#I was really dreading sending an update to my advisor but now I’ve got a good framework to say hey we need to talk

[horatiocomehome]

sat down and talked with my parents and my dad is the one with ADHD and it turns out he’s had almost exactly the same problems as me so I was able to work out an idea for how to move forward so I don’t feel so stuck anymore I’m very happy

[delos-mio]

Silver Screen - Part 7

A/N: It’s a little bit shorter of a chapter, sorry, but a necessary bridge between the first and second half of the story. let me know what you think!!

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My love,

I hope everything is going well with you. I do hope you’ll write me back, though I understand if you don’t. You can send a letter back with the raven- he knows what to do.

My people have been adjusting well to our new planet. It’s odd to see everyone together in a place that’s not Asgard, but I feel like it’s going as well as can be expected. Lately, I’ve been trying to find people I can trust to serve as advisors or a council of sorts. When I came back, I thought I’d come back to familiar faces, to be able to turn to someone I trusted. But realizing I have no one to serve alongside me has made this an incredibly lonely experience.

How have you been, hjarta mítt? What sort of trouble have you been up to since I last saw you?

I miss you more than I could possibly put into words. I wish every minute of every day that I could hold you again. What I would not give to see your smile and find comfort in your presence right now. It’s been hard to be apart from you- I’m hoping you’re not as lonely as I am.  I love you with everything I have in me.

All my love,

Thor

When the raven first landed on your window sill with a sealed scroll, you immediately knew what it was. You had been both longing for and dreading this day for weeks. A huge part of you was desperate to hear from Thor, to imagine his voice and smile as he updated you on how things were going in Asgard. But every time you thought about it, you were reduced to tears. The wound he left was still open and raw, so seeing that little piece of parchment made your heart clench. After you’d finished reading, you held the letter tight to your chest and let out a fresh wave of sobs. You took a few deep breaths before steadying your hand and pulling out your own piece of paper. When you started, you had an idea of what you wanted to say, but once pen touched paper, your stream of consciousness took over and you just scribbled down everything that came to mind.

Hey handsome,

Everything’s been…ok, I guess. You know what- no, it hasn’t.

Work is dull and then I come home to an empty apartment. Every time I open my door, there’s a part of me that still believes I’ll see your smiling face when I look inside. But then the weight of my loneliness crushes me all over again. I stopped working at the theater Thursday night because it just got too painful. I went the first week and once again after that. I kept hoping you’d walk through those front doors and sweep me off my feet like you did the first time. But that kept not fucking happening and I couldn’t keep torturing myself like that. I hope you’re not disappointed in me.

On the good days, I get to help Billie with wedding crap. Which makes me just feel kind of empty, you know? Maybe you don’t. Maybe that doesn’t make any sense. I’m so excited for her and Tom and I’m happy to help but I guess it only reminds me that you’re not here anymore. And that I don’t know if I’ll ever see the man I love again, none the less spend the rest of my life with him. God, that sounds so selfish. But I guess I also can’t help how I feel.

I’m sure you’re doing a wonderful job. If there’s anyone I trust to lead a group of people, it’s you. You are compassionate and brave and honest- listen to your heart when you’re making decisions and I know you’ll make the right choice. Don’t forget I’ll always back you up, no matter what.

All this to say, I miss you too. A hell of a lot. And I love you even more than that.

I hope you’ll write again soon,

Hjarta mítt

It had been a month since you sent that letter. A month of waiting up by the window. A month of worrying that Thor had found a suitable queen and no longer loved you. A month of sulking even though you couldn’t really share with anyone why you were so irritable. As much as you missed him with your entire being, you were livid he hadn’t found time to write you back. Yes, he was trying to rebuild an entire civilization; you knew that. And you really did try your best to remind yourself of that, but your anger bubbled every time you looked over and saw his first letter resting on your nightstand.

Billie’s wedding was the next morning and you were trying to get to bed early. Tomorrow was no doubt going to be one of the best days of your life, watching your best friends say ‘I do’, but it would also be the longest. While marriage wasn’t yet on the table for you and Thor, it served as a reminder that you’d never be able to know if it ever would be. Just as you were tucking yourself in, you heard a tap against the glass of your bedroom window. The raven was back again with a new scroll. You leapt out of bed and angrily threw the window open, snatching the letter from him and pointing your finger at the black bird.

“You stay right here! I’ll give you something to bring back,” you muttered as you unrolled the page.

My love,

I’m sorry for the delay in my response. Please don’t think it’s because I didn’t want to talk to you or that I didn’t miss you anymore- I promise that’s not true.

Being a King is not at all what my father promised. I don’t feel noble and I don’t feel like I am serving my people as best as I can. It’s all so complex and tiring. I am afraid of letting Asgard down and of becoming a blemish the legacy of my family. I appreciate you trying to lift my spirits- you are the sunshine in my life, even when everything seems cloudy.

Most days, I’m not sure that I can do this without you. I need you so much more than I ever realized. It was foolish of me to think I could do this on my own. I only ever wanted to protect you and I couldn’t live with myself if I were to burden you, but shit, I could really use you right now.

I wish I could be there for you just as I wish you could be here for me. I know you’re probably mad at me, and I don’t blame you in the slightest. All I can do is ask for your forgiveness and pray that I’ll hear from you soon.

I love you hjarta mítt.

Tears flooded your eyes, hot and angry. You were so mad at him still but now you were angrier with yourself. Your heart also hurt for him. The last thing you wanted was for him to feel insecure about the job he was doing and run himself ragged worrying about you instead of his people. Everything you had wanted to say when you first saw the raven was now gone from your brain. All you could think about now was how stupid it was that you were both being too stubborn to ask for what you really needed. In that moment, you threw caution to the wind and wrote down the only thing that was pulsing in your heart.

Thor, I need you. Please.

-----

You hadn’t gotten nearly as much sleep as you planned on. All night, you tossed and turned thinking about when Thor would get your letter, if he would care, and most importantly, if he would do anything about it. Billie texted you bright and early that the bridal party was outside and waiting. You quickly grabbed the bag you’d packed the night before. You promised yourself no tears today until I Do and those would only be tears of joy. This was Billie’s day and as maid of honor, you were going to do everything in your power to make it perfect.

Billie sat next to you as you both got your hair done. She was already glowing and her energy was radiating, already lifting your spirits. But when she looked at you, a tiny frown formed on her lips.

“I’m sorry, babe,” she said quietly, trying to keep the conversation between you two.

“There’s nothing to be sorry about. Today is going to be amazing and you’re going to leave here as Mrs. Schwartz!” you smiled wide at her, but you knew it never reached your eyes.

“You’re my best friend and I’m so happy you’re doing this with me. But it’s ok to be sad, I understand. You know I wish he was here too,” she whispered. You could feel your eyes getting cloudy and quickly pushed the tears down, instead putting on a brave face.

“I love you, Bill. Thank you. But today is about you and only you. I’m going to make sure this is the most kick ass fucking wedding that’s ever happened,” you grinned and raised your mimosa to hers. She laughed and clinked her glass before downing the rest of its contents.

When you arrived at the venue, there were already tons of people lining the benched adorned with small bouquets of fresh green foliage. You lined up to walk down the aisle and watched as each of the other duos walked to the end. It was already so beautiful and you couldn’t believe you were about to watch two of the most important people in your life tie the knot. Before you knew it, you were linking arms with the best man- another friend from college- and setting off to join the rest of the party next to the alter. You didn’t look at the crowd at all as you walked, keeping all your focus on not tripping or walking too fast. Once you had taken your positon, you finally looked out at the sea of faces. You were smiling from ear to ear as you saw friends from school, Tom’s parents, Billie’s coworkers.

As you gazed over the back row, there was one man who stood out from the rest. One impossibly tall, broad man sat by himself near the back. His dress shirt was unbuttoned a few buttons and his dark suit coat clung to his strong biceps. His deep blue eyes met yours immediately; you thought to yourself that he never took them off you. Slowly, his lips formed a small smile as he beamed at you.

Thor had heard your cry and he had dropped everything to come for you.

[cantfakethecake]

I fucked up.

Fieldwork this semester’s kind of been a disaster. I got a placement in a private therapy practice, and they didn’t have enough willing clients for me to spend all 16 of my weekly hours observing sessions. Instead they made tasks for me to do out of the office on my own time. In the past two weeks, I’ve...

Been tasked with designing a hypnotherapy app. I was told that they had a tech guy who could do it, but “It would look amazing on a resume if you did it yourself, and it would be a concrete thing to show to future employers.” I said I’d spend a week or two trying to figure out Java, and let them know if it was a reasonable thing to do in the span of one semester. Spent two weeks trying my best to learn it, before realizing that it was 100% unrealistic to expect myself to make anything resembling an app by April. I told them that last Friday, and their response was, “Well I guess the lesson to take away from this is that you shouldn’t say you can do things before you know if you really can or not.” I never promised them I’d be able to do it. I said I’d give it a try, and let them know if it was reasonable.

Was told by my field supervisor that, “Your biggest weakness is your anxiety. Just remember to breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth.” I have both a doctor and a therapist on that already, and it’s something I’ve been working on since I was a teenager - but thanks, those breathing tips are just gosh-darned revolutionary, and not at ALL invasive on your part!

Ended up 20 minutes late to a therapy appointment I was supposed to be observing, because I rear-ended another car. This was just a day or two after telling my supervisor that I’m working on improving my time management skills.

Cancelled on a one-hour seminar on using social media to promote your business, because it was set to start at 8 AM and I’d been up half the night with panic attacks. (Admittedly, I lied and said it was a migraine, because I know perfectly well that people are much more inclined to give a shit about physical than mental unwellness.) Received an email that morning with “I hope you feel better soon. Here’s a paragraph on why it sucks that you missed the seminar. Also, please bring in a piece of concrete prof that you’ve actually been doing the work we’ve assigned you (which has, up until now, been a “do it out of class and bring in verbal updates every week” arrangement). I’m 100% fine with doing that, but the timing comes off as, “We think you’re lazy, and want proof that you’re not dicking us over.”

And today I received an email from one of my supervisors, letting me know that I’d missed a session I was supposed to sit in on. I wrote it down on the wrong day in my planner. I sent her an apology, and I’m going to set up a Google Calendar to write my appointments in in the future, so they can double check it if they’d like visible proof that I’m trying not to fuck up. It’s challenging, because they don’t coordinate between the two of them before asking me to come during certain hours. One person sends me emails throughout the week asking about one or two sessions at a time (which is beyond hard to keep track of, as I’m not great with my school’s email client), and the other just throws a verbal list of times at me to scribble down during our weekly supervision hour. 

I’m terrified that they’re going to terminate me, and I’ll be kicked from the program or at least have to do an extra semester. My organizational skills are admittedly shit (yes, hello, THANK you, ADHD), and I’ve fallen into one of the most DIY field placements my school offers. Every classmate I’ve spoken to has a scheduled set of hours that they complete every week on-site, with consistent supervision.

And on top of already feeling like this is all a little bit out of my control, the people I’m shadowing are just so...cold? They hustle me out of the room as soon as a session’s done, and I don’t get a chance to say a word to them until my supervision hour on Friday. Last week I shadowed during a group therapy session, and on their way out of the group room they asked, “Betsy, did you bring lunch?” They were several steps ahead of me (already completely out of the room, while I was still in the room with a bunch of clients who hadn’t left yet), I couldn’t 100% hear whether they’d said my name or had just been asking each other, and didn’t want to shout “WHAT?” after them. I hurried after them, figuring I’d say, “Sorry, were you talking to me?” as soon as I could see them...but when I got to the top of the stairs, they had already walked into the kitchen and shut the “employees only” door. I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to follow or not (there was a half-hour gap between that session and another I was supposed to shadow), and ended up hovering outside the door for a good five minutes before cracking it open and going, “Oh, THERE you are!” and letting myself in. They then ignored me for the next half hour while chatting to each other.

Which is to say - they’re not the friendliest of people, and even if they aren’t furious enough to terminate me? I dread the rest of this semester. I really, really don’t know what to do. I bumped my meeting with my therapist to this morning, and I was feeling so much better until I got the email tonight telling me that I’d missed a session I’d signed on for. I’m meeting with my academic advisor to get some advice on Friday (because this is not a typical field work experience, and I need to be sure that it’s even okay for me to be doing the tasks that I’m doing), but I have to meet with my fieldwork supervisor before that. I’m dreading it, and just...needed to vent? Or maybe a hug? I don’t know. I have a 3.9 GPA (would’ve been a 4.0 if I wasn’t late to class so often), and I should be better than this.