#I really enjoyed messing around with different body types and how different periods of structured undergarments and clothing affected

[gailhai1storm]

[sugar-petals]

SuperM as Subs

↪ A/N. UGH these guys have me fucking spiraling. very excited to bring you this, please indulge 👀

○ warnings ⚠️ 18+, dom/sub, kinks galore, gender-neutral dom!reader

3.5k words | bullet points | this is all over the place there is so much to say i—

⌈ ten

— motto: kitten has ‘ten’ in it, but so does intense.

wowza honey

best choke out you’ll find

the stamina, too, oh lord. ten can handle a lightning fast riding without blowing up in two minutes

all while you choke him

with a waist harness on and ankles bound

bondage looks so good on him; he’s flexible and enduring. imagine a hogtie... art. 

such a beautiful man.

literally, rope marks, imagine that

we need to talk about his pain threshold as well there

things that have other guys screaming are a mere tickle to him

i can’t emphasize enough how lucky you’ll be. this fella does not have to be trained much. experience? abundant. talent? more than vast. he knows precisely how far he can go with what kind of kink. that is invaluable.

and now, the most mind-blowing part. stress: he encourages you to take it all out on him. in his mind, that’s an extra treat and a promise he gets it raw how he loves it. 

your satisfaction is his fuel, as is seeing you unwind. 

the whole progression from heavy beginnings to breathless ends

the boy needs you to go, for the lack of a better word, buck-wild

so yes, ten is your number one (pun intended) address for all things messy. he asks you to hatefuck him, you spoil him with it.

the sheer masochism of him

are you kidding me

listen i’m not a fan of the sin concept but in this case... you can sin all you want with him

tl;dr: angry sex is his thing. strong emotions. guts will be rearranged.

about the elephant in the room: yeah, this guy can bust some extraterrestrial, dazzling, sexy as hell moves

that means one thing. contortionism. you can bend him into every position you desire and fuck him like that. he’s petite but don’t worry. your babe’s strong

in fact, you can sit on his face and get one ferocious rimming daily

things will get wet wetter wettest

surprise surprise vice versa he likes his own ass filled with plugs and vibrators

the type that buzzes him into a delirium while you slap him. with his neck turning red and those pretty almond eyes going wide. 

they do hold the universe. he’s just so enthralling.

btw. talking about toys. having a fleshlight ready to make him moan and ruin his orgasm is a veeery good idea.

chances are you will draw cute english or thai interjections from him

in return, you can call him your prince and kiss him all over for aftercare. he’s no different, thinking of you as someone figuratively and literally noble to him. he’s thankful you fulfill his greatest sexual dreams. it’s true, you’ll really worship each other.

he’ll do his little mona lisa smile and doze off in your lap...

sub!ten is just priceless okay

10/10

i need a moment

⌈ kai

— motto: local strip club found bankrupt.

oh mY GOD nini

he knows how it’s done

did he go to sub school or something

you’ll find him at the stove around 6:30 AM in his apron

making you breakfast pretty much butt naked otherwise

flustered and sexy butler kim right at your service

looking very sculpted

dancing a little, as usual, he’s getting into it

in other words, you’re sure to get those eggs fried well

now, besides his skimpy clothing and waiter allure

kai as a submissive is almost definite to be an epitome of organization. he’s just good at it. period. lube and protection are always in the house.

you do your part doing maintenance for toys and cracking the occasional whip but really i mean... as the great oh sehun once said... never don’t mind about a thing when jongin gets the chance to put something in order

so lean back — kai is a service sub. he’s the type who wants to break a sweat for you

and have that very visible because he doesn’t own clothes anyway. well, well.

something more about organization

fucking according to a schedule sounds about right

you have it all planned out with a special calendar book just for that purpose

but don’t believe he’ll be boring and hyper-structured beyond that

kai is the precise opposite of dull as a lover but that’s a huge duh

he has both the acute sense of bashful romance and strong erotic feelings that come with a regular eyebrow wiggle

he likes to provoke the wild animal in his partner

reckless abandon

kai is 100% guaranteed to make you let out the beast. he enjoys feeling you go all out and grip him, pin him. everything hands-on is good.

grinding and gyrating is always part of sex. hell, even floating and flying. fuck gravity.

you need a certain level of dexterity. and hey if you don’t, you will pick it up from him in a solid minute

what i’m trying to say is that it won’t happen that the two of you rub against each other in the sheets like two blocks of wood (even when going into aftercare!). it will be fluid, ever-moving, energetic right and left with the mattress creaking all over the damn place

sex with jongin is one thing for sure: fucking fast. he won’t mess up his tempo if you know what i mean. the two of you will be thrusting and moaning until complete fatigue sets in

he whines a lot i’m telling you

it’s the surefire way to know kai is into it, being genuinely vocal is one of his best qualities as a sub

besides handling any rough pace 

this guy will have you sneaking into his gym room and have a quickie on the next best workout bench

and lord knows what else. 

the bathroom is another destination. wet!kai, the yearning romeo, is an image you won’t forget

prepare to get your hands on all of that

he’s gonna melt right into ya

and that is sub!kai for you

⌈ taeyong

— motto: vanilla? hardly heard of her.

to use an nct pun: the options are— limitless.

and another: you’re signed up for a... long flight.

and you’re gonna be the: boss

who gives it to him

and i’m warning you

he’s shy about it but

taeyong is simply insatiable. take his kinky reputation at face value.

what doesn’t he do

the softest softcore (feathers to tease him) to the hardest hardcore (edge play, hallelujah), the whole spectrum without any efforts for transitions

so you guessed it, a normal bedroom really won’t do.

neither does a standard dom

but since you’re knee deep into taeyong — go figure, you’re reading this — news flash you likely aren’t one

plug in all of your toys and cameras for date night. he needs his good dose of lube-dripping fantasy, homemade with a bunch of latex thrown into the mix

yeah i know that will escalate quickly

he wears it well i’m telling you

and also greatly enjoys you donning it for friday evening

it will frustrate him to the max which is a sight to see indeed

no other sub in super m gets harder boners over latex. that’s how it is. he’s just so drawn to the material and how much authority it gives you in particular

noona/oppa kink incarnate

hell, even daddy/mommy

he calls you that when you are forehead to forehead and catching your breath

because man these orgasms are going to get you so high, bodies gently intertwined

and very, very drenched

not just skin-wise

so let me underline this

your dear taeyong, no matter how innocently he can blink at you, gets his daily nutrient intake from cum. 

what fancy-schmancy protein shake is he interested in other than yours like literally none

put him on a leash together with baekhyun and you have two salivating, ultra dirty boys

so ready to please and swallow everything up

taeyong is a handsome handful

you’ll be horny 24/7

or 23/7 maybe because aftercare

where we revert back to adorable yong. he clings to you a lot, you nuzzle him all the time, the affection is off the charts

he’s pouty and sweet, smiling to himself

holding him tight gives him a big sense of security. 

safe to say he wants everybody to know he belongs to you in terms of PDA, too

it’s not restricted to domestic intimacy and sexual aftermath

taeyong truly has the perfect ratio of freaky and soft

god worked hard on him

⌈ lucas

— motto: when bigger is better, things get wetter...

ready for take off are we 

yukhei is one flirty crackhead you’ll love it

teasing will go back and forth

there might even be play fights and wrestling involved. messing around on sofas and carpets, you know the deal. things won’t get too rowdy, he’s being his 6′ baby self and you don’t want to use your whole bag of tricks yet vice versa

lucas eventually lets you win anyways

and acts like he’s lethally injured ffs

he’s an aquarius don’t come for him they roll that way

in comes the patient-doctor roleplay. yep that’s how the story goes

and you sure as hell get to take care of um

luke’s big lightsaber

alright

it’s throbbing a bit too much and needs medicine

so think of yourself as a jedi master training your disciple.

read: edging the living soul out of him. 

rough handjobs are just perfect

as is going on a rodeo trip getting the guy to tame those bucking hips with a lil punishment here and there. and with punishment i mean tickling even when he is close to orgasm

uh-oh

wong yukhei is a cutie pie but he has just about a bucket of cum for you spilling all over the place

he might get a lil embarrassed about it, that’s the sweetest thing

cleaning it up will be his greatest pleasure

so

ready for subby lucas yet?

he’s juicy

so what else do we have... 

(besides that he sounds like harry styles is dubbing him and that voice is going to turn you on so hard)

if his dominant doesn’t have an ounce of a muscle and biting kink that’s, how to put it, a missed opportunity

just licking him and leaving marks everywhere just has to be the biggest feast in history. you have him parade around sleeveless just to see the hickeys on his arms. 

and you don’t have to be frugal. it has to scream mine mine mine. yes, xuxi has some arm sensitivity going on. he needs your mouth on him doing chaotic stuff that leaves his jaw hanging open. to the point of you eating your brunch off his chest and shoulders.

there i said it 

breakfast with yukhei is cancelled. it’s breakfast on yukhei

as for positions: things are usually more chill and standard. just how much missionary will there be, you’ll lose count. he’s good at it. lucas has the condensed passion of ten people, it will be more arousing than you’d think. it’s also a good pause to your usual activities, you both get a chance to um take a breath

if he feels cocky, wong brathei likes to lift you up during sex and here we go again with a staring contest... which ends with a bright smile and kissing 

what did you expect

always remember this one thing. in his big himbo brain only one thought floats around and that. is. his. love. for. you.

a whipped boy

he’s irreplaceable.

patient xuxi reports speedy recovery

⌈ mark

— motto: good boys go to heaven after debuting a couple times more

sirs and sirettes, mark lee.

what did you think the “m” in super m stands for? mario, man, massive, market, model?

nope

SuperMark is what keeps the planet spinning

now here it goes

let’s get one assumption out of the way first

you’d think he fucks how he talks but you’ll be surprised

everything’s slow slow slow

the pace is very casual for someone who raps and thinks that fast

mark is just too friggin’ cute

a blushy cupcake

innocent and always curious what you’re up to

just perfect for all sorts of gentle dominance

you can reassure him when he gets nervous which happens every now and then

and put him into soft sweaters and blankets when he feels cold

maybe even building a pillow fort and just caressing him ad nauseam literally for minutes on end.

tousling his hair would be adorable beyond belief

the same goes for giving him cheesy pet names

or feeding him sweets

you can bet chocolate is his favorite. 

but it’s not just all about pampering him

keen how he is you can expect a lot of gestures of attention from mark, like carefully selected presents and foot massages

there’s a real gentleman at your hands.

a gentlemark

he might have come up with that himself 

you bet there will be lots of humor involved mark just can’t do serious sex

his intellect is yeahhh... superhuman

as much as his heart is squishy for you.

it’s hard out there. this world is tough

but mark is a safe haven to return to and have wholesome hours in bed with

30% sex, 70% aftercare.

you think that’s impossible? look into his puppy eyes and tell me all you’ll do won’t be spooning

it’s an art form and mark is just too inviting not to do a brush stroke on the canvas. 

and after you’re done spooning things are back to more caressing

a smooch left, a smooch right

for the 30% he might need a bit of outside support because his inner perfectionist compels him

so he’ll text johnny at 4:30 in the morning with urgent questions

because his mind is racing and he promised to wake you up with a set of spicy stuff

sex veteran johnny will calmly explain it to mark but also keep it short and simple

because man how early can someone text you 

and mark appreciates a crisp how-to that he won’t forget

even when you are chest to chest feeling each other’s breath and his brain almost shuts down

at the end of the day...

you say hey canada lemme get my hands on those big thighs of yours and ding ding his pants are off. he responds so easily to guidance

and his dancing skill always helps to get groovy with you

so

bust down markiana

you’re that bitch and you know it

⌈ baekhyun

— motto: you and me, relax and ch...oking

leader on the streets 

screamer in the sheets

even the most peace-loving, noise-sensitive neighbors are going to dig the things that come out of his mouth as caused by you

just how good are his lungs

imagine him making audios for you. yes, god is real.

you just hit the lotto

the things his mouth can do 

byun baekhyun is a synonym of oral fixation when will merriam webster admit it

if there’s one person in super m who can nail the picture perfect drooling ahegao face without hesitation it’s him

he will pleasure you with his tongue so vigorously

that level of spit blowing will haunt you

and the slurpi—

THE NOISES. we can’t talk about the noises. nope, nope. the noises are not meant to be described to this world. 

you’ll suffer from incurable lust once you picture it

you know what his voice can cause

that would trigger a mass hysteria

anyway. moving on. 

baeks is the type to appreciate a mix of cheek-on-cheek cuddling and getting his brains banged out

you can toss him around, grab him by the hair, fuck him absolutely stupid

while also kissing his forehead and playing with the hair at the nape of his neck. as if he doesn’t want you enough already this will have baekhyun needy for so long

he’s the king of slutty behavior

and making both of you crack up with mid-sex jokes about who knows what, suho’s butt mole or something

he’s just too hilarious. on the other hand he likes being creative and concentrated

in his free time you’ll probably find him reading erotic stories, sketching sexy stuff (i.e., well, you) in a journal, or even a manual to the kamasutra. it gets him all hot and bothered to the point where he can’t stop being chatty about it.

baekhyun’s arousal always first manifests as a wave of words or texts 

your part of the equation is distilling the essence of said texts and getting to work on that perky body of his

and praise him plenty. baekhyun loves a lot of verbal affirmations and you’re glad to shower him with it.

kink-wise: he really has a gazillion ideas to try

costumes, gags, whips, pet play, sounding, collars, semi-clothed sex, cock rings, suspensions, you name it

as the cherry on top, a three- and fourway could be part of your routine for sure. 

that being said he might have a few dicks in him physically or mechanically because geez bacon loves fucking machines and dildos

he is 100% ready to embark on one hell of an anal odyssey

how much he can stretch out you can probably guess. and he’ll make jokes about it either way to turn you on

you’ll be certain to exhaust and stuff your lil’ darling to the brim but i’m telling you what you already know

he’s gonna be the happiest ahegao boy in the world

and throw peace signs when you take pictures of him fucked out

that’s byunbaek for you. one of a kind

a subby gem

⌈ taemin

— motto: 500 points to slytherin! 

this is what you’ve been waiting for i know I KNOW

red carpets out for the sensual sub king and nation’s p.r.e.t.t.y. boy

the international bombshell blonde

a bdsm luminary

DEITY

now, listen. 

some erotic feats are truly hard to execute

but there is always one guy who’s the exception 

and his name is lee taemin

no matter how unrealistic or complex your imagination of sex with him is

with this man, most of it can become real

effortlessly

because he’s a) an open-minded lover b) rich enough to rent ten dungeons — per hour and c) closest to perfection we as a human race have ever come 

taemin is a pro at bringing all kinds of your and his fantasies to life. that’s why it’s important that you sit down to talk about how your intimate encounters could look like every other week

primarily, as far as his taste is concerned

we’ve all heard about his tales of creepypasta romance

literally he’s been an idol for so long and still comes up with new baffling ideal type stories

so according to those

he wants to be run over by you and thinks that’s hot,,, but i say... we stick to flipping him over... like on a bed,,, no car involved

this pal is macabre you have to be an embodiment of the law to rein him in

police roleplay much. arrest this provocateur!

furthermore and on a lighter note

besides being jailed

lo and behold, chained up and decked out in lace, draped on a lip-shaped art sofa is how he feels the most in his element

add a mask and a corset 

just how glamorous is he

this guy has mastered all techniques of drawing you in with the most elaborate seduction. 

tremendous!

including dance: for your eyes only. 

prepare to have your loins set on fire.

because within the 4 walls of your home his every move will be pure danger loaded with sexuality. it would be even more of a public menace than he already is when performed in front of a crowd

keep those handcuffs ready officer

because it is your mission to stop that guy 

the more restraints the better

put five harnesses on him i don’t care as long as it contains him

and once that’s done

taemin likes to be stimulated and teased with you running silk fabric all over his body

he also enjoys you creating artistic pin-up-esque photography of him

with sultry eyes and puckered lips

and no worries. taemin will put his plump lips to good use elsewhere, too. all. over. the. place. servicing his dominant is an honor.

and those moans will be like a melody.

the literal only weak spot he has

is to kiss and tell. taemin gets carried away in conversation and feels pride when the topic switches to you. so... if you lick his earlobe and call him your slave, jongin knows the very next day and finds it very entertaining. 

taemin won’t deliberately spill the beans in a group chat but one-on-one with a close friend? he’s too excited not to talk about your chemistry and lets some juicy details slip if he can’t control himself.

taemin requires a dom/me who’s definitely not insecure and wants others to know who’s boss.

on the flipside, if you enjoy voyeurism? he is your man. it’s a matter of perspective entirely.

so to speak — even his weakness is a strength.

that’s all you need to understand about him

in sum: you got yourself quite an ace 

taem will press your number and you’ll have no sorrow in the world.

we truly are blessed by his existence

peace out

© submissive-bangtan 2017-2019. all rights reserved. do not repost.

[theincompetentgenius]

Chocolate (Hideyoshi x Reader Fic)

 @pusec: Can I get a short scenario of MC accidentally calling Hideyoshi "mom"? (Ikemen sengoku//not sure if this didn't happen In canon already thought)😂

It’s probably happened before. I wouldn’t be surprised at all if she did and we just glazed over it because that’s what we were thinking ourselves. Also, I’m really for the chocolate obsession in this because I’m fasting so I’m REALLY HUNGRY (it makes up almost the entire fic and I realized it was getting out of hand, so I tried to save it at the end. But I doubt that really did anything). Anywho, enjoy this mess and I’m sorry in advance.

Title: Chocolate                                 

Fandom: Ikemen Sengoku

Pairing: Hideyoshi x Reader                   

Word Count: 1857

If there was one thing I could change about the Sengoku Era, it would be the amount of chocolate that I could buy.

I know the history behind the scarcity of chocolate in Japan, but it doesn’t make it any less painful. Whenever my period comes around, I’m craving a good chocolate bar. If it’s more than 50 degrees, my tongue is ready for some creamy chocolate ice cream. My body has been suffering from chocolate withdrawal: my stomach is always growling, my head overrun with fatigue, and my mouth salivating for that sweet, milky taste. I think people have started to notice because Masamune has been making me a lot more sweets while Hideyoshi bought me the finest candies the other day. Nobunaga even offered me his konpeito. The treats were delicious, but I miss my wonderous chocolate. The only chocolate I’ve had was cacao beans shipped from who-knows-where. Those were disgusting.

So you can imagine my excitement when Hideyoshi told us that shipments of chocolate had arrived at the Japanese trading ports. They would be sending the delicacy to different vendors throughout the country in the upcoming weeks. I screamed so loud that Ieyasu’s ears nearly fell off and Masamune rushed to the meeting. Although I got scolded for my excitement, there was nothing that could ruin my joy. I would be reunited with my love and savior: chocolate.

Every week, I would drag a warlord out in the town to search for chocolate. However, most vendors had no idea what I was talking about and didn’t carry anything that looked like chocolate. One vendor sold me a brown, solid bar that looked like the real deal. It was expensive, but I had to get my hands on it. But the moment I bit into the bar, my tongue recoiled from the taste and my lips nearly fell off my mouth. I gagged. The schemer had sold me a bar of tamarind instead.

However, I haven’t given up on my quest to find the chocolate. Although I took a week-long break, I am back and stronger than ever. Nothing can stop m--

“What are you writing?” Hideyoshi points to my notebook.

I quickly shut the pages of my notebook and stuff it in my bag. If he saw my maniacal writing about chocolate, he’d keep me away from it and turn this whole thing into a Nobunaga-konpeito situation. It would ruin all of my plans.

“Just about how I’m excited to have chocolate. I like to write my feelings,” I give him a sheepish grin.

“That’s really cute, but why chocolate?” He laughs.

“What do you mean, ‘why chocolate?’ “ I ramble about my childhood stories and how chocolate has been a vital part of my life. It guided me through my struggles, brighten my dark days, and was present in all my nostalgic memories. Hideyoshi listened quietly, nodding and laughing throughout my stories.

“If it’s such a big part of your life, then why didn’t you tell me about it? I could have requested some from the traders,” He asked.

“I’ve been so caught with this adjusting to the new life that I almost forgot about it.” This was far from the truth, but I didn’t want to come off as a chocolate addict.

As we walk along the street, I notice the different vendors. Each makes profits from vastly different items. Fruits, weapons, rice, ornaments, and other assortments. Each stall is made out of birch wood, but that’s where the similarities end. One has vines coiling around the wooden columns, another one has splotches of dye on the stall, and the most bizarre of them all is the stall in yellow with green stockings hanging from the top. It is the weirdest combination of colors I have ever seen.

Hideyoshi approaches each vendor whether they have the candy or not. I don’t feel comfortable asking them ever since I got scammed with the tamarind bar. It’s probably for the best since they all give him salutes and offer him all their products at discounted prices and I’m sure I wouldn’t be able to haggle for even half those prices.

We come across the odd yellow-and-green stall that I was watching earlier. Hideyoshi asks the vendor the same set of questions and he shakes his head in the same manner as the ones before him. It’s become a routine. Instinctively, I turn around and walk towards the nearest stall when I hear Hideyoshi’s voice call out to me.

“Where are you going? They have the chocolate!”

I turn around and zoom to the front of the stall. It is impossible for me to confine my excitement in my head. Forgetting that I’m in the Sengoku Era, I begin to interrogate him about the different types of chocolates in his possession. Every time the vendor tries to speak, I cut him off and provide him with my preferences. If it was dark chocolate, I didn’t want to be anywhere near it. If it was white chocolate, I wanted a 50% discount because that was fake chocolate. The only bar I would be pleased with was the regular milk chocolate.

In the midst of my babbling, Hideyoshi puts his hand on my shoulder. “I understand you’re excited, but let the man show us what he has.”

The man thanks Hideyoshi and shows him the boxes of chocolate. The vendor doesn’t dare to look at me, worried that I’ll explode with my chocolate facts if I make eye contact with him. Jokes on him because I plan to go home and spend most of my time eating this delicacy.

“Wow, there’s a lot of sugar in these. Almost the same amount as konpeito,” Hideyoshi frowned.

My blood froze. Hideyoshi could not separate me from my beloved soulmate. He’s already a burden on the relationship of Nobunaga and his konpeito, I couldn’t let him do the same thing to me and my chocolate. He’d have to pry it from my cold, dead hands.

“Well I need the sugar in my body to keep me energized and functioning,” I snatch the bar from Hideyoshi and give the vendor a thick wad of money. “Take all of it. I want your entire collection of chocolate in return.” 

The man’s eyes gleam as he counts the amount of money that I handed him. He places the box on the ledge of the stall and shoos us away, probably so we don’t change our minds. 

“You know, this is a lot of sugar. If this becomes like Nobunaga and his konpeito, I might have to confiscate it,” Hideyoshi gives a suspicious glance to the box.

Ignoring him, I unwrap the chocolate bar and chomp off the top corner. The hard texture melts against the wet surface of my tongue with the sweet flavor diffusing across my tastebuds, coating the center of my tongue in milky brown. The chocolate piece has dissolved into a milky coating that travels down my throat, quenching me of my thirst for the delicacy. This is an experience I will never forget. I relish the taste of the heavenly delight as I take a second bite of the candy bar.

“Don’t eat too much of this. You could get a stomachache,” Hideyoshi interrupts my fantasy.

I shoot him a dirty look. “Alright, mother.”

I go back to cherishing my second bite, forgetting about anything that I said earlier. As I take my third bite, Hideyoshi steps closer towards me and leans in my face. “What did you just call me?”

“Uh, I don’t remember.”

“You just called me your mother! I am not your mother. Do I look like your mother to you?” He asks.

I manage to stifle my laughter. Hideyoshi is usually friendly and mature, so seeing him freak out over a small thing was hilarious. However, I couldn’t give him an honest answer because I know I’d burst out laughing, spitting my chocolate all over him. I didn’t want to embarrass the both of us, so I just shook my head. But the grin on my face gives away everything.

“Seriously? What makes me seem anything like a mother?” He puts his hands on his hips.

“For starters, that.” I mock him and put my hands on hips and purse my lips. “Secondly, you’re always watching out for us and cleaning up our messes. You scold the other warlords like they’re your children.”

“That’s because they always wreak havoc in the castle! If I don’t step up and ensure everything runs smoothly, then everything will fall apart.”

I take his hand and squeeze it. “And that’s why you’re so important in the structure of the palace. Don’t hate your motherliness, embrace it.”

Hideyoshi gives me a hard look and I felt laughter bubble in my stomach. It was a lot of fun messing with him. I almost feel bad about it, but I take the last bite of the chocolate to erase my guilty thoughts. However, Hideyoshi doesn’t look away. Instead, he squints his eyes and leans closer. I look up from my chocolate bar and nearly pulled back from the closeness between us. If this was his way of getting back at me for the mom jokes, it was totally working.

He brings his thumb to my lip and slides it down to my chin. The heat rushes to my cheeks and I am sure that my face is red. I pray to every deity in the universe that he can’t feel my heat from my chin, but the raised eyebrow on his face suggests otherwise. I could see the flecks of gold in his honey-colored eyes. The thought of my chocolate disappears as my chest grows tight. Why have chocolate when I could have something sweeter?

The warlord leans in closer, his head tilted down. His eyes are on my lips. My lips almost brush against his. His finger pressed against my chin, pulling my head towards him. His mouth parts slightly with a small curve forming. My entire body is screaming right now. Of all the things that could happen, I did not expect this. 

He removes his finger from my chin and makes soft motions with his finger, tracing the skin around my lips. Then, he steps back and examines his fingers. Melted chocolate stained his fingers. Hideyoshi places the finger in his mouth and looks around, tapping his foot on the ground. Meanwhile, I’m trying to collect my thoughts and calm down, placing my hands on my cheeks. 

Hideyoshi removes his finger from his mouth. “This is sweeter than konpeito. The other warlords are going to finish it in a matter of weeks.”

I would say something in defense of my candy,  but my brain has been reduced to mush. That type of behavior was normal from Masamune or Mitsuhide, but not Hideyoshi. He wasn’t that clueless (that title belonged to Mitsunari).

He turns towards me. “You don’t have anything to say?”

“Uh…………”

“Alright, but one last thing,” Hideyoshi hoists the box of chocolates over his shoulder.

“I can be many things, but your mother isn’t one of them.”

[sticks-and-stone]

Hampton Tract

October 10, 2019 - October, 12, 2019

So we did Hampton Tract this time for our second round of monthly camping. Hampton is in the same water management district as Potts, but on the western side of the Hillsborough Nature Preserve. Prepping for this trip was wildly different than prepping for the Potts trip for several reasons. The first being that we had done the camping thing and now knew what we were missing and what we needed to get to prep. We were also given a lot of gear by family and friends. So a lot of our upgrades became major game changers. 

We also planned for two nights instead of just one this time. We figured since we had proven that we wouldn’t die in the woods, it would be safe to try for a second night. A quick overnight is mostly setting up and taking down anyway. Not a whole lot of time to just enjoy the trip. This meant that I also needed to make sure that there was plenty to do so we wouldn’t get bored and just drink too much. So I introduced the concept of a “toy bag” which is basically just a bag of crafts, card games, coloring books, and such. This way, if we got bored or it rained, we would have options. 

In addition to the toy bag, our gear had improved drastically. We got ourselves more organized and more prepared. It didn’t feel like our second trip at all, it felt more like our 9th or 10th. Still not quite perfect, but we felt ready. We organized our gear into categories, researched what other people pack with them for this time of year, and made so many lists. 

We had two main categories for gear this trip. Hardware and software. Hardware included the tent, the chairs, and any other structural pieces for the campsite such as clips, ties, and stakes. The Software bag was for things like flashlights, bug spray, first aid, etc. this separation helped a TON with staying organized on site. 

We added a small amount of gear to this trip. Smaller than I would have expected, but the items we added were complete game changers. This time around we had more coolers. I went to dads and cleaned out his shed in exchange for taking whatever old camping gear I could find. I didn’t take much, but I did take all of his coolers. The first one was a typical, 10 gallon wheeled guy. The second was a five gallon water spigot cooler from our soccer days, and the third was a tiny square spigot guy that might hold a six pack of beer. We used the big wheeled guy for beer and our pre-made coffee supply, the five gallon spigot for our ice water supply (a new thing that made all the difference) and then I continued to use my roommates cooler for our food. Being able to separate the drinks from the food was huge. The first time we went, they were all in the same cooler and the ice we needed for the drinks melted and got water all in our food. So this time, we only used ice packs in the food cooler to protect against moisture and then just loaded up on the ice in our drinks cooler. So our beer was ice cold and our food stayed dry! 

I also got a folding shovel from my dad. This came in very handy with the fire pit which was full of someone else's garbage (including an old diaper) when we arrived. Jenna borrowed fireplace gloves from a friend of hers too. Just those two, easily forgotten items, made a world of difference when it came to fire maintenance. 

As far as other borrowed supplies go, Jenna also borrowed a headlamp from that same friend. I had never thought about using one before, but I will never go camping without one again. We arrived very late at night, so having that made setting up in the dark a breeze. 

My roommate gifted us with a hammock. Again, this was a piece of gear that I had never thought about adding to my pack before, but it was the most relaxing part of the entire weekend. Being able to sway softly and read a book (even one I didn’t enjoy at all) was amazing. 

So here we were, gear-wise, having an epically better camping trip than the last and I haven't even begun to explain the game changers I actually spent money on. During our Potts trip, we realized that we needed more lighting at our campsite. After the sun went down it was very dark and we could see next to nothing. We definitely didn’t want any booming spot lights or anything, but just some soft background lighting to help us out. So I went on Amazon and bought two tiki torches, and a string of battery powered fairy lights. At Hampton, we were able to use the tiki torches not only to illuminate our area and square it off, but also to help repel the bugs which were still kind of bad for October. And the string lights helped us avoid tripping while we found spots in the woods to pee, but also made our entire little set up look very cute. I hope to continue to work on the aesthetic of the site during future trips. 

Beyond the lighting, I also bought an air pump that plugs into the car, so we didn’t have to sleep on the ground! Small, but significant game changer. I bought rope (paracord) but we never used it. I’m keeping it in the gear kit though because every blog I’ve ever read tells me to. I’m sure it will be just a space taker until I actually need it and will be grateful to have it. 

On the way down, we stopped at a dollar general for additional supplies (toys). We bought bubbles and glow sticks to mess around with after dark. We got a TON of extra bug spray and a citronella candle for bugs. 

So gear-wise, we didn’t do much, but the things we did buy were such game changers that it made the Hampton trip so much better than we could have expected. We did things a little bit differently this time as far as execution goes. Two nights is drastically different than one so we had to think in advance, plan for the worst, and just mostly roll with the punches. And there were definitely a few punches. 

We arrived at camp at about 11pm at night on friday. Way too late if you ask me, but we had not thought through it too well, I guess. The first thing we did was unload the car. We were much better this time about making sure that our hardware was easily accessible so that we could set up as fast as possible. We got the tent up first. It took us mere minutes and once it was up, I ran to check out the bathroom facilities. 

The bathroom was a good ole fashion outhouse. A concrete building over a hole in the ground with a bucket and a lid covering the hole. The room was filled with dead and living love bugs and a broom in the corner to (I guess) sweep the massive layer of bug bodies out of your way? The toilet paper was damp (thank god I brought my own) and there was a smell that I swear could make you cry. I figured I would just pee behind the tent in the cover of the trees most of the time and only use this outhouse if I absolutely had to. At least this time I was not on my period. 

Once the tent was up, Jenna went to work on the fire. Since it was so late, we didn’t need to eat, just needed to get the fire up and get settled in for the night. So we spent the evening around the fire, taking shots of gin (why did I have that?) and drinking beer. At some point I think we broke out the guitar and sang probably too loudly for our fast-asleep neighbors. There was a camper just across the field from us who I’m sure hated our guts by morning. Otherwise, we had plenty of space and privacy for this trip. Which I loved a lot. We stayed up far too late and finally passed out around 3am. I woke up before Jenna at about 7am. The air mattress was a game changer so I slept like a rock. It also didn’t get that cold (for October) during the night, so I was very comfortable. 

I couldn’t get the fire started - I do not have the skills that Jenna does. So when she finally got out of bed (about an hour after me) I threw my hands up and told her it was her problem now. She got it going in no time (I was bitter) and we got to work on breakfast. It was about 10 am by the time we had breakfast on the table and our day was underway.

After breakfast we decided to go for a drive and check out the area a little. We left the site around noon after we got dressed and secured the site for our departure. This was the first two night trip and the first time that I really realized how slow you can actually go and I loved it. We left the site and drove down the long country road until we got to another corner of the Hillsborough Nature Preserve. The guy at the gate said that this was the hunting portion but that if we were just driving through we could do so. Apparently we didn’t strike him as the type of girls to sneak rifles in and hunt illegally. So off we drove. The man told us that it was just a few minutes to the end of the road and we would find ourselves back at the primitive campground. He was very wrong. After driving for about an hour through the woods and passing very sketchy looking groups of hunters with rifles (yikes) we finally got back out to another major road. Not our camping ground. We caved and broke out a phone to GPS our way back to where we needed to be. We were about 45 minutes away. So we tracked ourselves to the spot and stopped for gas, more beer, and snacks on the way. 

We finally got back to the campsite around 3pm and took to doing our own things. We hung the hammock and Jenna took the first turn while I went to the picnic table to try my hand at whittling. I got comfortable enough with the knife and small piece of wood I found and relocated to the fire which I was able to get going and keep going on my own. I made a pencil!

Before we had left for our venture, the couple in the camper across the way offered us their leftover firewood, so we had plenty to get us through the rest of the trip. I whittled away and Jenna swayed and napped in the hammock. After a while, a car pulled in and two lesbians and their dog made camp in the spot where the couple in the camper had been. They drove a small sedan and unloaded a small tent and two chairs. They used their car to block our view of their entire set up which was disappointing. We enjoy scoping out other people’s set up to get ideas of our own. 

Around the same time, we started to notice the sound of a small dog barking on the other end of the campground - about 100 yards away. We didn’t think much of it until it began getting louder and more annoying. We made comments to each other about it - mostly sarcastic, but didn’t honestly think anything of it. 

Finally, Jenna got tired of being interrupted by the noise and offered me my turn on the hammock. I was eager to try it out so I grabbed a book and some extra bug spray and headed over there. I realized very quickly that this was my new favorite camping activity. The book I brought with me was a novel from Scotland that I never got around to reading. I figured I would give it a go and try out at least the first few chapters. As it turns out, I hated the book. It wasn’t broken into chapters at all and the language was difficult to keep up with. I gave up on it and just dosed in and out of a light sleep while I swayed softly. The dog - which I now realized was two dogs - grew louder and louder as more people piled in with their campers, tents, and dogs of their own. I wondered why the owners wouldn’t shut them up. 

Jenna and I decided to start working on dinner. We brought steaks and potatoes with us to cook over the fire and the first thing we needed to do was get the coals hot enough which would take a bit of time. So I did that while Jenna started “marinating” a steak. We brought nothing to do this, but she managed to use the single packets of ketchup and BBQ sauce to make-shift a marinade. Honestly, I was wildly impressed. Don’t tell her. So we let the marinade soak in the tupperware container and just enjoyed a couple beers by the fire. 

Suddenly, a woman walked up to us and presented us with the best drama. Apparently she had arrived around 1 or 2 that afternoon and from the time she got there until the time she walked over to our camp (around 5pm) those dogs had been barking nonstop and she wanted to know if we knew anything about the people camping there. Of course, we didn’t, but I did tell her that I noticed a car there this morning that was no longer there. Which made the woman (I cannot for the life of me remember her name) feel a lot better. Her concern was that someone was dead inside the camper. She said that it was about to get dark and that she was growing concerned for the animals. We agreed that if it got to be 8pm and no one showed up to the camp, we would take a closer look and possibly call the police. 

So 8pm rolls around and she comes walking back over. This time, one of the lesbians from across the way and her dog are with her. Block party. So they tell us that they want to go look into the camper to see what the situation is but are afraid to do so alone. Me, being drunk, decided to be the brave one and lead the search crew. Jenna at my side. We walk over there with our flashlights and shone them in. There was a Jack Russel on the bed which was walled with a bug screen (so he got fresh air). His teeth were barred and his hair stood up on his back. He was not happy at all that we were there.  Behind him (or her) there was a cage on the counter next to the bed. Inside were 4 Jack Russel puppies. And on the floor of the camper was a litter box and two black cats next to it. So what we thought  was one or two dogs ended up being 7 animals just left alone in this camper. According to the woman whose name escapes me, they had been inside for at least 8 hours, maybe longer. So we decided to call the police and see what they could do. 

Jenna did that while the lady and I walked around to the other campsites and let people know that the police would likely be showing up soon. Before we could make it back to our own site, a forest ranger showed up in her truck. Super nice lady. She asked us to go back to our sites and that she would handle this. She drew her weapon (I had no idea that they armed rangers) and her flashlight and started looking around the camper and trying the door - which was locked. Me and Jenna, the lady, and the lesbians all watched from our perspective sites. As the ranger looked around. Right as she was about to get back in her truck, a car pulled up next to the camper and a woman and a young man got out. Apparently it was their camper. They talked to the cop for a while then went inside and the barking stopped for the rest of the night.

A little while later, the lady whose name escapes me came back over to our site to gossip. Apparently she was really nervous that we had pissed off the people for calling the cops. We agreed not to tell them who called (Jenna) if asked and to just say that we were all really worried about them thinking that they were dead inside. The lady told us that she was newly divorced and was trying camping out as a new hobby. She didn’t want a lot of people to know, but she was solo camping. Trying to find her independence I guess. She was nervous now and said she was going to sleep in her locked car. We told her we had a huge tent and she was welcomed to stay with us, but she refused and said that defeats the purpose of her trip, but that she thought we looked nice and she wanted to let someone know she was alone and scared. I have so much respect for her. I wish I could remember her name. 

Jenna and I finished our dinner in peace and played music for a bit. We went to bed earlier than the night before (thank god) and got a great night’s sleep.  

We woke up the next day and just kind of took our time. I slowly started repacking our bags and bins and would take frequent and long breaks in between. We had done this trip so much better than the last time that I wanted to saber it. I decided that I wanted to brush my teeth and get myself ready for the repacking of the car and the drive home. 

While I was brushing my teeth, the lady that owns the dogs in the trailer came driving up to introduce herself to us and apologize for her animals. We explained to her that we were just concerned that there was a human in there that needed help. She explained that she was “on campus writing a paper all day” and that she would be again today but this time she was going to leave her adult son behind to watch over the animals. 

Needless to say, that was a strange encounter and we were sufficiently creeped out. Who goes camping when they have a paper to write? Who brings their adult son to campus to write a paper? We had so many questions but figured that most of them were better left unanswered. We quickly finished packing and just left before she came back 

Besides the neighbor drama and the really gross bathroom, this was a pretty good trip. Gear-wise, we really stepped it up and I am pretty proud of us. 

Get Outside, 

Stone

[meditationadvise]

Are You Making Space for the Sacred?

I have actually never made a church prior to. A number of my innovative and spiritual buddies design edges of their houses to motivate them. I like seeing their meditation stations. They have actually gathered such interesting objects to show their dreams as well as petitions-- rock elephants, jade statuaries, delicate headscarfs and discolored pictures. I such as being in their rooms.

Being deeply curious concerning others, I'm always thrilled and also a little shocked that I'm enabled right into these external representations of their minds. I'll ring their chimes and also put my fingertips in their scent ash. I go residence as well as envision what my suitable nook may look like, make a couple of weak initiatives, and eventual choose that I am a lot also much of a minimal for even a divine collection.

For a while, I was envious of individuals that produced intricate vision boards and had the knack for instilling objects with meaning. I have not constantly been the type of person that obtains a thrill from tossing things out. As a teenager, there had not been a blank area on my walls. Also my closet doors were covered in Mary Engelbreit images. I had tables and bookshelves ladened with dried flowers, stuffed toys, and also souvenirs.

Under my bed, I stowed away redecorated tea and stogie boxes loaded with paper strips baring motivational quotes. I started to really feel suffocated by my personal history. I donated or trashed everything up until I had a single box of tokens. I even tossed out years of journals-- their spiral bindings slicing through the plastic garbage bags.

Ever because university, when people come to visit me, they ask where all my sh * t is. They have a difficult time believing that just what they see in my space is all that I own. I am not Spartan. I satisfaction myself on having plants, mirrors, and just enough touches to make a space feel complete. Still, a sacred room to me is a void-- a time out, a breath of fresh air, or the flawlessly arranged disorder of nature.

I met a young female lately who is a wanderer. In fact, she has a residence that she rents out to pay for her travels, however, for all intents as well as objectives she has no area to call her very own.

I wish to be a wanderer. One of the most outstanding exploration traveling provides us is the awareness that we can belong nearly anywhere.

When I arrive in a new area, I assume to myself that I might reside in this home, walk to this store, being in this park, as well as write in this coffee shop. I could imagine a million various lives, a million different off-shoots of the existing me. If we are truthful with ourselves, we are at residence all over and also nowhere.

The exact same holds true of other individuals. I uncover people anywhere whom I know I can enjoy. When I stroll about in a place of awareness, I am always struck by exactly how the upper class are-- a woman with wild grey hair surrounded by her 4 kids in the grocery shop, a boy on the aircraft with a void between his teeth, the checker with her nose ring as well as haircut, and the beard male in a tweed blazer.

As we deal with our day, our stories intersect with so numerous other tale lines as we crisscross each others' paths. The constant buzzing in our very own heads keeps up the impression that we are different. We remain concentrated on individuals with whom we really feel some sense of possession. The people who appear to sweep in and out of our lives do not register as having value to us. They are not ours so we are not interested.

When I was backpacking across Europe (the closest I've ever obtained to nomad standing), we remained in a hostel in Madrid that promoted a cost-free breakfast.

Breakfast became a container of Nutella, a loaf of bread, a toaster oven, a box of tea, and also exactly 3 mugs. Students from around the world gathered in the kitchen area rinsing as well as passing the mugs as we all explored the Nutella. The combination of exhaustion and language obstacles indicated we really did not talk much however this is still among my favorite memories. We merely stood around sharing space.

This may be a weird confession for an author, yet words do fall short.

In middle college, I had the entire New Testament on tape. Our church experienced a stage of offering these collections, and being a life-long type-An individual, I laid out making myself a much better individual through learning. I rode my bike around the block while periodically quiting to flip over the tape in my Walkman. After all that study, I still really felt closest to God while in our backyard.

My family's backyard has actually always been a mingled mess of my dad's efforts at playground, veggie gardens, and also various other landscape design ventures. As my brother showed himself flips on the trampoline, I walked around as well as around a tree concealed behind the residence. I tipped from rock to rock in the ring noting our substantial animal cemetery. I pictured each cherished creature decomposing in a shoebox-- the brilliant green scales of my iguana, the bent shell-like beak as well as blue plumes of my brother's bird, and the delicate skeletons of guinea pigs. Some evenings, as the streetlights flicker on in the violet sundown, my mind went blank. For a minute, I not been afraid shedding my form to development, change, and also death.

Reflecting on youth memories, I start to understand that the information of sacred rooms are not as vital as the permission they give us to ruminate.

This is why I hate texting. Real interaction takes place between the words. Words "hahaha" will never resemble the tones in somebody's laughter or the sheer pleasure you experience when sharing that moment of launch with them.

Texting as well as immediate messaging constantly make me feel like I'm being packed right into someone's day like I am simply one even more point they're multitasking between laundry and also TiVo. Speaking on the phone isn't a lot better. I require to see an individual's face as well as review their body movement however most importantly I just wish to use up room with them. I'm stressed with veranda chairs, hammocks, fireplaces, open roadways, and sundown walks.

As a child as well as a teen, I invested long hours lying on the carpet with buddies. Adults really feel the should plan a meal or occasion or a minimum of transform on the TELEVISION when guest more than. I question how odd people would certainly locate me if I asked them to find and lie on the carpet with me currently. Or if I invited a lots of people right into my kitchen area and also used just a few cups and also a jar of Nutella. Or if I stopped strangers in the roads with bizarrely in-depth praises-- tiny poems about their inherent elegance-- and after that left.

We can get so caught up in the features, the information, the structure of alters, the planning of dates, the consistent chatter of instantaneous connection, and the mission for possession that we forget making space.

Don' t put it on your order of business. Do not berate on your own for refraining it right. Don't scamper to reserve some time at a lakeside cabin. Simply discover the minutes of peaceful and also gently extend them. Give right into the impulse to stick around. The yards I liked the most were disregarded and disorderly. They advised me that elegance happens normally as well as requires no control or preparation. All it needs is room to sprout, expand, blossom, pass away, and degeneration-- over and also over again.

[lifeandthings]

Oh 2016, You are over.

What a year, folks.

I can’t even comprehend a lot of what this year was to me. Have you ever felt like you’re just watching yourself live from the outside, as if you’re breathing on your own face, just looking at yourself wondering if you’re even alive enough to be considered living? Hah. Sounds depressing, right? But that became much of my 2016. Unintentionally, I began drifting into this really negative and zombie-like lifestyle, brought on by a paralyzing, unhealthy amount of stress. My sanity suffered. My identity suffered. My husband suffered. It lasted for too long, too… But there was always goodness and joy in my life; I just couldn’t see it.

I feel so ridiculous sometimes, because I am sitting here in my comfortable, warm, and cat-filled home… and I’m letting the weight of my really incredible job and my I’m-so-busy mindset bring me down. I have none of the struggles that most of humanity has to deal with, because I was lucky enough to have fabulous, still-married parents and because I grew up in an easy, middle-class-America lifestyle.

Realistically, I have lived through very little adversity, discomfort, or oppression. I like to think I understand a lot of different human situations, and I think I do to a certain extent, but only because I’m audacious enough to think I have some intuitive empathy and ability to learn from others’ experiences. I have had a very easy life and truly know nothing of many evils.

I will go on to explain how this year has shaped my personhood regardless, through my own definition of tough times, how decent parts of my soul were refined and how some of my innate selfishness was killed… it was certainly the hardest year I’ve ever had. I hope that perhaps by reading (if you are bored) what I have learned about life through this year, that you might be reminded of something that helps heal you, too.

So, here’s to 2016, for teaching me about my wretched soul and it’s self-attacking habits, only to bring me to its end with a better outlook on who I can be for the world.

Now, for the less fun stuff. It starts with a good thing, though.

In 2016, we became the school directors (And we thought we were busy before that…) This is the biggest life change we’ll have for a very long time… probably until we reproduce. This change of our titles at school was actually really unexpected, but it was surely the proper time for the transition. We are learning how to be bosses: how to oversee ten thousand things at once while also trying to accomplish our own tasks and still stay sane. I don’t know how leaders of much bigger organizations handle it, either.

This was a really exciting and welcomed transition, but it kind of slapped me in the face, as far as lessons go. And then I ended up beating up the rest of me without really meaning to. I fell into a 4-to-6-month hole when I kept thinking that, of course, the people who can succeed at this kind of thing aren’t people like me: the creative, inefficient and easily-overwhelmed ones who need to find meaning and feel productive in every minute of the work day. The people who succeed at this are people like my husband: the diligently effective, structured and wise problem-solvers.

I had a pretty self-deprecating period in 2016. My worth is so tied up in what I do day-by-day, and I was feeling so much like I was drowning that I assumed I really was. Some of this was real. Some of it I imagined.

And I just. couldn’t. do it. I confess that I’m a workaholic. I let work devour each one of my minutes until it became all I could think about, all I could do. This led to many burnt out evenings… Many breakdowns… I think I felt so inadequate for this role that I tried SO HARD to be great at it. And I wore myself into the ground. And then, without warning and without intending to, I collapsed. It was probably late October when that happened…

And then I was a zombie-worker. I lost all motivation. I was trying so hard to not let anyone down that I was more focused on not letting anyone down than what I needed to be doing, which of course meant I WAS letting people down. That crushed me. I realized that my worst fear was actually true, that I was actually not succeeding at the work I wanted so badly to succeed at. By being so caught up in that exact thing, I found myself sinking deeper into fear of my own inadequacy instead of recognizing my failure and moving on. I couldn’t quite bring myself to believe I was capable of this job anymore.

For most of the summer and fall, I would return home from work and sit on the couch and stare. Stare at the wall. Stare at the door. Stare at the books that I didn’t have enough mental energy to read. Stare at my cats while they fought cat-brother battles. Try to beckon them to me only to have them turn away their high noses and then show up ten minutes later in my lap. My head was so unnecessarily full that I couldn’t do anything else. I didn’t know how to handle the responsibility and the accompanying concerns.

The little Kronk devil on my shoulder was telling me that I was a waste of space, a failure at my job, a terribly selfish wife (fairly true at that point in time), and a totally undeserving vessel of our precious oxygen. I think I hit the lowest of lows in my whole life, and it was all made up in my head. I’ve had some really emotionally challenging circumstances too, but those occurred back when I was a generally optimistic and positive human, someone I consider more of an ideal me, someone who drifted from me over the past few years of stress.

I really needed a wake up call, because every negative thought in my head was all based on my ungrateful perception of a truly great situation. Yet every single morning was a ridiculous struggle. I lost all energy for the work day. I stopped wanting to get up in the morning. That strained my husband and it led to less productive days for me (shocker). The culprit that was dragging me down was just this huge, towering rubber-band ball of stress.

I’ve learned that I do not know how to handle stress. At all. Ironically, I’m usually very calm in dangerous situations or situations that require common sense or care of another. It’s like mom-mode automatically kicks in and I am strong and careful, trying to help others. But when it comes to my own dang life, I’m a total mess. I take responsibility for EVERYTHING, even if it’s not mine to take. I let work devour every second of my thought process because I want so badly to succeed and to do well at my job. I internalize every failure and it permeates my free time, too. I start thinking I am never going to live up to this business if I don’t just do one more thing, write one more email. (And I couldn’t if I kept that up.)

What it really came down to was pride. I’m a stubborn, self-righteous mess who cares so much about looking like I have it all together and being strong for other people that I start letting the inner-sanctum of my life suffer in order to maintain the idea that I’m in control of my life, great at my job, and also that I am right (aka, correct in my assumptions or decisions).

I never realized that I tried to “present the perfect life” in my own weird way… because I’d always hear about all the people trying to make their lives look amazing on Instagram and perfect bodies and what not… and I’m not that way at all, but in reality, in real life, I have the same compulsion regarding the people around me. My version of this corruptive mindset manifests itself as wanting people to perceive me as smart and having my head screwed on straight. Now I realize it is kind of the same thing… just mental instead of physical.

My husband helped a lot. He’s an angel of positivity and good advice at all times. He is the type of person who is overjoyed with his house, wife, cats, and job, and he truly doesn’t understand when people (ahem, me) can’t just enjoy the little things and love life, because why not?! (He’s the best person ever, really…)

Church helped a lot, too. I am so crazy about our church, and so grateful we began attending it this past spring. Scott’s preaching is boss, and his grace-filled yet straightforward get-off-your-butt kind of reprimands are exactly what I needed at this point. The season of life that I hit in October and November was a big problem. I knew it was self-inflicted. I knew if I could only overhaul my negative attitude that I would be healed of this mental sickness. I think I drank a glass or two (or three) of wine every single night of November… I didn’t even realize I was doing it until the end of the month.

God reminded me that I will continue to flounder when I try to overhaul my negative attitude, no matter how many productivity, positivity, gratitude and self-help style books I buy (and trust me, there were a lot… it’s one of my favorite genres). What I needed to be reminded of is that Jesus is far stronger than I will ever be, and no peace is like His peace. Slowly but surely, I stopped trying to do it all on my own, because I just can’t. Jesus wanted to take my burden and carry it for me. Seriously, how much better can it get? He didn’t ask me to get myself figured out before I come to Him. He asked me to stop being so hard on myself and instead trust that He’s got this. He led me here and He’ll lead me daily.

Crazy how everything started falling into place shortly after God slapped me on the forehead with that and I stopped freaking out about every little thing.

It wasn’t instant at all. It’s not magic. It requires me consciously setting aside my own crazy brain and asking for God’s peace daily. I started enjoying work more. I started being kinder. I sort of became myself (or the me I always strive to be) again, without realizing it.

Then last week when I got to see so many friends in my hometown in Alaska, I felt even more like the happy-go-lucky me they all know me as. I am so grateful these magnificent souls brought me back to a time when things were simpler for me, mostly because joy was all that consumed me back then.

It was a tough year of fighting my own mind. I think I have an strong inclination toward depression and anxiety. It was never noticeable until I took on so much stress that it paralyzed me. It became far more than I could ever handle. And here I used to think I was having hard times… hard years… losing friends, crashing cars, college finals, other jobs. It was nothing compared to what running a school feels like. This year broke me. And it was EXACTLY what I needed.

So here I am, entering 2017, coming up on my quarter of a century-mile-marker… Every year I think I have more figured out, and then I’m nudged and reminded that God is the only thing that truly matters and that pride will always kill me. I’m grateful to all of my family and friends for dealing with me being a depressing pile of mush this year.

I’m so happy to feel freed from all this self-created distress. 2016 has taught me about myself in a way that no other year has… I’ve finally come face to face with my biggest enemy: my own need to be wise, to be right, to be in control and to be awesome, better known as pride. A healthy dose is called self-esteem and confidence in who you are, but it’s so easy for it to become an all-consuming monster.

I’ve been reminded that the skills I bring to my job are unique and worthwhile, and that’s WHY I’m doing it. That’s why I was put in this position. I’m not like my husband, so easily ordered, but I have the skills he doesn’t have, which is why we make a great team. And even so, no matter what, I am reminded that spending time doing the things I love and loving the things I do will bring me lasting joy to persevere through more stressful times.

Here’s to a year full of less of the negative and more of the little day-to-day joys. That’s my goal. Let’s see how it goes. 😁

By the way, part of what will help me is this new blog. I very much enjoy writing. I like writing about life and important things… Real things. A blog has been on my mind for a long time…

So, welcome to Life & Things. Follow (https://lifeandthings.tumblr.com) to keep up with my brain… I know I can’t write as fast as it moves but I’ll try to do better about at least writing something. It will be my stress reliever and a joy-helper. For now, let’s just enjoy 2017 for all of its upcoming good and bad things. Do we not always learn from them? 🙏🏼