#I’m high key psychic y’all don’t play with me

[mybiasisexo]

ksoo being a smoker was not on my 2023 bingo card I’ll tell ya 🤠

[profitinaecho]

Echo Appreciation Day 2: A Missing Scene

Liz had asked Max to keep Diego entertained while she was at work for a few hours- with the promise of doing a certain sex act that was usually off limits if he helped her. He definitely would have helped her anyway, but that was definitely a bonus. Walking into the Wild Pony flanked by Diego, Max pauses when he sees Kyle sitting by himself cradling a whiskey at the bartop.

“What are the odds…” Max mumbles to himself, going over to his friend and clapping him on the back. “What’s up man? Have you met Diego?”

“The ex fiance?” Kyle’s brown eyes bug out comically, before remembering his manners and holding his hand out to Diego. “Nice to meet you.”

Diego shakes the shorter latino man's hands, his eyes crinkling in amusement. “You were her first boyfriend, Kyle.”

“That’s me.” Kyle affirms, realizing they are standing in size order- Diego, to Max then himself. “Do yall want to join me or would that be weird?”

“Not any weirder than us hanging out to begin with.” Max shrugs. He is secure in his relationship with Liz. He knows she loves him, but do all her exes have to have eight pack abs and be so damn attractive? The only thing they all seem to have in common is dark hair and dark eyes. Otherwise the three of them are so different- just like the role they played in Liz’s life story.

“What on earth would we have to talk about?” Diego smirks playfully, plopping down to the right of Kyle, while Max takes the seat on Kyle’s other side on the bar top. He is truly a mountain of a man and if Max were into that sort of thing, he could see where Diego would be the epitome of male perfection. It only makes him slightly insecure. Really.

Coming around the corner from the staff room, Maria sees Liz’s past and future relationships all sitting in a row and pauses a moment in surprise. Composing herself, she brings over a bottle of tequila. “You guys look like you could use this. Don’t worry, tequila is keto” Maria comments, setting down the entire bottle of wells tequila and three shot glasses in front of them. She is just glad that Michael isn’t here right now because he would be giving his big brother hell.

After they each take a shot of the cheap but cooled tequila, Diego asks, “Do you think she actually loved you or just thought it was what was expected of her?”

Kyle sputters on the shot he just took then coughs. Liz Ortecho puts him in more weird situations than anyone on earth- and she wasn’t even one of the aliens. “Uh. We were only together in high school. I think she enjoyed the protection and popularity of being with me because I played football and she got to wear my letter jacket. She just did it because it was safe. I was the training wheels before she started her life. Good thing too, because it would have been awkward if we had gotten married then found out I was her sister’s half brother.” Kyle shakes his head then takes the lime Max offers him to chase his shot.

Kyle pours himself another shot and takes it, while Max claps him on the back comfortingly. They both know that if Max had ever been brave enough to make a move in high school, Kyle would have been out of the picture. Kyle was just the one brave enough to make a move and had always felt comfortable to her. Rosa and her father had never liked him though- first because he was a douche in high school, and then because Arturo knew Max was the one for his youngest daughter. Max and Diego both follow with a second shot of their own. It’s been over a decade and Max isn’t bitter any more, but it is always weird seeing someone you know has touched your girlfriend. Kyle was her first, but Max will be her last. They are her past loves and he is her forever.

“You guys aren’t technically related. Liz checked your DNA.” Max hiccups. He’s always been a lightweight and two shots of tequila in a short period of time almost has him at his limit.

“She probably checked all of our DNA to see if we were genetically compatible to have children with.” Diego pipes up. He takes another shot, then smiles dreamily. “She always came up with the most genius experiments. Things no one would ever think of, with far reaching implications. She was determined to get a Nobel Prize.”

“She still will someday.” Max says proudly. He just hopes it isn’t using alien DNA that gets her there. He doesn’t need that kind of exposure for himself and his family.

Kyle pours them all another shot and jubilantly exclaims, “Cheers!” Standing up wobbly on the bottom rungs of his bar stool, Kyle reaches across the bar to grab 3 limes for them. “Woo!” He exclaims, popping a lime in his mouth to suck on and handing the other two men one as well.

“Liz always put the lab over everything. Me. Sex. Feelings. To this day, I don’t know if she said yes because she was sleep deprived and the ring was shiny or if she actually loved me.” Diego sighs dramatically, pouring himself another shot. Max is losing track of what shot number they are on and knows he needs to slow down if he is going to be driving. Based on the number of limes in front of each of them, he will probably be calling an uber.

“Really? We have quickies before she leaves usually.” Max tries not to be smug that he finally has something Diego doesn’t have- Liz’s love and attention. Maria gasps on the other side of the bar as she walks by. Max’s tongue is starting to get loose and as one of Liz’s best friends, it is Maria’s job to rein him in. “Shhhh! Liz can’t know we’re talking about her. She’s scary when she’s mad.”

“Hey, Max? Can I see your keys?” Maria asks innocently, taking the set of keys he offers her with the little cowboy alien on them. She will see how drunk they are when they are done but is prepared to call all three of them an Uber- or Liz.

Maria pulls out her phone and quickly texts Liz.

Maria: You might want to come get your boys.

Liz: Max and Diego? Why? Is Max doing karaoke again?

Maria: Nope. Worse.

Maria snaps a photo of all three men with empty shot glasses in front of them and an almost empty bottle of tequila. Max is leaning on Kyle to stay up and Diego is red eyed and crying. She quickly sends it to Liz.

Liz: OMG. I can leave in 30 if you keep them distracted. Why is Kyle there too? All they have in common is me.

Maria: He was here first trying to find a liquor with no carbs. On it, girl.

“We would have been married by now, you know.” Diego sniffs, wiping a tear from his eye. “I don’t know why I’m crying. She was just so perfect.”

“She’s not perfect. She has flaws. It’s a facade to make her feel worthy of love. But I love her anyway, easily.” Max stares off dreamily thinking about his first kiss with Liz.

“Dude. I’ve heard this story already.” Kyle rolls his eyes. “The sunlight was perfect and you laid it all out and she kissed you.”

While the men are distracted, Maria refills their tequila bottle with water. “Shots?” She asks, refilling all their glasses with water.

“This tequila tastes funny.” Diego sniffs it, then shrugs and takes the shot of water.

“I bought Liz a ring! It’s on hold at the jewelry store until I manage to get her ring size without waking her up.” Max blurts out, gesturing with his finger how he tries to tie something on her finger.

“She’s a size 5 aaaaaand one half.” Diego informs him helpfully.

“Thanks dude!” Max pulls out his phone and tries to text something under the bartop. Forgetting how to spell, he gives up and drops his head on Kyle’s shoulder. He feels sleepy.

————————-

At Liz’s voice, Max picks his head up off Kyle’s shoulder and beams at her. “Babe! I was jus tinking about you an you’re here!”

Liz shakes her head. “I sure am. Did you boys have fun talking about me?”

“She knows!” Diego looks around wide eyed. “How does she always know?”

Kyle hiccups, blinking at Liz. “She’s psychic.”

“‘Member what we all talked about? Shhhhh” Max puts his fingers to his lips and nods conspiratorially at his girlfriend's exes.

“Maria is the psychic. I just can’t imagine you men would have anything else in common to talk about.” Liz is trying to stay firm, but all three of them are a mess and she will definitely never forget the way they look right now. She is a little nervous about what they talked about but knows Max loves her unconditionally and isn’t too concerned. “Nobody is going to puke right? I’ll drop y’all off at home. Come on.”

“Their home, not ours right?” Max asks worriedly. He’s just gotten used to the idea of hanging with her past, he isn’t sure he can handle them in his house yet.

“Yes, babe.” Liz reassures him.

“And I get shotgun.” Max takes off for Liz’s car, bumping into a table on his way out and then slamming into the door.

Shaking her head, Liz rounds up the other two men and follows him. Nobody better puke in her car.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #257

I hope y’all are behaving and staying inside. This’ll blow over, folks.

Have you ever met a guy for coffee? No. How often do you get called on your home phone? We don't have a landline. Do you feed your leftovers to your dogs? We don't have a dog anymore. When we had them, we very rarely did. Mom did so more than me, and I wouldn't give them anything if they were begging. Except chicken nuggets with Teddy. There was no denying him chicken nuggets. Do you like salt on your popcorn? Yes. What tricks does your pet do? Well one is a snake and my cat doesn't know any because since when do cats obey you lmao. Do you believe in psychics? No. When you hear the name “Ginger” what do you think of? Jason's old fatass dog. What is the worst damage that your car has seen? N/A Who is your least favourite character on your favourite television show? In Meerkat Manor, fuck that, I loved them all, lmao. Well, I remember I was bitter towards Rita/Amira for killing Rocket Dog's pups, but even then I knew that was meerkat nature to ensure the survival of their own offspring. That '70s Show, definitely no one. I adore all the characters. For Fullmetal Alchemist, honestly, there are SO many that I don't remember probably even half of them. BUT, from what I do remember, Nina's dad whose name evades me. You watch it and you know why alkdsjf;kaldjw. Have you gotten sick this year? No. When was the last time you got a new ringtone? Eons ago. Where do you put your keys when you get home? They're always in my purse. What’s your phone background picture? Lock screen is a cute as fuck picture of Mark, home screen is two meerkats. If you could move to any country, what would it be? Realistically, Canada. Have you ever seen a snake in the wild? Plenty of times. Do you have any posters, paintings or other artwork on your walls? A LOT. My walls are cramped; it makes it feel homey to me. Would you ever take a trip to space if given the chance? Nah, too long of a journey. How do you cope with anxiety? Watch YouTube more attentively, listen to music, nap, take one of my anxiety meds. Are you expecting any phone calls or emails? No. Who makes you laugh the most? In my "real life," my dad. Out of anyone that includes those I don't actually know, probably Shane Dawson. He's a Mood, constantly. Do you know anyone with the same middle name as you? Oh, plenty. I have like the most common white girl middle name out there. What did you have done the last time you saw a dentist? I had a cavity filled. What does a successful relationship look like to you? Both ends are happy, communication is ideal and easy for the pair, both feel loved and accepted fully, and each has healthy freedom. What do you like to put on your baked potato? The ordinary butter, cheese, and bacon bits. What field of science interests you the most? Genetics. What’s the closest shop or restaurant to your house? A Zaxby's and McDonald's are tied, being right across the street from each other. What was the most memorable birthday you’ve had? My 16th is the one I remember best, but not in a good way. What is the best house you’ve ever lived in? Our last house, aesthetically. Right in the woods and relatively pretty, yet simple. Do you look in the mirror before you leave the house? Yeah. Have you ever seen someone quit their job in a dramatic way? No. Do you know why your parents named you what they did? No. I think Mom just liked the name, though. What do you like to dip your fries in? Ketchup, mostly. Is your house clean or messy right now? It's actually really clean right now. We've had a lot of help around the house recently thanks to family and friends with Mom's cancer, and then I've been much neater and attentive to cleanliness than usual because 1.) it's my responsibility to ensure it is for Mom's health and 2.) I dropped out of school so literally have zero excuses to not be doing at least one productive thing. What was the last email you received? That wasn't trash, it was from my old major's dean in school. She was trying to comfort me and give me options on what to do versus leave, but yeah. I'll 100% give it to the school that they deeply and sincerely care for their students, I just needed to go. Do you know someone who speaks without a filter? lmao me. Well, depends, I guess, actually. I know when to keep my mouth shut in some situations. What’s your favourite kind of museum? Science museums. Especially those with d i n o z. Do you believe in alternate universes? I'm open to it, especially with the mandela effect theories, but I don't think so. Whose house did you last visit? My older sister's. What games do you play on your smart phone? Pokemon GO (if I'm in an area w/ Stops to get balls) and Dragons of Atlantis. What kinds of decorations do you put up at Halloween? We don't really decorate anymore for Halloween, or holidays in general. How many tabs do you have open right now? Two. What’s something you’ve been meaning to do but keep putting off? Try more sites to hopefully get a poem I wrote published, but that crippling fear of rejection tho. :^) What’s the first thing you check on your phone at the start of the day? The time. Have you ever flown a kite? Yeah, I loved that as a kid. I’m guessing you’ve probably been asked this before, but which do you prefer - Coca Cola, or Pepsi? Coke. Pepsi is gross. Has your phone ever gone off in the middle of a class at school? No. Did you go to your school dances? Did you dance with anyone? Just two proms. We didn't dance tho because the music was shit. What’s your relationship with the last person you talked to on the phone? What was your conversation about? Like, talk-talked, no texting? Uhhh who was that. OH YEAH, my sister. My mom didn't answer her phone so she just called me to make sure she was okay. The last time you washed your hair, did you use conditioner?
 No, I never do. It just adds oil to your hair, and mine is naturally oily enough. Do you have an item of clothing that reminds you of someone? Tell me about it, and the person it reminds you of. I have a lot, none positive. If the last girl you texted told you that she was pregnant, how would you respond? Ask her who the fuck I need to kill. How would you react if your mother told you that she was pregnant again? Well considering 1.) she's past menopause and 2.) she has serious ovarian and Fallopian cancer, I'd say that's pretty impossible. Who do you have the most text messages from? Sara. The last time you skipped school, what was the reason?
 Uhhh if you mean "skip" as in I had seriously no realistic reason not to go, I think I was just really tired. I tried not to skip unless I was having serious mental health issues. When did you last see or speak to someone you dislike? Why do you dislike this person? I actually don't know who that would be. When you listen to music, do you generally sing along, or just listen? I rarely sing. I just listen. Do you have any of your exes as friends on Facebook? Yes. Does more than one person like you? *shrugs* Has your partner ever accused you of cheating, when you actually didn’t? No. Who was your first love? Do you ever miss that person? Jason. Of course I do sometimes. Other times I know it's probably for the better we have nothing to do with each other anymore. Do you like your middle name?
 I mean it's pretty, but boy do I wish it was more original. If your hair is long, would you ever think about having it cut short? Or, if it’s short, would you like to grow it long? I doubt it will ever be long again. Would you consider your parents to be strict? Dad never was at all; Mom sorta was when I was little. Do you have a mirror in your room? On the back of my door. Have you ever worked in food service? No, thank God. Do you often stay in your pajamas all day? I almost always do, unless I have to go out somewhere. I pretty much never leave my house ever, forget just quarantine, so like... why make more laundry. What are three YouTube videos you would like to film soon? N/A Do you ever listen to country music? No. What is your most severe allergy? Pollen. What’s the largest library fine you’ve ever had? Oh wow, no clue. I haven't been the library in millennia. Have you ever lost a library card? *shrugs* Name three literary characters you feel resemble you the most. UH yikes. This requires too much thought for me rn. Name three cartoon characters that resemble you, and say why. Ummmm I still don't know. Do you have a good doctor? I haven't seen her enough times yet to honestly say. Mom knows and likes her well, though. She's fine so far. Do you wear a watch every day? If so, what color is your watch? No, I never do. Does your phone alarm ever scare you? No, it's very peaceful. Which department store do you shop at the most? Wal-Mart. How old were you when you got your driver’s license? I'm 24 and am yet to have it. Do you have regrets? A good handful or two. Do you ever curl your hair? It's too short to do so. Do you know anyone who has coronavirus? No, and I pray I never do for my mom's sake. Out of all the big cities you’ve visited, which has/have been your favorite? Chicago is the only big city I've ever been it. Was pretty damn dope, though. Do you like dreamcatchers? I mean, they're cool. I don't believe in them being magical, though. Have you ever made a dreamcatcher, and if not, would you like to learn? No and no. Who was your high school’s biggest bully? I don't remember. What color was your graduation cap and gown? Red. Did you keep your graduation cap? I think I did. Did you decorate your graduation cap? Nope. What is your favorite part of nature? The animals within it. Do you use Photoshop? Yes. Favorite photo editing app on your phone? I don't have an editing app. Did you love or hate college? Well, considering I dropped out three times, guess. Favorite class in high school? Art. Favorite class in college? Idk. Probably Writing. Class you hated the most in high school? Math. Class you hated the most in college? Painting brought me the most stress. Do you know how to write in calligraphy? Not technically. Have you ever had a pen pal? No. Do you prefer brownies or cookies? Brownies. Man I could go for one. Favorite Girl Scout cookie? Those Reeses-ish ones. Did you ever go camping as a kid? No. Do you have hormone issues? No. Have you ever gotten a misdiagnosis because your parent(s) lied about you? Er, no? A shitty doctor has misdiagnosed me, though. Which Barbie doll was your favorite? I didn't even know there were "types"... Do you wake up to an alarm? No. When did you go to bed yesterday? Like, 8-something... I rarely make it past 9:30 nowadays. Do you live in a city, town, or in the country? The country. What color is your toothbrush? White. When was the last time you had a nightmare? Yesterday while I was napping. Woke up shrieking and scared Mom out of her skin. Tainted my mood almost the rest of the day. If you had a terminal illness, would you want to know? No shit I would. What was the last thing someone called you other than your real name? I don't know. If you could meet anyone who lived before your time, who would it be? I have no clue. Is there a candle in the room you are in? No. Are you currently taking any prescribed medication? More than I like. Do you have bad anxiety? If so, do you take any kind of medications for it? Yes and yes. Who was the last person you felt you were wasting your time on? I don't know. One thing you’ve experienced that you thought you never would have? A suicide attempt. What was the last thing someone said to you that kept repeating over & over in your head? Ugh. If a random person were to look through the photos on your phone, is there anything you’d be embarrassed about? No. If you could, would you work from home? Do you think that would make you more or less productive? No no no no. I need a reason to leave the house. I'm way more productive away from home anyway. What were you like in middle school? "The weird kid" describes it pretty well. If you could give one charity a million dollars, what charity would you donate money to? YIKES!!!! Now that's a question. Probably something for suicide prevention/awareness. What is something you’re surprised hasn’t been invented yet? The cure for cancer. It's incredible, just how many "possible" cures have been identified in nature, yet you like... hear NOTHING about it afterwards??? My conspiratory and "the medical industry just cares more about money" ass wonders about that a lot. Most disturbing movie you have ever seen? Paranormal Entity or The Rite. Has a life goal or dream ever come true for you yet? If yes, what is it? If no, do you think you’ll achieve it? No. And probably not. What one thing has always bothered you, but seems to bother no one else? Hm. I'm sure there's something. Do you still own a VCR and VHS tapes? No, pretty sure they've all been sold. Did you ever build furniture forts as a child? Yep. What kind of dog is your favorite? Pretty sure I'm biased towards beagles. Are the majority of your friends male or female? Female, I think? Have you ever considered dropping acid? Noooo sir. Would you consider yourself to be mature? Mostly. Describe your music style: I like unique alternative stuff. Catchy, heavy riffs do me in easily, too. I like well thought out, dark, and impactful lyrics. Are you close to any of your aunts/uncles? Not very. Have you ever had a seizure? No. When was the last time you were in a hospital? For myself, 2017. I think. Do you go on vacations a lot? I never do. Are you self-conscious around other people? Very. At your workplace, are you required to wear a uniform? N/A Have you ever witnessed a physical fight in real life? Huh, good question actually. What was your GPA in high school? 4.2/3 or something. Do you use a lot of hair products? I don't use any. I mean, besides shampoo. What is the most amount of money you’ve spent at one time? My own money, I think $300 on a tattoo. What is the best pizza place out there? Domino's. I'm such a basic bitch. Do you know how to play any odd instruments most people can’t play? Nope. When was the last time you used a disposable camera? I think the zoo visit in 5th grade. What is your favorite book series, if you have one? Can't say I really have one. It definitely used to be Warriors by Erin Hunter, but I haven't read any in maaaaaany years. Do you have any celebrity autographs? Nah. What is your favorite color of clothing to wear? Just black. Admit it – you want a Snuggie. What design/color? I got a black one one Christmas, lol. They're honestly not all that great. Do you prefer movies at home or movies at the theater? THE THEATER. I actually enjoy watching movies in the theater. It's just the vibe, I guess, and the size of the screen so you take in everything. How many songs does your iTunes have? Just over 1k. Its memory is maxed out, oof, so if I want a new song, I have to thin the library out. Do you take a shower in the morning or the night before? I've been taking showers more often in the morning, lately. It's a nice, refreshing start to the day. I'm just too tired and unmotivated to at night. Who’s your youngest teacher? N/A When’s the last time you had a rock, paper, scissors match? Wow, no clue. What’s your favorite anime? Fullmetal Alchemist. Did you cry when Ash let his Butterfree go with the other Butterfrees? Oh I probably did, but THEN AGAIN, the female was FUCKIN PINK so I'm sure I was also happy for Butterfree lmao. Even as a kiddo, I knew pink was The Shit. Skinny, flared, ripped, or faded jeans? Skinny, ripped ones. What are you excited for? Just honestly, nothing in the even remotely near future. Nothing in my life is exciting rn. Are you part of the Farmville cult? Never played. Have you ever stood on a frozen solid body of water? YIKES besides like, small puddles, definitely not. I'd be scared to. Which person from way back when would you love to hang out with? Jenna, an old best friend, came to mind first here. It'd be great to catch up with her. She called me in the hospital after my suicide attempt despite not talking in absolutely forever, and I'm never going to forget that. Does your family use a real pine tree or a plastic one for Christmas? Plastic. Literally the only positive of the real ones is the smell. Otherwise, it's a mess that dies too quickly. Do you have any foreign exchange students at your school? N/A What’s your second language? I'm not fluent in it, definitely not anymore, but the language I took for four semesters was German. Is it uncomfortable for you to take showers in glass stalls w/out curtains? OH MY GOD I would positively hate that. Even IF I had a decent body. Did you understand Shakespeare? I was alright. What was the last shot you got? It was a numbing agent into my gums. They had to do it like... seven times. Apparently, I'm just like. Really hard to numb. Ever gotten cavities? Yeah. Do you use hair ties as bracelets? I don't even wear hair ties. What was the last school project you did that you couldn’t wait to turn in? Uhhh... I don't remember. Have you ever graded papers? I actually have; I was helping a teacher on work day. I used to go back to my elementary school a lot to visit my favorite teachers. What was your favorite year of school up to this point? Maybe like, junior year of high school? Or senior. I don't remember which one of those I enjoyed more. I just remember I loved my art class, I had great grades, my relationship was strong, yada yada. What’s the latest you’ve ever woken up? Like 5-6 PM. Had a busy night and that evening was a complete panic attack because my system was so thrown off. One thing I DON'T miss from high school: how bad my anxiety was. Can you recite the alphabet backwards? NOOOO I cannot. Like, at all. Are you a sucker for foreign accents? Some, yes. Do you do yoga? Not anymore.

[professorpalmarosa]

Weird Nutmeg Dream: The Chris Chan Escape Room

This is not the first time I have chronicled a weird dream brought on by diffusing Nutmeg Essential Oil. If you diffuse the correct amount, you increase your chances of having a lucid dream...or at least something fun and interesting.

Too much, and you’ll end up with dreams about bees building hives on the other side of your window or psychic hipsters with man-buns stealing your identity so you’ll kill everyone he hates with your brainwaves.

Wednesday night, I had a real doozy...

In this dream, one of my old high school friends had just turned 30. To celebrate, they wanted to get a big group together to play a brand new room at an escape room company close to my city’s amusement park. I was eager to play for a number of reasons:

I love escape rooms. I played my first one in 2016 and have been hooked ever since.

I have played two escape rooms at this facility already. Their rooms don’t have the ambient lighting, expensive sets, and mood music like my favorite place does; but their puzzles tend to be trickier (and honestly, sometimes pretty funny).

The engineer who owns the company and designs the rooms is a very nice guy. Once you finish a room, he loves to nerd out and explain how he constructed the room, how the puzzles work, etc. He also has a cool “replay room” where you can watch your gameplay. Sometimes, he’ll slow it down. Other times, he’ll speed it up and play Yakety Sax from the Benny Hill Show.

This was a brand new room. Only two groups had beaten the room so far, but no one had successfully unlocked the “special bonus ending” yet. That probably thrilled me more than anything else.

My group arrives on time and we’re all eager to find out what the theme of the room is. I try to weasel some information out of the owner, but he’s being uncharacteristically mum about all of this. That’s when our “guide” steps out to greet us.

He’s a chubby fellow dressed in a blue and red striped rugby shirt, a pair of blue jeans with a stain near his fly, a pair of thick glasses, an amethyst high school ring…and something around his neck that gives away what the theme of the room will be. My friends are confused and more than a little grossed out by the stain, but it’s all I can do to hold in my nervous giggling.

‘Oh my god,’ I realize. ‘It’s a Chris Chan escape room.’

For those unfamiliar with who Chris Chan is, Christine Weston Chandler (formerly Christopher/Christian Weston Chandler) is a high-functioning autistic internet personality famous for creating Sonichu: a hybrid between Sonic the Hedgehog and Pikachu. She occasionally releases comics; but nowhere near as frequently as she once did. This is due to stress, repeated harassment from online trolls, financial problems, and a deteriorating mental state due to all of the aforementioned.

Her life is pretty much what would happen if the Truman Show were real…if Truman was autistic and the show was 100% guest-written by internet trolls. Everything she does is chronicled by “Christorians” and broken up into sagas. Sagas are typically categorized by personal life events, failed romantic relationships with (sometimes real, sometimes fake) women, and whatever troll/trolling group is harassing her at present.

As a side note, I know that Christine’s preferred pronouns are now she/her. When speaking about her in the present tense, I will use those. However, since (1) this room dealt with Chris almost a decade before the transition was announced and (2) even Christine herself tends to treat the past Chris as a separate entity (she even kicks him in the nuts in the Sonichu comics, if I remember correctly); I’ll be using he/him for the purposes of the dream. This room was designed around Chris, not Christine.

I don’t have an account on the Kiwi Farms, nor have I ever contributed any articles or attempted to contact Chris. However, I’ve been following Chris’s antics for nearly ten years and fancy myself to be a bit of a closeted amateur Christorian.

No one in my group knew this and it was about to become relevant.

“Hello, ladies and gentlemen, girls and boys, and dudes of all teen ages!” Fake-Chris greeted us. I’m trying my best not to crack up because I recognize that quote. I know where this is going. The actor does not disappoint. “My name is Christian Weston Chandler. I’m here, and y’all are there!”

My poor friends look like they’ve just crash landed onto an alien (Little Big) planet. They have no clue what hell they’ve just unleashed, but it only get crazier from there. I won’t go into the full specifics of what the actor said—again, this was a dream and not reality. Some of the details are hazy now that I’m awake—but I’ll go ahead and tell you what the general premise for the Chris Chan escape room was:

The Sonichu medallion around Chris’s neck was a copy. He wanted to give the original to a “sweetheart” he was courting online, but he lost it somewhere in his room. Just to humor the actor, I asked who the sweetheart was.

Fake-Chris’s face lit up with glee, probably because a real girl was talking to him. “Blanca Weiss,” he tells me giddily. “Blanca’s real. Yeah. I talked to her!”

By now, most of my friends are having second thoughts about entering that room. The actor has creeped out most of the ladies in my party, as well as my gender nonconforming friend who is really uncomfortable when people make comments about their chest. They haven’t had top surgery yet and it’s a very sensitive subject.

There was one more twist for the plot of the room: Chris believed one of us wasn’t being “true and honest” and was, in fact, a troll from the internet. This brings me back to the “special bonus ending” I mentioned earlier. Each group of players would have one troll among them. This person would have a slightly different objective from the other players.

All of us were tasked with finding the Sonichu medallion, but the “troll” player would need to:

Go undetected by Chris and the other players for the entirety of the game.

Find the Sonichu medallion.

Steal the Sonichu medallion from the rest of the party.

Leave the room before the hour was up.

If the troll could successfully do this, they would be rewarded with a free full booking of another room. Escape rooms tend to run anywhere from $15 to $25 per person in my city, so that’s about a $250 value! I don’t care who the hell the troll is in my group is. I’m not going to dox them because I want the free game.

In an attempt to convince my wary friends to move forward with the game, I reassured them that I’d probably be able to catch most of the inside jokes in the room. “I know my Christory, guys.” They looked at me like I was speaking a foreign language. “I know this stuff! We can do this!”

Unfortunately, my enthusiasm and can-do attitude bit me in the ass. Not only had I outed myself as some kind of online weirdo to my friends, but Fake-Chris proceeded to hit on me for most of the game. Initially, he tried his best to give every player an equal amount of interaction. I guess he noticed the other people in the room were uncomfortable and I seemed “nice.” I was asked multiple times if I was “boyfriend-free.” (Spoiler alert: I am, but that’s because I’m a super choosy and super, super gay.)

I was right. My Christory knowledge came into play multiple times during the game play. There were puzzles based on:

The “Gitars of Fail” (Guitar Hero guitars Chris customized after Sonichu and Meatwad from Aqua Teen Hunger Force, just to name a couple)

The Sailor Moon poster Chris used to look at every day to reaffirm his “straightness”

Rearranging the members of the Chaotic Combo in chronological order of their first appearance in the Sonichu comics. Their Amibos were spread around the room and needed to be placed in that order, otherwise a box with a magnetic lock wouldn’t open.

The Orange Fanta cans. If you don’t already know what those are for, you DON’T want to know.

The Sonic Totem

The Pixelblock Heart Torch

The “Yep! I’m on TV!” DVD.

The “Wall of Originals” custom Pokémon cards.

Chris & the Hedgehog Boys. My guy pal Patrick had to sing a rendition of “So Need a Cute Girl” and it was godawful.

Finding the one game in Chris’s massive collection where one of the characters was incorrectly colored (Sonic Boom, which Chris doesn’t own. Chris boycotted that game and even pepper sprayed a Gamestop employee).

A scavenger hunt inside the Manchester High School Year 2000 Yearbook. We had to look at every gal pal.

Having to pull half a key out of Officer Nasty and another half out of Kimmi: Chris’s inflatable sex dolls.

A DDR Mat that (once the four combination locks were unlocked) opened a portal to CWCVille. The four codes were SONICHU, ROSECHU, NAITSIRHC, and CLYDECASH.

One of my friends found the Sonichu medallion inside the CWCville portal. It was hidden inside an empty jug of OxyClean. I heard several cases of “oh thank Christ” muttered among my friends. I could tell they were having fun in here, but were ready to leave.There was just one problem:

Someone had to give the medallion back to Fake-Chris and none of my friends wanted to talk to him.

The clock was running out and Fake-Chris had become increasingly paranoid. “Aw, come on!” he kept whining, sweating and panting as he made grabby hands for the medallion.

“Okay,” I told my friends as I held out my hand. “I know none of you want to do it. Give me the medallion. I’ll take care of this.” My friend handed over the medallion without a second thought, but I didn’t head toward the actor.

I headed toward the door. I was the troll all along.

[taz-writes]

what are the abilities of all the magic combos?

Oh man, y’all are really having me run through my worldbuilding notes tonight! I hadn’t decided on all of them yet. But, based on the most recent worldbuilding, here are the ‘ultimate’ combos. Most are tailored towards battle magic, because let’s face it that’s where this is tilted anyways. No one’s impressed by a very OP cleaning spell anymore, no, you gotta pull out the BIG guns. 

*Note that these are all EXCEEDINGLY rare, it’s a one in a million chance at best--the number of individuals who have lucked out and had these ultimate combos over the last few thousand years could be comfortably seated in your average movie theater, with the exception of the Dark/Illusion ultra combo, which is weirdly common in the Ravenhart lineage for whatever reason. You’ll see one of those every couple centuries--still very very rare, but much less so than the others. What’s rare is seeing one actually unlock the full depth of the power, because of the way new magic powers manifest. 

Storm/Light: This is a relatively underpowered ultimate combo. It just creates a really OP fire fairy, and gives you stuff like high heat resistance and durable wings that are useful on a down-to-earth daily basis. These also have access to Light’s standard false synthesis, which is usually only possible for “true” Light-primary fairies. 

Storm/Illusion: Creates an electropsychic. They get distance mind control via the electric signals in another person’s nerves, and they can easily annihilate somebody if they fuck that up. This is their most feared power, though it’s far from the flashiest. They generally also have bullshit levels of strength in one of the mundane elements, the specific one can vary by individual. Water or ice is the most common one, there have been like four of those as opposed to maybe one or two each for other elements. Listhana’s was air, which she famously used to create lightning via loopholes. 

Illusion/Storm: I’ve called these Fantastians or Phasians before, tho I’m not crazy about either nickname. They can create illusions that you can touch and feel and often smell or eat, but which disappear at their will. This level of reality-warping isn’t normal, a skilled Illusionist can make you see and feel and hear lots of things but smell and taste are almost never affected by anything but placebo. A key difference between this and synthesis is that this will wear off /eventually/, and also it’s still not real, you can eat infinite fake food but you won’t be full. These guys are valuable assets. 

Illusion/Dark: This one gives you multi-form shapeshifting. Individual shapeshifts are a more generic Dark power, usually common with Light in secondary, but for some reason Illusion/Dark creates the same thing. Overlaps like these are actually common in Feian magic, and ripe for manipulation. You also get very high-level transfiguration, possibly on par with the famous alchemical lead-to-gold endeavors. Best not to experiment, because Feilan’s magic does have realistic consequences attached to atomic fuckery. Just ask any wind mage who’s played with too many storm clouds. 

Dark/Light: Healers and technopaths. The latter is obviously pointless in Feilan’s feudal setting, but it’s still worth mentioning, they can talk to and instinctively understand machinery if it’s advanced beyond a certain threshold. They’d have a field day on Earth but Iliginia just isn’t ready for them. Dark/Light combos can heal things nobody else can, to a degree where if they misjudge their own strength they can and will give you cancer from their enthusiasm. They have a limited ability to refill someone’s magical reserves or heal auratic injuries such as those caused by overuse of magic. This is a form of soul manipulation, but it’s not as aggressive as what Light/Dark types do, so it’s significantly less terrifying. 

Dark/Illusion: Creates the scary puppetmaster psychic. You can manipulate people from a distance using shadows, it was inspired by that one shadow trick that I distantly remember from the Naruto chuunin exams years and years ago, for aesthetic reference, tho the mechanic is different. I used to call these “animari” but I don’t like that name anymore, it doesn’t feel right, so now I’m in the process of redefining them. Some of these can also self-levitate, an ability normally reserved exclusively for the Four. 

Light/Storm: Produces a Genesine (spelling to potentially change). They can perform true synthesis, eg. producing something from nothing, forming permanently-lasting matter out of raw energy. Arguably the most OP combo, definitely the rarest, there are no 100% confirmed instances of Genesine magic in known history. There have been maybe one or two of these since the creation of the fey race. It’s maybe the most broken of the ultimate combos. Also they shoot lasers, like, really well. 

Light/Dark: Liscitors. Another frighteningly powerful combination. These ones can manipulate magic itself, easily tearing apart opposing spells and curses, or even altering auras themselves. They’re objectively scarier than Genesines despite seeming less powerful on the surface, because they can literally tear your soul apart. This is why people are scared of Light fairies! Again, can’t emphasize enough, society would’ve collapsed if there had been more than one or two of these in the last several thousand years.