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user1286 · 2 years ago

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Gods of Disappointment: Pt 1: For a Better Future

Summary: (Through Thrud’s POV): The Thor family (besides Thor), escapes Asgard, and is in search for a new home. Thrud gets irritated from stress, Modi makes it worse for a moment, and uhhh yeah no that’s it for rn I think.

A/N: Uhhhhhh no one can stop me no one can stop me from attempting to explore a potential dynamic between Thrud and her brothers if they were revived, absolutely nobody can stop me, dear god, I hope I’m doing this right.

Thrud had woken up in a daze, barely conscious enough to even function normally.

With her eyes barely open, she felt the sudden touch of hands grabbing her arms and pulling her up. Thrud subconsciously moved her arms and waist, ready to fight, until she heard her mother’s voice.

Rushingly, her mother whispered,”Thrud, wake up, it’s time, we have to leave now.” The girl’s eyes had fully opened upon hearing that statement.

The family had been planning for the last two years to escape from Asgard. Realizing how much the place badly influenced both Thrud’s father and brothers, Sif had been the one to speak her mind and tell Thor they needed to leave if they wanted a better future for Thrud. Thrud had opposed the idea at first, wanting to be a valkyrie, but quickly realized maybe it would be for the best if the family did leave. Although she still had a yearning for her grandfather’s approval, she did want a chance for her family to truly become one again.

Thrud had immediately gotten off her bed, opened up her floorboards, and exposed a backpack full of belongings she’d packed for whatever new home she might have.

When she turned to look at her mother, she noticed she was wearing a utility belt with her typical attire. Equipped to the belt were small bags of currency, first aid, and something else with a gentle wooden clang in it.

When Thrud was up and ready, so was her mother by the door, holding a lantern up.

Thrud and her mother ran out of the bedroom, past the halls, and out the building. Thrud felt a blast of the cold air on her face, and looked up at the night sky; noticing the dark clouds above. She could only think of her father and the possible outcomes of this.

Thrud and Sif ran past the dark training grounds, and to Gulltoppr- which everyone planned to steal from Heimdall with pleasure-. Holding saddle bags all over his sides, All were full of equipment and belongings of the family.

Magni and Modi were standing beside the cat, quietly bickering who should be in the front -almost getting physical like children- until both looked to Sif.

The two straightened up, Magni then mounted to the front, and Modi assisted his mother, then Thrud mount Gulltoppr. He then sat on the rear, holding onto the end of the set of armor the animal wore.

The air felt suffocating, everything was silent, and everyone looked in the direction of where Sif and Thrud had just left; all awaiting for the signal. The signal for safety that Odin would be distracted.

Thrud’s stomach churned, and her hold around her mother’s waist tightened, begging for some sort of relief.

BANG!

A snap so loud it echoed across the nine realms. A bright blue strike of thunder struck up into the sky and into the clouds.

“Go!” Sif yelled to Magni.

No time was wasted as Gulltoppr sprinted away from the direction of raging lightning and thunder. Off to the lift, away from Asgard, away from Odin, and to a future for the greater good.

—

“Wait, stop here Magni.” Without a word, Magni obeyed his mother, stopping the animal by a large tree.

It had been nearly a whole day of non stop running. Very short breaks were involved, and Thrud was hoping it was time to truly rest from sitting for so long. The girl was about to hop off with her mother until she was stopped by Modi’s hand on her shoulder. She looked back at Modi, and he was nodding a “no” at her, noticeably silent. Thrud sighed in frustration, and sat back down.

Sif on the other hand, hopped off Gulltoppr, reaching for the bag - with a gentle wooden clang - still on her waist. She opened the bag and pulled something small out that Thrud couldn’t see, for her mother’s back was now towards her.

Sif walked towards the tree, and subtly hid the object underneath one of the roots of so. She quickly got up, and mounted the back of Gulltoppr again.

“We will rest soon, we just need to make sure we’re out of sight from the ravens.”

The animal continued walking, and Thrud turned her head behind and stared at where her mother hid the object.

Why couldn’t we take a break here and then leave that thing there when we leave? What even is that thing anyway?

Thrud desperately wanted to ask her mother, but she knew she would only receive another “I’ll explain later.”

Thrud was already anxious from what was now almost a day ago- having seen her father’s lighting viciously flail into the sky.- She knew that wasn’t a good signal for him. In the end, all these questions and thoughts being unanswered made her stomach churn, and her fists clench.

She couldn’t even make conversation to calm her nerves down. Any with her mother would have typically turned into an argument, and gods forbid her brothers be in the same room when a conversation occurred, they’d both bicker and argue like two little girls over a doll. At least the little girls fought for something. Magni and Modi fought for the sake of fighting- and hardly ever did they fight with an actual goal in mind.

—

It wasn’t like things were the same as they were four years ago though. Thrud was glad about that. Magni and Modi’s deaths meant nothing to anyone on Asgard besides what was left of the family. Sif was destroyed, Thor was pissed and mournful, and Thrud was left conflicted.

She was only about ten years old when the word reached Asgard. She loved her brothers, but the emotions were barely there. Her brothers were nice to her growing up, but at the same time, they were hardly ever home by the time she turned around seven. After that, a strong distance grew between Thrud and her brothers, and it was never the same. Even after the two were revived some time after their deaths…

Thanks to Sif and her constant bartering with Odin, she convinced him to bring them back to life with some of the old magic he had known of. The spell however –due to not having any Vanir gods left in Asgard– was not the highest of quality. Magni and Modi were brought back yes, but their minds and bodies were… damaged, for a brief period of time. They were barely breathing, and for weeks, comatosed. They would awake, but have little memory of anything. Magni and Modi had to re-learn their names, family, how to read and walk again. Their minds and bodies did recover over time, but for that entire winter passing, Sif and Thrud were the only ones helping the two recover.

Sif drowned herself in guilt, having known she was partly the cause for this, and Thor seemed to have begun reflecting. He was mostly silent for the duration, but he had begun to stop drinking so much.

Thrud was glad to have her brothers back, and with how her parents were at the time, she really thought things would change for the better after everything. She was very wrong.

—

Thrud felt the sudden cold of a hand on her shoulder. Having startled her from her sleep, it was enough to make her twist and throw a punch directly onto Modi’s nose, throwing him off Gulltoppr.

His back landed on the snowy ground, nose clutched in his hand, and angrily yelled,“Uuuurgg, dammit Thrud!”

“What, you scared me!” Thrud’s irritation from before had quickly crept back again. She jumped off Gulltoppr and ran to Modi to check on him. “Don't forget who made me learn that anyway! Your and Magni’s pranks are your dumbest ideas next to trying to kill–” Thrud paused. Modi still on the ground, gave her the “go ahead, say it” look. She forgot she shouldn’t have brought that up to Magni or Modi. Not anymore. “Urrrrgh! You guys are so annoying!” Thrud remarked through gritted teeth. She grabbed Modi’s arm, leaned back, and picked him off the ground.

With his hand covering his nose, Modi replied, “Uugh, for the millionth time, we were joking!” He looked at his hand to see blood dripping off. A small “eugh” came from his mouth as he flicked some off.

“Yeah,” From her side, she pulled a cloth out of a pouch to give to modi. “Tell the little girl aspiring to be a valkyrie that they were all so prepared to fight,” she then handed him the cloth, to which he gestured his hand, refusing. ”’they’d wake up throwing punches.’” Thrud quoted.

Modi turned away from Thrud almost giggling, and blew blood out from one nostril, then the other. Through a slight smile, Modi responded, “You gotta admit, that was pretty funny.” He motioned for the cloth with his hand.

Thrud handed the cloth, “Not when you wake up almost punching your fucking mom, asshole.” She was about to throw a punch at Modi’s stomach until she heard her mother.

“Thrud! Language!” Sif’s eyes narrowed, and her eyebrows furrowed. A very audible and exhausted sigh flew from her breath. Bringing Gulltoppr to a cave, she continued, “And put on a coat. In case you haven’t noticed, we finally arrived in Midgard.”

Thrud hadn’t even noticed the cold when she woke up, and when she did begin to feel it, from the corner of her eye was Modi handing his coat to her. Annoyed, Thrud snatched the coat from his hand, letting out a small “thanks” as she put it on.

With the cloth still over his nose, Modi walked off to Gulltoppr to grab a new coat from his bag.

Magni’s back was already facing everyone as he was walking off into the deeper parts of the Midgaurdian woods, wrapping bandages on his fists;

And Sif was unpacking a couple things to camp for the night.

Thrud was clueless for a few moments. In an attempt to calm her annoyance down, she breathed the cold air in and sighed out. She observed her surroundings. The air was windy yet silent. It was clear fimbulwinter was upon Midgard still. Very little wildlife was out and about, only barely surviving trees and oversized rocks for miles. Sometimes, an occasional overgrown vine would be sat on a rock. Midguard looked almost like some kind of barren wasteland. Not the best first impression for Thrud’s first time there, but it would do.

Last second A/N: uh if you made it to the bottom, jsyk, I’m probably going to be switching povs pretty often so don’t expect just Thrud’s pov in the next chapter lol

Also school is killing me so I’m choosing to upload this now instead of a month bc UUURRRAAAUUUUGH

Thanks for reading >:D, I’ll make sure to make a master list once my second chapter is out 👍

Update: here's part two :D

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incorrect-ikevamp-quotes · 4 years ago

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Comte’s 4th Birthday Story Event: Before the Clock Strikes Midnight

REEEEEEEE Ik it was a long time ago but life has been a [redacted], so I figured better late than never HAHA

So without further ado, anybody who’s curious feel free to click for more--I’ll put it under a cut for spoilers as per usual~

So in this story it’s the usual, a few days before his birthday, and they’re discussing a bump in the road. Essentially, it appears a friend of Comte’s is going to be celebrating a wedding, and as such he’s going into the suburbs/affluent part of the region to be able to attend. It’s only a few hours away from the mansion, but he will be gone for a few days with the arrangements made for his stay.

While this wouldn’t typically be an issue, MC has some things to take care of and opts out of attending with him (preparing for his bday probably LMAO) and Comte is immediately big sad. My favorite dramatic fool is already pouting, though he fully accepts and respects her decision. Besides which, he fully intends to be back in time to celebrate his birthday as well. He notes that he’s always admired how driven and independent she is, and has no intention of getting in the way of that. He’s just going to miss her, is all.

He says as much, figuring there’s no point in hiding it: “I really wanted to bring you with me to attend…but I suppose it simply can’t be helped” … “That’s not it…I guess I’m just wondering if you’ll miss me as much as I’ll miss you while I’m away.”

And MC’s just like “Aw, it’s okay it’ll only be a few days.” While Comte’s response is a very mature, high-pitched whining sound at a frequency only King (Theo’s dog) and Theo himself can hear. When MC tries to reassure him once more, his Hamlet impression continues: “Even the prospect of a few days away from you feels unbearable.”

Naturally, as any man do that loves his wife, he draws her close and proceeds to bang the living daylights out of her. I would offer details, but I have no deets to give beyond: [Well MC, it appears I won’t be letting you get much sleep tonight.]

Brief intermission for the vague sounds of fangirl cardiac arrest.

The scene opens again to him doing his walk of shame (the slut) down the walkway and into the carriage that will take him to his friend’s house. His thoughts carry the regret of burdening her with his desire, though MC is pretty much on cloud nine and unable to stop thinking about the heady night they shared in a good way. Bruh and the sly look when he figures out why she looks like that--I’m boutta call the police, he is going to make women and men alike act up.

MC scrambles to cool his already returning desire by insisting he will be late if he indulges any further, and he laughs and agrees easily–albeit with the slightest hint of reluctance. My favorite part in this exchange is that he kisses her forehead, adding that it’s because she’s the most adorable person in the world to him (a moment of silence for our uwus).

Fast forward to Comte trying to get home after the festivities are over. Problem is, it’s been raining like a mOTHERBLEEPER, and as such carriages have no safe way to traverse the roads at the moment. He waited out the first day as patiently as possible, but after the second–and no sign of stopping–his Leeroy Jenkins instincts kick in. He notes to the coachman that he’s aware he’s asking a lot, but they fully intend to take the long way which invites the least risk–and the rain is ebbing, even if the progress is slow.

It’s interesting because there’s another echo of his main story in this moment. He essentially showcases a desperation to return before the day ends, though without context it’ll probably seem a little strange, so I’ll do my best to explain. Basically, in his main story, MC notes that she doesn’t really care how different they are. Different time, different species, different experiences, so on and so forth. She hammers home that what matters is that the present is something that they actively share. It’s theirs. And no amount of divisions he desperately tries to draw will change that fundamental reality.

And it’s a little moving to see how deeply he takes it to heart? I think it’s one of those wonderful phenomena, personally–the way a person can influence how you think and act with their sentiments. Sometimes someone says precisely what it is we need to hear, and it changes us–while it can be for the worse, it can also be for the better. He notes that he spent so many birthdays; among the people serving his house when he was little, raising hell with his friends in his younger days, so on and so forth. Not unlike Leonardo, he says that after so many “special” days the faces become a blur, the festivities lose their luster. It’s just another day, at this point.

Note, one interesting thing here that stands out to me is that I feel like this is a reflection of both of their larger struggles. Where Comte can’t stand the relentless flow of time rendering him the only constant (and something of a ghost, never fully present), Leonardo can’t bear birthdays because it means remembering people who still mean the world to him, but are long gone. People he can never see again, never laugh with again, never share his life with again. And I think that’s a very profound pain, an anguish that just keeps on settling its weight. (Oh, Sisyphus…)

Comte’s is similar, but different. He actively works to keep his distance-- unlike Leonardo, he approaches immortality in the pragmatic way. He knows getting close will hurt, so he opts out of that–keeps a step behind, an easy smile on his face. Betrays only fragments to anyone, always has his guard up. But the downside of being so guarded means you eventually feel hollowed out and alone; nobody truly knows or understands you. There is a distinct loneliness in that approach, where memories only become reminders of how nothing ever improves and how bereft you are of warmth.

Leonardo, at least, gets to have the joy of being known from time to time. But loss and estrangement from those people means double the pain in the long run, because he loved them fully. Comte chooses to live in the cold to protect himself, but ends up in a kind of catch-22; the cost of forgoing loss means a constant deadening of his own feelings. It means living in a kind of fog, where there is a distinct discomfort in the silent obscurity of your own heart.

There’s something I’ve come to believe in my short course of living, so I guess I still need time to determine how true it is. But…I feel like, when people live this way, where who they are is a lie or it’s at the very least carefully concealed, we in part start to become that lie. I think it’s fascinating because Comte seems to have so much personality to him. He’s dramatic, he’s thoughtful, he has a sense of mischief about him, he has strong ideals, and he has an even more ironclad moral grounding. And yet, when he talks about himself, he always uses descriptions that hinge on emptiness. Like he’s worth so little, worth nothing. And that’s what I mean–he’s been trying so hard to glide on the surface that he has come to believe he really is equivalent to something that ephemeral. Like there’s nothing more inside him, or if there is, that it will never be worthy of much. I think it really speaks to the ways behavior impacts the psyche, even though the opposite tends to be considered the only possible cause and effect relationship.

He’s so determined to live for and in the future while he’s in the present, that he forgets to enjoy himself and really live. And while that approach is certainly understandable, I do think he loses parts of himself along the way. Only to be rediscovered and placed back into his hands by MC: [Today–this moment–our now, I don’t want to miss it for anything.] And that's not even touching on how quick she is to make them a we; she's not letting him keep that distance. It’s not “you have the ability to share this day with me” it’s “we’re here and in this together.”

I feel like what I love about this is that it’s not only about how sweet he is on MC, but also about how much he’s truly living again for the first time. His defenses are slowly inching their way down, he’s letting himself hope and want things and look forward to things again. The thing about being a responsible person is that–while responsibility is all well and good–sometimes you become so mired in doing the right thing and planning the most optimal outcomes that you just aren’t thinking of yourself anymore. That is, if you ever were to begin with. He went from the careful cultivation of a life as an aristocrat, to a life that spoke of more freedom and fun beyond those iron wrought gates, before he returned to the structure of what he knew. Freedom speaks to him I’m sure–we all need it in some measure to survive. But I do think a good portion of that was unfulfilling for him after a point. It was only feeding the void that was beginning to form inside him. He was instinctively retreating into himself to avoid pain, and in doing that the only result was feeling like a coward and a fake. He wasn’t happy, he wasn’t able to be himself, and nothing was fulfilling–every single day just another forward march.

I think it comes as no surprise he took up Vlad’s initial invitation so willingly.

But then I digress, back to the story. There’s another timeskip and it finds him racing down the hall of the mansion. He’s hoping to make it in time but knows he’s racing against the clock, and fully expects MC to be asleep by this point in the night. Midway along his path he thinks he spots MC and falters in his step, blinking. He decides to hang back, watching the figure enter his room with a great deal of curiosity and resists every urge to burst in after her. He hears MC speak into his pillow, her voice muffled but clearly despondent: “I miss you, Comte. I hope you get back home soon…”

Comte pretty much dies right there. I literally have no better explanation for it. He freezes, his heart sputters and stops. He’s just completely taken aback.

And then, naturally, he goes about feral with desire as is his modus operandi: “Oho, I heard something incredibly cute just now. Were you also having a hard time spending so long apart?”

MC: “…!”

[Startled, she turns around and her eyes widen and widen.]

MC: “Comte, how...”

Comte: “Took a detour in areas with less rain.”

MC: “?? Wouldn’t that still be hard in weather like this?”

Comte: “I told the coachman I wanted to see you as soon as possible. Even if it was only for a second, I wanted to spend today with you…”

[Everything I was thinking while in the carriage spills out of me long before I can help it. I am reminded again of just how utterly irreplaceable an existence MC is in my life.]

Comte: “Even so, it seems interesting that I would find you in my bed”

MC: “...! A--Ah, I’m so sorry for entering without permission!”

[I quickly grab hold of her before she can scramble out of my bed, coaxing her to sink back into the sheets.]

In between a lot of intense making out and [redacted], the larger overtone is that her reciprocated ardor just destroys him inside:

MC: “It was...because I couldn’t stop thinking about you, about wanting to see you…”

Comte: “!”

[You know just how to drive me mad with desire.]

Comte: “I’m the same...the first thing I did was look for you. Even though it was only a few days, your voice, your body, everything...I missed you”

[Because today, our ‘now’--I never want to lose a single moment with you as long as you’re by my side...]

Comte: “I’m so happy to be able to be with you, right here and right now.”

It gets funny too because Comte is trying to take it slow, but when she tells him “Happy birthday” and goes on to say she was so glad to greet the day he was brought into the world by his side, he just loses all control LMFAO. It ends with them getting more heated and [redacted], to the point where he doesn’t even hear the clock strike midnight.

And if him being the cutest and sexiest romantic wasn’t obvious enough, he spends the next morning just sighing blissfully with her in his arms:

[The next morning, when I wake up, MC is still fast asleep. I mean, given she only fell asleep a few hours ago. I’m still reveling in the afterglow of a sweet night filled with her cries, the way she looked at me and held me. MC...]

[I relax to the sound of her breathing steady with sleep, stroking gently at her hair as I hug her from behind.]

Comte: “I’ve had countless birthdays. In an endless life, I was convinced it was just a day that would come and go every time.”

Comte: “It was only after meeting you that I could understand there was no such thing as an overlapping or identical moment. I don’t want to miss a single second by your side...that’s what I think now.”

[I admit the truth of my heart, brushing a kiss against her cheek. Over and over and over again, showering her in my affection--]

But dun dun dun!!! MC was awake the whole time, so when she fidgets a little at how ticklish his kisses are, he 👁

[Oh, I see. Well then, two can play at that game...]

Comte: “Your punishment is to stay in my arms just as we are...how’s that?”

He gets his mischievous (and hilarious) revenge for being revealed (HORNY TIME), though it’s so suffused with love it’s hard to call it revenge hahaha. She reminds him to go easy on her because they have his birthday party to attend later, and he agrees~

Honestly after such killer hurt/comfort spice fluff, I can only tremble at the thought of what his 5th year bday story will be

It’s either going to be Some Angst^TM or even more killer fluff, and either way that means my days are numbered

#ikevamp #ikemen vampire #ikevamp comte #ikevamp saint germain #ikevamp jpn spoilers #ikevamp leonardo #the way this man makes me have So Many Thoughts #every time i remember this story i just go dreamy-eyed #hes an absolute romantic and i die head empty only love comte #not incorrect quotes #rambles #fangdad propaganda #comte propaganda

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nbrook29 · 4 years ago

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hiii, number 35 for the dialogue prompts. hope you'll have a wonderful day ✨

158 for Sobbe, I can swear that at some point in a AND THEY WERE ROOMMATES context Sander said this to Robbe, but I can't prove it sjjsjsjsjjsj

120 + 160 😋💜

1 for Sobbe! I've been listening to the song 'let's get married' by Mitski and it's soooo them, and maybe you get inspired by it too if you write this lol. Have a good day/night 💕💕

154, 28, 18, 9, 2 (just the ones u want❤)

30 for Sobbe 🧡🧡🧡

Hi y’all! I managed to compile all of these prompts into one 8k fic, I hope it’s okay 🙈 It’s too long to edit on tumblr so I’m posting a link to ao3 and a snippet of it below 💛

Also, I super appreciate all the comments in the tags and stuff ❤️

The dialogue prompts involved:

158. [text] Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness

30. “Did you do this on purpose?!”

28. “Stop pinning this on me! You started it!”

2. “Do you want me to leave?

120. “Your hair is so soft…”

160. [text] Who says no to sex and donuts?!

1. marry me

35. “I can’t believe you dragged me into this.”

LINK ---> hold all my cliches on the tip of my tongue

***

When Robbe enters the downstairs bathroom on a Saturday afternoon, it already looks like a mess, and they haven’t even started. The sink is full of various utensils and bottles thrown in there haphazardly and he looks around, his mouth quirking a little at how the place is currently the perfect representation of Sander’s chaotic energy. It’s probably for the best his mom is far, far away on another continent and doesn’t have to encounter this because she’s an orderly woman compared to her artist of a son, and it’s quite possible she would get a stroke seeing this.

And that’s even before they undoubtedly turn this place into a battlefield with their bleach shenanigans.

“Ready?”

Sander passes him in the doorway, accidently brushing his shoulder and shooting him an expectant smile. He’s carrying a wooden stool in one hand and a large chocolate chip cookie he’s happily munching on in another. He must’ve changed out of his black hoodie because now he’s wearing his “creative hours” white t-shirt, stained with a palette of intense colors that barely washed out in the washing machine. The cut off sleeves reveal his arms, and the tanned skin is contrasting so nicely with the whiteness of the material that Robbe’s gaze lingers a little on his lean tricep, taut when he puts the sturdy looking stool down.

“I was born ready,” he replies with feigned confidence that makes Sander arch his left eyebrow.

“Oh really? What happened to you being hesitant about this?”

“I realized you’re gonna look hot either way, bleached blond or bald, so there is no wrong outcome here, really.” Robbe smiles innocently, but his eyes are anything but, mischievous glints dancing in those big brown irises and it’s a look on him that never fails to make Sander’s fingers itch with the desire to have his way with him.

They have work to do though so he resorts for a cheeky comeback for now, knowing it’s going to tint Robbe’s cheeks pink right away.

“Are you talking about your secret fetish again?”

And there it is, a pretty flush spreading on those cheekbones chiseled by god himself and it’s super cute, even when followed by Robbe’s indignant scoffing. Sander absolutely adores that even over a year later there are still things he says that can make him blush and he already mourns the future days when it no longer happens and Robbe gets immune to his cheesy jokes. But, at the rate they are going so far, it’s not going to happen anytime soon.

Thank god.

“I don’t have a baldness fetish, jerk!” Robbe gives his shoulder a half-hearted push, flustered.

“Right, right, I forgot, I am your fetish.”

He’s expecting another shove but instead, Robbe’s features morph into a private little grin, his gaze dropping to Sander’s lips as he twists his fingers into his t-shirt, bringing him closer to seal their lips together for a few magical seconds before pulling back with a loud smack, laughing a little at Sander’s dazed but intrigued face.

Then he slaps his butt cheekily, effectively pulling him out of his reverie and leaves Sander wondering where that beautiful innocent and sweet boy he fell in love with almost a year and a half ago went. The beauty and sweetness is still there but the innocence flew out the window a long time ago and Sander feels pretty responsible for this glorious corruption, oh yes he does.

“Okay, let’s do this ‘cause otherwise we’re gonna be here till Monday.” Robbe points vaguely at the compiled accessories and then resorts to watching Sander mixing the developer and bleach together, occupying himself with reading the instructions on the bottle. He scrunches up his nose as the chemical smell irritates his nostrils and he’s honestly starting to feel sorry for Sander’s hair.

Once the mixture is ready and Sander is perched on the stool with an old towel around his neck, Robbe buries his fingers in his brown strands, loving the feeling of silkiness when he combes them back, making sure to scratch a little at the scalp.

It always makes Sander’s eyelids droopy, and the soft groans that leave his mouth when there’s a scratch at a particularly sensitive spot pull a giggle out of Robbe.

“I swear you were a cat in the previous life.”

“Probably, yeah,” Sander agrees in a soft voice that tells Robbe the skillful ministrations of his fingers are currently putting him on cloud nine.

“Oh my god, baby,” he moans, rolling his head slowly back and forth, and Robbe can see a shudder going through him. “If I’d known your hair bleaching assistance comes with a free head massage, I’d have recruited you sooner.”

His entire body visibly relaxes, Robbe’s magical fingers erasing every bit of stress that accumulated through the day with a practiced precision. “I swear, those fingers of yours were the god’s gift to humanity,” he pauses, his eyes searching for Robbe’s in the mirror as his lips stretch into a smirk. “Well, or at least a gift to me.”

Robbe indulges him because how could he not when Sander’s being so sweet and putty under his hands, so he doubles his efforts, receiving the cutest little purr at some point.

“Your hair is so soft,” he marvels, combing through it with awe. “I kinda hate myself for what I’m about to do to it.”

“It’s okay, Robin, my hair forgives you.”

Robbe lets out a woeful sigh and reluctantly disentangles his fingers from the strands. “Okay, now after I said goodbye to brown, let’s get it over with, shall we?”

#wtfock

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theydontknowaboutusimagines · 5 years ago

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This Christmas - A Harry Styles Series (Part 4)

Two life long friends. Secretly in love. Home for the holidays. Will they risk everything by telling the other how they feel? Or will they spend another year loving from afar?

Read these first Prologue Part 1 Part 2 Part 3

Harry stared at his ceiling after spending the last hour and a half trying to force himself to go to sleep. He kept replaying the moment he royally fucked up by not telling you how he felt. He sighed sitting up in his bed and looking out his window. You were sitting at your desk tapping away on your computer. He bit his lip contemplating on what he should. Harry knew if he ever wanted to have a potential future with you, he had to tell you how he felt.

However, on the flip side, telling you could easily put a damper on your friendship because there was a chance you didn’t feel the same way. And he wasn’t sure if you were even single at the moment, although since you hadn’t spoken of anyone by now, he assumed you were. Then he looked back at what he said about your books and how he saw himself in many of the love interests in the book.

You denied it, which he figured you would, but he could tell by the way you acted he was right. The first time he read one of your books, it didn’t take him long to notice the little details you had included in the characters you wrote. It also didn’t help when others were noticing the similarities either, but in an odd way it didn’t bother him. He felt flattered and now he wondered if there was a bigger reason why you wrote characters similar to him.

He needed advice, real advice and he knew just the person to get it from. He grabbed his phone off his bedside table and clicked on his sister’s contact for a facetime. Yes, it was late, but she usually answered anyway.

“This better be bloody important,” she mumbled as soon as the call opened.

“I’m your baby brother everything is important when you get to talk to me,” he smirked.

“I won’t hesitate to kick your ass in a few days when we get up to Mum’s,” she said.

“Oh, I know,” he said. “But seriously, I need some of that sisterly advice.”

“What advice you could possibly need at one in the fucking morning?” She groaned.

“Y/N advice,” he said.

“Y/N… ooooh Y/N advice,” Gemma responded. “Finally gonna tell her how you feel?”

“That was the plan… I was ready to say it and then… I choked,” he sighed.

“Like literally or-” she asked.

“No, not literally,” he rolled his eyes.

“Well, that’s good,” she said. “So, are you asking me if you should tell her or not?”

“I guess,” he answered. “That and maybe how I should tell her.”

“You open your mouth and let the words fall out,” she said.

“Gem, this really isn’t funny,” he sighed. “I’m serious about this.”

“And so am I,” she said. “You just need to tell her. This is Y/N, someone we’ve known for ages. I know you two haven’t spoken in years, but would you rather go on without telling her or know that at least you tried.”

Harry sighed, running his hands through his hair.

“Look at it this way, if you didn’t go in the X Factor… there’s a huge chance you wouldn’t be where you are right now with your career. If you didn’t get back in the studio to write your first solo song, you wouldn’t have a solo career, etc, etc,” she said.

“We all have to make choices in our lives, Harry,” she said. “Sometimes the outcome will be worth the risk and sometimes it won’t be, but we’ll never know unless we just do it.”

“I hate it when you’re right,” he mumbled.

“If you did you wouldn’t have called me in the middle of the night,” she said.

“Touche,” he laughed.

“But seriously, you better have told her before I get up there or I’m locking you two in the same room until you finally spill the fucking beans,” she said.

Harry rolled his eyes, “It won’t have to come to that, I promise.”

“I’m holding you to that,” she said. “Now, go to fucking sleep.”

“Goodnight,” he said.

“Night,” she said, ending the call.

She stares into his eyes noticing his gaze dropping down to her lips. Leaning forward, she tries to close a bit of the distance that remained between them.

“May I kiss you?” He whispered, looking deeply into her eyes.

Not trusting herself to speak, she simply nods her head in response to his question. He brings his hand up to her cheek, running his thumb across her cheek, before pressing his lips against hers. Tingles shoot through their bodies in response to the kiss. She wraps her arms around his shoulders, pressing her body closer towards him, while he places his hands on her hips.

Her fingers find their way into his hair as the kiss deepens.

You were so wrapped up in your writing, you didn’t realize someone was knocking at the door until it sounded like they were about to barge in. You glanced at the clock, wondering why anyone would be knocking at the door at that hour and why you were even awake yourself. You shook your head, closed your laptop, and went over to answer the door.

When you opened it up, you saw Harry standing there in his jogging pants and a hoodie.

“Uh… everything okay?” You asked.

“I’m sorry… I know it’s late… but I saw you were up and I hate to interrupt you, but this can’t wait until morning,” he said, the words leaving his lips so fast you barely caught them.

“Um, no it’s fine,” you said. “Come in.”

You moved out of the doorway giving him space to walk through before shutting the door.

“So, uh, what’s up?” you asked.

It didn’t take long for you to notice that something was really bothering him as he paced around the best he could in the smaller space. You knew it was small, but having two people in the middle of the floor.

“Hey, what’s wrong,” you said walking closer to him, which honestly wasn’t that far to begin with.

“I need to tell you something,” he said.

“Okay, I’m all ears,” you said, sitting down on the bed.

“This is something I’ve wanted to tell you for a while now…I don’t want you to think this is just some spur of the moment thing, but -” he said.

“You’re scaring me, what’s going on?” You asked.

“ILoveYou,” he said.

Your body froze as it took in his words… or at least what you thought he said.

“Did you just say-” you whispered.

“I love you,” he said. “I’m in love with you.”

Finally saying the words out loud, Harry felt a weight being lifted off his shoulders, but it was slowly creeping back as he waited for your response.

“Wow, there it is,” you whispered looking up at him.

Harry turned his face to the side, “What is?” He asked.

“I love you, too,” you said.

“What?” He asked, eyes wide.

You got up off the bed walking over to him. You were so close now you could feel his body heat radiating off of him. You took his hands in yours and you instantly felt something flutter inside of you as you laced your fingers together.

“I love you, too,” you repeated. “I’m in love with you, too.”

“Really?” He smiled, dimples and all.

“No, I’m totally lying,” you rolled your eyes.

He laughed wrapping his arms around your waist and picking you up in a hug. He tried to spin you around, but there wasn’t enough space. Both of you broke out in a bit of laughter as you held onto him. Your gaze dropped to his lips before you leaned in to kiss him. He placed you back on the ground, holding you closer to him, as he deepened the kiss.

Butterflies were flying all over your stomach and your heart was racing what felt like one hundred miles per hour. Harry pulled out of the kiss, pressing his forehead against yours, savouring the moment.

“Bloody hell,” he mumbled. “I can’t believe I wasted all this time not kissing you,” he joked.

You giggled, “I could say the same thing.”

Harry ran his hands over his face in awe, “Wow… I can’t believe this just happened… I mean this did just happen right?”

“Unless we’re both sleeping right now, I think so,” you laughed.

“Wow,” he said, sitting down on your bed.

You sat next to him, wrapping your arm around his and placing your chin on his shoulder, “Soo… I feel like we should definitely continue this conversation, but maybe we should sleep on it… before we get into the whole what this means and what happens next?”

“Yeah, you’re probably, right,” he nodded. “I guess I’ll head back inside and we’ll talk in the morning?”

“Or you could just stay out here,” you said. “I mean… if you want…”

“Are you sure?” He asked.

You nodded with a smile.

“Okay,” he smiled. “I’ll stay, but I need to get back inside before Mum wakes up. I don’t need her catching me sneaking back in.”

“Just like old times,” you giggled.

“Yeah, how come you never snuck over to my house?” He asked.

“Why would I do that when you were the one willing to come over to mine?” You said in a duhh tone.

“True,” he laughed.

You giggled, pulling back the blanket and climbing into bed. Harry smiled over at you as he slipped under the blanket with you. This whole thing should have felt awkward, but it was far from it. It felt… right.

“Goodnight,” he whispered.

“Night,” you smiled before snuggling closer to him and falling asleep.

The next morning you refused to wake up afraid the previous night’s events would all just be a dream. But when you did wake up, you were wrapped up in Harry’s arms, listening to the sound of his soft breathing and his heart beating inside of his chest. You felt like you were on cloud nine and you were just waiting for that feeling to come crashing down. You didn’t know what this meant for you and Harry now or what would happen next.

There were so many questions filling up your mind there was no way you’d ever get them all answered in a timely manner.

Would you and Harry give a relationship a try?

Would that be the best thing to jump into a relationship now that you two are just now reconnecting?

How would the potential long distance work since the whole long distance friendship thing didn’t exactly work the first go around?

Did he actually feel something for you all this time and never said anything, or is he just feeling something now that you’re here and he’s feeling a little lonely?

You really hated that you were questioning his feelings, but you also didn’t want your feelings for him to cloud your judgement on whatever the next step would be. Even though you’ve been in other relationships, you had no clue how to go about this with Harry. In the past, things started gradually. You two would meet, hit it off, go on a few dates and then decide on whether you wanted to pursue a relationship or not.

But with Harry, you’ve known him for years. You’ve been in love with him for years. You two literally confessed your love for the other hours ago… you weren’t so sure if there was a gradual pace for that. But then again, you didn’t want to move too fast either. A few minutes later, you felt a stirring beside you.

“Mornin’,” he mumbled, pulling you closer to him, if that was even possible.

“Hm, morning,” you smiled.

“So, last night happened, right?” he whispered.

“It did,” you nodded. “Any regrets?”

“Only that I didn’t tell you sooner,” he sighed, running his hand along your back.

“Was that what you tried to tell me on our walk?” You wondered.

“Yeah,” he blushed.

“And you not saying it, bothered you enough that you had to tell me in the middle of the night?” You smiled.

Harry’s face grew even redder than before, “Basically, yeah.”

“Wow,” You said. “You really have been reading too many of my novels. Cause I feel like that’s exactly something I would have one of the characters do,” you giggled.

“Hmm, maybe you should put that in,” he smirked.

“I just might,” you said, kissing the tip of his nose, causing him to scrunch it.

“We should probably carry on our conversation,” he said.

You nodded, “We should, but I need to visit Mum today. I feel bad I haven’t done so already. I had planned on going for dinner tonight, after getting a bit of writing finished, but I don’t think I’m going to be able to focus on writing until we talk. So, I could go see Mum earlier today and then come back this afternoon. We can chat over dinner and then I’ll see if I have time to write later on.”

Harry hesitated a bit before nodding, “Okay.”

“And plus, it’ll give us time to gather our thoughts for our conversation,” you added.

“Yeah, it will,” he said. “Well, as much as I don’t want to, I probably should get back inside before Mum notices I slept out here. I really don’t need her giving me that look.”

“What look?” You raised an eyebrow.

“The one where she questions my life choices,” he joked.

“Ah, the one you get very often,” you giggled.

“Heeey,” he whined.

“I’m kidding… sorta,” you stated.

Harry rolled his eyes before rolling over top of you and off the bed, “So, I guess I’ll see you whenever you get back?”

“Yeah, I’ll see you first thing,” you smiled.

“Sounds good,” he smiled, pressing a kiss to your forehead, letting the butterflies in your stomach loose again.

Once Harry was out the door, you laid back on your bed, wearing the biggest grin on your face feeling like a little school girl who finally got asked out by her secret crush. And despite all the what ifs and the unknowns, in that moment, you couldn’t be happier.

How do you think the conversation is going to go?

Find out in PART 5… posting tomorrow at Midnight CST !

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werezmastarbucks · 5 years ago

Text

more like honeymoon [2]

previous part

word count: 3769

warnings: loving couple throws fists

music: in the text

LOS ANGELES by blink-182 segment

You had a dream that the prison world was being destroyed. The fearful suspicion was on the back of your mind at all times, but you didn’t know how to express it. Kai always said you were the more paranoid one. All the bad outcomes, you always considered them. You argued that this kind of pessimistic outlook saved your live even when you didn’t know it did. Well, look where you are now, he would reply. Not that it’s bad, so I don’t know what I’m trying to prove here. He just liked to argue.

The white light together with earthquake came, and the ground crumbled beneath your feet. Kai was somewhere away, you could only see his silhouette as he stood on a hill or something. You were now staying in Los Angeles. The end came while you were running to him, the whiteness becoming your least favorite color. Your heart was tearing apart because you were so tired of something constantly trying to stop you from being together.

You woke up in your happy crowdless realm, the queen of enclosed nothingness, and felt like you wanted to go home for the first time. Just because this dimension was more fragile.

Kai was sleeping next to you, his nose deep in the pillow, and you had no idea which part of him was responsible for breathing. Like in a trance, you crawled out of bed and left through the balcony doors to look down on the city lit by nobody, to make sure the world was intact. It didn’t, and wouldn’t, go anywhere. You got used to being here alone and having it all, so quickly, a part of you couldn’t imagine sharing this planet, and Kai, with anybody.

When you returned to bed, Kai was lying on his back and staring at the ceiling. His hand took your chin and turned your head to him.

“Where were you?”

“I had a bad dream”.

Kai was a pro in bad dreams. He had a black belt in going back to hell through his dreams. Agonizing, long, realistic nightmares plagued his head no matter how deep he shoved it under the blankets. He looked a little strict for someone who consoles another after a bad dream. You had your suspicions he had other things on his mind. Sometimes you would catch him observe you as if he was expecting you to run away.

LA1 by Moby segment

You were finishing the book. This was the book you’ve been meaning to read ever since you were fourteen. When everybody nailed it at school, you were busy with other more interesting stuff, and so, you never ended up reading it. Now was the epitome of everybody’s ‘one day’. People leave interesting tv shows, tedious chores, the best packs of cookies and postponed hobbies for that cryptic ‘one day’ but it never comes. Not for most people at least. Now, you two, more so you than Kai, finally faced this neverending time period to do everything procrastination took away from you. You finally were finishing that damn book.

As you laid there at the pool of your new house, and the sun was sending blinding specks jumping off the water, Kai was drawing complicated shapes on the side of your leg and looking down the valley of Los Angeles, the city where he was king. Just like everywhere else.

“I think I have memorized every inch of you by now”, he said.

You swallowed down a sigh, because you were about fourteen pages away from the end. You knew when Kai started talking, there would be nothing else but talking for at least fifty minutes.

“Good, now, if I get into a horrible car crash and get terribly disfigured you will recognize my body one way or another”, you replied, trying to at least finish the page. Kai’s hand laid on the paper, pulling it away.

“Once we get out”, you smiled.

“If we get out”, he corrected you.

You let go of the book he was pulling away. He didn’t like sharing you.

“You think... we’ll be here long?”

“The spell is all we have, and it’s useless”, he shrugged like he didn’t care. “There’s nothing else. The ascendant is out there, and we don’t have a Bennet here to cut her...”

“Do these things have expiration date?” you asked, worried, “is it possible that one day, this prison will collapse and disappear?”

He looked at you, his hand caressing your knee absently.

“No, I don’t think so. It’s awesome here though, isn’t it? You like it, right?”

“Of course I do”, you nodded, without giving it too much thought. You looked down to the city where Kai’s gaze has been wandering earlier. “I’m still waiting for the horror to kick in, but it doesn’t. Either I’m too jaded to care, or...”

You bit your lip hard, thinking, whether you’re willing to spoil him. Parker’s palm squeezed your skin lightly. His hands were always warm, and he never refused to tickle you. He was a perfect guy to live with in a prison world: impossible to exhaust, handsy and resourceful. He could stay in one place for weeks, or drive through several states in one day. He knew every part of this magical planet and never felt lost anymore. It was bittersweet how this luxury of traveling without any discomfort came after eighteen years of him agonizing here alone.

He looked good with the hills of Los Angeles on the background, serving as colorful addition to him. His dark hair, and gun-like eyes, his demeanor of rich cynical kid who’s going to do you on the kitchen counter and never call again - only, Kai was following you everywhere.

“Or?” he took you out of your pondering. He didn’t like that either, when you drifted off in the middle of conversation. What are you thinking about? Who are you thinking about, Y/N? His tone of voice always said, I took you as far as an enchanted prison world so that you can’t see other guys, and you still have your head in the clouds.

“The feeling of having everything you need in your arms is intoxicating”, you sighed. The fundemental sensation of being completely satisfied with your life, while being in a literal prison world, came from the realization. Kai Parker was the final point of whatever path you’ve been striding. You weren’t one for professing your love passionately, or expressing it many times. But this one time you felt like you needed to get it off your chest.

“You ever had that?”

He blinked.

“Do you want to stay here, or do you want to move on? You wanted to see Fontana, right?” he asked, a bit lost, and he sounded like his mouth was dry. You took your book back from him.

“Pomona first”.

That night there was vivid change in Kai; instead of pounding you into the bed, like he usually did, as you both enjoyed it, he laid low, pressing you into the matrass with all his body. You felt almost like suffocating on the long, stretching feeling he was drilling into you with passionate, deep movements. For the first time you felt what it was like when you’re trying to jump out of your own skin with pleasure, after all the crying and moaning is just not enough.

“Wait for me, baby”, he was whispering, as you two moved together, hips to hips, shoulders to shoulders, and you thought your eyes will pop out, that maybe your nails are already halfway inside his shoulder blades. Kai was changing; he has been for some time now. He was becoming calmer and happier, and now, as he was making you come and told you to hold on at the same time, for a second there you could see him, shed of all his layers. The Kai Parker he would’ve been many years before, many tortures and catastrophes, and murders ago. The magic, devilish temptation, malevolence, misery and memories aside, there he finally was, a person who was begging you not to come without him, because even that, he didn’t want to do alone. As you clutched the hair on the back of his head, soft, just slightly curly, you felt your body fill with love, that kind that never really lets go of you. Because you finally saw the last manifestation of him, the last entity that lived in him, and it needed you, and loved you.

Kai, too, was making love as opposed to your usual experimental mutual fucking. Both types brought you joy; after he collapsed on the pillow next to you, you knew he would never be the old Kai. You could feel it in your guts.

I’M ON FIRE by Bruce Springsteen segment

“I could take you literally anywhere, and you still choose America”.

You dragged your now big bag on the glistening asphalt, sweating in heat, and gave up, motioning towards it.

“Technically, Hawaii...”

“Technically, Hawaii is America”, he nodded, picking up your bag, “but I hear you”.

“The Pacific, Kai”.

“You know what I did when I was here?” he asked, for the thousandth time in nine months.

“Climbed the Everest”, you chanted, rolling your eyes.

“Climbed the Everest”, he noted proudly. It took about a week? for you to convince him you weren’t interested in dying forty-five times before you finally reach the top of the mountain. He clicked his tongue finally, saying there’s no adventure to you. That’s how you ended up jumping off the Grand Canyon. Dares always led you to some drastic decisions you later regretted.

You settled on the famous North Shore, where the ocean was blue and green, and the palm trees swayed every day... all the day. At three oh seven, it rained for eleven minutes, and then, a majestic double rainbow stood above Oahu. The evening was so beautiful you felt you wouldn’t get tired of it in a hundred years. It’s really hard to get tired of hawaiian sunsets. Everything was perfect.

Until your phone rang.

When you were clutching on Kai, your belly bag was on you, together with all essential things in the world of the twenty-first century. You had your phone in there, the charger in case of anything, car keys, wallet, pack of plasters and some gum. It all traveled with you into the world of ‘94, and that’s how you listened to music from the future in the world of the past. The charger was especially useful, because you could keep your phone turned on and took pictures. Literally everything you did resembled a young couple’s honeymoon. You were forced to delete everything from your phone though, so that it could contain all the photos from different places. You even joked that, once you run out of space completely, it’ll be time to go home.

Another once we get out moment.

Now, your phone, that survived here for nine months because you were charging it regularly, rang, and you didn’t even pay attention at first. It hasn’t rung before. This thing is not supposed to ring, it’s supposed to play music and take pictures of Kai as he is being adorable, sleeping in his king-sized bed, his head buried in the pillow.

You stood like a dummy in the middle of the parking lot, waiting for him to bring the bags to the car. And the phone was ringing.

What is this noise? you thought. Then your hand slipped into your pocket, and your heart got confused as to whether to sink or to leap. Your brain got squeezed inside your skull. Rage, and relief, and worry filled you. You knew so many things at the same time. Suddenly you knew you missed home like crazy. You missed leaving the house and seeing dumb people around. You missed not being a spoiled brat living in the houses that didn’t belong to you. Missed the traffic on the streets, and you missed animals and birds. In this world, there weren’t so much as spiders, crawling around and creeping you out. Not a mosquito, not a lousy worm. No sharks in the ocean, no swallows in the skies.

Also, you knew you’d kick Damon’s ass so hard he’s going to choke on his own kidneys. You recalled the moment you threw yourself in front of Kai, so full of yourself, and announced,

you wanna send him away again, you gotta send me with him

and Damon looked at you with his ever exhausted silver eyes of a jaded cat, and said,

okay.

And sent you, the person he used to call a friend, into the prison world.

Also, you knew, somehow, that Kai will be unhappy about this. Many times that he asked you ‘you like it here, right?’ you felt he was now clinging on the very place he used to be horrified of. It was way more than your own ego, so you barely thought that it was you that changed his perception. You were secretly scared his mind will start telling him this condition of things is normal. That only two people in the world is normal. And he won’t want to leave once the chance comes. That all his once we get outs is just him playing along with you, while he knows, in the back of his mind, that you’re never getting out, and he doesn’t care if it drives you crazy.

You answered the phone and didn’t say anything. Damon was silent, too, for a second.

“Well”, he said finally, “how you lovin’ it?”

You found his cockiness inappropriate. Not like he has locked you in a closet with a bully and came round in fourteen minutes to check on you.

“What is it? Are you here?” you asked, you throat dry.

Kai left the supermarket and was about a hundred steps away. It was going to rain in half an hour.

“Yes, we decided to pick you up, so to say”, he replied shortly.

“You decided I have learnt my lesson? Decided I was now good to go home, that’s what you decided?” you asked, your voice bubbling inside your throat like a pillar of boiling air.

“Give it to me...” Elena’s voice was closing, and your lungs trembled. You have missed them all. Even the Salvatore douche. God how you missed others. You could see Kai slowed down. He had very good eyes, and he saw you were holding your hand to your ear. He was fifty steps away.

“Y/N, where are you? We came to get you back home. Listen, we never meant to...”

“Ask her about Parker”.

“Are you alright? Are you with him?”

“We’re not taking him with us!”

Your voice quivered.

“I’m fine”.

It came out less bitter than you meant; like you were about to cry, while in reality you were bursting with rage.

“Is he keeping you there? Or has he left you there alone?”

“What do you mean?”

The audacity of them. Left you alone. They’re the only ones who throw their friends into magical prison worlds, for nothing.

“Well, he has stolen the ascendant. We had to build a new one”.

“What are you talking about? Kai doesn’t have the ascendant”.

There was silence. Through the flapping hot hawaiian air, you could see Kai with the paper bags walking towards you.

“Yes, he does”, Elena chuckled sadly. “We thought he’d be out by now”.

“We only found one useless spell, Elena”, you growled, “how are we supposed to get out without Bonnie’s blood?”

“Oh my god”, you heard Damon mutter. The palm trees started swaying in front of you. You knew now yet another thing. You were just afraid to think it.

“Bonnie conjured that one without blood. We didn’t have much time, Y/N. It was just the spell, and the ascendant. You’re saying he found it? Why hasn’t he got out then?”

All your guts sank down there together with your mind. At the same time, there was nothing to be shocked about. The signs were all there. You never even showed interest enough for him to share about the ritual of traveling between the worlds.

“That fucking liar was keeping me here”.

“Y/N, where are you?” Elena was almost yelling now.

“Tell her to go back”.

“Is he abusing you?”

Your face got distorted with anger and bitterness at the same time; you could feel you’re grimacing at him, as the musles in your face and neck went tense.

A gust of wind slapped you in the face, and the phone slipped out of your hand. The invisible pull was so sudden you were grabbed, too, and nearly fell on your face, as the clutch pulled on your hand a little.

“Kai!”

The phone shot through the air, right into his hand, and fifteen steps away, you could see he was furious already. The temper of this guy.

He hopped through the air. Your head was ringing with the echoes of their voices.

Kai couldn’t wait to walk another couple of meters, so he just leaped to you using magic. Perhaps he also did it to startle you more; as he reemerged next to you, his hand laid on your throat, and not the usual possessive sensual way, but ‘i’m about to squeeze the life out of you’ way this time. Your head bumped on the side of the car. The only reason he didn’t smash the phone on the ground was probaby the amount of fantastic pics it held.

“What did he say?” Kai growled.

If you could talk, or breathe, you’d say he’s a dick. You fought him, the anger giving you strength, your fists hitting him into the chest and stomach.

“Is he coming for you?”

Kai was screaming, and you have never seen him like that. For a moment there it felt like the old Parker, the miserable, uncontrollable, lightning throwing witch was back in his skin again, and you couldn’t take it to fix him all over again.

Your hands grabbed on his forearm as you kicked him in the shin as hard as you could. Kai yelled, letting you go, and you could finally breathe.

“Dick”, you scolded, “you dick”.

Your voice was hoarse. He didn’t hear you. Kai was suddenly full of demonic fear and fury, and the noise; he barely felt pain which let go of him in a second.

“You’ve been lying to me?!”

“You’re not going anywhere”, he said, his voice quivering with how much he contained inside. All the acid lava sleeping in the depths of his being, frozen by the comfort of not being disturbed, like he was locked away in a mental institution, now rose again and illuminated his skin from the inside.

“You’re lying to me!”

Too bad you lost it, too. Kai might have become a little like you; but you have become a little like him, too.

“You said there was no way out! While you had the ascendant all along? From day one!”

“You said you liked it here!”

You charged at him, your fist up, and he blocked it easily, hitting you in the stomach.

So, he beats girls, too!

He was never good at seeing the kick coming. God knows why, if you wanted to defeat Kai Parker, you just kicked him with one of your legs. He never sees it coming. The fight exhausted both of you as you screamed atrocities at each other. You knew you were just letting the frustration out; that kind that floods over you when you realize you’ve been wasting months in the prison world while you had all the means of getting out that whole time.

Kai, however, was fueled by something more sinister than that.

You never really meant to hurt him. Just punch him in the teeth for being a proper dick. He knew he was doing wrong, otherwise he wouldn’t be asking this ‘you like it here, right?’ like a broken record all the time.

And like a fool, you always replied, yes, because it was truth.

He now believed you’ve been lying to him, too, like a scared cat that was suddenly brought in at the vet clinic and the doctor was clicking the long metal scissors in front of him. He felt betrayed. He thought you’re dreaming of getting out and see your friends again.

“I am not enough for you! You have the whole world! And me! So what, you meant something else when you said that I am everything you need?” he yelled. Almost at the top of his lungs. The clouds were meanwhile gathering above Manoa, to release the rain in ten minutes.

“I meant it!”

“Then why do you need to leave?!”

“Not me - us!”

“We are not going anywhere! You’re staying here, with me!”

“No, you listen to me, Parker, we’re going back there, together, just like we arrived here! This”, you pointed your finger at the wretched sky where even the rain was on schedule, “is not real”.

As soon as those words left your mouth, you knew he’d misinterpret them.

His mouth moved like he was about to tear down his own face and bit yours off with the bloodied teeth of a skeleton. You could feel your lower lip swell. Blood was dripping down your chin because of how hard you fell on your face after he threw you away with his witchy move. You were about to break his jaw completely, and it was his own doing. If he hadn’t wanted you to become a fighter, he shouldn’t have taught you.

Your right fist was shaking with pain. It felt like you shattered your knuckles completely beating on his stupid head. Nothing in the world could set it right.

“What did you say?”

You felt mortally tired. It felt like when you stood on the edge of the Canyon, like when you were about to fall.

“Kai, this world is fiction. We need to go back out there...”

“It doesn’t work out there!”

“It will”.

He panted. He spat the blood on the ground, and you felt like you wanted to stop fighting and start making out.

The paper bags were scattered all around the car, one lonely banana forgotten under the blazing sun.

“I will fucking kill you for lying to me”, you sighed.

“I thought you loved me”, Kai responded, his voice dead, and your heart shuddered.

“I fucking do!” you roared.

“Then why do you...”

and that, all over again.

#kai parker #kai parker imagine #kai parker x reader #vampire diaries imagine #tvd imagine

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hongism · 5 years ago

Text

finding beauty in your darkest places - chapter 9

➻ Pairing: reader x ???

➻ Genre: Psychiatric Clinic!au, Angst, Fluff

➻ Word Count: 5894

➻ Warnings: strong language; deals with mental and emotional illnesses and disorders as a heavy theme of the story, future graphic depictions of disorders - please do not read if this makes you uncomfortable

➻ Rating: PG-13/PG-15

➻ Summary: Everyone has their issues, and everyone deals with them differently. Jungkook thinks that avoiding his problems is the best option out there. aka Jeon Jungkook is the newest patient at the Omelas Specialized Psychiatric Clinic, and he just wants to get in and out as quickly as possible so that he can go back to university and be with his friends again. Of course, that doesn’t work out according to his plan.

➻ a/n: so i know this has been a loNG ass time coming but here’s chapter 9!!! i hope you all enjoy it, i don’t have much of a preface to this so let’s just jump into it!

8 | 9

...

Finding Beauty in Your Darkest Places Chapter Nine: Control

"W-What?" Jungkook asks, still in too much shock to think straight or say anything else. You laugh at the expression on his face and release his shirt. Jungkook falls back to the floor unceremoniously, hitting the tile with a small thud, and watches as you stand up straight.

"Y/N, come on! You can't push him around without warning, the poor kid. You knocked him down too." Seokjin chastises you for your actions, and Jungkook looks back to see the man close behind him. You stick out your tongue in response as you squat down beside Jungkook to be more at eye level with him.

"I'm certain that I know exactly where Taehyung's bear is." You grin again, the smile unable to be contained, and Jungkook notes that. He notes how the smile reaches your eyes, the usually dull film over them gone and replaced by a shining new resolve. Is it… is it because of the bear?

"Where is it then?" He asks, propping himself up with his hands.

"It's obvious. I can't believe we didn't look there sooner. I should've known." You stand up straight once more, the smile never leaving your lips as you look down at Jungkook. "Come on, follow me." Jungkook does as asked and hastily gets to his feet. You are already on your way across the room, not waiting to see if Jungkook will follow you or not, and he looks back at Seokjin. The older man merely shrugs.

"I'll see you later, Jungkook." He waves at the younger before heading in the opposite direction and leaving Jungkook to chase after you.

"H-Hey, where are we headed?" He asks as he falls into step with you.

"Oh? The library of course."

"Why—why would it be there though?"

"Early on – when Mingyu was still new to the clinic – he would hide things on top of the bookcases in the library because he was always so much taller than most other people. It was rather easy for him to keep things there instead of risking having the nurses find them in his room. Since he never spent time reading, people never assumed that he would keep things there. Namjoon caught him in there once putting things on the top of the shelves and told me about it, so we used to keep an eye on things in there. We never… well, we haven't done that recently because we assumed Mingyu had outgrown his childish shenanigans. But anyway, I should've known that he would've put it there. Makes so much sense looking back on it now."

"How do you—how did you confirm that it was Mingyu who took it?"

"There's no need to confirm anything, it was already obvious. Having known Mingyu for so many years now, I guess I could say it's an inevitable outcome." You shrug, slowing your pace a little.

"You seem very happy about it," Jungkook comments. He realizes a moment later when your expression flattens and turns deadpan that it was the wrong thing to say.

"Of course I'm happy about it. Taehyung will stop being upset with me once I give him the bear back. Things will go back to normal, and Hoseok will come back to the clinic soon as well. Everything will be fine again. Normal and fixed, at least for the time being."

Jungkook panics. The black water swirls around his ankles again, he feels its presence looming, feels it biting at his skin, the cold of it sending chills through his whole body. It swells around him, filling his vision until all he can see are your eyes. Your dark eyes filled with hope. Hope that is about to be dashed and crushed and swept away because of his actions. He can't say anything in response, he can't agree with you or offer any encouraging words. He knows things are about to crash and burn. It's about to turn sour, and Jungkook isn't quite sure of what will happen when it all crumbles, but he knows it won't be good for anyone.

The two of you reach the library as Jungkook's black water reaches his waist. Namjoon sits inside, in the same position he was in the first day Jungkook came to the clinic. Although it was not all too long ago, Jungkook notes that it feels like forever since that day.

"Oh hi Namjoon," you greet, the small smile returning to your lips. Jungkook hates it. He despises it, realizing that he would rather you be hopeless than see your hopes be crushed by his actions. Selfish. Selfish. "Jungkook, give me a hand and help me reach the shelf, yea?"

"What are you two doing?" Namjoon asks and snaps the book in his hands shut. You barely spare him a glance as you usher Jungkook towards one of the shelves near the wall.

"I had an epiphany last night and realized something," you explain.

"She came to visit Yoongi while I was gone yesterday." Seokjin's words are still fresh in his mind, and they still sting a bit too much for Jungkook's liking. He doesn't bring it up to either you or Namjoon, although it continues to linger in his mind as he watches you glance around the bookcases.

"Hey, are you gonna help me up, Jungkookie? I think I see something up there." You point to one of the shelves, and Jungkook follows your line of sight to the top of the shelf.

"Why do you need up there?" Namjoon asks. He sets his book to the side and watches you turn back to look at him.

"I'm certain that Mingyu put the bear up there. Do you remember what he used to do with the smuggled cigarettes and alcohol?"

"Yea yea, I remember that. I'll get it for you." He gets up and moves towards where you're standing by the shelves, nudging you aside with his elbow.

"No, you aren't tall enough to reach the top either," you complain, elbowing him in the side as well.

"Oh shush, Y/N, I'm gonna help you up." Namjoon catches your elbow before you can hit him again and tugs you closer, then hoists you up by the waist. Jungkook can't do anything except stand back and watch the scene, feeling strangely out of place. "Hey, don't kick me."

"I didn't mean to!"

"Sure you didn't."

"Oh fuck off, Joon. You know I would've kicked a lot harder if I meant it."

The scene is oddly domestic, something out of place in the clinic, something Jungkook isn't used to seeing or witnessing, and certainly not something he is used to seeing from you and Namjoon. Namjoon laughs at your response and lifts you up a bit higher. You pad around on the top of the shelf, swiping something from the top. It falls to the ground in a cloud of dust. Jungkook blinks down at it, eyes wide.

Sure enough, there lies a stuffed bear, greyed by dust, and his lips part in shock at the sight of it. Something much smaller lies next to it, also dark with dirt and dust, but Jungkook can't make out what it is from the distance he's at.

"Y/N…" He starts, not sure what to say. Namjoon lowers you to the floor again then bends over. He misses the bear completely; instead, reaching for the plastic bag and lifting it. He wipes the dust away with his thumb.

"Fuck," he mutters under his breath.

"Wha-at is it?" Jungkook inquires, leaning over to look closer.

"A bag of pills." You lean over as well. One hand rests on Namjoon's shoulder, the other lingers at your hip, and a sigh escapes your lips as you look down at the bag. "Why is it here though, Joon? Who's is it?"

"I don't know. I rarely see anyone come in here, but obviously, it belongs to either Yesung or Mingyu. Don't know why they would keep it here of all places though."

"It doesn't look like the pills either of them take."

"Did they… did they take the pills from someone else for some reason?" Jungkook asks. You look his way, head tilting to the side as you mull over his words.

"Has anyone discussed leaving soon, Jungkookie?"

"Um, yea actually. Jimin mentioned that Mi-Miyeon? Yea, Miyeon could be on her way out." You shake your head at his words.

"That can't be right," you say as you shift your gaze to Namjoon. "Miyeon doesn't take any pills, does she?"

"No, she's strictly in the ED division as far as I know. No reason for her to take pills in the first place. Besides, these are narcotics. Among all the patients, I'm the only one who is assigned to take them. No way in hell I'd give those pills to anyone, let alone Mingyu or Yesung."

"So…?" Jungkook trails off, waiting for Namjoon to follow up on his comment.

"So they must be getting the pills from a staff member."

"Why on earth would they need them though?" You ask. Your grip tightens on Namjoon's shoulder, and he glances down at you with a darkening expression. "And why the hell would they keep them here?" Your tone increases in fervor. Namjoon shakes his head, not saying anything for a moment. He continues with a quiet voice.

"They're up to something, I know it but… honestly, we cannot worry about that right now. If someone were to find us with the pills, we would get in serious trouble. That may be exactly what Mingyu and Yesung want. So please, Y/N, please just forget about it for now. It's not important. We should just leave them here for the time being." A frown comes across your lips.

"Mingyu and Yesung have never done anything drastic, Joon. You don't think – do you think they might try something?"

"I'm sure Yesung isn't the one behind it if they are. He just does whatever Mingyu says because that's what is easiest for him. Y/N, please try to trust me on this. I'll try my best to figure this out so you don't need to worry about it." Namjoon brings a hand up, resting it atop yours, and he squeezes gently. You blink back at him.

"I already trust you, Joon. You don't need to ask that."

"I know but…” Namjoon trails off, not finishing his train of thought as a sad gleam overtakes his features. He looks away and shifts his gaze to the floor instead. "Take the bear to Taehyung. He's been waiting long enough, hasn't he?"

"You're right," you murmur before retracting your hand from Namjoon's shoulder. Bending down, you lift the bear into your grasp and give a few measly swipes at the dust.

"Jungkook, could you hang back for a minute? I'd like to chat."

You glance between Namjoon and Jungkook, eyes narrowed and skeptical. Jungkook bites at his lower lip. Your stare is lingering, increasing his discomfort and the anxiety bubbling in his gut. A moment later, you turn away though and do not question Namjoon's request.

"I'll see you both at dinner then." You slip out of the library without further comment. The moment you're out of sight, Namjoon grabs hold of Jungkook's arm and tugs him further into the room.

"Things are getting worse between Y/N and Taehyung. And by worse, I mean quite a lot worse. Y/N thinks it's all because of the bear because Taehyung hasn't said anything."

"I know that. Seokjin mentioned it earlier."

"Well, yes, that's fantastic, Jungkook. It's a big problem. If she gives him the bear, it is not going to fix anything. She will continue to think that she did something wrong because of what you did. To make matters worse, Hoseok is coming back to the clinic tonight."

"Wh-What?"

"He's scheduled to come back around mealtime, which means he will most likely be there during dinner. Y/N still doesn't know about the pills or him trying to overdose," Namjoon explains in a hushed tone. Jungkook merely shakes his head as he looks back at the man.

"I don't – I don't know what you want me to do. I don't understand what you want me to do, Namjoon. You already told her to take the bear to Taehyung. What am I supposed to do?" Namjoon laughs at Jungkook's coming, a breathy sound that lilts through the air for a moment. He quiets down even further with his next words.

"She's not doing that though. She's in the hallway trying to listen in on our conversation. I know her all too well. But, Jungkook, she can't sit at Hoseok's table tonight. She really can't. I don't even think she should see him in the first place."

"No…" Jungkook mutters. He leans away from Namjoon, eyes crossing the older man's face. "No. She needs to see him, and she needs to give the bear to Taehyung. It will make her happy, Namjoon. She needs that."

"At what cost, Jungkook? For what? A sliver of happiness? I refuse to risk her sanity and wellbeing for a brief moment of happiness."

"Yoongi would. He'd want her to be happy and do whatever it takes to make her happy." Jungkook pulls his arm away from Namjoon, but the man only grips him harder and keeps him rooted to the spot.

"I'm not Yoongi, Jungkook! I have lost more than one person because I just wanted them to be happy. It fucking backfired so I refuse to risk that for Y/N as well. She is all I have left."

"Things change. It doesn't mean it will be the same for Y/N."

Namjoon's arm falls limply by his side. He looks down at the floor, and Jungkook can't see the expression that rests on his face but he isn't sure that he really wants to out of fear of what he might see.

"I can't risk that, Jungkook," he whispers, voice so quiet that Jungkook has to lean in to hear him better. "She's the only one I have left. Everyone else has abandoned me. I don't have anyone else in my life, not even outside the clinic. I was dropped here when I was 16. My family never came back to check on me or talk to me or anything. She is all I have left. I can't lose her no matter what."

"Then are you going to keep her here forever? Just because you're being selfish? How long has she been here because you refused to let her go?" Jungkook steps away from Namjoon, nearly tripping over his own feet. Namjoon… how long have you forced her to stay? Namjoon doesn't answer his questions, and Jungkook continues to glare at him with fury in his eyes. "I refuse to help you keep her miserable. That's not what she deserves, that's not what anyone deserves. If it makes her happy, then I'll do that. That's how you know someone truly cares about your wellbeing."

Jungkook turns on his heel, leaving the library without further comment and anger boiling in his gut. As soon as he turns the corner outside the door, he spots you. You're standing a couple feet away from the door, leaning against the wall with the stuffed bear hanging loosely in your grasp. Just as Namjoon said you would be.

"Take the bear to Taehyung," you say. You make no comment on whether you overheard his conversation with Namjoon or not, but Jungkook certainly does not want to press the matter. "Just leave it on his bed or tell him that you were the one who found it, I don't care."

"Why don't you want to do it yourself?" Jungkook says, head tilting to the side as he asks the question. "You deserve to give it to him."

"I really don't," you answer with a small shake of your head. "At the end of the day, I don't deserve anything, so it doesn't really matter."

"That's not true," Jungkook protests. He frowns back at you, your face stoic in comparison to his. "Taehyung would be more than thrilled if you gave the bear back to him." As soon as he concludes his sentence, you chuck the stuffed bear at him without warning. It bounces off Jungkook's chest and hits the floor with a soft thud. "Don't... don't do this, Y/N."

"What am I doing wrong? Tell me why I can't do this. It's my life. I deserve to make these decisions for myself, don't I?"

"You're trying to throw away your relationship with Taehyung," Jungkook bites out between gritted teeth.

"That's not true."

"You are pushing him away to save yourself."

"You're lying." You push away from the wall. Spit leaves your mouth as you hiss your words at him, pure vehemence in your tone. You begin to walk down the hall, and Jungkook rushes to pick up the bear from the floor and chase after you. "Stop fucking following me."

Jungkook persists still, hot on your heels as you move. "I'm not following you," he says under his breath.

"Fuck off, Jungkook. I won't say it again."

"Is it because of what Namjoon said? Did you listen to our conversation?"

"No, I actually didn't. I heard about ten percent of your fucking conversation and decided I didn't want to hear the rest. God, I could really use some cigarettes right about now." You bring a hand to your head, rubbing at the skin there as though it'll alleviate any of the pain Jungkook knows you must be in. "Before you make a smartass comment, I know it's bad for me and it won't help in the long run. I need that fucking temporary relief now."

"I know you do," Jungkook mutters. You opt not to acknowledge him or his words, continuing to march through the clinic with Jungkook following you like a lost dog. It isn't until the two of you reach the hall of bedrooms that you decide to speak to Jungkook again.

"I am still here for no other reason than that I am a bad person. I cannot get better. That is all. Don't sling accusations at anyone except for me." You slip into a room without even checking to see if it belongs to you. Jungkook blinks at the floor where you just stood. If he knew what to say, he might say it but he falls short. Yet again. I don't… I can't help. I don't know how to help. I caused this and yet – and yet I can't even try to fix things.

A sigh leaves Jungkook's lips. He turns away from the door and moves for his own, carrying the stuffed bear still. Stepping into his room, the chill is what hits him first. It's a cool draft from the AC, and Jungkook shivers under it, subconsciously bringing the bear closer to his chest. It's pointless really because Jungkook sets it down on Taehyung's pillow a moment later. It's only when he puts it down that he realizes you didn't step into your own room in the hallway. Rather you stopped at the room just before yours – Yoongi's. Jungkook hesitates just before sitting on his bed. The conversation he shared with Seokjin earlier in the day returns to mind, the older man's words coming to the forefront of his memory.

"They care about each other – Y/N and Yoongi that is – but it's always seemed as though they have a really twisted way of showing it."

It makes much more sense now. The differences in your relationship with Yoongi and your relationship with Namjoon. How any time something goes wrong you run to Yoongi rather than Namjoon, you search for Yoongi for comfort when Jungkook imagines Namjoon is a better option. How you and Yoongi cannot seem to hold a conversation without arguing. You mentioned that you had a different kind of trust with Yoongi, and now that Jungkook has an insight into Namjoon's feelings and mind, he sees why Namjoon chooses not to ask personal questions of you. Perhaps Namjoon is scared of what he might hear or he's worried that you'll say that you are doing better.

Had someone asked Jungkook whether he thought Yoongi actually cared for you on the first day in the clinic, Jungkook would have said he didn't without any hesitation. Now, however, Jungkook sees that Yoongi is the only one who truly cares about your well-being.

"I know it won't help, and it's certainly not good for her in any way. I'm just doing what I can though. If that's the only thing I can do for her, then so be it. It would've been a bad idea no doubt. I can't say no to her though."

Jungkook can't figure where the line is. Caring about someone so much that you would be willing to do things that could hurt them in the long run versus refusing to give them momentary happiness because you know it could hurt them in the long run. He doesn't know which is better. Is it better to risk hurting someone or prevent them from small happiness?

"I didn't need to know why. I don't need to know every little detail about what's going on in her life, to be honest. The things I do for her are enough, and I do them because I care about her. That's that."

He can't say no to you. Maybe that's the secret behind it all. Just not be able to say no, yet Jungkook thinks that would be an issue in the long run regardless. I wonder... does Y/N think the same about Yoongi? Does she want the same things he does? Jungkook clenches his palms around the fabric of his sweats, knuckles turning white from the pressure. She claims to know, she says she knows that it's bad for her. And yet Yoongi would still drop everything to give them to her.

Jungkook turns on his heel. It's not any of his business really. It doesn't involve him or matter in the slightest. In the long run, what is it going to do for him?

Selfish. Selfish. Why? Who are you? Why does it matter?

Jungkook shakes his head. The voice intrudes, pushing through logic and replacing it with emotion.

Think. Think. Jungkook. Think. Don't you know? Can't you figure it out? Stupid. Useless. Fucking idiot. Think. You're so useless.

Jungkook stumbles and nearly trips over his own feet. Grabbing for the wall, he steadies himself long enough to scoot towards the door.

Quit fighting. Are you fucking stupid? Just let it happen. Let me in.

Jungkook slams his head against the wall. Leave me alone. Just leave me alone. Fuck off. I don't need you right now. Jungkook hits his head a bit harder. The pressure helps alleviate some of the pressure for only a few moments before the voices are rushing back in, rushing to disturb Jungkook's peace of mind yet again. He slides the door open. I need you to leave me alone. Go away. Go.

Slipping back into the hallway, Jungkook slaps the side of his head with the flat of his hand as though that will help the voices leave. They are only relatively quiet when he's in the presence of other people, talking, chatting, listening, just doing anything other than being alone with his own head. He isn't wholly sure where he's walking to, but his feet take him past your room, Yoongi's room, and the one beside his. He stops before one of the white sliding doors and without thinking twice knocks on it.

It slides open with little effort seconds later, and the girl behind it blinks up at Jungkook with confusion gleaming in her brown eyes.

"Uh… hello?"

Jungkook stares down at her, an equal amount of confusion on his own features no doubt. Why… am I here?

"Oh, are you here to see Hyewon?" The girl asks, head tilting to the side as she looks back at Jungkook. "It's Jungkook, right?"

"U-Um, yea, yea I'm Jungkook. Is – uh, is Hyewon available right now?" Jungkook asks in response, a similar tilt to his chin.

"She is, yes," she answers. Jungkook can't quite place her name but knows that he's seen her sitting alongside Mingyu and Yesung with Hyewon before. "But… you aren't supposed to go into other patient's bedrooms without permission or accompaniment by a nurse?"

"It's fine, Hanuel." Hyewon steps into Jungkook's line of sight, her platinum blonde hair tied up behind her head in a high bun. Jungkook glances away from the girl in front of him – Hanuel – in favor of looking at Hyewon. "He already got permission from a nurse."

"O-Oh, I'm sorry for assuming." Hanuel shifts and steps out of Jungkook's path.

"Can you give a few minutes to talk one on one, Hanuel? It won't be long I promise."

Hanuel nods in response, her hair bouncing along with the motion, and slides past Jungkook to step into the hallway. Jungkook takes her place in the room, eyes still on Hanuel. The door slides shut behind him, the brightness from the hall dissipates and leaves Jungkook and Hyewon in a dark room.

"You can turn on the lights if you wish. Hanuel needs it to be dark in here, but if you'd rather turn them on, that's fine." Hyewon motions over Jungkook's shoulder towards the light switch. He just shakes his head in response, fingers coming back to toy at the material of his sweatpants as the black waters of anxiety lap at his ankles. "Why are you here, Jungkook?"

"Wh-Why did you cover for me and lie to Hanuel?"

"Oh? Did you not ask a nurse for permission?" Jungkook denies it with another shake of his head. "Then whatever you want to talk about must be important. I don't mind. It's not like you're breaking any big rules."

"Oh… yea."

"Why are you here, Jungkook?" Hyewon repeats. She doesn't move, still glued to the same spot on the carpet as before, and Jungkook doesn't move either.

"I-I don't kn-know. I guess, I guess I just need a distraction?"

"What do you mean?"

"I want to – I don't know. I want to just get my mind off things for a bit. I'm sick of thinking so damn hard. I just want to stop for a bit."

A laugh breaks through the lingering tension in the room. Jungkook peers at Hyewon as though she's grown a second head, the laugh out of place in the hush of their exchanged words. She clutches at her stomach as she laughs, the crisp sound echoes in the small room, and she slides down to sit on the carpet a moment later.

"Well then… how may I assist you, Mr. Jeon?" Hyewon motions towards the space in front of her, the invitation clear. Jungkook moves forward with hesitant steps and falls into a similar sitting position across from her.

"I don't know. You can talk about anything, I guess."

"I doubt you really want to hear my life story, Jungkook."

He shrugs. "Try me."

"Hm, if I tell you a bit about myself, then I expect the same in return." Hyewon points at Jungkook with her index finger, a narrow to her eyes that Jungkook winces at. "Oh chill, Jungkook. It's not an attack, it's just a fair exchange."

"Okay, y-yea. That's fine, I guess."

Hyewon pauses at Jungkook's stutter and hesitance. The narrow of her eyes increases. "Is something wrong with you?"

"What? What – Why would you think that?" Jungkook blanches at her question, panic arising quickly in his gut, the black water swirling up to his hips, and his breath starts to leave him a bit quicker.

"Well, don't take this the wrong way but you seem… relaxed? Confident? Maybe not confident, but just weirdly out of character. No offense but you normally act like a blubbering mess and can barely speak without stuttering at every word. Not to mention how you freeze up whenever someone asks something personal of you."

"I'm just listening to your earlier advice," Jungkook says. It's a quickly uttered white lie but a good cover nonetheless.

"My advice? What do you mean?"

"A-About Yoongi, Y/N and Namjoon. Uh, I know – I know what kind of people they are now." Hyewon's eyes go wide, and her lips part at bit at Jungkook's words.

"Really? That didn't take much effort on my part. So, do you remember what really happened the night of Hoseok's episode now?"

The question catches Jungkook off-guard. He leans back, spine straightened and rigid, and blinks at Hyewon with no words coming out of his open mouth. I know what happened.

"You're doing a shitty job at distracting me," Jungkook hisses. Hyewon answers with a laugh, another clear and crisp sound that tears through the room. She throws her head back while laughing.

"Sorry about that." Hyewon clears her throat, tucking a strand of hair that's fallen from her bun behind her ear. "I could tell you a bit about my story. If that would help in any way?"

"Sure, yeah, that sounds… fine."

"Ha, don't sound so enthusiastic. Well, I guess I can start with my childhood? As a child, there was this – this sort of terrible accident in my life. I don't want to go too in-depth on it, and frankly, I don't remember all too much about it. But I know I lost some people who were very important to me. My struggles started there, I guess, but the remaining people in my life tried to brush it off as a normal reaction to tragedy. For a while, I believed them and wanted to brush it off the same way they did, so I tried shutting it out of my mind.

"Well as I got older, I tried taking away the pain with other things. Drinking all sorts of things, every drug in existence, sex – anything to try and block it out for even five minutes. After a debacle, I was stuck in here because they thought it was the obvious solution. I mean, what else could they do?" Hyewon pauses, looking up at the ceiling and focusing on something up there. Jungkook peers at her as a cynical smile crosses her lips. "It's funny, you know. It's funny how only when you start doing things for yourself and trying to help yourself, people think something is wrong with you. Taking care of yourself is equal to being crazy. They never believe you when you say something is wrong with you. It's only when you take control. When they disapprove of what you're doing with your life and how you're behaving, they take control. They make the rules. They lock you away because they don't understand.

"I was happy. I was enjoying myself, I was doing what I wanted. Free from pain and misery and the horrors I had to survive. Every damn day I asked myself, "Why did I survive and not them?". I didn't have control until I took control for myself. It wasn't until I did that I finally started living. And yet they told me that I didn't deserve to live. Sure, I would've ended up dead at some point from all the alcohol and drugs I was taking. At least… at least I was feeling something other than pain. At least I was living. They don't care about that one bit. They don't care about the pain you're in. All they care about is what image it presents. How it looks to people on the outside. The lack of control."

"Control…" Jungkook mutters to himself. The words strike a chord, bite deep at his skin, resonate so much in him that it physically hurts. His chest tightens, heart clenching at the walls around it, and he blinks at Hyewon with narrowed eyes. A mirror, but not. Same story, different telling. Same life, different paths taken. All leading to the same place...

"It stressed me out, to be honest," Hyewon says, voice falling to a broken whisper. Her chin dips to her chest. "Thinking about how no matter what you do, it's never enough for them. But at some point, you have to realize that… it's not about doing it for them. You don't owe them anything. It's about what you owe to yourself. The things you do for yourself are enough, and that's the truth of it. So, how about you, Jungkook? What were your juicy methods of taking the pain away? And how did they land you here?"

"I…" Jungkook trails off. He swallows roughly around the lump in his throat, the black waters of anxiety quickly rushing to lap at his feet in the moment of weakness. A mirror. A mirror. She's a mirror. Vulnerable. Trust. I can’t trust her. No, I can. I can trust her. "I just would work out and control what I ate. I needed control. Had to have some sort of control in my life. Those were the only things I knew how to control. Just work out until I couldn't even feel my body anymore. Control what I ate until – until I was perfect. It was just easiest to do."

Hyewon laughs. "Why did you never try alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, or sex? That would've taken care of the problem in an instant."

"I wasn't interested."

"In what?"

"I never wanted to do something bad for me or that I would regret eventually. I've never been interested in alcohol or cigarettes, drugs are off the table. I never wanted to put more drugs in my body than I'm forced to already. Didn't want to add to the growing list of issues I have with my condition. As for sex, I've never been in a relationship, so I didn't even consider it."

"I have never regretted a single thing I did. Besides, you don't have to be in a relationship to have sex." Hyewon smiles at him, and the expression sends a surge of embarrassment through his system.

"I-I know that. I know. I know but I would rather it be something meaningful and worth something. Not something to take the pain away."

"Don't knock it until you try it, Jungkook," Hyewon scoffs. A knock interrupts Hyewon's train of thought. The door slides open, Hanuel steps back in, and Jungkook leans away from the girl across from him.

"I'm sorry. The lights outside were bothering me."

"It's fine, it's fine. I was just leaving." Jungkook gets up, moving back from the carpet. "Th-Thank you, Hyewon. For talking with me."

"No problem, Jungkook. Drop by any time you need me."

"I'll keep that in mind." Jungkook turns away from Hyewon and heads for the door where Hanuel stands. He steps past her, moves into the hallway, and walks back to his room with heavy feet. He barely has time to think about his conversation with Hyewon, everything is moving quickly again. He has enough time to make it to his door and find it wide open. Again, he finds an unexpected sight. Again, he finds Taehyung sitting on the edge of his bed, something in his hands. Except this time it isn't Jungkook's journal. It's a small stuffed bear covered in dark dust.

...

a/n: okay first of all, so so sorry for such a delay in updates for my series!!! i’ve been doing requests for such a long time that i completely lost track of time! i hope you all like this chapter, please let me know what you think of it 🥺👉👈

tag list: @succulentjinkook @mxrzan

consider sending me a ko-fi!!

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License.

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one-leaf-grimoire · 5 years ago

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“triad”

Chapter 10: the nightmare

Chapter ten, yay!!!!

Slight warnings: The main character goes through a LOT of self loathing, and has a brief suicidal thought. Also, there's like a slightly sensual implication... you'll see. Nothing too weird I just wanted to preface it with this warning.

AO3 link

“Preparations should be complete within a month. We’re gathering our best Spirit Guardians to train your Knights, and I promise that we will produce major results!”

The Heart Queen is a pretty young woman, who looks about as old as I do, her figure adorned in fine cloaks and medallions. A beauty spot beneath her lip completes her look in the most regal fashion possible. Seeing her sends a chill down my back, even though we only ever meet through a screen. The sight of the crown atop her head makes mine look a little lackluster in comparison. But none of that matters right now.

“Thank you, Lolopechka! You’ve really gone above and beyond for us.”

Lolopechka smiles gently out at me and shakes her head. “No, you’re the one who will be helping us.”

“We help each other… that’s what allies are for, right?” I smile up at her before turning to the others. All nine captains are here to listen to Lolopechka’s update. “In a month, please have some candidates in mind for the training. They should be the people with the most potential to move up to the 1st or 2nd stage.”

The stage system was a little confusing at first, but it didn’t take long for me to accept it as the best way to rank our magical abilities. My flame magic alone was close, if not already at stage 1. And my Dyad magic, of course, is Arcane. Arcane mages are those whose powers could probably defeat a devil already. But that’s not an excuse for me to slack off.

The worst outcome of this situation is that the Spade Kingdom defeats everyone we send at them. We have no idea about any of Megicula’s powers except the fact that it can set curses on people. If Megicula is much stronger than we realized, then our knights will have no defence against the unknown. I’m hoping to stay out of the actual fight and command from afar. But if Megicula and the Spade Kingdom come knocking at our door…

There’s a very real chance that I’ll have to fight it myself. While being seven months pregnant.

So… I need to be strong enough to survive that battle. It might be difficult, but I have to…

I pick my hand off of my stomach, where it had been laying all this time, as I stand up after the meeting ends.

For me… for Julius.

And that leads me to this moment, a moment I’ve been dreading this whole meeting. Each of the captains says goodbye, filing past me and out into the corridor. I smile and nod at each of them, but extend my arm to stop the last woman from passing.

“Dorothy… do you have a few moments?”

.… oh god… this is going to go badly, I already know it…

“Hmm? Yes, of course!” Dorothy stops in her tracks, bouncing a bit as she turns to look up at me. I’m not the tallest, but somehow I almost have to bend over to look her in the eye. The small witch has been awake for the last few meetings, a pleasant contrast to her usual slumber. She has a cheery, bubbly personality, and a smile that almost forces my anxiety out of my mind.

Almost.

“There’s… something I wanted to ask.”

…

Dorothy blinks up at me, her smile only fading slightly when she catches a glimpse of my worry through my face.

“Your dream magic… it allows you to create anything within your Glamour World, right?”

Oh god oh god.

This is going to sound bad, I know it. But I’m on my last straw. The meditation training has gone nowhere so far, only making me stress out more and feel hopeless.

“Yeah! Anything I want… I can even manifest things from your mind, if you go in there. Why do you ask? Do you need me to simulate something for you?”

I’m scared of the future. Not just for me, but for the Kingdom. Each day goes by smoothly, too smoothly, and gives me too much time to worry about the war looming on our horizon. People could die, my friends could die, civilians could die. If there’s any information about the Devils laying in the Simulcian’s past, I’m sure it will help us.

Because, I know… if anyone dies, it will be my fault. I’m the Wizard King, and I promised that I would protect this Kingdom with every ounce of my life.

Every… single ounce.

If my death leads to our victory… I will accept that.

“Can you… let me see Julius?”

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Last night, Adeline and I stayed up late, trying our best to clear my head and sink into the meditative state I crave. As the hours passed, it got harder and harder, until I was afraid to close my eyes for even a moment.

“Maybe… I know why it’s been so hard for you.”

I can remember how it felt as she held me, my body giving out and exhausted. I wanted to cry, to let all my emotions out, but I couldn’t.

“My grief, right?”

Grief.

No, it’s something more than that. More than loss, more than emptiness. Something I don’t have words to describe. Yet, it’s a feeling that’s distinctly human. And maybe that’s why I can’t bring myself to emote, why I can’t let my emotions show. Because I’m not human.

Why… why did Julius leave this to me? His Kingdom full of humans, left to someone who will never truly care about the affairs of humans?

It was then that the tears started to fall.

How… how can you expect me to be selfless? How can you expect me to be able to protect them?

I want to protect them, I want nothing more than to die for them. To die just as Julius did, to save countless people and igraine myself as a martyr for all time.

But… I could never do that, right?

“I…

I hate myself.”

The words are sour in my mouth. Foreign. All my life, all I could ever feel towards myself was love. I loved myself, more than almost anything. But that was because Julius loved me, right? And his soul loved me too…

But now, that love has faded, extinguished from this world along with his life.

“I hate myself… I hate myself…”

I could hardly feel Adeline anymore, her words falling onto my deaf ears.

For a brief moment, I looked down, into the void. And it consumed me.

It’s a curse, right??? The Dyad’s curse. I flew too close to the sun, and got used to the warmth of its rays. And when I fell back to earth… there’s nothing but the cold.

Nothing. Not the Kingdom. Not Adeline. Not my friends. Not even the baby. And not myself.

I’m the worst… the most selfish person in this world. I stole this position from people who deserved it more than me.

I’ll never be able to be like Julius… never… never…

So… what’s the point?

Why even try, if there’s nothing to build even the foundation of hope upon.

“I… I want…”

I want to die-

Fortunately, those words don’t pass my lips. I just cry into Adeline’s shoulder as we sit on the floor of my bedroom. Julius’s cold, empty robe lays folded by my pillow like it always has.

“Grief is hard, I know that. I can’t even begin to imagine how it must feel.”

Adeline’s voice vibrates pleasantly through her chest as I lay my head against it.

“But… maybe what you need is closure. Do you have any idea how to get there?”

Closure…

Without closure, I’ll never be able to move on, and be strong for the Kingdom. The ultimate enemy I need to defeat isn’t Megicula; it’s me. If I can’t get over my weaknesses, I’ll never be able to protect anyone.

But how am I supposed to get closure.

If only… there was a way to talk to him again.

Wait…

There is a way.

Oh no…

-----------------------------------

“...what?!”

Dorothy’s eyes blow open wider in shock as my words sink in. She opens and closes her mouth a few times before coming to her senses. “I… I don’t know if that’s a good idea…”

“I know, I don’t think so either.” Embarrassed, I avert my eyes, feeling my chest start to tighten. “But… it might help.”

That’s right… for the good of the kingdom, I have to feel better. And if this has the slightest chance of making me feel better, I have to try it!

“Look…” I turn back towards her as I feel her dainty hand gently touch my arm. Dorothy’s cheery aura is gone, concern straining her eyes as she stares up at me. “It might make you feel worse.”

… I know that. But I don’t think I could feel any worse than I do now.

“Please… Dorothy…”

I look down at her with pleading eyes.

She stares up at me for a long moment, then lets out a defeated sigh. “Fine… but I’m not going in there with you.” She reaches down and takes out her Grimoire. “Is thirty minutes okay?”

I nod quickly, giving her a relieved smile. “Yes, that’s perfect… thank you so much.”

“My pleasure.” Something tells me that she doesn’t really mean that. Dorothy gives me one more look before clearing her throat. “Here we go… Dream Magic: Glamour World.”

A puff of mana, and the meeting room disappears. I blink my eyes a few times as the scene fades in. It’s whimsical, with clouds and sparkles of pink and purple floating through the air. “Wow… this is Glamour World?” I turn around in place, my feet standing firmly upon their own cloud. I’ve never seen this spell purposely, and am not entirely sure how it works. But this is a landscape created for me by Dorothy, specifically for me. And soon…

“Darling! There you are!”

Up until this point, I was nervous and anxious, yes, but also almost giddy at the thought of seeing Julius again. I was sure that seeing him would give me the closure I needed. If I had to, I could return to this place again and again, satiating my need for him even if it was a synthetic remedy. But the moment I hear that voice, his voice…

My blood runs cold.

Slowly, I turn around, and see a man walking towards me. Tall, blonde, handsome, with a smile that could light up an entire room. One that could light up an entire dark life.

And yet…

I can’t bring myself to smile, or even move, as Julius runs to my side, his arms immediately pulling me into a bone-crushing embrace. After a moment, I hesitantly hug back.

This is… wrong…

He pulls back to smile down at me. His eyes still sparkle like they did in life, his unbridled joy plain upon his face. I can’t even resist smiling back, even if I can feel my heart skinking.

Because, even if I can see him, and touch him… it’s not him. The only parts of Julius truly left on this world are a shard of a soul and a baby in my belly. This thing… it isn’t him.

“It’s been far too long…” He smiles gently, but it still breaks my heart. Julius’s hand comes up to cup my face. “You’re the Wizard King, right?”

I blink a few times, then nod slowly. Julius laughs heartily, his eyes closing for a moment. “Well, then, you have a lot to tell me! I want to hear all about it… but not now.”

There’s nothing I can do but stand there, petrified, as Julius leans in, his other arm snaking around my waist and pulling me closer.

“There’s so much that I want to do with you… now that we’re together again.”

Oh… Julius…

His lips hit mine in a hurried kiss, as if he knows this moment is fleeting, something that will never last, something that will just make the world even worse than it already is. But there’s no way he knows that; he’s just an illusion, a broken dream, despair disguised as hope.

This is…

The clouds turn dark purple, like the sky before a storm. The void grows a little bigger.

But despite that, I close my eyes, and cling to his body like it’s the only thing real in this world. I kiss him back with all my might, giving into my desire, into the temptation and selfishness that threatens to destroy everything.

... a nightmare.

“Darling?”

“Hmm?”

I open my eyes to see him staring down at me with worry. His thumb comes up and brushes something off my cheek; a tear.

“Are you alright?”

I can feel his skin against mine now. His heat. But it’s cold.

“Yeah… I’m fine.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, Julius… please… keep going.”

Twenty minutes later, and we still lay there together in the clouds. I still hold him, and he holds me.

This is just like every night we spent together… every night I slept in his arms, heard him snore away in his sleep. Forgotten sounds, sounds that echo like a curse in my soul…

“So… how is it? Being Wizard King?”

Julius is just making idle conversation, moving between subjects aimlessly. But the words Wizard King draw my attention. I look up to see him tilt his head to the side curiously, eager to hear. “Not as easy as it seems, hmm?”

“Yeah…”

Not as easy…

“It’s too much paperwork… not enough fighting! Although, I bet you’ll be doing plenty of that soon.” Julius giggles to himself. “But you’ll be great, I know it.”

“... I don’t know…”

“Hmm?” Julius frowns, his smile only fading slightly. “Why wouldn’t you? I picked you, didn’t I?” Julius reaches out and slides his hand over my head, a pat meant to be comforting, but I almost wince.

Only ten more minutes… I just want this to end.

“...you…”

Thick tears start to bubble up in my throat.

“...made a mistake… I…”

The volcano erupts. My hands desperately try to cover my shame as the tears fall, my body racking with sobs.

Fuck… FUCK THIS!

I want it to end. This nightmare- no- this life.

But I can’t… I’m trapped…

“Darling! Ah! What is it?! Mistake!?” Julius’s hands rub my shoulders as he frantically speaks, just as he always did in life. “My sweet, you’re not a mistake! You- AH, I’m sorry! This is something I said, right? Hey, look at me-” His hand tries to grab my chin and gently make me look at him. “How do I make this right-”

“You can’t!”

I bat his hand away and sit up, his face blurry through the veil of tears in my eyes. Anger, frustration, emptiness, it’s finally all coming out, every emotion I had been suppressing until now.

“You can’t make this right… you’re dead!” I cover my face again, not wanting to look at him right now. “You… you died, remember?! And that’s why I’m in this mess! You…” I clench my fist, my hands dropping to my shoulders so I can hug myself. “You died… and left me alone…”

It’s a curse… I’m all alone.

“Darling-”

It’s because of you… that I hate myself. Because…

“I’ll never be a good Wizard King… I don’t want to be a good Wizard King. I just- I can never do what you did, Julius.”

My nails start to dig into the flesh of my hand.

“Y-you… why...”

My voice weakens, then sharply erupts again with my next words.

“Why?! Why did you tell me that you loved me more than anything?! Why would you say that, then die for the Kingdom?!”

He loved me more than he loved the Kingdom, yet he sacrificed that love for it.

He can’t answer me. I know he can’t. He’s not Julius. He doesn’t have the answers. But I keep asking anyway, desperate to let the questions out and relieve myself of their frustrations.

Julius died… he didn’t have to die, but he did. He refused to kill Patri, he refused to save himself. A selfless act, and yet…

I can’t look at that act with anything but bitterness. Because now I know, I wish he had let it burn.

It doesn’t matter how many people died… it doesn’t matter who was hurt. All that matters is that we were together. Yet, he betrayed that promise… he betrayed me.

But he was right.

Julius had no choice but to die. He had no choice but to give up on his love, right? But the thing that makes me feel the worst…

“If I had been there… in your shoes…”

I would have done the selfish thing. I know it.

I take a deep, shuddering breath. It’s quiet.

“And now… because you’re gone… there’s nothing left for me.”

I relax my hand, looking down at my palm. Blood trickles out of the cuts I accidentally clenched into the skin.

“I… I wish I could have died with you.”

For some reason, saying those words…

It feels good.

I’m the Wizard King, yet I’m the most selfish person in the Kingdom.

That’s it… the thing I hate most about myself.

“This world is so empty without you… there’s nothing but the memory of your love.”

My voice starts to strengthen again. I let out a breath through my nose, and my eyes close.

“I… I want to destroy it.”

There…

“A world without you… I don’t want it to exist.”

The tears that flow now aren’t hot and angry. They’re cool… almost refreshing.

I said it… I admitted it…

“I want to destroy this world, along with this emptiness. I want to erase it all.”

The words hang in the air, no one around to hear but Julius’s image.

And somehow… I smile.

Why… nothing’s changed.

But… I said it.

Were those words weighing me down this whole time? Maybe, my obstacle was never my grief, but my self loathing, brought on by an annoying, intrusive thought.

I’m selfish… I know that. I’m not human. I know that. I’m evil…

No. There’s no such thing as evil.

And anyway… Julius knew all this about me. And… he still loved me.

For the first time, I feel a pulse of warmth from within me.

His soul… stirring.

“Darling…”

I feel a hand on my chin, and this time, I don’t resist. I let him draw my gaze back into his. My eyes widen a bit when I realize that he’s been smiling at me this whole time, a relieved, almost comforted smile, despite everything I just said.

“Do you really think… my love is that weak?”

“...huh?”

His eyes close for a moment, as if he’s amused by my confusion. “Listen… My love still exists in this world. And it’s so strong, it will linger for eternity.” His thumbs come up and start to wipe away more tears. “It’s out there… I promise.”

Julius leans in, one last time, as the scene starts to fade away and I’m drawn back into the real world.

Somehow… I know that I’ll be able to face it a little stronger than before.

Maybe this isn’t the closure of my grief. It’s closure for myself.

Because, what am I?

I’m not human… I don’t even know if I’m a simulcian.

I’m a soul, a soul whose ego has been shattered again and again. A girl who wants nothing more than to give in to the temptation of destruction.

But… now I know… despite that, Julius loved me more than anything. He died for duty, but his love lingers on.

“You just have to find it.”

I will…

I’ll find it, Julius.

And for the first time in weeks, hope blooms in my chest.

Next time!!! Chapter 11: the curse. A second decent into the Simulcian unconscious reveals something sinister: the Dyad's curse runs much deeper than anyone ever thought.

#triad #fic #ajfksdl #Lisa's self loathing is coming out-#black clover #oc: lisa #oc: adeline

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dailyaudiobible · 4 years ago

Text

04/28/2021 DAB Transcript

Judges 8:18-9:21, Luke 23:44-24:12, Psalms 99:1-9, Proverbs 14:9-10

Today is the 28th day of April welcome to the Daily Audio Bible I am Brian still pretty much floating on cloud nine and enjoying that there's a new little princess in our family. So, China and Reagan are doing well and recovering. And sweet little Reagan, she is adjusting to a whole new way of being as she spends her second day, her second day with us outside of the womb. So, thank you for your continued prayers over China and ben and baby Reagan. Those of…of us who have experienced the coming, the arrival of children, then we understand that it's…it's a game changer, right? The page turns so quickly and all the sudden there's a whole new reality before us and it’s such a glorious beautiful, meaningful, purposeful time. And, so, thank you for your prayers over this little family as they begin to make these adjustments. And ss for all of us, we've gathered around this Global Campfire to take the next step forward in the Scriptures. I could just go off on many, many tangents just gushing. My heart is full right now with this arrival, but my heart is also full that we have gathered around this Global Campfire to take the next step forward in the Scriptures. For the last couple of days, we have been reading the story of the judge Gideon from the book of Judges. And we will continue with Gideon's story today from the book of Judges. We’re reading from the Good News Translation this week. Judges 8 verse 18 through nine verse 21.

Commentary:

Okay. So, it's pretty striking, jarring even, the magnitude of what we read in the Bible today. It’s like we’re reading this, and we read it and maybe some of these stories we know, or we’ve heard them many times. And, so, we read them but it's earth-shattering stuff, earthmoving stuff that we read about today. So, in the book of Judges we kinda reached the conclusion of the Gideon story. So, Gideon did lead the people to overcome the Midianites and brought peace to the land and they tried to make him king and he wouldn’t be King. And he was a judge for another 40 years and there was peace and then he dies. And then the level of injustice that follows this is staggering. So, Gideon has 70 sons. So, that's a lot of kids and probably they don't even all know each other but one of his sons, his name’s Abimelech and he's from a concubine that lives in Shechem. So, he would've definitely been considered kind of an outsider in the family, not really a true heir in the family. That’s how his other brothers would've looked at him. But once Gideon is dead he goes to his relatives in Shechem and is like, “do you want Gideon's sons ruling over you or do you want me?” Which…which eventually comes to the execution of the 70 other sons. Very tribal, very violent. I mean we can read it through our modern lenses and see the barbarity of it. And it's no less barbaric in a tribal time, but it is more common to attempt to completely and utterly wipe out your enemies by killing them and killing all of their heirs so that the very memory of them is lost so that somebody somewhere along the line can’t grow up and come kill you. But one of the sons escaped, Jotham, and eventually went up on Mount Gerizim. This is the amount of blessing by the way, the one that Moses spoke about, “go to mount Gerizim and recite the blessings of the covenant on Mount Ebal and recite the curses of the covenant…covenant. There…there like two mountains, to giant hills. I mean they’re mountains in that region, but they're not the kind of mountains we would consider the high mountains of the earth. But they’re two mountains and they sit between…well…Shechem is in the middle of them until this very day. Shechem, biblical Shechem, is called Nablus now but Mount Ebal and Mount Gerizim are still there. So, Jotham confronts and then he runs for his life and as the story kinda draws to a close, we just see that the people after the judge Gideon dies they just go back and just slide away and go back to worshiping the baals, go back to doing what they think is right in their own eyes. This is the time that there in.

If we turn into the gospel of Luke, I mean the level of injustice at the execution of Jesus is like supreme over all because this is humanity putting God to death. I mean I know that's a jarring thing to think about, but that's what's happening. And, so, we see in the Old and the New Testaments supreme, like just how far humanity can go toward the way of injustice. Like, this is the outcome of just how deeply dark people can go. So, in both of those stories we could say like, there’s…these…this is the level of injustice that is hard to even fathom, but in the same reading today Jesus didn't stay dead. He rose from the dead. That's earthmoving stuff. Like, that's…that's what has landed our lives here today to be hearing this. This is the victory over the darkness. Jesus rising from the dead is essentially a rebirth into life. In fact, that’s not like a metaphor that I'm using, this is something that the apostle Paul will say, that Jesus is the first born into a new thing that God is doing upon the earth and Jesus is the first born into that new thing among many brethren to follow, which is us. I mean the resurrection is overwhelming to think about in the Bible, and we can see in the news, like when the new starts to spread among Jesus followers it…it's…it's unsettling, like this is impossible. Even though Jesus said this would happen, this is impossible. And yet, they very soon find out it's very possible and that affects their lives so profoundly that, although nobody wants to die, they have…they have lost…they’ve seen what's going to happen and they don't fear this and they're willing to give their lives for it, which they eventually do. So, as I was saying to us when we entered into like the garden of Gethsemane and the Last Supper and the arrest and we were moving into this territory gospel of Luke, I mentioned like, let's not blow by this. This is…this is that story. This is the story that changes everything. This is the story that has catapulted our lives to this moment. And, so, we certainly blow by the resurrection, we…we want to contemplate that and meditate upon it today and understand the implications of it in our faith today. This changes everything forever. That's not small. That's big.

Prayer:

Jesus, we thank You for Your life and for the example, for Your heart and Your compassion and Your kindness, Your willingness to rescue we who You love, even though we don't deserve Your love, even though we can't earn Your love. Even while we were Your enemies You still came for us. And it's…it’s just that kind of love, that kind of love is what reveals Your kingdom. And we confess that what we want to participate in that. We’re just not capable of that kind of selfless love without Your spirit within. So, come Holy Spirit and lead us on the pathways of love. Love conquers all, even death we are learning. And we learn from song of Solomon that love is stronger than death. And in our reading from the gospel of Luke You were dead and then You were alive. And we are invited into that story. So, come Holy Spirit Awaken us, that this might settle in the profoundness of it we pray. In the name of Jesus, we ask. Amen.

Announcements:

dailyaudiobible.com is home base, it is the website, it’s where you find out what's going on around here.

And…well…what’s going on around you right now is the arrival of a new member of the family a new Daily Audio baby in our family. And, so, we are certainly thrilled and ecstatic about it and just that this is kind of our prayer request right now, is just the adjustment period and settling in and just all of the transition that goes into bringing a baby into the into the world and into a brand-new family. And, so, that's what's going on around here but everything else you can find out at dailyaudiobible.com.

The Community section, as I say often, is where the Prayer Wall lives and that is an always on and never off place to go. If…if you…if you want to pray or if you're in need of prayer, that's…that's the place to go. So, check that out.

If you want to partner with the Daily Audio Bible, if…if the mission here to…to keep reading God's word fresh every day and offering it to anyone who will listen to it, if that has landed in your life and has made a difference than thank you humbly, deeply, truly for your partnership. There is a link on the homepage. If you’re using the app, you can press the Give button in the upper right-hand corner or the mailing address is PO Box 1996 Spring Hill Tennessee 37174.

And, as always, if you have a prayer request or encouragement you can hit the Hotline button in the app, which is the little red button at the top, or you can dial 877-942-4253.

And that's it for today on Brian. I love you and I'll be waiting for you here tomorrow.

Community Prayer and Praise:

This message is for Alivia of New Mexico. I heard you say you wanted to hear from the community regarding how you might consider responding to a marriage proposal from a person you've been with for about three years. You mentioned being confused and having a hard time bringing yourself to break up. I hope you will recognize that confusion is a red flag. The enemy of your soul is the source of your confusion and he's come to steal, kill, and destroy. Being unequally yoked is about two in connection who have separate destinations. One honestly wants to go in one direction and the other honestly wants to go in a different direction. When they are yoked together at best they go in a compromised direction, neither going in the direction they wanted to go. That results in regret and mourning the loss of true life purpose. I encourage you to show your man respect and honor by allowing him to go in the direction of his choice. If he truly loves you, he will want you to live in your calling. I encourage you Alyvia, do not compromise truthfulness. Trust God's perfect plan for your life. His plans are always better than we know, and we will never regret trusting the one true God and savior. There is so much we don't know. Maybe your man will come to accept Jesus as a savior and Lord. Regardless of that, it is best not to foolishly rush in but rather wait on the Lord. God is truly good. Father I pray you give Alivia faith to believe your word and courage to follow your direction trusting your love for her and your most excellent perfect plans for her life in place of any other focus. Thank you for seeing us through Jesus loving us and receiving our prayers. We are your children saved and sanctified through Jesus alone. Amen.

Hello daily audio Bible family from London this is Sarah from London and I'm here with my nephews. What's your name? Malachi. And how old are you? 6 years old. And what's your name? Simeon. And how old are you? 3. Yes. And I’ve…they’ve just listened to Ezekiel on the Daily Audio Bible family and they want to say hello to Ezekiel. Say hello to Ezekiel. Hello Ezekiel. How are you? How are you? And what do you think of the…his reading? It was really good and lovely. Yeah, Malachi really enjoys it…really enjoyed listening to the reading today. And, yeah, so…gonna say bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. I hope you're all doing well Daily Audio Bible family and stay blessed. Take care. Sarah from London.

Hey DABbers, this is Retaining Honor, and I am calling in this morning with prayers for Alavia from New Mexico. And your message just so touched my heart because that is…that is my story, and I am unequally yoked with my husband and it is the number one thing that I pray about because I am now raising our child and I feel like I am alone in my spiritual journey. And dear sister that choice is yours to make. You can have a good life with this man that you have chosen and that you described but if it is anything like my situation your entire life you may feel like you are having to choose between the man that you love and the God that you love and the God that you serve. And I…I have not always put my savior first. And I urge you to look at your eternity and to look at your heavenly Father and to put Him first in your life and to think about, that…that this will impact your future family. So, I am praying for you as you are deliberating on this decision. And I love you sister. And also, so many people prayed this morning for Ramona from California. And Ramona I am a 32-year-old with a 7-year-old son and your testimony, your prayer request so touched my heart that I am praying for you dear sister. I can see my son also telling me that it would be OK and giving that same advice. He and I are so very close. So, sister I am praying for healing for you, and I am believing in healing for you and...

Hi Alana from New Mexico. Hey this is also my first time calling __ and I'm in Germany. So, I understand what you're going through. I also myself just got out from a two-year relationship that was really confusing. And one thing that I will share with you is once you're confused, God is not an author of confusion. Even if you do not have the strength to do it, ask the Holy Spirit for help and trust me He will help you to make the very best decision and as a believer that’s a woman only a man that really loves God can love a believing woman. And, so, you have peace, so you are no longer in a state of confusion where you do not have peace of mind ask the Holy Spirit for help. And I go to God. Father, please help Your daughter make the right decision and help her to see what You are protecting her from and please give her peace of mind that passes all human understanding. I love you all this is also my first-time calling in. I really appreciate this program. You all have a beautiful day. Bye.

Hello everybody. Hey this is Anette Allison from Oklahoma City. It is so good to hear you guys. Let you know surgery on my foot went good. Not sure if I have more surgeries or buy more motorcycles the numbers are quite similar. So, anyways thank you all for…for your many thoughts and prayers from most people and Daysha and Sally. I love you two so much. Thank you. Getting ready to go on the 29th to go pick up my son Alex from Durango Colorado and I'm going to haul him from there to my house. I'm gonna clean up his legal work but he's doing super good, and he saved up all the money I mean in like record time to get all the legal stuff handled and he'll be free and clear real soon and I am so thrilled to have him home here just for even a little while. So, pray that everything goes well, the trip is non- eventful. And we're gonna bring our dog and we had to put a big dog down and it was just rough. So, anyways have a wonderful day everyone. Take care. Bye.

Hello Daily Audio Bible family I am about 3 1/2- or 4-year listener calling in from Chicago and requesting prayer. I…for two things. One, I'm faced with a pretty important and quite honestly really tough career decision and I could just use some prayer for clarity and guidance and…and faith and just again a really clear vision on the path that the…the Lord wants me to go as I make this decision. Secondly, just prayers for my son. He continues…he's 25 and continues grow into adulthood and is also being faced with some pretty important adult decisions and I just pray that he will also seek the guidance and confidence and…and clarity to make the best decisions for now and into his future. I really appreciate it and love you all and love this community. Thank you.

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lady-divine-writes · 5 years ago

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12 Days of Blasphemy - Demon Side (Rated NC17)

Summary:

It's Christmas time, and Hastur hates Christmas time. Avoids it like chocolate and candy canes (since he actually enjoyed the plague). But here he is, on Earth in December, to meet with his least favorite demon ever. But his mind changes somewhat when it seems Crowley has started taking his job seriously again ... But, of course, things aren't always what they seem ... (1561 words)

Notes: Written for the '12 Days of Blasphemy' prompt 'kneeling'. Also, I'm going to cling to the idea that this is a Christmas fic the same way 'Die Hard' is a Christmas movie XD NSFW in the suggestive sense. Warning for implied oral and mention of Crowley's demon form. Basically, Aziraphale is a horrible angel to his poor, overworked husband.

Read on AO3.

“Hail Satan.”

A muffled squawk! and ruffle of feathers greet Hastur as he trudges through the muddy field to reach the assigned meeting place. ‘Bloody pigeons,’ he thinks, scanning the ground for a glimpse of the flying rats. ‘They’re everywhere. Been kicking them left and right all day.’

Of course, he’d been doing it on purpose, mostly for fun, but they still got under foot of their own accord far too often.

“Yeah, uh, you know … hail … and all that,” Crowley calls across the field, offering up a stunted wave, just the wiggle of a few fingers from beneath his collar, his voice hitching up in pitch on the word hail. He sounds uncomfortable, like he’d rather be anywhere but here, which is often the case, but more so than usual on this dismally wet (yet still festive) December night.

Hastur growls. He hates Christmas, loathes the good tidings and cheer that come along with it. There’s a farmhouse nearby, dressed to the nines with Christmas lights and puffy inflatable things that move their arms and turn their heads to reveal the manic smiles on their faces. He doesn’t understand their purpose other than they make children laugh.

And he despises the laughter of children most.

Hastur took the liberty of cursing a handful of them in various front yards on his way over – snowmen, Santas, reindeer, a polar bear or two. Even a bouncy castle, set up and waiting to entertain at a holiday party tomorrow afternoon. Some will simply deflate at odd intervals and require replacing, others will attack pets and children. At full capacity, the castle will collapse in on itself. There may be survivors. There may not.

Either way, the outcome should be hilarious.

Hastur does his best to stay below ground through the entirety of December when he can, avoids large cities entirely, but this meeting couldn’t wait.

Hastur stops a few feet from Crowley. On the whole, he tries not to get too close to him, especially since the bastard did set him on fire.

And after what he did to poor Ligur.

Why Beelzebub decided to give him clemency, along with another fucking chance, Hastur will never understand. But Crowley was a favorite in Hell once. Orchestrate a few wars, pull off a few inquisitions, mess with the construction of a highway, and you can get away with anything apparently.

Hastur looks Crowley over, baffled as to what the flashy asshole is wearing. He’s gone native. That’s generally understood. So nothing he does should surprise Hastur anymore. On the off chance Beelzebub doesn’t have anything ulterior planned for Crowley (along the lines of his utter extermination), Hastur should probably start giving Crowley the benefit of the doubt. He’d agreed to this meeting, for one. Showed up early even. That proves he’s making an effort, right? A demon who can withstand Holy Water doesn’t really need to worry about playing by the rules so the fact that he’s toeing the line should account for something.

Maybe Hastur doesn’t care too much about fitting in with the humans, but that doesn’t mean Crowley’s efforts to blend in aren’t, in some way, rooted in Evil. Maybe that coat of his is Evil, made from some critically endangered bird, like a giant ibis or a California condor, and constructed by child slave labor in Indonesia.

But the closer Hastur gets, the more disappointed he becomes because no, it’s not.

What Hastur thought was a coat is Crowley’s wings, wrapped completely around his body, gleaming like black ice in the dark, more than likely the product of thrice a day grooming or something else equally and ridiculously vain.

“What’s with the wings?” Hastur asks, gesturing to Crowley’s body. The feathers shift and adjust upon mention, as if trying to contain the whole of Crowley’s corporal form from escaping.

“I’m chilly,” Crowley replies, his voice tight. “Mmmph. You hate my clothes anyway. What do you care?”

Hastur stares at his colleague. Crowley is using a great deal of strength to remain impassive, indifferent, stoic, but Hastur can see the struggle on his face – a pain simmering beneath his skin like the dormant claws of his demon self shredding a path to the surface, longing to break free.

Crowley breathes in sharply, rolls his shoulders back together, then one at a time as if trying to relieve an itch without scratching it.

He used to be a snake, Hastur reminds himself. Perhaps he’s shedding.

Hastur shrugs.

“I don’t,” he concludes.

“Great. Ngk. Now that we have that settled, can we please continue? I have places I need to be, you know.”

“What do you have to report? And it’d better be good.”

“Well, I … mmph …” Crowley’s feathers shift again, trembling as if they’re deliberating between staying fixed to his body or falling off.

Maybe Hastur was a bit off the mark. Maybe Crowley isn’t shedding. Maybe he’s molting.

The image that brings to Hastur’s head of this preening peacock losing his precious feathers and looking like a plucked chicken almost makes Hastur smile.

“Well you what?”

“I’ve been working in secret. Uh … uh … undercover as it were. It’s not been long since the whole execution thing, has it? You lot still have operatives on Earth who’ve decided there must be a price on my head.”

At that, Hastur does smile. Whether or not that was his doing is entirely irrelevant.

But yeah, he did that.

“Fine. You’ll get more time. And the angel?”

“Wh---what about the angel?” Crowley stutters as if he’s about to sneeze.

“We’ve heard from our informants that the two of you are now … living together?” Hastur grimaces, the taste those words bring to his mouth vile, even by demon standards.

“Yes, I’m living with him!” Crowley snaps, but then relaxes a little, head lolling back on his shoulders, shielded eyes aimed at the sky. “That’s how I gain his trust … get him to put his guard down.”

“And how is that working out for you, eh?”

For the first time during this whole meeting, Crowley grins. “I’ve got him right where I want him.”

Crowley’s wings around the middle bulge out, then up. They shudder violently, then smooth back into place. He swallows hard, a complicated look clouding his expression. He makes an odd sound, like a whimper. Hastur frowns.

“What the Heaven is wrong with you?”

“Like I said … ngk … I’m cold.”

“You’re a demon! You don’t get cold!” Hastur watches, stares intensely at Crowley’s face contorting, his body undulating beneath his cloak of feathers but only subtly as he forces himself to fight it, and suddenly it all becomes clear. “I know what’s going on …”

Crowley’s yellow eyes meet Hastur’s. For a moment, he looks ominously surprised and terrified. “Y-you … you do?”

“Yes,” Hastur hisses with glee. “Your façade is slipping!”

“That’s … uh … mmph … one way of putting it, I guess.”

“Take this as a sign, brother! Forgo your human shell and let your demon side out! Come back to us as the full expression of yourself and take your rightful place in Hell!”

“You make a convincing argument. I … uh … will definitely consider that … ah!” Crowley doubles over, breathing heavily, shaking as if every maggot beneath his flesh has finally had their fill of being trapped and is growing fangs.

“You do that,” Hastur says, so certain of himself, he wants to add this development to his report for the day. But no, he won’t tell Beelzebub about it just yet. He’ll wait until Crowley arrives, strolling down to Hell in his glorious demon form – grey skin, yellow teeth, leather wings, possibly even holding an angel’s head in his grasp. “See you soon, Crawly. Good to have you back.”

“Uh … right …” Crowley pants into the dirt, bowed so low that the sputtering remains of his breath moves the tips of the grass.

Between Crowley’s heaving breaths and Hastur’s footsteps fading in the sod, a soft voice mutters. “Is he gone?”

“Give it a second, love, a’right?” Crowley whispers, his brain melting into a mixture of anxiety and ecstasy, swirling about the rim of a large, cosmic drain. “That was a dirty trick, by the way. Do you know how much power it takes to shield you from their notice, and then you go and pull something like that?”

“Sorry.”

“Yeah. You sound it.”

When Crowley feels Hastur leave, burrow through the ground and so far beneath the earth that something like a holy signature materializing in Crowley’s personal space wouldn’t be noticed, he opens his wings so he can give a hard, scolding look to the angel on his knees at his feet.

“Just thought I’d lend a helping hand,” Aziraphale says sweetly, licking his lips. “Or a helping mouth in this case.”

“Help with what?” Crowley reaches down trembling hands to slip his spent cock back into his jeans.

“Letting your demon side out.”

“Yes, well, you keep helping like that and you’re going to get me discorporated.” Crowley takes Aziraphale by the upper arms and helps him to his feet, but for all his fuss and bluster, there’s no mistaking the grin on Crowley’s face.

“Like you’re always saying, my dear - if you’re going to go … go in style!”

#good omens #ineffable husbands #12 days of blasphemy #aziraphale x crowley #crowley x aziraphale #Frankie writes

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onwardintolight · 6 years ago

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My initial TROS thoughts

I’m still on cloud nine from last night. Not only did I get to fulfill a dream of trooping at a local premiere with the Rebel Legion, but the movie.

THE MOVIE.

It was so much more than I’d hoped for. It was an incredible end to this saga.

I have a lot of thoughts, and it’s still all kind of jumbled up since I only just saw it last night (I know I’ll have a crazy amount of thoughts and theories and meta after I’ve seen it a few more times and had more time to digest it all) but I just wanted to get some of this out right now because I can hardly bear keeping it all in.

I will keep this spoiler free initially, then delve into spoilers under the cut.

First of all, I haven’t felt this way watching a Star Wars movie since I was a little girl watching Return of the Jedi. I seriously felt like a kid again. I felt that “Star Wars” feeling, that magic. I felt completely immersed in the story, led on a wild ride with no clue where it would lead. I felt the enormous stakes, I felt the camaraderie and love between the characters, I felt the depth and the meaning of the story that was being told and how it was both incredibly personal and galactic in scope.

Everyone has their own Star Wars, and I’m of the opinion that it’s all valid. Whether you’re primarily an OT fan, a prequels fan, a sequels fan, strictly old EU, or whatever else you may be, I’m here for you enjoying Star Wars in your own way. So please understand that when I say that, to me, this movie is the Star Warsiest Star Wars to ever Star Wars since the OT, that’s my perspective, and I respect your right to disagree (and I know many probably will).

But to me, this movie felt like coming home. This was, once again, my Star Wars, the Star Wars I fell in love with as a little kid.

When I say that, I also say that as someone who is a fan of the entire saga. I’ve grown to love and deeply appreciate the prequels. While I was initially disappointed by them, I’ve grown to love and appreciate the sequels, too. Rogue One is one of my all-time favorite movies, and I adore Solo. But TROS will likely be among my top Star Wars movies of all time, right up there with ESB and ROTJ.

I know this movie has divided a lot of people. Many people who had specific hopes had those hopes dashed. And I acknowledge that there were some problems that should be critiqued. If you didn’t like this movie, your feelings are valid.

But right now, for the most part, I don’t want to think about all that. I just want to celebrate something that I love and that has already meant so much more to me than I could have possibly guessed.

Before I go to the cut, I just want to urge you not to continue reading if you haven’t seen the movie and haven’t heard all the major spoilers. There are some pretty huge moments and reveals in TROS. I managed to avoid all unofficially released spoilers, and I’m so glad I did, because it wouldn’t have been the same. Seeing the facts laid out on a page is not the same as watching the journey. If I’d seen the facts, I may have scoffed at some of them. Instead, I let the story lead me, and I believed in it and I was invested in it with my whole heart. Unless you have your heart absolutely set on a specific outcome and you know you will feel devastated if it doesn’t happen, I HIGHLY recommend going into this movie with an open mind, free from spoilers.

AGAIN: DO NOT READ ON IF YOU DON’T WANT MAJOR, MAJOR SPOILERS. THIS IS YOUR LAST WARNING

Okay, now for some random spoilerific thoughts! This is by no means comprehensive (and rather OT-character heavy, though I feel a lot too about the ST characters), but just a few things I wanted to get out.

First of all, they did my OT characters so right. This was a better ending than I could have imagined. I do wish we’d gotten to see all three of them on screen together one last time, and I also wish Han and Leia had never broken up before TFA. But those objections feel pretty small now. The books made Han and Leia’s separation much easier to bear (it was clear it was only for a few years, and they still loved each other). And despite not being physically all together, I felt almost as if they were together in this movie in spirit. Each of the three got to play a part so magnificent and meaningful, I can still hardly believe it.

HAN!!! HAN APPEARING TO BEN!! I HAD NO IDEA HE WOULD BE IN THIS MOVIE BUT HE WAS AND IT WAS SO INCREDIBLY GOOD!! I want to cry just thinking about it. I know Ben said he must have been projected from his memories, but I think maybe, just maybe, it might be something more. Either way, it was one of the most powerful moments in the film and I wept.

LUKE. Luke got to prove that, as Yoda said, “the greatest teacher, failure is.” He was such a strong, benevolent, encouraging figure in this movie. I have no objections to where Rian Johnson took his character in TLJ—we all spend our lives learning and relearning the same lessons, after all, in deeper and deeper ways, and I felt it made sense for his character, AND it was a meaningful and powerful message/representation for those struggling with mental health—but I was also incredibly glad to see this Luke in TROS, “more powerful than you can imagine” as a Force ghost and just as much the Jedi he was when he threw his lightsaber away in ROTJ—and more, because of all that he’s grown through and how much wisdom he’s attained since then.

And OMG LEIA.

THEY DID MY PRINCESS RIGHT.

JEDI MASTER LEIA. LEIA TRAINING REY. LEIA’S LIGHTSABER!!!

I started sobbing the moment it became clear that she was going to use her last strength to try to reach Ben (more on that later). The sobbing continued when her lightsaber was given to Rey, and then that AMAZING FREAKING TRAINING FLASHBACK scene happened, and I was sobbing so hard from pure happiness, just processing all the joy, that I hardly noticed any details and had to ask someone later what color her lightsaber was and what was said.

This was, truly, Leia’s movie, just as it was always supposed to be, just as TFA was Han’s and TLJ was Luke’s. I couldn’t believe that they managed it. It was so incredibly meaningful and it was an incredible tribute to Carrie and to my favorite character.

Back to Leia reaching out to Ben. Over the years, I’ve slowly grown to be pro bendemption. That might surprise a few people on here since I haven’t written much about it—not for lack of wanting to, but just because I never really got around to it. I know many people who fervently aren’t a fan of the idea. I could write a whole essay on this, but it’s late so I’m gonna leave it at this for now: to me, it became so clear that he still had light in him, and the potential to turn back and atone. Plus, it hurt too much to think that Han and Leia’s son, and the Skywalker legacy, could fall and end in such evil and ruin. I wanted the Skywalkers to ultimately change the galaxy for good and bring balance and all that, just as was promised. I wanted this family to ultimately be this vast force of Light, despite all the evil the Dark unleashed through some of them.

Well, I feel like I got that in this movie. And not only the Skywalkers, but the granddaughter of Palpatine, too. It was as if everything that was dark and evil got overturned from the inside. It was so triumphant. The Skywalker legacy lives on in the best way.

But yeah, Leia being the one to really reach out and help bring Ben back to the light, and Han helping, was just everything my heart could have wanted.

Gaaaahhhh there’s so much more, and it’s getting late and I need to go to bed, but a few short things before then:

- THAT FINAL CONFRONTATION HOLY CRAP. I have so many questions but also I just loved it

- I even loved the kiss.

- Ben crawling back to help Rey 😭

- LANDO LANDO LANDO

- FREAKING WEDGE

- the whole dynamic between the new cast was just perfect

- the one thing I’m mad about and probably always will be is that Rose was horribly sidelined :(

- however I’m not mad, like a lot of people are, that Rey isn’t actually a “nobody.” I’ll write more on this later but for now I’ll just say that, while Rey being a nobody is a powerful story, I never felt like it had to be that way, because we’ve already got Anakin’s story. And, tbh, many of the Jedi. Star Wars, while revolving around a certain family, has never indicated that lineage is everything or that people can’t be heroes from anywhere.

- And FINN

- OMG FORCE SENSITIVE FINN I JUST WANTED TO JUMP UP AND DOWN AND CHEER

Okay this is really enough for tonight. Can’t wait to see it again tomorrow!

#TROS #TROS Spoilers #The Rise of Skywalker #The Rise of Skywalker spoilers #Star Wars #thoughts

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dejaaalm · 5 years ago

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Fearless

I remember when I turned 16 years old, my mom brought me to Subway to apply for my first job. Applying and doing the interview was easy, but my first day on the job was really scary. I had so many doubts and questions. Was I ready to work? To make sandwiches in a fast-paced work environment? To provide good customer service? To count money and give back change correctly? I had all the thoughts and worries a 16-year old would have on their first day of working.

I remember the supervisor teaching me how to make all of the different sandwiches - this meat goes in here and this sauce goes with this. I felt fine at first because he was there to guide me. I felt confident and rest assured knowing that he had my back if I messed up. Two weeks after training, I was on my own. I felt lonely and unsure of what to do. I did not want to screw anything up. I still remember the first time I closed the shop all by myself. I had forgotten the password to the safe, how to alarm the store, and how to refill the pop machine. It was a disaster and I remember feeling so overwhelmed and afraid that I would get fired.

This experience made a huge life-long impact on me. The constant battle of feeling so fearful often wrapped its wings around me. When I got my job at Hennepin County in 2016, the adrenaline of fear slowly crept up on me again. My hire group and I were in training for about 2 months and then we were left to be on our own to prove that we were worthy enough to make the cut and be a permanent team member. Previously, probation was 6 months long. Training lasted 2 months and then we have 2.5 months to process cases and have them be reviewed. I needed to pass both months with a cumulative average of 85% or higher to show that I understand policies and procedures.

I witnessed people from the previous hire groups get fired. There were a few people in our group that got fired or left to find a new job. I was mad and irritated with health care policies and processing procedures. I wept and wanted to quit every day. I felt so neglected by my senior colleagues and supervisors. I felt like God left me there to be tormented and slowly die on the inside because every ounce of confidence and pride that I had left within me had gone out the window. I began to question my own worth. Am I cut out for this job? Do I suck this bad? Do these numbers and percentages really depict my worth?

I was angry for a while. One day, I was praying to God about how hurt and mad I was about the probation process. During my prayer, God revealed something so prominent that I will never forget. In the quiet, I heard "But this was the job you desperately prayed for a few months ago. This was the breakthrough you cried for. Now that you have it, you want to quit?" Right at the moment, one of my favorite Bible verses pierced my heart: Jeremiah 29:11. "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Right then, I stopped crying. I stopped bickering. I stopped venting. I began to praise him and thanked him for all that I have been given. I promised myself that I would work harder and shift my focus from my defeats to my victories. I would allow God to use me, mold me, and take me to where I need to be.

That prayer led me to so many incredible experiences and connections with people at my workplace. This is not to say that I completely stopped feeling fearful, overwhelmed, angry, and anxious because I still feel all of these emotions from time to time. I still feel defeated and have lots of questions sometimes. The difference is that I have a better coping mechanism and I've learned to really do a lot of self-care. Instead of re-evaluating my entire life and mishaps, I focus on realistic goals that I can reach. Instead of feeling sorry or sad for myself when I didn't do something well, I focus on how I can improve. Shifting my mindset and letting God take the lead has really allowed me to take on opportunities at work.

I got two promotions last fall! I got promoted to be a senior and to be a mentor. I train new workers to potentially become a worker like my colleagues and me. I create training materials and activities, facilitate group discussions, train in-person and virtual training courses, and so much more. For the most part, I love my job. COVID-19 has really stretched my co-workers and me in a lot different ways on a personal and mental health level, but we're hanging there and doing our best to provide meaningful training content.

We have two new hire groups. Our Aug 2019 group completed their formal training and case reviews already but we are still providing support to them. Our March 2020 group started at a really awkward time. It happened right after Gov. Tim Walz ordered everything, except for essential workers, to shut down. We've been training everything virtually. We work with a very complex health care system so it's not easy training this stuff virtually.

Before the state was ordered to shut down all non-essential workers and employment, we were gearing up our Aug 2019 group for the formal period--that is to dissect their case work and look for errors. This process is currently on hold. I could see on their faces how stressed out they were. In fact, one of them broke into tears and walked out of the classroom a few months back because she was so overwhelmed by the amount of test evaluations they were taking. I was not there but when I heard about it, I wanted to hug her and tell her that everything was going to be okay. All of what they're going through right now is to prepare them to gain the knowledge and experiences needed for their future role as it has done for me.

I think our relationship with God is a lot like that. The beginning stages always feel like we're on cloud nine and things are going smoothly. We happily pray every day, sing songs of praise, read scriptures, and intentionally engage in bible studies with friends. We attend conferences, retreats, and worship events to be filled. We want and search for that feeling of "God is in my life and he's guiding me onto the right path." It feels good to have a sense of direction or feel that God is holding us in the palm of his hands. But what about when we hit rock bottom or get close to it? Or, how about the days when we feel like we're worthless, our life has no meaning or value, or you feel like no one cares about your passion and goals. Even in my own personal walk with Christ, sometimes I feel like that long lost and lonely 16-year old making sandwiches at Subway. I need someone to hold my hand. I hate the process. I hate the struggle. I hate what I'm going through. I need to be reminded of my purpose and that God still has a plan for me.

Often times, I was afraid. I was constantly afraid of doing things on my own, or facing trials and challenges, or trying new things, or believing that God really does have a unique plan for me. I realized that my biggest fear is actually not really a fear. I have a trust deficit. I don't trust myself, my skills and abilities, and sometimes, I don't even trust those closest to me. They say, trust in God because he has a plan for you. How can I trust in God if I can't trust myself and others?

Being fearless is something I struggled with. I'm afraid of so many things but most importantly, I'm afraid of my journey with Christ. I'm afraid to let God take control of my life. I'm afraid of being obedient because I don't know what's ahead of me. If you're anything like me, I like to read spoilers before reading a book or watching a movie or tv show. It is so weird but I do that all the time. I don't want to feel like I wasted my time on something so good but it ended so terribly.

It's easy to look up scriptures and read it and say "Oh, that was really good. I needed that today." This doesn't have any meaning. It's a quick "hand-holding" moment that often times lasts for a few minutes and is forgotten. One scripture in particular that has really been my living testimony the past decade is Joshua 1:9 - "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."

When I was younger, I always liked this verse. I had it memorized and even recited it out loud whenever I was afraid. But to believe and trust in it was a different process. To see the word of God come to life and manifest in my life was compelling. This bible verse is no longer just an encouraging or inspirational verse. It's alive! It's real. Believe it. Let scriptures come alive.

I don't think it was the struggle of the work or the amount of work that I was afraid of; I was afraid of not knowing what will happen. I was already afraid of the possible negative outcomes if my performance was poor during probation. I was afraid knowing that I was on my own. But God says that we are never alone for he is always with us wherever we go.

During this pandemic, it is completely normal to feel fearful. It is our natural response to a global disaster such as COVID-19. Our social media and news outlets continue to feed us fear. We fear of being disposed to illness, fear of being sick, fear of dying, and fear of running out of food and supplies. Our entire focus is on social distancing and staying safe. Fear has consumed many of us. I encourage you to relinquish your fears today, whatever it may be or what it is related to, and let God take the lead. He knows your strengths and weaknesses and what you are capable of doing more than you know. When you let go and let God, you find the courage and strength to overcome your fears.

It’s easy to fall through the cracks and let the enemy seep through with lies and chaos. Whatever you are going through, know that God is bigger. I often tell my kids to trust me because I know what’s best for them and I know that they don’t know, so in essence, God is the same way. We don’t know what the outcome will be weeks and months from now, but we do know that God is loving, forgiving, kind, and faithful. Call unto him and he will hear you. I am praying for you, dear friend. Be fearless!

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ranjxtul · 6 years ago

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Waves

Have some. aralyn angst, loves. TW for panic attacks and abuse

Since she’d been reincarnated, Aragon’s stomach dropped at the initiation of conflict. A deep feeling of uneasiness would creep through her gut and spread to the outer edges of her body. If she was involved in the conflict, she did her absolute best to diffuse it before it could get worse.

In no way did she want to the cause of, or in the crossfire of a large conflict. In her mind any outcome to that was completely detrimental. If she caused the conflict then more than likely, all anger would be directed toward her and should something happen, her opposition so to speak could devalue her or decide she wasn’t worth it. For that reason, she did her absolute best to not start conflict.

The other foreseeable outcome to conflict was having her words used against her. Anything she said in the heat of the moment could be twisted later, or held against her, regardless of how or what she actually said.

That being said, Aragon stayed out of conflict for the most part. The closest thing to true arguing she came was snarking back and forth with one of the other queens. If and when any real confrontation seemed likely, Catherine did everything in her power to appease whomever she needed.

The other queens had noticed this, but saying it aloud served no purpose. They noticed Aragon’s slightly wider eyes when she feared conflict for herself or one of the other queens. The aftermath of one of the only serious fights she’d been a part of since reincarnation had, unbeknownst to the others, resulted in a long, sleepless night during which she agonized every single detail of the encounter and her heart rattled against her chest as if it were trying to break free of the confines of the ribcage.

She tormented herself, deciding what to do differently the next time, wondering if her new at the time friends would perceive her as something she wasn’t. She wondered if they’d call her cruel or see her as arrogant. In all actuality, she’d been expecting those insults after.

To put it lightly, Catherine absolutely loathed conflict. She loathed being yelled at even more; this played into her avoidance. If she could back down before anything started then no one would yell. Being screamed at brought her back to Henry and his manipulation.

What she didn’t know was that simply observing a situation could trigger her. She learned this on one of the most unfortunate occasions she could’ve. Anne was taking her out for a dinner date.

Anne had promised to take her to this new Italian restaurant that had opened across town, and in a very Anne fashion, she’d been hyping the date up since the idea had come about. That was a hallmark of most dates Anne planned. She loved to advertise but keep the details secretive. She said it was for the allure and the mystery of it all, and Catherine found it endearing. She didn’t admit it though, she’d just go with it.

Granted, knowing they were headed to the new Italian restaurant was more detail than she’s gotten before. The day of, Anne had simply walked downstairs and announced to Catherine that she should wear something nice and be ready by six.

“Catherine, babe, we’re leaving at six tonight wear something nice,” Anne called as she walked into the kitchen.

Anna glanced up from her coffee, “Are you two finally going to that restaurant?”

Catherine shrugged, “We should be, that was the plan at least.”

Anne simply shrugged,”I dunno. Maybe. We could be going there, or to a different place.” The smirk at the edges of her mouth gave it away though. Anne couldn’t hide her excitement at taking her girlfriend out to a dinner she knew they were both looking forward to.

Aragon’s lips quirked into a small smile, “Mhm. I’ll be ready.” She couldn’t contain her own excitement either, Anne’s was infectious and truthfully Catherine needed a day to destress.

Nine shows a week took a lot out of a person as it was, and then throwing in personal matters of the week, life could be incredibly hectic and stressful. A date with Anne was almost always a perfect way to destress, and never boring.

She understood Catherine and as much as it sometimes made Aragon a bit uncomfortable, she knew all of her ticks and the warning signs. That level of understanding was lovely though on a different level. It meant if she needed physical affection she didn’t have to ask for it, Anne could pick up on it.

In turn, Catherine did her absolute best to learn Anne’s warning signs of when she’d had a nightmare, or been unable to sleep, or needed to talk. Getting to that level of communication and understanding between the two had been admittedly arduous, but ultimately worth it.

As many doubts as Catherine had about the permanence of her relationship and whether or not Anne would realize she wasn’t what she wasn’t or that she wasn’t good enough, she clung to what she had with Anne. Once she let it happen, it was arguably one of the most positive things in her life.

At six, Catherine made her way down the staircase wearing a short sleeved, pale yellow dress that clung to her body until it hit a bit above her knees, a trail of pale pink flowers dusting the sides of it. Anne stood waiting for her toward the kitchen door. She wore a black skater skirt and a form fitting emerald green crop top.

She grinned, seeing her girlfriend approach, “Oh my god, you look stunning.” She met Catherine as she stepped off the final stair and pulled her in for a gentle kiss.

As Catherine pulled back from the kiss, a smile of her own spreading across her face, she took stock of how Anne’s waves framed her face and how her green eyes seemed alight with excitement. “Says the angel herself,” Aragon finally complimented back.

Anne’s smile widened, “Takes one to know one,” she quipped back taking Catherine’s hand and pulling her toward the door. “Shall we walk? It’s not too far and it’s nice out.”

At Anne’s first response, a small blush had begrudgingly made its way onto the first queen’s face, but she nodded quickly hoping to cover it up, “Sounds perfect to me.”

Anne had been correct in saying it was nice out. No clouds obstructed the sky, the sun’s rays weren’t unbearably hot, and a quiet breeze filtered through the air. The couple chatted idly about different topics as Anne led them toward the restaurant.

Once they arrived and had been seated, Anne immediately took Catherine’s hand over the table. It taken a long time for them to get there and for Catherine to feel okay with this, and Anne couldn’t have been more proud of her.

The meal began as normal as possible, the two oblivious to the people beside them, preferring to stay much more focused on each other. It was right after Aragon’s entree had arrived she got distracted.

“Babe? Did ya hear what I said?” Asked Anne tilting her head curious as to what had caught her girlfriend’s attention.

“Hm? Oh what, sorry,” she shook her head apologetically. “Can you repeat that, love?”

“I was just asking when your random show off this week is,” Anne repeated glancing over to where Catherine’s eyes had been seconds ago. A couple sat a bit away from them, and at first glance nothing seemed out of the ordinary.

“It’s Wednesday matinee, when’s yours this week?” Catherine responded glancing intently at Anne.

The brunette glanced back, “Thursday night. I was hoping for a matinee so I could slip out and get Anna a birthday present without having to really try and hide it,” she shrugged, her face contorting for a brief second in disappointment.

Out of the corner of her eye, Catherine saw the man at the table nearby jerk his girlfriend’s wrist away from him, her face twisting in pain. Subconsciously, she winced. Once she realized what she’d done, she attempted to play it off. “What do you want to get her?”

Anne wasn’t a fool; she’d noticed Catherine’s reaction to an unknown stimulus. She glanced back around briefly, attempting to determine what could have caused the woman across from her to wince, but nothing immediately caught her eye. So, she turned back to the conversation, “Well, I thought about a dog, but realized Jane might kill me, so I was thinking maybe that leather jacket she saw a while back,” she shrugged.

“That’s a good one. I’m still not sure what I want to get her, but I do know Jane and I are going to cook her something for dinner,” Catherine nodded. In her peripheral again, she could see the angry expression on the man’s face and a sneering glint in his eye now. She could imagine his date’s reaction.

“Oh you should make bratwurst. She loves that,” Anne suggested eagerly with a nod. She opened her mouth to add onto her previous statement, but this time she noticed the couple Aragon had noticed. From her perspective, she could see the woman hunched into herself and frankly looking terrified.

“We were considering-“ Aragon nodded back, her conversational tone staunched by a venomous male voice.

“Why are you being such a bitch? I’m just trying to talk to you” It was the male from the table nearby. His voice was cold and hard as flint underneath, but overtop the malice a note of plea rang out.

That tone struck a chord in Aragon, it was too much like Henry. Too much like all of the times she’d tried to stand up for herself only to be shot down, or told she was a bitch. It was like all the times her vulnerability and candor would be used against her. She didn’t continue her sentence, or pay attention to see if Anne said anything. She only listened for a response.

The woman’s response if at all present was inaudible. The man’s was anything but, “Like hell you are. All I’ve been trying to do is have a civil conversation with you, and now you’re making me yell because you want to be such a bitch about every little thing.”

The underlying manipulation and implications of that statement burned in Catherine’s mind. There was no way that woman had done anything remotely ‘bitchy.’ She’d hardly spoken the whole time. The condescension in his tone, the guilt trip, and the anger were all too familiar.

It made Aragon freeze in her body, and it made her mind spin. A part of her mind remained in the present empathizing with the cowering woman, and the other found itself back in England in the sixteenth century enduring Henry.

Anne was torn between worrying about the couple who by now, was drawing attention to themselves, and Catherine. She’d stopped speaking abruptly and now she stared as inconspicuously as possible. That decision was made for her though when she saw Catherine’s eyes go distant and her chest started to rise and fall faster than it should.

Then it hit Anne as she replayed and listened to the man’s words, his attitude was reminiscent to that of Henry. A bolt of anger and a bit of anxiety of her own began to boil in Anne’s stomach, but she pushed it down and reached across the table to take Catherine’s hand again, “Babe, can you hear me?” She asked gently.

By now, Catherine’s mind buzzed with insults Henry had thrown at her back in the day, and instances where he had twisted her own words and victimized himself. Despite knowing he had been in the wrong, some broken part of Aragon still recoiled in guilt at those thoughts. She remembered how her pleas to stay had been received and how no matter what she’d done for herself or for Mary it had been out of control.

The vivid, swirling memories seemed almost palpable and brought Catherine a sense of being out of control in the present. That is, if she could identify being in the present anymore. Anne’s voice registered as a distant hum in her head against the white noise of thought.

Anne frowned when Catherine didn’t respond. Occasionally she’d flinch and the hand Anne gently held suddenly jerked away as if Anne were fire. “Catalina, Catalina,” Anne said again, standing up this time and going to kneel near her girlfriend’s chair.

Luckily nobody noticed the movement on their part as a waiter and several other people had gotten involved with the other couple. Before Catherine could start scratching at her arms like Anne knew her propensity was, she took both hands firmly. “I’m here. Try to find my voice, I promise. It’s Anne and nobody else.”

The hum of someone’s gentle voice created a contrast against the violent thoughts in Aragon’s head, but she couldn’t place the voice with distinct words or a name. All she could tell was that she liked the voice. Black spots started to crowd her vision as her lungs raged at the lack of air.

“You’re in that new Italian restaurant, and we’re on a date. It’s Sunday and we have a show tomorrow,” Anne continued. She attempted to use tactics she’d used before when helping Kitty or occasionally Aragon, but in those instances, she’d been able to remove her from the cause of the panic. In this instance, Catherine couldn’t move and the source was immovable as of now.

As Anne continued to speak, Catherine did her best to focus and finally put the voice to a name, Anne. “Squeeze my hand if you can hear me,” came her voice again. After a heavy pause, Aragon gave a weak squeeze and Anne let out a sigh of relief. “Good, that’s so good. Try and breathe.”

Try and breathe. Well, that was easier said than done. While Anne’s voice was slowly beginning to drown out the buzz and tether her to the present, it wasn’t enough just yet. She could only do so much at once, but she tried nonetheless, her mind fighting biological instincts every step of the way.

Against all odds, she rattled out a shallow, harsh breath which helped clear the spots in her vision. Anne gave a nod of encouragement, “Well done Catherine. Try that again. Here, follow me.” She started to overexaggerate her breathing, hoping her girlfriend was lucid enough to attempt to follow.

Behind the couple, someone had thankfully called in security so the man was being escorted away, but the damage was done, both to Catherine and presumably his ex. Aragon followed Anne’s commands to the best of her ability, and as she forced breaths in and out of her aching chest, the buzzing quieted to a hum and the room came into focus again.

Alongside that, almost immediately a deadening exhaustion and overwhelming guilt flooded her limbs when she realized what had happened and noticed Anne kneeling beside her. “I’m sorry,” she apologized in between breaths.

“You don’t have to-“ Anne started.

“No I do, I ruined our date,” Catherine shook her head. If she had been able to focus on Anne rather than someone else then she wouldn’t have panicked, and then they wouldn’t be where they were right now. This was supposed to be a fun, relaxing night and it had turned into whatever this was.

Anne shook her head, “No, you did not. Before you interrupt me again and insist you did, let me speak,” she said gently giving her girlfriend a pointed look. “You has no idea that you’d hear what was going on over there, and I did too. I don’t know what exactly was happening in your head, but I have a pretty decent guess. That man reminded you of him and sent you on that spiral, and that is not your fault. I don’t blame you for it at all,” she reassured her.

Catherine glanced down at her lap, biting back the tears that now threatened to fall post-panic. Anne had already seen this, she didn’t need to see tears now. Even with Anne’s reassurance she couldn’t help but feel like she’d ruined the night. She lacked the energy to argue though, so she just nodded, “Yeah.”

Anne nodded in return, observing Catherine’s clearly exhausted state. “Do you want to just pay now and head back? We can cuddle in one of our rooms instead of staying out,” she suggested.

Catherine gave another dull nod, “Can we?” As soon as those words left her mouth, another wave of guilt washed over her. She was making Anne miss part of a night out of her.

“Sure thing babes,” Anne nodded giving the top of one of Catherine’s hands a gentle kiss. She then released her hands and returned to her seat across from the first queen. As soon as the waiter passed by again, Anne waved him over and asked for their check which he promptly brought and she paid as quickly as possible.

All the while, Catherine’s thoughts ran wild, but at a much more lathargic pace. Aside from overwhelming guilt, the situation puzzled her. She knew she hated being involved in serious conflict, but could watching one go down really a catalyst for something like that? The thought made the woman frown. She’d seen Jane and Katherine fight and the situation had been unpleasant to witness but nothing like this. She supposed it had to do with the nature of this particular ‘fight.’ It had been one sided and abusive, much like Henry’s actions.

“We’re all set,” Anne’s voice broke her train of thought once more.

Aragon glanced up to see Anne beside her chair, holding her hand out. She took it pulling herself up, only to find the telltale aftermath of a panic present in her limbs: weakness. Her arms felt like deadweight by her side and moving a leg felt like moving a fifty pound box.

Sensing this, Anne wrapped her arm around Catherine’s waist to support her as they walked, and as much as Catherine wished she could have pretended like she didn’t need it, she leaned into it. “I love you, so much,” Anne said quietly as they walked.

Catherine held back the question of ‘why.’ She’d just ruined a date and before this she’d probably done a whole host of things to cause Anne major grief. Somewhere in a logical part of her brain, she knew Anne did love her and a panic attack wouldn’t change that, but seldom did that logic ever make itself known. Instead, she simply replied, “I love you too.”

When Anne and Catherine arrived back home, no one was expecting them to be home so early and so when the couple made its way into the kitchen the faces of the queens presents morphed into those of shock and upon noting Aragon’s state, confusion.

“Why are you back so early?” Asked Kitty from the table where she sat finishing up her own dinner.

“Is everything okay?” Anna added, eyeing her two best friends warily.

Jane stayed silent for the moment from her place doing the dishes, clearly everything was not okay, but now was not the time to press the subject.

Parr spoke up next, “Hey, let’s not push it.” Anne gave her a grateful smile before she led Catherine through the kitchen and up the stairs toward her room.

“You want to change before we lay down?” She asked, making sure to keep her typically loud voice a bit quiter than normal for Catherine’s sake.

“Yeah,” the Spanish queen nodded, reluctantly detaching herself from Anne. She dragged herself over to the chest of drawers that held her pajamas and pulled out a pair of shorts and one of Anne’s hoodies that she’d ‘borrowed.’ As quickly as her sluggish state would allow, she changed and made her way over to the bed where Anne already lay tucked halfway under the covers, her arms open.

Without hesitation, Aragon lay in Anne’s arms and curled up as closely against her as possible. Nearly instantaneously, a feeling of safety spread through Catherine’s body. It was the first time since the restaurant she’d felt safe. Anne’s gentle fingers rubbed small circles into her shoulders as she lay there and the tension in her spine began to release.

“I’m sorry, again,” Aragon apologized after a few more minutes.

“Shh, there is absolutely no need to do that,” Anne shook her head. The pure kindness and lack of judgement in her voice was enough to quiet Aragon down.

Anne knew her girlfriend wouldn’t last long awake now that she was less alert, so she simply awaited for her to fall asleep. In a matter of minutes, Catherine found herself fighting consciousness and soon after, her breathing evened out indicating a much needed sleep.

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hollandroos · 7 years ago

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Run To Me; Part Eighteen

Summary: Dad!Mob!Tom. Sequel to BAK but you don’t have to read that one first. If you wish too, the link is in my bio masterlist!! Where old feelings arise but other things get in the way. Whether it’s kids, fears or things from your past coming back to haunt you.

Run To Me: Series Masterlist!

Words: 3.2k

Warnings: Sexual content that doesn’t surpass R16

Notes: Hi! So you may have noticed that my chapters are getting shorter, and that is due to the notes dropping drastically on this fic. That doesn’t mean I’m going to just drop this fic because I do enjoy writing it and I can’t leave my babe's story incomplete!! But it means that the chapters are shortening in length and the storyline is coming to a close. Please remember to leave comments and send asks and lemme know if you’re enjoying it :)

One hand securely placed in yours, breathes– low pants against your neck and toffee coloured curls tickled the side of your face. It was definitely the same shampoo you used that one time you borrowed his bathroom and you welcomed the familiar, slightly musky scent. Everything was intimate. He was touching you still, heart beating profusely against your own chest and you weren’t afraid of the consequences of the situation. Those consequences included falling deeper into your own feelings and spiralling into a repeat of traumatic events.

There was a dull ache on your hips where he’d rested his hands at one point, one that you didn’t think twice about and there had previously been a trail of kisses, soft and loving between your thighs. The blanket, nothing more than a thin sheet now rested around your waist covering the small trail of bite marks along your hip bones.

“How was it?”

Tom's voice was husky but filled with a level of concern that could compete to his voice before you went through with your events. The way he’d asked you repeatedly if this was what you wanted, checking as he touched every part of you and slipped down your body, the way he took care of you with such ease. You had melted into him.

You try to suppress a laugh, swollen lips curling up anyway. “You said that as if I wasn’t just moaning your name two minutes ago.”

“I just want to make sure that I didn’t take it too far, sweet girl,” Tom tells you, floating on cloud nine himself as he continues to decorate the area scattered with colourful hickeys with gentle kisses. “Wanna make sure that you’re okay and not regretting anything.”

“It was perfect, you were perfect.” Your hands come up to brush up against his fluffy curls, brushing them away from his forehead with a gentle hum.

He sighs, forehead warm against yours and you feel the remains of a thin layer of sweat. Tom bites the inside of his lip. “You’re too good to me.”

“C’mere.” You practically complain, doing grabby hands and Tom pulls you closer, almost impossibly close. “If anything happens, I have the ring. I–I have it and I’ll be wearing it. Remember that”

He halts his movements, the gentle circles he’d previously been rubbing across your arm come to a sudden stop and out of pure shock, Tom tilts his head down so he can look at you, brows furrowed and eyes squinted in confusion.

“You kept the ring?” He asks gently.

You shrug your shoulders as best you can while laying on your side. “Of course I did.” Was your reply, sliding your bottom lip between your teeth.

“I thought you wanted to takes things slow?”

You suppress a laugh. “I threw that out the window the second I threw my shirt off.”

Memories of your activities flash through your brain, memories you hoped you would get to relive sometime soon. But life was unexpected, so, for now, you relied on memories. If you tried hard enough, you could still feel the mattress next to you caving slightly as he cupped the sheets with a deathly grip, hips thrusting into yours at a steady pace. There were probably dents in the wall from where the headboard had smacked against the plaster in a regular pattern.

You could still feel his wet kisses down your jaw, and reminisce while staring at the not deep– but jagged scratches down the skin of his back. Every single touch sent shivers down your spine, goosebumps to rise on your skin and dear god– Toms' arm had done a fine job at keeping your hips flush against the bedding.

“Knowing that you’re wearing that ring would really make things a lot easier.” He says, smirking gently against the pillow.

“You’re just saying that.” You say and yawn, closing your eyes briefly. You swore his bed was the equivalent to a cloud. Soft, plush, and always inviting. “I just want you to know that I’m as serious as you about this and that I’m not going to walk out this time. I’m here for the long run.”

“Hey, it does make me a little happier knowing it’ll be on your finger again. But I’m coming home, I’ll be okay.” A clock ticks away in the corner of the room, competing with Toms hushed words. You brushed a strand of hair away from his eyes.

“It’s just different that it’s your dad this time and not some drug lord or a stranger you’ve worked with once or twice.” You tell him, admitting the words that had been hard to admit to yourself. There was also the fact that Aiden was still alive and you feared his return, despite Toms reassurance that A. Aiden wouldn’t dare and B. He was already onto it.

“I know.” Tom states. “But I doubt my dad would try and seriously hurt me– I mean, he’s wicked but I’m his blood.” Tom stops, bringing your knuckles up to his lips and leaves scattered kisses. “Why are we talking about this now when there are other things we could do?” He smirks, beginning to slide down your body at snail's pace. It was teasing, tauntingly slow. “Let’s make the most of this.”

“C’mon,” You complain, staring down at the head of overgrown curls as they brush against your abdomen. Maybe you were a little needy, and maybe Tom was prepared to give you everything you needed.

“Mummy!”

He shoots up, getting tangled in the sheet and you try not to laugh, tugging it up to your chest with flushed cheeks and amused eyes. Tom wasn’t having it, breathing deeply thanks to the panic that had set in for those few seconds that he was trapped under the blankets while your daughter ran in on her toes, nightdress flowing freely as she ran in, a toy in hand.

“Fuck.” He mutters, cursing under his breath. Luckily Rosie– who now stood on the side of the bed hadn’t heard a thing. Neither of you heard her race down the hall and neither of you had heard the door open. “What’s up pumpkin?”

“Cuddles.” She cracks a cheesy, yet tired grin and puts her arms up, waiting for one of you to lift her.

Looks like your night just kept getting better.

The next morning, Tom struggled to get out of bed.

And it wasn’t because he was caught up in a web of sheets, head lodged between two pillows or because your arms were securely wrapped around his torso, Rosie's legs laying on top of him until he was trapped unless he wanted to wake you two up. No, it wasn’t really that, but the fact that he was swarmed with thoughts about not coming back, about not reliving last night and this morning because minutes after Rosie had come in and the two of you had a suitable amount of clothing on, she had lodged her way in between your bodies, more so on Toms chest and had drifted off into a deep sleep after half an hour of poking and prodding and toms cheeks and upper chest.

He struggled to get up because he wanted to take as long as he possibly could to savour every second he had left with the two of you because the outcome of today's events was unknown, and maybe he’d lied to you about his dad being the slightest bit sane to keep you calm, or maybe to keep himself calm. Tom knew one thing, and that was that he barely knew anything right now.

He’d hauled himself up ten minutes later then he should have, untucking the mess of sheets and retucking them around your body, pulling them up to Rosie's waist. He planted a kiss on her forehead before moving to you and she hadn’t stirred in the slightest but you… you pecked an eye open, blinking through the morning blurs and grabbed his hand right before he could disappear on you. Maybe it was because you were still in and out of sleep and it was making you more honest, maybe.

“Tom,” You had stirred, twisting around, swatting strands of hair away from your face. “We love you.”

You’d deal with any consequences later.

Tom didn’t know what to say so instead he strokes your cheek with one hand, leaning down kisses you softly. “I’ll see you later.”

“Right, so here’s the plan.” Tom sprawled the paper out on the table, a selection of dots and markers scattering the wood. Tom placed his pointer finger down harshly, assertively. “We wait for him, no one acts out of place, got it? He’s coming to us.”

Sam furrows his brows, glancing towards Jacob who stood near the back of the group of five. “How will we know when he gets there? I mean, he knows all of the secret entries and he may just rock up at the front doors.”

“I’ve spoken to Z and Jacob, they’ll be on the lookout but only them. Dom has eyes everywhere and they can’t see us acting suspiciously or they’ll pull the plug, Harry shouldn’t even be here, to begin with.” Tom snarled, he was still bitter.

Harry sent his brother a glance, knowing that the boy was still mad about him going behind his back even if in the end, it had a positive impact on the mob. Or at least they hoped that it would and god, for Harry's sake it better. Harry understood that if things were the other way around then he would’ve been mad too, but it didn’t help him feel any less bitter then what he currently felt. Emotions were running wild.

Z nods her head, hands on her hips as she listens more attentively then any of the boys in the room. “We can do this, It’s one of the easiest missions yet. You can trust Jacob and me, Tom.”

The female mobster wore her hair in a tight bun, loose strands falling around her face while the rest was gelled back. A skin-tight tee hugged her from the waist up and a pair of jeans accompanied her, rings and jewels worth thousands decorating her hands and neck. Zendaya– best known by the mob as Z was one of Toms go to people, but also one of the most secretive. She was his dirty little secret, but not in the way that you’re thinking.

Tom went to her when he needed the utmost secret business done, most undercover stuff that not even the brothers could find out about and she never peeped a word. She was sneaky and had a way of doing things that just worked. Something not even Tom understood, but he wasn’t sure that he wanted to ask.

“I have no doubts when it comes to either of you.” Tom glanced between the two, speaking genuinely and they smirk in his direction. They were the only people besides Sam and you that he’d trust with his life– sometimes Harry– currently, Harry was on his shit list.

The twins rolled their eyes, one of them snorted and if Tom were looking then he would’ve known who. Then he hears Harry pipe up.

“What about us?”

The eldest brother squints his eyes, glaring at the two through a hooded gaze. “I have multiple doubts.”

“Hey–”

Rosie tapped you on the arm again, watching your stir. She waited until you peaked an eye open, struggling to look up at the four-year old through hooded lashes. She sat cross-legged, wild curls held back by a set of Minnie mouse ears and you smiled- though that wouldn’t last long. You looked at her and felt pride swell in your chest, smiling lightly at the girl that was beyond gorgeous– exceeded smart and radiated good– yet sarcastic energy.

Everything felt okay until you realised that the space beside you was empty and you vaguely remembered waking up to the rustling of sheets around half an hour ago. But that moment was hazy and you were too tired to remember what had happened. Toms' fingers had traced the line of your jaw, lips pressing a butterfly kiss to your forehead. His touch lingered.

“Morning.” You mutter, words muffled as the pillows cover your face. Rosie wasn’t happy with your words, throwing the blanket off of your body and you’re welcomed with a gust of cold air. How that girl sat up, nightgown barely covering her legs and arms, you didn’t know.

“I have my appointment today, it’s the fourteenth.” She tells you, picking with the plaster on her cast. The bruises and cuts that had littered her cheeks had forehead were fading, slowly becoming a less ugly shade of purple and blue. And the cuts were becoming scars– scars that you had to work very hard to make sure she didn’t pick.

“What– oh fuck.” You’re confused for a second before you realise what she means and sit up, blankets pooling on your lap.

“Yeah, fuck.” She replies smartly. Your features go from stressed too hard in less then a second, sending her a glare though you knew it was your fault for swearing in the first place, Rosie smiles innocently.

“Don’t repeat that.” You tell her.

Rosie nods though you knew it wouldn’t be the last of it. The small girl was too consumed with the thought of finally leaving the house for the first time since they’d arrived. She loved the house, there was always something to do but she was itching to get in the car and go for a drive, or go to the park or just get out anywhere where she wasn’t confined behind those large gates that surrounded the perimeter.

“What about my appointment?” She presses, swinging her arm up in the air. The word ‘Appointment’ was pronounced wrong, sounding more like ‘apparent’ then anything.

You groan, wrapping an arm around her waist and pull the little girl into your side. She lands with a gentle thud and turns to you. Rosie always radiated warmth, and right now was no different. “We need to reschedule. We can’t go out today, sweet, things are a little tough right now.”

“My arm hurts and we’re out of those things that go in my yoghurt.” She huffs, pouting only inches away from your face. She was talking about her painkillers and you had to ask why Tom– a man that was consistently injured didn’t own more.

“Roo-“

Somehow, she manages to stick her lip out even more and you knew then that you were screwed. “Mummy, hurts.”

You give in, slinging your arm off of her. “Okay, okay, we can go. But you need to get ready now, and grab your own breakfast.”

Rosie jumps up on two feet, jumping off of the bed with a grin. She was ecstatic, over the moon though you weren’t feeling the same. If anything you were riddled with nerves. “Coco Pops!”

The promise of a sugary breakfast nudged her from the bed. Something else was nudging at you, however, more so in the back of your mind, telling you that this was a bad idea and just this time you could have said no to her, to reschedule the appointment another day and go with Tom and not while he was getting ready for a dangerous mission.

An hour later and three unopened texts that sat on Tom's phone, his phone of which sat in his desk drawer, you found yourself walking through the doors of your old apartment that you hadn’t been in since he’d taken you back to his. Everything sat as you remembered from last time you’d been there, except the house was much colder. The curtains were still drawn closed, woollen blanket strewn across the couch, the same wrinkles remained and family photos were scattered across the table. The grossest part was most definitely the mouldy fruit that sat on the bench and you were nearly sure that the milk and cheese in the fridge looked the same– you were too fearful of the outcome to look.

A shiver ran down your spine, discomfort settling in the pit of your stomach and you dragged Rosie in with your hand in hers, keeping a rather tight grip, but not tight enough to hurt her. She recognised the scene straight away, eyes widening as they landed on the books that were left scattered across the coffee table and her still full cup of orange juice.

“Why are we here?” She asks, looking up at you. Though she wasn’t complaining, Rosie actually liked being home in the house she’d grown up in.

You dump your keys on the bench, clattering against the table. “We have to grab something, I left your doctors papers here and we need them for the appointment.

“Can I grab a few toys while I’m here?” She asks, trying to tug herself out of your grasp.

You let the girl's hand go and she looks towards her bedroom, of course, she still remembered where it was and everything. Straight down the hall, turn left at the second door. It was the one closest to the bathroom with stickers all over the front door that she’d put there herself.

You nod towards the hall, flicking through the numerous bills and such that were left in your box. “Go ahead, but we’ll only be a few minutes.”

Rosie was ecstatic to go back to her room, missing her bed with the colourful duvet and her array of toys and children's books. But if anything you were nervous about stepping back into yours and were going to do whatever you could to stay out. You knew that there’d be clothes scattered across the floor, pictures of your once family turned up and memories are hidden in the back of drawers and under the mattress.

The place was simply scary, the equivalent to a horror house but you couldn’t forget the good memories, like the couch where you’d fed Rosie time and time again or the hall where she’d learn to walk and the kitchen stool she deemed hers day after day. There was the wall that was covered in coloured pencil– despite you scolding her for doing it at least three times. It was all the little things that made it only bearable.

You sighed and placed the papers down again, but this time closer to your keys and wallet so you wouldn't forget them because the last thing you needed was forgotten and overdue bills to add to the stress. You didn’t even know how you’d pay them considering you didn’t have a job and savings were running low.

You were so overcome with fear as you stood there that you didn’t pick up the presence of another person until it was too late– until you’re gritting your teeth together as cool metal is pressed against the side of your head, planted with such force that you swore it’d bruise soon enough. It was shocking, enough for your heartbeat to accelerate in your chest and muscles to tense. Though whoever was behind you was trembling slightly, that much was obvious.

“Don’t scream, don’t reach for your phone and don’t try to fight back.”

Part 19!

Leave comments or asks, reblog if you wish!! let’s talk about this chapter

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millioncth · 6 years ago

Text

love me back - c.t.h (part 3)

a/n: the long awaited part three is here! i really hope you enjoy and again, i’m sorry if there’s any mistakes, engigh is not my first language. ALSO!! this is unedited and kinda rushed? anyways vvvvv angsty!! feedback is always cool!

part 1 - part 2

have you ever felt that pain that starts in your stomach and quickly creeps its way to every inch of your body, from your toes to the tip of your fingers? even though he was drunk, calum could still feel it consume his body. he closed his eyes hard hard hard, and held his head in his hands. barely processing the words coming out of his mouth, he spoke,

“is it because you’re with luke? is that’s why you don’t love me?”

truth is, he still was incapable of getting the image of them holding hands, walking out of the club, out of his hands. it was tattooed on his mind, in bright colors and with a needle he could still feel.

“what? i’m not dating luke! why would you think that?” she was beyond confused. still on her position behind the counter.

“but i saw you leaving with him last night!” he took a deep breath, and swallowed a lump he didn’t even realize that was forming in his throat. “please don’t lie to me, y/n. if you two are in a relationship, i need you to tell me so i can just back off”

she scoffed, “back off from what? from kissing me two times? from holding my hand when we hang out? oh, but that has to be in secret, because people can’t possibly find out that the calum hood is holding someone’s fucking hand!” she raised her voice; anger just splashed in it. at this point, calum had let silent tears make room on his eyes and drop down his face, but he just kept listening to whatever y/n had to say. “i’m not with luke, not that it’s any of your business” she sighed, her tone much softer than before, but not less angry.

“then why were you leaving with hi-”

“i was sad, okay? i was sad and frustrated and crying in the back of that fucking club and luke saw me and he brought me home! he was being a friend! why am i even explaining myself to you? ugh” she had walked over to the couch and sat down next to him, annoyed and exhausted.

“w-why were you crying?” he asked, eyes full of concern. she may not love him, he thought, but he still cared about her.

“because i love you, okay? i do, it’s just… i didn’t tell you because it wouldn’t make a difference okay? i do love you but it’s going to be the same outcome as if i didn’t” her voice groggy. she moved a little and placed her elbow on the arm of the couch, face resting in her palm.

calum couldn’t believe it, “you love me? for real?”.

to be honest, that was all he could register.

“yes” that was when y/n realized that it would make absolutely no sense to keep having this conversation. calum was drunk, he was slurring every other word, and probably wouldn’t remember any of this in the morning. after a brief silence, she got up, offering him his hand. “hey, let’s get some sleep, yeah? we’ll talk tomorrow”

he took her hand, stumbling around and letting her guide him to her room.

“you’re going to sleep with me? in the same bed?” he asked as she sat him down, innocence on his tone, the alcohol finally taking the best of him.

“yes, cal. now, you can sleep in your underwear and a t-shirt, okay?”

“okay” as he got rid of his pants, she climbed to the other side of the bed. “you’re so nice. i love you” he got under the covers, she looked past the i love you. “can we cuddle?”

she knew it wasn’t the brightest of all ideas. she knew she would feel loved only to be let down in the morning. but she also knew that she would get hurt no matter what happened that night, so she just nodded. he smiled big, and came closer to her. she made herself comfortable under his neck, and he hugged her like his life depended on it, a warm feeling in both of their chests.

calum knew that feeling wouldn’t last forever, but he didn’t want to think about it in that moment. instead, all he wanted to do was cuddle her and forget that he was an asshole; he wanted to be close to her, even if it was just that night.

“i love you” he whispered.

“i love you too”

the next morning, calum woke up with a headache, and little knowledge as to why he was in y/n’s room. his first instinct was to get up and leave before she could realize, but then he looked at her in his arms, peacefully sleeping, and subconsciously wished that he cold wake up to this every morning. he started to remember the night before, and he was angry at himself for not making an effort to even fight y/n, to tell her that they would be alright.

he didn’t know why he was like this. he really wanted to be with y/n, to be her boyfriend, to stay in with her as she does school work, to watch her concentrated face when she tries to finish up a song. but he couldn’t, he just couldn’t and it hurted. he had made himself so emotionally unavailable in the first years of his career, getting hurt by people who didn’t really love him, that it made him close up to any relationship. and now, this wonderful girl was ready to commit to him, to love him endlessly, and he was incapable of giving her what she wanted.

y/n looked so pretty wrapped in his arms, and he thought that she must be the most beautiful person in the whole wide world. she started to stir a little, the sun softly hitting her face and making her wake up slowly. as soon as she regained consciousness, she couldn’t help but sigh and look up to calum.

“hi” he breathed out.

“hey” she pressed her lips together, every bit of doubt that she had could be seen in her eyes.

a brief silence appeared between the two, and cal couldn’t help but hug her slightly tighter, trying to make this situation last a little longer. but, when he saw the look on her face, eyebrows furrowed and sad eyes, he knew he had to address the issue. “so,” he started “about last night… i’m sorry, okay? i really am, because all of what you said was true”

she nodded slowly, trying to comprehend why this was hurting so damn much if she already knew how it was going to end. in the three or four years of knowing cal, he had never settled down with nobody, so why did she still hoped that this time would be different?

“it’s okay, cal. i… i understand” she whispered, not really trusting herself to speak louder.

“i just want you to know that i really love you, y/n. i just- i don’t wanna hurt you, and… i don’t wanna get hurt too, i guess” he looked into her eyes, empathetic as always, and for a moment he wished that she wasn’t like that. he wished that she yelled at him for being such a jerk, that she didn’t understand what he was going through, and maybe that way he would feel less guilty. because right now, y/n was taking the heartbreak almost as if she deserved it, and that made calum feel like crap, because all this pain was inflicted by him, and only by him, with no one else to blame.

“i love you too cal. but you’re not ready for a relationship and i get that. i respect it. i think it’s mature of you to not wanting to jump into something you’re not one hundred percent sure of” she said in a low tone, trying to swallow all of her feelings.

gently, she got out of calum’s embrace and to her drawer. she got out an ibuprofen and a bottle of water that was sitting on top of it.

“here,” she handed them to him “for your hangover”.

he didn’t know why that small action sprawled a sudden realization through his body. he took the pill and the water out of y/n’s hands, his bottom lip shaking and his whole demeanor changed into someone so weak, and so so lost. he closed his eyes hard hard hard.

“what’s wrong?” she asked, concerned by calum’s abrupt change.

“you’re s-so nice to me, it’s unfair”

“what?” she chuckled, sitting up next to him.

“what i mean is that you’re so great, so fucking great and pretty and amazing. and you’re so talented and smart, and you like the same things that i do. and you understand me, you get me. you’re so kind and you take care of me and you’re so perfect for me but i’m just such a fucking asshole. i don’t know why i can’t be with you, but it’s killing me and i’m so sorry. because yesterday you told me that you loved me too, and i couldn’t believe it, even though you told me you didn’t love me first, when you said it back i felt like i was on cloud nine so i’m sorry i hurt you, i’m really really really sorry” he blurted out so fast, his eyes full of regret, and his voice was choked, trying not to cry.

that morning would be the last time they both would talk alone for a very long time, and it ended with soft kisses, full of calum seeking forgiveness, and y/n forgiving him, even if it would leave her with a heavy heart for a long time.

y/n spent her summer busy: writing for a lot of artists, producing some tracks and helping the guys out with their new album. truth was, she kept herself busy in order to think about calum as little as possible. they all had been working really hard, and ashton decided that it was time to take a break. so, he invited the guys, plus their girlfriends, plus y/n to eat dinner and relax one afternoon in mid-august.

y/n agreed to go. she thought it was going to be a chill day, and she would get to hang out with her best friends and take a little bit of time off.

y/n sat between ash and luke at the large table. everyone was enjoying the food, laughing and having a good time. michael and crystal looked more in love than ever, and luke was so happy with sierra. it was nice to see him like this, y/n thought. after all, they all had seen him at his worst.

just as she was going to point out cal’s absence, he appeared a the door. everything was normal, until she noticed that he wasn’t alone. he had a girl in his arm. as soon as she saw her, she kind of zoned out, not wanting to hear whatever calum had to say, but she heard anyway.

“hey guys,sorry i’m late. this is my girlfriend, chloe”

chloe was a pretty girl. she was almost as tall as calum, and she had long brown hair. and all y/n could do was to smile and greet her, even if she felt all of her insides ripping apart.

of course he would be over her. of course. how could he not? it’s not like she tried to be a constant in his life. but she had hope. and for someone in her position, with the guy she loves being a star, it was dangerous. because, like that moment just proved, hope can be destroyed so fast.

they decided to sit right in front of her, and y/n couldn’t help but to shoot luke a look of help. everyone around her seemed to noticed how she was suddenly uncomfortable. everyone but calum and his girlfriend. thankfully, they didn’t ask her about it, restarting their conversations instead.

when they all finished eating, she excused herself and sneaked to ashton’s backyard. he sameplace where her and cal had their first kiss. y/n shook the memory out of her head, running her hands through her face and hair before sitting down and lighting a cigarette. taking a long drag, she closed her eyes, and tried so hard not to think about calum having a girlfriend. she didn’t even wanted to head inside for the rest of the evening, because she didn’t want to stare at calum’s general direction. she just wanted to forget about everything that happened between them, take every single moment they spent together and shove it in a box and throw it in the back of her closet and leave it there.

her thinking time got cut down short by the last person she wanted to talk to in that moment.

“that hoodie of yours is full of burn holes” his voice said from behind her. she didn’t even realize that he was there until he talked, much like what happened with luke that night in the club.

“well, it is my smoking hoodie” she answered with a dry tone. “i guess i knew i was going to smoke a lot today” she said taking a last drag, and quickly lighting another one.

“woah, slow down there…” he sit in front of her. he almost continued whatever he was saying, but when he saw the deadly glare she gave him, he stopped himself.

he resorted to get out a cigarette himself, and patted down for a lighter, with no luck. when y/n saw this, she lit up her own, lighting the cigarette for him.

“i need to talk to you,” he said after a while “about chloe”.

that phrase made y/n roll her eyes so hard that it stung a little, but she let him talk. “go ahead” she said. “it’s not like i have much to lose, right?” her voice was barely above a whisper.

“y/n… i know that this was fast, after we talked… it’s only been two months. but she’s great, a-and i really like her” his eyes were pleading, almost begging for y/n to give him any signal that she approved of this, but he refused to meet his gaze, deciding to focus on one of the trees in the backyard instead.

“i get it, calum. i just…” she thought about telling him what she really thought about it, but determining it was better to keep her mouth shut, not wanting to cause any trouble. “whatever. i’m sure she’s great. i’m happy for you. excuse me” she muttered so fast and her face remained emotionless as she got up from her seat and quickly made her way inside.

“hey, ash” she tapped him on the shoulder “can i go lay down on your guest room for a bit? i have a headache”

“of course, love. tell me if you need anything. you know where the guest room is” he answered with kind eyes. she just nodded and headed upstairs, closing the door behind her once she reached said room, but not locking it.

she laid down on the bed, finally letting her stomach churn and her head daze in peace. she closed her eyes and breathed out hard, trying to get rid of the lump that was forming in her throat, and also trying to distract herself from the pain that was blooming in her chest and creeping its way into every inch of her body. it wasn’t until it reached her fingertips that she realized that she was in actual physical pain. at that moment, there was no point in trying to contain her cries inside anymore, so she started to let out silent sobs, and turning her body in a position where her face was buried in a pillow and her arms were under it. she stayed there until god knows how long, a soft knock at the door bringing her back to reality.

“y/n? honey, it’s us, open up” sierra’s delicate voice said on the other side.

“it’s open” y/n croaked out. sierra and luke let themselves in, the girl going immediately to check if her friend was okay, while luke closed the door and locked it this time.

“how are you feeling?” her sweet voice asked, while running her hands through her hair.

“like shit” y/n sounded rough.

“how dare he show up with a girl knowing you’re here? i swear that if michael didn’t stop me he would already have left” luke started to rant.

“it’s not his fault” y/n sat up, now sporting a real headache after all the crying.

“why are you still defending him?” luke sounded confused.

“because…” y/n took a deep breath “it’s really not his fault, guys. i mean, we are nothing. we don’t have a relationship. he made that very clear, that he didn’t want a relationship with me, that he wasn’t ready. i just hoped that maybe one day he’d be ready. turns out he is, just not for me” she sighed, her tone trembling. “but whatever, he’s happy i guess. and i have to respect it”.

both luke and sierra were frustrated at how calm y/n was about the whole situation, but they knew that she was like this. that she always put others in front of her. right now though, y/n looked so beat down, so done with the whole situation, so exhausted, that they decided it was best not to argue with her about it.

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pcttrailsidereader · 6 years ago

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Independence Day

This is a re-posting of a wonderful story from 2013. What more appropriate story could there be for July 4th!

There are several aspects of Jo’s story that I really like. First, it captures in words a familiar obstacle that virtually all backpackers confront — fear. I will be the first to admit that my overactive imagination is particularly energized when I am hiking alone. Second, I love the special relationship that Jo has with her service dog, “Mr. C”. It brings to mind other such connections between canine and outdoorsperson, most notably John Muir and Stickeen.

By Josephine Pegrum Hazelett

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.

— Eleanor Roosevelt

Sometimes life takes an unexpected turn that forces you to confront yourself. You cannot predict the outcome; you just have to grab the experience and hope for the best. After hiking most of the Pacific Crest Trail with my husband, I had an opportunity to hike the John Muir Trail for a couple of weeks alone with my giant Border Collie service dog, Buffalo Bill Cody, or “Mr. C” for short. I didn’t anticipate an experience that would challenge to the core of who I am.

We were five days in and had slipped into a peaceful routine: up before sunrise, walk most of the day and asleep again before darkness fell. On this particular day, we would hike Muir Pass, at almost 12,000 feet; it is one of the high and scenic places of the southern section of the Sierra Nevada. The night before I had camped nine miles south of the pass in a lush valley and we were ready for another uneventful and beautiful day.

Mr. C and I arose in the morning twilight and were on the trail as the first rays of sun straggled through the trees to warm our day. We made our way up the canyon that climbed at a gentle pace for the first few miles. At Big Pete Meadow I saw two young men breaking camp: we waived acknowledgement of our mutual presence and I walked on knowing that with their youthful stride, they would soon pass me. As predicted, they overtook me about a half hour later and I would not see them again until I reached Wanda Lake on the other side of Muir Pass. I was completely alone. Looking back, I see what a privilege it was to have the entire hike up the Goddard Divide and down the other side all to myself—me and my dog in this incredibly wonderful part of the Sierra Nevada.

There were wildflowers of all kinds everywhere. The trail was alive with the short–lived Sierra Spring. It would have been hot hiking, but there was a thin cloud layer that kept the air cool and the hiking comfortable.

I had been warned that there was still snow on the south side of Muir Pass but having hiked the higher and more formidable Forester Pass four days earlier, I was not too concerned. On my initial approach to Helen Lake I saw more snow and the sparse trees began to disappear. I knew that the route had been well-traveled by hikers and I thought I would have plenty of footsteps to follow in, not to mention the fresh ones made by the two young men who had gone ahead of me this very morning. Unfortunately, I made a couple of wrong turns at Helen Lake staying to its west side rather than crossing to the East where the trail was. Consequently, I found myself walking steeply up the snow-covered face of the mountain. Rather abruptly, the footsteps disappeared and I felt my first tremor of doubt. Backtracking to the lake, I found the main route and reassured, headed on.

I began to think about the fact that I was completely alone and that a wrong turn out here would rapidly take me off the traveled route—the potential for becoming really lost was frightening.

I crossed the stream above the lake several times; the last crossing was at the outlet from the snowmelt lake above Helen Lake. This was a bit daunting because the water was cascading down the mountain in a 90 degree plunge and the rocks on which I had to cross were far apart and pointed requiring me to leap from rock to jagged rock. I rued the loss of my lightweight hiking poles that had broken early in the hike; they would have assisted my balance. I knew that I must keep going—there was only one way to get to the other side and that was to cross the torrent. Mr C, foot sure, had no qualms and oblivious to my concerns, leaped on the rocks across the chasm with all the grace and balance of an animal in the wild. My turn. Following in his steps, I leaped, one foot in front of the other finding each rock surprisingly firm under my feet. Afraid to acknowledge the fear that was creeping up on me, my mind seemed to float above the scene, watching with detachment—a kind of mental anesthetic. When I reached the other side I felt a surge of relief. Mr. C sensing the intensity of my emotion cocked his head and gave me a look like, “What was that about?”

My euphoria over this accomplishment did not last long. On the other side of the outlet, we traipsed through more snow for about half a mile until we came to a high and rocky valley filled with snow on all sides and a rush of snow melt running through a wide open area of scree. I could see no trail. Since the mountains rose in all directions but the one I had come from, I knew I would have to climb one of those vertical, snow-covered mountains, but I couldn’t see a route. If I chose the wrong direction, I would be truly lost.

To the north, the direction I thought I should go, there was a wide band of running water and I didn’t know how deep it was. I thought I saw a trail duck or cairn on the other side but it might easily have been a real bird. To avoid the water I headed to the Northwest, where I saw footsteps on the snowy mountainside but as I approached, they melted into the sun cups they were. Clearly, my mind was manufacturing what I wanted to see. I felt my options slipping away as fast as I could summon them up, and now, I felt the cold edge of panic. Logically, I told myself there was nothing to fear, but knowing this in your head does not stop your breath from escaping in short narrow puffs as your heart goes wild and your imagination takes off into the unreal scenarios of what could happen. The moment stretched infinitely and unknowably before me as I contemplated the possibility of not finding the trail. I forced myself to breathe, pushed the fear deep down and reminded myself that it would be embarrassing to die up here alone—I did not want to be a story on page 10 of the local paper, “Woman dies alone, lost on Mountain.” I’d never live it down—then, with an inward smile, I thought, I’d be dead so I wouldn’t have to! With that sobering thought, I focused on finding my way out of the bowl.

The Northwest route rejected, I returned to the river of water rushing over the rocks, in places deep and uncertain, but the panic had passed and I would go on. I found the rock that looked like a duck (100 feet or so away, across the water) and decided that it was worth checking out. The water wasn’t as challenging to cross as I thought it would be and sure enough on the other side, the duck turned out to be a real duck pointing out the trail right beside it. I started up the mountain, and again the trail disappeared into the snow. I had hoped to reach Muir Hut to have lunch but I had eaten nothing since breakfast and it was 1:30 p.m. Even though I didn’t feel hungry I knew I must eat. I stopped on the steep face of the mountain and in every direction the snow lay around me. I opened up an energy bar for myself and took out some Power Bones for Mr. C. At the time, I was so focused on making it to the pass in one piece that I hadn’t spent much time thinking about Mr. Cody; however he was having a wonderful time. He loves the snow and would spend all his time rolling in it if I allowed him to. Now, he used his paws to create a nest and rest. Mr. C and I sat there in the snow munching our food quite alone and I found myself talking to him as though he would answer me. Not in words, perhaps, but there was a special connection between us; he is very intuitive and his obvious lack of concern reassured me.

After lunch, I continued up the vertical side of the mountain (I’m sure there were switch-backs beneath the snow somewhere) post-holing as I went. Again I rued the loss of the lightweight trekking poles, they would have been helpful here. I trudged on, expecting to have a long way to go when suddenly I was aware of the curve of a dome appearing above the crest of my mountain, and with a few steps more, I knew that the dome was the top of the Muir Hut! I was close to the summit. A burst of energy took me to the top and looking over into the valley below I was overcome with joy to be there. I felt immensely happy to be alive and all the fear I’d felt washed out of me in an instant as I burst uncontrollably into tears. Here I was on top of the world in one of the most beautiful places on earth—how could anything be better than this—ever?

Cody on the other hand took one look at Muir Hut and headed straight for it! It looked like “home” to him—a place to rest, and even better, there might be food! The two of us stayed there at the top of the pass quite alone, looking out at the snow-covered mountains and the partly frozen lakes below. Time stopped and I could have stayed forever, alone with my loyal friend in our own piece of heaven. I reflected how fortunate I was to have the moment to myself. The sky, which had been gray, brightened, and as I stood there the last of the clouds disintegrated and I found myself bathed in warm sunlight—a real gift.

It was July 4 and a year since I had become an American citizen! I don’t know why this popped into my head at this moment. I think I was musing about how most people would be spending the day—at parades and picnics, with family and friends. I thought about the first Europeans who would have come to this place even a hundred or so years ago, how remote and wild it would have been then. I thought about the Indians who lived here for a millennium before the Europeans and what life must have been like for them. I thought about how I was on my own journey in space and mind and in that moment, I felt I was the luckiest person in the world. This was a special place and time and I wanted to hold on to it forever.

I had a long way to go before I would descend below the snowline on the north side of the pass. Going forward into the snowfields was a lot less intimidating since descending, I could see great distances ahead. For the first time, I felt that Cody and I would finish this hike, and that I could handle whatever I needed to in the remaining week, one mountain at a time.

Miles later, when we came to rest for the night by Evolution Creek, I covered Mr. Cody with my rainwear to give him some relief from the mosquitoes. I thought about my husband Kerry celebrating the day with friends and how I wished he could share this moment with me. I missed him but I was very happy to be here alone—I had been forced to face my fears head on and I had learned that when you are truly afraid—what is revealed is the very essence of who you are, there is no way to hide from your real self or to avoid that moment of reckoning. You will know the metal you are made of. Today I had faced myself, and I found that I had more internal resources than I realized. It was a powerful feeling.

I drifted toward sleep and that is how one of the most challenging days of my life ended, quietly as it began. I was calm and peaceful now and ready for a new day on the trail.

#Muir Pass #Lake Helen #Big Pete Meadow #Evolution Lake

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