#I would have happily stayed in our last place but they basically doubled the rent in a couple of years

[ipwarn]

Starting this year looking for an apartment. Please send good vibes to me and my friend. Renting in Sydney is a shitshow.

[haechansmulti]

Falling Into Place Pt. 2//Auston Matthews

Falling Into Place Pt. 2

Word count: 3837

A/N: AH this is literally four times longer than the first part. Whoops. I feel like I rambled a lot, but that's cool right? No one asked for a part two but I feel like riding this one out. Random: I love Auston with facial hair a lot and his tattoos are amazing. Anyways, suggestions on what happens next are welcome. Imagine/one shot requests are open. Love y'all! (Ps. I'm sorry about the spacing being all screwed up. I dunno what I'm doing)

P

It was a few weeks later, I had applied to change my major to go into the medical field. I'd been too scared to do it for a long time. I thought I wouldn't be able to. Within a week I was on my way to becoming a physical therapist. It was easy seeing as it was nearly the end of the year. I had mostly only specialized classes left to do, as I'd spent two years of high school starting college. PSEO (post secondary enrollment option) was not for everyone, but I work hard and well on my own. I'd focused on all the general classes so I wouldn't have to pay thousands to take them. It left me with basically only specialized science classes left to complete.

I was sitting happily in my car, plugging away at the load homework I had to do, not that I was complaining. The rink was thirty minutes away from the university, but 15 from my apartment, and quiet. I had come here almost every other day since I started at the university of Toronto. I saw a shadow cast itself across my work and look up, I see Auston Matthews standing outside my window yet again. However, this time, it was a bright and sunny April day. I smile at him and unlock my doors.

We had exchanged numbers and snapchats and had been talking every day between then and now.

He walks around the front of my car and climbs in. This time he's dry and smiling at me. I notice he's holding two coffees. One is iced and one is hot. “I got you coffee cause I knew I would find you here, but I didn't know what you'd like so I just got some iced coffee” I smile at the small gesture.

“Thank you Auston” I take the coffee from him “you could have asked me” I pause “ did you assume iced coffee because I'm a white college student?”

He blushes “I wanted to surprise you, and I asked Mitch what his girlfriend usually gets cause you two are probably like the same age… she usually gets a caramel macchiato. So I thought maybe that's what you'd like? You don't have to drink it”

I smile and laugh slightly at his concern for coffee “it's great. I actually really like caramel macchiatos. And iced tea of most varieties.” I look at him as he nods, seeming to take note “just in case you ever feel like being generous again” he laughs.

“Are you going to expect it now?” He asks, placing his arm on the center console, yet again brushing mine. Though, this time they just sit there instead of pulling apart again. “Not that I would mind. But the season ends in a few days, and then playoffs. And then it's over”

“I won't expect it. I can buy my own coffee” I laugh at his need to clarify.

“Um” I look at him, while I shuffle papers “have you been to one of our games? I mean you're always here, but at least I'm the last few weeks I know you haven't come to see us, have you ever?”

“I really don't have the money, I would absolutely love to. If I could go to all 84 regular season games I would. However, I'm a broke college student” I smile slightly, knowing I'm thousands in debt for loans.

“If I got you a ticket would you come?” He looks at me hopefully, and I wonder what's running though his mind.

“Of course, for tonight's game?” I start and then quickly remember “I don't have a jersey. Or sweatshirt or even a leafs t shirt. I have like no extra spending money for that kind of thing”

“That's okay, I could buy you one” he smiles, then his face lights up brighter “you could wear one of my sweatshirts, or one of my old jerseys” he was now beaming as bright as the sun.

I smiled brightly at him, damn he's cute “I'd love to. Any of the options.”

He looks like he's concentrating really hard for a second, and then without looking at me burst out “do you want to go out to dinner with me after the game?”

I laugh, as he had looked so concerned to ask me that “Of course I will. Is there anyone else going? Or just us?”

“I could ask Mitch if he and Steph want to go” he rubs the back of his next as he shifts to turn his body, so he's facing more towards me. “But only if you want to”

“Would that be a date? A double date? Or just friends” I ask him, deciding to be just a little cheeky.

“Well a date if it's just us, and a double date if we go with Marns and Steph” he returns the cheekiness.

“I'd be okay with a double date” I lean closer to the center of the car, closer to him.

He leans closer too, then noticing the time “shit I'm gonna be late for practice” he scrambles to climb out of the car as I laugh at him. “Dammit, I'll text you my address” he stops to type

“Just go I'll be here when you're done with practice” I smile and he nods before running to get in the building.

Auston POV:

Shit, shit, shit. I run though the building to get to the locker room and get out of my clothes and into my gear as fast as I possibly can. I grab my stick and go running to the ice.

“Well look who decided to show up” Mitch laughs, leaning his head on his gloved hands which were on top of his stick

“Where ya been?” Willy skates a circle around us before stopping and raising his eyebrows.

"Probably with the girl that sits in her car in the parking lot all the time. He looooves herrrr” I rolled my eyes at the teasing and Babs yells for us to start drills.

After practice while we take off our gear I lean over to Mitch “would you and Steph wanna come to dinner with (y/n) and I?”

“Yeah probably, Steph is usually up for it. I'll ask” he pulls his phone from the pocket of the sweatshirt he was likely wearing when he got here and sends a text. It was a few minutes later that he gets a reply, looking at his phone “yeah. She says she wants to meet the girl taking up your mind” he laughs reading it.

Your POV:

I watched as Auston came barreling out of the rink and running to my car. “Hey” he said as he pulled the door open, climbed in and shut it. I watched other guys come out laughing as they watched him. “I'm gonna text you my address so you don't get lost if we get separated on our way there” he looks at his phone, his fingers moving rapidly until my phone buzzed and his name popped up. “Follow me as much as you can” he leans closer to me and hesitates and then pulls away. I smile at him and he takes his chance by leaning forward quickly to peck me on the lips. He'd never done that before. It was so fast and so small, but that was the start.

He climbed out from my small car and ran to his own. He pulled out of his spot and I followed him. I was right behind him the whole time, and then we pulled into the garage of his complex, he stopped and spoke to the person there, likely explaining my presence. Then went through, we parked farther away from the elevator than most probably would, so we could park next to each other. We made our way into the actual building and up to his apartment. Which was an impressive and well decorated two bedroom apartment. Probably the work of his mother and sisters. He disappears down a hallway and then reappears a few moments later with one of his sweatshirts. “Here's that. I can get you a jersey and have it signed by the whole team if you want” he hands me the sweatshirt and I take it, nodding.

“I would like that, actually. Then I can sell it and pay my rent” I tried making a joke, but I'm not sure he got it.

“Wha-”

“I'm kidding” I cut him off. “I'd like that, then I can wear it and flex on everyone” I laugh and he smiles.

“I need to take a nap and then eat” he says looking at the time on his phone.

“So I should go” I rub the back of my neck, turning my head to the side.

“No, I mean you can but I think it would make sense for you to stay and then we can go and leave together, and our date.” He rambles on and leans against the wall of the hallway to the bedrooms.

“Well I mean I have to go home and change” I look down at my outfit, “sweats aren't a great look on a date”

“I guess not” he laughs and runs a hand through his hair, then pulls his keys out of his pocket “take my car so they'll let you back in”

I take his keys and nod “okay. If you insist”

“As long as you don't wreck my car I'll be okay with you driving” he smiles and I turn to leave “wait”

“What” I question as I turn to face him again, amused.

“Can I have a hug? I'll probably be asleep when you get back” he says sheepishly.

I move closer to him “Of course” I open my arms and he pulls me in tightly. “Sleep well Aus” I surprise myself in calling him that, I never had before. It had always been only first names.

"I will” He looks down at my face, his eyes seemed to beg me to kiss him. I tilted my head back and he took his chances for the second time that day “at least I will now” he smiles at me, and I returned it.

He shut the door behind me and heard a muffled “damn”. I couldn't wipe the smile off my face. I couldn't help it, it hadn't even been a month since we had met and I could feel such a strong current pulling me to him.

I made my way down to the garage and unlocked his car, and got in. The man is so tall I couldn't even reach the pedals from where it was, and I wasn't even super short. I was like 5’6”, though it was quite short compared to his 6’3”. I moved the seat closer and adjusted all the mirrors before trying to familiarize myself with the controls. I'd never driven such a fancy car and didn't really know how. So I examined it until I knew where everything was.

I'd left his apartment nearly an hour ago, and had changed into black jeans, low black chunky heeled boots and a black and white floral blouse. I slipped on his sweatshirt over it, I had discovered that it smelled strongly of him and that I really enjoyed that. A musky sandalwood is as well as I could guess, though I'd probably never figure out what it really was. I switched to a smaller purse, in which I put a small battery pack, phone cord, my earbuds, small coin purse as my wallet and my phone. I had almost made it in and out before my roommate saw me.

“Hey (y/n), where are you going?” My roommate Reagan asked. I never really enjoyed her presence. It sounds mean, maybe it is, but she got on my nerves and I was not here for it. I only had a roommate because I couldn't pay rent on my own.

“A hockey game” I roll my eyes and pull the keys to Austons car out of my pocket so I can leave.

“Doesn't the leafs game not start until like 7? It's like 1” she raises her eyebrows at me, and crosses her arms.

“Whys it matter” I was confused as to why this nosey little twat thought she needed to care.

“Didn't think you'd want to sit outside that long, considering you can't afford to get real tickets” she smirks, leaning against the counter in our kitchen. “What'd you do, steal the sweatshirt? So desperate for something with your crushes name on it? Too bad he'll never love you back”

“I was given tickets, this sweatshirt and I have a date tonight. So have fun being alone here tonight.” I turn around, then I smile and turn to face her again. Time to be petty. “now I have to drive this Porsche to my dates house. Oh, and Matt's is my date. So fuck you” I wave the keys around in her face before leaving.

I knew that Auston would still be napping so I drove around for awhile. It had been two hours by the time I'd gotten back to his place. He was putting spaghetti in a pot of water when I had come in. “Hiya” I say happily, still riding the high of one upping my roommate.

“Hi” he smiles at my enthusiasm. “You seem happy”

“Why wouldn't I be? I get to see my favorite hockey team play, I'm wearing a really comfortable sweatshirt that smells good and I have a date with a hot guy tonight” that way I was talking, a new air of confidence about me, you might think I'd taken a few shots of something strong.

“Is that so?” He gives me a questioning look, but amused nonetheless

“Yeah” I wander over and hoist myself onto the counter. “Hi”

“Hi” he laughs at my new blissful silliness. “You okay?”

“I'm great” he stands in between my legs and I lean into him. I giggle slightly as his hands brush against my sides as he wraps his arms around my waist. We're not even technically together, but it feels like we are. It feels like we have been, for a long time. Something about him is just so comfortable, so welcoming. Something told me he was the person I had been looking for. I realize I had been staring dead into his eyes and he made a face at me

“You okay?” He asks me yet again, slightly more seriously.

“I'm fan-fucking-tastic my dear” I say smiling at him and placing my hands on the back of his neck. He leans into me, and just as he does, the timer on the oven goes off.

“I'm making chicken with pasta and sauce” he explains putting an oven mitt on and then pulling a tray with chicken on it off of the oven rack.

“Isn't that what y'all eat every time, like, before every game?” I recall watching countless videos of NHL players saying they eat spaghetti and chicken before every game. “Doesn't it get old”

“Yup, but, I… yeah I dunno. We all just kind of do it” he puts the chicken in the sauce he was heating up, and pushes the other half of the spaghetti into the pot.

“You know your spaghetti would be more evenly cooked and easier to eat if you broke it in half before you did that” I laugh at the concentration he had, as he didn't want to knock the whole pot over and couldn't touch it as he discarded the oven mitt.

“...yeah, probably. I'll keep that in mind” he looks sideways at me, to see me smiling at him, with the same smile that was playing on his lips.

A few minutes later the food was on plates, he had significantly more than I did, I was a normal person (and I like the arena food, at least back home in Minnesota I did, yes I know that's probably weird), and he was carbo loading for the game. We mostly ate in silence as he was eating so much, he really didn't have time to talk. I finished long before he did, as he had at least three times as much as I did.

When I set my fork down he gave me wide eyes with noodles hanging out of his mouth. He looked like a big tough, heartless bitch most of the time. He wasn't. He was a silly, playful, joking kind of guy, you just had to find him. I laughed at him “you're a dork”

“Thanks” he says back, with his mouth incredibly full of spaghetti and chicken. When he was done I grabbed his plate from in front of him and put it on top of my own “what are you doing? I can do the dishes”

“You cooked, it's your house, you have a suit to put on, so I can do the dishes. Don't argue with me mister” I shake my finger at him.

He puts his hands up “alright. I'll go get cleaned up then” I smile after him and then turn to the sink. I run hot water into the sink and put the metal stopper it had in. I let the dishes soak for a bit while I listen to the sound of the shower running down the hall. It shuts off and I turn back to the dishes, scrubbing them clean of the sauce and chicken residue. I placed them all in the drying rack and drained the sink, rinsing it of bubbles, as Auston made his way back down the hall. “Hey, thanks for doing the dishes”

“Of course” I tilt my head to look up at his face. I notice a hair had fallen into his face and reach to brush it back into place. I leave my hand on the back of his neck and he takes it as an invitation to lean down and kiss me. I didn't think someone could so instantly feel like home, but here we were.

“Are you ready?” He asks and I pull my hand away from him.

“Yep” I grab my purse from the spot on the counter where I'd left it earlier.

“Let's go, then” he smiles and opens the door for me, as we walk to the elevator his hand brushes mine and I hesitate but grab it, slipping my hand into his. “Hi” he looks down at our hands.

“Hi” I smile and lean my head on his shoulder for a second as we walk into the elevator and then stand straight.

The ride to the arena was relatively quiet as we just enjoyed the others presence.

“Okay” he shuts his door of the car “Here's my credit card, your ticket and a pass to get downstairs after”

I take them all from him, but confused “why are you giving me your credit card?”

“So you can buy whatever jersey you want from the shop inside. Though I'd hope you'd go for the one who's paying for it” he smiles at me as we walk to the door he goes in to get to the locker room.

“Okay, good luck” I smile and reach for a hug, which he gives.

“Thanks…” he hesitates “babe” and then turns quickly on his heel and walks into the arena. That's new. And different. But I like it.

I walk around the arena to the main doors, where there are hordes of people trying to get in, I get in line and it takes about 30 minutes to get all the way into the arena. By the time I make it in the game starts in like 45 minutes. I wander over to the leafs shop and take my time looking at all the jerseys. I go for a Matthews adidas player jersey, I pull Austons card out to buy it. Seeing as it's a credit card I have to sign, to which I panic for a second and so I sign a big A then squiggle and repeat with an M. I put it on after I leave the store, and fold the bag up as small as I can and put it in my teeny tiny purse. I walk over to one of the many concessions and get popcorn. I look down at the seat that Auston had gotten for me, and it's up against the glass behind the leafs bench.

The game was tight, but the leafs were able to pull through and take the win.

I would've wandered around wondering where to go, but Auston was still on the ice for a post game interview and skated back to the bench and helped me hop the guard rails, which are really tall, without breaking my neck by dropping his gloves and catching my waist before I landed. “Shouldn't I have like gone down some stairs and through several hallways or something?” I ask amused as he bends to pick up his gloves. "seems like it would've been less of a hassle”

“Maybe, but this was way faster, and you don't have to go through all the interviewers waiting to get to us” he says and we start our trek to to the locker room. I wait outside for Auston and probably Mitch. That's when I find Steph.

"Hi, you're Steph right?” I ask the cute little blonde that I recognized to be Steph LaChance.

“I am” she says tilting her head to the side, and I realize she's never seen me and doesn't know who I am.

“I'm (y/n), Auston’s, uh” I think about it and I don't really know what to say so I blurt “girlfriend” so it doesn't sound like we're just Fuck buddies.

“Oh, yeah, yeah” she smiles “how long have you and Auston been together? He talks about you all the time”

I smile “not too long, but it feels like forever”

She smiles “I know the feeling. It feels like I've been with Mitch for two or three times longer than we have. That's what happens when you love someone. Speak of the devil” she stretches an arm out for Mitch as he come out of the locker room, redressed in his suit. They stand together, her short frame tucked under his arm. Auston comes out moments later.

“Hey” Auston says, his face lighting up when his eyes fall on me.

“Hey Auston, you played really well tonight” while I speak we end up in the same position as Mitch and Steph.

“How's it going” Auston looks at Steph.

“Great, I've just been chatting with your girlfriend, (y/n), here. She seems great” I blush at her words. Steph had such a motherly air to her. She couldn't be more than twenty one, and was young and adventurous in the way Mitch seemed to be, but was so warm in the way only a mother could be.

Auston raises his eyebrows at her words “she is great, at least I think so” he pulls your shoulders tighter to him. “Shall we head to dinner?”

[theartofblissfullydrowning]

Day One: Part 3

Do you know that sometimes I looked at you while we were playing games or you were driving or out somewhere and thought “you know, maybe we could be together. Maybe I need to lighten up a bit?” I’d see you in a different light. It would catch me sometimes while we were laughing about things. I wish you would have stayed a bit to see that video I sent you. It was basically us. Every time I saw you with Alex or Kelsey. I just remembered how it was in the beginning for us. And we talked about that before you left, about how it was a love story. I wish it never ended the way it did and that we ended up living happily ever after. I had no idea how much you loved me until your mom told me you’d always tell her about me and she asked about me all the time. That broke my heart. No one loved me the way you did, you know? I knew that’s why you always hated to see me with other guys. And I really hated to see you with other girls, too. There are things that will always be just ours. 

I wonder if I was on your mind that night and how I would handle things. You knew how attached I was to you. I know you were probably in a different state of mind at the time but I wonder what your last thoughts of me were. I’m sorry I didn’t respond when you messaged me. I have a lot of guilt over that. If I would have been there we could have talked. I hope you didn’t feel like I was ignoring you. I hope I wasn’t a part of this. Hopefully, though, you knew I really loved you. Really, no matter what was happening, all we had was each other, and it was so hard to get through the past few months without you. You were the only person I would really to with things and you weren’t there. You were the reason my heart was broken this time. And then Tee went the day after you and I always thought you’d be there for that. 

I loved you so much and I’m so sorry I didn’t show you that enough before everything happened. But I think you knew. we were both stubborn as shit. We were in other relationships and hated it. I feel like you never connected with Kelsey or Alex. I never really connected with Bryan or Mark. But in all of that we were still there together. They all knew the role we played in each other’s lives and they knew that if we had to decide that we’d choose each other over them. That was the biggest thing with us. You never made me feel like you would choose someone else over me. 

And then you always looked after me and I never gave you enough credit. I remember when you drove all the way to my house after you heard I was in the psych ward for feeling suicidal. And you brought me some of my stuff back but I turned you away. That was so wrong of me to do and I’m sorry. I lost my job and had nowhere to go and you took me in and said “we can figure out rent later”. No one has ever loved me like you did. 

And now I’m the one left to carry on all of our memories on my own and live for both of us. It breaks my heart every time I see you offline for so many days on Steam. It was just 200 the other day I looked. It put a quantifiable measure on it. 200 days without my best friend. 200 days that I’ve been here alone without you. I see games that I wonder if you ever played that I know you would like. I see games that have just come out that you would have loved. You’ll never see the next Elder Scroll or the next season of Game of Thrones. You won’t be at my wedding. (Which was maybe supposed to be our wedding.) But still I feel your spirit in me talking to me when I need someone or just in the back of my head telling me you’re proud of me for things I’m doing now or telling me to be careful with things just like you used to . 

I miss our talks and the memes and the nonsense. I miss having someone to go to when things happened. I miss having someone to vent to about everyday things.I miss having someone to escape reality with and laugh with. I miss the way you smelled and the way your sheeps and pillows smelled when you’d give them to me when I slept on the couch. I miss the margaritas and board games and Neely and Mark Gormley and doing the time warp with you. I miss playing songs on uke and guitar. I miss just laughing. It means a lot to me that I was able to share that with you and that we were able to have so many good times even if the only people we really had were each other. 

That was the hardest part for me. That it was just us. We were the only people we had. We were like twins. We had our own language and so many inside jokes. No one has ever been like you were to me. I’ve never had a best friend for that long and have never been closer to someone or had someone understand me as much as you did. That’s why this hurts so much. I don’t know if I ever will because with us it was so effortless. 

I still have so many sore spots but they’re healing up. It doesn’t mean they won’t still hurt or remind me of you but it’s the little things that remind me of you. So many things. Something every day. Even stupid little things. Memes, songs, words, things everywhere. Every day it’s like I say goodbye to you again but you’re still here in some sort of way. Part of me tells me you want me just to move on and be happy again. That’s what you said in our last conversation, that we’ve all had our low points and that I’ll be in a different place soon but I had no fucking idea how low it could fucking go until you left. I thought I knew sadness, I was a little experienced in grief, but never to this level. I still sit there on the same spot on my bed I was in when your mom messaged me. I remember I had just made some dumplings. It was about 1:30pm on a Wednesday. I had just brought them in my room and sat down and hadn’t taken a bite and your mom messaged me and I was immediately concerned but I jumped and called her as soon as I got that message. My mind immediate went to you had either died or had gone missing and she hadn’t heard from you. And I called her and her voice sounded shaky. I said “what’s going on?” and she said “Kyle passed away.” A knife went though my fucking guts. “What? How?” “He hung himself” She was trying so hard to keep from breaking down. I said “thank you for letting me know” and I sat there in shock for a while. And then I screamed. I texted Bryan to let him know. He was at work. I ordered beer and got smashed and cried and screamed and punched things. Bryan was a little upset. I thought about killing myself too that night because the pain was unbearable. I looked for Derrik online but he hadn’t been on in a long time. I was fucking frantic and a fucking mess. The most I’ve ever been. And I so much wanted to call you or message you or see you because I was so upset because you were the person I would go to and you weren’t there. And then I woke up hungover as shit the next day and Tee couldn’t walk and wouldn’t eat which was her favorite thing to do so I knew it was her time too. I had to take her to the vet and couldn’t even remember what year it was becuase nothing seemed real. It was a double edged sword because I just wanted you to be the or to message you and just let you know because she loved you so much and you loved her too but every time I would pick up my phone to I just had to remember you weren’t there and realized you were lying on some coroner’s table dead. My best friend. My world. My love. Dead. Cold. Alone. 

The first few weeks were a blur. All I did was cry and not sleep because I was terrified to because I was afraid of nightmares or even just dreaming of you and waking up and not having you there. Luckily I had one person there I could talk to who sort of looked after me and we’d only been talking for about a week so it was a lot to dump on him but he got me out of the house and was there and really supportive of me. 

I don’t leave the house now. I can’t drive without thinking of you. I’ve had to drive the roads I used to take to your house and stop myself from breaking the fuck down. I’ve thought about driving to the houses you lived in and just sitting there in the driveway or parking lot and just pretending for a little bit that I was coming to see you and that everything was okay again, just for a moment, forgetting what happened. I’m glad I never went to your house you died in because I probably would have gone there, too. 

It’s been really hard for me to get close to anyone since then. As I’m sure you know. It was never easy before you left. Neither one of us really bonded with anyone other than each other. I’m glad I got to meet Derrick and I hope you really know he came all the way out there and said that was never how he wanted to meet you but that he was glad he was there. I met David, as well. I think I remember you telling me about him. And if you’re still around like I know you are that you know what happened with that and I’m sure you laughed about it but both of us were so broken up and your mom was worried about him and wanted him to be safe so I guess we both just got our minds off things. But I’ve lost friendships and alienated people because of how I am now. I get too drunk and act too obnoxious. You never cared because we always did it together, but I don’t think I ever broke down and screamed at you or sobbed my face off in front of you. You would have never let that happen. 

I wish so much that you were still here. Like I said, I wish I would have messaged you back that night when you messaged me. Not waited so long. We used to joke about offing ourselves all the time but I never thought you’d actually do it. You could have called or messaged me again. I wonder why you didn’t say goodbye. I wish I could see what led up to that or what you doing and thinking. I hope you went out knowing I loved you more than anyone else in my life. I’ve looked at our last conversation so many times and it was probably the most beautiful one we could have had, recounting our friendship and everything. And our whole story. AND how beautiful it was and how we’ve both grown in the past 5 years. I still remember your last few things you said to me. That we were meant to evolve and write our stories. I know that’s what you would have wanted me to do  and I hope you would have done that too but you saying that to me as one of the last things is why I”m still here.

These days I know I have to keep living for the both of us. I have to keep living and keeping our memories alive so they don’t die. I have to carry on your memories. I’m glad I took so many photos of you even though you hated it because I can still look back at all of those moments we shared and have tangible evidence and can look back and put myself back in every one of those moments for a second. From when we went to the strip club with our Blu cigarettes feeling cool with our $12 to the day I found that wedding dress, to our trip to DC, to you calling me on messenger, or us sharing margaritas, and I still have all those videos you hated about you getting the sock out the fan. You hated them but now that’s the only way I can hear your voice and hear your laugh. 

And you know I fucking hated Alex and I still absolutely despise her now. I’m not blaming anything on her but she did not treat you like you deserved to be treated. She didn’t appreciate you. I never really liked her. She was way too young and immature. She was obnoxious and she tries to play it off like you two had a nice time before she left you that night. If she wasn’t so concerned with her friends she wouldn’t have left. Your mom said the two of you got in a fight and I believe that more than anything. I don’t think you did what you did for absolutely no reason. There was something that set it off and I feel like she was a precipitating factor and how she acted at your memorial service was awful and no one like her. And I was the only one to stand up there and actually say something about you. I read my letter and so many people came up and hugged me like I was your family. I basically was. Derrick wanted to get up there but he said he couldn’t and I understand why. I was anxious and it was so fucking hard but I had to do it because of the days we’d talk about how you’d be the only person at my funeral. I know you’d do the same for me. So many people told your mom that my letter really touched them. I have no idea how I was able to get up there and do that but I feel like you were with me that day and you allowed me to be strong, but do you know how hard it was to sit there after all the guests passed by and go look at my best friend reduced to nothing but ashes in a box? And now ashes that sit on my book case? 

I hope you’re proud of me. I know you don’t want me to hurt anymore and you feel a lot of regret over it just in the way that it hurt me and upended my life. It sounds selfish but I know that if you knew how much I’d endured that you wouldn’t have done it, I just know you weren’t in your right mind that night so you didn’t think about it. As much as you don’t want it to hurt it always will. You will always be a part of me. You will always be the one who loved me and knew me the most. Your love was the most unconditional that I’ve ever known. I didn’t even know how deep it was until your mom told me you’d talk about me all the time and she always knew what was going on with my life. 

You have no idea how much I miss you every day. I wear this moonstone ring on my finger in memory of you. I’m going to get those thieves guild shadow mark tattoos we always talked about getting together. And those last words you said “we were meant to evolve and write our stories”. I’ll have the money to do it now with my new job. Maybe I can get them to mix your ashes in with it so I can always carry you with me. 

[thisisabouta]

This is About a... Double Standard.

Sometimes I think about a situation so intensely but get absolutely nowhere in my search for clarity or reasoning and other times, it takes a few minutes but there it appears- the fucking light turns on. I’ve walked into an extremely frustrating situation that is very difficult to manage. I lived at home for a long time. I moved out for the first time when I was 22 or 23. I moved to California for 9 months and was tested in every way possible. I shared a room with my cousin for a few months when I first got there and it was tolerable. That living arrangement completely fell apart and I moved in with my guy best friend who was staying in a house with 7 other people.

I slept on a blow up mattress in his room although I’m sure he wouldn’t have bothered him at all if I slept in the bed with him. That was s difficult friendship to navigate. Nonetheless, my habits remained the same. I went to work, came home and stayed to myself in our room. I came out and talked to the other roommates occasionally, there was one who I was briefly involved with, but engaging with them was nowhere near a priority. I ended up moving out of that house with my best friend and we got a two bedroom apartment together.

Everything was fine, until it wasn’t. We hung out every now and then but he was always bringing weird, extremely sketchy people over who made me uncomfortable and putting us both in very dangerous situations so due to that and my own habits, I chose to stay to myself. Him being frustrated that I was distancing myself and a drug fueled death threat caused me to move in with complete strangers whom I met on Craigslist. A married couple with two kids and a lot of empty rooms in a suspiciously empty house. I talked to the wife on the phone long enough to feel comfortable with going over and viewing the house. It seemed fine and she wasn’t asking for a security deposit so I moved in. There was no tv in my room or the living room and I didn’t have a computer so I spent ALOT of time in my room, playing solitaire on my ipod. This is also when I discovered the author Kay Redfield Jamison. Changed my life but that’s another story.

As it turned out, her husband also had a problem with me distancing myself. He sat and talked with me one evening after I went in the kitchen to get some food (and when it was way too late for us to be talking) and talked to me about how I should be more social and come out hang out with them. I tried doing that a few nights later and I ended up spending most of the night in the kitchen talking to his wife about her ex boyfriend and how much she missed him and how he was “the one who got away.” Her husband was probably two feet away the entire time. That was a failed experiment.

They ended up exposing themselves as terrible people and we all got evicted because they didn’t have enough money to pay their bills despite moving 3 more people into their house. No, they graciously didn’t ask for a security deposit in the beginning but they did ask for it later on, with no notice and they also asked for my rent early so they could pay off some credit cards. When they moved to a hotel and brought all of their tenants with them so they could transition into their new house, they left me behind like a stray dog because her husband “couldn’t understand my personality and maybe I should’ve hung out with them more.” I was homeless for three days.

Fast forward to moving in with my last LA roommate. He was this chill, mexican guy who I got along with at first but he was too OCD and we shared a kitchen and a bathroom. Not a good combination. We went out to a club together once and had dinner together a couple times. I stayed to myself still (the whole situation was obviously awkward) but he didn’t care as much as my roommates before him. That situation soured and I moved back to Washington. I moved back in with my mother who knew I liked to be left alone. I was back in my natural habitat but living with her was also still a terrible idea. I ended up moving in with a friend of a friend. We agreed upon fairly cheap rent and when they had parties, I would keep to myself in my room.

Again, they had a problem with that. I don’t know exactly what the issue was and still don’t. It could’ve been the lack of socializing and some other shit but I’m beyond caring when it comes to that. Our mutual friend ended up moving in also and sleeping out on the couch with her boyfriend. There was also another boyfriend and five children under the age of seven living there. Not even a remotely comfortable situation for me to be in. I kept to myself as much as possible because of my own personal issues and I was being paid to basically babysit her kids although if I was in a good mood, I would take care of them on short notice and pick them up from school. Our mutual friend moving in didn’t change anything for me or make me more comfortable. I still isolated and it bothered her but we never talked about it.

I ended up moving back in with my mother and then getting my own apartment once her husband told me I had to move out. In their house, I went out of my way to not spend any time anywhere but my room and thankfully, I had my own bathroom. His issues were me not contributing to groceries although the ONLY times I ate there was when my Grandmother cooked and I literally couldn’t decline because she would be offended (real thing), how I didn’t sweep or vacuum (areas of the house that I didn’t use) and that I didn’t get up to answer the door when the doorbell rang despite him being perfectly capable to do so. I was also on a new med cocktail at the time so got 99% of theses incidents, I was knocked the fuck out and didn’t even hear the doorbell ring. Obviously, that didn’t fucking matter.

I got my own place finally and it was amazing. I loved, well... I loved the inside of my apartment and I was comfortable there and there was no one to bother me. I could just be left alone. After a year there, I happily moved to Seattle. I had my own place for two years which was also great but of course all good things must come to an end. There was only one instance where I was really scared about getting my rent paid on time but for the most part, I was handling it. There were nights that I was lonely and I had people over occasionally but it was on my terms. That’s how I always need things to be.

Fast forward to present day and I currently have a roommate. I knew she’d be someone I could live with but I had to have a talk with her prior to all of this. I explained to her that I’ve had problems with all of my roommates before her, along with my mother. A small number of these people didn’t mind that I isolated but there was a larger number of people who had a serious problem with it. I let her know that that’s how I choose to live and I asked her if she was sure that she wanted to live with me. She also knows about a majority of the aforementioned scenarios. I told her that I was more than likely going to do the same thing and here I am, doing the exact same thing and again, it’s a fucking problem.

Now this isn’t even about me isolating. I’m sure I don’t come off as a great person but I have my reasons for doing what I do and with my mind state, I don’t feel like I should have to justify that to anyone unless I care to do so and if I’m paying my rent on time, I should live however the fuck I want. Period. No, this is about an expectation. If I tell someone my reasoning behind my actions, that’s it. You don’t have to agree with it but you will respect it if I’m holding up my end of the deal which I have done in every last one of these situations. I have been having terrible day after terrible day and when I get home, I don’t want to talk about it. If I come to a place where I do want to talk about it, I will but I do not want to feel cornered or interrogated. If this felt more like a naturally occurring situation and less like an ambush, I probably wouldn’t be as hesitant but that’s not what’s happening. I have a way of doing things and it’s kept me alive this far. I don’t need anyone coming in and throwing me off track and despite it seeming like these people are just trying to help me, they’re not.

This is also about a double standard. At this point in my life, I can’t count how many times i’ve been in a situation where a guy has told me that he’s “not ready for a relationship”. Granted I know in most of these cases, it means he’s just not ready for a relationship with ME personally but the idea behind it still applies. I’ve spent a majority of my dating life dealing with this and I’ve never let it go without a fight. Why would I? If a guy tells me that he’s not ready for a relationship, naturally that means that I need to be the one to change his mind or I need to stick the shit out because he will of course wake up one day, turn and look at me and realize that i’m the one. Even after the guy I lost my virginity to told me that he “couldn’t see himself spending the rest of his life with me”, I swore he was blind and was going to change his mind eventually. He didn’t.

I currently have a guy in my life who is slipping away and I finally came to the realization that I have to let that happen. There are people who are worth fighting for and then there’s just plain fucking ignorance. I’ve been so frustrated and playing the conversation I had with my roommate in my head over and over again, trying to understand why she is basically completely ignoring me telling her what the fuck is up and how she’s not going to get the attention that she needs from me. We also had a conversation months prior to this about our friendship and me telling her that I’ve been fucking run dry with drama and bullshit and I don’t have anything to give anyone right now. I don’t know when I will.

The fucking light turned on. Me sitting there and telling her exactly what the situation is and all of these guys being straightforward with me and again, telling me exactly what the situation is are basically the same thing. I never wanted to accept it and now i’m in a situation where the tables have turned and I’m the one being misunderstood. The last boy who I actually wanted/want to be in a relationship with told me before we had sex for the first time that he didn’t want a relationship. He claims he doesn’t want to “put his problems on someone else”. Whether that’s bullshit or not is besides the point. He literally told me what he doesn’t want, I still had sex with him knowing I wasn’t going to be 100% ok with that and now here I am, pissed off that he doesn’t want to be with me.

The door has been blown off the fucking hinges. I can’t say that I’m completely in a mans mindset cause i’ll never know exactly how the male mind works but this shit is so obvious, it’s scary. How in the hell am I going to tell someone my boundaries, my limits, what I don’t want and how I am but then turn around and have a man do the same thing all while planning my procedure on completely changing him. Whether it’s smoke and mirrors or the absolute truth, I should take it for face value. If I’m going to expect someone to respect what I say and not try to change me then I also need to learn how to leave well enough alone. I wish my friends would do the same.