#I really can’t believe I finally got past the executive dysfunction well enough to actually start treating my executive dysfunction lmao

[drygrasses]

Went to a therapist today for the first time in a few years! They’re nonbinary and a year younger than I am (💀) but they took me seriously when I described my Issues (I’m mostly there for ADHD reasons…family things will have to wait) and seemed on board with pursuing a diagnosis so I’m really hopeful, genuinely

[invisibleanonymousmonsters]

Déjà vu

Character: Bucky Barnes x Tall!Reader

(There really isn’t any plot based around the reader’s height. But I wanted to highlight it because there’s not enough tall girl representation. And that’s that.)

Summary: Bucky thought his days of memory loss were done. But after a serious head injury, he can’t seem to remember anything past his time in Wakanda. But he’s starting feel like his life is missing more than just memories.

Word Count: 3,000 - One Shot

Bucky could hear people arguing. Why did it sound like they were all hovering above him?

It definitely wasn’t helping his excruciating headache. His skull felt like it was trying to split in half.

“Could you all just shut up?” He grumbled.

Finally he found the urge and strength to open his eyes.

When he blinked his vision back into focus and slowly sat up, everything around him went quiet.

Steve, Tony, Natasha, and Sam were all watching him with concern.

“What the hell are you all looking at?” Bucky asked.

“Buck,” Steve stepped forward. “Do you remember what happened to you?”

He blinked, realizing now that he didn’t. “Umm…”

“You got knocked the fuck out,” Tony chimed in.

“Tony,” Steve warned with a glare. Then his eyes softened when the turned back to his friend. “Bucky, what’s the last thing you remember?”

Bucky’s headache was getting worse as he tried to remember. “I…I don’t remember.”

“Shit,” Sam muttered under his breath as he crossed his arm.

Suddenly a doctor came in, looking relieved to see Bucky awake.

“Sergeant Barnes,” she greeted. “Glad to see you’re up.”

Bucky narrowed his eyes at her. The way she was talking to him was all too familiar, too informal. Like she knew him as more than just a patient.

“Who’s this?” Bucky asked Steve.

The group shared a look.

Then he looked around the room, not recognizing anything. “Where the hell am I? Is this a hospital?”

“Bucky, you’ve known Dr. Maxfield for almost two years…” Steve finally spoke. “You’re at the Avengers compound.”

“In Midtown?” Bucky asked as he looked out the window to see nothing but trees, grass, and other low-level buildings.

“No, Bucky. We’re Upstate.” Nat sighed. “This is not good.”

——————————————— Everyone kept tossing around the word amnesia.

But Bucky was worried it was something more – something that Hydra hid away in his brain. Yeah, Shuri had cured him. She was certain of it. But maybe Hydra left something else in there if everything else failed, like a reset button.

But it just didn’t go off right.

Bucky felt fine. But it was everyone else’s concerning looks that were stressing him out. 

Even the Avengers looked at him with love and care. He hardly knew them.

Apparently, he was wrong. In the past 5 years, they’d become his comrades, his friends, his family.

And he couldn’t remember any of it.

He only knew them as his two sides of a fight. A fight that he had caused. A fight that forced Steve to split all his friends in half.

That’s what Bucky remembered.

Then Wakanda came after, the only peace he’d known recently.

He couldn’t put a time on how long he’d been in the African country. He also couldn’t remember leaving.

“We were on a mission. You took a blast to the chest,” Steve had to take a moment before he continued. “I’ve never seen someone a hit like that. I was convinced you broke your neck and you’d be dead when I got to you.”

Bucky could hear it in his best friend’s voice: Steve had been terrified.

“I’m fine, punk.” He tried to assure him.

“But you’re not fine. You can’t remember the last 5 years of your life.

“Well, from what you’re all telling me, I wasn’t a brainwashed assassin killing people for Hydra. So, things could be worse.” Bucky smirked.

But Steve was only glaring at him in return. “That’s not funny.”

“Really? I thought it was pretty funny.”

“We’ll figure this out,” Steve thought aloud. “You’ve got your memories back before. You can do it again.”

Bucky was a little taken aback by Steve’s insistence. He hadn’t acted this way last time a similar situation occurred.

Then Bucky realized...last time there were more memories that he hadn’t wanted to remember than there were good ones.

With the way Steve was acting, it was like there things Bucky would regret not remembering.

————————————

Bucky and Sam were sparring.

He’d been spending more time with the man, starting to believe like he was the only person that didn’t make him feel bad for not remembering their friendship.

Bucky started to figure out that the two of them must’ve grown really close over the years. It’s like he could sense it.

The doors of the training room opened.

They’d had the place to themselves, deciding to train at an odd hour.

In walked a young woman.

She was taller than most women. Hell, she was taller than most men. But her shoulder’s were pulled back and she almost glided in with the confidence of an Amazon warrior. Her hair was pulled back, and she was only wearing a black sports bra with her black leggings. Clearly she was there to train too.

Bucky stopped his movements and did a double take at her entrance.

When he looked back at Sam, his gaze was flickering back and forth between Bucky and the girl. But Bucky couldn’t read his face.

“Who’s that?” Bucky asked.

Sam’s jaw clenched. “That’s Y/N. She’s an agent. One of Fury’s.”

Then she noticed the two men and she stopped her entrance.

It was like her and Sam were having a silent conversation. But, without a single word, she quickly turned around and left the training room.

A wave of a guilt washed over him.

Was she scared of him? After 5 years, was he still only the Winter Soldier to the world? Maybe he should’ve stayed in Wakanda. Why had he left in the first place?

“I should actually…” Sam didn’t even finish his sentence before he quickly rushed after the woman.

Bucky didn’t question him or follow. But he did keep thinking about Y/N, wondering why it had been so hard to take his eyes off of her.

——————————-

“She doesn’t talk much,” Bucky muttered quietly to Steve.

He’d ask Bucky to watch the new trainees. “If you can train with a bunch of Winter Soldiers, maybe you can help some of the youngsters out,” Steve had teased him.

But Bucky had only promised to watch from a distance. He didn’t think he was in any place to teach anybody anything.

“Who?” Steve asked without taking his eyes off the recruits.

“The tall, beautiful one,” Bucky nodded subtly in her direction. No one was close enough to eavesdrop. “Y/N,” he added.

She was standing with a couple of the other instructors/agents. But she was the only one not giving any commands. Every so often, she’d show someone how to fix their form. But it was usually silently, only adjusting their body in the correct way.

Steve quickly looked at him. “You know her?”

“Sam told me her name. A few weeks ago, she walked out of the training room as soon as she saw me there. I’m guessing she doesn’t like me very much.”

He was waiting for Steve to shed light on the situation, even just confirm or deny Bucky’s suspicion. But Steve stayed quiet.

After a few minutes, Steve cleared his throat. “She doesn’t talk much because of her ability.”

Bucky’s brow furrowed. “What’s her ability?”

Steve seemed to be having an internal battle on how much or little to tell Bucky. “Psychic seduction through pheromones.”

“Excuse me?”

Steve sighed. “Mind control, Bucky. She can control people with a simple verbal suggestion. She tells people to do something and they have no choice but to do it.”

Mind control. It should’ve scared Bucky more. She embodied the exact thing that had ruined his life and made the world hate him. Everything he still feared, she was capable to executing at any given moment.

But when he looked at her, he didn’t feel any fear.

“Doesn’t look like people are too scared of her…” Bucky observed.

“That’s because most people don’t know. And if they do, they’ve never actually seen her use it.”

Now Bucky was curious. “And have you? Ever seen it, I mean.”

“Yeah,” Steve answered darkly. “Then I saw why she doesn’t want people to know.”

As if she could feel people looking at her and talking about her, Y/N looked over at them. Her gaze locked with Steve’s for a moment before she quickly turned her back on them. “You two friends?” Bucky asked.

“We were,” Steve answered. His tone was sad, but Bucky could tell he was trying to hide it. “She prefers to keep to herself. That’s just how she’s chosen to do deal with it.”

————————————————

A couple months went by and not a single memory from the past five years had come back to Bucky. 

It seemed like his friendships with the team had rebounded faster than he ever expected them to.

“Just because you’ve forgotten them, doesn’t mean they’re going to stop caring about you,” Steve had told Bucky when he seemed confused by it all.

Even with the memories missing, Bucky felt like there was something bigger missing from his life.

He couldn’t fathom what it could possibly be. His life was better than he could’ve ever imagined.

 The Avengers had opened their home to him, welcomed him to their dysfunctional family. Some of the public even considered him a hero.

So why did Bucky still feel like he was missing something? Or was it someone?

Even with all the time that had passed since his recovery in Wakanda, Bucky still couldn’t sleep most nights.

He’d remembered Nat saying something about a pool the other day.

Bucky couldn’t remember the last time he went swimming. So, when he was faced with another sleepless night, he figured he wouldn’t bother spending it tossing and turning.

When he got to the giant indoor pool, the only lights on were those coming from under the water. It made the whole place glow blue.

Except it looked like someone had a similar idea to Bucky.

They were doing laps back and forth.

Despite how fast they were moving, he could at least tell it was a woman in the water.

They stopped at the end Bucky was standing near and gripped the edge to take a moment to rest.

Bucky’s heart sped when he realized it was Y/N.

After all this time, they still hadn’t had a single conversation. But he found himself always looking for her. When he entered a crowed room, she was the first face he searched for. When anyone mentioned her in conversation, he would eavesdrop and try to learn as much about her as he could.

It seemed all the Avengers had been close with her – or still were, like Nat and Sam. But whenever Bucky tried to subtly ask either of them about her, they would always try to change the subject.

Sensing someone was watching her, Y/N looked up from the water.

For once, she didn’t glare at him. She just seemed surprised to see him.

“I’ll go,” Bucky quickly told her. “You were here first.”

But she was already pulling herself out of the water.

The motion made all of her muscles flex and show off her strength, making Bucky stare longer and more intensely at her body than he should’ve.

Bucky should’ve been used to women’s bathing suits in this time period.

Y/N was wearing a one piece, but it was cut so high in the hips and so low in the front that it left little to the imagination.

Bucky didn’t think her legs could be any longer, but the bathing suit was showing him how wrong he was.

Her height was something Bucky still hadn’t gotten over. He saw how it made the majority of men around her cower or desexualize her. Some of them overlooked her for the petite and overtly feminine women. They seemed to hate how she made them look and feel less manly.

Bucky thought those men were idiots.

Y/N didn’t say anything as she walked past him to grab a towel.

“Do you hate me?” Bucky’s mouth betrayed him.

She froze.

“I know there are people who still…I can’t remember everything still.” Then he paused and took a breath. “I’m just trying to figure out if I did something to you…when I was him – no, when I was it.” He rubbed one of his temples. “Did I hurt someone you cared about?”

She watched him struggle for a moment.

But then she gave a stiff shake of her head.

Bucky exhaled with relief. But he knew he wasn’t in the clear. There was still some sort of tension between them.

“You really are shy, huh?” He tried to be playful.

But this just made her scowl at him.

Bucky decided he never wanted to be on the receiving end of that look again.

“I’m not shy,” her voice was loud and clear. And there was nothing shy about it.

“Quiet then,” Bucky offered, still trying to tease her.

“I talk when I need to,” she replied curtly.

He could tell she wanted to leave this conversation. Hell, she tried to run out as soon as she saw him.

But she was giving him a chance to say one last thing. She lingered long enough for it.

Except Bucky was suddenly rendered speechless.

If the Winter Soldier hadn’t effected her life in some way, why did he get the sense that she wanted absolutely nothing to do with him?

Yes, Steve was right when he said she liked to keep to herself. But Bucky had seen her talking to Nat and Sam. He’d seen her laugh. It had made him smile without even being able to hear it because he was so far away. So why couldn’t he be a part of that?

Y/N decided his time was up. “Goodnight, James.”

She passed him without another glance.

“James…” he repeated in a whisper after she’d gone. 

No one called him that here. Not even Steve. It was either Bucky or Sergeant Barnes, which he hated. He didn’t feel worthy of that title anymore, he hadn’t for awhile.

———————————————————

“Barton’s with me,” Tony started calling out teams. “And Barnes is with Y/L/N.”

Steve immediately interrupted and gave a warning look, “Stark!”

“I don’t need a buddy,” Y/N stated evenly.

But Bucky didn’t miss the look her and Steve shared.

“Well, we’re doing the buddy system. You two used to work together swimmingly.” He smirked as Y/N gave him a death glare. “Plus, I pay for everything, so you have to listen to me.”

Bucky could tell that it was taking every single ounce of power for Y/N not to tackle Stark. Even Steve looked like he was ready to play defense.

Before that could happen, Steve dragged Tony to the other side of the jet. Far enough away and too quiet for Bucky to make out any words, but he could tell Steve was pissed.

“I promise I won’t get in your way,” Bucky told Y/N gently when no one else was paying attention to them.

She ignored him.

Bucky took the lead as they weaved in and out of the dark hallways.

There was a shut door at the end. They could both hear at least a dozen men talking amongst themselves on the other side. It was the control room, therefore everyone in there was also carrying at least 3 firearms and a couple of grenades.

Bucky gave her a look that asked if she was ready.

She didn’t look at all stressed or like she was going through the same adrenaline rush that Bucky always did on missions.

But she nodded her head.

Bucky kicked open the door.

Y/N stepped past him so he could only look at her back.

“Everybody freeze,” Y/N yelled.

To Bucky’s shock, not a single muscle so much as twitched.

“All of you, put your weapons on the center of the table,” she talked quietly and calmly, now that she had their attention.

They all had utter fear in their eyes and their bodies responded to the command without their consent.

Bucky slowly lowered his gun as he watched it all.

Y/N eyed him.

Her posture changed suddenly. “You,” she pointed to one of the men. “Stand up.”

He obeyed.

“Pick up that gun,” she pointed to one of the twenty something guns on the table. He obeyed. “Load the chamber,” the gun clicked. “Put the gun in your mouth,” his hand shook as he had no choice but to do as she said. Bucky was breathing heavily.

“I changed my mind. Point it at his head,” she nodded toward a man on the other side of the table.

He obeyed.

Her voice was quick and emotionless.

Both the man with the gun and the man he was aiming at were shaking, eyes filled with tears. All free will had been sucked from them.

Y/N then turned toward Bucky.

She gave him an expression that dared him to tell her to stop.

He stayed silent.

“Put the gun down,” she finally relieved her victim. “All of you, stay in here until exactly 11:09 tomorrow morning. If anyone tries to leave…shoot them.”

Bucky followed her out.

“Control room has been infiltrated. They’ll be waiting and ready to comply when SHILED comes to apprehend them,” Y/N spoke into her comms.

“Nicely done, kid,” Tony was the only one to acknowledge her.

Y/N gave Bucky a look. “Still want to be friends with me?” She challenged.

Bucky knew what she was trying to do. He knew that she was trying to scare him, to push him away. She was telling him to drop all and any efforts of trying to get to know her.

It wasn’t until they were on the jet home that he sat down next to her, looking straight ahead, and said, “You don’t scare me.”

-------------

Part 2

I know I shouldn’t be writing one-shots when I have a series to finish. But I was bored and then I got inspired and I couldn’t help myself.  Let me know what you think. 

[itsybitsylemonsqueezy]

Please now I am desperate for a Baba breakdown from you. Favorite part of him? Least favorite? What would you change? What do you think is unchangeable? *pleading face*

Oh, I see I’ve sparked an interest ^^; Of course I’ll talk about the best little whore in all of Japan, Baba Shigeki xp 

I joke, but like... have you seen Y5? He’s not leaving much up to interpretation, tbh : | And I love that! Baba is a really fantastic and well-executed RGG character and it’s a shame so much of fandom is sleeping on him. (I know mostly it’s that it takes people awhile to get to Y5 ^^; )

Baba occupies a really important space in the Yakuza universe, the assassin. He’s an important reminder that not Everyone in this universe is a moralistic do-gooder. People like Majima and Kiryu are in fact in the minority. Most of the yakuza are thugs, people ready and willing to hurt others and even kill. And we’ve had assassins before in Kazama and Sera, but they’re mostly out of our hand. We don’t know them too well personally. and that makes sense, they’re the previous generation, their values and choices are reflective of a different time. Our time is largely shaped by Kiryu, he is the yakuza messiah. But just because he’s king god of the criminal underworld doesn’t mean that the underworld isn’t still... y’know, dark and harsh. Especially since Kiryu renounced his throne. 

And Baba is the stark reminder of that. I had been waiting for a long time for us to come into contact with a yakuza member who didn’t fall in line when we finally got to Baba. Because, as we all like to point out, Kiryu’s version of this job is pretty rose-colored and naive. HE might be able to only fight bad people and to use his power to help others, but so few of us are in that position. Kiryu is king god, there are no challenges for him, there’s nothing stopping him, literally. So he CAN just do whatever he wants, up to and including being a good person. Most of us aren’t that lucky, just look at Majima. But even Majima, after a time, gets to be a good person and amasses enough power that he can be nice without it being a death threat. But they’re gods, legends. Your average yakuza member is some punk kid who grew up to being a punk adult who has a shitty boss to answer to and dues to pay. Sometimes there isn’t a convenient bad person to pick on. Sometimes, to save your own neck, you gotta take money from people smaller than you. Sometimes you gotta intimidate and scare people. Sometimes you gotta do unpleasant things to please the boss, to make ends meet, to hold up your end. Not all of us have the luxury of making moral choices. 

And Baba is in a worse position than most. Baba isn’t big and tough. He doesn’t have the physical might to be a brawler, so he can’t be some street thug. His options in life likely weren’t great. Probably an orphan, probably had no one to look after him. So he grew teeth fast and figured out quick that ain’t nobody gonna take care of him, he was gonna have to take care of himself. With a body and face like his, he could easily enter sex work of some kind but that job is punishing for a whole other list of reasons. And Baba’s no dummy, he’s canny, he’s strategic. No, he’s smart enough to use his body to dupe others. He knows people trust his angel face. And there’s more money and more security to be had in a job of violence than selling himself to the highest bidder and forever being at someone else’s beck and call. My bet is Baba’s plan was to make enough money as an assassin that he could retire and live out his life in peace where no one would bother him. And his training as n assassin would keep people off his back. Baba decided a long time ago it is MUCH better to be feared than loved. Can’t rely on love, can’t trust it. But fear, people listen to fear. 

So I LOVE that we finally get the perspective of someone who didn’t get any breaks in life, who wasn’t blessed with divine strength, or lucked into a special position. Baba had to struggle for everything and it made him sharp and it made him paranoid. He doesn’t like killing people, it’s not fun, but he’s so scared of what will become of himself, he can’t bear to stop. He can’t afford to make moral choices. He has to survive, above all things, he has to survive. So another assignment in a prison? Sure, why not. Get close to a guy he has to take out later? Sure, he’s done it before. He’s a great spy, a great flirt. And it makes him feel better to sneer over people too stupid to see through him. They get what they deserve if they believe his honeyed lies. He doesn’t have to mourn his actions if they deserved it. Wash his hands, move on to the next mark. 

Saejima should have been no different. And for awhile, it’s easy. Saejima’s a big dumb hunk of meat. All Baba has to do is bat his pretty eyes and look like he needs help. Piece of cake. But Saejima... is different. Oh, he’s duped, sure enough, he’s gentle and sympathetic and protective, all the things Baba needs, but... One of the reasons Baba hated his past marks so much and felt no remorse killing them, is they all wanted something from him. Every last one of them thought they could get something from him, usually his body, but sometimes not. Every one of them was a selfish piece of shit who would have used him just as surely as Baba is using them right back. But Saejima... Saejima doesn’t want anything. He doesn’t try anything. Even when Baba flirts, even when Baba offers, Saejima acts like he doesn’t understand. The fuck??? It starts to anger Baba, the way Saejima just looks at him blankly and shrugs off invitations. Who does this guy think he is, think he’s better than him? Baba will make him understand, make him want him. Still Saejima is stunned and still he seems to only respond because Baba is asking him to, not because deep down Saejima was trying to use him to. 

Baba can’t... he can’t accept that. That can’t be real. If Saejima really was just helping him because... because he likes him or something, because he’s nice... no, that’s wrong. No one’s good and no one’s nice. Everyone’s out for themselves. No one goes out of their way for each other. Because if they did... then why did no one ever help Baba before? He wraps himself in sureness that Saejima’s just stupid and his selfish instincts are really in there, they’re just slow to appear. He’s just like all the others, he’d kick Baba to the curb the same as anyone else and then... Baba doesn’t have to feel bad about killing him. Then Baba can pull the trigger and all of this will be done. 

He’s sure, without a doubt in his mind, when he feels his hands slip off Saejima on that snowmobile and he’s sent flying, his last conscious thought is that he’ll die here. He’s almost happy. Because then he’d be right. Saejima will have left him and he’d be right. And, maybe just a little, he’s happy that he won’t have to kill Saejima either. Maybe this is best. 

It is the shock of his life when Baba wakes up. He wakes up and he’s warm and indoors and there’s a fire going and weak broth and Saejima hovering over him with a spoon going “You’re awake!" Baba starts crying and Saejima assumes it’s the shock and holds him, actually fucking holds him and... Baba doesn’t think he can do this anymore. How is he supposed to kill the one person who’s ever been nice to him? How is he supposed to look Saejima in the eye and shoot him? Oh god, Saejima should have left him there to die, he should have, he should have... why is Saejima so fucking stupid, why doesn’t Saejima suspect? 

The next couple of weeks are some of the worst Baba’s ever spent. Saejima’s nicer than ever, cuddly and affectionate and warm, and Baba feels sick with guilt. See, this is why he only kills stupid people. This is why he only killed people who deserved it. He can’t... bear this. Pointing the gun at Saejima is the hardest thing he’s ever had to do. But he has to, his whole life has been about this, his life above anyone else’s. If he can’t kill Saejima then... what was it all for? What had it all been about? He’s crying. He’s actually fucking crying like a little bitch and he can’t stop. It’s weak, it’s pathetic, but he just wants Saejima to take the gun out of his hand, to tell him it’s going to be okay, to take him home. Saejima screams at him and Baba falls apart. Saejima swoops in on him, holds him close, takes the gun and tells him it’s all going to be okay. It won’t... in the back of his mind, Baba knows even if he fails here, he still has half a job to do. But the fact that... everything out in the open, true colors showing, Saejima is still hugging him and refusing to let go... Baba sinks into that for a minute and believes that maybe there is something else he could do with his life. 

Oh... I have feelings about Baba Shigeki ^^; I love him to death I wouldn’t change a thing. The only thing I want is for Saejima to take Baba home and bring him into the Tojo and then we’re all a weird dysfunctional family together ^^; That’s my dream. Friends and family for Baba X3

[mattamyers]

My long journey of healing has continued

It’s been years since my last blog post. I’ve decided I will start to post a log of my days, when my mental energy allows, when I feel well or positive or organized enough to do so. I’m not sure how this practice will evolve, however I’m wanting to actively start sharing my story, where I’m at, so people can start to get to know me - and what my days are like, how my life is hopefully evolving, moving forward - as well as the difficulties I face daily. What’s changed most recently is that the last stem cell treatment I did in the Cayman Islands has improved my executive function and recovery time from activity more, where posting regularly of longer form text seems like a possibility now - at least in this fairly stream of consciousness, limited organizational executive function way. Unfortunately the post-LASIK eye pain (corneal neuralgia) has proved itself to be the mainstay of pain, causing the majority of the executive function disruption, dysfunction. Yes, I struggle dealing with a varying degree of severity of being suicidal. No, once I decide I can’t do this anymore then I will not be letting anyone know - I have already tried multiple times to get help in our healthcare system, to which I was exposed to what in the future will be considered barbaric care provided due to a number of factors, however heavily due to indoctrination and a lack of multidisciplinary understanding and care; as which as I hopefully am able to share, you will see highlighted in my multiyear effort to help save Taylor, a friend, save her from from the broken system and from herself and her coping mechanism, who is trapped in it due to the funnel toward hospitalization and under care of the non-multidisciplinary care of psychiatric doctors - where that profession somehow has been allowed to capture and have a monopoly on a person’s care even if physical symptoms play a primary role in their dis-ease; the system having allowed her dis-ease progression to continue over years - most recently seeing how inadequate and arguably negligent care provided by not only doctors who are in control of her during hospitalization but also by legal aid that was provided her.

I’m not inherently broken, I’m not clinically depressed. As I’ve healed myself further and follow holistic health practices I’ve strengthened my nervous system, and unfortunately that has only had the affect of allowing me to feel pain more clearly, sharply - in higher definition, resolution. I can still smile, have a conversation - story tell and reason. What’s difficult for people to understand is how the constant, strong pain that refers from my eyes (primarily right eye) affects and sensitizes my nervous system - how that is a constant battle that exhausts me mentally and causes my executive function to be greatly impaired as well - increasingly so with added stress, physical or emotional - and tied to that the more potential emotion or stress tied into a decision, with more complex decisions being worse or having a stronger aversion, the more difficult it is to move forward - to get past the pain. Most of my days, weeks, are full of frustrations, exhaustion, of reminders of where I am at and what my life is like - how stagnant it is. I do my best to be on a positive line of thought, to having and being able to hold onto hope - for my projects and toward finding a solution that may help me tolerate the eye pain by reducing it further.

If I can successfully rally my designer friends to be able to help focus me and to help move the presentation forward for my greater plans, my vision for a health-wellness differentiated ecosystem - and ultimately towards building a city to compete with the status quo - their help to develop and refine the plan, then they may give me enough hope to keep fighting through the eye pain until hopefully research finds a solution to heal it with stem cells, regenerative medicine.

January 29, 2020

8:35am

I’ve parked myself now at Balzac’s Ryerson. I took the bus and had three nice interactions on the way. The first was letting someone who was running for the bus and about to get an an almost crammed bus, that another bus was right behind. He thanked me and made sure I got on first. At the next stop a man was at the back doors which I was sitting behind, however no one was getting out - I tried to push the bars to open the door but the green lights weren’t on since the stop wasn’t requested. He thanked me, smiling as he walked towards me from the front. The final interaction was the man sitting next to me, who turned out to one a first year student at Ryerson in Urban and Regional Planning. He was reading a book by Jane Jacobs, which I asked if it was worth reading. I told him first that after high school I first went to Ryerson, in his current program, though filtered myself out after first year due to not seeing myself having that career for the next 40+ years; irony perhaps that all along I was developing necessary skills, knowledge, and experience toward creating my New City and New City model. Everyone else on the bus was relatively asleep, unengaged, unsocial.

8:50am

I hadn’t used my laptop much yesterday, except a little before bed and the screen at a distance - less than 5 minutes really. Today I’m already feeling the eye pain increasing significantly compared to what I felt anytime yesterday, and how much it’s distracting my thinking, mental organization.

9:05am

Since my last stem cell treatment in the Cayman Islands significantly healing in particular my cervical and lumbar spine, I can be more mobile and the pain is reduced enough where if I don’t completely overdo it, I can have some level of executive function to manage myself. However now I am able to experience this contrast of more mobility - which keeps me away from my laptop screen - with how strongly my laptop screen triggers the burning sensation, pain of my eyes (most noticeably my right eye) and its cascading symptoms of headache and fascial tension increasing in my body. My focusing ability is decreasing from where I started before being in front of my screen, however how far it will degrade compared to before, I am still getting used to - however I can feel a building mental exhaustion as I’m having to counter, push against the aversion caused by the increase of pain triggered by the laptop screen light.

9:21am

My right eye more easily wants to shut too, an autonomous guard mechanism to protect itself, compared to yesterday throughout most of the day.

9:50am

I have been wanting to focus on, direct my attention, to finishing - so I can conclude my attention - the past week, especially the last few days, of a very heavily emotional and stressful event where I’ve been trying my best to help save a close friend I’ve known for a few years - to save her from herself, and from our healthcare system that has been adequate and negligent in her care - and is currently hospitalized, again, where he disease progression has been able to worsen because of specific, narrow scope of psychiatric care ignoring the importance of body health — in Taylor’s case needing proper treatment - a safe container, environment - to treat gut, sensory disorder (hypersensitivity; autistic characteristic), and for

“The lesser of two evils” - sharing Taylor’s story from my observations vs. being afraid and not exposing the system with an actual real person, case study to reference in high detail from a narrow and holistic view - while respecting privacy and not exposing any identifiable details that only doctors or other people Taylor shared with could would be the “lesser of two evils” as Taylor likes to say; and hopefully everyone has the integrity and rigor to not share what they shouldn’t, particularly if bound by privacy laws.

10:28am

As the body pain, from walking the amount I have today - from house to closest TTC bus stop, from destination stop to cafe, and around cafe a bit to purchase tea, water refills, and bathroom break(s) - has been calming, desensitizing, localizing - I’m more clearly able to feel the tension and soreness referring from my right eye, down through my right ear, down back of my neck on right side, and so on. When I close my eyes, right eye in particular, the desensitizing, localization can start to unwind relatively quickly before compared to the Cayman Islands treatment - however the discomfort is still quite distracting. I am curious — and afraid to go to acupuncture again, which I went too a short bit before going to the Caymans - not having done acupuncture for at least 2 years — to see how strongly acupuncture now will clear as it does, and how strongly it leaves me specifically and clearly feeling the right eye pain as an intense burning, searing sensation - which last time lasted for 8 hours or so, that sensation only diminishing as my body re-sensitized and therefore masked out the perception of the eye pain; it makes me wonder if others who have done LASIK, if they had clearly flowing, non-stagnant energy to begin or even if doing acupuncture for long enough to open their energy flows up  - would experience post-LASIK symptoms differently, more clearly than before opening their body up; similarly regarding Ayahuasca ceremonies, marijuana use, or other psychedelics.

I believe more now too that since the neck and jaw pain has been healed more - reducing the masking, allowing me to more clearly feel what’s going on in these sensitization vs. localization flows/cycles due to pain - that the right eye pain’s referring pain sensitizes (makes hypersensitive) the tissue on the right side of my jaw increases, the soreness, and pain increases - even with limited to no use from chewing food (I haven’t eaten yet today). The sensitization of my teeth seems more clear now too, which at the moment I can feel much more than when I first woke up this morning - in line with the jaw pain increasing too.

11am

I just stepped away to the bathroom to go pee. As I was sitting — something I’ve been doing for a long while because for a long time was too difficult to relax enough to pee standing, my body didn’t trust standing if more relaxed — I closed my eyes and let myself relax as much as I could. During this time I could start feeling muscles in my jaw and face on the right side fluttering, spasming some. I hadn’t felt the jaw muscles spasms, fluttering before, only muscles around and closer to my right eye that I could feel where that’d happen — something I haven’t actually written much about or maybe not even at all; it’s the muscles being able to start relaxing but still not quite able to, with the reduced constant pain of my eye being closed for that short period after sensitization.

I’m able to more easily notice, along side with the pattern cascading from the right eye pain when I open my eyes each morning, when sitting and trying to be in a more relaxed state, in slouching posture and using back of chair to rest again — that my neck still wants to go into a more back and to a right position — something that before I couldn’t as easily allow, because perhaps the guard mechanism pattern was pulling my neck back too strongly, from there being too much pain being referred; it’s possible that that guard mechanism is triggered, such as that if say a “present moment” injury to the eye was occurring — a good, natural quick, rapid action reflex, would be to pull your head back and away; it was only in the last few months that I started theorizing that, and now that I’ve continued to have substantial neck pain from injuries healed - I wonder 1 )how much is still due to remaining injury, 2) how much is due to old patterns that need time to trust the neck and surrounding tissues are safe (as they dance and slowly heal with physiotherapy etc), and 3) how much of that reflex is caused by the referring pain from my right eye?

12:22pm

I can feel that I’m still reconnecting to and slowly processing stress from the last week, the last few days. It’s good, very good that my body can start to processing things emotionally more easily again since last treatment even with a relatively higher amount of physical activity compared to before — but unfortunately still what that means — as to the reason why there was such resistance, difficult, aversion to emotion processing before — that I’m grounding, grinding into my body - with the friction of the aversion to remaining pain — and where the post-LASIK eye pain is still the primary contributor; I do wonder and theorize that there is an abnormal inflammatory response (perhaps EDS related or that causes similar symptoms of EDS) - whether in brain and/or body - that leads to a central sensitization affect [effect?] to cascade so strongly, and therefore that many people who has done LASIK don’t have the same level of severe symptoms.

1:06pm

Taylor just texted me again. I responded saying I didn’t need the fork and plastic container her mother took home to finish the food I brought Taylor to dine with her in the hospital on some quality food that would be safe for her - steak and kale, to get high calorie and nutrient dense food in her, in with what little she eats due to an aversion from years long untreated gut pain and nausea; I said I don’t care to spend the time, energy, or money to go to her mother’s to pick it up, and to take care.

Taylor continued to reply in her usual way which I won’t outline here. She communicates often by referencing songs for how she feels that she believes relates to the current situation. I took that opportunity to then respond in equal by saying the song that came to me was In the Arms of the Angel Sarah McLachlan - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3pvf_OBuJVE - as well as to notify her I was blocking her phone number again, and that she can email me if she wants - however that I don’t know how often I will check it; long ago I started having to block her phone number at different points, and redirect her emails to automatically archive - so I don’t see them unless I search for her email, in order to protect myself from being triggered or pulled into what can emails or texts as bombardments to well-thought out pleads that she needs help - intelligent, and eloquent, and an expert seductress as one of her coping mechanisms to bring in various qualities of support, company, as a means to distract herself; always as her most desperate, in her darkest hours, has she consciously and even once subconsciously (where her ego mind boundaries and controls for respecting someone else’ wishes to not contact me through phone directly getting superseded by a short-circuiting of sorts due to how degraded, ungrounded, destabilized her thinking has become — reached out to me again with a different phone number; this has happened 6+ times over the last 2+ years — where I learn more, understand her patterns, and how deeply the inadequate care goes with her recurring hospitalizations into psychiatric care over these years as well.

To be fair, it only feels right to share: my voluntarily hospitalization December 2017 is when I first met her in hospital. I had been struggling for over a year at that point with debilitating pain that severely fucked up my executive function. My decision making, mental organization, emotional processing — and in general anything related to thinking about moving forward — the planning triggering a slight stress as a preparation into the body readying to actually move, causing an aversion due to even thought about moving forward/organization of future — was extremely difficult. The only coping that worked was greatly limiting my activity every day, reducing any possible irritants from diet as much as possible, and usually I’d keep my right eye closed for up to hours every morning after waking up to slow how quickly the post-LASIK eye pain would ramp up and sensitize the rest of my body and its pain, making it hypersensitive to pain. That day in 2017 I knew if I had gone home I would have taken my life, having desperately struggled for around a year by that point to find support to help me with tasks - with organizing, planning — for basic things as well as for finding somewhere to do more stem cell treatments (longer story I won’t share now), with more complex tasks with more steps being more difficult, a stronger aversion, towards acting including on how much emotion would be surrounding or behind the decision or action that needed to be taken.

1:33pm

I’m sitting by the door at Balzac’s - was only window seat available when I arrived. I just got a chill that reminded me that a few nights ago while laying in bed ready to fall asleep, my whole body - both right and left side together, shook in a wave as my body reacted to warm up a bit; I had never experienced or perceived that feeling before, at least not that clearly or in such high definition.

1:40pm

I finally checked a voicemail someone left. It was an automated call to confirm — a 2nd time — for an endocrinology appointment I have coming up to test my hormone levels; another long story to outline the stupidity of understanding this may be a cause to the fatigue I experience or then towards actual diagnosis.

2:04pm

I just went pee again. Relaxed sitting position, closed my eyes, the face muscle fluttering started again. I tried this time instead to do some alternate nostril-breathing (with thumb/pinky to physically block each nostril) to see if it would help - and it did seem to help whatever energy was struggling to flow, to pass, to flow; https://www.healthline.com/health/alternate-nostril-breathing

The amplified symptoms I’ve experienced has lead me to re-realize that the body relaxing more easily while having the eyes closed is natural, a mechanism whereby once your eyes are open — tense your body and fascia for movement, and presumably when your eyes are closed, start to relax your fascia — which at length is during sleep, when you want your body and tissues to be as open as possible for best blood and other fluid flow to be as unrestricted as possible; inflammation is linked to Alzheimers-Dementia as channels in brain that want to open during sleep to clear toxins, waste, efficiently — can’t, it’s easy to conclude that similar dis-ease can progress in the body for rest of the tissues in brain, and where dis-ease state could progress quickly if an overall unhealthy system is already at its tolerance of regenerating, regulating immune system for clearing the body of cancer, etc.

January 30, 2020

Summary of yesterday:

I am roughly transcribing this from an audio recording I made before getting out of bed. I’ve done that a lot over this last year, it’s allowed me to share without getting out of bed agitating the pain, without opening my right eye or having my left eye open much except for initially recording. A friend awhile ago suggested setting up voice activated recording - I just haven’t been able to focus enough, direct myself to that task, with everything else going on; it would help but obviously I do need to open both my eyes at some point during the day anyway, and even if I don’t open them, if I become active with thinking just the movement of my eyes with my eyelids closed increasingly agitates and increases the pain from the eyes anyway.

All I want to finish with saying is to say that what Taylor is going through, it exposes many things that are wrong with our system. I won’t begin to go into the detail here, however I have written much and will continue to clarify and evolve my understanding, write the story, in hopes of saving Taylor and anyone else who is hurt more and left suffering longer by the system; the doctor kept her hospitalized, was forcing a tribunal on her where he’d present a case to force medication on her she doesn’t want (meanwhile after multiple hospitalizations over the years they still ignore and don’t treat her gut pain, nausea - nor care to understand its consequences - nor are they or do they provide safe food for her, nor do they manage and control to only provide food that is part of helping stabilize her). The largest failure is that somehow the field of psychiatry has been given a monopoly on care when mental health is involved - allowing non-multidisciplinary care to continue.

I will leave you with a video to show the new hope coming for all in the near future, that Presidential candidate Andrew Yang tweeted - saying it was the greatest video he’s ever seen: https://twitter.com/AndrewYang/status/1222736120930295808

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h7crf0mzhws

10:22am

I finally got frustrated enough to return a phone call to book an echocardiogram. It seemed now that the pain is lower, allowing the frustration to build was easier — and then I could turn that into action much easier than prior to the Cayman Islands treatment. Making this call was a relatively low stress, unloaded decision toward action - compared to say the reason behind and how loaded making an appointment requiring a trip to an eye specialist, researcher in Boston, who I was recommended to make an appointment with - that has a lot of weight, resistance behind it - which I won’t go into reasoning for, having stopped me so far from booking an appointment with him.

Why I need an echocardiogram is part of determining a possible diagnosis of EDS — “Ehlers-Danlos syndrome (EDS) is a disease that weakens the connective tissues of your body. These are things like tendons and ligaments that hold parts of your body together. EDS can make your joints loose and your skin thin and easily bruised. It also can weaken blood vessels and organs.” It seems I have enough symptoms that it’s possible I do. There were two people that suggested it — a person online I briefly messaged with, and then one of the doctors at the stem cell clinics — whereby they were trying to help me problem solve why I report a much higher pain for tissue damage, some of which they can see in imaging, however that I report more highly than they’d expect. I will eventually write in detail about this.

I just realized, as part of an experiment, that reading along while I type helps keep my mind focused, on track, for what I’m writing about — noticing that trying to think to allow fluid flow of thought to continue if not looking could work — simply trying to remember what I just said in order to continue typing without looking — is at least impossible for me at this point, maybe a skill that can be developed or not; it wouldn’t be a useful skill unless someone like me was trying to problem solve how to find ways to reduce the issues related to the post-LASIK pain, some of which I theorize in part has to do — gets triggered more with use of the eyes, the surface and tension changes of the eye has focal distance (and other) changes, from near to far, etc.

11:04am

I think paying to have a space for me to work, a cowering space, would be good for me socially - outside of my current primary destination to be around people, busyness, distractions of Balzac’s cafe. I was reminded, had memories arise, a few weeks ago when I was in a Lyft shared ride that ended up going down around the Queen and Spadina area. I was reminded of the time spent in a coworking space I started working out of with my then new girlfriend and business partner I brought into helping me with I Live Yoga - in particular with outreach and support. Along with the memories were the feelings of good experiences that were able to make it up through the new level of reduced pain from my last stem cell treatment. It made me think at the time that I’d like to get back to that place. At the time I was still unsure, doubtful if I’d ever be able to get there, get back to the point where Anastasia and I were excited about life, in a good routine, working and passionate about a project we both loved — and that was ready to start scaling; my physical pain had started to become too much for me to handle however, and though I struggled to keep things going, at one point I had to give up — let go. The relationship with Anastasia ended and psychologically it was very difficult to let my “baby” go — as is often referred to as an entrepreneur’s project — especially since for at least a year I was using the project as a mental distraction, focus for the pain. I kept trying and essentially being reminded that it was too hard, and then making bad decisions. Ultimately it was the last try two big attempts to keep ILY alive and moving forward, to find to find good, capable people to move ILY forward without much guidance from me were: 1) attempted to hire someone to takeover Anastasia’s role of outreach and support, and 2) hire a local designer — who ultimately took $5,000 from me, an initial deposit out of a first section of work worth $10,000, and ended up doing barely any work. I will eventually write in more detail about this: I will name her as well as a consequence of consequences that lasting forever — karma — until they are righted, or ignored, and then light can be shone for those who pay attention to me — highlighting that this is how this person conducts themselves. These consequences, bad, hurtful behaviour lacking integrity or simply exposing unskilled or underdeveloped behaviour — where a point of learning is the opportunity presenting itself, if only for a safe container was present to allow it. This karma, consequences, trickle through time — allowing for multi-generation dis-ease progression in all aspects of life. Karma is still playing out and trickling through society, our energies, frequencies, decisions — from major suffering and events such as Nazi Germany and every new suffering starts a new ripple that will all need to be addressed. It must all be addressed by individuals. This allows for healing to happen in a decentralized manner — and allows for people at different parts of dis-ease or on path towards healing, enlightenment — being enlightened, developing understanding and compassion — and so even those who may be repressed in places like China, the light will make it through the cracks — which all rigid containers will increasingly have as pressure mounts; whether that is your ego mind’s control, guard of “protecting” you from fear/trauma and scarcity mindset, or a nation state who wants to contain what knowledge and information is spreading; these are both a condition, a dis-ease state, a symptom of ego mind’s greed and control going unchecked within oneself.

When I have kept my movement and activity greatly limited as I still must, I am able likewise to get glimpses and enjoyment at the thought for a goal I had roughly a decade ago: to be leading yoga classes, to further develop my own yoga practice and to guide others to teach them what I learned — also developing my own skill of speaking and holding space while actively guiding people in the present moment.

Someday I’d like to find and be able to afford, and be able to handle the added activity of going to (or perhaps they could travel to me?), singing lessons — so I can improve, develop my voice, for a growing list playlist that I’ve entitled New Life that I’ve been building mostly for motivation, a reminder that I at times have played multiple times daily as a distraction from the pain.

I’d also like to learn basketball, so if I ever decide it necessary to run for Prime Minister of Canada to get Canada on course, then I’d challenge current Presidential candidate Andrew Yang to - and kick his ass - in a game of basketball; a more physical activity that I may never be able to do again however — so I’ll just have to enjoy the thought of being able to hangout with Yang.

11:41am

I still have strong emotional resistance (PTS) to diving into and finishing an update reply for Dr. Trotter on behalf of Taylor. I don’t know if I will get to it today - there’s ultimately no real rush as she’s in hospital and he only returns from vacation a week from now. I need to recover further and be in the healthiest, low activity level, routine again for at least a few days before I will be able to approach the task again.

11:47am

I can quite clearly now feel, notice, that while I have been wearing my reading glasses when writing and on my laptop — I just picked up my phone and was looking, writing some texts, and as I did so — with the straining or even just putting things into focus, that the eye pain very clearly increased as I was doing so; this to me confirms to me, a theory I’ve had over these years especially when my pain level was much higher, that the post-LASIK pain has created an aversion to my eyes working properly, normally, a resistance to changing focal points (as part of the symptoms, part of it disrupting autonomous function including tearing, moisturizing, of the eyes — that LASIK has been successful in dumbing down, minimizing, their #1 symptom of “dry eye syndrome” as something you can just use moisturizing drops as the solution to it); te regulatory capture and unquestioned loyalty or review by the industry and professionals in the field, incentivized by profits, is disturbing - and one of many issues that society must actively become better acknowledging — identifying, studying, paying attention to in order to develop industry-wide critical thinking in all practitioners involved.

1:21pm

I’m starting to allow myself again to checkout attractive women. I guess I’m ready to experiment again to see if the reduced pressure on my nervous system allows me better to manage sexual energy building, and unfolding as that does into emotions and managing of relationships of more potential intensity, emotionally and physical activity wise. Maybe I will start playing with the idea of dating again, making plans with potential partners; an “exciting” idea however one I have had to drop previously the last few attempts due to the pain level still being too high.

1:34pm

I decided I may fast today. That would allow me to — after being tired and mentally exhausted from Balzac’s — to go to Bampot Teahouse and hopefully stay there for a few more hours before I’d otherwise be hungry. It’d also help to more quickly clear the inflammation I caused from the sugar/junk I ate yesterday. If I do this I’ll take the probiotic tonight at minimum.

1:50pm

My body energy is quite low at the moment though — primarily I think as I’m likely out of a ketogenic state, so it might be a good idea to eat something tonight to let my body recover faster anyway.

January 31, 2020

Summary of yesterday:

The day that had become positive, later in the day, after my mental energy being exhausted - grounding me into my body and the pain, the eye pain - knocked me back down to reality again. I can’t date. The exciting ideas or plans for ideas are fantasy. I was reminded that even if I have a very productive or positive day then the next few days when my mental energy is lower, it’s more difficult to impossible to concentrate enough to distract myself from the pain. This last stem cell treatment, as predicted as the pattern has continued, allowed me to feel the eye pain more clearly, feel how it cascades and refer down my body more easily.

I don’t know how I am even going to afford my own cost of living soon, let alone the idea of paying additionally to have a coworking space to work out - as an alternate to Balzac’s cafe that I am bored of going to so often, for so long. And I still don’t have a routine that makes life tolerable. Streaming at night can be nice, however it is mentally exhausting itself. The Joe Rogan style podcast I had thought could be a nice thing to do to socialized, meet people, and chat regularly hasn’t gotten setup and I wouldn’t be able to organize and manage it anyway. Likewise the money I’ve had to spend on stem cell treatments and will continue to need to spend indefinitely on unknown future diagnostics or future treatments is money that originally I had wanted to use to move my projects forward. Ideally I could raise $420k to hire contract workers to help me finish designs and specifications to then find developers to get estimates from - but developing a presentation and putting in the ground work to reaching out, meeting with, family offices to get them onboard and convince them of my plan: $420k, $4.2mm, $42mm rounds and sharing a high detailed plan for each along with an executive summary - the presentation itself will be difficult for me to compile, and then the ground work, leg work necessary, will certainly be too difficult for me due to the highly limited activity I must maintain in order to have more than less tolerable days.

Feb 2, 2020

Summary of yesterday:

I was planning originally to make a “summary of yesterday” - yesterday, but it didn’t happen. It was overall a bad day to which I was just waiting for 4pm when two designer friends, Akshay and Salar, were supposed to come over. They eventually made their way to me around 6pm. It was or wasn’t a very productive meeting. The purpose was to try to help onboard their help so I can try to move my projects forward, in part to decide a path, a strategy for what to focus on - for where they could help me and for where I could try to focus and use my limited mental energy to hopefully guide them towards helping move things forward at a pace that allows me hope.

I don’t know how much to share from the meeting. I don’t want to get lost, summarizing points from last night - of which there are two recordings of to hopefully review at some point for reminders, lost in that my mental focus gets spent where I can no longer conclude this to a point where I am “comfortable” publishing it - where I don’t concern myself of sharing “too much” that leads me to wanting to expand on what I mean, without having to continue a thought by injecting a relatable quote like “first they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win” for how grandeur my vision has evolved to; Gandhi, and as you may be able to tell, I like and tend towards being thorough - it’s a challenge until it will become a gift.

Feb 4, 2020

The hardest part to sharing my experience is that when it is most difficult it is most difficult to share about the difficulty. And perhaps as a natural fail-safe prevention mechanism, if I am to pass there are certain things I want left a certain way, however completing them, organizing them with how difficult the pain already disables me from doing so easily is even worse when I have lost hope and am struggling and too stuck in the pain, and so the final 3 or 4 things I hope to have organized before I go haven’t really been able to get done. I am at the point now where I will just let go and forgive myself for not articulating what should be to expose certain fights for what is wrong in systems in society.

I just got 1 of 5 things done - sent an email as final attempt to try to find someone trustworthy to help my mom finish her house so she has a peaceful place for retirement. 2 of 5 will be posting this. 3 of 5 will be emailing a naturopath with an update re: Taylor although I am no longer hopeful she will have a container that will actually lead her to problem solving her issues, so unlikely anything will come from it. 4 of 5 will be briefly updating long form version of Taylor story. 5 of 5 is trying to compile what I can about the post-LASIK eye pain, what I have tried to heal my body including the eye pain, and how the eye pain has remained the constant and the majority cause of the executive function troubles I have - as has become more and more obvious as I have healed significant pain in the rest of my body nearing having likely more than 10 stem cell treatments now over the last 3+ years; something I would hope to share with the Boston eye doctor/researcher, with the lawyer who filed the Canadian class action lawsuit against LASIK and the doctor who did my surgeries, and in general for the community in general and perhaps the “Lasik Complications Support Group” on Facebook - so maybe anything that I tried would give them insight into what might help them or perhaps help problem solve a solution.

Aside from trying to get these final 5 things written, I no longer am going to attempt to write anything regarding to who would get my business projects, life’s work - Elon Musk and Dr. Jordan Peterson can share ownership if either of them wants my domains, designs, what I’ve written and so on; likely not because they are compiled well enough to transfer - though they would together both be most competent at understanding the ecosystem of platforms, holistic scale, and multidisciplinary health-wellness approach of my plans. I also no longer am going to attempt to fill out a form that is prerequisite to trying MDMA-assisted psychotherapy - a hope I had that maybe it would reduce stress in my body enough to make the pain more tolerable, however I am quite certain it is the ongoing, constant, trauma from the eye pain - though certainly it has made these past years also full of trauma. I am just trying to get myself to an appointment Feb 19th to try AmbioDisk for my right eye, and then to get to 2 more stem cell treatments in San Francisco - however it is difficult to even bother trying to hold on to get to those because the AmbioDisk, if my eye can tolerate it, will only help while wearing it - and it will be a brutal, impossibly strong reminder once I have to expose my eye to air again, and the stem cell treatments though they will reduce pain in my body again - that, as every other time as resulted in, will result in my just feeling the eye pain more clearly, and how it refers out and sensitizes my body.

Feb 5, 2020

One reason I don’t want to actually post this is due to the large amount of explanation that hasn’t happened, describing everything I have tried, all the failures of our healthcare system - especially our “mental health” system - and still where no one has offered me an opiate prescription, so aside from having taken them post stem cell treatments for a few days - I don’t know if long-term it would make the pain and limited function tolerable enough to not constantly be struggling. Having, trying to explain over and over and over again over the years to different doctors, answering the same line of questions over and over and over again - never really getting much deeper into actually problem solving or trying to provide treatment options that may help. I am just done with this Canadian health “care” system - no one is going to know the true extent of incompetence, how broken it is, I don’t see myself being around to write about it. I will try to post the “Saving Taylor” post and update so there is a public record of it, 100% chance it won’t change anything unless someone actively pushes for investigation and change for oversight and accountability.

This is how much I normally struggle, at least 50% of the time I am trying to dredge at the bottom, where it’s dark - but regardless of how well I stick to a routine, to limiting my activity, to eating cleanly, to optimizing to have mental energy to counter the physical pain - to counter the disruption from the eye pain and the executive dysfunction it causes, the baseline dysfunction caused by the eye pain hasn’t improved in years, there is no routine or baseline that is tolerable; the two times the eye pain did permanently improve some with each treatment - first with autologous serum eye drops and then ProKera I did for each eye - the noticeable permanent reduction still wasn’t significant enough; and temporarily the Scleral lenses to be worn for only periods throughout the day, the dramatic executive function improvement I had with them, was impossible to maintain with that relief and function improvement contrasted each day at the end of the day when I had to re-expose my eyes to the air, triggering the pain again fully, and rapidly experiencing the cascading of symptoms - the mental disruption and the tension, sensitization, referring and building through my body; https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scleral_lens

The other up to 50% is when I am delusional enough with hope, optimism, waiting for the next “big” stem cell treatment - in fantasy once tricking myself again that maybe this next healing will be different than the previous ones: where maybe my nervous system will reach a tipping point where the impact of the eye pain will greatly diminish due to enough pressure, pain, being removed from my nervous system. It never has happened though. This is where I am in a routine where I am not yet again bored of rotating through different social media sites - Twitter, Reddit - along with some other technology-related news sites, forums. This is when I am not yet completely bored of distracting myself with watching streamers on Twitch or watching YouTube videos. Days when I am in a routine and in a positive enough mood to enjoy and try to engage socially, in a routine going to Balzac’s cafe - taking a Lyft shared ride there and home again. The problem is nothing can actually move forward from this routine and routine itself is flawed in that boredom exists and that routine can’t really change due to the limitations the pain keeps me within; I can go out for stimulation, people watching, but there’s no gain in “teasing” myself if letting myself notice attractive women - teasing myself by allowing myself to think about dating or sex or anything nice, any of the creature comforts that come from relationships of various depths or intensity.

Cost is another factor. The money I have access to currently won’t last forever - and even if appointments like acupuncture or osteopathy would net positive, which I’m still not sure they are which I won’t explain here - at the moment when mostly going to those appointments via public transit, that amount of activity - the additional physical stress on my body on top of the stress the eye pain constantly applies, certainly counters most of the benefit from those appointments; likewise, acupuncture which I only did 3 or 4 weeks ago, and hadn’t done it for likely 2 years prior, allowed me to just feel my right eye pain as strongly and as clearly as I had ever been able to feel it - a strong, searing, burning sensation over the whole cornea that lastly as strongly for the next 8 hours - that searing sensation only diminishing as it slowly sensitized the rest of my body, just meaning it prevented me from properly perceiving it - but not reducing the executive dysfunction symptom. If I am in the better side of the difficult cycle then I regularly, daily, listen to my “New Life” play list - and often listen through the more somber but pleasant Jardim album by Rainer Scheurenbrandt; https://rainerscheurenbrand.bandcamp.com/album/jardim

I’ve written so many times about this pattern over the years, I hate writing about it now too - and why I am now struggling to even bother trying to get myself to a Boston eye doctor/research I was suggested to go to - however after the effort and cost of traveling to Boston, the being out of routine to not look forward to causing additional turbulence in my life the following 3-4 days, and after the $1300 USD cost, just starting cost, there is near 100% chance that no insights nor new treatment option that will come of it; it seems that I also know of stem cell research being conducted in the US that the main plaintiff in the Canadian class action lawsuit doesn’t know about, therefore nor does the lawyer, and likely also not this Boston eye doctor/researcher the plaintiff recommended I see - I’m guessing they don’t know about the mice/rat research from years ago either, the results of are which the human trials are being fast tracked in India; turns out the plaintiff who recommended me to see the Boston eye doctor/researcher hasn’t even gone to see him himself.

There has just been no point in continuing with trying to keep myself positive, optimistic - for as difficult as it is - once I am “flying” in it well enough, life can’t improve - relationships can’t evolve, I can’t move forward more in life. There’s been no point when letting myself mentally get excited about my projects or ideas to fix all of these broken systems - it just causes there to be more pressure, a stronger aversion to fight against, the pain to fight more strongly against - and trying to use executive function to try to move those ideas forward in any capacity, just the attempt adding pressure/stress - and then the potential consequences of trying to find others or spending money to hire others to do an uncertain but large amount of work necessary, is a lot - and certainly more than I am reasonably capable of handling, and even if I had the financial resources to hire and manage a team to do the work - managing would likely be too stressful as well; https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=21885586

I’ve tried twice now from different places in the last 8 months to get a referral for someone to speak to to see if the pain having been reduced as much as it has, if there was any value in talk therapy. Still haven’t heard anything back re: an appointment - though I was doubtful anyway that the physical cost of going to the appointment would result in net benefit anyhow.

And there’s nothing more I can do to help Taylor - the system isn’t going to be able to hold the safe container she needs - other than trying to send an update to her naturopath re: trying to problem solve her gut pain and nausea (that psychiatric doctors haven’t cared about nor understood the dis-ease progression consequences of for years), so I don’t have that hope or drive for effort to try to distract myself with any longer either; I don’t understand how psychiatry got a monopoly on hospitalizations, not only a monopoly but an exclusionary monopoly - where there's no requirement to work with other fields/disciplines, how isn't this considered or acknowledged to be neglectful by default, by design?

[lifewithchronicpain-original]

From a young age I had one very sincere belief about myself: I wanted to leave a mark. I figured out in my teens that having a baby would never be for me (though I want a chance to foster/adopt if I’m ever in a good enough place to do so) and for many having a baby is how they feel they live on.

I believe in memory, that those who live on are remembered and that were only really one until no one remembers us. I was an atheist by 16 and suicidal, so this is something that in some ways form whatever “faith” I might have in anything.

I could always write well in school and I started writing my own stories. I wrote a book on a typewriter until someone gave me an old computer to use instead. I could see my dream clearly then, I wanted to write a book. That’s how I wanted to leave a piece of me behind to be remembered.

I got into fanfiction in my 20s, which I felt like was a way of practicing for my own work. Wrote a huge Atla fic that I never finished and never will. I started getting sick in mind and body. Went back to mental hospitals, tried to kill myself, went though ECT to make my brain stop wanting to die. By the time I signed up for that procedure I had already lost the will to write.

I can write my thoughts and arguments, which I’ve done online for many years. But write fiction? It left me before the ECT and never came back. I tried so hard to bring it back, even bought a notebook to try and flesh out characters and plot before trying to write a scene. Looked up character and world sheets, even writing software designed for world building and more. I had so many ideas but not an ounce of desire to try and write something from all the fantasy I see so well in my mind.

And then the pain came and I forgot I wanted to write. That was some elusive forgotten dream now, I wanted to just survive now and dreamed of getting a diagnosis and figuring out how to keep working without feeling like it took every inch of my life from me.

Eventually I went on disability and thought, maybe now I will write? And I do, mostly here. It comes easy to me to just write what I am thinking at the moment. I may typo a lot and leave an imcomplete thought hanging. But I rarely change the structure and output of a first draft, other than typo fixes and sometimes a sentence change. (Of course I would put a lot more care into something I intended to be published for money) I know I have skill at writing, I mean it not in vain, because honestly I think so low of myself the fact I can admit and say I write well is not an easy thing for me.

I know I could write a book, but would it be a book people want to read? I don’t know. I honestly would be thrilled if I managed to publish something and it wouldn’t have to be a best seller, or thousands of fans. I just want to be able to some take people into a fantasy world with my words and ignore the real world for a few hours.

I lay in my bed, day in and day out, I muster up the strength for gardening and knitting and photography, which I do enjoy, but I don’t write. I have all the time in the world to finally focus on my dream and I can’t do it. It’s like something was stolen from me, and many may say motivation, but I know how to push myself with my hobbies when I’m not motivated. I can even push myself to study cat behavior for my future dream job, but Writing? I just can’t. The one thing I want more than anything else, and I can’t even bring myself to try.

Maybe because I’ve decided while I might be good enough for a blog and some fanfiction, I’ll never be good enough for publishing. No one will really want to buy my book, so why bother? Maybe I’m just one of those people who wants to have written a book without actually having to do the effort so I gave up on my dream easily.

If this is writers block, it’s like the mother fucking wall from game of thrones and I cannot climb it. I have no idea how I get past this self doubt and executive dysfunction to finally sit myself the fuck down and just try to write the book I’ve wanted to write for 20 goddamn years.

[actuallyadhd]

Adhd awareness month

I was diagnosed with adhd-pi in May this year. I was 22, now I’m 23. When I was a kid, I daydreamed constantly. I could stare at a wall for hours and be entertained. I also read for hours a day, made possible by the fact that I was home schooled from 7-14 years old. When I was 13, I started watching educational videos to prepare for high school and constantly had to rewind them because I would space out so much. I was really worried about doing this in a real school setting, but I actually did really well in high school. I even went to the math and science school in my state and graduated as one of the best students in math.

It was at this school, when I was 17, that a psychiatrist suggested I had ADD. I found it hard to believe, because my boyfriend and his mom have it and my symptoms were completely different. I’m very organized, never late for anything, and have a really good memory for numbers and facts, which neither of them did. His mom even told me that I couldn’t have adhd because I’m good at academics and am really good at this card game his family plays that requires being able to focus and multi-task. In hindsight, those are both dumb reasons to say someone can’t have adhd.

In college, I majored in biological engineering. I struggled with classes because of anxiety, depression, and panic disorder, but not really inattention. It wasn’t until my junior and senior years that executive dysfunction started making life difficult. I got 3 C’s those two years because of it. My senior year another psychiatrist suggested adhd when I told him how much I space out. I dismissed his concerns because it wasn’t impacting my life much.

My senior year, I tried to complete a senior thesis, while also doing undergraduate research, doing a senior design project, and being vice president of a gender inclusive honor fraternity. I was constantly exhausted and getting sick from the stress. I took on way too much work and had a breakdown at 4 in the morning the day I was supposed to defend my thesis because I put off too much of the work and couldn’t finish. I had to email everyone on my committee and tell them I failed and couldn’t defend. In spite of this, my research professor offered me a graduate assistantship in biomedical engineering.

In my first year of my MS degree, executive dysfunction once again came to bite me in the butt. The projects in graduate level classes are way more intense than undergrad. I started realizing how difficult such projects are for me to complete. I get so overwhelmed by all the work, figuring out the steps, etc., that I can’t even start them. I get too scared and it feels painful to try to work on them.

My second semester is when I finally decided to get assessed for adhd (and ASD). I got a C in my hardest class, putting me on probation. My university has a developmental disabilities clinic with a sliding scale for payment so I went there. I took a few measures, and had about 4 hours worth of interviewing. I was diagnosed with inattentive subtype (I couldn’t remember enough of my childhood for an ASD diagnosis). I started taking Vyvanse this past summer and now life is so much easier. I still struggle with executive dysfunction, but it doesn’t take me a week to write a paragraph anymore. And my advisor also has adhd so he’s very understanding of the kind of help I need. I’m in my second year of grad school and I actually finished my first paper for publication, and was only three days late for my personal deadline. Focusing on my research doesn’t feel painful anymore. I wish I’d gotten diagnosed sooner to save myself all the suffering, but at least I have now.

[claytonsarah1990]

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