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austinpanda · 6 years

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Letter to a Dead Friend

Dear Steve--

I just had a dream where you really pissed me off, even though you’re no longer alive. It made me think about you and want to talk to you.

Firstly, I feel bad about our last non-meeting. I was visiting Seattle, you lived in the area, and you were going to come visit the brightly-colored shithole we had arranged on AirB&B. You were going to do all the driving, and you were going to bring Asian food. I think you were going to bring me a pad thai, and you were going to pay for everything. But because the husband was feeling a bit overwhelmed by all the people (this was our first day of vacation, so it was the same day we’d flown there) we decided to try again another time. I politely cancelled and explained why. You understood completely. Then I returned to Austin, and you died within a few months.

Secondly, I miss you, although I spent most of my adult life coveting your adult life. You went to work from Microsoft, and by the time I had my first boyfriend, you were already married to someone beautiful and awesome, and you had enough money that you were able to buy a brand new Porsche Boxter convertible with cash. You had a great house and all the money you needed. I never had any of that shit, with the exception that I also had a gorgeous and lovely spouse. (But heck, those don’t cost nuthin, wink.)

I was the best man at your wedding, which means I had to produce the ring when the officiant said so, with no warning, causing me to go desperately into my pocket, while hundreds of people looked at me. Thankfully, it was where I’d left it. Then I had to give the toast at the reception. I did wonderfully at that. I had a good story to tell and three glasses of pink wine inside me. The speech and the toast went well. I told the story about how we made your car roll back while you were adding coolant, just to make you spill the coolant. The car rolled back onto your foot, though, and it made you exceedingly angry. You were not injured, but it ended up being a hilarious thing that I wished I hadn’t done.

Like I said, I spent most of my adult life being sore about how much money you had and how little I had. To be clear, I shouldn’t think shit like this. You worked hard for your money. You just happened to have been born into a situation that, with the addition of a bit of hard work, resulted in you being rich. I was born into a situation that, with the addition of a bit of hard work, resulted in me being unable to afford dentistry or ankles that work. Learning how to allow your friends their good fortune, despite crippling jealousy, was never a bad thing.

I just woke up from a dream where Zach and I were helping you move. There was this cabinet full of shit that I was working on preparing to move, and when I came back into the room, you were sitting down, removing the cellophane from a new deck of playing cards with a razor blade. Because I was working my ass off, and you weren’t, and I was laboring as a favor to you, I complained about it. You said something sarcastic, I said something angry, you said something unkind, and I decided it was time to leave. I told Zach to get ready to go. I remember that, in the dream, your glasses had an odd characteristic. They were not smooth glass, they were faceted, kind of like a disco ball. I remember the weird glasses making me even angrier.

Then I woke up, feeling angry at someone who doesn’t exist any more. That’s some bullshit, and no mistake. Sure, I feel badly about missing the last chance to see you, but heck, I didn’t know it’d be the last chance. There’s an obvious lesson there, I suppose.

I’m sorry I spent so much of my adulthood being glad that you didn’t get along better with Jason. I was kinda crazy in love with Jason when we were all friends in college, and I didn’t like having to share him with anyone. After college, when Jason started not liking you so much, that pleased me, because I knew you’d be fine, and I’d have more Jason to myself. That was an asshole thing to think. I should have tried to encourage Jason to be more understanding, and I should have encouraged you to be less...someone born on third base, thinking he hit a triple to get there. (True or not, it’s the belief of someone born to privilege, and it makes those less fortunate grind their teeth.)

You were so fucking funny. You were the only one in our group who was skinny, so I assumed you’d live forever, while the rest of us would start to peel off in our 50s from heart disease. Lights down, you up and die.

I don’t know what killed you. Your family was tight-lipped about it. My theory was that it was related to your liver, but it hardly matters. You apparently left some confusion behind, however, because when you type “Stephen Toulouse,” into google, it auto-fills “cause of death.” Quite a few people who want to know what happened, and probably never will. But you do have your own Wiki page. I remember missing your red hair from back in college, because when you got the convertible Porsche, the hair became an obstacle, so you cut it all off. I had a theory that you really cut it off because you were going bald, but I was sufficiently pleased with the thick, luxurious quality of my own hair, that I never felt the need to poke fun at you for it.

I wish I’d seen you that last time. I have an ill-conceived notion that, if I’d seen you, I would have been able to tell what alcohol was doing to you, and, having a father who drank professionally, perhaps I could have done something about it. All I would have done was nag you to get treatment, though. I’m not one to discourage people from doing fun, unhealthy things. Usually I’m the one with the bacon-covered donut in my hand, encouraging others to sin too, so my own sins would shrink by comparison.

So...sorry I didn’t try harder to keep in touch. You didn’t keep in touch with me at all, so I don’t feel guilty about it, but I’ll own this fact: A lot of the reason I didn’t keep in touch with you was because I was jealous of your life. (He doesn’t need my friendship; he’s busy being a millionaire and having a perfect life.). Wish I’d spoken with you a few more times. I should have known that having all the money you need doesn’t make for a perfect life. Sometimes it only increases your burden.

There are people for whom paying the bills isn’t ever a problem. Dental emergency? Car emergency? Grab the pitchfork and start throwing money from the giant pile onto the problem, and bam, no more problem. This is a dangerous thought for me to think. The solutions to my problems aren’t going to apply to anyone but me, and someone who isn’t burdened by poverty isn’t necessarily going to live happily ever after. (They damn sure won’t have to worry about making rent in the meantime, but money doesn’t cure cancer.)

So...that’s our friendship, I suppose. I got to know you from about my junior year in college until about this time last year. I could have done stuff better, but some things I got right. I thought I did a good job as your best man. I kept a cold 20-ounce of Dr. Pepper nearby and offered it to you a few times, before the ceremony, and because of nerves, and possibly a dry mouth, you accepted. That made me feel thoughtful. Also you were sick of people telling you the key to a good marriage was communication, so I found different ways of saying that, over and over again, to keep your spirits up. “Want to hit this soda again? Cause, you know, everything will work out just fine as long as you two communicate with each other.” *smirk, soda*

I wonder if you’re anywhere now, or if you’re nowhere. I hope my friendship was something you deemed of value. I think you did. You were a funny, intelligent motherfucker. I miss you.

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loveunbreakable-blog1 · 7 years

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Chapter 10

London. I’ve always wanted to live there. I never imagined myself going anywhere when I was a kid. I didn’t even think it was possible to travel somewhere so far. I mean I couldn’t see things out of my reality I couldn’t see the biggest scenario. When I went to the United States for the first time I realized that box I was living in was just a part of a bigger storage. A huge place. And that was the first time I have ever wanted to live somewhere else. And even the United States being the first place I have ever traveled to in my mind there was only one place. One place I could call home. London was that place. Even though I haven’t been there that time. Even though there was no one important for me there. That place looked like home. I never really understood why. I guess somethings we will never understand. Somethings we understand only with our hearts.

Bags were packed things were okay. We just needed to go to the airport. And it wasn’t going to be an easy task since we had thousands of reporters outside.

- Are you ready? – Thais asked when I showed up in the living room

- I guess I will never be ready for this.

- At least you know what’s waiting for you outside. You won’t be surprised anymore.

- I hope I won’t. I just wanted to forget all this. And every time I get close to forgetting at least for a while people show up and screw things up again.

- I know how it feels. My mom called this morning again.

- What did she say? Is she still asking you to come back?

- She wanted to wish me good luck. She told me to take care and said she missed me but she was starting to understand why I left. She said I was growing up.

- Did you tell her about us staying in London for a while?

- No. I don’t think she’s ready for that. I mean it already was a big deal me moving to the other side of the town. Can you imagine how it’s going to be if she knows I am staying in another country?

- I can’t. My mom gave up on me a long time ago. She doesn’t care where I am as long I am okay. She just texts me sometimes. Just to check how I am doing. I guess I was too clear when I said I had the right to have my own life. So it doesn’t matter where I go. Really.

- Well… That’s a very strange relationship.

- Yep. I did this to us. Can’t complain about it. Anyway, I guess it’s time right?

- Are we going to get a cab?

- Yep. He’s probably coming now. I guess we should go downstairs now.

- Okay.

When I said thousands of reporters I thought I was being exaggerated but when we got out there I saw thousands of them. There were people even in the trees taking pictures from above us. That was hilariously crazy. I didn’t know what to do again. It was too much information to my brain and I kept waiting for someone to break the silence. I was waiting for someone to bring it up. To ask again about Peter. I was there waiting for my ruin when I felt it. She just pulled my hand and guided me through all those people. A minute later we were inside the cab.

- Thank you for that – I said breathing relieved

- You’re welcome – She said smiling. She had been through all this before so she really knew how to manage everything.

I have got awards before but it was never like this. I was never noticed like today. I guess it was because of the people who were nominated this time. They were simply the best people in the planet. So this was a really important edition of this award. That’s why all this pressure was in my hands.

- I hope I don’t screw this up – I said looking at my hands

- You won’t don’t matter the outcome of this you already are a winner. These guys nominated they’re the brain of modern architecture and you being amongst them shows that you are better than you think.

- Maybe I was lucky. You never know.

- I don’t think so. You were the only woman nominated for this award. They generally indicate men. So this is already a victory.

- If you look for this side that’s really something huge.

- You’ll be fine. So… what are you planning for us in London? Did you talk to the boss? We can’t just stay and say nothing about it right?

- Yep. I called him yesterday. I told him about our plans. He said if I needed time to myself he would give me. He wouldn’t risk losing us.

- I knew he would do it. He’s wise. He knows we’re not coming back now but he knows some time we’re gonna miss it and if he leaves us now he would never have us back that’s why he wants to take the risk.

- That was really intelligent of him. Birds must fly.

- We’re flying now. I wanna see how far we can go before our wings get tired.

- Can’t wait to see it.

Our flight was scheduled for 9am. They had to shut down the airport when we got there. We knew that was gonna happen so we came only 30 minutes earlier for check in. This way we could get in the plane as soon as possible and after we got in the plane they could reopen the airport. That was just as planned as soon we got there they put us in the plane.

- Still can’t believe we’re doing it

- Me neither. It’s gonna be a nice adventure. You’ll see – I said smiling. I was ready to give myself a chance. Ready to accept my dreams back but this time being realistic. I am not the best of all. I just have the fire. And when you go after something like this you need to be ready. I wasn’t ready. I knew that. I am not ready. But it doesn’t mean I can’t be someday. It doesn’t mean I will stop and let my dreams go.

- I know. Everything is an adventure with you hahaha

Home. Finally home again. When we landed in London it was dark I was so sleepy that I couldn’t pay attention to anything. When we finally got to the hotel I just wanted one thing. My bed.

I slept for 10 hours straight. I was really tired of everything. When I woke up it was the end of the afternoon I still had a lot of stuff to figure out. We were planning to stay in London for at least 2 months to get all the awards and have a kind of vacation and in my mind I was planning to stay the whole year if everything worked out the way I wanted to. So I needed to find us a house and get a car and I knew exactly where to go. I had in mind the place I wanted to buy. I just really needed to finish some details for me to have the house. I knew Thais wasn’t at the hotel at that time it was kinda obvious If I was her I would go see him too. I just hoped everything was okay with them.

First thing I saw when I unlocked my cellphone was a message from Mike

Did you see the news?

I knew something bad was coming I knew that Peter would have something to do with it. I wanted to run away from all that but I just couldn’t. There was no way to run from the past consequences.

I went straight to my we browser and typed my name and there it was. Right in the cover.

Amazing. Just what I needed.

It seems to have a lot more about Jackie Félix than we know. The young designer wasn’t able to run from the spotlights this weekend. When she was leaving Eric’s show yesterday a reporter made a question that made us get really curious about her and it brought us a really interesting story about the girl.

The rumor is that she used to date Peter Backsson, the multimillionaire owner of a lot of international companies. Peter never exposed any of his girlfriends but some trustable sources say that they have been together for more than one year. It seems that she left him a few months ago but no one knows why. It’s been exactly 4 months that this picture of him was taken in a conference.

Coincidence? I guess not. Peter have been avoiding media as well. He seems devastated. We don’t find him anymore in the places he used to frequent. Is he suffering for love? Well the picture doesn’t lie. There’s something happening with him we just couldn’t expect that one of the most important designers in the world had something to do with it.

Some sources say that she completely broke his heart but why? While thousands of girls are crying around for Peter it seems that she is the only one who got his attention. Maybe she just used him and his money to launch her career as a designer. Could she just use him this way?

Poor Peter. I hope we can her from her about this soon.

Of course they would do this. Of course they would go for Peter’s story to protect the bloody millionaire. They didn’t know him. The real Peter Backsson. They had no idea about all the horrible things he did and said. And they would never know. No one could never know.

I knew in the minute that reporter made that question. I knew what would happen. I knew everything was gonna go wrong. I spend so much time trying to hide our relationship. I never wanted anything from him. People who really knew me knew that I could never ask him for anything. I just wasn’t this kind of person. But know it was all gone. My reputation was destroyed cause know I had taken advantage of him. Poor boy. I had become who I am not because I am excellent at it but just because I dated Peter Backsson. I won all those awards not because I deserved it but because I was his girl. That was exactly what the media was saying. I had to do something about all that. I had to step up or I could even lose my job. Who would want a project made by a designer that’s only a designer because she dated Peter Backsson. It was all about him now. It wasn’t me anymore. They took my image and they fucked it. They had no idea what I have been through and all the fights I had to fight just to be there. How much I studied in my bedroom even in the dark just to have a chance in this area. How many times I cut myself with paper cause I was too sleepy but I couldn’t sleep until I finished the projects. People would never see it anymore. They would never see me again. I wasn’t me anymore. I wasn’t Jacky Félix. I was only Peter’s secret girlfriend a heartless bitch that broke his heart.

My cellphone started to ring. It was Mike.

- Hi

- You saw my message but you didn’t answer so I assume you already read the content in the magazine. Am I right?

- How could they do it Mike? – I started to cry – How could they publish something mean like that? What did I do? They don’t even know if it’s true. They don’t know what really happened.

- So it’s true? I mean, you never told me who was the guy you were dating.

- Yes, Mike. It was him. I guess I don’t have to keep secrets anymore right?

- So he was the bastard that screwed you? All this time you have been suffering because of him. All this time I have been telling you that you shouldn’t suffer this much for a normal guy… Well he’s just a normal guy.

- The problem is exactly that Mike. People don’t see him as a normal person. They see only the money he has. He’s a bloody bastard just as all the other guys. He just happens to have more money.

- I see your point. So what do you intend to do? You are not gonna leave it this way, will you?

- I really don’t know what to do now. I just can’t see it through. Is there something I can do? I really don’t know. I am just tired of him screwing me over and over again. Even when he’s far from me. All these bad things keep happening because of him and that’s why I hate him even more every day.

- I know how you feel. But you better do something fast. I know you’re in London now but when you come back you need to react.

- I am not coming back.

- Wait. Whaaaat? You’re not coming back. What do you mean by that? You’re gonna live in London now? Did you leave your job?

- No. I am not coming back. At least not this year anymore.

- What do you mean by not this year anymore? It’s only April Jackie.

- I know. I’ll be here for a while with Thais and no I didn’t quit my job. I got a kind of vacation… Maybe I come back at the end of the year but for now the only thing I know is that I need some time alone. Can I call you back later? I don’t feel like talking right now.

- Yeah, sure honey. Take care. I am here for you if you need me.

- Thank you. Bye.

When I turned off the phone. There was a message.

We need to talk. I need to see you. I am sorry for all this media pressure I know it won’t get any easier. Please listen to me let’s talk. I miss you.

Peter

I just turned off the phone and went straight to bed again. The house contracts could wait. Now I just wanted to close my eyes and never open them again. I wanted to disappear forever. I wanted to erase my existence.

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caseyvalhalla · 8 years

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ok ok i will do the thing - tagged by @angelcontagion

A- Age: 36

B- Biggest fear: s p i d e r s and lots of other things including death but mostly spiders

C- Current time: 6:45PM

D- Drink you last had: coffee

E- Everyday starts with: my cat smacking me on the nose and yelling

F- Favourite song: about a girl

G- Ghosts, are they real: I lived in a place once where there was some legitimately weird poltergeist-y shit happening and my family corroborates that weird shit so... idk, there are things that cannot be easily explained 100% of the time and the universe is a strange and wonderful place with a myriad of knowable and unknowable mysteries

H- Hometown: ehh my mom lives in Boise, and I have lived there on and off since high school, but we moved so many times when I was a kid I don’t feel like I really have what one might consider a “hometown” i.e. where I grew up. If someone asks me “where do you live” i would obvs say Seattle and if they ask “where are you from” in the hometown-ish context I would say Boise bc it’s easier

I- In love with: victuuri, at the moment

J- Jealous of: future me, who is already done with grad school and hopefully has a good job and free time

K- Killed someone: what

L- Last time you cried: last week, listening to WTNV episode 100

M- Middle name: why do you care, it’s boring

N- Number of siblings: 2 - @mbrown09 and @tenlaven

O- One wish: I wake up on the morning of November 9, 2016. Hilary Clinton is the president-elect. The last four months have been a bad dream.

P- Person you last called/texted: not including tumblr messenger.... looks like it was @moxieweed

Q- Questions you’re always asked: "is that a family name?” (no it’s from LOTR git gud)

R- Reasons to smile: cat videos, silly app games, fanfiction

S- Song last sang: Pompeii, I think, bc it came up on my playlist at work and then MJ had to show me the youtube video of Bastille singing it a capella in a museum.

T- Time you woke up: around 9, idk how i managed that (usually up 7 or earlier thanks a bunch Cloud)

U- Underwear color: WHY

V- Vacation destination: @adulterclavis‘s couch

W- Worst habit: eating my feelings, probably, or saying I’ll do something and then not doing it

X- X-rays you’ve had: mostly teeth? ankle once in 3rd grade

Y- Your favourite food: CURRY. All curry. Thai curry, Indian curry, mabo curry. I just made some mabo curry actually. All curries are the best.

Z- Zodiac sign: aquarius

I tag: everyone already tagged in this post and also @sylvermyth, @painpackerrisingsun, @the-smallest-kurapika, @xigheart, and @deadfreckledboys if you’re around

#sorry @ ppl on mobile #it's kinda long oh welll

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twistednuns · 7 years

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October 2017

On German Unity Day I made creamy mushroom pasta for breakfast. It was such a lovely, gloomy autumn day. I woke up early, it was still dark, so I started cleaning, organising, cooking, had a good internet reading session, made some tea. Cozy. And I started working on my project again: for years now I've been crocheting a granny square blanket. So far it's a baby blanket at best but I've frogged / undone a big piece of knitting I had done for a cardigan (which I've obviously never finished) and rolled a huge ball of yarn. It must weigh about half a kilo.

Jennifer Egan talking about books. She shares my notion: “In the moment of choosing, I tend to go with whatever I’m craving most. Reading is a lot like eating for me: If I try to read a book I’m not hungry for, I won’t enjoy it, but if I wait until I have a real appetite for something, I’ll devour it.”

A little IKEA spending spree (looking at you here, Ypperlig collection - even though I returned the table and the shelves a few days later). I'm also thinking about a new wall colour - which means I'm photoshopping different hues on cellphone pictures. So far, a cold, dark green is my favourite but everyone keeps saying it's too dark.

Something to look forward to: according to Susan Miller, October 26th will be the luckiest day of the year.

Cleaning my car. What a difference it makes on my mental state when I have my surroundings in order. It never fails to amaze me. I'm more creative, I have more energy, I'm much better at tackling tasks.

Watching old pictures and videos from our holidays together. Queen Yogurtha the 26th must have slipped my mind... Hilarious though. We've vowed to take more videos from now on and cut together an annual movie. It's so much more fun than photographs. I also looked at some old pictures of Cleo... gosh, I miss him. I think I need a cat in my life to be truly happy.

Spending time with Markus. Watching Disney movies, watching him drink his prosecco with a pink straw. Frank calls him my perfect gay best friend - with benefits.

Sexy dreams: flying to New York, seeing Disneyland (?) and Manhattan from the plane. Just to spend the weekend in a fancy hotel room with a vaguely familiar dude (Roli? Tom?) / A guy looking like Ville Vallo, up in Denmark, who was supposed to be my uncle. / A classroom, a vocabulary test. Helpless me, unruly students. A man who simply stated "I know you want me" and kissed me. Stuff like that drives me crazy.

The painting "Champagne Breakfast" by Nick Alm.

Adding orange juice to roasted oven veggies. Making pumpkin soup an thai curry. Playing kitchen goddess. Preparing meals for the freezer, turning my trusted banana bread recipe into muffins, obsessing over homemade semolina pudding - it's one of the quickest, easiest and most satisfying desserts to make. I've tried it with apple and cinnamon, mango-passion fruit, kiwi, banana and lemon zest so far. Now that we're already at it: take some free fridge porn!

Reconnecting with Frank. We hadn't seen each other for almost three months and actually there wasn't much to say or catch up on. But it somehow just feels right to have him in my life. However difficult our relationship might be, I feel like something is missing without him.

Shopping at VollCorner: "Kommt ein Karótchen in Frage?" (awesome accent, mate)

Ewan McGregor as Curt Wild in Velvet Goldmine (1998) - almost licking the mic on stage, sprinkling himself with gold glitter and pretending to jerk it off into the audience, mooning everyone, wearing eyeliner and nail polish... it's supposed to be a homage to Iggy Pop - a very good one indeed. I mean, just look at him. And then we see Brian Slade falling in love with him, quietly, slowly. What a tender - and highly erotic - moment of film history. Thank you for this, Todd Haynes. Long haired dudes are my weak spot. Oh, and have I mentioned that Toni Collette is in the movie, too? Can it get any better?

Erin Timony's Goodnight Moon videos. Escpecially the Babblebrook playlist. So soothing. I love her sweet face and her personality. Not to mention her voice.

Smelling the fresh coffee beans through the little holes in the Tchibo coffee bags at the supermarket. Always lifts my mood.

This new fabric softener I have smells gorgeous. I can't stop sniffing my towels and pillow cases.

An afternoon at Hofgarten, playing Wikingerschach with Julia, Franzi, Ralf, Frank and Lena (who made zucchini-fennel pizza for us!) - drinking cider and prosecco, enjoying the gorgeous weather, having to explain the rules to some other guys playing boule behind us. Franzi's white blouse with lobster embroidery. One of the nicest Saturdays this year.

Oh, Dory. After keeping my distance for a few months we had some quite intense moments again in the last weeks. I wonder if I'm the only one who feels that way. I made thai tea ice-cream, we shared pictures of (cats in) our apartments and found out the we both love Ewan McGregor and Von Wegen Lisbeth. Oh, and she cut my hair.

Doris: "Du bist ein Falco-Song!"

Learning about Baba Yaga. A house on chicken feet? Interesting. Just like flying around in a mortar...

A neck and shoulder massage at the Thai massage place - at least during the massage, it was so relaxing and nice. Afterwards my back was sore as fuck.

The Babylon Berlin screening at Seriencamp was quite impressive. Especially the theme song by Severija Janušauskaitė. I loved that concert scene.

"Du oder keine!"

I just realised what amazing friends I have who will readily accept any kind of weird life choice I'll make. They might raise an eyebrow but they'll embrace it because the know and love me.

Also, I have to point out again how much I love spending time with my journalist friends. I can make a reference to pretty much any (pop-)cultural phenomenon, talk about all the movies, series and actors, use fancy words and they'll still know what I'm talking about!

Monotypes by Renée Gouin.

Cold, starry autumn nights, preferably after a storm.

The Born to Rock Halloween party!

Watching Andi Zeisler, the founder of Bitch Media in Portland, speak about feminism as a popcultural phenomenon after my first real date with a woman.

#october #2017 #october 2017 #personal #present perfect #things i love

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