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reyesstrand · 2 years

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2021 fic wrap up/year in review!

i’ve been tagged in these for the past few days but wanted to wait until i got my last fic of the year up to do this, so here we go!

thanks to @bellakitse @morganaspendragonss and @iboatedhere for tagging me 💗

total number of completed works: 32

total word count: 89,260

fandoms i’ve written in: just 911ls this year!

looking back, did you write more fic than you thought you would this year, less, or about what you’d expected? honestly, a mix between about what i expected and less. i got quite a bit done while lone star was airing at the beginning of the year—it’s only when we got into the hiatus and i started school that i realized how much i had to balance, and fic writing unfortunately fell to the wayside. but i’m hoping to get back into it over winter break and with s3 starting soon!

what’s your favourite story of the year? this is really hard, but i think i’d have to go with felt like maybe we could last forever (though all my episode codas have a special place in my heart)

did you take any writing risks this year? nothing too risky, but i tried to expand my horizons by delving into the world of angst and hurt/comfort as opposed to my usual fluff, and i’ve really enjoyed it!

do you have any fanfic or profic goals for the new year? finish prompt requests from this past summer! some might never get done and that upsets me, but there’s a few that i’ve been chipping away at that i’d like to finish. also, i’d like to get back into my weekly episode codas (though i have no doubt it will).

most popular story of the year? by hits: my heart hurts so good (a one-shot collection) and by kudos/bookmarks: wanna be still with you (my 2x08 coda)

story of mine most under-appreciated by the universe, in my opinion: umm anything non-tarlos akdns so i’m going to plug those here!! hold on to me (post-2x02 nancy x marjan) / all so incredibly loud (grace x judd angst week prompt) / how we get notorious (tk & marjan angst week prompt) / make me feel alive (2x08-nancy x marjan) / and it’s just like a prayer (tk & judd angst week prompt) and finally chasing after our ends (2x03 carlos & grace missing scene)

most fun story to write: umm any of the episode codas—like take this wildness away, which offers a look at 2x06 if carlos had been in the episode. i also like a lot of the prompt requests i get because they offer me ideas i never would’ve thought of on my own—like safe like springtime, where tk helps deliver carlos’ sister’s baby.

most unintentionally telling story: not necessarily one story, but i think the amount of times “found family” or “tenderness” comes up as a tag in my fics probably tells you something about my ~internal desires~

biggest disappointment: my writer’s block between august and december, as it was just frustrating to deal with and resulted in very little getting done.

biggest surprise: actually finishing various events like carlos week, lone star angst week, and tarlos valentine weekend!! also, being able to keep up with the slightly insane tradition of watching a new episode live and writing a coda that would not leave my head in the hours between 10pm and 1am on monday nights. it might make for some lack of sleep, but the thrill of getting those fics up at a ridiculous hour and then reading everyone else’s codas/spec fic until the following week’s episode was all part of the fun of season two for me, and i look forward to continuing that this season!

my favourite part of fandom this year: just interacting with everyone! getting inbox messages of theories and speculation and screaming was so fun. and of course, i couldn’t not mention my lovely mutuals and the lone star house, it truly made my year so much brighter <3

i’m getting to this late so i apologize for any double tagging, but here are my no-pressure tags: @howtosingit @marjansmarwani @kiras-sunshine @sunshinestrand @rafael-silva @strandnreyes @jamieetartt (and anyone else who wants to do this!)

#tag games

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thelaaseit · 4 years

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Coffee & Contemplation

*pours myself a cup of joe*

In July of 2019, on a plane coming home from Texas, I thanked my G.O.D. for the peace that I was so strongly feeling. For someone who loves to travel, GOD do I hate to fly. Typically in those moments, to take my mind off the fact that I am suspended in midair while being driven by a complete STRANGER, I write. That morning I was writing on love and happiness; discussing with myself the concept of ~displaced emotions~

Throughout the summer of 2019, I participated in a desperately needed mental hiatus which was 100% sponsored by my patient and loving parents. While everyone else was having their “hot girl summer” I was determined to have my “productive girl summer”. Why? Because I’m a freaking nerd, that’s why. I told myself that I would dedicate those three months for coffee and contemplation. I planned to commence in powerful mental dialogues on topics such as “what is the GOD DAMNED meaning of life??” and “how do you FREAKING connect with the big bad universe??” and, maybe the most important one, “how do you friggin’ HARNESS that all-powerful energy?” while, obviously, sipping on a nice hot cup of joe. But no. No no. While I definitely consumed unhealthy amounts of black coffee, I just couldn’t seem to find the motivation to contemplate. Instead, I unintentionally participated in a bout of personal observations. Observations on the ever-so-elusive topics of love and happiness. At the time, I believed those two words to be very closely related. Why? Because I was 23 and I didn’t know shit.

*takes a sip*

What I first observed was the fact that I was a bit delusional when it came to “love”. I felt like I couldn’t achieve happiness if it wasn’t completely saturated with romantic love. But listen to this. Please listen. In the past, when I didn’t have love I didn’t have happiness. BUT, at the same time, when I did in fact have love, I also couldn’t manage to find happiness. So... you would think… It would be obvious to me…. That love wasn’t the issue here…. Right? HA. Nope. Not to me. Not at the time. And this is the reason: In the past when I had received love, happiness would accompany it. BUT, here’s the kicker, on a scale from ONE to TEN I could only ever achieve a THREE. A THREE people. But that THREE I felt while being loved was a hell of a lot better than that ONE I felt without it. But the THREE was a bandaid and I didn’t see it at the time.

*sets mug down*

That was my next observation. That love had become the bandaid solution for my unhappiness. In 2017, right after breaking up with my first love, I started desperately searching for yet another bandaid. I was certain that if I could just find a different type of love that it could enable me to reach that level TEN I had always dreamt of. This was a freaking hard task though because my first love had been REAL and never in my life was I going to be able to settle for something that wasn’t REAL. But I’ve learned that REAL love can’t come one right after the other. For a long time though I searched and searched. I was unhappy and nauseous and I thought I would never be happy and put myself in situations that abused my body and my mind but I didn’t care because I was already unhappy. For three years nothing changed. Emotionally that is. Physically, a lot changed! I’d graduated from college, I’d gotten a big girl job, I’d separated from my parents and was completely independent, I remained in Chattanooga and made SO MANY BEAUTIFUL LIFE LONG FRIENDS but, even with all those changes guess who was still unhappy? THIS GAL! And why was I unhappy? I thought it was because I still hadn’t found love. This was me unknowingly ~displacing my emotions~.

*takes another sip*

And this was my last observation. That I was very much guilty of displacing deeply rooted negative feelings onto the idea that it was because I lacked romantic love. Crazy. I know. And do you want to know what ended up ACTUALLY being the reason for all of my unhappiness? My freaking stationary lifestyle.

*heavy sigh*

So there I was, on a plane traveling back home from Texas. I had just spent a beautiful long birthday weekend with my best friend Jade and her family. I was truly happy. Truly and purely. Like, damn near close to that TEN I had always been striving for. I was no longer searching for happiness; which, in return, had completely ceased my obsession with love. And as I sat there on that plane, I cried from happiness. And as I sat there on that plane, I thanked my G.O.D. And as I sat there on that plane, I asked myself... WHY?? Why now? What happened? What changed? The word ~displacement~ kept popping into my head. When I got home that night I did a classic google search and found that good ole Freud had written on the topic. To put it simply, the term displacement means to take out one’s anger onto something that is completely unrelated. For example, let’s say you’re totally pissed off at your boss and when you come home from work you yell at your significant other. That’s displacement. It’s a pretty shitty concept but, HELL, everyone is guilty of it. My whole emotional life (13 and onward) I had been displacing my emotions and that night I realized that all of my anxieties, all of my impatience, and that daunting emptiness that I was so used to feeling hadn’t been stemming from my lack of love. It had been stemming from my deep and painful desire to TRAVEL.

*pours a second cup*

I had a great job. To be completely honest, before I even graduated from University I had already scored my dream job. I was working for a nonprofit as a resource connector. My title: Director of Membership and Development. I was a 22/23-year-old girl with a Director’s title. My life isn’t real, y’all. But I was unhappy. The issue? Being a resource connector wasn’t actually my dream job. I deeply wanted to travel. I felt very trapped being a young professional stuck at a desk working a 9:00 to 5:00 job with only 17 vacation days. There are 365 days in a year and I was stuck with only 17 to do what I truly loved. It was maddening. But it was my first job! I felt very unappreciative. And where else would I go? How could I leave? How could I travel and get paid for it? I would completely ignore these thoughts. I would firmly push them out of my head. I told myself they were impossible. I had no experience. No one else would want me. Then, in November of 2018, I traveled to Italy for the second time in my life. I vacationed in Rome for a week completely alone and, a week after returning, I had found a job in Italy teaching. I was to start that position on September 14th, 2019. It was only December of 2018. The waiting game commenced. I waited 5 long months, quit that job, and moved in with my parents for the summer. What. A. Blessing.

*smiles*

The summer of 2019 truly allowed me to slow down, relax, sleep, eat, workout, spend time with my family, travel, and fill up my heart to that seemingly unattainable TEN. That summer I didn’t try to find myself. I didn’t do deep dives on my soul. I stopped trying to understand why I do things or why I want certain things. What I DID do the summer of 2019 was STOP obsessing. My heart and soul became CALM. I wasn’t being impatient with myself anymore. I stopped feeling the need to wish my time away and, healthily enough, I didn’t wish to stay stuck in the present, either. That summer, without even trying, I found peace. My body became happy and healthy. My mind became so comfortable with itself I would cry. I WAS NO LONGER OBSESSING WITH LOVE! I didn’t feel the need for anyone’s attention. I didn’t need constant affirmation. I was truly in love with myself. Then I moved to Italy. Everything was just amplified. My desperate need to be loved by anyone other than myself had completely vanished. I was so happy being single. I am human, though. The idea of having a companion was a nice thought but I didn’t feel like I NEEDED IT. And honestly, the idea of sharing all of the love I had just created for myself completely and totally terrified me. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is a whole other story. I was steady and in control of my feelings, something that a year ago I thought to be completely impossible.

*washes dirty mug*

I sometimes think back to my old self. To the person who was always upset. To the person who was constantly wishing the time away. I realize my feelings stemmed from being in the wrong place, from doing the wrong things, from being burnt out, and from constant self-doubt. I think I lost some precious months of my life because of situations I willingly put myself through while ~displacing~. The moral of THIS story is that when you are upset… don’t settle. Leave. Reinvent yourself. Believe in yourself. Don’t wait for the next best thing. Create that next best thing. You don’t deserve to be miserable.

*pours another cup of coffee*

#love displacingemotions youngprofessionals 20s selfhelp selfdiscovery lifeasasocialexperiment laase italy america chattanooga

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