#I have a box of tissues AND a pint of ice cream at the ready.

[shima-draws]

Ahaha. Aha. I just finished Zou. I am officially. On the Whole Cake Island arc.

[lexirosewrites]

I know someone said something about omegas being like a gal before her monthly, right before their heat (it was either here or a post). I’m just imagining Steve and Robin feed off one another, like they’re synced up watching a film like “where the red fern grows” (if you know how it end then yah know) and Chrissy and Eddie just have to comfort them. Maybe they get suckered into getting dogs.

oh they’d be a disaster. empty pints of ice cream all over the place, sad movie marathon, crying over everything and anything. chrissy and eddie come in with boxes of tissues and more chocolate, ready to cuddle their mates and make sure they’re taken care of and well-rested before their heats💕

[itsthestutterforme]

One of the Boys (All American)

Darnell runs into Y/N during his UCLA tour. He invites her to a party and Y/N gets jealous when girls started to hit on Darnell. Flash forward, they are a couple and Darnell tells Y/N that he is going back to Nevada

--

"Alright, now switch poses." The photographer instructs. Y/N inhaled deeply before changing her position. She's been at this photoshoot at UCLA for three hours and she's starving. Little did she know that Darnell, Spencer and Jordan went on a tour on the same day of her photoshoot.

One of the head directors of the UCLA baseball/softball board wanted Y/N to take pictures in the UCLA uniform. They wanted her to be the face of UCLA softball.

Now, Y/N has the baseball bat behind her neck and her arms rested on it. She has one leg propped up against the brick wall. "Wow, you mind if you can send that one to me." Darnell asks with his hands in his pockets. Y/N face lit up when she saw Darnell and Jordan asks Spencer, "Who is that?" "Remember when I said that someone from the softball team hit Darnell with a softball?" Spencer starts. "Yeah?"

Spencer motions to her and Jordan says, "That's her?" Spencer nods and Jordan adds, "Hell, she can hit me with baseball bat and I'll say thank you." "You are such a simp, dog." Spencer says, making them both laugh. "So we're going to a party later tonight. Wanna come?"

"Uh, from the looks of it, it's more of a boys night out. I don't what to impede on anyone." Y/N says. "Then you're one of the boys now," Darnell says nonchalantly. "Just like that I'm one of the boys?"

"Y/N, after everything went down, you took me to the walk in clinic to make sure I was okay." Darnell explains. "Only OGs do that for someone else." Spencer says. Y/N looks from Spencer to Darnell and Jordan. "Alright then, I'm in." "Bet,"

Later that night, Y/N arrived at the frat house to meet the boys. She wore a black, long sleeve v-neck shirt that exposed her shoulders, ripped white jeans and black boots. Her curly hair was out and bouncing with every one of her steps. Jordan's mouth hangs up and Spencer slapped his chest. "Who is that?" JJ asks, making Spencer sigh. "It's going to be a long night," Spencer says to himself.

As soon as Y/N and Darnell walk in, they were recognized. "Hey, isnt that one of the quarter backs that made the Best Players List?" "Is that girl who set the record for the fastest female high school batter speed?" "Hey," Y/N says. "Oh my God, hey! Can you take a picture with us please?" One girl states. And the next thing she knew, a whole crowd of people werw surrounding her.

She looked over to Darnell to see the same thing happening with him. Well this is a bummer. She thinks to herself. As the night progressed, Y/N pulled away from her crowd but Darnell didn't. He was still taking pictures with some girls. Y/N didn't care about that part, she cared that the girls would move his hand to their waist.

Y/N was fed up with watching the whole thing, so she took a shot before making her way over there. "Told you she was going to say something," Asher said. "Shit, I would too if a girl asked me out and spent the whole time with other people." Spencer says.

Y/N walks up to Darnell with her arms crossed. "What's wrong?" Darnell asks, pulling away from the thirsty girls. "I need to send a message," she says. "A message? Do you need my phone or..?" "Nope," she gets on her tip toes and pressed a warm kiss on his lips. He leans his body into her and held her face in his hands. She pulls away to say, "Message sent."

She pulls away from him and tries to walk back to the boys when Darnel grabs her arm. He pulls her back into his chest and kissed her again. The boys cheered and whooped, making Y/N smile against his lips.

**

Y/N's POV

This is what I get for falling for someone so soon. Darnell broke up with me because he is leaving to go back to Nevada. He said that it hurt too much to be living in the house that Corey used to live in. It was a constant reminder of him. He said it in person, which increased my respect for him.

I've had too many guys break up with me over text or call. I stayed strong while I was talking with him and gave him a hug before I left. I saved my tears for the car ride home. I pull into my driveway and turn off my car. I reach for the door handle but dropped my hand.

I slowly rest my forehead on the steering wheel and softly cried to myself. My throat tensed from the lack of breath entering my lungs. I tried to gasp for breath, but it became nearly impossible. I had a white knuckle grip on the steering wheel as I lifted me head up. I take short, fast breaths before crying again.

This is why I hate being in relationships, this is exactly why. I reach into my glovebox and pulled out a small box of tissues. I wipe away my tears and blow my nose into it before going inside.

I'm glad that Mom and Dad were on a business trip, because I really don't feel like explaining this to anyone right now. I decided to take my shower and sit on the cold tile floor, letting the blazing hot water drape over my body.

I wait until the water become luke warm to stand up and wash my body. After the shower, I dry myself and put on my favorite pair of fleece, gray shorts and black tanktop. I slide on my fuzzy socks and pull my hair into a loose bun.

"Time to rebinge Vampire Diaries," I say, going downstairs to grab a pint of mint chocolate chip ice cream. I was nearly finished with the ice cream when I hear the door bell ring. My eyebrows furrow because I don't remember order anything and my parents didnt text me with any issues about their trip. I grab my taser and tuck it into my pocket.

I slowly walk down the stairs and approach the door. I look through the peep hole to see Darenell. My heart races because I know I look like shit right now, and there is nothing I can do about it. I open the door and slowly made eye contact with Darnell. "I thought you were leaving for Nevada?"

"Yeah, my Mom actually wanted me to go back to Bratwurst with her. But uh.. we managed to work things out." Not knowing what to say, I motioned him inside. I lean my back against the door and Darnell looks around for my parents. "They're on a business trip." I say softly. "Really? How long are they gone for?"

"A week," I answer. "I'm sorry, Y/N. I know that this hasn't been easy." "Of course this isn't easy for me, Darnell. You broke up with me this morning because you were leaving, and now, I don't even know what you are telling me." "I'm saying that I made a mistake. I should have tried to figure things out before I.." he trails off.

He walks over to me and a breath hitched in my throat. He holds the side of my face and caresses the skin under my eyes. Chills rushed down my body and he said, "And I clearly hurt you and broke your trust. I never meant to do that." "I know. But I still need time to heal," "I understand that," He presses a kiss on my forehead before saying, "I'll be here when you're ready."

He pulls away from me and I say, "Wait," He stopped and I take his hand into mine. "Hold me while I eat my icecream," I add. He smiles and says, "Depends on what kind it is." I pull him in for a hug and he gently started to rock our bodies side to side. "I love you," he says. "Love you too."

[heauxplesslydevoted]

Bonding Moments

Summary: After a hard day at work, Naomi bonds with an unlikely ally.

Pairing: Mentions of F!MC x Ethan, but mostly F!MC x Aurora friendship

Word Count: 3k+

So...this story took a completely unexpected turn and I think I’m going to add a part 2. But as always, let me know what you think!

Naomi really thought after a disastrous intern year that she’d have a handle working on the diagnostics team with Ethan. But it was hard, much harder than she anticipated. The tension in the air, the lingering glances, the unspoken words, the blurred lines that they constantly tiptoed, it was all becoming too much to handle.

It all came to a head on a fateful Friday. Naomi was having a really shitty day. On top of being exhausted from working over 19 hours straight, she and Ethan had been running tests on a patient—a 13 year old gymnast named Anna—all day, only to find out that she had an inoperable tumor growing on her spine.

This wasn’t the first patient Naomi lost, but it hit her harder than most. She barely made it out of Anna’s room after delivering the bad news before she started crying.

“Rookie?” Ethan started, catching her by the elbow.

“Sorry.” Naomi wiped her eyes hurriedly. “Sorry, just give me a minute, I’ll pull myself together.”

“Come with me,” Ethan said, his grip still on her elbow. He gently lead her to the privacy of his office, where she fully broke into sobs once the door was closed

Naomi sank into a chair and let her tears flow freely. What was the point in trying to stop them? Ethan slid a box of tissues in her direction. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

“I usually don’t cry, but I can’t help but feel bad,” Naomi continued with a shuddering breath. “She’s just a kid. She has her entire life ahead of her. Or had. She’s supposed to be getting ready for high school, and meeting new friends. And she and her parents put all of their trust into us and we failed them. I failed them.”

“Don’t do that to yourself. You did everything you could, but unfortunately this one is out of your control.”

“I still feel horrible.”

Ethan rounded his desk and crouched down next to Naomi. “I get it, I really do. When Delores died, it felt like a hole in the earth opened up and swallowed me. And I felt hopeless. It always hurts when there’s nothing we can do, but you can’t bog yourself down with guilt.”

Naomi knew Ethan was right, it still hurt. A lot. “I feel like there should be something I can do.”

“Right now, all you can do is make her as comfortable as possible, should she choose to stay here. If not, you let her go and live her life.”

They fell into a heavy silence, Naomi trying to regain her composure and Ethan rubbing soothing circles on the back of her hand with his thumb. Naomi found herself relaxing. Her cries subsided, tampering down into a quiet whimper and the occasional hiccup.

“You think you’ll be okay for the rest of your shift?” Ethan asked, breaking the silence.

“Yeah. It’s almost over thankfully.” She just had to get through the next hour without incident and she was free for the next two days.

Ethan reached out and swiped at Naomi’s cheek, catching the tears that had fallen. He leaned forward and placed a kiss at the crown of her head, his lips lingering there. Naomi sighed and leaned into his touch, her eyes fluttering shut. His hands were warm and his cologne was so intoxicating, she felt herself getting dizzy in his presence. All she wanted to do was lean forward and kiss him. It was too much. Too much closeness, too much intimacy and she was getting overwhelmed.

She abruptly pushed her chair back and stood up. “We need to stop.”

“Okay.”

“Ethan, what are we doing?”

“What do you mean?”

“Look, I appreciate you comforting me, but we can’t do this. You put up a wall, you wanted boundaries, you wanted to keep this professional. This isn’t professional. So, you either want to be strictly co-workers, or not.”

He wished he it could that simple. He wished that his feelings for the stubborn and infuriatingly amazing resident were that black and white. “Rookie–”

“I’m in love with you,” Naomi confessed. “And I can’t keep doing this with you, these fleeting moments of intimacy. If I’m being honest with you, it’s torturing me.” 

Ethan felt like he had been hit with a semi-truck upon hearing Naomi’s words. All of the air had been sucked out of the room. 

“And I don’t know if you feel the same way or not, because of this push and pull we have going on. One day, I feel like we’re making progress and the idea of us maybe being together seems feasible, and then there are days where I feel like I’m interacting with a complete stranger. So for my own sanity, I need you to respect the boundaries you put in place. Please.”

“Of course.” Ethan cleared his throat awkwardly. “I’m sorry.”

Naomi ignored his apology. She knew he truly felt sorry, but it didn’t bring her any solace. “I’m going to finish the rest of my shift. See you around, Dr. Ramsey.” And with that, Naomi scurried out of his office, not even bothering to look back.

~~~~~

And now here she was a few hours later, curled up in a throw blanket, eating a pint of ice cream at the kitchen island, The Notebook playing softly in the background for the millionth time. The apartment was quiet, thankfully. All of her roommates went bowling downtown, but she wasn’t up for it. She just wanted to wallow for the evening.

She heard a set of keys jingle and a few seconds later, Aurora walked in, a large reusable grocery bag in her hand. “Oh! Hey, I didn’t think you’d be home.”

“Hi,” Naomi greeted. Aurora dropped her bag onto the kitchen counter, and pulled out a few avocados, limes, an onion, garlic, cilantro, tomatoes, a bag of chips, and a few jalapeños. “Making guacamole?”

“Yeah. I’ve been craving some for the longest.”

“Cool.” Naomi didn’t say anything else after that. She just silently watched as Aurora washed her hands and meticulously prepared all of her ingredients. The girl was methodical in everything she did.

“You can taste test if you want,” Aurora offered, as she was mashing everything together. “I’m biased because I think everything I cook tastes amazing, but it’d be nice to have an outside opinion.”

“Oh, you do not have to tell me twice.” Naomi grabbed a chip and dipped it into the guacamole. She devoured the chip in on bite. 

“Well? Do you think I’m missing anything?”

“It’s perfect,” Naomi said, grabbing another chip.

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

Aurora smiled. “Thank you.”

“You should’ve told us you could cook a lot sooner,” Naomi continued. “Sienna’s getting burnt out as our resident chef.”

“Well, I can't reveal all of my magic at once. I like to keep an air of mystery around. Hell, you weren’t even supposed to find out, I thought I was going to be home alone tonight,”

“So did I. You didn’t want to go out with the rest of the roomies?”

Aurora scoffed. “Please, they wouldn’t want me there anyway.”

“Why do you say that?”

“I get it. I’m tolerated because I pay rent, not because you guys actually like me.”

“You don’t give us the chance to know or like you.”

“I wasn’t liked from day one.”

“You thought we weren’t going to like you or were just going to kiss your ass from day one, and because of that, you came into last year with a major chip on your shoulder.” Aurora opened her mouth to retort, but she quickly closed it once she realized she didn’t really have a defense. “You came in on the offense, claws out, snipping at us, don’t try to deny it.”

“Fine.”

“I get it.”

“Oh really?”

“Yeah. I don’t talk a lot about this, but my grandfather was one of the first African American judges to serve for the federal district court in Maryland. My dad is an attorney, my mother runs a nonprofit in DC, my uncle has his own dental practice, one of my aunts teaches international politics at Georgetown, and the other is getting a PhD in clinical psychology at Northwestern. There’s absolutely no room for slacking in my family. It’s success, or nothing.”

“Wow. Impressive lineage, Valentine.”

“Trust me, I know what it’s like to come from an extremely high achieving family. I get what it’s like striving to be your best and having to go the extra mile to prove yourself in a country that looks down on black women. And I’m sure it’s not easy being the niece of one of the best surgeons in the country, a tidbit I tried to bond with you over on our first day, but you rebuffed me.”

Aurora’s cheeks got hot and Naomi could see them turning a light shade of red. “My first year of medical school, people only wanted to talk to me because I was Harper Emery’s niece. Hell, even the professors were kissing my ass. It’s not easy knowing who’s your friend and who’s using you, but it is easy pushing people away. And on top of that, I had her breathing down my neck every 2 seconds. It’s hard trying to carve out my own path.

“We didn’t care about you being Dr. Emery’s niece, well, I didn’t at least. Jackie might’ve had a hang up, but she would’ve gotten over it. The point I’m trying to make is that you need to let your guard down, just a little bit. And if you don’t, I’ll tear it down myself.”

Aurora laughed. “Is that a threat, Valentine?”

“More like a promise. I have a knack for breaking through people’s rough exteriors.”

“Through annoying stubbornness?”

“Yes.”

“That’s going to take a bit to get used to.”

“But it’ll happen.” 

Aurora rolled her eyes and ignored Naomi. “I got tequila too. Do you want any?”

“Oh my gosh, why didn’t you lead with that? I love tequila!”

Naomi ran to the other side of the kitchen, and rummaged through the cabinets until she found two shot glasses. Aurora produced a bottle of Patron from her bag and poured the shots. She also cut a few slices of lime and slid a salt shaker across the counter.

Naomi licked the back of hand and sprinkled a bit of salt onto the skin. She held up her shot glass and clinked it with Aurora’s. “Salut!” She licked the salt off of her hand and downed the shot in one swoop. Then she grabbed a lime wedge and sucked it.

“Dang.”

“I was the queen of body shots back in college.”

“And that doesn’t surprise me at all,” Aurora quipped. 

Four rounds of shots later, the ladies were still in the kitchen. The alcohol had completely lowered their inhibitions, and they were currently laughing over a bag of tortilla chips.

“You know what we should do?” Naomi started. “We should do face masks!”

“Do you have any?”

“No, but I can make one.” Naomi’s eyes scoured the kitchen, until they landed on a few extra avocados Aurora bought earlier. “Perfect, avocado and honey masks?”

“Avocado and honey?”

“Don’t judge. It’s a tried and true recipe of mine. Guaranteed to make your skin glow.”

“Fine. Do your worst.” Naomi got to cutting the avocados, while Aurora watched. “So, we know the reason I didn’t go bowling with everyone, but why didn’t you go? You’re like, the leader of this little motley crew.”

“Wasn’t in the mood. I had a...trying day.”

“What happened?”

“It’s a long story.”

“I’m all ears.”

“One of my patients is dying. She has an inoperable tumor, and she’s only a kid.”

“I’m sorry.”

“And I nearly had a meltdown in the hallway, but Eth–Dr. Ramsey pulled me into his office and I cried it out there. And then things snowballed.”

“How?”

Naomi took a deep breath. “I’m swearing you to secrecy. I invoking Super Serious Roomie Confidentiality. What is said and seen in this apartment, must stay in this apartment.”

“Fine, fine, I promise not to say anything.”

“Do you pinky swear?”

Aurora stuck out a pinky and interlocked it with Naomi’s. “Pinky swear.”

“So...I slept with Dr. Ramsey.”

Aurora didn’t say anything for a long time. She just stared ahead at Naomi, almost as if she was looking through her. “I’m sorry, what? Is the alcohol playing tricks on me? Did I hear that correctly? You and Dr. Ramsey?”

“Yes.”

“What? Like….wh...how? What?” Aurora shook her head. “Naomi, I’ve never been rendered speechless before. Wow. You’re sleeping with Ramsey?”

“Slept. I slept with Ramsey, past tense.”

“Oh my god, I knew you were his favorite intern in our cohort, but–”

“No, don’t do that. I didn’t sleep with him to get a leg up in the competition. He wasn’t even working at Edenbrook when it happened the first time.”

“The first time? You slept with him more than once?”

“Twice. We slept together twice.”

“This just gets better and better. Was is...good? Is he good? Did he go down on you? Did you do it in his office?”

“Aurora!” Naomi snapped. “Stop asking questions!”

Aurora held her hands up in mock surrender. “You opened the floodgates! You can’t drop a bomb like that and expect me to not have questions. So spill, at least tell me what happened?”

“The first time was a few days before my hearing. We had spent a lot of time together, bonding over working on Dr. Banerji, and I was there for him when his friend Delores passed away. It had been building and building and building, and we almost slept together in Miami, but he stopped it.”

“What?”

“He said it wouldn’t be ethical since he was my attending and I was competing to be on the diagnostics team. So we had to carry around the weight of what almost happened, on top of our Banerji secret. And then he quit. He left Edenbrook without any regard. I was very confused and heartbroken. But Jackie and Sienna told me to reach out, so I went over to his apartment, and we had a huge argument, and then we had sex.”

“And I thought it was the end of us hurtling past each other,” Naomi continued. “I thought it would be the start of some type of relationship, but Dr. Emery gave him his job back. So we had one more night for the hell of it. And then Dr. Banerji promoted Ethan to head of the diagnostics team, and he gave me a spot on it, to our shock. And dismay. Now Ethan is my direct supervisor, so we’ve been trying to act like nothing happened. But it’s hard to do that, because we keep having these moments.”

Naomi couldn’t help but think of all the time she and Ethan spent together. Bonding at the baseball game, watching over little Ethan in the NICU, him taking her to the opera and then making out with her, her making him her (world famous) hangover helper. All of it. All of those big and little moments are what made this hurt so much more. “I wish I could say it was just sex, that he was a guy and I was a girl and we just wanted to fuck each other. I mean, we did, but—”

“You’re in love with him,” Aurora concluded, staring at Naomi with rapt attention. “And now that I know everything, it’s written all over you.”

Naomi blinked hard, trying to will away the tears that were threatening to fall. “I am. I even told him that today. It’s the reason I didn’t want to go out with everyone else.”

“You know what I think?” Aurora asked rhetorically. “I think guys are stupid. You have to lead them to the water and shove it into their mouths.”

“What?” That managed to get a chuckle out of Naomi. “That’s not how the saying goes, at all.”

“The point I’m trying to make is you need to give Ramsey an ultimatum. March right into his office and say, ‘I love you, and I think you love me too. So fuck ethics, and let’s stop playing around and give this thing a real shot, or don’t ever speak to me in a non professional capacity ever again,’ plain and simple.” Aurora gasped. “Call him now!”

“Now?”

“Why not?”

“He could still be working. And I don’t want to have such a serious conversation over the phone.”

“Stop being such a baby, Valentine. Man up.”

“I’ll talk to him eventually. I want to do it with a clear head. And I don’t even know what I’m going to say to him.”

“Don’t rehearse a grand speech. And don’t wait for the right moment. Life is messy, there will never be a perfect time to do anything.”

Naomi knew Aurora was right, but she was scared. “Okay, no more talking about Ethan tonight. It’s face mask time.”

Aurora poured them both another shot. “Geez, Valentine, your life is like a soap opera.”

“Oh please, Grey’s Anatomy wishes they could supply this type of drama,” Naomi teased.

“You got that right.”

Naomi went back to mixing the ingredients for the face masks, while Aurora sat patiently. She had never done things like this when she was younger, so she didn’t know what to expect. 

The front door opened and in walked all of their roommates, plus Bryce and Rafael. They were talking and laughing animatedly, but that all stopped when they saw Aurora and Naomi together in the kitchen.

“Hey guys!” Naomi greeted cheerfully. “How was bowling?”

“I kicked major ass,” Bryce boasted. “But that shouldn’t shock you.”

“Oh please.” Jackie rolled her eyes. “He was alright.”

“Jackie, you got like, 3 gutter balls in a row,” Bryce said. “As long as I was better than you, I consider it a victory.”

“So what are you guys doing?” Sienna asked Naomi and Aurora, pivoting the conversation in a new direction.

“Eating guacamole, getting drunk,” Naomi replied. “Making avocado face masks.”

Bryce gasped. “Face masks without me?” Everyone turned to look at Bryce. “What? You think my face is this perfect without a meticulous skincare routine?”

“So you two have been hanging out together?” Jackie prodded. “All night?”

Naomi nodded. “Yeah. Guys, Aurora is a roomie now. She’s one of us, no ifs, ands, or buts about it.”

Jackie rolled her eyes. “Excuse me?”

“You heard me. She’s part of the gang. We got off on the wrong foot, we misjudged her, she misjudged us, but we’re putting it behind us.”

Aurora sighed. “Look, I’m...sorry. I didn’t give you guys the best first impression of me. I’ve been a lone wolf for so long, and I’m so used to being used and judged because of my last name, I shut people out. I don’t trust easily, which is something I’m willing to work on.”

Jackie visibly deflated at Aurora’s admission. “I guess I didn’t really think of it like that. I was so wrapped up in the competition, I just thought the worst of you, and assumed your aunt was pulling strings. Which was very unfair of me.”

Sienna nodded. “And we didn’t didn’t make matters much better. We stoked the flames every chance we got.”

“So can we all call a truce and get along?” Naomi suggested.  “We’re roommates and coworkers, we might as well make the best of the situation.”

Aurora nodded. “I can do that.”

“So can I,” Jackie agreed.

“Us too,” Elijah added. “Welcome to the gang, Aurora. We do Sunday brunches, and go to extreme lengths to make each other happy.”

“Awww guys,” Bryce cooed, miming wiping a tear from his eye. “This is so beautiful.”

“Shut it, Lahela.”

Bryce ignored Jackie, and stretched out his arms. “This calls for a group hug.”

“No,” Aurora deadpanned.

“You’re a part of the gang now, Aurora,” Sienna said. “We hug it out.”

Everyone crept in on Aurora, pulling her into a very tight group hug. After a few seconds, she spoke up, “So how long do these group hugs last?”

“Just enjoy it, Emery.”

A few seconds later, everyone untangled their limbs and stepped back, giving each other personal space.

Naomi clapped her hands together. “Okay, everyone get comfortable. We’re doing face masks and tequila shots!”

While everyone was settling in and getting comfortable for the rest of the night, Naomi felt her cell phone buzz a few times. She dug into the pocket of her sweatpants and pulled it out. She had 3 new text messages, all from Ethan.

Ethan: Naomi, usually I would never text, but I figured if I called, you might not answer. I just want to say I’m sorry. I never want you to feel any type of hurt or pain, and I especially never want to be the cause of it. My feelings for you are extremely complex yet, very simple at the same time, and I know it feels like I’m jerking you around, but that’s just because I’ve never been in a situation like this. I thought if I pushed you away, the feelings would go away, but that’s not the case. What I feel for you is all-consuming and all encompassing, and it terrifies me.

Ethan: Sorry, if it seems like I’m rambling right now. I’m writing this in a rush because if I think about it for too long, I might lose my nerve and backtrack. 

Ethan: What I’m trying to say is I think I love you, too.

Naomi’s eyes widened at the last message. “Well fuck.”

[nicolasnelson]

Benlos fic - Let the Sparks Fly

Title: Let the Sparks Fly Relationship: Ben/Carlos De Vil, side of Mal/Evie, Harry/Uma, and Gil/Jane Additional Tags: Hogwarts AU, Christmas party, Getting back together, Fluff and angst Chapters: 1/3 Words: 3,687

Ben Florian comes from a long line of pureblood wizards, so he must keep his relationship with Carlos De Vil, a muggleborn wizard, a secret. When Ben's relationship with Carlos is threatened, he decides to stay at Hogwarts for the holidays and host a Christmas party. With luck, he can win Carlos back.

Written for DearDescendants’ 12 Days of Holidays, Day 7 - Holidays in Hogwarts

[AO3 LINK]

Carlos De Vil walked back and forth past the spot on the wall three times with one thought on his mind. Give me a place where I can make out with my secret boyfriend.

The door appeared as it always did, and he eagerly turned the doorknob and slipped inside. It was quiet inside the Room of Requirement. A couch, a cozy fireplace, and a plate of chocolate chip cookies welcomed him. Christmas decorations were draped over the mantelpiece and strung across the walls, and a Christmas tree stood in the corner, decked with glittering ornaments.

Carlos sat down before the roaring fire and nibbled on the cookies while he waited for his boyfriend to arrive. They always staggered their arrival times. They couldn’t come at the same time for fear of being caught. If anyone saw them go into the room together, they’d know what they were to each other.

The door creaked. Carlos tensed, looking over his shoulder. He didn’t know why he was always so worried that someone else would follow him in. The room was good about keeping out unwanted guests. It was the paranoia that came with dating someone in secret.

“Carlos, sorry I’m late. Practice ran a little long.”

“It’s okay. You are a Quidditch legend.”

Ben chuckled. “That’s no excuse.”

Carlos walked over to his boyfriend and kissed his cheek. “Really, it’s okay. I’m just glad you’re here now.”

“Thanks, but that’s less time we have to spend together before I leave for Christmas break.” Ben wrapped his arms around Carlos’s neck and pulled him in for a kiss.

Carlos’s heart fluttered. He ran his fingers through Ben’s hair, tugging at those silky locks, desperate to be closer to him. His breath was hot against his cheek as Ben’s lips ghosted over his skin. Ben whispered into his ear. “I’m really going to miss you. I wish you could come with me.”

“I could,” Carlos said. He’d thought about this a lot, and he had a whole speech prepared. “We’ve been dating for six months now. I know we wanted to keep it a secret in the beginning, to see if it was going anywhere, but I’m ready to tell people now. If you are.”

Ben wasn’t smiling like Carlos had hoped. His expression was frozen, cold. He took a step back. “You know I care about you a lot, and I want to continue dating you, but it feels like it’s too soon.”

“Just last month you said you wanted to tell people.”

“I know, but things change.”

“You don’t like me anymore?”

Ben stepped closer and ran his fingers along Carlos’s arm. “Hey, I definitely still like you.”

“Then why don’t you want to tell people anymore? It’s not like you’re in the closet or anything. You told everyone when you were dating Aziz, and you guys weren’t even together half a year. Why am I any different?”

Ben winced. He took Carlos’s hand into his own. “You know why. I would love to spend Christmas with you. Truly, Carlos. I want nothing more than that, but my parents would never allow it. We could be friends publicly, but anything more than that...”

Carlos felt like his heart had been ripped from his chest. “I thought you didn’t care about blood purity. You’re friends with halfbloods and muggleborns alike. All this time you’ve said you were okay with waiting to tell people about us for my sake, but you never wanted anyone to know ever.”

“It’s not like that, Carlos. I would love to tell people. But you know how my parents are. They would never accept someone muggleborn into the family.”

“So you’re just going to listen to them then? Follow their stupid belief that purebloods and muggleborns can’t mix.”

“I wish things were different.” Ben gave his hand a gentle squeeze. “If you weren’t muggleborn, I’d tell everyone about you, I swear.”

Carlos smiled, but there was no happiness behind it. He felt a coldness in his chest. He’d expected this kind of behavior from his ex. Chad had actually called him that ugly word on the daily. “My precious mudblood,” like it was supposed to be a compliment. Chad was a pureblood Slytherin, and his family was obsessed with blood purity. He’d been upfront that their relationship had to remain secret.

But Ben had lied to him. He’d made him think this time would be different, and that made it all the worse. It didn’t matter that Carlos had proven himself time and again. He was top of his class and had earned more house points for Ravenclaw than any other member of his house, including his best friend Evie. But he was still muggleborn, and that would always follow him.

“I can’t do this,” Carlos said, feeling that everything inside the room was wrong.

“Can’t do what?” Ben’s eyes filled with concern.

Carlos hated what he was about to do, but he couldn’t stand to be with someone who had lied to him, someone who would never be open about their relationship. He couldn’t live his life in the shadows. “I can’t be with you anymore. You don’t understand what it’s like for me, to have to always date in secret. To have every person I’ve ever been with be too ashamed to introduce me to anyone. All because I have ‘dirty blood.’ You’re supposed to be kind and loyal. Isn’t that what Hufflepuffs are all about? I thought things would be different with you, but they’re not. It’s all the same as it’s ever been.”

“Hey, hey.” Ben pulled him into a hug. “I’m not ashamed of you. I told you, I don’t care about all that blood supremacy crap the Slytherins are so keen on. Chad Charming, Audrey Rose, and Anthony Tremaine can preach it all they want, but I’m not like them. I promise.”

Carlos pushed Ben away. “Then why do we have to stay a secret?”

“Because…” Ben looked hesitant, like he was afraid to tell him the real reason.

“Please, Ben, don’t lie to me. You’ve done enough of that already.”

Ben straightened his shoulders, nodding. “Okay, I’ll tell you the truth, but you’re not going to like it.”

“Whatever it is, I can handle it.”

Ben smiled. “I know. You’re tough. I really like that about you. Listen, Carlos, the truth is, I already told my parents about you. Not you specifically, but that I was dating a boy who was muggleborn. They were both happy I found someone I really care about, but my father asked me to keep our relationship a secret. He wants to be the new Minister for Magic, you see. If people find out his son is dating someone muggleborn, he’ll lose the support of most of the purebloods. This is his dream, Carlos. I can’t risk ruining that for him.”

“Hogwash,” Carlos said, disgusted. “You hate your father. Ever since you got sorted into Hufflepuff instead of following your family legacy of Gryffindors, he’s treated you like crap. So the only reason I can see you supporting him is if you’re hoping to gain something once he’s the Minister for Magic.”

Ben bit his lip. “It’s for the good of the wizarding community. I want to make things equal between all classes. No more blood supremacy. No more house elves enslaved to wizards. If he becomes the Minister, I’ll have a chance of getting a high-ranking position at the Ministry once I graduate. I can make a real difference, make everyone’s lives better, and then one day it won’t matter to anyone else that you’re muggleborn. We can be open about everything then.”

“It’s a beautiful dream, Ben, but it’ll never happen,” Carlos said. “Two wizarding wars and everything is still the same. Chad and Anthony still bully me. Audrey still hexes me any chance she gets. Professor Honeymaren still tells me I’m doing well for a muggleborn, and she’s one of the nicer teachers. I actually think it’s gotten worse for muggleborns since the Second Wizarding War.”

Ben opened his mouth as if he wanted to say something, then closed it. He nodded, rubbing his hands together. “I can see this relationship would never have worked anyways. I need to be with someone who believes in me.”

“I didn’t say—”

“You’ve said enough, Carlos. I’m sorry I wasted your time.” Shoulders hunched, Ben turned around and walked out of the room.

The Christmas decorations disappeared into thin air, all the cheer gone with his departure. Carlos sank bad into the armchair, hugging his legs to his chest. He leaned his head on his knees and let himself cry.

His gaze shifted to the table where the cookies had been. Now it held a tissue box and a pint of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream. He huffed. “Seriously, you stupid room. It just had to be Ben’s favorite brand.”

The ice cream disappeared as if the room had heard him. This was going to be a miserable Christmas.

…

Ben knelt down in front of his suitcase in his dormitory. He folded his black-and-yellow knitted scarf and placed it gingerly beside his Wizard Card collection. Many of the cards had been gifts from Carlos. He had a particular talent for finding and trading cards with fellow wizards. Even Ben who was incredibly social could never navigate the world of Wizard Trading Cards at Hogwarts so well as Carlos.

He put his Alchemy textbook on top of the card collection, determined to get Carlos off his mind. They had broken up. It had been mutual. This would be better for both of them. They wouldn’t have to be paranoid about sneaking around all the time. He’d be able to focus on Quidditch more. Maybe his team could even win the Quidditch Cup this year.

“You look sad.”

Ben looked up, startled.

Gil sat on the bed across from him. He was knitting another scarf in Hufflepuff colors. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

“You don’t seem fine, man. It’s just, you’re getting to go home for the holidays when a lot of us aren’t. My parents are muggles, and they hate that I’m a wizard. They only take me back in the summer because they have to. And my brothers bully me the whole time.”

“It’s hard to imagine anyone bullying you,” Ben admitted. Gil was so strong, the best beater the Hufflepuff Quidditch team had ever seen.

“They’re bigger and stronger than me. I’ve always been the runt of the family.” Gil looked sheepish.

Ben was afraid to see what the rest of Gil’s family looked like. Maybe something like the giants he’d seen in his textbooks. “I’m sorry about your family.”

Gil shrugged. “It is what it is. You’re incredibly lucky, Ben. I’d be happy if I had a loving family to go back to, that’s all I’m saying.” He smiled shyly and looked down at his knitting.

“You’re right,” Ben said, suddenly feeling like Hogwarts’s biggest idiot. Gil had a remarkable talent for seeing the heart of the matter while Ben got caught up in the details. “Why am I going home for Christmas, when I could do so much good here?”

He’d been so caught up on getting into politics that he’d forgotten he could help the people around him. So many kids didn’t have happy homes to go back to, Carlos included. Okay, so maybe a part of him wanted to do this to win Carlos back, but mostly he wanted to practice what he preached. He would be welcoming and warm to all the students at Hogwarts, regardless of their blood status.

“Oh, I wasn’t trying to guilt you into staying. I was just trying to cheer you up.”

Ben laughed, closing his suitcase. He would unpack everything later. Right now he had plans to make. “You did that too. Don’t worry, Gil. I want to stay. I’m going to make this the best Christmas ever for all the sixth-years staying over the holidays.”

Gil dropped his knitting, beaming from ear-to-ear. “Really?”

“Absolutely. I’ll show you what a wizard Christmas is like. It’ll be, well, magical.”

Gil giggled, absolutely delighted.

Ben knew it would take a lot of work putting together everything, and he didn’t have a lot of time, but he knew just who to ask for help.

He found her in the common room helping a fourth-year, Artie Pendragon, decorate a Christmas card. They were seated at one of the round tables, art supplies piled up high on top of it.

“Hey, Jane.” He put a hand on her shoulder. “When you’re free, there’s something I wanted to talk to you about.”

“Oh, we’re almost done.” She set the glue stick aside and handed the card to Artie. “Just write your message on the inside. Make it special. I’m sure your mother will love it.” She stood up, beaming. “What is it, Ben?”

“Let’s go for a walk.”

Jane laughed. “I’d better bundle up then. I am not used to all this snow.”

Ben chuckled, pulling his gloves from his jacket pocket. “Me neither.”

Outside the air was nippy, but Ben found it to be refreshing. It felt like he was looking at Hogwarts in the snow for the first time. Usually he was in such a rush to get home for the holidays. He barely paid any attention to the snow-capped castle. It was truly breath-taking.

“Are you heading home soon?” Jane asked.

“No, I’m actually staying for Christmas this year.”

Jane perked up, her blue eyes wide. Her whole face brightened. “Oh, Ben, that’s wonderful. I’m staying too. I was going to go see my uncle again, but he cancelled at the last minute. Being the head of the Department of Magical Education keeps him busy. You know how that is.”

Ben did. His father was the head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement. He had started as an auror and risen through the ranks. Some years he was barely home for the holidays, but thankfully his mother was always there to keep him company.

“I want to host a Christmas party for all the sixth-years staying for the holidays,” Ben announced.

“Oh, really? That’s amazing, Ben, but what gave you that idea? It’s not like you to give up your holidays like that.”

“Yes, that’s exactly the problem. It should be like me. I care about all the students at Hogwarts, and during the holidays a lot of them don’t have families who accept them. Gil was telling me about his awful family. I can’t believe I’ve been so selfish all these years. I have to do something for these kids, Jane.”

Jane jumped up and down, grabbing onto Ben’s arm. “That’s perfect. I wonder why I never thought of that either. And here I was planning how I would manage to sneak all the best foods out of the kitchens so I could have a Christmas feast in my room. Talk about selfish.”

Ben laughed. “Carlos would say that is such a Hufflepuff thing to say.”

“Carlos?” Jane eyed him curiously. “I didn’t realize you guys were friends.”

Ben took a deep breath, wondering if this was the right thing to do. Carlos had wanted everyone to know about them, so telling Jane would be okay, right? “We’re not. But I’ve been spending a lot of time with him lately.” 

“You like him?” Jane guessed, smiling.

“I do. I really, really do. And I told my parents, but they don’t want me to tell anyone else.”

“Because he’s a boy? Weren’t you and Aziz a thing for a little while?”

Ben nodded. “My parents loved Aziz because he’s a pureblood and a Gryffindor. They actually tried to convince me not to break up with him when I got tired of him being so ‘on’ all the time, you know?”

“Oh, and Carlos is muggleborn. I forgot about that. But Gil’s muggleborn too, and your parents don’t care that you’re friends with him.”

“But they would care if I was dating him. My dad wants to be the Minister for Magic. He needs the support of the purebloods to get elected.”

Jane sighed, shaking her head. “Blood politics are ridiculous, you know that? You shouldn’t care about how your dating life will affect your father. It’s your life. Live it. If you like Carlos, then you should go for him. He’s staying for the holidays, right? I’m sure we could arrange a romantic moment alone for the two of you so you could confess your feelings for him. Awww, Ben, you could get together on Christmas.”

“Don’t get carried away. I would love to date him, but I’d have to keep it a secret.”

“That is literally the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard, and I’m dating Gil.” She cracked a smile.

“Wait, you are?”

“Yeah. It’s not like we’ve been trying to hide it. I don’t care that his parents are muggles, and he doesn’t care that I come from a long, long line of purebloods. It really doesn’t have to be as complicated as you’re making it out to be.”

“I know, I know. But you’re not me. Everyone expects so much from me. I’m a Florian. Our family name means something around here. I can’t let my father down.”

Jane put her hand on his arm. “But you’re letting yourself down. Doing good things for other people is certainly nice, but you need to do things for yourself too. You can’t live your life entirely for other people. What do you want, Ben?”

He wasn’t sure if he’d ever been asked that before, but the answer was clear to him. “I want to be with Carlos.”

…

Carlos was studying with Evie, Jay, and Mal in the library. Well, Carlos and Evie were studying. Jay and Mal were goofing off as usual. The two Gryffindors had never cared much for getting good grades.

They had all finished their exams, anyways. Carlos was just studying to get his mind off Ben, and Evie rarely left a book for more than a few minutes at a time. Unless of course she was spending time alone with her girlfriend Mal. Right now Mal was leaning against her, fiddling with a new toy she’d picked up at the joke shop.

“Where are we going to celebrate Christmas this year?” Carlos asked offhandedly. “The Room of Requirement again?”

“Actually, Ben has already booked the Room of Requirement,” Jay said, tossing a sugar quill at Mal, who caught it in her teeth. She broke the quill in half and offered a portion to Evie, who took it with a gleeful smile and kissed Mal on the cheek.

“Are you serious?” Carlos asked. “But I thought he was going home for the break.”

Jay shrugged. “I guess he changed his mind. Gil said he’s planning a big party for the sixth-years.”

Evie perked up, chewing on her sugar quill. “Oh, we should go to that then. It’s a lot of work to organize our own party every year.” She gave Carlos a look. Every year the two of them ended up doing all the work.

Carlos wasn’t really sure how to feel about all this. Ben was staying for the holidays and hadn’t told him. Had he known when they met in the Room of Requirement yesterday?

“I don’t know,” Carlos said. “It’ll probably be a bunch of purebloods. Doesn’t sound like much fun.”

Evie shot him an annoyed glare. She clearly did not want to waste time with decorations this year.

“Most of the purebloods have gone home for the holidays,” Mal said, examining her nails. “I think the only purebloods there will be Ben and Jane. Maybe Ally and Jordan. All good people.”

“But we don’t know any of them very well,” Carlos argued.

Jay laughed, chewing on the end of his sugar quill. “Speak for yourself, I’ve flirted with Jane, Ally, and Jordan. Probably all the girls in our year.”

“Even Mal?” Evie asked, raising an eyebrow.

Jay shrugged his shoulders. “You guys weren’t dating yet, and she shot me down so fast.”

Mal laughed, reaching for her girlfriend’s hand. “You have nothing to worry about, Evie.” They shared a quick kiss, and Evie relaxed against her, lowering her book into her lap.

“I’m wondering who I should try to kiss under the mistletoe this year,” Jay said. “Maybe Jane?”

“No, she’s dating Gil LeGume,” Mal said. “Aren’t you guys friends? Don’t want to mess with the bro code.” She chuckled darkly.

“Maybe I’ll kiss Carlos then.” He waggled his eyebrows at him.

Carlos rolled his eyes. “Not a chance.” Jay was just joking about kissing him, and even if he wasn’t, Carlos was too hung up on Ben to think about kissing anyone else.

“I guess I’ll just have to see who’s at the party. If all else fails, I can always snag a kiss from Ben Florian.”

Carlos clutched his book tightly, fighting hard not to react. It was okay if Jay kissed Ben. It wasn’t like he owned Ben or anything. But the thought of the two of them together in public, with Ben not ashamed to be seen with Jay. It brought him a special kind of hurt.

“As if Ben would kiss you,” Mal said with a laugh.

Carlos jumped. For a moment it felt like the words were directed at him, but she was smiling at Jay. Of course.

“Anyways, I think Evie and I have a much better shot with him.” Mal smiled wickedly. “The more the merrier on Christmas, right?”

Carlos picked up his books. “I just remembered I’m supposed to meet Doug to work on a project.”

“A’ight. See you later.” Jay saluted him.

No one even questioned that he was working on a project on the first day of winter break. Maybe it was because they assumed he was studious enough that he would start on it an entire month early, or maybe they just didn’t care that much about him. Either way, he could sense he was going to have a lonely Christmas this year.

[swiftsuburbanlegends]

Am I Ready For Love, or Maybe Just a Best Friend?

Owen Queen has understood love his whole life. But that doesn’t mean he can’t get it wrong a time or two.

This is for @mickeysjones​ because we added in another next gen person and of course she’s connected to my favorite boy.... 

If you asked Owen if there was a moment in his six years of life where he wished it could erase the whole day, today would be that day. He would rather take three math tests in a row, then be lying in his bed. Especially when his entire family, immediate and extended, were down stairs having food and fun. 

“Knock knock,” his dad stood at the door holding a small pint of ice cream. “I brought you something to eat.”

He glared at the food, then at Oliver. “I’d rather have laptkes.”

“Latkes,” he corrected with a grin. “And maybe in a couple of days. You just had your tonsils out this morning, let’s stick with softer stuff.”

“It won’t be Haunnkah in a couple of days,” he grumbled, folding his arms as he turned away.

“I know buddy.” Oliver moved into the room, taking a seat on the edge of Owen’s bed. “Everyone misses you too. But we want you to feel better. That’s more important.”

“Whatever.”

He holds up the ice cream again, waving the spoon in front of Owen’s face. “It’s double chocolate.”

He took the pint, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t still upset.

“Want me to bring you up anything else?”

Footsteps came bounding up the stairs. Owen and Oliver turned towards the door as Sara Diggle popped her head in. 

“Uncle Ollie, Daddy told me to come and get you for a kitchen emergency.”

“What kind of emergency?”

“Aunt Licity and Donna are trying to cook more food.”

Owen watched as a mild panic crossed his dad’s face. “I will come back and check on you later. I have to go keep your mom and grandma from burning a hole in my kitchen.”

Oliver slipped past Sara and down the hall. He assumed she’d follow his dad back to the party, but she hovered at the door.

“Everyone wishes you were downstairs,” she said, pushing herself further in. “Miriam looks miserable. But Ada and Mia keep trying to distract her.”

“Thanks,” he took the lid off his ice cream and dug his spoon in. 

“You don’t look so happy for someone who gets to eat ice cream for dinner.”

“I’d rather have dinner with everyone else,” he grumbled through a bite. 

She nodded, then pulled something in from the hall. It was wrapped in blue and silver paper, about half the size of her as she struggled to maneuver it through the doorway. He could see his name written in big bold letters. “Which is why I thought I’d bring you your present. To cheer you up a little.”

Owen smiled as she came over to his bed, setting the box across his lap. He eyed the gift and then Sara. “It’s not Christmas.”

“No,” she agreed with a grin. “But it is the last night of Hanukkah. Besides we leave for the grandparents in the morning. So it’s the last time we’ll be home until New Years.”

Owen placed his ice cream on his bedside table then pulled the package closer. “You sure it’s okay to open it?”

She rolled her eyes. “Who cares. What are they gonna do get mad at you when you just had  organs taken out of your head?”

She had a point. And Owen was really curious to see what was under that wrapping paper.

He ripped at the paper, Sara egging him on the whole time. Once he got the paper off, he lifted the lid from the box.

There, sitting with tissue paper stuffed around it, was a small blue guitar. 

“You got this for me?”

“Technically Connor and JJ helped too. Mostly with the money. Mom said I had to say that,” she admitted with a grin. “But I picked it out. I also wrapped it. So remember that when you start learning how to write songs on that thing.”

Owen let his fingers glide across the neck of the guitar. He didn’t think anyone had ever given him such a nice present before. In the shine of its surface, he could see Sara’s reflection. The way she smiled at him, how happy giving him this guitar made her, it lit up her whole face. And he felt the smile grow on his as well. 

He didn’t put the words to that feeling until a few years later, but that’s the moment he was sure he knew he loved Sara Diggle. And once he did realize it, he didn’t think he’d ever feel differently.

---

Owen leaned against the porch railing, hearing the sounds of family and laughter coming from inside. But he stayed outside trying to find the courage to go talk to Cami.

Why had he done it? Why did he even put that vibe out into the world? Things had been good, no they had been great between them. But Owen had to open his mouth and ruin everything. Now he was more confused than ever.

“Hey.” He turned towards the front door, Cami standing there in a dark red dress. He had invited her so they could hear his and Miriam’s new song. But… “You’re family’s wondering where you went? Is everything okay?”

It wasn’t. Despite how much he wanted things to be. But he messed everything up. And now all he could hear with his own words on a constant loop in his head. 

“Not really,” he managed with a sigh. 

He wished he could rewind the week. Back to before Diggle’s had come to dinner on Monday. Before he knew that Sara and Adam were officially a thing. 

She told him that night up in his room how much she loved Adam. How she could see herself marrying him one day. 

Then the next thing Owen knew he was telling Cami he loved her. And from the moment those words came out of his mouth, everything had changed. 

It’s not that he didn’t love her. He was pretty sure he did. But it had always been as a friend. Saying those words had messed everything up.

“Can we talk?” he asked, motioning to the swing off to the side.

Cami followed him, taking a deep breath as she sat. “Depends. Can I go first?”

He wanted to try and rip it off like a bandaid. But she threw him off to the point where all he could say in response was. “Uh yeah I guess. Sure.”

Cami looked almost as nervous as he felt as they sat there in the quiet. “Look Owen about the other night…”

“That’s kinda what I wanted to talk about too.”

The turned a little finally meeting each other’s eyes. Cami looked sad. “I’m sorry.”

“Sorry?”

“When you came over, and we talked, you said you love me,” she paused biting at her lip. “And I said I love you too.”

“I remember,” Owen hadn’t thought of anything else in days.

“When I said that. I think I just got caught up in the moment.” She shook her head. “I love you, Owen. But I think it’s just--”

“As a friend?” he finished in relief.

She looked at him and smiled. “You too then?”

“I’m sorry Cami,” he threw his head back and laughed. “I honestly thought I meant it when I said it. I wouldn’t have tried to lead you on or anything.”

“Owen, come on. I would never think that,” she reached over and took his hand in hers. “We’ve been dating for a few months. It’s normal to want to reach that next thing.”

“So you don’t hate me?”

“Never.” 

The nerves he felt lessened as they sat with each other. “I’m glad we’re friends.”

“Me too.”

“Should we go in, and listen to the new song now?”

“I would love too.”

He rolled his eyes and they laughed together, just sitting and enjoying being each other’s friend. Maybe she wasn’t the love of his life, maybe his first real girlfriend had always just been a friend. But he was glad they had tried. For whatever it's worth, he would always be glad they had.

---

Another party, another time sitting on the outskirts of it. He laughed at the irony. Especially since the party he was currently missing was for himself. 

“Owen?” he turned to the voice as she came up the barely lit parking lot. “What are you doing out here?”

Sara looked nice in a vibrant purple dress, her hair pinned back as she walked towards the front of the club.

“Lorena’s running late,” he replied as he stood. “I wanted to meet her out here, considering how my mom usually is.”

“Not easy when you got a parent against your relationship huh?”

“Nope,” he shook with a soft laugh.

They were kind of in the same boat he guessed. With Adam being the grandson of supervillain, Damien Darhk, and Lorena being the princess of the Bertinelli crime family. But neither of them were anything like their families. Not where it mattered most.

“Felicity will come around,” Sara said as she leaned in for a quick hug. “She knows how much you care about Lorena.”

“I think knowing it and believing it are vastly different.” 

Something in the night air shifted as Sara looked on. She watched him, almost like recalling something from years past. Then she smiled with a nod. “You love her.”

It wasn’t a question. Just a pure and simple fact that Owen hadn’t told a soul yet. Not even Lorena. But he didn’t want to deny it.

“I do,” he said, not being able to hide his grin. “I’m crazy, stupidly in love with her.”

“I’m glad to hear it,” Sara said. 

He looked at her then, saw the way her head dipped when she said it. “You knew didn’t you? How I felt.”

He didn’t elaborate, didn’t want to put it out there in case he had been wrong. But like always, Sara knew exactly what he meant. “Not the whole time. I kinda thought maybe it went away when you and Cami started seeing each other.”

“It didn’t.”

“Is that why you two didn’t work? Because of me?”

“We were always better as friends. Just like you and me.” he slid next to her nudging her shoulder.  “I wanted to say thank you thank you though.”

“What did I do?”

“I believed in love because of you,” he replied as he let his shoulders shrug. “I believed it could happen because of how I loved you. But now I know what love is like. What it feels like to be so in love with someone you can’t imagine your life without them.”

She looked happy for him. “Are you gonna tell her?”

“I am,” Owen said as another set of footsteps crossed the asphalt.

Sara looked over, and he followed her line of sight. 

She looked stunning, in a deep blue dress, with black accents. And Owen felt his heart stammer as he watched her walk closer to them.

“I’ll leave you two alone,” Sara said, then winked at him. “Happy birthday Owen.”

“Thanks,” he mouthed, then focused his attention solely on Lorena. “Hey you.”

“Sorry I’m late,” she said wrapping her arms around his neck. “Work was a nightmare.”

“It’s okay,” he pulled her close with a quick kiss. “You didn’t miss much.”

“Having a good birthday?” she asked, and he knew without her having to say words they were both thinking back to when they met. Two years ago almost to the moment. God, how could his life shift so completely in that time? He felt more at peace, more himself than he could have ever imagined back then. And he owed a part of that to her, to what she inspired in him.

“It’s better now that you’re here,” he admitted. “Miriam wants us to sing.”

“I’m so glad I didn’t miss that.”

“I love you,” he whispered. Because he had wanted to tell her for weeks, months even. And he couldn’t think of a single reason to wait another second.

Lorena smiled, leaning in to kiss him softly. 

He had felt love three times in his life, outside of his family, three very different, very profound times. Maybe each one had been a building block for the next. Maybe it had meant to lead him right there to that exact moment. If Lorena didn’t feel the same it would be okay. Because he tried. And all he could hope for was to try.

When she pulled back, he could feel the sigh sudder out of her. And he knew even before she spoke, what she was about to say. But he still grinned like an idiot as she said. “I love you too.”

[thesquidgame]

Every Day

*WARNING: Spoilers Ahead*

This may be one of the most beautiful movies I have ever seen. All the actors are amazing, the plot is on point, and it is executed so well it’s amazing. I highly recommend anyone and everyone to see it, except for one thing...

The ending. The ending for this movie will make you cry, it made me cry so hard I just had to turn off my tv and sob on my couch for 15 minutes. This is where the spoiling starts, so be prepared.

The movie ended a lot like La La Land. But 10 times worse. Neither of the characters got what they really wanted, which was each other. A and Rhiannon (the two main characters of the movie) decided to leave each other, because they just “couldn’t work”.

I would understand if they lost interest in each other, but that wasn’t it. In fact they were desperately in love. They realized that later in life their relationship wouldn’t work, because A would wake up in someone else’s body who might be married, or have kids. They realized that they could never get married, or have kids. And they could never introduce A to Rhi’s family.

The end shot features Rhi walking down a hallway with Alexander, a character who A stayed in the body of for a couple of days. Alexander is agreat dude, and I have  no doubt that him and Rhi will be happy together, but not as happy as A and Rhi were.

That wasn’t as unsettling as A’s ending though. A ended up completely and totally alone. A’s last shot was her in a character named Katie’s body driving away to New York City to start fresh. The sad thing is that you know that A will probably never be happy again, because A will be thinking about Rhi for the rest of their life and will not be able to be in a relationship ever again. A is just going to live out the rest of their life as different people, which will be an incredibly lonely existence.

Probably the most painful part of the entire movie was the last shot, which was an instagram post from A’s account of a pair of sparklers (like the movie poster) in Central Park in New York CIty. Before A left earlier in the movie Rhi asked A to leave traces, to help her remember her love for A. If this image wasn’t sad enough already the viewers got another stab to the chest. The heart where you like things was clicked, implying that Rhi saw it, and that she’s still in love with A.

I highly suggest this movie to everyone, but beware. I would have a pint of ice cream and a box of tissues ready for when you reach the end of the movie.

[dear-mrs-otome]

The Curious Case of Kansuke’s Crush

Alright, friends, gather around. Find yourself a pillow to squeeze and some tissues and maybe a pint of ice cream because today I'm laying out for you the facts of 'Yamamoto Kansuke: Hopelessly in Love with Sarutobi Sasuke's Woman'. Needless to say this post will be chock full of screencaps and spoilers for Sasuke's route, so please proceed with caution!

Here's what we know about Kansuke: 

His real name actually Haruyuki. (And yes it shares kanji with Harunobu, thanks JP app events but that's neither here nor there yet) He refers to himself as 引きこもり - hikikomori or outcast/recluse, and it's a running joke that no one ever notices him. He's one of Shingen's most trusted men, someone who has been close to him forever - a brilliant ninja and an apothecary. He's most likely the only normal person in Kai. He probably needs more than a few a stiff drinks. He definitely needs a lay. And he's the most taciturn motherfucker you will ever encounter in this game.

Until Sasuke's MC comes along, that is.

When we begin Sasuke's route, he asks his MC to help Kansuke out with making medicine for the Takeda. Kansuke agrees to take her under his wing, and MC thinks to herself what an unreadable man she's been thrown in with. But time progresses and they clearly work well together, spending many hours and days in Kansuke's workspace, until there is a local disaster in the form of a landslide that sees them out in the field helping tend to the injured and destitute.

MC helps out an elderly woman, has a few personal revelations while using her skills for good instead of harm, and finishes up to find Kansuke watching her act of philanthropy:

With. The smile. 

Even MC notices that he looks hella different.

Not long after this, Kansuke and MC are back at work again. New day, same shit, but MC has a better grasp on him now. She’s learning to speak Kansukese and understands that the tiniest shifts of expression mean huge things for him.

Only this time their quality time together is disrupted by the hooting and hollering of Shigen's rowdy retainers. MC stops what she's doing to find Kansuke looking downright pissed off at the interruption.

Upset that his alone time with her has been intruded upon? Perhaps...perhaps. Especially given that he knows when she steps out to see what the hell is going on, she's going to be greeted with a double-barreled shotgun blast of Sasuke & Shingen man-tiddie, given that they're all outside wrassling. (It's also entirely possible he's just upset at Shingen for exerting himself, as he comes out to scold him moments later, but shhhhhh my shipper heart cannot hear you over the sound of self-induced squeals.)

Later, when Shingen plans to ride to battle despite Sasuke's protests, everyone other than Kansuke is dumbfounded when MC offers to accompany Shingen as his personal healer. The only person who seems matter-of-factly impressed by her bravery is Kansuke.

And later, when Shingen falls ill and Kansuke rushes in, he goes from panic to immediately mollified by MC's assertion she's done all she can. He trusts her.

After she spends many long nights working tirelessly to formulate improved medicine for Shingen, Kansuke is grateful - but that doesn't stop him from worrying over her either.

She reassures him she's fine, but he still fusses.

(Please note that the smile is back - he’s practically beaming with relief that it’s something as simple as exhaustion getting her down)

Until finally...he thanks her for her hard work, and even MC is a bit overwhelmed by the soft perfection of his gratitude.

(Strange choice of adjectives aside (creamy? really? we couldn’t have gone with rich, or smooth, or anything else?) I see you there trying to seduce MC with the delectable tones, Kansuke)

And then, this big ol’ ball of ~feels~ finally picks up some momentum, because we get the revelation that there's a distinct possibility the Takeda are doomed with Shingen out of commission. Sasuke and Kansuke both confirm that as Shingen's ninja, they are ready and willing and prepared to die. They expect it, frankly.

Later, much later, after Sasuke's gone off to play the Big Damn Hero and die like a noble idiot, MC gets herself into a whole heap of trouble and who comes when she calls for help? 

Hint: it's not Sasuke pulling her bacon out of the fire, even if their names rhyme.

And then Kansuke asks...

MC replies yes, and we're treated to nothing but utter silence from Kansuke for multiple slides, even after she yells at him to tell her where Sasuke is, and it seems difficult not to wonder...

Was he hoping she would say she was there for him?

(If you listen carefully I think you can hear the sound of his silent little heart breaking.)

He leads her to the battle and when she tries to dash off after Sasuke, across a war zone full of guns and soldiers and blood and death - this is where the knife twists. This is where the conjecture and circumstance and wonderings of the entire route crystallize into something tangible, because we get this when MC announces she’s going:

And despite his clear concern, despite the fear that's prompted the stand-offish, self-described-hikikomori to literally grab ahold of MC, she insists she has to try to reach Sasuke. And he insists, just as forcefully, that he can't let her do that.  Note please the scowl and the fact that he's still holding on to her.

Finally she breaks away, and we're treated to the equivalent of the stone-faced, saturnine, soft-spoken Kansuke losing his goddamned mind. He screams after her in a full-blown frenzy as she dives into the fray,  and Voltage makes sure to pan out on his sprite so we know exaaaaactly how loud he's being.

And when she's gravely injured, there's not a moment of hesitation when Sasuke asks Kansuke to take care of her.

(Note again the umpteenth time our expressionless ninja has given us something other than the blank face in this route, where she is concerned.)

Only to have her wake up, after he's sweated and strove and bled to save her life...and the first thing she says is most certainly not his name.

So long heart, we hardly knew thee.

So to recap:

Area ninja who is painfully isolated and awkward around people (perhaps by choice, perhaps by nature) is suddenly shoved into spending large amounts of time with a female ninja who understands more about his way of life and the effects it has had on him than the average woman would. He develops feelings for her but cares more about his friend than himself and therefore keeps everything squashed into a teeny tiny box of feels until her impending possible death busts that shit wide open. 

Do I think this is the only way to interpret these scenes? No. It can just as easily be argued that he's simply worried about her because she is important to Sasuke, his friend, and therefore important to him. 

Do I prefer to think that Voltage went out of their way to emphasize the degree of his emotional reactions to the reader as a nudge-nudge wink-wink allusion to an unvoiced love triange? Yes, yes I do.

Will I be writing Kansuke angst/love triangles to make myself feel better about the amount of time I spent on this? Probably.

[svtgivesmesvts]

A “Wipe Away Your Tears” kind of love

Seungcheol x Reader

Word count: 1166

Warnings: 

HUGE SPOILERS FOR AVENGERS: INFINITY WAR (seriously do not read if you haven’t seen it yet)

Massive amounts of yelling hopelessly at a TV screen (but if you’ve seen Inifinify War, will definitely understand.)

(A/N: This is a one shot inspired by this post I saw a couple of months ago and I’ve always wanted to do a series for this post! I just wrote this all in one go because I was kind of inspired by my own experiences. Honestly, this was probably an outcome of my own emotional scars from IW, so I’m not sure how much it is a Seungcheol one shot rather than an Infinity War reaction post, but I hope you guys enjoy it!)

You bounced slightly on the couch while you waited for Seungcheol to bring the popcorn so you could finally start the movie.

You were a big fan of Marvel but hadn’t gotten a chance to see Infinity War yet, due to school and work getting in the way, but after a solid four months of dodging spoilers - which by the way, is so much harder than you thought it’d be! As if avoiding social media the first month after release wasn’t bad enough, you accidentally saw a potential spoiler on a completed unrelated YouTube video!!! But you don’t know what it means and are too afraid to find out, so you immediately put it out of your head, like Spider-Man probably just got hurt and that’s why he doesn’t feel good, right? But anyways, you were beyond excited to see the newest Marvel movie.

Seungcheol sits down with a huge bowl of popcorn and two cans of cola, “Are you ready?” He asks, as he sits down.

He’s known you for a while now and is fairly certain that the box of tissues and small trash can he’s hidden next to the couch on his side will come in handy, but he promised you he wouldn’t say anything so he just has to keep his mouth shut for two hours.

You nod with determination, “I’m ready! Now remember that you promised just to sit here okay? You’re emotional support because I really think Cap is going to die, like I can just feel it and I think I’m probably going to cry so you just need to be here okay??”

He smiles and nods at you, “Of course, of course” he says as he presses play on the remote, thinking about the ice cream he has in the freezer to console you once the movie is over.

You smile as the familiar Marvel intro plays and you see all the characters you’ve grown to love flit across the screen.

But then, all hell breaks loose at the first scene, and you’re suddenly in tears because Thanos just killed Loki??? Like crushed his windpipe??? And you weren’t ready for this, like Marvel wasn’t playing this time - they just got right into it??

“Coups I don’t think he’s coming back”, you sniffle and reach for the tissue he hands you. “He might, he’s done this ‘dying’ thing before” he says, as he places a comforting arm around you.

You shake your head vehemently, “No, but his windpipe is crushed! Like look at him! He is dead!!”

“It’ll be okay,” he soothes you, as you sniffle into the next scene. “Look it’s Tony and Pepper!”

However, as the movie progresses, you get more and more anxious as the stones are taken by Thanos.

“SHOOT HER STARLORD, YOU PROMISED, OH MY GO-oh my god, bubbles.”

“GAMORA GIRL, YOU BETTER RUN, oh my goD RUN!!! HE LOVES YOU, DON’T LAUGH, JUST RUN!”

“I don’t think they’re gonna come out of this”, you say fretfully as you watch Dr. Strange give Thanos the Time stone to save Tony’s life, even though he promised he wouldn’t.

“It’ll all come together” Seungcheol says as he watches almost gleefully at your reactions.

As you sit through the battle at Wakanda’s barriers, getting fearful for your favorite characters’ lives, you grab Seungcheol’s arm for physical comfort through these dark times.

And then...

“WANDA KILL HIM, KILL HIM! OH MY GOD, I KNOW YOU LOVE HIM BUT JU-oh my god she killed him, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD! Thanos jus- he just.”

You’re in tears as you turn to Seungcheol in disbelief, catching his amused smile. You shove him as you say “Shut up, this isn’t funny, why aren’t you distressed??”

“I’ve already watched it before, it’s really funny watching someone else go through it!” he laughs as you half sob/half laugh with him.

You turn back to the TV, just in time to see Thanos snap his fingers.

And then, all hell breaks loose. Again.

You slide to the ground and kneel at the coffee table as you watch the characters you love, slowly turn to dust.

Tears stream down your face as you sit there, shocked into silence as you watch what feels like everyone just die.

You watch as Bucky fades away, reaching out to Steve.

You watch as Spider-Man tells Tony the now infamous line, and a sob escapes your lips.

Meanwhile, Seungcheol is still on the couch, now mildly concerned at how you haven’t said anything but unwilling to spoil the mood by voicing his concerns.

As the movie ends with Thanos smiling, you suddenly turn to him and stare.

He stares back, and reaches his arms towards you for a hug when-

“EVERYONE JUST DIED” you wail, tears still flowing, seeming like they’d never end.

He slides to the floor with you as he brings the box of tissues. “It’s going to be okay” he tells you, handing you tissues as he tries not to laugh.

You refuse the tissues as you continue to wail, “THEY JUST ALL DIED! POOF! No one got a chance to say good bye!” You sob harder as the tears begin to soak your shirt, at which point Seungcheol begins to gently wipe at your face. 

He brings a new tissue to your nose, “Blow” he says and you obey, blubbering pathetically about how Rhodey was looking for Sam and he just disappeared.

You continue like this until the iconic Marvel after credits scene appears and you watch the destruction occur as HALF THE FUCKING PEOPLE IN THE WORLD DISAPPEAR. You sniffle as you watch Fury press the pager and ponder over what it means.

Tears are still running down your face as you turn to him “What does that mean?” He shakes his head, “We can discuss theories later.”

“Okay,” you nod, but then you scowl at him “You knew!” you groan as you push at him, “You knew everyone was dying and didn’t tell me. You let me worry about Captain America!” He draws you into his chest and hugs you as he chuckles, “You made me promise not to tell you! Made me swear on our friendship!”

You hiccup, “You never listen to me anyways, this of all things to finally listen to.”

He uses a tissue to gently wipe the remaining tears escaping from your eyes.

“Are you ready for ice cream now?” He almost laughs again as your eyes light up. “You have ice cream?” You say, spirits slightly lifting.

“Of course, you think I was going to let you go through that without preparing?” He says as he gets up, and reaches a hand down to help you up too.

“You’re the best,” you say as you give him a hug. “You suck because you didn’t warn me, but I still love you.”

He chuckles and makes his way into the kitchen.

“And because I love you, I got you a gallon instead of a pint.”

(A/N: Well, I hope you guys liked it! I saw IW a couple of months ago at this point, so details were a little hazy, but I think most things are correct. Let me know if you liked it!)

[vvigilantes]

Sick Day

Pairing: Agent Tequila x Reader Words: 1,577 Summary: When his girlfriend gets sick, it’s up to Tequila to save the day. Warnings: It’s a thousand plus words of pure fluff and I’m sorry. A/N: This is entirely a product of being hopped up on cold medicine and wishing I had a Tequila of my own to take care of me. 

You wouldn’t say you were vain- you only took into consideration what other people may think of you, what kind of impression you would make. You liked looking good. You were always primped and polished, makeup on point and almost never a hair out of place. If there ever was, there was a good chance it would look like it was meant to be that way. 

After all, urban legends said that the absinthe of old was hallucinogenic. You only wanted to live up to the hype of your namesake

And at the very foundation of all of this was your strict skincare regimen. It was a ten step process, most products carefully chosen based on your skin’s needs that day. You kept your hoard underneath your sink, baskets full of toners and creams and what have you for easy access.  

While you could miss a workout without guilt -your job was a workout in and of itself most days anyway- you refused to miss even a step of your skincare routine. Even on days like today, when you were sick as a dog and all you wanted was to be able to breathe out of your nose.

You dialed your boss and relayed the news, cringing when he tried to make a joke about how sick you must really be to stay home. You loved your job; you hated calling out, but you knew it would be a miracle for you to get to HQ, let alone do something once you got there.

With that taken care of you hauled yourself out of your bed, shuffling towards your bathroom.

You were perfectly content to cocoon yourself in blankets all day long and not see a single soul, but you weren’t that lucky. When you stumbled, hacking of course, out of the bathroom an hour later after a scalding shower and your morning routine, you saw you had a message.

You groaned to yourself, knowing your absence was bound to be noticed sooner or later. You were ready to fend off well wishes and offers of assistance when you saw who it was from. One of your closest friends and boyfriend for all of four months, Tequila. Your heart gave a little stubborn flutter in your chest at the thought of him checking up on you, as much as you tried to ignore it.

I heard you called out. Need anything?

Now, Tequila was no fool. While he wanted nothing more than to show up at your door, completely unannounced with arms full of Kleenex and cheesy movies, he knew you would probably shut the door in his face on principle. You only invited people in when your apartment, and yourself for that matter, were up to snuff.

You chewed on your bottom lip, debating your options. You knew looked like a hot mess, but you were out of cold medication and were in no shape to run to the store.

You sighed as you began to type, hardly believing you were doing this but you were desperate.

I'm out of DayQuil and if you could find some lemon ginseng tea, I'll be eternally grateful.

With that you threw the phone onto a nearby chair and set about the arduous task of changing your bedding. You hated the thought of going back to bed and laying in sick sheets.

The doorbell rang all too soon for your liking. You shuffled to the door in your favorite pair of fuzzy socks and an old fleece robe; no satin or silk for you when you were almost certain to get snot all over it.

You opened the door with narrowed eyes, taking in the form of your boyfriend, bags hanging off both of his arms and a charming smile firmly in place.

Tequila took in your appearance; red nose, puffy eyes, a serious case of bedhead and bundled up in an old robe and his heart did a funny thing in his chest. True, the two of you had been dating for a respectable amount of time now and you let him in more than most people, but you were stuck in your ways. He knew how much you prided yourself on your appearance, and the fact that you were letting him see you when you were like this did something to him.

“You look like hell, sunshine.” You narrowed your eyes at him some more, but still you stepped aside to let him through.

“Gee, thanks.” The bite in your voice was significantly dulled by how thick your voice was.  Tequila only chuckled and made his way to your kitchen as you trailed slowly after him, watching him with a kind of suspicious curiosity as he started pulling things out of the bags.

You expected some of it, despite being surprised at the extent; the two kinds of cold medications because he “didn’t know which would be the best,” a handful of tea boxes, two of which being the flavor you asked for and another three that he thought might be of some help, some cough drops, and an impressive box of tissues.

The things you didn’t expect were the packages of your favorite snack food, a pint of ice cream for each of you, and the bag of butterscotch candies- one of your all time favorite sweets.

“Not to sound ungrateful but, um, what’s all this?” You gestured to everything as you filled a mug with water and stuck it in the microwave for tea.

Tequila shrugged, hands in his pockets as he watched you open the box of lemon ginseng. “Wanted to make sure you had everything you might need.” You melted just a bit at his answer, pressing your lips together to keep from smiling as you reached for the nearest box of cold medication.

“You’re sweet, you know that?” You said as nonchalantly as you could, the smile breaking free when the microwave dinged and without missing a beat Tequila grabbed the mug and dropped two teabags into it. He handed it to you after giving it a stir to help wash down the pills.

“I know,” He said cockily, grin widening when you snorted weakly in response, sipping on your tea.

You expected him to say something about needing to get back to work and make a hasty retreat right around now; instead he just leaned against your counter and watched you closely, an odd expression on his face.

“Shouldn’t you be getting back?” You ventured, shifting uncertainly.

He shook his head. “Nope; I got the day off.” You almost choked on your tea.

“What? Oh no, you didn’t have to do that. Get back to work, I’m sure Champ can find something for you to do.” You tried to usher him out then, insisting that you would be completely fine without him.

“Shh,” He soothed, turning you around and gently grasping your shoulders to steer you towards your bedroom. “Just let me take care of my girl, alright?” Your heart did the damned flutter thing again and before you knew it you were in your room.

“Go on, get comfy.” He gestured to the bed before heading back out, returning shortly with the tissue box and snacks. You glanced over at him as you fluffed up some pillows against the headboard, watching as he toed off his boats and laid his jacket across a chair.

You scooted over to make space for the large agent, not missing how wide he smiled when you did so. He settled against the pillows and looked over at you, holding out his hand expectantly. “Laptop.”

You frowned in confusion, opening your mouth to ask why but thought better of it when you saw the look on his face. He wasn’t going to tell you until you did as he asked. You huffed and reached over to grab the device from your nightstand, thankful that you spent a good chunk of time last night screwing around online instead of leaving it at your desk like usual when you turned in. You didn’t feel like getting back up any time soon.

You handed it over with a huff, a bright smile coming to Tequila’s face as you did so. He patted his shoulder while he booted it up, waiting for you to cuddle up to him.

“You’re gonna get sick, you know that right?” You grumbled, though didn’t hesitate in curling into his side, a tiny sigh escaping when he wrapped an arm around you and balanced the laptop in front of you both, beginning to type a moment later.

“I’m not gonna get sick, stop worryin’.” He gave you a little squeeze. “Just relax, okay?”

You nodded against his shoulder, watching as he pulled up some movie streaming site. “And now comes the most important part of the healing process: bad movies.” He announced, making you chuckle into his shoulder despite yourself.

Tequila grinned down at you, almost wanting to pinch himself at the sight. He had tried not to get his hopes up on his way over, knowing you might try to throw him out once you had the supplies you needed. He wouldn’t blame you of course; one of the things you valued most was your independence. You didn’t like it when people tried to take care of you when you felt you could do it yourself, but here you were. Sniffling but still snuggled into his side.

“Ever seen Attack of the Killer Tomatoes?”

[sammydee27]

Although the first thought that comes to my mind when I think of the word ritual is a nefarious Voodoo ritual involving a dead chicken and someone’s hair, rituals themselves are not as sinister as you may think. Serge Kahili King describes a ritual as, “a well-defined sequence of words and actions designed to focus attention, establish significance, and achieve a beneficial result.*” For instance, we celebrate the beginning of life with baby showers, we celebrate life being lived with birthdays and the end of life with funerals. All these are modern day rituals. King goes on to explain that in order for a ritual to be fully effective, rituals must encompass four requirements:

1.It must be intellectually satisfying. 2. It must be emotionally satisfying. 3. It must have a strong beginning. 4. It must have a strong ending.

To be fully effective intellectually, every word and movement must be full of meaning that all participants and observers understand, otherwise the ritual can end up being confusing and uninteresting.

Although we have common rituals used in every day in modern society, I believe that we can also make our own rituals to help us move from one phase of our life to another.  For example, when someone goes through a break up, you might buy yourself a pint of “Ben and Jerry’s” ice cream, boxes and boxes of tissues and watch sappy romantic movies. You might even burn (or delete) all of the pictures  you have of your now ex. So what if we were to do a ritual for saying goodbye to our addict ways and welcoming in the new sober you with a ritual of our very own?

It seems that most addicts do not celebrate their sobriety in fear that they may relapse again. And although groups like AA and NA have milestone chips to celebrate lengths of sobriety, I want to concentrate on having a ritual that celebrates letting go of your old self. You may pick up a drink day after the ritual, but that is not the point I want to make. I want this ritual to be used when you feel as though you are ready to shed your old skin. It won’t change who you are, no. You’ll always be you. But it may help shine a light to a side of yourself that you have forgotten about. The part of you that is buried underneath the bottles of alcohol you have consumed over the years. The side of you that’s voice has become silenced. Let us give that part of you their voice again.

Ok! So you are ready to start the process of welcoming your sobriety into your life, what is next? Well, in this blog, I want to write down some ideas that I think may be beneficial and then you in turn can come up with your own personal ritual.

#1. Take a piece of paper and write down everything that you despise about yourself. I know, I know, this is completely opposite of the self-affirmation list we had a couple days ago, but I think clearing our heads of all the things we feel we despise will help us understand where all of this resentment comes from. Are the items listed on your paper reasons why you drink or are they caused by your drinking? Make it as detailed as possible. Put down all your hate and anger into this piece of paper, or pieces. Just get it all out.

#2 Pull out another piece of paper and write down all the thoughts that come to mind when you think of leading a sober life. What do you hope to achieve when you are sober? What problems may be fixed? Once you finished writing this down, look at both of your lists. Do any of the items on the lists cancel each other out? How did you feel when you wrote this list in comparison to the list prior? Does it make you feel more hopeful for the future? Does it get you excited or do you feel exhausted just thinking about the changes?

#3 Now, come up with a third list. In this list, I want you to write your dreams, passions and goals. What do you love to do? What makes you happy?

-Take that third list and do one of the following: if you have a safe place to do so, light it on fire. If you do not, drown that sucker! Rip it up, stomp on it, scream and shout while doing so. This list is not you but the lies your addicted self tells you. W

while you are in the process, remember or recite all the items on your 2nd list. Recite it to yourself because that is who you are going to be. No maybes, no ifs, ands or buts – you will be that person!

Once you finish, put both list 2 and 3 somewhere where you can see them every day. In your wallet, on your wall at home. Maybe in your car. Add it to your list of positive affirmations and keep it close to you.

I know this may sound like a stupid ritual, but you need all the positivity you can get while you are sober. You need to be reminded of what a wonderful, caring and amazing person you are. Your addictive voice is strong and will keep putting you down as much as possible. There will be days where all you want to do is drink, one last time. But take out these lists and remind yourself. Remind yourself of who you are and what you can be. Maybe you will still drink that night, but there is always another day. And the kinder you treat yourself, the easier letting go of drinking will be.

Some other rituals that you can do to help you along your path of recovery are listed below. I know that addiction is a brutal obstacle to overcome, but you can do it. We can do it. If you ever need someone tot talk to, reach out to me. I am here.

Rituals

Go to AA meetings:

You may not like AA or maybe you do not agree with some of the beliefs they have, but GO! Take what helps and leave the rest. It was difficult for me to go at first. I put it off for months, but finally started going to a young people’s meeting that meets at 8pm almost every night. It is in these rooms that I met friends who understand what I am going through. I met people who could relate to me and talk to me about their experiences. And, in every meeting, I can take away something from it and relate it to my own life. AA helps you remember that you are not alone, because no matter how much your addiction may make you feel as though you are, you aren’t. There is a whole world of people out there waiting for you. Go meet them.

  Find your passion:

I truly believe that this is one of the most helpful pieces of advice I have gotten in recovery so far. Your addiction takes up all your time. When you are not in the thralls of your addiction, you are thinking about the next time. When you are in the thralls of it, you are engaging in those thoughts and carrying it out. Uncover a passion you can put your mind, body and soul into instead. Find something that makes you happy, that brings you to life. Writing has done this for me. I may suck at writing. I may never be able to become a successful writer, but I don’t care. It makes me happy. I feel successful whenever I engage in the act of writing. I never felt that way when I was drunk or high. You may go through different hobbies at first while you are trying to figure out which is your passion. Enjoy this because it is a process of learning more about who you are, without the voice of your addiction taking over.

  Get a sponsor. Someone who can walk you through the steps. Someone who you can talk to and vent to. Who understands what you have been through and who can be the voice of reason. I have a sponsor and although I do not stay in contact with her as much as I wish I did, I know she is always there for me. I know that going through the steps is just another opportunity for me to learn more about myself as a person. The whole journey of sobriety is to learn more about who you are. To learn to love who you are and accept yourself.

I hope this post has brought to life an idea in you to start your own ritual or find your own passion. Maybe it will help you decide to become sober and start on the journey of getting to know yourself.

As always, please share with me your thoughts, feelings and concerns on your journey through sobriety.

  http://www.huna.org/html/skritual.html

Rituals, Just another way to celebrate sobriety! Although the first thought that comes to my mind when I think of the word ritual is a nefarious Voodoo ritual involving a dead chicken and someone’s hair, rituals themselves are not as sinister as you may think.