#I mean she already beats him up regularly that is sibling behavior

[science-lings]

Hey so you know how in tgaa families tend to have a symbol, like how the Mikitoba’s have the Sakura flower and the Asogi’s have that shield thing that kinda looks like a flower, which is important bc flowers are so important to the aa series as a whole, at least symbolically. They’re usually used to signify family, either with matching crests or name associations, and what I’m really getting at is that there’s a connection in my brain that went from ‘flowers = family’ and ‘there’s a running joke that the Naruhodō’s don’t know anything about flowers.’

Ryunosuke’s little dlc outfit change is important bc it absolutely covers him in the little four pedaled flower that represents Iris and I don’t think that’s just bc she’s the one that made it. Sholmes is covered in them too, that’s just Iris’ way of saying ‘you’re my family now and now everyone who sees you knows this’, she made them the most noticeable thing about his little mouse doll, whose flower ears match the one she made to represent herself.

This just adds to my conviction that there’s something up with Ryūnosuke and Phoenix when it comes to their family. There’s no pride in being a Naruhodo like there is in behind an Asogi or a Mikotoba. Is there no reason to flaunt his family crest or could there be something more going on there?

Also it was so easy for Susato to go by ‘Ryutaro Naruhodo’, and I think it says something about how close they were that she would chose a name so much like his.

[theboywantscoffee]

The Handler is really a fascinating character to me as is her dynamic with Five and how alike they are. Get ready because I’m gonna go on a tangent about them.

I think it goes without saying that in many ways The Handler and Five are very similar people. They’re both pragmatic, goal orientated, cold, and quite simply, both willing to do absolutely anything needed to achieve what they want despite the repercussions others might face at their expense. They both lack a significant level of humanity, something that clearly is a requirement  to be able to do the work they do/did at the Commission. They are constantly at a battle of wits  and attempting to one up the other, both proving to be a formidable foil to the other consistently throughout the show. 

Where things start to contrast between the two is how they grew to be the people they are now. With Five, well, we know why he is the way he is. Five isn’t simply just a product of his childhood. Yes, he still retains a good level of characteristics from his youth into adulthood (arrogant, brash, sees himself as better than everyone else) but Five ultimately was sculpted into the man he is today due to his time subjected to the apocalypse and then shortly after, the Commission. 

The apocalypse did a number on Five. It isolated him for over four decades. It tore layer after layer of humanity away from him until he was left so distanced from other people that segueing into becoming an assassin was like second nature. It forced him to become entirely dependent on himself for survival in every aspect of the word. Physically, of course, he had to take care of all his basic survival needs; food, water, shelter, first aid, etc. Mentally and emotionally? He created a whole ‘nother person in the form of a mannequin to help him retain any semblance of either of those things. It damaged Five so deeply that afterwards he was left almost entirely incapable of empathy (key word, almost), unable to ask others for help/acknowledge he needs help, and able to see assassination as a reasonable means to justify an end. 

Five was left broken by the apocalypse. He is a product of it. And after going through that traumatic ordeal, he was offered a way out but only through accepting employment at the organization that sat by and allowed his suffering to go on for decades. (I’d love to go into the body modifications/DNA manipulation but that isn’t canon compliant for the show anyway (yet) so I won’t). He was transformed into the perfect killing machine. He took the lives of anyone and everyone who stood out of line by the Commission’s standards. Many who I’m sure weren’t actually bad people (ex, Lila’s parents), but because they were deemed irregularities in the timeline (or they were someone who The Handler could benefit from their death, ex Lila’s parents), they had to go. One doesn’t complete a task like that regularly without lacking a level of morality or connection to fellow humankind. 

But The Handler? We don’t really know her back story at all, so perhaps this is going out on a limb here, but I can at the very least say that she did not go through what Five did. There is really no one in the series whose backstory can equate to Five’s. And while I am not entirely excusing Five for being a shitty person sometimes, he and The Handler are very different in the fact that while he was sculpted into one, I think The Handler was just born an awful, monstrous human being. Actually worse than Five. And you know why?

The Handler isn’t even capable of love or empathy or putting anyone else before herself. We don’t see this at all, not even once. The Handler does things strictly for the benefit of herself and no one else. Even when her own self proclaimed daughter asks her if she ever loved her, The Handler doesn’t answer and then proceeds to murder her. Que sera, sera. (Whatever will be, will be). No remorse. No regret. Nothing.

Five, for all of his faults and flaws and uh, murder, still remains more connected to humanity than The Handler. Despite everything he has experienced, everything he has lost, he still has an inkling of heart that’s still beating for others left in him. Because Five still does love and care for people - his entire life purpose is to keep those people, his family, safe and alive, even at the expense of his own happiness and life. Five puts his family before himself every episode, every damn step of the way. He survives 40+ years alone and then works as an assassin for an unspoken measurement of time, all to save his family. 

The Handler throws up the front of being a people person and charming. And she does it really damn well. But in reality she is not morally gray. She doesn’t do some good things and some awful things. She is just all around horrible. She employs Five, again, to work for the organization that tore so much away from him. She dangles the idea of a new body before him, gives him a suit with the claim, “clothing make the man, Five,” as if he isn’t something to be taken seriously in his current physical state, as if he still isn’t the man who survived a lifetime in the end of the world and becoming an assassin. She claims that Five owes her because she ‘saved him from a lifetime of being alone’, which in actuality she watched and allowed him to suffer exactly just that. (I have another meta on here about that scene in particular, which you can read HERE). She tricks Five into murdering the board so she can assume power, all under the guise of claiming to help him get his family back to 2019, only to then use him as a scapegoat in their assassination. She literally kills him (almost) and all of his siblings. She writes the kill order on Lila’s parents, lets Five kill them, and then kidnaps Lila all for her own benefit. She continuously lies to her, ultimately betrays her, and kills her too. She sees zero wrongness in kidnapping a disabled boy from his mother so she can transform him into her weapon just like she did Lila. There isn’t a single instance in the entirety of the show where The Handler shows even an ounce of regret, only shock and anger when things don’t go her way. She is power hungry, merciless, and quite possibly even deranged with how unemotive she is towards other human beings.

And one more thing I want to touch on with The Handler that is a bit of a controversial topic in the show - her handsey-ness with Five. Her unnecessary touching and closeness. I am a firm non believer of the idea many have that her and Five used to be involved romantically or physically in any way. I think it’s quite a reach to imagine Five trusting her whatsoever at any point during their time knowing one another. Five is observant as hell and smart - I just can’t see him ever having an ounce of trust in her, especially with again, how she blatantly admits to him when they first meet that the Commission has been watching him for some time. So no, I don’t think her creepy touches with him have anything to do with a former fling (even if Kate or Aidan play into it that way or claim they might have in the past - sorry, headcanon not accepted lol). 

I view her behavior as demeaning. I see it as her being condescending towards him, like, “Oh, see how you betrayed me and now look at how you fucked up. Small and weak and nothing to be taken seriously.” She treats him like the tiny child he has physically become and she does it to make him feel inferior and like he has no control of the situation he is in or his life. It’s a slap in the face, a reminder of what he has done to himself because he left the Commission, and she does it because she knows how much it bothers him to be perceived that way. Everything she does and says around Five, she does to make him feel small. 

All in all, I really do love The Handler. Do I love that she played a larger role in season 2 than Carmichael? Absolutely not. I don’t love what her character did for the writing or the plot of the show and how it backburnered a lot of things. I think they missed out greatly on a character who was already a fascinating antagonist to Five (Carmichael). However, Kate Walsh is an absolute delight to watch on screen. Her and Aidan have great chemistry and play off one another very well and their scenes are certainly some of my most favorite to watch. I think The Handler is an amazing villain and keeping her as a female as opposed to a male Jon Hamm esque actor as they originally were intending to do was a great idea IMO. I love a female bad ass, even if she is a villain. I’m sad we won’t see more of her purely because she is so fun to watch (and her wardrobe is utter goals) but I’m definitely ready to move on to the next set of antagonists for our favorite dysfunctional family.

[pastel-vampires]

The Vampire Muses. Keep in mind reading the wiki was the best source of information I could get for a majority of these characters since I can’t get my hands on the games.

Ayato Sakamaki:

Age: 16

The attention whore seeker

Likes: Takoyaki and pranking people.

Hates: Water. Ghosts/Ghost stories.

In his childhood, his mother would strictly force him into studying so he could succeed as the heir to the Sakamaki line. Often threatening him or giving him deathly punishments when he didn’t meet her expectations. This would lead to his slight fear of water, as one of the punishments involved her shoving him in a lake to drown until she decided that he should have learned something from it.

The only triplet who is left handed. Would rather play sports like basketball than sit down and study. Consumes an abundant amount of Takoyaki. His hobbies involve Basketball, glorifying himself as ‘Yours Truly’, and collecting Medieval torture chamber items as decorations for his room. (the deadly parts of them removed for when he decides to sleep in them.)

Fear him on April 1st, for he WILL find a way in pranking someone. Anyone. Once he finds a way to prank someone, he WILL take the opportunity.

Other notes: He insists on referring to himself as “Yours Truly”/Ore-sama (in Japanese it basically translates to a masculine word for ‘me/I’ with the honorific meaning ‘master’)

Total rebel. Also a bit of a tsundere but not as much as Subaru. Like the rest of his siblings, he has a hard time opening up to people. He’s closest sibling is Laito. But he also has a protective nature over Kanato. 

Headcanons: Possibly a Pansexual. Will trick/prank all of his siblings at least once per year. 

Romances: He’ll want your full attention and admiration. He’ll want your praise and approval. He’s been made to believe that he had to be the best or he was better off cast aside and dead in a lake somewhere. He fears rejection.

Kanato Sakamaki:

Age: 16 (believe it or not)

The tantrum brat/ “hysteric”

Likes: Teddy and Sweets. (And Attention)

Hates: Bitter and Spicy things. When people hold Teddy without his permission. When people do ANYTHING without his permission.

Since childhood, he has spent most of his time all by himself with only Teddy to confide in as his only trusted ally. His mother would only give him attention when telling him to sing for her, finding his voice to “warm her up” (she really messed him up by having him sing while she had her affairs. How can a kids singing arouse her? What the heck was wrong with her? What the hay? Why did she force him to do that until his vocal cords bled? How the fudge sundae?)

Other: he’s a mix of a tsundere AND a yandere, quite a deadly combination.

Headcanon: he is asexual but because of how he was raised, thinks that one HAS to enter sex at some point. Witnessing a lot of his mothers sexual affairs led him to believing that he had to give them pleasure. One of the efforts involved combing their hair. Her mothers influence has led him to believe that all women are selfish and always desires sex. If they don’t, then he sees them as prudes or just shy. He’s been left alone for so long that he was left to the mercy of his already messed up thoughts. He has a certain belief of how his little world should be and hates it when the things around him never fit in that world. 

Romances: He bites and punishes hard, but his kisses are always gentle. No matter if he’s angry or not. Never will he bite someone on the lips. Since he was left alone to play with his dolls more than his brothers, he enjoys comparing those he is fond of as dolls rather than people. 

Laito Sakamaki:

Age: 16 (believe it or not he is NOT a clone of Ayato or a slightly grown up version of him)

The manwhore

Likes: fancy things. Macarons. Crossword Puzzles

Hates: bugs and creepy crawlies. (I’m going to have TOO much fun with this)

*breathes* the insufferable “pervert’, as everyone ‘knows’ him as. He often seduces women and ‘gives them pleasure’ in his own sadistic ways. As this was the only way he could express ‘love’. (seriously their mother messed all of them up. I don’t know exactly how old he was when she started going after him for an incestuous ‘love affair’. It’s gross. And he didn’t like it. But because he was the most neglected of the trio in his childhood, this was the only form of attention she ever gave to him, and he was made to believe that this was ‘good’. It’s a really messed up situation.) He’s the most social and cheerful of the Sakamakis. 

Headcanons: He knows how to speak French, being known as the ‘romantic language’, he took an interest in it in an attempt to be more flirtatious. But during this journey into learning the French language, he discovered Macarons. Which became a genuine favorite of his. He believes that his pervert facade is real and will get offended if someone states it otherwise.

He’s bisexual, but due to the environment around him (andespeciallyhowhismothermessedhimup) was made to believe that people can only be attracted to the opposite sex

Romances: He’s a giver more than a receiver, but he likes being in control of what goes on. All he knows is sex, he doesn’t understand what love is other than that. (their mother truly messed them up. But he’ll put up a mask and think there’s nothing wrong. Even though he still doesn’t know why there are times where he doesn’t ALWAYS like having sex.)

 Subaru Sakamaki:

Age: 16

The Tsundere badboy.

Likes: bread.

Hates: social interactions. Roses (specifically white ones. This came as a surprise since he’s always in the rose garden.)

Due to a… LOT of emotions bottling up since he was a kid, he has a tendency in lashing out and punching inanimate objects in order to process his festering anger.

He’s the only one who had even a small- or even a semblance- of a healthy bond with his mother, but she became mentally unstable and had to be locked up in a tower (Rapunzel?) there would be times where she would have ‘episodes’ and only he was able to handle them. This warped his gentle nature into a more protective self, and as time went on, into a festering wrath. This only worsened after she pleaded for him to kill her. Hence the knife that he is often seen holding. One that is able to kill vampires.

He gets irritated easily. He doesn’t have any hobbies. He spends most of his time either looking at the rose garden or hermit it up in his coffin (he sometimes adds things to make it feel more comfortable.) He’d much rather stay in a coffin than attend anything. 

Notes: his mother used to sing him to sleep when he was a child. (absolutely adorable) He was the only vampire to give Yui a chance of escaping, even giving her his silver knife to defend herself. Maybe even kill him if needed. 

Headcanons: He doesn’t have taste. He likes bread okay because of the texture, but his tongue can’t even recognize sour things. This might be caused by his mother having poisoned him at some point and had a lasting effect? But highly unlikely because of vampire regeneration properties.

Yet another left handed boi.

 Kou Mukami

Age:17

The Two-Faced model

Likes: cats. Dancing.

Hates: pain.

This pretty boy has had... quite an unfortunate life. Thanks to the horrible events that took place in his childhood, Kou views the world as a ‘give and take’ view. And it will be quite a while before anyone can change that world view. Because of this, he will often portray a friendly, cheerful, and complimentary personality. But he will always expect something in return for his behavior and ‘gifts’. If he gives a bouquets of roses, he expects something to make up for it in return. 

He has a job as a model and is often surrounded by girls at the night school he attends regularly. Which he doesn’t particularly care for. (He is literally the only one in the family with a job.)

Major Trigger warning here: He was raped as a child. Don’t tell me he wasn’t, what the crap did those people DO to him? They hurt him even when he gouged out his own eye in a desperate attempt to make himself flawed so they would leave him alone. But that didn’t work and somehow they saw that as making him more desirable? He has nightmares often because of this and will cling to whatever is around him in an attempt to hide from the horror of reaching hands. He often clings tot he things around him every night because of these reoccurring night terrors. He was given a glass eye that allows him to see people’s true intentions.

Headcanons: He has an immaculate hunger and can- and WILL- eat more than his fair share if those around him aren’t careful. Guard your food while he’s around!

Notes: another left handed boy.

 Azusa Mukami:

Age: 17

The ONLY option for a Masochistic boy.

Likes: collecting knives is his hobby

Dislikes: neglect and being hated.

As a child, he wandered the street with no real purpose. Thanks to a group of children who thrived in beating him, he believed that his only self worth was to be used for pain. Hence he has grown a fascination of it. Whether it is to give or receive pain, Azusa is there for it. He’s slow in movement as well as talking. Often seen spacing out. But is probably the only sweet-heart of a vampire in the entire show. If a little pushy at times. 

He names his limbs after the children who had injured them enough to leave scars, since they were killed and he was left without a purpose once again. This was before he was sent to a orphanage and met Ruki, Yuma, and Kou who became his family.

Notes: his hobby is collecting knives. (Yet another left handed boy.) He is ‘weak against heat’ (I imagine he melts into sleep like a cat when finding this out) he is able to fall asleep standing up. (that’s pretty impressive)

Headcanons:  He’s a very respectable boy and often speaks mostly in respect. Albeit a little pushy at times. His brothers often worry about him and have to make sure that he eats enough at their breakfast, Lunch, and dinner, since he doesn’t do a good job in taking care of himself.

[thelastranger]

Keeping Up With The O'Carricks

A family reunion au where Caitlyn doesn't die, Halt regularly visits, Ferris is exactly the same, and everyone is horrified at the O'Carrick drama. Sean included. It's a mix of trashy reality shows and the office.

Halt gives Sean a complete tour of the castle. No one has heard Halt speak this much at one time ever. "Here's where Ferris tried to kill me, here's where I beat him up.." It takes a full day to give Sean the complete tour. Ferris tries to shoot an arrow at Halt during the tour from the roof and Halt is more offended at Ferris' bad archery skills than he is at the attack of his person. Halt promptly tracks down Ferris and beats him up. He gets up and dusts off his cloak. "And here's where my brother tried to shot me with an arrow. And here's where I beat him up for the 500th time..." "I know Uncle Halt. I was right there."

Everytime Ferris opens his mouth to speak or says anything, Caitlyn will look into the camera like Jim from the Office.

Everyone loves Caitlyn because she is super chill most of the time and super willing to give away royal secrets but also seems competent. At the same time, Caitlyn will tell people off (and by people she means Ferris) and is frequently found hanging off a castle turret with Halt. This just makes everyone love her even more.

There's a rotation of who gets to choose the dinner courses and Ferris always tries to get the staff to make shrimp just to bug Halt but Caitlyn bribed them with more vacation days

Halt regularly pretends to be Ferris when he's confronting con men, enemies of the state, and stuffy nobles. He drops em into the moat and leaves Ferris to deal with the aftermath.

One time Ferris tried to pretend to be Halt but he fooled nobody. He got bucked off of Abelard immediately.

Will and Horace come along too and pretend to be Halt's sons just so they can keep telling Ferris that he's been demoted down the line for the throne. They like to see which color Ferris' face will turn with rage and annoyance.

Family meals are... interesting. Horace and Sean are next to each other, earnestly talking about life in the castle and making genuine attempts to get to know each other. Caitlyn is telling Will stories about baby Halt and suddenly Caitlyn is Will's favorite person. Halt and Ferris are on opposite ends of the table and tend to glower at each other through meals. One time a spoonful of peas was discreetly thrown at Ferris who assumes that Halt threw it and throws a pie back at him. A food fight erupts. Ferris thinks it was Halt. Halt thinks it was Caitlyn. Caitlyn and Horace think it was Will, Will thinks Horace did it and no one suspects Sean, who actually flung the peas.

The only time they all relatively get along is when Pauline visits. Halt is on his best behavior, Ferris has to act kingly since Pauline is a diplomat of Araluen, the head one in fact, and could easily make life difficult for him. Pauline and Caitlyn get along famously. They get a little tipsy and swap stories about court life, Halt, and literally anything else they can think of.

Ferris, by the river: Oh my gosh, I'm gonna cry! My braided leather crown!

Caitlyn and Halt, in unision: Ferris, there's people that are dying.

Halt: I start laughing at Ferris when he's crying 'cause I just can't help it. He has this ugly crying face that he makes.

[Cuts to Ferris ugly sobbing curled up on the ground]

There's a supercut of Caitlyn's beleaguered and confused husband looking bewildered any time the O'Carrick siblings do anything together.

One episode there's a segment where Ferris has to sneak out of the castle to meet Tennyson to make shady deals. Ferris is trying to be silent but he keeps tripping over his cloak (it's a horrendous shade of bright purple) his feet and literally everything else. When he gets to Tennyson, he sees that Halt and Sean have already snuck out and are pretending to be him.

Halt will do something and then Ferris will roast him, but Ferris will do the same thing one second later and Halt roasts him even harder

Caitlyn is married but no one else ever sees her husband. They'll catch glimpses of him in the corner of their eyes but Ferris has never talked to the man. Halt has made it one of his goals to track down Caitlyn's husband in the castle.

Crowley visits once and Hibernians love him. Crowley also takes a drink every time Ferris does something dumb so Crowley is pretty sloshed pretty much all of his visit. Halt joins in and they start singing drinking songs together. Will plays his mandola.

Will and Horace are officially added to the O'Carrick family tree and they love it. The O'Carrick tree just keeps getting bigger and bigger and Ferris keeps getting more and more dismayed.

Ferris leaks his self care routine and people actually like it? Like, sure this guy is the worst and incompetent, but he's got a great skin care routine and looks (relatively) good for his age. Halt is considered the more attractive twin by the Hibernian public though.

There's a super cut of Caitlyn aggressively mothering Sean before he goes into diplomatic meetings. It's so pure and sweet.

Will and Horace replace Ferris' black hair dye with a blue dye and he has to go around with blue hair for a week. They never let him live it down.

[onisionhurtspeople]

I can't watch this and hold on to this information any longer. I won't give out much information of myself other than that my name is Michael, I went to high school with this guy, and a good friend of mine is someone he cheated on his ex wife with. I also run my own independent technology based business. Greg is a total loser and actually cheated on his ex wife with a friend of mine before him and his ex wife were ever even married. He was doing it for a while too until my friend found out he was taken and told Skye. She dumped his ass and he ended up losing his mind because he got caught and cried like a little bitch and called her every day for two solid weeks to get her back. Let me say that again, SHE dumped him. He'd been caught in school a whole lot of times by other girls doing the exact same thing to them and it was always the girls that dumped him as it was always other girls that ratted him out. I had always wondered what ever had become of this guy since I left Washington and moved on from school. Apparently some people never change. He's been this way for years. There was a running joke among pretty much everyone in school that he was going to be put down in the year book as "most likely to commit a school shooting". He wore a combo of a trench coat, beanie, and tripp pants…every day. In fact if I remember correctly it seemed like he'd been wearing the same clothes for a couple weeks a time before ever washing them. He'd rarely ever talk to anyone and the few times he did he would always talk down to a person. At first we thought he didn't realize he was doing it, but after weeks and weeks of it being a regular occurrence we (pretty much the entire school) started getting the idea that he just hated people. I mean, he had friends, but he'd still treat them like shit. Every since I can remember he's always thought of himself as better or above everyone else. He'd start arguments with teachers because he thought he actually knew more than they did, when he was obviously proven wrong he would completely deny it and act like a pouting child. There was one time, and I remember this because it was just before summer break, where his mother who looked completely cracked out actually came to school and argued with the teacher about how perfect her son was and how he never could do any wrong. He had gotten in trouble again for being caught cheating on yet another girl and her father was doing what any reasonable man would, he was threatening to beat the crap of Greg. I had to drop off some late homework so I went directly to my teachers office to do this and over heard the entire thing. It was the hilarious and embarrassing thing I'd ever been privy to eavesdrop on in my entire life. His mother literally started chanting some wiccan stuff or new age stuff, I'm not even sure what it was, he has his head down, his face is turning red as a beet, and his fists are balled up, while this girls father whole looks like a 250+ lbs Marine is berating him for trying to score with his daughter who he lied to. All the while our schools principal is just sitting there with the most confused expression because he had zero idea what to do. It was surreal, it was as if Jerry Springer had visited our school. To this very day I can't even properly explain what I had witnessed. After that he really just went downhill and never recovered. He was an asshole to just about every single person he met, and started bragging about how we'd all be "thanking him and congratulating him" one day because he wanted to enlist into the military and go over to Iraq. Everyone started to really distance themselves from him at that point. I remember that he started bragging about going into the Navy or Air Force, but at that point I was just too focused on finals and getting into college to even care anymore. One more thing I do remember vividly is how often he'd pick fights he couldn't win after that. He was already known for running his mouth to people about things he wasn't even remotely knowledgeable on, but after the previous incident, he'd start actively provoking people. I can see why he gets so much hate here, Greg's still doing the same thing, even now. He ended up pissing off a few metalheads in our school, if I recall correctly he said something about one of them having a sibling that passed away and them not truly caring about it or something…and well, they just pummeled him into a pulp. Three on one basically. Once again, mom was quick to bail him out of any responsibility for getting exactly what he'd asked for. This didn't happen behind the school or after school hours, mind you. This happened in front of almost everyone. In general, we'd hear about this going on once every couple of weeks. After a while we just stopped hearing about him anymore, my best guess is that is when he secluded himself online and started doing this video sort of stuff. I've seen the video about him creating an online cult like religion, I'm just making a guess here but it seems his problems just intensified with time. I only partially knew Skye through a couple of other people. She was a very nice, but quiet person. She did some cool graphic design stuff. I even thought of asking her out a couple times but then Greg came along and we didn't see or hear much from her after that. That never sat well with me. Other people have said this past and I can confirm, that Greg always wanted to be with her sister more. In the last few days I've taken the time to watch a few of the videos that caused the most stir and its funny to me how much he now seems to whine about "slutty" girls because back then those were always the type he'd go after. It was either girls that were more sexually free spirited, or girls who were very quiet, obviously virgins, and had some types of issues at home or depression. There never seemed to be any middle ground. It was either one or the other and his ideal type seemed to be an impossible mix of both. As I said before, I've watched enough to catch up about this guy; all of the Shiloh stuff, when he decided to divorce Skye for her, all of that up until now. I have to tell, this guy absolutely terrifies me now. He was always off balanced but I figured that with time he'd find his niche in life and things would be relatively alright. That couldn't be farther from the truth. He has never gone anywhere in life since high school. I started my own business, own my house, have a couple of kids and a loving wife and we travel all of the place regularly. He just continues to act like a spastic teenager and he is one year younger than me and can only make money through Google AdSense or heavily taxed partner revenues. He literally displays the same behavior as an online and offline predator now. He has never once changed the way he treats women, or who gives that treatment to, he has just allowed it all to become horribly worse. I think he must also be in horrendous amounts of debt as well. I've seen the way he tries to live and I can tell you that he cannot possibly afford all of that. Greg was always terrible with money. For example, a five dollar pair of sunglasses he'd pay for with a twenty so he didn't have to count the change. He was always broke and apparently so was everyone else in his household. I watched a video just recently where he said he'd paid $6000 to a contractor for his yard who took all his money and never did anyway, and all he did was make a video on it. Obviously not even that has changed. And now he has a child? That's the worst part. The last thing I'll leave you all with is a segment about his inability to care for, and somewhat hatred of children. Around the time this guy started coming around more I remembered him talking about working for a daycare. Another friend of mine also worked at this daycare, which I won't name because frankly I've followed the Chris-Chan saga and I don't think the place would appreciate a ween-overload. She told me that he was close to being fired (and eventually did get fired) because he had applied for a job he no idea how to do. He couldn't even do the most basic things for these kids (mostly toddlers) and whenever they started to get upset he'd be rude and mean to them. Finally when they shitcanned him he apparently lost it, with children there, and stormed out saying like "fuck these stupid kids anyway" or something to that effect. He'd offhandedly made jokes about how he'd just leave a girl who he was with if she got pregnant even if the kid was his because he didn't want children at all. Obviously no one thought it was funny. Watching the Shiloh thing unfold it was just one huge reminder of that. Apparently he caused her to miscarry as well, twice. I don't keep up with many of these people from high school much anymore until something crazy as shit happens for this guy. I'll just say there's the possibility he's got a kid out there he won't ever see or acknowledge and neither his current wife, nor the current movement against knew about it until now. He fucked over his ex-wife that badly. He was forced to pay alimony instead of child support because they didn't even want to chance him seeing the child so they just took it away from him and he was completely fine with it from what I've been told. I was told that he did this video to chase her off YouTube because she was close to spilling the truth about it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R1z_96Q4wVg[Archived Copy] This video was uploaded the day before he was fully served a restraining order (pic related check the date): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6uyvlmpog1c He'd been calling his ex wife non stop being a creep to the utmost maximum. From what I've been told it made his voicemails to AJ sound like someone handling a break up well by comparison. He'd been crapping pants over going to court for it apparently because not only would he have no contact with her, he had to fork over $1500 that day. The video I've linked here is way creepier now that it has some real context. Anyway, that's all I've got for now. Busy day ahead, if people have questions, I'll be back on later. Enjoy, because as obsessive as he is, he's bound to read all of this so things will get pretty interesting over the next few hours if he indeed sees this.

A comment posted on lolcow by one of Greg’s ex-classmates who attended high school with him. Somewhat old, but I just found it for the first time, so I thought it was interesting enough to repost. 

You can read all relevant information about this post here:

http://www.lifeofonion.com/index.php?title=HS_Anon_Account

[anna-2807]

Want to know the correlation?

I hate cancer because it kills by ravaging the body and leaves families without dads, mothers and siblings.

It is difficult to treat, and it sometimes goes undetected until it is too late.

Shame is emotional cancer, and I hate it just as much, if not more than cancer.

I hate it because it ravages the soul and steals lives as quickly or as slowly as cancer.

I hate shame more because no one wants to talk about it, so it goes undetected for months, or years, or forever.

It robs lives when it whispers lies into our minds that we are defective and broken. And because of that, we are somehow less-than.

But unlike cancer, shame is…well…shameful.

Unlike cancer patients, no one gathers around the infected and brings food and comfort. If everyone knew that shame can be just as deadly, perhaps we would all be more watchful and compassionate.

But shame can ravage more than a person’s soul.

Shame will sabotage relationships–especially romantic relationships

Shame causes us to fight our way out of responsibility.

We have to deflect and deny accountability because it hurts too bad.

We can’t just admit when we have done wrong, because our shame takes us to dark places we are afraid we will never escape.

So we minimize our bad behavior.

Shame also filters everything that comes at us through a lens of contempt.

Our spouse may want to simply point out an area where we need to improve, but instead, we feel attacked.

We can’t hold ourselves in warm regard, so we force others to mirror back to us that we are good enough. If they fail to do that, we get angry or lose interest in them.

The best I way I know to illustrate shame is with client’s stories.

(Names and specific details are changed to protect privacy.)

Brian isolates himself because he feels undeserving of love

Jennifer is married to Brian. They have two kids, and everyone loves each other in this family. But Brian is moody and this causes problems. He is often irritable with the kids and snaps at them for no good reason. He spends a lot of time in the bedroom alone watching TV when the family is together. He says he is just an introvert, and that there is nothing wrong, but his family misses him and wants to spend time with everyone together.

When they can coax Brian out of his shell, he can be playful or he can be mean. No one ever knows which Brian they will see. Brian is so closed off. He won’t discuss what he’s thinking or worrying about. His family just feels more and more distant and no one knows what to do.

Shame is a toxic part of this family. What his wife and children don’t see is that Brian has a lot of shame. He doesn’t think he deserves his family and he believes they will all be much better off without him. He isn’t suicidal, he just doesn’t want to be around others when he is feeling the toxic effects of shame so acutely.

Even though Brian is the one feeling the shame, it affects his entire family. His kids don’t know his withdrawal is about Bryan’s issues. Like all kids, they assume it is because he doesn’t love them. Bryan’s wife believes he doesn’t love her enough either. Now Bryan’s shame transfers to all of them as a carried feeling. It is one way shame passes down from one generation to the next.

Bill tries to drink his shame away

Serena is married to Bill. Bill has three to four drinks every evening but refuses to consider he has a drinking problem–he just needs the alcohol to unwind. Sometimes Bill does get excessively drunk, and when he does he embarrasses everyone in the family

At his worst, he will call someone stupid or shout humiliating things, but this doesn’t happen often enough to concern him. He gets angry when his wife insists he stop drinking. That’s because Bill is using the alcohol to self-medicate.

Bill is very defensive. When his family points out his drinking is embarrassing to them, he gets angry. He insists they are all too sensitive. When I meet with Bill alone, I see the shame that he bears. His wisest self knows he is failing his family but he avoids taking responsibility because he already thinks he is a terrible person. He hides from the truth and keeps drinking to shut out the voices in his head that tell him he isn’t good enough or smart enough. He just wants everyone to leave him alone, so he uses anger to keep them away.

When I confronted Bill on his behavior, he was angry with me. He threatened to walk out and never come back. I told him he could absolutely do that, but I felt sure he was about to lose his wife and kids. I also told him that I knew he could look at himself and see what his family needed him to see: that he was hurting them and he could do better.

Bill sobbed on my couch and all the shame and humiliation he felt came pouring out of him. Bill was told he was worthless his entire life. He didn’t want to live this way any longer. Before he could make any real improvement he needed to go through our Breaking Free workshop. This workshop was the beginning of a new life for Bill.

Sandra had an affair because of shame

Mark is married to Sandra. Sandra is a stay-at-home with three small kids, while Mark is a successful professional who works long hours. Sandra loves her kids but she gets bored staying home all day. She has a college degree in philosophy but doesn’t think that will help her get a job. She doesn’t know what fuels her passion or purpose in life and she feels lost and alone.

Mark is always working and when he is home, she feels he is critical of her and how she spends her time. She admits she doesn’t do a very good job of cleaning and cooking but she just can’t motivate herself to care. She thinks Mark is brilliant but believes she has never lived up to her potential. Mark’s mother doesn’t like her either. Sandra reports that her mother-in-law is very critical and thinks Sandra takes advantage of her son, Mark.

When I met Sandra alone, I discovered that she has an inner critic that echoes the messages she got growing up. She is simply not enough. Not smart enough. Not pretty enough. Not fit enough. Not perfect enough.

Sandra went on a weekend trip with her girlfriends and met a man in a bar. This man paid her attention and made her feel special. For the first time in her life, she experienced the thrill of infatuation. She fell into a sexual and an emotional affair that lasted several months. But the guilt started to destroy her. She began fantasizing about driving off a bridge and ending it all. Her husband found out about the affair and her life fell apart.

Mark wants to work on the marriage, but Sandra is having a difficult time forgiving herself. She has shame attacks regularly. Until Sandra deals with the root of her insecurities and feelings of worthlessness, she will flounder around feeling lost and disconnected.

These are three different couples to help you see how shame can show up differently in relationships. Shame can manifest itself in isolation, anger, or self destructive behaviors. It keeps you a prisoner to lies that restrict your happiness and joy.

When shame is at its worst, I see clients who are unable to function in their daily lives.

Examples of how shame can manifest itself at the lowest point:

It causes depression even to the point of being suicidal.

Drinking to numb the pain – longing for relief from the misery of feeling unloved and unlovable

Binge eating or shopping excessively.

Viewing porn to numb the pain.

Engaging in extreme risk taking behavior to keep the adrenaline flowing

Using prescription or illegal drugs

Self-mutilating behavior like cutting or hitting hard objects with bare hands. Feeling physical pain often lessens the intense emotional pain shame causes.

How Do Shame Attacks Work?

Everyone makes up stories. When someone says something or shows us behavior, we assign meaning to what we see and hear. If we have a shame core, the meaning we assign is often negative and critical.

For example, if I hear my husband slam a door I have options in how I filter that event. One is to think he simply wasn’t paying attention and used too much force in shutting the door. I might check in with him to see if he is ok. I could also assume he was mad at me. Then I could think of some reason he may be mad and start to get angry at him. If I am someone who has a lot of shame, I would have a distorted filter so I would tend to take offense easily. Now we are off the races. All because I made up a story about a slammed door.

This is how shame frequently trips us up in our relationships causing us to imagine harm that is never intended.

Shame also enables us to get in relationships with people who aren’t good for us because it is someone who is more broken than we are and it is all we feel we deserve.

Or, shame keeps us stuck in a bad situation because we don’t have enough esteem to demand something better.

So we live with the bully, the addict, the serial cheater, the abuser.

Shame comes from childhood trauma

If you struggle with shame, somewhere in your childhood you were told or treated like you were not precious and valuable, like you didn’t matter.

Some of my clients who have shame battles are quick to tell me they did not have abusive childhoods.

Shame expert Pia Mellody defines trauma as “anything less than nurturing.”

Childhood trauma, big or small, creates shame

The big T’s of trauma are the overt abuse situations you expect:

beatings, sexual abuse, being told you are stupid.

But there are the little t’s of trauma:

Those are the situations where we didn’t get enough hugs and cuddles.

We had a parent who had to work all the time and couldn’t be there enough.

We were bullied in school or had parents who raged and fought all the time.

We may have had a parent who died or divorced.

Think of anything that made you feel minimized or shoved aside.

So basically, (by this definition) childhood trauma is the human condition because no one had the perfect childhood.

As a result, many of us have developed a shame core that resides just below our unconscious. That shame core infiltrates our unconscious and our conscious and causes us to have thoughts and feelings that inhibit our well being.

A counselor’s struggle with shame

I struggled with shame for most of my young adult life. This shame made me frequently depressed and anxious.

I would have a shame attack and would spend weeks in bed hiding from the world. I even became suicidal several times. No one who has met me in the past few years can believe what a mess I was at one time in my life. But I did learn how to conquer shame and so can you!

Pia Mellody developed a process for inner child work many years ago, but I had never heard about it. I fought for my mental health by using some of the same principles as Pia’s model, but I wish I had known about it because it would have helped me immensely.

To fight shame, you have to confront the lies you tell yourself and replace them with the truth even when you don’t believe it is the truth. You have to look at every story you make up about events and challenge them for truth.

Trauma work isn’t about blaming our parents for being less than perfect. Most parents do the best they can, and so we focus on impact not intent.

Inner Child Work can help you deal with shame

The Marriage Place is now offering a 3-day Breaking Free workshop that involves looking at your childhood trauma and processing it in a way that rewires the way the brain functions. This is a powerful, life-changing three days that can help you deal with addictions, shame, anger, depression and anxiety. Click here for more information.

Read more at https://themarriageplace.com/2016/02/how-shame-ruins-your-life-and-how-to-change-it/

[learningtoeatokayagain]

trigger: suicide, attempt, depression, mental health

I started therapy again because of some shit that happened in January. I will get into that. But I have avoided writing about it because I was so fucking sick of constantly talking about it. I was telling professionals everything that happened. Constantly. I was keeping family and friends updated. I was the person that had to be the one to fucking figure out everything and visit and make the plans and make sure everything went okay. So it was a lot of fucking pressure. I couldn’t write about it because I was in the midst of fucking dealing with it.

So I had therapy today and I realized ... like, some shit. haha. So stupid ... not that I realized stuff, but what I said. Anyway, I realized stuff and it was super insightful and helpful. But let me just start from the beginning.

This will be my first time writing about. I tried while it was going on. I wanted to make a zine about it, but I couldn’t muster it. I was kind of upset by that. I just was so fucking drained. I just couldn’t fucking do it.

On January 20, I went out with a couple friends from work (and yes that was the inauguration date and I’m an anarchist and didn’t vote - so it has nothing to do with that). My daughter had called and asked for a ride home, but I had already told her previously that day that I couldn't give her a ride because I was going to go out with friends and drink some beer. She participated in the walk-out at school. The school district had called parents telling them to encourage their kids NOT to walk out, but I was like ummm ... no. Do it. Of course. I had a couple of adult friends who were being allies during the walk-out and asked to keep an eye out, but no one saw her. She had chatted with me on Snapchat and said she hit a cop and how it all felt amazing. So I was like, cool.

I knew she wasn’t feeling herself. I had a feeling something was coming up. I had been asking her daily how her mood was, checking in on her taking her Prozac, and I started her in counseling again. I had also reached out to the school and guidance counselors to see if they could reach out to her and do weekly check-ins. I had called her former counselor, but she was no longer there so I put her on the waiting list for a new person, but kept calling around and eventually found someone and we saw her the night before (the 19th).

I felt on top of shit. Like, knowing I was doing everything I could. I had asked her if she felt how she did when she was hospitalized a couple years ago and she said it wasn’t that bad.

We are close, like I grew up with her. I had her as a teen. It’s always been us. My entire late teens and adult life. I don’t know what it’s like not to have a kid. I never had adult time without a kid in my life.

So, January 20th.

I biked home after a couple of beers and she wasn’t home yet, but she told me she was going to take the bus. I always made sure she had a bus pass or a couple of dollars. Or told her to make sure she had it.

When I got home, I ran my bike upstairs and decided to go to the corner store for some veggies for my rabbits. I ran into her on the street. Odd. She had just gotten off the bus and she smiled and I was like, come with me to the corner store, tell me about the walk-out. Reluctantly she came. Told me the walk-out was super fun and that hitting the cop felt good. We walked home.

She went to her room, as she always does. I went to my room and had texted my boyfriend saying I might come out later to his bar (where he works), but fell asleep (not unusual. However, before I fell asleep, my daughter and I had Facetimed making fun of Hilary Clinton memes (we hate her). Then I fell asleep.

At some point, that night, I woke up to her saying: I took a bunch of pills. I was like, wtf? What? And I was like, wait? Why? She said I needed to call 911. She went to grab her iPad and a book. I panicked, grabbing my shit, and was like, let’s go to the ER. I drove to the Children’s Hospital ER and had no clue where the fuck to go, so parked my car wherever. I went into the hospital doors and I told the guy at the door that she took pills and he told me where to go and I started crying. She was just standing there. Triage nurse called us and asked what was going on and I explained and the nurse asked her why she did it and she said, “to stop the pain.” They took her back into another room and I had to answer some questions, then they told me to go to the waiting room. They also told me that she said she didn’t want me to come back there.

So I am there by myself, crying, amongst other families.

I texted a friend and asked if she could come and she said she would. I also texted my boyfriend and he called and said he would try to get someone to take over his shift. I texted my siblings, one of them told my mom. My mom called me, drunk, of course ... rambling about shit. She kept saying, “God Bless your boyfriend” and I really have no clue why.

I had no clue wtf was going on, so I finally asked and they said they thought I wasn’t there and I was SOOOOOOO pissed. I was like, no I have been waiting in the waiting room for a few hours, no updates, nothing. I got to go back to where she was and she was unconscious, being monitored. From my understanding, she took several Prozac, tylenol, and old seroquel. She hadn’t been taking her meds and was stocking them up. She also was cutting again, I found bloody tissues in her bed when I got home later. They said they checked the rest of her body and just found a few cuts. So it seemed recent. Although I found out later she had been cutting quit a bit.

She was in the ER for a while. My friend left and my boyfriend stayed. They took us back to the family room. They asked me what happened and I explained what I knew. I said all the stuff about me reaching out to school and guidance counselors, getting her back in counseling, checking on meds and mood. They said it seemed I was tried everything. I had the names of the new therapist and her psyciatrist. I was super on top of shit because I was so fucking terrified of like, DCYF getting called. I’m a single mom. I’m a  young mom. I stick out more. Also, I did that stuff because she needed help.

She was transferred to ICU, still unconscious. Her heart was becoming ... I don’t know, the rhythm was starting to become irregular. The team talked to me, again, about what happened and what was going on. They had to give her heart potassium to get it to beat regularly.

I was trying to stay on top of it. I mostly just stood there, answering questions. It was so scary seeing her in the bed in the ICU. She had no clue what the fuck was going on because she was unconscious. I also felt weird because my boyfriend was there and that had to have been an intense situation. They kept referring to him as her dad and we would correct them. She had to be constantly monitored. I ended up going home to try and sleep, but I really couldn’t. My boyfriend stayed with me.

I woke up early to go back to the hospital and she wasn’t awake yet. She was still being constantly monitored. I brought my computer, started my homework, and just sat there. Waiting.

I don’t totally remember when she woke up, but I do remember at one point, she did and saw me and smiled. I couldn’t fucking smile back. I could hardly look at her or talk to her. I couldn’t fucking do it. I wanted to, but I couldn’t. And I couldn’t bear the fact that I was the only person for her at that moment. The only person who could visit and see her. The only person who has been in her life and has raised her. The one fucking thing that I put so much fucking effort into. The most out of anything in my life. More than my fucking self. And all this fucking guilt and shame was there, but it only started coming out recently. Cognitively, I had to just push this through and I pushed my feelings aside.

She was eventually transferred to the floor where minors go before they go to the behavioral unit. She was still on 24 hour watch.

The only thing I could do was offer my physical support. I couldn’t talk to her. I was so fucking confused and angry and sad. I didn’t fucking get any of this at all. Like, WHY THE FUCK? I had tried so much and she wasn’t honest and I am like, the least reactive mom, ever. Of course I get upset and confused and mad, but I am chill. I don’t scream and yell. I cry. But my responses to her are fairly consistent and I don’t judge her. I get why people cut. I get it. I had a fucking eating disorder. I have been insanely self destructive because it helped. And it often felt like they only thing that did fucking help. I get it. I totally get it.

But I never ever wanted that for her. EVER. I don’t want that for anyone. especially my kid. I would rather have my eating disorder back, full-blown, then have her go through all that bullshit.

But again. The only thing I could offer was my physical support. So that’s what I did.

We eventually started talking. She apologized and was crying to me one day, saying she didn’t mean to do what she did. Family from another state called and I think it was helpful for her to hear from her cousin who is a little older who was being super non-judgmental and told her she just wanted her to be okay.

She had (and still has) constant tremors. She couldn’t eat on her own because the tremors were so bad that it caused her not able to open food containers or use silverware. She also couldn’t walk without a walker.

She was transferred to the behavioral unit and was there for a little over 2 weeks. I visited her each day, participated in family therapy, and figured out a plan. I was terrified to have her back. Sharps and pills were locked up (some still are). She left on 40 mg of prozac. One of the psychiatrists had been super upfront with her, which I thought was helpful, but she found it difficult. But on some level, I felt she needed it. One thing that stuck out to me during the whole thing is super random. I visited during game time and they patients were playing Apples to Apples and her and I always play weird. Like, we pick shit that doesn’t make sense and laugh. That’s what we were doing and the psychiatrist pointed out how much we know each other and are in each other’s heads. And it’s true.

Now, almost 7 months later.  I have noticed how incredibly low and bad my anxiety has been lately. My daughter and I did intensive home therapy and now she’s doing OCD outpatient treatment. She’s also on the waiting list for Mindful Teen DBT group.

So I was in therapy today, discussing how I felt lately. My low mood, my anxiety, fixating on shit. Fixating on surface shit. Like ... stuff that really doesn’t matter in the entire scheme of things. Like, one thing is about how I feel my boyfriend lied about a ride he got and it’s like, it doesn’t matter. I don’t get why he lied but I don’t even know if he did lie for sure! It’s just so stupid! My obsession with it. And I’m too scared to bring it up. Mostly ... nervous on my part because I feel like an idiot for being focused on it.

Anyway, I think I started to realize that I didn’t deal much with the emotional part of all of this because I had to like, deal with what was doing on. Like, I had to just deal and figure it out. Plus I was working a full and part-time job and I couldn't quit. I had just started the new full-time job. I just had to push through and do whatever I needed to do to make sure she was alive. And I haven’t fully dealt with how, emotionally, she could have died and I fucking can’t imagine my life without her. Even though being a parent can be completely wretched and awful and so prison-like, I still can’t imagine not having her in my life. I want to die before her. I don’t want her to die before me. I can’t bear the fact that she could have died before me. My therapist also brought up the stages of grief related to this and I never thought of that. And also, how this was super emotionally traumatic for me. On top of that, she’s almost 16 and she’s separating from me, which is healthy and what she’s supposed to do! But how that’s so hard right now because I want to make sure she’s safe and okay. I am also having a difficult time with trust because I don’t always trust what she tells me in relation to her mood and I’m always thinking she might still have pills stocked up and she’s not taking them and she’s just lying to me about everything. It’s hard not to think that she still might want to die.

I also talked about how much I’ve put into being a mom because I didn’t want her to have a shitty life. I wanted her to be okay and I have a lot of guilt and shame, even though I know I literally did everything I could. But it’s so hard to think about how hard I put into this and how it almost ended. And I am a fucking counselor and I have been so open with her about all this stuff!

I also realized that it’s summer and she’s home alone a lot now and that’s hard for me. We worked into this, of course, with the help of her in-home counselor and trust and time. But it’s really hard for me to grasp that she is home alone while I’m at work. I’m not at super ease with it. 

It was helpful to get a grasp on what’s been going on with me. It’s been super fucking hard and I feel now I am getting to the core of these shitty emotions. I drank one a couple weeks ago with my boyfriend and friends and ended up a hot mess that night, crying so hard about all this. I certainly cried when it was going on. But I don’t think I super processed it the way I am now and I have always not written about it much. I tried, but I couldn’t do it because I was so sick of talking about. The details. Those fucking details about everything that happened. I just couldn’t keep reliving it.

It’s fucking crazy and intense how I was just dealing with it when it happened and now it has been come flooding back in a super intense way that I never fucking expected. I felt so on top of the shit and I was. But I just couldn’t like ... handle it emotionally the way I am processing it right now.

I couldn’t access the feelings I have now. And this will be something I will probably have to process off/on for a while. Maybe even my whole life. I’m not sure.

I also got child support recently and it was just like wtf. He hasn’t paid in over 2 years. He doesn’t know about either hospitalized and the suicide attempt.

Fuck.