#I love writing high school andreil tho

[lolainslackss]

Numbers 2 or 8 feat high school Andriel au bc I cant get enough of my two sons 😫

02. i sit at the rental booth at our local ice rink and watch you teach children how to skate

Neil lines up the three pairs of skates so that the blades clack metallically against the countertop. The tallest kid hands him a note to cover the rental charges and then passes the skates to his friends as Neil counts out his change with shivering fingers.

Abby and Wymack have given him this tiny electric heater that he keeps under the counter but even if he keeps it on for his entire shift, he never manages to thaw. That said, the rental booth isn’t the worst place he’s ever worked. Despite the cold (and the cheery looping of the same holiday songs), it’s easygoing. He enjoys the sounds - the echoey voices and the soft scratching of skates against the rink - and he enjoys the steaming mugs of tea Abby brings him every hour. He likes that Wymack isn’t too strict, which means he can spend his shifts catching up on homework. He also likes the decades-old decorations they excavate from some dark basement room every year; he can remember the crooked, artificial tree and the dimly-glowing rainbow of lights strung around it from when he came ice skating as a kid. Of all the jobs he could have taken at the rink, the rental booth is fine. He would have rather taken on an assistant instructor role, but even though he’s nimble on his feet when he’s on dry land, he’s an accident-prone nightmare on the ice. So that was that ruled out.

“Enjoy,” he murmurs half-heartedly as he hands the kid a stack of loose change. The boy looks at the two girls and they all grin, clearly amused by some private joke or other.

“We always do,” one of the girls says. They’ve already changed into their skates and now their snow boots are wet and drippy on Neil’s counter.

“Mr. Minyard is the best,” the other girl adds.

“So funny,” the boy agrees.

Minyard, Neil thinks, as they totter towards the rink. Surely not that Minyard.

He shrugs and puts their boots away, but he’s still preoccupied by that name. He sits next to a Minyard in school: Andrew. They have calculus together but they’ve never said a word to each other. Andrew sits in stony silence throughout their class, not doing much at all, while Neil furiously scribbles away. He doesn’t seem to do badly, though. In fact, his scores are nearly as good as Neil’s own (Neil takes a peek every now and then, when he’s sure Andrew isn’t looking). He can’t imagine Andrew teaching kids how to skate. From what Neil knows firsthand, and from what he’s heard from other kids at school, Andrew isn’t very friendly or patient. In fact, some of the kids at school are deathly afraid of him.

Neil frowns and tries to focus on his homework, but he’s too distracted. He checks to see if there are any more customers around and hops over the booth counter when he sees there aren’t. The sounds of skates swishing against the ice gets louder as he approaches the rink. He’s not sure what’s really driving his curiosity, but he can’t shake away the need to know. He peers through the plexiglass and sure enough, there he is: Andrew Minyard. Five feet flat and perfectly balanced on the ice. There are around twelve kids congregating around him, laughing hysterically. Andrew, straight-faced, folds his arms across his chest and says something. They all laugh again. Neil tilts his head to the side and watches. Andrew sends away the more confident skaters to practice travelling backwards around the perimeter of the rink and stays in the centre to teach the more wobbly skaters to do figures-of-eight on the ice. He looks calm as he instructs them, gentle in his guidance. It’s a strange image to apply to the disinterested and cold-looking Andrew Minyard he knows from class.

“Wesninski,” Wymack barks, yanking him back to the real world. “You’ve got customers. I don’t pay you to stand around.”

Andrew looks over when he hears Wymack yelling and his and Neil’s eyes meet briefly. Aside from a glimmer of recognition, Andrew doesn’t give anything else away. Neil makes a mental note to ask him about it on Monday, and then jogs back to the rental booth - and the disgruntled customers waiting for him - with a forced and cheery smile plastered on his face.

…

Monday morning. Calculus. Andrew Minyard comes in just before the bell rings and plonks down into his seat without sparing Neil a glance. Their teacher immediately starts droning on, so Neil doesn’t get a chance to talk to Andrew until they’re given their exercises.

“So, how long have you worked at the rink?” Neil asks, tapping his pencil against his notepad.

“Couple of weeks,” Andrew says with a shrug, doodling a fat cat in the margins of his own notebook.

“I work there too,” Neil tells him uselessly.

“I noticed,” Andrew says with a small snort. “You were spying on me.”

“I wasn’t- I just-” Neil returns his mocking look with a glare. Andrew looks so different from when he was helping the kids at the rink. He looks harder at the edges. “I was just curious to see who the new instructor was.”

“Well, now you’ve found out. Hope you’re thrilled.”

“You don’t seem like the type.”

Andrew looks amused. “That’s presumptuous.”

“Yeah, well,” Neil mumbles, shrugging. “Maybe you should put as much effort into your calculus as you do at the rink.”

“You’re very bold this morning.”

“You’re a confusing person,” Neil admits.

“Don’t hurt yourself trying to figure it out,” Andrew says. “I can make it simple for you.”

Neil looks at him questioningly.

“At the rink, I get free blue raspberry slushies. You know, because I work there,” Andrew says, conspiratorially, as if he’s telling Neil a secret. “In calculus, though? Not so much.”

Neil blinks, nonplussed. “You’re messing with me.”

“Who knew you were so easy to mess with.”

“So, what’s the real reason?”

“I like it,” Andrew says plainly. “Is that the answer you were hoping for?”

Neil just shrugs. He feels annoyed. Like the conversation is a game that he’s somehow lost. He flips the page vigorously and somehow ends up gouging a papercut into the side of his finger. A blob of red blood beads, quivers and then spills.

He instinctively blots the cut with a sheet of paper from his notebook before noticing that Andrew is pulling a pack of wet wipes and a beat-up box of band-aids out of his bag.

“It’s just a papercut,” Neil protests.

“Just a papercut,” Andrew parrots darkly. “Even tiny cuts can get infected.”

“Fine,” Neil concedes, placing his hand on the desk in between them.

He watches as Andrew carefully dabs the cut before firmly wrapping the band-aid around it. His touch causes Neil’s heart to trip up in his chest. He brings his free hand to his forehead; he hopes he’s not coming down with something.

After Andrew’s done, he drops Neil’s hand as if it’s a pebble of coal burning hot from a fire. Neil mutters a thank you and the rest of the class passes by without incident or, indeed, another word.

…

Saturday. Very early afternoon. Stark white daylight washes over the town, but it’s ephemeral. Soon, the sky will purple and brood. It’s the busiest time at the ice rink and Neil’s been dealing with a constant queue of customers all day.

Eventually, he’s left alone long enough to sit down and take a look at his English essay. He writes exactly one sentence before the commotion begins. A cluster of kids waddle toward him, teetering on their skates. They look worried.

“Mr. Minyard fell on the ice,” one of them announces.

“His knee just like, started spurting blood everywhere!”

“Don’t exaggerate, Tommy!”

“What? It did!”

Neil swears under his breath and bends down to retrieve the first aid kit. Wymack had made him take a first aid course after he’d been offered the job. He’d said he liked everyone at the rink to know how to take care of someone who took a spill on the ice. Luckily, he has never had to use it. Until now.

Neil follows the kids to the edge of the rink. Andrew is trying to undo his laces, but keeps needing to stop in order to press down on his bleeding knee. His pale fingers are smudged red. When Neil looks across the rink, he sees the splatter of crimson where he must have fallen.

“Maybe you shouldn’t have worn your trendy, ripped jeans to work today,” Neil deadpans, crouching down to take a look at Andrew’s cut.

“Shut up,” Andrew says, shooting him an unimpressed look.

“I will,” Neil says, “but only if you let me take a look at that.”

He nods at Andrew’s hands, which are clasped tightly over his knee. Andrew’s expression doesn’t change, but something in his body language shifts as he slowly undoes his hands and lets them fall to his sides.

“Just there,” he says, pointing to his knee. He leans back against the plexiglass wall and closes his eyes.

Neil nods, not really understanding. He makes sure to clean and dress the wound without touching Andrew anywhere but his knee. It’s a relatively shallow cut so it’s easy enough to patch up, even when there are a bunch of kids watching him work, holding their breath.

When he’s done, Andrew’s eyes flutter open. Some colour has returned to his cheeks. Neil smiles at him encouragingly.

“Go get Andrew a blue raspberry slushie,” Neil instructs one of the kids.

“I’m not in shock,” Andrew grumbles, annoyed.

“Didn’t say you were,” Neil replies. “This is just, I don’t know, my treat.”

“What a treat,” Andrew says sarcastically, getting to his feet. “A freebie from the cafeteria.”

“How’d you fall?” Neil asks, just as Andrew is about to get back on the rink and skate away from him.

“Wasn’t paying attention,” Andrew says, looking annoyed at himself.

“Oh well,” Neil says. “Could have been worse, right?”

Andrew just holds his gaze for a second or two and then glides away.

…

Neil slams his locker and startles when he sees Andrew standing right next to him, sucking the remnants of a slushie, his lips tinted blue.

“What?” Neil asks.

“Nothing,” Andrew replies, tossing the plastic cup in the trash.

“Okay,” Neil replies, confused. “You’re finished too?”

Andrew just nods, sitting down on the bench across from Neil and studying him carefully. His look makes Neil feel twitchy and at the same time makes his insides lurch as if he’s on a rollercoaster.

“Uh, are you heading home then?” Neil goes on.

Andrew shrugs. “You?”

“Kind of have to,” Neil replies, tugging on his parka and switching his fingerless gloves for mittens. “It’s Hanukkah. If I’m not there when the candle’s lit, my mom will kill me.”

“Okay,” Andrew says, considering this. “And what will she do if you sneak out after?”

Neil huffs a laugh out of his nose and shakes his head. “Then she’ll turn me over to my dad to kill me.”

“Is there any situation where you meet up with me tonight and don’t end up dead?”

“I- Well- Why do you want to meet up with me?”

Andrew looks at him as if to say, are you serious? Neil tugs at his scarf, feeling warmth for the first time in weeks.

“You,” he starts, not sure how to finish. “You’re nothing like how they say you are, are you?”

“Who’s that?”

“The kids at school. They think you’re scary.”

But he’s not, Neil thinks, his mind flooding with images of Andrew on the ice, reaching for some little girl’s hand as she’s about to stumble. Of Andrew taking care of his stupid papercut even though he didn’t have to.

“I don’t care what they think,” Andrew says.

“Where will you be?” Neil asks, changing the subject. “Tonight?”

“Around.”

“Your parents won’t mind?”

“Bee is a very lenient guardian.”

Neil doesn’t waste his time trying to untangle his thoughts. He knows what he wants to do.

“I can sneak out,” Neil tells Andrew, slinging his backpack over his shoulder.

“Good,” Andrew says.

They walk down the corridor in silence, eventually passing the empty rink and a suspicious-looking Wymack. Neil waves goodbye to him and then he and Andrew are outside, surrounded by a deeply black night-time that’s being interrupted by the orange glow of the streetlamps. Andrew walks him to his car and then leaves without saying another word, merely tugging on the strap of his backpack and shooting him another one of his looks.

Neil drives home with a grin on his face he can’t get rid of. He can’t wait to see how the rest of the night will turn out.

winter prompts

[mostlymaudlin]

tag game

so many ppl have tagged me in this alas i am terrible at managing my notifications without stressing myself out im so sorry LMAO anyway @palimpsessed tagged me most recently thx pal and also everyone else i appreciate u thank u for thinking abt me 💕

Three ships:

snowbaz (ol reliable, my ride or die, i love you bitch i ain’t never gonna stop loving you bitch)

andreil (shiny new toy consuming my brain and rotting it out)

aaaaaaand then everything else is kinda tied for third unless it vacillates up in a random grip of obsession (steve/bucky, zimbits, *cough* l**** s******** cough)

First ship:

the first ship i lost my mind to online was harry styles n louis tomlinson ok it’s part of me i know people don’t like it i get it but listen it wasn’t weird like it is now when the ship got under my skin. i promise there was a time when everyone was just vibing. im so defensive abt this sorry 😂 in late middle school/early high school tho I was obsessed w maximum ride (max/fang) and then hunger games (everlark) but it was just me n pals in person

Last Movie:

im watching Indiana Jones w @snowybank and @tea-brigade ! I just watched temple of doom for the first time the other night it was terrible but I always enjoy a good movie w pals

Currently reading:

im rereading the foxhole court again lmao

Currently watching:

never rly been a tv person! i guess currently i am watching hockey that’s the only thing i regularly watch

Currently consuming:

this is probably abt food but i don’t care abt that shit i am currently consuming everything andreil that I can get my hands on

Currently craving:

MORE! ANDREIL!!! 🤩

Favorite color:

Burgundy or coral

Last song I listened to:

Sweet, savory, or spicy?

maybe spicy…. or sweet idk. i think the meds im on make me kind of food ambivalent idrk

Working on:

nothing consistently 😂 supposedly i will be doing something for EGF but ive had to reevaluate bc i am just not writing a snowbaz multi chap rn :( might come back to it later but the andreil brain rot is too severe and also my personal life is in shambles so i don’t have that focus LOL. but i have an unholy amount of little wips i have been playing with i will get something done for bazs bday bc I love that slut

can’t remember who has done this yet so I’ll tag the besties @tea-brigade @seducing-a-vampire @urban-sith @snowybank

[onereallygoodlambonastick]

1, 2, 7, 8, 9 and 10 please

finally some good fucking food, thanks anon;

1. What themes would you like to write about that you feel don’t get explored very often?

Generally speaking, I think the in-betweens, the casual time-skips, and the quick intermissions are the things that get glossed over the most. The “missing scenes”, if you will--the hours after a squabble between a team, the morning before the battle, the months where a child sat idle, the dreams that turned into prophecy. 

I also think the theme of re-connection is not often explored--its always “love on first sight” kind of deal, but what about the enduring kind of love, the kind that stays like an ache in your bones? the one you remember and miss? the one you long for like a phantom limb?

2. What are some common elements of stories you are tired of seeing? What would you avoid writing about? 

This varies wildly between fandoms, but probably the thing they all have in common is: mindless smut. Just straight up down and dirty fucking, with no motive or prompting or characterization. Just the author smashing two guys (usually) at the hips and being done with it. 

That’s fine; we all love to see it. It’s just so dull sometimes. 

I need some intricacy, some intimacy, some ache, some angst, some destructive lines and some ruthless gut-punches, you know? Not a guy coming for the fifth time. 

For the AFTG fandom: I’m tired of seeing people being fine with the way Sakavic treated her characters and coddling Neil & Andrew in the face of it. I don’t hate Andreil, I feel like I should say, but so much of it relies on one or the other sticking people with their knives or fists and that’s such a toxic love, a misconception of what a “good” relationship should be. Now, there are some brilliant fics I’ve read that are just gorgeous with the concept of Andreil--that was what I wished Sakavic had the ability to achieve in her series, while giving dignity to Kevin Day and the rest of the characters that were there and LIVED despite the romance. 

So, obviously, I would avoid doing any of the above I just mentioned, and pray that you will too. Just let these ppl breathe, alright?

For the AoT fandom (yeah i dabbled cuz the manga is just. depressing man): same issue---too much fucking, not enough talking and emoting. Why are there so many goddamned high school AUs? My god. I need a fic that gets down and dirty with the shit going down in the manga and take me through it so I can stand to continue. What about the grief and mourning and the betrayal of it all? Can I get me some of that? Lord, don’t go near the Levi/Eren tag. Y’all just don’t even knock it. Go to Levi/Erwin or something. Or just don’t. Don’t.

For the BNHA fandom (lol. a staple): actually, there’s quite a bit of diversity here so I geniunely can’t complain about much. The sheer magnitude of the English-speaking fandom helps on that end, I suppose. I do think there should be more fics looking at the Shit n Grit of Hero’s society tho, Stain-style. The people the heroes couldn’t save or didn’t want to, the forgotten bodies and the cooling hands, the victims that never got closure, the heroes who got maimed and multilated and couldn’t get back on their feet once the limelight left em. Those sorts of things. I think the fact we see thru the rosy-eyed worldviews of a bunch of green-eared kids deludes people to the fact that People Are Fucking Bad and Disgusting almost all the time. So exploring that, I think, is far more worthwhile. 

But I will also take injury aftermath. I’m not a monster.

For the KNY fandom: EYYY we talk about grief and suffering a lot which if you haven’t noticed, is kind of my Jam! Actually, this fandom prob hits a lot of my sweet spots: role reversals, grief/mourning aftermath, SabiGiyuu, Sabito Lives, the usual! Can’t really say much abt this. Except, there’s a lot of Demon Sex and Rape and, uh. Guys? Can we go back for a hot sec?

For the Code Geass fandom (*rubs hands in glee*): SO this is the fandom I’m most active in aside from AFTG at this precise moment. It’s pretty dead, tbh. My favorite two fics in the AO3 archive was published in 2014 and the author hasn’t written for my fav pairing (Suzaku/Lelouch) since. So. There’s that. There’s also a lot of fucking here! And gross cishet dynamics, but, uh, whatever. I think the Emperor Lelouch/Knight of Zero Suzaku has been overused and abused for rough sex and just general Angst-ing it out. I wanna see how their dynamic plays out like that for sure, but what about when they still had secrets between them a mile wide and had to tell each other half-lies and half-truths? How about them coping with the fact of their betrayals and the death of their loved ones at the hands of each other? Where’s the hardcore shit? 

Think this fandom doesn’t want to dig their fingers in too deep. Shame. 

Another thing: CC is not an immortal seductress. My god give her pizza and some fucking DEPTH. She’s a walking encyclopedia, not some mysterious slut machine! Get your stereotypes and fetishes outta here!

Final thing: TALK ABOUT THE SHIT SUZAKU HAS BEEN THROUGH! He’s not just Lelouch’s boytoy or knight! Stop that! Examine his abuse, his time with the military, his span as a pawn! Look at his motivations and his internalized disgust for himself as a Japanese that was ingrained in him by an oppressive fucking system! Why does he bow? Why is he silent? Speak for him!

7. Favorite description in your wip? (If asked more than once, respond with a new piece each time)

Suzaku watched him watch the discoloring, and Suzaku watched the stillness change into the bare bones of animosity. It was almost kind, the way Lelouch turned his face away and shifted his grip to snatch up the antiseptic.

Neither of them spoke as sharp hands dabbed at the slightly split skin and wet bruising. It stung, but only a little. Long minutes passed like this, Lelouch exchanging swabs for cloths, Suzaku sitting still and watching him work.

Neither of them mentioned the scatter of old deadened skin, puckered across Suzaku’s build like a migration of mutilated fish.

8. Favorite dialogue in your wip? (If asked more than once, respond with a new piece each time)

"You know I can't be seen with you two."

"And I just warned you to not be a coward." Lelouch's eyes gleamed. Again, the challenge was there, and like a fool only Lellouch could make of him, Suzaku took it, open-mouthed and open-palmed.

"Fine," Suzaku said, not knowing what he'd promised himself to: a dinner or a duel. Even though the last time Lelouch picked up a sword it was wooden and he was tiny and cute and clumsy. But Lelouch didn’t need blades to cut. "I'll be there. Does Nunnally still enjoy a good scone?"

"Bring the blueberry ones," Lelouch said, extending the comment like a plank between them, and leapt off the wall, into the white sun. "One for the bastardly son and one for the disowned daughter."

Suzaku followed him out into the blaze of heat, feeling the crude perch of his laughter at the base of his throat. He was so fucking dramatic. "Which one of us do you mean?"

9. What scene was the hardest to write for you and why?

From the same wip fic from above--I’m stuck on the “light” kind-of crackish scene where Suzaku is literally just exasperated with Rivalz and his porn mags. Like I just can’t write it. It’s too.....friendly. And “nice”.

10. What scene was the most fun to write for you and why?

Out of the same fic as above: probably the scene from #8. It was fun to see how coy and rough-mouthed Suzaku could get once he’s together with Lelouch. Just to see them fool around with each other whilst keeping secrets but also somehow be honest was very satisfying and interesting to write out. They are just boys, there. Just boys. In love.

[side-effect-of-the-meds]

I have a very specific idea for an Andriel au but I'm too lazy to write it. Instead I'mma just dump it on here and come back to it later.

So.... Fem!Andreil

Neil 'Nathaniel' Josten -> Ania 'Nathania' Josten

Andrew Minyard -> Erin Minyard bc it sounds like Aaron

It's rare for Mary to leave Nathania on her on for long but once when she's about fifteen/sixteen she lets her walk home from school.

Some dudes manage to grab her on the way home. She's held down by three while the other one starts touching her. She's screaming and kicking and fighting but it's useless. She's built small and doesn't actually know how to fight.

Mary is concerned when Nathania doesn't come home so she sets out to find her and finds her baby in the middle of it all.

Needless to say she castrated all four of them and now the only ones they're sleeping with is the fishes

Anyways, her mom refuses to leave her side unless Nathania is at school

The last thing her mom says to her is "-ania" so she takes it as her name.

She moves out to Millport and she's just so dead. Depression hits my bby hard. Exy is the only thing that gives her life meaning.

The captain is a little *ssh*l*

He sees her and he sees how weak she is off the court and how broken she is.

He follows her one day and makes unsuccessful advances on her.

When she rejects him, he takes what he wants.

Ania's flashbacks hit hard and she lets it happen bc dissociation

Hernadez walks in on it one time and is about to get mad for not getting a room but he sees Ania's eyes and knows exactly what's happening.

The captain is kicked off the team and expelled. They can't prosecute bc Ania wont testify.

All of this plus seeing the scars on her when he caught the captain in the act is the reason Hernandez calles Wymack.

Most of the rest of the story is the same but sub in Erin.

Oh, Erin. I'm in love with her

Erin is equally as bad as Andrew but she gets a lot more shit about it bc she's a girl and somehow stereotypes for female sociopaths are worse by a lot. This one isnt even me playing up the drama. It's bad irl

So u know Erin smacks Ania with the racquet. Ania has massive panic attacks bc Wymack and Kevin are very big men and she's on her knees with no escape. Erin picks up on it and makes sure she keeps the men away. She doesn't know Ania but she's heard about the incident with the captain. She'll be damned if she lets anything happen to this girl.

She kicks the men out and faces Ania on her own. She forces herself to think as clearly as she can through the drugged haze and essentially tells Ania that she'll always be no one and nothing, but at least she can be a nothing that plays exy. Erin hates exy but she can tell exy is the only thing this girl wants and this girl is insanely pretty. Erin wants her. She knows she probably can't have her, but she'll make a good toy for the summer. She makes herself promise not to break her too early bc then she wouldn't have anything for the rest of the year. The truth is she's just so smitten by the new girl who just mouthed off to Wymack and, deep down, Erin knows that no amount of drugs is going to stop her from missing that pretty face and dirty mouth.

So she lets Ania sign the contract. They don't get to pull the twin thing because Erin and Aaron are fraternal twins you can't be different genders and be identical but they look exactly the same. Instead, both twins go to pick her up and Erin fakes her high. Ania sees through it because she notices Ania's obvious annoyance at her brother and anger at Nicky for doing something dumb.

Summer goes on the way it does in the book, but drying with Wymack is really hard for Ania. She minimizes her time in his house bc he's big and muscly and covered in tattoos and it just doesn't sit well with her. Wymack tries to make himself small around her and he's never raised a hand at her. He just keeps out of her way.

Ania meets the Foxes and nearly dies when she meets Matt. He'd just so tall. She realizes that he's just a puppy soon enough but her guard is always up around Seth. He's mean and she doesn't like the way he looks at her. Erin only ever intervenes in matters when it's Seth coming at her. She assumed that after a few failed attempts Seth would back off. He doesn't tho so Erin ends up being to teach him a lesson.

Also Erin doesn't drug her. Drugging is something Erin has experienced. Unlike with Matt, she's not going to force Ania to potentially relive this particular trauma. She gets her drunk tho with similar effects

So yeah. Story goes on. Drake happens but he's still a guy.

It causes a lot of problems for Erin in a different way. I feel like Andrew has trouble with his sexuality bc he wonders if his upbringing 'turned' him gay, but Erin wonders the same. Is she gay bc of how men have treated her? She tired to shove those thoughts down but they keep coming back.

She gets sent to therapy. Proust happens.

And then Fem!Riko happens Riko is a female name so I'm keeping it

When Riko threatens Erin, Ania throws hands. She agrees to go to evermore the way Neil does only a much worse fate awaits her

Riko keeps her in the same bedroom as her and will handcuff her to the bed. She uses Ania to get off + cuts her up

Jean knew about the knives but not the rape.

When he finds out, he actually grows a spine and intervenes.

He's punished severely for it, but Riko lets up on Ania.

She comes home only to find out about Proust and she's mad. Ania took all of Riko' s treatment bc she assumed it meant that Erin would be spared the same thing. Instead they were both forced to relive their old trauma and got a new one too.

The "Doesnt mean I wouldn't blow you" scene is a thing but it's 'Doesn't mean I wouldn't eat you out".

They're on the roof during Ania's panic attack.

Erin grabs her face and pulls her close til their foreheads are touching and they sit there staring into each other's eyes. It settles something deep inside Ania and she finally calms down enough to stop crying.

When she does, she asks Erin how she can still have sex after everything

Erin just stares off into the distance bc honestly? She asks herself the same question all the time. She asks Ania if she ever touches herself and Ania says that there are times shes wanted to but she never tried bc she's afraid

Erin explains that if Ania wants to get better, she has to first let herself want. Only then could she ever start to heal.

Ania looks at her like she's crazy but the next time Ania is in the mood she accepts it. She tried for the first time and she focuses incredibly hard on the sound of Erin' s voice bc it keeps all her monsters at bay.

In the short time leading up to Baltimore, Erin teaches Ania to let go of the past and to want things for herself.

Erin preaches a lot of self love to Ania in that time. It always comes off kind of harsh bc it's Erin' s nature, but Ania knows what she means. She understands. Despite how much Erin preaches, she still has a hard time loving/caring about herself. She does all the exercises like standing in front of the mirror and telling herself she's good and taking time off to rest and just self care things, but she's been playing up the monster act for a long time. She doesn't have the outside validation she needs to get herself together. Ania sees this and she starts telling Erin how proud she is of her and how great she is. They aren't just throw away remarks either. Like, she knows not to overdo it, but she starts giving Erin the positive influence she needs.

The rooftop scenes after midnight practice with Kev are still a thing, however, Ania and Erin have also been sharing a room since their return from Easthaven and Evermore. They just do it I'm the roof so no one hears them. Ania always gets sent down first while Erin takes care of herself. She showers before Erin returns, but when she hears the locks click open she always gives Erin a bright smile. Erin just looks at her with empty eyes.

Erin herself is not empty. Ania's been getting to her. Everytime Ania thanks her for something or compliments her it sends a jolt through her body. She always feels a little high for a few hours after Ania's words. She wants to show Ania how much she's worth. She wants to give her everything in the world. Ania doesn't deserve all the things she's faced and it hurts Erin so much to know that she's faced them anyways. Erin is in love with Ania and she knows it. She's not even denying it to herself anymore. But Erin believes that once Ania gets better, she'll move on. She believes that she's just a phase and once Ania's better, she'll finally get to be court and get what she deserves. Erin is absolutely convinced that Ania will marry Kevin and ask her to be the maid of honor. Erin has made up her mind that she'll do it even if it kills her. Of course all of this is just the musings of Erin when she's alone in her car. None of this happens.

Erin really doesn't want Ania to leave her and she's starting to have trouble keeping all the emotion down. The only bits of open affection she shows are when Ania is coming down from her climax. Erin will trace patterns over Ania's ruined skin and press soft kisses to her scars. She's imagined herself telling Ania that she loves her a thousand times, but she can never bring herself to do it. Instead she tries to press every ounce of her love into those kisses and hopes Ania will one day understand.

The other little piece of affection she shows is when she comes back to the dorms at night. Ania is usually sitting on her bed drying her hair. Erin always takes the towel and scrubs Ania's hair for her. She blowdries it and then she carefully does them into a pair of boxer braids. She makes Ania sit in a stool in front of the mirror in their bathroom while she does it because she likes to watch Ania's expression she really likes having her hair played with so braiding works out well for her

Then Baltimore is a thing aamd it goes down exactly as it does in the books

She comes home from it all and sees her Foxes

And then there's Erin. Erin was in pieces after she found out the truth from Kevin. She didn't cry in front of the Foxes but as soon as she'd punched a few walls and kicked a few things, she collapses away from them. Wymack is there for this and for once in her life, Erin lets a man touch her. He pulls her into his arms and she sits there and she sobs hysterically. Wymack had always known what was up. Erin had spent the last year showing up drunk at his house and ranting and raving about Ania to no end. He'd pieced it all together far too quickly for Erin' s comfort but he's always seem through her facade before. Of course he did then too. It takes her a long time to calm down and when she does she shows out of his arms n is pacing the room angrily bc there's nothing else to do now other than wait.

Then there's spring break and it happens the same as the books

The rest of the book is the same honestly, but you see Erin learn to love herself and Ania learn to accept wanting things like sex and cuddles and physical contact in general. They both learn to believe that they deserve love from their new families and that they deserve each other.