#I think I torture myself too much with positive What If scenarios bc they’re just not happening

[coldvampire]

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[herecomesnaya]

I tried defending myself about liking underage fics to someone, they said my argument is too black and white and dont make sense like, "i really do not care if it’s fictional bc someone enjoying that kinda content must be based off smth, u must get that idea from somewhere, and i think that’s really sick. that’s normalizing sexualizing children man, it’s so wrong. 1/2

"that’s normalizing sexualizing children man, it’s so wrong. u can’t say fiction and real life are two completely separate entities bc fictional elements are based off of reality!!!!!! and u really thought u said sumn with the horror movie example huh? who or what are u rooting for when u watch horror movies? bc i personally want the ppl to survive. are u reading underage fics bc u want the minors to escape the abusive relationship?" 2/3 rather

"also, not to get to close to u but what do u think ur boss or co-workers or whomever would think if they found out about u enjoying this kinda content? bc that answer should tell u enough about how problematic it is. hope u understand better !" it's bc i had made an example bc i work at an ngo to stop pedophiles from harming children but i read underage fics she rlly said this wow im

undefeatable logic here: the person’s irl career invalidated by their fictional preferences, the same way doctors aren’t allowed to watch horror movies because then they’re promoting grievous injuries

someone’s being too black-and-white here, but it’s not you, anon. enjoying fictional content isn’t, and has never been, a 1:1 “we consume the content we wish we were personally engaged in.” there are a million reasons a person might watch horror movies, just like there are a million reasons a person might want to write underage fics. it’s not “I want to see people escape a murderer” vs. “I want to watch people die,” and it’s not “I want to read about a fictional child being victimized” vs. “I want to see victimized fictional children escape their circumstances.”

I’ve told this story before, but I’ll say it again now. when I was younger, I was terrified of horror movies, to the point of not being able to be in the room if one was playing. I spent more than one Halloween locked in my bathroom, crying my eyes out because there were too many people outside wearing Ghostface masks. I was a far cry from the horror fanatic, Halloween-loving gore writer I am today!

I made a decision at a certain point to consume the media I was most afraid of, like a vaccine against that terror that made it so hard for me to function when I was a kid. horror lets me safely explore the worst-case scenario. it lets me think more about a character’s personality when I can see them at their lowest, what they might do if they’re running from a murderer or trying to escape a torture dungeon. I can dip my toes into that world and rest assured that the safety of real life is waiting for me when I get back.

I hear that person saying “they’re not the same,” so let me address the elephant in the room: sex.

so, yeah, I like horror for all the reasons I listed above. I also like guro, and noncon, and all those other ugly things when it comes to fic and smut. sexualizing horror was another way for me to own that fear, to mold it into something positive instead of negative (you hear a similar thing with rape victims who start to enjoy noncon, etc.). of course I’m still disgusted by the idea of any of that stuff in real life, but in a purely fictional context, it’s a welcome release from day-to-day anxieties.

there are people out there who like things that we can’t even dream of, for reasons we will never understand, reasons that make perfect sense for the person behind them. so much goes into human sexuality, from our formative years all the way through our lives. it’s impossible to break it down into a right-or-wrong, “this is how it works” sort of equation.

so how does this translate to fiction? take Mirror Mask. for me, that series is an exploration into the different outcomes of CSA and rape, with Dick representing hypersexuality and Jason representing sexual aversion. it’s not the Entire Point of the fic, but it’s one of many examples I could give of why I write those things for reasons that aren’t “I like the idea of kids being raped hurrrdurdurdur.” (which I don’t, at all. it disgusts me. but this? ain’t it, chief)

what matters is that you know the difference between your personal preferences and how things should be in the real world. hell, you actively make a difference to real victims, which is more than most antis on this site can say. bullying does nothing but make the person doing it feel powerful. I’d ask that person to examine why they feel the need to “make a difference” by targeting small fandom creators (who are mostly queer/female/people who are mistaken for female) instead of the adult cishet men who made the world this way.

feel free to share this with them, or anyone else you might get into these debates with. sorry I went on for so long, and I hope it helped!

[survivor-mountmerapi]

Ep. 12: “This round feels like a season of glee” - Steven

Anastasia

So I did something finally. I flipped on the newbies and sent Madi home. Honestly the only thing I did differently was actually think about the game and numbers. Plus I talked to people and made a really good bond with DeNara. I'm also a little better with Raffy, not that it matters bcs we are somehow getting Raffy outta here I think. I know the next competition is endurance and that's apperantly Raffy's strong suit. So frick. But I know where everything stands for once. I know who is working with who I THINK. So I just need to survive next round and gain the numbers.

Gian

My revenge is coming for being left out of this vote. Idk when and how I'll do it but I will do whatever it takes.

DeNara

Thank goodness I survived this vote! All thanks to Anastasia! I need a brain break, I am so tired now lol

Raffy

An hour before tribal council, Elle decided that she would give me the immunity necklace. The reasoning she told me is that we need a strong 4 votes to cause a tie. Anastasia told DeNara that she would be flipping on Madi and Gian by voting Rachel (which is what that side thought we were doing). Because of this, I wanted to use my SWP since they would have a 4-3 majority. However, Elle believed that we could not trust Anastasia until after tribal. Anastasia could be lying and wanting me to play the SWP (which Madi and Gian happily spread around) so the newbies would have 4-3. Despite this, I wanted to be safe because I was starting to worry that Madi would play her idol on herself. The compromise would be that Elle would give me the immunity necklace which did occur. Finally, the alliance's acting paid off as Madi misplayed the idol which caused her to get voted out. Now, the Faes alliance is the majority alliance. Wig.

I have new worries going into this round. Anastasia really wants to do big moves, so she should want to vote me out now that Madi is gone. My other worry is that Anastasia is much more loyal and is a solid ally for DeNara, not me. This means, if DeNara was so inclined, she could get the numbers to vote me out. DeNara is going to get a lot of power the further we get. It's very interesting to see what the breakdown is. Due to this, I have decided to keep my door open with Gian. Steven agreed that we could potentially work with Gian to hide behind him as a shield. Also, this is kind of an emotional thing because I really do feel close to Gian. I do not know what kind of move I'd do to keep Gian this round. If he wins immunity, then it would be great and I would not have to do any maneuvering. However, in all scenarios except one, I am betraying my allies which is not a good look for me. My idea is to finally get Rachel out this round, so it would keep Gian in the game while keeping my allies good with me.

Raffy

I got on call with Gian earlier today to express a desire to work with him to target Anastasia or DeNara. I was doing a lot of talking during the call which had me worry as he seemed to just be taking in this information without providing any back. This had me skeptical on whether or not he wanted to work with me. My skepticism was correct. According to DeNara, Gian told Anastasia that I want to target her for being a wildcard this round. He used the information I gave him against me. However, thanks to my very good relationship with DeNara, I am now in the know that he does not want to work with me. Bye Gian. Say hi to Madi in jury for me. I might just use my SWP just to be sure. Plus, it forces Anastasia to target Gian instead of me for this round.

Raffy

The current plan is for DeNara to tell Anastasia that she is willing to flip after a bit of reluctance. In actuality, we are just trying to make them think that Gian is the vote. At tribal, we will all vote for Rachel instead in case there is an idol. I am VERY nervous for this tribal. I do not want to be here. According to DeNara, Elle would be the person the newbies vote for if I leave which is perfectly fine with me. I need to survive. I have to get to F6. There's really no guarantee that this plan even works in the first place. And does DeNara even trust me after hearing all that information from Gian's rat mouth? UGH. The paranoia is way too high for my liking.

DeNara

Honestly this game is so tiring, why do I torture myself with this stress? Oh because I love Survivor that's why. Lol. Soooooo Anastasia wants to flip on Raffy, Steven and Elle and take Raffy out of the game because he is a threat. Which means I am in the middle....AGAIN. It is Raffy, Elle, and Steven vs. Gian, Rachel and Anastasia. I want to stay with Raffy, Elle and Steven and take out Rachel this vote and then flip and take Raffy out next vote so I can keep the numbers but I am super super super nervous of Raffy. I caught Raffy in a lie today. I talked to Gian and he said he was on call with Steven and Raffy earlier and that Raffy was throwing my name out because I have a good relationship with Elle, Rachel and Anastasia (which I do). I called Steven and he admitted that the 3 of them did talk, but he said that Raffy was saying Rachel the whole time, not me. BUT when I went on call with Raffy, Steven and Elle I told Raffy that Gian said he went on call with him and he started to make an excuse saying he was at school all day and that wasn't true. THEN Steven said to Raffy that he already told me they were on call so Raffy had to back track..... All the newbies are saying to Raffy that they are voting for me.... so I am scared Raffy is working with the newbies to get me out since I have become such a threat.

Steven says it wouldn't make any sense for Raffy to flip and get me out now, but if they all think I have become a bigger threat than Raffy, he could very well flip and take me out. I really really hope Raffy is being honest about wanting to vote Rachel out or I am super hecked tomorrow. Here is to hoping I am in the game after the next tribal!!!!!!!

Gian

After a very insightful conversation with the VL, I've decided to grab the game by the balls and attempt to get out the kingpin of the game (again) or at least weaken him by taking out one of his minions. I'm being super careful this time about everything. Saying the right things to the right people can cause panic and paranoia and victimizing myself from the last vote--I'm using that to my advantage. Let's hope this pays off. If not, at least I'm leaving with a big swing!

DeNara

My morning of paranoia continues. I don't think Raffy will flip because it would be a stupid move rn, but I do think I need to be careful. This will likely be the last time I can truly play the middle like I have been.

I feel so bad about lying to Anastasia because she did save me, but this is what is best for my game. I also feel bad for Rachel because we have gotten close and I dont want to vote her out. Really I want Gian out next but I have to stick with my alliance.

Rachel

I love the misconceptions of this game. Even if i'm on the outside. That was an excellent play by the returnees. I am so sad to see Madi go! She was with Gian and I since day 1. I can never repay her for using her idol for me. I am just shocked Anastasia flipped too, but I understand her reasoning (even though i thought we we're a solid 4). Hopefully we can make a big move this round and if not, we'll go out trying! I just hope Gian and I are truly not at the bottom. I wish we got Raffy out sooner, but only cause he is such a great player-socially and strategically.

Elle

I'm in class rn lol but here's a convo I just had with Dylan in my Host Chat 10:10 AM VL: The amount of lies I've heard and confirmed they are lies before 9am is absolutely terrifying to me 😅 GUYS THIS IS GONNA BE SO MESSY OMG Dylan, 10:12 AM wild what all is happening 10:14 AM so yesterday, gian went on call with steven and raffy to vote denara out but then on our alliance call, raffy tried to deny any meeting when denara asked, until steven was like "no okay we called, to vote out rachel" and now denara is being a double agent trying to convince the newbies shes gonna vote for raffy in exchange for safety so it seems like maybe the newbies dont actually want denara out and are trying to scare her into siding with them? why raf and steven are lying i dont know Dylan, 10:18 AM spicy [tiktok voice] that’s suspicious...that’s weird re: raffy and steven 10:20 AM mhm?? like it's fine if they're tricking the newbies but why lie to us anyway im perfectly out of the direct loop completely because now ppl think im completely in raffy's pocket but also that me and denara are probs close so im just "she's there." Dylan, 10:22 AM oof not a fun position to be in 10:23 AM nah im fine w it i hate lying lmao this way im mostly just watching it happen while talking to ppl about like, good playlists khjdlsajldj

Anastasia

So I got Denara on board with teaming with the newbies and together we will all take down Raffys trio hopefully. We will most likely target Elle instead of Raffy so we can take out one of his minions. I think the safest option would be to vote Steven because I think nobody would expect that but Gian insists Elle. I think Elle has an idol. Lets just hope she feels safe. ALSO IM SO GLAD IM SAFE but now im just worried for my future because I obviously need numbers to move on.

Elle

D: I don't knowwww whats happening okay so basically it seems like neither side has an idol and is psyching the other out that they do but probability wise at least one person has an idol rn??? So idk ugh :/ what the heck is going on anyway I'm making a playlist and i need new music for it send me a song recc everyone reading this like a month later i promise ill give any song a listen🎶

Raffy

The plan seems to be going well. DeNara has successfully infiltrated the newbie group and is leaking their shit. According to her, the newbies are scared that I have an idol and want to target Elle instead. I would love to push this narrative, but I don't know how. If I can get them to target Elle over me, then this would be great. However, I do believe now that they do not have an idol based on all that DeNara has spilled on their paranoia. It should be a successful 4-3 with Rachel getting the boot. Then, I am guaranteed F5 in this game.

Steven

This round feels like a season of glee where people are just trying to hit plot points with no rhyme or reason

Steven

https://youtu.be/xfJ6x988Dqw

DeNara

I am in the middle and so stressed. Do I vote Rachel or Raffy?!?!?!?! Maybe it is me

DeNara

I am so stressed... oh my gosh! If I get voted out, it was a great move by the others and I will regret not voting Raffy

[katstrm]

friday, july 17

I am unsure of how to summarize my feelings. Unless I document them immediately, I feel like they flit away as often and as quickly as they arrived. Have I been happy recently? I think so. I know that I’ve been going through positive and/or neutral emotions often enough lately. But upon some self-reflection, it’s difficult to pinpoint exactly when and why I was happy or content. It’s unsurprising that my more negative emotions, my anxiety, my stress, my anger, have left a more definite mark on my recent memories - if I can recall correctly, this is natural to expect bc of adapted survival-tended programming of the human brain. 

Science or not, it still sucks lol. 

I find myself worried quite frequently about what others think of me (and connectedly, my values) vis a vis innocuous online interactions; I know i‘m reading too deeply into likes and comments and views when in reality there’s nothing much to read. I am overly concerned with being right all the time, and justify it by telling myself that I’m doing my job to hold other people accountable. Yes, accountability is important, but it shouldn’t be a debilitating responsibility in instances where I’m not even remotely involved. (I want to note, however, that this is not to absolve me/others from instances in which injustice is directly witnessed, but that’s besides the point I’m trying to make here.) For example, I see people walking across the street, and immediately start wondering what their thoughts are on today’s current events and politics. I automatically assume they’re wrong (according to my personal set of values) and mentally chastise them because I Have To Be Right All The Time. And for what reason? Why do I insert myself into these imaginary scenarios and intentionally stress myself out? I couldn’t begin to imagine why I subject myself to this meaningless mental torture. Additionally, it’s cruel of me to think of others in this way, whether the other person is aware of my judgements or not.

I am painfully conscious of my elephantine ego - and I hate it. I far too often get myself into stressful situations because of this strange, innate desire to be “””””morally superior”””””, despite the knowledge that morals and values are deeply personal and not necessarily shared amongst all people. I want to be a good person, but that doesn’t necessitate the assumption that everyone else is bad. I’m tired enough as it is, not unlike everyone else right now, and there’s no need to further exhaust myself with these mental gymnastics. (fyi, I am going to therapy, + highly recommend therapy bc it’s wonderful and everyone can benefit from therapy no matter what they think of themselves!)

With that being said, I don’t intend to stay silent about what I feel is important. Nonetheless, I’ve made a personal commitment to myself to just.......chill out. Standing up for what’s right is one thing, but placing the whole world on your shoulders is another. I can’t forcibly change anyone’s mind about anything, I can only do that for myself. I can say whatever I want, but if the other person doesn’t believe me or side with me, I have to be okay with the fact that they’re not going to change their mind. If anything, I encourage you to take time to step back and evaluate yourself as often as you can. Take time to listen to others and be humble. Take time to figure out which hills are worth dying on, and which aren’t. Consider what you value most. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink. Maybe think about why the horse isn’t thirsty.