#I try to avoid using the word too frivolously but that was kind of traumatic

[canisalbus]

Hello! I love your art- you have a real talent for expressive eyes. You're a great cartoonist, and I can't wait to see more of your work

It's a little silly, but I just wanted to say- don't beat yourself up for having a reaction to needles after a bad experience. On a moral level, yes, but also a practical one.

It's normal for a body to react to a bad experience with fear. That's what fear evolved to do, warn you about something that could go wrong next time.

However, fear can be reinforced. If your body responds to a stimulus with fear, and then you feel a negative emotion around that memory, your nervous system goes "Wow! That was so bad that even thinking about it stresses me out. I'd better make sure to never let this happen again. Time to dial up the fear signal!"

Being kind to yourself about something frustrating or painful is hard in good conditions, and I don't want to minimize that. This isn't "don't let it bother you" or "just get over it" or "think positive" advice.

When a fear of needles happens to me again (the fear comes and goes), I try to treat it like I would a food aversion resulting from food poisoning. You know when you eat something bad, get sick and then the thought of the food is really gross for awhile? Like that!

I try to let myself be mildly annoyed, but not so much it gets my blood pressure up. Sadness doesn't seem to extend the length of the fear either. But anger, guilt, or shame for me really seem to reinforce the fear reactions.

Your mileage will vary, of course! For me, I went from no fear of needles, to fainting when an IV was put in, back to no fear with patience and time. Maybe this can be a bit of hope for you too! I wish you luck and a smooth road!

.

[nazario-sayeed]

No one like you (Kamilah x MC)

Summary: Kamilah and Amy reunite after Paris- but Amy ends up saying more than she meant to. 

Word count: Around 2000.

Author's note: I was talking with some friends that it would be fun to see Kamilah's reaction to the Paris threesome, so I thought: why not write it? I used the default name for my MC. English is not my first language, sorry if there are any mistakes. I wrote this quicker than I'm used to so it might be shitty it probably is. 

Rating: I'm saying 18+ to be safe but there's nothing explicit. 

Also, I listened to the song Stars Dance by Selena Gomez while writing this, so it's my suggestion for you guys.  

Tag list:  @nazariortega  @duchess-ash-flame  @lahelalove @carreraleigh @donutsgirl36 @queenkaneko @msjpuddleduck @quinnskelly @flyawayboo @brightpinkpeppercorn @jlpplays1 @desiree-0816 @sibella-plays-choices @embarassingsmartphonegame @mfackenthal @iam-the-fuckin-queen @loversintheshadow27 @sleeping-with-her06 @emisondifields @shreya-mackenzie @galaxyside-0 @gavryllo

"We should probably get some rest now, and at dusk we leave to talk to Dracula" Kamilah said when they arrived at the hotel lobby, like it was the most casual thing in the world. "Lily and I already have rooms, but I'll check you in."

Amy placed a hand on Kamilah's shoulder before she could walk to the receptionist desk.

"Kamilah, maybe you could get only two more rooms? For Jax and Adrian, I mean. We could share, if that's okay with you." Amy suggested, shyly. Although they have been together for months now, they never really had the talk. They knew they cared deeply about each other, but had never put labels or boundaries on their relationship. Kamilah eyed her curiously and smirked, before placing a gentle hand on the other woman's cheek.

"Of course, Amy. I was already going to do that. I've missed you these past days" she leaned in and sweetly kissed her lips, making Amy tremble from head to toe, before walking away to book the rooms. Amy stared dumbfolded and a bit flushed as the vampire elegantly crossed the lobby. She still hadn't gotten used to the power Kamilah had over her- and over pretty much everything and everyone else. Kamilah could make her weak on her knees when she was being her normal self, stoic and determined, but Amy felt like she would melt into a puddle everytime the vampire showed her more tender side. The fact that a woman as amazing as Kamilah could feel this kind of affection towards her made her feel dizzy.

The two women went to the luxurious suite Kamilah got for them after saying goodbye to the rest of the group. As they walked in, Amy's jaw dropped to the floor.

"Woah… Kamilah, this room is incredible!" she said, taking in all the beauty of the place. Everything looked fancy and romantic, and Amy couldn't control her urge to throw herself in the huge bed. She honestly thought it was the most comfortable bed she had ever laid on.

"I'm glad you enjoyed it, Amy" Kamilah smiled and opened a bottle of wine, pouring it into two glasses. She walked to the bed and sat next to the young woman who had a content smile on her face now, offering her the wine. Their fingers brushed against each other when Kamilah handed her the glass, and Amy felt a warm tingling sensation where they briefly touched. She let out an exhausted sigh.

"After everything that happened in Paris, I feel like this exactly what I need. This bed is so comfortable I can almost forget that less than a day ago I had to fight my way out of a bloodshed" she said, kind of joking, but it backfired. Her mind immediately filled with the images of that crazy night: the Order killing vampires and humans left and right, the strong smell of blood invading her senses, Serafine being dragged away like an animal... But the most traumatic memory of all was Adrian attacking the Order's soldiers like a beast, so changed and taken by fury that she could barely remember he was a person at that point. Something on her face must have given her away, because she felt Kamilah's hand on her arm.

"Are you okay, Amy?" the bloodkeeper still felt surprised when Kamilah used such a gentle tone with her. For the rest of the world, Kamilah was cold, intense, and closed off. But Amy had seen a part of her that she wouldn't show to everyone: a caring, warm and almost loving side.

"I'm trying to be." she took a long sip of her wine before continuing "It's just… One minute, I was having fun with Adrian and Jax on a private lounge and in the next the Order had invaded Serafine's club and it became pure chaos, you know? And not the good kind of chaos. I can't stop thinking about it" she let out in one breath, her voice shaky. Kamilah ran a hand up and down the other woman's arm trying to comfort her; it wasn't much, but Amy would always feel calmer when Kamilah touched her. Her touch was addictive and somehow magical.

"They're gonna pay, Amy. We'll make sure of that. Those people... They're way passed civility. What they've done it's unforgivable. Adrian's reaction was… extreme. But I do get it. In moments like that, it's easy to let the anger go over your head, it's easy to lose control." she said, and Amy could see in her face that was there was a lot on her mind. She looked hurt and angry for a few seconds, but soon her face changed, like she had just realized something. Kamilah turned to Amy with an eyebrow raised.

"You said you were having fun on a private lounge with Adrian and Jax? What were you doing there?" she asked. Oh shit. "Knowing you, I'd imagine you'd like to stay in the middle of the club taking everything in. I've been to Serafine's club before, I know how interesting things can get. And you are a very curious woman, Amy." she said, and Amy's face immediately turned red. Fuck. She didn't even notice she had mentioned the private area. Kamilah eyed her with interest, waiting for her answer.

"Oh… Uhh… We were, huh" she stumbled on her words. She didn't wanna lie to Kamilah. They weren't exclusive or anything, but telling her that she had a threesome with two others council members was an uncomfortable situation to say the very least. She was feeling suddenly shy and could feel her heartbeat quickening. When her eyes met Kamilah's, the vampire seemed almost amused. Like she knew what happened, but wanted Amy to say it. Amy blushed even harder.

"Things got pretty interesting at the lounge too" she admitted, looking down. Kamilah held back a chuckle.

"Really? How interesting?" she teased, smirking.

"Uh… I think you know, Kamilah." she said, avoiding her gaze. Kamilah smiled and put her fingers on Amy's chin, tilting it up so she could look into her eyes.

"Oh, I have an idea, yes. But please, do enlighten me." she told Amy, and the bloodkeeper knew it wasn't a suggestion. Kamilah's firm tone made her want to do everything and anything she told her to.

"We… uh... " she felt her face burning, but Kamilah didn't back down. Amy let out a long breath and blurted out the next words "We had sex, okay?"

Kamilah was enjoying herself way too much. She didn't really mind that Amy kept seeing other people. But she looked adorable all flushed and bothered, and Kamilah couldn't help herself. The fact that Kamilah could feel attracted to one person at all was pleasant enough, but monogamy seemed like a concept destined for failure when it came to humans- their lives were too short and they felt way too much.

"I thought so. Jax or Adrian?"

Amy looked at Kamilah thinking she was teasing, but the vampire seen legitimately curious. Shit. If she could possibly blush harder, she would've.

"Uh, actually… both." Amy admitted and buried her face in her hands, embarrassed. Kamilah's eyes went wild and her jaw fell open.

"Both?!" she couldn't hide the surprise in her voice. She cleared her throat, trying to disguise it. Amy sighed and cautiously removed her hands from her face, looking at Kamilah. Her face was emotionless once again.

"Yeah… I guess we got carried away. The ambience was very suggestive, we had a couple of drinks..." Amy trailed off, trying to explain herself. Kamilah didn't respond so she went on "Are you mad? You know how much I care about you, and we never really said anything about being exclusive, but I don't know what you're thin-"

"No" Kamilah cut her off. Her voice sounded a little more harsh than she wanted. She reached out a place a hand on Amy's, giving it a little squeeze and speaking again, with a more delicate tone "I'm not mad, Amy. I think it's charming that your heart- and apparently other parts of you as well- are open to more than one person." Amy felt herself blushing again but Kamilah was smiling. The vampire pulled Amy to her, and they laid back together on the pillows, Kamilah's arms wrapped around Amy. "I know how limited most humans can be when it comes to relationships and monogamy. But when you've lived as long as I have, you tend to think jealousy is a frivolous emotion."  

"What about you, Kamilah?"

"What about me?"

"Are you also open for other people?" she asked tentatively. She wouldn't mind if Kamilah said yes, but she was kinda hoping she wouldn't. Amy had feelings for Adrian and Jax, yes, but what she felt for Kamilah was completely different. It was so intense, so passionate, so unique. She had fun with the boys and she cared about them, but Kamilah held a special place deep in her heart. If she wanted Amy to stop seeing them, the bloodkeeper would do it in a heartbeat.

"Amy, before you I didn't even know there was still a place for romantic feelings in my life. I thought I had grown out of it. But then you came along and reminded me of what's like to care about someone. I hadn't felt attracted to someone for a long time. Until I met you. You are... something else." Kamilah said tenderly, and kissed the top of her head.

"So… that means you don't have anyone else?" Amy asked, just to be sure, and Kamilah chuckled.

"No, Amy, I don't have anyone else." she confirmed, and then tilted the other woman's head so their eyes met. Amy felt a chill run through her body; Kamilah's gaze was intense, and so was her voice "And even though I don't mind that you are also dating Adrian and Jax, you know I could make you forget both of them in a second, don't you?"

Amy felt hypnotized. The feeling of Kamilah's fingertip on her chin was too much and not enough at all, at the same time. Amy's breath got caught in her throat and her heart started to beat faster inside her chest. She couldn't force her mind to form words; and before the young woman could even blink, Kamilah straddled her hips and gently pushed the collar of Amy's shirt down and placed a kiss on her neck, making her gasp. She moved her mouth to whisper on her ear "And I know that neither of them come even close to me."

Kamilah placed a hand inside one of Amy's thigh, moving it up so they were under her skirt and dangerously close to where Amy wanted her the most. Amy tried to move so she could feel any kind of contact, but Kamilah kept her still with ease. The vampire moved her face so her crimson red eyes were looking directly into Amy's brown ones.

"Kamilah, please..." Amy whispered, dignity nowhere to be found. Kamilah had barely touched her and she was already at her mercy.

"Please what, Amy?" she whispered above Amy's mouth, with a firm tone. Their lips were inches apart.

"Please, touch me" Amy begged, desperate to feel what only Kamilah could give her.

"Good girl" Kamilah smirked before leaning down to hungrily kiss her. She let her hand move to between Amy's leg, making her moan into the vampire's mouth and melt into her touch.

It didn't take look until Amy was screaming Kamilah's name, overtaken with pleasure and lost in Kamilah's spell. She used her hands and mouth to remind Amy that no one else could make her feel like she did.

Many hours later, Amy felt worn out. Her legs were shaking and she felt like she wouldn't be able to walk for at least a week. She was panting, flushed and breathless by Kamilah's side. The vampire had a content smirk on her face, but she had barely broken a sweat- and it was more than enough to turn Amy into a euphoric mess.

Her heart was pounding inside her chest and she couldn't bring herself to form a coherent sentence. But there was one thing on her mind: Jax and Adrian who? 

[zukadiary]

Beside the Foggy Elbe / Estrellas ~ Star Troupe 2019

First show of 2019! My home base in Japan is usually Kansai, but for the first time I’m in Tokyo for a lengthy stay. I saw Elbe/Estrellas twice in the theater plus the senshuuraku live view. Spoilers, because the ending of Elbe was one of my favorite things about it.

Beside the Foggy Elbe [Summary]

I caught Elbe quite late in the run, and most of the feedback I heard from talking to other non-Japanese fans beforehand was fairly negative, but I found it VERY enjoyable. Elbe is one of the most historically famous original Takarazuka works. While I haven’t seen more than clips and photos of the older productions, I was already familiar with much of the soundtrack, and I always love seeing and hearing classic Takarazuka elements live, especially as a relatively young fan coming in late in Takarazuka’s 105 year history. It’s a special kind of fun to be able to sit in the theater and sing along (even if only in my head) to a show I’ve never even seen. The story is most definitely dated, but I love the vintage-ness of it (if anything, I wish they’d pushed the aesthetics even more vintage). And because it’s an old classic, I was able to suspend my disbelief of the unlikely love story in the same way I can with old Hollywood musicals (is it believable that Dale Tremont falls in love with Jerry Travers three seconds after finding out he wasn’t actually Horace? No but I’m here for it). I also love that they don’t get together!! The first time I saw it, I looked at the clock when Margit and Florian began yelling for Karl on the docks, and went sort of wide eyed when I realized there wasn’t TIME for it to end any way other than heartbreak. I think it’s much more interesting that way.

Quick complaints out of the way first: while the show isn’t really hard to follow, I did find both Beni and Airi quite difficult to understand. Beni uses a very loud, slurred voice to play the foul-mouthed Karl, and while it’s in keeping with her character, I couldn’t untangle a lot of her words, even though they weren’t lines I’d find complicated if I read them. Airi put on a shrill voice that I also found difficult to understand. I get that her character is an ingenue to the extreme so it makes sense, but I still feel like she could have landed somewhere between that and her natural voice and been ok. Additionally, there is a parade in the beginning that I think was an UeKumi addition. I didn’t DISLIKE it, and I understand its usefulness because it’s a very top heavy show and the parade gives the secondary players a bit of fun extra spotlight, but it didn’t really fit the look or vibe of the rest of Elbe. 

I do think you need to like Beni and Airi to enjoy this show, because it is so top heavy (if you love them, I think this will be a really great show for you). I especially liked the role of Karl for Beni. Beni’s Karl was an extremely insecure person who disguised his self-doubt in brash mannerisms and generally poor behavior, which made his moments of sincerity very poignant. Since Beni is known more for her comedic roles than her serious ones, and sometimes seems to be questioned by fans re: her ability to be serious, I thought this really suited her in kind of a meta way. She leaned hard into the brashness because that’s more her strength, but for me she also nailed Karl’s vulnerable moments, and that made them sting extra because it felt like it was coming from a real place. I’m also kind of a sucker for the cross-social-class love story trope. Karl’s behavior for the most part is truly unattractive to the point where it can be hard to sympathize with him, but there are several scenes where you can feel his deep discomfort toward being amongst the wealthy, and how traumatized he is about his ex leaving him because he wasn’t rich enough, and Beni makes them hurt sooooo good (shout out to Otoha Minori who had the very small part of Karl’s ex but really helped succinctly convey that backstory in a way that impacted the whole show).

Margit is a hard sell for me because I don’t find her likable as a character, but I think Airi did a great job hitting the necessary notes. For the story to work, Margit has to be unhappy, but also sheltered, spoiled, frivolous, and naive enough to fall in love with someone she met in a bar at first sight just because he was a little nice to her and the polar opposite of the life she’s trying to escape. Airi made it plausible. She also plays the piano for real a couple of times (angrily!) and I was VERY impressed (Coto also does, but she can’t surprise me with unexpected talents anymore). I think Airi’s strength is sexier more mature characters and I hope she gets to flex that muscle in their taidan show, because in that sense Elbe left a lot to be desired.

As much as I think Karl suited Beni, Coto is the one who made me think it wouldn’t have been quite the same if they’d given Elbe to any current lineup other than Hoshigumi. The least believable part of the entire story is that Florian is too good. There are no men who are that good. Even for the not-men of our 夢の世界 it’s a stretch. But I completely believed that Coto was that good. I don’t even know what to say about her... she can do anything and it’s stupid. Muster up heartbreaking sincerity for a truly unrealistic character? Sure. Play the piano flawlessly while speaking? Why not. (And the way she brushed her coattails out of the way before seating herself at the piano bench made me feel A Way).

The newly inserted Tobias was a nice sendoff for Kai. Not quite as delightful and meaty a role as Kiroku, and not as strong of a goodbye present as Sho Fu Kan, but lovely nonetheless. Tobias was not inherently a remarkable character, but he was an excellent blank canvas on which Kai painted herself, making him cool, hot, and everyone’s big brother—all around lovable. Her costumes made NO sense (cowboy hat??) but she wore them so well I loved them all against my better judgment. Stage time dropped off pretty hard after Beni/Airi/Coto, but the scenes with the other sailors were my favorite, and Kai’s involvement in each was prominent enough (and CUTE enough) to make Tobias feel like a juicy role. She gets a lovely bridge solo toward the end, and fittingly leaves the ship crew to get married (to Mizuno Yuri/Karl’s sister), exiting separately in dramatic fashion to everyone else’s tears and well wishes. 

I found myself charmed by the supporting cast—including (especially??) the nameless lurkers of the background—more than usual. Was it the giant food props? Were they just exceptionally silly back there? I don’t know, but unfortunately the recording won’t illuminate them regardless. As for the named support, Mao Yuuki, Seo Yuria, Shidou Ryuu, and Amahana Ema made up the rest of the sailors with lines and stuff, and while there was barely anything for them to do, I (for reasons not entirely known) found Mao and Seo in particular extremely charming. Amato Kanon played a bratty screaming kid, the exact type of role I’d normally find annoying as hell, but she even managed to make HIM charming; she had a lot of very entertaining wordless interactions with some of the bigger players on the outskirts of various scenes while something else was happening in the middle. Mikkii used 5 of her 7 seconds of stage time prowling through the audience, and seeing her angry face advancing head on toward the gaijin seats was indescribably intimidating. The biggest surprise was I fell a little in love with Mizuno Yuri, who, to be fair, did not have to sing OR dance, but who did play a weird lanky adorably awkward country bumpkin with a stupid accent from Karl’s middle-of-nowhere hometown in a way that I for some reason could not stop watching. She, as Tobias’s bride, also bawled her eyes out on raku when the two of them ran off together. 

So far I still think Another World is the crown jewel of Benigumi, but I’d place Elbe second.

Estrellas

Seeing Estrellas was an odd experience because it got the New Year’s NHK broadcast, and I watched THAT before I saw it live—how often do you see a Takarazuka video BEFORE seeing the show live?? It’s my personal favorite Benigumi revue thus far. I fell in love with it pretty instantly, and interestingly I think a big part of that was the NHK cinematography, which combined with the song selection made it feel more like a concert or a FNS-style big televised music program. I found that fresh. It didn’t have QUITE that same vibe live, but still a good impact. I can see it being polarizing though; it’s very pop and not very Takarazuka at times, and I probably like it so much because I happen to personally like the song choices. 

Allowing for the fact that she was still performing very much within her own quirky style, Beni (up until Tokyo raku) seemed very on point to me, which I was glad to see; my last live Hoshigumi experience was Another World/Killer Rouge in Takarazuka toward the beginning of the run last year, and in Killer Rouge especially it seemed like she was being extremely cautious with her movements in a way that made me wonder if she was nursing or avoiding an injury. Every time I saw Estrellas though she danced full force. Airi had more than one sexy number to make up for Margit, most notably an all musumeyaku dance in the finale portion that I feel like I see pretty rarely from Hoshigumi. Beni and Airi’s duet dance was also VERY cute and very them.

Kai again got a lovely sendoff, a big long 3-song progression with perfectly chosen lyrics. The way she drank in the theater on the last day, like she was really trying to burn the image of the audience into her eyes, was SO much. 

Coto is stupid. She paints with her voice and that gets me real bad. There’s a solid handful of siennes in the top tier of vocals in Takarazuka, and while many of them are gorgeous singers, the only two I’ve heard play and emote with their voices the particular way I’m thinking of are Coto and Daimon. Her vocal control while she’s violently dancing is also astounding. She’s stupid.

Senshuuraku was an ordeal! Estrellas opened with Beni doing what I initially thought was some weird attempt at a sexy breathy thing, and then maybe thought she was trying not to cry, till it became abundantly clear that something bigger was wrong. She got hoarser and hoarser till some notes in “Tonight is What it Means to be Young” failed to come out entirely. She used her chuuzume ad lib time to apologize for her voice... sad, because that was the prime slot for cute and touching moments with the retiring actresses, but she was clearly too panicked and struggling to think of that. Then she explained during the curtain call that she broke her voice at the end of Elbe—and it must have been on the VERY last note, because the entirety of Elbe was COMPLETELY fine (I didn’t even notice a weird crack or anything at the end). I didn’t know you could break your voice that badly on one note, but I guess you can. She was very flustered and apologetic—also full on crying—though every curtain call, and while I can’t blame her for feeling remorseful I wish she’d dialed it back after the first couple of apologies and let the retiring actresses have their moment. But considering her state it was pretty remarkable that she powered through, and I hope she has a chance to recover before the next show.

I’ve lived through my share of Takarazuka retirements, including ones that turned a whole troupe’s vibe completely upside down, but somehow Kai’s feels unusually odd (I imagine Miya’s will as well). I think it’s gonna be a downer of a year.