#I think I've cried more this year and specifically these past 3 days more than I ever have before

[girlscience]

I'm glad I was here, and I know he wouldn't have wanted to stay like that long, and I know he went while everyone was laughing and talking in the kitchen like he would have wanted, but god I'm selfish. I want 100 more sits on the porch swing and 100 more trailhand rides and 100 more fences to fix and 100 more brush piles to burn.

[crescencestudio]

๋࣭⭑ Devlog #38 | 2.27.24 ๋࣭⭑

How is it already almost March omfg.

Anyways Happy Valentine's Day month!!! This year, I was swamped with work, so I didn't get a chance to make Valentine's Day art. I did make a Valentine's piece last year though.

BUT we did have beloved @magunalafay make these Valentine's Day cards this year for the community!!! <3 If you missed it, well Happy Valentine's Day!!!!!

She made these as a gift, and I love her very much. Maguna u r so talented

This month was pretty busy for me, but I'm super happy with the progress made this month ^^ I feel like I've started the year off in a pretty good groove after it being all over the place for a hot second, yay!!!

This past month, Etza and Druk's routes. With the revamped demo finishing its revisions, it left a lot more time for me to focus writing on full route development.

If you missed the announcement, I FINISHED Etza's first draft!!! YAAAYYY!!!! FINALLY!!!!!!

That means 4/6 routes are finished in terms of the base writing, which is so exciting to MEEEEE. I've always seen Etza's draft as The Milestone because with their route finished, it would mean the four Central routes are done writing. And to me, while there's a good chuck of writing left, we are nearing the end of it.

There's only two routes left and that means it's about ~100k words which is CRAZY compared to when I had ~300k to write (:cries:). Even if that sounds like a lot, once I start chipping away at those routes, that 100k goes into the "double digits" aka 90k...80k... etc. and that makes me want to pee my pants

We also finished editing Druk's route, yay!!! So we reached a lot of milestones this month ^^

We are nearing the end of the Vui background commissions. It's very bittersweet; I'm so used to mentioning him in my devlogs now </3 There's only like 3(?) more BGs left for him to make, and then all of the BGs for the game will be finished. Very Wild! I think Alaris will have 25ish BGs, and they are all Stunning.

It's been a while since I showed you all a BG, so I'll give you all a preview of one I just got in!

Isn't it cozy? Guess whose house hehe

I personally have been doing a lot of sprite work this month to finish the final art assets for the demo. I added some expressions to Druk and Aisa that I'd been procrastinating (I don't even know why I was procrastinating them). And I finally finished Mom and Kimura's updated sprites! Patreon already saw them, but I'll show the new versions here too ^^

Preview of Mom (left) and Kimura (right) updated sprites. Now everyone's sprite styles are cohesive YAY!!

Aside from sprite work, much of my "art" time has been on finishing up/putting together the last of the screens for the GUI. Specifically, I got THIS BABY up and running. She is my crowning glory.

Memory Screen to Replay Unlocked Free Time Dates

Oh my god.... You all have NO IDEA how much of a pain this was to code. There is a transparency gradient going on in the left and right B&W previews (courtesy of community programming angel feniks/shawna).

And then the effort to have the Titles and Descriptions of the Previewed Date change tilted me on Multiple Occasions. But we finally got it to work thanks to bestie @siyo-koy pointing out I just coded one stupid "if" statement wrong LJAFSLIEFJIEJ. But the effort was WORTH IT because I'm so proud of her!!! I hope you all like it too as a way to relive Free Time Dates. I had a lot of fun with the Titles and descriptions.

I also put together the Stats and Affection Screens

Preview of Personality Stats & Affection Screens

So I coded both of them a bit differently from each other. The Personality Screen shows you a breakdown of your traits so far. Think of it like a pie graph! So in the preview picture, your choices indicate you are 33% Brave, 16% Charismatic, etc. I felt like this was a more natural way to portray personality rather than how many bravery points you've collected so far!

And then for Affection, it works in a more traditional way, where it counts it based on how many you've gotten out of the total amount you can get. This way, as the story progresses, how close you are to the person reflects how much your relationship as developed!

I've also added little descriptions underneath each that change depending on the percentage. So for example, if you have gotten 82% of the affection points for Kuna'a, the description of your relationship might change as well hehe

Other than that, I've mainly focused on getting the demo together. We released the beta demo earlier this month (? LOL). And the feedback has been so kind!!

A lot of this month was spent polishing so that the demo can be ready for early access and eventually public release. I updated sprites, made sure music crossfades with each other so that transitions between soundtracks feel smoother, I added/polished all of the screens I needed to (e.g., Memory Room, Full Credits, Cleaning Music Room, Adding Stats Screens), and I FINALLY as of yesterday added the Voiced Lines!!

One thing I added in the Extended Demo that I'm really happy with is the use of Extended Pronouns (courtesy of Angel Feniks). Below is a preview of how it works now!

Preview of Extended Pronouns Function. Credit to Feniks

Basically, you can choose multiple pronouns for yourself, including custom pronouns (e.g., xe/xem, fae/faer, etc.). On top of that, you can choose how often you'd like the pronouns to alternate (e.g., every line versus every scene) and what kind of terms you'd like to be used for you (e.g., neutral vs. masculine vs. feminine)!

Overall, the demo is getting closer and closer to release!!! Early Access will hopefully be ready by the end of this week or next, so if you all would like access to it, please feel free to subscribe to my Patreon for this upcoming month! Available to Wyvern tier ($5) and up.

I didn't have any time to really play any games this month because I was drowning in work LMFAOSLJIEF. I did play the Threads of Bay demo by @lavendeerstudios and it was GORGEOUS! Very cute game with lovable characters and charming visuals. Andrew, I will have your number

Every other section was really long, so I'm going to throw it here even though it's not market research. But Intertwine recently hit 600 ratings, which is crazy. Thank you for still enjoying that game even if it's not one that is my main focus anymore. I'm really happy people still like it :on the verge of tears:

Anyways, this has been a long devlog. Here's to continuing to Ball in March. Hope you all have a great rest of your month, and I'll talk to you soon! <3

[roamwithahungryheart]

Rare Disease Day 2023

I'd like to start by saying a huge thank you to everyone for your support and love after my recent surgery, it truly means so, so much.

As it's Rare Disease Day once again, I want to share my experience in the hope that it helps someone out there to not only understand what it's like to live with a rare disorder, but also to feel a little less alone. So, let's get down to it.

For those of you who don't already know, I was born with a Dandy-Walker malformation and an atrioventricular septal defect specifically known as Tetralogy of Fallot. ToF is characterized by four defects, and according to my current surgeon, my case isn’t textbook. God's plan was to make me as unique as possible!

I had corrective surgery at just 5 weeks old, and my second repair in October 2022. I’ll need further surgeries in the future.

While ToF is one of the more commonly known conditions, DWS is largely unrecognized. Even the specialists I’m under don’t know everything about DWS. That’s the trouble with a disorder with so many variants.

According to statistics from the Dandy-Walker Alliance, 1 in 10,000 children are born with DWS. It’s also more likely to affect women than men. Some people don't live past the age of 40.

My malformation and co-existing symptoms are milder than they could have been. I’m one of the lucky ones who won’t need a hydrocephalic shunt, or end up in a wheelchair, but for some, that’s the reality of living with DWS.

The defining trait of Dandy-Walker Syndrome is an abnormality of the cerebellum, forming a cyst at the base of the skull, and complete absence of the cerebellar vermis. In severe cases, increased cerebral fluid is present. Children born with DWS will have delayed development and poor motor control. My hands mirror each of their movements, and I occasionally experience myoclonic jerks.

Another side effect of DWS is epilepsy. I've had a lifetime of headaches, dizziness and seizures. There are 41 different types of seizure, and I can experience any one of them at any given time. So in short, it's sometimes a real chore to get through the day! But in spite of it all, I've managed to live a reasonably normal life.

I turn 30 this year, and I've been thinking a lot more about my future goals, because as I'm sure you know, women face a lot of pressure to have their shit together by the time they turn the big 3-0. I’m a woman who would love to have children, but know that because of my health, it might never happen. Or if it does happen, there’s a significant chance my child could end up with all the same health complications I have. I can’t count the times I’ve kept myself awake at night, sometimes even cried because of it. Sometimes it’s scary having to admit and accept that. However, I'm a big believer in the old adage 'where there's a will, there's a way'. It's gotten me this far, and I don't intend to let anything stop me from living the life I deserve.

If you're reading this and you have a rare chronic illness or disability - or any disorder - I hope you take a little time today to remind yourself of how unique and wonderful you are. Take pride in being perfectly imperfect.

You are seen, you are loved, and you are stronger than you believe.

[laundrybiscuits]

15 questions

thanks @greenlikethesea for tagging me! I just got back from Dykes On Mics, the London queer karaoke event of my heart, so I'm a little buzzed and as usual I'm not gonna tag anyone because I'm a bad person. just abjectly morally bankrupt, violating the tumblr social code with abandon.

are you named after anyone?

my parents are pretty religious, so my english name is from the old testament, but culturally my people don't really do the named-after-specific-individuals thing.

2. when was the last time you cried?

hmm I don't remember? I don't really cry that often, which is probably not the MOST healthy but oh well. I gotta be me! i.e. a deeply repressed individual.

3. do you have kids?

nope! I like kids and have a fair bit of experience taking care of them, I've just never felt that particular urge to become a parent myself.

4. do you use sarcasm a lot?

my sense of humor's pretty dry by default, but I think having a lot of friends from different cultural contexts has trained me out of using sarcasm too much. It's just one of those things that doesn't always translate super well.

5. what sports do you play/have you played?

unsurprisingly I'm not really a team sports person. in the past I've done a couple different forms of martial arts, fencing, a tiny bit of archery, ballroom dancing…I think that's it? an old friend of mine is running a stage combat workshop in the fall and I'm kinda thinking about getting into that.

6. what’s the first thing you notice about people?

this is gonna sound weird but stick with me: their character design. I just tend to notice stuff that seems like people making a deliberate choice about how they present themselves to the world, whether they seem to be going for a fully coordinated look or just have some pins on a bag. and sometimes you can really tell that people were like, okay, this is what I'm working with physically so I'm gonna fully lean into it. I appreciate that!

7. what’s your eye colour?

super dark brown. close enough to black that sometimes I think I look like a cartoon character.

8. scary movies or happy endings?

happy endings FOR SURE. some of my favourite books and audiodramas are horror, but when it comes to movies, I'm gonna need to be gently cradled in the tender narrative assurance of a happy ending.

9. any special talents?

hah, I literally just had an argument with some friends about whether I have special talents. technically I do music? I mean, ten years of classical piano lessons, five years of classical flute lessons, a hell of a lot of fucking around on guitar, some bass*, some choir, and the bit in purify our misfit ways where eddie gets pulled into percussion because he can read music is literally a thing from my life. that kind of makes me sound like a much better musician than I am, though; I promise I'm not actually that good, and that's not me being modest. I'm genuinely a bit mediocre, and pretty happy about where I'm at.

also, I live & work & volunteer in some pretty heavily tourist-y areas, so I'm actually pretty good at cutting through large crowds of vaguely confused people. that's a special talent that I will gladly own.

10. where were you born?

a swing state in the midwest USA. there were cornfields. I used to can my own tomatoes. my childhood friends regularly had white-tailed deer strung up in their barns.

11. what are your hobbies?

oooof so, so many. I play a lot of indie video games? music, obviously. I go to a lot of live theatre, like an average of 2 shows per week. I'm a regular at my local board game cafe. I've done a fair bit of arts & crafts. I am not currently running any TTRPGs but that's normally a fair chunk of my time. when I lived in the US I would do a lot of weekend hiking trips to national parks. I dunno, I do a lot of stuff.

eta: forgot it probably also counts that I volunteer as a public-facing science educator! I've been doing that for more than a decade with various institutions, usually a couple days per month.

12. do you have pets?

technically yes, functionally no. my mother kidnapped my cat almost ten years ago when I moved to new zealand, and refuses to give her back because it would be "too traumatic for the cat to move" but continues to refer to her as my cat. like, "your cat now eats at the dinner table with us." (the cat did not make that decision. my mother made that decision.)

I thought about getting a corn snake about four or five years ago, because I was working with them at a nature center at the time and I think they're pretty great. they also seem relatively easy to care for, and I had access to the local herp society, so I was pretty confident about my snake-keeping abilities. but then I moved to england, so.

13. how tall are you?

5'2" last I checked. yes I'm short af. yes concerts are hell.

14. favourite subject at school?

weirdly, I was pretty good at math and I liked it a lot. but when I got to undergrad, I discovered that STEM has like a whole separate GPA scale/norm, and I wanted to go to grad school for social science so I had to make a choice. in retrospect I probably could've handled a couple Bs or Cs, but it really didn't feel like that at the time.

15. dream job?

I don't believe in dream jobs, as a general rule. I've worked creative jobs, I've worked cause-based jobs, and I just don't think there's such a thing as a perfect gig. we're all just surviving capitalism, man.

*so my best friend in undergrad was dating a bassist in an indie band, and the bassist gave her old bass to him when she got a better one, and then they broke up. and that's how I got a bass to fuck around with.

[slickshoesareyoucrazy]

Happy Every Day

So I'm here at the cemetery, and there's finally some straw down over what I really hope is grass seed over your grave. Your stone's lined up correctly now. And there's a vase. No flowers in it, but still. Maybe I'll bring some flowers again sometime now that there's a proper place to put them. Where it's clear they're YOURS. And there's an extra hole drilled in your stone beside the vase for my cup I brought last time that's holding all the rocks I've brought so far. I wasn't expecting that. But I'm glad it's there. Everything I've brought you so far is still there. And there's like...an official space for more rocks. Someone's been here and made a space for that. I don't know who or why, but I'm glad it happened.

Anyway, I brought you more rocks today. Little ones, but they're pretty. And they're for you. You know S went to your funeral with me, because she already had the day off work and J couldn't burn a day because he's saving them all up for Europe in a week and his bike trip this year. And then she ghosted on me. Of course. You have shown up for me more dead...as a literal ghost...in the past 3-4 months than she has, living (for real, in the 'corporeal' sense...your goofy word) 15 minutes from me. But before she disappeared, she sent me perfumed soaps and bubble bath and shit to the house right after Christmas (does she know me at all?...don't answer that, wiseass). And with this assortment of shit I never have wanted or used came this little packet of rocks that her hippy friend who makes the soaps deemed magical in some sort of way to make me 'Happy Every Day.' (Again...like...my best friend fucking died, you attended his funeral with me, and your response to my grief was to send me fancy soap and magical rocks for me to be Happy Every Day? Um...juuuuust a bit outside.) I remember thinking ok...I can use the soap and shit even though it's not my thing but what the fuck am I supposed to do with this bag of rocks?

Well, man, I brought them to you. God damn, I miss you terribly badly still every day. I cried a lot yesterday when the locket came and J helped me fashion the new version of the necklace I'm gonna wear every day...like...the snotty ugly kind of crying. I'm crying now standing here, happy and gratefully relieved someone else cares to come and there will be some goddam grass the next time I come, after Europe. I plan to bring you a rock or two from Europe. Definitely Ireland. Probably Paris. Hopefully London too since I keep getting that 'walks in London you can't miss' book into my hands at work. The Boy has his best friend over right now. He's gonna mow our grass for us while we're away. So I'm headed home, but because this is basically how I talk to you now...I have to share that one row above you and about 5 graves to the left, someone set out a six pack of Miller Lites. I'm gonna stick with rocks and the occasional flowers but 😂❤️😂❤️😂.

Anyway, I hope you like my necklace. I'm glad you seem more settled and safer this time. I'm strangely honored there's a permanent place for my rock pile. 🥹❤️ Those specific rocks did not succeed in making me happy every day. And I'm crying and I still hate that 'going to see/hang out with my best friend' means coming to the cemetery, but you know...I am pretty much happy every day. I cry a lot and I fucking miss you, but I am happy when I come here. To see you and hang out. I love you. See you in a few weeks. With foreign rocks. ❤️❤️❤️❤️

[struggle-but-its-all-ocean-floor]

Move over Jiminchwita, Rchwita is now my favorite episode. Where to start...

"Let's not talk about the past." Yoongi, that's all you did!

"Chapter 2 isn't so bad." (re: JK's CK campaign) LMAO. RM always knows what we think.

Jungkook is a total pop star, Yoongi, I agree.

Suga had to immediately mention Jimin after RM talked about JK lmao. Two things: a) Jikook are always mentioned together, and b) Suga lives to tease Jimin, Jimin lives on Suga's mind rent free.

"Did Butter do better than Dynamite?" "Don't say weird things when I'm wrapping up" lmao. Did Suga forget they already ate from their 1B streams Dynamite plaque? RM was like "In what world did Butter do better than Dynamite, hyung? It's Dynamite."

"3 what? 3 shows?" LMAO. RM was so shocked. Suga is really going all out.

I love that Suga is so much more optimistic now. RM said he's changed and that it used to be hard to talk to him when he felt down because talking to him just made it worse. Unsure how that made him an annoying ex-girlfriend though lmao. But I noticed it too, that Suga seems so much more relaxed, excited, and social these days. RM seems more relaxed too, like Suga said.

I cried a bit when they started talking about the 7 of them. Suga's dream is just to be with BTS for a long time. And he wants to travel with BTS next! Pls, I miss Bon Voyage so bad. That montage that ended with BTS saying "I purple you" was so sweet. Pls, keep going until your knees are wobbly and you have to perform seated lmao.

That break for commercial was so funny. The way RM's voice changed while he transitioned to his skit haha. They're so funny. They sprayed the vegan mist so much I wonder if they liked the smell because it must've stank in there.

RM said he was grateful to Yoongi for touring because he was representing BTS and encouraging the fans to wait for them...

Suga really is so ambitious, but he's kind of lowkey about it. He's so low energy that we underestimate how passionate he is. I knew he was a workaholic but I thought he worked because he couldn't not work rather than because he had something in specific he wanted to accomplish. I guess he's both. And Jimin is number 2 on the official ranking of BTS members by their workaholic tendencies.

I thought it was interesting that Suga separated Prod. Suga, Suga of BTS and Agust D, since we make that division but Suga had only ever publicly separated Suga from Agust D and Min Yoongi. And it's interesting that Suga said for D-Day he had to bridge the gap between Suga and Agust D. So, he is aware that the album is more Suga than Agust D, and that was on purpose. I disagree that the album is more Suga after People Pt. 2 though. I get his point, but I don't see Agust D in D-Day and Huh?!. Those songs are trendy in a way Agust D never was. Same with the Amygdala chorus. Also, lyrically, his songs are more like Agust D after People Pt. 2, except for Amygdala, but only the verses, not the chorus. Imo obviously.

Getting IV drips is so fucking normal in SK (for people with money probably). I've never heard anyone get that by choice where I live.

He took full charge of the album, the tour, the production, and he did great.

Imagine the company hearing he wanted them to pick the most remote place they could find. They were probably like "Is he for real or is he having a breakdown?" 2 hours away from Seoul isn't that remote though haha.

D-Day was supposed to come out earlier! I think we assumed that it was postponed because of Jimin's album but Suga postponed it himself.

I liked it when RM asked Suga where he could go if he could travel back in time and Suga said to when he was 18 years old. He gave the same answer same as Lee Sungmin. They really vibed. RM was immediately like "Oh, were's so different" haha, that was so cute. And when he asked Suga about his dreams he excitedly offered up his answer though he was the host. Suga called him out on it lmao.

There are so many other cute or interesting moments I missed. I'll just say, lastly, that RM was a great host. He was so funny and his and Suga's bickering was so cute and funny. RM was excited about the episode being called R-chwita haha.

[valcuda]

- Picnic With Big Sis

Jasmin taking Quinton and Elizabeth out for a picnic. Like my previous work, this is a scene from a short story I have planned (I have 3 full books that come before it, and only 1 has a competed draft, so don't expect it any time soon), with this one taking place a bit prior to that one, with Jasmin taking Quin and Liz to the place they'll eventually cloud gaze at.

Also like that one, I made a 3D scene as a pose draft, with that picnic basket actually being a 3D model I made and rigged specifically for this! This gave a bit of difficulty, since Jasmin's Mannequin's hand, was blocking part of the basket that's visible in the final artwork!

When I was originally planning the scene, I thought about just having Jasmin doing nothing with her hand, until I decided to make her holding the lid open, so Quin and Liz could see. I didn't consider the fact I was now making the hand a focal point of the artwork! And when I did realize that, I nearly cried, cause I absolutely suck at drawing hands! But using a mashup of knowledge I've heard over the years, and some good guesses, I managed to make the best hand I think I've ever drawn!

And holly crap am I glad I decided to draw it! The sense of scale you get from seeing Quinton and Elizabeth that close to her hand, it really puts into perspective how small they are! I also think it's cute, having her holding the basket open for them, and it shows you a bit of a difference between Quinton and Elizabeth! Quinton trusts Jasmin, so he's fine just sticking his head out, trusting Jasmin won't accidentally smack his head with the lid. Elizabeth however, is a bit more cautious, not really trusting people as much as Quinton does, so she has her hand on the lid in case Jasmin lets go.

Something you'll probably notice is that Quinton and Elizabeth are seemingly frowning. They were smiling originally, but I thought giving them a mild frown makes them look more curious, which I thought was cuter, compared to them smiling. Though it kinda looks like they just realized Jasmin tricked them.

Anyways, I decided to not finish this in my painting style, since that was meant as more of a crutch originally. With v2 of Cloud Gazing, I said I was debating making it's line draft into it's own piece, just due to how good it looked, and that was kinda thanks to the "Painting Style" leaving out a ton of detail. So with this, I decided to finish it in my usual style. However, I did the shading differently, using a digital paintbrush, and doing it all on one layer. Usually, I plan out the shades, do them all on their own layers, combine them, and blend, which is really slow! This new method was a lot faster, and it worked wonders on Quinton and Elizabeth! It definitely has its flaws tho. I might end up revising this sometime down the line.

Something incredibly ironic, is that I have yet to shade Elizabeth's actual artwork! Meaning she got shaded in some misc artwork, before her actual artwork. Past me would be so dumbfounded if he knew.

Anyways, I don't know exactly how long I worked on this for, but I can definitely say it took longer than Cloud Gazing! I wanted so badly to finish this yesterday, that I stayed up til 3AM, doing the final linework, which is why it's a bit sloppy in some parts! This is despite me having post saying it wouldn't release that day, at 10 PM.

Hell, I wanted to release it so bad, I made 80% of this post last night, cause I was seriously considering uploading the non-shaded version! I'm so glad I didn't tho. It doesn't look bad unshaded, but the shading ties it together IMO.

-

Anyway, I don't know when my next artwork will be, or what it'll be about, since I'm a bit burnt out from this sudden art rush XD I pushed the limits of what I thought I could do, and while that is thanks to making a simple 3D as an initial draft, it still feels absolutely amazing! I definitely still need quite a bit of practice though.

Anyways, that's all for now!

[dear3st-dead-diary]

Dearest Dead Diary~

Today is my day off work, I got a job through a series of odd events.

While on my cocain and amphetamines bender I slept with an acquaintance of mine to "lose his virginity" and I have little to no recollection of that other than having a three way and dragging him into it.

Fast forward 2 months, that person because a friend of my roomates and thier friend group and now has hired me full-time at his company.

The work is interesting but back breaking and I've gained more muscle in 6 days than I have in the last 6 years going to the gym.

I'm slowly paying off my credit card although I keep having to use it because minor emergencies and inconveniences keep arising. So thats.. life I guess but damn.

Regardless, the job is high paying and I'm slowly getting better at it, I van officially say I work a job that's 100 times more dangerous than being a cop. (Acab lmao.)

I'm working with machinery I never even knew existed, like damn there be some specific ass machines in this world.

However, I keep sleeping with my boss. The money is good. Insanly good. And I need this job, I've never bled, sweat, nor cried so much on a job site in my life it is equally rewarding as it is back-breaking taxing.

Update: it's been a few days

I'm in a hotel, I keep having nightmares and I woke uo with the sheets of the hotel bed completely torn off and the blankets and bedding everywhere, I think I was tossing and turning. I don't know what these nightmares are, I can't remeber them but when I wake up I'm shaking and my heart is pounding.

I'm supposed to work today but, it's snowing so... I'm not quite sure, I'm currently sharing a big ass bed with my boss and I'm not gonna wake him up lmao. He's been getting on my case for "sleeping in" so.. it's my turn to wake up early and watch him panic.

Also this hotel is the NICEST hotel I've stayed in and it's only 3 stars??? It's so modern and you can tip the staff with a qr code, also the rooms feel more like a modern collage dork than a hotel so thats wild. This place was built last year so it's pretty damn new.

I've stayed in 5 star hotels before but this takes the cake. Also the t.v.s in here are 60 inches so.. hell yeah?!

I've been thinking if I should breakup with my boyfriends. I don't know why, I just.. feel like I need to start fresh, my libido has been low these past 2 weeks and I don't know why but I just... I feel like I need a clean slate. Both of my boyfriends love me.. but I genuinely can't feel it. I barely feel as it is and love is one of those emotions for me that.. doesn't full up right away.

I have a disorder where my emotions are low. I have morals and what ever but it's only learned from examples. I'm on the spectrum of just having low emotions in general, everything I feel is usually on suck a small scale.

But I still feel, it's just in small amounts, that has caused problems my entire life, but I'm good with people, I'm one of the few people who can say I actually love people, I enjoy socializing with people most days, I find people fascinating. I do earnestly like meeting new people. I think that's why I'm usually on the invite list for parties and events.

I said it was snowing but scratch that, it's a blizzard now. The company slogan says something about working through snow but in these conditions? I don't know if I'm gonna work today :(

I haven't talked to my dad in a couple of weeks, only a few texts here and there, apparently the lead signer of his band died. I never met her but she had a wicked voice and a really nice personality. I knew she was battling cancer. I hope she's somewhere nice.

I'm attracted to men, I'm terrified to date women, I'd rather date people who are bi or pan because I've had issues with the "do you ever wish I was a man/woman?" Questions to the point that it just gives me the ick.

I've only dated women who were older than me, I've never been able to relate to women my age until recently, I guess lockdown really put my generation on the same page. Thats advice I'm going to pass on to my siblings and younger friends, if you find it hard to relate to your peers, wait a bit, eventually everyone grows up. And some more than others, you never know who you'll he on the same page with years from now.

I've dated men younger than me by a few years, I've dated men older than me by decades. When I was 22 my boyfriend was 40. He's rolling I'm cash from his boyfriend who pays his 4000$ mortgage. Him and I are still friends.

I got back together with my ex who's 2 years younger than me. We dated for over a year and broke up for 9 months. In the spur of the moment I got back together with him but, I don't know if I love him truly, I don't know what thats spossed to feel or even look like, I used to model love after my parents but those fuckers split last year so it was all just fake lmao.

It's weird having your parents split as an adult while not living with them. They used to break up and get back together a lot when I was a kid, but they are like.. OVER over B-R-O-K-E-N broken UP. Like they don't share an address and are technically committing marriage fraud for insurance purposes broken up.

Anyhow. I was single mainly because live just felt like the fakest fucking front a person can do. Looking back that's the dumbest line of thought to think but in those moments when I was single and my parents split after decades of a front marriage. I really believed it.

My one boyfriend lives 4 hours away and the other is in the same city. I love them both, they love me, but I can't tell if it's real, in the literal sence. Like what if it's just been fake this whole time? I don't know. Is it worth it to break it off? I've been dating one on and off for 2 ½ years and the other one for almost a year.

I don't know. Maybe it's just... I don't know. I want a relationship that just feels unexpected, that's not predictable, something that feels unlikely and random. But that's just a fairy tale.

I see people who fit the ideals for a partner but they're taken, which is fine, good for them, I value the friendship I've worked hard to build with those people more than anything. I don't want to meet anyone on tinder or a hookup app, atkeast not romantically. I kinda just wanna bump into someone and we hit it off. I think my life is becoming more stable enough that if I bumped into someone and gave them my number I'd actually be able to follow through with plans to meet up and go for lunch.

Never thought I'd be able to say my life is "stable enough" but I guess things really do shift majorly the older you get. Anyhow, I'm thinking of touring collages and going back to school, or just taking the entrance exam but for the career paths I want to take I think I need to go back to school to upgrade.

Plus I'd need good enough credit for student loans and I'd need a working vehicle to take my practicum. I'm thinking of working as a mortician, or something like that. I've been medicated for a month now and this is the most ration and clear headed I've been in my life, although I'm still making "dumb" decisions but to be fair, with full intentions and a clear head.

I had a bad trip on shrooms a few days ago but it wasn't the worse I've experienced, and I'm still sane afterwards lmao. Considering I'm back at work and actually doing well enough that I might get a raise soon. But all things said I have no regrets, and I'd do it all over again. Maybe that's naivety or maybe that's my ego, but I don't want to regret anything I've done. I don't feel guilt nor remorse as strongly as the average person, if even at all, however, regret is something I refuse to live with. The standard "I could've done x-y-z. Better but whats done is done" brings me more peace thab to say I regret something. I think thats a quality I like about myself, with no regrets I make mistakes to learn and grow, and all I can do is what I think is the best thing to do for myself in the moment, even if it's temporary satisfaction.

I'm working on myself to make less long lasting mistakes *like doing a disservice to my friendships* and more miniscule short term oopsies. Like *taking shrooms on a whim that I know regardless of the trip I'd be fine to Handle*. And knowing my limits.

This year has been wild but it really took a 180 when I got medicated. I'm happy to say now, I feel rational and capable of taking control of my own life. I know this reads as contradictory but in hindsight I believe this is good, if I don't contradict myself I'm not growing. If I don't have regrets, I don't fear making mistakes, if I don't fear mistakes I'm not afraid to learn. And if I'm not afraid to learn, I grow and change.

Will I grow and change alone? Is it better for me to do so? I don't think that question is black and white. I think that question has 10 yesses and 10 no's and 11 maybes and 14 perhaps while endlessly answering itself to better suit whatever temporary gratification is needed in each moment of its application.

Anyways, my boss is awake and I need breakfast. The longer I write this the more I hate it.

Your mentally unstable

(And masking it)

- A

[servin-up-surveys]

survey #128

Who was your first big crush? *Big* crush... I wanna say Sebastian? He was DEFINITELY my first "real" crush, but I'm not entirely sure if it reached the point of being "big," I really can't recall. If it wasn't him, it was DEFINITELY Jason.

Name someone you know who drives a green car: I don't believe I know anyone who does.

When was the last time someone drunk dialed/texted/left a voicemail? No one's ever done that, I think.

Has anyone ever told you that you talk in your sleep? More like scream. ALTHOUGH, my nightmares have gotten A LOT better lately; I haven't really been having them for maybe two-ish months, save for maybe an instance or two I don't remember. I have absolutely zero idea why they've suddenly fucked off after so many years of them just being normal and regular for me, but I will ABSOLUTELY take it.

Where did you last go out to eat at? Actually we were at Applebee's for dinner last night, because that's where Herb wanted to go. Mom and I aren't really fans/never go there otherwise, BUT the fries were actually really good.

Was your last breakup a bad one? No, honestly. Like yeah, it hurt, but whatever Sara and I had was NOT what I thought it was at the time, and I must've subconsciously known that with how quickly I was over it.

What was your favorite board game as a child? Haha dude I actually REALLY liked Mall Madness, even though I hated shopping irl. I don't quite know why I enjoyed it as much as I did. Also worth mentioning are various Cranium games, specifically Balloon Lagoon. Those games were legendary. Ashley's kids have been getting into them in recent times, primarily because Mom gifting them various ones; they have a lot of fun with Hullabaloo especially. By the way, those fuckers got INSANELY expensive, at least the ones from mine and my sisters' childhoods.

When are you going on vacation again? Don't know. I've been thinking for a while now though, IF I finally get a fucking job by this summer (because it's my idea and I wanna take care of it financially), I think I wanna go on a daycation or so with Girt to a hotel by the beach and just watch movies and play games together, stay there for a night. Neither of us actually like the beach itself, but I LOVE staying in hotels and seeing the view, at least. We really don't have "us" time enough or really go out much, and I think it'd be really good for both of us.

Who did you last have an alcoholic drink with? Sara. Or maybe Mom? Idk.

Who was the last person you were under the covers with? Girt. He didn't stay the night, but even when he doesn't he tries to stay with me until I fall asleep.

Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes? Yeah.

Name something great that happened today? My mom DIDN'T get fucking killed in a car crash very nearly caused by her technical stepfather who should in NO universe be on the road.

How many different people of the opposite sex have you really cried over? Two. Well, romantically anyway; I've definitely cried over my dad when he left. Hated his guts for years.

When was the last time you saw your father? Lol nice timing. Uh, I wanna say Emerson's bday party in February. Pretty sure.

Do you tend to make relationships complicated? I definitely don't think so.

Have you ever met any bands/band members before? in absolutely tragic news, no.

Who does most of the chores in your house? My mom.

Do you have an ensuite bathroom? Mom's bedroom does.

Have you ever been to a chiropractor? Did you like it? No, hopefully it stays that way.

Do you know how to set a formal table setting for a 3+ course dinner? No, and I absolutely could not give less of a shit. Just eat your food while keeping your surroundings clean, this "formal setting" shit is so unnecessary.

Are you in a good mood today? I have been SO up and down, idk man. I've been way more irritated than I am on a normal day, and at literally nothing.

Have you bought a bag of potato chips in the past week? No.

Do you know anyone who’s struggling with addiction? Yes. And people who have died because of it.

Did you ever go to daycare as a kid? For what I'm pretty sure I remember being a SINGLE day. One employee spanked me simply for going into the wrong room (I had no idea I wasn't supposed to go in there) and were just generally mean and super rude; I VERY barely remember the details, but I recall enough that I was extremely upset. The only thing I do remember other than that other detail is some woman holding me while I sobbed my heart out until Mom came in. She left fucking furious and I never went there again; I'm pretty sure this is when our neighbors started watching me and my sisters.

When you go to a restaurant, do you prefer to sit at a booth or a table? Absolutely booth.

Has your car ever been broken into? I've never had my own car, but I'm quite positive no family car ever has been.

How old is your oldest cousin? Hell if I know.

Who was the last person you congratulated or said “well done” to? What for? My acquaintance I used to kinda regularly take pictures for, Bethany; she had her daughter yeeeesterday I think, all the while having the flu. She'd felt like death prior, so her induction date was delayed, but the baby said Nope and was suddenly here lmfao

What was the last show you watched an episode of? Dark.

^And which character in that show do you relate to, or identify with most? MAN IDK everyone in this fuckin show cheats and lies and there's also a GINORMOUS character cast that I very barely keep track of (I would be lost in this show without Girt, like it's just too complicated for me alone), I'm not even TRYING to mentally go through everyone. I'm super into it, don't get me wrong, it's just absolutely absurd how complex and tightly knotted its plot is.

Do you have any medical appointments coming up anytime soon? I constantly do, I'ma be real. I know I'm getting labs done on Monday, then I'll be seeing the endocrinologist when those results come in. Therapy should be coming up soon, too. I would not be even remotely surprised if there's more within the next two-ish weeks. I also go to PT twice a week, but idk if you count those.

Do you say "I love you" to anyone daily? I know Girt and I do. If Mom ever leaves the house without me, she also says it, but that doesn't happen every day.

Do you know anyone named Vanessa? Tell me a little bit about this person. Yes. The vast majority of the "alt" kids in high school knew her because she was the one very obviously emo African American in our school, and I feel like I remember her being pretty outgoing?

When was the last time you felt unable or unwilling to speak your mind to someone? Today, actually, and I've realized I really need to bring this up in therapy; I plan to next visit. Just lately my mom has been absolutely fucking awful about getting so annoyed about me forgetting various things and also just answering genuine questions I ask her like I'm a complete fucking idiot and it's really affecting me. She's done this forever, but it's just been worse lately, I guess because my memory only ever seems to get worse, but also life has just been busy. It's mostly upsetting me just because I KNOW my ability to remember and also just process information in general changed greatly post-trauma, which is apparently a legit thing, and it makes me feel like total fucking garbage. I already think I'm dumb as shit, I don't need my mother contributing. It's not like I ever choose to forget appointments or where she has to go today etc. etc., but she constantly acts like I'm making a deliberate choice and it's become extremely hurtful by now. I don't want to bring it up outside of therapy because I know what happens when you disagree with my mother or point out something wrong she's doing: she gets defensive as shit and takes it as total disrespect.

Are you more likely to give advice or to ask for it? Ask for it.

Do you like Tootsie Rolls? They've never been a candy I've sought out. I can have like one if it's offered to me and it's whatever, but I don't like them, really.

What is your most expensive bill? I don't pay my own bills yet and it's fucking humiliating by now.

Do you sleep alone or with someone every night? Wish it was the latter, but alone on the vast majority of nights. Girt and I are both really ready to just live together but that fucking housing market though. He's been stressed lately about his mom and her wellbeing falling so unevenly onto him when he has an older sister, and it's completely fair for him to feel like it's just unfair sometimes, because the balance between him and Ashley keeping her afloat does seem alarmingly uneven. I'm not gonna delve deep into his family business here, the gist is just he wants to be able to live like a "real" adult with his own life. I've been more aggressively looking for work than I already was because of all this, I want to be able to help.

What are you favorite kind of chips? Typically hot ones, like hot crunchy Cheetos or Takis. I've actually been craving hot chips TERRIBLY for a lil while now, I want Takis so bad lmao. I also really love Cool Ranch Dorito's.

What color is your mousepad? It's black. Super old, though. I'd actually like to get a new one that I like, but that's very low on my list of priorities.

Has anyone you know been arrested recently? Uh not that I know of.

Where is your favorite person? He's home now, work's over for him for the weekend.

Are there any plants in your house? Mom has a couple, yeah. I think I'd like to get at least one for my room when I redecorate.

Have you seen the entire Harry Potter series? I'm very grateful I never got into that, JK Rowling can rot in hell with all the other TERFs.

Do you still have both of your parents? Yes. I don't see or talk to my dad a lot at all, but he's still there.

Do you enjoy cuddling? If you're Girt and I'm not hot, yes. Once I'm notably hot, I barely want to be touched.

Have you ever had a pregnancy scare? Not one that was even remotely realistic because I was literally a virgin lmao, look when you have a very legitimate pregnancy phobia the dumbest shit will make you scared.

Do you ever suspect your significant other of lying to you? I honestly don't. He's given me every reason to trust him.

Does anyone you know ever recommend books to you? No.

What made you feel cheerful today? Nothing. Really not into how my mood's been today.

[elytrafemme]

ok. ao3 is eating my comments. again. askbox time ^.^ just caught up on CS i literally can’t bear to contain my thoughts lmao, i’m just gonna like. copy paste what i was gonna say here, genuine apologies for the great wall of text friend </3

fgvdhbjvhdcbskm chapter 20. CHAPTER 20 MY BELOVED……. succh a good chapter, the marriage phone call had me giggling so much it was so very sweet, and ohhh my gosh his reflection on marriage and romance after the fact…….. sooo good i always say you are so amazing at in-character narration and writing thought processes and stuff AND the scene where he’s contemplating his gender, it just feels so grounded and natural i feel like i could read entire chapters of just one of your characters thinking with nothing else happening, no stimuli, and i would literally lose my mind go bonkers crazy for it, it’s something i’m so consistently impressed with in ur writing

i wish i could give more constructive commentary on the spiral panic attack after fundy shows up but i honestly thought it was perfect, it drew me in so much i forgot i existed and ended up letting my tea get cold </3 that is such a niche and specific feeling, one that i personally could sort of tangentially relate to (it felt kind of like seeing a family member you haven’t seen in years but the situation is so fucked it’s just Very Feeling), and you portrayed that anxiety and that familiarity sooo well just oughghg……. also fundy immediately switching to the right name was a really nice touch :]

amazing chapter i’m so excited abt being introduced to fundy and to see what your plan is with him….. ‘most tragic relationship in CS’ top ten most hype author's notes i've ever read

onto chapter 21 — tommy is low key my favorite character in CS, the way you write him is so charming and emotionally intelligent and just!!!!!! i appreciate not having his pov sometimes (even though i desperately want to see how you would write his internal monologue) because i love being left to guess a little with him. i really like him being completely ambiguous half the time from ranboos perspective and then seeing him through tubbo, the person who probably knows him best. it’s just. idk where this came from other than like, the fact that he’s in this chapter LMAO, but i think he deserves some appreciation. really love that dude and the way you write him, honestly haven’t seen many better depictions of ctommy, like, ever

okokokok i can never get enough of how personal and sometimes uncomfortably close you get with your characterization, like tubbo noticing his name is written in a different sharpie and him casually contemplating which of his friends he would choose if he had to, it just feels incredibly real and i’m soo glad u don’t shy away from it! also ‘eligible to be homophobic’ made me laugh so hard thank you, the beeduo content this chapter was delectable ,,, tubbo thinking about ranboo’s coping mechanism of helping other people, and then comparing it to big q and schlatt was So Good like okay well what if i cried. what if i screamed and rolled around on the ground like an anguished worm. i have Been There for realsies and i felt the way you wrote that bit was very accurate

the final scene of tubbo and tommy talking was difficult to read (SLASH POS) but relieving in a way bc it’s such a difficult situation, one that i can relate to so i’m just hugely invested in it atm i just want allium duo to be friends again soon :( you’ve done such an amazing job building suspense with dream, having his presence in the narrative hold SO much consequence despite us knowing absolutely nothing about him and having like, two scenes with him. terrified and excited to learn more

thank u for writing and sharing as always, you have made my day more times than you know!! gonna catch up with lungs as well so if ao3 comments don’t pull through, just letting you know to expect another rambly ask today LMAO hope ur doing awesome atm :]

0 WORRIES I HATE WHEN AO3 EATS COMMENTS...

that's so fucking sweet of you genuinely thank you so much, i actually struggle a LOT with writing character thoughts? i guess it doesn't necessarily read that way but that's what i've always seen as one of my weak points, but i learned some tips from a temporary mentor of mine at a writing program i attended as to how to write those kinds of scenes and i think that helped a lot.

the sigh of RELIEF i let out when i noticed that people generally seemed to like the fundy reveal scene could have been heard in the fucking stratosphere, that scene was a pain in the ass to write but so fucking worth it. also yes :] initially i had written fundy struggling still with the name but i kind of thought about it and figured that while this whole situation is very shocking to him i do think that he's perceptive enough to make that change in the moment even if he can't reconcile the rest of ranboo yet.

MHM MHM... they make me tear up a little. very excited for you all to see.

ough i am SO glad people love cs!tommy because he's genuinely just my little guy. i love him to death, i actually do have some plans for a post-cough syrup set of oneshots and one of those has at least part of it written in his POV which will be fun, but i do like writing from external perspectives! i think it's interesting to see how unreliable people can be with their narration of him in all facets and how much he vocalizes-- were he a character that didn't vocalize his emotions nearly as much i think writing him from unreliable perspectives would have been kind of hard to manage, but, yeah! i try really hard to make sure his dialogue is perfect though because i do want his fuck ups to be clear even when it's not showing his intent, y'know? also your last comment there... <3 <3 <3 that means the world friend thank you

really really happy you like my characterization (plus im SO glad you noticed the sharpie thing i was unreasonably proud of that!) and also like. i think one of the most fascinating things about experiencing and writing generational trauma if i were to emotionally disconnect myself from the experience is the fact that it's very easy to slip into comparisons. for example, i am my father's son and the granddaughter of the iraqi painter i never met. and there's a lot held in those relations. i try to bring that back with tubbo because yes he's himself, but he's also the child of the parents he never knew beyond their greatest mistakes, and he's the descendent of alcoholics, etc. like it's very complicated and i think it's easy for him with that context to try and affiliate ranboo into all that, too-- whereas ranboo has so little family connection that he doesn't have much to compare to.

so happy you liked that scene as well <33

YOU HAVE MADE MY DAY A MILLION TIMES OVER I HOPE YOU REALIZE LIKE!!! you make me so happy to see your comments your art your asks your posts your presence your everything, thank you so much <333 much much much appreciation thank you

[sillyrabbit81]

Her Heavy Cross

Summary: Three years after tragedy hits, Lana she decides to start dating again. She meets Will through a dating app and they begin an online romance. After months of constant requests, Lana relents and agrees to meet and go on an irl date with Will. But is Will who he says he is? Lana is quickly pulled into an intense relationship forcing her to confront her tragic past. Will Lana face it or will she close her heart forever?

Pairing: OMC x OFC

Word Count: Approx 2.5k

Warnings: Swearing, smut, spanking, Dom vibes.

Authors Note: The story started as a Henry Cavill fanfiction but I changed it to be an original character, but shades of Henry are still there. Hope you enjoy the story and thanks for reading.

Part 8 Part 10

Part 9

We went to bed not long after that. I think we were both tired from staying up late the night before. Liam went to bed in his underwear, and I wore a singlet and PJ shorts. We talked some more before we fell asleep.

I asked Liam a bit more about his work. He told me the next two weeks were costume fitting, rehearsals, fight training and a few media events. "It's more of a nine to five thing at the moment. It'll be different after Easter when filming starts."

"How is it different?"

"Really long hours, usually fourteen to sixteen hours. There are a few weeks where I'm not needed, though. Although I'm the male lead, the female role is the central one."

"Who is the actress?"

"Myra Roberts."

"Oh, she's Australian."

"Yeah, most of the cast is Australian. I'm the ring in. I'm for, and I'm quoting here, international appeal and name recognition."

Liam asked me about my job. "I told you most of it before," I replied.

"You told me what you did, but you didn't tell me about it."

I told him about my work in a mainstream school support classroom. Most of the kids have cerebral palsy and intellectual disabilities. The classes are small. I was teaching a combined year 3 and 4 class.

Without mentioning specifics or names, I told him some funny stories about the kids, some of the challenges they faced. Some of the feel-good moments when they finally achieved goals they were working towards. Some of the goals were as simple as being able to feed themselves or to write more than a few lines without tiring.

I opened up and told him about the girl who passed away from aspiration pneumonia the first year I was teaching full time. She was in a wheelchair and had a genetic disorder that required ventilation at night. I smiled as I talked about her. I wasn't surprised when a tear rolled down my cheek.

"It's tough, but I love it. I like knowing that the kids get to have a real school experience, be part of the whole school community. They go on excursions, go to assembly, play at lunchtime with the other kids and its good that the mainstream kids grow up with people with disabilities around them. They get to be kids, not hidden away from the world like they were in the past."

Liam wiped my tear away with his thumb. He asked tenderly, "why do you do it?"

"Why do you act?" I asked rhetorically. "It's a calling, a passion, I guess. It's like nine days out of 10, I go home from school happy. Feeling like I've achieved something and feeling like I've supported eight kids to achieve their own small victories. It makes me feel satisfied that I'm doing good in the world. You know, adding something positive."

"That's really beautiful," Liam said. Then he laughed, "It makes what I do feel ridiculous. All I do is play make-believe all day."

"You help people too; you make us feel things. You show us truth and beauty. Give us hope when we feel hopeless. Laughter when we are sad. Make us inspired instead of apathetic. It's no small thing. Our scale is different, that's all. You can effect millions of people for a short time. I aim to effect maybe a hundred people over my career for the rest of their lives. Both are noble causes that will help to leave the world in a better place than when we found it."

"Did I say that you were intelligent earlier?" Liam asked. I shook my head. "I should have."

"Is that more important than being an excellent shag?"

"I don't know about that." Liam laughed, "But I know I like it."

Not long after that, we fell asleep.

When I woke up the next morning, I was trapped by Liam's heavy arm over me, and his hand was cupping one of my breasts. He was still asleep. His breathing was long and deep with a soft snore. I didn't want to disturb him, but my bladder wouldn't wait.

I tried to lift his arm off me and climb out from underneath him, but he pulled me closer. I could feel his morning erection against my bum. As much as I wanted to snuggle into it, I couldn't wait. I lifted his arm again, and I was able to sneak out.

I went to the bathroom. I brushed my teeth and washed my face. Then hopped back into bed. I looked at Liam while he slept. I brushed his hair off his forehead. His dark hair was so thick and soft. He had a few lines on his forehead that just seemed to make him appear more manly. His eyelashes seemed even longer as they laid against his cheeks. Up close, I could see a few faded freckles scattered across his cheeks and nose.

I traced my finger down his nose. He had a slight bump on the bridge. Somehow it didn't make him less attractive. His lips were so kissable, and I couldn't resist touching them either. I ran my fingertip down further, tracing his lips and then down to his dimpled chin. Liam opened his eyes and nearly made me shit myself when he growled and tried to bite my finger.

"Cunt!" I cried in shock, pulling my finger away.

Liam's face took on his own look of shock at my language. Then he laughed and tried to kiss me. I turned my head.

"Nuh-uh. You scared me half to death. How long have you bloody been awake for?"

"A while." He admitted, still smiling. My heart was racing, so I gave him a look exaggerating my anger. "Come on, Sweetheart. That was funny."

"Don't Sweetheart me. Here I was, innocently laying in bed thinking about how gorgeous you are. Meanwhile, you're laying there thinking wouldn't it be funny if I scared the shit out of her." I was trying not to smile, but I'm sure he could tell I wasn't really mad.

"You called me a cunt, though, so I guess we are even."

"That's a term of endearment in Australia." I grinned widely.

"Really?" Liam raised his eyebrows, looking dubious.

"Yeah, for sure. You'd say something like 'Oi mate! You're a sick cunt'." I was enjoying this.

"Which means?"

"Hey, friend! You're a good person, and I like you."

"I'll stick to calling you Sweetheart if that's ok?"

"Alright, cunt."

"Just bring your bum over here so I can fuck your cunt," Liam said, reaching for me.

My stomach flipped, and I felt myself getting aroused. Liam manhandled me onto my stomach and climbed on top of me. His bare hairy chest tickled my shoulders. I could feel him hard, thick and ready against me.

"Let's see if your tight little cunt is ready for me." Liam forced his hand down the front of my shorts. His fingers found their way to my centre, and I moaned as his fingers easily slid between my folds, my desire evident by how wet I was. He slipped a finger into me and my muscles clenched around it.

Too quickly, he removed his hand. Liam's wet fingers made their way to my mouth. "Open up, Sweetheart. Taste how much you want me." My lips parted for him, and he shoved his finger in. I closed my mouth around it, and my tongue lapped the sweet taste of my arousal.

Liam withdrew his finger, and his weight lifted off my back. I turned my head to see what he was doing and saw the condom in his hands. I continued to look over my shoulder as Liam dragged his underwear down, leaving them on his thighs. He held himself at the base and used the other to apply the condom. I watched in fascination as Liam rolled the condom down his shaft, his head was down, and his shoulders were hunched over the task. I really wanted to watch him masturbate one day.

When he was finished, he grabbed my hips and wrenched me up by them until I was on my knees. My head was still on the bed, and I was forced to look away by the new position. My shorts were pulled down my thighs. There was nothing gentle about Liam this morning. Then I panicked, realising how on display I would be. I tried to lay back down, but his firm hands gripped my hips, keeping me in position.

"Don't move," Liam ordered roughly. His hands moved from my hips, and he ran his hand over the curve of my bottom. "You should see yourself from this angle, Sweetheart."

He pressed his hand against my slit and put two fingers straight in. I jumped in surprise, pulling away as his thick fingers stretched me. I felt a sting on my arse cheek, and I flinched in pain.

"I told you not to move. Move again, and you'll get another one." Liam's voice was stern. He rubbed the spot he had just spanked, soothing it.

I waited, not moving, for what seemed like an eternity. The anticipation was killing me. I wanted to move, to tell Liam to stop, but I also wanted to scream at him to hurry up. I needed him inside me. Then I felt the tip of his cock rub against my wet opening, sliding smoothly up and down. Every time it grazed my clit, my anticipation built.

"Please," I murmured.

"Please what? Tell me what you want."

I licked my lips. "I want your cock."

I heard Liam inhale through his teeth. "I'm not going to be gentle."

"I don't care."

I felt Liam position himself at my entrance, and it was all the warning I had. Suddenly he was in me all the way. "Fuck," I cried out in relief and pain.

Liam didn't wait for me to adjust to his size. He started ramming into me like a piston. His hands were back on my hips, pulling me onto him with each thrust. The slap of our bodies meeting was so loud it was nearly all I could hear.

Grabbing my shoulder, Liam lifted me on my knees until our bodies were flush. He grabbed my head and turned it to the side. His lips met mine, and he forced his tongue into my mouth. His kiss devoured me, consuming me completely. His other hand lifted my singlet, freeing my breasts, and he kneaded one roughly before he found my nipple. He gripped me and pinched hard, but I barely felt it. My body reacted to the pain as though it was a pleasure, and electricity seemed to flow through my veins as my whole body felt ablaze.

Liam wrapped his fingers around my neck. The pressure was only slight, but it felt dangerous. He was so strong. If he wanted to destroy me, he could, and there would be nothing I could do about it. Instead of terrifying me, the thought thrilled me. I knew it was insane, wanting to play at the edge, confusing fear and arousal, but the combination was intoxicating.

He broke our kiss. I felt his lips tickle at my ear, and his voice was husky with exertion. "You fucking love this, don't you?"

"Yes," I panted. My voice was ragged and breathy. "Yes, I fucking love it."

I was thrown down on the bed again. My arse still in the air, and my head was pushed down into the bed. Liam held me that way while he unrelentingly pounded me. I felt like a plaything, a toy for his pleasure, as he threw me around where he wanted me. I felt helpless, but I didn't fight him. I submitted to his desires, knowing my body gave him pleasure was its own reward. I let him use me, dominate me, own me, and I knew I would beg for it to happen again and again.

He wasn't completely selfish though, his other hand found my clit, fingers moving over it in rapid little circles. "I need you to cum, Lana. I need to feel you cum."

He played with me varying his speed and firmness. He seemed to understand my body, my moans, my breathing because quickly, he found the rhythm I needed. I shattered beneath his touch. I shouted into the sheets as my release ripped through me. Liam didn't stop rubbing me until I was still.

Giving me no time to recover, Liam continued to rail me, but now he seemed to move impossibly fast. His fingers were digging into my hips, rocking them violently against his thrusts. I felt him engorge, and I braced myself for his release.

"Fuck!" Liam's voice thundered as I felt him pulse inside me. He held my hips still, his movements controlling his orgasm now. He grunted as he made each of his final drives.

Liam finally collapsed next to me, withdrawing himself as he did. I fell to the bed, unable to hold my own weight now that he wasn't holding me up. I took deep, calming breaths, and slowly I felt my strength return.

Shyly, I looked over at Liam. He was on his back, his chest heaving. A sheen of sweat glistened over his body in the morning light. He saw me peeking at him, and he half-smiled. A giggle escaped my lips.

"What are you laughing at?" He sounded amused.

"Nothing, I just feel really..." I didn't know exactly how I felt. I was sore, but that good way you feel sore after a hard workout. I was also calm, relaxed and euphoric. "Content."

"You really liked it?" I nodded. "I'm not too rough?" I shook my head. "Good, cause that was fucking amazing."

I giggled again and looked away. I felt Liam's fingers caress my back. My singlet was still pulled up, and my shorts were still around my ankles. He moved on the bed, and I felt him shuffle closer.

"Your bum's got a perfectly shaped red handprint on it. Did I slap you that hard?" He asked with a hint of concern.

"Yeah, it was hard. Good hard. I mark pretty easily." I turned to face him. He was laying on his side, his elbow bent and his head rested on his hand. He was looking down at my bare bottom, rubbing the spot where he marked me. "Bruises also show up pretty bad. They usually look worse than they feel. I rarely remember where I got them."

"You'll need a safe word if we keep this up." Liam looked up. He smiled briefly when he saw I was looking at him. "I don't want to go too far and really hurt you."

"Yeah, it's probably a good idea." I rolled over and laid on my back. I lifted my hips and put my shorts back on. Liam leaned down to kiss my exposed nipple before helping me pull my singlet back down. He laid his head on my chest, and I played with his soft hair, curling it around my fingers.

"Any ideas?" He asked. "For a safe word, I mean."

"Freeze?" I suggested.

Liam was quiet for a moment before nodded in agreement. "Freeze," he repeated. "I like it."

Part 10

[snowfianna]

Fable IV rant:

I'm so pumped up for the 23rd because everything has led me to believe that Fable 4 will be announced this year and the game's existence has been confirmed for a while anyway it's just a matter of time of when will Fable 4 show itself. It's a badly kept secret tbh.

So to those who don't mind a big rant or wish to add on to my rant- here we go!

Can you imagine how good the graphics would be for this game, we've all seen modern games, surely, and they're all bloody fantastic looking. Fable Legends is technically the most recent Fable game despite it being a free to play online game

and that it's cancelled

but it also had a gorgeous look to it all! And the character models did great justice to the concept art and honestly that has my hopes real high because I love the concept art of Fable, specifically from Mike McCarthy, so exaggerated and recognisable- yet in all the games I can confidently say they did not do justice to his character design, specifically for Reaver. Sure, he looks stunning in the third game, but not quite what he looks like in his concept art sadly.

But also, since Fable was made in Unreal Engine (I'm pretty sure at least) we've seen examples of what can be done in Unreal Engine now and it's absolutely breath taking!

If you haven't seen here are some examples and they're so life-like.

Moving on from graphics!

Since Playground Games is behind the development of Fable 4, they would be spectacular at an open spaced world, judging from the Forza games.

I always loved the open world feature added to Fable, it made things more adventurous and you could do so many things that weren't at all related to the main quest to progress the story and it was just thrilling to see there were other things going on! I'd love to just have my dog companion running through fields, fighting enemies left and right and finding buried treasure or forgotten chests.

Run into strangers who request aid in something silly or rather serious and it would be up to you with how you go about the quest or if you even accept it to get renown or gold. Cause a massacre in towns and villages, running off with low morality and plentiful loot- oh one could fantasise of this all day.

Story, characters, writing and voices.

Fable has always had a fun environment of fantasy and a rather good story (despite the curse of mundane or pathetic boss fights in which I hope Fable 4 breaks this cycle) but the one thing that's always kept me on my feet in the games is the writing and the characters. It always just tried not to take itself too seriously, throwing in absurd quests that probably requires cheese or a really weird-looking outfit. It always kept my attention rather than just pure edge and seriousness of life or death.

The characters are a given, the writing done for them all is perfect in my eyes, I love hearing the variations of how characters of NPCs interacted (enough so that I even bought two of the Fable books written by Peter David). Despite Fable 3 not being the greatest at it's time, I found myself absolutely enjoy the characters for how they were- I even cried over Walter's death because it genuinely felt like I lost somebody pretty close (RIP Walter🙏). The writing and the chosen voice actors were superb and I'd love more of it.

I hope this time we can receive a full story instead of how Fable 2 and 3 were where plenty of plot points and such were cut out due to time constraints- thanks Microsoft, very cool. I'm still in anguish when listening to the Developer's Diary 3 of Fable 3 hearing lines that were just never said in the final product and it was definitely not just additional lines that weren't required as it seemed to mention entirely different things that weren't in the game; i.e. Reaver talks about his pirates in Bloodstone and how he misses them- in the final product he never mentions it and it's even shown that he's tried to completely bury his pirate past for whatever reason.

The pacing in Fable 3 was rather strange too, it felt like the revolution should've lasted longer.

Another hope of mine is to have choices that aren't so painfully black-and-white because it's very obvious which is the good or bad option to a scenario- personally for me I'd like to be morally grey rather than pure good or pure evil.

They better have kept the mechanic of your actions affecting your appearance too to the point where you grow horns and get cracked magma-like skin or this slight glow and aura around you and this flawless skin. It kind of died down in Fable 3, only looking more tired or have completely black eyes and the good- eh yeah not much I can say for when you're good. Purity and corruption seemed to also vanish in Fable 3 (at least I think) since you couldn't really change prices of the homes you were renting out, unless I've been a big goof who didn't arrange the rent prices in the game because I didn't know how.

Combat

Combat in all the games was rather straight forward, especially in Fable 2 and 3 where everything was just easy to beat or you could get overpowered around the start of the game. I'd hope the combat improves greatly this time and even bring back real consequences to dying instead of immediate revival with some lost experience and a scar. We need more serious consequences to your actions (this can be applied to all decisions rather than just if you die in a battle) even if it's just having to reload the last checkpoint. Makes things more challenging this way.

Another thing is to make boss fights less repetitive and simple- sure I can forgive it if the boss is from around the start but if they had phases you had to keep ontop of and didn't rely on summoning a bajillion other enemies to strike you, I'd be ever so grateful.

And if there's other characters fighting along side you, I'd hope they'd genuinely be helpful and keep up to speed with the player. I'm sure the AI in the past was the problem for this as AI wasn't at its best during that time so characters fighting by you didn't do too much or just did whatever that wasn't helpful. Now though, AI has improved immensely (I mean look at The Last Of Us 2, the AI is👌) and due to this, I'm sure characters would make battles more fun and the characters be more involved with the fight and even story.

Mana should be brought back as well, in Fable 2 and 3 mana just ceased to exist so you could just endlessly and repeatedly use the same spells and it just gave you too much power and the enemies barely stood a chance.

We need challenges people- CHALLENGES!

Medieval times? Yes.

I love Medieval fantasy and as much as I like the Victorian era too, I didn't think it quite suited Fable, as fascinating as it was to see fantasy turn industrial, it kind of took away from the Fable feel that I so crave. If they have indeed brought the game back to medieval times it means more creatures and enemies are back rather than driven away or limited to the same handful of enemies.

We can all also agree the guns were overpowered, though I did like receiving the Red Dragon late in Fable 2 to absolutely mow down enemies, it was satisfying to say the least. However, guns were far too powerful for the game, so I demand the bows and crossbows back thank you very much- or even throwing knives- I'll take what I'm given.

I'd love to see more of the natural landscape rather than towns or buildings that took over once entirely natural areas (Millfields/Bowerlake). However, I won't object to ruins of old buildings taken over by nature.

Skeptical with Playground Games? Don't be.

Are you worried that Playground Games wouldn't do justice to Fable since it's not Lionhead Studios? Don't be, it's been noted that Playground Games has hired several ex-lionhead workers and plenty other skillful workers to ensure we get the best product. I have high hopes and expectations for Fable 4 even if it's developed under a different studio, I've seen great things from them and I will believe they'll deliver us only the best.

Side note to all this

I will crash and burn if I don't see a crumb of Reaver or Jack of Blades in Fable 4- I don't know how true any rumours are of Fable 4 with time travelling and Jack returning, but we'll just have to see. Reaver still remains as my absolute favourite character of all time and I'd love to see more of him, even see him before he was 'Reaver'.

Jack too, more of his lore is stated elsewhere rather than in the game itself and I'd love to see it all be brought into light and really expand on his lore and make it known- rather than have ever-loving Fable fans like me dig around for these rather delicious bits of canon information.

That's my big rant, feel free to share your thoughts and what you'd look forward to!

Have some accidental art leaks from a Playground Game concept artist- believed to be for Fable 4👀

[dddainuhsoar]

Hi, idk if your offer is still open but i'll just spill my fav fantasie au anyway. So I've been fantasizing a lot about Tian being a dark figure(?)/dragon/devil spirit of some sort and he kinda need people to worship him or feed him by offering sacrifices every year and ofc Guanshan is the one chosen this time but he is so fierce and interesting so Tian don't eat him but instead they live together and Tian make him do all the stuffs or he will eat Guanshan lol Anw i love your writings

hi! sorry this took fucking forever. i have no excuse besides the usual school, work and writer’s block… this isn’t exactly according to your prompt and i am sorry for that. instead, i’ve written something loosely based on it.

i prefer the idea of guanshan being The One In Charge in their relationship and hetian is the one who is completely Whipped, hehe. i hope you like this!

disclaimer: 1k+ words. fairy-tale setting (fantasy). non main character death of course.

TRIGGER WARNING: DESCRIPTIONS OF BLOOD and ofc cannibalism. (nothing too detailed but there’s a visual)

hetian with his raven hair, deep-set eyes and sharp nose, lives in a mansion in the woods. ever since he had been caught at the edge of his woods with his father’s body unmoving underneath him, his father’s bitten-off nose between his teeth and a glint in his eyes that sparkled of insanity, the townspeople neighbouring the woods have been giving him monthly offerings. he hadn’t asked for any of it, but it seemed impolite to turn away the baskets of bread, fruit and cheese.

it was a few months after that he was caught again, outside the tavern past midnight, with a lifeless body spilling blood and organs from its ripped-open belly in his arms; his face was painted with blood, and even more blood oozed and dripped from his lips. he eats them after killing them was whispered from the investigators to the townspeople and when hetian was released from prison, the whispers were all he heard everywhere he went.

if they even dared wonder why hetian was let go after killing two men, they were quickly silenced by his dark gaze, towering figure and predator grin. the townsfolk started sending not only baskets of food to his home deep in the gray woods. they’d bind, gag and blind that month’s village outcast and send them along to Dark Lord hetian as well. those who were sent to him never returned, not even a trace of them was found.

this boy, with his red hair, suspecting eyes, thin eyebrows and twitchy nose, isn’t from the town. his hand holding the basket of food is stained red, there are flecks of blood on his chin and he isn’t wearing a shirt. his pants hang loose at his waist. he’s pretty and hetian wonders when did sheli and his friends realise the dark lord prefers men. his hands aren’t tied and he isn’t gagged or blinded, so the possibility that this man is just passing through flickers in hetian’s mind. but he’s carrying the basket of offerings, so he must be the sacrifice- his bare torso revealing fair skin, pink nipples and carved muscles are not helping hetian concentrate on his thoughts.

hetian realises he has been staring too long. they are standing just beyond the gate of hetian’s home. he was about to head inside after a day of fishing but the sounds of someone trudging through the woods had made him pause just as his hand was on the lock. i should invite him in, hetian thinks, fingers finally pulling the lock open. he turns back to the man and considers lying to make him come in.

��a-a-are you him?” the man asks, taking one step backwards.

“you have to be more specific than that,” hetian replies, slightly surprised it was not himself who spoke first.

“they told me to bring this basket to the dark lord who lives in a black mansion in the woods,” the sacrifice says. his voice isn’t trembling any more, hetian realises. “are you the only one living in these woods?”

“yes.” hetian smirks. “i’ve never been asked that before.”

“i’m here to give this to you,” the man says, holding out the basket. “please take it.”

“they promise me more than a basket of food every month.” the suggestion in his words weigh heavy in the air between them. the redheaded man visibly gulps, his adam’s apple bobbing. he takes a deep breath and his frown deepens. oh, he’s really pretty, hetian thinks, smile widening. sheli picked the single most perfect sacrifice for hetian and hetian can taste the regret he’ll be burdened with for the next week or so for letting this lovely specimen go. “relax,” he says. “i don’t know what you’ve heard about me, traveller, but i am not in the habit of killing and eating human sacrificials.”

confusion, not relief, clouds the man’s eyes. he tilts his head slightly, considers hetian from a different angle. “then what are you in the habit of doing?”

“giving them a bit of bread from the basket, a pocketful of gold and directions to another village.”

the girls who were sent to him all had some sort of physical deformity the simple-minded townspeople could not accept. they cried and begged for their lives until they were knocked out, bound and silenced before being delivered to hetian. and in front of hetian, they would cry, hopeless tears streaming down their faces, muddied hands trembling in a clasped position, praying for a quick death. contrary to their beliefs, hetian had killed just two people, and both had been unfair, unreasonable, unsalvageable men who would have killed more than just two if hetian hadn’t put a stop to their lives.

when the redhead hasn’t spoken, shocked into a silent gape, hetian offers, “if you are determined to leave as soon as possible, i would be happy to send you on your way with the same gifts. otherwise, if you are hungry and tired,” he gestures to the unlocked gate, “you are welcome to come in and rest.” truthfully, he has never invited any of the sacrificials into his home. they were all too afraid of him.

the man eventually croaks, “i- oh-” he blinks. “so you’re just a misunderstood homeowner who lives in the woods?”

hetian laughs at that. “you have made a very sharp observation.”

“and you’re not a cannibalistic dark warlock?” hetian doesn’t give an answer, only smiles. the man sighs. “i was hoping to dispose the bodies at your gate before going on my way.”

the traveller scratches his nape and then drops his hand to his side, leaving a light trail of bloody fingerprints from the side of his neck to just beneath his belly button where his hand had grazed. the small marks on his chest hetian initially thought were red moles appear to be scratches and flecks of blood when the man steps closer to hetian. behind him in the undergrowth, hetian notices, is a head of platinum-white hair matted in brown blood.

“i was planning to kill him. even before he and his friends attacked me.” the traveller paces back to where he had left the body. “they annoyed me.”

“sheli annoys me occasionally too,” hetian agrees in a low murmur.

“so you said something about resting in your home?”

hetian grins. “yes, please, come in.”

the traveller smiles back, a tired but grateful quirk of his lips. “i may need help with the bodies.”

[sweet-xoxo-thatcares]

Pretty Pink Diapers

I just found this website where they sell pretty adult diapers in pink. Like my favorite color and its sponsored for Age Regression Play too. I've only just started wearing diapers after Grandma passed and I wanted to try one on since Hospice sent a whole bunch that we ordered right before, on the day of her passing in her hospital bed at the house. I remember changing her diapers every time she called me around 2 or 3 am in the mornings and I would stay with her, sleeping on the couch we placed next to her bed all the way til Dad woke up before heading to work at 10 to help out. I love Grandma dearly and I even thought to keep and wash her nightgowns, but I never wore them out of respect of Dad's feelings because I know it would be weird for him to see me wearing her leftover diapers and wearing the same nightgowns she had slept in before during her time being nursed by us for her liver/pancreas cancer.

I did leave one in the trash by accident, and I got scared he would know I'd been wearing them. I put them on only during my periods (cycles) cause that's when I feel the most vulnerable, be the most sensitive and in pain to go anywhere or too lazy to keep changing my pads that leak everywhere at night.

I secretly think low-key it does make me Ageplay more, but I don't really do it like on command. Sometimes it just happens and I get all soft and I just wanna lay down, watch cartoons and either sing, draw, color, or do math homework, play games, or puzzles. I think maybe the 1st time I wore it though, it was because the pull-ups looked so easy to put on and off for Grandma, then I had watched Floribama Shore when that one crazy girl wore them around the house as a prank and I got even more curious.

I do judge myself a little bit too hard when its not my period anymore and I still get this rush, almost like a craving to wear a diaper while I'm at the house or about to go in my room....probably because I've been having more arousal and sensitive moments this year since dealing with that bad breakup. But I miss the first time I ever noticed I did ever show my soft side and it was to this specific person over the phone while we were falling to sleep together on the phone.

They told me later on why do you sound so different on the phone vs in person and I didn't understand. I thought I was just being myself. But then they said that I started like baby talk, but it was like where my voice got all light towards the time I was about to fall asleep and I would ask them to come closer to the phone so I could hear them breathing. It helped me relax and I felt safe like I could trust them with my sad, happy, and emotional states.

I never really got comfortable with me being angry, because that doesn't sound like me. But now that I've had to face it more, I'm more accepting of all my emotional states and the ages they remind me of when I get to all 3 in one happy, sad, emotional premise.

And that was seeing Grandma die. I had no idea she was already unconscious that morning, right before I called Hospice and I had to try to figure out if I had to give her more medicine or not so her head would stop shaking and her chest would stop having irregular breaths. She kept groaning and sounded like she was in pain, but needed something. Something for me to do, but because she couldn't talk and tell me, I had no idea.

At one point, I never told anyone but I thought maybe I was the reason for Grandma not making it till Monday. I thought if I had just given her some more morphine like the nurse said, instead of thinking it made it worse because she would go numb so deep that her eyes would roll, it was scary for my own mother to see when she saw her that morning and I was just sitting there, waiting for the Hospice nurse to come. I had no idea what to feel, because there was nothing I could do. I remember crying as if I was the doctor that couldn't save his own patient.

I remember thinking, I can't give up on Grandma, because she wouldn't do that to me if it was me, she deserved more than that. It was the best that I could do, so I went back up there again, no feelings in view and I gave her the recommended dose of morphine and found a way to get some water in her mouth, since her mouth kept shaking too and she suddenly wasn't able to swallow stuff anymore that morning.

By the time the nurse came, I was so damn numb even when she said she probably wouldn't expect her to live past Monday. Grandma was dying and I knew something wasn't right, but at the same time I was released from nurse duty and was exhausted. I wanted to do my best, no complaints, when taking care of Grandma. Cause I owed her. She took me in after that fight with momma for about a month, till we got into it too about something stupid.

I cried not until after I had left everybody in the room and went downstairs to try and watch one of her favorite movies she liked called "Big Fish" I never finished it because I cried that goddamn hard and I didn't know that her reaching out for me and momma's hands the day before or so it was like her turning back into a child herself. Scared, but strong. I've never heard a nurse say "she was trying to stay strong without the pain medication" but I forgot Grandma absolutely hated prescriptions and she hated needles or going to see any doctors. So that could have been why.

I always liked giving her a nice warm towel bath too, she appreciated the small things like ginger ale, butter pecan ice cream, the last of my little sister's birthday cake the week before she passed.

It was two weeks, but to me it felt like a month. I guess maybe I was hurt so bad and scared because I didn't want to keep having flashbacks of Grandma's face when she was unconscious and I didn't know what to do.

I even avoided sleeping in my room or going in her room. Because I would scream whenever I would open the door and walk past, expecting to see her there in my bed just straight looking at me, asking for a diaper change, to go potty, or for me to help her drink some water. Anything she needed and I helped, because I wanted to help her and especially my father who was already busy, tired, and stressed out about work.

So much had changed after that, and yea I felt alone about grieving her cause nobody really wanted to talk about "why did God decide that cancer was the best way for her to go?" I never had my religion shut right down from under me, because I never felt so confused and so untrusting of God than that very moment.

And the diapers were the only thing that made me connect to her and feel safe or sleep better after that. I would sneak to wear them like one would to eat candy bars. Cause I was depressed already and kept eating junk food and sugary sweets, cereal, and gummies till my stomach started hurting and I had to take breaks.

So yea.....thats how my secret diaper wearing quest started. But I still like the idea to wear them at night when I go to sleep or at least lay down in my room. Thats when I would watch Curious George, Clifford, Arthur, and all my other kid shows from childhood, cause it felt the safest to be happy then. Was when I was a kid. I used to even record christmas shows, Charlie Brown episodes, Disney TV on Saturday Mornings (cause we didn't have cable yet), CW Kids, Fox Network shows on my empty videotapes mom and dad saved me just so I could replay them as I watched and fell asleep to them right before I went to bed.