#I just wanna see Danny get captured over something stupid cause he would think he can just ghost his way out | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

unqueenlybiscuits · 7 years

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K-pop hates your nasally tone.

fuck you and your cow

You Don't Mess With The Zohan Script

You don't mess with the Zohan! Come disco. No, no, no.I no disco, I make the fish. Danny, come on, go disco. Oh, okay. Disco! Danny, that looks good. You're gonnabe a hit at your bar mitzvah. So okay, Mr. Big Penachim,I no see you disco. No, no, no. I making dagim.I no disco. A real man, he can discoand cooking dagim. So let's go. Go, go. I get the hummus for you. And for you. Little for me, eh! No. No. Kapara, what is going on! Just some bullshit-uchen. Let's go! Hey, I'm on vacation here.Can't you see this! You promised me time off.Get someone else to do it. Are they gonna hurt him! No one can hurt the Zohan. - Bye, Zohan.- Take care, man. The terrorist known as Phantom... ...was spotted yesterday at aHacky Sack tournament in Beirut. He may be have been trying tobait us by surfacing briefly. We believe he's being kept in a safehouse on the Lebanon border. How is we lose Phantom! Didn't I capture Phantomthree months ago! What, you didn't hearabout the trade! What trade! Zohan, we gave back the Phantom. No! What do you mean,we give back the Phantom! Zohan, relax. It was a good trade.We got back Etan and David. That's all we gotfor a veteran terrorist! Come on, we got hosed here. They threw in a spyto be named later. Come on, Zohan,you have to like that deal. Maybe they're talking about Ze'ev. Ze'ev.Come on, he's not even a good spy. He got caught, for God's sake.He's a stupid. Our plan is to enter the building fromthe front with a team of eight men... ...with an additional 12 menat perimeter positions. Unfortunately, there is a highprobability of collateral damage... ...including property and loss of life,on both sides. Okay, here we go. Excuse me! Come on, is it not saferto send one man into building... ...with minimal coverageto take out the target... ...instead of blowing uphalf the neighborhood! Well, who would do that! Oh, "who would do that!" You know you weregoing to ask the Zohan. Zohan, why you say this! I just laid out an entire planwhich didn't rely on you. Come on, Yaron,you're setting me up. All this talk of civilian casualties,then of course I end up doing it. - But I'm not even asking you to do it.- All right, I'll do it. Give me Avi and Koby as watch,I'll get it done without the mess. Well, thank you. You didn't have to. Oh, I didn't have to, bullschlassah. Have some Fizzy Bubblech. "Kiwi watermelon"! Yeah, is good. "Avalon." Chunky cuts. Zohan, what are you doing!The girls are here. I know, I was watching television. Well, if you want to have fun with us,we're right next door. - Good with the sticky, you should do it.- No, no, no. I am going to dinner with my parents.Just leave me alone. - All right, all right.- It is all right! You don't giggle at the Zohan. You hear me!No giggling at the Zohan. You never giggle at the Zohan. What's the matter, tatele? You haven't touchedyour baba ganoush. What would you think if I tell you... ...I want to leaving the army,start a new life! Why would you do that!You are good at it. It's steady pay. You can't leave,you're one of their best. Besides, you are too oldto take a risk. Stay in the army, play it safe. There's other things I can dobesides war. You don't war. - I was in the real war.- I know, I know the story. 1967. We were surrounded on all sides,outnumbered. - And in six days, we...- And in six days, we won. You won. I'm sorry,I don't have a big, fancy war... ...that lasted all of six days... Six days and five hours.Your generation likes to forget that. Dad, I've done so muchfor the country. When does it end! They've been fighting for 2000 years.It can't be much longer. All of my friends servedthe minimum three years. Why can't I move on!Do something else. Something more creative. Creative, what! You've caught so many terrorists,it's an art. You're like Rembrandtwith a grenade. What will you do! Maybe go to America. What, and haggle overstereo equipment! Wait a minute, Ya'acov. Uncle Levi will set you upat electronic store. You make money, sow yourcreative oats, you come back. No, I don't want to doelectronics store. Then how will you make money! I don't want to say. Zohan, if you can't tell your parents,who can you tell! Come, Zohanele. I want to cut... ...and style hair. You... You fagala? He's fag... Faga... I like hair. It's pleasant,it's peaceful, no one gets hurt. Well, you're only diggingthat fagala hole deeper and deeper. Hello, down there!Hello, in the fagala hole. Maybe he wants Vaseline. Yes, it's so funny. I just want to make peoplesilky smooth. You know the Phantom will try to run,so be ready for this. - Zohan, now!- So let's go. The Zohan. Freeze! I get it, I get it,you guys don't like our country. So we are the bad ones. I'd love to sit and discuss thiswith you, but I'm short on time. I'm just saying.It's not so cut-and-dry. We settled herefor hundreds of years! Good point. None of my ancestors ever steppedfoot in this land. No, you're right. Hey, don't walk away! Come out, come out,wherever you are. Hello, jackass. You think you can oppress my people,landgrabber! But I will never disappear. No one can catch Phantom! So let's go. Very good. Sorry. It's for the cause. Zohan. Zohan, bring it. Why you do this! I feel no pain. No, no, no. I feel no pain. - I feel no pain. This is too much...- No, no, no. I feel no pain. I have told you in other fights. No, no, no. I kill you right now. Look, look, look. The piranha,it looks very painful for you. Is good, is good. Is very nice. Yes, yes. Fizzy Bubblech for me. You like what you see! Time to die. So let's go. Okay, game over. Yeah! I kill! I kill the Zohan! Zohan is dead. The Phantom! Cutting the hair,this makes something beautiful. Instead of shooting it. That's why I had to fake to die. I could have captured Phantom again,but for what! They trade him. I love my country,but the fighting, it never ends. It's like Mr. Scrappy, you bite Coco. Coco, you bite him back. Soon you are both having worms,eating your own poopech... I understand. The pills. Your parents thinkthey know what's best for you. Sleep. It's all about not getting recognized. I know how great I lookedin the beard... but I'll make this work for me,you'll see. Rise and shine, guys.Good morning. Is nice, huh! It's the Avalon. It says I care about the way I look,but I'm still approachable. Oh, you like this! Who wants to go next, guys!Who wants to look silky smooth! Yes. Yes. Oh, where are my two little babies!Oh, come on. Come on out, Scrappy, come on out.Come to Mama, Mr. Coco. Mr. Scrappy. Coco.What happened! Who gave you permissionto do this, huh! Who did! Answer me. Scrappy, was it you!It was you, wasn't it! You're always the instigator. Bad dog. You are a very bad dog.Never again are you gonna travel. Take me to the Paul Mitchellhair salon. - First time in New York!- Yes, my friend. So, what brings you here! I have a dream. I had a dream too. What dream you have! My dream was to come to America... ...and make enough moneyto send for me brothers and sisters... ...so that we all could enjoyfreedom together. - This is good dream.- Oh, yes, it is. - Is dream come true!- No, man. Me brothers and sisterswere hacked to death. But I love the Chinese food here.It's incredible. - Hey, you forgot these.- Those are for you, my friend. Good morning for you.I am here to meet Mr. Paul Mitchell. And who are you! Scrappy Coco.I am here to take a job from him. He isn't in right now. That's good. So I will wait, then. You know what! I'll takeone Fizzy Bubblech, a raspberry. You know,he actually doesn't come in too often. Yes, just tell him I am perfect for this,so let's go. - I am the best.- The best at what! All of this. The cutting, the styling,the making it silky smooth. I wanna know who cuts your hair. Oh, you like this, eh! This is the Avalon,straight from the Paul Mitchell book. I haven't seen that stylesince Luke married Laura. Sister, are you this Laura! You tell Paul Mitchell,Scrappy Coco was here to see him. If I find out he was here... ...or you are keeping himhidden from me... ...I will destroy you. Believe me this. What the hell was this, champ!I'm not paying for that! This asshole cut me off,made me swerve into you! With all due respect,I was in the bicycle lane. You came like a madman.Be glad nobody was hurt. I mean, somebody could've died.I mean, you came... Okay, real mature, sir. Real mature. You do not want to bethrowing bicycles. Look, stay out of my business,Mustafa. "Mustafa"! This is not my name.Who tells you this is my name! Whatever.Salami, bologna, apple sauce. Apple who! My friend, if I were you,I would change the tone. Avoid the pain. Listen, go back to your goddamnedpretzel stand. We got it... - Look what I've got. It's right here.- Please! - I've got it.- Please, let me go. I never work at pretzel stand.You like to insult people! Was that your feet! Yes, it's the feet. The feet uppercut. Here comes the double foot. This is good. Smell it, smell it, smell it.Now take it. - That's for you.- All right, let me go! You said you wanted pretzel! Okay, I'm good. Beautiful. You want some chickens! No, no, no. I fix for you. It's all b'seder. What are you, bionic! No, no, no. I only like the girls. Thanks, anyways. This is ridiculous traffic. Anyway, George insistedwe have the party. - I always get midnight shift.- Could you keep it down, please! I no sleep,I no see World Series Poker. Are you even watching the road! Be nice. He could be a terrorist. - Why Hamdi no get no midnight!- Could you at least change the station! - Hey, that was amazing.- Oh, yes. Where are you from, anyway! Where am I from! Australia. Really!Because you sound Middle Eastern. No, no, no. Similar accents. - Kangaroo. You see!- Sure. This is ridiculous. We're getting out. - Come on, dear.- I've been working longer than Hamdi. - You want me to get you home!- No, I'll grab a cab. You've done enough.That was crazy. Whose lockzie do I have to schluck? Oh, you know you're boning me.I don't know that. It's you. - What is happening!- What's happening! It's bullshaklaga. - We have to go.- Go where! - I'll run you.- What are you doing! This is legal! Scrappy, have another kneidlach.Come on. You're very nice, Mrs. Klayman. It reminds me of my mother's cookingin Australia. Really!It's funny, you don't sound Australian. Yes, no, no, no.This is because I am half Australian... ...half Mount Everest. So this is what you're hearing. Well, Australia,it must be really nice there... ...since they got rid of the apartheid. Oh, yes, the weather is much cooler. So, Scrappy,I understand you cut hair. I will be workingwith Mr. Paul Mitchell... ...as soon as I find outwhere they are hiding him. Oh, Mom, Scrappydoesn't have a place to stay yet. - Really!- Not yet. Well, actually,there's a nice one-bedroom... ...that just opened up upstairs. Nice light, not huge. And they redid the kitchen very well. - This could be good.- Could be good. Could be good. Hey, Mom,do you know where the detergent is! - That's very good.- Oh, my God! What! What's the matter! What's the matter! That's my mom. - It's okay, Michael.- I know it's your mother. She's very beautiful. Michael, I haven't made stickyin two days. - What do you want from me!- Couldn't you wait till I was asleep! - Or dead!- No, Michael. You do... What's he doing now! Why'd that happen!Why'd that happen! It's okay. Let me talk to him. Oh, I can't get up. No, no. You'll feel your legs againin two hours. Michael. Come on, this is nothingto feel bad about. Me sexing your mother. It's beautiful. It's natural. No, I didn't bring you hometo do it with my mother. Why not, huh!You don't want her to be happy! Did you see her! Did you look at her! I don't thinkI can ever look at her again. Michael, her faceduring the big bang-boom! You did not see! She was glowing. Patches. What are you...! Michael, come on. They'll be plenty of timefor you and me. Tonight, I take you to disco, huh!How's this! No, why would I wanna goto a disco tonight! Michael, you should go. It'd be fun! You could use a little stank. Yes, you need your penachimto take a swim. Yeah, a little chicken of the sea.It wouldn't hurt. Disco, disco.Let's do this, Michael. Yes or no! Come on, you get to disco. - All right, fine, I'll go to the disco.- Okay. I do your mother one more time,and then we go. - Wha...!- Seconds already! Oh, yes. Hey. Look at this. This is what you need, man,to let off a little steam, huh! How many times a day do youmake sticky! Two! Five! Twelve! How many times a day!I've had sex once in my life. It was at tennis camp.It was awful. You're too picky, Michael.Maybe that's the problem. Every weed in the desertis still a flower. Look at this. This a big one, eh! But look at the tits.These will bounce nice for you. Your mother, she has huge poopeh. I mean, very wide. But what I see are two big, strong legswrapped around my head, squeezing. So who wants to get somepoontachen? - I wanna get some poontachen?- Well, let's get some. Yes. It's good for you. Nice spinning. This is what I'm talking about.You play this. - I ain't playing this corny shit.- No, no. I need to set themood for my friend. Get out,you Daisy Duke-wearing motherf... - Disco, disco.- Good, good! - Disco, disco.- Good, good! Yes, hello. Hello. Hey, Zohan. Who you looking for! It's okay, no one can hear mein disco, Zohan. Can you believe the poontachatin this place! I'm not Zohan.My name is Scrappy Coco, my friend. What!Of course you are Zohan Dvir. They all think you dead in Israel.I'm not going to tell. Tell what!I don't know what you're talking about. Zohan, it's okay.Don't worry, I'm a huge fan. The way you took outAbdullah Meda in '94. And when you made Melami Benazireat his own shit in '97. I can't believe I'm meeting you, man. So, what the fachmaare you doing here! Come with me. Look, I couldn't takeall the fighting anymore. - What's it all for!- Are you crazy! If I could blow a terroristinside out like you... ...this is all I would do.I'd never sleep. - This is exaggeration.- No, it's not. You made Palami Habdallah's poodlesit on a live grenade. - You gotta show me how you did that.- I don't remember. I was young. So tell me the truth.Why are you in America! I no want to tell you. What! What! Come on. You are the best, Zohan.Whatever you say is good. I want to be hairdresser. You a fagala? I can't believe it. A great warrior, but also a fagalawith the penachim. No, no, no. I like hair. Come on, man, I get you real job. You come by my shop tomorrow. Israeli electronics. Are you crazy! - Everyone will recognize me.- No, you don't look like same Zohan. You have silly haircut now. - I have what haircut!- What! - You say I look silly!- No, no. Who said this! - You said this.- No, no. Nobody say nothing. I don't need your job. I get my own job on my ownat a big salon. You will see. You ever cut a sister's hair before! Yes. Sister, brother, grandma,grandpa, the whole family. I'm good at this. Have you ever workedwith dreads before! This is what you do. No more. This creature slayed. It's not a problem. Okay, he's got me.He's got me. He's got me. Okay. Okay. So we blind him in the eyes.We got you. And we finish him. You back away, I take hold of him.Go! Go! Go out! Go now! Go! This is hair. This is hair. Oh, okay. The joke's on me, eh! A big part of our job hereis making this a fun experience. Of course, of course. For a lot of kids, this is their first cut,and it can be very frightening. - I can imagine.- I don't want a haircut. Get away from me. Let me go. Young man, look what I found here. A nice balloon. Do you want it! It's right here. You shouldn't jump around... ...when this nice woman'sholding a sharp pair of scissors. If you move, she could slip andslice your jugular vein on accident. There's no way to stitch the jugular. All of your blood will be on the floorin four minutes. I've seen this. I've done this.You don't want this. Well, then, at least it's a good time toshave his neck. I would get him quick. When I was your ageI already killed seven men. Maybe you should grow up. I promise you you won't regret. And come back. "Fujigawa"! I don't know that brand.It really isn't... It's not really Fujigawa.It's Sony guts. - Wouldn't it be better with the Sony...- Oh, no, no, no. This is what you want. - Four-hundred fifty.- But the ad says "Sony," and "300." No, no, no. What you going to believe,me or the ad! Four-fifty. Hello, Going Out of Business.Can I help you! Sony, yes. Three hundred. Come in, yes. Very good, very good. Hi. I represent the new ownerof this building. Good for you. Want a birthday cake!What do you want! Yamaha is very good. Did you receive our letterregarding your rent! - This I don't know.- It's being raised to 20,000 a month. No, no, no. This is too much. Eighty-five hundredis all we'll give you. - This isn't negotiable. We can get...- Ten thousand, that's all. We both go home happy. - I'm sorry. We can't settle for less.- Okay, no deal. You come back when youwant to deal. - Sir, you don't understand.- Go. What you still here for! You like me!I have girlfriend. Go. Thank you very much. Hey, look who's here. Come on, not so loud. Don't worry, Zohan.I tell you, they don't recognize you. Yosi. This is good man.This ChocolatÃ© Coco. - Scrappy Coco.- Scrappy Coco. Cooking Who-co! Yes, yes. So you're going out of business! No, no, no, no. Is just a sign.Is good for business. Yeah, so you look me up, man.That's cool. I come for job. Job. So you not big hairstyle! It's not really happening for meso far. So I am here. So let's go. No. No job. What do you mean!You tell me to come here. I can no let you do this.You want to be hair homo. No, so I do this for now.It's all yofi tofi. Is no now. Once you start in electronics store,you never get out. Look at Ephraim. You see! I don't see nothing wrong with that.It's perfect. Ephraim came to America... ...to be racing car driver. But he let slip away. I can hear it. Look. Check your ear. Pinchas wanted to bethe next Bill Cosby. No. Is resistant, no proof.You don't understand! But the store kept pulling him back. Maybe you swimming with the watch. - I'm not swimming...- Is resistant. Yosi wanted to be a hand model. What, you don't like this! Look at this.This is most beautiful. But he got too comfortable here. Press this button, it's free HBO. The electronics storeis a dream killer. And I won't let the Zohankill his dream. You are a real mensch, Oori. You the mensch. Come. What! What's this! You may not go for this,but this place cross the street... - Yes!- They maybe take you. - Is good place!- No, is dump, but they take you. Is on Palestinian side of street. Palestinian! No, no, no.Look, nobody kill you there. Here nobody care. First off, no one kill me anywhere. But Palestinian, no. I've done enoughto my parents already. I just want job for the Zohan. And it kills methe way Phantom bastard... ...getting his buttochim kissedin Palestine now. Buttochim kissed! What's this! He have business. He buy wives. Him! They say his ugly face everywhere. Everyone is runningTo Phantom's Chewy Muchentuchen For the food the heroes eat Kubeh, sambouesk,Delicious muchentuchen You never know who you'll meet You are going to get spoiled. Phantom Muchentuchen! Oh, yeah! This month,order Muchentuchen Happy Lunch... ... and get action figures fromPhantom Presents: Death to Zohan. Unbelievable. This animal gets to live his dream.But, me, l... I can no work Palestinian, no.It's like... I can't do this. Yes, you can. Is your dream to cut hair.You want fight, or you want hair! I want hair. But I'm scared. Is America.You can do anything here. You never done somethingpeople thought was impossible! So you don't want to talk, huh!I'll make you talk. I can do this. Disco, disco, good, good. Disco, disco, good, good. Disco, disco, good, good. Disco, disco, good, good. Disco, disco, good, good. So you have never cut hair before. I have cut my own hairand several dogs. I have the Paul Mitchell book,I have the stamina, the desire... But you have no trainingor experience. Would you hire someonewith experience in something else! In what! Can anyone here do this! Okay. I have never seen that. That is very nice,but that is not going to help me. No hands. Besides, I have no openings. If anything, I need to scale back... ...since they just raised my rentthrough the roof. Out of nowhere, some guy with a tiecomes in and tells me I need to pay. Stop it! I only wish to learn. I will do whatever it takes. Fine. You can sweep up haira few shifts a week. - You won't be...- No pay. No, no, no.But then, I will become stylist, yes! That could be a while. I will wait turn. You will see. I will get nighttime job for money. Soon the whole worldwill be silky smooth. Zohan. - Carmen Electra has the best tits now.- Oh, please. Oh, my God.I wonder how much she paid for them. They're so perky. You know, leave it to herto buy the best tits. It's always first class with that one. You know you don't have to catchevery piece of hair as it falls. Yes, I do. You deserve a perfect floor.One single hair is unacceptable. As you were. Yes. I got this. "Did you seethe new Kate Hudson movie! I think she is even more vivaciousthan her mother." Scrappeleh, that's wonderful.Now, let's practice on Michael. Michael!Could you come in here, please! What! What is...! Oh, Scrappy needs to practicesmall-talking. Can we do this another time! I havea shot at keeping my food down. Michael, I want to practice now. I'm afraid I'm terrible at this.Why won't you help me! Oh, honey.You are good at everything you do. - Got it.- Thanks. So you're making her silky smooth,huh, Claude! - Framing her face!- Yeah, Scrappy. I'm framing her face. This is smart. A nice layered stylewith the soft bangs... ...is good for a bigger womanlike this. - Coco.- Takes the eyes off the moon face... ...and brings it toward the titzim. Coco. I need to speak to you. In private. Private. A secret! They will never get it out of me,I promise you. Coco, Claude is trying to work. Yes. He's very good. So I am ready to cut hair today.So let's go, let's get it on. No. Let's not go. But I am the best. Don't tell me you're the best. - I have the desire, the stamina.- You've been here two days. I run this place for five years. I think I know when you are readyto cut hair. Okay, Jeez! Get a room, you two. No, no, no. I do not touch thiswith your penachim. Out of respect for the working. No, you don't eat where you shit. Or shit where you eat.Whatever the... The smell is bad. This is called a comb. - With the fingers!- Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no. - Scrappy.- I'm sorry. Here, I take your leg up. I'm sorry about this. I'm sorry. - Okay. All right.- I apologize. - Take him where he wants to go.- Thank you. Okay. - Good luck.- It will be fine. - Your limousine has arrived, sir.- You're observant, Tyler. Thank you, Big Mac. I am really late for a hotel openingdowntown. The Walbridge Hotel. I understand, sir. I know theneighborhoods inside and backwards. - We will not let them stop us.- What! I'm not in much of a hurry. Oh, no. You want some coffee back there! No! I will lose them. Nobody is following us. Oh, shit! Have a good time, sir. Debbie, you did a good job. You look very bangable,Mrs. Rosen. Mrs. Paulson, I must tell you... ...when you first came in,you looked hideous. There was nothing attractive. But now, I must say,my schtitzel, it's about to burst. - It could break these any...- What are you doing! We are talking shop. No. No. - Look, Coco...- What! You need to calm down now, okay! I don't think these customerslike the way you talk shop. Nobody say this. Coco, remember,respect for the workplace. I have betrayed my salon. He's trying to kill himself. - Scrappy.- I deserve this. No, no. Just... Just... Easy on the ladies. I didn't mind. Take care, Mrs. Paulson. She did not mind. Let me disinfect the scissors... ...so someone elsecan make someone else silky smooth. I'll just clean up. Rafaela's Salon. What! No. Debbie, she quit. - What!- Sorry. Claude, did you know about this! I should have told you. She's been looking for a new jobsince those rent guys came around. Then why you no say nothing,little bitch! Don't worry,I'm not giving up on this place. You're a good guy, habibi.I just... I don't know what to do. So let's go. Scrappy, I have enough problemsright now. I not the problem. I the solution. I fix. But if you screw up... I can't afford a screwup right now. No, no, no. I no screw up.I am the best for the job. Yeah, but you push and push."When is my turn"! I have to care about salon. - No, no, no.- No, no, no. You care about you. And don't fightin front of the customer. Mrs. Skitzer,I am afraid our stylist is out today. Would you care to wait for Claude! Does he do hair! He's not a regular. Well, that's fine. She say...I mean, only if it's okay with Dalia. Okay. You will not regret this decision. Mrs. Skitzer, let's cut your hair. Just lay back, Mrs. Skitzer.I'll take care of everything. - Oh, thank you.- Thank you. Sexy woman like youdeserves to be pampered. Me, sexy! Sure. Don't be humble. You've got the ass and titsof a schoolgirl and you know it. And everyone else knows this too,believe me. Yes. Let me get your earring off. I love it. Of course you do.I make you silky smooth. I tell you this. All right, Scrappy.You can cut Debbie's clients today. If they want you. Thank you. I'll get to you all soon as I'mall the way done with Mrs. Skitzer. That all you got, Mrs. Skitzer! Come on, baby. Go, baby. Yes. Yes. So who's next! Come on, Scrappy! Thank you, dear. - It's a lot of speakers.- Yes. Yes. It's orgasmic. Oh, my God. Oh, yes! Grab it, Scrappy! For you. Yes. I give this to you. - No. I am sorry, Mr. Paul Mitchell.- Hear me out, Scrappy, please. I'll give you stock options.I'll name a shampoo after you. No, my loyalty is to here.I will destroy you. I heard about this placefrom Joanne. You have to ask for Scrappy. Yes, is the primarycardholder present! Excuse me! Hello, I am callingfrom Spiegel catalogue. Are you between the agesof 18 and 39! We're trying to talk here. Have you ordered from cataloguein past six months! Could you get off the phonewhile you drive! Hey, what's the matter!I trying to make a living, do my job. This is your job. This is job also. This is not Iraq. I am Palestine, I'm not Iraq. And you're not getting a tip. And you are a stupid cow. Jeez. - And we're done. Okay, you, skedaddle.- Thanks so much. - I'll see you later.- All right. I like this, the red hair. I bet she has a pumpkin patchdown below, yes! I don't know. - Did you tap her tuchus?- No. Why don't you go afterthe snatchacheem in this place! They all want you, believe me. Scrappy, I wouldn't be so sure. I'm telling you,you're not picking up the signs. Come with me.I'll show you a technique. It's beautiful. Hello, Mrs. Haynes. How are you!You want the cut and color today! Yes, please. Thanks. Watch. You see! She's going with it.It's good. Yep. - She has a free shoulder. Come join.- I'm good. Mrs. Haynes,you're getting cold here. Claude, come. Keep her warm. Go ahead. Yes. And gently move.Gently move the shoulder. All you want to do is let her knowyou're here for her. Now look awaylike you're not even doing it. We're not doing this. - Same rhythm.- Okay. Push. Push. Push. Oh, you're pushing harder.It's starting to feel good on my end. I am trying to make moneyto start my own business, huh. Would you say you read Spiegelonce a month, twice... Would you just get usto the hair salon! We're gonna miss our appointment. I curse you, and I curse your hair. What is big dealabout this hair place anyway! They get worse every year. Okay, we'll take them to the truck.We'll just talk to them. But we'll find a... Did you throw this shoe at me,my friend! No! Sure looks like it was you. Then who threw it! Okay. You're lucky I'm in good mood.I'll let you off the hook. Nobody spits on me. Thank you for the goat, my friend. Yes. Goat! Goat. Goat! Goat! Goat. I said, "Can we have the receipt!" Yes. Die in hell. Welcome. We'll color your hair Bling-BlingBlond. This is what you need. You know what else they go for! The... I don't know what you have,but mine is the biggest. This...It does not get bigger than this. It's enormous. Scary. I mean: What! I have the biggest. It's the biggest. Take a look at this. Look. - It's not that big.- It's not that...! No, no, no. The bush. The bush is the biggest. And the girls like thisbecause it's cushion. It is no bullshaklaga. He is the one.I never forget a face. So, what do you want I do! Wait. I conference you. Hello! Nasi, emergency meeting.You're on with Hamdi as well. - Hello, Nasi.- Hello, Hamdi. Can you believehow much they pay Delgado! Yes. Why Mets do this! This is serious. We meet! I explain why is emergency. This is not just manwho take my goat. - Zohan Dvir.- Yes. Everyone think Phantom kill him. Phantom not kill him. We will capture,then make trade with Israel. We will be heroes. But, Salim, we are not Jihadim. Wedon't know for sure that this is him. Let's call Hamas, Hezbollah.Let them handle this. - Leave it to the pros.- No. Hezbollah shmezbollah. Hezbollah will take all the credit.This is our shot. Why not let Phantom capture him! Screw Phantom. He hero already. Where's my chainof muchentuchen restaurants! Salim, don't make thisabout yourself. This is about me. And about him. And about my goat! Come on, let's go! This is nice,the walking inside the outside. The park, the people,the horses, the kid. Well, you're always downtown. You should seea little more of New York. Yes, yes, this is good. The talking is good... ...to get to know each otherbefore the bang-boom. I like. Oh, no, no, no.There will be no bang-booming. I just wanted to thank youfor saving my business. - This isn't a date.- No, no, no. I feel you have helped me so much... The right thing to dois to tap you so hard... ...my schtitzel will come outyour poopech. That's what I think. Look, why don't wejust enjoy the park! No, no, no. This is what we do. Hey, look, softball. - You like softball!- Of course, I love softball. What is softball! Teach me how to. I learned softballwhen I came to the States. When you're Arab, it helps to fit in. Yeah, how long you move here ago! Just a few years ago. I couldn't take it there anymore.All the hate, on both sides. Yes, especially yours. Why you say this! You don't know. No, no, I don't. I read this. The Australian-Tibet mediais very biased. Look, both sides crazy. My own family... My brother... ...if he knew I work cross streetfrom Israelis, he would lose it. - Really!- You have the hardcores on both sides. They just want to fight and fight. Nobody will win this way.It has to stop. When will it end, eh! Yes. Okay, so you must be thirsty, no! Here. Where you get this! This! From specialty shopon West Side. This Middle Eastern drink.You know this! Fizzy Bubblech! No, no, no. It looks pretty good. Oh, try, try. It's very good.Try, have a sip. It's not for me. No! Really! This is his shop. Here is photo for compare. For how long this take!I close the newsstand. Make sure you ask himif he ever hit by shoe. And about the prize goatthat can fetch a bowl of onion soup. Look in his eyes when youask him this, for they will be suffering. - You know, I just got haircut.- Go. Look at this. I feel like Hugh Hefnerwith all you little bunnies around here. Okay, okay,let's see who is going next. "Jorge Posada," where are you! That's me. Okay, good-looking guy,you take a seat there. You're next. You know, you look likeyou already just got haircut. No, no. So I guessing you're looking forsomething in the silky smooth area! - Well...- Because I see you have nice curls. You don't want tocut into those curls. We will talk about this over there. Okay, Scrappy, I wait. Is not like I have a shoe to throw. Sure. Yes. Beautiful. Whatever. I don't have time to go watcha goat fetch soap. - What!- What! I don't know. Listen, my friend... ...you want to talk, it's good,but you have to wait your turn. First I have to cut and bangMrs. Greenhouse. - That's right.- Okay. Well, I'm ready for it. Oh, dear. I am sorry, Mrs. Greenhouse.I am not man enough for you today. Oh, Scrappy, it's fine. I don't know what the problem is.I am going to lose business. Oh, no, dear. You're still adorable. The screwingwas really just a bonus. You are an angel, Mrs. Greenhouse. An angel with a magic throat. Oh, Scrappy! No, that could work.One more, please. Let's see what we got. And we're still nothing. Well! He was very cool. Idiot. What did he say! He think I have nice curlsthat go well with a full face. - But was it him!- Well, it looked like him. But hard to know. I tell you this: he didn't seem to carewhen I talk about goat fetching soap. Soup. The goat fetched soup.You ruin everything. Soup! This makes no sense. Screw you. It's him. I know it's him. The goat fetched soup!This is unbelievable. Go to hell. You said it was urgent! It's an emergency.Please, take a look. Yes, yes. Well, that's not a real problem.You can always shave it. No, not the bush. No, inside the bush.Look deeper. Him. - I see.- He lays in there all day long. Maybe it needs some more oxygen.It looks like it's being strangled. So the Palestinian says to the priest: "Okay, but let's skip the bath." Why, are they not clean! No, is good joke. Honey, are you all right!You've been in there for over an hour. What is this stuff! I mean, I took onesip and I repainted the whole toilet. Is Fizzy Bubblech.You'll get used to it, relax. I don't wanna get used to it.My car couldn't. - All right, that's it for me. I'm done.- What! What! Is everything all right! - Is it about the pee-pee!- Stop it. - The pee-pee!- He can't do with his peepeechosetz. Really!He's usually as hard as trigonometry. - Mom. What...!- When did this happen! The last few days. Of course. It's ever sinceyou went out with that Dalia. Your hog is telling you something.She must be the one. The one! Is this possible! Of course it's possible, man. All the beaverim in the worldand he falls for Palestinian muffich. Why should Scrappy careif she's Palestinian! He's from Australia and Tibet.He's not Israeli. - No, no, no.- Oh, no, no, no. Exactly. What was that, a motor boat! You know, Scrappy... ...a special woman is specialno matter where she's from. Listen to your hog. Someone special. Maybe is good. It's good! It's terrific! I mean, you know,you guys won't be together anymore... ...but Scrappy is in love.That's great, awesome. Thank you for your support. - Is a good boy.- Good boy. This is fun. Let's celebrate.Where's the cat! Let's cat-sack, huh! Throw it to me. - Got you.- Let's play, man. Take it, Michael. Look at you. I wanna try it. Is good. Welcome to Hezbollah phone line. For membership information,press one. For negotiation update, press two. For bonus mile information,press three. For terrorist supplies, press four. We have currently suspendedour terrorist supply service... ... as we are engagedin negotiations with Israel. We will resume service as soon asnegotiations break down. Thank you. Great. Come on. Just think of a bomb. They say you can make bomb fromeveryday's material. You combine. Yes, okay.But what we combination! Just think of chemicals. Chemicals, like in science class. Yes. Who remembers this stuff! Hello. Well, can I help you fellasfind anything! Yes, do you have... ..."liquid nitrogen." You need what! Liquid nitrogen. Yeah. Well, I supposewe have some of that. Now, just a moment. - This is it!- Yes, and that's the large container. This works! Oh, it works quite well. Yes. You use! From time to time. Sure. We'll take 12. Look, you can turn off the water... ...but we will find a wayto keep on going. Oh, you like when I spray you,Mrs. Skitzer! Where's the $ 14,000! I have your rent right here.There is no getting rid of me. We don't wanna get rid of you. Mr. Walbridge would actually like torelocate your salon in our new mall. You mean the one you want to destroythis community to build! It is not our intentto destroy this community. I'll take the community, Pancake. My name is Gray, and I'll be back. Nice to meet you, Pancake. Why Pancake! Just for fun. You were amazing right there. Oh, my God. What! I have one. What! I have zikpah. Look at it. It is you. Dalia, I don't know how to tell you this.I cannot make sticky with anyone else. You are the special one. I will only be stiff for you. Who is Steve! Stiff, with an F. - Stiff. Stiff.- Yes. Okay... ...I know you meant thatin a good way... The best of ways. - so thank you. Thank you. Is crazy. This has never happened. One woman... ...one zikpah... ...one life. You see his face!Scared Israeli son of bitch. Salim, this is not bomb. What you mean "not bomb"! It's grade A liquid nitrogen. Guys, I really need to go home. Inaz have a soccer matchin the morning. - I am hero.- Salim, this not bomb. It just go: Well, just go with it. I scraped some off the window. Maybe you know what is! It's Neosporin, it's nothing.I use it for cuts and genital sores. We're beginning to thinkmaybe someone out to get the Zo... The Scrappy. You mean like a competing salon!That's heavy. Don't be afraid, honey.Don't be afraid. Well, I... Yeah, lick this.No, she likes the tongue in the ear. Oh, I like that bet... Oh, I like that. Close with the brenski. Come on, get some salivaon those bad boys. - She likes it, huh!- Of course she likes it. Okay. I could look for clues. It's my shiftfor community night watch. The what!The communism tight crotch! Oh, it's the communitynight watch program. You know, people in the neighborhoodpatrolling it, keeping it safe. We kick some ass. Hey, why don't you let Scrappy Cocotake your shift tonight! - I bet he'd be good at this.- Oori. What! For clues. I know it sounds scary, Scrappy,but you are gonna be just fine. Maybe I can manage one night. Maybe you can pretzel some people. - Thank you for getting the hummus.- The hummus. Where's Patches! Patches. I'm terrified right now.I'm totally terrified. "Shitting my pants"doesn't come close. I wish I was shitting my pants. It's just a patrol. What if something goes down! I don't know if I'd have the courage. What if something goes downand someone got killed! I would have to live with that.I'd be happier shitting my pants. Much happier. - Let's go.- We're supposed to call the police. No. No time. No, no. No. It's good. Drop the paint. Get out of here, Ahab,or I'll cut your eyes out. - Maybe we should let him finish.- No, no, no. What you cut my eyes out with!The Neosporin! My blade, camel jockey. My friend, the beating I give youif you stop the spraying... ...is much less than the beatingI give you if you try to cut me. What are you laughing at! That was just with everyone. They had it coming to them, right! Yeah. Yeah, it seemed like it. Yeah. - Okay, you take it from here.- I got it. Everything's gonna be okay. What you gotta say about that, huh! You're telling meour guys can't handle... ...some neighborhoodnight-watching losers! We can't even put a scareinto these people! The main guy who got in the way... ...is the same one who's bringingold biddies into Rafaela Salon. My aunt goes there. She says besides the sex,the guy gives a pretty good haircut. Don't talk to me about that dump. I've got a huge,classy hotel standing there... ...and it's staringat that cheap garbage. I want it staring at the Supercuts. Now, has anyone made any headwaywith any of these foreign people! I spoke to the manager of GoingOut Of Business again yesterday. I stated our priceand the urgency of the matter... ...and he offered me two-thirds lessand a Toshiba DVD player. The people at Everything Must Gowere just as difficult. They offered me a Blu-ray discand a jar of hummus. What's hummus! It's a very tasty... ...diarrhea-like substance. Grant Walbridge has a vision. A vision for Lower Manhattanto have the first indoor mall... ...with its own 300-footroller coaster. You know, you're lucky I havea world-class superhot girlfriend... ...with a perfectly proportionedass-to-breast ratio... ...or I'd be furious. She is smoking, sir. I'd payto spend an hour with her, sir. Let me in on that. Well, thank you. But if you bitchescan't get those people out... ...I will find other peoplewho will get the job done. However, whenever. Walbridge! This is where I find them. But I don't know if it's same peoplewho try to Neosporin salon. But you caught them writing this crap,so, what do you do! - You don't mess with the Zohan.- Check it. - Disco.- Disco. - Good.- Good. Why did you do thisto Naseef's store, huh! Why you blame the Israelis! We come to work,go out of business. No, no, no.Is not Israeli who do this. I do community watch.Don't worry, it's all taken care of. Not Israeli! Who else would write"Arab go home"! Oh, I don't know,just maybe 99 percent of the world. - You see what he says!- That was joke. Come on, come on.You guys get along here, stop this. Yeah, here it's okay. It's just there,the war is never going to end. You know, we were so close to peacebefore the asshole shot Rabin. Bush, he see the big picture. Bush no want peace,he set it all back. What about Bush's wife!This is a wife I would get sticky with. I would do this. I would do this. - Yes, yes.- What about Clinton! I would do Hillary. The big legs. Yeah, she look strict,like she's going to teach me a lesson. - Yes, discipline.- You know what's funny! I like Chelsea. You're crazy. She has beautiful legs. If I want legs, I'll take Obama's wife.She has legs. This is what happenswhen they talk politics. No, no, no, wife of McCain! She has the ass,and you know she's not getting any.

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