#I keep thinking idk how to draw ppl anymore & then I always surprise myself lol

[gotchibam]

Commissioned piece for Gabriel!

[goodnightkisseu-main]

Wanna One In San Jose Fan Account~

So, now that it's after the concert, and I'm feeling all sorts of things, here's my highlights/what I remember from the concert! I’ll split this itno parts. So I put the stuff about the boys and the concert first (since that’s probably what ppl are interested in, lol), and then things from the rest of my day like lining up, meeting mutuals, getting freebies, giving out freebies, etc. ^^

Also note: I’m leaving this concert even more confused as to the order of Ong, Daniel, and Jisung in my biases, like it’s all a mess now OTL

Read more under the cut cuz this is long!

Concert Highlights

So security was kind of strict about video. Like I know a lot are floating around, but they stopped ppl from taking pics and filming a lot. I was unlucky because I was maybe like one row from the front, but the security guard stood right in front of me and always looking in my direction so I couldn’t pull out my phone... or I was too chicken, so I wasn’t able to take any video or pics. ;; Sorry ;;

I’m also... short, so it was hard to see at times unfortunately ;;

I was situated near the bridge tothe extended stage on the left side. I had started off with maybe 4 rows of ppl in front of me, but eventually found myself only one row from the bridge to the extended stage section o.o I got to see the boys walking by a lot. 

Speaking of, the boys spent more time on the extended stage than I thought. Jihoon, Daehwi, Jinyoung, and sometimes Woojin, Jaehwan and Guanlin spent a lot of time on the left side. I believe Minhyun was too but on the actual extended stage (?)

Additionally, Jisung usually walked by, but never stood on the left side. However, he would always wave and look at those as he waved and ah... Jisung in person is just... I can’t... he just... he’s got this really kind aura and I’m a mess >< He looked in my direction a couple times, maybe we made eye contact, I’m not sure, but his visuals in person are no joke. All of them are like this, in my opinion though ><

On the topic of Jisung... you guys... DJ Jisung... it was not something I knew I needed, and after this concert, I can’t let it go ;; Jisung looked like he was having soooo much fun DJing and not only that, he looked good doing it. I have lots to say about DJ Jisung, but I’ll keep it brief here. 

I guess since I started with Jisung, I’ll just do fan accounts for each of the boys from here. 

Sungwoon I didn’t get to see often, but my goodness, they were doing aegyo and they had him do puppy aegyo and it was so cute! ;A; 

Also Sungwoon’s vocals are no joke. For  영원+1, his voice was oh so good live >< 

I didn’t get to see Minhyun a lot ;; Most of what I heard from him was from Kim (thank goodness he saw her!) But from what I did see when I was looking around during ments and during ‘갖고 싶’ was that he was looking around at everyone, like looking at all of the fans. He really scanned the audience, it was kind of amazing ><

Also, unsurprising of Minhyun, those visuals in real life are stunning o.o Oh and dat dance solo.... my goodness x.x

Ong ;; So I didn’t get to see Ong often because he spent most of his time on the right side of the stage or, for ments, in the front and to the left, which I was not near. So I don’t have much to say unfortunately. ;; 

But what I can say, is that he really was interacting with all of the fans ;; if they made a heart towards him, he would make it back. If he saw a sign, he would wave. He’s really the sweetest.

Also Ong is super handsome. Like super, super handsome. Idk how he’s expecting me to function from now on, cuz I won’t be able to OTL 

He’s also a bit of a mess in all the right ways though. Like when he forgot to run back to the extended stage for the rest of ‘ 나야나’. He’s adorable, a man after my heart ><

Jaehwannnnnn! Those vocals are AMAZING! They had him singing the beginning of ‘너의 이름을’ without a backtrack and wow, just wow. I can still hear it, it’s so good ><

He was on the left side briefly and was super adorable ;;

So. Daniel. Idk if I can write this without sounding like a mess >< Unfortunately for me, he was also on the right side a lot. So I didn’t get to see him much until the end.

The white confetti at end was INTENSE! I legit thought I almost swallowed some x.x But that was when Daniel walked by and my heart probably stopped momentarily. He was making hearts and what not in my area and it was all so much that I don’t even remember if I made a heart back (I think I did) He just... he’s just...wow o///o

Also somehow, during most of the concert, Daniel’s position was in such a way where, from my vantage point, everyone’s heads framed him so that I could see him clearly ;A; He was probably the one I saw performing the most cuz he was the only one I could see. Daniel’s stage presence is no joke.

I could talk about Daniel’s visuals but I would be a puddle by the end so I won’t ><” I will say that he has a very cool and chill presence to himself. I was a little surprised, but in a good way ^^

Jihoon is a soft child, can I adopt him?! He’s trying so hard to be manlier but it’s making him cuter and it’s so adorable. You know what else is adorable? The bullet below.

I believe that it was during "Always" Jihoon was right in front of me, and I decided to do "내 마음 속에 저장". He was looking directly at me, saw it, and stopped for a second. Maybe he was thinking if he should do it back after promising he wouldn't anymore? Whatever it was his expression was cute xD After a second he finally waved at me >< It was adorable af, like my heart couldn't handle >///< (I AM BOLDING THIS BECAUSE IT WAS SO FREAKING CUTE)

Woojin was also super sweet ;A; He was waving to a lot of fans on the left side and he really looked like he was having fun ;;

Oh and the 2Park dance solo was sooooo good. All of the dance solos were good tbh >< I just can’t comment much cuz it was hard to see ;;

Baejinnnnn ;A; omg... I call him my son a lot, and tbh, after seeing him in person, I feel even prouder of him ;; he spent a lot of time on my side of the stage and was in front of me a couple of times. He was waving to everyone and I think we made eye contact a couple of times. Jinyoung... he really has a very gentle look in his eyes and a gentle aura overall ;; the sweestest boy. ;;

This being said, he was also smack dab right in front of me during the ‘보여’ and... okay Jinyoung, okay O.O He did really well >< Idk what else to say. He’s like my kid ><

Daehwi was so sweet ;A; he spoke in English I believe for the entirety of the concert. >< he also would crouch down and interact with fans ;; Such a sweet boy ;;

Guanlin!!! you guys... that blond hair actually looks really good. I’m always concerned with blond hair, but he looked great! And his dance solo was also nice! ;; He also spoke in english a lot ^^

Equally Important Highlights 

I arrived at about 11am and it wasn't too bad for most lines. The longest line by that time was VIP. I then proceeded to hand out my freebie chibis (thank you everyone that picked one up!) which ended up drawing a larger crowd than expected (sorry staff of the event center! ;;) It was a lot of fun meeting everyone! ya'll were so adorable and hearing ppl call my art cute is... idk how to handle it. I wasn't used to those types of compliments ;;

Also I was so excited to hear people asking for all of the members equally. Like oftentimes it feels like certain members have more fans, but hearing ppl ask for all of them, I... I feel so happy ;;

Thanks to Kim for taking a pic of these for me, cuz your girl goofed and didn’t do it before the concert and they were gone in like 30 mins ><”

Speaking of... I met Kim @nothingwithoutwannaone​, and she is the sweetest. We headed out for some lunch the following day cuz why not XD I had so much fun chilling with you ;; Let me know if you’re ever in the LA area!

I also got to meet @hopesdreamsandalatte and @maybe-spring and they were sooooo cute ;A; I felt like a big sister (which, most probably don’t know, but I’m the baby of my family) so I really wanted to take care of them. They were so full of energy tho, and by that time I was kind of running low on it from being outside for almost 8 hours at that point. So thank you, the both of you for giving me energy again. ^^

I ended up getting a handful of freebies, some of which I ended up in line for accidentally. Like  was standing there and all of a sudden a line would form. My freebie luck was strangely good.. mostly for Ong freebies XD I also got to meet the site masters for WeddingDate and PickOngUp. They were so nice ;;  I also bought a banner from HereToday ;; I unfortunately did not get anything for Daniel because they all went pretty fast ><

Everything on the left was freebies. The items on the right are the slogan pack I bought ^^

So in the end, I had a ton of fun and met a ton of cool people. Wanna One is the group that’s gotten me back into KPop, so thank you to everyone for making the concert a lot of fun! ^^

[chikotos]

speaking of That my mom is finally recognizing that when I say “i dont feel good” it doesnt mean i have a cold or sth its that Uh, im probably experiencing suicidal thoughts and cant express it well (or at least smth along those lines) and my house has been dirty cuz i havent cleaned in a while or i cant keep it clean and she n my sister cleaned an area and i repeatedly told her not to bc shes always using my sister to do things im not adequate enough to do on time and its rlly not fair to her even if she doesnt realize it cuz like shes only 12 & we dont ever even talk so she shouldnt have to take care of someone 5 years older than her.. and i was gonna clean but I basically slept all day so i could just clean alone at night when I feel safe to walk around the house . i wasnt even tired idk why i slept but now im eerily awake and maybe will be umless i force myself to sleep

its so lonely here and thats only hit me like this year cuz all the time before I would go through periods of hanging out after school maybe.. twice a year? and only hanging out with one person whod have many friends but theyd b my only friend which is a problem i tend to have. but it jst got to the point where im realizing, i think cuz i was in my schools drama program n exposed to lots of friendships, that im jst like ,really fucking lonely. Which is unfortunate because ive always been such an internal person at home and have been able to work creatively but thats all like leaving me? art doesnt make me happy anymore because i dislike my art so much and havent had a platform to share it in so long and i guess I thrive on other ppls opinions of it? and I definitely cant write anymore. I havent been able to zone in on an interest in MONTHS and thats left me creatively drained, a lot. 

I think im starting to rlly, RLLY redirect my complete attention from interests to ppl (which always ends well am i right lads) and it isnt fair to ppl who like, have others and need space and time etc or Uh, dont even know me. but its like a switch like , I can either be creative or i can feel loved and Boy Howdy, do i need both,

its just weird cuz im the only one in my family thats emoitonal like this and I think thats why i feel so isolated. like im not exxagerating when I say my dad has 0 friends tht arent family. my mom has work friends she will hang out with maybe 4 times a year not for work, but shes always complaining abt social situations which I can understand. maybe my siblings r like that too but my sisters young n focuses on minecraft n stuff n hangs out w friends more than me n we barely know each other so its not like id know, maybe my half brother is but whens the last time hes wanted to talk to me right. like i cry all the time and all it does is make my dad angry at memfor being incompetent and make my mom think its her fault and my sister confused and jst takes up everyones time

and its jst all v strange. like i was kinda raised 2 not have friends, inadvertantly i guess. i can remember my mom trying to make me feel better about something along the lines of u can b okay w/out friends if u have family but she jst told me friends dont matter and im never gonna talk to ppl i meet at my age as an adult, so it stuck w/ me and i started to make moral judgements on ppl on small things we could talk out like say, they use homophobic language sometimes but im sure theyd respect me enough to stop, but id make those judgements before we could befriend each other n take a chance, kinda to protect myself from attachments? but later in life ive found ppl who dont do stuff like that, and thats when i focus in on them im an unfair way to them and they r the only person/group of ppl in my life, etc etc and idk how to stop because im so scared of hanging out w/ most ppl alone i guess? but ill still be here, thinking about like example (namedrop bc he doesnt have me tumblr anyways) my friend jacob tht never hung out w/ me outside of school but i fuccin loved that kid n he just stopped talking to me over the summer n ignored my text i send first day of summer and now we see each other and talk briefly but its like he wont let us be friends anymore and smth like this always happens and its So

and tbh how can i expect it to not happen when i limit myself so much n they will have plenty of other close close friends when i dont? and i think ive gotten better but idk anymore. 

and uh, unrelated. I think my dog ive had for 12 years may have to end up being put down this year. hes got cataracts in both eyes and skin diseases and back problems and teeth problems (hes inbred) and hes losing his hearing too and for the past two weeks hes been peeing everywhere and we can let him out but he cant climb stairs anymore n he has to walk them to get to our yard and im the only one w/ the patience to pick him up (hes only 8 pounds) n put him in the yard bc my parents will jst scream at him n my sister doesnt like dogs and hes got seperation issues w me and whines when he cant be in my room which is the farthest from the door out n stuff. and its like rlly stressful my mom will scream at him in front of my sister n brother n me and the other day she said my dad grabbed him by the neck and threw him out on the concrete cuz he peed inside and hes so tiny that thats just gonna make everyting worse and its notmlike i can stop them bc why would anyone listen to me and hed prob b fine for s few more years if he lived in a patient house with ppl who would take him to the vet but theyre prob gonna put him down early snd its gonna b so weird w/out him

when i showered earlier i took s razor with me w/ the intent to cut my thighs, and i did a little, but i never ever draw blood wnd its strange. why am i given these urges when im so fucking terrified of blood. itll still leave marks n stuff but it makes me feel weak ? n ill bruise myself up instead but its never the same. and im such an advocate for help w self harm but i cant for myself. its like i subconsciously want 2 get caught ? idk. i did throw my razor away though and the others i have r rusty and im not THAT much of a dumbass so i dont have options to self harm anymore unless i get new ones. lifehack

and uh lol, having no schedule n it being summer my eating habits r SHIT. it always hurts to eat p much, its at different times n most of the time i just snck only or i dont eat for hours n see black spots n stuff. and when i dont eat its not a body image thing (im nt rlly happy w my nody but its not sth not eating will help with) its cuz i dknt wanna go upstairs for food where my dad is n the snacks r downstairs so its easier, or cuz i forget or cuz i like, want to punish myself? but im too lazy to self harm. its weird

n since ive stopped id’ing as ace officially my internalized lesbophobia has gotten so much worse . im so repressed and lost ans sad, nothinng rly makes sense? I either fall in love w/ anyone who flirts with me or i focus on someone who ill never fucking talk to or see again and imagine countless scenarios n set myself up to b sad. i seek validation from ppl on it but nothhing comes out right or i just cant say it, because other than when i make myself the butt of gay jokes i just cant sven get the words out of my throat that im gay cuz im jst so ashamed and disgusted with myself. ive been looking at pictures of guys lately cuz ive been trying to force myself to like them. back when i thought i was pan it always felt safer bc i could always just love a cis guy or whatever and everything would b okay for my family ykno. and its such a shameful thing for me bc my irl friends who im out to, most see me as v confident abt it at least a little bc im loud abt it u kno, and make all sorts of jokes, and i jst know so many would b surprised or like sad abt that

i want to stop liking girls so much. like holy shit. i have so many straight girl friends and i hate it when they flirt with me because lik, none r my type so i feel nothing but then i feel like i shiuld then feel like No i shouldnt then feel like i shouldnt even be around them bc im a gross disgusting creepo dyke predator. n they always use the excuse of me having a gf so its fine id never hit on them well like, now im single so i have to be DOUBLE careful not to b affectionate w them as im w all my friends and itsssssssssssssmjshfjhdjfhsjdhjshdjshdjhsjdhsjhdjshdk

and i like, think abt this girl alot n yea its romantic even thomwe never fucking talked n rlly i do that w lots of girls and its making me lose out on friendships bc i wanna b their friends somehow bc i think theyre very cool n stuff but i cant stop hodling on to stupid daydreams n idealizations i get to distract me when im sad n its jst stupid like i know its dumb but guess whos boutta keeeeeeppppp doin it??!!!!! boy!!!

and i try so damn hard to talk feeling out, n talk abt who im attracted to n stuff w ppl, n i try so hard to gush but i cant cuz smth comes outta my mouth and then i cant speak past that and no one ends up rlly knowing how i feel, bc ANY time i talk abt anytingngay related abt me its what happens. and i listen to others talking abt tht stuff and i jsut get so god damn JEALOUS bc idk how to express myself 

all these inadequacies n shit is making it rlly hard to see how,im gonna b on my own n its always been like this. at TWELVE YEARS OLD i came to fhe fucking conclusion that i was just gonna kill myself when i turned 18 so i didnt have to deal with all this and i was OKAY WITH IT and i just went through life knowing that and hiding it and so rarely questioning my inevitable suicide as a childc so instead of dealing with all that n my problems n getting better i let myself get worse cuz uh, fuck it right

idk its all just occured to me how im not a fully functioning human being, in seberal if not all aspects of my life, its weird. now that I actively want to live and realize i uh Kinda have to simce ill b the legal guardian of my brother its all very scary

sorr i was all over the place and all the typos i didnt mean anyof them n im not crytyping like, i cried a bit but i jst hate typing kn thsi shitty tablet keyboard, n dont wanna spellcheck. if u read through comgratulations also please dont message me abt like the self harm junk n my dog n stuff like, whatever ur abt to say. I Know my guy 

time to go uhhhhhhhhhhh daydream about impossible gay shit with guilt in the back of my mind