#I wish I were truly atheist or joyfully faithful
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#I've tried to avoid thinking about this for years#but have nevertheless come to a conclusion#I do in fact believe in god#(not capitalised or censored bc I don't mean this in the Abrahamic sense)#but I live my life as an atheist#because I'm angry and refuse to acknowledge them#I simply do not believe they are beneficient and merciful#yet I believe#...#I do not want to believe this#I wish I were truly atheist or joyfully faithful#but alas#but no need for concern#I am not a bitter person#despite everything I believe kindness is the most important thing#because if god will not be there for us#we have to be there for each other#I do realise this is probably the most pointless beleid system#and is in every practical sense atheism#but I do pray or meditate or whatever for what it's worth...#when I say god is uncaring#I do not mean they are malicious#certainly not#I'm just not sure what the value system is (the divine is after all incomprehensible)#not that it would matter anyway#bc I do not believe in a heaven for ''good people'' and hell for ''bad people'' that's frankly ridiculous#but there is an afterlife#more than anything I am convinced of that
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