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theartofblissfullydrowning · 6 years ago

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I”m sure you were there. It was a terrible first date. I cried which is the best thing to do on one of those. We went to your favorite places. I stood there with this person I admired so much just feeling so empty and numb and alone, as if I was the only person in the universe. Like my soul was pulled back into those memories of us there in that very same spot, doing that very same thing. I looked at all of those board games wondering what you’d think of them. Seeing the ones we’d played, the ones we could have, the ones I know you would have liked, wondering if you’d contemplated buying them for us to play.

You were with me, you always are, and I always carry the heaviness of your death with me like it’s a chain tied to my ankle. Maybe that’s why I never leave the house. It’s too much effort to drag that around and that was the first time I realized it. I got so frustrated that I couldn’t just be there in the moment. It hurt for some reason. It really did, even before we got to where we were going. Being in those places we were in before felt like a knife in the gut. Standing in the same places we stood, seeing the same booth we sat in that night. I love you so much and miss you more than you know but I really do want to live my life again, you know? I know you would want me to do that, too. But it’s so hard and I don’t know why I can’t. I talked about you so much, I always do, and I cried, and it was a first date. Luckily he didn’t write me off like those other guys did.

I know if you could see me now you’d be so saddened by the way I live my life. I never leave the house. I’m not really close with anyone. I’m guarded and isolated. I keep telling myself it’s okay though. I’m really trying now though. Maybe it’s because I really like someone that I’m so cautious now. Especially since he admits to feeling suicidal. I could never survive a loss like this again. I just wish I knew what home felt like again. It was you. It was always you. No matter what stupid shit I got myself into you were always there at the end of the day. You were always giving me some sort of love and support.

And now I’m out here in the world really by myself and on my own with no one that I can honestly trust now that you’re gone. I can’t trust anyone other than you. And you’re still here in some form and speak to me when you need to but I wish I could hear those words of encouragement for real in my ear, even if you weren’t the best at delivering them sometimes. I’m sure you’d be a little proud of me now but also tell me that I need to get out of the house more. One day I will, I know, but for right now I just can’t.

My life has been so different since you left. Nothing is the same. Everything is such a dull grey. I see things all the time every day and think of you. I want so much to talk to you again and just tell the same old inside jokes we had. I still hope that “Frozen Beef Patty” pops up on my phone or “Varl” comes up on steam. The other day it was 200 days since you last logged in and that was hard to see. You used to be always online and I don’t want to delete you but I hate that Steam is the counter of how many days it’s been.

In two days it will be 7 months and I don’t know if I’m getting any better. I can’t believe it’s been that long but then again I feel like it was just yesterday when your mom told me. I remember the exact spot I was sitting in my bed and that I had just microwaved some potstickers and was sitting down to eat them but never did. I feel like too soon it will be a year and that should have been 6 years of us celebrating friendship but instead it will be 5 years with you and a year without.

I don’t blame you. I know why. I felt the struggle, myself. We talked about it so many times. I just wish you hadn’t left that way. Or that you had said goodbye. Sometimes I question things and think about our last conversation and wonder if you had a plan. But knowing you you didn’t. I think you told me it was absolutely impulsive. I never even knew if you tried before but I don’t think you did. You know if I could have done anything to save you I would have. I wish I would have gotten back to you sooner that night. I don’t know if that would have saved you.

But I know you would have wanted me to live my life and be happy. It’s obvious I can’t without you. There will always be that piece of me that was you that is missing. No one will ever know me or understand me like you did. I appreciate so much that I got to experience someone like you. I wish it didn’t have to end up like this and instead it was me and you forever and at each other’s weddings and there when our kids were born, even if those things were just me and you which part of me always felt like they would be.

There are so many things I would have done differently if I knew how things would be now. I would have stopped being so stupid and really embraced how much I really did love you. I wouldn’t have been so shitty about all of it. Maybe I would have never moved out and who knows where we would be now. Married and a baby or two. It could have saved us SO much pain. Because honestly I never loved anyone the way I loved and still love you.

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theartofblissfullydrowning · 6 years ago

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Day One: Part 3

Do you know that sometimes I looked at you while we were playing games or you were driving or out somewhere and thought “you know, maybe we could be together. Maybe I need to lighten up a bit?” I’d see you in a different light. It would catch me sometimes while we were laughing about things. I wish you would have stayed a bit to see that video I sent you. It was basically us. Every time I saw you with Alex or Kelsey. I just remembered how it was in the beginning for us. And we talked about that before you left, about how it was a love story. I wish it never ended the way it did and that we ended up living happily ever after. I had no idea how much you loved me until your mom told me you’d always tell her about me and she asked about me all the time. That broke my heart. No one loved me the way you did, you know? I knew that’s why you always hated to see me with other guys. And I really hated to see you with other girls, too. There are things that will always be just ours.

I wonder if I was on your mind that night and how I would handle things. You knew how attached I was to you. I know you were probably in a different state of mind at the time but I wonder what your last thoughts of me were. I’m sorry I didn’t respond when you messaged me. I have a lot of guilt over that. If I would have been there we could have talked. I hope you didn’t feel like I was ignoring you. I hope I wasn’t a part of this. Hopefully, though, you knew I really loved you. Really, no matter what was happening, all we had was each other, and it was so hard to get through the past few months without you. You were the only person I would really to with things and you weren’t there. You were the reason my heart was broken this time. And then Tee went the day after you and I always thought you’d be there for that.

I loved you so much and I’m so sorry I didn’t show you that enough before everything happened. But I think you knew. we were both stubborn as shit. We were in other relationships and hated it. I feel like you never connected with Kelsey or Alex. I never really connected with Bryan or Mark. But in all of that we were still there together. They all knew the role we played in each other’s lives and they knew that if we had to decide that we’d choose each other over them. That was the biggest thing with us. You never made me feel like you would choose someone else over me.

And then you always looked after me and I never gave you enough credit. I remember when you drove all the way to my house after you heard I was in the psych ward for feeling suicidal. And you brought me some of my stuff back but I turned you away. That was so wrong of me to do and I’m sorry. I lost my job and had nowhere to go and you took me in and said “we can figure out rent later”. No one has ever loved me like you did.

And now I’m the one left to carry on all of our memories on my own and live for both of us. It breaks my heart every time I see you offline for so many days on Steam. It was just 200 the other day I looked. It put a quantifiable measure on it. 200 days without my best friend. 200 days that I’ve been here alone without you. I see games that I wonder if you ever played that I know you would like. I see games that have just come out that you would have loved. You’ll never see the next Elder Scroll or the next season of Game of Thrones. You won’t be at my wedding. (Which was maybe supposed to be our wedding.) But still I feel your spirit in me talking to me when I need someone or just in the back of my head telling me you’re proud of me for things I’m doing now or telling me to be careful with things just like you used to .

I miss our talks and the memes and the nonsense. I miss having someone to go to when things happened. I miss having someone to vent to about everyday things.I miss having someone to escape reality with and laugh with. I miss the way you smelled and the way your sheeps and pillows smelled when you’d give them to me when I slept on the couch. I miss the margaritas and board games and Neely and Mark Gormley and doing the time warp with you. I miss playing songs on uke and guitar. I miss just laughing. It means a lot to me that I was able to share that with you and that we were able to have so many good times even if the only people we really had were each other.

That was the hardest part for me. That it was just us. We were the only people we had. We were like twins. We had our own language and so many inside jokes. No one has ever been like you were to me. I’ve never had a best friend for that long and have never been closer to someone or had someone understand me as much as you did. That’s why this hurts so much. I don’t know if I ever will because with us it was so effortless.

I still have so many sore spots but they’re healing up. It doesn’t mean they won’t still hurt or remind me of you but it’s the little things that remind me of you. So many things. Something every day. Even stupid little things. Memes, songs, words, things everywhere. Every day it’s like I say goodbye to you again but you’re still here in some sort of way. Part of me tells me you want me just to move on and be happy again. That’s what you said in our last conversation, that we’ve all had our low points and that I’ll be in a different place soon but I had no fucking idea how low it could fucking go until you left. I thought I knew sadness, I was a little experienced in grief, but never to this level. I still sit there on the same spot on my bed I was in when your mom messaged me. I remember I had just made some dumplings. It was about 1:30pm on a Wednesday. I had just brought them in my room and sat down and hadn’t taken a bite and your mom messaged me and I was immediately concerned but I jumped and called her as soon as I got that message. My mind immediate went to you had either died or had gone missing and she hadn’t heard from you. And I called her and her voice sounded shaky. I said “what’s going on?” and she said “Kyle passed away.” A knife went though my fucking guts. “What? How?” “He hung himself” She was trying so hard to keep from breaking down. I said “thank you for letting me know” and I sat there in shock for a while. And then I screamed. I texted Bryan to let him know. He was at work. I ordered beer and got smashed and cried and screamed and punched things. Bryan was a little upset. I thought about killing myself too that night because the pain was unbearable. I looked for Derrik online but he hadn’t been on in a long time. I was fucking frantic and a fucking mess. The most I’ve ever been. And I so much wanted to call you or message you or see you because I was so upset because you were the person I would go to and you weren’t there. And then I woke up hungover as shit the next day and Tee couldn’t walk and wouldn’t eat which was her favorite thing to do so I knew it was her time too. I had to take her to the vet and couldn’t even remember what year it was becuase nothing seemed real. It was a double edged sword because I just wanted you to be the or to message you and just let you know because she loved you so much and you loved her too but every time I would pick up my phone to I just had to remember you weren’t there and realized you were lying on some coroner’s table dead. My best friend. My world. My love. Dead. Cold. Alone.

The first few weeks were a blur. All I did was cry and not sleep because I was terrified to because I was afraid of nightmares or even just dreaming of you and waking up and not having you there. Luckily I had one person there I could talk to who sort of looked after me and we’d only been talking for about a week so it was a lot to dump on him but he got me out of the house and was there and really supportive of me.

I don’t leave the house now. I can’t drive without thinking of you. I’ve had to drive the roads I used to take to your house and stop myself from breaking the fuck down. I’ve thought about driving to the houses you lived in and just sitting there in the driveway or parking lot and just pretending for a little bit that I was coming to see you and that everything was okay again, just for a moment, forgetting what happened. I’m glad I never went to your house you died in because I probably would have gone there, too.

It’s been really hard for me to get close to anyone since then. As I’m sure you know. It was never easy before you left. Neither one of us really bonded with anyone other than each other. I’m glad I got to meet Derrick and I hope you really know he came all the way out there and said that was never how he wanted to meet you but that he was glad he was there. I met David, as well. I think I remember you telling me about him. And if you’re still around like I know you are that you know what happened with that and I’m sure you laughed about it but both of us were so broken up and your mom was worried about him and wanted him to be safe so I guess we both just got our minds off things. But I’ve lost friendships and alienated people because of how I am now. I get too drunk and act too obnoxious. You never cared because we always did it together, but I don’t think I ever broke down and screamed at you or sobbed my face off in front of you. You would have never let that happen.

I wish so much that you were still here. Like I said, I wish I would have messaged you back that night when you messaged me. Not waited so long. We used to joke about offing ourselves all the time but I never thought you’d actually do it. You could have called or messaged me again. I wonder why you didn’t say goodbye. I wish I could see what led up to that or what you doing and thinking. I hope you went out knowing I loved you more than anyone else in my life. I’ve looked at our last conversation so many times and it was probably the most beautiful one we could have had, recounting our friendship and everything. And our whole story. AND how beautiful it was and how we’ve both grown in the past 5 years. I still remember your last few things you said to me. That we were meant to evolve and write our stories. I know that’s what you would have wanted me to do and I hope you would have done that too but you saying that to me as one of the last things is why I”m still here.

These days I know I have to keep living for the both of us. I have to keep living and keeping our memories alive so they don’t die. I have to carry on your memories. I’m glad I took so many photos of you even though you hated it because I can still look back at all of those moments we shared and have tangible evidence and can look back and put myself back in every one of those moments for a second. From when we went to the strip club with our Blu cigarettes feeling cool with our $12 to the day I found that wedding dress, to our trip to DC, to you calling me on messenger, or us sharing margaritas, and I still have all those videos you hated about you getting the sock out the fan. You hated them but now that’s the only way I can hear your voice and hear your laugh.

And you know I fucking hated Alex and I still absolutely despise her now. I’m not blaming anything on her but she did not treat you like you deserved to be treated. She didn’t appreciate you. I never really liked her. She was way too young and immature. She was obnoxious and she tries to play it off like you two had a nice time before she left you that night. If she wasn’t so concerned with her friends she wouldn’t have left. Your mom said the two of you got in a fight and I believe that more than anything. I don’t think you did what you did for absolutely no reason. There was something that set it off and I feel like she was a precipitating factor and how she acted at your memorial service was awful and no one like her. And I was the only one to stand up there and actually say something about you. I read my letter and so many people came up and hugged me like I was your family. I basically was. Derrick wanted to get up there but he said he couldn’t and I understand why. I was anxious and it was so fucking hard but I had to do it because of the days we’d talk about how you’d be the only person at my funeral. I know you’d do the same for me. So many people told your mom that my letter really touched them. I have no idea how I was able to get up there and do that but I feel like you were with me that day and you allowed me to be strong, but do you know how hard it was to sit there after all the guests passed by and go look at my best friend reduced to nothing but ashes in a box? And now ashes that sit on my book case?

I hope you’re proud of me. I know you don’t want me to hurt anymore and you feel a lot of regret over it just in the way that it hurt me and upended my life. It sounds selfish but I know that if you knew how much I’d endured that you wouldn’t have done it, I just know you weren’t in your right mind that night so you didn’t think about it. As much as you don’t want it to hurt it always will. You will always be a part of me. You will always be the one who loved me and knew me the most. Your love was the most unconditional that I’ve ever known. I didn’t even know how deep it was until your mom told me you’d talk about me all the time and she always knew what was going on with my life.

You have no idea how much I miss you every day. I wear this moonstone ring on my finger in memory of you. I’m going to get those thieves guild shadow mark tattoos we always talked about getting together. And those last words you said “we were meant to evolve and write our stories”. I’ll have the money to do it now with my new job. Maybe I can get them to mix your ashes in with it so I can always carry you with me.

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theartofblissfullydrowning · 6 years ago

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Day One: Part 2

I ended this year ready to start the fuck over and have a new start to everything. I wanted to be what he would have wanted me to be. He was tired of seeing me suffer and I was as well. I was tired of constantly struggling emotionally, socially, financially, and mentally. I wanted things to be better for myself and so far, almost 20 days in, they’re shaping up that way. I have a lot of new beginnings opening up for me right now. My medications help with my moods and motivations. I’ve started exercising and trying to take better care of myself. This is part of that. I cut off social media because it was doing nothing but causing me harm and serving as an unhealthy distraction. I wanted nothing more than to just feel free. I’m getting there.

The one hang-up is Bryan. I fucking hate him so much sometimes. I wonder where I would be now if he wasn’t around. So many people have told me to “get out”. Friends have been concerned and I know every time the cops get called they sit there and wonder why they’re here again and why I still am. I do, too. I need to stop letting myself have too much sympathy. I need to put better boundaries in place. I need to stop taking care of people who take advantage of me. He emotionally and financially abuses me and uses me and that’s been going on for quite some time and yet he accuses me of doing these things to him. He refuses to get help for his issues. I deserve so much better than this. I don’t deserve this at all. It’s hard not to give in to the things he screams at me sometimes and not give into his temper tantrums and acting out but I feel like I’m at a place where I can separate that from myself. He can call me a liar and say I’m using him all he wants. It’s not true. I just hate when he tries to sit there and threaten suicide because he knew how much it affected me when Kyle did it. He knows that’s my one huge weak spot and he exploits that when nothing else seems to work. I’m tired of it. I don’t deserve that either. It’s the ultimate form of disrespect. I can’t believe anyone would do that to another person. And he knows how scared I get when he starts punching walls and breaking things. And yet he still does it because he can’t handle his emotions and has no other coping skills other than smoking weed and being passive aggressive towards me. I cannot express how much I want to leave or what him to leave. More than anything else I want him to go. I still care about him as a person but I can’t keep letting myself and my life suffer the consequences of me ‘caring’. It’s a bit selfish because I don’t want to be alone but it’s the opposite of being selfish because I do so much more for him than he does for me. And then he turns around and complains when he has to do dishes or other things around the house. He turns it around and makes me feel like shit. He has been helping me in small ways like going to get me things from the store but honestly if I had to I could do that, myself. I think he enjoys the codependency. I really don’t anymore. I just renewed the lease with him and I felt stupid as shit for doing it but there really wasn’t another choice. I just need to step up my boundaries and not let him step on them anymore. I’ve already gotten to a point where I can not take anything he says personally as cruel as it can be sometimes. Part of me wishes someone can just come and rescue me from this situation, but it’s mine and mine alone and I need to be the one to do it.

And that brings me to something else. The budding new relationship I have with Joel. He’s such an impressive person. I feel a little intimidated by it but he doesn’t seem to think any less of me. We talked about our ways of coping with feeling inadequate. He pushed himself to achieve things, I pushed myself to help other people because of my martyr complex. Sadly, I don’t have as much to show for it as he does. Part of me is like “go for this and stop hesitating so much on someone who seems to be what you’re looking for” but the other part of me is anxious and wringing my hands, not because I don’t want to be hurt, necessarily, but more because I’m just terrified and nervous about things not working out in person. Both of us have said we need a friend more than a lover right now but I can’t help but be attracted to him for who he is as a person. It really saddens me that he feels so incomplete and unhappy and empty sometimes and the nurturing person in me wants to rush in and cling to that and make him feel better but that’s what’s gotten me into a lot of shitty situations before, especially the one I’m in now. My goal needs to not be to support or help or fix him, even though I never want to fix people, but to be there by his side so he doesn’t feel alone. He says he doesn’t have empathy but I think he does. He’s shown that to me. I’ve felt it. And he enjoys the company of empaths. I don’t think because he abuses it, but because he enjoys experiencing the warmth. When I told him what I wanted to do with my life he told me I wanted to do what his mom does. Do I remind him of his mom? He doesn’t really compliment me much on my personality or tell me what he admires about me. I get that he does, though. He just doesn’t speak it much and it’s something I like to hear because I need the validation. I hate that I even need validation but I do sometimes. But when I told him I needed someone in a “daddy” role he immediately took that on but not in a sexual way like people use it these days. He knew exactly what I needed. Someone to help guide me and scold me for not doing the right thing, encourage me to do better, and tell me that they’re proud of me. It meant a lot for him to tell me he was proud of me for working out and putting forth the effort. That’s all I want sometimes. Validation and someone to tell me that they’re proud of me. I don’t know why I need it because I’m proud of myself, but it sure is nice to hear sometimes. The fact that he could do that in such an effortless way and really seemed to understand what I need without me saying much really says a lot. I’m sure I could tell him that I need validation sometimes just in who I am and what I’m good at and what he likes about me and he’d be there to do it without much effort. He seems like the type to want to please others. He wants to be a husband and a dad so it seems like he’s looking to build something valuable. I think at this point I am, too, even if I’m conflicted about having kids. I think both of us are on that “not right now but eventually” mentality.

I’m just so worried though. What if he sees me and it’s not what he imagined? What if he sees my teeth and is immediately turned off and thinks it’s a deal breaker? I’m so insecure about it and don’t know how to explain it so I just don’t but I want to. Sometimes I’ll bring up that insecurity to people but I also don’t because I don’t want them to really pay more attention to it and I can hide it pretty okay for a while. And what about him? I’m not sure. I always sit there thinking “Well I don’t really like his beard at all” and I’ve told him about it without trying to be too rude. He looks so good without it though. But is that enough for me to just sit there and disregard everything else? Would that be some strange thing that I would be too superficial about and lose attraction to him for? And his hair is thinning a but I think? But is that really an issue? I sit there and think about it and stop myself and think about how ridiculous I’m being when I do that. He’s still attractive. I’m still attracted to him as a person. I can’t let stupid little nitpicky details get in the way of someone I’m confident might be a good match for me. I’m just so nervous. What if there’s no chemistry. What if he’s compulsively neat and finds my lack of organization repulsive? Or my teeth? There’s just so much riding on this right now. He seems to be the type I want and I know we haven’t talked for long, a little over two weeks, but non-stops. He loves metal and that’s not my thing at all. His sense of humor is cheesy and kinda lame at times. But what about the physical chemistry? I’m just so afraid this isn’t going to work out. I feel like I’m already at a point where I’d be a little heartbroken if it didn’t but also I know we said both of us need a friend way more than we need a lover. But I know if we sit there and figure it’s not going to work that we’re already at a point where both of us will always have that little seed planted in the back of our heads about each other. We’ve both sat there and talked about our experiences with that tonight. We’ve already made so much of a mental and emotional connection. I don’t feel like if we somehow end up as just friends that that bond will be broken. I feel like he’s someone I’ll have around for along time regardless of how it goes, but I know if we take a step back now or step further in and back out too soon that there will always be that thing in the back of our heads. It’s in our personalities. I don’t want another situation like i had with Kyle where both of us are just dancing around it forever, just like he said he was doing with his ex.

I already have this stupid wild fantasy that we’ll end up getting married and having kids and I know that he probably has that too by the way we’ve talked. When I said I had a dream that I was pregnant and had a daughter he said “what did we name her?” even though I said nothing about him being involved in it. We’ll have a pretty house and make dinner for each other every night and lie with each other and fall asleep every night. We’ll go out on adventures and do nerdy stuff. Have a Viking themed wedding. He’d absolutely be the doting father when I’d be pregnant and run out to get my cravings in the middle of the night and hold my hair back as I puked. He’d be so excited. He’d constantly have a hand on or be talking to my belly. He’d absolutely spoil our child(ren) (if I can even have them, I don’t know.)

That’s another thing that worries me. Maybe I won’t ever be able to have kids. With all the risky shit I’ve done I haven’t gotten pregnant since that first time at 18 that I terminated. Who knows what the fuck else has happened since then and I’m getting older so it’s becoming less and less of a chance as I get older. I know having kids is one of his biggest dreams. It’s been something always on the backburner for me, maybe even as a defense mechanism, but I do want them at some point maybe. I think I’m just so overwhelmed with life as it is right now and my own mental health (and he is, too) that I just tried to convince myself I didn’t want it. Maybe I do. Maybe when I find the right person I will.

I really want this to work out. I want to be done with this whole “getting to know people” bullshit. I want to be done with failed relationships. I’m getting too tired and old for this. I want something to stick for one. In a way, it’s like trying to get pregnant and failing over and over and over again and you start to wonder what’s wrong with you. What IS wrong with me? Why does everyone I’m with end up having some mental breakdown at some point? I feel like I suck the life out of people. As much as I try to be the one to give them strength and help them heal.

But Joel and I are meeting up on Sunday for the first time and there’s so fucking much riding on that i feel. I’m so fucking nervous. I really want for everything to fall into place and for it to feel as comfortable as it is when we talk through text. I know my wish that we meet in person and suddenly it feels like home is unrealistic and obnoxious. I want to get over my stupid superficial bullshit. He has a beard, yeah, but what is that in the long term? What is it to me other than something that’s not my preference? It’s something he has pride in and that’s something that I should respect and appreciate about him even though it’s not necessarily my taste. Is his hair thinning? Maybe. Is that something I should judge him for? Absolutely not. His hair is gorgeous and I absolutely love long hair. It’s just an imperfection just like I can’t help my hip dips. (I could have helped my teeth though, and that just makes me insecure as well.) I shouldn’t write someone off for such stupid shit. He IS attractive even though he might not cross of everything on my ideal physical quality list. It’s not a reason to consciously or subconsciously write him off. Kyle was absolutely handsome but something with us just didn’t really click that way. Maybe Joel isn’t the most photogenic person or takes bad selfies but I can tell he’s still very attractive and I think who he is as a person is incredibly attractive and the type of person I’ve always wanted. That’s why my gut says “go for it regardless of how you feel about those stupid things”. I mean, I loved to death a guy with bad acne, a guy with bad psoriasis. It didn’t stop me and that’s nothing like this. I just need to stop being so stupid and superficial. He seems like an amazing partner from what I can tell so far.

And god, the fact that we both have herpes and got to avoid that whole awkwardness. It was such a relief. Neither of us has to feel insecure or embarrassed about it.

I feel like I’m thinking way too much about this. But that’s just how I am. I over-analyze everything.

What we have right now is so delicate. He’s someone I can talk to all day every day about anything, really. We make each other laugh, we open up to each other, we encourage each other, we both have our roles which seem so effortless. He seems like a caring protector and I am the soft and delicate creature who needs protecting and he loves that and so do I. But then I’m the nurturing one when he needs a soft place to lay his head. Both of us have been very open from the beginning. He did tell me he felt like I was understanding and wouldn’t judge him. I am and I don’t. That;s what I need to remember. He said I am not judgmental and I shouldn’t be.

I wonder how the “first date” is going to go. I kept saying “don’t forget the flowers” and “pixies love flowers” hoping he’d pick up on it and maybe bring me flowers. I don’t know why I want that from him. I never asked for that before or planted the idea in anyone’s head before. But part of me is wishing he would bring me flowers when he comes even though I know it would probably be lost on him. On second thought, I do have flower tattoos and he did mention that the other day. It would mean a lot to me but it’s not something I’m going to put a lot of thought into. It would be great if he put forth the effort and listened but if he didn’t then that’s okay, too. I let him decide where he’s going to take me and what we’re going to do and he’s okay with that. That’s a really nice thing.

But so much of me just wishes we’d feel comfortable with each other and he’d take me back to his place where we could be alone and that he’d just hold me. I need that so much, especially after everything I’ve been through in the last year. Just someone who cares and feels safe to hold me. I don’t have to question his intentions at all which is a blessing. And fuck, how he’s always telling me he wants to make sure I feel comfortable with things, whether it’s where we go and what we do or when it comes to being sexual in person. He just wants to make sure I’m comfortable. That’s more than I can say for anyone else. I want to wait with him for a while and do things right this time. I don’t want to create that false intimacy. I don’t want to skip steps. I want it to be sweet and innocent and a build up for once. Even though we’ve seen each other naked in pictures both of us have said we don’t want to jump into things.

Speaking of which, I hope things go well and he asks me to be his girlfriend. I would totally say yes. I don’t want to be the one to ask though because that hasn’t gone well for me in the past. And he seems to have a bad track record as well. Both of us just want things to work for once. I have a good feeling about this. But then again I’ve had a good feeling about a lot of things that ended up terribly awful. I just want this to be it. I’m so done with everything and he has so many qualities I look for in someone but I haven’t seen him at his worst. I haven’t seen him when he’s angry. I haven’t seen him when he’s upset. He hasn’t seen me when I’m drunk and crying and making myself puke from it.

I feel like I need to cry for some reason and I don’t know why. I’ve felt like that a lot lately. For several different reason in several different moods. Why do I want to cry over this situation? I don’t know. Probably a mixture a feelings. How am I feeling? Hopeful, charmed, blessed, intrigued, appreciated, but also nervous, anxious, and like all of those feelings of disappointment from the past are coming out to tell me “it’s not going to work. I don’t know why you think it will. You’re going to hurt yourself again. Good luck!” But then I also want to cry out of relief and happiness that I got a job I wanted so much and I feel like I have some sort of direction.

With my new job I’ll have some sort of respect for myself again in a financial sense because I’ll be able to have health insurance again. I’ll be able to afford things like nice food and treat myself to things. I can buy gifts for people. I’ll feel comfortable paying bills and won’t have to stress about it all the time. An the company seems amazing to work for.

Maybe I want to cry because things are so different from where they were a few months ago when I was hopeless and at rock bottom.

I just really hope things work out.

I want to come out of this with a good and stable job I enjoy, a boyfriend, a fiance, a husband, and a father to my children. I want stability. Happiness? I might not ever find that, but contentment surely seems like a possibility if things continue on this same track.

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