#I would put this in the main tags but again insanely self indulgent and idk if I could write a full fic again

[toasteaa]

hhhhhnghm...hear me out...childhood friends with the ragbros...growing up with these two boys with hearts set on adventure, wanting to go and explore the world with them. The both of them. While the three of you play, your parents meet with Diluc's father - the content of their conversations doesn't affect you now. Not immediately at least.

Seashells and pinecones the three of you collected together as children start turning into calla lilies from Kaeya and windwheel asters from Diluc; you cherish both equally and try not to show favoritism...but one bouquet gets the nicer vase. One makes your heart race a little faster. Your parents tell you of their discussions once they believe you'll be able to understand it - a marriage between the two families. You've been promised to Diluc, and when you settle with your thoughts that evening, you find yourself flustered and afraid at the same time. A decision had been made for you before you could even understand what (or more precisely, who) it was you wanted.

A confession goes unspoken the night of Crepus's death; it remains unspoken for years. You spend days with Kaeya, tending to his wounds, trying to get him to say something, anything, about what happened. You spend your nights crying over another undeliverable letter to Diluc, thoughts wandering back to the Dawn Winery standing vacant and cold beyond Mondstadt. How the three of you used to play together there, how you used to plan your journey into the neighboring Liyue, and how those plans will never come to fruition.

You don't expect Kaeya's first words after weeks of silence to be an apology, but you've come to always be surprised by his actions. Whether it's him accompanying you on an evening stroll or working alongside you silently. It stirs something in you; a cocktail of emotions, both infatuation and perhaps something deeper, that you wish you could keep bottled up and hide. But it only pushes back harder each time Kaeya's hand brushes yours, each time he manages to pull a laugh out of you, or returns from another mission unscathed.

You feel light. You feel guilty. You were promised to Diluc, not Kaeya.

And yet that guilt fades for a moment when you hear of the rumors of Diluc's return to Mondstadt. You're not allowed further than the foyer and Adelinde explains it's for the young master's privacy, but you can see the apology in her eyes. You know that she's aware of what you are - what you're supposed to be - to Diluc, but she cannot ignore what she's told. Or what she believes is best. But the rumors are confirmed and your heart hammers against your ribcage: Diluc was back. He was home.

But he's changed. When you do see him, there's no light in his eyes and his smiles (if you could call them that) are cold and closed off. But the more you return to the winery, the more you see there is something there. Something warm and familiar just beneath the icy exterior that brings heat flooding back into your cheeks. It's there in the way he says your name before changing his mind and the way he moves to reach out for you before stopping himself.

But the guilt returns. The weight of your parent's and maid's whispering of your arrangement settling heavily on your shoulders. You were promised to Diluc; raised, primmed, and prepped for a marriage to link yours with the Ragnvindr's and yet you wish Barbatos would strike you where you stood.

How could you love them both so dearly and be forced to choose one?