#I miss them anf how insane they make me

[soireegurl]

Jungwon with mute reader( feat sunoo) pt2.

It has been weeks since that traumatic incident at home with you and Jungwon.

Everything has been okay... Just one thing though...

You don't know where Jungwon got your phone number from... But he has been texting you everyday and very frequently that it is getting annoying and scary.

It started from a small good morning and good night texts and some texts asking you how you are. But recently it got creepier and creepier.

"Good morning, did you sleep well? Thinking that Sunoo hyung was the one next to you every night makes me insanely jealous... I should be the one next to you... The only one..."

"I just want to let you know that I miss you so much... I really want to hug you right now... But sadly I can't... But it's okay, that time will come soon..."

You didn't dare to tell anyone and it's not like you can either.

The only person here who can understand you is Sunoo... And Jungwon... The others can't read hand signs.

Everytime you felt like telling Sunoo, Jungwon's words just keeps lingering in your mind.

You don't know what he can do... You don't want to risk it either.

Today, Jungwon and the guys are here again. They have been coming really often till the point where you suspect that it's Jungwon that initiates all the meet ups.

Now you are just sitting here among the boys listening to them gossiping.

And you can feel Jungwon's gaze on you and it is really getting uncomfortable.

Everytime he comes, he will just keep staring at you with that dark gaze that makes you feel uneasy.

"Tofu... Is there something wrong? You look really uncomfortable..."

Sunoo softly whispered into your ears...

You look at sunoo and slightly shook your head. You don't want to use handsign because Jungwon can understand.

"If there's anything tell me okay?"

Sunoo said softly and you nodded.

And just when you look to the front, you saw Jungwon staring at you again.

You guys made eye contact and you quickly looked away because of how intense his stare was.

"Guys let's get some Soju should we?"

Jungwon suggested.

"Yeah sounds great! We can have a movie night too!"

Niki replied excitedly.

"Alright I will go to the supermarket, text me what you want..."

Heeseung said as he stood up..

"I will go with you hyung!"

Sunoo said excitedly.

"Us too!"

Sunghoon, Jay, Jake said.

End up almost all of them went to the supermarket...

And it's only left with you, Jungwon anf Niki...

Before sunoo left, you tried to make him stay... You held his hands with pleading eyes but you didn't want to use hand sign because of Jungwon.

"Why tofu? I'm just going to the supermarket... I will be back very soon..."

Sunoo said as he kissed your forehead.

You know that... But you are scared...

"Then let me go with you too..."

You finally used hand sign because you are getting really scared... Scared of the thought of staying alone with Jungwon without sunoo...

"It's okay tofu... We have many guys, we can carry..."

Sunoo did many things to comfort you and you couldn't say anymore...

End up you are now in the house with Jungwon and Niki...

Niki was very concentrated on playing the switch so he can't really notice what is going on between you and Jungwon.

"Sss... Seems like you don't want to be with me... Mmm?"

Jungwon came over and whispered into your ears making you shiver...

You didn't answer because you didn't know what to say.

"Oh... Now you don't even want to talk to me? What a bad girl huh?"

Jungwon said and smirked but his smirk was evil and dark.

"It's okay... You can be rebellious all you want... Just wait till at night..."

After that, he left and went to olay with Niki.

You were surprised that he actually left you alone...

But you didn't understand what he meant.

What could happen at night?

[lena-in-a-red-dress]

Legacy is a Lonely Color [a post 5x11 ficlet]

If there is one person Lena would least expect to see standing on her balcony, it's Winslow Schott.

She'd seen the news about the Toyman, and admittedly felt a pang of regret that the shift in reality had so ill-served such a bright personality. But the man on her balcony doesn't have the manic glee Lena glimpsed in the news footage. Instead, the smile that greets her with a small wave is calm, his gaze steady as he regards her through the glass.

Curiosity spurs Lena to open the door, though she can imagine what has brought a Legionnaire to her doorstep.

"Good to see you're not insane," she greets as Winn steps inside her office. "Or should I be worried about any cymbal-clapping monkeys rolling around here?"

"Har har," he retorts. He turns towards her as though reaching for a friendly hug, but stops short when Lena stiffens and turns away. He diverts his intention by sucking in a deep breath. "Nope, no murderous monkeys this time. But if you're interested, I know a guy."

He clicks his tongue with a wink and a pair of finger guns, and Lena fails to keep a smile from pulling at her lips. Mutual grins linger between them for a long moment, before Winn's fades and Lena remembers herself.

"What are you doing, Lena?"

Lena folds her arms stiffly across her chest, jaw clenching as she squares her shoulders against the accusation that falls softly in the evening shadows.

"Excuse me?"

"Non Nocere? J'onn showed me what almost happened, and Lena-- this is not the way."

Leveling her very best Luthor glare at the Legionnaire. "I'm curious, Agent Schott... do I miraculously survive into the 23rd century?"

Winn blinks, his features scrunching in confusion. "Um-- no...?"

"Then I'm curious as to when we became friends enough that you can presume to know anything about me."

To her surprise, Winn only smiles, even as he ducks his head as though to hide it. "No... I know. We're not friends. In fact it's really my only true regret about going with the Legion."

Lena doesn't understand. Despite the high-octane circumstances of thor previous encounters, they never became personal. Perhaps, over time, they could have been true friends, but Winn had been long gone before Lena was admitted so deep into Kara's circle.

Sensing her confusion, Winn continues.

"Yeah, turns out when people in the future know you used to hang with the OG Supergirl, they want to know everything. Including what you know about her brilliant and beautiful best friend Lena Luthor."

Lena scowls. "Your future has its details wrong. We're not friends."

Winn's lips pull into a grimace. "Yeah. I heard that too."

"If this is some kind of ploy for me to--"

"Kara doesn't know I'm here. She's not that kind of person."

Resentment coils in its nest, deep in her chest. Lena's fingers tighten painfully on her biceps. "Well, I'm sure you have reason to believe that."

Winn's lips pinch together, but he moves on. "Anyway, my point is that those guys knew more about you than I did. And the more I learned trying to catch up, the more  I wished I'd made more of an effort to know you when I had the chance. I mean, I always knew I liked you-- you're AWESOME-- but I didn't realize just how much."

Lena shakes her head. She's had enough lip service to last her a lifetime, anf she has no interest in empty words from Kara's closest friend--let alone one who doesn't look like he'll be abandoning the future to rectify the situation. "We're both intelligent people, Mr. Schott. We both know you're not here to learn my favorite color and braid my hair. And knowing your history with Supergirl and her friends, I'm going to cut to the chase: there's nothing you can say to me tonight or two hundred years from now that will convince me to trust her again." She is done giving second chances. She is done offering her heart to others and having it returned to her in pieces. But Winn regards Lena with a smile that rests on his features with a maturity she doesn't remember seeing before. "The only person you need to trust again is yourself." A jolt arcs clean through Lena's core. It takes all her control not to recoil from the soft accusation, but Winn must see the reflexive flinch, because the next thing she knows, warm hands take her by the shoulders. Somehow the soft touch lays her bare, slicing through the bubble that's surrounded her since the night she killed her brother. Tears spring unbidden to her eyes. "No one can survive as an island. Not even the great Lena Luthor." Winn's own smile turns damp, even as it broadens. "El mayarah." Just like that, Lena's defenses snap back up. She blinks away her sudden emotion, scoffing. "Another load of--" Winn interrupts her curse. "Stronger together isn't just Supergirl's motto," he tells her. "It's L-Corp's too." Lena freezes. L-Corp? That means-- she stares at Winn in question, but he doesn't elaborate. "Non Nocere is not your legacy." He says it with such certainty that Lena can't find any protest within her. "Trust yourself," Winn says, "and you will find your way. Whether or not that way lies with Supergirl is up to you. But if you abandon yourself... you'll be lost forever." She's already lost. Lena knows it, however much she tries to deny. Non Nocere was as much about DOING something as it was about fixing something. It's all the more clear now that her company is Lex's again and she has absolutely nothing to show for the last four years of her life. But maybe it's not gone for good. Maybe Lena has a future ahead of her after all. And now she has a direction in how to get there. "It was good to see you." Winn pulls away, and backs up towards the balcony. When he floats to step onto the rail of the balcony, Lena calls out. "Winn." He pauses, pivoting to face her recklessly enough to make Lena's heart lurch in alarm. She swallows it down, though, and focuses on him rather than the drop at his heels. "Are you really not going to ask why I have the interface cube from your ship?" He's got to have noticed it missing by now. But his eyebrows lift indiscernably. "Do you really think I wouldn't know a piece of 23rd century tech when I see it?" Winn affects an innocent shrug. "I don't know what you're talking about." Leaning against the doorframe, Lena folds her arms with a smirk of her own. "I think I would have liked to know you too, Mr. Schott." Her confession earns a grin, and another wink. "Catch you around, Miss Luthor." With that, Winn spreads his arms wide and simply tips himself backwards, plunging into empty space. Just as a cry catches in Lena's throat, his head pops back into view, gleeful and giggling. "I've always wanted to do that!" And there goes Earth's very own Legionnaire, zooming up towards the cloud covered sky. Lena watches him go, her thoughts racing as swiftly as he flies. In the days that follow, his words continue tumble about Lena's brain. She weighs them carefully, lets them lead down a multitude of potential paths until she settles on the one that suits her best. It's risky, with a high probabilty of failure, but alternatives leave her with more certain, but less favorable outcomes. And there is always one way she can up her odds. She bites the bullet late one evening and knocks loudly on a beige metal door on the rent-controlled side of down. The sound is almost lost in the laughter she can hear from within, but in just a few moments the knob turns and the door opens to reveal Kara Danvers gaping on the other side. "Lena!" she blurts, cheeks flushing. "You're here!" Lena shrugs. "Well, it is second-friday." Game night. Kara steps aside, and Lena deigns to step inside. As she does she, she casts a cursory glance across the stunned faces staring at her. Only Brainy seems to be missing, but his seat is filled neatly by Winn, whose eyes crinkle behind a disguise of glasses and nothing else. Her own seat has been comandeered by William Dey, who regards her with a stare that feels particularly loathsome. Reflexively, Lena does the math since his arrival in National City, and has to swallow the scoff that scrapes up her throat. Kara invites a coworker she hates in a third of the time it took Lena to earn her inclusion. It doesn't surprise Lena. Not now. "Don't worry," she delivers, half to Kara and half to the staring audience. "I'm not here to participate. Not that you're low on numbers." Kara comes even with her, eyes wide and unblinking, as though Lena might disappear in an instant. "Then... why are you here?" she asks. "Is everything okay?" "No," Lena clips shortly. She revels in the flinch she earns. Nothing is okay. Kara knows that. "H-how can we help?" Kara stammers. "You can't. I have a job for Supergirl." William Dey, of all people, is the first to react. "Supergirl doesn't answer to Luthors," he declares, rising to his feet. Before Lena rolls her own eyes, she notes a flash of irritation that travels across Kara's features. Perhaps she still has some spine after all. "The salary we issue to her direct deposit every month says otherwise," Lena drawls. "And I fail to recall where you were invited into the conversation, Mr. Dey." "I'd be happy to relay a message," Kara interjects before Dey could fire back. "What can I tell her?" Lena tilts her head towards Dey. "I'm afraid it's personal." Kara adjusts her glasses. "Oh, um-- I trust him." "That means nothing to me." Again, Lena revels in the way Kara jerks under the pointed barb, cheeks flushing. Lena almost hopes Kara will tell her to fuck off. Having Supergirl's assistance would make her work easier, but she doesn't exactly enjoy the thought of spending the time with her either. In the end, Kara turns to the rest of the room. "We're calling it an early night," she says. "Sorry, William." "You don't have to drop everything just because she--" "Welp, I'm pooped anyway," Nia announces, climbing her feet. "Next time I'm gonna have to take a nap before game night. Really takes it out of you, huh?" "Right," Winn nods. He claps Dey on the shoulder. "Come on, man. There's probably still time to catch a taxi." Nia feigns a bathroom break, giving her a reason to linger as Winn guides Dey out the door. Lena ignores the glare the reporter levels at her on his way out, focusing instead on the way Alex kisses Kelly goodbye and promises to be home as soon as she can. Soon it's only Alex and Kara left. Nia emerges as soon as Dey leaves, and a few minutes later Winn re-enters through Kara's open window. This time, when Lena turns her gaze back to Kara, she finds Supergirl gazing back at her. She's still in civilian clothing, her hair still twisted up like Kara Danvers', but it's the hero whose eyes lock on her, a large presence even as she regards Lena with a gaze that isn't anywhere near accusatory. Interesting. "What do you need?" Supergirl asks. Lena recenters herself with a silent, fortifying breath. "Lex. He's planning something, and I intend to stop him. And I will, with or without your help, but it would be faster with more bodies." She looks at the people who lied to her for years, held her at arm's length even as they made a show of embracing her. She doesn't need them, but to reclaim her legacy, Lena's willing to invite them in. If only enough to remove her brother from the field of play. "Who's interested?"

[robobee]

long long vent below / dead dove etc . not nsft but minors dont interact 

ok SORRY!! SORRY FOR vent postin g on main but this has always been a diary of mine so WHATEVEr i am withering at the fucking seams bro i need to start studying i need to fucking make myself study but its not clicking its not clicking my headphones are broken what will i do if i cant maladaptive daydream while walking back and forth in circles in the dark!!!! yeah its insane whatever but its How I Cope and i need to. i need to block out Outside i need the right music for the right Vibe so i can See it better !!! 

and its like. i feel Too MUch !!!!!!!1TOO MUCH!!!! but NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!! i need to cry i need SOmething but the only cig pack i have is from 2020 and it doesnt feel good at all it just feels Gross and Hot which is a win for the genetic nicotine addiction But not a win for living in FUCKING P*KIST*N!!!!! i cant do ANYTHING here!!!!!!!! cant drink bc thats illegal & cant go outside bc its Exam Season and panoramic and also i burned up all my friendships and all of them r fucking oppressed by their parents too anyways i hate it i hate it 

my head hurts all the Fucking Time i dont even have the energy to punch shit or to write and i Want to draw so badly!!!!! i see it in my head i see it i see it but i cant put it down!!!!!1 i could do it digitally ik i could but setting up digitally means ill have to restart and pray bc my PS is laggy as hell bc this laptop is ancient and i waaant an ipad pro bc i know the ease of drawing will make me draw more which will make my art better but its Fucking Expensive and the price is doubled because again, FUcking shithole needs to have shit imported AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaa also ill be lucky if i get 30 followers maybe my shit just Sucks which is fair but it means i need to stop putting so much Time to it 

but more pressingly my exams start on the 17th anf they dont stop till mid june its the entire fucking A level syll.abus and im gonna be real with ya i was fully planning on game ending by now but! shocker im still kicking and now i have to deal with the Fucking Mess that depressed bitch left me in and i cant study i cant i dont know how to explain it i cant make myself do it !i want to i need to  im trying nobody is fucking Getting It “get motivated” THATS NOT THE FUCKING PROBLEM!!!!!!!!111111 my fucking intestines are trying to eat me too and i Feel that e.d crawling back in and i dont have the !!!!!!!!1fucking time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

im gonna peel my skin back im gonna crunch my skull into the fucking pavement AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaa’];;[;’.’

and yeah yeah obviously theres the whole Everything You’ve Ever Made Is  Fucking GAAAAAAARBAAAGEEEEEE thing like. yeah yeah i know ok i KNOW im immensely critical thats all my fucking therapist ever tells me and i keeep getting these. fuckign Flashbacks randomly bc this stupid bitch shrink decided to delve into “”””memories”“““““ right before a time im Supposed To Be Functional like! things! are! repressed! for a reason!!!! and i miss my fucking dad but i never liked him when he was alive so! contain multitudes i guess! 

and i cant Make the Stuff im supposed to make and i know some of my friendships r reliant on that but . i cant and theyre gonna burn and i also hate being so sour abt not having my love language reciprocated in the Right way but its the fucking RSD kicking in in high gear babaey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

theres jsut so much Fuckign Cotton in my head i just want to think again but its been like this for at least 9 years now so i dont think i even know what having a clear head is Like i keep fucking up social interactions bc ??? smile?? face make move??? apparently?? and i wanted Time i just want Time i know im smart i know im good at what i do i just need a Clear head and fucking Time but i dont have it i dont HAVE it time isnt fucking Real

[natto-axolotl]

everyone's dojng this so

@aquatic-turquoise - BRO IM NEVER FONNA FORGET JULY WHERE YOU SAID HEWWOW TO ME. YOU WERE THE FIRST ONE THAT FALKED TO ME IN SHMEEPS AND IM NEVER GONNA FORGET THAG. YOURE SO FUNNY AND AWESOME AND JUST A GREAT FRIEND OVER ALL GODSPEED YOU FUNKY KATSUMA

@jackie-from-the-seafloor - BRO BRO VRO VRO VRO!!!!!!!!! I LOOKED HP TO YOU REALLY EARLY ON AND NOW THAT WERE IN THE GC AND GOOFING OFF IT FEELS LIKE A FEVER DREAM!!!!!!! YOURE SO NICE AND FUNNY AND I REMEMVER BRINGING UP SCP AND TALKING WITH OUT ABOUT IT!!!!!!! HAVE A GREAT UCKING NEW YEAR YOU TIMETRAVELLING LOBSTER

@jsab-fujii - YOU :thot:. BRO IM NEVER GONNA FORGET WHEN I POSTED TAYLOR AND YOU REACTED THAT WAY YOU MOTIVATE ME TO KEEP DRAWING JSAB SHIT AND GOOFING OFF YOURE SO FUNNY AND CHILL AND YOURE ALWAYS A SHOULDER TO CRY ON ITS INSANE HOW AWESOME TOU ARE SO HAVE A HAPPY FUKEING NEW YEAR YA SWUARE (hugs you)

@pixxstix - PIXSTIX YOU WONDERFUO GREMLIN (HIGHFIVES AND GIVES YOU CANDLE) PLAYING SKY WITH YOU IS SO FUCKING CALMING AND NICE AND EVEN AFTERR SHIT WENT DOWN THE SQUAD'S STILL TOGETHER AND WERE GONNA BE OKAY!!!!! YOUR ORIGINAL SHIT IS SO INTERESTING AND I CANT WAIT TO SEE WHERE IT GOES!!! SO (holds your hand and jumps into GW spiral) HAPPPPY NEWW YEAAAARRRRRRE

@pure-innocent-disaster-two - KATE KATE KATE KATE KATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOUR JSAB SHIT IS SO FUCKING INTERESTING ANF COOL AND EVEN THEOUFH THE AAAU IS PROBABLY DEAD IT WAS STILL SO COOL ANDDRAGGED ME INO ACE ATTORNEY!!!!!!! PLAYING SKY WI TY YOU IS ALSO JUST SO CALMING AND NICE AND FLOAING ABOUT GW.....SHIT MAY HAVR GONE DOWN BUT WERE STILL IN ONE PIECE AND THAT'S WHAF MATTERS!!! SO GO, ONWARDS TA LITTLE MUSIC NOTE!!!! HAPOY 2020!!!!! (hands u a candle)

@myserbale - MYS YOU FERAL GREMLIN,,,,,,YOUR ART IS HONESYLY SO GOOD AND MAKES ME GO HHHHHHHH AND IM STILL IN SHOCK YOURE A PART OF THE SKYSQUAD,,,,,,YOURE AMAZING AN HILARIOUS AND (HANDS YOU A CANDLE) WE ARE BROS....ONWARDS FLOOFBALLL

@nontoxic-markers - KNIGHT (GRABS YOU) BRO YOURE SO COOL!!!!!!!!!!! IVE SAID THIS IN MY RB BUT ITS BEEN A YEAR SINCE I FIRST DISCOVERED JSAB AND I CANNOT VELIECE THAG SIMPLY FINDING A FUNKY GAMR WOULD LEAD TO BEING INA GC WITH YOU AND EVERYONE ELSE JSUT HHHHHHHHAGAFSGAFSGAFSGSVSVS BRO YOURE AMAZING.,,,,,,NEVER EVER EVER FUCKING FORGET THAT!!!!! HAPPY NEW YEARS TWINK

@nebulanudibranch - NEBI WHERE THE FUCK DO I EVEN BEGIN I ONLY GOT TO KNOW YOU RECENTLY BUT HOLY SHIT YOURE SO NICE.....WATCING EPITHET ERASED WAS THE BEST CHOICE IVR EVER MADE AND WE JUST GOOFED OFF AND DRAGGED EVERYONE ELSE INTO IT!!!! YOUR ART IS SO PRETTY AND ICONIC AND ID JUST CRY BC YOU'RE SO NICE AND THE ANON ASK HAPPY NEW YEAR YOU FUNKY NUDIVEANCH!!!!!

@sol4r-eclips3 - BRO YOUR ART AND CHARACTER DESIGN IS SLAPPING AND THEYRE SO FUNA ND UNIQUE I LOVE THEM ALL SM,,,,,,,,,YOURE REALLY FUNNY AND ID REALLY LIKE TO GET TO KNOW YOU BETTER!!!! HAPPY MEW YEAR YOU SHAPESHIFTING VOID CREACGER

@hexaforce678 - HEXAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BRO YOUR COMICS ARE SO COOL AND UNIQUE AND YOURE JUST SO FUN TO HANG OUT AROUND AND TALK TO AND ID LAY MY LIFE DOWN FOR KEVIN!!!!!!!!!! I CANT WAIT TO SEE YOU NEXT DECADE MAN!!!!!!!

@charmed-wonder - CHARMED TOU FERAL WONDER!!!!!!!!!! YOUR ORIGINAL STORY IS SO COOL AND I REALLY WANNA SEE MORE OF IT!!!!! YOURE AN ABSOLUTE CRACKHEAD IN THE GOOD WAY AND SO FUNNY AND WONDERFUL TO TALK TO SO HUA!!!!!!

@rhyth5 - RAYNE FIRST OFF YOUR ASKBLOG WAS ALSO ONE IF THE FIRST AND IT WAS AWESOME,,,,,,YOURE SO FUNNY AND GREAT TO TALK TO AND ID DIE FOR NEXUS!!!!!! SO HAPPY NEW YEAR KING KNIGHT KINNIE!!!!!!!

@horned-slime - PHALANX!!!!! BRO THANK YOU DO FUCKING MUCH FOR DRAGGING ME INTO GAY ROCK HELL MAN!!!! YOUR ORIGINAL SERIES IS SO DETAILED AND INTERESTING AND HEARING YOU BLAB ABOUT IT US AWESOME!!!!! SO HAPPY NEW YEAR (hands u sourdough loaf)

@mother-of-thots-returns - MOT IVE ONLY KNOWN YOU FOR LIKE A MONTH BUT YOURE SO FUCKIJG SWEET AND NICE AND FULL OF POSITIVITY I CRY!!!!!!!! YOU LIFT RVERYONE UP AND YOURE JUST SO FUCKJGG NF NICE ALRIGHT (SHOVES MY APPRECIATION TOWARD GOU) HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!

@dibphobic - PUR!!!!!! IVE TALKED TO YOU ABOUT OW AND LOL BEFORE AND NOW THAT WERE BOTH NECKDEEP IN SOUPDAD HELL IVE GOTTEN TO KNOW YOU A LOT BETTER AND YOURE JUST SO FUCIJG AWESOME,,,,MPUSE ART SKILLS OK FLEEK!!!! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

@krys-lil-corner - DRAGON MOM DRAGON MOM!!!!!!!! BRO YOURE ALWAYS A RELIABLE SHOULDER TO CRY ON AND I CANT THANK YOU ENOUGH FOR THAT ;;W;; I CANT WAIT FOR NEXT DECADE AND WHAT IT HAS FOR US!!!!!

LIGHTNING ROUND: @maybeheir @tokyosorbet @apollysabyss @chiramire @tiny-airman @bihet-trendrr @dolleroo @iscaredspider , THE ENTIRE HELL SERVER I OWE YOU MY FUCKING LIFE, ENTIRETY OF NTM Y'ALL ARE CRACKHEADS AND ILY, SHAPES AND PEETS EVERYONE THERE IS HELLA AWESOME, ISCA'S SPIDERWEB, AND THE EPITHET ERASED FAN DISCORD

IM SO SO SO SORRY IF I MISSED YOU, BUT JUST KNOW THAT YALL ARE THE NICEST FUCKING PEOPLE IVE EVER MET AND IDK WHERE I'D BE WITHOUT YALL,

SO HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! TO A NEW START IN 2020!!!!

[ltsaradharkness]

Birthdays and holidays and family stuff.

So last year my youngest aunt dj ended up in a coma after taking something that wasnt her prescription meds. Now what wee know is it was a diabetes meds and as a result she ended up in diabetic ketoacidosis and isnt remotely diabetic. Those she has a seizure or stroke and ended up with in a coma and with long term memory problems. She wants to claim she isnt a drug addict except she had cocain in her system at the time and also has had such things in her system in the past tested by the police on multiple occasions. Now she wants to claim not to be a drug addict that people around her was but not her. (Was a big fight earlier this year, nana literally told me it was unfair of me to make such a statement. Well sorry but the truth is the truth deal with it.)

So this happened right before the weekend of my 30th birthday. I had a big weekend planned and missed put on a big family anf friends dinner becasue my nana and pawpaw had to go be with her. (As they should) they were gone more then a week amd she had to come home with them becasue she couldnt be left alone amd they were the only ones who could help her take care of herself. It was a nightmare. She didnt talk to anyone for a week when she got home. (Wouldnt talk to some people before she left the hospital too but...) then it was yelling and stomping and tantrums like a 3 year old.

She left after two weeks or so. And every other day was some drama from people calling nana talking about dj. Her friends where she was at ect. She had her dog here with her but took her with her when she left.

Well fast forward to sept and we are displaced for a hurricane last year and while we were staying with family, she needed to be moved again amd couldnt take thr dog with and the dog was in a bad way so we brought her home with us when we could finally come home after 12days. And then it was back to hearing from dj or about dj for months on end. Then in may of this year she needed or wanted to come move down here with us. So someone brought her down here in july and again it was fighting and bs right at the same time as pawpaw was having his bladder removed from having cancer. She was here for about two weeks again before she called someone to come get her. She tried to say that nana and pawpaw had stolen her dog and tried to take the dog while pawpaw was still in the hospital. Well that didnt happen but she couldnt even take care of herself much less the dog. So she hasnt been doing well been back and forth between a family friend and maybe a boifriend. Driving the family friend totally insane. Over a car she cant even drive becasue years ago she lost her license. Trying to het it fixed and in her name and all the kinda crap. Well we had to take a trip to gastonia for our own car related stuff and ended up bringing her home with us at the same time.

So now she is back with us and is just about as bad as before. But today is her 49th bday and nana wanted to take her to dinner but she didnt feel good so she didnt go. While at chillis we had a pan cookie and when nana talked about dj missing out i was like i jave chocolate chip at home i can make her cookies and she was like that would be really sweet of ypu to make her cookies.

Well that didnt really sit well with me. But i did make the cookies. They came out pretty good. But it got me to thinking about xmas. And how i dont really wanna get her anything or make her ANY thing or do anything for her. Nana said today she feels like she has lost everything, well she fucking did it to herself. She took drugs and let for ex do drugs and stayed even tho she wasnt with him anymore. She didnt take her stuff and get out ect. No she called nana all the time to complain about what was going on.

Complain that no one loved her etc. Etc on and on. Like you wouldnt know love if it walked up and slapped ya. Head too far up your own ass to notice what real love is like.

Today at dinner i nana and pawpaw about feeling like she doesnt know thay im 31 no 8 and she talks to me like im 8 or something. Nana goes dont let it brother you. Blah blah dismiss your feelings etc. As per usual. Well whatever. Ruined my last two bday, and made things harder then necessary every time she is around. Cant recognize or realize that she is the problem. HER bs is the problem.

And that being stupid and fake isnt gonna "make me love her again" like nope honey love isnt the problem.

[kingjude13]

Becoming 2 people

Its gotten strange how polarizing ive gotten I'm very extreme and its gotten a harder to deal with and maintain at this point I just trapped myself in a meaningless loop til I can figure out what my next step aught to be at this stage in life in not sure I have many options school is expensive pointless I'd have to retake all my high school classes which isn't going to let me focus and on top what would I study that doesn't capitalize off of others staying where I am as working class is fine but where to live why to live there who to live with ive got nothing for any of these and its become fairly apparent that I might be working in no where for no reason with no one and that'll be my life I cant continue living like this its maddening I'm going insane I'm not eating normal I'm not sleeping normal my mind is erupted in chaos paranoia is rampent and I dont know who to trust I'm afraid ill start cutting ties again ive gotten close but the poison that is social medias kept me held on but for what point is there seems to me as if disappearing would be nice to change area change group but am I really satisfied with ghosting or do I just want to see if id be missed how long until they noticed... Would they ever my family wouldn't say much not that they'd contact one another could be a year or 2 even and by then what affect would it have they'd go on living as they have shed be off probably the first to ditch... Ah who am I kidding they might love me dearly and ive got no clue this lonelyness is getting to me also the first days when it hit it was rough at this point its a lagging sore agony that doesnt let up and it only continues to broil and fester in me works good to get my mind off it but I end up leaving wanting to fight smoking a bowl is great but it disappoints my parents I lay in bed for hours contemplating my existence and then I sleep in not sure if I dream but if I do I forget them anf I wake up and repeat a very stimulating process but that along with the many ways spent wandering and the flaked dates the lonesome cruises through Houston I'm at a point of being lonely that my own thoughts are unwanted I try to be stoned all I can but there's only so long a high lasts and only so much money to spend

What am I even saying anymore its 5 am and I'm venting to my own Tumblr because ive ran out of people to talk to its time we face the truth we dont expect anyone to read this we don't think anyone's even gonna notice this you wrote this as a cry for help that I know won't come no one cares about us they've said it before why wouldn't they have a problem dropping us we had 1 tie to them and its basically gone fucking face it fool you've fucked up the one thing that was good for you

There's no way its like that c they like us they tolerate us at the very least she's always had our backs no matter what he's a great friend and she cares I hope but she does I put faith in them that they'll reach out maybe were not reaching hard enough I mean really we aren't doing much to stand out it seems like you've made us moody so that you can keep us down you want to make us sad so you can win fine but when were lonely and ready to face mortality you can answer

Alright kiddo hold the fuvk up right there before you get off your high horse I want you to remember that you were the one who fed him his bulshit lies on how this world worked you made is feel like we were right when we were wrong you told us how to hurt people maybe I did it may e I loved it but its your fault for telling me how in the first place you're pathetic you're a worm on my hook you're beta jude you make us fucking sick with how you bend to this shit Sam bitches you out today and you didn't even flinch you fucking punk god Damn it I hate us

Look the sam things different he bitches all the damn time but also you need to stop using the b word like that

Okay first off fuck you 2nd dont be a tool and I won't insult you jack ass

You're the one who shoots us in the foot

Yea and you're the one who turns it into a deadly infection moron I'm here lol 5% of the time the rest id just you making a shit storm while the shit hits the fan

I maintain what te fuck I can but you going ape shit and trying to get us to berzerk is not fucking helping you could help by getting a real good paying job for you to work at then you can complain bit you hate this job I'm the one who pays bills you fucko

[a-fadingwolfcollector-thing-blog]

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