#I used the wrong too but icba to change it

[st4rgzer]

STICK SEASON matt sturniolo

genre: angst and just a bit of fluff at the end

summary: you have some unfinished business with someone you’ve missed more than you’d like to admit

cw!: self deprecation i think?

a/n: feeling very Noah Kahan ish

I went to Vermont to my parents house in a desperate attempt to find some comfort in anything, my childhood house came close to what I needed, even if the sad pink wallpaper pasted on my wall was peeling off, the bed, rusty, and the springs tired of supporting groups of chatting girls, or the mirror dusty from not having anyone stare into it to do their makeup for a while now, it still brought me a little bit of relief to have proof that I was once in a better place.

But now it was time to go “home” or at least what used to be home, now home has a different meaning. I’ve always struggled with selfishness, always having angry tendencies so I directly remove myself from the situation in order to avoid any nuisance I might provoke. Matt helped me. He saw the good in me as I saw the good in him, showing me that yelling isn’t the only way one can be heard, gentle words, whispers and sighs, worked effortlessly with him, everything envolving him meant being engulfed endlessly in light and sweetness. Now I’m stuck between the anger and the blame I can’t face, I tried to just remove myself from the situation.

“We can fix this please, I can fix this, I can change”

“I know you can, but I can’t be here, I don’t want to watch you destroy yourself, I’m tired of this”

That’s when he just drove off and left our future to the right. Rightfully so, I tend to play the victim, I’m trying to change, for him.

The phone dials again and the familiar voicemail appears, he used to call me forever now he can’t even call me back. I’m in Boston and I don’t think they’re home, but I’m terrified of knocking on their door.

Until I wasn’t. My body suddenly became 10 times heavier as I tried to drag myself to their doorstep, tempted to just run off and catch the next plane to nowhere. But I had to do this, for him, for me.

knock, knock, knock

One, two, three

The door opened and I was greeted with a very surprised Matt, he looked different from when I had seen him last, not in a bad way.

“what are you doing here” He blatantly said, quickly, he realized how brute he’d been and rectified his wording

“-i’m sorry, Hey y/n, what brings you…here?” He furrowed his eyebrows slightly as I began talking, it seemed my voice startled him, after all, it had been some time.

“I wanted to talk to you” I said, trying not to seem too stern. I had a habit of making situations more complicated then they had to be. He sighed and opened the door for me to walk through, the smell of bath and body works candle Nick bought for one of their videos (i’m sorry icba to use the pink sands reference) brought me back to the long movie sessions we’d have on their family couch, Mary Lou would bring us christmas cookies grannies would buy, I bought those last week, they didn’t taste the same.

“so um- long time…” He said walking behind the couch, creating some distance between us. He put his hands in his pockets and pursed his lips, I don’t think he was very happy to see me.

“yeah” I bit my inner cheek. Id come here to talk but I couldn’t seem to find any words right now, I wish it could be like it used to be, I wouldn’t have to say anything, he’d know what was wrong, he’d find the words for me.

“Matt I-” I took a deep breath and tried not to make a joke out of myself. “I know I have no right to show up at your doorstep unannounced, well I did call you but- that’s not the point. I’m sorry, yes that’s what I wanted to say, I’m sorry, and I’m sorry for fucking everything up and showing up in your life again and that’s not fair but I needed you to know I’m not a bad person, I’ve made mistakes and I can’t even say how sorry i am for hurting you in any way possible but I think about you everyday. I mean I see you everywhere, I see you when It rains, I see you when I discover a new song then I remember you recommended it to me, and I mean, I think what we had, what at least I thought we had, was something, you know? Now i see you mother and she doesn’t even remember me.” I inhaled sharply, my words spewing faster than I could breathe. I couldn’t figure out what Matt was thinking, if it was good or bad, well, I think in this situation it couldn’t be very good, one can hope.

A minute of silence passed by, the only sound that filled it was our steady-ish breaths, we looked at each other as if we were having a telepathic argument, however that would work, I thought telling a joke would ease the tension, I missed his laugh, maybe I’d get to hear it once again, but I don’t think i’m funny anymore.

“y/n…” My eyes were wide as I clawed into the couch in anticipation, not knowing if the next hour I would spend crying or whatever the other option was.

"I missed you too" his words were doubtful, he questioned himself, uncertain in wether he meant them or not.

“yes, I missed you. Maybe that’s bad, maybe I’m just a masochist, that, or you’re just engraved in my brain” He chuckled, his laughed remained the same, at least some things are how I remembered.

“so…you don’t hate me?” I said cautiously, analyzing his words in my mind to see if he really said what he said.

“I don’t think so, I’ve never hated you I don’t think. I couldn’t hate you, y/n, even if I tried, and trust me, I tried” His words almost seemed fake as I tried to fathom them, a puzzled look on my face that seemed to amuse Matt.

I nodded, not quite knowing what to respond just yet, or how to continue with the conversation. Figuring out any hidden meaning behind his slight smile, maybe everything was just really in my head, well, at least some part of it.

“I told Mary Lou you were going to be in town, I listened to you voicemails” He paused, looking away, almost embarrassed.

“I was nervous for you to come, I didn’t know how to feel exactly…But I definitely haven’t forgotten about you, the other day Chris accidentally bought two hats online, one was yellow, your favorite colour, is it still you favorite? Well, Nick reminded us”

I smiled. It was weird to hear that my name was thrown around in foreign conversations, I thought it may be a taboo here.

“It is. I’m glad, was Chris able to return the hat?” I said, thinking I sounded stupid to get that from the conversation instead of the important part, I tried to spark conversation.

“I kept it.” He said quietly, I smiled, a feeling of pity lingered in my stomach.

“I know this might be a long shot but, do you maybe want to get lunch, or coffee, or something with me? I’m in town till next week, if you want of course” I said, trying not to fumble my words, hoping to make things work, or just at least leave them a little better.

“sure”

A sudden childish excitement filled me, a feeling I had missed so dearly, a feeling I had when I was with Matt, as I could see.

“ok, text me?” I tilted my head, hopeful, relieved when he nodded. Saying things like this so casually still unsettled me slightly but I’ll try to ignore the feeling.

I guess lunch it is.

taglist: @gaytoadwithapopsicle @dwntwn-strnlo @oneirophobic @20nugs @iha8you @lovelysturniolo @stvrni0lo @ssturniolo @ifilwtmfc @gabbylovesreading @lvrsparadise @strniolo

[garfieldsladybird]

theme is so pretty!!!! icba to link things so here’s like a clear up of everything :)))

my october tests aren’t my gcses (the big ones) - they happen in march-y time, but my mocks are in november and i’m scared af because my teachers haven’t decided what they’re on yet (this years work or everything since last sept)

i have technically two skirts and around six shirts and then two sports kits (a top and skort for summer and winter) summer is white, winter is blue :) (one of my everyday skirts is stitched up a few inches, but the other isn’t so i just have one th at i wear :)) tehehe)

i have my rescue remedy thingys (the sweets / candy) but i’m trying not to use them until nov / match so i don’t get used to them 👀

my grades that i do get (in oct) soon are my atl (attitude to learning - 1 is the best, 2 is mid, 3-4 bitch you’re in trouble) and that’s just how you are in class / hw being done

i then get graded as well and they changed it last year to correspond with gcse grades (so 9 is best 5 is pass 4-1 fail) they give you what level you are rn and what you should be aiming for (usually a grade or two higher)

yeh reason from a change of a,b,c etc to 9-1 is because certain sixth forms / universities have a rule that you need a certain number, so when you add all your numbers up you can see if you get in! i learned this reasonably recently and it makes a lot more sense.

phew that was a lot - sending love!! also i got a really angry dm by that kinda sort of racist boy on friday and THAT was interesting 👀

sending love ❤️

also also i made lockscreens for my phone and ipad since i saw a harry styles one but wanted a taylor one that no one had tehe and i think they’re kinda cute 🥰

also also also i changed my url slightly since icedfaeriie sounded a bit like a costa coffee ☕️

yes thank you!! <33

oh okay thats more understandable. that it’s at the end of the year. which one do you hope the teachers choose tho?

that’s cool how they change the colors!  that’s pretty sweet! i why though… mhmmm. I wish I had some skirts- anyways, slayyy!!! youuu!! :DDD yeha but do you actually wear it? isn’t your school very strict..? i remember you telling me something about them not allowing like any makeup. :/ but i mean slayy!! though :DDD

that’s great!! hopefully they can/do last and/or maybe you can get more!

that’s a whole different system of what and how you are getting graded. like whoa-

that is great!! like honestly that sounds so smart to do and it sounds so useful too! i dont got much to say on six because I understand it but I don’t.

what I want to say is that basically for me at keeping up with assignments. homework and all of that. yk. I procrastinate on it a lot. but i now know that it’s okay to ask for help and if you were to get like a bad score on a test, it’s okay because it’s a learning experience, learn what you got wrong and mistaken and learn from it. but next time study. —

okay whatever. idk. but I’m not saying that you need to like ask for help or anything I’m just saying I don’t put so much pressure on yourself to get above and beyond. do the best your ability and if they do not like it then learn. yeah :)

i’m very high right now and it’s 5 AM. i’m gonna try going to bed. goodnight and good morning!! if none of this makes sense to you please ignore all of it :$)

😽💗🫶

also I’m sending so much love to you!!! wait so you made a Taylor Swift lock screen? that’s amazing!!! i’m loving all of her songs right now!! yes I did notice that you changed your url, because of so I had to go and re-change the link on my moot page which was perfectly fine ofc!! I just wanted to tell you!! anyways I love you 💗 hope you have a great day, make sure to stay hydrated and just know that you are perfect, wonderful and beautiful!!! <333

MWAHHHHHH!!!! 😽😽😽

[sith-as-heck]

Argumentative.

After Ashoka leaves the order, Zeerleah vents her frustrations to Obi-Wan.

Zeerleah knocked the door of Obi-Wan’s quarters so hard her knuckles hurt, She was angry and was going to let him know.

The doors slid open, Obi-Wan was standing in front of her, a cup of caf in his hand.

“Zeerleah..” He greets, sounding tired “Now isn’t a great time.”

“Now is a perfect time.” 

She didn’t wait for a invitation to his room and stepped inside

“How dare you?” She asked as the doors slid closed

Obi-Wan’s eyebrows raise “How dare I what?”

“Ashoka.”

“I didn’t do anything.”

“And therein lies the problem.” Zeerleah gritted her teeth “She was on trail and you did nothing.”

“Zee..”

“This is why I left, you know that?” She gestures wildly with her hands, frustrated with everything “A young girl is facing life in prison and the council turns on her with no second thought and when it's relieved they were wrong..” She scoffs “Oh don’t worry Ashoka, it was your trail, the Force wanted this.”

“Zeerleah..” Obi-Wan’s tone was that of warning “The council made their decision.” 

“And they were wrong!” 

Her anger in the Force made Obi-Wan’s mug vibrate, the caf spilled over the side.  

“Ashoka has lived here since she was a child and first, The Council send her off to be a solider…” 

She started to pace, stomping her boots with each step.

“How many of us have died in this war, Obi?” She turned quickly on her heels “And for what?”

“We serve the republic..you know this.”

“They have their clones.”

She bit her tongue about arguing about that, that was a topic for another time. 

“It isn’t your place to do why we do what we do.” 

“But it is yours.” She met his eyes, they were bloodshot with fatigue “Qui-Gon would have argued against it.”

He blinked in surprise, she had crossed a line and she wished she hadn’t.

Or maybe she did, she didn’t know, she wanted to argue with him, scream at him.

She’d scream at the whole damn council if she had too.

“Two years Obi..” She pointed a finger at the viewport, to the city outside “Two fucking years we’ve been fighting this war and it seems for every step forwards we take a dozen back.” 

“I know it seems pointless but think of all the lives-”

She cut him off

“All the lives?” She clicked her tongue “Think of all the dead, The hundreds of clones who have died, But I suppose they don’t count, do they?”

“Zee!” He puts his mug down and walks towards her “You're upset about Ashoka..” 

“Don’t tell me how I feel!”

Once again the anger in the Force, shaking the mug, this time causing it to fall over. It worried Obi-Wan, she could feel it.

“This war cost the Jedi Order one of its greatest members…and he didn’t once raise his lightsaber in battle.”

Her voice quivers, She misses Master Kano now more than ever.

“All my life I have followed the Tenents of the Order..Even when it hurt me..” She took a deep breath “But the Senate clicks their fingers and suddenly we’re generals…sending children to die.”

“Zee..” Obi-Wan puts a hand on her shoulder, softly and waits, before placing the other hand on the other shoulder “Trust me I have had this argument in my head a thousand times and everytime I reach the same conclusion.”

“Which is?”

“There is a sith lord at the head of the beast and the Jedi are the only people who can stop it.”

“We don’t even know who Sidious is.” 

She shrugs his hands off and heads back towards the door

“And since you Jedi Masters are all about bullshit riddles..” She glares at him “Perhaps we can’t see the forest for the trees.”

The doors slid open and she walked out.

Leaving Obi-Wan wondering what the hell he was going to do.