#I got very hyperfixated on something else and have been unable to function normally

[multi-fandom-bullshittery]

Oc asks 22, 23, 24 and 25

👹 for Fracture and Genesis of them all

(I am so good at being patient MUAAAHAHAHAHA)

Served up on a silver platter!

[22] Do they have nightmares, and if yes, when did they start and what are they usually about?

For: Fracture

Yep. They used to be a bit more uncommon. A good portion of them revolve around his fear of rejection. He sees a group of people, he tries to talk to them, and when they turn to him, they're faceless. They jeer at him and mock him, and suddenly he feels so much smaller than them, and the dream makes it look like that too. He tries and tries to be funny, to make small talk, to come up with anything he might have in common with them, but they just hate him. He tries to run away, but the floor disappears in front of him, and he falls into a pit of darkness. Then he wakes up.

He also has nightmares about the Parasite and what it makes him do. Usually he's watching himself as he (the parasite) feeds.

These dreams evolve after he gets settled with the S.Q. to involve them as well, in both nightmares.

[22] Do they have nightmares, and if yes, when did they start and what are they usually about?

For: Genesis

Genesis struggles to sleep most of the time. What with the constant pain and fear, sleep doesn't come easily. When it does find sleep, it's woken up intermittently when the various pains in its body flare up.

And with the S.Q. it doesn't really want to sleep anyways. For the first little while, it's afraid of waking up in the Labs again, like it was all a dream.

But when it does sleep well, it's usually hopped up on painkillers or sedatives that make dreaming.. difficult.

[23] What was the worst, the darkest period of their life that they have been through?

For: Fracture

The "current" part of his story, most likely. Abandoned again, struggling with the Parasite and everything that comes with that, and trying to adjust to the Status Quo.

Trust issues, a healthy amount of paranoia, guilt, depression, everything... yeah, he's not having fun.

Just kidding :)

It's a good answer, and the 2nd in line, but no.

It's when he begins losing his sanity.

[23] What was the worst, the darkest period of their life that they have been through?

For: Genesis

It's time in Nexus Labs was definitely the worst part of its life. The way its life ends is a good contender, but at least then its surrounded by people that care about it, and it goes painlessly and comforted.

But its days of being an experiment...

That's something no one should have to experience.

Treated like a lab rat, no longer a person, just a test subject. Fear disregarded, ignored, or worse. Not even a proper bed to sleep on, or any belongings to call its own. The bare minimum of nutrients needed to survive. Just sleep, eat, injections, repeat. Until it looked like a monster, unrecognizable. And that was just another reason to be mistreated. Crippling, unfathomable pain, completely ignored. Basic tasks like eating becoming nearly impossible. An endless cycle of fear and pain.

[24] How hard it is for them to not allow their emotions to cloud their judgement?

For: Fracture

Depends on the emotion. Fracture can usually manage anger, fear and positive emotions fairly well, keeping a level head. But more complex feelings, like the need to be accepted and liked, or the fear of rejection... he definitely struggles with those. If he even slightly feels the need to fit in, that will direct all of his actions until he's removed from the situation.

[24] How hard it is for them to not allow their emotions to cloud their judgement?

For: Genesis

[25] Do they have fears and phobias, and if they do, do they usually keep it to themselves or talk about it openly?

Since fear is the primary, default emotion for Genesis, and that's a survival thing, it definitely dictates almost everything they do. But, y'know, since its main fear response is freeze.. what they do because of it isn't much. So it's complicated. It does make it a lot harder for Genesis to trust people that mean well, which can sometimes piss people off. The first few days with the S.Q. were rough because of this. Before Doc really understood why Genesis acted the way it did, he got annoyed with it easily for how much it shied away or flinched from him when he was just trying to figure out the situation and help.

For: Fracture

Fracture's most obvious fear is his fear of abandonment, but there's a lot that goes into that. It also encompasses his fear of rejection, his fear of failure, his fear of setting expectations he can't live up to... yeah. Those are the existential ones. He's also afraid of the parasite, and of what he'll become because of it.

The "normal" irrational one? He fucking hates wind storms. They really freak him out. He doesn't even have to be outside in teh wind, just hearing how string the wind is from inside is enough to make him jumpy.

He denies all of the above vehemently.

[25] Do they have fears and phobias, and if they do, do they usually keep it to themselves or talk about it openly?

For: Genesis

Genesis is afraid of everything and everyone.

But more specifically, scientists and doctors. Freaks the hell out about anyone wearing one of those white coats. Also terrified of needles to the point of hysteria and becoming completely irrational and inconsolable for a time. Anyone it trusts tries to approach it with a syringe? Trust immediately broken. Doesn't matter how careful or gentle they are, doesn't matter what's in the syringe, doesn't matter if they're trying to help. And it takes a damn long time to earn that trust back.

Genesis is also afraid of thunderstorms and strong winds, along with most new experiences.

It's definitely not something Genesis could hide if it tried. It's out there for everyone to see.

[q-u-a-c-k]

rant that you can just skip over 😂 it's just detailed intrusive thoughts. and I'm continuing to rant about literally everything that goes through my brain so I am here writing this and not acting on thoughts or being stupid.

okay so this is a note from after I have written all that. and basically it's complaining and ranting about everything and hyperfixating on space and science in the end. in the middle I talk about my fears of love 😂 potentially triggering stuff? it's all nonsense you really dont have to read it. it was just to keep myself from doing something I shouldn't. so if you could be triggered by literally anything maybe dont? idk. I cant stop you but it's probably annoying and not interesting. if anyone does read it though let me know if I need to tag it anything.

So my brain has now decided that because there is no way I am sleeping tonight unless it's exhaustion, I get intrusive thoughts. fun! so rn it has been fixated on the fact that because I am closest to the outside. not hall door. that I could easily sneak out. which is very much not good idea, because 1) I dont live in this area, 2) it's still cold as fuck outside at night, 3) I would literally fucking get lost or caught immediately. So yeah :) I dont even know what I would do if I did go and I don't want to because I have an idea of what brain would say and that's a big no. it's especially big no because I'm too comfortable with the idea of it but I'm not allowed to. and I guess now it's kinda good because brain is thinking about how I miss my cat. I just wanna see my baby and be in my safe place with the people I'm actually comfortable with (cat and phone with online friends) like guys he's so fuckung adorable and what if he doesnt know why I'm not there right now. usually he sleeps in my room at night. so what if he's in my room waiting for me and I cant go see him. you're damn right that I'm crying about this. i just want my baby because he is my baby and an indicator of a safe place.

also I am so incredibly fucking uncomfortable. like I cannot sleep because 1) in a place I do not know 2) there are people (family) in the room that I am not comfortable letting my guard down around 3) there's so much noise from snoring (and from one sleep talking) 4) I am on the couch because when we go places I'm always the one who has to and it's a shitty pull out bed couch. it makes way too much noise that I have been in an uncomfortable position for over 3 hours because I dint want to disturb anyone else. and I can very easily feel like of the metal bars under the middle of my back 5) I am very cold. I forgot a blanket and I didnt get one because the room only gave us one extra one (I dont think we're supposed to have an extra person) ad my sister got it even though I'm the one by the outsid,door, window, and air conditioner which wont turn off. I at least have my flannel though to cover my legs 6) my head hurts so bad because it's the kind of headache that hurts to have eyes open, breath, or move around in general 7) my stomach hurts so bad because I had to eat because apparently people get hungry and are supposed to eat along with anxiety from literally all of this 8) I have not gotten to be alone for more than 10 minutes since the middle of Wednesday whereas usually I spend almsot all of my time alone (with cat and phone with online friends) in my safe place. 9) I have not stopped crying (not really like crying crying but like there has been tears or water from my eyes because for some reason they burn and some because of anxiety or missing cat. 10) I keep thinking that at any moment I close my eyes someone is going to break into the room or one of my family members are gonna do something (I literally dont know what, that's intrusive thoughts talking but I have previously freaked out because I thought they were gonna aliven't me for no reason) 11) When I'm somewhere I'm not used to I get really bad muscle cramps in my arms and legs and I am not having fun with that.

sorry that was a shit ton of complaining that nobody should have read or give a shit about. so sorry if anyone actually read that?

also Allison, if you actually do read this (istg you really dont have to. like I said this is just my train of thoughts written to prevent me from doing anything. I am not watching wandavision until later today 😂 and I am staying off the discord server I joined becuas of potential spoilers.

anyways continuation of rants and complaints. I really want to put the phone down and attempt to sleep even though I know I'm not gonna be able to and for that reason I have to write here because I do not trust myself with my brain being like this rn. but I wanna put phone down so bad because my eyes hurt and my head hurts from having eyes open.

and I really wanna just get my earbuds out and have controlled noise and potentially fall asleep but that would take noise louder than them to drown them out but any noise already is hurting my head and earbuds sound really uncomfortable right now.

also I'm starting to get really cold again because the flannel was working for a little but I think that was because I had to move a little bit to get it out and on my legs and I haven't been moving.

also my sister (sleep.talker) has been just making noises and mumbling all night except just now she went "eww" and rolled over and continued snoring and sleeping. so that's fun. totally didnt scare me.

oh my God it's fuckung almost 3:30 I just wanna sleep. at this rate I dont care in what way it happens, but I want sleep in the next 10 minutes so I cannot be aware of how uncomfortable or in pain I am.

my back (which usually already has back pain) connot stand to lay on the bar in this position anymore so I have to move but it's so loud and I dont wanna wake anyone up or move into a worse position but feel bad for moving.

I have now moved and I dont THINK I woken anyone up. back is better but head hurts so much more now because of movement and I am now laying on my knee which I have a lot of problems with and am not having a fun time.

idk what to talk about. I want sleep or to at least put phone down but like I said multiple times I do not trust my brain rn so I have to keep writing stuff. and I dont want to just keep complaining but idk what to talk about and complaining is easiest rn because I was out in an uncomfortable situation by coming with them and I didnt want to in the first place but would not be able to stay home.

I am now gonna talk about sleep and my thoughts about it. I like being asleep but I also dont. I like being not awake but most of the time do not like the dreams I have. but sleep itself is such an interesting concept. like the body forces itself to shut down and put you unconscious to like rest itself or repair before continuing to function. and it's like (supposed to be) on a specific or close to schedule. like youre supoosed to have a schedule for when you're unconscious. and this is completely normal. a part of our society is actually shaped around this too? like at certain times around the world it gets all dark and the world goes quiet for a while. idk I just think it's really interesting. maybe it's not idk lmao.

and now brain wants to talk about how and why I am afraid to love. :). brain is afraid to love because that means I have to be vulnerable to someone and that's just so terrifying to do, especially being someone who is different than a lot of the heteronormative society. like I absolutely love my friends. and once I'm comfortable around them, I'm gonna tell them that I love them as much as I can (but also dont want to make them uncomfortable). because if I finally feel comfortable enough around you to be vulnerable and accept that I love you despite brain's overwhelming urge to say I don't and be invulnerable and safe, I'm gonna tell you that as much as I can that I love you. because it literally happens so little in my life that I actually really trust someone. so if I tell you I love you I mean it (and it tells you I trust you). like seriously, I barely even say it to my mom because I'm so on guard and trying to watch my back around her. and I dont think I say it to the rest of my family. unless it's my grandparents I'm gonna tell them that because I think I do just in a different way of your my grandparent and you're family. and I occasionally say it to my irl best friend because there's still a lot I'm on guard about because I haven't told her a lot of things so we're not as close as you'd think. but if you're reading this I have probably told you i love you. and i know Allison i tell you as much as i can because I think yyou'rethe absolute top person that I trust and love, so i try to tell you a lot. because I love you!! you're like my entire found family 😂

but now we're gonna talk about reasons why I'm terrified to be in love romantically. Because I dont think i have actually liked someone romantically or really ever be romantically interested in anyone. I have thought about it because I felt like I had to tell myself I was ( I was not). like i thought I had a crush on someone once but I think it was because I was unable to be their friend at the time that I wanted to be their friend even more. and because I never really got to pick my friends I didnt know what it was like to actually want to be friends with someone. but thinking about someone romantically I just cant really do. because I don't want to get into a romantic relationship if I don't know if I'm gonna like them romantically at all. do people like people romantically when they first go out with someone? or do they just say I kinda like this person let's try it out? because that just doesnt make sense to me and idk. and it could very well be that I'm just to young to know yet. because I still dont even know what I would want from a romantic relationship. like... Idk what there is for me to want or what's different to loving your friends besides calling them something else? and the whole having to trust that this person likes you in a specific way that you might like them before you take it far enough and get hurt because they just don't feel the same? or you're the one that's not really sure and potentially hurt someone else? I know people say it's just a risk you're gonna have to take but I dont want to take a risk like that. I dont mind being hurt from it myself but in terrified at the thought that I could potentially hurt someone because I just dint feel a certain way. and I still dont know what the difference is between friend love or romantic love to be able to judge or risk that? like seriously what is different? because I mean, maybe affection like have someone to hug or cuddle? but you could do that with friends and it should be a normal thing to have with your friends. but ig this still is a fucked up society that thinks everything has to be more than what it really is. and it just leaves people touch starved because of it. idk. maybe one day I'll figure it out, but how it's just Greek and foreign to me. idfk.

well that was fun. now it's 4 and I need something else to talk about because even if I do potentially fall alseep soon, I do not want those to be my last thoughts and possibly have dream about it (dreams for me are typically not good).

I think I see the moon. it's either a moon or a parking lot light. and I know the moon is either full or very close to full (I'm pretty sure it's just very. close) but I wish all of those lights outside were off and possibly have a new moon so I could see the stars. I love the stars so much. i love the moon, too, but right now it's very bright. but I wish I was more into astronomy and knew more about it. because that's also something that's very interesting to me is space and the stars. I wanna be someone who knows about all of the constellations. but I have a horrible memory and absolutely would not be able to remember 88 different stories. although I'd want to. even though most of them or a bunch are just Zeus being a dick. but more to the science side of the stars is so interesting to me that they're soooooo far away. like they're literally incomprehensibly far away. like I cannot comprehend how big a football field is without see one, I'm agine being able to comprehend the distance of light years? like I know we know how far it is but I'm pretty sure human minds cannot comprehend how far that ACTUALLY is. even if we know it's a LOT. and isnt it cool how we're able to know there are other planets outside of the solar system? I believe it's 4 different planets that we know of that are MORE inhabitable than earth. like better to live on. and they have either older or stronger stars that wouldn't die out as fast as our sun. although there comes the debate of if we should be able to go to them. it's a very debatable question, but I think overall the answer would be no. because humans have fucked up an entire planet, why should we be allowed to do it to another? like it realize it's literally a percent of humans that fucked it up for the rest of the planet, but humans have an inner need to have power over everyone else and other things and would stop at nothing to get what they want. humans could so easily become corrupt and destroy other planets too. it's kind of a fucked up thing to say, but I feel like maybe humans should die out with our planet. like of course it's not fair to the ones who haven't had the chance to live a life yet. but it was never fair to the other creatures humans killed for their own needs. like we have caused extinction several times. karma will get you back in the end ig. and it would be cool to know but obviously we wouldnt be able to know, if a species even smarter than humans evolved and kept the peace on earth, even as the ruling species? ruling sounds wrong but idk what else to call it. whatever we are above everything else is what they would be. but it would be so amazing to know what smarter beings are alive or could eventually live. like that's so fucking cool.

anyways I should probably try to sleep or put phone down because now brian doesnt have time to let me do anything I shouldnt. it's 4:30 😂 someone is probably gonna wake up soon because idk.

[toddhowardxreader]

this is cringe. don’t read it

i’m not smart (in general, but particularly) regarding psychology and complexes and how the brain decides to work. but i got a B when i took psych in college which admittedly is higher than the usual D and F’s i get in courses, though psych was hard for me because i would have panic attacks in class pretty regularly (i was very unmedicated at the time and when the professor talked about suicidal ideation and depressive episodes and mania it would sure hit a little too close to home).

but i haven’t been to therapy in, uh, how many months has it been now? i am no longer keeping track because it’s too upsetting, but it’s the same amount of time it’s been since i’ve actually had regular human contact. since my roommate moved out i’ve spent the past month FULLY alone, other than the small domestic mustelid and miniature psittaculids who provide much appreciated companionship but little in the way of human interaction. so it’s pretty much the norm for me to just, Not see another human in my day to day life. please know that when i went to the grocery store for the first time again last week i almost cried because the cashier was nice to me and he literally noticed i was about to cry and asked if i was okay. this is where my life is at. i’m just including all these details because i need to stress the loneliness here. i’m Okay, relatively, i cherish whatever bits of contact i can make with people but in general quarantine has affected this one pretty impressively.

so, i guess, with this in mind, and with my historically evasive and escapist methods of coping, and also all the brain sicknesses, it makes SENSE that i latch onto very ridiculous things just to make it through the day because wtf else do i have. how else am i supposed to function like a normal human. the opportunity was available for me, and the adhd in my brain naturally wants to hyperfixate, it was easy and effortless so i let it happen because dopamine is dopamine and in THIS economy? can’t have enough of it.

this is vague bc i’m embarrassed to be specific but if anyone has talked to me it’s obvious. i refuse to say it because admission of guilt will make it too real, but i know my own sins too well to escape them.

the combination of factors that this summer has placed me in lead to me falling much more aggressively than i have before, though i’m no stranger to being hypfixed on really... niche subjects, if i have absolutely nothing else to turn to it makes SENSE that i’ll take whatever’s available and go a little bit more feral than i would otherwise.

the final additional factor being: usually i can find someone to indulge in my manufactured hellscape with me, as agonizing as the process can be, my brain works in a fashion where i have to inflict my cringe and fail creations onto others and invite them to the mess i’ve made myself at home in and with past indulgences, no matter how upsettingly niche they’ve been, i’ve either been able to find SOMEONE else in the muck and have them join my party, or i’ve been able to scrounge around in the cutters for old fic and art created by others and use it for my own devices. in this situation i’ve currently gotten myself into neither of those are applicable and the loneliness is magnified by being so unendingly smitten over something and not being able to SHARE it with anyone and it sucks!!!! i miss people sure but i miss having stupid geeking moments with someone who sees my brain obsession and can say Same Fucking Hat.

this is essentially a lot of words to say that i made a bad choice in my seasonal special interest, am very alone with no one else to talk to about it, and am going to suffer most acutely when it all comes to a peak in several hours, and it will result in me being too sad over things i really shouldn’t be sad about but unable to express this to anyone because the vicious circle of it’s a dumb thing to be sad over in the first place.

for what it’s worth i guess i don’t regret it because i’ve had a lot of fun in this mess. 

but. fuck. there are individuals i miss every day, because they understood this feeling and were so patient and willing to listen and i wish i held on a little tighter to them because i’m realizing how rare it is to meet someone you connect to like that.

tl;dr: i am so fucking lonely and all i have day in and day out is my own thoughts in my own brain and i hate being trapped in here because my brain does not have my own best interests in mind, and now i have to deal with the stupidest possible depressive spiral because i got too invested when i knew i shouldn’t have.