#I gave my brothers so many wedgies oh my god I was really THAT kid

[aclosetfan]

“Jeez,” you’re obviously thinking, “what could she possibly say about Blossom that hasn’t already been written about by a fic writer who specializes in either romance, angst, or a cheap combo deal of both genres??? Gonna analyze how she’s not actually perfect? Inherently flawed? Gonna reduce her to a bitch? Gonna tell us how she’s the perfect boss girl? Maybe say she’s awkward? OCD? Stoic? Motherly? All knowing?? That no one but the male character you’ve paired her with can outwit her? That’s all been done. What possible take could you make that is a new refreshing look at Blossom that I haven’t already seen?”

And I’d be like damn, chill, dude. Take a breath. It’s not that deep. I’m not gonna say any of that. Nah, ima do you ya one worse and list all the reasons why Blossom Utonium would be The Most Annoying Sibling anyone could ask for.

Like yes. She’s bossy. And yes. She’s a know-it-all, but everyone already KNOWS that. It’s the OTHER stuff she does that drives her sisters mad.

“Well, I’m the oldest!” “You are not the oldest! We were created simultaneously! You are literally NOT the oldest!” “Well, if we go by the order we were named in, I’m-“ “THAT DOESNT MAKE YOU THE OLDEST!” “Tch. That is such a youngest sibling thing to say, Buttercup.” [temper tantrum that coincidentally proves Blossom’s point]

Blossom’s motto is she’s right 100% of the time, even when she’s wrong. It’s some mightier-then-thou bullshit that has lead her to be on the receiving end of a few wedgies when she was little

She’s the fun-police. No fun allowed! Until, of course, she wants to annoy you, and then everything’s fair game.

she’s a dorky nerd 👏 not in the “she can’t cook, lol” or the “haha Blossom likes to read” but in the “oh so when you said you knew about the Second Bulgarian Empire’s first war with the Latin Empire in the year 1204, you really meant you know about the Second Bulgarian Empire’s first war with the Latin Empire in the year 1204” kind of way and guess who has the privilege of hearing about it at 2am????

Bad jokes. Bad jokes. Bad jokes. She’s got the cheesiest one liners! And the worst part is she always says them right before they start fighting the bad guys

No! Wait! Actually the worst part is the fact that Blossom doesn’t seem to realize the oneliners are so incrediably cheesy they even make the bad guys cringe. So despite her sisters protest, she just keeps doing it because she thinks her word play is so clever.

When Blossom gets laughing, like really laughing, she’s got the ugliest, snortiest laugh that’s so damn funny if her bad pun didn’t make you laugh, you’re certainly laughing now

On her days off from being a superhero, catch my girl numbing her brain with the absolutely worst soap operas the world has ever produced, and after they’re done she makes you sit there and psychoanalyze every scene

She’s a big movie talker but lord forbid you have anything to say during the movie 🙄 she bites your head off

For someone so freaking smart, she sure does fuck up laundry. It’s her least favorite chore. the amount of times the WHOLE family has had to pitch away articles of clothing because something very pink or very red bled through all the whites again is ungodly.

Speaking of clothes, she’s the one that’s always magically finding things “on her side of the closest” so obviously “she thought it was okay to wear” and “really you’re making a big deal out of nothing.”

Bathroom hog. Bathroom hog. Bathroom hog. She’s got too much hair not to be, and speaking of hair!!!! It is everywhere! She sheds like a freaking cat. One time Buttercup had a hair in her mouth, pulled it out, and to her horror, kept pulling until the long red strand was safely pinched between her fingers. It left her overdramatically gagging for days.

The epitome of elegance and grace until she falls flat on her face. It seems like on top of all of Townsville, Blossom needs a great deal of saving herself.

“Can you please stop comparing everything to the Bulgarian conflict of 1204?”

Oof you remember that one girl from high school that was just too nice?? Was always so attentive to anyone who was talking to her? A VERY active listener?? And the evil part of you would go “god what the fuck is her problem?” That girl you’re thinking of right now is actually Blossom Utonium.

At the same time, she’ll blackmail the hell out of her sisters when she’s being petty and doesn’t feel like doing a chore or saving the day, leaving them to wonder if the “everything nice” is just one big ruse. Blossom’s always just there for the worst and most embarrassing moments. She caught one of them making out with a movie poster. She caught the other in the closest sobbing to the latest Disney soundtrack. She’s got things in her back pocket that would ruin them

And they don’t have any freaking dirt on her!!?!?!??! It makes them scream!🤬🤬

And no one believes them!! No one believes Buttercup or Bubbles when they (loudly) complain about how awfully annoying Blossom is. No one believes that sweet, nice, mild-mannered Blossom could ever be vindictive, or talkative, or mean. No one! And when BC and Bubs look over at Blossom, after another person has laughed them off, she’s wearing a shit-eating grin, because they all know no one will ever, ever, believe them.

She blows a kiss their way and waves her fingers in hello, but it’s okay, because three seconds later she trips over her own feet and sports a bruise on her forehead the whole rest of the day. (Still BC and Bubs get in trouble for laughing)

The most annoying part about Blossom, though, is that despite it all, somehow, Buttercup and Bubbles love her anyways. What’s a seemingly perfect “older” sister if they don’t bug the shit out of you???

“If you don’t shut up RIGHT NOW and go to sleep, I’ll ship your dead body to Bulgaria, do not push me!”