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whatifyoulivelikethat · 3 years

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warnings: extremely negative feelings towards a sibling, distressing / intrusive thoughts. placed under a break due to the content of the message. remember, I'm not a mental health professional.

updated with additional viewpoints from readers at the bottom!

I'm sorry in advance.

I really hate my older sister. She never respects my boundaries, insults me frequently, and is just annoying and hypocritical in general.

I've always had these issues with her, but she lived at her own apartment away from me and the rest of my family, so I've been able to control my hatred of her. But last year in March she moved back in and sold her apartment. She has no plans of leaving anytime soon, and I can't stand her.

We shared a bedroom for about a year because we were also taking care of my cousin who also moved in with us last year. My cousin has since moved out, but my sister is unfortunately here to stay for a couple of years. But with extra space, I was able to move into the spare bedroom and thought that would be the end of my problems.

It wasn't. In fact, she has become even more unbearable. The hardest part of this relationship is that she has a weird obsession with being with me. I'm not sure if this is because she loves me, or she's just weird. I think she's weird because my parents never act like she does.

Our bedrooms are right next to each other. There's really no reason for her to miss me. But every single fucking minute she's coming into my room to bother me. I would have more empathy for her if she acknowledged my limits, but she doesn't.

She's constantly cuddling me after I've said for MONTHS that I don't enjoy it and it makes me uncomfortable. She constantly belittles me by saying I couldn't live without her, and that I would be a mess if it wasn't for her (mind you, I've lived without her at the house for YEARS and I was perfectly fine). She's constantly in my business, interrogating me about every little thing. She once locked the door and wouldn't let me leave the room without answering her questions for 20 minutes; she asked me about a $30 Amazon order containing manga I ordered with MY OWN MONEY. And I had permission for my parents to order it! It wasn't her business whatsoever.

I've tried to keep her out numerous times; I've gotten in trouble for it. My parents say I'm being mean and that this is her way of loving me. What I feel like they ignore is that I'M UNCOMFORTABLE. Her way of "loving me" HURTS.

I've tried communication. I've had multiple meetings with my family about my boundaries and they say they'll change, but they never do.

Another factor that worsens this is that I have borderline personality disorder. I'm currently being denied therapy or intervention of any kind. I get told my mental illness is a result of me having an attitude and hating my family.

I writing this to you because I've been having very alarming thoughts recently. I'm been somewhat suicidal as long as I can remember, but this is different. I've been having nightmares about killing my family/my family killing me. I don't want to kill my family. As much as they have abused me, I know they truly love me deep down. But when I'm in a mental breakdown, I don't think for the most part. I'm afraid I'm going to do something to hurt them if they continue to push me. I'm too scared to turn myself into the police and I don't want to be taken away from my home. I truly need therapy, but it's expensive and I'm not allowed to get it.

Are there any options left for me? I love my family and I want to get better, but I can't stand them. It'll be a while before I can live on my own, and I don't think I'll make it that long.

I'm so sorry.

I appreciate that you came to me, however, please remember I am not a mental health professional.

I do not have the best relationship with my family. I've come to accept that they just exist and I moved away from them. I keep a strict level of familiarity with them for my own sanity and well-being. There are people in my immediate family I don't talk to anymore or only speak to in certain situations, with other people around to buffer my emotions. No one in my family understands or respects my mental health issues and I have ceased talking about it with them.

I will admit, I had to ask for help. I'm going to share the answer of someone I trust, because they are much more level-headed when it comes to something like this.

Use different words with your sister. Instead of "I'm mad or annoyed", use words that bring out more empathy - "You're making me sad and uncomfortable. You're hurting me." Anger is usually perceived as something within you, something you must control. But sadness is usually not perceived in the same light. People usually see sadness as something that has a cause and perhaps letting her know that she is the cause will have an effect on her. Using different words when speaking to her may slowly change her perspective.

When it comes to your parents, well, parents do not usually understand sibling dynamics. They're fucking useless most of the time when it comes to problems specifically between siblings. It might be better if you say something like, "Her constant intrusions are affecting my school work. My grades are going to drop." Usually, parents respond more urgently if you say you education is affected - and it doesn't matter if it's true or not, we're just trying to get them to help in some way.

I had to remind them it's summertime lol

Oh shit, you're right. Er. Well, In any case, it seems you've tried having reasonable discussions with your parents and it doesn't seem helpful to continue discussing this particular topic with them. Maybe get into fitness since it's summertime. Go outside, do something active. She can't cuddle you if you're running, right? Then you can also be stronger and feeling better physically improves mental health. Put some music on, go hiking or running, take yourself out of the situation.

I don't know if this is possible, but perhaps if you're experiencing a mental breakdown and you're afraid of hurting your family, run out of the house? It might be better to be physically away from them at that time to avoid saying or doing anything you regret. It may help clear your head and help your family realize that this is something that is truly debilitating to you.

I don't know your age, so I don't know if the school thing is relevant. It's only a suggestion.

You said it will be a while before you can live on your own. When I knew the cons of living with my family outweighed the pros, I did everything in my power to prepare myself for leaving because I needed a goal in order to survive. I needed distractions, reading, writing, gaming, music, anything else to occupy my mind and help control my thoughts. There was a time when I needed music to fall asleep (headphones in on low volume).

Also... uh.

I'm not saying you should do this. I'm only saying I did.

My siblings and I have physically fought before. One has scars from fighting me. The scarred one is the one closest to me currently.

Not saying you should do it.

But I did.

If anyone feels comfortable enough to share how they dealt with it in their own situation, please do. Maybe more perspectives can help this person.

some other experiences sent to me:

anon #1

I don't think I had a situation that extreme but my brother was a little like that. I honestly had to become kinda rude and indifferent. Like he'd always use my laptop and stuff and I put passwords on everything and just don't tell him. And then when he tried to hug or cuddle id say I don't liek it and just push him away physically now this soudns fucking obvious when I say it this way but like I don't think I read that u tried it ? Idk I discovered I have a loud annoying scream that neighbours will hear, and fucking strokg legs I used to kick him away but like I was tiny so I don't really endorse violence but I didnt like being close to a 'boy' essentially at taht age so yea... Idk man siblings are weird and I have had intrusive thoughts so I think I didn't handle it well but for a few years I became an asshole to him and then now I'm good with talking sometimes and I keep it short and sweet and I've mentioned that I'm sorry for being mean in the past bcuz like I am ? Bcuz I'm not an asshole ? ( But like I did what I had to do ) I hope u get the help and support u need

anon #2

I read the message from the previous anon and I have to say I relate to what they say. I wouldn’t say i’ve completely dealt with the situation when it comes to my parents.

I have 4 siblings and i’m the oldest, my sister that’s 2 years younger than me always gets in my way and is a tyrant. Because she’s much taller than me she overpowers me and i also have scars from when we’ve fought. My parents don’t intervene because they say we’ll make up soon and I honestly can’t stay mad at people for long. I also live with my parents and am not able to move out anytime soon until I get my degree.

A few weeks ago my mother was complaining to my father that I don’t help around the house and all that bullshit but it’s obviously not true. Anyway. My father came into my room and threw all my clothes from my cupboards on the floor and said my sister and I must get out of his house. He was literally pulling us and we were crying because where the hell would we go. My smaller siblings were begging for him not to chase us out of the house but he was ballistic. He was constantly throwing insults at me, calling me selfish and disrespectful. I was having a mental breakdown and I said i hope that God takes my life away because i’m too weak to do it myself. I kept saying that and when my parents heard me. They called me crazy and were laughing at me and said i should take it back because instead of me another one of my family members would go.

My parents don’t care about mental health and therapy. It’s all unnecessary to them. But after that night I tried to find my own way of getting rid of the negative thoughts, I choose to ignore what everyone tells me. I agree with everything that you said about trying to get away from their family when they have those thoughts. I try meditation and praying. I’m not sure if that person follows any religion but that’s what helped me. And writing can be cathartic. Also remember that you’re not alone, there are so many people out there who share your sorrows and can relate to your situation. I think about my little siblings who i’m close to and what it would be like if i wasn’t there.

Maybe if they could get a pet? I know having a pet can make you feel less alone and you feel a sense of responsibility towards them. As for their sister, she needs to see their point of view and tell her that she makes her feel overwhelmed with the things she does. She can spend time with her and try to make her understand that they need their space too.

anon #3

I also have sum advice 4 the sibling anon frm a fellow bpd buddy:

Does ur view of ur sister change from "i hate her" to "she's alright" sometimes? Viewing sum1 as all bad or all good is common in bpd ppl and usually changes alot. I rec writing down the moments where she shows she loves u. This could be thru buying smth for u or doing smth 4 u. I had a similar relationship w a friend and this exercise helped me remember that she might not have intentions to hurt me and might b trying 2 bond. Repairing the relationship might take a while. Talk alot if u can, it seems like ur family is at least willing to hear u out, even if there behavior doesn't change much. Keep sum distance if needed. Working out and finding fun hobbies is good.

If u feel like ur breaking down, try breathing exercises n identify 5 things u notice thru ur senses. What do u feel? What do u smell? What do u taste? What do u see? What do u hear? I personally like taking myself down rabbit holes. For example: I see a yellow jacket > this shade of yellow is a cool tone > what makes a color "cool" or "warm" > why do we associate red with warmth > what if the sun was blue > what if ocean water looked orange > is water wet

I usually end up forgetting what was making me upset. If it was a big deal I would still remember, but at least I would b less emotional and a bit more rational.

Search up cognitive behavior therapy and dialectical behavior therapy and try 2 practice sumthing similar 2 exercises u would perform w a therapist. Squeeze stress balls. Masturbate (this blog is perfect 4 that lol). Maybe watch some videos done by therapists on youtube. I watched a couple of videos abt therapists reacting 2 fighting in movies and I learned alot (this video was very fun to watch)!

Anyway that's what helps me! Good luck 2 u!!!

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nepenthendline · 4 years

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Mental Health Headcannons - Tsukishima, Kageyama, Ushijima, Tendou & Bokuto

All these are from my knowledge and based off of each character’s actions haikyuu, this is all my opinion so feel free to discuss other thoughts! I’m happy to talk about each more in depth if anyone would like it :) this is just me projecting my own problems on fictional characters

You can also message me if you wanna talk about these too!!

This is going to be long

TW: Mental health, learning difficulties, eating disorders, self-harm

Tsukishima - Depression, Anxiety & OCD

Tbh someone else (I’ve been trying to find their username to tag them but I can’t find it, they’re called something like theguessmonta but idk) has amazing posts about Tsukishima and his mental health which I totally agree with all of it so some of this is going to be pretty similar

I think his mental health problems started when he was quite young, around the time when the Akiteru drama happened so he’s been dealing with these for a while

Having depression can often make a person seem very disinterested/sarcastic/negative as a way of pushing back emotions and self-protection which explains a lot of the way Tsukishima acts towards some people (I have a whole post on how he isn’t just some asshole)

His anxiety stems from a place of terrible self-esteem and self-image, it’s clear to see he has a bad sense of self-worth when he talks about how people are obviously a lot better than him, he’s just there to ‘stop trouble happening’

Tsukki suffers from panic attacks quite regularly (especially when he was a bit younger) but he tends to shut himself off then they happen, he doesn’t want anyone else to see him like that

His anxiety and overthinking is often why he keeps his headphones on him at all times, listening to music helps drown out the sounds around him and those in his head

His OCD got worse over time - first it was things like turning the light switch on and off repeatedly until it felt right, or tapping on his desk before he went to bed, but as his anxiety and self-esteem got worse it developed into him needing himself to be perfect

This included only eating a certain amount of calories a day (no where near the amount he should be eating) or getting a very specific grade on an exam, where even one number over or under set him into a panic

Things got to their worst for Tsukki around the age of 13 - this is where he was much too underweight and self-harming on his hips (so no one else could see)

Probably also thought about suicide a couple times around this point

He has tried a couple different types of anti-depressants in the past, however none have seemed to help

He likes a lot of time alone - he gets too overwhelmed dealing with other people

The only person besides his family and Yamaguchi that knows about his OCD is Kageyama - they both noticed each others odd, repetitive habits until Kageyama asked him about it one day, while they don’t get along too well, they feel some comfort in each other understanding their actions

Kageyama - Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD)

wow what a smooth segue

this boy is like a walking definition of ASD - coming from a person with ASD

Kageyama was diagnosed with Type 1/High-functioning Autism when he was very young (probably around 3-5 years old)

He struggles with social interaction, knowing what to say to people and most importantly, how to say it, e.g. when he smiles people often think he looks angry

Kageyama has never had many, if any, friends before Karasuno, as he has often struggled with conversation and speaking in an inappropriate tone that may make some people uncomfortable or even scared

He isn’t very good when it comes to remembering academic studies but if it relates to his fixations (volleyball) he is extremely intelligent - this is seen clearly when Daichi shows their team hand gestures and Kageyama says he remembered them in a day

Kageyama uses masking a lot - it’s a technique people with ASD tend to do which involves copying other peoples actions in order to understand social situations, he does this many times in the anime/manga such as his awkward BBQ song dance, or high-fives

He visited a social worker once a week while he was little until he started middle school, resulting in his behaviours getting worse

Towards the end of his first year at Karasuno he went back to therapies regularly and has anger-management training in order to help him express himself in a manageable way - he probably won’t admit it but it helps a lot (key note is that having anger-management training often does not have anything to do with anger, simply just managing emotions in general but it often a great type of therapy for those with ASD although he is a bit of an angry boi sometimes)

ASD comes with repetitive, almost OCD-like tendencies - two examples include filing his nails every single day and having a very specific routine before going to bed that consists of drinking milk, putting on pjs, laying in bed and throwing + catching a ball, brushing his teeth and going to bed on his left side - if he doesn’t do these things at the right times/in the right order, he gets extremely anxious and agitated

It is important to remember people with ASD tend to also have another mental health issue, such as anxiety or depression

Ushijima - Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD)

autism buds with kageyama

I kid thats probably a bad idea

Ushijima was also diagnosed with Type 1/High-Functioning Autism when he was 5

Unfortunately due to the stigma around Autism, his family (besides his father) were not very accepting of this and he was put into therapy at a young age

While this was actually helpful for him, his family insisted his therapies should ‘cure’ him and were dismissive of the many times a doctor told them that ASD is not a curable disorder

Outside of therapy he does not receive much support from his family, except his father who got him a pair of noise-cancelling headphones he used to wear until he 8 whenever they went out together - he was only allowed to wear them if it was just him and his father, the rest of his family thought it made it too obvious there was ‘something wrong with the child’

Extending on this, Ushijima was very sensitive to sensory input as a child, and while he still is, it has become easier to manager as he has gotten older

His ASD is most prevalent in his lack of understand ways of communication, such as sarcasm or jokes, and tends to take things very literally

@simp4satori and I came to the conclusion that if you were to call him daddy during sex, or ask him to ‘punish you’ the poor boy would have NO CLUE - would probably call your dad and tell him you needed to speak to him, or say you can’t watch anime for a week lol

He is extremely direct when he talks, to the point where it comes across rude or hurtful but he doesn’t realise this until someone mentions it

Tendou probably helps him rephrase things from time-to-time in order for him to get his point across

He gets very anxious when faced with things he doesn’t know about or understand (this is mentioned by Tendou in the manga), this can include people, going to new places or trying new foods

It is important to remember people with ASD tend to also have another mental health issue, such as anxiety or depression

Tendou - Depression and Anxiety (also a highly sensitive person - that’s not a mental health disorder or illness but it does affect him)

Tendou’s mental health suffered from a young age due to bullying in school

This caused a lot of low self-esteem and low mood, and he was later on diagnosed with depression and anxiety

Only his family, Ushijima and his coach know about this, and even then, only his family know any details

No one would really expect Tendou to deal with such mental health issues as he always keeps a bubbly, happy persona around others - he doesn’t want people to think he is weak or cowardly

It is also hard for others to see and he is someone with high-highs and low-lows, so when he is happy or excited his emotions are quite extreme

Tendou’s anxiety relates a lot to his image, mainly his appearance and the way he acts, but he is also a general over thinker

He doesn’t have panic attacks as often as Tsukishima does, however they do happen occasionally when things just get too much

He often thinks that people are staring at him, or talking about him whenever he goes out, and he tends to hid this by seeming overly cocky or sardonic

When his depression hits, he tends to just feel sad or hopeless instead of numb, which tends to trigger his anxiety too

Tendou used to self-harm often around his hips/thighs however he hasn’t done so since the end of his first year of high-school

Probably makes a lot of dark ‘jokes’, especially around suicide and people semi are like ‘...dude...you ok?’ and he’s just like ‘hahaha yeah im fine what’

He doesn’t like alone time too much as he tends to get trapped in his own thoughts

As expected of the guess monster, he is extremely good at reading and understanding people, which is how he finds it easier to help and communicate with Ushijima

Bokuto - ADHD

A lot of people at Fukurodani think Bokuto is just stupid, however he actually has ADHD

He was diagnosed a lot later than the rest at 12 years old

Bokuto tends to struggle with his studies as his attention-span is very low and can get distracted easily - either by things in the classroom or his own thoughts

He’s very forgetful, often forgetting his lunch at home or forgetting to do/bring in his homework, and this goes into volleyball too where he forgets how to do certain moves

Taking exams are the worst for Bokuto, he hates having to be still and quiet for such a long time and is very sensitive to little sounds or movements that distract his attention - you’ll often find his bouncing his leg or fiddling with his pen

He tends to butt into conversations or interrupt people when they are talking, he just gets a bit too enthusiastic to share his thoughts

He has extreme mood-swings too which we see often in the anime, especially when he is stressed or someone mentions his behaviours

Is very reckless - Akaashi has probably had to stop him from leaning too far out the window and almost falling to look something

The whole Fukurodani volleyball team are aware of his ADHD and do their best to help him and make him feel comfortable or accepted

They are the only people allowed to call him stupid - they will fight anyone else

I think there are more characters with mental health illnesses or disorders, such and Yamaguchi, Yachi, Kenma and Asahi having anxiety so I might write more at some point!

#jesus that was long #haikyuu #ushijima wakatoshi #kageyama tobio #tsukishima kei #bokuto koutaro #Tendou satori #Tendo Satori #headcannon #mental health #haikyuu imagine #haikyuu scenario #haikyuu!!

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theonetheycallhannah · 4 years

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The Treatment of Captain Syverson-Chapter 13: SNAFU

Characters: Captain Syverson, various original minor/supporting characters.

Summary: Sy has some time to think about his past, present, and future while roughing it in the Virginia wilderness which leads him to a revelation about what he really wants…but is it too late?

Need to start from the beginning? Miss an update because Tumblr? Click me!

Word Count: 4.7k

Warnings: Mild language, mature themes, military and weapon terminology, discussion, and use. (For those who don’t know, SNAFU is a term coined in the military. It’s an acronym for “Situation Normal, All Fucked Up.” And since this is from Sy’s perspective, I thought a military term, as opposed to a therapy term would be appropriate.)

Author’s Note: Despite this being the longest chapter, clocking in at almost 5k, it was one of the easiest to write, and came the quickest. I love writing from Sy’s perspective, and the pure love he has for Shane. I’m hoping to be able to write a bit more of his POV before the story is complete. We’ll see. I apologize if it seems like one long rant about Sy’s feelings…I guess that’s what it is, with various activities peppered in. He can be a sensitive guy, and I wanted to show that.

Disclaimer: Unfortunately for me, Henry is not mine, le sigh, and all mention of him, his characters, any characters from his films, or his precious doggy, Kal, are strictly for transformative and recreational use. I neither ask for, nor accept payment for the work I post on Tumblr or AO3. Unbeta’d because this is for fun and escapism.

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Hope I’m not forgetting anyone! If you want to be notified when I post a new chapter or work, I’ll be happy to add you to my tag list! Stricken blogs are getting personal messages from me when a new chapter is uploaded because Tumblr’s faulty tagging system will not stand in the way of me delivering what the people want!(?) lol! (Although…their lackadaisical notification system might…sorry for that. I have no control. lol!)

X@X@X@X@X@X@X@X@X@X@X@

Sy was no whimp. That much was certain. Missouri winters had toughened him up more than most men in his battalion and most of the participants in the training he was currently undertaking.

But it was more than that. Sy was uniquely prepared for the elements. He remembered a particularly harsh December night during Christmas break, before he joined the service when he was home alone and had to let the dog out. Fool that he was, he wore no shoes. Greater fool, he'd allowed the door to the back yard to close…and unfortunately, it had a tendency to lock. Which it did. He tried fruitlessly for a while to break back in, but being without a cell phone, he knew he'd have to walk a good distance for help with the lock.

He slipped out the gate and started up to the road, to follow it to his grandparents a few miles away. The county road wasn't the best kind for walking, particularly barefoot in the late fall, but his feet were soon too numb to feel the gravel and whatever else was lacerating the soles of his feet. After about an hour, he made it there, shivering, knocking frantically and waking his frail old grandparents up to rescue him from his own negligence. He'd regret that until the day he died. Not that they were angry about it. They shrugged it off. His grandma cleaned the blood and dirt from his feet and bandaged the shallowed abrasions. They didn't look too bad, considering the area they lived in and the trash that could have been waiting to carve him up. Then she set about cleaning up Sy's messy footprints from her normally immaculate floor. Grandpa looked all over for their spare keys to Sy's and his mom's house, and finally found them. He lent him a pair of shoes, drove him back home, and let him in the house. After that, Sy found himself eager to spend time outdoors during colder weather. As if determined to build up a tolerance to it in case he ever found himself in such a situation again.

Now, despite the time of year being only late August, it was unseasonably cool, especially at night, as if Christmas was right around the corner, and Sy was wishing more and more that he had someone to cuddle with during the nights he'd be doing cross country training here at the beautiful Shenandoah National Park. He had packed only the essentials for the expedition, a mess kit, bed roll, canteen, modest rations, first aid supplies, et cetera, plus a rope and a tarp for building a shelter. On his person, he had a compass, a topographical map of the park with checkpoints indicated, waterproof, strike-anywhere matches, a hunting knife, a tactical knife, an M17 pistol, and three .9mm clips. He was also given a flare gun to use in case he got stuck for any reason and needed extraction.

On his first night in the wilderness, he'd taken a lot of time falling asleep. Thinking.

He thought about his last week at home. He wondered how Mr. and Mrs. Stevens were doing with Aika. Shane had offered to watch her, and he considered it. He had appreciated her eagerness to help after her…less than enthusiastic response to hearing about this trip. But he decided since Aika had a close relationship already with Fred and Caroline, and she was still getting to know Shane, they'd better be the ones to take her. She understood, and had offered the second reason that since she worked so much, she wouldn't be able to give her the kind of attention she was used to. That had made a lot of sense. He felt like kind of a bad dog parent for not thinking of it, himself.

He thought about the week he'd been here already at the compound. His first day filling out paperwork, he was asked for an emergency contact. He was used to putting his mom…but she wasn't in the best of health, herself. He had nobody. Nobody but Shane. He put her down, instead of his mom. He thought about the seminars on company approved methods of subduing and detaining targets and combatants. He should have taught Shane some self-defense moves before he left. She could handle herself, and she'd proven so, but still. A refresher, or an advancement on one's skills was always a good idea. But he was sure she'd be fine. He thought about her the most in the torturous policy and procedure lecture. What he wouldn't'a given to have her here with him. She would have made everything fun. And she would have been a way better study partner than Keith. Keith, a Navy vet from Little Rock was a good guy…he just…didn't get Sy's jokes. He was a very literal kind of thinker, and it took extra effort for Sy to communicate with folks like that.

Shane, though…he and Shane wouldn't have gotten too much done, study-wise. They would have been…distracted.

As he hiked along the trails to his first checkpoint, he breathed in the clean, crisp air and stopped at the odd overlook here and there. The park was nestled on the outer edge of the Blue Ridge Mountains, and they were too gorgeous not to appreciate while he was here. He found himself…uniquely emotional. He didn't feel lonely often, but since he'd met Shane, he'd hardly gone two days without seeing her, even if it was for just an hour. She'd love all of this. She'd probably want a tent, and coffee in the mornings, so they wouldn't be able to travel quite as light, but they'd make it work. Maybe one day they'd take a trip like this. Just for fun. No checkpoints. No deadlines. No semi-automatic weapons…well, honestly, he'd probably still bring a gun, anyway. You never did know about people these days, he thought. Of course, that's probably what people think of me carrying a pistol, he also thought…anyway, he was almost to the checkpoint.

Said checkpoint was a big tent, like the ones they sold fireworks out of leading up to Fourth of July. Inside there was a single lane shooting range set up down one half of the tent. On the other half, there were stations set up with dismantled weapons that you had to assemble in a certain amount of time. Someone had beaten him to the range, so he started with the guns. No problems whatsoever. He was familiar more or less with all of the models, or some version of them. When the previous participant, a small blonde woman, had finished on the range, Sy stepped up to the counter.

The attendant reset the target for Sy so he could do a close range shot, then again for mid and long range ones. He shot well, although he still wasn't used to the lighter weight of the SIG Sauer M17s the armed forces switched to back in 2017. They'd offered him an M18 at the compound, but he favored the heaver pistol, instead. Maybe the M18 was more packable, but Sy just didn't feel right firing a weapon that felt like a feather in his hand. If it was up to him, he'd take a Colt Python .357 Magnum Revolver. That, however, was more than just a question of how the firearm felt in his hand. Being out in the wilderness like this made him think back to how it must have been before these lands became civilized and gentrified. Back to the days of the cowboy, Wyatt Earp and the OK Corral. Back when it was just the wild and free land he could pretend it was now. He thanked the attendant, who was writing his name on his targets to take back to the compound along with his graded weapon assembly timesheets, and then was back on his way.

There was an eerie beauty about this unsullied land, he thought, as the dusk fell the second night of the excursion and he began setting up his camp about halfway between the first and second checkpoints, by his estimation. With his fire built and his shelter up, Sy took out some of his rations, cured meat, hard cheese, and some walnuts, and had a light supper before cleaning his gun and turning in while the ground still held some heat from the waning sun, wishing again as the cold set in that his woman was there to warm him.

His sleep was fitful. And he awoke before dawn, from dreams he couldn't remember but which still left him feeling empty. They must have been about her. He was starting to feel regret. The last time he'd seen Shane, he'd said some things that he meant to be selfless. But he didn't mean them. He meant the parts about loving her, of course. But the last thing he wanted was to come home and find her moved on with someone else. He couldn't stand to think about it. As he walked into the next checkpoint area, the range was already set up for close range firing. He riddled the target with .9mm holes and could barely wait until the attendant got the fresh sheet set to mid range before he began firing.

"How about you let me fully clear the lane before you start on the long range target, okay, Syverson?"

"Sorry, man. I'm a little…on edge today. Won't happen again."

The short, sandy-haired buck trotted out to replace the riddled sheet with one more for the long range leg, pulled it down and lacked it in to long range position, then hoofed it back up to safety, sensing the captain's impatience. Sy shot cleanly, but with cold anger, as if the silhouette on the page out there was trying to take Shane away from him. He put two square in the chest, and two in the head without hesitating.

"Man, I've never seen a long range shoot like that! What's the deal, you pissed at an ex, or something?" Sy checked the man's lapel for a name tag.

"Not exactly, Mister…Daniels."

"Call me Jack." they shook hands, and Sy chuckled, questioning.

"I'm Sy. You're name is Jack…Daniels?"

"Yes sir. No relation to the Lynchburg Daniels, unfortunately. Momma wanted to name me after her granddad, and my old man, well, he had no problem with it given his affinity for the spirit."

"A wise man, your dad. Some of my best nights have included Tennessee Number 7." He didn't elaborate, but he was getting very specific flashbacks of drinking games in his kitchen with Shane. And he was gonna have to shake it off before the weapons assembly drill, or else he'd end up putting together an assault rifle backward.

He made it through without any trouble, thank the good Lord. But that didn't mean that his mind wasn't still reeling. He was thinking of Shane and the possibility that she was being courted by Chris Evans look-alikes and young Harrison Ford doppelgangers, and it was making him furious. He was pretty sure that she was about as interested in taking a break as he was, but he couldn't help himself from making the offer under the circumstances. He kicked himself as he made his camp for the evening, not very far away from the third checkpoint, but too far away to get there by dusk when the daily deadline was. He was a shoe in to get there first in the morning, though, if he was reading his map correctly, and he was damn good at maps, if he did say so, himself. And who would bitch at him for bragging out here, anyway. The odd cricket or squirrel? He didn't think so.

It was colder tonight, and he was thankful that he thought to boil some water for his canteen and put it at his feet. He curled his surly, burly body up under the layers of blanket and thermal sheeting. He was almost warm enough…but he still needed something.

His sleep was plagued by strange dreams that he unfortunately remembered tonight. The scene began with Shane in a bright pink dress and matching gloves, dripping with diamonds, like Marilyn Monroe in Gentlemen Prefer Blondes. She looked so glamourous and beautiful, but she was getting passed from man to man to the tune of Madonna's Material Girl, which was not the correct song, and he knew it in that moment, but couldn't correct anyone, because it was all playing out on the big screen TV in his basement. When he realized this he turned it off and noticed a familiar head of hair on his lap and stroked it, about to say "Hey, sunshine." until the figure sat up and looked at him, and it was Jordan, the PTA, batting his eyelashes at him, and asking, "You ready for bed, babe?" The therapist leaned in for a kiss, but Sy leaned back, tumbled off the couch and landed on those crutches again, standing right in front of Shane in the lobby of the therapy clinic.

"Hey sunshine." he said warmly. She looked confused.

"I'm sorry, do I know you?"

"Well…I should hope so…it's me. Sy."

"Sorry, not ringing any bells. I'll look you us and see who you're with, though. Usually Heather tells the new patients which therapists they get their first day. What's your last name?"

He felt like he was getting kicked in the gut with a soccer cleat worn by the Incredible Hulk. He answered with defeat.

"Sy's a nickname. Last name Syverson, first name Logan."

"Oh, there you are. Looks like Cory gets to take care of you today. I'll let him know you're ready. As long as you're all done with the secretaries?"

Sy nodded and collapsed to the floor blacking out. When he woke up, his neighbor, Mr. Stevens was standing over him, insisting it was time for him to get ready. He kept handing him things to put on. Pants, a nice shirt, a vest, a light blue tie, a jacket, nice shoes. The whole enchilada. They got out of Fred's car at a little white chapel outside which, his neighbor pinned a small boutonniere of powder blue hydrangeas to his lapel and walked in with him.

"Come on, boy. She'll be here any minute."

Sy was nervous, but excited. He was obviously marrying Shane. But he couldn't remember proposing, or planning the wedding, or an engagement party, or bachelor party, or rehearsal dinner, nothing…but none of that mattered. He heard the first notes of "Here Comes the Bride" and everything faded away, anyway. He began to cry as she got closer. She was moving slowly, he presumed out of nerves. Or perhaps she'd chosen the wrong shoes. It didn't matter. They'd dance the night away barefoot, and make love until dawn. He wished her veil wasn't so thick. He couldn't even see her bouquet. Let alone her stunning face, no doubt smiling as she cried with him. When she stood in front of him, he broke protocol and removed the veil to find Aika in a white dress on her hind legs panting, tongue lolling happily to one side.

"You may now kiss the bride." said the wizened old minister, causing Aika to knock Sy to the ground licking his face until he blacked out again.

This time, he woke to the chirping birds of a mountain morning in Virginia. His campfire long snuffed, his canteen now chilled as his blood. Those dreams…those were traumatic. He didn't want Shane to see anyone else. The thought of seeing anyone else himself repulsed him. Thinking about what his life would have been like if they'd never gotten to work together made him physically ill, and he was terrified that if he didn't act on these feelings, he'd end up with no one but his dog. Why did it take a trip out of state and all these nights of solitude to figure this out? She was all that mattered. He could dig ditches, flip burgers, get a teaching certificate and coach, or teach gym. Whatever. He also liked history. He could think of something if the people at Secure Source couldn't keep him in consistent work. It would be fine. He understood his purpose now. And it wasn't just to do his duty to his country. He'd served proudly for years. He had a new purpose now. And it was her.

He packed up camp in what he was sure was record time and hauled ass to the last checkpoint where the brass should be waiting for finishers. He was the first one there this morning, but he wasn't sure if anyone had made it yesterday. He didn't try to make small talk with the attendant today. He was on a legit mission to get back to his locker at the compound, turn his phone on and call Shane. He fired four shots, but only made two holes on the long range target. One in the chest, one in the head. The attendant was impressed, giving the highest possible grade.

"Man, Syverson. I pray I never do anything to piss you off."

Sy nodded in acknowledgement and went on to the weapons drill booths. Today, there were distracting sound effects playing on a speaker in each booth, and each one was different. Sy ignored the cacophony, pretending it was white noise, and focused on the puzzles at hand, breezing through the new weapons in better time than ever.

As his cards were being scored and turned in for review to Jane Freitag, the administrator over acquisitions and training, he got himself a cup of coffee and a doughnut, and just observed her, tactically, and objectively. She was a redhead with sharp features, freckles, and light eyes. She was slender, but dressed simply, and modestly. The consummate professional. Sy had honestly barely registered her gender, and it wasn't because she wasn't beautiful. She was. Full red lips, lashes for days, and although her clothes didn't exactly accentuate her shape, he could tell he had a decent figure. He just wasn't interested. And would never be interested in anyone but Shane again. Miss Freitag startled him out of his thoughts.

"Mr. Syverson." She beckoned him to the entrance to the tent near her vehicle.

He picked up his gear and coffee and trotted over to her.

"Ma'am?"

"Jane, please."

"Sy, then, for me. What's next on the agenda?"

"Well, you're the first participant across the finish line. I'm very impressed. It seems as though you almost could have finished last night."

"Yes, ma'am, if I hadn't taken a little extra time for sightseeing, I might have made it here by dusk last night. I just haven't had the hustle I had today."

"Well, that's nothing to sneer at. Normally, the deprivation of food, regular water supply, and proper sleeping conditions make participants sloppy. The opposite seems to be true for you, as you've done better at each checkpoint than the one before. Now, let's get back to the compound and get you a proper meal, and a shower, and talk about what's next for you here at Secure Source."

"Yeah, about that. Before we go much further with this, I need to know one thing."

"What's that?"

"I need to know if you'll be able to find me work near enough to St. Robert and the base there so that I don't have to relocate and travel all the time. I've got a life there, and…it's not something I can just pick up and move on a whim, and I don't want to be away for weeks and months at a time. I know I made this trip work, but I'm praying it didn't already ruin everything." He wasn't going to waste time mincing words. He needed to know right away or else this wouldn't work.

"Sy, with your talent…they're gonna want to put you on the high profile cases. Celebrity security. Concerts, movie premiers, things like that. You'll be wasted as a small town rent-a-cop." there was true concern in her face and her voice as she drove them out of the park and onto the main road to Secure Source's compound.

"If there's a need I can fill, how is that a waste? There's lots of talent in this program. Just 'cause I finished first don't mean I did it the best. And I'm sure most of these folks have the people skills to take them farther'n me. And if you wanna gimme first crack at those, I'll hear ya out. Just…let me reserve the right to turn down the out of town jobs. Especially if they're short notice. And if it takes me away from another security job, I want you to send me a replacement a few days in advance so I can meet 'em, train 'em, and introduce 'em around."

"Seems reasonable." Jane said.

"Well, alright, then. I think we got ourselves a deal. I'll shower up in the locker room real quick, then meet ya in the commissary for a sandwich so we can handle the particulars?"

"Sure, Sy." she agreed as they pulled into the parking structure.

They went their separate ways, Jane to her office, and Sy to the quartermaster to return his supplies and get the key to his locker. He practically danced there, he was so giddy to get to call Shane. He did need a quick shower first, though. Which he took, grabbing some shampoo and soap out of his travel bag. When he got back to his locker, towel around his waist, he replaced the products and grabbed his phone. He sat on the bench between the rows of lockers as it booted up.

When it did, it began alerting him as if it's life depended on it. Three text messages, three voicemails, … and twenty four missed calls. That was odd. Maybe a telemarketer had gotten his number.

He checked the texts first. One was a picture of Aika from Fred, his neighbor, the other two were from Shane…two days ago. The day he went into the park.

Hey, hope you have a great first day of Survivor: Virginia! Lol! Be safe! I love you!

OMG, nutty day today! I'm gonna be doing notes for hours! I'll text you in the morning! <3

And then nothing…he chuckled at Survivor: Virginia, but was a bit concerned. Maybe she'd decided not to waste time texting him if he wasn't going to respond? He didn't know. Maybe some of the calls or voicemails were from her. He'd check before calling.

One from his mom, one from the Stephen's house phone, and the rest were from Fort Wood Therapy. That was weird. He was discharged and didn't have any appointments…surely he wasn't missing any…Shane would have said something. He listened to the voicemails. The first one was from Heather.

"Hey, Sy, it's Heather, Shane's friend here at therapy. Hey, give me a call when you get this. Thanks."

Weird…the next one was from Susan, Shane's boss. In the same tone.

"Captain Syverson, it's Susan DeForrest here at Fort Wood Therapy Clinic. Please give us a call when you get this. Thank you."

Again, weird. The last one was Susan again and far less friendly and measured.

"Mr. Syverson. I don't know what kind of game you're playing, but you need to bring Shane back to work and stop screwing around. One or both of you is in serious trouble. Either you're being hot-lined for abduction or she's fired for not showing up for work. The choice will be hers." and the line went dead.

Sy felt his stomach twist into nauseated knots at Susan's words. Shane hadn't been to work. For how long? He had to call them. He didn't want to think about the horror that might have befallen Shane while he'd been away.

"Fort Wood Therapy Clinic, this is Heather, how may I help you?" Heather said, trying to hide the obvious worry beneath the cordial demeanor.

"Heather, it's Sy, what the hell's going on with Shane? What do you mean, she hasn't been to work, I don't…"

"Let me give you to Susan, Sy. I'm sorry." She added the last two words in a whisper. After a brief moment on hold, Susan picked up.

"So, Mr. Syverson. Finally decided to call us back?"

"Cut it out, Susan." He let her blatant ignorance of his rank slide in favor of getting to the point. "Tell me what's going on."

"Shane left work Monday and hasn't been back since. No one has seen her. Apart from you, I presume. I knew letting her date a patient would come back to bite me. I should never have--"

"Shut up! This isn't about you, and it isn't because of you. And you had no right to tell Shane who she could and couldn't date, anyway. I haven't seen her in about a week and a half. I'm training out of state for a job. I've been away from my phone since Monday, and I just got back to it now."

"She isn't…with you? I assumed…"

"Well, you know what they say, Susan. I'm coming back early if I can manage it. See if I can do something to help find her. Thanks for calling me. I know your intentions weren't the best when you did, but ultimately, it worked out. I may not have found out otherwise, at least until… much later."

He hung up before she could respond. He had to talk to Jane about cutting his training short. This was all his fault. If he had just come to the realization of just how important, how vital Shane really was to him before he left…well he never would have gone in the first place. She was his life now. His world. His future, and his whole heart. Tears stung his eyes as he dressed to meet Jane in the commissary. She'd have to be okay with this. She'd have to understand.

As he got closer to the smell of fry oil, seasonings, and sizzling meat on a griddle, aromas that usually made his stomach grumble with hunger, he had to swallow back the bile that crept up his throat. He found her seated at a small round four-top, already eating a salad. He sat across from her, startling her from whatever she was reading on her phone, and again when she looked at his expression and complexion.

"Sy, what's wrong? You look downright green!"

"Listen, Jane, I'm going to have to leave training early." She scowled at him, but he was more concerned with the putrid smells of boiled egg and onion coming off her chef salad. He had to get this over with quick before he wretched in the middle of the mess hall.

"That's a big ask, Sy. Gonna have to have a reason."

"I just got a call that my girlfriend is missing. I need to go home and help find her."

"Oh…yeah, that's…that's some reason. I'm really sorry to hear that. Any leads so far?"

"No, I just got off the phone with her useless boss and all she told me was that she hasn't been to work since Monday and can't be reached on her phone. I have my suspicions, but I wanna talk to the authorities."

"Okay, well. Maybe when things calm down at home, we can set you up with some online courses like we do for our assets who need refreshers, but are on assignment. I'll approve that for you."

"Thanks," he said, gratefully, "I'm also wondering if the company has any…transportation solutions for me…of an immediate nature?"

"Man, what were your letters to Santa like as a child?"

"Oh, you know, a little red wagon, end of poverty, world peace…that kind of stuff." he grinned his most charming grin.

"Why am I not surprised? Okay, but you have to return the favor somehow, Sy."

"How about, one assignments of your choosing, no questions asked?"

"Hmmm, what about five assignments?"

"Three?" he countered.

"Done." they shook hands across the table. "I would have settled at two." she smirked.

"I would have done ten." he winked at her as he turned to retrieve his belongings from his bunk and locker. He had a plane…or perhaps a chopper to catch.

Up Next: Chapter 14: No Call No Show

#Sand Castle #netflix sand castle #captain syverson #captain syverson fanfic #henry cavill #henry cavill fanfic #sigh for sy

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magnetarmadda · 3 years

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Yo... I've followed you for a while and I see you talk about grad school here and there. I'm currently applying after a hefty six year gap since getting my bachelor's and I'm kinda.... scared. If it's not too prying--do you have any advice? Are you holding down a day job at the same time, or is that probably not a good idea? Is it really difficult to juggle it all?

Hey! Yeah, no problem, totally cool to ask! Warning, though, this has turned into a bit of an essay lol

Ngl my first reaction to most people being like “so grad school?” is to just straight up go “no don’t do it,” but that’s bc most people in my field go to grad school straight out of undergrad. So if you’ve seen me say stuff like “don’t go to grad school,” that’s why! It’s not for the faint of heart, but as a returning student, you’re more likely to be in a position to know about your mental and physical health, which is I think the most important part of being successful in grad school. My biggest advice is to create a support network both inside and outside of your program, and to start building the external network as you start applying--friends (hi!), family, coworkers, previous professors, etc. I am not exaggerating when I say I would’ve dropped out of the program if I didn’t have my external support network to help me keep things in perspective and to attempt to convince me to have a work-life balance

As to your other questions, I work as an adjunct faculty member at the local community college, where I teach 2-3 courses per semester on top of my teaching assistantship as my grad university. This is both because I want more experience teaching (I plan to teach in higher ed after I get my doctorate) and because being a TA doesn’t pay much (it’s really bad, that’s a whole issue--TAs and adjuncts are the teaching backbone of higher ed, and we get paid like shit and rarely get benefits). It’s really hard to balance everything, I’m not gonna lie, but every semester, it’s about finding a new rhythm. “What days do I teach? When are exams and homework due? When will I need to grade? What days require a lot of prep?” versus “what are my responsibilities as a student?” The second part will change as you get deeper into the program. As a fifth year, I no longer take courses and am instead in full-time dissertation mode, registering only for dissertation credits. I’m not a great example of work-life balance, but I’ve been working on it--therapy has helped a lot

That said, I have had a second part-time job (in addition to my assistantships) for all five years I’ve been in grad school. Many of my peers have full-time jobs outside of grad school, and some are married with children. it’s all possible, but it’s about finding what works for you and, again, having non-grad school people who can support the changes you’ll make in your life to make things happen. In my life, my husband cooks dinner and handles a lot of our finances so I don’t have to worry about those things; I have a friend whose wife takes the kids out for an activity every Wednesday evening so he can have dedicated time alone in the house (which has gotten more complicated with Covid, but the kids have had Lots of walks and snowball fights in the winter); I have another friend who lives alone and meal preps every Sunday to avoid worrying about what she’ll eat all week long, and to help with that, we all send her new recipes when she requests them

This is also where a grad school support system helps out a lot, too. I can vent to my external support network easily, and I’ve done it many times in my five years here, but when I want school help or solutions, there’s not much they can do for me. So I then turn to people in my cohort, to professors I’ve had as instructors or done research with, or other friends I’ve made who are also grad students but not necessarily in my cohort or program (or have recently graduated, as some of my friends have finished their degrees in the last year). I wasn’t actually friends with most of my initial cohort (I was weird, I was a concurrent student, meaning I was getting two graduate degrees simultaneously for a hot minute, and I’m referring to my doctoral program for this part). I get on with most of them, but we’re not close; I started to become good friends with a couple of my peers who are in the cohort two years behind me, and that’s helped the last few years a lot, especially now that we’re in a pandemic and so many things have been and continue to be virtual

I'm also upfront about this next bit (both with my professors/research mentor and my students, and online), but I have multiple chronic illnesses, am disabled, am neurodivergent, and have an anxiety disorder. This has made grad school a bit more of a nightmare for me than average--I was actually hospitalized over two years ago for my chronic migraines, and I’ve had to radically alter my personal program three separate times to get the point I’m at. But now I’m in my (hopefully) final year, working on my dissertation, and preparing for post-doctoral life (i.e., looking for professorships and post-docs). I don’t consider myself an inspiration by any means--I’m definitely more of a caution sign lol--and I absolutely made some choices early on in grad school that have negatively impacted my health for probably the rest of my life (not sleeping enough, not taking enough breaks, rarely exercising, horrible eating habits). That said, we’re all going through our own variety of A Lot in grad school, so I like to think we end up being a very supportive and understanding bunch

#I hope this was helpful #if you have other questions lemme know #if you have specific questions you'd like to talk about privately feel free to message me #I'm working on a grant application atm so applications are definitely in my wheelhouse this week #grad school

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surveys-at-your-service · 3 years

Text

Survey #363

(one more that’s a late upload from way earlier in the day, and i yet again don’t feel like updating the answers)

What brings out the worst in you? When I'm very anxious or having a PTSD episode, I can become very snappy and just not a joy to be around. What all did you eat today? This morning I had oatmeal, I had a rice cake as a snack, and lunch was ham and cheese on a tortilla. Some people were really destructive as a child, were you? No, I was a good kid. Who was the last person you were in a car with? My mom. Who was the last person you cried in front of? It was probably Mom. Do you talk about your feelings or hide them? I usually talk about them somewhere, like in surveys if I feel I can't with anyone else. Please be vocal with your feelings. It is so destructive to let them build up. Who was the last person you were with that smelled REALLY good? I'm unsure. Do you know anyone that is gothic? A good number of people, myself included at least in spirit. ;~; I can't really afford good attire, nor do I have the patience for so much makeup maintenance. Have you seen UP? I actually haven't seen the full movie, but I'd like to. How is your mom? Stressed as fuck and tired of everything. What color hair does your mom have? She recently dyed it black. Her hair is growing back totally gray now and she hated it. She's gotten so self-conscious as she's aged. When was the last time you were told you were cute? Idk. Do you feel comfortable getting up and giving speeches? FUCK NO. Have you ever dipped french fries in a frosty? I tried it once and did not get the appeal. Did you have school/class today? No. My school endeavors are done. Do you have any paintings in your room? If so, of what? Yeah, I have my big painting of meerkats grooming above all my 'kat plushies. Have you ever had your photo professionally taken? As a child and by school photographers, anyway. Would you prefer eating jello or pudding? Pudding. After washing your hair, do you put any products in it? No. Last time you ate a salad? Like a week ago when we went to Ichiban for my sister's bday. Do you know how old your house is? No, I don't. Have you ever been described as ”adorable”? Yeah. Have you ever given a lap dance? No. They seem incredibly awkward to me?? Would you accept a boring job if it meant you would make mega bucks? No. I can't do a job I hate for anything. I would be so depressed. Are you a moody person? Yes. What are you listening to? I'm watching Gab Smolders' new episode of Resident Evil 8: Village. I'm deadass watching four different LPers play it, I'm only moderately obsessed lmao. What video game could you waste the most time on? WoW, given it has like a zillion different things to do. Yet I still get bored lmao. What is your favorite condiment? Maybe Ketchup? I think I use that for the most things. What is the worst thing that you have ever done? I don't feel like getting into this. How old were you when your parents gave you the "birds and the bees" talk? They didn't; I learned in my school's sex ed in the 5th grade. Have you ever questioned whether or not you'd benefit from therapy? I have benefited from it. What would you like it to say on your gravestone? Hypothetically, idk. But I'd rather be cremated. Would you ever wear real leather or animal fur? NO. Have you ever completely failed a year of school and had to repeat a grade? No. Have you ever been bitten by an animal that wasn't a cat or a dog? Which? I think my old baby iguana bit me once or twice, not that it was very painful at her young age. I can't recall another animal. What type of literature are you most likely to read? (book, magazine, etc) Books. Do you prefer using candles, wax melts, or incense? Incense. Are you someone who actually doesn't have a Facebook? No, I have one. What kind(s) of Facebook groups are you active in, if any? I'm not really *active* in any; I just observe them and interact via "like"s. I'm actually in a whole lot of groups, though. Do you enjoy any herbal or fruit teas? What kinds? Neither. Do you hear any animals right now? No. What are your thoughts on Avenged Sevenfold? I know and like a few songs, especially "Dear God." Do you like Batman? Yeah, I like his "refuse to murder" ideology. The only thing is I kinda have a bad connection attached to him, because Batman was Jason's thing. Have you ever played fetch with a dog? Yes. Does your house have a fireplace? Yeah actually, but it might be fake? I don't even know lol. Have you ever pet a stingray? No. Have you ever dissected a baby pig in a class at school? Oh my god, no. I literally could never. I did dissect a frog in the 7th grade that wound up to be pregnant, though... I wasn't happy about it, but at the same time it was very interesting. Who is the last baby you held? My niece. Do you like Sunkist? The orange kind is fine, but the STRAWBERRY flavor? Jfc I love that shit. Would you ever consider being a cannibal? UM NO Do you have any scars from an animal? I have a lot of scars on my hands from playing with Roman. I scar extremely easily, so just his little scrapes leave marks. Have you ever seen an Igloo? No. Do you like Korn? Love 'em. How many animals do you have? Really two, but we have three in the house right now. Idk when this dog is going away. Are you more afraid of tornadoes or hurricanes? Tornados. Ever rode in a helicopter? No. Do you like rabbits? Yes, they're adorable. Do you like mushrooms? NO. What was the last movie you cried at? I want to say Logan, but I'm not sure. I watch movies so rarely that I really don't know. Would you rather work for a small or large company? Small. I'd feel more useful. What is the rudest thing a guy has ever done to you? I don't know. Have you ever read the book 13 Reasons Why? Yeah. I thought it was good, but now I don't remember like... anything about it. What did you have for breakfast this morning? I had apple and cinnamon oatmeal. How many times have you read your favorite book? Just once. I don't re-read books. Have you ever been on Omegle? No. Are you still in love with one of your exes? "In love," no. Do you think being born was a mistake? Yeesh, no. Has a relative ever been arrested? My psychotic uncle (by marriage) has been. Was it a serious crime? Quite honestly, I don't remember. I just know he's an angry and dangerous motherfucker. Do you think the Fountain of Youth exists? No. How about in a parallel dimension? Doubtful. Do you believe humans are part of a giant alien experiment? I ponder over the possibility of being a research simulation, kind of like a much advanced version of The Sims, but I honestly doubt it. Have you ever been suicidal? Yes. Was it a passing phase or is it something controlled by medication? Therapy and medication saved me. Is there a holiday you wish no one celebrated? Which is it? Why do you feel that way? Fight me about Christopher Columbus Day. He didn't discover shit. Have you taken any writing classes? How about art? I've taken a writing course in college, and I've taken loads of art classes. What’s your all-time favourite band? How about all-time fave singer? Ozzy Osbourne; Freddie Mercury. What three songs do you want played at your funeral? Why those particular songs? "Like A Woman" by Alice Cooper, "Life Is Beautiful" by Sixx A.M., and "Angels on the Moon" by Thriving Ivory. I just like them and find them suiting. Do you think most mythological creatures exist? No. Have you ever had lice? No. What is one superstition that freaks you out? Why is that? I’m not superstitious. Are either of your parents retired yet and if not, what do they do? No. Dad is a mailman, and while Mom doesn't ~officially~ work yet because she's recovering from intense cancer treatment, she very recently resumed lightly cleaning a church for a small payment. Kinda like a warmup. When did you or do you want to move out of your parents’ house? I wanna move out once I'm in a long-term, stable relationship with someone so we can live together. Me living alone is NOT a good idea. How do you like your current job, or if you’re unemployed, have you been looking for employment? I don't have a job, but when I go to my tattoo appointment, I'm going to ask them if they'd be interested in hiring someone for the front desk. I think it's def something I could do because I love the environment, there's really not that much I need to know (like where the Doritos are, dealing with exact change, answering a dozen unique questions), it's not insanely busy, and the occasional phone call would challenge my anxiety and just be a minor inconvenience to me until I got used to it. My partial hospitalization program really got me wanting to fight back against what gives me anxiety, to truly expose myself to what scares me, while not going totally overboard with it. It was encouraging to hear my therapist there thought it was a magnificent idea for me. I decided I wanted to ask while at the parlor getting work done to show serious interest (like I'm not just some random chick walking in and asking for a job), as well as let the people warm up to me. I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much, but damn am I wishing. I want it so badly. What kind of booze did you last take shots of? I've never taken shots.

#survey #surveys #questions

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doinbetter · 4 years

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this is very personal so i completely understand if u don’t want to share!! but i know you have mentioned that you have struggled with an eating disorder in the past. so i’m wondering how you are doing and how you’ve sort of fixed ur eating habits and patterns and how they’ve changed to become more healthy? like have you struggled with binge eating or self control issues with food for example?

i’d like to open this w this is NOT a guide for how to manage an eating disorder & if anyone’s reading this that’s struggling with one, you should get help if you can. you’ll see that that’s hypocritical of me but I don't rly want anyone to go through what I’ve been through w it.

I’m definitely comfortable with sharing it, but this does get super personal lol so if u don't care to see this or if you’re gonna be a dick about it, i’d prefer if you didn’t read this all.

ok this is a rly long answer but i feel like it’s necessary to see the whole picture to understand where I’m at? I was about to be vague like...

“well its been ok for a few years now and it’s constantly on my mind, but that’s fine bc I can manage it by reducing negative influences and eating a balanced diet! :))) maybe I’ll get help when I’m older!!!:)))))”

but I’m giving my long answer. I wouldn’t want someone seeing this like “oh! she just eats healthy and it’s fine now!” I just can not minimize this and make it seem less important than it is. ED’s suck and fuck w your mental / physical health like nothing else.

My history with my ED:

I’ve actually been doing relatively well w/ the restricting aspect recently (as in for the past 3 years) barring what I call my “annual bad week.” the worst of the restricting happened first in 7th-8th grade, then in in spring & summer 2017. it usually flares up when my life gets out of balance in some way, like in 7th and 8th grade, 4 of my family members died, my mom was in the hospital, my dad wasn’t emotionally present and I was super insecure in general. junior year, i was in a really toxic friend group & in a REALLYYYY toxic / abusive relationship.

Regularly, it’s easier for me to force myself to eat than to stop myself from eating. This is why i’ve struggled to get down to a healthy weight since I gained like 40 lbs after my 2017 flare up. (sidenote: this is what people mean when they say heavily restricting isn’t effective for weight loss. I had been restricting for so long, that when I started eating more again, I just couldn’t stop. and now I’m actually overweight, when I started at a healthy weight. but that’s not the worst thing in the world. I’ve just been **slowly** losing that extra weight for the past 2 years in an effort to get to a healthy weight, but it’s so much more taxing when you’re trying to balance wanting to minimize the negative health impacts of being overweight, with not wanting to fall into your ed again.)

There are still some nights where I overeat, and yea I feel kinda guilty still, but I’m good at not punishing myself for it the next day. imo it’s so much healthier for me to accept being a bit overweight still and overeat sometimes, as long as I'm not quickly gaining or losing weight.

How I’ve been managing it without therapy (not recommended but I do what I gotta do):

Nowadays, I try to just eat a normal amount of what I’m craving when I’m craving it & to not worry about it, rather than making a big deal about it. and that’s good enough to prevent Major binge/restrict cycles from starting, which was my main issue between my main flare ups (like in 9th / 10th grade). Even if I wasn’t quickly losing a ton of weight, I’d binge eat and then restrict bc I felt guilty, until i binge ate again, then i’d restrict again, & I tied my worth/confidence to what I was eating.

My body image has also improved a lot as i’ve gotten older, and my weight has regulated now that I’m not in a relationship. i’ve been in some unhealthy friend groups & relationships, but now that i’m not in those situations, my habits are a lot healthier.

until I’m able to get formal help for it, I’m just trying to live the most balanced lifestyle possible- which includes choosing healthy relationships, not getting too stressed/ leaving stressful situations, getting the right amount of exercise, sleeping plenty, and being mindful about food without letting it control my emotions.

therapy thoughts:

i haven’t gotten help for it yet, but really I should and want to. it’s mostly just money holding me back, bc I don't want to approach my parents with it to get help paying for it. there are reasons that I don’t want them to know, and I’m not sure they even really “believe” in therapy anyways bc I asked for it junior year and they didn’t think I needed it. unfortunately, they’re still the generation that thinks you only need therapy if things are Really Visibly Bad, and things never got visibly bad for me- I’ve always looked healthy.

My actual health / life hasn’t been at risk in recent years, but I do trust myself to know when I’m getting junior-year-level bad again. It’s definitely on my mind, but luckily I’m able to manage it so that it doesn’t physically manifest.

But I definitely want to see a professional ASAP, and definitely before I have children of my own, because a lot of my disordered tendencies can be tied directly to my mom. it has become painfully obvious that she’s always had a bad body image and unhealthy eating habits, and she passed a lot of that onto me by a) not setting a good example, but more importantly b) by congratulating me when I lost noticeable weight (even tho I was always at a healthy weight & had no need to lose weight in the first place) and by condemning me and humiliating me when I gained weight.

#ask #ed #ed tw #personal #tw

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myherohcs · 4 years

Text

Single Dad Present Mic scenario/headcanons

Gave him a daughter in this one! I named her Kaya because I got bored using “the child” or “his daughter” the whole time lol. #Kaya In The Skya

warnings: angst, loss of a spouse (no gender), eventual EraserMic, fluff because my boy deserves it, and kinda long!

🎙Present Mic would have loved his S/O so much for years and years and years if he was given the chance. They would probably be a hero too, but he's the kind of guy who would love just about anyone. Hero, civilian, quirk, quirkless, Mic believes in love above all else.

🎙But Mic is around heroes so much, he'd probably meet his S/O in the line of duty. They would hit it off quick and everyone would remember the two for having such an easy and passionate love for one another from the beginning.

🎙They were that couple that moved in with each other after only a few months dating, got engaged after six months, and married a year after meeting each other. They would adopt their daughter not long after that.

🎙Everything moved so naturally fast for them and Hizashi would thank his lucky stars for that later on.

🎙He would remember how normal the day had been when he found out he lost his spouse. They died as many heroes do; saving others. The news came to him after a long day of teaching followed by a visit to the radio station to plan an upcoming segment before going home to take over babysitting for his S/O. The tradeoff was short and Hizashi was barely awake when he kissed them goodbye for the night. He would rest and watch over the mostly sleeping 4-year-old, Kaya, while they went out for a patrol through their hero agency.

He would get the call in the early hours of the morning. He needed to go to the hospital quickly. It was bad. He didn’t want to bring Kaya, so he called the first person he thought of.

Shouta had been awake grading papers and almost didn’t answer his phone. It was the perfect time for Hizashi to need help home from the bar and he didn’t know if have the energy for that tonight. But he did answer. Like he always does. He knew immediately by the mere tone of his friend’s voice that something terrible was wrong. Hizashi sounded terrified and he needed Aizawa to watch his daughter for him. He had to go to the hospital. Hizashi didn’t have to explain much after that statement. It was every hero’s nightmare to have a loved one beyond their realm of saving, but unfortunately a common thing in their line of business. Aizawa agreed and Mic was at his apartment in no time and gone again in a flash. Shouta's goddaughter slept soundly through it all.

🎙Hizashi loss that night would destroy him. He’d need a lot of support from his friends and coworkers in the weeks following the incident.

🎙It was one of the few times anyone could really remember Hizashi going silent. He is usually so vocal about his feelings, but in this time of great emotion, words failed him.

When he could speak again, when he could function again, he found himself emotionlessly arranging the funeral and taking care of all the duties one must take care of when they lose a spouse. He took care of his daughter too, but it was done more upon instinct than anything really conscious. A hero’s funeral is one of the worst to deal with. It’s hard to deal with the rampage of emotions being projected onto you. You should honor the hero for their sacrifice, but you must deal with the fact that it was such an avoidable death. The media can swarm depending on the popularity of the hero. Present Mic got it bad. The couple had been very open about their marriage and always in the public eye, and the story of a hero becoming a widowed father was not one to pass up. Hizashi barely batted an eye at the attention. In fact, he barely reacted at all. How could he when he just lost everything? Nemuri and Aizawa stayed with him that night. Surprisingly, it was Aizawa who confronted him about his lack of emotion after the funeral. In a weird, alternate-dimension-type moment, it was Eraser’s turn for once to break Mic out of his shell.

“You know, it’s illogical to not feel something after this Yamada.“

Hizashi broke down and admitted he was hurting to his friends. He was terrified at raising Kaya alone. He was afraid of going back to work and having to deal with others again. His friends helped him through it all.

Nemuri and Aizawa took shifts being with Hizashi and helping him take care of Kaya after that. Aizawa took his role as a Godfather seriously. He had accepted years ago that he would never have children. This would be the closest he’d ever come to being a parent and a small part of him wanted to prove that he could be good at that.

Kaya was old enough to recognize the change in the household and had some trouble accepting her caretaker wasn’t retuning. Hizashi and her both attended therapy to get through this new shift in their life.

🎙 Hizashi took some time off, but went back to work quicker than most expected. Mic thrives when he’s with others and knew the only way he was going to find some semblance of normality again was by getting out there and talking again.

The main difference now was that he usually had his favorite listener with him. UA has an early education center and Kaya started coming to work with him. They would show up early everyday and Kaya would usually stick with Mic until he had to drop her off and go teach his classes. This meant she was a familiar face in the teacher’s lounge.

🎙Kaya liked to color during staff meetings. She liked to bring cookies for all the teachers. She would sometimes be tired in the earlier mornings and sleep in Aizawa's sleeping bag while everyone worked and planned for the day.

🎙She hung around Aizawa all the time. She was enamored with the quiet, dark-haired man who would take care of her and teach her things. She would sometimes nap with Eraser or be allowed to visit his class with her dad. She loved getting to see him and it became obvious to everyone that she saw him as a parent as much as she did her own father.

🎙One day Kaya woke up sick. She had a fever and Hizashi has to drag her through their morning routine as she feels so tired. Hizashi told her they would go see Recovery Girl when they got to school.

🎙Aizawa knew something was wrong the moment Hizashi walked into the teacher’s lounge.

Mic hadn’t gelled up his hair that morning. He only ever did that when either he was sick or Kaya was sick. Mic could never be bothered to do extra work like style his hair when he was sick. And when Kaya was under the weather, she liked to hide behind his curtain of hair.

“What’s wrong?”

The other teachers looked up in surprise at Aizawa’s question and Mic smiled at his coworkers.

“Kaya is feeling a little under the weather today.”

He went over to his work desk and carefully sat down with the child. Shouta reached over to check her temperature and found her too warm for comfort. Kaya had fallen asleep and blinked lazily at Aizawa before yawning and snuggling back into her father.

"Recovery girl will be in soon. Maybe we should go down to her office and wait for her," said Aizawa.

Hizashi would smile at his friend and thank his lucky stars he had someone like Eraser in his life who cared so much for his daughter.

🎙Aizawa was around a lot, but happened to miss the first time Kaya used her quirk.

Teleportation.

Hizashi and Kaya had been walking back from visiting Aizawa's class and one moment his daughter was there, the next she was gone.

It scared the living daylights out of Hizashi. He had an inkling it had to do with her quirk as Kaya's preschool teacher had warned him she was at the right age to start any day now. However, nothing could have prepared him.

He raced back to the training grounds to get Aizawa and burst in on his lesson to announce Kaya's disappearance. He had already been shouting from a good distance away and it wasn't until he was almost directly upon Aizawa did he realize his friend was already holding his daughter.

Aizawa stood there stoic as ever as the four-year-old beamed at her father, so excited to see him.

Hizashi dramatically fell over in relief and the students got in a quick laugh before Eraser shooed them off.

"You should keep better track of your daughter, Yamada."

Hizashi laughed, "Yeah, I guess I really should now."

🎙Kaya's quirk was hard to control. She would think about Aizawa or Midnight or someone else she liked being around and would often (without intention) teleport to their side.

One time she spent an afternoon with Principal Nedzu this way. She adored the fluffy, white creature and hung onto every word he said during his long, drawn out conversations. He was unbothered by her sudden appearance in his office and kept her around to give her some pointers about her quirk as apposed to sending her back to the preschool. He would prove to teach Kaya all kinds of things about her quirk and the potential behind it.

Another time she popped in on Toshinori as he was teaching class 1-A. They were in the middle of a training simulation and Toshi had to jump into action to save her from the crossfire between his students. He hadn't moved that quick in weeks and held his All Might form for a good 30 seconds after rescuing the girl as he had gotten terriblly worked up thinking about how much she could have hurt herself. His students stopped their antics to find out what had suddenly brought All Might's hero form out and sent someone to let Present Mic know Kaya was on the training grounds.

🎙Kaya had to wear a special bracelet to alert others of her quirk and had her father's agency's phone number on it for emergencies or in case she teleported somewhere and got lost.

🎙Kaya would learn to better control her teleportation quirk faster than most kids as she had some of the best teachers in the world giving her tips and watching over her.

🎙Aizawa was a big help. He rarely had to erase Kaya's quirk, but it did come in handy on the occasions Kaya couldn't concentrate enough to stay in one place.

🎙Kaya spent all her time with the teachers of UA. They all took it upon themselves to teach her valuable lessons and give her memorable experiences.

🎙People would ask Hizashi if he would ever start dating again, but he would just tell people he already had everything he needed.

He had his daughter and an amazing support system behind him. He was happy.

It wasn't until USJ that he remembered how quick happiness can be taken away.

🎙It felt like losing his spouse all over again. He almost lost Shouta. The one person he can rely on no matter what.

It reminds him that there's no time like the present to live your life and take chances.

🎙He confesses in that hospital room. In a moment of quiet tenderness he tells Shouta he's in love with him and he wants him to move in with him and Kaya. This life could end at any moment, so he wanted Aizawa close to cherish every bit of it.

Aizawa was going to need the extra help anyway, but that's not why he agrees.

He loved Hizashi too.

🎙And together they raise Kaya. And Eri. And Shinsou.

And they both get the big family they always wanted.

And they both enjoy every last day with eachother.

#bnha #my hero academia #boku no hero academia #mha #aizawa shouta #eraserhead #yamada hizashi #single dad present mic #present mic #headcannons #kaya from z nation boi

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doggrowth · 4 years

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What it honestly feels like to graduate in 2020

From the perspective of an incredibly sentimental/emotional person.

Important: this is not the most important thing in the world right now. There are much bigger injustices and difficulties happening. Not getting a graduation ceremony or prom is something 2020 grads will get over, but that does not mean we cannot and should not grieve the things we hoped for.

There are lots of kids out there, in high school and university, that are not upset by not getting a graduation ceremony due to the effects of the Covid pandemic. I know a lot of kids have taken this situation and have spun it positively... or they simply do not care. But I am not either of those people. I took this personally and was absolutely devastated. I have not cried uncontrollably this much since Avengers: Endgame (that’s a joke I definitely have cried more - especially when I watched Star Wars: the Last Jedi... I don’t know why). I know that people all across the world are missing out on all kinds of things: final seasons of sports, competitions, proms, and other school traditions. But I am just going to draw from my own experiences... because it’s all I have.

When I was in grade ten I made friends with a bunch of grade twelves who were in the drama club. I was anticipating watching them leave, but it was consistently comforting knowing that in two short years I would be in their place. When we finished our drama year, they cried because they were done with drama and I cried because they would be leaving. I watched as the senioritis took over and they gave in and dropped the classes they didn’t actually need. I was there with them on their last day of high school. We all ate lunch at our usual spot one last time, I gave them gifts and we took loads of pictures. I spent forth period sitting on the lawn outside the school, just talking to them. I saw them the next day as they retrieved and tried on their grad gowns in the drama room. I was the emcee at their ceremony so I watched them all nervously go up onto the stage on grad day. I got to hug them and talk to them and cry to them. I went to their grand march and we danced and cried together. I went to a party with them and then it was over.

I loved the decorations, the photos, the suits and dresses, the speeches, everything. It wasn’t unique. It was the same kind of graduation ceremony that every class gets every year. It’s a big school with nearly 300 graduates every year and it can be really impersonal. But it was also their grad and it was special for them and exciting in it’s own way.

It was also exactly what they were promised their entire lives. If you’re lucky you get an over the top pre-kindergarten graduation with the hats and food and... I don’t remember what else was done there. Most schools do a “grade eight grad” I’ve found. Our high school graduation is hinted at in small doses our entire lives (even more than graduating university which is arguably much bigger). We see cousins or siblings or friends graduate high school and it seems so far away but really cool and grown up. And some kids really don’t care about that stuff, I know my brother didn’t. But when I watched my friends two years ago I looked forward to my day. It was also going to be 300 other students days and millions across the world but everyone would celebrate the biggest thing that I’ve done in my life so far. I wanted everything that had to do with my senior year. I wanted the last few months of terrible stress and senioritis that ultimately would end up being worth it. I wanted to get to finish my last play in the drama club and get to go to the regional drama festival and win or lose, I don’t really care anymore. I wanted a day where I could dramatically walk out the door and have a chance to empty my locker. I wanted to see group pictures of people either jumping in the air saying “we did it” or just flipping off the school with the caption “good riddance” (I’ve already seen some of those but it’s just a bit different vibes lol). And, as egotistical as it sounds, I wanted a big stage and massive decorations and a dance party to bad country music because I’m from Saskatchewan and no matter how much I asked for it I probably wouldn’t have gotten them to play Mr. Blue Sky. And I wanted to get to sit in a crappy, uncomfortable, slippery blue chair on the concrete floor for three hours to watch the people I went to school with and didn’t really talk to walk across the stage as a strange playlist of country music mixed with 80s best hits played in the background. And I also would have loved a giant sign reading “2020″ to pose in front of because that’s such a cool number. Not only did I want all of that, I was promised that my entire life. Until I was suddenly told that I was not getting ANY of that.

My heart broke. It’s still breaking. I feel like I still have minuscule bits of hope that I might get a real high school grad with these people one day. And I was really having a hard time being excited about the things that my school is doing.

We have been able to get grad pictures done. They were done last week and although it was a lovely experience, I also cried for an hour after I got mine done because it just wasn’t what I wanted. As soon as I put my graduation gown on for the pictures I realized how much I didn’t want to take it off and how I badly I wished that I could walk across the stage after being handed my diploma.

Of course graduating high school is (hopefully) not the most exciting thing that is going to happen my entire life. Of course when I’m 54 I’m going to look back on my life and not be so upset about it anymore. But that really doesn’t matter. Because right now, at 18 years old, this is the biggest thing that I have done my entire life. And I know exactly what I am missing out on when it comes to celebrating that.

But... I haven’t been in therapy for five years of my life for no reason; I know how to look towards the positive in these kinds of situations. I’m super excited to get my grad pictures in the mail and to also take photos in the $300 dress my parents got me. I will get to have friends and family time where I celebrate with the people who matter the most. More graduation photos have been posted on the school’s instagram than ever. We have been able to have more personal experiences through social media. At the end of the month there will be a beautiful video put together of all of the graduates with their plans and stories and photos. It’s so much more personal. Although I would 1000% take a proper/plain/boring grad year over this, I will admit that it is nice. That once I got all my tears out, I was able to smile when my mom took me to party city to buy decorations. I am excited to see the video and, even if it doesn’t really feel like it, I did it. I did graduate. And I have a lot more to look forward to.

#class of 2020 #graduation #grad 2020

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100-yardstare · 5 years

Text

I can’t believe I missed ace awareness week. I wanted to blog a little about it, but my computer charger failed on me and it’s taken about a month for me to prepare for the bill to replace it. I feel yucky right now so I just felt like writing about what’s going on in general instead.

I’ve been on so many interviews. I was screwed over on my last big job interview (the one I ranted about last time) partially because I think my old boss that said she be a reference flat out told me she wasn’t going to do it AFTER I submitted her as a reference to the job, so I’m almost 98% sure I was passed over because of that. In addition one of the committee members that interviewed me got mad at me for calling her “ma’m”. She explained she wasn’t from Texas, and I apologized and said something on the lines of it must be a culture shock for her and I didn’t mean to offend. Somehow people think the term is used as an insult now, and that is beyond me. I guess I’m old school lol age is catching up with me and I’m not even realizing it.

So I’ve been on plenty of interviews since then but I keep getting passed over. The last one I had to take a aptitude test, and after receiving feedback from them as to why I was rejected, it’s apparently because I’m a slow calculator/clerical worker. Big whoop because I already know that. I am really feeling the negativity now as an adult looking for work about neurodivergent people trying to find a place in a neurotypical working world. I don’t want to disclose me being ADD to anybody in pre-employment screenings because I don’t want that label to penalize me. But one way or another being ADD does just so anyway.

Because it’s been about 9 months now without work I’ve been seeing my savings decline heavily. My medication bills are at least 155 a month, and on top of that I’m still paying off a stupid hospital bill from 3 years ago that was roughly 2,000 dollars for swallowing barium and a doctor looking at an X-Ray. So that comes to immediately at minimum 200+ dollars a month just on that. Add in the other stuff and I’m fucked without an income. I’ve applied to so many retail jobs too, but nobody gets back to me either.

I don’t go out much anymore because I can’t afford to charge for dinners, so I eat whatever my mom cooks. If she is too sick from her RA, then I try and cook, but because we don’t go to the store as often anymore to save on bills (my parents are having a hard time too) I have resorted to eating canned beans, soups, and others of likeness that don’t go bad. My father is also emotionally abusive to both me and my mom, and it’s gotten worse ever since he started having problems with his job. I can’t leave because I don’t have the money to live on my own. My hobbies have heavily declined. I used to make at least two big cosplay’s a year, and go to conventions, but I can’t do that because, OH NO, I don’t have enough money, and I can’t get a job. I cry all the time because I am so bored. I go out of the house only to volunteer once a week because gas money is tight, and to take my mom on errands. I dream constantly of going on trips. I feel trapped in this house I might as well be a ghost. I stare at my phone all day in hopes of either getting a response from an employer or validation from my social media, it’s pathetic. Imagine being so bored and trapped in your house AND being ADD. It’s like my mind is constantly going places and running around, and I just get emotionally exhausted because I have to tell myself, “no, I can’t afford to go eat at that place, I can’t afford to go on a roadtrip, I can’t buy the material to do my hobby”.

Here is what I learned from all this, which I’m sure a lot of you have already learned, or will learn. Getting a degree doesn’t do you shit. The world hates you and doesn’t care about you, yet values you only on how productive you are and how much money you can make. I see my friends trapped in this mindset right now, but what am I supposed to do? Tell them to give up on their dreams? My cousin is going to grad school for her SECOND Master’s because her other one isn’t getting her good jobs. She even has a full time job on top of it, but her car broke down, and with a full-time paying job she CAN’T AFFORD TO FIX IT. My friend is going to college to get a degree in computer engineering of the sorts, but she’s already 40,000+ dollars in loans. Tbh I’m so glad my brother dropped college. He was trying to complete a degree he didn’t even like, loathed as a matter of fact to the point of attempting suicide. My dad always told him trade school was bullshit, which is A LIE, so I’m sure he felt like he didn’t have any other options when he started. The trades are an awesome career path, and I have a deep respect for anyone who can become a welder, plumber, or whatever. Whatever he ends up doing I’ll be proud of him regardless. I’ve learned that there are other ways to make something for yourself. The traditional route of college doesn’t bring the American Dream, only our persistence and spirit does.

If you’ve gotten this far reading this, this is NOT to say drop out of school. But plan ahead. Don’t jump into college right after HS just because it’s expected of you. Don’t do a degree that you think is good just because it will make you money. One thing college did for me was teach me about myself. I have a massive learning disability, and I graduated. I worked hard for YEARS, thinking I’d never graduate because I had such a hard time keeping my grades up, managing my health, and all the sorts. But I did it! I graduated. The world has told me that doesn’t matter. The world is going to tell YOU that nothing you do matters or is of worth. But it is. You matter. You are NOT a burden.

I will say that all that has happened to me makes me a fierce advocate for those with disabilities and mental illness. My last job working at an ABA clinic showed me that babies (yes, literally BABIES) that don’t act neurotypical will be punished for it. I’ve seen in the work world that if you don’t act neurotypical, you are punished for it. Where I currently volunteer now there is a huge respect for disabled individuals. I see a lot of kids with cerebral palsy, autism, ADHD/ADD, and even physical disabilities. This one boy with CP couldn’t even walk before, let alone stand up, and now thanks to Equine Assisted Therapy, he can sit up and walk with assistance. He did that! That was his accomplishment and I am so proud of him. And yet a lot of people in the world will look at him with just another kid with disabilities that will probably not amount to much. See where I’m getting at? I’m so protective of these people because I am like them. One way or another, we have to stand up for eachother. My story with ADD may not be the same as a particular person with autism, CP, or mental illnesses, but we have to look out for each other. Going through all this has made me a stronger person and I will defend us with everything I’ve got.

FYI if any of you reading this wants to donate to a good organization this year for the holiday’s I’d HIGHLY recommend SIRE Therapeutic Horsemanship in TX. Great wonderful group of people and animals.

Yes, I’m in a horrible place right now. But I’ve learned. I sincerely hope things will change for me soon so I can better take care of myself and my mom, but of course I’m human and I’m going to suffer anyway in the moment. I hope 2020 is going to be better for me because this year was terrible. I crave financial independence, the ability to travel and see and experience new things, and be in a better spot professionally, and personally to do the things I want to do. Graduate school isn’t even an option right now because I can’t afford it, and as of now, I don’t care to go to graduate school. Maybe someday, years from now, but at this rate I’m so sick and tired of expectations from society I just say fuck it. I’ll get there at my own pace. And I’ll be successful without the worlds opinion on what makes me successful.

#kailey speaks #rant

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kylorenpunk · 5 years

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Well I challenged @masonjar828 to do this ask meme like 200 years ago and he challenged me back but I’ve been busy so here we are.

200: My crush’s name is: don’t have one. men suck. 199: I was born in: Mickey Mouse’s lair aka Orlando 198: I am really: trying not to make a self deprecating joke rn 197: My cellphone company is: Not being disclosed bc I don’t need stalkers 196: My eye color is: brown 195: My shoe size is: 8. I’m pretty sure I’m supposed to be taller than I am bc of that shoe size 194: My ring size is: Uh no idea. Maybe 9? 193: My height is: Five foot three inches 192: I am allergic to: A couple of antibiotics but that’s it 191: My 1st car was: 1995 Honda Accord. RIP Goldeen. 190: My 1st job was: Technically I was an assistant for an occupational therapy clinic that paid me under the table. My first paid job was a pool attendant for a hotel. 189: Last book you read: My professor’s shitty textbook. 188: My bed is: currently unmade. 187: My pet: doesn’t exist. Bro is allergic to the entire animal kingdom 186: My best friend: I have multiple and love them all very much 185: My favorite shampoo is: Just recently bought a new shampoo from OGX (coconut curls I think?) 184: Xbox or ps3: xbox 183: Piggy banks are: Not a bad concept. I have upgraded to using mason jars to save money 182: In my pockets: Not wearing pockets atm. Usually I only carry my phone tho 181: On my calendar: Is a bunch of doctor’s appointments 180: Marriage is: Fantastic with the right person 179: Spongebob can: ??? do whatever he wants? idk what op was thinking 178: My mom: is great and shouldn’t have to deal with my shit 177: The last three songs I bought were? I haven’t bought music in over two years. Spotify is my life. 176: Last YouTube video watched: I watch so many a day that I forgot what I last watched. 175: How many cousins do you have? 5 on paternal side. 3 on maternal. But I’m hispanic so it’s def more than immediate family 174: Do you have any siblings? 1 and he’s a pain but I love him 173: Are your parents divorced? nope. fun fact. I used to think divorce was normal as a child and wondered when I would get a second set of parents. 172: Are you taller than your mom? No I’m like 4 inches shorter 171: Do you play an instrument? is mayonnaise an instrument 170: What did you do yesterday? future job training and watched my brother [ I Believe In ] 169: Love at first sight: Lust at first sight 168: Luck: kinda 167: Fate: sure 166: Yourself: a lot more than I used to 165: Aliens: why not 164: Heaven: in a way 163: Hell: sure 162: God: the catholic in me says yes 161: Horoscopes: yes and no 160: Soul mates: tough question. 21 year old me would have said yes. 23 me is on the fence. Maybe for other people but I don’t really believe it for myself. 159: Ghosts: I love ghost walks so I hope they’re real 158: Gay Marriage: Of fucking course 157: War: No 156: Orbs: Isn’t this the same as ghosts? 155: Magic: No [ This or That ] 154: Hugs or Kisses: Either one has it’s benefits 153: Drunk or High: Never been high so I guess drunk 152: Phone or Online: they mean the same thing now 151: Red heads or Black haired: dark hair 150: Blondes or Brunettes: brunettes 149: Hot or cold: hot 148: Summer or winter: summer 147: Autumn or Spring: spring 146: Chocolate or vanilla: depends. rn I want vanilla 145: Night or Day: day 144: Oranges or Apples: oranges 143: Curly or Straight hair: doesn’t matter. I feel more myself with straight hair tho 142: McDonalds or Burger King: mcdonald’s 141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: milk 140: Mac or PC: pc. Apple is a peice of shit. 139: Flip flops or high heals: heals 138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor: this is a weird question 137: Coke or Pepsi: depends on whether it’s a can, glass or on ice 136: Hillary or Obama: lol was this made in 2008 135: Burried or cremated: not sure. i wanna say burried tho 134: Singing or Dancing: I’m bad at both 133: Coach or Chanel: neither 132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks: who 131: Small town or Big city: small town 130: Wal-Mart or Target: target 129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: ben stiller 128: Manicure or Pedicure: pedicure. my hands never last 127: East Coast or West Coast: east 126: Your Birthday or Christmas: christmas bc I can see my family 125: Chocolate or Flowers: flowers 124: Disney or Six Flags: six flags despite the fact that i’ve never been 123: Yankees or Red Sox: I don’t give a shit about sports [ Here’s What I Think About ] 122: War: dumb 121: George Bush: dumb 120: Gay Marriage: I’m hoping for a day where the LGBTQ+ community is no longer discrimated against 119: The presidential election: dumb 118: Abortion: No woman should be denied a right to abortion 117: MySpace: yeah this was made in 2008 116: Reality TV: dumb 115: Parents: great wonderful 114: Back stabbers: dumb 113: Ebay: useful 112: Facebook: kinda useful 111: Work: a necessity 110: My Neighbors: I don’t talk to them 109: Gas Prices: could be lower 108: Designer Clothes: I don’t care 107: College: a scam but education is worth it 106: Sports: depends on the sport 105: My family: great wonderful 104: The future: idk [ Last time I ] 103: Hugged someone: yesterday 102: Last time you ate: when I started this thing 101: Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile: last month 100: Cried in front of someone: Two weeks ago 99: Went to a movie theater: going tonight 98: Took a vacation: three years ago. going soon tho 97: Swam in a pool: I don’t even remember. 96: Changed a diaper: never 95: Got my nails done: a year and a half ago 94: Went to a wedding: a year and a half ago 93: Broke a bone: never 92: Got a peircing: three years ago 91: Broke the law: probs when I was underage drinking 90: Texted: yesterday [ MISC ] 89: Who makes you laugh the most: all of my friends 88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: free food and family 87: The last movie I saw: toy story 4 86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most: starting my career job 85: The thing im not looking forward to: taxes being taken out of my paycheck 84: People call me: Karina, Kari or Rina 83: The most difficult thing to do is: let go of someone in your life 82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: nope 81: My zodiac sign is: cancer 80: The first person i talked to today was: no one. Update my boss just called lol 79: First time you had a crush: 1st grade lmao 78: The one person who i can’t hide things from: myself 77: Last time someone said something you were thinking: uh recently I think 76: Right now I am talking to: Romantic? no one Normally? No one lmao 75: What are you going to do when you grow up: I’m grown but I’m not disclosing my job on here 74: I have/will get a job: already have one 73: Tomorrow: I’m working 72: Today: I’m cleaning 71: Next Summer: No idea 70: Next Weekend: no idea 69: I have these pets: no I don’t 68: The worst sound in the world: styrofoam 67: The person that makes me cry the most is: my mother 66: People that make you happy: family and friends 65: Last time I cried: Thursday 64: My friends are: cool great wonderful 63: My computer is: working 62: My School: I’m graduated 61: My Car: I need to wash today 60: I lose all respect for people who: have no respect 59: The movie I cried at was: toy story 4 58: Your hair color is: brown 57: TV shows you watch: Sabrina, jane the virgin 56: Favorite web site: twitter 55: Your dream vacation: new york 54: The worst pain I was ever in was: wisdom teeth 53: How do you like your steak cooked: medium rare 52: My room is: a mess 51: My favorite celebrity is: chris evans 50: Where would you like to be: on vacation 49: Do you want children: yes 48: Ever been in love: three times. Ironically only one was with someone I actually dated 47: Who’s your best friend: I have multiple 46: More guy friends or girl friends: good mixture of both 45: One thing that makes you feel great is: makeup 44: One person that you wish you could see right now: a few 43: Do you have a 5 year plan: hell no 42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: not a physical list 41: Have you pre-named your children: kinda 40: Last person I got mad at: no disclosing 39: I would like to move to: the smokey mountains 38: I wish I was a professional: MUA [ My Favorites ] 37: Candy: lifesaver gummies 36: Vehicle: hondas 35: President: obama 34: State visited: TN 33: Cellphone provider: ATT 32: Athlete: n/a 31: Actor: i can’t choose 30: Actress: cant choose 29: Singer: can’t choose 28: Band: currently little mix 27: Clothing store: rip charolette russe 26: Grocery store: publix is the only acceptable floridian answer 25: TV show: jane the virgin 24: Movie: high school musical 23: Website: twitter 22: Animal: meerkat 21: Theme park: busch gardens 20: Holiday: halloween 19: Sport to watch: soccer 18: Sport to play: none 17: Magazine: n/a 16: Book: eragon 15: Day of the week: friday 14: Beach: n/a 13: Concert attended: hannah montana? 12: Thing to cook: beans 11: Food: rice 10: Restaurant: taco bell 9: Radio station: n/a 8: Yankee candle scent: n/a 7: Perfume: anything fruity 6: Flower: rose? 5: Color: pink or blue 4: Talk show host: ellen 3: Comedian: n/a 2: Dog breed: black lab 1: Did you answer all these truthfully? wouldn’t you like to know

#ask meme #personal shit #why do i curse myself with these #sorry mason

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forever-forgotten-angel · 6 years

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To Be Named Soon Strip Club Fic (Prologue)

Prologue / Chapter 1 / Chapter 2

Warning: I am currently planning this to have some Thomas/Virgil romantic elements, if that’s not your thing please move on and have a wonderful day! In addition, this story involves strippers and will likely have some explicit content at some point, so if that isn’t you thing, also please move on and have a wonderful day! Summary: Sanders Sides Strip Club AU, with a newbie Virgil who still isn’t sure about performing in front of actual people and protective club owner Thomas who just wants his employees to be happy and reach their full potential.

Pairings: Patton/Emile, Logan/Roman, Thomas/Virgil, Virgil/Remy, possibly Thomas/Virgil/Remy depending on how things go. More couples may be added.

Hello! So if you follow myself or @organizeddiscord (which you totally should because she’s awesome, but that’s just my opinion) you’ll probably have already seen the conversation about a Stripper AU for the sides. This is what I have come up with. Hope you enjoy! PS: If anyone has a good suggestion for a name for this fic please tell me, I couldn’t think of one I liked.

Virgil was an utter mess at fifteen.

Granted he doesn’t think he’s that much better at present, but he thinks (or at least hopes) he’s got it a little more together.

He’d always felt off, different. Just saying hi to people, or asking a teacher he’d had for months for a bathroom pass was hard for him. He tried so hard not to care. But he was constantly plagued with thoughts of what everyone was thinking, and saying. Still, he put on the mask of the uncaring person he wished he could be.

He was a loner. He had very few friends, and the ones he did have were more acquaintances than anything. People he didn’t think would kick him away if he sat at their lunch table, but no one he really talked to or hung out with outside of school.

The person he talked to the most was probably Mr. Greene, the school counselor. He was a quiet but kind man who never complained when Virgil dumped all of his problems on him. Mr. Greene had urged Virgil to get a true therapist, one who could properly diagnose his anxiety and maybe prescribe him something to help. The sweet counselor had even talked to his parents about it.

His parents didn’t believe in therapy. They didn’t think there was anything wrong with him. He just wasn’t trying hard enough. He was too lazy. Too scared. Too weak. “Just stop being so damn shy and talk to some people like a normal human being. We don’t need to pay good money for you to talk to some old hack who’s going to put you on pills that you don’t need and will only cost us more.” His parents had tried to ban him from talking to Mr. Greene as well but they couldn’t really do that. After all, the school counselor was there for all the students

It pissed Virgil off more than anything, because deep down he truly thought some professional help could really help him. Yet, his parents’ words wormed their way into his mind. Was there really nothing wrong with him besides being too much of a scaredy-cat to actually approach anyone?” No, that wasn’t all there was to it. He knew it wasn’t. Didn’t he?

It was hard to remember with it constantly being shoved down his throat. “You’re just not trying hard enough.” “Stop being so anti-social.” “Join a club.” “Make some friends.” “Get involved with a physical activity.”

That was another thing. His parents kept pushing for him to get into a sport of some kind. They’d even signed him up for a few sports at the community center they were members of. No offense to the sports themselves or those who enjoyed them, but it was just too much for Virgil. Close aggressive contact and shouting everywhere. He’d quit as soon as he could much to his parents dismay.

It was at the community center, after a swim in the pool (one of the few activities he liked, though he enjoyed the leisure of swimming and didn’t think he’d enjoy the pressure of a competition), that he saw the flyer. Pole dancing classes free at the community center. Must be sixteen or older to apply without parental permission.

Virgil remembered his father and mother talking about strippers once. The utter condemnation and disgust in their tone. But hey, they were the ones who wanted him to get involved in a ‘physical activity’, right?

Virgil waited quietly until sixteenth birthday, and celebrated by signing up.

His parents had been livid, but there was nothing they could do. Virgil was signed up, and of age to do so himself. They couldn’t cancel his membership until the end of the year. They couldn’t stop him from going, as Virgil had found ways to sneak out years ago (thank you family parties that he’d felt the need to escape from, the only thing those parties had been good for). They just had to deal.

Virgil was relieved when he showed up for the class and only a couple others were there. The class apparently wasn’t too popular. This didn’t seem to bother the teacher, a woman that looked to be in her late twenties or early thirties, and was quite beautiful. Certainly someone Virgil would be attracted to, if he had any interest in women that is.

The teacher’s name was Alina and she was quite laid back. She was fun and personable with the students, staring them off with some basic moves. Virgil picked up on it fairly easily, and enjoyed it far more than he would have thought he would.

The class became his escape. Away from his peers, his parents, his worries He didn’t have to think of what everyone else is doing or if they’re going to affect him at all. He just had to be aware of his own body, his own movement, and his own limits. It was just him and the pole, a steady, unchanging, predictable partner.

He starts showing up for the class early, eager to warm up so he can get right to dancing. It’s on one of these days that he sees Alina dancing her best for the fist time. She is up on the pole, flipping, and spinning, and swinging upside down. It’s entrancing.

He begged the teacher to teach him how to do that. She regretfully informed him that it takes quite a bit of training to have the strength to dance like that. Luckily, Virgil used be in an advanced gymnastics class (until his parents had decided that wasn’t an ‘appropriate’ sport for him) and, while he was a bit rusty, he had kept up his body strength fairly well. Alina offered to let him give it a try.

It was difficult at first. He gained even more respect for the people who dance like this for a living. The strength and flexibility and precision that it took was far beyond what he would have guessed. But he kept at it, coming to class early and staying late to work with Alina. And he got good. Really good. And he loved it. Being up at the top of the pole, close enough to the world to still experience it but up just high enough to be feel above his worries.

He worked as hard as he could, building his arm strength, and his core strength, and his leg strength, until he could flip, and spin, and twirl as good as his wonderful mentor.

His parents had been right when they said a physical activity really could help him, just not for the reasons they thought. He wasn’t cured by any means, but he felt better. And it showed in his attitude, his grades, and just his mindset in general. He had something he felt he was good at could be proud of and provided him an outlet that he desperately needed.

He cried for a week when the end of the year comes and his parents announce that they are cancelling his membership to the center. He went to thank Alina, bringing her some lovely flowers to show his gratitude for all the extra work she put in with him, and regretfully informs her he has to quit coming to class. The surprised teacher immediately wheedles the story out of him. To his absolute shock, after hearing about his parents, she offered to continue teaching him at the club she works at, assuring him no one would be there during the day and she could clear it with her boss no problem.

He insisted she’d be wasting her valuable time as, while he loved dancing, he knows he could never perform for a crowd. She insisted right back at him that as long as it’s making him happy and helping him then it is far from a waste of her time. She wrapped him in a hug as a few tears welled up in his eyes. He doesn’t like to admit just how tightly he hugged her back.

And so that’s what they did. Virgil trained whenever he could with Alina, and eventually of couple of the other club dancers as well, and he kept getting better. And better. And better. The manager of the club even offered him a job a few times once he turned eighteen, somewhat joking (but not really), but Virgil remained steady in the fact that he just can’t perform in front of people.

It was a sad day when he had to go off to college in a city that’s quite a ways away from the club. But he’d gotten a partial scholarship from the school that had really helped, as his relationship with his parents had only degraded as time went on and they hadn’t given him much and what he’d saved wasn’t enough.

He knew almost everyone who worked at the club at that point, and they’d thrown him a going away party. There had been drinks, cake, and he’d been given a new bag for college filled with the dancers’ tips from a couple nights. He’d tried to refuse the money but they’d insisted.

He said his goodbyes to everyone, saving Alina for last. He hugged her tightly as she assured him he’d do great in college and if not, he’d always have his dancing to fall back on, any club would hire him in a heartbeat. He laughed and once again repeated how he could never dance in front of people. She shrugged and gave him a coy look. “You never know.”

But Virgil did know.

Or at least he’d thought he knew.

I know @organizeddiscord wanted to be tagged in this and I think @nightmarejasmine wanted to be tagged as well, actually I think they asked to be tagged twice so @nightmarejasmine lol :P. If anyone else wants to be tagged let me know.

#sanders sides #Thomas Sanders #Strip Club Fic

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yoonia · 5 years

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DIA! Writing anon again. I just wanted to say i am soso grateful you took the time to answer in details and share your experience, thoughts and advice!! I just woke up to it and it made me so happy! I'm gonna try out your method on outlining, and see where all that brainstorming and structure leads me! I also loved what you said about including members in dialogues or cameo. I always love that in fics, bc it's somewhat unexpected? And it's a nice surprise. Thanks for reminding me of that! (1/3)

(2/3) Sorry this is turning into a multi part ask again lol. Don't feel pressured to answer it right away(/at all, of course!). Everything you said was clear, but I do have another question, if that's ok? Do you ever use your own life/trauma/personality as a base or back(/)story for your characters? I saw a lot of people criticising this, like "you shouldn't use your writing as therapy." For some reason a lot of my ideas come from a personal place, but i'm getting self conscious about it. Wdyt?

(3/3) As long as it's honest, not a "this character has no flaw bc i have no flaw!" kind of thing, what's so bad about giving your characters some of your own insecurities/experiences? Doesn't it make it somewhat more "real"? Anyway, about that writing journal... It sounds amazing I would totally read that!! I'm sure a lot of ppl would be interested in it too! But of course, no pressure. Only do it if you have the time and energy! Take care love!! Ty for this conversation, have a nice day!! Xx

DIA! Istg I'm gonna leave u alone at some point. I just thought about something. Character development. How do u go abt it? Do u list all ur characters, write their backstories, qualities, flaws, personalities, fam/relationships, little trivia? Do you just go with the flow and not really bother? My lead's been too "perfect" (he's a "safe place"/support system), I guess I should backtrack. I need to fuck him up a bit, otherwise it's unrealistic, right? This is hard. Thoughts? Thank u love!! (4)

Thanks for coming back to me. It is always a pleasure to help whenever I can so never feel sorry about it. I’m the one who should probably apologise for taking so goddamn long to answer each one T^T I’ve been busy with work, nursing my foster kittens and preparing for...something, in my personal life, so I haven’t been around much.

First of, I would have to disagree when somebody says something like not using writing as a form of therapy. I really have to debunk that because writing can be a form of therapy. Hell, even I have been using writing as my own personal therapy.

Here’s the thing, though. Using your own personal life experience and putting them into the story you are writing can be good and bad at the same time. The positive factor of it would be that (1) you will be adding something that is “real” into the plot and create “real” characters and, (2) by understanding the context of the real-life experience you are bringing into the story, you will have the ability to create a solid backstory. The negative side is that if you are not careful or if that past experience involves a personal trauma, it might be triggering to some readers. I’ve seen this happening in the past, when writers put past traumas (for example, physical abuse) into the story without proper warning or too many graphic descriptions and it triggered a lot of their audience which resulted in strong reactions through negative comments, public complaints, etc.

Just remember to put certain boundaries when you are trying to bring out these life experiences and plan it properly and with proper research when needed. And remember that when writing fanfiction, even though most readers and writers have the ability to separate the characters in the story with the real living persons whose names and characters traits you are placing in the story, there are still many that could not do just the same.

Giving flaws and insecurities into the characters is always a good idea. Let readers see the characters’ weaknesses, fears, pain, and let them feel what the characters feel so they can get themselves more engrossed into the story better. Characters who are too perfect might seem great at the beginning, but sometimes it can make the story appear a bit “bland”. Not to mention, these “flaws” will allow any character development to transpire.

Now, this may be able to answer your last question, because yes, I am a total sucker to any character development happening in a story. Just as I mentioned previously, witnessing your characters grow in the story you are writing will pull your audience deeper into your story and have them more engrossed into it. There is a certain thrill and pride whenever it happens. I have to be honest, there have been times when I give up on a certain story (whether writing it or reading it somewhere) only because I’m not seeing any development in the characters. Because not seeing your character grow can make it feel like you are stuck in one point no matter how much the story grows (idk if I explained it well but you probably get the gist of it).

Another answer to your last question, I have different techniques in building a story and my characters. Sometimes I will take my sweet time building up their backstory, flaws, personalities to have a character come into “life”, but other times, I just let the character grows on their own according to the plot. It depends more on which I am putting my full attention on with a story. For example, in Carousel, I just let the characters grow along with how the plot develops, that is why I can sometimes delete a scene or two that I have planned for months when it doesn’t necessarily work best with how the plot flows or if it no longer fits with the character’s growth. Meanwhile, About Time and Blood Moon Rising have their own proper planning with intricate listings of each character’s backstory, purposes, and even their own timelines before I started plotting the scenes.

Now, if we’re talking about the character that you mentioned as “too perfect”, you don’t need to go so far as backtracking if you already have the story progressing. You can always fuck a character up by making a twist on the plot ahead. Every aspect in real life always has their own twists anyway, like a very perfect household may encounter a storm in it, or a student with perfect grades can get stuck on a one wild night of partying thanks to a dorm mate, or something similar to those, so you can bring it into your story to finally show a flaw in your character even if it’s just a tiny bit of it.

Speaking of writing diaries, I might as well make one within this week. Although it might not be as specific as the ones I put out during my NaNo projects. So far, I have only been keeping track of how much I have written within a week and how far I have gotten by listing my word count into my monthly activity calendar, like this:

As you can see, I haven’t been writing as much as I want to lol so the diary will only show the days when I do write instead of showing a day to day progress.

Anyway, good luck with your writing! Let me know if I can still be of any help or if you have managed to pull through with it :)

#writing anon #on writing #misc: tips and tricks #pretty anonie #answered

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