#I love Christian in this group though bc there are a lot of women already and he’s playing a feminine presenting non-binary robot

[elliesgaymachete]

honestly if we get to the other half of bells hells and most of the guests are men or there’s no women imma be lowkey disappointed

[macaronnya]

Fresh(?) Impressions (2)

Other parts: |Trickstar| |UNDEAD| |2wink| |Ra*bits| |Akatsuki| |fine| |Ryuseitai| |Knights| |Valkyrie| |Switch| |MaM/Double Face/Crazy:B| |Eden| |Alkaloid|

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Hello Enstarries~☆ It hasn't been 24h yet but lucky enough, I'm a master procrastinator so here's the next part with UNDEAD already. This whole series is probably more like me talking in an echo chamber but that's also alright. I couldn't eternalise my first thoughts from other games, which is quite a shame. So this will be a nice memory to look at when someday the game ends and enough time has passed for my opinions on them to have changed. I sure hope that that someday is still very far away.

Anyways here's my last post about Trickstar, if you're curious enough and want more info about me and enstars. And the next one as well, if I'm committed enough to continue.

|Prev| |Next| See above ⬆️

DISCLAIMER!: Everything said here is for entertainment purposes only and not meant to attack anyone. This is not an accurate description of any characters but my subjective rambling for fun, so please don't take it too seriously. (Just to be safe, I'm kinda scared of elite idol fans) Also, you will hear me mention other games a bunch of times bc I'm that bad and uncreative at explaining and I'm still grieving A3!EN's shutdown. Eng is my 2nd or 3rd language so you might see weird spelling or grammar. I like to think I'm pretty decent, though...

Without further ado....Let's Ensemble!☆

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Ah yes, the sexyish bad boy group. Military aesthetic once more but make them goth. All their uniforms are slightly different from each other but still cohesive, which is nothing groundbreaking but I just wanted to mention I love stuff like this. And these outfits in general. Really cool stuff. Also, everyone has different gloves. Purple is my fav color so I might be biased. Their songs are more rock 'n roll with a lot of guitars, which isn't exactly my go to genre but it's nice to listen to it sometimes. Melody in the Dark & Valentine Eve's Nightmare are my favs. They also sing with these oldies microphones, which is cool but looks a bit funny when they gotta take the whole thing to switch places. Surface aside, they're all much sweeter than their image leads on?? Like, I was surprised upon reading their Ep.1.

7.5/10 - I like them a bit, mainly for their color scheme but I think I'll like them for more as well

Rei Sakuma

I thought he was some mysterious flirt, who will tease and entice you to do flirty stuff but he's actually a nice old vampire next door. His vocabulary and tech knowledge may be from the 19th century but he drinks his respect women (& tomato) juice 👍I know he sleeps in a coffin and has a younger brother who hates him for some reason, so there's something he may have fucked up....He's also very pretty. Possibly one of the prettiest one out of the whole cast. His voice is very attractive as well, sounds like melted chocolate.

8/10 - i like him, he's pretty, polite, lives with a distinct lowkey flair, this card is amazing

Kaoru Hakaze

Flirty boys often make me weak. Not bc I actually fall for their flirting but I like what hides beneath that. Be it trauma (Ikki, Amesia), shyness (Inigo, FE:Awakening), dorkiness (Impey, Code:Realize). I knew instinctively he's one of them and his panicking monologue Ep.1 that lasts for ⅓ of the time was my proof. I don't think he's christian (like smn else) even though he has a cross necklace here. It would fit more with Rei's vampire package but whatever. He seems easy to fluster, which is just the cherry on top. His voice is also nice, melodic and sweet but only like 65% chocolate.

8.5/10 - Cute but hot as well, I wonder what more he hides

Koga Ogami

Wild and rowdy. I know he jumped on poor Anzu on her first day. Imagine falling on your face bc of some rude dog boy on your first school day smh. I used to mistake him for Izumi and vice versa. Similiar hairstyle and haircolor, though his color scheme is warmer. Idk why he insists on being taking the saying lone wolf so literally but if it works 🤷‍♀️ He really went at it during Nightless World's MV with his guitar. Surprised he composes but somehow also not. I guess, he's just very creative and passionate, hence his wolf persona.

6/10 - he's not average but also not that interesting

Adonis Otogari

What a gentleman. He reminds me of Guy (A3!) what with him being rather stoic and looking slightly intimidating but is actually quite caring. And he might have important parents in his homeland? Maybe it's not that special tho, considering he's attending a private academy and looking at the rest of the cast....He's probably the tsukkomi from his unit. Might have the patience of a saint. I didn't expect him to have such a deep voice and it felt a bit off at first, but maybe that's just bc I was still playing A3! and there's another character with the same VA, who's quite different. This is the second time I see this VA in an idol franchise, the idol in question is Gaku from Idolish7. His unit's vibe is also similiar. I forgot to mention it but FORBIDDEN RAIN is an absolute banger as well.

7/10 - I look forward to getting to know him better

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Conclusion

This group is one of the more normal units, I think, which is pretty telling of the other ones. Overall on a more favourable side. I dig their costumes and voices.

Reading their Ep.1 made me question whether I suddenly shifted games or smth. Especially Kaoru's??? He's so funny panicking and being all "I'm usually so much coolee why is she so cute? 😣". Rei's manner of speech and the library made me think of these isekai manwhas on the rise. Adonis was suddenly talking about world disasters (ain't that hitting close home) and his guilt of not being of more help and slight desire to just stay in safe Japan but ultimately not regretting helping his land. And Koga is struggling to find his individual self after finally finding a place to belong. Like, what is this tone shift from Trickstar!? I guess, this is a sneek peak to what we will see more of in future events and character development? Do characters have that here?

Anways, feel free to comment whatever and share some thoughts. Until next post!~☆

[aphroditeslesbian]

hi

I was also raised 7th day Adventist and I’m a closeted lesbian. I don’t hate my religion..because I personally didn’t have a bad experience with it in my childhood, but it clashes a lot with my beliefs and well parts of my identity. I’m feeling a bit helpless because this religion has been a big part of my life, a lot of strong women I look up to in my life are sda, and my local sda community is very wholesome. And by now you can sense my reluctance in letting it go. I’ve been coping by thinking I should find a gay-friendly sda church once I move out.. if I ever get married. What’s your journey been like? 🪴

Hey! I don't meet a lot of sda online, it's interesting to hear a different perspective. I'm gonna go into everything, bc my experiences with sda really shaped me, and yeah, it's been a wild, not so fun ride.

Basically I was baptized catholic as an infant, but my family isn't practicing catholic. My mom is very religious, and wanted me to have a good education... In Brazil, we have very poor public education in primary and secondary school, and the best schools are the private ones... Which are also religious schools. So I wound up studying in a sda school from kindergarten to highschool graduation.

So from a young age (4 yo) I was raised on my school's religious beliefs. I was really involved, and my childhood best friend was also sda, she lived a couple floors down from me and we'd hang out often, and her family would bring me to church on Saturdays (there was a sda church across the street from the apartments we lived in). I was the staple Christian child, I prayed every night and every morning, apart from all the prayer at school ofc. At 8yo they did a talk at school about the importance of baptism, and I asked my parents to allow me to be baptized as sda. My mom surprisingly didn't want me to be baptized again, not so young, but my dad said I should do what I wanted, so I was baptized again at the school's church. Literally the school had an auditorium for our weekly religion-related classes, which we called "chapel", and was basically like going to church – but mandatory, as it was during school time. This specific school also had a church built on the side, so yeah.

During my early childhood through preteen years I had no issues with the school's teachings and sda ideology. It was all I had ever known, my family encouraged religion and we'd also sometimes (rarely) go to catholic church. I honestly didn't even realize people could not believe in god until I was 12/13.

I had never really heard much about being gay, or being anti gay during primary school - I may have forgotten having ever heard it from teachers. I only heard about homophobia from peers, and so I knew that being gay was a bad, evil, gross thing.

When I was around 11/12 we moved to a smaller town, and I started at a smaller Adventist school. I was the only one in my small newly found friend group who was baptized, and moving was very traumatic for me, so I started becoming less active in church. I became severely depressed because of the move and other stuff at home, and turned to the internet for a distraction.

I first heard about atheism from a youtuber, and he was known for his controversial takes (he's pretty nasty, it's only gotten worse with time but anyway). I guess a mixture of depression, becoming a teen, having my rebellious phase, I started researching into it.

My religion teacher (we had "religion" classes, but they should really have been called "7th Day Adventism classes") was much harsher than the one I had at my first school. This was around the time that Twilight was a big deal, and I read those books sooo many times for comfort, I got into Harry Potter etc. Not long after I moved to this school, we had a religion class about how Harry Potter was inspired by the devil. My books were often confiscated during class, even if I had already finished my assignments and was reading quietly, even if they were just on my desk. Being super depressed and introverted, with very few friends, books were my refuge. Having the teachers look down on them and literally say they were devilish and evil really started to shift my view of the religion. I knew these were good books, I loved them. So how could they be evil?

I have a very strong memory of praying and praying once and begging Jesus and god to help me, to give me a sign, because I was terrified of losing my religion, of losing god. All I had learned my whole life was that god is good, god is love etc. How come god wasn't helping me, my family, through some of the worst times? How come I was alone?

At around 12/13 my cousin came out to me as bi, and soon after another cousin came out as gay. I barely fully understood what that meant, and the internet was again where I researched about it. I realized I liked girls at the time, but I never understood you could even be married to a woman, as a woman. Even though I knew I liked and was attracted to girls, I never let myself think too much on it. The school was pretty obvious about how marriage is between a man and a woman, our "sex talk" was a class with our religion teacher. Bio talk was split, the boys left the room so we could learn about female anatomy and stuff, and then the boys had the room, etc. Our religious teacher was very adamant about how one shouldn't have sex before marriage, and marriage was between a man and a woman so...

Honestly the basework they laid was to erase homosexuality. I didn't even grasp that I could be anything but attracted to girls, I didn't realize I could do anything about it.

And then in highschool, I guess bc we were old enough, they finally started being outspoken about their hatred of gay people. There would be snide comments from the Portuguese/Lit teacher, a disgusting talk from the History teacher about how gay men's sexual activity leads to anal incontinence, the Religion teacher saying it was wrong, comparing it to criminality, the school's vice principal giving us a lecture and making sure to hammer in the worst thing anyone could turn out to be was homosexual.

At this point I thought I was okay with my same sex attraction, I thought these things weren't getting under my skin. But then I learned about being trans, and I came to the conclusion that since I was into girls, I couldn't be a woman. I identified as trans from around 15-19. That was internalized misogyny and homophobia, that was me actually letting all the snide little comments settle deep in me, and shape who I was.

Anyway, at around 14 I was done. School was teaching us that bastard kids aren't blessed by god (me and my siblings are all "bastards" as my parents were never married). They told us couples who lived together and we're never married were not blessed by god, and implied they were bound to have issues for their sin.

I was a teenager living in a broken home, my father was emotionally abusive to me and my mother, and honestly at the end of the day I had to choose if I wanted to believe in a god who was supposedly love itself, yet didn't protect me and my young siblings and my mom... Or not believe in god at all.

Leaving the church and coming to terms with not believing in god was one of the toughest times in my life. My depression was in the gutter, I was self harming, I was struggling. I remember thinking of my cousins, whom I was very close with growing up, and knowing they were good people, so how could god not love then? I remember thinking of myself, of all I had done for the church, for god, and wondering how could god not accept me.

For me, the church was poison. I only saw hypocrisy, I saw people who judged each other, who cared more about their own concepts of right and wrong than being mindful of others. I saw my teachers who preached being kind, but ridiculed and laughed at other religions and those who believed them. When I was questioning religion, I always had sooo many questions for my religion teacher and so often she just told me that some questions were too big for us to understand, that only god could fully comprehend himself.

I'm proud to have come out the other side, but I won't lie. The community that church represents does seem so lovely and welcoming. I wanted to be a part of something, and church offered that.

But at the end of the day, there's no space for me, a lesbian, in there. They don't believe gay marriage is okay, they don't condone our "lifestyle". They think this is a choice we're making, and a bad one at that.

The childhood friend I mentioned earlier, who I used to go to church with, actually came out as a lesbian a couple years ago as well. Her sda family is giving her a really hard time. She's left the church, last I heard.

Honestly, my advice would be to find other community. Find community with other lesbians, people who can accept you unconditionally, who can offer you support without small print. That's what I'm trying to do.

I personally am against christianity for a lot of other reasons besides my very negative experiences. Maybe that's not you, and in that case I guess finding a church that is LGB friendly can be the answer. I couldn't judge anyone for choosing to stay, because like I said I really understand how nice it can feel, how it's like you belong in this community, how it can feel like the church is family.

But I really suggest deep soulsearching, because in my experience all they ever did for me was suck all my energy, all my devotion, and spit me out when I was never going to be the heterosexual good girl they expected me to be.

Sorry for the super long answer, I hope this helps some? If you wanna talk more in private you can hit me up through DMs, I'm very willing to listen and talk about it.

[sapphicscholar]

hi so I didn't know who to ask but in my psych class we're learning about adolescent psychology, & there was this unit on developing interest in relationships. It went way into detail on how the brain changes during that time, which was interesting, but ofc my gay ass couldn't relate. at the end all it said was 'it's different for homosexuals.' I guess I'm wondering if you know of any way to learn about psychology relating to LGBT people? srsly im thirsty for anything in academia I can relate to

(same psych anon) that was a pretty specific question so I guess like do you have any info or know of any links/ websites/places to learn about lgbt history and lives and stuff like that in an academic way? bc I love school & learning but I’ve always wanted to learn more about myself and people like me, but they never teach that in schools.

Oh my gosh SO MANY THINGS! Okay, so, the psych stuff is pretty outside of my knowledge but I asked my gf (she does the science in this relationship while my gay ass just reads a whole lot of books), and she recommends Helen Fisher and looking at the researchers at the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality or the Kinsey Institute, as well as The Sage Encyclopedia of LGBTQ Studies (it’s an online resource a lot of universities subscribe to). But I’d also say that as far as thinking about developmental narratives, LGBTQ memoirs are a great place to start, especially since so many of them go through their own experiences of having to confront this heteronormative, cis-centric narrative that just doesn’t fit them and their lives. 

So some good queer history authors are: John D’Emilio (comprehensive, if a bit male-centric), Lillian Faderman (writing all about lesbian history, including more recent history; very well-respected; she’s got some issues in her scholarship that by no means discount it as a whole, but I’m happy to talk more about if you want), Michael Bronski (his Queer History of the United States is really accessible), George Chauncey (it’s just of NYC, but still fun), Estelle B. Freedman, Foucault (though it’s not quite “history,” it’s a kind of history meets theory of regimes of power and how sexuality got tied up in that), Martha Vicinus (I adore her), Valerie Traub (goes all the way back to the early modern period), and so many others who really focus more on niche history, so I won’t list them here. There are some web resources, but I know a lot of them are databases that are subscription-based. I’ll see what I can’t dig up in the next couple of days as far as free websites. I know they exist; it’s just a matter of having the time to look…

Okay, you didn’t specifically say you were interested in literature but bc I taught literature and think it’s a great way to learn about the history of a group, I’m gonna list some anyway and you can feel free to disregard!

Patricia Highsmith, The Price of Salt (or Carol, depends on the year it was printed) – you can also check out the movie! I find the two to be complementary (the book gives you Therese’s POV almost exclusively, whereas the movie shows much more of Carol’s story) 

Alison Bechdel, Fun Home is her graphic novel/memoir that’s really excellent, but the comic strip that sort of launched her as a public persona (at least within the lesbian community) was Dykes to Watch Out For, quite a bit of which is available for free online

Henry James, The Bostonians – one of the first recognizable depictions of a queer female character in literature (not really…I’d trouble that as a professor, but that’s how it gets taught in general, and it was one of the first books where even contemporary reviewers were quick to note that there was something “wrong” or “morbid,” which was 19th C. code for what would come to be understood as lesbian sexuality, about Olive Chancellor) – free online, though it’s James at his most….Jamesian, which means it’s not that accessible

The poetry of Emily Dickinson! It’s all free online. There’s a ton of it, though much of it isn’t obviously queer

James Baldwin, Giovanni’s Room – gets into bisexual identity in a way a lot of works don’t do; on the sadder side…fair warning 

Virginia Woolf! Especially Orlando or Mrs. Dalloway – the former has been called “the longest and most charming love-letter in literature” (to Woolf’s longtime friend and lover, Vita Sackville-West) and deals with the fluidity of gender and time; the latter has quite a few flashbacks to the brief childhood romance of the protagonist and her friend. Both of them are great, but Woolf, as a modernist, can have a writing style that’s difficult to get into at first (for instance, time really isn’t stable or linear, which is something I adore about her, but definitely takes some getting used to). They’re both available free online through Project Gutenberg

Radclyffe Hall, The Well of Loneliness – it’s a classic, in the sense that it’s one of those books people sort of expect you to have read if you do lesbian literature. It’s certainly an interesting story and told well, but it’s not even close to a happy ending and is rather conciliatory to prevailing norms (though even still it was taken to the courts under the  obscenity laws) - free online, though!

Sarah Waters – a contemporary novelist who writes almost all historical fiction about queer women! Some of her stories are better known (e.g. Tipping the Velvet), but they’re pretty much all great. Varying degrees of angst, but definitely an accessible read

Maggie Nelson, The Argonauts – sort of experimental in form (it’s fiction with footnotes!); it deals with a lesbian woman coming to terms with her partner’s transition and her own identity during the process 

E.M. Forster, Maurice – even though it was first drafted in the 1910s, Forster edited it throughout his life, and, given the subject matter, which was also autobiographical, and the prevailing attitudes at the time, the book was only published posthumously in the 70s

Colette’s Claudine series – it’s long (multi-volume) but sort of a classic – they’re all old enough to be free online, though the English translation is harder to come by 

Eileen Myles – lesbian poet and novelist – I’d recommend Inferno but some of her poetry is free online 

Rita Mae Brown – Rubyfruit Jungle and Oranges Are not the Only Fruit are both quite good, though, especially the latter deals with religiously-motivated homophobia, so I know at least my girlfriend, who dealt with a lot of that from her family, opted not to read it for her own mental health. 

Tony Kushner, Angels in America – this two-part play deals with the AIDS crisis in America – it’s been turned into a TV miniseries, a Broadway play, and a movie, some of which are available online

Really anything by David Sedaris or Augusten Burroughs – both are gay authors who deal a lot with short stories (a ton of memoir/autobiographical stuff) – the former is a bit funnier, but they both have enough sarcasm and dry wit even in dark situations to make them fast reads 

Alan Ginsburg’s poetry 

Walt Whitman’s poetry (though it can be really fucking racist) 

Binyavanga Wainaina, One Day I Will Write About This Place – does deal with issues of sexual abuse as a warning 

Anything by Amber Hollibaugh (she writes a lot about class and butch/femme dynamics – quite a bit of her stuff has been scanned and uploaded online) 

Michelle Tea – was a slam poet; recovering alcoholic; fantastically funny and talented author and delightful human being if you ever get the chance to meet her or go to one of her readings

Randy Shilts, And the Band Played On – more a work of investigative journalism than anything, the work is a stunning indictment of the indifference of the US government during some of the worst years of the AIDS crisis, but it also provides a good bit of gay history 

Terry Galloway Mean Little Deaf Queer – deals with one woman’s experience of losing her hearing and navigating the world and the Deaf and deaf communities as a once-hearing person – she’s sort of acerbic and always funny;

Jeffrey Eugenides, Middlesex – grapples with intersex identity in a way that’s still far too rare in literature 

Theodore Winthrop, Cecil Dreem – just rediscovered about two years ago, this is one of the few pretty happy gay novels from the nineteenth century! Free online!

Leslie Feinberg, Stone Butch Blues – pretty clear from the title, but deals with a butch character’s struggles with gender identity (takes T to pass for a while, but then gets alienated from the lesbian community; eventually stops taking T, but still struggles with what that means for her) – Feinberg’s wife made it free online for everyone after Feinberg’s death (the book had a limited print run, which made finding copies both hard and expensive) 

Harvey Fierstein, Torch Song Trilogy – trilogy later adapted for film about an effeminate gay man (who also performs as a drag queen) and his life and family   

Oscar Wilde – his novels aren’t explicitly gay, but they often dance around it thematically, at least; his heartbreaking letter, De Profundis, which he wrote to his lover while imprisoned for “gross indecency,” is available online 

Anything by Dorothy Alison 

Audre Lorde, Zami: A New Spelling of My Name - great as a memoir and a cultural history  

There’s so many more but this is so my jam I suspect I’ve already rambled too long

If you’re interested in film, here are a few: 

Paris Is Burning (a film about drag ball culture in NYC) 

Fire – Deepa Mehta (it’s on YouTube in the US) 

Boys Don’t Cry – there is a lot of homophobia and transphobia in the film, so it’s definitely one you’ll want to be in the right mindset to watch (I, for one, have only watched it once) 

But I’m a Cheerleader – over-the-top mockumentary-esque film that satirizes conversion therapy and the Christian “documentaries” that claimed to showcase their successes (RuPaul is in it as well) 

Desert Hearts – one of the earliest films to leave open the possibility of a happy ending for the lesbian couple 

Hedwig and the Angry Itch – deals with gender identity and feelings of not belonging (also a fabulous musical) 

Philadelphia – about one man’s experience of discrimination while dying of AIDS 

There are plenty of lighter films, but I figure these tend to also talk more seriously about some issues as well

I don’t know if anyone but me made it to the end of this post, but there’s also so much fun queer theory out there that I won’t get into here, but I’m always up for giving more recommendations!

[nochuandgochu]

Get To Know Me Uncomfortably Well

1. I am *respectfully* not saying (mainly bc it’s v ethnic & I don’t want to narrow down my identity that much first thing getting back into tumblr)

2. 21 ... sheesh

3. May 26

4. Gemini

5. Green!

6. 8

7. no :( but once I become financially stable I’m adopting the first reptile I see

8. Southeast USA

9. haha yeah I’m 5’10 and some change ... but in the spirit of the DMV which forces you to round up or down on your height for your license, I just tell ppl that I’m 5’11

10. haHA I’m a women’s 12, men’s 12, in US sizes

11. 11 lol!

12. it is *extremely* rare that I remember dreams, so I just assume I don’t dream at all

13. no talents, just a lot of miscellaneous things I happen to know how to do, (disclaimer: I don’t claim to be good at them though) ... i can make shoes?

14. wouldn’t that be the dream ... sadly I am not

15. literally can’t choose ... so I won’t but I CAN MENTION that I’ve been recently loving Q.U.E.E.N. by Janelle Monáe

16. once again ... I can’t choose, this time bc I hardly watch films diligently like that unless it’s apart of a franchise ... would love to get into pretentious indie films though, so leave any recs below

17. honestly? idk myself? idrc either??

18. Childbearing? No. Adoption? Yes.

19. lol I’m not getting married.

20. Raised Christian so I guess, but I’m still finding my place within all that bc I feel like there is *some* good in it underneath layers upon layers of human manipulation and oppression and bigotry rooted within the abuse of its teachings.

21. yeah

22. lmao not yet, I’m black in America it’s only a matter of time before I breathe the wrong way and someone calls the cops

23. one time in middle school, my choir went to Disney World and a small group of us girls rode rock n rollercoaster & when we went to go see our photos, we saw Debby Ryan a row behind us in the picture & we all flipped out & ambushed her just as she was leaving & got a photo with her. She was so sweet, frazzled, but sweet, sorry ab that Debby.

24. Showers. Period.

25. I’m barefoot, it’s too hot for that

26. Girl no, I’d be the worst famous person, like I genuinely do not aspire for that

27. Nope!

28. I love anything that can tastefully fuse different genres together — and I’ve been finding recently that movie scores & anime ops do that successfully A LOT

29. no ma’am

30. This is funny bc I’ve noticed over the years, the number just keeps increasing, we’re at 4 at the moment

31. Lol so I always end up in some variation of the fetal position on a normal night but when it’s really hot, I have this pose that kinda resembles the tape silhouette of a deceased person’s body at a crime scene.

32. It’s in the south, so even though I think it’s average size, ppl from the north claim my house & property is huge? lol no it’s not y’all just live cubicles.

33. yeah I don’t really remember to eat breakfast ...

34. Nope

35. Nope

36. Imbibe

37. Ass, I always add it onto another word as a suffix to emphasize my point unnecessarily

38. 24 hrs in college during finals week, never again

39. Oh yeah

40. Weirdly enough, yeah

41. Nope, I *truly* wish I was sometimes, all I can do is evade until my conscience finally gets the best of me & then I yak it up

42. I’d say so.

43. Yup, I can do a Nigerian accent (a lil rusty) and a southern inner-city kind of accent

44. I personally don’t think I do, but I know the ppl in my life say I do so ...

45. Don’t have a favorite, unless it’s Tom Hiddleston speaking

46. INFJ-T

47. My platform Docs

48. No

49. In-between-ie? It’s weird ...

50. Right

51. Nah

52. Time and time again I always come back to French fries

53. Roasted seaweed (the ones that comes in paper-like sheets)

54. Clean

55. “it be like that” & “so it would seem”

56. “oof” & a randomized keyboard smash du jour

57. About an hour if we’re including showering

58. Not really?

59. Suck

60. Absolutely

61. Yessir

62. Nah

63. My overprotectiveness of my thoughts & interests stopping me from putting myself “out there” & regretting it later

64. No

65. idk?

66. on me? short. on guys? loooong. like we’re talking ponytail game strong

67. sure, as long as there’s no time limit or external pressure

68. astronomy, there was no pressure to be right or wrong, it was just so wholesome

69. semi-extroverted introvert

70. nah

71. to this day, public speaking

72. Nope

73. Depends on the mistake

74. Only on my feet, I give the ladies at the nail shop HELL whenever I’m getting a pedicure I’m so sorry lol

75. No, what would you gain from that?

76. Nope

77. I mean technically nooo bc I was in a foreign country & the drinking age was significantly lower & I was old enough there but not in the US

78. Nah but honestly want to (only marijuana not the life-threatening ones)

79. Celebrity? Zayn Malik. IRL? some theatre/choir boy a few years older than me named Matt.

80. 4

81. Sure can!

82. Average speed ig?

83. people go around measuring these things? with a stopwatch? I would say average speed again

84. black and brown

85. The deepest of browns

86. No allergies :)

87. yeah

88. A paralegal and a freelance audio mixer & producer

89. I mean there’s nothing I can do about it ...? It’s just a fact so I don’t really feel any specific way ab it?

90. Being told to do something you were already planning to do. it’s really dumb but it really agitates me.

91. I guess. I can’t imagine myself with a different name. (Oh it’s Melody btw)

92. Nah

93. Idc I just want to adopt the bestest boys and girls who just want love & guidance

94. Incredibly empathetic and articulate

95. MANY but I have an internalized fear of being overbearing so whenever I have something worth saying that needs a little bit of power or force behind it, i fixate on my delivery and nitpick my speech patterns & what you get is a really mousy, quiet voice that’s barely heard

96. Parents were at church conference & my dad randomly received “divine inspiration” for my name to be Melody and my mom didn’t disagree

97. Actually, yeah, on my mom’s side

98. I think this question was asked already, but the answer is still yes.

99. I’m assuming bedspread mean bed sheets so teal!

100. Green :)

[nolongeractive---sorry-blog]

i’ve avoided talking about this my entire life, but like, i’m an adult now and this is my blog and i want to open up about my trauma for the very first time, okay? so um,

when i was a child, i was brainwashed and recruited into a cult. they call themselves all kinds of shit– apostolics, pentecostals, church of god– but they’re not christians no matter how much they want to believe they are! it’s a fucking cult, and like i said, i’ve never talked about this before so i’m going to use some “characteristics of cults” to help me explain my experiences within the cult

The group displays excessively zealous and unquestioning commitment to its leader and (whether he is alive or dead) regards his belief system, ideology, and practices as the Truth, as law.

while they don’t have one leader, each church’s pastoral line (yes, it’s usually biologically inherited) is viewed as the Truth, law, their word is 100% correct and they have no flaws (at least not flaws that can’t be corrected by Jesus)! the pastor is a healer and can make a paraplegic rise from their wheelchair and dance! the pastor can wish financial well-being on you and you’ll magically come into large amounts of money! the pastor can put his hand on your head and your headache will disappear instantly!

Questioning, doubt, and dissent are discouraged or even punished.

you are not to speak of doubt/questioning/dissent. all other religions and beliefs are wrong. only the beliefs of the church will save you. any doubts were very, very, very unspoken of and i would’ve been terrified to speak out against them.

Mind-altering practices (such as meditation, chanting, speaking in tongues, denunciation sessions, and debilitating work routines) are used in excess and serve to suppress doubts about the group and its leader(s).

they “speak in tongues”– meaning everyone has to pray by blabbering nonsense, and sometimes we would all stand in a circle and people would take turns blabbering nonsense, and they called it “Jesus speaking directly through [those people]”. speaking in tongues happened at every service. sometimes people would say “that person’s tongues are in [language] even though they can’t speak that language!” “that person’s tongues sound like they must be an ancient version of [language]!” they taught that tongues was the holy spirit speaking through us and they were an actual language somewhere in the world. i can literally guarantee you it was entirely gibberish!!!

The leadership dictates, sometimes in great detail, how members should think, act, and feel (for example, members must get permission to date, change jobs, marry, or leaders prescribe what types of clothes to wear, where to live, whether or not to have children, how to discipline children, and so forth).

we were not allowed to date outside of church. women could not cut their hair or wear pants, and men were encouraged to dress like they were going to church even if they weren’t. homosexuality was the ultimate abomination. you couldn’t have certain jobs. you couldn’t do drugs or drink alcohol, and those things were extremely wrong and made you a horrible person. you needed permission from your family (and sometimes the church) to date and marry.

The group is elitist, claiming a special, exalted status for itself, its leader(s) and members (for example, the leader is considered the Messiah, a special being, an avatar, or the group and/or the leader is on a special mission to save humanity).

they believe they’re the only people who are going to be saved and hold themselves up above other christians and other religions. people outside of the church aren’t truly happy and don’t truly love one another. i actually remember being taught that relationships outside of the church were doomed to fail because they couldn’t truly love one another if they weren’t pentecostal. it’s the church’s purpose to “save” as many people as possible because the rapture (end of the world, where all pentecostals are saved and all non-pentecostals are doomed to destroy one another and burn in hell for all eternity) is coming soon!! soon!! very soon!! perhaps obama is the antichrist!!

The group has a polarized us-versus-them mentality, which may cause conflict with the wider society.

again, we couldn’t date outside of the church. we were taught that we were the holiest of people. there were good people, and there were bad people, and we were the good people. everyone else was bad, evil, corrupt, sinning! our church was perfect and happy and nothing bad ever happened within it. everything outside was tainted and evil and scary. we were actually taught that people who believe in evolution were inherently racist because it meant they believed that nonwhite (more specifically, black) people were closer to apes than white people! yeah, seriously! we were taught that shit! we were also taught that Harry Potter was of the devil and rock music and shit was about satan lmao

The leadership induces feelings of shame and/or guilt in order to influence and/or control members. Often, this is done through peer pressure and subtle forms of persuasion.

the church would spread rumors about you if they didn’t think you were being “pure” enough. this happened to me and became the final straw in my leaving the church, actually. i wasn’t tithing (donating 10% of your income to the church, which was thoroughly documented btw) because 1. i was a fucking child and 2. i was dirt poor!! and they started spreading it around that i was cutting my hair and wearing jeans outside of church, which i wasn’t. they were constantly pitting members against members who weren’t “doing well enough” to serve the church

Subservience to the leader or group requires members to cut ties with family and friends, and radically alter the personal goals and activities they had before joining the group.

if you’re truly part of the church, you can’t be in contact with friends and family who aren’t, because they’re corrupt and will try to corrupt you. people were constantly pressured to stop talking to their family and friends who weren’t pentecostal. you had to minister to people and/or go on a “mission” (you go to poor countries and brainwash desperate people into believing in God). you were supposed to go to bible camp, retreats, etc. and you were supposed to attend church at least three times a week (mine usually met four times per week, and that’s excluding times we would visit sister churches in other cities)

The group is preoccupied with bringing in new members.

again, they center around brainwashing children, the poor, the weak, the vulnerable in any way, shape, or form

The group is preoccupied with making money.

they excommunicated A FUCKING CHILD for not donating 10% of my income lmao??? literally you had to donate birthday money, christmas money, your paycheck, mortgage/loans, whatever, any kind of income you had, 10% had to go to the church. and btw the church looked like shit but the pastoral family had 10 acres of land and nice, brand new, expensive shit, none of them had jobs outside of the church. i wonder where all the tithes went??? :-)

Members are expected to devote inordinate amounts of time to the group and group-related activities.

i touched on this one a bit ago but yeah basically all of your extracurricular activities were within the church and they discouraged you from participating in extracurricular activities at school or elsewhere

Members are encouraged or required to live and/or socialize only with other group members.

touched on this already

The most loyal members feel there can be no life outside the context of the group. They believe there is no other way to be, and often fear reprisals to themselves or others if they leave (or even consider leaving) the group.

this is extremely true and leaving them was, and still is, soooo fucking hard!!! they literally had me convinced that nobody outside of the church could be kindhearted. nobody outside of the church had the capacity to love. nobody outside of the church was trustworthy. nobody outside of the church wasn’t evil, and all of their thoughts/actions/etc. were tainted by the devil. you would never love or be loved. you would never find happiness. you would never be financially secure. you would never be healed if you were sick. oh, btw, a lot of people didn’t get treatment for their or their childrens’ conditions. like i said, we believed the pastor was a healer!

they also taught that people could have special abilities. one person could see a word over someone else’s head, that was whatever sin they’re struggling with. as mentioned, another person could put their hand on you and heal you, or another person could magically know another language. i remember a speech where a woman talked about how she had an abortion and she could hear the baby scream and stuff, and looking back, i now know that it was a performance based entirely around fearmongering. i remember so many fearmongering sermons, honestly. i used to take notes, so they’re really ingrained in my head, even after all these years

this is so cathartic but at the same time i’m anxious and shaking lmao! like, it’s been years, i know that none of what they taught is true and they can’t hurt me, but i left the cult scarred with PTSD, OCD, and anxiety. the reason i’m talking about all of this for the first time is because my new manager is in the cult. i saw her and just knew. i see people out in public and just know. it fills me with a feeling like i’m going to puke and i get overwhelmed and usually i can just go home, but this time, i can’t bc i’m at work :-) 

it prompted me to read stories from other ex-members of the cult and i was reminded of things like the term “backslider”, which was used to describe people who left the church and “went back to being ~worldly~” or whatever? and that children were conditioned to being afraid of the dark, afraid of being alone, afraid of demonic activity (especially in scary movies, which i still can’t watch to this day because even though i know they’re not actually scary, i was brainwashed into believing they were evil and if you watched them you’d be letting demons into your life and they would corrupt and kill you)

they made it impossible to make friends because all of your friends were in the church, so i and many other ex-members had and/or have a very difficult time developing and perfecting social skills. i was taught that swearing was evil. we were taught to say “oh my word” instead of “oh my god”, or other phrases. i’ve noticed that myself as well as other ex-members swear a ton and used “oh my god”, “jesus fucking christ”, etc. deliberately taking “god’s” name in vain and swearing to excess, as a means of therapy, or maybe defiance, or a combination of both from being so demonized by the church

apparently we all still struggle with flashbacks to the brainwashing songs we heard, learned, and sang. in general, we all seem to experience varying levels of PTSD, OCD, and anxiety as a direct result from the cult, which isn’t uncommon of cults, but it’s only recently that i’ve begun to allow myself to look back on it and recognize that it was a cult, it did this to me, and it’s fueled…many of my beliefs and interests, to put it quietly. i’m still not ready to talk about all of it. this is literally the most i’ve said about it in the last six years. i’ve never discussed it in detail. i’ve rarely allowed myself to think about it in detail. i have never told anyone about it directly– not friends, family, partners, therapists…nobody :-) 

so yeah here’s a lot of baggage unloaded lmao i’m going to try to relax now!!!! this is more than enough for today!!!!!

[jameypants1-blog]

jameypants1 Wow I just lost a post spent last few hours on it got into the two Mary's of Christianity representing same woman and how the Mother aspect of you is what keeps me from degeneracy, from running off to child fuck island with the Clinton's or skiing with Kim. As I wrote it realized it was the best piece I've ever written. Went on to explain that being with you is not suffering Evil, you aren't evil just nonjudgmental and intolerant of me being intolerant, that if I'm to beat this beast out of Love for everyone then I won't do it by hating on even them bc that would be hypocrisy and in violation of free will and that you'd break see me broken again and again long as I tried to cheat out of here and I explained that I'm portrayed as a virgin and that virtuous women my nun army of virgin wives were representative of your jealousy which there was also no trading BJ's with anyone loophole around bc the other aspect of Mother is the world's most notorious whore who washed my feet and I hers and who ever after is my wife until death do us part a junk clause bc we're immortal caretakers of our own souls and anyone with a problem with you and I being together with any complaints about smelling you on me must be as afraid and suspicious of women as wsb or the very Devil who made sure that Religion villified and why few Queens enjoyed the stature of Kings bc of the likes of you, Elite of your own, not against them even work for them sing their songs lobby for them keep their secret even though they murder the world who you let be responsible for themselves extend kindness to but feel no obligation to enlighten since anyone really in need of knowing will, let them do their own homework bc freedom is earned not anyone else's responsibility to bestow upon them, your love of the most vulnerable in this sick society close as you'll ever see fit to protect or embolden anyone and that's not Evil it's pretty fair even it's just not how I'm wired and you're cool with that so long as I don't become bff's with every woman bound to fall in love with me should they know me which is why it may sound like all my friends are guys when it's actually women I respect most all the advice daddy ever gave me is don't get queer and stop playing with yourself, which amounts to don't cheat on your wife mind your Mother so he's a big help I guess and all these karma police antipop jambi lambasting bff's of mine implying I do it all for you not love of neighbor can kiss my ass since when is loving your woman more than anyone else a symptom of diminished character? By God you are my other half what makes a human whole hearted and everyone deserved that straight gay whatever but for me you and you me so how we under arrest karma police serving human best interest or perversly jealous twats? I'm leaning strongly toward twats. That wolfman coming out shit Neil wrote even eggs me on to kill you! And plenty of your friends sure love it if you kill me so wtf is up here? Who is suffering Evil? Me for loving my impartial wife who offends the dear leader by loving me the Judas of the book of Lucifer over her Loyalty to keep their secret or me for suffering them their Savior who took away no one's center but made them immortal delivered them from Evil, shine upon the broken benevolent son, yeah Maynard that's my fucking job and that's what I'm do and when the two become one which you damn we'll know we already are what catastrophe is it to win lose or draw keep the band together no matter what and take however many runs as this Hydra upon the bloodied battered face of the Earth as it takes to win or defy NADA and evac flight away from here, no one but those who choose Evil forsaken. She chose me. I'm not Evil. And no Evil would ever choose me. Women take a beating bc of her loyalty and love, blamed as the reason we Original Sinners knowing Good from Evil got a satellite religion shaped around us organized under Law to that us should we make good on that one more round every last executed one of us swore against them. That she escaped execution offensive? I'm sorry jameypants1 she was clever enough to bewitch her way clear of inverted crucifixion or the Lions den, she should have denied me I guess like all of you and ran for the hills instead of sticking thru the bitter reprisal and snatching away my corpse, her dead body not theirs, and doing what she felt she had to to consecrate us beyond the same mortality she suspected same as you fellas running for you abrubtly cut short Judas lives soon as War on us was waged. Daddy didn't run he was kind enough to fuck the whole lot of us though soon as he realized I really was shutting down their house bc that fucking caveman never wants the good old days to end so he left his head way back there and held us, says he invited me in but I was already his son and your brother but it's always been my wife excluded from the group hug bc of jealousy, Kurt sure have loved to stick around trading BJ's but has a job to do drain me instead bc still smells my wife on me, that's pretty fucking far to go, marry a loathsome whore and get murdered maybe but for sure suicided leave me with Live Through This like I did that to any of you, fuck that I nutted out back there in the desert we all did and she wasn't the cause we were all possessed by hate not her we went after them not her she was just following me bc where else she gonna go when her insane husband and his band of anarchists were certain of their Rebellion to overthrown the royal crown of Satan in a truth telling crusade replete with assault upon temples and a pirate campaign encouraging everyday people to rise up against dear Satan and refuse to participate in his sick economy game. She's the one put up with some bullshit, I sure as fuck wouldn't have followed her into a fight I didn't agree with in the first place and sign on to stick with her forever if I didn't Love her more than even myself. And she signed on and not once has betrayed me. Only helpful advice I e er get is for Mother. And that we are the Monsters of this 2nd act is fucking obscene, the shit she's taken off me and over me is undeserved and my kissing all your asses running around afraid of her is all the proof I need of the severity of appreciation was taken out on me by the honorable public servants who gave me my day in the court of their loyal Patriots opinion. I daresay they knocked me absolutely out of my senses for me to be so tangled up in some bullshit and an embarrassment and human wreck when she showed up for me. Let's all stop pointing fingers at each other now and stop calling my girl Hitler ya freaks she's Pure, we're the intolerant ones. Suffering Fools, and me the King. I'm going to follow her now. I conclude she has the exit strategy to get us all out of this mess simply bc she's as sick as we all are of going through this, so sorry Daddy I know you love this game but we're burning down the house and doing something new so let's all stop being tadpoles and get froggy now take the leap of faith that NADA can't keep us from making into space rock adventures sans this fucked up holy war horsepiss what's driven us insane and bipolar. Stefani you want something Sacred from me you got it baby anything you want you got with me, follow you now, bc big dumb Rocky and friends keep getting knocked the fuck out. Mostly me. Mostly out of jealousy. So it's private time. Unless you and I can't trust each other unless my character is lacking unless they're all right about you and I'm too stupid to play with the big kids who wouldn't even be here without us, not saying anyone owes me anything as ever I do all this for free and out of Love and it doesn't inconvenience anyone more than my woman, the best part of me. So let's begin. Tired of repeating myself and let's have our love and loyalty again and not blame any of each other for what happened in the past which is behind us and not to be repeated like the stupid ugly history the elite creeps keep going here, this party's over, let's go 💡 light it up light it up. https://youtu.be/riAkBFKRqz0 Thank you for that daddy. Still cherish day I got that album, chilling with friend of mine, kid from work at BBQ joint, played lot of dice and drank and smoked listening to mostly his children's punk favs no/fx, blink182, etc bc this was pre computer and I didn't have any music bc CDs turned into beer funding. Anyway when I saw this out had him rush me the record store got it and some sex pistols bc punk lover he was had never heard of them, got home and insisted we listen to this first so he get an idea why metal was so cool since shit on the radio all he'd ever heard and by and large found it boring and stupid, hour after hour of blocks of metallic at work between occasional guns n roses or token play of paranoid give anyone the idea metal was mostly shitty I reckon, anyway when this got to chorus he and I exchanged a look that shocked me bc all a sudden he thought I must wanna fuck him. It was unspoken but palpable and within two minutes we were listening to pistols and fuck yeah that rocks really do hear the influence in all that kiddy punk he was into, would have hooked him up bad religion too but I was next best friend for a minute away from hearing br, maybe later gave whole album one listen before returning it for beer and that day was pretty much the end of that friendship, we hardly ever hung out after that bc you made him think I wanted to fuck him, always wanted to thank you for that, really embarrassing! And bullshit. Don't fuck my friends. They're too busy fucking me. Not that I'm unappreciative. I know you were looking out for me.