#I have so many thoughts specially about holy land experience type shit

[gxlden-angels]

Do not stop talking about Palestine. Do not forget about Palestine. This is not a battle of religion and I do not think it should be treated as such. From the river to the sea, they will be free 🇵🇸

Disclaimer: I am not an expert. I am just some guy in the US. I am not a direct source of information. Please listen to Palestinians. Please help them directly. Please help with protests if your country is supplying Israel with weapons like the US.

[hwallout]

quatervois - ljy

summary: “Listen up pretty boy, we’re both murderers. We carry the souls of hundreds on our weapons. It doesn’t fucking matter who our targets are. We’re the exact same; except, I’m honest and I only do this because it pays good fucking money, and what is it you’re striving for? With your ass always covered? Pitiful peace and justice? That’s pathetic. There’s no such thing in this job.”

words: 21,7k (this was 38 pages on word im,,,i birthed a monster im so sorry)

genre: assassin!juyeon, assassin!reader, angst, drama, fluff, crack if u use a microscope

warnings: (not explicit) violence, murder, language

early an: holy shit it’s here

The way you got introduced and became a part of such a job wasn’t exactly how one would imagine.

Becoming an assassin hasn’t been a direct wish of yours. As expected, in the beginning, this exact possibility had never crossed your mind. Growing up in an ordinary, middle-class household, it was expected of you to follow the footsteps of many. Never the smartest kid in class, but with a knack for logic and solving thought experiments, you’ve imagined becoming a philosopher of some type. Nothing too spectacular, but interesting enough and different than a usual 9-5 job.

So then, how exactly have you come to holding a knife against a random man’s throat almost daily?

Of course, while young, a person is prone to the effect of the outside world and people surrounding them. Some pupils are lucky enough to live in the best surroundings and are given amazing opportunities; therefore, they grow up into kind, successful people. Then, there are those who thanks to certain circumstances end up walking a different path, all of them hoping for the best possible outcome.

In today’s society, the importance of money was huge. It was expected that every family, containing at least one adult person, was able to deal with constant fluctuation of cash and sudden, unanticipated expenses. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case in many households and those kids had to experience helpless life without enough money, while their parents fought for every coin.

It was incredibly unfortunate that it affected you as well, even so in the worst possible moment – right before university.  

Thanks to stupid reasons that could’ve easily been prevented, your family fell into dept, causing both of your parents to find second jobs. Not having enough money to continue with a rather expensive education, you felt obliged to find a job.

And of course, being so young and ambitious, but mostly misfortune driven, you thought that the future of the household was in your hands. It was a must to find something that pays good, fast.

Consequently, the first night was spent scrolling down the endless pages of Google. You searched for something that didn’t require any special education (because of obvious reasons), but would generously help your situation. Seconds extended into minutes, those into hours, days even. Finding a good job with no degree was pretty hard, yet what else could’ve you expected?  

The issue had you visiting most irrelevant sites, clicking on shady ads (and installing a thousand viruses, probably), asking strangers in online chatrooms. Lost and unexperienced, you struggled and almost accepted the proposal of being a stripper in a famous strip club downtown.  

Almost.  

The job you were suddenly introduced to was something seen in movies and video games only. For whichever reason, it appeared in a dream one night. The dream had you play the main character, dressed in all black, doing all the terrifying, dirty work with random weapons, but being paid a huge sum afterwards. It was scandalous enough to have you hesitating for a little while upon waking up, disgusted at the thought of doing it.

Still, remembering the money filled suitcase, you’ve overcome the initial revulsion fast. Unexpectedly intrigued by the idea, you thought a little research couldn’t hurt anyone. Finding a reliable site that offered information on paid assassins only took a couple of minutes. The author of the article was an ex-FBI agent, therefore you thought there couldn’t be data more reliable than this. Upon a quick look, you’ve come to the conclusion that the study was most definitely written with intent of educating people on this topic, rather than motivating them to apply for it. Oh well.

From an objective point of view, it was exactly what you were looking for. It didn’t require any special degree from any university and it paid horrendously well, with small variations on the amount due to different employers. Reading further though, you realized that not just anyone can become an assassin, or hitman, as people liked to call it.

It demanded years of training, hard work and terrifying change. The author described it as “...complete mutation of one’s mind and personality, utter desensitization to almost everything. Those people become machines...”. You didn’t doubt their words, on the contrary, you believed them completely. It was only logical that a person has to get used to blood, extreme violence, emotionless murder, which were no ordinary or acceptable sights and actions. Of course, you were in denial, about to laugh at yourself for even reading the article seriously.

But then your eyes landed on the pay again. The numbers were huge. It would definitely help. Your family needed this. Sacrifices had to be made.

The next day, you bought a burner phone with the last bits of your savings. Entering an empty alley, you immediately dialed a phone number you’ve found at 3am. You didn’t know what was the worst that could happen, seeing as you were dialing a shady number from a shady website with shady intentions. Maybe the phone would blow up – in which case thankfully, it was a burner. But that then meant you wasted money with no reason.  

Thankfully, the other side picked up and scheduled a meeting for the next day.

Everything about it was suspicious, from the first to the last moment. From the first meeting with a tall, fat man, wearing an expensive suit and a shiny Rolex on his wrist, to the moment that exact man patted you on the back for good luck on your first mission.

The training was all you’ve expected and more. Tears, sweat and especially blood were shed during that tough period. You were put through complete torture – whether it be emotional or physical. In the beginning, they had you watch videos containing mild abuse of random people, only to progress to horrible violence as time passed by. In times where you wanted to look away, a stern and strong man would yell at you, ordering to stay focused on the task – one that would make you used and nonchalant to seeing such monstrosities.

You were trained to take words, threats and even hits with a straight face, only to return ten times harder. Sometimes you thought that self-defense classes you were offered but never took in the past, would’ve definitely helped with the current situation. Simple pistols were immediately introduced to you, strange looking men always pressuring you into improving the mediocre aim. More complicated guns and snipers were thrown in your direction upon noticeable improvement.

Surprisingly, they began “paying” you from the start. The big boss said it was because he noticed your potential and incredibly fast progress, therefore used the money as constant motivation for further improvement. Unfortunately, the trainees you’ve encountered weren’t so positive about it, saying it was the boss’ way of making sure no one ditches out once they enter (“you’ll have to pay the complete sum back, he basically indebted you”). The money you received wasn’t a lot, but it was definitely a good starting position.

In a relatively short period of time, a huge change happened. You’ve transformed from someone whose eyes watered at harsh words, body flinched at sudden movement and hands shook while holding a knife, to a person who had no trouble taking a hit to the face, only to counterattack by slitting throats.

Your knack for logic and solving thought experiments and predicting outcomes came in handy, for they’ve worked on further developing that as well. They created a thousand puzzles, testing possible situations (“you have to run away, which route do you take?", "two witnesses saw you; how do you deal with them without anyone else noticing?”), always questioning your answers (“but then wouldn’t that make you more exposed?”, “what if suddenly your target chose to change their usual route?”) and having you argument them thoroughly.

You were trained to notice even the smallest of similarities between two situations, perceive possible danger/risks, predict where a target would appear next based on their recent roundabouts and analyze certain types of behavior. Basically, they tried recreating situations that would slowly introduce you to the harder part of your future job – the planning, unnoticed execution and escape from the crime scene.

The boss had personally hired personnel to train your selective attention. Everything a normal person would pass by and dismiss, you’d notice. The unusual movement of leaves in the corner of your eyes, a black bird in a flock of dark grey ones, the inconsiderable change in a person’s demeanor, a reoccurring but overlooked detail in everyday situations.

Friends weren't particularly made in such a setting; therefore, like many others, you've been alone through it all. Evidently, you've noticed other people around, mostly teenagers who were just introduced to the whole thing – yet never really bothered or had enough time to go and meet them. Everybody was just as scared and hesitant as you were when it all started. In the end, who knew who you'd have to fight against in the future. “Save yourself a heartbreak”.

Interestingly enough though, there was a boy who caught your eye. You weren’t sure when he was recruited, for he never seemed lost or inexperienced. The boy would walk confidently around the training site, shoot exceedingly well at the shooting range and progress through his endurance training perfectly.

Silently, you watched and admired the handsome boy with attentive eyes. Everything about him was as captivating as ever, further piquing your interest with every passing day. His form and skill were envious, while his mature behavior and breathtaking looks stole your breath away.

Eventually though, the boy disappeared.

Your parents were a sensitive topic. At first, they were told the job you found didn't have fixed hours, which sounded like the only logical explanation for why you never came home at the same time.

When the training became more serious and the changes in your personality and looks became obvious, you stopped seeing them. The place of stay was a motel a couple of miles away from the training site (or the supposed store you lied working at). Despite their constant messages and phone calls, pleads to come back home and stop “overworking” yourself, you stood your ground. The money you were paid was still linked back to them, and after a while you were informed that the debt was no more.  

Unfortunately, though, you've come to the point where you didn't want to back out from this horrendous job. And a couple months later, the boss forced you to cut contact with your parents.

Maybe it was for the better, because it wasn't possible to predict if they'd even recognize you. Their daughter built muscle, had a scarred body and went through a drastic change of personality. The desensitization did wonders to young minds. It came to the point where you were able to firstly watch and then execute a certain violent act (on a specialized, human-like doll), without having to look away. The two elders definitely wouldn't want such a person in their household.  

Although there really should've been, there was no shame or regret once the trainee period was finished and your feet set out on the first ever mission and first real kill.

Fast forward a few years after the first mission, and you were considered a high valued assassin.  

There really was no proper reason, but the flow of the river happened to direct you towards the more infamous customers. Drug dealers, wanted criminals, corrupted politicians, all sorts of people involved with illegality hired you. Over time, you've gotten used to it. Already familiarized with customers, type of targets and forms of execution, switching to work for a different type of people simply stopped crossing your mind.

Your prices weren't low at all. Actually, they were one of the highest for the job, yet with a great reason. Despite the victim count passing hundred, there hasn't been a single case that was ever (properly) solved, the employers always getting away with their work. Not even once have you been suspected or connected to any of the assassinations either, and it was all thanks to your tactics.

One could argue that there weren’t many ways a person could be murdered, but you managed to prove such a statement wrong. Not a lot of executions you've done followed the same path – which only showed how creative but also knowledgeable your mind was.

Because of one simple hair strand, whose color faded a long time ago, they called you Red. The nickname stuck with you ever since those torturous, trainee days, and nowadays, it helped avoid using your real name. You doubted anyone even knew what it was.

An interesting period began during your sixth year. Numerous politicians, usually the ones that heavily opposed the new government, would be found dead around the city. Not just them, but gang and mafia leaders who became too powerful and prominent in the public eye as well – many of those who hired you in the past.

Much like always, this government experienced the lack of trust and satisfaction from citizens. Rightfully so though, the public demanded change after supposed rigged elections, finally having enough of the fake democracy. Heavy and frequent protests blew up the nation, huge crowds of people led by a few brave individuals. Unfortunately, though, a few weeks in, the leaders of those would be found dead after announcing the protest scheme.

The terrifying amount of sudden assassinations were never solved or explained. At least to the public. The huge leap in numbers shouldn’t have been thrown under the mat so easily, yet it just happened. People began living in anger and fear. All the officials had to say about it was a simple “we're looking into it, but it’s not our main priority”, words that only intensified the rage felt by the citizens. That topic would always be dismissed with the same exact answer, occasionally adding that those assassinated already had “worrisome and problematic backgrounds”.

“It was only a matter of time when something as tragic as death would happen to them”

The situations greatly benefitted them; they wouldn't make an effort to explain whatever happened even if they weren't involved. All of those people worked against them, one way or another anyway. Still, the murders weren't spontaneous, and just like many others, you caught onto their sly play.

For a little while, you tried getting some insight and information on the cases. Your intentions weren’t to solve them and serve justice, but rather find whoever was the one hired by the government. It was pure curiosity to know who was the infamous colleague.

The information given to the public (obviously) wasn't much, and you were left connecting all the different cases using simple wide shots and shitty descriptions. The best source of information appeared to be freelancing journalists, who published the most details. Unsurprisingly though, those weren't enough for a proper open case either, for someone evidently prohibited them from posting more.

One thing that had you frowning was the fact that everything was way too clean, perfect and similar to your own way of work.

Closing the laptop after reading yet another empty article, you looked around the dark room. Sighing out in frustration and cracking fingers one by one, you wondered if you're supposed to consider those people your actual colleagues or rather enemies.

The clock ticked eleven and fifteen; just forty-five minutes before midnight. The atmosphere in the tiny apartment was calm, no sound other than your quiet breathing heard. Darkness filling your bedroom was only interrupted by the big moon that greeted you through an open window. Yet, much like any other Friday, the outside world seemed to be bustling with life, getting ready for what's yet to come.  

Standing up, you stretched fast and walked towards the entrance door. Picking up a black coat from the hanger, keys and phone from the little table next to it, you headed outside. Tomorrow was yet another mission, this time a man by the name of Lee Baekgon. The reason was usual, another member of a gang who had involved himself with the government, becoming an unfortunate mole.  

Thanks to the extensive week-long watch and study you've done on the man you had gotten used to his ethics and everyday habits. The experience you had and the surprisingly uninteresting and bland life of Lee Baekgon allowed you to do so in such little time – which always brought more money. The faster the execution is, the more expensive it is, and of course, you cared about the amount in your pocket.

Now, having everything planned out and prepared, you went out for a relaxing walk – as per usual on the night before. The streets were filled with people, hurrying in all directions, either coming back from their late shifts or going out with their friends.

Setting a regular pace, you camouflaged into the crowd and breathed in heavily. Colorful lights from nearby stores lit up the street in a thousand shades, creating a unique palette out of the usually dull path. Your eyes skimmed over people, not really staying locked on anyone's head or scalp. All of them were plain shapes to you, only looking similar to those who you've had the job of executing. Either way, it was pleasurable to hear the overall sound of people. The voices, laughs, gasps.

Suddenly and surprisingly, as if trained, your eyes locked onto a tall, lean, dark blue haired man walking in the opposite direction. It could’ve been because of his height or hair, but he stuck out of the dense crowd like a sore thumb. The stranger wasn't looking at you, rather ahead of himself, but you immediately scanned his profile. An unfamiliar feeling spread through your body, sending shivers down your spine.

The man carried himself with a certain kind of confidence, his steps calm and collected. He held his head high, looking forward as if staring at an invisible dot, walking towards an unknown destination. His eyes, although dark and hooded, were sharp and focused. The nose bridge of his created a slight shadow over the side of his handsome face.

Unexpectedly, as if sensing your eyes, the man looked back for a short second. Immediately, a familiar image of a teenage boy who exceeded in all training fields flashed before your eyes. Alas, before you knew it the man was taking a sharp turn and straying away from view.

The organ inside of your chest performed one incredibly hard beat, before going back to normal. Someone bumped your shoulder, apologizing right away and breaking the short-lived daze. For another moment, you stood motionless, looking in the direction of the other, the blue strands now long gone.

Shaking your head quickly and picking the pace up again, you tried processing what has just happened.

You'd see the man quite often after laying eyes on him for the first time. He even had a nickname. Blue.

Blue's fashion was quite predictable now, for the man seemed not to prefer colorful clothes. During the day, his wardrobe consisted of simple t-shirts, black jeans and occasional black leather jacket. One thing that changed almost daily though, was the bag that he'd carry. Nonetheless, Blue would always walk as nonchalantly and confidently as ever.

Each time you'd encounter him, the man would remind you of that certain boy. Weirdly enough, Blue never once looked back, no matter how many times or how close you'd pass by. No matter what though, you'd notice the same pair of sharp eyes peeking through thick blue bangs – a feature you very well remember.

The second thing that would have anyone's interest piqued, was that you'd see the man at the shooting field as well. On the days when you decided on visiting and practicing your (already impressive) aim, he would already be there. You'd watch from afar, the last couple of shots he'd take before turning around to leave. The male never once stayed any longer. Blue wouldn't even check on his hits - he'd shoot thrice and leave immediately.

A thing that many would fail to notice, would be the fast movement of his arms as he pushed the gun back into his rucksack.

Over time, you've realized that the number of encounters with Blue was too great for a stranger. The possibility of it not being an accident started bugging you. Eventually, it became worrying.

In the dead time of the night, while walking through forgotten alleyways no one really passes through, you'd see him. On rainy nights, while everyone else ran or hid away as to not get soaked, Blue would walk calmly.  

And maybe he had always been there, yet you simply never cared or gave it enough attention up until recently. Or maybe, it was something more serious.

His sight would often be locked onto his feet, hands shoved deep into jean pockets. During the night, Blue would wear all black, a mask and hood frequently covering up his face, yet the dark blue strands never failed to peek out. He'd also wear the same black worn out backpack, the one he never brought out in the daylight.

Although you've met and dealt with many different kinds of people, never once had someone managed to make you feel so curious but anxious at the same time. Neither of those feelings felt good.

Despite your initial pleasant surprise, Blue became someone who you disliked pretty fast. It bugged you how the two worlds happened to overlap at the most unconventional of times. Whether it was when you were spying on someone, following them or coming back to the base with blood on your hands, the man would make his appearance. You suddenly felt as if this stranger had a whole insight of your life and knew all of your secrets. As if he was aware of your job and worked as a spy whose target was you.

Feeling apprehensive was something you never expected to experience, especially while out of work. For the first time ever though, you thought about executing someone who you weren't ordered to take out.  

Thanks to instances such as those stated earlier, you've developed a side mission over time. As if in you were in a game and suddenly had to unlock another small part of the main story to progress. There was an undying need to find out if your suspicions were correct and what exactly was so off-putting, upsetting about this man (who seemingly did no real harm to you). And of course, if there was a way to fix it before jumping to the last, desperate solution.

Truthfully, you never got any thrill from the pure act of execution. Taking someone's life was as emotional as raw poetry, but those emotions were never felt by the heart, much less the brain. Sometimes you wondered what your thoughts on everything would've been if you hadn't changed so much.

Taking another deep breath, you grit your teeth and backed the scared man against a wall. With a knife held close to his Adam's apple, the man gulped and winced for the last time. Fat beads of sweat raced each other against his neck. There was no remorse for the other – neither him or the rest of his happy family.

You didn't hear the pleads and wishes of the victim, as the cotton gag filling his mouth prevented any noise from escaping. The thin blade sliced through skin and flesh in a delicate manner, effectively damaging his windpipe. The man gasped for air, but only coughed back blood. White cotton soon changed color. Watching the white material turning red didn't make you feel any different, just like the eyes of the man who struggled in pure agony.

Only when it looked like the blood was about to create a puddle on the ground, did you remove the cotton. The other gasped two, three more times, too exhausted and lightheaded to take any action. With much force, you pulled the body towards an open manhole and dumped it inside, listening to the way it heavily fell into the water.

That's what drug debt does to you.

Closing the manhole up, you stuffed the bloody cotton inside your coat and hid the knife inside of your boot. Taking off black gloves and mask, you pushed them beside the cotton and walked in the opposing direction than the one you came from.

The connected alleyways seemed to go on forever, but they were no unfamiliar place to you. To say that you used them often wasn't a lie, but there was rarely anyone else doing the same. Light steps echoed shortly; the fog that unusually filled the tight space became thicker as you delved deeper. Suddenly, there was yet another echo coming from the other direction. The person was seemingly walking towards you. Unconsciously, you prepared to reach down for the knife.

Through the fog you could faintly make out a silhouette of a man approaching. Every step you took allowed a clearer view of the other, and eventually the full sight of his figure. With an exaggerated eye roll and in pure disbelief, you silently cursed your absolute luck. It once again proved to be just who you expected.  

Blue walked with hurried steps, something you haven't seen before. Upon coming close enough to you, he looked up from the ground, pace slowing down and eyes meeting for the first time in a long while. Time seemed to slow down as well for both, one short moment extending to unexpected lengths.  

Both were dressed in similar, dark attire, carrying a fake expression of innocence. Yet, the moment their irises met, a certain feeling spread throughout their bodies, as if they quietly confirmed it wasn't a coincidence that they met here at this time.  

No words were exchanged, the moment finally ending as you passed by each other. There was a strong urge to look back after the other, but an inner voice whispered quietly, saying it was smarter not to do so. Not even when the man's steps promptly stopped echoing and you felt eyes on your back.  

A couple of steps later, you picked up on a sudden, but barely noticeable smell of human blood. For a moment, you were tricked into thinking it was the cotton or knife that were stuffed inside your coat. Still, the closer you got to a certain container leaning against a building wall, you realized it couldn't be it.

Once a foot away from the huge object, you stopped. The smell wasn't at all strong, but still noticeable enough. You didn’t want to interfere with whatever took place, but it didn’t take long to realize someone laid dead in there. In the end, it was the smell you were surrounded with pretty much daily.

Dots were beginning to connect slowly, but you were once again forced into moving. The feeling of being watched was making you feel uneasy, but this time you were tempted enough to turn around.  

There was no one standing where you expected them to. He was gone.

Sighing out loud, you turned around, took a quick left and finally walked out of the alleyway. There were almost no people on the streets, and the weird feeling was finally gone. The walk back to the base was just enough time to analyze all the different possibilities that unexpectedly plagued your mind.

It shouldn’t have surprised you that it happened so soon.  

A few rather peaceful days have passed since your last encounter with him. Time seemingly fled by, but unlike many other, these days were calm. The missions have come to a stale; therefore, you effectively used your free time to do chores and visit the market. In the end, the fridge wouldn't fill itself up.

The thin paper bag swung side to side as you walked. Cans and bottles made an unrecognizable but even melody as they clashed against each other. Lost in thought, you aimlessly walked forwards, enjoying the cool gust of wind hitting your face.  

But then, in the corner of an eye, you picked up on a man running towards you.

He was in his forties, a body of short, strong and somewhat fat build covered by a formal, grey suit. There was little to no hair in the middle of his head, while two thick patches spread on the sides. He wore a panicked expression, eyebrows furrowed and eyes all but screaming for help. It took him only a few seconds to reach you.

“Miss?” The man panted, immediately bending down to place his hands on his shaking knees. “Miss, I beg for your help”.

Glancing at his face again, you recognized the other as Mr. White - a man who has been barking against the government quite a lot recently. The propaganda he preached was slowly but surely gaining more supporters, and it suddenly clicked for you. This little rat probably had a sudden reason to feel unsafe and afraid of experiencing the same end as many others. What a shame he was brave only on the TV.

For a moment, you were hesitant, unsure if accepting to help was a right thing to do. Especially when such a person was in question. You waited a minute, while the other gathered his thoughts and managed to form coherent words. He must’ve sensed your reluctance, for not another second was wasted before he began explaining.

“I’m sorry, I feel exposed and like I’m being followed and...” Mr. White went on, blabbering something you only hummed along to, while scanning the surroundings. The park he came from wasn’t that crowded, unlike the last time you’ve passed by. There were only a few families playing with their kids and people walking their dogs.  

Nothing out of the ordinary, yet a certain man walking a tall Doberman managed to have you interested.

“...that hooded man...”

Lips moving to form a smirk, you almost patted yourself on the back for suspecting the right person. The stranger was rather tall, wearing black fitting jeans and an oversized cherry red hoodie. Despite it being warm outside, a big hood was pulled over his head, and his face was somewhat covered by a cap he wore underneath. A strong hand gripped the chain leash that held a dauntingly big, black Doberman on a trained distance, walking in a calm pace. The dog was huge, with ears pointed up and forwards, steps elegant but threatening. One could swear that it could rip a man’s head off with one bite.

“Why didn’t you take a taxi?” You asked back, cutting off the current ongoing speech.

“I tried... I tried calling for one but... none... none stopped, please help me... stay with me, wait with me” He practically begged, knees bent and hands pressing together as if praying. Passerby watched the scene unfold with surprised expressions, some even mocking the way the male behaved. Frowning at the current situation, you pulled the man up by his bicep, not in the mood for any unnecessary drama. He looked way too pathetic.  

Nodding as a reply, you started walking towards the pedestrian crossing not so far away. On the other side, at the designated spot, you’d be able to call for a taxi.

The whole time, you ordered Mr. White to walk in front - as if your smaller form would be any coverage for him. Despite not being strong, the wind was still powerful enough to carry the quiet echo of footsteps behind you. The person walked with the same pace, keeping suspicious distance.

Once at the traffic light, you stopped. The panicked politician didn’t dare move, his limbs stiff and frozen like a paused frame. At the given moment, you weren’t sure if the man was even breathing – his chest wasn’t at all moving. Unfortunately, the wait for the light to turn green was quite long. The steps that used to echo behind you came to a halt as the suspicious man finally caught up. It was then that you turned around to look at him – eyes meeting with a pair that held no emotion inside of them.

Blue looked even more handsome up close and in broad daylight. With fierce eyes and dominant aura, he seemed quite intimidating. While his facial features now resembled a grown man, they once again reminded you of that certain young boy. It was a sudden flash of clear memory, something you’ve only experienced while crossing paths the blue haired man.

Blue attentively caught onto your interested gaze, for his eyebrow rose and lips formed a smirk. Slowly, as if you were supposed to notice, he glanced behind at the motionless politician and then back at you, this time with a wider smirk. Such a bold move.

And of course, it shouldn’t have surprised you that it was him. Coincidence no more; your doubts were crumbling down like a house of cards thanks to the sudden stimuli.

The black dog watched you like prey, hungry eyes tracking every move. Thankfully, it was properly held in its place by the stronger man.

As soon as the light turned green, Blue took off, not sparing any more attention to neither of the two. The Doberman trailed in suit, walking graciously beside its owner, following the exact pace. You let him a few steps ahead, before crossing the street with Mr. White who seemed more relaxed now.

Paying the last bit of attention to the young man, your eyes unconsciously trailed down his leg. Immediately, you noticed the outline of a certain object that strained against the material of his fitting jeans. With a quick analysis, you recognized the weird shape – it was a knife.

That was it; exactly all the additional information you needed. The young boy grew up to be someone you now worked against.

Work, work, work. That’s all your mind was filled with for the past few weeks, and with a good reason. Being an undiscovered assassin often demanded immense amounts of creativity (which really proved to be hard when unmotivated) to avoid similarities between cases. Sometimes, you even had to choose the riskier and more public approach, much like today.

The current mission demanded a month-long preparation and as crazy as it might sound, obtaining explosive was the easiest part of it. You were lucky to have a couple of acquaintances who somehow had the exact stuff you needed, and at a great price as well.

For exactly four weeks, you’ve watched over a certain man, a tall, strong and well-known drug dealer called K. Besides actively selling all sorts of opium and illegal substances, the man led a powerful gang named The Vipers. You’ve never been hired by that gang, but you’ve heard a lot about them through numerous connections and accidental eavesdropping. Sometimes, you thought that assassins were the biggest threat to their employers, thanks to the amount of insider knowledge they pick up on over time.

The Vipers heavily depended on their leaders, brothers K and B. The older sibling, K, as the stronger leader, took most control over their big bites, while B did the other, sporadic and less serious work. Still, they cooperated perfectly, working in sync to create a big, illegal underground market, that the government never spoke about.

Unfortunately, they got themselves into a big fuss with another powerful gang, Weiro, the details never once directly explained to you. There were a couple of things that you could’ve suspected went down, but really, it wasn’t your job and interest. Anyhow, Weiro employed you, with a strict order to kill K in an extravagant way that will have his gang warned properly. Their request had your eyes rolling back; music wishes were never a favorite.

For a whole month, you studied the man, all of his whereabouts and paid attention to the people he interacted with from an unassuming distance. While K probably lived a very stressful and interesting life behind the closed doors of his hideouts and warehouses, his everyday ethics were pretty bland and easy to predict. Of course, you weren’t the one to complain, for it made your job easier.

During that time, you’ve also thought of an extravagant but careful enough way to finish the mission. Thankfully, creativity wasn’t a skill you lacked most of the time.  

The plan was simple when broken down. Every third day, at 4pm, K. drives from his home to The Vipers’ main warehouse. He takes the exact same route to reach that destination in the shortest period of time, driving either his black Porsche or B’s red Dodge. Both cars were one of a kind in the area. There are exactly 6 traffic lights he has to stop at before advancing to the highway and leaving the city. With some advanced work, you managed to interfere with them through a tiny device that was set up and connected to a phone. It still didn’t work at command (which you wish it did), but it bought some time by prolonging the red light.

Thankfully, your city had a wide chain of sewers that spread under every single street, numerous manholes leading in and out.  

The public town cameras positioned at almost every corner were connected to your phone as well, allowing a great view of the street you’ll be operating on – or underneath, for a better narration. Navigating through the sewers should be relatively easy, thanks to the map you’ve studied numerous times. After interrupting the traffic light, K’s car will (presumably) stop right above a manhole, through which you’d be able to set up a 30-second explosive. The car should explode a street away, killing K.

Surprisingly enough, the plan worked out perfectly. With hurried steps you’ve walked into one of the empty alleyways, immediately running towards an already open manhole. There was a bright yellow warning that indicated a hole in the ground – one that no one closed even after a whole year of the sign just standing there. Looking around for the last time, you slipped in, sprinting away the moment your feet touched the ground.

Steps echoed through the empty tunnel, contact with wet surface only creating loud splashing noises. Currently, the screen of your phone was split, half showing the camera display of the street and half exhibiting a blue button and a frozen counter. A few minutes of fast navigation through the sewers, you looked up, realizing the designated place was there. A quick look up granted proof that the plate was there. K was then taking a turn, only a few hundred meters away from you.  

With a quick and forceful tap of the blue circle, you watched the light turn red.

The powerful vehicle driving closer appeared even louder down there. When K stopped and the noisy engine came to a halt, the cameras were there to confirm his perfect position. Hurriedly, you climbed up, working the plate open with a miniature crowbar (that you carried in a backpack, along with the explosive). Then, with calculated and calm movements, the metal cover was carefully moved and the car was right there.

Huge amount of smoke entered through the opening, making you cough. Much like always, time was precious and there were only twenty more seconds. Skillfully, you securely tied the tiny bomb to the underside of K’s vehicle, closing the manhole up and setting the timer off immediately after.

The light turned green and the mighty engine roared for its last time.

Taking a clean jump down, you ran back the same way. Somewhere in the middle, you heard a huge bang, followed by strong vibrations of the ground. Smirking, you nodded in satisfaction because of yet another case well done.

Outside, on the main street, while many panicked about the car currently on fire and a dead man inside, the familiar blue-haired stranger watched with calm in his irises. He was leaned on one of the walls, laughing at the scared pedestrians and their clumsiness. Then, as if programmed, the moment you came out of the alleyway, he turned to face you.

Caught like a deer in headlights, you stopped in tracks. Blue smirked boldly, nodding slightly with a raised eyebrow – as if giving props for the finished job. Once again, an anxious feeling overtook your body, slight goosebumps appearing on soft skin. Gulping, you took a deep breath and walked right past, trying not to look intimidated by his sharp gaze.

Despite the familiarity you felt, Blue never once showed any signs of knowing who you once were or where you came from. Yet, it looked as if he knew exactly who you were and who you worked for currently, which was a worse situation to be in.

Once again, you aimlessly walked through lit up, bustling streets. Unnecessarily, you felt like a part of the normal community during these times. The chilly wind was somewhat relaxing against warm skin, serving as a distraction from overthinking. There were a thousand things that could go wrong every time, and thinking about them wouldn’t make anything easier. In the end, your skill and instincts never failed you, every move already memorized as muscle reflex.

About twenty minutes in, you caught onto a familiar person a few meters ahead. There was a small group of people separating the two of you, therefore they allowed short glimpses. Still, the tall, lean physique and dark blue hair that gleamed under the street light, gave their identity away. It was him.

The man’s posture was something you were already used to – relaxed, with steps long but calculated. His head was bent down lifting up for a second only, before falling down again. With the way his arms were positioned, you supposed the male held a phone or some sort of device in his hands.  Not daring to approach, you chose to follow his movements from a safe distance.  

A tall, strong man took a quick right turn into one of the side streets, effectively distancing away from the crowd. You wouldn’t have paid any special attention to him, if it weren’t for Blue’s gradual stop as well. Choosing not to blow the cover off, you continued with the same pace for a little while, ignoring the other as you passed right by. After about thirty more steps, you sat on one of the free benches that allowed a clear view of the blue haired man.

He stood on the same place, now leaning against one of the street lamps, phone still in hands. The device lit up Blue’s beautiful features, his stern eyes occasionally looking up and at the direction that man disappeared in. From his actions, you presumed he was the next target, and the assassin was only studying his behavior and roundabouts.

Although you couldn’t see, Blue watched the man enter one of the buildings, then waited for the lights on the 3rd floor to turn on and a window to be opened, much like always. When that happened, he pushed the phone into his jacket and turned around, happy with the final observation. You sneakily watched from afar, admiring the relaxation and carefreeness.

Then unexpectedly, Blue turned his head slowly, eyes meeting with yours. They found you so easily and that’s when you realized there was no cover to begin with. The uneasiness once again itched your skin. It was clear that he was aware of your positioning, hell, he probably even knew when you were behind him. The man’s eyebrow rose in an amused manner, before he looked the other way and walked away.

Something told you to go and follow.  

Taking careful and light steps between people, you tried to stay as low-key as possible, although the other probably expected – scratch that, knew – you were behind. His phone rang, an annoying ringtone interrupting the previous atmosphere. Blue picked up quick, talking quietly but laughing loudly at whatever the person on the other end said. Quickening the pace, you were able to get close enough to hear pieces of their conversation – unfortunately it wasn’t anything interesting, rather a casual talk between two friends. You suspected the man used this as a foolish cover.

Suddenly, he turned a corner, disappearing right behind. The phone call was still ongoing, his strong voice echoing through the alleyway for just a short period of time before getting lost in silence. You waited a couple of seconds before advancing.

It was your shadow that first made it around, but it made no effort of warning you about what’s to come. A silent scream left your lips, as the man you’ve been stalking for the past twenty minutes stood right ahead. His body was so incredibly close, minty breath fanning against your face. The corner of his lips formed a teasing smirk.  

“Hello, Red” He spoke, voice low, but with a pinch of playfulness in it. His big hand lifted up and reached behind your ear, taking a hold of a certain strand of hair. Noticing the expected color was no more, Blue frowned lightly. “Oh? It’s not red anymore?”

His act evidently surprised you, eyes wide open and lips parted slightly. The fact that he called you Red had only increased the bewilderment. A battle of foreign emotions started inside of your mind and chest. A foreign, bubbly feeling was fueled by pure hope that the other somehow remembered you, while the rational mind suspected the man’s real intentions and knowledge. In the end, Blue had never once interacted with you directly, how would he know about a hidden strand? Who did he hear it from?

“Hello, Blue” You replied, looking him right in the eyes and choosing to ignore his previous question. There was a slight tinge of dominance in your words, something that the other wasn’t quite expecting. “Nice to finally meet you”

“Haven’t you a long time ago, though?” He questioned, the smirk now turning into a light-hearted smile. Something about it had you wanting to wipe it off immediately. Nevertheless, his words once again had a double meaning. They echoed in your mind, replaying like a never-ending mantra. Technically, the two of you were no strangers, but what reason should you give him? Was it thanks to the faith that intertwined your paths or was it the history you’ve indirectly shared?

“Let’s just say I like to make things formal like this” The more you observed the man’s features, the more you grew intrigued. He was just so perfectly sculpted, and it made no sense that someone as breathtaking as him busied himself with such dirty work. Yet, God only knew what had forced the young boy to choose such a path.

“Well then, my name is Juyeon” Blue extended his hand for a handshake, once again showcasing just how big his hands were. Not bothering to take the gloves off, you accepted his greeting, somehow managing to feel the roughness of his palm over the black leather. A quick mutter of your own name was seemingly enough for Juyeon, for he hummed along and repeated it with the same tone. You didn’t miss the smooth flow of the vowels off his tongue.

Tranquility enveloped the small alleyway. Wind blew through it in strong waves, messing up your hair. Two frames stood just a step away, never once breaking eye contact, but prolonging the silence that swallowed every other sound. It was becoming awkward, yet neither knew how to bring up topics that obviously interested both.

“So, want to grab coffee, or?” Juyeon asked, breaking the suffocating atmosphere. His words served as a splash of cold water that brought you back into Reliaty, eyes averting their gaze for the first time. You watched a rat run from one trash can to the other, disappearing behind it in a matter of seconds.

“No, I actually have something more important to do” The truth was, you wanted to go with him out of pure curiosity, but a lot was holding you back. Even after imagining this exact moment a thousand times, you weren’t sure you were ready for it. Apart from that, there was yet another more impulsive reason for the refusal. You’ve been taught that everyone was an enemy when looked at from the right angle, especially in this job. Therefore, you were to deny as a precaution to not allow just anyone to use any information against you.

And what’s the most unfortunate was that Juyeon wasn’t just anyone. He was exactly your type. Which meant that he was both the most dangerous and safest of them all. The worst combination.

“But less important than following me for about...” The male looked down at his watch, an expensive device tightly secured around his wrist, “20 minutes?”. Blue's expression was one of curiosity, probably anticipating the reply to his remark.

“I had time to kill” It wasn’t at all believable, but the other let it slide with a slight chuckle. He glanced at you with an amused look, before speaking.

“Kill huh? Working so late?” Juyeon teased, the chuckle from before now growing into an audible laugh. Truthfully, this exact reply had caught you off guard pretty well and the silence that suddenly spread was a solid proof of it. Fortunately, though, the other allowed time to think of an answer properly, all while having the cheekiest smile spread on his lips.

“Why so surprised? Weren’t you doing the same a little while ago?” Juyeon nodded at your question, shoulders shrugging fast as if to nonchalantly approve of it. You were quite surprised with his quick confirmation that didn’t hold a pinch of hesitance. It felt as if he was perfectly fine with verifying all of your suspicious and letting you know about the trivial things. Logically speaking, it was only fair, considering how much he apparently knew about you.

“Well then... I can’t do anything about your time” Tsking to show fake disappointment, the male pushed his hands into tight jean pockets and gazed down. It was surprising that he wasn’t pushing the proposal, rather accepting the denial. For whichever reason, your pride accepted a decent hit. With one foot, he carelessly kicked a rock on the ground with a heel, making something underneath his shoe cling. The sound didn’t go unnoticed.

“I guess I’ll see you around then” Juyeon added, before turning in the other direction and slipping away. Before you could react, the man was already ten steps ahead, carrying himself in the same relaxed fashion as before. His steps echoed, the soles of his shoes way too hard on the ground. Upon a quick accidental look, you noticed a piece of shiny metal on his heels, reflecting off the light that happened to hit them directly. Huffing was your only reaction to it.

The whole way back, your thoughts were a hectic mess, one that couldn’t be calmed down, for they always wandered towards the blue haired assassin.

You never really liked warehouses, for they were way too open. Thankfully though, the one you were working in today wasn’t empty – crates and boxes filled with unknown substances and materials were scattered all around, as well as machinery that’s used to move them around. Overall, all of those objects allowed much cover and plenty of room to comfortably work around the broad place. Moreover, your steps weren’t going to echo too much in such a setting.

Today’s target was a man named Captain Lee, a case similar to about a hundred others previously assigned – work with government officials. You never cared how many people did what, but you supposed the most died because they hadn't paid their part of the deal or smuggled with the government. Either way, they happened often and you will never run out of work just because of that.  

Hidden and on a great distance, you watched Lee and another man (assumed government official) enter the warehouse. Unfortunately, both had a generous number of bodyguards, but luckily, none were allowed inside. The huge door was the only easy entrance option, but since that would immediately ruin the mission, you decided to infiltrate some other way. Working fast and precise, you climbed up set of drainpipes and entered through an open window on the roof. Done in less than three minutes – record time. Dropping down was a more challenging move, but nothing too bad, for you entered far enough from the two men to remain unnoticed.

Your shoes that were two sizes bigger, proved to be a bigger hassle today than ever before. The metal railing was very hard to move over without making any unnecessary sound. The mask on your face helped you breathe properly, the air being way too stale for anyone’s liking. Thankfully, there were no major light sources that would interfere with your cover. Full black attire matched perfectly with the semi-dark surroundings.  

The voices of the two males weren’t loud, but in an empty space like this, the echo was immense. It helped you navigate around or between the crates and gigantic shelves in the most accurate manner. The pistol in your hand was already equipped with a silencer, your hand reaching up to stabilize it for the last time. Slowly, you sneaked closer, back pressed against a set of boxes.

Then, unpredictably, something moved in the corner of your eye.

Stopping dead in tracks, your full attention moved to the staircase not so far away. It was protected by one of the huge machines – those you supposed organized all of these crates. Your mind promptly wandered off to the worst scenario – it must’ve been a guard you failed to notice. Gripping the pistol with more force, you aimed at the suspicious area, holding the bullet in, but ready to fire if needed.

Despite the darkness, you noticed a puff of blue hair. Lowering the gun with an inaudible sigh, your eyes rolled back, jaw clenching in frustration. The boy peeked out carefully, irises finding yours in an instant. He nodded in your direction, hand moving slightly in a low wave.  

Looks like the day has come when the two sides get to work together.

Juyeon seemed to realize that as well, for he moved closer to the edge of his cover, evidently willing to make a plan of action. For a moment, ego and pride made you think about ditching the offer, why would you ever need help? But on a second thought, he would definitely make everything easier, and who in their right mind would deny that? Shuffling closer, you accepted the silent proposal with a nod.

Although far away, the two succeeded in communicating through short signals, functionally organizing a proper scheme. You’ve got to know the male was equipped with a knife only – which really didn’t make things easier, but it was possible to work around it.

Juyeon got moving quick after ending the discussion, making his way around the warehouse. You watched his steps until he disappeared, readying yourself to fire at Lee and disappear if anything goes wrong. In the end, you weren’t going to risk getting caught because of someone else’s mistake all while already being so close to completing your part of the job.

Once in position, the other assassin threw a coin in another direction, the tiny object immediately serving as a distraction. Exactly then, both of you jumped out of cover, not giving the two men any reaction time before It was too late.

Juyeon grabbed the official from the back and covered his mouth with one hand, the other coming up to slit his throat, while you fired two rounds at Lee’s head. The pistol, although suppressed, made two sets of noises that still sounded through the warehouses.

Experienced, you knew that if the bodyguards had trained ears, they’d pick up on the sound. Therefore, in a hurry and with a wish to get out of there asap, you grabbed Juyeon’s unoccupied hand and took off running. Hurried steps probably made more sound than the shots you were worried about, but thankfully there was still no one that could hear them.

Juyeon diligently followed behind, holding onto the thin blade and occasionally looking back at the entrance door. Fortunately, both of you were able to reach the exit in a matter of few minutes. Just a moment before slipping out, he picked up on a glimpse of two bulky silhouettes entering the warehouse. Pay people to protect you, only to be murdered without witnesses. Bodyguards my ass, Juyeon thought.

Neither spoke until far away from the mission location. Walking through the woods, both tried making as little noise as possible, gripping their weapons tight just in case there was any more danger. In the natural setting, black clothes greatly contrasted the greens, yellows and browns. Nonetheless, the two figures silently walked through with determination.

Only when in complete clear, did the both stuff their weapons inside their attire, taking the hoods and masks off before anyone could notice. More relaxed and less covered up, you’d look like a normal couple taking a walk in the nature. The road you took led towards the center of the city, but it was a long, long walk.  

After scanning your emotionless face for a few minutes, Juyeon was the first to break the silence.

“Don’t you feel the smallest bit of remorse? He had a sick wife and year-old twins waiting for him at home” The question was a pure shocker. Instantly stopping in place, you looked the other in the eye with the most baffled expression. Out of everything he could’ve asked, that’s what he chose to say? Was he judging you? Was he expecting you to actually care?  

You weren't sure where he was coming from.

“Excuse me? Do you? Are you any better than I am?” You bit back, hoping the pure annoyance that dripped from your words reached the other. Juyeon’s face didn’t change at all though, it remained blank, as if your passive attack hadn’t even touched him. As if you were getting worked up for no reason.

“He didn’t have a family; I don’t sign such things; therefore, I don’t feel that way” The male replied, in a matter of fact tone. His attention wasn’t on you, but an invisible dot in the distance, somewhere between all of the trees and bushes. Still, he could clearly feel you looking at him with a suspicious expression.

“Don’t look at me with those eyes. I have a choice and I choose not to do it, simple as that. Not everyone works for the same people and has the same goals as you”

You wondered how can someone make your blood boil in such a short period of time. Much like you, Juyeon trained for years; it was a fact that he had no empathy for any of his victims – such thing was inevitable. Every assassin in training had to go through the desensitization program, and no one was different than the other when it came to feelings of this kind. So, what exactly was he trying to do with his questions?

Why did it matter if you cared or not? Why did it matter if someone had a family or not? What was the difference? Just because he worked for ‘the good guys’, he got to be the morally right one? What even was it they fought for? Peace, order, harmony in the community as a whole? Or satisfaction, more power of the hungry ones on top by murdering individuals? You had to laugh.

All these years of work and you’ve never once stopped to think about someone’s family or friends, for it simply wouldn’t have changed anything about the final decision. “No hard feelings” was one of the few rules of the whole ordeal. Killing people was your job, the execution of someone didn’t have anything to do with their sick wives or young children.  

You stepped forward, pressing a finger into Juyeon’s chest.

“Listen up pretty boy, we’re both murderers. We carry the souls of hundreds on our weapons. It doesn’t fucking matter who our targets are. We’re the exact same; except, I’m honest and I only do this because it pays good fucking money, and what is it you’re striving for? With your ass always covered? Pitiful peace and justice? That’s pathetic. There’s no such thing in this job.”

At this point, you were fuming, jaw clenched and eyes boring holes into the other’s forehead. Although your voice was hushed, it was quite authoritative. The boiling blood that flowed through veins quick only fueled your irritated brain. Truthfully, the boy did feel slightly intimidated, but more so intrigued.

“Get your head out of that utopia mindset. “Oh I’m killing because that helps keep our community peaceful”, no! You’re killing to make the rats on the top happy and get paid a fortune! You’re taking a life whoever you’re working for. It does not matter if they have ten starving children, or a sugar baby waiting for them at home. There’s a reason they should be dead and you’re not the one to question it! Much less using family as an argument! That’s pointless!”

Juyeon didn’t try and oppose your thoughts, only watched your annoyed being work itself up with every sentence spoken. The smirk on his lips slowly grew wider, eventually turning into an honest smile. Although not in ideal conditions, you managed to captivate him so much, and the man wanted to know and hear more from you, even if that meant you had to yell at his reasoning.

It was interesting how the tables have turned though. Juyeon suddenly wanted to continue observing and listening to you, admire this smaller being that held so much power and determination. It was only now that the male realized the appeal of doing so, after so many years of wondering just what had you looking at him from a distance for so long. The two of you were so different now, despite being so similar back then. Yet the one thing that hadn't changed, was the beauty of the young girl that had evidently followed her into adulthood.

He’d hardly admit it, but he was glad that faith had done its job at setting the two of you up again.

Thanks to your state, the next fifteen minutes went by without any more words. Juyeon kept a safe distance, a couple of steps behind you, unsure of what to do. The tension was beginning to make him uncomfortable. At one point, the thin blade placed inside of his hoodie moved, and the boy let out a fast yelp. The knife managed to shift in such a way that fortunately didn’t harm, but warned the other of its position.

Juyeon crouched down and pushed one arm underneath his hoodie, moving the weapon and trying to push it deeper into the hidden fluffy pocket. For whatever reason, worried about the lack of presence behind, you turned around and noticed the man crouching down, an uncomfortable expression on his face. Approaching out of pure curiosity, you lowered to be on eye level – not quite expecting Blue’s next move. Just to break the unbearable tension, he thought.

With a quick grasp of your arm, Juyeon pulled you towards him, falling back into the soft grass. The two figures fell down, one of which was smirking wide with hooded eyes and the other wore an astonished expression.

“You see Red, you’re some type of enemy for the regime as well, working for sketchy people and killing unnoticed... Be more careful, otherwise I can make some money off you too” The boy joked, voice calm but low. His sudden change of demeanor had you pleasantly surprised and without much thought, you joined in on the play. Situated on top of him, you lowered yourself down, just a few inches away from his face.

“Oh, you can, but you won’t” You replied back, a smirk of your own bidding its hello.

“What makes you think I won’t?” Juyeon answered, suddenly pressing something sharp against your stomach. In any other instance, the action would have immediately set off your self-defense mechanism, but right now, the man was allowed to have his harmless fun. Somehow, you felt the other wasn’t a threat, and your senses never lied to you.

“Because it’s against your morals, pretty boy. You wouldn’t dare. You kill only when ordered and I highly doubt I was ever on your list” With that, you managed to take home a doubtless checkmate. The man tried ignoring the way you called him for the second time that day. Slowly but surely, you took a hold of Juyeon’s big hand that held the weapon and moved it away to a much safer distance. The other let you, without any protest or fight back.

“Plus... I don’t think I’m working against you; I don’t touch anyone else but the bad guys, remember?”

At such close proximity, it was possible to predict what were the thoughts of both. Unexpectedly though, beside a moment-driven need to press your lips together, there was a hidden feeling of understanding and content. Both remained in the exact position for a little while, breathing the same air and enjoying this unique situation.

Without any special reason, you lifted up and touched Juyeon's nose with a soft finger. The act changed the atmosphere quick and caused both to giggle, pleasantly surprised to experience it recklessly Mindfully, you then hoisted yourself up and off the boy, helping him get on his feet as well.

An imperceptible crack formed inside of your soul, something that was just a beginning of a storm.

The next two weeks passed by without any encounters. You took time off to regain energy before moving onto the next scheduled and fixed mission, while Juyeon busied himself with the usual, easy executions. He’d run around the city, hang about in underground passages throughout the day and sneak through alleyways during the night. His victims weren’t big bites at all, for he had gotten used to simple cases of unprotected individuals.  

Juyeon has always been covered by the government, which was to be expected since he did work for them. Every single life the assassin had taken, was never recorded in his dossier, for it remained as clean as ever. The cases he and a few other colleagues worked on were never investigated properly, always thrown under the mat or closed by the court after a few days. It often happened that innocent people were forced to take blame, just so the families of victims felt ‘content’ and ‘justice’ - despite it being far away from that.

The boy had a proper reason for why he chose the path of paid assassination. It's not rare to hear that people who’re born in a violent environment grow up to be violent as well – and unfortunately that was exactly what happened to the blue haired assassin.

Juyeon was only seven when he had lost a dear parent. On an unfortunate night, his father had come home shitface drunk and proceeded to beat up his mother. It was sad to say, but the boy, as well as his younger brother, were used to violence, as it occurred almost daily. Their mother would always usher the two youngsters into their rooms, before she strongly took all of the anger of the older so her kids wouldn’t have to. The man had rarely ever come home sober, and the number of times they listened to the pitiful gasps and cries downstairs was way too great to count.

Still, one night, Juyeon noticed his mother laying on the ground in a pool of red liquid and her mouth parted with eyes fixed on an invisible dot. The father, enraged and unable to process the situation properly, lunged towards him. With extreme amount of luck, Juyeon managed to shield his younger brother for a second, immediately grabbing him by the hand and running out into the open.

Even so young, Juyeon was aware of everything. Raindrops fell in an even, calm rhythm on the pavement while the sky flashed every now and then. He ran almost barefoot, the socks on his feet soaked by the wet pavement. All the time, he held tight onto the younger’s hand, encouraging him to continue running despite everything else. The teddybear his brother carried was dragged along the ground, plastic nose creating a strange noise over asphalt ground.

It took a long time until they were able to find someone on the streets in such weather. One young and reliable looking woman stood under a shop shade, seemingly waiting for the pour to stop. Mindfully though, she ran out of cover to help the same moment they came into view. The woman was shocked and distressed, listening to the heartbreaking story of two young souls who spoke through never-ending tears, their voices breaking with every sob.

Juyeon and his brother were taken into custody quick, and their father was arrested in a matter of one day. Sadly, the siblings were soon separated, both going into different families due to unknown circumstances. They never saw each other again.

Juyeon grew up into a teenager with a never dying urge to get revenge on his father. The picture of his mother lying dead on the ground replayed behind his eyelids every time they closed, it only fueling the hidden fury. He couldn’t fall asleep easily and when it somehow happened, he wouldn’t sleep for long as the image would haunt his young mind even then. Juyeon was unwillingly updated on the state of his father, who he visited not even once.

Either way, Juyeon silently plotted how to get back on the remaining parent, not letting anyone know anything about those plans – which fell apart in the end. The elder died in prison two years later – cause unknown. Juyeon hadn’t bothered to go to the funeral.

The teen ended up without a revenge, nor the justice he thought his mother deserved. Juyeon turned towards bad habits and streets fights, often falling victim to toxic relationships. Everything he did was to ease off the horrible feeling of guilt and anger he simultaneously felt. Secretly, everyone feared him, his sharp words and skills, despite the boy never doing any intentional harm to others without a proper reason. The fights Juyeon got into were only when he felt immoraly wronged, or when someone really pissed him off.  

Eventually, the boy was introduced to the job he’d later become a professional at. Young Juyeon thoroughly thought this tough decision over many times, especially when standing before the big, bossy man who immediately offered him a contract. The older said that people like him tend to be perfect for the job, particularly when driven by a certain emotion – something that would drive them on. At first, Juyeon wasn’t sure where he would end up with a “degree” in assassination, therefore hesitance was a reasonable reaction.  

Sly as a fox though, the boss used unfortunate history against the rookie. Juyeon was told that if he did well enough, there’s a chance he’d be accepted into the government guard – and it fought for justice and peace.  

It was surprising how kids of different backgrounds happen to receive the same treatment and training, only to end up on different places again. One could think that since everyone experienced identical programs, they were meant to work together – when it was the exact opposite. The minor differences in performance and work ethics that could easily be overlooked, were the ones that labeled you a certain position. And unfortunately, it often depended on just what kind of person they turned you into.

Juyeon thought about his time there often. Short pieces of memory flying by and disappearing in an instant. The six years he spent watching different clips of torture and learning how to flawlessly execute a silent murder. All the days his mobility was challenged – running the same course, climbing different heights and crawling through miniature gaps while carrying different weapons.

He thought about all the different people there, all of the kids that he watched get beat up and heard scream – many of those giving up after only days of training.  

But she never did.

The little girl that always observed his practices and paid attention to his every move, as if she was trying to remember them as well. He remembered the younger taking everything thrown at her like a complete champion, determination and will for success written over her face in bold letters. Juyeon always wondered just what it was that made her so persistent.

Shivers ran down his spine as the face of the little girl in his head took on familiar lines. They formed a mature and stoic, yet beautiful as ever face. Juyeon sighed loudly, still not processing the fact that faith made it be so their paths crossed again.

How exactly the two of you managed to find each other so fast in a club full of people, was unexplainable. It could’ve been a sixth sense that you’ve developed, for the two pairs of eyes immediately locked the moment you walked in. Thanks to previous experiences and an uninteresting game of guessing, you’ve come to the realization that once again, the playing field was same for both.

Slowly creeping up to the man, you threw your hands around his neck, attempting to dance to whatever song the DJ was remixing. It was an easy way to get blended into the crowd and communicate with the other without raising suspicion. Flashing colorful lights along with the excessive amount of fake mist and sweaty people once again reminded of the reason why you didn’t like clubs. But alas, work had to be done.  

Juyeon had caught onto your plan, but the smirk and hooded eyes clearly showed that he was quite amused with your boldness. Carefully, his big hands creeped up to your hips, bringing close to his and swaying them to the beat of the song. With a gasp of surprise, you giggled, turning around in Juyeon’s hold, back pressed flush against his strong chest. The male’s head moved closer, lips lingering just above your ear. Out of pure curiosity, with a swift move, your ass ground against Juyeon’s crotch, eliciting the sweetest gasp in return. Before any remark could be made, you glanced back, speaking in such a volume that no one else heard.

“Who is it tonight?”  

“One of the sisters, Yuri” Juyeon replied, voice low and rough, soft lips finally touching your ear. The grip on your hips tightened, as a precaution to not dare pull the same trick twice. Although the colorful tints of flashing lights turned the whole room into hectic mess, Juyeon was thankful for it hid the flush that unknowingly overtook his features.

“Oh, how exciting!” You replied in a sarcastic tone. “I’m here because of Aria!” The answer received a hum of understanding in return.  

The two sisters, Aria and Yuri, while not the most influential on the streets, had managed to get themselves involved in quite a few problems with the big ones, for a short period of time. To know that the fall of both happened due to one’s mistakes was slightly disappointing. It was one of those rare cases you were disclosed all details, and simply put, it had your eyes rolling back. Everything could’ve been easily sorted out.

Despite being twins, they were complete opposites. Aria was always the calm, calculated and careful sibling, while Yuri ran around, causing problems, concerning herself with illegal jobs and getting away with it thanks to her connections. Those associates often asked for something in return, and more often than not, it was someone with some type of political power. You guessed that’s why Juyeon was here tonight. Can’t say it wasn’t to be expected.

Aria, although the more mature twin, got dragged into everything thanks to Yuri. Surprisingly enough, she managed to find a place in the community fast. At first, Aria often did the dirty and hard work of finding new druggie customers for her bosses. Eventually, she progressed and ranked up significantly (no one really knows how she did it so fast), finally allowed to deal crack and heroine by herself – while of course having to pay a percentage back to the leader. The semi-autonomy was there in theory.  

It all went smooth and well until Yuri found out. To her irrational brain, it only meant free shots of fun every time she needed it. Therefore, like a fool, Yuri started using the drugs her sister had to sell, without giving a coin back. Whatever the reason was, Aria let her.

Debt happened fast, as Aria couldn’t pay back enough money, nor make up a good enough excuse as to where the drugs went. The siblings tried prolonging their (Aria’s) payment date and buying just a tad bit more time to get everything sorted out. Empty promises were spoken through disposable phones as Aria pledged the money will be ready soon.  

And as if they were suddenly blind and deaf to the fact of being in debt, the sisters decided to open a nightclub. Apparently, the earnings (they hoped would happen fast) would be used to pay back thousands of dollars they owed.

Unfortunately, being too hopeful was never a good thing. And that’s why you were there on the exact day of the grand opening.

“Well then, can I ask you to be my partner in crime, Miss?” Juyeon whispered, nudging your temple with his nose. Although in the mood to play with the other for a little while longer, you had to get to work first. Once again turning in his hold, you nodded and began bopping along to the new beat that vibrated off the walls. With foreheads pressed together, you tried ignoring Juyeon’ sharp gaze and focusing on discussing a plan of action.

°•. ✿ .•° °•. ✿ .•° °•. ✿ .•° 

It was unusually easy to get inside of the security room, turn the cameras off and delete all footage of the current night. With a bit of secretive work, two assassins found a blueprint of the whole floor, familiarizing themselves with all important points of the nightclub – first and foremost the security room. Immediately, both got to work.

Thanks to your moderately revealing outfit and Oscar-worthy acting (no sarcasm intended), you worked as a distraction in the first part of the plan. Accidentally walking into a male bathroom, you managed to gain attention of drunk and drugged men. As expected, they followed out like hungry dogs.  

In the meantime, Juyeon slipped in and out of the bathroom through an open window. The drain pipes, weird infrastructure and façade of the whole building, allowed him to make his way around and towards the security room. The window was barely open, but with a bit of force, it was lifted up higher and Juyeon jumped in without much sound.  

With quick work of skilled fingers, the footage was deleted and all cameras were disabled for the night. Following the same path, the male left, making sure to lower the window into its previous position before returning to the bathroom. Luckily, your charm and flirty words worked well enough to keep other men outside the room until Juyeon came back.

He felt wronged seeing everyone looking you up and down as if you were some type of provocative art piece, hoping to get a feeling with their nasty fingers. Immediately, Juyeon approached the little group and wrapped a protective arm around your shoulder, leading you away. Sounds of disapproval were heard from the rest, but neither paid no mind, already focused on the next piece of the plan.

°•. ✿ .•° °•. ✿ .•° °•. ✿ .•° 

Keeping up the cover often required creative and interesting measures. You’ve been there, done that many times, yet never once have you made out with someone in public because of it.

At one point of the night, while progressing towards the next point, you’ve noticed a couple of guards paying a little bit more attention than usual. The amount of security surrounding one piece of the corridor was enough information to understand that the sisters (or at least one of them) were in one of those rooms. Trying to play drunk and drugged was so far the best shot at being left alone, but it seemingly didn’t work this time, as one bulky man walked towards you. The sound of his voice was almost silenced by the deafening music playing in the background.

“I’m sorry this is a-”  

Suddenly, Juyeon pushed you against a wall. Big hands cupped your face, holding it so delicately, carefully, as if you were a rose made out of glass. Yet, his lips moved against yours with a hungry and lustful feeling, only breaking apart to catch a breath before continuing where interrupted. One of his hands trailed lower, hitching one of your thighs over his hips, earning a rather surprised and breathless gasp in return. Unfortunately, the guard wasn’t willing to cooperate.

“I’m sorry, you’ll have to leave this area” He yelled, voice unexpectedly high for a man his built. Juyeon chose to ignore the other, kisses now trailing underneath your jaw and over the tender skin of your neck, nipping but not strong enough to leave any marks.

Growing impatient and with an obvious pressure from his colleagues that bore holes into his back, the guard grabbed and  Juyeon’s bicep, effectively breaking the two apart. It took all of Juyeon’s mind strength not to turn around and break the man’s arm – that much was obvious from the sudden fire in his eyes.

“Leave” The bigger said, pointing back towards the direction you’ve came from. With glassy and hooded eyes, you watched the intimidating man, giving him a wide, forced smile. Pointing between the two guys, you started laughing, occasionally looking away and trying to suppress more giggles from spilling out. Juyeon caught onto the tactic and followed it, his shoulders rising and falling in a fast rhythm.

“I’m sorry~ we’ll goooo” Not wanting to create any unnecessary drama, you grasped Juyeon’s hand, leading the way while fake stumbling and force laughing the whole time. The male tried supporting you, and for a more authentic look, his own steps shortened and uneven.

“Drunk kids... I can’t bel..” Was all you’ve heard from the guard, before his voice blended in and disappeared in great noise that was an EDM beat.

°•. ✿ .•° °•. ✿ .•° °•. ✿ .•° 

Around one in the morning, when the night was reaching its peak, the two targets came out of their room. Despite other distractions, Juyeon and you spectated from a safe distance, dancing against each other for the nth time that night. As per usual, Yuri appeared high and out of her mind, while Aria dragged her towards a small terrace that overlooked the dance floor. There was a guard that followed behind.

“I guess it’s true that they’re giving a speech tonight... how eventful” With a sarcastic tone, Juyeon whispered in your ear. You looked up towards the terrace and hummed along to signal his words have been heard.

“There’s only one guard following, there must be more up there” He continued, head dipping low and lips caressing the exposed skin of your neck. Following the beat of the song, Juyeon moved one of his legs between yours, interested to see the reaction he’d get. His bold touches and moves intensified the unusual tension and sudden heat you already felt. The mission had to be done fast, since you weren’t sure how much more of this new, pleasurable torture you could take. Both were being pretty unprofessional, evidently forgetting about their main focus at times.This wasn’t at all like either of them.

“Taking them out up there is too risky anyway” You began, leaning your head back into the juncture of Juyeon’s shoulder, before speaking again, this time with a more teasing tone “Can’t guarantee that my idea is safe either, though. Are you up for the challenge?”

“Oh woah, don’t get too cocky on me now, baby” Blue replied, smirking when your head shot up to look him in the eyes. It faded fast, an eyebrow raising in a questionable manner, as if his words weren’t special and deserving of such a reaction. “Tell me. I get to hear the offer first before taking it, right?”

“You’re acting way too unprofessional. We’re here with a reason” You whined, suddenly wanting to distance away from the other, but a tight hold on your hips didn’t allow that.

“Me? Unprofessional? Maybe I’d believe that if you weren’t the one grinding down on my thigh” Juyeon bit back with a generous amount of confidence, the one that people carried themselves with when they were aware of being right. The colorful lights hid the immediate flush that overtook your features. A quick look to the right proved the man that his words definitely had an effect.  

“So? Are you going to tell me or let a chance slip away?”

°•. ✿ .•° °•. ✿ .•° °•. ✿ .•° 

Aria and Yuri laid dead inside a big closet, their necks snapped and heads hanging in an unnatural way. Juyeon and you once again happened to be the most compatible teammates, getting the job done and leaving the club before anyone suspected a thing.  

The time between leaving and present passed by in a blur and way too fast. Or maybe it didn’t, maybe it was just the power of Juyeon’s soft touches and hungry kisses that made you forget all about it.

Currently pressed against a cold brick wall a few streets away from the nightclub, you enjoyed the attention the man was offering. It all felt unusual and new, but not in a bad way. The wall temperature greatly contrasted the one of the body pressed against you, creating an unusual but pleasant combination. Juyeon’s lips rarely stayed on yours, often wandering down to your jaw and juncture of shoulder. This time though, he didn’t care about the marks, pink bruises now decorating the expanse of your neck. With hands in his dark blue strands, you pulled Juyeon closer, moving in just the right ways to allow more access to the soft and undamaged skin.

It wasn’t clear why both assassins gave in to the sudden want for each other. There were no evident emotions to back up their actions, just a strong need that had to be fulfilled with no one else but the other. Some could suppose it was the consequence of their blunt actions from before, while others may argue that it was something much more meaningful. A relatively new, exciting state of mind and experience that obviously didn’t have to happen, yet it did. A slipup so to say - or at least both hoped that it was.

“How can you be this hot after just murdering someone?” The man asked breathlessly, a quiet chuckle leaving his lips that formed a slight smile. His sharp eyes looked at yours with a new kind of emotion, something you weren’t able to pinpoint just yet. Juyeon’s deep but quick breaths matched yours, both trying to take in as much air as possible in a short period of time.

“What can I say, I’m a natural at keeping people around my finger” You raised a pinky up, playing along, voice low and seductive. Truly, there were missions that required acting flirty and playing dirty, therefore your charm has developed quite a lot. Still, what you tried implicating at was the situation from earlier that night, when all those men gathered around you. There was no reason to expect a reaction from the other. Juyeon’s expression quickly changed into something that resembled a frown, but it disappeared just as fast, not allowing any time to make any remarks about it.

Suddenly, the thigh that was once again positioned between your legs flexed, making you flinch and unwillingly whine. The man smirked, closing in the distance again, but not enough for yet another kiss.

“Should I be scared to become one of those people, then?” He whispered, irises playing between your eyes and lips that were just a breath away. The intimate proximity that went on for way too long happened to have a negative effect on you. Gradually, a pinch of doubt and hesitance began clouding your mind, scolding it for being too carefree next to the other. They reminded of just who the man was, and that the game currently played was a dangerous one. Without much thought, like a reflex, your hand moved quick, retrieving a pocket knife and pointing the tip at Juyeon’s barely covered stomach.

A gasp of sincere shock left the man’s lips, eyes opening wide, as he scanned your face. With an indifferent voice, but a slightly different mind, you spoke.

“I don’t know, should you?”

It was impressive to see how much effect people had on each other. Despite being busy with constant planning and thinking, there was always space in both heads to think about each other. Occasional pondering about his lips on hers, or her hands in his hair – all intensifying the anticipation for the next time.

Juyeon often found himself rushing missions because he knew the female wasn’t busy at the moment. Whenever passing by the familiar building and a certain room had even the slightest bit of light in it, the boy would invite himself over. It appeared that Juyeon risked much more than the other, and definitely much more than he should’ve.

Just out of pure skepticism that underlined every action, you never directly planned any of the meetings, rather letting the other barge in or set time and date. It was easy to catch onto his habits and when to expect a knock at your entrance door. For added security, weapons were kept in secretive places for quick use if the man ever decided to turn on you. And although fighting a never-ending battle inside of your mind, you grew to anticipate the hidden meetings. His kisses were spreading fire throughout your body, words messing with your mind and touches offering pure euphoria.

There were occasions when the two of you would meet at the rooftop, one always back from a mission while the other waited patiently. Sometimes, Juyeon’s hands still dripped fresh blood, the male not willing to waste any time on cleaning them before rushing towards you. It was a special feeling knowing that the fingers that used to do such horrifying things caressed your skin so delicately.

Slowly but surely, some type of understanding was established between the two. Then, the whole relationship wasn’t purely based on physical connection, and it meant much more than a way to satisfy hormonal human needs. Periodic talks about present worries and bothers, as well as thoughts on current events, allowed them to get to know each other better. Alas, the connection never reached its highest level, as numerous obstacles stopped them from reaching it – biggest being the female's constant hesitation.

Objectively speaking, Juyeon let himself open much more than the other did, always easy on bringing up topics to discuss about and contemplate on. He also shared much more information about himself, many of them being trivial and harmless things, but still something you stoically held back on. Of course, that didn’t mean you were silent during two-way conversations, just pickier about what you wanted to share.

Juyeon understood that, and he appreciated everything you’ve told him. That compassion was the foundation that will slowly build a more trusting and open relationship in the future. You valued his way of acting, enjoying harmless discussions and gradually getting used to having a companion who became a part of your almost daily life.

With a little bit of effort from both sides, everything was going to work, or at least you hoped. You encouraged every passing meeting, every second together, to hit the wall of reluctance with as much force as possible – still, unfortunately, it stood strong.

Blue and Red created purple during their nights together, merging with the beautiful melody of the storm that only grew bigger the closer it got.

Thanks to the impeccable weather, it was slightly challenging to get to the roof this time. However, with master level acting, fake politeness and a little bit of luck, you were able to avoid suspicion from the residents you passed by. Most definitely, and fortunately, not a single soul knew that there was a sniper rifle packed in a rather sizeable guitar bag you carried. Along with its components such as silencer, optical sight, bipod, additional ammunition...

Once on top of the building, you immediately unpacked the bag’s contents. First of was an expensive, albeit small door jammer that was installed straight away, effectively sealing the entrance you just walked through. Trying it a couple of times just to make sure, you deemed it impossible to open. Next was the sniper.

Having done such a thing countless times before, it didn’t take you long to properly set and load the weapon with a set of new bullets. The fresh smell of metal filled the small space around. Hiding behind a pile of rubbish, you set the bipod behind the cornice, muzzle and barrel pointing towards the road your target was supposed to appear on soon.  

Then, like a lightning, you immediately withdrew back, sniper pulled way behind and body pressing flush against the ground. There was a sudden feeling of being noticed and even watched, to which you were always quick to react. Keeping low for as long as time allowed, you dismounted the bipod as it only made advancing more difficult. Slowly but surely, you moved around, setting everything up on another corner with tall plants and flowers. The aim wasn’t as clear as before, but it wasn’t too big of a problem. Yet, despite the natural cover doing its job relatively well, the dangerous feeling was still present.

Taking a quick risk, you took off the current optical sight and mounted another, angled one, that allowed you to look around without being too exposed. Since you were on the 11th floor, on the tallest building in the area, there was no way someone could’ve noticed you from the roads down below. Glancing over them quickly just to make sure, the theory was deemed correct – no pedestrians had their heads raised up and looking in this exact direction.

Looking at the sky, you searched for drones or any other objects that could be supervising the area (as that unfortunately, did happen before and they had to be destroyed manually, via a gun). Thankfully, there were none, but instead of making you feel relieved, it only intensified the anxiety previously felt. Where was it coming from?

All you needed to get the desired answer, was an accidental glance over the roof of the building right across from yours. There, behind a pile of wooden planks, metal bars and all other unnecessary trash, you noticed a barely noticeable, but suspicious movement. Locking eyes on the exact spot and rolling the plastic on the sight, you zoomed in, getting a clearer image.  

Shockingly enough, there was a barrel peeking right between the two wooden planks, and it was pointed right at you.  

And then it quietly fired.

The bullet would’ve missed anyway, but thankfully, you moved down just in time, watching it penetrate the wall behind. Your heart leaped, pumping blood faster and kicking against your chest, almost as if it tried jumping out. Strange type of fear enveloped your body. It wasn’t fright for own life, rather unpleasant surprise that fueled thoughts of being outplayed. At this stage, you knew very little. Was it only one person? Were there more people? Were you cornered?

For whatever reason, the person on the other building continued firing, twice to be exact – yet both bullets hit the exact same spot as the first one. It didn’t make sense at all, but at least ir allowed keeping track of the opponent.

In a quick act, you moved, peeking just enough to expect to be fired at, but it never happened. Moving once again and receiving nothing in return, you positioned the sniper and looked through the sight for the nth time, trying to confirm if they were still on the same location. And that’s when you noticed.

A blue haired man peeking out, head cocked to the side, his sharp eyes and smirk offering a teasing, harmless expression.

Rage, disappointment and distrust overtook your body fast, blood boiling on a temperature higher than before. All emotions served as a strong reality check, a shot through the heart and mind, reminding of just who you were. They helped strengthen the invisible wall you were so desperately trying to weaken, ruining almost all of the progress made. Still, their consequences that will definitely leave a mark were your own fault and no one else’s.  

A drastic switch happened. While following Juyeon’s movements through the sight, you unconsciously aligned his head with the red dot in the middle. That person was suddenly someone who made you feel threatened, anxious, alarmed, and not the one who was supposed to help achieve change. You expected so much from him, yet all you currently felt was pure let down and anger. The inner battle was as hectic and loud as ever. A finger creeped up to the trigger, trembling as it came in contact with cold metal.  

Before the pull happened, your phone vibrated almost unnoticeably. It apparently did the right, desired trick, as it effectively broke the dangerous, fury-driven daze. With an audible sigh, you remembered who the actual target of the day was, aim moving downwards in a quick motion. Just as predicted and on time, a big black jeep turned the corner, driving into the street underneath you. Getting into a more comfortable position, you trailed the movement of the black vehicle.

First and only to come out of the car was the exact target. His appearance was immediately followed by two quick, (thanks to the silencers, somewhat) muffled gunshots, the bullets hitting just right. With two holes in his big shiny head, the man was sent falling down, momentarily holding onto the open door before faceplanting the cold concrete. Blood seeped out, painting the previously grey ground in a dark red, almost black color.

But the thing was, you only shot once.

Albeit caught off guard with the shocking realization, there was way too little time to get lost, every second more precious than the last one. Hurriedly, you deconstructed the sniper, pushing everything inside the guitar bag in a careless manner. When done, you moved towards the door and took the jammer off in record time before storing it inside the carriage as well.  

A quick glance was thrown in Juyeon’s direction, but unfortunately there was no sight of said man. For whatever reason, you were somewhat glad.

In a slow and relaxed manner, with calculated steps, you took the stairs again, making sure to appear just as natural and neutral as before. Thankfully, almost no one occupied the hallways. On the 5th floor, there were two elderly women happily boasting about their children, beside who you passed with a polite bow. You even smiled at them, but the expression was deemed unseen thanks to the black mask that covered your face.

Luckily, another semi-smooth mission was done with. You were out of the building and away from the scene in a couple of minutes, with no doubts about being seen or suspected. The only bothersome thing was the sudden change of feelings towards the blue haired man. A dangerous and slightly embarrassing switch could’ve had a very tragic outcome.

And of course, it wasn't worth missing out on the fact that for the first time, both had the same target.

You agreed on further meetings, although they were much different than those in the past. A drastic change in atmosphere was present from the first second, yet neither really wanted to comment on it. Despite being close physically, Juyeon didn’t feel warmth coming from you anymore, or at least not in the same amount as before. The male felt your body shiver under a cold gust of wind, but your skin didn’t feel any colder underneath his fingertips. When he tried offering you a jacket to cover up, you denied with a half-hearted smile.

It was unreasonably late, around three in the morning, which meant the city was at its calmest. There were less people on the streets than fingers on both hands and almost no apartments had their lights on. The moon was the most trustful source of light, its soft hues illuminating everything and making it more beautiful.

Nowadays, fewer words were exchanged as well. Silence was common, both bodies quietly cherishing what was left of a cracked relationship rather than trying to fix (or ruin?) it with meaningless talk. Leaned against the male’s shoulder, you tried forcefully letting go of tension to feel a piece of that carelessness that once existed between you. Truthfully, there was a willpower to continue fighting and experiencing the strange kind of joy, but there were so, so many obstacles. And most of them were created by you.

Neither had the explanation as to why this was still an ongoing thing, why neither gave up despite the little flame burning its last few seconds. No matter how long you searched for the answer, it just didn’t appear. A deep sigh resonated in a small bubble of space.

The biggest and constant bother was that invisible wall, still standing proud. Apparently, it grew taller and stronger every time you remembered the unfortunate event from two weeks ago. As time passed by, you became more skeptical, giving time and attention to thoughts you weren’t fond of. They whispered and laughed at a poor being for daring to experience something it wasn’t supposed to in the first place.

You didn’t even look Juyeon in the eyes anymore, always finding a nearby rock or wall crack a more attractive sight. Why? The fear of looking up and seeing no emotion in the man’s eyes was a fearful thought, mighty enough to forbid you from even trying. And why was it affecting you so much, why were you still holding onto it? You didn’t know.

Hell, your fucked-up mind was daring you to kill the man and he didn’t even know about it.

Juyeon, much like always, put more evident effort into the whole thing. It looked as if the male was aware of the trigger for this sudden stumble (not fall!), and was ready to give it his all to fix everything. Immense guilt was evident on his face, and if you looked up just once, you’d be able to read it off his beautiful features.

Despite your mental distancing and defiance, he never gave up transparently trying. You being there with him every night was all the hope Juyeon needed to continue. Even if you weren’t as willing to see him the next day, Juyeon would knock on your door. Even if you weren’t in the mood to talk, he’d ask a question about one of your favorite topics. The assassin wasn’t religious (and truthfully, how could he be?), but every night he’d pray for this tough period to end already. If for nothing else, then to have your eyes lock with his one last time.

Overall, these last few nights were a weird type of battlefield. Juyeon’s hand moved up to your shoulder, occasionally rubbing down your arm, hoping to feel just a bit of warmth there. You’d allow it, sighing and leaning into his hold, trying to, for the nth time, force a bit of feeling back.  

Either way, the two waited for a beautiful sunrise before disappearing in two different directions.

You should’ve believed the tension that thickened with each word the other said. You should’ve refused and backed out from this exact job when not even one person in the room appeared familiar. But it didn’t happen.

For the first time in an incredibly long time, the employers weren’t a part of a mafia or drug dealing gang. That much was disclosed, with a rude comment that it wasn’t your job to know anything more about them, anyway. It had your blood boiling and eyes squinting suspiciously, irises locking down every of the five men present.

Their detailing about the job that had to be done was just as, if not more, brief. Not believing that someone expected you to work properly with just three sentences of information, you asked a couple of times to have them repeated. Every time, the leader of the group sighed louder, eyes rolling back in an over-exaggerated manner, before turning around and giving a knowing look to the man beside. Were they joking around with you?

When asked about the basis behind this assassination, in hope of getting at least a little bit of early lead on who you’re dealing with, the man offered nothing useful in return. Instead of giving a proper reason, or at least putting effort into making a believable story up, he threw something senseless right at your face. Upon asking how you’re supposed to work without knowing how the target looks like, they replied with:

“They’ll be the only ones there, guaranteed. It's just a little game of hide and seek... with a twist. Isn’t that exciting?”

You were spared the detail that the target was just as (if not more,) experienced than you at these “murder plays”, and they demanded huge amounts of caution. Three main points were specified, the address, time and the fact that this was an extremely dangerous mission. The legitimacy of that information remained unknown, as they once again failed to give a coherent explanation. Despite the last point serving as a warning, you suddenly weren’t given a chance to back out.  

“Excuse me?” You said, disbelief all but dripping from those two simple words. “You’re sending me against another assassin, did I connect the dots correctly?”

“You’re a smart one”

“I don’t want to work on this case” You denied, getting ready to leave, when the other cleared his throat.

“We want this person taken out at any cost, and we particularly chose you for it. In the end, we did hear quite a lot of positive reviews... therefore you seem to be the right person, no?” The man tried flattering you, but his voice was laced with venom, lips moving slowly to form an unnatural, wicked grin. He wasn’t looking at you with fake friendliness anymore, rather an emotion that could soon turn dangerous.

“That doesn’t matter to me, I have the right to not accept the job. My signature is not yet written on the papers” A small pile of documents resting on the table was pointed at, endless rows of black text only missing a simple name written in ballpoint pen. The other chuckled lightly, gaze turning threatening in a blink time as he lifted a blue pen and spun it around his thick fingers.

“That’s easily dealt with” The weight of his words hit immediately, a shocking situation that you’re dealing with for the first time. There was no training for this and lack of experience was making you a nervous mess.  

Shuffling body mass from one leg to the other, your eyes remained on the ground, hands anxiously intertwining. There was nothing that came to mind that would help the current position, and you wondered what all of this was about. No one has ever forced you into working for them, much less threatened to sign the contract in your name.

The man chuckled once again, saying nothing but thinking a lot. This was it, they had you.

“Don’t you want this?” Another male spoke, his frame moving from the doorway and opening a black suitcase on the table. The carriage itself probably cost a fortune, as it was made of expensive leather, and the mouth-watering amount of money inside was as alluring as ever. It would probably be the best paid work ever. Still, you managed to look up from the bills and into the leader’s eyes with strong confidence.

“Does it even matter? You’re forcing me to do it anyway” The words barely made it past your tongue, their weight way too heavy. The freedom you had while working was something greatly cherished (for a lack of better words), and it was suddenly taken away. It almost felt as if nothing was in your power anymore. Fearful shivers ran down your spine.

“Well then, glad we got that behind ourselves. Sign here”

The whole process of sealing the deal was done in a matter of seconds. Your signature was scribbled in the ugliest way possible, and the pen was thrown to the other side of the room as a form of protest. The weak plastic broke due to the force of impact, the ink painting a patch of white wall blue. Turning around to leave, you stomped with heavy steps, glaring at each and every male in the room for the last time. Then, one step away from the doorway, you heard it.

Your name. Your real name.

The one no one ever used.

“Good luck, you’ll need it”

The door closed behind in a loud thud, not allowing you enough time to properly react. Just once your face hit the fresh air, did the heaviness of the decision fall upon your body. What have you done? Who were those people and why did they refuse to introduce themselves?  

Doubts filled your head – were your employers suddenly against you? Were they suddenly hyperaware of your knowledge, or scared that you’ll turn to the other side, become their enemy? Was this actually a ploy made to get you out of the game? The thought made you gulp audibly; wondering if but knowing that it was too late to turn around and tear the contract paper into thousands of pieces.

There’s also no way ditching the mission came into discussion. With the way they acted, god only knew if each and every step of yours was watched on. Holy shit.

The walk home was a long one, not particularly because time passed by slow, but because you purposely chose the longer path. Eyes filling with tears, your reaction was one of pity. Reaching up to brush the watery substance away from the corner of your eyes, you looked at the shiny finger. This was the first time in a long while that something managed to bribe out the emotion of grief. And for the first time ever, it was for no one else but yourself.

Tiny rocks sounded under your shoes just quietly enough to not ruin the perfect sneak up. The sky was grey, thin but overlapping clouds blocking sun from coming your way. Luckily, it meant you could move with more freedom, not having to worry about unnecessary shadows and their power to ruin cover.

The first abandoned building you were heading towards was huge, with main walls almost completely ruined. Chunks of concrete, bricks and other unnecessary trash created stable cover that you’d usually be thankful for, yet now dreaded.  

This was the exact address you were given, but the trick was that it happened to be a whole wide field with two abandoned buildings. On top of that, the opponent’s identity was still unknown, therefore you had no knowledge of who to look for and where. For all you knew, they could already be in position and aiming right at your head. “It’s just a little game of hide and seek, with a twist”. Instinctively, you ducked behind the nearest tree, feeling the heart strengthen its beats. Carefully and in calculated pace, the advance towards the entrance was continued.

There was a huge hole in the ceiling of every floor. It reached all the way up to the destroyed rooftop, almost as if something heavy fell from above and demolished the concrete surface. With back pressed flush against a piece of wall that still stood strong, you took a deep breath and reached down for a favorite of weapons, your trusted knife.

Suddenly, there was a strange type of noise coming from an unknown direction, resonating throughout the whole building. In the midst of a less careful and more panicked moment, while trying to retrieve the blade, it sliced through the delicate flesh of your calf. A quietly yelp of pain escaped your lips, hand immediately stretching to press on the wound. The feeling of blood running down your leg was accompanied by burning pain, and you tried ignoring it while climbing up the stairs.

Thanks to the special soft soles of the boots, your steps weren’t heard over the hard ground. They also didn’t put much force on your calf, therefore the advance to the 1st and 2nd floor went by almost without a problem. Occasionally, due to a bad step, the wound would reopen, another flow of blood quick to rush out along with a thousand silent curses.

The doorways on both floors were as demolished as the rest of the building, preventing anyone from walking through and forcing you to move up to the 3rd. Dodging and crouching down at places where you’d be exposed to the outside, you all but crawled up.

The third floor seemed different; way less disintegrated than the rest. Once there, you looked around and through the now available doorway. The corridor was very long, filled with wooden planks that once resembled doors leading to empty rooms. On the other side, about fifty meters away, there was another stairway, much like the one you took just now.

Alas, despite the burn in your calf, there was suddenly that alarming feeling of being watched.

Immediately ducking behind cover, you gripped the knife tight and took a few deep but quick breaths, planning the next move. Someone was definitely in there, and the rapid heartbeat was making sure you were constantly aware of it.

The feeling gradually subdued the more time passed by. You looked around attentively, once again taking notice of the still gaping hole on the ceiling. There was no one watching you through it though, so the trigger must’ve been from either outside or down the hallway. Remembering the noise from earlier, you completely crossed out the possibility of them being outside.

Which of course, wasn’t in your favor at all.

Peeking out just so the top of the head showed, you tried bribing out shots or any kind of attack from the other – something that would indicate where they were located. Receiving nothing in return was slightly confusing, but it also offered a pinch of hope. Maybe they moved, which meant you had a chance to sneak up behind them, or maybe they’re just hiding, which meant it could all go down very fast.

With a hurt leg that was slowly growing numb, there wasn’t a lot of time you had left before retreat was necessary. And never once did that happen. Therefore, trying to protect pride and get this done just to never see those nasty men again, you tried winging it. Pressing the wound one last time, you whispered a prayer before taking off through the open doorway.

There was just enough cover to move around in semi-safety, back turned towards one of the walls. Your eyes perceptively scanned every corner, every pile of rocks which could offer any type of protection. Occasionally, ignoring the pain, you’d jump inside one of the rooms to your right, hoping to catch the other off guard. The knife in your hands was gripped tight, leather handle shining slightly due to a thin layer of sweat coating it.

Tension was as high as ever, air becoming thick to an almost suffocating degree. For the first time, you felt undoubtedly scared. Your mind was clouded with a thousand racing thoughts, all of which only intensified the sensation of panic. The more time passed, the more your eyes aimlessly wandered around empty spaces, growing more tired and unable to notice possibly important details.

The amount of blood you lost was probably in the red zone, moving around becoming more challenging with every step. Still, doing the best possible job was always a requirement, therefore you used last spurts of strength to enter the 2nd to last room in the long hallway.

Once again met with a different terrain, you immediately noticed a demolished doorway, connecting the room to the one right beside. Upon quickly deeming the current room safe, you crouched down, sneaking towards the linking point. As if sensing danger, you patiently waited a couple of moments, trying to breathe as quietly as possible. If not for the protective leather handle, the blade would’ve sliced through your hand due to the impossibly strong grip.

Someone on the other side coughed. A curse followed right after.  

Both moved rapidly, reaching out for the other through the doorway.

You were held at gunpoint, jaw feeling the pressure of a cold muzzle on it, while a strong hand grabbed your hair, pulling it back. Your own hands grabbed the other’s collar, tugging down while holding the thin, sharp blade against their most sensitive point, Adam’s apple.

Neither moved.

Blue watched Red with surprised eyes, irises playing inside the broad space of dark brown. Your gaze tried locking the man down, scanning those beautiful features while still avoiding his sharp eyes. Unexpectedly, a weak wave of emotion hit, bringing back a piece of what you wanted for a very long time. There was a slight urge to reach out and caringly caress his sharp cheeks, cup his jaw and kiss his lips.

But there was a gun pressed against your skin, and a knife against his.

And neither moved.

The war started. Horrid battles began and ripped your heart piece by piece. Everything was on the line and an indecisive mind was as dangerous as ever. The realization that this man, despite everything that happened, was the last person you wanted to harm, hurt the most. It was the quick moment of reminisce about the old times, when everything was just starting. He was the only one who gauged new, thrilling, pleasant emotions and made them feel like they’re exactly what you needed. And it was the truth.

But the weight of the weapon on your jaw reminded of the not-so-bright moments as well. A flashback of the day you were teasingly shot at sent shivers down your spine, feelings of pure anxiety and fear coming back in an instant. Rightfully so, they were strong and rivaled the positive ones, trying to outweigh them and take control over your next actions. The man was still someone who dared pull the trigger on you, dared taking that type of unpredictable risk.  

If he dared pull it again, you dared slit his flawless, soft skin. But embarrassingly enough, you’d never have enough strength to be the first one, no matter how impulse-driven. Harming him definitely was your last wish. The thought of it even being a possibility made your eyes water, tears welling up and falling like never before, straining your soft cheeks.

Juyeon’s heart ached as well. Sadly, it opposed two separate and strong thunders. The first one hit hard, touching the intimate topic of his feelings towards you. It wasn’t a secret that you’ve changed him as well. In a word of gloom, blood and violence, you made everything disappear and instead of war, brought peace to his mind. Most of the time, it was enough for Juyeon to know that you were there, and every worry would fade away. The mutual understanding was then something he grew accustomed to and happy for. The male didn’t feel like he didn’t deserve attention anymore.

But what hit even harder was the fact that Juyeon was aware of your current thought process, and the guilt once again ate him away, bite by bite.

Carefully, the grip on your hair was released, gloved hand reaching up, thumb wiping a falling tear. Rough material nearly scraped your skin, a frown appearing on the other’s face almost immediately. Juyeon bit down on the glove, taking it off before placing his hand back on your warm cheek. The act made your eyes water even more, lips trembling and throat constricting to stop loud whimpers from escaping.

Still, the weapons didn’t move.

“Juyeon” You suddenly whined, finally finding strength to say his name. Lightheadedness was slowly overtaking your whole body, vision blurring fast. The pain in your leg although still present was long forgotten. Every letter carried huge weight, every taken breath felt like the last and you wondered if taking that bullet hurt any less. Unconsciously, your hand began shaking, resulting in the thin blade moving against the man’s delicate skin. It wasn’t enough to hurt, but Juyeon visibly and audibly gulped under the metal.

“They... they set us up to kill each other, Juyeon” The realization hurt like a sudden kick to the gut. It was supposed to happen sooner or later. All suspicions you weren’t willing to think about came out to be true and the terror spread through your body in a strong wave. Everything made sense – why those men weren’t willing to introduce themselves, why refusal wasn't an option and why no proper explanation was given to you. They were aware that if you knew even one of those things, you wouldn’t have dared to show up in the first place.

Or would you? Would they be able to push just the right buttons and play with your mind as they were right now?

You were set to break apart.

Do it. Don’t do it. Do. Don’t. Past and present were clashing together, habits and new found emotions. For the first time in a while, you felt somewhat disgusted with your job. Yet, the wheels were turning, reminding that you’ve been doing this for years and now was no time to give up under the pressure. It was so, so easy to end this all, much like hundred times before. Swallow down the hard feeling and contractions of your heart, cut through like you’re used to. Emotions were just an accident, an error in the system of a machine.

All this time though, Juyeon’s hand remained on your cheek, and only now was it only noticeable that he wasn’t holding you in place. The muzzle of the gun wasn’t as strong on your jaw as it was before. Juyeon wasn’t going to actively fight or harm you either, that much was clear. This had to end somehow, and the male was about to use his last possible chance.

“Look at me” The voice he said it with was soft, but underlined with a certain type of authority. For whatever reason, as if under a spell, your eyelids opened, irises immediately locking on his.

And then it all crashed down.

All the doubts and hesitation were immediately gone. Your hand moved, putting pressure on the weapon for just a quick moment before letting go completely. Heavy blade fell onto the ground with a loud and high-pitched noise, one that echoed throughout the whole building. The invisible wall was no more.

At the same time, Juyeon released the gun, hefty metal hitting concrete with just as loud of a thud. When the pressure disappeared and the current situation processed properly, your body went numb. Legs giving out, you almost collapsed on the ground. Luckily, Juyeon managed to catch you just in time. The male lowered the smaller body onto the ground, holding it carefully.

Your head hung low; eyes wandering all around the room, but not focusing on one spot. This was the first mission you’ve ever failed and the fear of possible consequences was scary.

Juyeon’s hands enveloped your face, just holding it firmly. Neither had an obvious cheerful expression, but there was a lack of certain something that made both seem more at ease. He caressed the soft skin, examining your face that was blank of any emotion. It was the moment of complete calm.

Upon focusing on the man, you noticed a clear red line just underneath his Adam’s apple. Instinctively, you reached out, running a smooth finger over it and listening to Juyeon’s strained hiss. A new wave of tears welled up in your eyes, yet the other was quick to wipe it away.

“Can you listen to me?” He questioned, with a gaze that suddenly turned more serious, albeit none the less caring. The breathing rhythm was slow and deep, almost as if he was trying to calm down in the fastest way possible. With a slight nod, you replied, hoping to keep enough consciousness to listen until the end.

“Let’s escape this hell” You would’ve definitely reacted greatly to the proposition, if it weren’t for the lack of energy in your body. Instead, the reply was a simple, perplexed look, a result of not quite processing what was talked about.

“Escape, disappear, perish, they’ll never know. They’ll never find us because... because they’ll think we’re dead. Isn’t that what they wanted? To wipe us off the list?” The tone Juyeon used was a hopeful one, as if the man already had everything planned and was ready to go right this second. And maybe, just maybe, that was the case.

“We’ll move countries and get new identities – I have a couple of friends that could and will help us with that. We’ll start a new life away from... away from all of this, because we can’t stay” Gradually, his words became more rushed, too many thoughts and too little time to wrap them up. “We can’t go back. They’ll kill us themselves, you know that, right?”

Juyeon was right. In the planned scenario, one of you was supposed to die today, while the other would’ve been finished off upon reporting the case. You’ve thought about it many times, making up scenarios and trying to find a way to get out of them. No one has ever trained you in that field or shown any ways of dealing with it, and there was an exact, fucked-up reason for it.

“Or we could just...” His eyes wandered off to the two weapons lying on the ground, tears welling up fast. There’s no way that was the only other option, yet...

For a moment, you glanced at the objects as well, not out of interest, but pure disgust. Just a mere thought of what could happen made your stomach twirl and heart hurt. Turning around to look at the other, you noticed a teardrop that made it down his jaw. Wiping it off gently, you smiled, speaking in a low and calm whisper.

“No... no. Let’s... let’s go. Let’s disappear together, wherever that takes us, Juyeon” The mind finally accepted the sudden feelings that were no longer confined and hidden. The imaginary, but nonetheless strong, cage and restrictions were no more. You finally felt proper euphoria of freedom.

Speechless, but immensely happy, that’s what Juyeon was in that exact moment. His chest abruptly wasn’t enough space for the organ that beat at an incredible pace, with new-found strength. Tightening his hold, the male pulled you towards his chest, into a first, proper hug. Your hands sneaked around his body, trying to squeeze as hard as possible and relish the beautiful moment. In such an intimate position, it was possible to feel that exact excited heartbeat of the male.

After a long period of comfortable silence, you quietly spoke into his chest, “Please piggyback me... wherever... I don’t think I can walk”  

“Oh my god, you’re hurt?!” Juyeon noted in an alarming tone, eyes immediately scanning your body and finally noticing a streak of red liquid on the concrete underneath your leg. He loudly cursed at himself for not seeing it earlier, hand reaching down to press on the wound. Although not fresh, it still gushed out more blood, earning another hiss from you.

“Yeah, no shit mister... fuck be careful! I wouldn’t go all baby... and soft on you if I... I didn’t feel like fainting. You were lucky today” You bit back jokingly, trying to keep the light atmosphere that was slowly coming down its high. Juyeon’s head shook at that, a quiet ‘you’re not in position to speak like that’ passing through his barely parted lips. A pair of hands worked fast on tying a thin jacket around your calf to stop further bleeding.  

“How?” He asked, confused but curious at the same time.

“I’d rather not talk about it” Your head turned away from the other, irises locking onto one of many holes on the wall. The male chuckled at that, checking the knot before standing up with knees half bent. He helped you stand up and climb up on his back, strong arms instantly gripping the back of your thighs.

“Bet you hurt yourself, clumsy”

“Yeah, bet”  

With a loud, content sigh, your head lowered onto Juyeon’s back, eyes closing as you finally drifted off to sleep. There, on the closed, but broad battlefield, the two warriors accepted their faith. They made up their minds for a different future, something neither were sure how to approach, but were more than ready to experience together. A future that didn’t revolve around blood, murder and secrecy, one that would allow both to heal and live their lives breathing properly.

Quatervois, a heavy change no one expected. A decision made fast, but a result of long, aimless thought and experience. And some may say this was deemed to happen sooner or later, but was it? If things were just slightly different...  

Guess we would never know.

AN: well... here it is? truthfully speaking, i’m very satisfied with this work, and i love every piece of it, but it has been giving me so much stress oh my god... writing has taken me so much time because i tried so hard to make it perfect and i really hope reading almost 22k of this was worth it, and that you’ve enjoyed it. at some parts, i’ve maybe focused on the main female character too much, but i think that to understand her character, it’s important to have an in-depth point of view. i’d really appreciate it (to the moon and back) if you guys could leave feedback for this one. thank you so so so much for reading, have a good day <3

[3arzal]

sincerity is scary (part 1)

nathan mackinnon / reader

3,200+ words (for this part at least)

friends to lovers. this turned out angstier than i originally planned in my head um...

warning for swearing

author’s note: many months ago, i said i was done with writing, then i clowned myself. this is the first time i’m writing an x reader type of fic because i used to write kpop bg pairings so idk how decent this will be lol. anyway, this is a highly personal and self-indulgent fic and something i’ve wanted to write for a very long time. to all my fellow hopeless-romantic tomboys out there waiting for their turn in love, this one goes to you. i said i was content with reading fics because i’m too lazy to write but oh well fucking shit.

Your first memory including Nate was his fourth birthday party. It was a memory that makes you smile come a time that you think about it while spacing out. You remember it vaguely, but all the details don’t even matter. You remember sitting next to him at the big table as he blows his cake. There’s a picture of that somewhere in the photo albums in your parents’ house. You remember being the new kid in the neighbourhood, but you lived next to the MacKinnon’s. Even if Nate had a few friends from nursery, you eventually became his best friend. You were a shout away from him and all the details don’t matter, because until now that you’re both twenty five, you’re still the bestest of friends even if you lived in different American states--him in Colorado and you finally landing your dream job in New York City.

It was a special friendship that had been rock solid for twenty one years. You know he has a lot of people in his life now being the NHL superstar that he is. You know he considers some of the guys and some of his teammates as his best friends as well. All of that did not bother you to say the least. It was okay, because he was meant for great things and you were there to witness him achieve everything he longed and wished for since you were kids. You know you will always have a place in his heart, and him in yours, because that’s what best friends do, right? They’re each other’s biggest support system, away or together.

You were there in all of his home games, you spent almost all of your childhood with him in the rink, he gladly participated in any hobby you had at the time, and most of all, he made sure that if he had free time, it was all yours. You couldn’t ask for a better best friend and neither can he.

Now, as you sit in front of him in a hotel restaurant in the middle of Aspen at his birthday dinner on a trip he insisted you two take before the pre-season starts, you stare at him in part-shock-part-confusion as he lays his heart out on the table with a confession you did not see coming at all: “I guess I’ve been in love with you all this time.”

-

Now, see, you have always been Nate’s tomboy best friend. You were the girl who played hockey with him when you were kids and the girl who skateboarded all throughout middle school. You were the girl no guy has ever looked at like that, because you were different from all the pretty blondes and skinny girls and conventionally female specimen that boys would usually like. It didn’t bother you, not until high school anyway, when you finally crushed on some other guy that wasn’t in yours and Nate’s friend group. It was the biggest infatuation of your life so far, and when you realized he’ll never look at you like how he looks at the girls who wear skirts and tank tops, you gave up on even trying to feel.

“Are you seriously looking at skirts?” You remember Nate asking you one time you were both in the mall and he caught you lingering around skirts. You were both sixteen at the time, and he just got back from his morning hockey practice. You looked down on your usual oversized tee and baggy pants and your favorite pair of tattered Vans and thought, yeah, how can you even choose to wear a skirt willingly? It didn’t offend you or anything, his question was purely out of curiosity and not one of judgment. 

You shrugged at him, “Don’t you think it’s about time I dress more girly? I’m turning seventeen soon, and I still haven’t had a boyfriend.” 

“I dunno, you dress fine to me.” Nathan said then, and then it hit you--if Nate says you look fine then other people’s opinion shouldn’t even matter. He was your bestest friend, and you trust him because you have to. You should. But he’s still a guy, and you’re a teenage girl who’s becoming more self-conscious as the days go by because that’s how life goes when you’re sixteen and hormonal. You shrug it off, though, because looking pretty was the least of your concerns anyway.

The following year, you get asked out on a date by one of the guys you went to middle school with. He was decent, and you were consistently talking to him and hanging out the past summer. He made you laugh and he became such a charmer since you last met him when you were pre-pubescent kids. It was your first date ever, and a week before you were highly stressing out on what you should wear, on what you should do, because you were seventeen and had no experience being with someone other than, lo and behold, Nathan. 

He was away from you now, doing his hockey thing and being great, but phone calls were still consistent between the two of you, and after stressing out for two whole hours trying to rummage the internet for Tips On How To Nail Your First Date, you finally give up and whine to him over the phone.

“Him? You’re going on a date with him? Wasn’t he like...a wimpy kid back then or something?” His voice is tired on the other line. His team lost tonight, and you know he’s frustrated about it, but he doesn’t really talk to you about it because he chooses not to. You’re going to change that soon because you know he’s too hard on himself when he loses. He knows you’re there to listen if he wants to whine, but for some reason he never talks about a loss with you anymore. Not like he used to back when you were younger and you still lived near each other. 

“Nathan, be nice.” You rarely call him Nathan because to you he has always been Nate. It means you’re dead serious right now. You mess up your short hair and stare at all the possible clothing options you’ve laid out on your bed. It’s mostly t-shirts, the ones that are close to your actual size, and then you realized you have no jeans that actually fit because all of them are baggy ones.

“Wow, she’s calling me Nathan. Who’s that guy?” He calls from the other line. His speech is turning more slurry, like he’s already falling asleep but trying hard to fight it. “But seriously, why do you need to dress up, anyway? Your clothes are fine.”

“You’re not a girl, you wouldn’t understand.” You tell him in a moment of miniscule irritation--not with him, but with yourself, because it then hits you: you want to impress this guy. You want to appear different for him, because it’s  your first ever date, and finally someone’s looking at you and making you feel pretty--like a girl. “Oh my god…” You croak after spacing out, and you jump a bit when you hear Nate through the speaker phone, forgetting that he’s still on the other line.

“What’s wrong?”

“Holy shit. I just realized I’m finally trying to get in touch with my girly side. Seventeen years too late for that.” You snort at how ridiculous you’re being, at how silly this whole situation is because you’ve never tried to change who you were before attraction came in the way. You realized you were turning into a woman without knowing it, and it’s not really bothersome because you are a woman. It’s just something different from what you’re used to growing up even if you were no stranger to it having an older sister who is undeniably more female than you. Nate didn’t have any problem that you have a vagina but can also beat up any guy who picks on you for being such a tomboy. Nate loved it when you played hockey with him even if he beat you every time. He loved watching you skate, cackles when you fall down, but gets concerned as he should when you get scrapes and bruises. He’s fine with what you are--with the way you dress, the way you project yourself to people, the way you’re not just any other girl. You’re his best friend and he loves you just as you are.

You remember that time at the mall last year when you were looking at those skirts, you remember what he told you back then, and then you remember why it doesn’t matter what you wear on a date. If any other people can’t handle you the way that you are then they don’t really have to matter to you, too.

The date approaches and you give up, thinking if this guy talks to you and even ended up asking you out he should accept you as you are, right? 

You’re wrong, because three dates in all he ever did was subtly criticize everything you did. He was trying to groom you into the girlfriend you can never be for him, and that appalled you so much and hurt you at the same time. You think he’d be one of the few guys who’ll understand that as much as you want to, you can’t really change who you are for someone else.

Nathan was livid. “Fuck that guy. He’s nuts.” He crackles through one of your nightly phone calls. “He’s ugly, he sounds like a rat, and I bet he smells like--”

“Okay, enough.” You chuckle at his frustration despite feeling down the past few days post ‘break-up’. “It’s okay, really, but I’m not that girl for him.”

“You’re not. You’re like leagues cooler than him, anyway.”

“Damn right I am.”

-

In the following years as he started his NHL career in Colorado, and with you moving to New York for your job, you’ve only seen him a handful of times although the Facetimes were still consistent. The time difference was there, and even if your calls only lasted about ten minutes or so as you both caught up with your lives, it was enough. You didn’t need two hours with him on the phone, because yours and Nate’s friendship was as solid as an asteroid crater on land. It could be two years since you’ve last spoken to one another and when you do see each other again it’s like nothing has changed. You’re grateful for it, because with you having a new life in NYC and him making a home out of Denver, he’s still the one piece of Cole Harbour you have anywhere you go. 

You forget about dating as you focus on your job. You love it, and you love living in New York. You’ve made friends that you can already consider as family. You have a great life ahead of you and you know it. You watch Nate’s games when he’s in town. You meet him back home in Canada when you managed to get a week off from work. Life is good and steady. For a while you thought that the happiness you managed to find will last a long time, and it did...until it didn’t. That’s when you realized. 

-

Nate gets a girlfriend. Her name is incredibly girly and she’s fucking beautiful. 

The Facetimes and phone calls were less now, has been for the last couple of months, really, but that did not bother you at all because they were having a fantastic season and you understand his job comes first. 

What hurt you though was how he just dropped the news like a bomb through text. And you two never ever texted. You didn’t even get a scoop that he was seeing someone, never even mentioned anyone when you two manage to sneak in calls in between your busy schedules. It’s on a sad and dull Friday night when you were sulking on your couch because nobody was available to hang out with you to get a drink when the text comes.

‘Guess I have a gf now lol. Her name’s __’ Attached is a picture of her seated across from Nate on what appears to be a restaurant. 

You sit up in alarm, your heart beating a mile per second, followed by a heavy ache in your chest. You don’t know what to feel yet you’re feeling everything all at once--surprise, confusion, anger. The happiness is questionable. You sit there for a whole five minutes staring at the very random text when the text bubble appears on the screen.

‘You know it says when you’ve read my message ryt’

You don’t really know and you don’t really care right now. You want to yell at him and demand details, but you’re really confused as to why he’s texting when he usually just calls you. It was eight in the evening when you decided to sleep away the dull ache in your chest and that heavy heart of yours. You turn your phone on silent as you put it inside the drawer of your bedside table.

The following day you wake up at noon. You instinctively reach for your phone on the bedside table when your hands come up with nothing--and then you remember where you put it the previous night. You didn’t dare check it, though, because the moment you wake up you know the ache is still there. You remember those damn texts, you remember everything you’ve felt as you lie in your bed for hours when your mind and body refuses to shut down.

You skip breakfast because you weren’t really hungry, so you do your laundry instead. It leads to you cleaning your bathroom, and then that leads to cleaning your entire apartment, and when you managed to finish it was almost four in the afternoon. You were too tired to cook, so you munch on cereal. You chug several bottles of water after when you realize you haven’t had any the entire day. You take a quick shower. You switched on Netflix on your flatscreen and you managed to finish two movies. You stare blankly on the rolling credits as you feel your mind shut down. You’ve managed to avoid thinking about Nate and his new girlfriend for the entire day, and now that it’s evening again you feel every damn feeling come back. You finally decide to check on your phone. 

Fifteen messages and ten phone calls all from Nate. Funny how that turned out. You check some more and there were texts and a few calls from your sister and from a few friends from back home. You check that out first, and you were surprised that they all seem to ask you the same damn thing: You okay? Where are you? Nate texted me saying you weren’t answering your phone.

Ten phone calls left unanswered. 

Then you finally get to his messages:

‘Why you leaving me on read?’

‘Heyyyyyy’

‘y/n…..!!!!!!!!!’

‘I’m getting worried wtf’

‘Y u aint answering meeeee’

‘I’ve called five times!!’

‘TEN times!’

‘Are you okay?’

‘Holy shit where the hell are you’

‘Don’t joke with me like this I’m fucking serious answer your phone’

‘Even your sister can’t reach you’

‘What’s happening? Are you at a party and drunk off your ass in some dark alley in nyc?’ 

‘Jesus i don’t even know your friends there i can’t contact anyone to check on you’

‘Just please call me back asap. I’m fucking worried bc you always have your phone with u’

‘Hope you’re okay’ 

It’s kinda funny how he stopped trying, because you haven’t been on your phone the entire day as well and there weren’t any follow up texts or calls this day. You don’t know when the bitterness settled in but now you finally know what you feel and you feel bad that you’re feeling that way. Why are you reacting this badly? You don’t even know, but to calm his dramatic ass down you finally reply to him.

‘Sorry lol im sick i’ve been asleep and weak the whole day’

You jump on the call that lights up your screen immediately and you panic while thinking of ways to sound sick.

“Hey…”

“Jesus fucking christ.” Is how he greets you. “I’ve been worried sick the whole day.” You suppress a snort because you don’t know how true that is. “You okay?”

“Not really…” You try to croak. “Got a raging fever.”

“How long? Maybe you should go to the hospital. Don’t you have someone who can drive you?”

“Unlike you, I don’t have someone.” Is what slips out of your mouth before you can even think about it. You gasp at your own display of bitterness because that sounded harsher than you intended. You know he means well, and of course you know that he knows you have many friends in the city. He wasn’t specifically pointing out a boyfriend, but you sure are making things big. Stupid fucking bitterness. Stupid fucking jealousy. You tried to deny it, but when you’re close to crying over your best friend getting a girlfriend that he apparently hid from you, then you know what it really is after all. 

His silence is deafening and it’s the first time you’ve ever felt awkward with him and you’re not even together in the same damn place.

As the silence stretches on, you hear a voice in the background call out. “Nate? You coming to bed?”

And you beat him before he can voice out a reply to her, or to you. “I’m fine. I can take care of myself. You should go, I’m hanging up. Catch ya later.”

You don’t ‘catch up’ with him, not for another three days, and even then it’s still through text. Your last phone call had been two weeks prior to his girlfriend revelation. You tell him you’ve recovered from your (fake) fever and that you’ve been busy with work you missed. He tells you about his schedules and games and the new guy who’s recently traded to the Avs. There wasn’t another phone call for weeks to come and it’s weird not hearing his voice for more than a month. 

You’ve finally managed to put your jealousy aside as you try to ignore that, yes, you’re probably in love with Nate without you even knowing. Over the weeks that passed you’ve come to a very, very annoying realization that the reason why you don’t and can’t date is because no one will even compare to Nate. You’ve managed to put him on a pedestal when you really shouldn’t have but it’s hard when he’s the best guy you’ve ever known. He’s the only guy who understands you and knows you inside out. He has no judgement for who you are. He was the one you shared your entire life with and no one of the opposite gender will probably solidify himself on you as Nate did. You think life has been okay because it’s you and him against the world even if you’ve been long distance for a long time now. Him not telling you about this girl from the beginning really, really hurt you more than it should, but you will come to realize it’s the wake-up call you badly needed.

You’re fucking in love with Nathan MacKinnon and that scares you.

[arsonistslut]

Chapter 9: Reminders of Tragedy

"Hey, Jane!"

"Hey, Ingrid! How is my favorite person in the world?"

Jane's girlfriend of a good 9 years now happily walked over and kissed her on the cheek, beaming as she always seemed to do whenever she looked at her lover.

"Amazing now that you're here. Hey, you wanna go to that party Randy's having at his house tomorrow?"

"He's having a party? I didn't figure him the partying type."

"Despite the whole business parents thing, he is a real party animal. Hey, you know what's weird about the party?"

"What is?"

"He invited that Jeff guy there..y'know, that creep with the Conduct Disorder?"

She gestured to the tall, dark clothed young adult that sat alone at a lunch table nearby, playing with a switchblade.

"Hey, I remember him being pretty nice.."

"Remember him? You two date at some point?"

"We did, actually, wayyyy back."

Jane smirked when she saw the look of surprise and pride on Ingrid's face when she realized she guessed right.

"What was he like?"

"He was a sweetheart. Cheesy, but a sweetheart. Hell, even cheesier than me."

"Jane, you've carved our names into multiple trees. There's no out-cheesing that."

"Oh, you wouldn't believe how we met, either. My dad was out mowing the lawn, and he accidentally ran over a rock and it hit Jeff in the head."

"Oof, that sounds bad.."

"I visited him in the hospital with my parents one time, and I will never forget what he said to me as a pick-up line."

"What did he say?"

Jane cleared her throat, before trying her darndest to do an impression of a young Jeff.

"Did you come from heaven? Because you look like an angel!"

Ingrid couldn't help but let out a giggle as she quickly pulled Jane into her arms.

"Aww, that sounds so cute!"

"It was!"

Jeff himself was hearing this conversation from afar, the little tricks he played with his knife not an adequate distraction from the constant reminder of what could've been.

"I don't think he handled our breakup too well..nobody really wanted to treat him as anything other than a freak after his diagnosis went public. One time, I heard him ranting to his brother about how it was hypocritical of the school to do a health topic on depression when they wouldn't stop judging him for his CD."

"Sheesh, it sounds like he's been through a lot..poor kid could use a friend."

"It doesn't really look like he wants any. Liu isn't sitting with him..that's weird, Liu always sits with him."

"Prolly had an argument or something, you know siblings."

"Yeah.."

The day continued without incident, Jeffrey getting home at the same time as usual..yet his mind was not thinking about the party, or school, he was thinking about Jane and Ingrid. Why was Jane so special that she had everything she wanted in life and not him? What crime did he commit that landed him with absent parents, demonization from his peers, and a fucking smile cut into his face? That love, that relationship they had..Jeff came to the conclusion that it was something to be destroyed.

Liu, meanwhile, was..struggling with something. Something he never expected would be a problem in his life. Lately, he began having these thoughts..these violent, awful, intrusive thoughts, thoughts that seemed to be begging to be spoken aloud, the actions they describe seeming to grow more and more appealing as time passed.

Kill Randy.

Maim Keith.

Skin Troy like the cattle he is.

Maybe if he gave the thoughts an identity, they'd be easier to handle, he thought as he thought of a name for these urges..one stood out from the others. Not at all goofy, but not as laughably edgy as the other options.

Chapter 10: Enter Sully

Liu ended up speaking to Sully for the entire night..and even into the morning. When Jeff woke up the next morning, he could already hear Liu downstairs talking with..someone.

"It's sad, really..so concerned about themselves..no time spared for you."

"I-I guess..but they've got more important things to worry about.."

"Child, they do not have a thought in them about you. They're all self centered egomaniacs that would rather get pushed around by a genetic failure of a human rather than do anything about their situation!"

"That's not true, Sully! You're lying!"

A horrible growl soon came from the room.

"We are friends, child! Friends do not lie to each other, do they?"

"I..I guess not..goodbye for now, Sully."

"Where are you going?"

"I..I need some time to think."

Liu got back up, jumping from fear when he saw his brother staring at him.

"Holy shit, Jeff! You scared me!"

"I bet."

Awkward silence soon filled the dining room where they stood.

"Hey, Jeff...?"

"What?"

"I'm..sorry about punching you, and saying all that shit about you. I shouldn't have done that."

"No shit, Sherlock."

The elder brother turned around and began walking back up to his room, but not before his brother called out to him.

"Hey..is there any way I could make things up between us?"

"You could make things up by not betraying my trust again. You're all I've got, Liu..don't pull a Jane and fuck it up for me."

Liu always did question that grudge Jeff held for his ex, after all, he chatted with her in the past, and it always seemed like she genuinely enjoyed what her and Jeff had, and she always felt bad for leaving him like that. Hell, it sounded like it was as painful for her to leave him as it was for him to find out that his girlfriend left him. He was tempted to point that out, but he feared ruining things with his brother again.

"Alright.."

Chapter 11: A Hell of A Party

When Jane and Ingrid rounded the corner home, they found..a disturbing sight. A dead raccoon laying in the middle of the street, it's guts ripped out of it's body and thrown aside, Jeff gleefully pawing through the freshly murdered animal, childishly gawking and giggling over the corpse.

"Hey, Jeffrey! What happened here, what the fuck did you do?!"

Ingrid cried out to the blood-soaked kid, who looked up at her, confusion riddling his bloodied face.

"I killed a raccoon. It's not like anyone's gonna miss it."

"Why, you little-"

Ingrid slapped Jeffrey right across the face, knocking him to the ground as Jane held her girlfriend back and tried to keep the situation from escalating any further.

"What the hell was that for?!"

"You killed a helpless animal, you freak!!"

"I oughta kill you next, you piece of-"

Woods choked on his own spittle as he made his threat, never having been particularly..elegant with his words.

"Oh, really?! I'll kick your teeth down your fucking throat!"

"I swear to God, I'll strangle you with your own fucking intestines!!"

When Jeff reached for his switchblade, Jane panicked and grabbed her lover's hand, running off with her as Woods continued to scream at them.

"Your last words better be some Mark Twain shit, because it's going on your tombstone!! You hear me?!"

That experience was all on Jane's mind as she watched Jeff steadily get more and more wasted by the bonfire outside as time went on, at least, what glimpses she could catch of him when she wasn't busy dancing with the other students. Randy was also outside, reluctantly playing Truth Or Dare with the others as well as his increasingly hot and bothered enemy.

"Ok, Jeff!"

"Whaddup, baby?~"

"Truth or dare?"

"Dare, hit me with the worst ya got!"

"Slow dance with Randy."

"What the-no! I'm straight as a arrow, dude!"

"So is spaghetti until it gets wet~"

"Jeff, never say that again."

"C'mooooon, do the dare, ya pussy~ I don't bite!~"

Woods took his time getting up, but still had enough cognitive function to put on Grover Washington Jr's "Just The Two Of Us", to try and improve the mood, but Randy still wasn't having any of it. In a last ditch effort to try and seduce Randy, Jeffrey just..up and took his shirt off. That'll get things going, right? No, it didn't. Despite some swooning from some of his classmates, Randy himself didn't want any part of this. He was a few drinks deep as well, so in a drunken haze, he grabbed one of the bottles of booze they had, took a running start, and smashed it right over Jeff's head. The problem with that is that they were only a couple feet away from a bonfire, so when Jeff stumbled backward, he fell right into it, the alcohol on his exposed flesh quickly igniting. He quickly burst into flames, screaming and running off as the fire quickly seared his body, every remaining nerve ending he had that wasn't burnt away shocking his body with waves of pain. He could feel his scalp burning up once his hair was scorched away, finally finding solace in a nearby puddle that put out the flames. Jeff could see his life flashing before his eyes..his family, his brother..that was all he could see. As Randy and the other students' screams of horror faded away, Woods silently cursed himself for not doing anything more with his life..a single bloody tear rolled down his face as he shut his eyes for what he believed would be the last time.

Chapter 12: The End Of The Beginning

Suddenly..he was in some sort of void. The ground beneath him was black as pitch, and footsteps began to grow ever closer to him. When Jeff looked to see who was approaching, he found no earthly being waiting for his attention. When he laid his eyes on whatever approached, the previously totally dark void began to turn a sickly red. What stood before him was a monster unlike any other, an otherwordly monster many believed to be a mere tall tale.

HE COMES.

[delfinodreams]

OKAY i said i would make a post about my thoughts on paper mario a while ago and im finally writing it out

ill put it under a break because its probably gonna be long-ish

update: yea this bitch is LONG

okay so overall i really really enjoyed it!! it was really solid for the first entry in the series and i could definitely see the inspiration that ttyd later took from it. one thing that i didnt know about was partners not having HP, which threw me for a little bit of a loop. partners as a whole in this game don't play as active of a role as i wouldve expected because they have so little lines but using them in battle is still very fun! another small thing but i also hadn't expected mario to be completely silent, but it later grew on me!

i'm also gonna list my experiences and opinions on each chapter so here we go!!

chapter 1 - pretty alright for an introductory chapter! i didnt find anything especially notable, apart from getting 2 partners in one chapter. navigating the koopa bros. fortress was fun, and i loved the battle at the end!! their theme is SUCH a banger i had to sit back and listen to it for a bit when the fight actually started ehe

chapter 2 - not quite a fan of this one imo? i liked the first part through the mountain, but the trek though dry dry desert kinda took it out of me. BUT the addition of my favourite partner made up for it! parakarry my beloved <3 also the cutscene where dry dry ruins rise up??? that shit was SPECTACULAR. i absolutely loved how it turned dark when it first came up, i wish it stayed like that for more than just until you entered the ruins. the boss itself wasn't too exciting for me, probably because there wasnt much of a story?? i dont know how to describe it. actually its like that for quite a few of these bosses, but its the first entry for this series, so i wont fault it too much.

chapter 3 - this might be my FAVOURITE chapter- the suspense buildup throughout the entire chapter was AMAZING holy moly!!! first through the forever forest when you have bootler ask for you, and then wandering the mansion itself. i TOTALLY thought that boos were gonna be actual enemies when i saw them floating around. sneaking around tubba blubba's castle was so so fun to do, and i legitimately panicked when you ran into him in the hall and also when he wakes up and chases you back to the windmill. i didnt actually think the heart itself was the boss, just a miniboss, so i freaked out when i left the windmill and was immediately thrown into a battle with tubba blubba. i cannot express just how much i enjoyed this chapter, seriously!!

chapter 4 - coming back to toad town with the music change threw me for a bit; i wasnt expecting action to pop up so soon! figuring out that you could actually go into the toybox was such a "wait, what??" moment for me, but like, in a positive way. it was really cool to navigate this chapter and the lantern ghost encounter genuinely creeped me out at first because it was COMPLETELY dark. the fight against general guy is also a BANGER i could listen to it all day

chapter 5 - man i LOVE the whale. just a big guy willing to take u across the ocean :^) i really appreciated how you weren't stranded on the island too, like how you were on keelhaul key in ttyd. the ravens are also funky little guys, love them too. again, the lava piranha didnt really have any substance to it BUT it was a nice fight nonetheless! when it popped up again i was shocked but i made it through!! also fuck kolorado he doesnt deserve his wife

chapter 6 - this one's formatting is really neat- one central area with lots of branching paths, which i hadnt seen in my past pm experiences! i loved the quest leading up to the big beanstalk, plus the environment was so pretty!! the little part with the sun tower popped out to me, i'm not sure why though. maybe it was the music, it was so different from the flower fields theme. at first i had actually expected to go up to the clouds earlier, maybe like midway through the chapter. i thought that would be the "dungeon" of this part, so i was a little bit let down when i realized that the fields were the majority. however, the bit of the clouds we do see is SO good i LOVE the atmosphere!! huff n puff was actually relatively easy, using parakarry and lakilester for their all-around attacks. the guitars were a nice touch for his theme as well!

chapter 7 - oh dude i LOVED this chapter. i didnt know what i was expecting when i first went into the pipe in the sewers, whether it would put me into a village immediately or if i would have to make it through some screens before. needless to say, i was relieved when it popped me out into shiver city. the whole place felt "warm" which was really nice!! i was comparing it to ttyd's chapter 7 and fahr outpost which i didn't really vibe with, so it was a nice change! the whole murder plot was also unexpected but i enjoyed the whole "whodunnit" mystery! omg as im typing this i realize just how many aspects of this chapter i love this is gonna be long,, the entire snowy atmosphere is just so PRETTY and starborn valley felt so solitary to the rest of the land, like its own little bubble. i also had no idea that ninjis were in this game so when i saw one at merlon's i was like HUH?? anyways the way up the mountain to the crystal palace kept me on my toes; i thought that was the dungeon at first! the small bit where you see madam merlar and she tells you the story of the palace really got to me i have no idea why. the music and mysticality of it all was just SO good. dont even get me started on the crystal palace itself HOLY MOLY. the whole reflection bit was SO SO clever and the moment you realize its NOt actually a mirror?? fucking magnificent. this has to be my favourite dungeon in the whole game because it has such a NEAT gimmick!! it also has my favourite mario enemies, duplighosts! FUCK the crystal king though. he stunlocked me with his freezing move because i could not get the hang of blocking it. my partners really carried me for that battle; thank god for quick change

chapter 8 - THIS CHAPTER DELIVERED. the buildup for the entire game leading to this point. OUTSTANDING. i had to sit back and admire star haven because its so pretty- did i mention i love the water graphics in this game?? it has a pixelly look but it works SO WELL. going to the ship to take you to bowser's castle really felt like a "this is it" moment. the entirety of bowser's castle was So Good, it kept me on my toes the entire time!! slowly advancing as the music got more intense REALLY pumped me up. tracks that start off with only a couple instruments and eventually add more as you progress is one way to make me go BONKERS. the one bit where you make your way outside on the bridge and the music dials down and then you re-enter on the other side to it SLAMMING you in the face- that was Great. and then the complete silence as you get outside peach's castle HOLY SHIT. and then you actually enter the palace and the music is SO EERIE and youre like OH SHIT THIS IS REALLY IT. seriously, the buildup for this entire castle is done SO magnificently. i hadn't expected to fight bowser twice, i guess it was the game's way of letting u level up One Last Time before u got to the big bad. that being said, i wasn't too worried on getting a game over since i was fucking stacked on items. but that's besides the point- the fight itself got my heart POUNDING. the effects for the star rod and the star's powers were really nice to see in action, and the little section with peach and twink was so cool! i was expecting a little interlude where you would get your stats maxed out because thats how its like in every pm game, but it was still moving :)) bowser's final battle theme fucking SLAPS. the guitar especially sounds AMAZING. you really see him as a threat here and its so badass. his healing move fucked me over multiple times- i probably ended up having to deal with double his base HP over the course of the fight.

after the fight was over and you got to see peach's castle float down with the soft music in the background, it really hit me that its done, its over. again, the effects in this game are so pretty and theyre utilized SO well for the n64. visiting toad town one last time with all the npcs was a really nice touch- for some reason i really loved being able to interact with vanna t. (chuck quizmo's toad assistant) she's ADORABLE and i will probably end up drawing her sometime :)) the credits were also something that i really enjoyed- i LOVE the ongoing theme of parades at the end. seeing everything and everyone in the game condensed into a short 8 minutes really got me, i cant remember but im pretty sure i was smiling the whole time! and a small sidenote- TOADS WITH GLOWING SPOTS ON THEIR HEAD HELLO?????? I WANNA DRAW THAT SO BAD.

the ending screen with peach and mario looking at the fireworks made me really soft and i teared up a little because i was finally finished. the addition of pop diva's solo in the track was also so touching, it was my favourite sidequest in the game so hearing it again brought up Emotions :')

one thing i wasnt sure of was if there was a post-game mode and my completionist heart was disappointed a little when i found out i couldn't advance from the end screen and was forced to reset. although not many games from this era had post-game content so i cant dock too many points for that.

the paper mario series has a fond place in my heart, and finally being able to play the game that started it all really was a special experience. it really cemented my love for the original formula and i could see many places where ttyd took inspiration from. this game really is fun, and i would highly recommend playing it yourself if you have the means!

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 199: One Whole Bird

Previously on BnHA: Aizawa’s winning class A team reflected on what they could have done better. Tsuyu and Kirishima were unexpected bummers due to their recent internships still weighing heavily on their minds. Shinsou was also frustrated with his performance, despite everyone telling him how good he did. Aizawa and Vlad told All Might and Midnight that today’s exercise is also a test for Shinsou to see if he should be admitted into the hero course. It’s not clear whether or not Shinsou is aware of this, but we’re all rooting for him! The second round of battles got underway, with Team KendouKuroMangaToadette facing off against MomoYamaTokoKure. Class B’s Kuroiro was revealed to have a quirk that allows him to move freely within anything black. This applies even to quirks like Dark Shadow, and once the match began, he basically dove into DS and rode him back to Team A’s location. Now he’s getting ready to throw down with Tokoyami, who has dramatically thrown his cape aside and is preparing to unleash the new technique he developed during his internship with Hawks.

Today on BnHA: Hawks is back! In flashback form. But he’s back, you guys! So apparently Tokoyami first interned with him after the sports festival, only to learn that Hawks mainly selected him to get the good gossip on the whole USJ attack. This frustrated Toko enough that he redoubled his training efforts, and when he went back to intern at Hawks’s agency for real after getting his provisional license, he impressed the #2 hero by being able to keep up with him. So Hawks took him on a cute lil nighttime flight above the city while A Whole New World from Aladdin played, and then they landed on a tower somewhere and Hawks was all, “hey dude you should learn to fly for reals,” and then the flashback ended. Back in the present, Kuroiro sneaks up behind Aoyama and grabs him and hauls ass. Tokoyami then reveals his new technique: Flying For Reals. He retrieves Aoyama, who fires his laser to break up the shadows around them, making it impossible for Kuro to hide. Things are looking good for Team A, but then a mushroom suddenly sprouts from Momo’s nose, reminding everyone that there are still three other Team B members to take care of, and things are only just getting started.

(As always, all comments not marked with an ETA are my mostly-unspoiled reactions from my first readthrough of this chapter. I’m caught up with the manga now at chapter 222, so any ETAs will reflect that.)

ooh, and we’re opening with what I assume is an internship flashback!

well yeah, Mighty Wings is the type of quirk that allows you to do that. when you can individually control hundreds of little godmode wings that are strong enough to even carry people to safety, you don’t really need much in the way of backup

ah, so it’s confirmed this is Tokoyami’s narration

apparently the U.A. sports festival earlier in the year was the first time Hawks had ever taken place in the whole drafting process

hold up, so did Toko intern with him for both the jr. internship and the real internship? like, he did the weeklong thing following the sports festival, and then went back and interned there for real later? or was it only the first and not the latter?

lol Hawks is flying off to go save some other hapless soul. some out of control drunk dude at a bar in Cantina

I assume Cantina is a specifically a reference to the very famous Mos Eisley Cantina in Star Wars, even though it’s also a common enough word in its own right

lmao his sidekicks are all “yeah so Hawks is just generally better than us in every conceivable way and we just have to live with it”

these guys crack me up

so during his workplace experience Tokoyami just spent the whole time chasing after Hawks with these guys and handling the cleanup with them. so naturally it wasn’t long before he started having doubts about the whole thing

I was literally just about to say “because you’re both birds” and then Hawks was like “yeah, duh”

Tokoyami is asking if he’s joking, because Tokoyami doesn’t have a sense of humor so he probably genuinely needs to know

Hawks says he’s 20% serious. holy shit. that honest to god is what he said lmao

he says he wanted to talk to someone from class 1-A about the League of Villains, and he figured if he had to do so then he should pick someone he thought could keep up with him and who showed promise. and since Tokoyami finished in the top three he went with him

and of course we know from chapter 186 that he had selected Todoroki as well, but Endeavor got him instead

interesting that both he and Bakugou picked the highest ranking agencies on their list and ended up being disappointed. it seems like the people who had the most fulfilling internships were the ones who went with agencies that hadn’t necessarily made huge names for themselves, but were perhaps a little better at this whole teaching thing than some of the big shots

ah, and then Hawks did agree to take him on for a For Reals Internship later on, though

that means Tokoyami actually reached out to him despite his lackluster previous experience. makes me wonder if Bakugou would actually decide to go back to Jeanist’s agency once he gets his provisional and once the kids are allowed to do internships again

(ETA: so I’m honestly not sure if we’re even going to get back to internships again, at least not for a while, but one theory I’ve seen floating around is that Bakugou will intern with Miruko instead of Jeanist, and I gotta say, I really like the idea of that. for so many reasons. but basically it makes a lot of sense; Jeanist is still laid up, Miruko is a top 5 hero, and her personality aligns with Bakugou’s a whole lot more than Jeanist’s did. all this plus Fuck Yeah Girl Power, so hell yeah I’m all for it.)

-- YOOOOOOOOOOO

he can -- you can fly, dude? since when lmao what the fuck

(ETA: what is he doing here, though?? I thought he was flying but then a couple pages later Hawks is like “you should learn how to fly” and then a few pages after that everyone is shocked by his new “bitch I can fly now” special move. so it seems like that’s something he came up with after this scene. is he just jumping with style here or what)

Hawks likey! kid’s got some potential

now it’s later that night and Hawks is telling Tokoyami he did good

OH MY GOD

THIS IS THE CUTEST AND BEST THING THAT’S EVER HAPPENED. OH MY GOD. YOU GUYS. I CAN’T IT’S TOO FUCKING PRECIOUS OH SWEET JESUS

(ETA: so as you can see I was enchanted by this scene even before I learned about its significance as a beloved fandom meme. anyways so we all agree that this internship was destiny.)

TOKOYAMI IS SO OVERWHELMED. HIS POETIC SOUL IS SOARING LIKE AN EAGLE

OH MY GOD!!

HOW DOES HE REMEMBER THE CORRECT PERCENTAGE BREAKDOWN FROM A JOKE CONVERSATION THEY HAD LIKE SIX MONTHS AGO

SERIOUS QUESTION WHY IS HAWKS THE BEST CHARACTER IN BNHA. ANSWER ME. SOMEONE

AND LOOK AT TOKO’S FACE OMG

AHHHH

it’s so personal, though. like I honestly feel like he’s baring a bit of his soul to this kid, and for someone with a personality like Hawks’s that is huge

he says he’s not especially interested in nurturing the next generation, “but...”

well that’s fine dude. you’re practically still a kid yourself and you’ve got more than enough on your plate

but the fact that he does have so much on his plate makes me wonder what’s going through his head right now. because the whole workplace experience was before he started his undercover mission, but this scene is taking place afterward. and he always plays it cool, but that shit is dangerous, like one-wrong-move-and-you’re-dead-or-worse types of danger. and that’s not even taking into account the bad-for-your-soul parts that come with having to turn a blind eye to certain things for the sake of maintaining your cover for the greater good

so basically, despite what he says, he may just be feeling a bit more sentimental or brooding or whatever than usual, and maybe that’s what brought this on. he never particularly wanted to be a mentor, but hey, might as well give it a shot. life is short

so Toko’s asking what he meant when he said Tokoyami was wasting his potential

and Hawks says that while Tokoyami is doing a lot to cover his weak points, he shouldn’t neglect improving his strong points

one moment please while we process these Hawks feels ladies and gents

aaaaaaand done

my boy just wants to be free. okay. that’s fine. I’m fine it’s all good

nothing to see here, just some solid mentor advice pulling some double duty as a deeper look into Hawks’s psyche at the same time. just Horikoshi things

and we’re back in the present!

that was a much lengthier flashback than I anticipated, and thoroughly enjoyable! very nice!

so Kuro is blending back into the shadows and for some reason everyone is surprised

what else would he do. I mean. if it ain’t broke

so now he’s mocking them from somewhere in the piping, bragging about how they can’t tell where he is

oh shit!

so he’s planning on targeting one of the others? tbh that probably would have worked just as well even without the red herring, since they can’t see him coming

like, this would have worked no matter what though. but I guess it did get Aoyama to lower his guard

LOL MY POOR GLITTER BOY

FIRE YOUR DAMN LASER KID

ooooh

it’s so gross that he refers to it as an umbilical cord and now I’m never not gonna be able to think of it as that

so anyway, I’m guessing that this special move works by having Dark Shadow fly somewhere and then instead of retracting the shadow back to him, he pulls himself toward Dark Shadow

LOL

what, y’all didn’t see those flashbacks with Hawks just a few pages ago. pay attention to other characters’ life stories

ah, here are the mechanics explained to us in a cute little comic

“Dark Shadow can fly so one day I was like, ‘ohh... pick me up so I can fly too. fucking duh’”

also has the bonus advantage of distracting opponents with how shockingly adorable it is

so now he’s plucking Aoyama out of Kuro’s clutches

I bet Aoyama’s pissed that his cape broke in the process though

LISTEN HERE BITCHES, Y’ALL ARE GONNA NEED PLAN B, C, D, ETC. BEFORE YOU CAN EVEN COME CLOSE TO TAKING OUT MY GIRL MOMO HERE. YOU’RE GONNA RUN OUT OF LETTERS OF THE FUCKING ALPHABET YOU AMATEURS

she said, but also I’m still pretty sure they’re gonna lose fffff

since Aoyama and Tokoyami are now perfectly positioned, Momo’s telling Aoyama to use his navel buffet

ah I see, eliminate Kuro’s potential hiding places by blinding him with Aoyama’s splendor

so Dark Shadow is covering himself in Kuro’s cape and Aoyama is letting ‘er rip

this is such an odd and perfect sound effect and I’m really impressed with Horikoshi for coming up with it in English

aha!

GOTCHA MOTHERFUCKER

now Momo’s calling Hagakure to action, and for a moment I was like ‘why’ but then I remembered her special move

but before we get to that, please enjoy this Yaoyorozu Momo “just as planned” panel

yessssss now get ready for --

...

okay what is plan B

...

and the chapter ends. of course

chapter 200 is gonna be some wild times isn’t it. lol

[gingerseattle-blog]

“Heels” - Spencer Reid x Reader

Hey, holy shit, I haven’t written serious fanfiction in 3, maybe 4 years? And never for Criminal Minds or as an “x Reader” ship. So like, pardon my inexperience? I’ve just been reading a LOT od Reid x Reader fics and I wanted to write the one that I would’ve wanted to read. If Spencer is wildly out of character then. Yeet.

TW: attempted rape, some major violence, sexual assault

“You know, the BAU has an opening for a new profiler. You might find it fun, Dr. Y/LN,” Dr. Reid commented offhandedly as you exited the courthouse together. A practiced clinical psychologist, you were often being called in as an expert witness on cases. Dr. Reid, as an FBI profiler, was almost always at the courthouse for the same reason. Over the years the two of you had grown from strangers to acquaintances to friends. And, if you allowed yourself to look at him as more than a peer, you found yourself starting to develop feelings outside of the realm of casual friendship. Not that you would ever admit it to yourself, much less to Dr. Reid himself.

“Can the federal government even afford me?” You replied with a snort.

“You work at a public hospital and take contract work from local prisons. I’m sure a pay cut would be out of the question. And high heels aren’t a necessary part of the dress code.”

You let out another snort before leaning down to fish through your purse for a pair of tennis shoes to change into from your professional heels. “I only wear the heels on court days. Plus, I enjoy my job too much to consider leaving it. I can’t just,” you stuck your tongue out while thinking of the right word to use. The word escaped you as you knotted your laces and you sighed. “I can’t leave my patients. It’s not as easy as talking down a crisis situation, shooting a gun, and calling it a day. I actually get to watch these people recover.”

Dr. Reid shrugged and held out a hand for you to stand back up to your full height. You ran a hand through your hair, shaking it out of the neat curls you had worked so painstakingly hard on to look put together for court. Dr. Reid smiled at you as you blew a strand of hair away from your face. You walked together to the nearest coffee shop in a companionable silence.

-----

“You know, Warden, there are other treatments for mental illness besides intense medication,” The click of your heels reverberated off of the walls of the prison as you walked with the warden of the prison from an annual psych visit at the local maximum security prison. This was an argument you were constantly having with the directors and wardens of the prisons you visited, one that you never won. It was a waste of breath, but you figured you may as well continue emphasizing it. Maybe it would click one of these days.

“Dr. Y/LN, while I appreciate your experience, we don’t like to change the routine here at Elkwood. Now, I would love to take you up on your suggestion, you know that the guys who sign my paycheck won’t go for-“ The two of you froze as a deafening alarm rang out. “Get to the front of the building!” He yelled, pushing you forward down the hallway.

Except, his shove was too forceful and your heels were too high and you landed face first on the tile. When you looked up and over your shoulder, you saw one of the men you had just visited in the psych unit rounding the corner.

In his hand, you noted all too slowly, was the blood soaked ridge of a sharpened toothbrush.

------

“It could be a psychotic break? The instigator gets put in solitary one day too many and when he’s let out, he snaps?” Derek suggests, flipping through inmate profiles. Rossi nods absently from the driver’s seat.

“Possibly. But from the preliminary reports, we’re talking about a man who has created his own weapon. That takes time and a desired target. This was premeditated.” Spencer pipes up from the backseat of the FBI van. This case was local, a hostage situation at a federal prison just outside of DC so there was no need for the jet.

“What else do we know so far?” Rossi asks.

“Two dead, one visitor is being held hostage. I won’t know who it is until we can get the visitor sheets or footage. If our subject is capable of killing but has taken this one person hostage, they must be special. I’m thinking it’s a family member. Either his own or someone else’s, maybe to use as leverage.” Spencer looks out the window as they pull into the parking lot of the prison. There’s a familiar car in the visitors parking space, but he can’t place where he’s seen it before. He takes in the bumper stickers as he hops out of the van. A few pro science stickers, including a very familiar “Hail Sagan” sticker, college alumni decals, and a hospital parking pass.

“Hotch,” Spencer calls nervously. “Who’s our hostage?” Deep down he knows it’s you, but until he knows for sure he can deny it.

“A senior clinical psychologist from University Hospital. She was here for a routine check up on the inmates in the psych unit.” Hotch looks down. “Her name is Doctor-”

“Her name is Doctor Y/N Y/LN.” Spencer swallows.

“A friend of yours?” Derek cocks an eyebrow while tightening his bulletproof vest.

Spencer nodded, unable to speak. An acquaintance, a friend, a woman that he admired both for her intellect and sharp personality. A woman that for years he had been trying to convince to come work with him in order to be closer to her. A woman that was now in very real danger.

-------

“I’m beginning to lose my patience with you, good doctor,” A patient of yours, Noah Pearson, a convicted serial rapist with a rap sheet that spanned for miles dragged his makeshift blade across your cheek. You felt a sting and the warm wetness of blood welling up the surface and you winced.

“Do you think I carry hard pills on me wherever I go? You’ve got the wrong kind of doctor for that,” Your voice was far stronger than you were currently feeling. Noah had you backed into a corner of the hallway, one hand on your shoulder to keep you firmly in place facing the wall and the other reaching over your shoulder to threaten you with his shiv. “Noah, listen to me, I’ve known you since you got here. I know that you suffer from episodes of severe mania. You don’t take the medicine they give you anyway, so why are you doing this?”

A drop of the warden’s freshly spilled blood dropped from the tip of the shiv onto your shoulder and you shuddered. Noah’s grip on your shoulder tightened and he stepped closer, almost completely flush with you. “That’s what I want,” He sighed into your ear. Your hands balled into fists. “I’ve been watching you since I got here, good doctor. You and I both know that I’ve been a good boy since I’ve gotten here, and as a shrink, don’t you know you’re supposed to reward good behavior?” Noah’s tongue slid along the ridge of your ear and you whimpered. Noah misinterpreted this as pleasure rather than the fear it truly was.

“The medicine lowered my sex drive,” Noah’s breath was hot against the skin of your neck. “Was it really medicine for mania, good doctor? Or were you just trying to keep me from wanting you?” The hand that was previously on your shoulder drifted softly down to your lower back. “Or maybe you’re playing a game of eugenics,” his hand grabbed the flesh of your ass tightly and you cringed. “Oh yes doctor, I’ve been reading. I know what you people can do with medicine. But you have no idea what I can do to you.”

In your heart of hearts, you knew that struggling was not only what Noah craved in his victims but would most certainly make the situation worse. You knew that keeping him talking and groping was probably the safest option for you.

However, your sympathetic nervous system was kicking into overdrive, adrenaline building up in your mouth as a scream that you kept locked away behind tightly locked lips. You were shivering, eager to run or twist out of Noah’s grip. He had grown tired of the fabric preventing him from touching your skin. Obviously, he was more adept with women who wore loose skirts rather than suit pants as his wrist was going at your waist band at just the wrong angle. If you weren’t scared shitless, you’d find it pathetic. You wondered briefly if he would be as disgruntled to find that you wore comfortable granny panties rather than the lacy thongs he enjoyed on his victims. Adrenaline pumping, a small giggle escaped your lips at the thought.

“Cunt!” Noah exploded. “What the hell is there to laugh about when you have a knife to your throat?!”

“Not a damn thing.” Another male voice, soothing in its familiarity but new in its sharpness, sounded behind you. “Let her go, Pearson. You’re done having fun.”

Noah spun you around, the shiv pressing sharply against your jugular. “Oh Mr. Reid, is it?” You let out another giggle when you saw Dr. Reid’s mouth twitch with annoyance at being called “mister.” A totally inappropriate reaction, both his and yours. However, after years of being called ‘Mrs’ despite not being married and being an accomplished woman with a PhD, you would have done the same thing in any other situation.

Noah’s grip tightened to a point where you knew you were going to be bruised if you walked out of this situation. “See, Mr. Reid, the good doctor here is crazy like me. Giggling in the face of rape and staring down the barrel of a gun. She may have a good laugh if I just slit her throat,” Noah sliced very slowly against your throat. Things stopped being funny when you felt yourself bleeding.

“Stop!” Doctor Reid screamed.

“You’re right Noah,” You gasped, an idea taking root. “We’re just alike.” You slowly shifted so that you could see him out of the corner of your eye. “I do want you. You’re just my type, so big and intimidating.” Noah blinked, momentarily shocked to the point of loosening his grip on you. You turned to face him, gripping his waist and leaning your hole body to suckle at his neck, hoping that Doctor Reid would understand your point.

A shot rang out and blood splatter joined your own as Doctor Reid took your hint and shot Noah in his unprotected shoulder. You fell to the ground, unable to think, unable to breathe. You knew what you were doing. You knew that you had to give Doctor Reid a clear shot. But you were unprepared for the noise of the gunshot and the shock that came with watching a man be shot beside you. You faintly heard Doctor Reid shout for a medic over the ringing in your ears. He helped you stand and walked you out to an ambulance.

Shock, blood loss, your arm was grazed by Doctor Reid’s bullet as well. Someone wrapped a blanket around you and laid you on a stretcher before you closed your eyes.

-----

Your head was absolutely pounding. You opened your eyes just a sliver and winced at the sharp white light. Was this the afterlife? White light definitely checked out.

No, you knew this light. You knew this awful rubbing alcohol smell too. The sharp pains in your neck and the inside of your left elbow were new though.

“What-” you managed to rasp, your throat hoarse. You had no idea what you wanted to ask, let alone if there was anyone there to answer.

“Take it easy Y/N.”

Doc-tor R-reid?” You sounded out, unsure of the integrity of your vocal chords. You coughed, hoping it would clear your throat.

“It’s me. It’s Spencer. Relax, you’re in the hospital. Can you open your eyes?” His voice was as soft and certain as ever.

“Too bright.”

“Hold on,” you heard him get up, then a soft click. “Now try.”

You inched your eyes open again, relieved to see that the room was now dark. You blinked a few times and you saw his face, shadowed though it may be, just as right and safe and gentle as always. You smiled. “Thanks.”

“Of course. Can I get you anything?”

“Water?” Spencer grabbed a pale pink pitcher you were used to seeing beside your patients’ beds, further solidifying that you were back at work and not dead. He handed you a cup of water and you drank eagerly.

“Better?”

“Much,” You sighed, your throat feeling closer to normal.

“Well it might make you feel even better to know that my boss was impressed with your work in the prison today,” Spencer’s eyes took on a playful glint.

You groaned. “I’d like to go back to thinking I’m dead now, if you’d be so kind.”

“No really, wasn’t it you who said the BAU only talks down crisis situations, shoots a gun, then walks away?” Spencer was on the verge of laughter, you could hear it in his voice. “Well you got that crisis situation talked down, enabled me to shoot my gun, and then we walked away together. You’re basically my partner now.”

“Are you teasing me? I’m laying in a hospital bed. I was sexually assaulted. I was assaulted assaulted. I have a needle sticking out of my arm and a bandage around my neck. What makes you think this is the appropriate time to gauge my potential career shift?” You were mostly exaggerating, but it chilled you to think about where you were and what happened to you just hours prior.

Spencer quieted immediately. “It’s not appropriate, but I was nervous. I’m laughing about your potential career shift because I’m so glad that you’re still here and okay enough to discuss a potential career shift.” He ran a hand through his messy curls, frowning. “I knew it was you in there as soon as I saw your car in the parking lot. Because that’s just our luck, right? To always show up in the same place at the same time for reasons we both hate.

“But I was so proud of how you reacted. You read Pearson like an open book and you played him. You recognized your own weaknesses and strengths and you used them to stay alive.” The smirk returned. “Almost like a BAU agent.”

You scoffed, but grinned despite yourself. You understood what he meant about being happy to be alive, and after laughing during your own inappropriate moments, you could hardly begrudge him this. “You know Doctor Reid, I was almost touched there for a second.”

“Spencer.” He replied quietly.

“What?”

“You always call me Doctor Reid. Call me Spencer. We’re close enough at this point to be on a first name basis, I think.”

“Spencer then.” You relaxed back into your pillows, your cheeks warming slightly. “Nothing says ‘bonding’ like working together to shoot a serial rapist.”

“Hey, you know what, if you’d been a BAU agent this never would have happened.”

You laughed again. “How so?”

The smirk was back in full force. “You don’t have to wear high heels at the BAU.”

You threw a pillow at him.

[wineanddinosaur]

VinePair Podcast: Drinks Projects You Can Make at Home

With Covid-19 keeping many of us at home indefinitely, we’re finding all kinds of new projects to provide creative outlets. While some people are busy deep cleaning their bathrooms and perfecting their sourdough starters, we’ve opted to dial in our home drinking game — and maybe you’d like to join us? From whipping up batches of vermouth and bitters, to making quick infusions and syrups, to becoming a home brewing hobbyist, there are plenty of ways to put your at-home time to good use.

That’s the topic on this week’s VinePair podcast, where Adam, Erica, and Zach discuss their own experiences with DIY beverage projects and offer some suggestions on what to make, and how to turn those projects into great drinks.

Listen on iTunes

Listen on Spotify

LISTEN ONLINE OR CHECK OUT OUR CONVERSATION HERE:

Adam: Still from my Brooklyn, NY Apartment, I’m Adam Teeter.

Erica: From Jersey City, I’m Erica Duecy.

Zach: And in my house in Seattle, Washington I’m Zach Geballe.

A: And this is the VinePair podcast and guys, I’m excited about our topic today. Which is getting into alcohol projects you can do at home. I know I’ve been taking on a ton of projects myself, not just obviously alcohol- related. I’ve been baking some bread. I’ve been….well, baking a lot. But also doing some projects around the house but, before we jump in to all of that. What have you guys been drinking? What’s been getting you through for the last week? Anything exciting? Erica?

E: Yeah, I have been tasting through a ton of rosés for the big list that we put out every year – our top 25 rosés. And I’ve been excited by some of the really affordable selections that I’ve found. You know, usually when I’m thinking about rosé, I’m thinking [about] the south of France, but actually there were some sneaker hits out of Italy for me. So, I found the Planeta rosé from Sicily, that’s a $16 bottle. And it’s on the bolder side of the rosé flavor spectrum; it’s got strawberry, guava, crushed peach notes; I was totally surprised. And this would be the type of wine that I would pair with like barbecue chicken, tacos, even pizza, it’s got that kind of bolder flavor profile which is gonna be so wonderful with all of the summertime back-yard barbecue foods.

A: Yeah man, Italian rosés.

Z: That’s awesome!

A: That was a big thing last year, in our list last year; I think Planeta made the list, and the number one was Graci. Both from Sicily, ‘cause I think, yeah those wines are surprisingly amazing. Even though you normally think of France, right? Which is nuts!

E: Totally!

Z: And it makes sense in a way ‘cause you’re dealing with a similar climate, right? You’re Mediterranean, obviously if you’re in Sicily you’re IN the middle of the Mediterranean, but we think of all the great French rosé that, in particular that come from Provence and [have a] very Mediterranean sort of influence, so I think it’s definitely the case that you can find some great rosés from […] other wine regions that border the Mediterranean. Because they’re going to have, I think generally speaking, a culture of rosé drinking that goes back, ‘cause those kinds of wines are, sometimes the red grape… or what you wanna do with red grapes in those kind of places is turn ‘em into rosé.

A: Totally. So Zach, what about you, what are you drinking man?

Z: Well as you might have noticed on Instagram yesterday, as we’re recording this on Friday, I took the opportunity, and I have been taking the opportunity, to go in and pull some bottles out of my collection that I wasn’t saving for the most special of occasions, but might have been a little loathe to open under the general mentality of, “Fuck it, I might as well!”. And as Erica might recall I wrote a piece for the site, which now feels like it ran about a million years ago, but it was I think actually just last month, on the joys of aged Italian white wines. So last night I was looking…

A: Yeah, you’ve also talked about this on the podcast multiple times. This is your thing.

Z: I have, It’s true. It’s one of my things, but for good reason! I had the opportunity…

E: I love old Italian white wines.

Z: Yeah, and I had the opportunity to have a ten-year-old bottle of Arneis, which is one of my favorite varieties, and it’s not the kind of thing that I would necessarily have every single night, but I made risotto and roasted a chicken and it’s a wine that both my wife and I love. And you know, it… I mean look, there’s a lot of horrible news and everything going on in the world and we’re gonna try to kind of sort of steer away from that in this podcast, but for me, it’s like every now and then it’s important to really center my own, or our own joy and pleasure when we can, and wines like that are opportunities to do that. So I was really glad that I was like, “OK it’s the last bottle of this I have, it’s a kind of special wine but we’re gonna open it, we’re gonna enjoy it and then I guess we’re gonna talk about it on the podcast the next day as it turns out,” so that is what I have been drinking. Adam, how about you?

A: So you know I’m going through the eight stages of… I don’t know, mourning, drinking, etc. So I have been drinking a lot of rosé for the tasting, but I won’t talk about any of those here ‘cause I think Erica already hit on that. But you know like last week when we were first like “this is happening,” I drank a lot of brown spirits. So, I found a few bourbons that I really enjoyed. I was drinking a Jefferson’s bottling that was really delicious, I was drinking some Lagavulin, so you know Scotch that I really liked. Somebody gifted me a bottle of Whistle Pig, so I enjoyed a little bit of that last week. And also like dirty Martinis for my wife — I don’t take them dirty, but I was drinking just a classic gin Martini, a little dry with a lemon twist. So I was really drinking liquor last week, and then this week I definitely transitioned back to like beer and wine. So I had a few pretty delicious IPAs that I enjoyed earlier in the week. I’m also trying to go back to my normal schedule of not drinking three to four nights a week. So I guess… so if I didn’t drink Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, so Wednesday night I had a really nice New England style IPA from Monday Night Brewing that was pretty cool, and then last night I did enjoy one of the rosé from the round up that I was like, “wow, this is just amazing.” We featured it a bunch before, Kathleen Inman’s wine, so Endless Crush is just a beautiful wine.

Z: Oh yeah!

E: Yeah, that’s great.

A: And so it was submitted again for the tasting this year, and then I was like, “well I’m not gonna dump this,” so I drank it. I have to say, Erica, I’ve been impressed for the past few years actually that there’s some really stellar rosés coming out of other countries. A lot out of California or just the West Coast in general and you know, a lot of bad ones coming out of Provence. A lot of ones that are really trading on that regional name that are getting away with like a true lack of balance or just like really harsh, off flavors, fruit that doesn’t taste super high quality. But [which] are still being [sold] for over $20 bucks because they put Provence on the label. So I thought that was interesting. There was another one that I really liked a lot that surprised me called Seaglass, that was like I think it’s like $10.99. And I remember… so I’ve been tasting with my wife Naomi which has been fun. ‘Cause you know, she loves wine but never gets to come to our office tastings when we have people in, and she turned to me and was like, “What is this wine? This is really good!” And it had come after a string of not a lot of very good wines… and I was like, “Yeah! This is really good.” And so then like we looked at it and we were like holy shit! And then we looked at the price and we were blown away. So yeah, I think it’s been fun, and then I don’t know this weekend… Tonight is pizza night, so I’m gonna make some delicious pizza and pop something good, who knows? And then maybe get back on my spirits wagon, I don’t know.

E: Yeah, I mean I’ve been going the same way too. I think I’m sort of alternating at this point. So I’ll do wine one night or a cider, and then I’ll switch over and have a cocktail but yeah, I think the things we’re gonna talk about today with the cocktail projects that’s actually gotten me pretty excited to start back into my cocktail experimentation land, I definitely went through a phase of that a couple of years ago, but I’m right back on the train now.

A: I know you’re a wine lover but when I was first introduced to you it was through the fact that you have written this cocktail book and really have this expertise in cocktails. Like the things you tell me you’re trying to do at home, like recreate a classic Martini from… I would never do. Like, I can make a really good Negroni, I can make a really good straight-up Martini, but if you ask me to recreate some of my favorite cocktails from some of my favorite cocktail bars in New York I’d be like, “nah, I’m just gonna wait ‘til they re-open.”

E: ‘Nah, I’m good!’ Yeah, I mean I definitely went through a phase like years ago where I was just making bitters all the time, making bitters from like Buddha’s hand and like all sorts of crazy citruses and so forth so I mean that’s… I think that’s one of the nice things right now, is that if we have a little bit extra time where we’re looking for something creative to do, hey start on those holiday gift projects now, you’ve got nothing else to do, [so] you might as well get creative.

A: I mean yeah, so I guess jumping straight into the topic: Zach, what sort of projects do you have in mind that people could be doing now? Or what are you working on, or wish you were working on?

Z: Well I would say that I’ll let Erica talk about things like bitters because that’s something that I don’t have a lot of experience with personally. But what I would say, and I think this is the operative thing here is, for the most part I think most of us in our daily lives, we don’t have time, and really it’s not even just that we don’t have time because a lot of these things don’t take a lot of active time. It’s just we don’t really want to commit to a couple of week-long projects, even if most of that time is spent sitting in a closet or something. And what I have started doing at home, because I anticipate having some time to commit to this, is working on some infusions. That’s something that I started doing as a bartender years ago. Basically, it’s a simple way to add flavor to a spirit. I’m mostly working with clear spirits at the moment because, while you can certainly do cool things with brown spirits, I find that if I kinda just wanna get like a simple flavor, like a fruit flavor, like I’ve got some blueberry gin going on right now, the idea there’s is basically to extract the flavor from the blueberry into the gin, and I imagine that in a couple of weeks, which is about how long these things tend to take, that the weather in Seattle may have turned to the point where sitting outside and having a drink made with blueberry gin is gonna sound really, really delightful as opposed to [how] it sounds now, which is pretty miserable ‘cause it’s pouring rain. [That’s] kinda what I’m aiming at. And then one thing that I’ve mentioned on the podcast before that I’ve done, and I think is another thing to think about doing especially for people who are home more, maybe opening wine more often but aren’t necessarily drinking a lot is vermouth. Which is a little tricky to make in that you kind of have to find the right balance in ingredients and sweetness but I’ve had some success with making vermouth and I find it actually to be more useful as something to kind of sip, a way to kind of preserve that wine – if you’re not interesting in cooking with it – or making vinegar which you can also do. I like to make vermouth and then it’s just something that I’ll pour over ice, maybe add a little bit of soda water to and it’s my afternoon (maybe while I’m cooking) beverage, ‘cause it’s lower in alcohol. And it retains some of the wine flavor but has some spice notes that you expect from vermouth.

A: So Zach, quickly. ‘Cause you know you’re talking about these things, I’m loving it, I’m getting into it, but now I’m like “how do I do it?” So first of all, with your blueberry gin, can you please explain the process, and also tell me what kind of drinks you’d put it in? And then could you please do the same for the vermouth?

Z: Yeah, absolutely!

A: Thank you.

Z: So I would say, with the blueberry gin, it’s basically, the only things you really need are gin – for one. And I like to look at something that’s not… I’m not going for top shelf gin, I’m looking at something that’s probably like a London dry, cause I want something with a relatively neutral palate, so I’m using Gordon’s ’cause it’s kind of a relatively inexpensive…

A: It’s a very… yeah that’s a good one.

Z: Yeah, I find the flavor unobjectionable, but it’s not that expensive so I’m not putting it in my really premium gin. And then you basically just need a jar or other vessel that you can close. It doesn’t have to be air tight, you don’t have to worry because of the alcohol of the gin, it’s not like anything is gonna go bad, in terms of like the fruit rotting, but you just don’t want it spilling and you do wanna be able to capture the flavor. And then, basically what I do is, I have a [container that] you would put a punch in that’s got a spigot. And so I just put the gin in, and I usually do like 2 liters at a time, and then it ends up being about… oh gosh I should probably measure these things, right? It probably ends up being about 2 pounds or so of blueberries. And I throw maybe a bay leaf or two in also ‘cause I like a little bit of that additional herbal flavor, and I let it sit. And I let it sit for about ten days and then I start tasting it. And really what you’re tasting for is, you want there to be a noticeable blueberry flavor. But what I don’t want, is I don’t want it to start tasting like… if you’ve ever had dried blueberries? Or like really concentrated candy blueberry flavor, then I feel like you’ve extracted a little too much. So at that point then you just literally strain the gin off, you throw the blueberries away. I made the mistake once when I was very young in the restaurant industry of eating them and they are miserable, it just tastes like alcohol. But basically yeah, you just dump that out. I think you could theoretically do something with the blueberries, like maybe you could cook them down but there’s really very little flavor left in them…

A: Put em in pancakes and give ‘em to your kids.

Z: God! Yeah, If you want them to take three naps a day….

A: Like, Yo! I need to get some work done, I made you blueberry pancakes, enjoy!

Z: I would worry that the pan might catch on fire with all that alcohol in there. And then as far as cocktails, one of the things I like to use it in, one of my favorite spring cocktails [is] the Aviation, which is typically made with crème de violette: so gin, crème de violette, lemon and Maraschino liqueur. And what I do is, I basically just cut down a little bit on the crème de violette and Maraschino ‘cause with the fruit flavor in there, even though the gin isn’t sweet, I feel like the whole drink can get a little syrupy if you’re not careful. But I basically just do that, you get this even deeper blueberry, kind of blue color than you would get normally from the crème de violette. That’s one thing. I like it…I mean you can make just a simple gin flip. So basically, again just in, lemon juice and an egg white. [A] little bit of simple syrup or sugar if you want, to kind of sweeten it up. But really, I mean I think it’s pretty versatile, and also just as a gin and tonic, frankly. Like if you just want to pour that over some ice with some tonic water, it’s fucking delicious, it’s got a nice little kind of pale blue color, or pale purple color really and it’s great when and if the weather improves, which it will eventually here in Seattle, I promise.

E: Yeah, that sounds great!

A: So we’ll come back to you on the vermouth tip. But Erica what about you? Gimme a project.

E: Yeah, super simple project. So yesterday we launched this article with 5 simple projects that you can do at home to up your cocktail game, and the thing that I made was oleo-saccharum, which… do you guys know about this? It sounds like a crazy Latin thing but it’s actually a super-simple citrus syrup. So, it’s been used since like the 1700’s if you read David Wondrich, in either of his books, you’ll see him refer to it as really the essential ingredient in punches in classic times. You take the peels from citrus, usually you could use lemon or orange or grapefruit, and you just steep it and mix it with some sugar. And then the sugar pulls out all of those wonderful essential oils to create this beautiful syrup that, you know, in Wondrich’s telling, creates the difference between a good punch and a great punch. So it has a lot of uses other than a punch though, [and] my favorite way to use it, and I’m gonna be posting this all up on Instagram because it’s really one of the best cocktails, is an Old Fashioned. So just a rum Old Fashioned with an aged rum like El Dorado 12 year which is my favorite on its own – it’s such an incredible rum, but then I just do one teaspoon of the oleo-saccharum syrup, and bitters over a big ice cube. It’s such a beautiful cocktail. And really the only thing, like I said, to make the oleo-saccharum is that you steep the orange or citrus peels in sugar overnight, you mix it occasionally and then in the morning, anywhere from 3 to 12 hours later you can decide based on the taste. You’ve got a ready-to-go syrup. From a quantity perspective, just get and peel a cup or so worth of the peels and then you just add about a half a cup of sugar, and it creates about a little bit more than a third-cup of syrup. That can be kept in the refrigerator for a week and used in a variety of ways. You can use it in a French 75, you can use it in a whiskey sour, you can use it in a Sidecar, I mean there’s so many different applications for it. And it’s just such a wonderful lifted citrus flavor that you can’t really get any other way.

A: Dude that sounds delicious. Like…

E: It’s pretty good.

A: I also kinda wanna make some pancakes from [Zach’s] blueberries and then put your syrup on top of it, that sounds pretty good. I mean that sounds pretty good.

E: I mean that sounds pretty good.

A: That sounds pretty good.

Z: Adam, are we recording this before you have lunch or something? ‘Cause I feel like all you wanna do is eat our drinks projects.

A: Nah man I had lunch. I actually had lunch with bread I baked myself… So for me one of the things that’s fun to make is bathtub gin. So like, yes I know it’s not real gin, but basically you take a vodka, and you… I like to again, same with you Zach, not an amazing vodka, but a quality vodka, right? So like, we’re not going out here and putting Ketel [One] in this, but I’ll usually do it with something like, honestly it works really well with Smirnoff or Tito’s or something. So take a 750 ml bottle, dump it in a Mason jar – a large enough Mason jar or some sort of vessel and then it’s the same kind of idea, right? You basically flavor it with gin flavorings. So as opposed to distilling those gin flavorings into the gin, you’re just steeping them into the vodka, so I use like, cucumber peel, lemon peel, dill, you have to use…. I think you have to use juniper berry, some people disagree, but I kinda feel like it’s not gin without the juniper berry, so some dried juniper berries, you can get those at a lot of grocery stores so you shouldn’t have a problem even in the quarantine. But you can throw in a lot of other stuff too, right? You could do different kinds of teas, you can do orange….any other kind of citrus peels, I think grapefruit would be really awesome, you could also do like heat if you like it, some sort of spicy you know note to it. And then you let it sit for basically the same idea, 10 days to 14 days, stirring it I think every other day just to make sure it’s still doing its thing, and then you start tasting. And once it tastes good to you, you strain off the liquid, I like to bottle it and then you have your own kind of gin to use in a lot of different cocktails. I use it to make straight-up Martinis, I use it to make Negronis, I use it to make gin Gimlets, like all these things you would normally use regular gin for but now you have your own gin. And it’s also fun to then give to people, it’s like “hey, here’s this like gin I made.” It’s always like a good time, which is a lot of fun. We’ve talked a lot about spirit style projects, but I know Zach, we’re gonna get to your vermouth, but have either of you ever brewed beer?

E: No

Z: I have not. But you have?

A: Ahh. Yes, the best! I’ve had a lot of explosions too.

E: Really?

A: Yeah, so… I mean, I think the worst explosion was… Josh and I, the other co-founder of VinePair, we attempted to brew a Belgian tripel, that was a really bad idea. And it started re-fermenting in the bottle ‘cause it was just… it’s so much sugar and so much yeast in a Belgian tripel, and they exploded all in his closet, there was beer everywhere.

E: Oh no!

A: So that was when Naomi told me that we were never allowed to brew beer in our apartment, only in Josh’s. [But] brewing beer is super fun ‘cause I think it’s one of the easiest ways to sort of see how alcohol happens, if that makes sense?

E: Yeah.

A: You know, it’s not that… I think people get really freaked out about it because…like “oh, I read that the kitchen has to be super clean.” Like yes, cleanliness is important, but I mean you have to be clean when you cook, right? Like no one is sitting there being like “Oh, I’m gonna make some cookies and there’s like, dirt everywhere.” So as long as the counter is clean and you’ve washed the equipment with hot water and soap, the way you should wash your hands right now, everything is fine and it’s a fun project that takes, you know, four weeks. So, at the end of this whole bullshit you should emerge with a really good beer that then you can take out in the park and drink and there’s lots of amazing recipes online and you can buy kits which I’m sure are still shipping right now, to make beer and it’s a really fun project. I love doing it, we did it for like 2 years and then just sort of moved to places where we felt like it wasn’t as…we didn’t have as much space. Josh was really lucky in that one of his first apartments in New York was a big loft. So we were able to sort of brew… but you know, I bet your husband’s studio would be a perfect place to brew beer, just saying Erica.

E: I bet he does, we’ve got plenty of space up in his studio.

Z: I was gonna say, you’ve got… you can probably start a whole brewery, let alone just home brew. I have a question for you Adam, about brewing though, at home. Which is, are there styles of beer that are easier for people who’ve never done it to kind of take on? Obviously, it sounds like a Belgian tripel is a bad idea for a first beer, but is there kind of an ideal first beer?

A: Ales are the easiest. It’s very hard to do lagers because of the cold fermentations. So lagers are much more difficult than ales. And then pale ales and IPAs are actually very easy to brew at home, as long as you have the right ingredients, which again you can buy online and I have to say like we definitely brewed a bunch of different batches of IPAs and pale ales that came out really well. We actually have a home brew columnist on VinePair that writes I think monthly, or bi-weekly with different ways to brew.

E: Yep.

A: So there’s a bunch of resources there. But then also, I mean you can go down rabbit holes on Reddit and stuff like that of people who’ve like literally recreated beers. You can brew Heady Topper for yourself at home or someone’s like “Oh, I think I figured out the Pliny recipe,” so you can brew Pliny, which is crazy. So there’s a lot of fun you can have, and then the kits are easy to at least get you started, like the recipe’s there. So like literally “dump into water, boil, strain, you have this style of beer that we’ve already perfected the recipe of,” but it’s just a cool way, again, just to see how fermentation works.

E: Totally, and if you’re looking for the column on our site its BIY, “Brew it yourself,” it’s with national home-brew competition gold medal winner and certified cicerone Mandy Naglich. So that’s where you can check out dozens of articles to get a sense of best practices and projects you might wanna try out yourself.

A: Exactly, so now Zach back to you. How do you make vermouth?

Z: So I think the simplest way to do it, and I’ve mostly done it with red wine, because I find that it’s a little more…. I’ve only talked about making a white vermouth once, and I think I screwed up, so I don’t think that it’s not doable, I [just] think it’s that I didn’t kind of approach it the right way. But I will say that, before we get into the specifics, one I find about making vermouth at home is that, at least so far, I haven’t been able to kind of get the exact texture that you might expect from certain kinds of vermouth. Like if you like a really kind of rich vermouth like Carpano Antica or something like that, without adding a lot of essentially really, really reduced sugar syrup, you’re gonna have a hard time getting that real richness. And I don’t know that I can offer you a suggestion for how to get that at home, I’m not an expert. But otherwise, I mean basically what I’ve done is: I’ll take a certain amount of leftover red wine, in this case usually like you know about, yeah about 2 liters or so. So about two and half bottles, three bottles or something like that. And you take about a third of it and you reduce it over, you know over really low heat. You’re just trying to kind of cook it down a little bit. And then I would say once it’s about reduced in volume by about half, you add about a cup of sugar, and there’s your base syrup. And so at that point that’s had all the alcohol cooked out of it, so you’re not dealing with booze from that. And then basically you let it cool back down to kind of room temp, you add it to the remaining wine along with some…I mean again, you kind of want to use spices. I like to use like there’s certainly black pepper, again bay leaf I throw in there, I like to use things like coriander and cardamom, and a little bit of even cumin seed. Infusion of that along with a little bit of… you want to add some sort of spirit cause you want to bring the alcohol level up a little bit. So I sometimes will use Cognac, it definitely adds more flavor. If you have like… you can use vodka if you’ve got that that you wanna use. If you have… I mean ideally I think you would add a little bit of even higher-proof spirit, but I don’t have moonshine lying around so… that’s not an option for me…

A: What?

Z: I know, right? We haven’t talked about home distilling which is a bad idea. And also illegal most places.

A: I kinda want to do it though, but anyways keep going.

Z: Well we’ll see you at Jono’s studio too. So then… basically again, it’s just a process of waiting. It doesn’t take long. I find that within a week I’m kind of at the place I wanna be flavor-wise. But, you can kind of taste… give it a few days and then taste every day, and then at that point you just again, strain everything off, I put it right in the fridge. I find that it lasts for about a month in a pretty good state, and like I said, you know, my favorite use for it is just drinking it over ice with a little soda water or tonic because it’s kind of the best way to sort of enjoy that flavor. But it works in cocktails… I find that it actually, interestingly, does better in cocktails where you might use a fair bit of vermouth, so it works well in a Negroni. I haven’t loved it in my Manhattans, and maybe that’s just me. Again, I think it’s a texture thing. I think it feels like it waters them down a touch because it doesn’t have the viscosity that a commercially produced vermouth might have.

A: Right

Z: So in a Negroni I don’t mind it as much in part because Campari already has a lot of, you know, kind of richness and body, so it being a little lighter in flavor isn’t such a big deal. Or no, not lighter in flavor but lighter in body. But in something like a Manhattan I do find that I miss it a little bit, I miss that body that you get from vermouth a little bit. But you know you can find it… you can put it in a lot of different things. But like I said, I just like it a thing to sip over ice, with a little bit of soda water or just as is. Which is one of my favorite ways to enjoy vermouth period, so it’s not like I’m only doing that with this. But yeah… and again, if you’ve got open bottles, the nice thing about it is, you can just kind of combine stuff together. I haven’t found any issue with mixing… as long… I mean maybe if you’re mixing Beaujolais and Zinfandel you might find it a little weird but frankly even then I don’t think so. It all kind of comes together in the end. You might find slightly better results or more sort of homogenous results if you use the same wine but I don’t think any of us are at that stage so your leftover bottles… and I’ve used it with wine that’s been open for a week and it’s fine.

E: Wow!

Z: You know, you’re not looking for freshness and brightness in your vermouth for the most part, at least I’m not in the way that I would be in my wine. So you know, I wouldn’t use a three-week-old bottle. You know, another thing you could do is go buy a relatively inexpensive box of wine, you know a three liter and use that and probably end up with a very cost-effective vermouth solution.

E: Sure, sure. Yeah, that sounds like a great idea, I’d try it.

A: I dig.

Z: Well I would share it with you guys but that’s probably not gonna happen for a little while.

A: I think these have been like some really good ideas. I mean, Erica, have you got anything else?

E: Yeah, I mean I do have one more.

A: Yes!

E: I would say that a lot of people don’t realize that bitters is just a pretty simple infusion. So for that…

A: I didn’t.

E: Everyone’s talking about Everclear and how you can make your own hand sanitizer from it, but you can also use Everclear as the base for your bitters. So, really all you do to make bitters is you can take some like zest of lemons or oranges or whatever you want that main flavor base to be. And then you add cardamom, cloves, cinnamon, lemongrass, coriander, pepper, and then kind of the bittering agents that you wanna have in all bitters which are cinchona bark and gentian root, you know you can get those at natural stores or even at some bigger grocery chains. So for those things you just, you really just prepare the ingredients, divide them out into some Mason jars, and fill it up with grain alcohol. And for that you just let it sit there and kind of agitate it maybe once or twice a week for a month. And then portion it out into tiny little dropper bottles, and that’s one of my favorite holiday gifts that I typically make for people. Like to package that up with a cocktail book or something like that. And it’s a fun way to go. Maybe in this case it’s gonna be a post-apocalypse drinking gift that you can give to all your friends once you finally see them this summer.

A: I dig, I dig. Cool, so I guess you know, go home….well stay home, make one of these projects, and if you do shoot us an email at podcast@vinepair.com and let us know that you made one of the things we suggested, take a picture and share it with us, that would be awesome! Agreed?

E: Agreed.

Z: Yeah absolutely! And if you have other projects too. I would love to hear if people are trying other stuff out there that’s not stuff we covered too, cause I need some new projects.

E: Yeah, definitely. And try the sourdough, gotta move on, gotta keep going.

A: Well, as always everyone, thank you so much for listening, we hope you’re also checking out our podcast [Covid-19] Conversations, our corona diaries if you will, that we’re running in the feed three times a week. We’d love to know what you think about those as well. As always if you enjoy the podcast, if you feel like you’re getting a lot of amazing information and we’re helping make your day a little bit better please drop us a review or rating in iTunes, Stitcher, or wherever else you get our podcast. It really helps other people discover the show. And Erica, Zach, I’ll talk to you again right here, next week.

Z: Sounds great

E: See you then.

A: Thanks so much for listening to the VinePair podcast, if you enjoy listening to us every week please leave us a review or rating on iTunes, Stitcher, spotify, or wherever it is you get your podcasts, it really helps everyone else discover the show. And now for the credits:

VinePair is produced and hosted by Zach Geballe, Erica Duecy, and me: Adam Teeter. Our engineer is Nick Patri and Keith Beavers. I’d also like to give a special shout out to my VinePair co-founder Josh Malin and the rest of the VinePair team for their support. Thanks so much for listening and we’ll see you again right here next week.

The article VinePair Podcast: Drinks Projects You Can Make at Home appeared first on VinePair.

source https://vinepair.com/articles/vinepair-podcast-drinks-projects-you-can-make-at-home/

[johnboothus]

VinePair Podcast: Drinks Projects You Can Make at Home

With Covid-19 keeping many of us at home indefinitely, we’re finding all kinds of new projects to provide creative outlets. While some people are busy deep cleaning their bathrooms and perfecting their sourdough starters, we’ve opted to dial in our home drinking game — and maybe you’d like to join us? From whipping up batches of vermouth and bitters, to making quick infusions and syrups, to becoming a home brewing hobbyist, there are plenty of ways to put your at-home time to good use.

That’s the topic on this week’s VinePair podcast, where Adam, Erica, and Zach discuss their own experiences with DIY beverage projects and offer some suggestions on what to make, and how to turn those projects into great drinks.

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LISTEN ONLINE OR CHECK OUT OUR CONVERSATION HERE:

Adam: Still from my Brooklyn, NY Apartment, I’m Adam Teeter.

Erica: From Jersey City, I’m Erica Duecy.

Zach: And in my house in Seattle, Washington I’m Zach Geballe.

A: And this is the VinePair podcast and guys, I’m excited about our topic today. Which is getting into alcohol projects you can do at home. I know I’ve been taking on a ton of projects myself, not just obviously alcohol- related. I’ve been baking some bread. I’ve been….well, baking a lot. But also doing some projects around the house but, before we jump in to all of that. What have you guys been drinking? What’s been getting you through for the last week? Anything exciting? Erica?

E: Yeah, I have been tasting through a ton of rosés for the big list that we put out every year – our top 25 rosés. And I’ve been excited by some of the really affordable selections that I’ve found. You know, usually when I’m thinking about rosé, I’m thinking [about] the south of France, but actually there were some sneaker hits out of Italy for me. So, I found the Planeta rosé from Sicily, that’s a $16 bottle. And it’s on the bolder side of the rosé flavor spectrum; it’s got strawberry, guava, crushed peach notes; I was totally surprised. And this would be the type of wine that I would pair with like barbecue chicken, tacos, even pizza, it’s got that kind of bolder flavor profile which is gonna be so wonderful with all of the summertime back-yard barbecue foods.

A: Yeah man, Italian rosés.

Z: That’s awesome!

A: That was a big thing last year, in our list last year; I think Planeta made the list, and the number one was Graci. Both from Sicily, ‘cause I think, yeah those wines are surprisingly amazing. Even though you normally think of France, right? Which is nuts!

E: Totally!

Z: And it makes sense in a way ‘cause you’re dealing with a similar climate, right? You’re Mediterranean, obviously if you’re in Sicily you’re IN the middle of the Mediterranean, but we think of all the great French rosé that, in particular that come from Provence and [have a] very Mediterranean sort of influence, so I think it’s definitely the case that you can find some great rosés from […] other wine regions that border the Mediterranean. Because they’re going to have, I think generally speaking, a culture of rosé drinking that goes back, ‘cause those kinds of wines are, sometimes the red grape… or what you wanna do with red grapes in those kind of places is turn ‘em into rosé.

A: Totally. So Zach, what about you, what are you drinking man?

Z: Well as you might have noticed on Instagram yesterday, as we’re recording this on Friday, I took the opportunity, and I have been taking the opportunity, to go in and pull some bottles out of my collection that I wasn’t saving for the most special of occasions, but might have been a little loathe to open under the general mentality of, “Fuck it, I might as well!”. And as Erica might recall I wrote a piece for the site, which now feels like it ran about a million years ago, but it was I think actually just last month, on the joys of aged Italian white wines. So last night I was looking…

A: Yeah, you’ve also talked about this on the podcast multiple times. This is your thing.

Z: I have, It’s true. It’s one of my things, but for good reason! I had the opportunity…

E: I love old Italian white wines.

Z: Yeah, and I had the opportunity to have a ten-year-old bottle of Arneis, which is one of my favorite varieties, and it’s not the kind of thing that I would necessarily have every single night, but I made risotto and roasted a chicken and it’s a wine that both my wife and I love. And you know, it… I mean look, there’s a lot of horrible news and everything going on in the world and we’re gonna try to kind of sort of steer away from that in this podcast, but for me, it’s like every now and then it’s important to really center my own, or our own joy and pleasure when we can, and wines like that are opportunities to do that. So I was really glad that I was like, “OK it’s the last bottle of this I have, it’s a kind of special wine but we’re gonna open it, we’re gonna enjoy it and then I guess we’re gonna talk about it on the podcast the next day as it turns out,” so that is what I have been drinking. Adam, how about you?

A: So you know I’m going through the eight stages of… I don’t know, mourning, drinking, etc. So I have been drinking a lot of rosé for the tasting, but I won’t talk about any of those here ‘cause I think Erica already hit on that. But you know like last week when we were first like “this is happening,” I drank a lot of brown spirits. So, I found a few bourbons that I really enjoyed. I was drinking a Jefferson’s bottling that was really delicious, I was drinking some Lagavulin, so you know Scotch that I really liked. Somebody gifted me a bottle of Whistle Pig, so I enjoyed a little bit of that last week. And also like dirty Martinis for my wife — I don’t take them dirty, but I was drinking just a classic gin Martini, a little dry with a lemon twist. So I was really drinking liquor last week, and then this week I definitely transitioned back to like beer and wine. So I had a few pretty delicious IPAs that I enjoyed earlier in the week. I’m also trying to go back to my normal schedule of not drinking three to four nights a week. So I guess… so if I didn’t drink Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, so Wednesday night I had a really nice New England style IPA from Monday Night Brewing that was pretty cool, and then last night I did enjoy one of the rosé from the round up that I was like, “wow, this is just amazing.” We featured it a bunch before, Kathleen Inman’s wine, so Endless Crush is just a beautiful wine.

Z: Oh yeah!

E: Yeah, that’s great.

A: And so it was submitted again for the tasting this year, and then I was like, “well I’m not gonna dump this,” so I drank it. I have to say, Erica, I’ve been impressed for the past few years actually that there’s some really stellar rosés coming out of other countries. A lot out of California or just the West Coast in general and you know, a lot of bad ones coming out of Provence. A lot of ones that are really trading on that regional name that are getting away with like a true lack of balance or just like really harsh, off flavors, fruit that doesn’t taste super high quality. But [which] are still being [sold] for over $20 bucks because they put Provence on the label. So I thought that was interesting. There was another one that I really liked a lot that surprised me called Seaglass, that was like I think it’s like $10.99. And I remember… so I’ve been tasting with my wife Naomi which has been fun. ‘Cause you know, she loves wine but never gets to come to our office tastings when we have people in, and she turned to me and was like, “What is this wine? This is really good!” And it had come after a string of not a lot of very good wines… and I was like, “Yeah! This is really good.” And so then like we looked at it and we were like holy shit! And then we looked at the price and we were blown away. So yeah, I think it’s been fun, and then I don’t know this weekend… Tonight is pizza night, so I’m gonna make some delicious pizza and pop something good, who knows? And then maybe get back on my spirits wagon, I don’t know.

E: Yeah, I mean I’ve been going the same way too. I think I’m sort of alternating at this point. So I’ll do wine one night or a cider, and then I’ll switch over and have a cocktail but yeah, I think the things we’re gonna talk about today with the cocktail projects that’s actually gotten me pretty excited to start back into my cocktail experimentation land, I definitely went through a phase of that a couple of years ago, but I’m right back on the train now.

A: I know you’re a wine lover but when I was first introduced to you it was through the fact that you have written this cocktail book and really have this expertise in cocktails. Like the things you tell me you’re trying to do at home, like recreate a classic Martini from… I would never do. Like, I can make a really good Negroni, I can make a really good straight-up Martini, but if you ask me to recreate some of my favorite cocktails from some of my favorite cocktail bars in New York I’d be like, “nah, I’m just gonna wait ‘til they re-open.”

E: ‘Nah, I’m good!’ Yeah, I mean I definitely went through a phase like years ago where I was just making bitters all the time, making bitters from like Buddha’s hand and like all sorts of crazy citruses and so forth so I mean that’s… I think that’s one of the nice things right now, is that if we have a little bit extra time where we’re looking for something creative to do, hey start on those holiday gift projects now, you’ve got nothing else to do, [so] you might as well get creative.

A: I mean yeah, so I guess jumping straight into the topic: Zach, what sort of projects do you have in mind that people could be doing now? Or what are you working on, or wish you were working on?

Z: Well I would say that I’ll let Erica talk about things like bitters because that’s something that I don’t have a lot of experience with personally. But what I would say, and I think this is the operative thing here is, for the most part I think most of us in our daily lives, we don’t have time, and really it’s not even just that we don’t have time because a lot of these things don’t take a lot of active time. It’s just we don’t really want to commit to a couple of week-long projects, even if most of that time is spent sitting in a closet or something. And what I have started doing at home, because I anticipate having some time to commit to this, is working on some infusions. That’s something that I started doing as a bartender years ago. Basically, it’s a simple way to add flavor to a spirit. I’m mostly working with clear spirits at the moment because, while you can certainly do cool things with brown spirits, I find that if I kinda just wanna get like a simple flavor, like a fruit flavor, like I’ve got some blueberry gin going on right now, the idea there’s is basically to extract the flavor from the blueberry into the gin, and I imagine that in a couple of weeks, which is about how long these things tend to take, that the weather in Seattle may have turned to the point where sitting outside and having a drink made with blueberry gin is gonna sound really, really delightful as opposed to [how] it sounds now, which is pretty miserable ‘cause it’s pouring rain. [That’s] kinda what I’m aiming at. And then one thing that I’ve mentioned on the podcast before that I’ve done, and I think is another thing to think about doing especially for people who are home more, maybe opening wine more often but aren’t necessarily drinking a lot is vermouth. Which is a little tricky to make in that you kind of have to find the right balance in ingredients and sweetness but I’ve had some success with making vermouth and I find it actually to be more useful as something to kind of sip, a way to kind of preserve that wine – if you’re not interesting in cooking with it – or making vinegar which you can also do. I like to make vermouth and then it’s just something that I’ll pour over ice, maybe add a little bit of soda water to and it’s my afternoon (maybe while I’m cooking) beverage, ‘cause it’s lower in alcohol. And it retains some of the wine flavor but has some spice notes that you expect from vermouth.

A: So Zach, quickly. ‘Cause you know you’re talking about these things, I’m loving it, I’m getting into it, but now I’m like “how do I do it?” So first of all, with your blueberry gin, can you please explain the process, and also tell me what kind of drinks you’d put it in? And then could you please do the same for the vermouth?

Z: Yeah, absolutely!

A: Thank you.

Z: So I would say, with the blueberry gin, it’s basically, the only things you really need are gin – for one. And I like to look at something that’s not… I’m not going for top shelf gin, I’m looking at something that’s probably like a London dry, cause I want something with a relatively neutral palate, so I’m using Gordon’s ’cause it’s kind of a relatively inexpensive…

A: It’s a very… yeah that’s a good one.

Z: Yeah, I find the flavor unobjectionable, but it’s not that expensive so I’m not putting it in my really premium gin. And then you basically just need a jar or other vessel that you can close. It doesn’t have to be air tight, you don’t have to worry because of the alcohol of the gin, it’s not like anything is gonna go bad, in terms of like the fruit rotting, but you just don’t want it spilling and you do wanna be able to capture the flavor. And then, basically what I do is, I have a [container that] you would put a punch in that’s got a spigot. And so I just put the gin in, and I usually do like 2 liters at a time, and then it ends up being about… oh gosh I should probably measure these things, right? It probably ends up being about 2 pounds or so of blueberries. And I throw maybe a bay leaf or two in also ‘cause I like a little bit of that additional herbal flavor, and I let it sit. And I let it sit for about ten days and then I start tasting it. And really what you’re tasting for is, you want there to be a noticeable blueberry flavor. But what I don’t want, is I don’t want it to start tasting like… if you’ve ever had dried blueberries? Or like really concentrated candy blueberry flavor, then I feel like you’ve extracted a little too much. So at that point then you just literally strain the gin off, you throw the blueberries away. I made the mistake once when I was very young in the restaurant industry of eating them and they are miserable, it just tastes like alcohol. But basically yeah, you just dump that out. I think you could theoretically do something with the blueberries, like maybe you could cook them down but there’s really very little flavor left in them…

A: Put em in pancakes and give ‘em to your kids.

Z: God! Yeah, If you want them to take three naps a day….

A: Like, Yo! I need to get some work done, I made you blueberry pancakes, enjoy!

Z: I would worry that the pan might catch on fire with all that alcohol in there. And then as far as cocktails, one of the things I like to use it in, one of my favorite spring cocktails [is] the Aviation, which is typically made with crème de violette: so gin, crème de violette, lemon and Maraschino liqueur. And what I do is, I basically just cut down a little bit on the crème de violette and Maraschino ‘cause with the fruit flavor in there, even though the gin isn’t sweet, I feel like the whole drink can get a little syrupy if you’re not careful. But I basically just do that, you get this even deeper blueberry, kind of blue color than you would get normally from the crème de violette. That’s one thing. I like it…I mean you can make just a simple gin flip. So basically, again just in, lemon juice and an egg white. [A] little bit of simple syrup or sugar if you want, to kind of sweeten it up. But really, I mean I think it’s pretty versatile, and also just as a gin and tonic, frankly. Like if you just want to pour that over some ice with some tonic water, it’s fucking delicious, it’s got a nice little kind of pale blue color, or pale purple color really and it’s great when and if the weather improves, which it will eventually here in Seattle, I promise.

E: Yeah, that sounds great!

A: So we’ll come back to you on the vermouth tip. But Erica what about you? Gimme a project.

E: Yeah, super simple project. So yesterday we launched this article with 5 simple projects that you can do at home to up your cocktail game, and the thing that I made was oleo-saccharum, which… do you guys know about this? It sounds like a crazy Latin thing but it’s actually a super-simple citrus syrup. So, it’s been used since like the 1700’s if you read David Wondrich, in either of his books, you’ll see him refer to it as really the essential ingredient in punches in classic times. You take the peels from citrus, usually you could use lemon or orange or grapefruit, and you just steep it and mix it with some sugar. And then the sugar pulls out all of those wonderful essential oils to create this beautiful syrup that, you know, in Wondrich’s telling, creates the difference between a good punch and a great punch. So it has a lot of uses other than a punch though, [and] my favorite way to use it, and I’m gonna be posting this all up on Instagram because it’s really one of the best cocktails, is an Old Fashioned. So just a rum Old Fashioned with an aged rum like El Dorado 12 year which is my favorite on its own – it’s such an incredible rum, but then I just do one teaspoon of the oleo-saccharum syrup, and bitters over a big ice cube. It’s such a beautiful cocktail. And really the only thing, like I said, to make the oleo-saccharum is that you steep the orange or citrus peels in sugar overnight, you mix it occasionally and then in the morning, anywhere from 3 to 12 hours later you can decide based on the taste. You’ve got a ready-to-go syrup. From a quantity perspective, just get and peel a cup or so worth of the peels and then you just add about a half a cup of sugar, and it creates about a little bit more than a third-cup of syrup. That can be kept in the refrigerator for a week and used in a variety of ways. You can use it in a French 75, you can use it in a whiskey sour, you can use it in a Sidecar, I mean there’s so many different applications for it. And it’s just such a wonderful lifted citrus flavor that you can’t really get any other way.

A: Dude that sounds delicious. Like…

E: It’s pretty good.

A: I also kinda wanna make some pancakes from [Zach’s] blueberries and then put your syrup on top of it, that sounds pretty good. I mean that sounds pretty good.

E: I mean that sounds pretty good.

A: That sounds pretty good.

Z: Adam, are we recording this before you have lunch or something? ‘Cause I feel like all you wanna do is eat our drinks projects.

A: Nah man I had lunch. I actually had lunch with bread I baked myself… So for me one of the things that’s fun to make is bathtub gin. So like, yes I know it’s not real gin, but basically you take a vodka, and you… I like to again, same with you Zach, not an amazing vodka, but a quality vodka, right? So like, we’re not going out here and putting Ketel [One] in this, but I’ll usually do it with something like, honestly it works really well with Smirnoff or Tito’s or something. So take a 750 ml bottle, dump it in a Mason jar – a large enough Mason jar or some sort of vessel and then it’s the same kind of idea, right? You basically flavor it with gin flavorings. So as opposed to distilling those gin flavorings into the gin, you’re just steeping them into the vodka, so I use like, cucumber peel, lemon peel, dill, you have to use…. I think you have to use juniper berry, some people disagree, but I kinda feel like it’s not gin without the juniper berry, so some dried juniper berries, you can get those at a lot of grocery stores so you shouldn’t have a problem even in the quarantine. But you can throw in a lot of other stuff too, right? You could do different kinds of teas, you can do orange….any other kind of citrus peels, I think grapefruit would be really awesome, you could also do like heat if you like it, some sort of spicy you know note to it. And then you let it sit for basically the same idea, 10 days to 14 days, stirring it I think every other day just to make sure it’s still doing its thing, and then you start tasting. And once it tastes good to you, you strain off the liquid, I like to bottle it and then you have your own kind of gin to use in a lot of different cocktails. I use it to make straight-up Martinis, I use it to make Negronis, I use it to make gin Gimlets, like all these things you would normally use regular gin for but now you have your own gin. And it’s also fun to then give to people, it’s like “hey, here’s this like gin I made.” It’s always like a good time, which is a lot of fun. We’ve talked a lot about spirit style projects, but I know Zach, we’re gonna get to your vermouth, but have either of you ever brewed beer?

E: No

Z: I have not. But you have?

A: Ahh. Yes, the best! I’ve had a lot of explosions too.

E: Really?

A: Yeah, so… I mean, I think the worst explosion was… Josh and I, the other co-founder of VinePair, we attempted to brew a Belgian tripel, that was a really bad idea. And it started re-fermenting in the bottle ‘cause it was just… it’s so much sugar and so much yeast in a Belgian tripel, and they exploded all in his closet, there was beer everywhere.

E: Oh no!

A: So that was when Naomi told me that we were never allowed to brew beer in our apartment, only in Josh’s. [But] brewing beer is super fun ‘cause I think it’s one of the easiest ways to sort of see how alcohol happens, if that makes sense?

E: Yeah.

A: You know, it’s not that… I think people get really freaked out about it because…like “oh, I read that the kitchen has to be super clean.” Like yes, cleanliness is important, but I mean you have to be clean when you cook, right? Like no one is sitting there being like “Oh, I’m gonna make some cookies and there’s like, dirt everywhere.” So as long as the counter is clean and you’ve washed the equipment with hot water and soap, the way you should wash your hands right now, everything is fine and it’s a fun project that takes, you know, four weeks. So, at the end of this whole bullshit you should emerge with a really good beer that then you can take out in the park and drink and there’s lots of amazing recipes online and you can buy kits which I’m sure are still shipping right now, to make beer and it’s a really fun project. I love doing it, we did it for like 2 years and then just sort of moved to places where we felt like it wasn’t as…we didn’t have as much space. Josh was really lucky in that one of his first apartments in New York was a big loft. So we were able to sort of brew… but you know, I bet your husband’s studio would be a perfect place to brew beer, just saying Erica.

E: I bet he does, we’ve got plenty of space up in his studio.

Z: I was gonna say, you’ve got… you can probably start a whole brewery, let alone just home brew. I have a question for you Adam, about brewing though, at home. Which is, are there styles of beer that are easier for people who’ve never done it to kind of take on? Obviously, it sounds like a Belgian tripel is a bad idea for a first beer, but is there kind of an ideal first beer?

A: Ales are the easiest. It’s very hard to do lagers because of the cold fermentations. So lagers are much more difficult than ales. And then pale ales and IPAs are actually very easy to brew at home, as long as you have the right ingredients, which again you can buy online and I have to say like we definitely brewed a bunch of different batches of IPAs and pale ales that came out really well. We actually have a home brew columnist on VinePair that writes I think monthly, or bi-weekly with different ways to brew.

E: Yep.

A: So there’s a bunch of resources there. But then also, I mean you can go down rabbit holes on Reddit and stuff like that of people who’ve like literally recreated beers. You can brew Heady Topper for yourself at home or someone’s like “Oh, I think I figured out the Pliny recipe,” so you can brew Pliny, which is crazy. So there’s a lot of fun you can have, and then the kits are easy to at least get you started, like the recipe’s there. So like literally “dump into water, boil, strain, you have this style of beer that we’ve already perfected the recipe of,” but it’s just a cool way, again, just to see how fermentation works.

E: Totally, and if you’re looking for the column on our site its BIY, “Brew it yourself,” it’s with national home-brew competition gold medal winner and certified cicerone Mandy Naglich. So that’s where you can check out dozens of articles to get a sense of best practices and projects you might wanna try out yourself.

A: Exactly, so now Zach back to you. How do you make vermouth?

Z: So I think the simplest way to do it, and I’ve mostly done it with red wine, because I find that it’s a little more…. I’ve only talked about making a white vermouth once, and I think I screwed up, so I don’t think that it’s not doable, I [just] think it’s that I didn’t kind of approach it the right way. But I will say that, before we get into the specifics, one I find about making vermouth at home is that, at least so far, I haven’t been able to kind of get the exact texture that you might expect from certain kinds of vermouth. Like if you like a really kind of rich vermouth like Carpano Antica or something like that, without adding a lot of essentially really, really reduced sugar syrup, you’re gonna have a hard time getting that real richness. And I don’t know that I can offer you a suggestion for how to get that at home, I’m not an expert. But otherwise, I mean basically what I’ve done is: I’ll take a certain amount of leftover red wine, in this case usually like you know about, yeah about 2 liters or so. So about two and half bottles, three bottles or something like that. And you take about a third of it and you reduce it over, you know over really low heat. You’re just trying to kind of cook it down a little bit. And then I would say once it’s about reduced in volume by about half, you add about a cup of sugar, and there’s your base syrup. And so at that point that’s had all the alcohol cooked out of it, so you’re not dealing with booze from that. And then basically you let it cool back down to kind of room temp, you add it to the remaining wine along with some…I mean again, you kind of want to use spices. I like to use like there’s certainly black pepper, again bay leaf I throw in there, I like to use things like coriander and cardamom, and a little bit of even cumin seed. Infusion of that along with a little bit of… you want to add some sort of spirit cause you want to bring the alcohol level up a little bit. So I sometimes will use Cognac, it definitely adds more flavor. If you have like… you can use vodka if you’ve got that that you wanna use. If you have… I mean ideally I think you would add a little bit of even higher-proof spirit, but I don’t have moonshine lying around so… that’s not an option for me…

A: What?

Z: I know, right? We haven’t talked about home distilling which is a bad idea. And also illegal most places.

A: I kinda want to do it though, but anyways keep going.

Z: Well we’ll see you at Jono’s studio too. So then… basically again, it’s just a process of waiting. It doesn’t take long. I find that within a week I’m kind of at the place I wanna be flavor-wise. But, you can kind of taste… give it a few days and then taste every day, and then at that point you just again, strain everything off, I put it right in the fridge. I find that it lasts for about a month in a pretty good state, and like I said, you know, my favorite use for it is just drinking it over ice with a little soda water or tonic because it’s kind of the best way to sort of enjoy that flavor. But it works in cocktails… I find that it actually, interestingly, does better in cocktails where you might use a fair bit of vermouth, so it works well in a Negroni. I haven’t loved it in my Manhattans, and maybe that’s just me. Again, I think it’s a texture thing. I think it feels like it waters them down a touch because it doesn’t have the viscosity that a commercially produced vermouth might have.

A: Right

Z: So in a Negroni I don’t mind it as much in part because Campari already has a lot of, you know, kind of richness and body, so it being a little lighter in flavor isn’t such a big deal. Or no, not lighter in flavor but lighter in body. But in something like a Manhattan I do find that I miss it a little bit, I miss that body that you get from vermouth a little bit. But you know you can find it… you can put it in a lot of different things. But like I said, I just like it a thing to sip over ice, with a little bit of soda water or just as is. Which is one of my favorite ways to enjoy vermouth period, so it’s not like I’m only doing that with this. But yeah… and again, if you’ve got open bottles, the nice thing about it is, you can just kind of combine stuff together. I haven’t found any issue with mixing… as long… I mean maybe if you’re mixing Beaujolais and Zinfandel you might find it a little weird but frankly even then I don’t think so. It all kind of comes together in the end. You might find slightly better results or more sort of homogenous results if you use the same wine but I don’t think any of us are at that stage so your leftover bottles… and I’ve used it with wine that’s been open for a week and it’s fine.

E: Wow!

Z: You know, you’re not looking for freshness and brightness in your vermouth for the most part, at least I’m not in the way that I would be in my wine. So you know, I wouldn’t use a three-week-old bottle. You know, another thing you could do is go buy a relatively inexpensive box of wine, you know a three liter and use that and probably end up with a very cost-effective vermouth solution.

E: Sure, sure. Yeah, that sounds like a great idea, I’d try it.

A: I dig.

Z: Well I would share it with you guys but that’s probably not gonna happen for a little while.

A: I think these have been like some really good ideas. I mean, Erica, have you got anything else?

E: Yeah, I mean I do have one more.

A: Yes!

E: I would say that a lot of people don’t realize that bitters is just a pretty simple infusion. So for that…

A: I didn’t.

E: Everyone’s talking about Everclear and how you can make your own hand sanitizer from it, but you can also use Everclear as the base for your bitters. So, really all you do to make bitters is you can take some like zest of lemons or oranges or whatever you want that main flavor base to be. And then you add cardamom, cloves, cinnamon, lemongrass, coriander, pepper, and then kind of the bittering agents that you wanna have in all bitters which are cinchona bark and gentian root, you know you can get those at natural stores or even at some bigger grocery chains. So for those things you just, you really just prepare the ingredients, divide them out into some Mason jars, and fill it up with grain alcohol. And for that you just let it sit there and kind of agitate it maybe once or twice a week for a month. And then portion it out into tiny little dropper bottles, and that’s one of my favorite holiday gifts that I typically make for people. Like to package that up with a cocktail book or something like that. And it’s a fun way to go. Maybe in this case it’s gonna be a post-apocalypse drinking gift that you can give to all your friends once you finally see them this summer.

A: I dig, I dig. Cool, so I guess you know, go home….well stay home, make one of these projects, and if you do shoot us an email at podcast@vinepair.com and let us know that you made one of the things we suggested, take a picture and share it with us, that would be awesome! Agreed?

E: Agreed.

Z: Yeah absolutely! And if you have other projects too. I would love to hear if people are trying other stuff out there that’s not stuff we covered too, cause I need some new projects.

E: Yeah, definitely. And try the sourdough, gotta move on, gotta keep going.

A: Well, as always everyone, thank you so much for listening, we hope you’re also checking out our podcast [Covid-19] Conversations, our corona diaries if you will, that we’re running in the feed three times a week. We’d love to know what you think about those as well. As always if you enjoy the podcast, if you feel like you’re getting a lot of amazing information and we’re helping make your day a little bit better please drop us a review or rating in iTunes, Stitcher, or wherever else you get our podcast. It really helps other people discover the show. And Erica, Zach, I’ll talk to you again right here, next week.

Z: Sounds great

E: See you then.

A: Thanks so much for listening to the VinePair podcast, if you enjoy listening to us every week please leave us a review or rating on iTunes, Stitcher, spotify, or wherever it is you get your podcasts, it really helps everyone else discover the show. And now for the credits:

VinePair is produced and hosted by Zach Geballe, Erica Duecy, and me: Adam Teeter. Our engineer is Nick Patri and Keith Beavers. I’d also like to give a special shout out to my VinePair co-founder Josh Malin and the rest of the VinePair team for their support. Thanks so much for listening and we’ll see you again right here next week.

The article VinePair Podcast: Drinks Projects You Can Make at Home appeared first on VinePair.

Via https://vinepair.com/articles/vinepair-podcast-drinks-projects-you-can-make-at-home/

source https://vinology1.weebly.com/blog/vinepair-podcast-drinks-projects-you-can-make-at-home

[nolongeractive---sorry-blog]

i’ve avoided talking about this my entire life, but like, i’m an adult now and this is my blog and i want to open up about my trauma for the very first time, okay? so um,

when i was a child, i was brainwashed and recruited into a cult. they call themselves all kinds of shit– apostolics, pentecostals, church of god– but they’re not christians no matter how much they want to believe they are! it’s a fucking cult, and like i said, i’ve never talked about this before so i’m going to use some “characteristics of cults” to help me explain my experiences within the cult

The group displays excessively zealous and unquestioning commitment to its leader and (whether he is alive or dead) regards his belief system, ideology, and practices as the Truth, as law.

while they don’t have one leader, each church’s pastoral line (yes, it’s usually biologically inherited) is viewed as the Truth, law, their word is 100% correct and they have no flaws (at least not flaws that can’t be corrected by Jesus)! the pastor is a healer and can make a paraplegic rise from their wheelchair and dance! the pastor can wish financial well-being on you and you’ll magically come into large amounts of money! the pastor can put his hand on your head and your headache will disappear instantly!

Questioning, doubt, and dissent are discouraged or even punished.

you are not to speak of doubt/questioning/dissent. all other religions and beliefs are wrong. only the beliefs of the church will save you. any doubts were very, very, very unspoken of and i would’ve been terrified to speak out against them.

Mind-altering practices (such as meditation, chanting, speaking in tongues, denunciation sessions, and debilitating work routines) are used in excess and serve to suppress doubts about the group and its leader(s).

they “speak in tongues”– meaning everyone has to pray by blabbering nonsense, and sometimes we would all stand in a circle and people would take turns blabbering nonsense, and they called it “Jesus speaking directly through [those people]”. speaking in tongues happened at every service. sometimes people would say “that person’s tongues are in [language] even though they can’t speak that language!” “that person’s tongues sound like they must be an ancient version of [language]!” they taught that tongues was the holy spirit speaking through us and they were an actual language somewhere in the world. i can literally guarantee you it was entirely gibberish!!!

The leadership dictates, sometimes in great detail, how members should think, act, and feel (for example, members must get permission to date, change jobs, marry, or leaders prescribe what types of clothes to wear, where to live, whether or not to have children, how to discipline children, and so forth).

we were not allowed to date outside of church. women could not cut their hair or wear pants, and men were encouraged to dress like they were going to church even if they weren’t. homosexuality was the ultimate abomination. you couldn’t have certain jobs. you couldn’t do drugs or drink alcohol, and those things were extremely wrong and made you a horrible person. you needed permission from your family (and sometimes the church) to date and marry.

The group is elitist, claiming a special, exalted status for itself, its leader(s) and members (for example, the leader is considered the Messiah, a special being, an avatar, or the group and/or the leader is on a special mission to save humanity).

they believe they’re the only people who are going to be saved and hold themselves up above other christians and other religions. people outside of the church aren’t truly happy and don’t truly love one another. i actually remember being taught that relationships outside of the church were doomed to fail because they couldn’t truly love one another if they weren’t pentecostal. it’s the church’s purpose to “save” as many people as possible because the rapture (end of the world, where all pentecostals are saved and all non-pentecostals are doomed to destroy one another and burn in hell for all eternity) is coming soon!! soon!! very soon!! perhaps obama is the antichrist!!

The group has a polarized us-versus-them mentality, which may cause conflict with the wider society.

again, we couldn’t date outside of the church. we were taught that we were the holiest of people. there were good people, and there were bad people, and we were the good people. everyone else was bad, evil, corrupt, sinning! our church was perfect and happy and nothing bad ever happened within it. everything outside was tainted and evil and scary. we were actually taught that people who believe in evolution were inherently racist because it meant they believed that nonwhite (more specifically, black) people were closer to apes than white people! yeah, seriously! we were taught that shit! we were also taught that Harry Potter was of the devil and rock music and shit was about satan lmao

The leadership induces feelings of shame and/or guilt in order to influence and/or control members. Often, this is done through peer pressure and subtle forms of persuasion.

the church would spread rumors about you if they didn’t think you were being “pure” enough. this happened to me and became the final straw in my leaving the church, actually. i wasn’t tithing (donating 10% of your income to the church, which was thoroughly documented btw) because 1. i was a fucking child and 2. i was dirt poor!! and they started spreading it around that i was cutting my hair and wearing jeans outside of church, which i wasn’t. they were constantly pitting members against members who weren’t “doing well enough” to serve the church

Subservience to the leader or group requires members to cut ties with family and friends, and radically alter the personal goals and activities they had before joining the group.

if you’re truly part of the church, you can’t be in contact with friends and family who aren’t, because they’re corrupt and will try to corrupt you. people were constantly pressured to stop talking to their family and friends who weren’t pentecostal. you had to minister to people and/or go on a “mission” (you go to poor countries and brainwash desperate people into believing in God). you were supposed to go to bible camp, retreats, etc. and you were supposed to attend church at least three times a week (mine usually met four times per week, and that’s excluding times we would visit sister churches in other cities)

The group is preoccupied with bringing in new members.

again, they center around brainwashing children, the poor, the weak, the vulnerable in any way, shape, or form

The group is preoccupied with making money.

they excommunicated A FUCKING CHILD for not donating 10% of my income lmao??? literally you had to donate birthday money, christmas money, your paycheck, mortgage/loans, whatever, any kind of income you had, 10% had to go to the church. and btw the church looked like shit but the pastoral family had 10 acres of land and nice, brand new, expensive shit, none of them had jobs outside of the church. i wonder where all the tithes went??? :-)

Members are expected to devote inordinate amounts of time to the group and group-related activities.

i touched on this one a bit ago but yeah basically all of your extracurricular activities were within the church and they discouraged you from participating in extracurricular activities at school or elsewhere

Members are encouraged or required to live and/or socialize only with other group members.

touched on this already

The most loyal members feel there can be no life outside the context of the group. They believe there is no other way to be, and often fear reprisals to themselves or others if they leave (or even consider leaving) the group.

this is extremely true and leaving them was, and still is, soooo fucking hard!!! they literally had me convinced that nobody outside of the church could be kindhearted. nobody outside of the church had the capacity to love. nobody outside of the church was trustworthy. nobody outside of the church wasn’t evil, and all of their thoughts/actions/etc. were tainted by the devil. you would never love or be loved. you would never find happiness. you would never be financially secure. you would never be healed if you were sick. oh, btw, a lot of people didn’t get treatment for their or their childrens’ conditions. like i said, we believed the pastor was a healer!

they also taught that people could have special abilities. one person could see a word over someone else’s head, that was whatever sin they’re struggling with. as mentioned, another person could put their hand on you and heal you, or another person could magically know another language. i remember a speech where a woman talked about how she had an abortion and she could hear the baby scream and stuff, and looking back, i now know that it was a performance based entirely around fearmongering. i remember so many fearmongering sermons, honestly. i used to take notes, so they’re really ingrained in my head, even after all these years

this is so cathartic but at the same time i’m anxious and shaking lmao! like, it’s been years, i know that none of what they taught is true and they can’t hurt me, but i left the cult scarred with PTSD, OCD, and anxiety. the reason i’m talking about all of this for the first time is because my new manager is in the cult. i saw her and just knew. i see people out in public and just know. it fills me with a feeling like i’m going to puke and i get overwhelmed and usually i can just go home, but this time, i can’t bc i’m at work :-) 

it prompted me to read stories from other ex-members of the cult and i was reminded of things like the term “backslider”, which was used to describe people who left the church and “went back to being ~worldly~” or whatever? and that children were conditioned to being afraid of the dark, afraid of being alone, afraid of demonic activity (especially in scary movies, which i still can’t watch to this day because even though i know they’re not actually scary, i was brainwashed into believing they were evil and if you watched them you’d be letting demons into your life and they would corrupt and kill you)

they made it impossible to make friends because all of your friends were in the church, so i and many other ex-members had and/or have a very difficult time developing and perfecting social skills. i was taught that swearing was evil. we were taught to say “oh my word” instead of “oh my god”, or other phrases. i’ve noticed that myself as well as other ex-members swear a ton and used “oh my god”, “jesus fucking christ”, etc. deliberately taking “god’s” name in vain and swearing to excess, as a means of therapy, or maybe defiance, or a combination of both from being so demonized by the church

apparently we all still struggle with flashbacks to the brainwashing songs we heard, learned, and sang. in general, we all seem to experience varying levels of PTSD, OCD, and anxiety as a direct result from the cult, which isn’t uncommon of cults, but it’s only recently that i’ve begun to allow myself to look back on it and recognize that it was a cult, it did this to me, and it’s fueled…many of my beliefs and interests, to put it quietly. i’m still not ready to talk about all of it. this is literally the most i’ve said about it in the last six years. i’ve never discussed it in detail. i’ve rarely allowed myself to think about it in detail. i have never told anyone about it directly– not friends, family, partners, therapists…nobody :-) 

so yeah here’s a lot of baggage unloaded lmao i’m going to try to relax now!!!! this is more than enough for today!!!!!

[isaiahrippinus]

VinePair Podcast: Drinks Projects You Can Make at Home

With Covid-19 keeping many of us at home indefinitely, we’re finding all kinds of new projects to provide creative outlets. While some people are busy deep cleaning their bathrooms and perfecting their sourdough starters, we’ve opted to dial in our home drinking game — and maybe you’d like to join us? From whipping up batches of vermouth and bitters, to making quick infusions and syrups, to becoming a home brewing hobbyist, there are plenty of ways to put your at-home time to good use.

That’s the topic on this week’s VinePair podcast, where Adam, Erica, and Zach discuss their own experiences with DIY beverage projects and offer some suggestions on what to make, and how to turn those projects into great drinks.

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LISTEN ONLINE OR CHECK OUT OUR CONVERSATION HERE:

Adam: Still from my Brooklyn, NY Apartment, I’m Adam Teeter.

Erica: From Jersey City, I’m Erica Duecy.

Zach: And in my house in Seattle, Washington I’m Zach Geballe.

A: And this is the VinePair podcast and guys, I’m excited about our topic today. Which is getting into alcohol projects you can do at home. I know I’ve been taking on a ton of projects myself, not just obviously alcohol- related. I’ve been baking some bread. I’ve been….well, baking a lot. But also doing some projects around the house but, before we jump in to all of that. What have you guys been drinking? What’s been getting you through for the last week? Anything exciting? Erica?

E: Yeah, I have been tasting through a ton of rosés for the big list that we put out every year – our top 25 rosés. And I’ve been excited by some of the really affordable selections that I’ve found. You know, usually when I’m thinking about rosé, I’m thinking [about] the south of France, but actually there were some sneaker hits out of Italy for me. So, I found the Planeta rosé from Sicily, that’s a $16 bottle. And it’s on the bolder side of the rosé flavor spectrum; it’s got strawberry, guava, crushed peach notes; I was totally surprised. And this would be the type of wine that I would pair with like barbecue chicken, tacos, even pizza, it’s got that kind of bolder flavor profile which is gonna be so wonderful with all of the summertime back-yard barbecue foods.

A: Yeah man, Italian rosés.

Z: That’s awesome!

A: That was a big thing last year, in our list last year; I think Planeta made the list, and the number one was Graci. Both from Sicily, ‘cause I think, yeah those wines are surprisingly amazing. Even though you normally think of France, right? Which is nuts!

E: Totally!

Z: And it makes sense in a way ‘cause you’re dealing with a similar climate, right? You’re Mediterranean, obviously if you’re in Sicily you’re IN the middle of the Mediterranean, but we think of all the great French rosé that, in particular that come from Provence and [have a] very Mediterranean sort of influence, so I think it’s definitely the case that you can find some great rosés from […] other wine regions that border the Mediterranean. Because they’re going to have, I think generally speaking, a culture of rosé drinking that goes back, ‘cause those kinds of wines are, sometimes the red grape… or what you wanna do with red grapes in those kind of places is turn ‘em into rosé.

A: Totally. So Zach, what about you, what are you drinking man?

Z: Well as you might have noticed on Instagram yesterday, as we’re recording this on Friday, I took the opportunity, and I have been taking the opportunity, to go in and pull some bottles out of my collection that I wasn’t saving for the most special of occasions, but might have been a little loathe to open under the general mentality of, “Fuck it, I might as well!”. And as Erica might recall I wrote a piece for the site, which now feels like it ran about a million years ago, but it was I think actually just last month, on the joys of aged Italian white wines. So last night I was looking…

A: Yeah, you’ve also talked about this on the podcast multiple times. This is your thing.

Z: I have, It’s true. It’s one of my things, but for good reason! I had the opportunity…

E: I love old Italian white wines.

Z: Yeah, and I had the opportunity to have a ten-year-old bottle of Arneis, which is one of my favorite varieties, and it’s not the kind of thing that I would necessarily have every single night, but I made risotto and roasted a chicken and it’s a wine that both my wife and I love. And you know, it… I mean look, there’s a lot of horrible news and everything going on in the world and we’re gonna try to kind of sort of steer away from that in this podcast, but for me, it’s like every now and then it’s important to really center my own, or our own joy and pleasure when we can, and wines like that are opportunities to do that. So I was really glad that I was like, “OK it’s the last bottle of this I have, it’s a kind of special wine but we’re gonna open it, we’re gonna enjoy it and then I guess we’re gonna talk about it on the podcast the next day as it turns out,” so that is what I have been drinking. Adam, how about you?

A: So you know I’m going through the eight stages of… I don’t know, mourning, drinking, etc. So I have been drinking a lot of rosé for the tasting, but I won’t talk about any of those here ‘cause I think Erica already hit on that. But you know like last week when we were first like “this is happening,” I drank a lot of brown spirits. So, I found a few bourbons that I really enjoyed. I was drinking a Jefferson’s bottling that was really delicious, I was drinking some Lagavulin, so you know Scotch that I really liked. Somebody gifted me a bottle of Whistle Pig, so I enjoyed a little bit of that last week. And also like dirty Martinis for my wife — I don’t take them dirty, but I was drinking just a classic gin Martini, a little dry with a lemon twist. So I was really drinking liquor last week, and then this week I definitely transitioned back to like beer and wine. So I had a few pretty delicious IPAs that I enjoyed earlier in the week. I’m also trying to go back to my normal schedule of not drinking three to four nights a week. So I guess… so if I didn’t drink Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, so Wednesday night I had a really nice New England style IPA from Monday Night Brewing that was pretty cool, and then last night I did enjoy one of the rosé from the round up that I was like, “wow, this is just amazing.” We featured it a bunch before, Kathleen Inman’s wine, so Endless Crush is just a beautiful wine.

Z: Oh yeah!

E: Yeah, that’s great.

A: And so it was submitted again for the tasting this year, and then I was like, “well I’m not gonna dump this,” so I drank it. I have to say, Erica, I’ve been impressed for the past few years actually that there’s some really stellar rosés coming out of other countries. A lot out of California or just the West Coast in general and you know, a lot of bad ones coming out of Provence. A lot of ones that are really trading on that regional name that are getting away with like a true lack of balance or just like really harsh, off flavors, fruit that doesn’t taste super high quality. But [which] are still being [sold] for over $20 bucks because they put Provence on the label. So I thought that was interesting. There was another one that I really liked a lot that surprised me called Seaglass, that was like I think it’s like $10.99. And I remember… so I’ve been tasting with my wife Naomi which has been fun. ‘Cause you know, she loves wine but never gets to come to our office tastings when we have people in, and she turned to me and was like, “What is this wine? This is really good!” And it had come after a string of not a lot of very good wines… and I was like, “Yeah! This is really good.” And so then like we looked at it and we were like holy shit! And then we looked at the price and we were blown away. So yeah, I think it’s been fun, and then I don’t know this weekend… Tonight is pizza night, so I’m gonna make some delicious pizza and pop something good, who knows? And then maybe get back on my spirits wagon, I don’t know.

E: Yeah, I mean I’ve been going the same way too. I think I’m sort of alternating at this point. So I’ll do wine one night or a cider, and then I’ll switch over and have a cocktail but yeah, I think the things we’re gonna talk about today with the cocktail projects that’s actually gotten me pretty excited to start back into my cocktail experimentation land, I definitely went through a phase of that a couple of years ago, but I’m right back on the train now.

A: I know you’re a wine lover but when I was first introduced to you it was through the fact that you have written this cocktail book and really have this expertise in cocktails. Like the things you tell me you’re trying to do at home, like recreate a classic Martini from… I would never do. Like, I can make a really good Negroni, I can make a really good straight-up Martini, but if you ask me to recreate some of my favorite cocktails from some of my favorite cocktail bars in New York I’d be like, “nah, I’m just gonna wait ‘til they re-open.”

E: ‘Nah, I’m good!’ Yeah, I mean I definitely went through a phase like years ago where I was just making bitters all the time, making bitters from like Buddha’s hand and like all sorts of crazy citruses and so forth so I mean that’s… I think that’s one of the nice things right now, is that if we have a little bit extra time where we’re looking for something creative to do, hey start on those holiday gift projects now, you’ve got nothing else to do, [so] you might as well get creative.

A: I mean yeah, so I guess jumping straight into the topic: Zach, what sort of projects do you have in mind that people could be doing now? Or what are you working on, or wish you were working on?

Z: Well I would say that I’ll let Erica talk about things like bitters because that’s something that I don’t have a lot of experience with personally. But what I would say, and I think this is the operative thing here is, for the most part I think most of us in our daily lives, we don’t have time, and really it’s not even just that we don’t have time because a lot of these things don’t take a lot of active time. It’s just we don’t really want to commit to a couple of week-long projects, even if most of that time is spent sitting in a closet or something. And what I have started doing at home, because I anticipate having some time to commit to this, is working on some infusions. That’s something that I started doing as a bartender years ago. Basically, it’s a simple way to add flavor to a spirit. I’m mostly working with clear spirits at the moment because, while you can certainly do cool things with brown spirits, I find that if I kinda just wanna get like a simple flavor, like a fruit flavor, like I’ve got some blueberry gin going on right now, the idea there’s is basically to extract the flavor from the blueberry into the gin, and I imagine that in a couple of weeks, which is about how long these things tend to take, that the weather in Seattle may have turned to the point where sitting outside and having a drink made with blueberry gin is gonna sound really, really delightful as opposed to [how] it sounds now, which is pretty miserable ‘cause it’s pouring rain. [That’s] kinda what I’m aiming at. And then one thing that I’ve mentioned on the podcast before that I’ve done, and I think is another thing to think about doing especially for people who are home more, maybe opening wine more often but aren’t necessarily drinking a lot is vermouth. Which is a little tricky to make in that you kind of have to find the right balance in ingredients and sweetness but I’ve had some success with making vermouth and I find it actually to be more useful as something to kind of sip, a way to kind of preserve that wine – if you’re not interesting in cooking with it – or making vinegar which you can also do. I like to make vermouth and then it’s just something that I’ll pour over ice, maybe add a little bit of soda water to and it’s my afternoon (maybe while I’m cooking) beverage, ‘cause it’s lower in alcohol. And it retains some of the wine flavor but has some spice notes that you expect from vermouth.

A: So Zach, quickly. ‘Cause you know you’re talking about these things, I’m loving it, I’m getting into it, but now I’m like “how do I do it?” So first of all, with your blueberry gin, can you please explain the process, and also tell me what kind of drinks you’d put it in? And then could you please do the same for the vermouth?

Z: Yeah, absolutely!

A: Thank you.

Z: So I would say, with the blueberry gin, it’s basically, the only things you really need are gin – for one. And I like to look at something that’s not… I’m not going for top shelf gin, I’m looking at something that’s probably like a London dry, cause I want something with a relatively neutral palate, so I’m using Gordon’s ’cause it’s kind of a relatively inexpensive…

A: It’s a very… yeah that’s a good one.

Z: Yeah, I find the flavor unobjectionable, but it’s not that expensive so I’m not putting it in my really premium gin. And then you basically just need a jar or other vessel that you can close. It doesn’t have to be air tight, you don’t have to worry because of the alcohol of the gin, it’s not like anything is gonna go bad, in terms of like the fruit rotting, but you just don’t want it spilling and you do wanna be able to capture the flavor. And then, basically what I do is, I have a [container that] you would put a punch in that’s got a spigot. And so I just put the gin in, and I usually do like 2 liters at a time, and then it ends up being about… oh gosh I should probably measure these things, right? It probably ends up being about 2 pounds or so of blueberries. And I throw maybe a bay leaf or two in also ‘cause I like a little bit of that additional herbal flavor, and I let it sit. And I let it sit for about ten days and then I start tasting it. And really what you’re tasting for is, you want there to be a noticeable blueberry flavor. But what I don’t want, is I don’t want it to start tasting like… if you’ve ever had dried blueberries? Or like really concentrated candy blueberry flavor, then I feel like you’ve extracted a little too much. So at that point then you just literally strain the gin off, you throw the blueberries away. I made the mistake once when I was very young in the restaurant industry of eating them and they are miserable, it just tastes like alcohol. But basically yeah, you just dump that out. I think you could theoretically do something with the blueberries, like maybe you could cook them down but there’s really very little flavor left in them…

A: Put em in pancakes and give ‘em to your kids.

Z: God! Yeah, If you want them to take three naps a day….

A: Like, Yo! I need to get some work done, I made you blueberry pancakes, enjoy!

Z: I would worry that the pan might catch on fire with all that alcohol in there. And then as far as cocktails, one of the things I like to use it in, one of my favorite spring cocktails [is] the Aviation, which is typically made with crème de violette: so gin, crème de violette, lemon and Maraschino liqueur. And what I do is, I basically just cut down a little bit on the crème de violette and Maraschino ‘cause with the fruit flavor in there, even though the gin isn’t sweet, I feel like the whole drink can get a little syrupy if you’re not careful. But I basically just do that, you get this even deeper blueberry, kind of blue color than you would get normally from the crème de violette. That’s one thing. I like it…I mean you can make just a simple gin flip. So basically, again just in, lemon juice and an egg white. [A] little bit of simple syrup or sugar if you want, to kind of sweeten it up. But really, I mean I think it’s pretty versatile, and also just as a gin and tonic, frankly. Like if you just want to pour that over some ice with some tonic water, it’s fucking delicious, it’s got a nice little kind of pale blue color, or pale purple color really and it’s great when and if the weather improves, which it will eventually here in Seattle, I promise.

E: Yeah, that sounds great!

A: So we’ll come back to you on the vermouth tip. But Erica what about you? Gimme a project.

E: Yeah, super simple project. So yesterday we launched this article with 5 simple projects that you can do at home to up your cocktail game, and the thing that I made was oleo-saccharum, which… do you guys know about this? It sounds like a crazy Latin thing but it’s actually a super-simple citrus syrup. So, it’s been used since like the 1700’s if you read David Wondrich, in either of his books, you’ll see him refer to it as really the essential ingredient in punches in classic times. You take the peels from citrus, usually you could use lemon or orange or grapefruit, and you just steep it and mix it with some sugar. And then the sugar pulls out all of those wonderful essential oils to create this beautiful syrup that, you know, in Wondrich’s telling, creates the difference between a good punch and a great punch. So it has a lot of uses other than a punch though, [and] my favorite way to use it, and I’m gonna be posting this all up on Instagram because it’s really one of the best cocktails, is an Old Fashioned. So just a rum Old Fashioned with an aged rum like El Dorado 12 year which is my favorite on its own – it’s such an incredible rum, but then I just do one teaspoon of the oleo-saccharum syrup, and bitters over a big ice cube. It’s such a beautiful cocktail. And really the only thing, like I said, to make the oleo-saccharum is that you steep the orange or citrus peels in sugar overnight, you mix it occasionally and then in the morning, anywhere from 3 to 12 hours later you can decide based on the taste. You’ve got a ready-to-go syrup. From a quantity perspective, just get and peel a cup or so worth of the peels and then you just add about a half a cup of sugar, and it creates about a little bit more than a third-cup of syrup. That can be kept in the refrigerator for a week and used in a variety of ways. You can use it in a French 75, you can use it in a whiskey sour, you can use it in a Sidecar, I mean there’s so many different applications for it. And it’s just such a wonderful lifted citrus flavor that you can’t really get any other way.

A: Dude that sounds delicious. Like…

E: It’s pretty good.

A: I also kinda wanna make some pancakes from [Zach’s] blueberries and then put your syrup on top of it, that sounds pretty good. I mean that sounds pretty good.

E: I mean that sounds pretty good.

A: That sounds pretty good.

Z: Adam, are we recording this before you have lunch or something? ‘Cause I feel like all you wanna do is eat our drinks projects.

A: Nah man I had lunch. I actually had lunch with bread I baked myself… So for me one of the things that’s fun to make is bathtub gin. So like, yes I know it’s not real gin, but basically you take a vodka, and you… I like to again, same with you Zach, not an amazing vodka, but a quality vodka, right? So like, we’re not going out here and putting Ketel [One] in this, but I’ll usually do it with something like, honestly it works really well with Smirnoff or Tito’s or something. So take a 750 ml bottle, dump it in a Mason jar – a large enough Mason jar or some sort of vessel and then it’s the same kind of idea, right? You basically flavor it with gin flavorings. So as opposed to distilling those gin flavorings into the gin, you’re just steeping them into the vodka, so I use like, cucumber peel, lemon peel, dill, you have to use…. I think you have to use juniper berry, some people disagree, but I kinda feel like it’s not gin without the juniper berry, so some dried juniper berries, you can get those at a lot of grocery stores so you shouldn’t have a problem even in the quarantine. But you can throw in a lot of other stuff too, right? You could do different kinds of teas, you can do orange….any other kind of citrus peels, I think grapefruit would be really awesome, you could also do like heat if you like it, some sort of spicy you know note to it. And then you let it sit for basically the same idea, 10 days to 14 days, stirring it I think every other day just to make sure it’s still doing its thing, and then you start tasting. And once it tastes good to you, you strain off the liquid, I like to bottle it and then you have your own kind of gin to use in a lot of different cocktails. I use it to make straight-up Martinis, I use it to make Negronis, I use it to make gin Gimlets, like all these things you would normally use regular gin for but now you have your own gin. And it’s also fun to then give to people, it’s like “hey, here’s this like gin I made.” It’s always like a good time, which is a lot of fun. We’ve talked a lot about spirit style projects, but I know Zach, we’re gonna get to your vermouth, but have either of you ever brewed beer?

E: No

Z: I have not. But you have?

A: Ahh. Yes, the best! I’ve had a lot of explosions too.

E: Really?

A: Yeah, so… I mean, I think the worst explosion was… Josh and I, the other co-founder of VinePair, we attempted to brew a Belgian tripel, that was a really bad idea. And it started re-fermenting in the bottle ‘cause it was just… it’s so much sugar and so much yeast in a Belgian tripel, and they exploded all in his closet, there was beer everywhere.

E: Oh no!

A: So that was when Naomi told me that we were never allowed to brew beer in our apartment, only in Josh’s. [But] brewing beer is super fun ‘cause I think it’s one of the easiest ways to sort of see how alcohol happens, if that makes sense?

E: Yeah.

A: You know, it’s not that… I think people get really freaked out about it because…like “oh, I read that the kitchen has to be super clean.” Like yes, cleanliness is important, but I mean you have to be clean when you cook, right? Like no one is sitting there being like “Oh, I’m gonna make some cookies and there’s like, dirt everywhere.” So as long as the counter is clean and you’ve washed the equipment with hot water and soap, the way you should wash your hands right now, everything is fine and it’s a fun project that takes, you know, four weeks. So, at the end of this whole bullshit you should emerge with a really good beer that then you can take out in the park and drink and there’s lots of amazing recipes online and you can buy kits which I’m sure are still shipping right now, to make beer and it’s a really fun project. I love doing it, we did it for like 2 years and then just sort of moved to places where we felt like it wasn’t as…we didn’t have as much space. Josh was really lucky in that one of his first apartments in New York was a big loft. So we were able to sort of brew… but you know, I bet your husband’s studio would be a perfect place to brew beer, just saying Erica.

E: I bet he does, we’ve got plenty of space up in his studio.

Z: I was gonna say, you’ve got… you can probably start a whole brewery, let alone just home brew. I have a question for you Adam, about brewing though, at home. Which is, are there styles of beer that are easier for people who’ve never done it to kind of take on? Obviously, it sounds like a Belgian tripel is a bad idea for a first beer, but is there kind of an ideal first beer?

A: Ales are the easiest. It’s very hard to do lagers because of the cold fermentations. So lagers are much more difficult than ales. And then pale ales and IPAs are actually very easy to brew at home, as long as you have the right ingredients, which again you can buy online and I have to say like we definitely brewed a bunch of different batches of IPAs and pale ales that came out really well. We actually have a home brew columnist on VinePair that writes I think monthly, or bi-weekly with different ways to brew.

E: Yep.

A: So there’s a bunch of resources there. But then also, I mean you can go down rabbit holes on Reddit and stuff like that of people who’ve like literally recreated beers. You can brew Heady Topper for yourself at home or someone’s like “Oh, I think I figured out the Pliny recipe,” so you can brew Pliny, which is crazy. So there’s a lot of fun you can have, and then the kits are easy to at least get you started, like the recipe’s there. So like literally “dump into water, boil, strain, you have this style of beer that we’ve already perfected the recipe of,” but it’s just a cool way, again, just to see how fermentation works.

E: Totally, and if you’re looking for the column on our site its BIY, “Brew it yourself,” it’s with national home-brew competition gold medal winner and certified cicerone Mandy Naglich. So that’s where you can check out dozens of articles to get a sense of best practices and projects you might wanna try out yourself.

A: Exactly, so now Zach back to you. How do you make vermouth?

Z: So I think the simplest way to do it, and I’ve mostly done it with red wine, because I find that it’s a little more…. I’ve only talked about making a white vermouth once, and I think I screwed up, so I don’t think that it’s not doable, I [just] think it’s that I didn’t kind of approach it the right way. But I will say that, before we get into the specifics, one I find about making vermouth at home is that, at least so far, I haven’t been able to kind of get the exact texture that you might expect from certain kinds of vermouth. Like if you like a really kind of rich vermouth like Carpano Antica or something like that, without adding a lot of essentially really, really reduced sugar syrup, you’re gonna have a hard time getting that real richness. And I don’t know that I can offer you a suggestion for how to get that at home, I’m not an expert. But otherwise, I mean basically what I’ve done is: I’ll take a certain amount of leftover red wine, in this case usually like you know about, yeah about 2 liters or so. So about two and half bottles, three bottles or something like that. And you take about a third of it and you reduce it over, you know over really low heat. You’re just trying to kind of cook it down a little bit. And then I would say once it’s about reduced in volume by about half, you add about a cup of sugar, and there’s your base syrup. And so at that point that’s had all the alcohol cooked out of it, so you’re not dealing with booze from that. And then basically you let it cool back down to kind of room temp, you add it to the remaining wine along with some…I mean again, you kind of want to use spices. I like to use like there’s certainly black pepper, again bay leaf I throw in there, I like to use things like coriander and cardamom, and a little bit of even cumin seed. Infusion of that along with a little bit of… you want to add some sort of spirit cause you want to bring the alcohol level up a little bit. So I sometimes will use Cognac, it definitely adds more flavor. If you have like… you can use vodka if you’ve got that that you wanna use. If you have… I mean ideally I think you would add a little bit of even higher-proof spirit, but I don’t have moonshine lying around so… that’s not an option for me…

A: What?

Z: I know, right? We haven’t talked about home distilling which is a bad idea. And also illegal most places.

A: I kinda want to do it though, but anyways keep going.

Z: Well we’ll see you at Jono’s studio too. So then… basically again, it’s just a process of waiting. It doesn’t take long. I find that within a week I’m kind of at the place I wanna be flavor-wise. But, you can kind of taste… give it a few days and then taste every day, and then at that point you just again, strain everything off, I put it right in the fridge. I find that it lasts for about a month in a pretty good state, and like I said, you know, my favorite use for it is just drinking it over ice with a little soda water or tonic because it’s kind of the best way to sort of enjoy that flavor. But it works in cocktails… I find that it actually, interestingly, does better in cocktails where you might use a fair bit of vermouth, so it works well in a Negroni. I haven’t loved it in my Manhattans, and maybe that’s just me. Again, I think it’s a texture thing. I think it feels like it waters them down a touch because it doesn’t have the viscosity that a commercially produced vermouth might have.

A: Right

Z: So in a Negroni I don’t mind it as much in part because Campari already has a lot of, you know, kind of richness and body, so it being a little lighter in flavor isn’t such a big deal. Or no, not lighter in flavor but lighter in body. But in something like a Manhattan I do find that I miss it a little bit, I miss that body that you get from vermouth a little bit. But you know you can find it… you can put it in a lot of different things. But like I said, I just like it a thing to sip over ice, with a little bit of soda water or just as is. Which is one of my favorite ways to enjoy vermouth period, so it’s not like I’m only doing that with this. But yeah… and again, if you’ve got open bottles, the nice thing about it is, you can just kind of combine stuff together. I haven’t found any issue with mixing… as long… I mean maybe if you’re mixing Beaujolais and Zinfandel you might find it a little weird but frankly even then I don’t think so. It all kind of comes together in the end. You might find slightly better results or more sort of homogenous results if you use the same wine but I don’t think any of us are at that stage so your leftover bottles… and I’ve used it with wine that’s been open for a week and it’s fine.

E: Wow!

Z: You know, you’re not looking for freshness and brightness in your vermouth for the most part, at least I’m not in the way that I would be in my wine. So you know, I wouldn’t use a three-week-old bottle. You know, another thing you could do is go buy a relatively inexpensive box of wine, you know a three liter and use that and probably end up with a very cost-effective vermouth solution.

E: Sure, sure. Yeah, that sounds like a great idea, I’d try it.

A: I dig.

Z: Well I would share it with you guys but that’s probably not gonna happen for a little while.

A: I think these have been like some really good ideas. I mean, Erica, have you got anything else?

E: Yeah, I mean I do have one more.

A: Yes!

E: I would say that a lot of people don’t realize that bitters is just a pretty simple infusion. So for that…

A: I didn’t.

E: Everyone’s talking about Everclear and how you can make your own hand sanitizer from it, but you can also use Everclear as the base for your bitters. So, really all you do to make bitters is you can take some like zest of lemons or oranges or whatever you want that main flavor base to be. And then you add cardamom, cloves, cinnamon, lemongrass, coriander, pepper, and then kind of the bittering agents that you wanna have in all bitters which are cinchona bark and gentian root, you know you can get those at natural stores or even at some bigger grocery chains. So for those things you just, you really just prepare the ingredients, divide them out into some Mason jars, and fill it up with grain alcohol. And for that you just let it sit there and kind of agitate it maybe once or twice a week for a month. And then portion it out into tiny little dropper bottles, and that’s one of my favorite holiday gifts that I typically make for people. Like to package that up with a cocktail book or something like that. And it’s a fun way to go. Maybe in this case it’s gonna be a post-apocalypse drinking gift that you can give to all your friends once you finally see them this summer.

A: I dig, I dig. Cool, so I guess you know, go home….well stay home, make one of these projects, and if you do shoot us an email at podcast@vinepair.com and let us know that you made one of the things we suggested, take a picture and share it with us, that would be awesome! Agreed?

E: Agreed.

Z: Yeah absolutely! And if you have other projects too. I would love to hear if people are trying other stuff out there that’s not stuff we covered too, cause I need some new projects.

E: Yeah, definitely. And try the sourdough, gotta move on, gotta keep going.

A: Well, as always everyone, thank you so much for listening, we hope you’re also checking out our podcast [Covid-19] Conversations, our corona diaries if you will, that we’re running in the feed three times a week. We’d love to know what you think about those as well. As always if you enjoy the podcast, if you feel like you’re getting a lot of amazing information and we’re helping make your day a little bit better please drop us a review or rating in iTunes, Stitcher, or wherever else you get our podcast. It really helps other people discover the show. And Erica, Zach, I’ll talk to you again right here, next week.

Z: Sounds great

E: See you then.

A: Thanks so much for listening to the VinePair podcast, if you enjoy listening to us every week please leave us a review or rating on iTunes, Stitcher, spotify, or wherever it is you get your podcasts, it really helps everyone else discover the show. And now for the credits:

VinePair is produced and hosted by Zach Geballe, Erica Duecy, and me: Adam Teeter. Our engineer is Nick Patri and Keith Beavers. I’d also like to give a special shout out to my VinePair co-founder Josh Malin and the rest of the VinePair team for their support. Thanks so much for listening and we’ll see you again right here next week.

The article VinePair Podcast: Drinks Projects You Can Make at Home appeared first on VinePair.

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