#I hope you escape that shitty ass community because it is built on hate and anything built on hate with crumble and take you with it.

[problematicattraction]

from one disabled therian to another, get out of the radqueer community :( it only causes harm, you will genuinely be so much happier when you leave

No.

I used to be an anti-radqueer.

Being an anti-radqueer made me want to kill myself.

Hope this helps.

[marmolady]

Broken Chains: End of Paradise

Book/Series: Endless Summer

Main Pairings: Estela x MC/Taylor (f)

Summary: Post-ending (Endless ending). The weight of the world on one person’s shoulders... a burden like that can only be held for so long. 

Word Count: 5815

The first part of a longer fic (I’m expecting five chapters). No warnings here, I think, just mild language. Kinda sad and angsty.

Next chapter: Broken Chains: A Year and a Day

The rising sun washed out the death-glow on the horizon, and La Huerta became what it was in the daytime; a paradise.

In the months since the rooftop confrontation with Rourke; the final showdown that had seen the would-be Emperor dead and the Catalysts sealed in their safe haven of a time bubble, life had begun to move on. It had not been long at all before it became clear that it simply wouldn’t be sustainable to continue living in The Celestial. With well over one thousand suites, the scale of the place was immense, and maintaining it to a liveable standard increasingly difficult. In its enormity, it often felt like a ghost town, with entire floors eerily empty. There had, of course, been differences of opinion, with some wanting to remain in the luxurious surrounds, however difficult it might be to manage, while others were ready to move on, put their own stamp on La Huerta. In the end, the foundations for Catalyst Village were built upon the edge of the grassy plain beside Elyys’tel. It was a significant trek, but the proximity to Varyyn, to a thriving community, all of which would help them find their feet, made it a no-brainer.  It was slow progress, even with the help of many strong and grateful Vaanti, but the beginnings of a new home gave everyone a sense of moving forward, of making a life on La Huerta their own.

Taylor threw herself into the work with abandon. It was her fault, and her fault alone, that her friends had no homes to return to, and she saw it as her responsibility to make this new life a good one. Nothing she ever did felt like enough. All the love she had could not bring back what was taken from them. She didn’t know how much longer she could live with herself… not while knowing that it was within her power to heal their every hurt. Her wife, her courageous, indomitable Estela would hold her in her arms, tell her that she’d learn to find peace with what had happened, that she’d done the right thing, but Taylor no longer believed it. The burning on the horizon each night seared into her soul, a festering wound that refused to heal. Taylor realised she didn’t want it to. She deserved every painful reminder of the choice she’d made.

Putting in the vast wooden floor for a central community space-- a place for the Catalysts to gather together-- was the major task for the week. It was hot work under the blazing sun. Taylor worked alongside Sean, Jake, Craig and Estela, determined to make some good progress. She’d noticed that Sean, usually one to overwork himself until he dropped out of sheer willpower to provide for his friends, was flagging.

“Hey, you wanna take a break?” Taylor asked, handing Sean his water bottle. “You look like you’ve been working yourself too hard. There’s no big rush to pull this place up, you know.” It’s not like we’re going anywhere.

Sean wiped the sweat from his brow. “All right, we’ll take ten.” He gratefully accepted his water and wandered towards the ocean, his eyes glazed as if her were lost, so far away.

Taylor quietly followed after him, waiting for him to speak. It looked to her as though he was on the verge of tears. “Sean…”

“It would have been her birthday today,” he said a heavy sigh. “Momma’s fiftieth.” Instinctively, he looked out to sea, where he knew that so many miles away, the home they’d shared continued to burn.

“Oh,” Was all Taylor could say. All of a sudden, it felt like her chest was in a vice. She put her hand on Sean’s arm, hoping that he could feel how much she cared. It’s all your fault. His mother is dead because of you! You good as killed her—killed them all. If anyone deserves to burn it’s…

“I’d been planning for two years. Putting money away for a Hawaiian cruise. Just to give her some time out, to enjoy some luxury for a change. I would have given her the world if I could.”

“Sean, I’m… I’m so sorry.”

Sean put his hands to his face, breathing through his emotions, unable to tear his wistful gaze from the horizon. “We got it all wrong, Taylor. We should have gone home; she’d be alive now if we’d just…” His shoulders heaved. “I should have stopped you.”

The clench on Taylor’s heart tightened. He was right. Of course, he was right. A sick feeling rose up in her, hot and fierce. Maybe I could… maybe I could fix it. Would you hate me if I left? You should fucking hate me now….

“Argh… I’m sorry. It’s not fair to heap it on you.” Sean clapped Taylor on the shoulder. “You’ve been nothing but heroic through all of this. You were always the glue that held us together. I just… I sometimes wish I’d never got on that damn plane. No one would be saved, but… I’d have been there. I’d have been able to hold her when the end came… I owed her that much.”

Taylor pulled him into a tight hug. It was how she dealt with everything these days. Just keep hugging and maybe everyone would stop hurting. It didn’t work. It didn’t fucking work. She’d been in denial. There was only one way to heal the hurt that had been done. It had been a long time coming, but it was finally sinking in. She swayed on the spot, violently nauseous.

“I might sit this one out…” Sean was saying, “you don’t mind? I hate to let you guys down…”

Somehow managing not to wince, Taylor pulled herself together enough to be the support she had to be. “Are you serious? You’re not made of stone. You need to let yourself feel this, to work through it.” She rubbed Sean’s arm, and looked up to him with a small, kind smile. “Talk to someone… someone who gets it. You know you can’t look after anyone else if you don’t care for yourself first.”

Sean gave Taylor’s arm a loving little punch. “For someone who’s only a few months old, it’s amazing the wisdom you come out with.”

“I try.”

Taylor looked up at the sound of splashing, and saw Jake and Craig crashing into the water. “Huh, guess everyone’s taking a break anyway.”

Estela approached, pulling her shirt over her head.

“Hey, gorgeous.” Taylor gave her a peck on the cheek. Don’t cry. Don’t freak her out; not yet.

“Hey. Do you want to come cool off? Muscles over there had the bright idea for us to show him how to fight. You look like you need a laugh.”

Taylor shook her head apologetically. She couldn’t. Not while the guilt, the shame, choked her. But she had to think it through…. if she was going to throw away everything, throw away the future she’d promised Estela, she needed space to get her head straight. Even the thought made her want to be sick.

How could you even think of doing this to her?

Because it’s right. Because you know it’s the only right thing. Her uncle is dead because if you-- how do you even look her in the eye?

“I think I’m gonna call it a day. Not feeling so great.”

Estela studied her wife’s face with concern, a finger stroking to Taylor’s chin. “You look pale. Do you want me to get you anything?”

“Nah-- just gonna sleep until I don’t feel so shitty.” She didn’t think she could handle having Estela around her… not when what she was contemplating amounted to betrayal. “I think some quiet time on my own would do me good. I’ll see you later, okay?”

“Okay.” Estela kissed her temple, slowly, tenderly. Something… something didn’t feel right. Honestly, it had been a few days coming. Or was it weeks? Every now and then, Taylor would get so distant… not like Taylor at all. Had she been feeling ill, or…? Right now, it looked as though she might burst into tears. “Taylor… if you need me… even just to hold you, we don’t have to talk if it’s too much… I’m right here. Always.”

Taylor nuzzled in against Estela’s neck, taking in the comfort of her scent. If she could just hide from the world, snuggled up away from all the pain she’d caused, just the two of them, she’d do it. The shadows had simply crept too far in; there was no more hiding. “You old softy,” she mumbled. “Go on; go kick Craig’s ass. For me.”

  Pulling the curtains closed, Taylor was relieved to be alone, hidden from all the people she’d let down. She fumbled, and realised she was shaking. The guilt was suffocating… she couldn’t fight it any longer. Before she knew what was happening, she was curled up in bed, crying piteously. The thought came to her, strong and certain; she couldn’t keep doing this any longer, couldn’t pretend that she was capable of living through the guilt. She had to go… she had to go. How could she ever have been so foolish to think she could escape what she truly was? She’d never been the same as her friends --her family-- and she never could be. How dare she say that she loved them, when she’d stripped them of everything their lives had been and ever could be? Naïve, they looked at her as a hero, someone who’d move heaven and earth for them. It was all a sick, twisted lie. Taylor had been so caught up in her need for them, the eleven people who’d made her the person she was, that she’d almost believed it.

She’d tried to find a way out. La Huerta had been one challenge after another; she’d met each one head-on. Desperately, she’d briefly seen her destiny as just something else that could be overcome-- she simply needed to work out how. But when faced with the possibility of implementing a modified version of Project Janus with Iris’ assistance, most of the Catalysts had baulked. Long hours of discussion saw the reaching of an agreed-upon conclusion; time was not theirs to manipulate, and even the slightest foray in that direction would only happen if the decision to do so was unanimous. Taylor had understood. They wouldn’t become imitations of Rourke, and that was for the best. But then she was trapped.

The swooping feeling in her stomach became violent, and Taylor had to rush to the bathroom to vomit. Fear clenched at her gut. What she faced was losing everything; everything that made her the person she was, every single person she loved, everything familiar. She sat, trembling, on the bathroom floor, her breaths becoming frantic. She thought of her friends. They were her whole world. But they had so much more. She’d seen their futures, felt their hope, and she couldn’t deny them that any longer. Craig deserved to see his little brother grow up, to be the role model she knew he was, even if he didn’t believe it himself. Michelle deserved to reach her far horizon, to reap the rewards of her sheer dedication, to be the heroine Taylor knew she was. Quinn… Diego… their families splintered… it should not have ended like that; she should never have let that happen. Raj and Sean had their own stars to reach, and they’d do it, make their loved ones so proud. Tears streaming down her face, Taylor lurched over the toilet bowl, sick once more.

I’ve gotta… I’ve gotta do it. Leave.

Then she thought of Estela, and the ache in her heart increased tenfold. Estela had lost too damn much. On a knife’s edge from losing her own humanity, she’d found a new truth in Taylor’s arms. Taylor had promised her a life of love and devotion, a life of peace that she’d never known, a future she’d never need face alone. Vaanu had made a liar out of her. A liar to the person whose heart she swore she’d never break. Repulsed, Taylor lost all control, hyperventilating, sobbing, feeling as though she’d drown in the hatred she felt for herself.

It was an hour or so later when the door opened, a beam of light entering the dark room. Estela was struck by the gloom, and the fact that Taylor was not, as she’d expected, asleep in bed.

“…Taylor…? Cariña, are you alright?” She crept into the bathroom, her heart thundering, and found Taylor slumped over the toilet. “Have you been sick?” No response. “I can get Michelle for you.”

Taylor shook her head and messily wiped her bloodshot eyes. “I don’t wanna see anyone right now.” She felt a pair of strong arms around her and the guilt intensified. Then Estela was rubbing her back, murmuring soft words of comfort that were too faint to make out.

A gentle whisper against her ear. “I’ve got you, mi amor…” Estela placed a kiss between Taylor’s shoulders. She was so tense, her eyes looked glazed over, she was almost… almost unrecognisable. “Taylor…do you feel sick? Do you wanna go back to bed?”

Without saying anything, Taylor wobbled to her feet, and let Estela lead her to the bed and tuck her in. The deep concern in her scarred face was difficult to look at. If she only knew….

After a while and some half hour of Taylor’s pleading, Estela reluctantly left her, joining the others for dinner. Taylor assured her that she needn’t bring back food for her, she’d only be sick again, anyhow. There had been no pushing to get at what the problem was, which was appreciated. To actually say the words… even the thought was enough to send Taylor spiralling once again.

There was, though, only really one thing that could have sent Taylor into such despair, and Estela knew it. So many times she’d held Taylor as she’d cried into her chest, wracked with guilt and self-doubt. On occasion, she’d even voiced that horrifying thought… “maybe I need to accept what I am and leave… maybe I’ve gotta let you all go.” Eating dinner surrounded by friends, Estela had little appetite. She could tell herself that the reason she didn’t pry too far into what was wrong was simply that she didn’t want her wife to feel pressured, but it was more than that. The cold dread in the pit of her stomach told her exactly what was causing Taylor such distress. Estela didn’t want to hear her say it, to give confirmation that their life together, the happiness she once thought she’d never have, would soon be shattered. To have just a few more hours of sweet denial… to almost believe that she might have a future with the woman she loved… she couldn’t let it go.

Estela returned to the pitch-black room and placed down a small plate on the table. There was only silence; Taylor lay beneath the covers, not stirring. She undressed and climbed in beside her, lying close, but refraining from putting an arm around her as she usually would, not wanting to wake her when she was feeling so unwell.

“I love you, Taylor,” she whispered.

Her eyes closed, Taylor pretended to sleep. She heard a sniff and realised that Estela was crying. Every instinct told her to hold her, to kiss away her tears, but any amount of comfort offered would be dishonest. I’m so sorry, my love. I’m just so sorry.

   The new day dawned, and the certainty of what Taylor had to do redoubled. She curled up, fighting in vain to loosen the iron first that clenched around her heart. The tears kept coming. Realisation… it hurt so much. Estela put her arm around her, but she shrugged it away. Knowing what she had to do, the distance would be kinder. She didn’t know how she could even look her wife in the eye. Her wife… if Taylor had known, how could she have ever made that promise?

“You need space… okay.” Estela respectfully edged away and sat up in bed. She looked over Taylor, eyebrows knitted with worry. The slow dawning left an ache creeping into her soul. The lie they’d told themselves… the future, the family they’d have together, the happiness they’d share; it was crumbling. Totally lost, Estela could only stare into space. She couldn’t accept it… this couldn’t be happening… it couldn’t….

The morning passed slowly, not a word said. There was so much that couldn’t be put into words. Words would never be enough, would never make it bearable. Taylor felt like a monster. Trapped between enabling a world that was no world at all and shattering the life of the person who was her whole world, she couldn’t move for causing agony to the people she cared about. A knock on the door echoed through the heavy silence. Neither woman responded.

“Hey, Taylor,” came Diego’s voice, “everything all right?”

Taylor rubbed her eyes dry, sat up, and tried to collect herself. “Yeah, fine. Just wiped out after yesterday’s hike, that’s all.” Another lie.

“Sorry, guess I finally broke her,” Estela said, playing along. “I’ll make sure she gets some rest, okay?”

“Can I come in?”

Taylor snapped before she could help herself. “I told you-- I’m exhausted! Just leave me alone and let me get some sleep. When are you gonna grow up and stop following me around like some lovesick puppy?”

Immediately, she felt utterly sick. There was silence on the other side of the door. “Diego-- I…” But he’d already backed away. Estela was staring at her, thunderstruck. “Maybe… maybe you should go too. I’m not exactly pleasant to be around right now. I need to be on my own.”

Estela got up slowly, never taking her eyes off Taylor, who’d curled back into a ball. It was like looking at a stranger, and it scared her half to death. “If that’s what you need, I’ll go. But I won’t be far, okay? If you need anything, I’m here.” She paused at the door. “I love you. No matter what; I love you.”

Taylor had to bite back sobs. She waited until the door was closed once more before whispering, “I love you too…” and then broke down in tears.

Leaning against the other side of the door, Estela wept.

Taylor lay in bed, despondent, unable to do a thing save for stare into space, lost in heartache. The sky darkened, and it occurred to her that she hadn’t moved for an entire day. Surely, by now, people would be asking after her. She wasn’t ready to face anyone, to answer questions, and hoped that Diego had put out a warning that she needed space. God, poor Diego. Every now and then, she’d think she heard movements in the hall outside, but she remained undisturbed. In spite of her intention to remain disconnected, she ached to be near to Estela. Unable to take it any longer, she walked unsteadily towards the door, hoping that she’d stayed close. Taylor pushed the door ajar, and Estela was right there, leaning against the wall, her knees tucked up against her chest.

Taylor’s voice wobbled, grief and guilt getting the better of her. “Have… have you been there all day?”

“I’m worried about you, Taylor. How the hell could I not be? This… isn’t you.”

“I know… it’s just…” Taylor sighed heavily. She couldn’t hide anymore. It was pointless; Estela was no fool, she knew exactly what was wrong. Pushing her away… it wasn’t making it easier, if anything it was worse. “You know what it is. And I wish I could tell you it’s not what you think…”

“Don’t. Don’t go. Please.” Estela’s voice shook with quiet desperation, with anguish.

Taylor’s breath caught in her throat. Estela’s pleas hit her like a knife twisting in her chest. No words could make this better… make it hurt any less. Words weren’t needed anyway. She slumped to the floor and pulled Estela into her arms. The tears came easily, and they cried together, bodies convulsing in agony. When they could cry no more, they sat in silence, hand in hand, taking strength from one another.

“Estela, I…”

“Don’t apologize.” Estela’s lip trembled. “I wish you wouldn’t do this, but… I’m gonna be behind you, taking you wherever you need to go…” She gave a small, dry sob. “…even if it means the end.”

Taylor looked into that face; those intense eyes… her Estela. A stronger force of nature she’d never encounter. The woman who’d once told her that she’d burn the whole world for her… and yet she couldn’t offer the same. For Taylor, Estela had been willing to choose a different path, to abandon her quest for vengeance. She came through for her without question. “I love you. I love you… I love you. I don’t want it to be like this… I don’t wanna go. I wanna be with you… I just… I love you so much.”

“I know. And I know you wouldn’t if you thought there was another way… but our life, Taylor… we were gonna be so happy… you and me…” Estela exhaled slowly. The pain was almost unbearable, but she was well-practiced in channelling her emotion into achieving what needed to be done. It was how she survived. Right now, Taylor was in pieces; she needed her. “I love you too,” she said quietly, lacing her fingers with Taylor’s, giving a reassuring squeeze. “I know you know that. Come on; you should eat something. I’ll go raid the kitchen and then I’ll be right back, okay?”

A gentle kiss to her fingers made Taylor’s eyes sting once more. She watched Estela walk away and took a deep breath. In a horrible way, it felt as though a weight had been lifted from her chest, one that had been growing heavier and heavier. The price to be paid was… everything. In her heart of hearts, she knew that it had to happen. Sooner or later, she’d have to accept the responsibility she had to everyone she loved, even those who’d rather she wouldn’t. Her mind was made up now, and she needed to make the time count. First thing the next day, she’d have to tell Diego how truly sorry she was, how she’d been lashing out at the world, not at him.

Taylor crept back into the room, greeted by the cat-- herself a gift from Estela, a promise of a family together-- with a deep ‘mow’. She crawled under the covers, squeezing her eyes shut while the kitten rubbed faces with her. “Ugh, thanks, girl. Not really in the mood, but thanks.” Despairing, she focused her mind, reaching out.

“Vaanu… I can make you whole. You can leave.”

She felt the voice that returned to her throughout her body. It was as though Vaanu had been impatiently waiting, knowing that her conscience would win out in spite of everything. In spite of Estela, and the future that had been promised. “Everything in its own time. You will return to your source and all will be healed. I have missed your presence in me.”

Taylor felt ill. She was a human being. A. Human. Being. Did Vaanu have no comprehension of who she truly was? How could she belong with Vaanu now, after everything she’d become? They might have given her the spark of life, but as far as she was concerned, it was her friends who’d made her who and what she was.

Tentatively, she voiced her last, frail hope. For a loophole-- anything that might save her and Estela. “Is there a way… I- I’m not the same being I was when you created me. I’m not all you. I’m also… I’m also them. Can’t you just, just take the part of me that’s you? The human in me… what good is it to you anyway?”

Silence for a long while, then Vaanu spoke to her again. “Your life force is not of this world. What you have become… is neither truly of one world or the other. I had not imagined your tie to humanity would be so strong. But that which keeps you living, is the piece of my soul.”

“So… if you tried to separate your being from me, I would… die?”

“It is impossible to say for certain… the future cannot be known. You have grown rooted in human form, built from your experiences, your bonds. It is a significant part of your being, but, I believe, not enough to sustain your life. Should I leave you, death would be the likely outcome.”

Likely. Taylor’s heart skipped a beat. She held onto the word, feeling a glimmer of hope. A way out. A gamble. A chance that might be immeasurably small, but a chance all the same. “But it might be… possible?”

The voice that Taylor felt vibrate through her was sad. “There is a chance you could survive as a human, free from my spirit. It is your choice. Only you can force the separation. I would not wish to see you perish, child of mine. Not when I can bring you safely home.”

Death did not feel a great risk. Being taken away, an infinity away from everything she was, that was no different to death in her eyes. If she was to die, she would die as a human, as she saw herself.

“I will return what is yours,” she said, resolutely. “In time. You have my word, and I won’t break it. I’ve just gotta be ready. I’ve got promises I’ve made to people-- I won’t break my word to them either.”

Vaanu’s presence slowly vanished, and Taylor tuned back in to her surroundings. Estela was still not back. Even after a few minutes, she missed her. It was amazing how precious each second felt when one knew their lifespan was limited. Quickly, the longing became intense, and it was only the dread of running into anyone else that stopped her from following. Taylor took the cat, Madam, in her arms and stared expectantly at the door.

Finally, it creaked open. “Hey…” Estela tried to smile, but the effect was rather lopsided. It wasn’t as if she was fooling anyone anyway.

“Hey…” Taylor reached out her hand, desperate to feel her close by, to touch her.

Estela took Taylor’s hand in her own and sat beside her on the bed with a kiss to her forehead. “I managed to find some spiced meats. That way if you need to cry, you can blame it on the food-- it’s hot.”

“Or you’re getting revenge on me by melting my poor face off?”

“You got me.” Estela laughed, though how she could not be sure-- delirium probably. She hadn’t felt so desperately sad since… since her mother… and yet Taylor could still make her smile. But even the fleeting light-heartedness was painful, for it was a reminder of all that would soon be lost. With the heaviest of sighs, Estela lay back in the bed, her head against Taylor’s lap. “You eat it. I’m not so hungry right now.”

“You haven’t eaten all day…”

“I haven’t been hungry all day.”

Madam padded across the bed and sniffed at the meat. As the scent hit her nose, she gave an angry hiss.

Taylor looked at the plate with trepidation before cautiously digging in. “Holy fu—” She spat a mouthful onto the floor. “Hot! Hot!”

“Oh, you wimp! Here, I’ll help you.” Estela picked up a darker piece. “Try this; these don’t have as much bite.”

“And you couldn’t have just told me that?” Taylor felt her mouth burn as she chewed, but at least it wasn’t inedible. She breathed heavily. It wasn’t as though she had much appetite anyhow. Having eaten a small fill, she draped herself over Estela’s chest, her fingers tracing the tattoo she’d had there. The Andromeda sigil. The chain… a chain that tied Taylor to another world, one that was not theirs. The rise and fall of her chest, the steady heartbeat; it was all so calming, as were the kisses that peppered her face. More than anything, Taylor wished they could remain like this forever. She could dream… she could hope… that maybe that chain represented something else; something holding her to earth, to her friends, to who she truly was. That she was tethered to Estela with a bond even her destiny couldn’t sever. Her eyelids were so heavy they had become painful; she couldn’t think about it any longer. “…Estela-baby… I know it’s early, but you don’t mind if I get some sleep. I’m just… wrecked.”

“You’re not the only one…” Estela sighed, playing with a strand of her love’s hair. She didn’t know how she’d ever sleep, not with her worst fear being realised before her… but by god was she tired.

Taylor sat up and undressed herself, her movements ungainly in her weariness. She felt an affectionate gaze upon her naked form, and it made her blush. Without saying a word, Estela could always make her feel beautiful, and so, so loved.

Having switched off the light, Estela slipped out of her clothes and crawled into bed beside Taylor. The feel of her bare skin was soothing in its intimacy. She nestled in close, spooning her, arms wrapped possessively around her chest. Her sweet Taylor… there was nobody on the face of the earth stronger of heart, nor anyone braver. She could hold onto her Taylor for ever. She cursed Vaanu, who’d created her soulmate only to cruelly rip her away. To put the world on one person’s shoulders… it had been torture, and the thought filled Estela with fury. Taylor had never deserved that kind of burden. Vaanu did not care for her; they certainly did not love her. There was not a damn thing Estela could do… not a thing, except to surround her wife, her partner, her sunshine, with all the love she needed to keep her putting one foot in front of the other. She stroked Taylor’s side, her arm, her face, kissing the soft skin on her neck and shoulder, watching as emotional exhaustion finally got the better of her. Then, with no one awake to hear her, Estela cried herself to sleep.

   Taylor woke late that night to a wet shoulder and hands clenched around her chest in an iron grip. She put her arms around Estela’s and gave her a gentle squeeze. “I love you,” she whispered, silently cursing the words for being so woefully inadequate.

“I love you,” Estela murmured into Taylor’s hair. “If I could go with you…”

“I know… I know.” A tear trickled down Taylor’s cheek as she turned to face her wife. She looked so small, so vulnerable, so unlike herself. It just wasn’t fair. Every bone in her body told her that this was what she was here for… to be Estela’s person, her soulmate. Their love could not be undone by two thousand twists of time, and yet they were to be forced a world apart. Taylor couldn’t accept it. She’d die, drained of Vaanu’s spirit before she’d let herself leave. Her heart belonged to her friends. Her heart belonged to Estela. There was no doubt in her mind now… she had to try and stay, even if it cost her life.

She whispered, her eyes locked with Estela’s, wishing she could offer some reassurance. “I’m gonna fight it, okay? Vaanu can take what they need but… I would rather die as me than go on as something else, somewhere else. I’ve seen Vaanu’s world… I don’t belong there.”

Estela’s stomach turned to ice. “Taylor… Taylor, you can’t just let yourself die.”

Taylor touched her forehead against her love’s, and felt the tears come faster. “What’s the difference? I wouldn’t be me anymore. At least there might be a chance… maybe I’d be totally broken, but maybe I’d be alive. If there was the smallest chance in the world…”

Estela’s hand wrapped around Taylor’s head, cradling her, stroking her damp hair. She didn’t dare feel hope. “You always stood by me, whatever path I chose. I know you were scared for me.” She closed her eyes, feeling Taylor’s breath against her face, ragged with emotion. “I promise, I will never, never leave you. But be sure… You’re the brightest light in this world… something like that, it shouldn’t be destroyed.”

Pressing a kiss, soft, full of feeling, against Estela’s lips, Taylor had no doubt in her mind. “Then I’m gonna have to be strong to survive this.”

Estela returned the kiss, and hoped that the fear that raged through her didn’t show in her eyes as they flickered open. The most important question, the one she couldn’t bear to speak, finally forced its way to the surface. “How long…?”

“I, um, I want to wait a little while. I dunno if it’s gonna make it harder or easier… I just… I don’t think I’m ready. I don’t think we’re ready. I promised you a year and a day… and I would never, ever go back on that word to you. So, I guess… after that…” Taylor winced. How strange it was to be so matter-of-fact, planning a date as if it was just any other event. Again, Estela had closed her eyes tight, distress was radiating off her. It was agonising, and Taylor couldn’t imagine it was possible to loathe herself more. “It’s never gonna be enough. I’m so sorry.”

“Every day with you is more than I ever thought possible.” Estela’s voice wavered. “I should be grateful. I am, but… how the hell do I face the days that come after?”

Taylor bit her lip as a lump rose in her throat. “We’ve gotta believe that it won’t be the end. You made a fighter out of me, and I will fight to stay. They say that after a year and a day after handfasting, our spirits will be joined forever. I don’t care if it’s clutching at straws-- I’ve gotta believe it makes a difference. I believe in us, ‘Stel.”

Estela kissed her deeply, hanging onto the feeling as if it was all that was keeping her going. Life had shattered her belief in so much… but in Taylor… in the love they shared… her faith would never waver.

They held one another through the night, but a breath apart. Sleep did not come easily, with each drifting off in fits and starts. It was the beginning of a new way of living, one with a deadline hanging over them, ominously, a dark cloud that could not be escaped. In the arms of one another, though, they had just enough sunlight, enough hope, to stay alive.