#I don’t want someone’s page being bombarded with something they don’t wanna accidentally see

[angiemaniac]

I’m considering putting a pinned post for my blog.

I haven’t made a proper introduction and I figured I should offer a warning for some blogs too. I mean, I contemplated doodling more Elder Scrolls and Baldur’s Gate content considered mature. (Might make a Patreon for more explicit work if it comes down to that.)

I just gotta figure out what all I gotta cover in the post lol

[emphoenixcat]

Ayee, kinda hella sloppy ask. Also I'm cool if you don't wanna do this type of one, idk if you still do these. But maybe a suicidal Patton, logicality, honestly idc about the plot I just have a weird obsession with sad Pat, maybe someone walking in on him doing something? Idk, I just really like your writing

Okay, sorry this took so long. I thought I would have trouble coming up with something, but then I ended up writing like 8 pages in google docs. Whoops!

Summary: Patton keeps hearing voices and they won’t leave him alone. He begins to accept that they are his own intrusive thoughts and that there is nothing he can do to stop them.

Warnings: suicide attempt, intrusive thoughts, defibrillation, heart problems, drowning.

He couldn’t take the voices anymore.

He had promised himself that he would stay strong for them. His family.

But did they think of him that way? Was he family?

Patton wasn’t so sure. The voices didn’t help, they only made him more uncertain about his purpose.

What are you? What are you to them? They don’t love you. They don’t need you.

He shook his head, trying to get rid of the unpleasant words. He could never tell if they were really his own thoughts or someone else’s.

You know it’s true. They only pretend to accept you out of pity. Do you know all the problems you cause? All the pain?

“Tha–that’s not true.”

Isn’t it? You were never the embodiment of happiness, but just the embodiment of pain. They know it. They feel it. No matter how much you try to keep it inside. No matter how strong you pretend to be, you are weak.

“N–no, you’re wrong. I don’t know what you are, but this–these aren’t my thoughts,” he insisted.

Oh, but we are. We are a part of you and you can’t escape yourself, unless….

“No. No, shut up. That’s not even an option.”

It’s always an option.

Patton shook his head once more and hastily moved to the door, he couldn’t take anymore of this. He knew he had to get out of there, it was his only hope. The thoughts seldom followed him outside of his own room. They would find him later, they always did. But he needed to get away before–before he started agreeing with them again.

He practically ran out the door, accidentally crashing into somebody. He fell backwards in surprise.

“Ow! What? Who? Oh uh….are you okay, Pat?”

Patton glanced up and saw that he had bumped into Virgil, who was now eyeing the moral side in concern.

“Uh yeah. Yeah, I’m alright.”

Virgil scrutinized his face with an inquisitive look, “No you’re not.”

“What? Don’t be silly. I was just surprised is all. I didn’t expect to see you, kiddo,” Patton smiled reassuringly.

The anxious side stared at him in disbelief, “You–you’re crying, Pat.”

Patton slowly raised his hand to his eyes. Sure enough, there were fresh tears there and they were still falling down his cheeks like rain.

“C’mon,” Virgil offered his hand and helped Patton up off the ground. “You can tell me everything or–if you want to–we can just hang out until you feel better.”

Patton nodded gratefully as the anxious side led him to the common room of the mindscape.

The moral side sat down on the couch as Virgil walked up to the cabinet near the TV set and opened it, searching for a movie that Patton would like. He turned to the moral side with an armful of movies.

“Okay, so we’re gonna talk. But I figured that you would like to have something on in the background, in case you feel awkward or something.”

Morality wiped at his eyes, “What about the others? What are they gonna think?”

“Don’t worry, they’re both busy. Princey said he was going on another quest or whatever, and Logan’s upstairs overworking himself as usual. You can talk to them, but only if you’re feeling up to it.”

“Thanks, Virge.”

“Hey, don’t mention it. Uh, so what would you like to watch?” he gestured at the pile of movies that he had plopped on the couch. Patton pointed to Lilo and Stitch, Virgil nodded and went to put the disc in.

You’re bothering him. He doesn’t want to be here listening to your problems. He’s just being polite.

The moral side gave a startled gasp. The voice wasn’t supposed to be here right now.

Virgil turned around at the sound, “What is it?”

Don’t tell him, he doesn’t care. Why should he?

“No–nothing.”

He narrowed his eyes, “Patton….”

The worry on Virgil’s face made Patton want to tell him. Maybe if he just told him….

No. It’s his job to worry. He’s doing his job, nothing more. He doesn’t love you. You’re not family. You’ll never be family.

Morality forced a relaxed demeanor, contorting his mouth into an awkward forgery of a smile. He knew it was broken and that new tears were dripping from his eyes.

Anxiety’s frown only deepened, “Dad, I want to help. Whatever it is, please just tell me.”

Hope sparked in him, Virgil had called him his dad. All Patton wanted to do was hold his son in his arms and tell him all that was bothering him.

You really think he thinks of you as a father figure? You think that he could ever look up to you? Look at you, you’re the child. Nothing, but a big blubbering baby. He’s simply mocking you.

Patton pulled at his hair in frustration before abruptly standing up and leaving the room. He couldn’t be weak in front of him. He couldn’t do this.

You can’t do anything.

Run.

Escape.

Exit.

It won’t do any good until you leave everything behind for good.

He slammed his bedroom door behind him, locking it in place. The others couldn’t come in without his permission. The mindscape wouldn’t allow it.

Virgil tried to knock on the door politely, yet the way Patton had run out of the room had the anxious side in a panic. “Patton? Dad? Please open the door, I just want to know you’re alright.”

But the voice bombarded the moral side, relentless and excited. This was it. This was the moment it had been waiting for.

Do it. End it. You’ll only be left alone once you leave the world alone.

You don’t belong here.

Patton shoved the stacks of memorabilia aside. Clothes, toys, CDs, photos, and other miscellaneous items clattered to the floor. And he searched. Searched for a reason to stay, but the voice had grown louder, splitting into separate voices once again. They fed off of his emotions, like leeches they drained him of his happiness. The uncontrollable thoughts continued to multiply, another and then another until there were more than the moral side could keep track of. They wouldn’t stop talking, they wouldn’t stop extinguishing every small flicker of hope he had.

Patton barely heard Virgil over the thoughts anymore, though the anxious side was crying now, pounding at the bedroom door desperately.

The moral side scoured the piles of photographs and once beautiful memories, now tainted with the words of the voices.

My thoughts, he corrected. My words. My weakness.

They pushed him forward to a door at the back of his room. A door he had never seen before.

Run.

Escape.

Exit.

Morality reached out an unsteady hand and turned the knob, curious as to what was on the other side of it. He shuddered when he saw, when he realized what it was. What the voices expected him to do.

And the voices became louder in his mind, a deafening cacophony that only he could hear. They whispered, they yelled, they screamed.

Anything was better than this. Anything.

Everything finally turned to blissful silence as Patton let himself be submerged by the chilling water. Numbness. Nothing.

And darkness took over.  

—-

In a deeper part of the mindscape, Roman suddenly heard Virgil’s cries of distress. A vision of a locked door and danger flashed through his mind. Though he didn’t know what it was all about, something about it shook him to the very core.The prince turned away from his quest, intent on finding the nearest portal back to the others. Something wasn’t right. Whatever the problem was, he knew he had to help.

—-

Locked away in his room with its sound-proof walls, the logical side worked away at his computer. Logan was deeply engrossed in the activity of sorting out what belonged in Thomas’ short-term memory and what was important enough to go into his long-term memory. Everything was perfectly normal. Logic glanced at his watch a few times, noticing that he was ahead of schedule and he let out a sigh of relief before smiling triumphantly.

He was contemplating taking a quick snack break, when a strange buzzing interrupted his thoughts. Logan surveyed his surroundings in confusion, noticing words appear on his computer screen. Giant red letters that read Error.

That had never happened before. This computer was a part of Thomas’ mindscape. This computer wasn’t supposed to have errors. Something was wrong. Terribly wrong.

—-

They found Virgil at the door of Patton’s room, futilely punching the door. He didn’t notice the others’ appearance, he was too blinded by tears and worry.

Without asking questions, Roman softly placed a hand on the anxious side’s shoulder and moved him aside. The prince drew his sword from its holster and concentrated. It transformed into an axe.

Virgil’s eyes widened, but he nodded slightly. He hoped the mindscape would allow this infringement of privacy. Hopefully, it realized how crucial the situation was.

Roman gestured for the others to move back and took a swing at the door. It took a few hacks before they were able to reach in and turn the knob.

The door creaked open and they quickly stepped inside.

It was uncharacteristically quiet and Patton was nowhere to be found.

—-

The moral side felt the cold seeping into his lungs as he sank deeper and deeper beneath the waves, becoming lost in the sea of emotions. He was in the subconscious. He didn’t know how deep it was or if there was any end to it.

There was no going back now. There was no way of getting back, even if he wanted to.

The darkness continued to pull him farther from the surface.

—-

Virgil was the first to break the silence, “Patton! Where are you?”

The others joined him in his calls for the moral side.

“You won’t find him.”

They whirled around simultaneously.

Deceit.

“I should’ve known that you had something to do with this. What did you do with Patton?” Virgil glared.

Deceit smirked, “I didn’t do anything to him. He did it all to himself.”

Roman stepped up to the other, his axe shifting into a sword. He brandished the weapon out before him, pointing it at Deceit’s throat. “Where is he?”

The snake-like side simply laughed, “No need to resort to violence.”

Meanwhile, Logan inched away from the group as he searched the bedroom for any clues. He knew that Deceit was toying with them and wouldn’t give them any information until it was much too late.

Virgil gritted his teeth, light sparking between his fingers.

Deceit grinned, “Calm down, Virgil. We wouldn’t want Thomas to be negatively impacted by your heightened anxiety. You remember what happened the last time you used your powers, don’t you?”

“If you really cared about Thomas, you wouldn’t be hurting Patton.”

The villainous side tutted in disapproval, “Thomas doesn’t need Morality. He’ll get along perfectly fine without him. You’ll see.”

The electricity danced dangerously in the anxious side’s hands now. His voice was surprisingly calm, “No. No, you’re going to tell me where he is.”

“And why would I do that?”

“Because I’m done reigning my emotions in.”

With lightning speed, Virgil grabbed Deceit by the throat. Energy crackled and sparked as the anxious side sent a bolt through the other side’s body.

“Virgil, you shouldn’t–”

“Shut it, Princey. I’m done letting this creep get away with hurting us. Damn the consequences.”

“Virgil!”

This time it was Logan who spoke, his voice laced with an edge of urgency.

Anxiety let the flaring light in his hand die down, but didn’t loosen his hold on Deceit’s throat. He turned to face the logical side with a questioning look on his face.

Logic tried to speak matter-of-factly, but his voice wavered. “I believe Patton entered the—the subconscious,” he pointed.

The anxious side let Deceit out of his chokehold, pushing him away in disgust before heading toward the back of the room. The deceitful side rubbed at his neck and glowered at Virgil.

A glossy black door covered in strange symbols was at the back of Morality’s room. A door Virgil had hoped to never see again.

He ran in without a second thought, ready to leap into the sea of emotions before him, but Logan held him back from the inky dark waves.

“Jumping in after him would be unreasonable.”

Anxiety chewed his lip in thought, “What do we do then?”

The logical side looked like he was at a loss of words.

“Do you think a seadragon could swim through the subconscious?” Roman asked from behind them.

“Roman, don’t be ridicu–”

“No, wait a sec. Princey might have a point. His realm and Patton’s realm would be more strongly linked to the subconscious part of the mind. Maybe it’ll work….” Virgil mused.

Logan glanced at the dangerous rippling sea before them and gave a decisive nod, “Roman is connected to the dreamworld which, in turn, is linked to the subconscious. Perhaps only something made of dreams can traverse subconscious waters.”

Without further prompting, Roman used his creative power to summon a massive seadragon with iridescent aquamarine scales.

“Will it be able to find Patton?” the anxious side asked as he eyed the creature with curiosity.

“One of the perks of being the prince, I can see what they see. I’ll know when they find Patton.”

The seadragon gracefully dived beneath the glossy surface of the subconscious and the prince let his eyes flutter shut as he focused his mind, connecting with the creature in a way that only Creativity could.

“I honestly don’t know what all the fuss is about,” Deceit said from the doorway. 

Logan crossed his arms, “You wouldn’t know the first thing about honesty.”

Deceit laughed and Virgil tried his best to contain his anger. “Why? Why would you do this? I know you’re a freakin jerk, but I thought that even you had some common sense. Having Morality away like this is crazy and disastrous.”

“Don’t treat me like a fool, Anxiety. The others are tired of you four always being in control. We’re as much a part of Thomas as you. And that Morality….he had the strongest influence over Thomas. And that idiot didn’t even realize his own strength.”

“Don’t you dare call Patton an idiot,” Virgil nearly growled.

“Whatever. You needn’t worry about Morality. He’ll still be a part of Thomas, he just won’t be as influential as you and I. It’s like how a person’s heart continues to beat even as they sleep.”

“You just don’t get it do you?” he snapped.

Logan interrupted Virgil and spoke directly to the deceitful side, “Morality represents more than morals, he encompasses all of Thomas’ emotions. He is the source of love and hope. Without him, Thomas would have no Creativity or Anxiety. While he is the counterbalance of Deceit, I suppose he also keeps me from forgetting what truly matters. Whether we like it or not, we are a unit. As Patton would say, we are family.”

Deceit grimaced, “It’s a sad day when Logic starts spouting nonsense.”

The logical side adjusted his glasses and narrowed his eyes, “Falsehood. Unlike you, I only speak fact.”

The snake-like side waved his hand dismissively before sinking out of the room, “You lie a lot more than you would like to believe.”

—-

A torrent of water sprayed forth as the seadragon emerged from the subconscious, carefully cradling Morality in its arms.

Sadness filled the seadragon’s eyes and the creature placed the moral side near Logan and Virgil before moving to check on Roman.

The prince had slumped to the floor after the creature had resurfaced from the ocean’s depths, his energy drained.

“Virgil, go make sure Roman is alright. I’ll look after Patton.”

The anxious side did as instructed, feeling for a heartbeat. “Princey’s okay, I think he’s just worn out. He must’ve overstrained himself to find Patton.”

Virgil turned to ask how Patton was, but stopped when he saw the look on the logical side’s face.

Logan turned to him, “He’s….I can’t find a pulse.”

The anxious side felt like he had been punched in the stomach.

Patton had to be alright. He just had to be.

“Sudden cardiac arrest,” Logan muttered to himself.

“Wh–what’s that?”

Logic suddenly grabbed Virgil’s arm, “There still might be a chance. Go get some towels and some spare clothes. Quickly!”

Anxiety didn’t need to be told twice, he bolted out of the room and gathered up what he needed. When he came back, Logan was giving chest compressions to Patton. He glanced up after he was done and went to work, pulling off the moral side’s wet clothes.

“We don’t have an Automated External Defibrillator, but I don’t think we need one if we have you,” Logan explained.

Virgil frowned, “Are you suggesting that I give an electric shock to Patton.”

Logan finished wiping up the puddles of water, making sure that no moisture remained, “We don’t have much of a choice here, Virge. Roman is the only one who can conjure something as complex as an AED machine. You’re the next best thing.”

Anxiety wrung his hands together nervously, he had no idea how this would affect Thomas. Not only that, but he had stopped using his powers after he had left the dark sides. What if he couldn’t control how much voltage went into the shock?

The logical side ushered Anxiety toward Patton and instructed him to place his left hand on the upper area of the moral side’s chest and to place his right hand lower, to the side of the ribcage.

“Don’t worry, Virgil. You’ve got this. I know you do,” Logan reassured, giving the anxious side a faint smile before backing away.

Virgil pushed back the fear that he couldn’t save Patton. Failure wasn’t an option. This needed to be done, and this needed to be done now.

With one swift and decisive movement, Virgil sent the current of electricity to Patton’s heart.

He paused and gently felt for a pulse in the other’s neck. Nothing.

Trying not to let that discourage him, the anxious side directed the surge of electricity again and then paused once more to feel for a heartbeat.

This time, there was a faint rhythmic thudding.

Anxiety sighed with relief, wanting nothing more than to hold Patton tightly in his arms and never let go. He settled for holding the other’s hand.

“He’s breathing,” Virgil whispered.

The anxious side heard Logan let out a breath. Logic had been just as afraid as him.

—-

It was a few days before Patton woke up.

When he did, he found that he was surrounded by teddy bears, chocolates, flowers, and friends. A new pair of glasses sat on his bedside table, he reached out and put them on. Roman and Logan were fast asleep on some chairs near his bed. Virgil was the only one awake.

Virgil glanced up when he heard Patton struggling to sit up in bed.

“Dad….” he whispered quietly, drawing Patton’s attention.

“Virgil,” he softly smiled and then frowned slightly, “What happened?”

“What do you remember?”

The moral side furrowed his brows in thought, “I was with you, I think. We were going to watch a movie, but….”

He shuddered slightly, remembering the cruel voice.

Virgil wrapped his hands around Patton’s hand. “It’s okay. I know about the voices and what they–what they must’ve said to you.”

Tear droplets pricked at the corner of Patton’s eyes, “They weren’t just voices. They were—they were my thoughts.”

“No, Pat. I promise you, they weren’t. It was Deceit and the other dark sides toying with your emotions. They wanted you gone because you’re their most powerful adversary.”

“Powerful? But they told me I was weak. They said that I caused nothing but pain to everyone.”

Virgil’s face darkened, “And they made you believe it too. Those fucking liars.”

“Virgil!” Patton’s eyes widened and the anxious side gave a sheepish smile.

“It’s true, Patton. They freakin manipulated you. Broke you down until—until you felt like leaving us.”

The moral side was beginning to remember now and he hung his head in shame, “I’m so sorry! I shouldn’t have let them get to me. I should’ve been stronger.”

The anxious side squeezed his hand reassuringly, “Don’t beat yourself up about it. They’re awfully good at getting in people’s heads.”

“Did I–did I hurt Thomas?”

He avoided Patton’s eyes, “He–he had a panic induced heart attack, but he’s recovering. It wasn’t just you. I had to use my abilities.”

“Oh. I hope he’s okay.”

“He should be. I explained everything that had happened, I think he understands.”

An unpleasant feeling came over Patton. He watched Virgil carefully, noticing something he hadn’t before. He had assumed that his strange son was always shifting his eyes around the room because he was Anxiety and that just made him overly vigilant, but….

“How do you know, Virge?”

“How do I know what?” he shifted uncomfortably.

“How do you know that they’re good at getting in people’s heads?”

Anxiety sighed, “Because they’ve done it to me before. They didn’t go so far as pushing me to that part of the mind. They did, however, show me the door to the subconscious. I was just a game to them. It wasn’t like what they tried to do to you. They were serious this time, and I can only imagine how bad that was.”

Patton gasped, “You never told me!”

“I wasn’t close to you like I am now.”

The moral side pulled Virgil in for a hug, “I need to know these things. I want to help.”

Virgil rolled his eyes, but hugged Patton back. “I promise to tell you when I’m hurting, but you have to promise me the same thing.”

The moral side nodded, beginning to pull away from the embrace. To his surprise, Virgil pulled him closer, refusing to let go so quickly.

“I was so afraid I lost you, dad.”

Patton cradled his son in his arms, whispering soothing words of comfort.

—-

Roman and Logan awoke to find father and son nestled together and fast asleep. A beautiful scene that made them smile.

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@ultimate-queen-of-fandoms @anxious-but-whatever