#I just mean like....Blinding is a work I'm still very proud of. many elements of it are cool. I did some things cleverly

[skollwolf]

I know I wrote Blinding back in like 2013 but even to this day my villain origin story is when people comment that they're glad Tony has a happy ending in it

[sns-tropes]

fic: heart in your hands: ch10

Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6,

Chapter 7, Chapter 8, Chapter 9

chapter summary: Just when he thought he had it figured out, he's lost again. His only compass: a loudmouth blonde.

pairing: sasuke/naruto (ninja!verse) post-698

rating: Mature

warnings: angst, hurt/comfort

A/N: heyyyyy peeps. uhh so i was gonna scrap this whole fic. but then i thought, hey, no, i'm actually proud of this thing that i did. so anyway, here's another chapter. it's kind of angsty lowkey. i'm semi-satisfied with this chapter. hope you guys like it.

- jeni

The balcony is chilly. Sasuke lets the smoke fill his lungs through the end of a filtered stick of tobacco. He looks down over the side of the railing. He can see Shikamaru down there, striding slow, hands in his pockets like usual. Shikamaru looks up at him. Sasuke can’t see expression very well. He can’t see anything very well lately. He might need glasses. He might really be going blind by the time he hits thirty. Maybe even before.

It’s not light out yet. The sun hasn’t come up yet. There’s just a dim promise of it starting to creep up over the Konoha treetops in the distance. He sighs deeply. He doesn’t change out of his sleep pants and he doesn’t put his shoes on either. He strides through the apartment passing a sleeping Naruto in the bed, not bothering to put his cigarette out. Smoke briefly billows as he passes to the front door and down the steps. He feels strange, and a little too exposed. Shirtless. Armless. Makes him glad the village is still asleep.  

Shikamaru is there at the base of the steps, standing on the cobblestone quite expectantly.  

He raises a brow, taking in Sasuke’s demeanor.  

“You haven’t slept.” 

Sasuke takes a drag silently and blinks slowly, letting that be his only answer.  

He gestures for Sasuke to walk with him. Sasuke follows for a morning stroll, still not caring about being barefoot. He feels reckless this morning. 

He doesn’t know why they walk towards the gates. It seems like a mute point to come here. It used to be a place where he stood so many times and looked back at the village with the thought that he would never return. Funny how as much as he wanted it, it never quite worked out.  

“Why’re we here?” Sasuke mumbles around nothing, pulling another cigarette from his pocket and lighting it with pure, concentrated chakra.  

Shikamaru smirks, amused. “I’ve created a monster.” He says teasingly. 

Sasuke shrugs. “Maybe.” 

Shikamaru holds his hand out in waiting. Sasuke hands him the pack. Shikamaru lights his own quite mundanely with a regular lighter, mumbling something about how he’s not as crafty as Sasuke. 

“You didn’t pass.” 

“I didn’t.” Sasuke confirms, surprisingly feeling no tension over the confession.  

“What did Naruto say?” 

Sasuke smirks, eyes fixed on the thick brush of the forest. “That I don’t need to prove anything to anyone.” 

“He would say that.” 

Sasuke hums in response, taking another drag. Naruto isn’t angry or disappointed. Naruto loves him. But why does Naruto doubt him? Why does he think he’ll leave again? He never said it out loud, but his subconscious says otherwise. Sasuke is at an impasse with himself. Naruto fears are buried so deep that he’s not even fully aware of them. Sasuke doesn’t know how to bring something like that up.  

Perhaps if there’s nothing grounding Sasuke to the village, Naruto assumes he will have no reason to stay here at all. And then he he’ll simply leave him. Leave him like he’s always done.  

“What now?” Shikamaru pries, picking up on Sasuke’s brooding easily. Not that it’s hard to do in the first place. 

“Wanna run away.” Sasuke half jokes. 

“Shut up. No you don’t.” Shikamaru scolds, somehow managing to sound bored like always, but in a weird, wise kind of way. “What about Naruto?” 

Sasuke laughs bitterly. “Want him to run away with me.” 

Shikamaru scoffs. “You’re living in a romance novel.” 

“So?” He says defiantly. So what if he is? Is that so bad? It's about time he did. 

“So you think he would really do that?” Shikamaru  asks, almost condescendingly. 

“Don’t know.” 

He doesn’t know. He doesn’t know anything. And it doesn’t show besides the slight tremor in his hand, but he is terrified. Terrified of even bringing it up. He was terrified always. Even a few months ago when he first brought it up. When he threatened to leave again and Naruto doubled over in sheer panic, losing his breath at the very thought.  

“Tell him.” in a natural situation, it’s a fair suggestion, but really, it’s not. He doesn’t understand. 

Sasuke laughs bitterly at this. Tell him he says, like it’s really that easy. Like it’s so feasible. Shikamaru doesn’t know about how Naruto’s breathe stops in his lungs, how he doubles over in fear, how he has haunting dreams about being left all alone again.  

Sasuke can’t bear that. It makes him wince with regret to even think about how long it went on over the years. 

“You don’t have to run away Sasuke.” Shikamaru states, tone laced with finality. “Don’t tell him you want to run away. Tell him you want to leave. And then ask if he’d like to come with you.” 

“Okay. That’ll go well.” He quips sarcastically. 

“You’re so fucking thick sometimes.” 

“Excuse me?” He deadpans.  

“You don’t have to be permanently gone. You’re not going missing-nin, jackass. Just go away for a while. Both of you. Take a damn vacation.” 

“Vacation.” He repeats, feeling dumb. 

“Yeah. A vacation.” He’s never heard Shikamaru talk so much. “Then come back.” He finishes his stolen cigarette, then crushes it in the dirt. 

Sasuke looks down at the glowing ash as it dies down, his mind buzzing as Shikamaru walks away from him. 

Sasuke looks into field study. He knows it’s a long shot, and it kind of feels like he’s reaching at this point. But he knows that if he wants to leave with the promise of returning, he can’t come back empty handed.   

He sets an appointment with Sakura for late afternoon. Yes, an appointment. Apparently, she's much too busy to meet casually. When he sits down in her office she looks tired, but concerned. She seems eager to hear him out. She looks at him expectantly, knowing that he failed his evaluation.  

He’s not sure how to open the subject. Her eyes scan over the meeting request, so formal and strange.  

“You smell like smoke.” 

He hums in affirmation, ignoring her nose scrunching is displeasure and she reads on. 

“Field study?” She deadpans. “What did they do to you during that exam?” 

Sasuke sighs, displeased. Not what he wanted to hear. 

“No, no, I'm not rejecting the idea.” Her eyes lift, tossing the useless form in the trash. “There isn't much to cover. Field study is for Shinobi that suck at being shinobi.” 

He knows that. At this point, he feels like he kind of sucks at being one. Or at least, that’s the way everyone here makes it feel. 

“Is there anything open?” He asks, ignoring the aggravating thought. 

“Your kind of over-qualified... and the only thing I can think of that would suit you is elemental Ninjutsu. Which is already being covered by more than the necessary researchers.” 

He crosses his arms and sits back in the chair, not satisfied. 

She takes in his demeanor, and perhaps for the very first time, sees through it. She sighs deeply, pulling out a large spiral bound text of who knows what, flipping to a tabbed page. She scans over it. He waits. 

“There’s one.” 

“What is it?” 

“Kagero village.” 

Sasuke doesn’t even know where that is, or what the hell he would find there. But it seems like that’s all she’s got. 

“In the land of the mountains. There’s word that that the small village has unconventional methods of enhancing their chakra abilities, but not honing it for any type of physical or elemental ninjutsu. Seeing as Genjutsu is one of your strong suits, this would be ideal for you also.” 

“Suspicious.”  

“Yes, we think so too. But it also could just be rumors. For all we know, they could just practicing intensified meditation, or perhaps spirit healing. It’s all mysterious right now. The entire study would be about a year’s journey. Which is short for a field study.  You would have to write a lot, speak with a lot of villagers, and most likely have to take up a semi-permanent residence. Traveling to neighboring villages for intel is also part of the job. The report is expected to be long, detailed, and handwritten in black ink.” 

Sasuke gulps. “What’s the objective?” 

“To learn and record. Nothing more, nothing less.” She tells him a clipped tone, clearly working up to a greater statement. “The benefits of completing the study don’t hold much merit. If you find something useful, you could use the study as easy entry to teaching.” 

“Teaching?” He says quietly, staring to feel very unsure. He remembers his time at the academy like a poorly rendered slideshow of angst and irritation. 

“If you wanted. It would be a good start. But there’s no obligation.” 

“What are the qualifications?” 

Sakura laughs. Genuinely laughs.  “Chunin rank is all you need.” 

Sasuke rolls his eyes. Of course, everything is still about stupid ranks and politics. And of course, the one thing he needs for this mission is the one thing he never got. 

“You’re joking.” 

“No. Normally you would have to rank Chunin or higher. But going through the exam now... Well- that would clearly be unfair. Especially with that.” She says, gesturing to his Rinnegan. Makes sense. “I’m sure Kakashi will clear you. Your skill outweighs your rank any day.” 

He doesn’t need flattery. He just came for a job.  

“Can I think about it?” 

“Of course. It’ll take at least a week to clear you, maybe two. And then a few days for briefing”  

He nods mutely. She crosses her arms, surveying him, gaze slightly scrutinizing.  

“Sasuke, field studies... they're not lone missions. It has to be two or more shinobi.” 

“I know.” He says flatly. 

She purses her lips, looking accusatory. She opens her mouth to speak, then closes it. He feels like pushing the envelope. 

“What?” He snaps. He doesn’t mean to. It’s that temper. 

She leans in. “I know you want to get out of here. And right now, this seems like the only way. But... you should consider others as well.” 

He scoffs. He hates when she talks like this. Like she knows everything. He stands to leave, worried that if he stays any longer, he’ll say something unnecessary that he can’t take back. He feels like a child being scolded. 

“Sasuke.” 

He stops at the door. Waits. 

“It doesn’t hurt to ask him. But don’t do anything irrational if you don’t like his answer.” 

He closes his eyes. Tries to breath, and leaves. 

He only wants one thing right now. Well, two things. He wants to be with Naruto, and he wants to not think about anything. The complex is so quiet. He comes into a mostly dark apartment. Naruto is laying the bed, sound asleep. He looks peaceful, unmoving and breathing evenly. Sasuke sighs deeply, a part of him wishing that He came home to Naruto awake. He’s spent the whole day away from him. He didn’t mean to.   

He changes into something more comfortable and turns on a dim lamp in the kitchen. The space is small. He can see Naruto halfway covered in the bed, as he puts a tea kettle on the stove, only a small table in the middle of the path.  

He leans against the counter as he prepared himself a cup of tea. Mint. It’s supposed to calm him down. He’s not sure if it actually works. He boiled extra hot water, just in case Naruto wakes up. 

He lets the leaves soak. His eyes hurt. They feel tired and strained, and often not like they're his own. Partially because in some way, they aren't. He wonders if it ever bothers anyone. Sometimes he forgets it’s there until someone like Sakura points it out.  

He doesn’t think that Naruto minds it. Just like Naruto doesn’t mind that he doesn’t want to utilize prosthetics for his arm. He respected the decision, and even looked at him with reverence when he made the decision. A silent understanding passed between them. That’s something that he could never give up.  

It’s great that they’ve been talking, that they’ve been communicating better, But Sasuke thinks he values the understanding in their shared silence more than anything else. They don’t have to talk. Not if they don’t want to. And somehow, he knows that everything will still pass between them with clarity.  

It hurts to have this looming over him. He wants to do the field study. He really does. It sounds nice to just listen and live and learn, feeling unrushed, and unpressured to live up to anything, simply going day to day journaling all he finds. Which could be significant, or it could be nothing. There’s no expectation other than him simply writing it all down. He would have a year's time to think and reflect and get back to himself again.  

But he can’t do it alone. He can’t do it without Naruto. And that’s the thing, isn't it? Is that he doesn’t know if Naruto would ever do such a thing. He has yet to even think of how to present it. But maybe Shikamaru was right. Maybe he should just say it.  

And maybe he will. Not now, and maybe not even tomorrow, but he will. And he won’t do anything irrational. He’s promising himself now. He’s not going to be that person anymore. He can’t. And maybe Naruto says that he doesn’t have to prove anything to anyone. But that isn't really true. He does. To one person. Just Naruto. 

His thoughts are suddenly brought to a halt. Naruto shifts in the bed, looking disturbed from his peaceful sleep. He tosses around, an irritated whine leaving his lips. He faces away from Sasuke now. He can’t see his face anymore. Sauske sets the mug down on the counter, eyeing him curiously. 

His concern spikes when he sees Naruto’s shoulders start to shake. He thinks that at first, he’s imagining it. But no, he isn't. He continues to shake, and before Sasuke can even move towards him, he hears a small sob muffle against the pillow.  

Something pangs in his heart. Something strange and sometimes foreign feeling, even now. He makes his way to the bed and scoots up beside Naruto, where surprisingly, he seems somewhat awake.  

Sasuke blinks at him, not knowing what to think. He’s hurting. Something hurts.  

“Why are you crying?” Sasuke whispers so low, he’s not even sure if he really said it out loud.  

Naruto scoots closer, reaching for him. “You’re here?” His voice cracks. Sasuke’s heart thunders with worry. 

“I’m here.” He says softly. “I’m here, Naruto.” He reaches up to push blonde hair off his face and look into his teary eyes. They’ve become so sensitive now. Maybe it’s age that’s made them weak like this.  

“You were gone.” He says hollowly, like it’s some kind of premonition.  

Sauske scoffs gently and pulls him close. “I was at the council building.” 

“For what?” 

“Looking for a job.” and he thinks that that's all he’ll really say about it for now. 

Naruto doesn’t press. He stays quiet. Sasuke feels tired, but he doesn’t really want to go to sleep. And Naruto, even though he was sleeping before, is wide awake now. And it seems that they’re content like that, just staring on at each other for no reason in particular.  

And then he sees it. He sees that mirror again. That mirror of pain. Of suffering. Of fear and anxiety. He sees himself, and he sees Naruto. He sees bright blue eyes that can be broken one moment and so hopeful the next. He sees someone who only built him up even when he was landing a punch.  

He sees this person in from of him, lying in his bed in the late hours of the night and he can’t help it.  

He loves him. He loves him so much. 

He touches a hand to his face, and Naruto allows the comfort. He’ll allow any comfort. He asks silently with only his gaze and he think’s maybe he hears and answer through the slow blinks of Naruto’s bright eyes, even in the dark. 

He kisses him. He presses his lips to Naruto and tries so hard to let it say everything he has yet to say out loud. And Naruto breathes it. He curves himself into Sasuke’s space and wraps his arms around him, like he might disappear if he doesn’t.  

Naruto bristles away sleepily after a moment, and tries to ignore the ache of fear that still lingers in his chest. He’ll voice it. He voices everything. 

“You’ll be here in the morning?” 

Sasuke kisses him again, much softer than he thinks he ever has.  

“I’ll be here.”