#I’m annoyed too tho cause I thought I had eaten enough when I noticed I was hungry earlier

[boomerang109]

not to be bitter but i’m bitter

[idjitlili]

Thorin x Modern!reader

Summary: imagine being annoying and singing the bilbo baggins ballad to wind up Thorin.

Word count:2125

You had been travelling with company for many months now, since you dropped from the sky onto a troll. It hurt like a smashing your back into the taps of a fancy bath. Then you were almost eaten by that troll, until Gandalf had saved you and the small dudes by smashing a rock in half.

Gandalf had allowed you to join the Journey despite Thorins total dislike of the idea.This face scrunched up in anger as he began to talk “I will not be responsible for her safety nor Bilbos.” You giggles at Bilbos name you knew exactly where you were and what you were going to do on the journey. Thorin turned to you and glared, you just stuck your hands up on surrender.

“Very well ,Thorin but you will not cause harm to my burglar or this women.” Gandalf spoke to the dwarves king.

Over the course of these months Thorin ignores you as much as he could even after bilbo saved him, he still avoided you at all costs. You thought he thought you were annoying. Kili and fili would annoy their uncle to get attention from him so that was exactly what you were going to do.

Now you all were escaping Thranduils kingdom in barrels down a river,thanks to Bilbo. The water soaked your shirt with y/m/r(movie reference) upon it, and denim shorts. Since the elves had stripped you from everything else, despite the dwarves anger. Not going to lie this barrel ride thing was very fun. From what you gathered so far Thorin wasn’t the type of person for jolly songs, and you knew of a song that was just that. You had previously had your arms in the arm , like on a rollercoaster, so you began shouting lyrics while doing so.

“In the Middle of the Earth, in the land of Shire

Lives a brave little hobbit whom we all admire

With his long, wooden pipe

Fuzzy, wooly toes

He lives in a hobbit-hole and everybody knows him”

Bilbo looks at you confused, aswell as legolas , he wonders what the fuck she doing she’s gonna get stabbed. Kili has already been shot and you all had already passed through the gate. You were trying to annoy Thorin yes but to lighten the mood distract kili from his pain.

“Bilbo (Bilbo!), Bilbo Baggins

He's only three feet tall

Bilbo (Bilbo!), Bilbo Baggins

The bravest little hobbit of 'em all!”

You aren’t really singing you just shouting the lyrics, Thorin keeps glancing at you with glares you smirk at him, you are sure that kili is going to join in singing soon enough.

“Now, hobbits are peace-loving folks, you know

They're never in a hurry and they take things slow

They don't like to travel away from home

They just like to eat and be left alone!”

“But one day Bilbo was asked to go

On a big adventure to the caves below

To help some dwarves get back their gold

That was stolen by a dragon in the days of old.”

You duck in the barrel as arrow flew passed you.

“Well he fought with the goblins!

He battled a troll!

He riddled with Gollum!

A magic THING He stole!

He was chased by wolves!

Lost in the forest!

Escaped in a barrel from the elf-king's halls!” You purposely changed ring to thing , so no one knew his secret you just smiled at Bilbo who had his mouth wide open, knowing you knew he had found a ring.

“Bilbo (Bilbo!), Bilbo Baggins

The bravest little hobbit of 'em all!” Kili and fili joined in at the second Bilbo, Bofur laughed the three of you, Bilbo smiled.

“Now he's back in his hole in the land of Shire

That brave little hobbit whom we all admire

Just a-sittin' on a treasure of silver and gold

A-puffin' on his pipe in his hobbit-hole!”

By the time you had finished you all had outrun or out swam , you all got the barrels drenched in water, clothes sagging from it.

“Y/n , is that a song from where you are from?” Bilbo had questioned you looking up at you , standing on the bank of the shore , you nodded at the hobbit. Before anyone could say anything else , Thorin marched over to you , grabbing you by the shoulder to turn you to him.

“What WERE you doing?” He screamed at you with anger. Damn this felt like the perfect line , he just spoon fed you more motive.

“ what arrr you doing?!” You frowned at Thorin , who clenched his fists harder.

“No,I SAID what were you doing?”

“What’re you doing?” You smirked , as Thorin scoffed at you about to shout at you, but then Bilbo clenched on your hand pulling you away. You looked back at Thorin who was still scowling at you, you gave him that smiling face Nicolas cage does.

That didn’t continue much longer , as Bard arrived, “damn bro he looks better in person.” You whispered Bilbo who just just nudged you’re leg to be quiet.

“When I was a lad, I ate four dozen eggs

Every morning to help me get large

And now that I'm grown, I eat five dozen eggs

So I'm roughly the size of a barge.” You spoke quietly down into the water recalling beauty and the beast. You had a huge crush on Gaston, but stupid Thorin bad made you achieve a bigger on on him.

“I’m so sorry miss y/n, but bomburs the only one the same size as a barge.” Bofur smirked to you , you giggled “it’s just a song from my home, sir.” You looked towards the dwarf with the hat.

“You will have to sing it for us miss y/n, your Songs are most enjoyable.” He smiled at you placing a hand on your shoulder.

“I can’t sing, hence why shouted the last song.” This made bofur laugh, but didn’t say anything , but bard told the dwarves to get in the barrels to hide. “Mister Bard , I have too long of a torso to hide in them.” Bard looked at your appearance , frowning you looked very different to anyone you had met. He wraps his coat around your shoulders.

“We shall act if we are courting as you need to wear my coat to hide your strange clothing.” He smiles lightly at you.

“Yes sir.” You did an army salute, he chucked at your weird gesture. Thorin didn’t like this idea or the way you looked at Bard.

Bard had been stopped from going into lake town from that greasy skank Alfred, eventually Bard had convinced him but that wasn’t going to stop him eyeing you up.

You glared at him , grabbing onto Bards arm, who realised what was happening wrapped his arm around you pulling you into his side. Alfrid was soon to look away embarrassed, he was clearly afraid of bard. Soon you passed and was able to let go of bard and soon the dwarves were out of the barrels. While bard and you headed to his house with his son , Bain. “Thank you bard for helping us.” You had told bard he sent you a smile.

You entered the house house to be greeted by his two daughters ,sigrid and Tilda. Their mouths gap in shock, at you wearing their fathers coat. You pull it off , putting on the peg. “Isn’t see a little young father?” Sigrid has questioned her father, you were only two years older than her.

“Uh.. I am not courting your father.” You replied with a blush on your cheeks from embarrassment. “Why are there dwarves coming out of our toilet da?” Sigrid had questioned, after the embarrassing in counter. “Will they bring us luck?” Tilda spoke up in excitement. Bilbo walked into the room wet and cold, as bards daughters gave you and the other blankets. You wrapped it around your cold form, “how was your trip Bilbo?” You smirked.

He sent you a glare “oh lovely , you know I had a nice swim.” You giggled.Thorin glared at you , from the fire place.

***

Yo u had told Thorin it was a trap , saving fili and kilis life, now Thorin fought Azog on the ice. Once Azog was distracted Thorin has threw that brick like weapon to Azog causing him to caught it. Thorin stood off the ice , making Azog fall but before he fell in the water you had popped out plunging the sword into Azog a back into his heart.

Your sword had became stuck, you pull at it with all your might, but you can’t get it free. Before you know it you are in the freezing water, trying keep ahold on the ice.

“Y/n?!” Thorin screamed running , towards you, but you cannot hold on to the cold ice any longer. “T-tho” before you can finish his name you lose grasp on the ice, plunging into the icy water. Your whole body is covered as your fingers lose sight of dryness , before the water takes over.

For moments that felt like hours you were surrounded, in death, before someone had grabbed onto your hand pulling you out of the water with ease. Yet you still only saw darkness until the you began coughing up water to breath. You lay on the cold ice spitting up the water on your side. “Y/n?” Someone’s voices echoed, through your blocked ears. You couldn’t see clear everything was blurry, you couldn’t make out details.

Large hands pull you into their bodies , wrapping fur around you soaking body. Bloody hell you were still wearing shorts and a t-shirt. “Yes?” You had whispered before closing your eyes, the person had stood up carrying you bridal style , becoming sonic running.

The next time you woke up you were in a bed , covered with furs and a very warm body laying at your side. The body is strong and muscular his arm wrapped tightly around your waist. The furs tickle your bare arms. You eyes shot open like a fridge by a hungry obese man. (That guy egg dude from sonic) You look to your side to see Thorin in deep slumber , his face surprisingly peaceful, as great contrast to his brooding face. “DAMN BRO did I finally get laid?” You shout loudly causing Thorin to jolt.

He sits up in the bed, you were in the covers yet he lay onto of them, without his shoes just a tunic and pants. “Y/n,you are awake.” He spoke groggly,removing his arm from you quickly when noticing it’s position. “I’m so sorry y/n” damn he never apologised except to Bilbo. “It’s okay I didn’t mind.” You smiled slyly at him.

“Thank you.” He had spoke sincerely, you sat up in the bed, joints cracking, looking around the room, this wasn’t your room Thorin had given you... it was his room.

“For what?” You questioned , you did nothing but almost dying. “For saving my family y/n . For that I also must apologise for treating you so poorly. I hope you can forgive me.” Thorin was also sitting up next to you clutching your now warm hand holding it gently.

“It’s all good Thorin. Not going to lie to you, I did annoy you to get a reaction out of you.” You smirk at the dwarves king. He chuckled at him “yes I was fully aware, kili and fili do the same thing.”

“That’s where I got the idea.” You giggledz

“Of course you did.” You sigh , In satisfaction you had never had a proper conversation with Thorin.

“God dude you didn’t even speak to me , and when you did you were angry. Yet still a dwarf , you captured my heart.” You spoke lowly , not really thinking about your words.

“I did?” You gasp , Thorin looks at you in shock, you eyes burn in embarrassment, you nod slowly and nervously. Before you know it , Thorin had grasped your cheeks pressing his lips to yours briefly before pulling away.

“As you have captured mine. God I saw those looks you gave that barge man.” He strokes his thumb on your cheek softly.

“What can I say he is a very handsome man.” You giggle at your own words.

Before you know it the door is open and Bilbo is skipping in “Oh my you have changed Thorin.” You both snap you’re heads to Bilbo.

“You did nawtttt God damnit Dildo Gaggins,”

[tentaclewrapsupreme]

Okay... I literally cannot stop thinking about vampire B3nrey and werewolf G0rdon. I’m too busy to actually write this even tho I REALLY want to so I’ll just tell y’all my ideas here. NS4W of course because I am a degenerate. I will be using a lot of numbers to replace letters so it does not get flagged or show up in tags.

G0rdon lives in the middle of the woods because he’s a werewolf dogboy (tails and ears and wolf-ish behavior. The whole shebang). Maybe it was a work accident (D4rnold?? He’s the perfect scapegoat for this kind of thing) but to not interfere with his coworkers or the outside world he’s moved to this forest by G-M4n. Big G makes sure he gets food and like fiber optic cables for internet (how much did that cost? Is it really worth these few guys? [maybe T0mmy played a hand in this?]) and T0mmy makes food and supplies deliveries. Oh yeah things I should mention: There’s a path that both people and vehicles can travel down, the Boomers live a bit further down and they’re both, like, clearly not human either in ability or appearance, the forest is magical and houses Many unknown creatures (like b3nrey) but G0rdon doesn’t know this, and G0rdon is trans and has an epic cvnt and t-d!ck. This matters trust me.

So G0rdon has been having really weird and intense ovulation since he turned into a werewolf and it gets more intense each time. Like ya know… a heat but my version of it. Humans can cramp and become extremely horny when ovulating (I’ve done some research) so this is just that but more intense and can be stopped by some Good D!cking. But another thing! For ~magic reasons~ G0rdon smells not bad but strongly, especially to other magical beings. So basically he’s driving some forest inhabitants crazy and B3nrey takes it upon himself to “deal” with it >=3c.

So G0rdon is furiously m4sterbating and I mean like jackhammering a D1ldo into himself and he’s getting frustrated because he’s been cvmming but it’s not really doing it for him. So B3nrey rings the doorbell once. Normally that’d Freak G0rdon The Fuck Out but he just assumes it the boomers and thinks “eh, they’ll go away. I’m busy rn”. However, the rings don’t stop coming (kinda like G0rdon lmao) and G0rdon pulls the toy out of himself, pulls his pants up, marches to the door (and he’s PISSED. You’ve ever been interrupted by a stranger? yeah) rips open the door, yells “WHAT!” and before B3nrey can really even say anything other than “You-” he slams the door closed again because he is that mad. 

The doorbell ringing continues because B3nrey is, of course, unphased and G0rdon opens the door again like “WHAT the FUCK do you WANT?!” and B3nrey just says “You smell” and at this point G0rdon is losing his god damn mind so he just starts laughing his ass off and says “what?” in the middle of crying laughing and then continues “Is that all you had to say to me?” and before he can get angry again B3nrey says “Have you been h0rny? You’re not allowed to be h0rny here,”. Of course what he MEANS is that G0rdon is causing a problem by being so smelly and needs someone to “help” him, but we all know that is not how B3nrey communicates things. So G0rdon is of course like ‘what the fuck does that mean’ and says “What do you mean I’m not allowed to be h0rny here? It’s not like I control it!” and before he can continue B3nrey asks “I think you need help with that. Let me in”

Now normally that would be super ominous considering 1) phrasing 2) this is a guy G0rdon doesn’t even know the name of and 3) G0rdon KNOWS there’s something fucked about this forest and everyone in it but all G0rdon is thinking about is 1) how hard is dick gets at the thought of “help” and 2) how this guy is gonna be annoying and keep ringing his doorbell if he doesn’t let him in (hopefully to “ring G0rdon’s doorbell”. Get it? Get it? I’ll see myself out). So G0rdon, after thinking for no more than 2 seconds, says “fuck it, c’mon in” and B3nrey does, in fact follow him in and stares him down in basically the kitche/living room area in the start of his house.

Now G0rdon immediately notices 2 things. 1) this guy has about half a foot of height on him and 2) is decidedly not human. G0rdon’s tail immediately goes between his legs, his ears droop, his eyes widen, and he runs into his bedroom and locks the door. G0rdon is terrified and listens intently to B3nrey’s footsteps as he approaches the door. B3nrey then phases through the door and G0rdon scream’s “JESUS FUCKING CHRIST” and tries to reach for the nearest weapon (baseball bat on the other side of the room).

B3nrey is unimpressed and does his best G0rdon impression by saying “myah myah myah look at me I’m running away from house guests. I’m just trying to help you man,” and G0rdon is already off the bed grabbing a bat yelling “HELP ME DO WHAT!” and B3nrey says “Make you less smelly. You smell good and it’s really rude to everyone else. Everyone is just trying to work and you come here and mess it all up” B3nrey is overexaggerating here but some people DO actually smell G0rdon and it is actually annoying to them. B3nrey is the only one doing anything about it because he’s unhinged enough to not care about social convention and just ask G0rdon to fuck. G0rdon, of course, has no idea what B3nrey is fucking talking about and asks “What? You’re the only one here. And what do you mean I smell ‘good’?”. 

With some convincing B3nrey manages to convince G0rdon to put the bat down and get on the bed to “help” him. B3nrey starts sniffing his neck and being handsy. G0rdon, liking where this is going, gives less of a shit than he probably should and just enjoys the treatment. B3nrey starts whispering to him about how good he smells and how B3nrey wants to taste him and ruh roh that’s a bit of a red flag considering how this guy is not human very clearly. So getting some fucking sense finally G0rdon pushes him off slightly and says “Wait, what *are* you?” and B3nrey says “I’m not human,” and G0rdon says “Clearly! Can you PLEASE be more specific than that?” and B3nrey says “You need clearance to access that information. You have id?” and G0rdon is finally starting to realize what a Pain In The Ass this dude is so he says “that’s it. I’m leaving” but B3nrey grabs his arm and pretty much whines “nooooo wait what we were having fun. You were having a good time. Why’d you have to go and ruin it?” and G0rdon answers “Because I don’t want an inhuman STRANGER from the middle of the WOODS to EAT me!” so B3nrey replies “I won’t eat you- I’m nice,” and ya know what? G0rdon is horny enough to take that answer.

So they start really going down on each other and by the time G0rdon is getting eaten out and he wants to moan out a name he realizes he doesn’t have one to. He really let this guy he doesn’t even know the name of give him head. So he asks and B3nrey gives him sass about it (and G0rdon doesn’t think to bring up that he didn’t ask either so win for benny) and they go back at it. This eventually ends up with G0rdon riding d!ck and B3nrey finishing inside. G0rdon finally feels relief and get’s B3nrey something to clean himself off with and then G0rdon goes and takes a shower. By the time he’s out, B3nrey is gone. After making sure B3nrey didn’t steal anything, G0rdon texts t0mmy some questions and finds out B3nrey is a vampire and *totally* could’ve murdered G0rdon if he wanted to which is both scary and hot to him. 

I already have ideas to continue this but I’d have to fuckin write it first. Send me an ask if you really want to see this I guess lmao.

[unikornu]

Page 11, Exposure

-Good ol’ wild west, our next target, Boss. And judging by the map we are halfway through, dayum, i’m fucking impressed how much we did. Gage let out a long whistle while eyeballing her pipboy map, approaching together the next target, Dry Rock Gulch. The rocks around were massive and the scenery was very convincing into bringing some dusty cowboy memories. Even weather was fitting their excursion. 

*plop* Lucy was working her jaw on a pre-war gum drops, making Gage nerve vein show up on his face each time she blew a balloon. -Looking how they…*plop* could create pretty much anything, no wonder Nuka World is so tempting as a base *plop*. He took a chance while Lucy mouth was running and gave her pat on a back strong enough that the gum flew out of her mouth. 

- Khyy, what the hell Gage? She coughed repeatedly and shook a fist in his face. 

-You know it’s annoying as fuck and ruining your teeth with all that shit it still has, consider it me taking care of your sweet mouth and my calming therapy. He grinned and turned his head towards the park entrance. 

-----

The wind was pushing small clumps of dry grass around and nothing could be heard from inside the park other than rolling paper cups. At the gate they were welcomed by the warning sign “Danger, Bloodworms!”. Lucy stood behind the raider and eyeballed a sign. -Bloodworms… She froze in place and the blood slowly drained down from the face making her fairly pale, despite the warm rays that were hitting them. Gage was relaxed, even slightly happy. 

- Ha, just some stupid worms? That’s it? Nice change for once, ain’t it Boss? Hm? Gage turned around back to her after not receiving a single response. She was standing, looking at sign and then back at him spinning the knife in the shaking hands. - You okay Boss? Don’t ya tell me you are scared of some crawling dicks? He put a hand on her shoulder and shook it a bit to get at least a word out her. - Boss?

- I…i…just got hit by the sun too much and blacked out for….a second. Uhm…ye worms, let’s go. You first since you are so….eager to stomp them. She lied through her teeth and took a deep breath as they started moving. Going right behind, nervously scanning area around, she pulled out silently a dose of calmex in a hope of injecting just a little bit more but as Gage stopped abruptly walking into his back, she dropped it on the sandy ground and kicked it aside hiding her failed attempt.

-Shit, you sure you are okay? You act freaking weird since we entered. Raider turned around his head just enough to show his angry brow expression and moved back on. Lucy let out a silent sigh seeing her syringe getting lost in a sand as they walked away. 

The robot silhouette showed up behind a corner greeting them with a very stiff cowboy act “yiihaah-doggies-of-the-wild-west”. - Now, that’s interesting…there will be nice spare parts once i’m done kicking the shit out of you, sheriff. Raider cracked his fist preparing to give machine a solid hit through the glass but Lucy pulled his hand away. 

-Just wait a moment goddamit, information first, smash after, right? He hmphed but backed away lighting a cigarette, letting her do the all the wire work. Few sparks in the back and there it was, every information they needed served on a table. 

Sadly as the robot recording was going on about the worms and possible nest the her face was turning more and more into fear expression. Before Gage had a chance continue on his disturbed action as he strolled around with his smoke Lucy was already out of control kicking the robot down and swearing uncontrollably. The sound of metal smashing and thumping reached the ground under, waking up everything lying beneath their feet. They were coming and they were hungry. 

----

- Well, good fucking job Boss…He threw the smoke aside and stuffed a fresh magazine into the rifle. Lucy was feeling the nerves crawl upon her legs and clenching its boney fingers in her throat. She was shaky as fuck trying to defend herself from parasites jumping out of the sand but with each one joining them she was losing this battle, mostly with her mind. Gage noticed her unusual moves, lack of confidence, something was indeed off but there was no time to talk. One of the worms managed to reach under her metal armor with its round jaws filled with hundred needles, biting into her shoulder blade in the back. She dropped to her knees, a fearful scream leaving her mouth just pushed her right hand man to shove more bullets into the crawling filth of this park. As he fended off the last of them he ran right to her, pulled the worm out of her back, ripping some of skin in the process. 

-Argh! That was so slow and gentle ugh. She groaned.

-Fuck, what the hell was that? What the fuck is wrong with you?! He was angry, demanded answers but she couldn’t speak, panting heavily, as she looked up and saw the familiar shadow, standing in front of her. Same one, over and over again, shaping into the man that was giving her orders 200 years ago.

 -“So weak, Feit. I’m disappointed”. He kicked her in the face, sending into unconscious state.  

Now Gage was not just angry but also worried. He noticed some unusual curly smoky shapes slowly fading in the air but assumed they were just radiation doings.  He threw her over the shoulder and carried to nearest shack sighting deeply.  They went through so much already, much worse, be it gators or glowing mirelurks but he still felt like she was hiding something or refusing to open up all of her secrets. 

---

A spiky sensation in the wound woke her up. It took more than one stimpack to make the blood start clotting with this one. Gage threw the empty syringe to the side and awaited in silence for her to stand up. He was calm but certainly not in the cheerful mood. 

- I…think, i need to tell you something more about… She started but the big palm of his hand grabbed her by the throat and pushed to the wall, cutting her sentence. 

- You think?! I fucking thought we trust each other at this point and that includes no motherfucking shit behind the back. He released her shortly, seeing her eyes widening in fear, not wanting to cause any more pain by pushing her to the wall but he didn’t back off. - And what the fuck is that? Dozens of calmex? Are you a fucking addict of sort and missed it at our lovely introduction last time? He pulled a bunch of syringes from the pocket that he stumbled upon while patching her up and put them aside on the broken table. Lucy was ashamed and sad, it was coming to her at one point, deciding it wouldn’t be such a big deal not to tell him about her phobia since bloodworms were pretty rare occurrence. Not this time tho.

 - Okay, fine! I use calmex very often. Got addicted to it even before the war, helps me to calm down, focus on many matters and when phobia kicks in. I’m sorry but i felt like its not that important and would just make me look i dunno… weak, Christ. She slipped down the wall slowly down landing on her ass and hiding her face with a hand. She wasn’t sure if to tell him about the shadow that haunts her as it would sound completely ridiculous to the simple man like Gage.  

- You looked pretty weak back there trying to hide it. Boss, while beating eaten slowly alive. I ain’t like too some shiet out there, fuckin bugs for instance, you should have told me something. He pulled a chair and sat in front of her leaning a bit forward. 

- It ain’t like that Gage, it’s paralyzing me, bringing those flashes from back when….the court decided to teach me a lesson. He popped open a bottle of nuka cola and handed it to her. Whatever sugar it has left will help her to boost up some energy. 

- Go on Boss…nothin to be ashamed off, get it out.  Seeing his surprising willingness to listen she continued after taking a sip. 

- I thought i was doing something good, wanted to deliver justice at every corner. It didn’t matter to me that the man i was defending had a crime past. He found out the court was corrupted, cops too, making up their own evidences and shit. He got pulled up there and i did what felt right, defended him. The judge…didn’t like it…i ended up in a dirty cellar, pulled out of my office and tortured. Gage crouched by her side and put the hand on her shoulder. 

- You don’t have to continue if its too much, Boss. He slowly raised her head with his fingers to look at her. She swallowed hardly yet another sip of cola.

- They said i needed my righteous bitchy mouth cleaned and they brought them….leeches, fucking hell, the disgust and pain… even if time went ahead two hundred years, for me it still feels so recent. Lucy left out a deep sad sight and looked raider in the eye. 

 - After that my..boss found out that calmex would calm me and dull the unnecessary memories and feelings during my jobs, making me more efficient and..i got addicted, pretty badly. Sorry i didn’t tell you, it just felt…stupid to share something like this. She pulled herself up, worried about his response but started putting her gear together, herself too. He stopped her by putting the hands on her hips and turning her around to face him.

- Hey we are in this together, our plan, fight, hell even fears included i don’t care what crap else, we are partners Boss. If u have a problem, we will fucking solve it, okay? I’m sorry for what happened to you, i truly am, fuck, but just…stop hiding shit from me, no matter how dumb it might feel for ya. Alright? They nodded at each other as an agreement and to her surprise Gage handed her back all the calmex syringes. - You will still need them here, that ain’t something u solve in one evening Boss but…we will get to that okay? Now let’s exterminate that shithole.

They came back, dirty from dust and blood, with a few bites too to the Fizztop but again successful, in the favor of Operators. As the drugs cleared out of Lucy blood system she rushed to the bathroom, ignoring the Gage’s yelling behind, pushing the door after her but still leaving an open crack. She had a strong urge to just take off her armor and clothes and scratch everything down with water from her. To her luck there was already one filled bucket under the sink. She undressed to her underwear and without hesitation grabbed a handle and threw it all over herself throwing the empty bucket aside. Gage heard all those noises and curiously peeked through the door small opening. She looked so desperate, rushing and harshly rubbing hands against her skin. Even the black dust around her eyes looked more dramatic than ever, smeared downwards and to the sides. He respected the boss privacy more than ever but this time it was just an act of care, reason, maybe something more that made him cross the line of the door. 

-Hey, its over. Just, shit,  try to calm down Boss. She stopped and looked at him, a bit embarrassed but slightly angry of being disrupted like that in the state she was. 

- I am calming down, right now, can’t ya fucking see?! She groaned but realized shortly he deserved a better response -Shit…sorry, i didn’t mean to snap at ya, you helped me get through back there but…i would like to be alone now. She sighted, grabbed her dumped clothes from the floor and slowly walked past him but his lower arm grabbing her around the waist stopped her. The pile of clothes flew from her hands down as he turned her around and pulled towards him.  

- No…that ain’t an option, not before i get to see that face back to its usual shape. He said with a low voice, almost growling, putting his other hand under her cheek, brushing his fingers through her wet hair.

- What the fuck are y--  He leaned to kiss her before she could ask anything more or worse, punch him in the face. Lucy decided to leave those two options for another occasion as her mind drifted off from the anger and stress, surprised by the raider move but fully committed to these few seconds.

- Shit. As Gage pulled off he expected at least a slap but her hands instead landed around his neck. His confidence allowed him only to stand still, looking down at her as he wasn’t really a man of many words, especially in these kind of situations.

- I didn’t expect you have it in you. She bit her lower lip. -You can go on, if you feel like. She raised her eyebrow at him letting a slight smirk twitch on her face. 

- Fuck..i do feel like, Boss. He grabbed her by the ass and pushed up. She allowed it, wrapping her legs around his hips and pulling him for another kiss, deeper and longer that round. Gage pushed her against the wall for better balance. 

They kept it for a while but raider didn’t cross the next line yet, didn’t want too and neither respect would allow him this time. He lowered her back as she pulled off. - You look better, Boss, especially with that blush of your face. He joked, trying to relax the atmosphere after, mostly for himself. 

- Thanks to you, i guess. She brushed her cheek and smiled, turning her head away.

They stood for a moment but Lucy decided to not ask any more questions, keeping these incidents as unprofessional as they can get and as much as he wanted to. Felt easier that way, not knowing what next day might bring.  

- You up for a small drink at patio before hitting the bed? She asked while gathering her clothes, scattered around the floor. 

- Actually, why the hell not, Boss. Business talk this time tho. He grinned and followed her to the patio. 

  The rest of the evening they indeed, drank and talked, sharing some more of their past and joking around. She felt good around him, safe even, slowly letting the thought of trust slip in and let her guard down at last. She drank down her last glass of booze before hitting him with last question. 

- Hey, can i sleep with you here, from now on? I still dislike open spaces like that but maybe with you around it will feel better. Gage paused, holding the glass at his lips putting it down slowly. 

- Do you mean fu...? 

- No, no. Just sleeping Gage, jezz. I will keep hands to myself too unless you feel like breaking some rules. She chuckled covering her smirk with a hand. 

- You better keep these hands away from my smokes. He joked back. - Okay, Boss, if you want to, i won’t kick you away, not on purpose at least.        

  It been hell of a time since they both slept with someone, sharing a pair of mattresses. Gage let her fall asleep first before he took down his eyepatch, wrapping it around his hand and turning his back to her. Lucy still kept her knife under the pillow but not for him this round.   

[ladyboltontoyou]

Arthur Morgan x Reader: Fakeout Makeout

Ask: idk if ur requests are open or closed (?) but ..... fakeout makeout trope with arth u r .... bl ease (also don’t feel pressured to write this tho!!! have a good day💓)

Warning: Cursing.

Pairing: Arthur Morgan x Reader

A/N: I hope this is what you meant by fakeout makeout, I’ve never heard that term before but I’m familiar with the trope itself. When I researched further I saw that normally the two people kissing hate each other, so I’m assuming that’s what you want. If you didn’t want them to hate each other’s guts send me another ask and I might re-write it for you.

How did you find yourself here, in a wet dark alleyway in Saint Denis spying on a group of Cornwall’s hired guns? Why was it you who had to go? Ms. Grimshaw could have picked anyone else to go with Arthur but for some reason she chose you. Why did it have to be you? Didn’t she know you and Arthur despised each other?

It was his fault. You didn’t have a problem with him when you first met him, but then he started teasing you. The jests didn’t bother you at first but eventually, you started to think he was actually mocking you. What you used to think of as playful teasing started hurting your feelings and you took it to heart. One day Hosea was rounding people up for a hunting party, and when you offered Arthur laughed and made a remark about how you couldn’t shoot a deer if it was a foot in front of you. So you decided from there on out you wanted nothing to do with him. 

Yet here you were, the two of you pressed against a cold brick wall listening to the men around the corner. They weren’t talking about anything particularly interesting, just small things about business that you knew already. You would have killed them if you weren’t in the middle of town. Plus, there were five of them. Not exactly a fair match.

It was hard standing so close to Arthur. You felt your entire left side tingling, but not in a good way. The urge to shove him away from you was strong. Why was he breathing like that? If he was any louder the whole town would hear. And why did he smell like cologne? It smelt awful. Or maybe it was your hatred for him that made it stink. 

You sighed quietly and tried not to get too annoyed. The things that bothered you shouldn’t. In reality, there was nothing wrong with his cologne or the way he was breathing. When you dislike someone so much you get annoyed about the little things that normally wouldn’t notice at all.

Suddenly you heard a drunk man stumble into a group of barrels at the entrance to the alley, knocking them over and spilling water everywhere. He wobbled back onto his feet and left as quickly as he came.

“You hear that?” 

The men were up on their feet faster than you could blink. There was no way you could get out of there fast enough without being suspicious. If you tried to walk away they would stop you, question you and recognize your faces. If you ran away they would surely run after you and undoubtedly catch you, there were five of them. Maybe the two of you could split up-

Arthur moved from your side so he was standing directly in front of you. “Play along.” He whispered, taking his hat off and letting it fall beside you. Then he did something unexpected. He put his right hand on your cheek and the other at your waist, pushing himself flush against you. Your back dug uncomfortably into the wall and you cried out in surprise, but his mouth covered yours before you could make too much noise.

By now a man had come to check, he walked around the corner shortly after your lips met. Now you realized why Arthur had kissed you. Maybe he wasn’t so brainless after all.

You decided to play along, kissing him back and even moaning loudly into it. Your hands ran through his hair and he picked you up, pushing you back against the wall with your legs wrapped around his waist. It was dark enough so your faces were well hidden, hopefully you just looked like a drunk couple fooling around.

Arthur took it a step farther and started taking his jacket off causing the man to chuckle. 

“You two, get out of here.” He said firmly and crossed his arms, still laughing to himself. “The saloons across the street.” 

“Sorry, sir.” Arthur slurred with a fake accent and parted from the kiss, making sure to keep his face lowered. “Got a little lost on… on the way… from the bar.” You grabbed Arthurs hat from the ground and put it on your head to hide your hair. You doubted they’d recognize that but you were taking no chances. 

“Thanks, mister.” You slurred in the best drunk voice you could muster. 

The man nodded and walked back to the other four. “Just two drunkards dry humping each other in the alley.” 

You took the chance and ran out, not stopping until you reached your horses a little while down the street. 

You wanted to insult him, call his plan stupid or slap him for kissing you without consent. But as much as you wanted to you also wanted to be mature about it and speak to him as little as possible. Though you had to admit, he was an amazing kisser. And he didn’t taste bad either, like you would have imagined. It was probably the peaches he had eaten on the ride over. 

“Sorry about that, know you don’t like me but I couldn’t think of much else to do.” 

You glanced over at Arthur riding alongside you. Was he seriously apologizing? “Well, it got the job done.” You sighed and looked back to the road ahead of you. ‘And I kind of liked it.’ What? No! Why did you think that? 

“Sure did. Probably wouldn’t if you hadn’t played along the way you did, almost thought you liked it.” Was he reading your mind?

Your blood boiled when he chuckled. “In your dreams. I only did so because your acting was awful.” A lie, but whatever.

He chuckled again and shook his head. “Now, why do you despise me so much? You weren’t like that when you first came in. I’d go as far as sayin’ you were friendly. Not friendly friendly, don’t think I’m insinuating nothin’.”

You furrowed your brows and looked at him again. “Seriously? You mock me the whole time you know me and think I’m just going to be alright with that?”

“Mock you?” He sounded genuinely confused. “What are you talking about?”

“Please, don’t play dumb. You insult me all the time. Over little things.”

Arthur looked confused until he realized what you meant. “You think I’m mocking you? (Y/N), no, I swear… I just give you a hard time sometimes, I don’t truly mean the things I say, I’m just jokin’, that’s all.”

“You don’t joke like that with anyone else in camp.” You said and pulled your reigns back slightly as a rabbit decided to run across the path in front of you, kicking up dust with its little back paws.

He swallowed and tried to think of what to say. He couldn’t just out himself like that, there was no way you liked him back and it would just make things awkward after. You’d hate him even more, or at least that’s what he thought. “Well, you’re not anyone else.” After he said that he cursed himself mentally and looked over the field beside him, trying to act as if he meant nothing. 

But you knew exactly what he meant. You’d be dumb not to. Although you were extremely confused and a little pissed off, it made sense. He was teasing you because he liked you. You’d do the same things when you liked someone. You did it with him at first until you started getting upset.

You had no idea what to say, so for a while, you said nothing. In those few minutes, Arthur was in hell, his mind a thunderstorm with dozens of thoughts. He wished he’d never said it. He took your silence as rejection. 

The next thing you said changed his mind completely. 

You looked at him with a smile and spoke in a playful tone. “Huh. Well, Arthur, it’s not the best way to let a lady know you like her, you did it a little too much. Guess that’s because you haven’t got much of a brain. If you even have one. Do you have one?”

Arthur smiled.

[blackmilshake]

ALONE part two ||H.S

Requested:

PLEASE MAKE A PART 2 OF ALONE WHERE HE WRITES SONGS ABOUT HER AND THEY GET BACK TOGETHER

Part 2 to alone with a happy ending pls? So good! :)

Hi lovie! make a part 2 of Alone? Xxx

part 2 of alone :))

SUMMARY: Harry and you had drifted apart, and you felt so alone in the relationship that you broke up with him and he has never felt so bad. Also he got the flu.

A/N: I am SO sorry it has taken me this long, I have been so busy with college and everything. I love the surgeries and requests. I really hope you enjoy it as much as I did writing it. The sing is Sweet Creature, by our beloved Harry Styles.

Word count: +20k

Part one:

http://blackmilkshake.tumblr.com/post/173822219567/alone-hs

It was the night before your birthday, and it was the first time in five years since you met Harry he wouldn’t be there with you. He had felt miserable; he hadn’t left his flat since the last time you were there. He hadn’t talked to anyone. It’s been two weeks, the longest two weeks of his life. And nobody had contacted him either. Thinking he was already on his trip and needed his concentration.

He thought he couldn’t feel any worst until the reminder of your birthday appeared in his lock screen, it was 10:00 pm and he actually got sick. He had eaten Thai that night, all to be thrown up a couple of hours later.

He brushed his teeth, and drank some tea.

His legs were shaking slightly and he probably had the fever. On the top of everything he had gotten the flu.

He looked at the papers on his desk. Two days ago he had been humming your favourite song. Then he felt like he needed to write about you. So there laid three different scratches of three different songs, all made for you. He sat there and started to fix some things in his journal, or the last two pages of it. Two weeks had been enough for him to almost fill it all.

He ran his hand through his messy hair and let a tear fall down, the drop in the middle of the page.

Sweet creature Had another talk about where it's going wrong But we're still young We don't know where we're going But we know where we belong

Harry had seen in a picture of your best friend’s Instagram that they were throwing you a party in her apartment. There were balloons and many of your friends that he had seen in pictures before but never met in person. And there were so many people he didn’t recognize. It felt odd to him because you had always left your birthdays just for him. Now he sees all you’ve been missing because of him.

And oh we started Two hearts in one home It's hard when we argue We're both stubborn I know, but oh

Harry took the picture of the two of you that was next to his bed. It was in Paris, on your third birthday together, and you were smiling so big. But you were smiling really big in that picture of your friend’s Instagram as well. He couldn’t possible survive another day without that smile. It has been the longest you two have been without talking. It didn’t felt right. He didn’t feel like himself. He missed your sweet smile in front of him, your giggles and loud laugh.

Sweet creature, sweet creature Wherever I go, you bring me home Sweet creature, sweet creature When I run out of road, you bring me home

He was keeping himself from running back to you that moment. He wanted you to be happy, and was trying to understand that even you were the best thing that could have ever happened to him, he wasn’t the best thing for you.

Sweet creature Running through the garden, oh, where nothing bothered us But we're still young I always think about you and how we don't speak enough

He tried to process that you were so done it got to the point when you couldn’t be with him. And he remembered one of your last fights, when he had left you waiting in a restaurant for hours.

*

“I can’t believe you didn’t have the time to call me, just a call to tell me you weren’t coming. That’s it.”

“I was busy” Harry had answered simply, shrugging, not really being sorry.

“So was I, and I took my time to be with you, Harry.”

“You knew what you were getting yourself into, I have a life.” He spatted, annoyed at you and raising he volume of the TV. You had had enough for a day, your work day in the hospital had been rough enough and you thought that maybe sometime with Harry would help, if he had only shown up.

“I knew it would be hard, I knew I would have people’s eyes on us all the freaking time, that you would be gone for months. What I didn’t know was that I would be the only one fighting for us, that it would be just me at the end of the day, not physically, emotionally. Cause you are here, you have me here, we haven’t properly talked in days, yet you choose some TV rubbish over us, cause it’s no me, it’s us.”

And you left him there, but he took it as some overreaction from you. Which deep down he knew it wasn’t. He only wanted you when he wanted to, most of the time he was somewhere else.

But he really loved you.

He was just taking you for granted, assuming you had to be there for him, waiting, loving him.

*

It was all his fault. He knew it, and he couldn’t forgive himself for it. He finished up the lyrics and when to the bathroom to take a quick shower as he felt this temperature raising even more.

He saw his reflection, he looked pale and huge bags under his eyes. He didn’t know whether those backs were from crying or just how bad he felt with the flu symptoms all over his body, maybe both.

A wave of rage ran through his body as he saw a picture of you laughing with a guy in one of the Instagram stories.

He didn’t notice when he got dressed, your favorite suit of him on.

He left his misery, drove across town and got to the party held only for you.

It was 00:00 sharp and he got just in time to see your friends sing you happy birthday. He stood there, at the end of the room, singing slowly. Smiling at you.

“Don’t forget your wish” He murmured.

That’s when you saw him. Standing there, your favorite suit on him. His hair a little mess.

And you made your wish, blowing the candles, making everyone shout.

Your hands cold, and trembling.

Had you just imagined Harry there?

The cake was being cut and they didn’t need you there, so you went to the main door.

“Happy birthday, beautiful. You look breath-taking.” He whispered in your ear, making you jump.

“Harry?” You looked at him, eyes big. He smelled so good.

Then he sneezed, making you giggle.

“Bless you.” You saw him blush. Then you remembered. You two were no longer together.

“What are you doing here?”

The question had to be asked, Harry knew that, but he didn’t expect it to feel so heavy on his chest.

“It’s your birthday, sugar, I could never miss it”

You wanted to act tough, make him leave. But he came, he was there. He should be in that island, yet he was there. But the question was... Was it too late?

“I have something for you.” His voice deeper than usual, his eyes looking directly into your soul.

“Harry...”

“It’s nothing you can use, it’s something you can remember tho. Come with me?”

He said mysteriously and took your hand in his, asking you to follow him. And you would have followed him to the end of the world.

“Ok.”

What are you doing? He is your ex. You thought.

He took you to the roof, smiling nervously, there laid the guitar. He took his jacket of and put it in your shoulders, giving you a quick kiss in your forehead. Even when he was sick, feeling like trash, he wanted you to be fine.

And ohhhh, we started Two hearts in one home I know it's hard, we argue We're both stubborn, I know But oh Sweet creature, sweet creature Wherever I go, you bring me home Sweet creature, sweet creature When I run out of road, you bring me home And ohhh, when we started Just two hearts in one home It gets harder when we argue We're both stubborn, I know But oh Sweet creature, sweet creature Wherever I go, you bring me home Sweet creature, sweet creature When I run out of road, you bring me home

You bring me home

He was looking deeply into your eyes, trying to read your thoughts, but it had always been hard for him, you seemed so calmed all the time, you were so hard to read. Tears were running freely and rapidly down your cold cheeks.

He finished singing, nervous, his voice giving up so many times, his body aching and the fever rising, the cold air hitting him making his head spin, but he didn’t care. He wanted you back. He wanted to make all different.

He left the guitar aside. And you pulled him closer. Tears running like cascades down your cheeks. You missed him, you regretted leaving him before you even did. But it seemed the right thing, it still seemed to you like the right thing, but why didn’t it feel like it? When his arms around you made you feel the safest, the most powerful woman to ever exist. But the times you have felt so alone still lingered as a bitter taste in your mouth.

“What do you think about it, kitten?”

“You are extremely talented, you don’t need to be reminded that, Edward. Thank you, but I think you should get go...”

“Please, don’t, don’t make me leave you, cause I can’t. You are my all, I’m nothing but a broken shitty famous person without you, you make me a better man. And being alone was never hard before I met you” Harry whispered the last par with the voice he had left, coughing at the end of it, and you worried.

You got closer and raised your hand to touch his burning forehead, your heart sank to your gut, you wanted him to be fine, healthy, happy, cause he deserved it, he was such a good man.

“Harry, you’re burning with fever!” You gasped. And that’s when you noticed how red his nose was and his face pale, his lips almost purple, huge gray bags under his puffy eyes.

How could he still manage to look so good.

You took his hand in yours, and felt how cold they were, slightly shaking.

“Let’s get you out of here” you shook your head and took his jacket out and put it back in his arms. He was protecting you even when he was sick, it was a small yet so powerful action, that it reminded you of when you just started to date him.

You took him to your best friend’s flat, everyone was either eating cake or dancing at the loud song playing in the background, blue, red and green lights everywhere and you could almost feel sick for Harry. You guided him to the guest room.

“Sit here, please.”

Harry wanted to be answered. You didn’t make a comment about your actual status with him. Yet he let you treat him.

You ran out of the room, only to be back with a bowl of cold water and pills, then went outside again and brought a huge glass of water.

“Have you gone to the doctor?” She asked, almost knowing the answer.

“You’re my doctor.” He said harshly, coughing, to which you rolled your eyes.

“How long have you been like this?”

“For almost three days or so.” He said vaguely.

She put a sticky thermometer on his head that soon read the temperature with red numbers 39.7 °c.

Her worried expression couldn’t be hidden and she was mad, mad at him for not taking care of himself.

“Your fever is really high. Have you had any medication?”

He shook his head no. Watching as her lips formed a tight line. He felt ashamed, and sad for making you worry on your birthday, but somehow he felt relieved, relieved that you still cared enough for you to get that bothered.

“Any other symptoms?”

“Headache, and I’ve thrown up, twice”

“Any idea why?”

“The headache was kinda bad, I guess that caused the vomiting, but the headache probably the lack of sleep if I’m being honest, petal”

His words hurt her, how could he be so careless about his health.

“Take this.” You handed him a pill that would make the fever go down, that was the first thing you needed to treat. She took a small towel and deep it in the cold water, and then in his forehead.

“You need to take more care of yourself, Ed. Your health is not a game”

“I love you, kitten, I love you with everything in me, please, take me back.” He said with some difficulty, ignoring your previous words.

You didn’t like the way your heart was pounding in your chest, nor how much your lips longed his, or the way the song he made for you still lingered in your head, making your stomach feel funny.

But you hated the thought of this being just an apology and then feeling alone again.

“Only if you promise you won’t become that distant again, that you’ll actually fight for us. Not just me. Because if I find myself alone in this relationship, I am leaving for good.”

Tears fell down Harry’s eyes. The second chance he needed.

“I promise petal, now I need you to promise me something.”

“What is it?”

“Promise you’ll say yes.”

“Yes?”

He took the red velvet box out of his pocket and opened, there stood a beautiful ring.

“I felt in love with you after hearing you laugh, I fell for you harder everyday, and I still do, I love you so much it scares me sometimes, you are my motivation to keep going everyday, to wake up and thing that I will be with you at the end of the day. I knew you were the one the moment we kissed. I love you for every single thing you do, every single thing you say. I love you even when I am mad at you. I cannot find the words to describe how much you mean to me. You are my everything, and I want to wake up next to you everyday, be the reason of your laughs and happy tears, the father of our 24 babies, grow old with you by my side. So, my question is... Would you marry me, petal?”

Tears escaped your eyes as you nodded., completely speechless, you were so happy ans shocked you could do anything but nod aggressively.

“Yes!” You managed to let out, utterly happy.

And you kissed him, not really caring about getting the flu, wanting to feel his sweet lips in yours.

And he never let you feel abandoned ever again.

[mcrmadness]

Health Anxiety

More personal stuff here, this time about this subject.

So yeah, last night I talked about this health anxiety and how I feel like I would have some illness that is eventually going to kill me even tho I’m physically healthy.

Well, I have another type of health anxiety as well and it’s allergies. I’m not allergic to anything but after my brother had an allergic reaction from medicine used to migraine, I’ve been terribly afraid of allergies. I actually have started to avoid certain things that my mind thinks as something causing allergy even tho those rarely even do so. I think this is some kind of OCD, like, my mind is telling me not to do this and that or something bad will happen - in this case I shouldn’t eat certain things because the bad thing is allergy. Which I don’t have. Yet when I get this anxiety attack I start to imagine those symptoms and it makes me even more anxious and it makes the symptoms worse because actually they all are just anxiety and not even close to allergy. 

This is worst when I eat something I haven’t eaten in a while or when I eat something that might start tingling in my mouth. I sometimes buy these things and later on remember my mental allergy and then don’t eat them. Now I made myself dinner and used spinach which I don’t remember when was the last time I ate. I ate some of it and then it hit me: what if I’ve become allergic to spinach while I haven’t been eating it? Can it cause allergy? I know it can cause migraine but this whole allergy anxiety attack... came out of nowhere and it’s so frustrating because now I can’t finish my food and I’m still hungry, and I also think about the eggs and what if I’m allergic to eggs. It just started as a feeling of my cheek feeling warmer and then I started feeling my hand warm too and had to start checking if I can see anything on my skin and anxiety makes me have hot flashes anyway. And now I don’t know if I can eat that food ever again without it makes me feel suspicious about it.

The problem here is that I basically try to avoid something from happening when it’s highly impossible but if there’s even the 0,1% chance, it’s still a chance that it will happen and must be avoided. I have had those What if? thoughts almost always but it just changes by how they show up... now it’s the fear of allergies. I know avoiding makes it easier to get allergies but also they can be “cured” by  inuring oneself to things that cause allergy. But I’m just so afraid of the moment of something happening. I’m actually more scared of the moment of being scared than actually of what’s making me scared.

Sometimes this is really annoying. Some time ago I really felt like eating and baking banana cake so I started baking and it turned out really well and I ate lots of it. Until my mind decided that banana might be bad. And I had this whole bundt cake only for myself and it tasted so good but I couldn’t eat it because my mind thought it’s dangerous. I brought a huge part of it to my parents and left some for myself, I eat some but still I had to get rid of the last parts because they just stayed in my fridge because there were more of days when I felt too scared to eat and less of days when I couldn’t care less and ate no matter what.

I have this now for bananas, rasberries and peanuts, at least. And now I think spinach is on the list, too. And then I have bunch of foods that I don’t eat because I‘ve read they can cause migraine and I’m not sure about all of them with myself yet, I just know a few that cause my migraine but as migraine is very annoying thing to have, I rather not eat than try out if I’m gettin an attack or not because migraine will ruin couple of days for me instead of just a moment. And it’s also really annoying when you know these all symptoms match your migraine and you just wait for the aura to start. And it never will. And then one day you’ve forgotten about it and bang, it’s there and you realize you DID have all the pre-symptoms this time also.

Fear of “the future” is something I’ve been dealing with for as long as I can remember. I hate surprises because I get startled easily. I hate to go somewhere and see just then what happens, it’s easier to me if I can observe from a safe place for a moment and then act. I need to feel that I’m in control or at least have enough of it. I’m an overthinker. At school things were much simple but I remember how one of the most anxious things to happen was when we had to rearrange where we sat and when the teacher decided the places and I was on the edge of the panic attack the whole time until I heard my name and where I was to sit.

Today I had therapy and I talked about my heart related health anxiety and this time I felt like she had no idea what I’m dealing with and going through every day. I don’t think she understood what it feels like to have health anxiety. I told her about my upcoming heart check: that because it’s the new cardiologist, I’m afraid that she will notice there something that the previous cardiologist didn’t. That something was wrong there and needed to be taken care of. And she said that “but wouldn’t it be good if there was something wrong and it could be taken care of then?” Like, no? I am AFRAID of my heart being ill, if there was actually something wrong would be the worst possible scenario for me. When everything is okay I know it’s still my mind and not my heart trying to kill me. No matter how I feel like I can’t trust and I know the anxiety will come back. But if there was something wrong for real, then it’d mean that I should face the same stuff that has caused me this whole damn health anxiety and heart related trauma itself: hospitalizing and heart surgeries. She clearly didn’t understand that my bigges fear is that my heart does something that cases me to go through the same traumatic events for the second time in my life. I still suffer from what I went through when I was 3 years old and I don’t think my mind would survive another round.

I think the main thing with my health anxiety is that I’m afraid of having to deal with all that hospital stuff all over again and that’s why I check my body all the time to make sure I notice if there’s anything wrong, but at the same time I don’t really believe that anything bad can happen to me. Like I feel like I was invincible and at the same time I feel very vulnerable. Even a flu sometimes makes me feel pretty... stressed out. I’m afraid of what could follow it if I didn’t cure it well enough. And when I think about something much worse... like when I imagine a cancer or some other very serious illness, I always feel like I probably wouldn’t manage that and I’m afraid I’d get really depressed instead of feeling like fighting back. It feels like the end of the world, shattering the glass wall to my fantasy world where nothing bad ever happens and where I’m always safe. I don’t even have any of that yet I can imagine so well what would happen if I had.

My childhood medical trauma then, it still affect me today. I’m afraid of needles and I don’t like hospitals. Blood tests are the worst and I can’t take one without having a panic attack beforehand. My mom has told me that when I was younger, back then when I had those check and tests before my heart surgery, all I needed was to see the hospital room and I started screaming. Obviously can’t remember that myself but also obviously it was very traumatizing if I kept screaming and crying when just stepped into any of those rooms. I have some memories from the time I was at hospital and all they are very negative, I’ve been either scared, sad or confused. I even feel bit of panic in some of the situations. I think I have had panic attacks even that young and all of them have been hospital related.

But yeah, a person with panic disorder, generalized anxiety disorder or ocd does not WANT to be ill and does not WANT to be diagnosed with something serious. We are very afraid of certain things but it doesn’t mean that being sick for real would make it better. It’s the complete opposite. At least for me it would just cause even more anxiety and it would spawn just new anxiety subjects afterwards. Knowing it’s all in my head is making it a whole lot easier to deal with. That’s why I always want and don’t want a doctors’ opinions on my physical health. You never know. It’s 50-50 situation, either you are healthy or you’re not. I love to know things but this is one of those cases where ignorance is bliss. In my fantasy world there’s no diseases or disorders and nothing bad ever happens, and my anxiety is that world colliding with the reality, because if I could choose, I would no live in this reality and I would not be mortal. But no can do. (Seriously the state of Deadpool [or Wolverine] would still be the best thing in the world because he can’t die but he neither can get physically sick because his body heals itself. Mental health problems are never so bad to me.)

This my whole thing is one big fucked up mixture of little bit everything. It’s like I have generalized anxiety disorder which turns into ocd with some things because I feel that I have panic disorder and I’m afraid of those panic attacks that the GAD fears causes. AND then you can mix there bit of HSP, possible ADD, SAD, social phobia, some sort of mixture of body dysmorphia and maybe also dysforia (more like body dysforia and face dysmorphia...) and so on... the list is endless.

And again I fucked up my sleeping schedule because of some fucking spinach my mind decided to be a bad thing. Great.

[tzaya]

No Peace

shizuo / izaya // raijin days // 1,526 words // fluff // on a school trip

It happened again.

Shizuo fluttered his eyes opened, beads of sweat rolling down the temple of his head, and he brought a hand up to wipe them off. The hand that he could actually use, considering Izaya was making it rather hard for him to move the other one, with his head resting on Shizuo’s arm. Don’t get him wrong, this was exactly the position they were in when they went to bed hours ago— but one thing Shizuo wished for was Izaya to get the fuck off of him after the first fifteen minutes.

No, don’t get him wrong on this either, they were not together.

Approximately two hours ago, if he recalled correctly with his hazy mind, Izaya was being annoying by latching on to him as a prank. If he was to give in to his temper, he would’ve thrown that expensive bonsai tree to Izaya’s head, or rip off the whole room and throw that at Izaya, or break the his arms, or-

He couldn’t help but emit a sigh. Kadota just had to remind him that he was trying to go on a calm spree, and Shinra convinced him further by saying he’d get the whole school in trouble at this expensive resort they were staying at for their three days and two nights school trip. Shizuo would like to cause no trouble if he could, especially when he’d done enough damage to the school every day.

“Shit…”

It was hot.

Extremely hot, even with the air conditioner on.

Why did he have to be in the same room as Izaya? At times like this, he wished he didn’t know Shinra, although he wouldn’t like to be in another room either. People would definitely stay away from him. Remind him that he’s a monster. Perhaps what’s best was for him to sleep outside. Yes. That’s it. As uncomfortable as it would be lying on the hard, wooden floor (he’d rather sleep on tatami floor) outside, the night air would cool him down.

Izaya would probably end up finding him if he stays in the room. That bastard seemed to always have no trouble locating him even when he hid.

Shizuo started with the troublesome arms, circling his fingers around the frail-looking wrists, and he pried himself away from Izaya’s clutch. If anyone thought he was going to be careful, they’d be dead wrong. He thought he heard a snap once but it didn’t matter. Izaya should’ve seen what was coming when he decided to glue himself to Shizuo for two straight hours. Speaking of the devil, Izaya shifted in pain, brows knitting and face contorted in discomfort. Shizuo paid no heed to that, instead letting Izaya’s arms fall back to his sides, ignoring how those nimble fingers that belonged to his enemy brushed across his yukata in the process.

Now, the head.

Not that difficult, Shizuo thought as he sat up, knowing well the pillow would catch Izaya’s head. Only what he didn’t take into account was Izaya waking up from the shock. He was probably dreaming of falling, Shizuo mused to himself.

“Did you have a good sleep?”

The right corner of his lips curled up, but it was that of an annoyed smile, hand rubbing at the sweat that accumulated on the nape of his neck.

“Am I still dreaming, or is Shizu-chan acting sweet?” Izaya asked, remains of sleep stayed in his droopy eyes.

“Fuck you mean I’m acting sweet! Especially after you clung to me like there was no tomorrow. It was so fucking hot. You did this yesterday too!”

“Hot and bothered?”

“I’m 99.9% sure that it’s not in the way you’re thinking.”

“What about that 1%? Ah! So it’s because of me that Shizu-chan’s soaked. I thought he went for a bath and didn’t know how to dry himself. I was going to offer to do it for him!”

Izaya breathed out a small fit of laughter, provoking Shizuo the way he always did, and he never failed to, this time included. Shizuo immediately went for the collar of Izaya’s dark blue yukata, bunching up the fabric in his fist and pinning Izaya down on the futon as he seethed in rage. Would this bastard ever shut up? All Shizuo wanted was a good sleep. This was supposed to be a stress relief trip for God’s sake!

“Ow.”

Those crimson eyes that he always hated were slanted in slight pain before they were back to being full-sized, staring at him with a little hint of surprise. If Shizuo had moved his arm a bit to the right, he probably would’ve felt how fast Izaya’s heart was beating, but there was no way of him knowing that.

“Are you sure that it’s not the way I tho—”

The nerve this person had to still be joking around!

“You piss me off,” was all Shizuo could mutter, releasing the grip he had on Izaya and throwing Izaya down at the same time. He needed to cool down.

Cool down.

“Shizu-chan!”

Cool down, yes.

“Where are you going?”

Cool.

“Down.”

Okay, he didn’t mean to say that out loud.

“Down? Are you going to dig a hole and hide in it like ostriches? Don’t you know that it’s not true?” Izaya replied. His voice was getting lower and lower, and by the time he was out, door slid shut behind him, he couldn’t hear even a trace of the annoying voice. With this, he exhaled a sigh of relief. The night air was cool as he’d expected.

Shizuo sat down, legs crossed on the floor, looking up at the stars in the sky. It would be nice to smoke right then, but his pack of cigarette was in his bag back in the room. He definitely didn’t want to see Izaya again just to get it. He’d have to settle with whatever he had at the moment.

And that was the nature, silence with occasional sounds of crickets, and him.

It was nice.

It was the peace he needed.

Shutting his eyes, he leaned back against the door with his head lolling to the side, and he stayed there, trying hard to listen to the faint noises of the sloshing water from the river not too far from where he was, and of course, the noise of the leaves of the trees being blown by the wind as well. These were the kinds of things that he preferred. Shizuo couldn’t help but to smile.

 “Oh? Shizu-chan.”

 “Are you asleep?”

 “Of course, a beast should sleep solitarily.”

 “Oya oya, you must be happy. You’re even smiling. Do you want to get away from me that much?”

 “Shizuo.”

 “Shizuo.”

“Shizuo!”

First it was hot, now it was loud. Why couldn’t everyone just let him sleep? Shizuo frowned, squinting when he opened his eyes. It was definitely brighter now. There were people walking about on the ground which were empty just moments ago before he rested. Moments… ago? It took him a while to register everything, and when he did, he noticed that the sun was up. So he’d really fallen asleep when he was enjoying the peaceful time outside.

Another thing he didn’t fail to notice was the blanket that was covering his body when he moved, the soft fabric rubbing against his slightly cold skin. Perhaps it wasn’t a good idea to sleep in just a yukata in winter. His body’s temperature was usually high, so he didn’t think much of taking anything else with him last night.

“Did you sleep here last night?” Kadota asked.

“It was too hot inside. Izaya was sticking to me. Ungh, my body’s a bit stiff.”

“Of course, you were sleeping in a sitting positi—,” Shinra started, but was cut off by Kadota.

“Wait, did you say Izaya…?”

“Yeah. Bastard’s annoying even at night.”

“Well— Shizuo…”

“What?”

Following Kadota’s gaze, Shizuo turned his head to see a familiar mop of raven hair nudged into his side. He couldn’t see the face but he had a pretty good guess of who it could be.

“And I don’t know if I should tell you this, too, but your face… maybe you should take a look, Shizuo.”

The first thing he saw when the phone screen was held up to him was the doodles that were all over his face.

“…”

“IZAYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!”

“I knew that would happen. Maybe we should’ve separated them first?” Kadota stepped away from the raging lion –not wanting to be involved in this fight— and Izaya who was about to be eaten, and back to Shinra’s side.

“At least I got a good picture~ Celty would love to see this!”

“What?”

“I took it. Look,” Shinra showed Kadota the picture he took on his phone, one of Shizuo sleeping with Izaya also deep in sleep, next to Shizuo and head snuggled into Shizuo’s side, “the key point here is Izaya’s arm. It’s draped on Shizuo’s abdomen.”

“I want the picture! Send it to me, Shinra!” Izaya chirped in when he ran past by his two friends, Shizuo following suit behind him.

“Okay! Kyohei, do you want the picture?”

“No, thanks.”