#I was having that exact thought before I even opened Hulu to hit play

[genderfluidgothwitch]

Also, I made a realization today. Today was the first time EVER where I have officially been too stoned to watch a horror film

[momijis-sunglasses]

so in my post-first-two-episodes-of-furuba glow, I went home and watched the first episode of the 2001 anime again.

hoo boy.

it was FASCINATING.

it’s definitely become a little more common for the same story to receive multiple adaptations. but here we have two first episodes that cover the exact same chapter in the manga, end on the same story hook, and even have plenty of similar shots. but the overall impression and tone is incredibly different between the two. and it’s so revealing for why i’m optimistic about the new anime and have big issues with the 2001 adaptation.  

SPOILERS

-the 2019 anime has the huge benefit of knowing the entire story. starting out with a flashback to the bond first being created between god and the animals is a great idea. it gets a hint of the supernatural in there early for new viewers, and it’s giving you a visual metaphor (the ropes aka literal bonds) of one of the key themes of the series. the new anime is being made with the awareness of the rest of the series, and that’ll improve things so much. they’re already really teasing the hat, and even kyo’s beads. it’s nothing too overt, just little nudges at the viewer that serve as a fun thing for existing fans and ways to tease the mystery for new fans.

-the scene where Tohru first finds the house and meets Shigure have very, very similar scripts between both versions. and I wish I had the new version in front of me right now because I can’t provide specific examples of why this is -- but I was left with a much more natural impression from the new version. the directing is just better. I think the 2001 anime has the problem of being too abrupt constantly. it’s like nothing’s given room to breathe. in the new anime, there’s a really nice transition into a flashback (lots of flashbacks in this episode haha) using the wind chime at Shigure’s to one at Tohru and Kyoko’s apartment. and actually going into the apartment gives the whole flashback a better sense of place. this is also where it starts being really apparent how much more static the old anime is. i do think they generally did the best with what they had, but there are more pans over still frames and the characters expressions are usually flat. the new anime is 1000% more dynamic.

-which also contributes to the comedy! there’s the same funny “what do you have in there, a dictionary?”/”two dictionaries” gag in both, but it lands better in the new anime. it’s more background chatter than anything, actually, so it feels more like incidental funny dialogue. like these people just banter and bug each other on the reg. the 2001 anime makes everything more slapstick and over the top, and 2019 tones it back to something more naturalistic. which i’m happy about, because when i think fruits basket, i think dry humor more than anything.

-also! eric vale! i’ve never blamed him for this, but his performance is sooooo much better in the new anime. he was definitely a newer voice actor (like a lot of the cast) when the 2001 anime came out, but I blame a lot of the issues I had with his performance before on the voice directing. there are so many times in the old episode where Yuki sounds straight up creepy. i don’t know if they were going for mysterious, but they didn’t get there that’s for sure. he’s more regular and a bit suave in the new one, which makes sense for this part of the story. yuki’s just like.. a huge improvement between these two versions. I always felt like the director of the 2001 anime didn’t get Yuki at all. like he thought he was actually a prince and also just wanted to make a cool character so girls would swoon and buy merch or w/e. I just want Yuki to get his due as a character, dammit!

-if you haven’t watched the original in a while and have hulu or netflix, fire that shit up because the transition to school is sooooo bad. first the prince yuki fanclub and their weird chant thing... and then uo and hana’s introduction is also super abrupt and we’re just firing through these scenes real fast. the new one has the same events happen, but again, it’s more natural. no weird chant! the prince yuki club has just cornered tohru in a hallway and are berating her. a boy even walks past and is like, “yikes, bullying.” because it totally is! the timing on uo and hana to the rescue is a lot better. and i think because of that, it allows the comedy more time to develop so that’s it’s actually funny and not just confusing. also all three of them feel more like comfortable friends. like we’re witnessing their usual dynamic. since the 2001 director was always going for comedy, it almost feels more like an interrogation in the old version.

-THIS! CHANGE! IS SO IMPORTANT! so the 2001 anime races through tohru telling us why she’s living in a tent. lightspeed. we have time for the prince yuki fan club chant, but we can’t spend too much time establishing the drama of the situation. in the 2001 anime, we transition to a literal slideshow basically recreating panels from the manga while tohru monologues over it about how her mom died in an accident but she wound up with her grandpa and he asks her to go live with a friend for a while. we all know the story. the new anime, on the other hand, transitions to an actual flashback, not a still image, of tohru as a kid balancing a checkbook while she explains how her dad passed away and her mom had a tough time all by herself. it’s really sad! and it’s so much more effective to show her as an actual kid worrying about money stuff and making dinner. they also showed a heap of blood instead of a car hitting a wall to represent kyoko’s death, which... woof. and then we get an actual scene of her grandpa asking her if she can stay with a friend. which, again, gives us more time to actually feel the situation she’s in. but also works so well because he phrases it as an option for her. he says he’s worried she won’t be comfortable stuffed into a small house with a ton of people so she might be happier staying elsewhere for a while. and then tohru, OF COURSE, takes that consideration and goes to live in a tent. the transition (which is different between the two) to tohru cleaning up a storm at her job was also a moment of genuine, sweet comedy.

-yuki talking to tohru on the way home is kind of interesting, since the two adaptations treat it in kind of opposite ways? in the 2001 anime there’s that ~mysterious~ music while he tells her random zodiac facts and then silent tension (which I actually quite like) when he gives her that enigmatic “it’s not that i don’t like all cats” look. in the new one it’s a more normal conversation? like they’re just chatting. and then it turns when she realizes there’s something more to it and the music got pretty intense and there’s A Moment. i think it’s less outright sinister in the new one. seriously, i’m waiting for 2001 yuki to start monologuing about his master plan to take over the earth any time.

-shigure laughing at tohru’s tent is straight up funnier in the new one. the timing is better. also his continued laughter and yuki’s little “oh you’re done now?” was really well handled. that joke falls flat in the old version.

-and i don’t know how they do it because, again, these episodes have the same runtime and cover the same material, but this whole scene definitely feels like it takes it’s more time in the new anime. it’s not overstaying it’s welcome or anything. it’s punchy and funny and i loved seeing the characters play off each other. but even shigure opening the door to reveal the gross kitchen is given more of a beat to it, so you have a second to laugh. and him hearing the dog howling isn’t the most awkward thing you’ve seen anymore.

-since we’ve had more time to understand tohru’s situation and even her mom (kyoko is finally allowed to be herself and not Cliche Dead Mom!) through flashbacks in the new anime, tohru clawing at the dirt to get the picture of her mom is actually pretty heart-wrenching. you get it more. everything she has in the world is in that tent and she doesn’t have anything but pictures to remember her mom by. this is what i’m so excited about in the new anime. if you give more time to build motivations and drama, because you understand that’s important to storytelling, then the emotional parts will hit that much harder

-tohru telling shigure about the day her mom died! I've always loved this scene, because it's one of the few times Tohru actually opens up to someone (who's not Kyo :P)about feeling crappy. amazing what a fever can do. these two scenes are so interesting, because they're actually really similar. we get the exact same info, and some of the shots of tohru lying on the futon are basically identical. but once again, the 2001 anime does a lot more telling us what happened. some shots are obvious budget-saving measures, like an extended shot of the paper wall/door with tree shadows waving. (what room are they supposed to be in?? for some reason, I always thought that was the kitchen) (actually the reason was all the rats are behind that door) (you KNOW there are rats in that kitchen) the 2019 anime, on the other hand, goes back to those old reliable flashbacks. we get a repeated (and longer) shot of kyoko going out the door, and you realize as the scene goes on and tohru explains she didn't even wake up to see her leave that morning, that it's an imagined scene or a memory of another day. which is... oof. make me feel all those feelings, please. we also get more actual kyoko dialogue, which is always a good thing.

-I also love yuki showing up after she's fallen asleep, having overheard anything, and saying he could've left the sohma compound to live in a tent. uh, I mean, I love it in the manga and the new anime. I won't put this on the original production staff and more on the original English dub, but oh boy is yuki kind of petulant and whiny in that scene. he sounds very petty and jealous and I don't like it. he's definitely envious of her to a degree (and beating up on himself), but he's also pretty in awe I think. ANYWAY I felt the new dub fixed this, so I wasn't like, what's your problem, dude?

-yuki and the rats is still weird lol (honestly being able to "communicate" with their animal is dropped so damn fast in the manga. I only like it for the payoff of the birds running away from kureno.)

-actually, one of the only things I prefer in the 2001 anime is tohru waking up to her mom's photo right next to the futon. I love the idea of yuki setting it up there real quietly while she sleeps, knowing it's the thing she was most worried about. so cute! but one point for the new dub: i'm assuming tohru says "oka-san" when she wakes up. since it's three syllables and zoomed in on her mouth they've changed(?) it to "I miss you" in English and just stab me right through the heart why don't you!!

-it seems like everyone's saying this, but that staircase scene! it's not even really a scene. but I love it! a cramped little switchback-y staircase. this show is making me feel like i'm IN shigure's house. it's also shot cool, and the reveal of kyo in the tree is great. I love that it's not pointed out so obviously, and he's just there. (it'd be hard to miss him though)

-then of course we end on kyo jumping through the whole damn roof (he really blasts through it in 2019 haha) and everyone turning into animals. no huge differences, but I want to fast forward a little to talk about kyo. jerry jewell may be the member of the returning cast who sounds the most "similar" to his old rendition of the character, HOWEVER. there's a huge change in acting and vocal direction. it might seem like a small change, but it's not! it's really big! in the 2001 anime he jumps through that roof and says a punny line (it would take kyo 6 months to come up with that lbr) and rah-rah rages through the next few episodes when he's not acting sheepish. now he sounds much less like he's just angry and more like he BLURTS things. a thought comes into his head and BLURT it's out of his mouth. because of the increased range in emotional expression on all their faces, we can see that he seriously feels guilty and conflicted about being mean to tohru. like there is some depth there to be mined. it's so much more obvious that the people around him can easily push him to the point of blowing up, and that he doesn't feel in control of himself. I give major props to the animation team, the anime director, and the dub director (I would trust Caitlin Glass with my actual life at this point) for pulling this off. because it seems subtle! but it really is a big difference!

I used to be a pretty staunch believer that we DID NOT need another anime adaptation of fruits basket. I know a lot of people wanted it, but I really never did. I love the manga so much, and think it's masterfully done. after the original anime, I didn't want more of it. mostly, because I didn't trust anyone to do it right. a lot of the changes made by the original anime may seem "small" to many people, but what makes furuba so great to me IS all those tiny nuances. change a tiny detail, and you may have changed the whole feel of a scene or an important interaction. the manga is pretty quiet, for most of it's run. little moments build up to create a big, beautiful tapestry. so I was happy reading my manga over again and not worrying about anyone else ever touching it to bring it to moving color.

so i'd say I was likely to be a harsh judge. and I was really, REALLY impressed with what they accomplished. i'm sure there'll be some decision I disagree with later. they'll cut some scene I love or i'll disagree with the emphasis on something somewhere. but they've really built up a lot of goodwill with me. I LOVED watching these characters on screen and seeing them interact. seeing them all eat around the table together felt like coming home. like settling down for another furuba reread.

and it's all the stuff above that made me feel that way. seemingly little tiny details and differences. again, we're talking about the exact same story! it's told with almost the same lines and the same characters and many of the same jokes. but it really felt different, because of small changes. and a much better understanding of what furuba is.

[creationsofagingergirl]

One night

Kitty sat nervously on the couch. It'd been so long since they'd talked. She'd forced herself to forget about him once she realized that she'd fucked things up.

He'd messaged her out of the blue after adding her on snapchat.

One message; a simple "Hey." and all the feelings flowed back.

She was a different person now though, and so was he.

Eventually the conversation took a turn. She was once again thinking of his cock inside her, though this time she had some experience and knew what to expect.

"So have you gotten laid yet?" He asked. She honestly didn't know if she had or not. Not technically anyway. A few men had tried, but only one had pushed inside her tight cunt. He'd ended up pushing rope, so neither of them had gotten off.

She'd tried to explain this to him. Soon pictures had been exchanged along with fantasies and other things.

She sat on the couch on the day that she'd waited for, for so long, and she wondered if she wanted it after all. Could she be his friend with benefits or would her feelings fuck things up.

She went over things in her head as she waited for a message or a knock on the door.

Did she want this? Could she do it? What the fuck was happening anymore?

Suddenly a message, "I'm outside. Which apartment is yours?"

She answered without thinking. "I'll come stand outside."

She got up, her heart pounding in her chest as she fixed nonexistent knots in her hair. She went outside and saw his truck pull up. She waved and he waved back.

"Deep breaths...deep breaths..." she thought to herself. "we cant be too intense and scare him away."

They sat down, and as she looked at him, her decision was made. Right then, she knew that she wanted him as she looked him over from head to toe.

She knew then that she could push her shit down and convert it to carnal need. She wanted him to fuck the feelings and the need out of her and for him to leave her a puddle on her bed.

She watched him as he looked at her. She wanted so bad to take him to bed. She wanted to feel his beard in her neck and hear his growls as he slammed his cock home again and again.

"Hey." she said breaking a silence that seemed to last too long.

He mumbled "hey." and she could swear that he was worrying as well, over-analyzing everything in his head.

"s-s-so you wanna watch a m-m-movie or something?" she asked meekly. She almost winced as she stumbled over her words.

"whatever." he said eventually. "its up to you."

Kitty opened up Hulu. "you can pick something." she said meekly "you have better taste in movies than I do."

He picked something and kitty relaxed until he got up to hit the lights and came back to sit by her side.

Kitty shivered as he draped his arm over the back of the couch. After a few minutes, she felt him pull her to his side.

She rested her head on his shoulder and relaxed into him.

Eventually the movie got hot, the onscreen couple making out and tugging at each others cloths.

Kitty started to squirm and shift in her seat. Suddenly she felt his beard in her neck. She knew that he was feeling the same thing.

Kitty didnt know what to do. She forced back her anxiety and moved to kiss his neck. She figured she wasnt doing it right, and was surprised to hear a moan escape his lips.

She ran her hand slowly through his beard as she marked his neck. She'd always wanted to give someone a hickey. Her pussy got wetter knowing that she'd done it to him.

Slowly, it was like losing control of herself. Instinct and need keeping anxiety at bay.

She reached down to rub his cock through his pants and was surprised to find him hard.

"I must be doing something right." she mumbled as she pulled back for air.

He didnt answer only pressed his mouth to hers. She expected his kiss to be gross, like every man before, but he tasted good, and kitty found herself entwining her tongue with his.

"Mm. Thats good." he moaned as he broke the kiss. "Thats my good girl."

He had an idea how that would effect her and laughed when she moved to kiss his neck more.

He moaned as she moved to straddle his lap, and she pressed her lips to his kissing him deeper, pushing her tongue into his mouth.

She reached down to pull at his shirt when they once again broke for air. He took it off and moaned as she started kissing his chest, worshiping his body like a god's.

"If you dont go lower, I'm gonna lose control" he growled when she teased him kissing around his belt.

She giggled and made quick work of his pants and boxer briefs.

He moaned as she took him in her mouth giving him terrible but enthusiastic head. When she gagged herself on him he felt himself snap.

"get up!" he barked. Kitty quickly complied.

He turned her facing away from him and dropped her pants and panties to her knees. She moaned and felt herself grow wetter at the feel of cold air on her cunt.

"Thats a real pretty pussy." he growled as he made her bend over with her legs spread and touch the floor.  She moaned and whimpered as he started to tease her, fingering and teasing her tight slit.

"where's your toy?" he asked, his voice dark with arousal. "The one that you showed me."

"It's in my bedroom dresser." She whimpered. "Do you want me to go get it, sir?"

He stroked her pussy slowly as he might touch his beard while in thought. 

"Go get it." He said matter-of-factly, but leave your cloths here.

Kitty hesitated but complied and started to undress. She was embarassed by his gaze on her naked body. The lighting and the cold air of the room had her pussy wet and aching, but she didnt know why.

She went to get her toy, but stood at her dresser thinking of how the night could go.

Him clearing his throat pulled her from her thoughts. She ducked her head as he walked up to her side.

"Having second thoughts?" he asked, his voice hard and hot. Kitty didnt answer.

"i'm giving you a chance to bail out before things get intense." he said as he took hold of her chin and made her look at him. "We can stop this right now."

Kitty thought about it as he watched her with those intense blue-green eyes.

"I want this." she said eventually "I dont wanna bail."

She handed him her toy and he took her hand and lead her to the living room.

She was surprised to find herself over his knee and she jumped as he swatted her on the ass. Kitty didnt know why the pain made her pussy ache. She felt like something was wrong with her, but at that exact moment, she didn't really give a fuck.

"You dont hesitate when I tell you what to do." he said sternly, before slapping her on the ass two more times.

Kitty whimpered "Yes, sir." without having to think.

She moaned as he started playing with her pussy again, getting it even wetter before slipping the toy inside her. 

He fucked her with it slowly till she was pushing back against his hand.

"Please, sir, I want your cock inside me." she whimpered. She was overcome with need.

"We're just getting started." he growled "Does my good girl need to cum?"

Kitty only whimpered in response.

"On your knees" he growled and kitty was quick to comply.

He pulled her up, her back to his chest and reached down to touch her cunt.

"good girl." he growled as she wrapped her arms up around his neck.

He rubbed her clit quickly as he fucked her with her toy. She came hard her legs shaking as she gasped and held onto his neck.

He didnt stop. He kept going making her cum again and again till she begged him to stop.

He moaned as he pulled her up into his lap. She couldnt stand up. Her legs felt like jelly. They kissed roughly moaning and grasping at each other till she slipped from his arms having regained her strength.

She dropped to her knees and started touching his cock teasing him till he made her stop, and he picked her up in his arms. He took her to her room where he made quick work of his remaining cloths. He put her on her back and moved between her thighs.

She spread her legs wide for him and masturbated as he found a condom and put it on.

She whimpered as he ran his cock up and down between her pussy lips lubing himself in her juices before lining himself up to push into her sheath.

She winced as he pushed in. He hurt, but not near as bad as men before. He buried himself inside her and it soon started to feel good. She whimpered as he started to thrust inside her fucking her slow and easy at first letting her adjust to his thick cock. She could feel the restraint in his muscles before he started to pick up pace eventually pounding into her again and again.

They came hard moaning and swearing as her pussy gripped him tight and he shot his load into the condom. They held onto each other as they came down from a shared bliss.

He rolled eventually to his side and immediatly fell asleep, waking an hour later to Kitty's mouth on his cock.

"You wanna go again, so soon?" he asked sleepily. Kitty didnt answer, she only moved up his body and impaled herself on his cock.

"please dont cum." she whimpered as she road him "i want your load in my mouth."

She road him hard setting a rythm that had them both close to the edge. He fought to keep from cumming as she came, her pussy gripping his cock. It took all he had to keep from following her over the edge.

She moved quickly to take him in her throat. He face fucked her into his orgasm, screaming profanity as he shot his load.

He thought she'd mad at him for being so rough, but she only smiled and swallowed as she curled up at his side.

"I know you cant stay the night, sir, but can we cuddle a bit?"

He noticed her meek tone. Her anxiety had returned, and she was unsure of what to do. He knew that he should, but something in him wouldnt let him say no.

"Just for a bit." he said gently. "I gotta be up tomorrow morning to go to work."

Kitty smiled and nodded. Within an hour, she was asleep and he was gone.

[angry-fishy8]

A story that'll never be published

I remember that night. We talked till the sun came up and you kissed me. Not like I was wanting or the kind you were hoping, but I think that's when we finally learned that there was something. I don't think I wanted to admit it, and neither did you,  so we kind of just forgot about that night. I mean why would we? I was plain and you were Mr. Fourteen. I gave up on closing myself because you told me to open up. God, looking at it, we were so stupid. But I'm not saying that being angry. I'm saying that with a huge smile on my face." +

I don't remember when I fell asleep but I woke up around three. Tyler still wasn't there so it made me worried. Are you really that mad at me? I just wanted to sleep but my brain wouldn't shut off. +

I grabbed one of Tyler's hoodies and grabbed a blanket. I didn't have an exact place where I wanted to go, but I didn't want to be in the hotel right now. I know I could've just went to talk to Brooklynn, but she'd just tell me off. +

When I had gone outside, the crisp fall air hit my legs before anywhere else. I guess shorts were a mistake. +

While I was walking I was replaying everything that happened today. Why would Tyler be so mad just because he pushed me away? I mean I guess in hind sight what I said after didn't really help. +

"I promised I wouldn't hurt you and that wasn't enough!" +

"It was!" I yelled. +

"Are you sure? Because everyone thinks that I'm the one trying." +

"What am I supposed to do, I told you I didn't want to ruin our friendship! Here we are! And here you are getting ready to leave." I grab his coat and threw it at him. "Do it, like everyone else." +

"Kate, this is just you worrying." he said calmingly. +

"GO! I DON'T CARE ANYMORE!" +

"Is that what you really want?" +

"You're gonna do it anyways! Might as well let me do it on my terms." I cried. "Because that's what you want right? To leave? It's obvious, you've wanted that for a while." I looked away while he stepped closer. "Leave." +

He stood there for a moment. +

"I really did love you." +

I could feel everything crumble. After a while of not responding, he left. And everything I had to offer did too. +

I sat down at the park where Mrs. K and us talked. I just sat staring at the stars waiting for something to happen. +

"Kate, sweetie, it's time for school." I heard my mom sit on the opposite side of my bed. "You've been here all weekend." +

I didn't pull the covers from my head but I'd been awake the entire night. +

"Bumblebee." I whispered. +

"Are you sure?" She put her hand on my leg rubbing it. "It's the last one for the semester." +

"Yes please." +

"I'll call the school and tell them you've been sick all weekend. You have your concert tonight though." She kissed my head. "Don't let this bring you down." +

Brooklynn: You left me alone all weekend and now? +

Kate: We broke up. +

She didn't reply. And I stayed awake just watching my wall. That was enough. +

There was a shooting star and that's what pulled me from my thoughts. I laughed. +

Story continues below

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By isabelleronin

150M 4.8M

Chasing Red will be published in September and Always Red in November 2017! Available in ebook and paperback on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, iBooks and Google Play. Links on my profile :) * When cynical straight-A college student Veronica Strafford gets kicked out of her apartment, notorious basketball player Caleb Lockhart offers her a place to stay. Intensely drawn to her, Caleb wants something for the first time in his life and pursues her. But Veronica's painful past is catching up to her, and her heart might just be the one thing Caleb can't win. * I'm the last thing she wants in her life. She keeps expecting me to disappoint her, to leave, but I'm here to stay. She owns me. It's as simple as that. She was fire and I wanted her to burn me. Like a moth to a flame, I could not resist. She was broken. A puzzle that was missing a few pieces. Maybe I'd carve my own pieces to complete her. They said she was going to be my ruin. ...then let her ruin me. WARNING: This story contains mature scenes and features another couple. Enter at your own risk. Chasing Red. Copyright © 2014. All Rights Reserved.

"You weren't even that special." I whispered. +

"There'll be a day you can say you're okay and mean it." I sang. Secret for the mad by Dodie was the one thing that helped me when I was down. +

"I promise you, it'll all make sense again." +

"That's the song you want to sing for Senior Night?" Mrs. K asked. +

"Why not?" I laughed. +

"It just doesn't seem like you, I mean it fits your vocal tone beautifully, and the vibrato in your voice is lovely with it." +

"But?" +

"Sweetie." She patted my arm, "We can talk if you want." +

"I know." I fake smiled. "I think when I'm fully ready, you'll be the first person I'll talk to you. I promise." +

"Alright then, I'll remember that." she smiled. "How's college searching?" +

"I found a great culinary arts school." +

"Culinary Arts? Like your father?" +

"Through everything he put me through, our best memories are cooking." I played with my ring finger. "It's all I know." +

"And music sweetie." +

"Yeah, but I'll never be good enough for that," +

"I thought the same thing once. And here I am" +

I smiled. That was the best memory between us. I mean there are a million great memories, but the one on one moments are the best. +

"Kate?" I heard Tyler say. +

I covered up in the blanket more as he sat by me. +

"What are you doing here?" +

"I couldn't sleep." I said looking up at the stars. "Never seems to shut off when I want it to." +

"Same." He whispered. +

"I think I owe you an apology." +

"For?" +

"I'm not sure." +

"Then don't" he said sweetly. "Don't do that to yourself. If you said sorry for every time I did something wrong, then you'll never trust me." +

"But what did you do?" +

"What did you do?" +

"I let you leave and didn't talk it out with you." +

He laughed. "I didn't want you to feel obligated to. If you need space that's what I'm more than happy to give you." +

"Wait." +

"Yes that's why I left." he wrapped his hands around his legs. "What were you thinking about that couldn't make you sleep." +

I laughed. "Seeing Mrs. K today and talking about my fidget just made some unhappy memories pop up." +

"Like Alec?" +

"Yeah." He didn't respond so I pushed myself. "Is there anything you really want to know about my past?" +

He looked up at me but I didn't turn towards him. +

"Uhm no not really." +

"Come on, I won't lie." +

"Okay. Why do you play with your ring finger?" +

"Ahh the basics." I laughed, "I caught it when I first met Alec. He used to comment on how I would be a "beautiful bride". It was basically his way of trying to have me open up. Our friends would call him future husband and after a while we'd laugh about it. The first time he'd ever held my hand, he grabbed my hand and played with my ring finger." I started to rub it. "For Christmas, he bought me a little ring to put on it so I had something to play with. It was the first time he'd shown that he liked me. I always thought it was a game with him." +

Story continues below

"So you didn't trust him when you first met him?" +

"No," I looked at the stars, "I didn't really like trusting guys." +

"Why?" +

"My dad." I grinned, "How cliché? The one guy who should give me unconditional love and make me think I'm really beautiful, actually made me think the opposite." +

"Did he ever-" +

"No, all emotional trauma. If I wore something tight fitting, he'd call me too fat. If I wore makeup it was too much. If I was asked out, he'd ask who'd ask me out. After a while I started to wear long sleeved shirts and pants every day. Even in the summer. Then my sophomore year, I didn't eat, and he'd tell me off. Asking why am I taking the easy way out. How is starving yourself to a certain image the easy way out? I had started to get so bad, I fainted in certain times. Basically anything he saw wrong with me, I saw wrong with myself times ten." +

"Oh." Was his only response. +

"Next question?" +

"Uhm, do you ever think you could fall in love again?" +

My heart stopped. "Sometimes I wonder that myself. But then I ask am I really capable of it?" +

"What do you mean?" +

"Like, I love seeing people in love. It's beautiful. Not just the honeymoon stage, but when you see a couple and know, yeah they fight, but they choose to give each other space, to think about if the fight was important or not. Then they pretend it didn't happen or they move passed it. It makes them stronger. It's like the strongest friendship, but more. I see that and I think, am I capable of that?" +

"And?" +

"I mean that's what we did." I didn't look at him but I saw from the corner of my eye that his mouth slightly opened. "I'm not saying I'm in love with you, but I'm also not saying I wouldn't be able to." +

"With me?" +

"With anyone." His jaw clenched. "The idea of opening up to someone scares me." I continued. "Think of it, if the men who are supposed to love you, support you, treat you with respect and dignity, if they chose to do the opposite, could you learn to love or even fathom the idea of it?" +

"I have." It was his turn. "My mom, we have a strange relationship, it's nothing like you and your dad, but it's close. She blamed me for my sister getting sick, when we first found out, and when I wanted to come and listen to what the doctors had to say, she'd just tell me no. She'd blame me for it." +

"I'm so sorry.." +

"Well after awhile I gave up on our relationship, how can you blame someone who had no iea what was going on?" +

"You can't." +

"But she did." his voice broke. "I think that's why I have such a strange relationship with girls, "Jennifers and Carries" they make it easy. Because I can shut it down. I can just refuse to get close to them, and they'll take a hint. Other than my sister, I've never had a strong connection with woman." +

"So you're scared." I said silently. "Of being hurt again. Of trying to jump and not knowing if that person is going to catch you or just leave." +

We didn't say anything for a while. But I took his hand. It wasn't in the romantic sense. I wanted him to know I'm willing to catch him if he was willing to do the same. Neither of us knew how to connect with someone of the opposite sex, and just grabbing his hand, it was the first step. +

"Together," I started. "I want us to take baby steps together." +

"In a romantic way?" +

I laughed, "No bozo, in a platonic way. Neither you nor I have any real sense on trust. you preach to me about dating but you've yet to notice we're in the same boat." I nudged him. "So why not take the same ride and see where we go." +

"As friends?" +

"As friends." +

"And if one day, one of us decides we want something more?" he squeezed my hand but he couldn't tell he was squeezing my heart too. +

"Then the other one has to be just as ready." I looked at him. "Deal?" +

"Is this your idea of asking me out in the future?" +

"No." I smiled noticing he was leaning in closer. "Because neither of us know if this'll work." +

"I have a pretty good idea that it will." He said inches from my face. Just before I could pull away he kissed me on the forehead. "When you're ready." He whispered. +

We sat there for a moment looking at each other and for a moment I could feel every negative thought drift away. He smiled and it made me smile just as wide. +

"There you are!" I heard a female voice squeal and I jumped away from him. "Tyler you forgot your key in my car." +

"Oh uhm thanks Lacey." He coughed. +

"Who's this?" we asked in unison. +

"Oh Lacey this is Kate the friend I told you about, Kate this is Lacey, I met her in a bar on my walk." +

And all the bad thoughts were back but they weren't about me. No they were about Lacey and Tyler. He looked at me and under the blankets squeezed my hand. +

"Pleasure meeting you Lacey." I smile letting go of Tyler's hand and getting up, "I guess you two should continue getting to know each other." +

"Are you his girlfriend?" The young blonde asked. +

"No." Tyler said before I could, "We're just friends." +

"Then why is she wearing a hoodie with your last name?" She pointed her hand at me. +

"Believe it or not friends share clothes." I laugh taking it off and handing it to her. "Believe me when I say, if he remembered your name after a while, you've got no threat from me. I'm just a friend." I strained. "Anyways, I need to pack, I've gotta get back to Pueblo tomorrow." +

Tyler stood up and grabbed my hand, "But we weren't supposed to go back till Monday." +

"Silly me, I forgot I put in a three day weekend." I smiled. "Again it was nice meeting you Lacey, you're in great hands with him." +

And I walked back to the hotel without my blanket, his hoodie, or a clear mind. +

"Stupid." I whispered to myself

[mi-vista]

fidelito__o

Well, here’s to another sleepless night lol

For some reason no matter how hard I have tried this past year, I have NOT been able to get Fidel out of my head. Every night, the same shit.

Ever since I wrote him that letter, actually.

Fidel is something special. I was asked today “what did you like about him? Like what made you like him so much?” That really got me thinking. I couldn’t even give a straight answer. I liked everything about him. The way he carries himself, his persona, his look on life, his mentality, his heart, his dick lol, even his big ass nose with the little mole on it. There wasn’t just one thing that I liked about him. I liked him plain and simple. I knew I liked him before we started having sex. I can tell you the exact moment I knew I wanted to fuck him too. We were just chillen laying in my bed. I was faced the other way “sleeping” and he was on the opposite side knocked out. A million nasty things were going through my mind just knowing he was right there next to me... I was wet. I was wet for freakin Fidel. I texted my friend something like “omg I’m like really wet over Fidel rn. I’m just laying here and I couldn’t help myself” I know, I’m nasty lol. Sue me.

Mind you (mini back story), when I first met Fidel ummmm he was an asshole. The first time I really ever hung out with him, he walked into the room and legit stated something like “Hey you guys my name is Fidel and I’m an asshole” so I mean, he kinda lived up to it. (I will give him that this was in high school and homeboy was like 16. But still lol.) There are some things that Fidel doesn’t really know that I remember about him. Like there was this one time we were hanging out at our mutual friends house (this was like around our junior year or something like that) and he openly bragged about having a girlfriend AND fucking some tutor from another school. I know that in that same relationship, his gf cheated on him as well. His most recent ex-girlfriend and his relationship was uuhhh how you say, toxic. Point of this is, he’s an asshole & sometimes I really do question myself but... hear me out.

I didn’t know Fidel at the time. I had never really had a meaningful conversation with him so he didn’t really impact me. Until 2017. Fidel and I have the same group of friends. Fidel’s best friend is actually my best friend as well; and we are our best friend’s, best friends (if that makes sense lol). To make it a little simpler, Fidel and I have the same best friend. Somewhere towards fall of the year 2016, he and I began conversating a bit more that we usually did. We started talking about music, artist, life, perspectives, aliens, politics, sex, the future, marriage, weed, acid, drugs, brainwashing, name it, we talked about it. If we hadn’t talked about it yet, that’s a conversation that awaits. Somehow it always felt like we were just in sync. Just always on the same page. Even when we weren’t, there wasn’t even an issue, we’d just discuss what we wanted and came to a solution. Thought there was one thing that we did have an issue speaking on... our feelings.

Like I said earlier, I knew I liked Fidel before we even started having sex. We were hanging out in my dads backyard one night just talking about life and smoking some weed. We’re we’re just kinda on the topics of ourselves & talking about our personality and the way we are. He looked at me and said something along the lines of “you know Yulissa you’re really cool” and I replied “you’re pretty freakin cool too Fidel” and we just kinda smiled at each other and continued with our conversations. In that time I sat there and thought to myself “damn I really like this dude.” I know so romantic, right lol. I’m a simple girl though, if I’m feeling you, I’m feeling you. It doesn’t have to be complicated. But boy did it get complicated.

In the span of about 7 months after actually befriending him, Fidel ended up renting out a room at my grandmas place. Our best friend was moving out of his place and Fidel wasn’t able to move out with them and it just so happen that there was a vacant room. If he didn’t end up living with at my grandmas house, he would have to move to Arizona. None of us wanted him to move out there, including himself. So he moved in and boy did we really get to know each other.

Fidel and I were just friends. We talked about the girls he was flirting with, we would talk about the guys that would flirt with me. I would even give him advice here and there on things he should say to get girls lol. Then one day, I just kinda started looking at him differently. It mostly started when we started following each other here on Tumblr. I would repost some kinky shit and he would like it and vice versa. Now we both were kinda playing this little “game” I guess. Mind you we would hang out a lot even before he moved in and we followed each other long before he moved in, so this little “game” had been going on for a little while now. One day he came over to my house and mentioned a couple of my kinky posts from tumblr to which I replied “mmm no, we don’t talk about tumblr *lol*” from then on, we never really talked about it but we both knew what’s up.

I specifically remember this one post that I think is what really took us to the next level. It was a picture post of a couple text messages. The person replying said “I don’t want to ruin our friendship but I really want to fuck you” to which the other text replied “Ruin it.” Fidel liked that repost of mine. From then on, it was on.

When Fidel moved in, I spent a lot of time upstairs. We would smoke, watch Netflix or Hulu off my chrome cast and just hang out. I got in this bad habit of falling asleep in his bed and waking up at like 6:00am and dragging my ass downstairs back to my bed. A few hours later either I would wake up to a good morning text or he’d wake up to a good morning text, we would get ourselves situated, hit the gym, grab some food to eat, shower, and go to work. We had our little routine. It was really nice 💕.

One night, as I normally did, I fell asleep in his bed. He was laying next to me and outta no where he just started playing with my hair. It felt good. He got up, went to the restroom & came back. I was like half awake & he asked me if I wanted to lay normally like horizontally on the bed. I agreed, layed down and got comfy. When I tell you, I don’t know what came over me. I do not know what came over me lol but I was just laying there, thinking a million nasty things that I wanted to do. So my ballsy ass starts lightly touching him. Stroking my fingers along his ribs, stomach, hips, pelvis, until I reached his dick and lightly started feeling on it. Boy did I like what I felt. He chuckled and said “I knew you were trying to play with me” I giggled and replied “I’m not just trying to play with you” he paused and we talked for a minute. He asked me what I was thinking and kinda what my intentions were. I just told him that I didn’t want to think. I just kinda wanted to do. I don’t really think he liked my response too much, but I didn’t want to scare him off with my feelings. I was pretty insecure about myself and I didn’t want him to know how deep my feelings for him really ran. A part of me also didn’t want to get hurt in the case that he didn’t feel the same. So I put up an emotional wall lol. What I REALLY wanted to say was something like “Idk I just really like you and I want to see where this goes” or even “You’re something different and I just want to show you how much I like you.” But that didn’t happen. So we ended up laying there for a minute he asked if I would just want to cuddle, I agreed and we layed there for a minute. Then I started playing with my tongue ring a little bit. Sliding it across my teeth. He then says “Maybe you could just taste me?” I asked if he was sure... he was sure lol. I sat up, pulled off his shorts, his boxers and licked his dick all over. In the midst of his moaning, I looked at him and said “I want you to fuck me,” “oh yeah?” He asks, I nodded yes. He lays me down, back on the bed, feet in the air, knees to my ears. He slides his dick into my wet pussy. I had never felt so good in my life. I could feel him, all of him. Stroking back and forth. Fuck he felt so good. My toes were curling, my guys we’re rearranging, my heart was pounding, my body temperature was rising, I was cumming. He had to cover my mouth just so I wouldn’t wake up the house. I was a loud one.

We finished, we got up and got ourselves situated. Before we started up, we set a couple of rules. I set the whole,

No kissing

No touching

No cuddling rules

He set the whole,

No spending the night

No falling in love rules

We accepted and continued on.

We had a good arrangement, I can’t really explain what happened after that. We had A LOT of fun and a lot of sex. This went on for a few months. In this time span, he was still texting other girls, flirting with other girls and I was texting and flirting with other guys as well. We were still playing this weird tumblr game. I was also kinda trying to send him some subtle messages on my blog to hint that I had feelings for him. It was a weird and bit confusing time. One day I just kinda had enough. We would have pretty good sex but I wasn’t able to totally open myself up sexually with him because of the fact that I wasn’t really like “his girl.” There were things that I wanted to do to and for him but we had set rules and boundaries. Also, Fidel was on the fence about moving back home to Arizona, so even if he did reciprocate those feelings, that would be a whole other conversation about a long distance relationship that I know I can’t have with him. With anyone really. I need my man to be within driving distance when I need him. So I ended the sex.

After already leaving the house, I had come back because I had forgotten something in my room. I knocked on his door and walked up, I told him that I needed to talk to him real quick. I asked him if he had feelings for me, he looked at me nervously, scratched the back of his head and replied uhh, no” I say “okay cool, just wanna make sure.” He questions me & I say to him, “I think we should end this.” He seemed confused and asked “end what?” I said, “the sex” he looked at me nervously, hand scratching the back of his head and calmly says “oh, why didn’t you just say that?” I explained that I didn’t really know how to say it and I have never been in a situation like this before. I just wanted to acknowledge his feelings and just wanted everything to be cool. I asked if we were good, he said we were good & we went back to being friends for a little, sorta.

He started fucking around with other girls after, still texting and flirting with other chicks. I was wildin out too, messing around with other guys, going on dates and stuff. But somewhere within all that there was still something between us.

I ended the sex for a handful of reasons.

1. He wasn’t my man

2. He was moving to Arizona

3. We were playing games

4. We both didn’t want a relationship in the beginning

5. I wanted to make sure my feelings were real for him even without the sex.

I remember the day I fell in love with Fidel as if it were yesterday. My mom and I had plans to spend the day in Rosarito, MX. I was thinking about inviting Fidel with us but I didn’t know if my mom wanted it to be like a mommy/daughter day or whatever so I didn’t mention it. My mom actually mentioned inviting him and I agreed and asked if he was busy that day. Fortunately, he was available. We picked him up and went off for the day. We get to Mexico, run some errands, drink some drinks, eat some good food, and somehow we end up on some campground in between Rosarito & Popotla. They have a bar there so Fidel and I get a drink. We’re getting a little tour of the camp ground and we drive up to these private fancy cabins they have on the highest part of the campground. We’re walking through the room and the guide says something in Spanish like “yeah there are fun things to do up here” i thought to myself “yeah this be a dope place to fuck” and then Fidel says out loud to himself “this would be a dope place to fuck” I looked back at him shocked and said “ I was literally thinking the same exact thing rn omg” and we just looked at each other and started giggling. We started walking back to the car and I just kinda stared at him for a moment. The sun was hitting his face right. He was holding that beer bottle pretty sexy like and in that moment I just felt so much love for that man. I looked at him and smiled, he smiled back. The rest of the day was just awesome. We were all listening and singing to Latino music and just having a great time. My mom dropped us off at my pops place and we sobered up, smoked a bowl and we’re just hanging there for a minute. It was quiet but like a comfortable quiet. Then he just started playing this really old, like 50’s love song. (Mind you, music was our thing. That was a way that we both expressed our emotions. Music was our emotional outlet) In my peripheral vision I could see him looking at me. I was really nervous and didn’t know what to do. So I did nothing. I starred downward and spun my phone back and forth. I will admit. In my mind, he just said that he loves me. A minute later he asks me if I am still down to hit the gym, I gladly say yes and we got to the gym.

About a week after that, we were in a weirder place. It’s like there was something that we needed to talk about but never did. I really wanted to talk about it tho. I couldn’t find the balls to do it. So I wrote him a letter.

Yes, there is physical proof out there of my love for Fidel *heavy sigh*

In the letter I explained to him pretty much everything that I explained in this post, give or take some stuff. I told him how much he truly meant to me, when I first realized I liked him, when I first realized I loved him, and how deep my love runs for him.

The letter was really more for me that it was for him. I had a history of bottling up my emotions, especially when it comes to guys that I am interested in or have feelings for. I tend to just keep them to myself and watch the guy I love be with another girl. I couldn’t do that this time though. I had to say something. So I folded up the letter put it in an envelope and left it on his chair in his room. To top it off, I have it to him on my 20th birthday. I know right. It’s my birthday and I’ll cry if I want to lol. Which I did.

He opened it.

We distanced ourselves from each other.

He picked a date to move back to Arizona.

September 21st, 2017 was our best friends 21st birthday gold theme party. I’m a procrastinator so I didn’t pick out my outfit til the day of. And when I tell y’all I looked GOOD I looked freakin good lol. I tweaked the color a little and threw on some Rose Gold pulled up to the party looking fly as fuck. When I walked into the party, I was like the highlight of the night lol everyone was coming up to me so excited to see me and what not. I kinda felt like a little celebrity lol. I look over to the beer pong tables and there’s Fidel playing beer pong with some rando girl. Instantly killed my mood. I didn’t even say hi to him cause I was being petty lol. Go play with you little gf *shrugs*. I was heated tho lol.

Quick backstory, there’s this dude that worked at 24 Hour Fitness with my best friend. His name is Max and Max is fine. Okay he is fine. Max and I had a little vibe going on, for a little while too but we never really got too into it lol.

Okay, continuing now.

I’m saying hi to everyone and I say what’s up to this guy Max. We’ve flirted here and there before and I have mention in front of Fidel and friends that he is fine and that he can get it lol but I wasn’t really all that serious. I mean he could but I’m not that easy haha. Anyway, I didn’t say hi to Fidel so once I got seated and comfortable he actually came up and said hi to me. Gave me a little kiss on the cheek talked for a sec then I did my own thing. At some point I ended up with my girly friend at the little buffet table of snacks they had out and I was up there munchin on some chips when Max approaches me. We start up a light conversation. Talking about him and how he’s doing. When Fidel RUDELY walked right in between Max and I in the midst of our conversation. Max & I looked at each other like “okay...” and continued the conversation. Throughout the night, Max and I were eyeing each other and talking it up here and there. By the end of the night, I was standing off on my own for a second and he approaches me again. Slides his hand behind my lower back and asks me what I’m going to be up to after the party. I look up and Fidel is right off the the side of us. Just kinda staring. I look at Max, respond with “nothing much, I need another drink though” I walked off, went it to the garage to grab another drink and contemplated on what my next move was. I walked back out and just stuck with my friend for the rest of the night lol. The night was ending and I’m saying my good byes to everyone. I run into Fidel and make sure he’s good with a ride home and if he wanted any food or anything. He’s good.

October 2017.

We’re at our best friends, family’s Halloween party. I finally pull up to the party, everyone hyped to see me lol. We have an awesome night partying being drunk. Shit pops off, Andre is wildin. We calm the beast down and it’s time for me and Fidel to head home. My mom finally picks us up and we’re heading back to the house. We’re almost home when Fidel asks me if I have a spare key to his room. Apparently he had left his at our friends house. I let him know I didn’t have it and he says “it’s okay, I’m not going to be staying the night at home anyway.” My heart dropped. I got quiet. We got home. I went inside and then decided I wanted to smoke a little bowl, so I went back outside and Fidel followed. I packed us a couple bowls. We smoked and he says “I got your letter”

He told me that my letter was “cute” and that he loves me just “not in that way” and that he cares a lot about me. I put my emotional wall up and told him that it’s okay and that I won’t make him feel bad for it. Which I never feel like I did. I told him the letter was mostly for me to finally be able to express my feelings instead of keeping them bottled up. He understood. I told him how much he truly meant to me. Even then, I didn’t get to say everything I wanted to but I did the best I could in the emotional state I was in. For fucks sake I was drunk off my ass and high as a fuckin kite. I was a mess lmao. Anyway, the chick that he’s spending the night with pulls up to pick him up. He goes inside to grab his things, comes back out. As I’m going inside he stops me, gives me the absolute biggest hug and says to me “I love you” I hug him tighter. We smile at each other and continue on. The next day, he packed all his shit and moved to Arizona.

Fin.