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#I didn't get a chance to talk about plurality but it's fine cause I don't think it's they big of a deal. just another coping skill I have.
neverendingford · 6 months
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#tag talk#I like my therapist a lot. had another appointment and she's way more thorough about the initial screenings and my last therapist wasn't.#anyway today was a questionnaire about trauma and so I sat on my bed huddled in blankets and she was like heyy you gonna be okay?#largely not okay because Easter was yesterday so you know.. religious christian holidays be that way.#but I didn't cry during the session at all and she was cool and said some good things that I have now forgotten of course.#still didn't tell her about boofing everclear and fucking up my gi tract for a week or so (idk how long it's been)#but she was like “you don't have to tell me. I already get that you do risky behavior” cause I told her about my grindr escapades already.#her earnestness does make me want to get better.#often when people are obnoxious about my issues I just double down as a “fuck you” to them. so I'm glad we've got a good rapport instead.#I didn't get a chance to talk about plurality but it's fine cause I don't think it's they big of a deal. just another coping skill I have.#she did specifically recognize and congratulate me on the fact that I've deliberately worked on coping skills which felt really good.#like. I used to not be able to fall asleep so I practiced it and now I can. I used to startle really easily but I practiced and now I don't.#I have done deliberate effort to overcome my issues and usurp!#*usually people don't notice because they just see the successful outcome.#so it's nice for someone to recognize the work I've put into overcoming my trauma responses even as a kid
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hesitantvampirealien · 2 months
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just taking more stuff out of me lol.
It MIGHT get extensive so that's why i hid the text or it would be too big. If it makes up for it, it's basically about me preserving myself and trying to get better so it has a wholesome background to it (i know vents about bad things are usually something that isn't considered very acceptable socially but i try to make it more palatable to avoid creating problems to myself)
just me talking to myself about someone that i know isn't a bad person and i know is probably just not the type of friendship that will work out. I purposefully made it vague cause I don't really feel the need to have them reading this honestly, but i understand that there's a chance they'll see it and i accept it, I'm fine with that reality
man. i just don't want to see things that i know I'll feel horrible seeing, either for bringing back the imposter syndrome much worse or some traumatic response or being painfully self aware of everything i dislike in myself, or literally any other feeling that will spiral into worsening my suicidal thoughts or my withdrawal because I'll feel like an evil person because my stupid brain gaslights me into feeling like that or because i remember things i hate about my appearance, and all of it brought by one handle so often that i associated this handle to anxiety or sometimes literal mental breakdowns and I don't really think that's... gonna make it easier for me to recover from my pre existing trauma. I admit i have no idea if it's normal or not to have almost instant short depressive episodes or panic attacks just by seeing someone's handle or picture. But i know they're not a bad person, i know that, i swear i know that and I'll never assume they're a bad person or doing any of it on purpose. I know that it's a me problem and that I'm just far too mentally messy and i shouldn't really expect people to be considerate of my condition 24/7, it's unfair for me to demand that, and sometimes people just want friends that are mentally healthy enough to be around them without being triggered, and i really get it, i understand and I won't complain. People have different standards of who they want to be friends with, and i was a bad one too for pretending to fit into that standard
i had to make a side account for venting with how bad i felt, most rants i often made both there and on main were because of things that were brought to my dash and reminded me of very painful events or any other pre existing problems - if anyone thought i had some wild vents here, you didn't see the mess that my side account is (and you'll - plural - die before you can even see that account cause I'm not linking that account anywhere. Is it THAT hard to find? no, but I'm not trying to make it too visible either)
And i haven't touched that side account in DAYS after not seeing any of these posts after i heavily filtered my desktop tumblr with filtering extensions. Yea it's a pretty rough situation isn't it
i wanted to wait a bit before ctrl z-ing this friendship for some personal reasons that will take too long to explain but if I'm honest, i can deal with this stress if it means I'll be feeling less horrible, have less breakdowns, cry less, think less about hurting myself for a multitude of reasons that deep down all begin from what they bring inside a place that was meant to be my safe space and ended up not being safe anymore. I just want to make myself healthy and happy, i don't deserve to feel any of this pain, even if i know it's just a Me problem because I'm way too fucked up mentally to be able to be near them. I might never be stable enough for them, if I'm honest
well. I gotta take care of myself, even if that means I'll take slow steps and make myself basically completely alienated here on tumblr (I'm not literally alienated because i have better information sources than this fucking site - that i never wanted to see certain types of information in - and people should have the right to choose not to see bad things from real life literally everywhere they go all the time until they get fucking dysfunctional from panic attacks. At least in one place they should be able to choose not to see it)
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The Hit You Need - Helmut Zemo
"It was about damn time, Jesus Christ." - Me @ myself. Out of all Daniel's characters, Zemo was my first love and I can't believe I didn't write something for him first. Every "Which Daniel Character Is Your Boyfriend" quiz I take, I always get Zemo (don't mind me, just exposing my mental illnesses *plural*) Anyway, yeah, this took a long time, but I also managed to be lazy about it as well (you'll see what I mean lol)
Warnings: SMUT (MINORS DNI), slight possessiveness, fingering, oral (m!receiving), scratching, blood, enemies to lovers trope
5.3K Words🤙🏻
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You never wanted this job in the first place, guarding Avengers level criminals wasn't what you had in mind when you started working for Secretary Ross, aka, your uncle-in-law. You wanted to join the military, but your parents were dead set against it. So, with the help of your aunt, she landed you a job at the Raft...how fantastic.
Okay, it wasn't that bad, you could pick your own hours that would best suit you and it had decent benefits. But you definitely did not want to stay at the job forever. Whenever you fantasized about your future, you always wanted a job where you could travel. The Raft may be in the middle of the ocean and you had to travel there, it was so lonely and boring. Nothing fun ever seemed to happen, and it was driving you insane.
Then, Helmut Zemo arrived.
Fresh meat newly brought in by the Wakandans. You had heard about Zemo, being the entire reason the Avengers broke up in the first place. His intense dark eyes ensnared you instantly, but it wasn't surprising with everything you've heard about the man.
"I thought he was imprisoned in Berlin?" You had asked your uncle-in-law.
"James Buchanan Barnes took it upon himself to break him out a few weeks ago, to help with some super solider outbreak or something." He answered nonchalantly, which made you concerned with how apathetic he seemed towards the situation.
"Shouldn't you have looked into that?"
"Not our jurisdiction." Um, it probably was, but you couldn't find it in yourself to give it more thought.
You weren't often tasked with personally seeing over a certain criminal, usually there would be more than one guard looking over each individual. But when you were tasked with watching over the Baron, you tried to hide your excitement.
Every day, you watched Zemo in his cell, often reading a book or simply sitting fiddling his thumbs, but always a pondering expression on his face. You wanted to know what he was thinking, you wanted to talk to him, even just once. You knew Ross would not be happy with you if you did, so you had to wait for the right opportunity, and he handed it to you on a silver platter.
The Baron was called in for a meeting with Ross, and you were to escort him to the meeting office. You had heard rumors and whispers about some plan that your uncle was conjuring up, not one so well received by the sound of the gossip you would hear around the prison. A plan to allow the villains of this prison to be given a chance a redemption, to form a team that would be supervised under the government. It sounded far fetched to be sure, but you were curious to hear more than just the rumors.
"Word of advice, L/n," Your fellow guard spoke as you were putting on your guard uniform in the locker room, "don't let the man talk to you, and vice versa. He's known for brainwashing."
You scoffed a laugh, resisting the urge to roll your eyes. "I've read his file, and plus, I watch the news."
"Then you know how dangerous he is. I'm just saying be careful."
You smiled confidently. "How dangerous could a man in chains really be? It's not like he's superhuman like others in here. I'll be just fine." Your coworker simply responded with a unimpressed expression. You couldn't really blame them though, you still were considered a greenie being one of the only people allowed to join at the Raft in over five years. But that was just a cause to prove your worth, even though the job wasn't all that fun.
Despite your confident front earlier, you found yourself getting nervous as you loaded your gun's magazine and holstering it in your belt. You didn't know why you just didn't quit the job, considering how much you complained. It's not like you had a fascination with death and you never considered yourself an adrenaline junkie, but the thought that something might happen one day that forced you to use a weapon, it made your heart race and you liked that feeling. That was the same feeling you felt while walking to Helmut Zemo's cell.
You punched in the code to open Zemo's cell, the door opening with a slight gust of wind blowing in your face. "Congrats, Baron, you get to go on a field trip."
"Where are you taking me?" The man asked as you walked him through the halls of the prison, making sure to keep your wits as he walked in front of you.
"Secretary Ross wants to speak with you." You answered simply.
"Why would he want to speak with me?"
"Quiet. You'll know soon enough. Turn left." You ordered, narrowing your eyes as you heard the man scoff. "Something bothering you?"
"No. It's just, you don't have to be so aggressive when I'm complying."
"You're the one talking out of line."
"Perhaps. But you being so overly eager to dish out orders, maybe you're trying to prove something. Trust me, dear, you're not going to gain respect from your fellow guards by treating prisoners like me with such an uncouth manner."
Now it was your turn to scoff. "I'd never trust someone like you. And you're one to talk about being uncouth, civilized and respectable people don't bomb UN meetings."
Zemo suddenly stopped in his tracks, the action instantly making you reach for your pistol, but just keeping your hand barely hovering over the weapon. The man had a blank expression on his face and slowly moved closer to you until he was almost face to face. As your heart raced, you couldn't bring yourself to upholster your weapon, for a reason unknown to you. All you could do was watch as the Sokovian subtly examined your expression. "Struck a nerve, have I?" He smirked.
Your expression hardened, moving your hand away from your weapon holster to turn the man around by the shoulders and push him forwards harshly. "Keep walking."
"What's the holdup?" Ross immediately asked once you arrived with Zemo.
"Apologies, Secretary Ross, lost my way for a moment. This place is a maze." You thought up a lie quickly, the man couldn't know the real reason or else you probably would've been reprimanded.
Ross waved you off with an eyeroll, gesturing you into the room. You brought Zemo to the metal table that sat in the middle of the room, handcuffing him to the table, a slight pang of satisfaction when you heard him wince softly as you tightened the cuffs. "Will that be all, sir?" You asked. "Shall I wait outside?"
"No need. This shouldn't take too long anyway." You nodded politely and stood up against the wall next to the table, waiting for your uncle to get on with whatever the meeting was about.
"So, may I finally inquire what it is you want from me?" Zemo spoke calmly.
"To save time, I'll just cut right to the chase. After Thanos, we're still in the dark about where the Avengers stand. So, we want to put together another team, one that'll actually be under supervision by the government so no one can cause messes like what happened in Sokovia. Many prisoners here want a shot at redemption, and they can earn a lesser sentence if they participate and follow our orders. I want you to be a part of this team."
So the rumors were true. It sparked a few red flags in your mind, knowing how many evil people were kept at the Raft. You just hoped that Ross didn't want to recruit those certain criminals, but then again, he was trying to recruit Helmut Zemo.
"You flatter me, Secretary." Zemo quipped, an obvious venom in the tone of his voice. "But I must kindly refuse."
Ross' eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "So, you're saying that you're gonna give up a chance of redeeming yourself, possibly getting your sentence reduced? Is that what you're telling me, son?"
"Honestly, did you really think I'd agree to be part of some knockoff Avengers team? After everything that happened? If I may be so blunt, I would not be caught dead helping you and your corrupt government. Thank you, but I'd like to go back to my cell."
Ross frowned angrily, looking back at you. "Take the prisoner back to his cell."
"Yes, sir." You nodded, uncuffing Zemo from the table and escorting him back to his cell. He was silent the entire walk back, no witty comments or questions. Maybe it was for the best, but that didn't stop you from asking questions once you brought him back to his cell. "If I may ask," You started, "why didn't you accept Ross' offer?"
Zemo huffed, rubbing his wrists as you released the cuffs. "I wouldn't expect someone like you to understand."
You furrowed your brows. "Someone like me? What's that supposed to mean?"
"Someone who's so desperate for validation that they'd willingly be part of a system that's corrupt. I have more pride than that."
You wanted to be offended, you were, but you couldn't say anything in retaliation or else Zemo would know that he struck yet another nerve. He was already so good at it, and you had only started speaking to the man thirty minutes ago. You locked his cell door in response, leaving him alone with his own thoughts.
It was your responsibility to bring the prisoner his meals after that. It would've been fine if it weren't for your slightly damaged ego from the previous day, but you made sure to hold up that confident front, especially in front of Zemo. "Your gourmet shit, sir." You commented sarcastically...okay, so you were still kinda petty.
Zemo narrowed his eyes at you and you tried not to squirm under his gaze. "Still playing this role, huh?" He replied, causing you to scoff. "Am I wrong?" He smirked subtly, knowing that he was never wrong.
"Annoying is a more accurate description."
He chuckled. "Thank you for the meal, my dear. You may carry on with whatever it is you do here." You rolled your eyes, locking his cell door and walking away with your hands balled into fists.
It was alarming how quickly he got under your skin, the quips back and forth with each other never failing to make you more annoyed with the man as every day passed. Then weeks passed, then months, and then it was your year anniversary since joining the Raft. You found yourself not internally complaining as much about the job anymore, and that was thanks to Zemo. You didn't tell anyone that of course. But if you were to ever think about quitting, you just thought that you'd be leaving Zemo and that put an unwanted pit in your stomach. It was unfortunate, but you started to care for the man.
Coming back to the Raft after celebrating your anniversary (not your choice), you managed to sneak a couple books into the place. But they weren't for you. Seeing Zemo just about exhaust every book he has in his cell, you thought he'd appreciate something other than the old tattered books he always read.
"You're back." Zemo spoke as you entered his cell, his lunch neatly displayed on the metal plate. "Thought you'd finally quit."
You chuckled. "Can't get rid of me that easily." You stopped and froze briefly, immediately cringing at yourself for saying such a thing. But you played it off quickly. "It was my one year anniversary of working here, so my family decided to force me to celebrate. It was pretty lackluster."
"As I'm sure any celebration with family tends to be." Zemo took the tray from your hands and faltered when he felt two thick paperback books underneath. He gave you a puzzling glance.
"Shh." You whispered.
Zemo set down the tray and glanced at the titles of the books. "Machiavelli..." He marveled, his eyes lighting up for a moment. He looked to you with a ghost of a smile, but that was enough for you.
"Heard you enjoyed his books. Our secret, yeah?"
"Thank you. I can't tell you how much I appreciate this."
You hid your oncoming blush with a nod, stepping out of his cell, almost forgetting to lock the door. Flustered, you punched in the code, not noticing that Zemo was paying very close attention to where your fingers moved.
After that day, you were even more enraptured by the man than when he first came to be on the Raft. You shouldn't have been, but you couldn't help it. He seemed to see through your very soul, and you didn't know if you liked it or not. He was handsome to be sure, but you couldn't possibly have a silly crush on a criminal...right?
You decided you just had to accept it, that way it would go away faster. But it didn't help that you were the one to deliver his meals every day, it's like the world was tempting you, baiting you into ruining your own life.
Every time you offered witty comments, he'd offer some back. Maybe it was wishful thinking, it probably was, but you started to think he enjoyed your company, despite your first encounter not being all too pleasant. Perhaps you both were just lonely, surely he was being kept in a prison cell twenty-four hours a day. And you didn't really have strong connections in the outside world, no real friends and you weren't exactly that close with your family besides your parents, but even they felt like more of an inconvenience. For some reason, you felt like you could trust him in a way. Maybe it was just his charm that lured you into a false sense of security, but you couldn't find it in yourself to care. He was the first person in a long time you felt connected to, and you wanted to keep that feeling even if it was fake.
Whenever you had days off and went back to civilization, you found yourself missing the man. Even when you hooked up with some random person just to feel something, you could only think of Zemo. At some point, you just got tired of it. You couldn't even look at another person sexually without thinking of him. So, you just stopped having sex altogether. But almost every night you'd touch yourself, thinking of Zemo: his honey brown eyes, his incredibly sexy accent that made you have butterflies in your lower stomach, his intelligence and the way he used his words so perfectly. You could probably daydream about him all day...
"L/n." You were suddenly snapped out of your trance by Ross' booming voice.
"Secretary." You saluted sarcastically, causing Ross to roll his eyes.
"Over the past few days, I've noticed Zemo might have a soft spot for you. Have you noticed this?"
You tried to hide the fact that your heart sank as soon as he said that, furrowing your brows and letting out a breathy chuckle. "The terrorist, sir? Sorry, but no." You said bluntly.
"Well, I have. And I have a mission for you."
"And what might that be, sir?"
"I want you to get closer to him." Alright, not what you were expecting. "And if you can win him over with your...charm, try and convince him to join this team of mine, alright? We could really use him on our side. You can get it done, right?"
"What if he still refuses?"
"Then...get we'll have no use for him anymore." Ross said vaguely, putting a sour taste in your mouth.
"Wait, you wouldn't kill him though, right?"
"Just get it done. I'm counting on you."
The more you thought about it, the more you wouldn't put it past your uncle-in-law to execute Zemo, given his past history. If he could put Avengers in prison, who knows what he'd do to criminals. You would do as Ross asked, but you also had another plan in mind. It would be a long shot, but you needed it to work. You couldn't see it playing out any other way.
A few days after that, spending all those days planning, researching, making sure everything was perfect, you had your plan and you thought it was pretty good, for a person with very little experience in that sort of thing.
You bought a chess board, carrying in its box, the pieces clacking together as you bounced it with every step. This will work, this will work...
"Ah, what do we have here?" Zemo inquired.
"A strategist like yourself, you must be someone who'd like chess."
"Am I that predicable?" He joked.
"Far from it." You chuckled, setting up the board on the little table in the middle of his cell. "I hope you won't go easy on me." He didn't. He beat you in about five minutes. "You don't like to lose, huh?"
"I prefer having a challenge actually. But you opened yourself up to failure as soon as you moved your pawn in front of your bishop. Keep making moves like that and you'll lose every time."
You rolled your eyes. "Okay, Mr. Perfect-At-Chess. Let's go again."
"So," Zemo started after making his first move. "when were you going to tell me that you're Ross' niece?"
"How did you-?" You huffed. "Step niece. You forgot the step. Either way, didn't seem important. It's not."
"He's your family."
"Hardly."
"That's cold. Family is everything. Sometimes, it's the only thing you have in this world."
"For some people, yes. But not for me. My family isn't exactly something to be proud of."
"Why are you doing this?" He asked suddenly. "Or better yet, how are you able to do this? Bring me books, talk to me more than two minutes, play chess?"
"Truthfully...Ross wants me to get on your good side, to try and convince you to be part of his little team." You answered.
"And he's fine with you giving away this knowledge to me?"
"I didn't think to ask."
Zemo hummed in thought. "And what if I refuse?"
You let out a shaky breath. "I think they'll kill you."
Zemo chuckled bitterly. "Hardly the first time someone's tried to kill me."
"I wouldn't think so...Colonel Zemo."
He rolled his eyes, looking back down at the chess board. "And you agreed to do that for him?"
"I didn't really have a choice in the matter."
"There's always a choice."
"I suppose, if I wanted to be demoted or fired."
"Why not? Surely there is something out there you'd rather be doing than be a guard at this place." You tried to hide your oncoming blush by looking back down at the board, fighting against his inquisitive gaze. "Why do you choose to stay here?" Your bashful look have Zemo all he needed to know. Wearing a small smirk, he nodded understandingly. "And how would your uncle react, to know that his niece fell for a criminal?"
You scoffed, gaining your confidence back slightly. "For once in my life, I don't care about his approval, nor anyone else's." You slid the rest of the contents in the chess box to Zemo underneath the table.
Zemo gave you a wide eyed look for a brief moment once he saw what was in the box, before turning back on his calm demeanor. A 9mm, a note attached to it with a five digit code and detailed instructions. "What is this?" He whispered.
"Code to your cell."
"I can see that, but why?"
"I know you were the one that blew up the van that carried the Flagsmashers. I found the man that helped you do it; Oeznik. I'm not letting my uncle kill you or extort you, I'm gonna get you out of here. Checkmate."
Zemo looked back down with furrowed brows, his mouth agape. "You beat me..."
"I did." You smiled.
"Wait." Zemo gently grabbed your wrist. "What's going to happen?"
"I explain it all in the note. Don't worry. It'll be okay." And with that, you left.
And the plan worked...it actually fucking worked.
Once you gave the signal, it all went by like a flash of light. That old man turned out to be quite resourceful, but you knew he'd do anything for his Baron, including helping him break out of one of the most secure prisons in the world, having someone on the inside also helped. It was kind of shocking how little remorse you felt betraying your uncle and...well, your government. Being seeing the look of admiration from the man you helped break out of prison, any remorse you may have felt was gone.
Zemo, being the rich Baron he was, of course he had a safehouse he could go to. And with you now being on the run along with him, you were forced to go with him, not that you minded in the slightest. It was a penthouse somewhere in Europe, wherever you were, it was beautiful. You had never seen anything like it, and the penthouse was extravagant, but you didn't expect anything like from Zemo.
"You like it?" Zemo asked in amusement as he watched your awestruck expression as you looked around the house. "It's not much, but it'll only be temporary until we find somewhere they can't find us, somewhere safer than here. But it'll do for now."
"Not much?" You scoffed, trailing your fingers across the wooden framing of the furniture. "This place is five times larger than my apartment."
"If you don't mind, I'm gonna to wash off this disgusting prison smell." When he came back, he was clean shaven, dressed up in black pants and a purple turtleneck.
"Purple looks good on you."
"There wasn't much in the closet, but anything's better than that blue prison uniform."
"You look good in anything, honestly." You chuckled, biting your lip when he smirked, feeling your face heat up as he took steps closer to you.
"You know, I still haven't properly thanked you, for what you did for me." Zemo said seriously, taking your hand in his, gently running his thumb over your knuckles. "I'd imagine very few people would've done this for someone like me."
"Well, Sam and James did."
"They had an ulterior motive. They only did that because they needed my help."
"And how do you know that I don't have a motive, huh?" You teased.
"You're a kind soul, I can feel it. And I'll admit...you're one of the finest creatures I've ever laid my eyes upon. I never thought I'd be able to feel like this towards someone ever again." Zemo whispered as he reached up to lightly caress your cheek, causing a shiver to run up your spine. "I want you. I want to feel you against me, Liebe, only if you'll have me."
You didn't need to think twice about it. "Yes. Yes, Zemo, I'll have you."
You winced as Zemo suddenly pushed you against the beautifully decorated papered wall roughly, attacking you with his lips and squeezing your sides. His breath was hot on your face as he placed open mouthed kisses alongside your jaw, licking the shell of your ear, the teasing making your core throb achingly. "Please, Zemo..." You all but begged him, anxiously waiting for him to touch you in the places you needed.
Zemo's hardening cock twitched in his trousers as he heard your frustrated whines. He wanted nothing more than to take you right then and there against the wall, prison not allowing for such pleasures, but he was nothing if not a gentleman. He always treated his woman like royalty, and he'd be damned if he didn't treat you the same way. "Shh, I know, I know. Let me take my time with you." He whispered back, guiding you over to his bed, pushing you to lay back on the cool satin sheets.
Zemo had a dark lustful expression in his eyes as he slowly pulled your pants off your legs along with your underwear, leaving your already glistening cunt exposed to him. You could've sworn you heard him growl. "How long has it been since you've been with anyone, Liebling?"
You gulped nervously, almost squirming under his intense gaze. "A couple years..."
Zemo smirked. "Really? A beautiful woman like you, you must've had many vying for your affection. But you couldn't when you had to see me almost everyday, hmm? You couldn't fuck someone without thinking it was me, wishing it was my cock inside you, huh?"
You whined. "Yes, Helmut, only you. I've only wanted you." You moaned out as he placed rough possessive kisses up the inside of your thighs, skipping over the place you wanted him most. "Please, I need you..."
Zemo came to lay right beside you, helping you out of the rest of your clothing, kissing your collarbone before trailing his digits down your body. You gasped as he started running his fingers up and down your folds, gathering up your slick before rubbing slow circles on your clit, his mouth latching on to one of your nipples as your back arched. "I want you to come on my fingers first. Think you can do that for me?" His husky voice raised goosebumps all over your body, a shiver shooting down your spine and pooling heat in your core.
"Yes, anything you want." You kissed his jaw, instinctually opening up your legs further for Zemo as he continued to work on your clit, slowly inching two fingers inside you.
"How does it feel?"
"So good, Helmut, so good." You moaned, shocks of pleasure spreading throughout your body, causing your eyes to close.
"Look at me." He demanded, but still keeping a soft tone to his voice; and like you were his pet, you obeyed him instantly and looked up at him with glazed over doe eyes that could've made him melt if he wasn't so focused on your pleasure.
It had been so long since you've been with anyone, his long fingers thrusting and curling inside of you while his thumb kept a rapid and steady pace on your bundles of nerves, it didn't take you long to feel your body building to your climax. Zemo could sense it too, he could feel your walls clenching around his digits, your hand on his shoulder and the other holding onto the sheets tightening as soft gasps and moans got louder and louder. "Oh, fuck-!" You cried out, involuntarily bucking your hips against his hand. "I'm so close."
"I can feel it. Let go for me. Come on my fingers, mein Liebe." He rushed out, his mouth sucking and biting on your nipples, neck, lips, anything he could reach while increasing the speed of his hand. You had no problem obeying right away again, a loud shout escaping your lips as all encompassing please washed over you like a tidal wave. "Good girl, such a good girl."
"Fuck me, my Baron..."
Zemo groaned, shifting to lay on his back. "As much as I want to take you, I want to know how your mouth feels first."
You smiled as you moved in between his legs, helping him remove his own clothes, slowly rubbing your hands over his thighs, inching them closer and closer to his erection. He hissed as you licked a stripe on the underside of his cock, pleased with his reaction, you did once more before you started kissing his tip. Relaxing your jaw, you took him into your mouth, swirling your tongue around his leaking cockhead. "Scheiße-!" Zemo gasped, "Haven't forgotten how to pleasure a man I see." He commented, causing you to smirk around him.
"I'm doing a good job, then?" You asked innocently, the look in your eyes downright sinful.
Zemo smirked. "You know you are, you little minx." You wiped that smug smirk off his face by taking him as far as you could fit in your mouth, eliciting a groan from man, causing him to chuckle breathlessly. "God..." He placed his hand on your head, not pushing you, but simply holding on to your hair. "You're gonna make me come, mein Liebe, can't have that just yet." He gently pulled your mouth off of him, guiding you to lay back down on your back.
"You're so beautiful..." Zemo breathed, trailing sloppy kisses up your body until he returned to your lips, positioning himself in between your legs. You gasped as he rubbed himself up and down your folds, your slick and his saliva causing him to slip inside you easily, feeling his cock stretch you deliciously. "You feel incredible, Liebling. You take me so well." He started thrusting slowly, allowing you to adjust so you could fit him deeper and deeper, so deep until the blunt tip of his cock brushed up against that special spot inside of you, eliciting a loud moan from you.
"Oh God, Zemo...!" You cried out, wrapping your arms around his shoulders, digging your nails into the soft flesh of his back. Zemo groaned as he felt the sharp burn of his skin ripping open, blood slowly beading through the scratches cooling as it hit the cool air, causing him to shiver.
"You're already so close, aren't you?" Zemo teased, thrusting faster and pinning your wrists above your head, burying his head into the crook of your neck and biting harshly. "I can feel it. Be a good girl and come for me again, Schlampe." Obeying his command yet again, the tension in your lower stomach snapped and you came with a silent gasp, your walls clenching down on him, eyes rolling to the back of your head as you clawed at Zemo's back like a lifeline. "May I come inside you, mein Schatz?" He groaned out, feeling his release getting closer and closer, but waiting for your permission.
"Yes, please-!." You begged, tears brimming your eyes as he fucked you through your orgasm, trying not to squeal in overstimulation. But you couldn't help it once Zemo let out a loud groan, feeling him spill inside you. He all but collapsed on top of you, planting gentle kisses along your neck as he tried to catch his breath.
"That was amazing, and I'm not just saying that because I've been in prison for a few years." He chuckled breathlessly, moving to lay next to you.
"I believe you." You giggled, turning on your side to face him. You didn't know if you'd ever get used to his intense gazes, he could still stare through your soul.
"I could say I brainwashed you." He said suddenly.
"What?"
"If we get caught. I could say I forced you to help me escape, that I threatened you or something."
You sat up with a frown. "Zemo, no. I'm not gonna let you do that. Plus, we'll be careful. We won't get caught."
Zemo smiled weakly, sitting up with you, rubbing his hand over your thigh. "I'm sorry, Liebling, but I'm not giving you a choice. If we get caught, you'll get thrown in prison with me and I can't have that happen. Promise me that if we get caught, you'll say I forced you to do this, yes?"
"No!" You scoffed.
"Please, Y/n. You've already done so much for me, just do me this one favor. Promise me, Y/n." He lifted your chin and forced you to look into his eyes, filled with determination that you couldn't say no to.
"Okay..." You exhaled shakily, "I promise."
"Good. Good." He brought up your hand, closing his eyes and kissing your knuckles lovingly. "Thank you."
"You're welcome. Guess we'll just have to not get caught then, huh?" You smiled slightly, brushing a piece of hair away from his face.
"I will do everything in my power to make sure we never do. I can promise that to you."
"Good. Because I'm not planning on leaving you anytime soon, Helmut Zemo."
~~~~~~~~~~
Yeah, I wasn't gonna waste my time writing out a whole fuckin' action/breaking out of prison scene. I'm not smart enough for that, plus, that's where my laziness comes in. Sorry not sorry lol
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More angsty facts about Aya (As requested by the lovely @kolokolna)
💙 (Last words?)
Probably something along the lines of "... I'm... Sorry."
I can guarantee it's one of two things
She either killed herself
OR
She died protecting someone.
Either way it'll be a tearjerker
💧 (Worst pain?)
This is a tough one.
Probably seeing Aki's ribs get broken, the look of shock and pain on his face... And that's before the sound it made...
(Imma need to write that up some day :D)
🔷 (Ever abandoned something precious?)
Short answer? Yes.
What? Aki, accidentally.
When? Back when they were kids.
Why? She... She didn't notice that his footsteps had stopped behind her.
Has she forgiven herself? Not a chance in HELL.
🔵 (Traumatic events?)
*looks at backstory*
*looks at Aya*
Maybe a few...
Particularly memorable was the time that she was shoved down the stairs by a few people she thought were her friends and broke her arm
Or the time she was cornered in an alley and beat half to death with stinking fish
Or the time she was shoved in a box that was taped shut and dumped in a river (Same people as the fish incident)
Or the time her girlfriend left her because she was already too broken
Or the time... You get it.
Of course she tries to suppress the memories, they're TRAUMATIC
Does she succeed? God no. Sometimes, temporarily.
It helps for her to have hugs and cuddles
And warm drinks
Or just alcohol
Alcohol works too
❄ (Biggest regret?)
Oh
Oh lord does she have regrets
Her biggest one?
Not killing her parents in their sleep.
Every time she hears a wheeze in Aki's breath, or sees him wince when he rolls onto his side...
Or, hell, when she sees him with short sleeves.
It hurts
It hurts her to see how she's failed to protect him.
💦 (Self-destructive?)
Aya?
Self destructive?
Naaaaaah
Just when she's awake
Or asleep
Or breathing
She's not willing to actually take her own life and put that on Aki
But she'll definitely just give in when she has zero appetite
Refuses to accept help even when she really, really needs it because even if it hurts her to push that hard it's fine because she doesn't really matter
She doesn't see that she matters to other people. She's always willing to sacrifice herself for others' stupid causes.
And she'll stop taking her meds so she can drink
Tried cigarettes once, absolutely hated it and will never ever try again.
🌊 (At her worst?)
When she's feeling depressive, she usually shuts herself off.
Which is awful, because what usually helps her is talking to someone
But she can't just talk to someone
The thought sends her into anxiety, which only makes things worse.
She'll usually curl up in a ball in her room and cry for hours until she can't cry any more, then she'll wait for a while to make it less obvious that she was just crying all day
Some things that seem random will set her off, and send her into a depressive spell, or sorta make her shut down for a while...
Either way p l e a s e hug her
She'll fight against it at first, but it'll genuinely help her and she will 100% cry and hug you back rambling thanks into your ear mixed in with apologies for getting your shirt all wet.
She doesn't deal with emotions well AT ALL
☄️ (How does she handle her trauma?)
Not well.
Her trauma is something she learns from. Her emotions are things that help her with decisions...
And they're also the cause of her many, many sleepless nights, bouts of unintentional self-starvation, and more fun things to do when slowly killing yourself from the inside.
She'll never really open up to someone she doesn't trust, but once you get past her shell she's just a big softie... And a mess of trauma and insecurieties.
She will 100% always do her best to hide her pain, but her walls get weak around people she trusts, because she doesn't like lying to or hiding things from them.
📘 (Sad writings?)
I should've been stronger... If I'd have fought a little harder, or I'd been a little faster... He wouldn't have gotten hurt. I failed him. He needs me, and I failed him... I don't even deserve to live. It's pointless to keep on breathing and repeating the same cycles over and over again just to get hurt... I don't want to see him get hurt again. I can't see him get hurt again. God, I can still hear that sickening crack... -Aya
🔹 (Scars?)
Aya, with scars?
Naaaaawwwwwww
Unless you count the ones absolutely COVERING her torso and arms.
Some of them might have been self inflicted.
She's got this... Lump, on her ribcage. Back from when it broke and didn't heal properly.
Don't touch it.
She tries to not be effected by her trauma too much.
She...
Fails, mostly.
Always gets up too early, goes to take a shower and finds herself just... Unable to turn on the water some days. She just can't do it.
Has trouble with anyone touching her, especially guys.
Oh god the barking of a large dog messes her up
Even worse if she sees it
Expect her to lash out if it runs at her
She has a few large, jagged scars on her stomach/chest area from the times (yes, plural) she was stabbed with a bottle.
Her left arm still aches when she uses it too much from when it broke
She's sort of just always in a little pain? You listen close and you will hear a slight wheeze in every breath.
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