#I love when Amy yearns tbh. not enough fics about that

[humble-chaos]

“She and I are of a kind. I want to be loved by you, my Romeo…”

an old perspective thing that i don’t like but im posting anyways cuz. romance and February hehe

[missywhomst]

Tell us the meta about your writing that you really want to ramble to people about (symbolism you’ve included, character or relationship development that you love, hidden references, callbacks or clues for future scenes?)

Ahh! Okay, big surprise, I’m gonna talk about and i call to you. Genuinely I haven’t been this devoted to a multi chapter fic almost...ever? I nearly always abandon them at some point or another. But this story took on a weird life of its own and has now spiraled into something much more complex and more fun than I originally anticipated. I don’t want to give too much away, but I will say that I do drop hints here and there. They’re very subtle (or maybe I just think they’re hints because I know what’s coming lol), like some of the things that characters take notice of but don’t really dwell on will come into play later. Len, for example, is gonna come back soon. And his previously established anxiety is gonna be a pain in the ass for River. 

I’m also pretty excited about the way I’m building up the Doctor’s relationship with River in flashbacks. I include them partly because I love imagining those off camera moments but also because they establish that while the two of them did have a kind of romance for the ages, it was also pretty messy. I put some examples from the first few chapters under the cut. 

“Surprised to see me? He would ask, and River would hold back a smile, swirling her tea with her spoon, eyes sparkling. Always, my love. Now, what fresh hell have you brought to my doorstep today?” <-- The “always, my love” was supposed to be a sad line like River genuinely doesn’t believe the Doctor thinks about her when she’s not around. I’m not sure if that came across, but it was the intention. 

“She was wearing the same frustrated restraint she had for the Doctor when he’d been so young, traipsing through the Byzantium not knowing her, and her saying I hate you, and him having the arrogance to say no you don’t. It made the Doctor sick to think about.” <-- This is from the same chapter (3). Basically, I just want to keep showing that the Doctor is now mature enough to reflect on how she treated River while simultaneously being trapped in the one situation where she can’t actually make it right. 

“River had been flying her beautifully, as always, and he’d broken the silence with a request so bittersweet and selfish that it rang back in his ears like knives when she gave him a sad little smile. One psychopath per TARDIS. He’d hurt her by asking, he knew that, so impulsive and desperate, and River, grieving, had no choice but to say no.” <-- This was also the Doctor being dumb (in canon!!!) and feeling bad about it. Making River into a substitute for Amy and Rory by asking her to travel with him after Manhattan. In some ways it felt a bit dehumanizing. I know there’s the timelines to preserve and everything, but of course the only time the Doctor asks River to be a permanent part of his life is out of grief rather than genuine enthusiasm. I thought about saying that explicitly, but I genuinely think I just forgot to lol. 

“River wasn’t afraid to look anyone in the eye. The Doctor had always found that to be an admirable quality. It had struck him in the moments before her death. The way she cried and stared unblinkingly into his eyes, yearning and achingly sincere, desperate to get him to understand, to see her like she needed him to at that moment. Because even in her last seconds she’d catered to his innocence, his fragility, the childish frustration he felt for her, for his future.” <-- I feel like this one’s self explanatory. The Doctor reflecting on her dumbassery. This one a bit more unintentional though. I mean he had just met her. But I’m sure that after all they’ve been through together, to look back and only now understand how terrible and devastating that moment must have been for River must eat the Doctor up inside. Anyway, I just like that paragraph a lot.

“Oh, don’t look at them. She’d moan, and he’d frown so deep she often told him he’d split his face right in half if he didn’t stop. Your face? He’d ask like the daft old man he was. The wrinkles, you idiot. She almost laughed, brushing him off when he tried to pull her wrist back. River. He’d chastise so gently, with such mournfulness, that she’d turn with the intention of soothing, an automatic and—as much as the Doctor hated to admit—conditioned reaction to his pain. You don’t need to hide from me. The memory made an ache she hadn’t felt in a long time blossom in her chest.” <-- This one just makes me sad tbh. I’m convinced the Doctor got better on Darillium, but he still wasn’t one to really talk about his emotions. Not that I think River needs to air out her trauma with the Doctor (whether it stems from the Doc or from Madam Kovarian). But I would have liked to see the Doctor truly acknowledge all the shit she put River through. And I think in a way that’s what and i call to you has become about. It didn’t start out like that, but now I think it’s become my way of letting the Doctor and River heal from all those centuries of lack of communication and crossed wires. And that’s partly because of spoilers but also because they’re both idiots and need a nice long hug. 

So, if you’ve actually read this far, you must enjoy my crazy ramble of a story, and I love you for it! I’m sorry this was so long, but thanks for sticking with me. :)