#I’m not a taz fan just yet but I need the show to convince me

[thevirtualvalentine]

Every picture I see of him he just gets finer and finer.

[ma-lark-ey]

I'm making this post the disclose my current opinions on the Dndads discourse and how frivolous its become.

I would like to preface with one thing;

This post contains content of grooming and manipulation, as this has been the main discussion in this fandom and the issues. I am speaking from my own personal experience, as a former victim of grooming who only recently escaped my abuser. I will not say their name, those who I feel comfortable knowing further information on this already know.

this is my trauma, and I am speaking from my experiences. This is one of the hardest possible topics I could touch on, and I beg anyone who still cares to listen, whether I change your mind or not. Listen.

I've wrestled with my support of this podcast for eleven weeks now. Maybe longer. Since before the discourse became a major thing. I've wrestled with this since episode 34 was released, and I need you understand that.

I need you to understand that I believe the hosts have done what they can to fix these issues. And I genuinely do not see what people still want from them. I will address each topic one at a time, and if I touch on things lesser than others, please understand that this discourse triggers a trauma that I underwent less than a year ago. a trauma I am still processing.

1. Grant, and his over sexualization.

The jokes revolving Grant and his sexual orientation or exploration were sometimes in very poor taste, I am not that blind. I will not defend them or say they weren't as bad as they are. But here'd what people have to think about when we talk about this; Those jokes are already in the episode. They cannot be removed, and the best the hosts can do about that is avoid that humor in the future. Humans are not perfect, and humor is ever growing part of a person, its always a tossup of if a joke will land or not. These did not, and they have not made these jokes since they got called on it.

On the Discord claims about them discussing his porn history, I can say nothing on that. I've seen no sources or proof that that happened. I won't make any opinions or comments on that until I've seen concrete proof that these conversations happened.

2. The Unsafe Discord.

They're Discord is no longer unsafe. Blanket statement, no discussion open. Here's the thing and here's where I'm going into my personal experience; Discords minor precautions arent up to par either. The DnDads hosts have made their 18+ channels, they've made the Discord clear to not be a totally kid friendly place and has tried to separate adults and minors. But they genuinely can only do so much. Minors can easily bypass these guidelines, and that is where we get to the whole grooming argument.

As a grooming victim, this is not the slippery slope people make it out to be. And adult fans,,this is where I'm telling you to sit down and shut up for a minute. Listen, for just a moment. I know I'm "just a kid" but, I've lived the possible outcomes you've thrown out. I lived that experience, and I lived. I survived, and the way you talk about it is so invalidating to me its absolutely disgusting.

I'm prefacing this with this may sound ineloquent, and not as "pleasant" as I usually like to sound. Because with this I expect people to listen. Its not in the public ass Discord server where you should watch out for the child. Its if you see an 18+ individual actively DMing that person, and this minor speaking about this person as if they're a major part of their life.

I need you to understand that I was genuinely wary of one of our own community members when I first began speaking with them, because of this trauma. I wary of ALL of our community members. I didn't share my other socials with people in this community unless I knew their content first. There have been multiple times I've stopped myself from messaging who I will call "My Annus" because of this trauma I've endured.

And I'm sorry, but Waterdeep genuinely has no precautions set in place to separate adults and minors that the DnDads Patreon does not. You cannot act like saints and villainize them, when they adjusted and became you. Then either both of you are saints or both of you are demons.

Children interacting with adults is always a bit set back at first. But I've been groomed. Twice. And you people act like its obvious, like it can happen so easily. And it does, it happens easily. First its them texting you so much you feel overwhelmed, then its them becoming someone you rely on. Someone who makes you pity them.

And its not gonna be people who are SIGNIFCANTLY older. (i.e, I feel much less worry interacting with 30 year olds than I do 18-22 year olds.) Because the adult people that feel 'more understandable' to be friends with cause their just barely adults? they tend to pry harder. They can get away with it. Thats just fact. The people who say "Oh I'm eighteen, but I just turned eighteen" I'm always the wariest of. Not because I'm convinced they're bad people or whatever, but because both times; my abuser was one of those people. This was two different people as well.

And thats what the adults of this fandom won't address. That its not the slope they've made it out to be. Because then they have to retract statements they made, and a lot of people, minors and adults, just don't have the humility to do that.

The only advice I can give to people in the server, who are worried for the minors. These are the only signs I can give you, and this is from my experience or the experience of other survivors I've spoken to, and I'm by no means saying this is concrete.

Abusers tend to be /just/ enough of an adult to be considered on, but not so old that it'll be considered weird for them to befriend a minor. The age gaps I see most often are 14/19 or in that kind of range. They'll go for the lonelier or newer folks, the ones who haven't built their group in the community and are just entering. The ones looking for their place in the hierarchy. If you want to help protect us, you watch like a mother bear when a new minor joins.

A lot of us don't realize its happening until its too late, and by the time we realize the situation we've fallen into its too late for us to get ourselves out. The majority of us have weak wills and a fear of conflict.

3. What the Hosts have done in response.

I honestly, genuinely think the hosts have done a lot of steps in the right direction. And in recent episodes? man, they've tagged their shit better than the McElroys, and no I'm not reaching there.

Honestly, they kind of did before to, on topics they knew were really rough for some people.

When they warned for the Willy Stapler stuff, I was grateful. They warned me I may be triggered by Ron and Willy's dynamic before I was forced with it. The McElroys had a scene with grooming in Grad, and I wasn't warned. I couldn't mentally prepare myself and I had a minor reaction to it. And thats not at all to shit on the McElroys, anyone who knows me know I love that family more than anything. That they saved me. Thats just a statement I need you all to understand.

The Hosts aren't "ignoring us" they're listening to us. They genuinely are. They saw we wanted content warnings, and they gave us some of the best content warnings I've seen. They've content warned episodes I didnt see reason for content warnings.

4. The Transcripts.

Look, this is beating a dead horse at this point. I, personally, have debated beginning to transcribe episode. I know they said they will, and I trust their word. But thats all we can really do, right?

I've transcribed things myself before, guys, and thats hard. and it takes time. and knowing them, they'll want to get all the current episodes up at once, and thats gonna take a hot minute to get down. And we can go into "Well why didnt they transcribe from the beginning?" and well, that's because transcribing just wasn't a thing until recently? Like again, going back to MBMBAM and McElroys, they don't even have all of TAZ transcribed last I checked (I believe their transcriptions go from Grad-Stolen Century, and anything before Stolen Century doesn't have one yet. I may be wrong on that.)

I will not speak on the other grievances and issues people have brought up in the show. The topics I covered are the only ones I feel comfortable speaking on on a public platform, where my words can sway opinions.

There is no TL;DR, because as I said in the beginning; if you can't read this, you aren't listening well enough nor willing to actually discuss the issues you have. You're looking for something to be mad about. Period, end of discussion.

I don't say that to act like I'm some authority on this, or some higher being above all of you for "being forgiving." Because, frankly I don't forgive them. I will continue to support them for making steps in the right direction, and upping their game. But, I won't forgive them for their jokes or the brief lack of precaution in the server. But, I will move on and I will support them. Because, as a victim of the problems people brought up in those situations, the steps the took are the best ones they could have. And I am grateful for that.

If other survivors read this and disagree, you're perfectly valid in that. We all went something, and it effects each of us differently. My heart goes out to you, as well, I know how isolating and genuinely terrifying those experiences and situations can be.

To those who aren't survivors and have read this; I beg you to think about this.

I am open to discussion further on this, but to an extent. There are some opinions I hold in this message that I will flat out tell you to not debate me on, not because of anything other than what I said in this post was hard enough to me to say.

Thank you for your time. EDIT: I implore anyone reading to the read the notes on this post, more information and discussion can be found and all of it is just as important. 

[youremyonlyhope]

Starship Rewatch

10 years ago today (well, yesterday since I’m posting it a day later), 15 year old Hope curled up on her couch to watch a new StarKid show called Starship right as it dropped. This was the first time I got to watch a show when it was posted since I didn’t become a StarKid fan until a months earlier. I was so excited.

And now, I’m rewatching Starship for the first time in full in at least 5 years I think. I listened to the soundtrack twice earlier today, singing along at my desk at work (thank god no one else was here tonight to judge me). I still know so many of the lyrics. And so many little jokes and stuff were flooding back. Starship was my favorite StarKid show for a long time, so I’m so excited to watch this again to see if it’s still my fave.

This post ended up being really long, so you’ve been warned. But it also includes pictures of the crocheted Roach and Bugette plushies that I made as a teen.

OH. THE OLD LOGO. AHHH. I already have so many feels. The future is now! I can’t handle this. The nostalgia! The Galactic League of Extraterrestrial Exploration. My facebook account to this day says I am a Starship Ranger at the G.L.E.E. because I’ve never bothered to change it. Also, shoutout to anyone from the StarKidPotter FB and EFST days if you’re reading this. AHHH IT’S CHRIS AND ERIC. Ok I might have to pause 20 thousand times during this Starship Ranger ad to acknowledge all the StarKid cameos. Tyler! “We come to conquer... in peace!” Tyler I love you. Brian and Richard! I forgot they painted Richard BLUE. Britney and Ariel! Nicholas Joseph Stauss-Matathia! I see that StarKid’s website has shortened his name to just Nicholas Strauss but remember the days when we’d purposefully say his full name? Anyway, I literally just screamed “NICK” when I saw him because he was always one of my faves. The Old Snatch was and still is iconic. Devin and Lily! The Wizard God himself, AJ Holmes. God... remember those AJ Holmes appreciation days where we’d make Chuck Norris-like memes about AJ? So much is rushing back from the depths of my mind oh my god... It’s been so long yet it feels like yesterday... “Someone really *static* F- *static* -ucked up big time” Love it.

2 minutes and 22 seconds in. I’ve written so much. I had to pause before Joey started singing to take a moment. I love this show so much. I love these goofballs so much. And they’re all so young. Most of them are younger than I am now. This is insane.

Ok I have to promise myself not to pause as much now. *Spoiler, I failed*

“I’ll fight off this gamma radiation if it’s the last thing I ever do!... We’re going down! This is the last thing I’ll ever do!” Oh my god. Look at baby Joey. He hasn’t even graduated from college yet. And that Bug puppet! Someone remind me to dig up the pictures of my crocheted plushies of Starship puppets since I made Roach and Bugette and gave them to the StarKids at SPACE and Apocalyptour. (I also did Rumbleroar, but the bugs were my own pattern I made so I was more proud) The camera is focused in on Bug instead of Joey’s face. I love it. So much. Brannnttttttt. My god. Am I gonna freak out over every single entrance? Roach pretending to die, he’s the best friend ever. “The needs of the many bugs outweigh the needs of the few bugs.” “Or the one bug, I know.” Oh man, when that line comes back... “Dirt eater” “Exoskeleton polisher” “I wanna build honeycombs” “The bug that ruins your picnic” “A fly on the wall!” That line came back to me earlier today and I died. Remembering that line was like 50% of the reason I listened to the soundtrack today.

Nick Lang! Julia! LAUREN LOPEZ. THERE SHE IS. Lovebugs, I can’t. *Sentimental music* “You could come over to my nest and I could... tear off your head and let my larva devour your body?” How did I forget that line? The way Lauren has to kick Bugette’s larva sack to walk. But the way that it also works so well with the character. I can’t. The Mosquito Brothers!! I forgot they show up so early. “This is our sister, Sweetheart” “...YO.” I CANNOT HANDLE JIM POVOLO. The “zzzz”s like buzzing as backing vocals instead of the usual “ahs” and “oohs.” The things you don’t appreciate until years later. Darren, you genius. That is such a good detail. For a second I couldn’t remember who the Overqueen is played by. 99% sure it’s Jim (It is). Also. Overqueen like ovary... and it looks like a giant vagina. That had to be pointed out to me later. “FLATTERY WILL GET YOU... everywhere.” Why did I forget that line too? “I’m a starship ranger” “Quiet you, you’re drunk” “No I’m drunk!” I remembered that line probably like... 2 minutes earlier when I noticed Joe huddling in the background and realized that line was coming up. The way Joey lets go of the puppet so both he and the puppet walk away with their arms limp... so cute.

Before even pressing play on part 3, I can hear February saying “Let the record show I am super ahead of schedule.” and I’m dying. I forgot about Brian as the escape pod. Denise Donovan! That Star Trek prop. I’m dumb so I can’t remember if it’s a communicator or what. But I know my Uhura Barbie had a mini one that I lost within a month probably. “OxyGen” “Schience” I can’t. “Mission Log... I think I just heard a spooky noise.” How am I forgetting all of these amazing lines? “Pika-pi!” AHHH I JUST SCREAMED. “My stars, I seemed to have landed in a field of these aMiNals!” I can’t. “Can I tell you guys something?” *port de bras and falls gently to the ground* “Hello!” “TOTORO!” I’m dead. The balloon mechanism on the mosquitos! I forgot about that! “HOLY SHIT IT’S A BUUUUGGGGG” Ok something I noticed but didn’t mention earlier. The bug puppet that Joe uses when he says “I had my heart set on nourishment” is the same one red and pink one that Julia used when talking about wanting to be nourishment. When Julia actually gets eaten, she’s using a different bug puppet, the green and pink one, but the same character voice. So, I can’t tell if they intentionally had her play 2 bugs so Joe could be one of them later, or if it was a mistake. I might also just be overthinking things. “ME THINKS IT WENT THAT-A-WAY” I cannot handle Jim Povolo. That scream Joe does as he slimes her. Woah I originally wrote “There seems to be no signs of intelligent lifeforms anywhere” earlier and then deleted it since I don’t know why I found it remarkable. And then looking at the comments of this part I see someone mentioned a Toy Story reference. So that’s why that line stuck out to me. Aww StarKid. There are so many Disney references in this show.

THERE SHE IS. THERE’S MY GIRL TAZ. The pew pew effects how could I forget that!  “Hey Taz. You’re pretty tough for a chick.” “I was just going to say the same thing about you.” “Woahhhhhhhh” JoMo oh my god. “My spectrometer readings are off the wazooooooo” That line kills me. Why am I JUST NOW noticing, 10 years later, that Tootsie enters this scene with his gun facing the wrong way. Oh my god. “I saw the empirical proof that science killed god. It’s comforting to know he was once alive though. I like to think that when he died, he went to heaven.” Oh Tootsie Noodles. “...What the hell kind of name is that?” “He’s got bear hands??” Why do I forget all of these lines??!? That record scratch and freeze frame to go “BOOOOOO” oh my god I forgot that. “Like the other day, he was in the cafeteria, just cah-rying in front of everybody.” BOOOOOOO. Here we go, Taz’s amazing Up monologue. “And when Up, cuts an onion, the ONION is the one who cry.” HELP. Also 99% sure I used that joke for AJ appreciation at least one year. “Now take a walk off my knife” What a line. So awesome. I remember having a profile pic on FB that was the text of that monologue and the image of Lauren screaming “WALK IT OFF” I’m still convinced that first “WOO” from the audience that we hear when Up enters is Darren. “I do not peepee sitting down” “Huh??” JoMo’s face as if he’s trying his hardest not to laugh and I can’t tell if that’s him breaking character or if Krayonder is actually trying not to laugh. “I peepee like big boy, deadgoddamnit. So stop making fun of me because it hurts my feelings” I’m dying. Also, deadgoddamnit is amazing. “if you don’t go out there and die for something, then I will kill you for nothing.” I remembered the mirror scene, just seconds before it started and already started laughing. “You’re not a failure, overall.” “Allow me to introduce you to the final member of your team. MegaGirl!” I forgot how DRAMATIC that was. I also forgot that’s how MegaGirl comes into the story.

I need to stop pausing every 5 seconds oh my god I’ll never finish this tonight if I don’t.

“All hail AstroBoy” That was the funniest line. “MegaGirl, can you kill humans?” “No. But I’d like to.” I can’t handle it. “A horse ate my cousin! Me and horses got a feud.” #1 MegaGirl doing the “I’m watching you” hand sign. I can’t. “Hey. Miráme. *Slaps* NOW ESCHUCHAME” amazing. “Or that time. You taught me calculus... CALCULUS WAS TOUGH.” I never went past pre-calc. Nope. Ah. Get Back Up. One of my fave songs. “And now we dance.” Dylan’s “OW” as they lean back. “Ok Idiotas. Say something nice. Or I will kill you.” It’s all so iconic.

“So you still think being an egg planter is lame?” “...Yes.”  The larva oh my god. I forgot we see one before the end. That’s Jaime playing the larva I think. Life is definitely one of my all-time favorite StarKid songs to this day. I wish it was longer. I love it so much. And I love that its instrumental is scattered as a motif throughout the show. “It’s a short, small thing we lead. With so much potential, pointless or essential, which one can I be?” Wow. Near Pippin levels of giving me an existential crisis. Also wow Joey improved his singing so much between AVPS and Starship. “My name’s Bug” “*Gasp!* Like a bug??” “Uh... no.” “Good. I’m February, like the month, but a person.” I should start saying that honestly. “I’m Hope, like the concept, but a person.” “You boldly go where every man -hey- woman -bark woof- or data dog has ever gone before! Sorry K9DX” Adorable. Joey’s subtle little double nod he makes the Bug puppet do when he’s shocked she thinks he’s a Starship Ranger. Amazing. Ah he said goddamn not deadgoddamn! February should have known right then he wasn’t human! “Take my claw” that too. "The only thing that needs to rest are your jokes, because they are so tired.” “Woahhhhhh” No but like... why don’t I use that line in everyday life... “Now I am slightly less weak.” “Ok. I’m going to shoot this metal bitch!” I’m dying. How did I forget the Taz/MegaGirl rivalry?? “That thing is a R-O-B-O-T man” “Can’t fool me with numbers, Krayonder.” I’m dead. “The stack of hay was my cousin!” #2 The way Meredith says “barometric pressure” is great. And Tootsie saying “Well you must take real good care of it, because I never would have guessed.” He’s such a sweetheart. “Nobody shoot dammit, nobody shoot.” “KILL KILL KILL” I never really liked Hideous Creatures but it’s so cute to see MegaGirl do the choreo robotically. I love that the Gap hasn’t changed. “Cool it skank, you do not know me.” Another line that I forgot until a split second before it was said. I’m so glad whoever edited this added some pews going in the wrong way for Tootsie’s gun. I know I definitely noticed Tootsie’s gun was backwards during this part, but I don’t know if I noticed it was backwards in that very first scene too. I forgot about MegaGirl tossing out Specs. That “MEGAGIRL!!!” scream from Joe though.

“Never in my 6 long days of life.” Underappreciated joke. Also, I think this is the 4th unique upright bug puppet. We got red/pink, green/blue, green/pink, and now red/blue. Also, Nick Lang is a great puppeteer. “Yes, I helped her escape. But I swear, never in a million years, did I think I’d be caught and yelled at for it!”  Oh I forgot Bugette is the witness. Jaime’s angry face behind Joey is killing me. “He didn’t know the humans were evil.” “Oh, they’re not.” “Shut up!” Humoons and hoomans. “And no more singing or dancing” *gasps of horror* “The Overqueen has overspoken.” “Well, that’s not gonna help your chances with Bugette” Oh Roach. “PERHAPS.” Jim destroys me.

God the 4-person Pincer puppet. Amazing. Dylan’s arms being strong enough to be above his head for 10 minutes straight. Amazing. Also, Nick Lang is so emotive as a claw. It took me a sec but yeah JoMo is the tail. “There were? Where are they?” Joey’s face. “Tell me all about her” The claws under the chin I can’t. Hey StarKid, I see you throwing in an ad mid-video before Kick It Up a Notch. You’re lucky I love and support you guys. “Put ‘em together and what have you got?” bibbity boppity boo. More Disney references! This scene is full of them. Man, remember when we were all blown away by Dylan’s voice in this song the first time? Like we could tell he could sing in AVPM/S, but his songs were just so jokey and only his long “Welcooooooooooome” showed us his talent. But then Kick It Up a Notch happened. And we FINALLY appreciated Dylan’s beautiful voice. “I pushed it to the limit.” and “To coin a phrase, be a man.” more Disney. I might be overthinking this and will have to rewatch Life to confirm, but I think the camera zooming out as Pincer reprises Life is just like the camerawork when Bug sang it originally. If so, then wow even when filming their shows StarKid really thinks it all through. (Update: It totally is referencing the original zooms for Life and that’s amazing. Except it’s zooming out instead of in. I LOVE the attention to detail even in filming the show. I’m gonna guess that’s Liam’s doing.) All I can see when I hear Bug’s chorus of this song is Jaime and her SPACE tour dancing, which they incorporated in Apocalyptour as actual choreography. Because they’re goofballs. The kick line. Love it. God. Even though it’s not my favorite song from Starship (just because I love Life and Beauty more), Kick It Up A Notch is one of the best StarKid has ever done. I really has everything. Dylan’s gorgeous voice. Not one but two reprises of earlier songs to throw Bug’s own words back at him. Jim’s bass line. Awesome puppets. Disney references. It’s so amazing. I love how all the comments are either about Dylan’s voice or Dylan’s ability to hold his arms up for a 10+ minute scene or both.

"Gameover man, gameover!” “I feel like cutting open your belly, and filling it with jelly” *Gasps* Oh my god, I put on the captions for a second, and  the caption said *Sad spayed puppy noises* “I am in charge of this mission now.” How did I forget about the mustache until 2 seconds before it happened? “She’s got the mustache now. *Kisses head* I love you” Oh my god Tootsie. I FORGOT ABOUT THE SECOND STACHE. There’s an ad right when we see Bug’s human form and I can’t even care because look at him! Ahhh. And the blue headband! Ahhhhh. Joey you’re so adorableeeee. “Bug? Well that’s a fine name.” His concerned face then the relief. Adorable. “Thank you sir. I am a tough bitch.” “Getting nothing but bug muff?!?” I love the slight delay the audience has before laughing as they realize what was just said. “Bug. You hard, ese. You flame.” I die. “Up there. In Space!” *dramatic pointing* No I totally didn’t just do the dramatic pointing with them... no that’s not in my muscle memory from 10 years ago... why would you think that. I’ll rave about Status Quo after it’s done. “But, what if I miss you?” Awwwwwwwww. And that “Just look up.” screenshot was used for “This.” memes in the fandom for years.

Oh Joey. Status Quo is such a good song too. And he really did improve as a singer to sing it. Earlier this week I remembered that this week is also the 10th anniversary of that time Darren was hopping from city to city every single day to promote the Warblers album. And at one point in that week he did a livestream that I remember rushing home to watch. In that livestream, I am 99% sure he sang Status Quo as a little sneak preview for Starship being released later that week. (Just checked, yep he sang it in a livestream on April 20 2011) God I love this song. Then the version the boys all sang for SPACE Tour was beyond beautiful too. Ahhh I love this musical.

Ok. It’s almost midnight. I started this 3 hours ago. I’m probably not finishing the show until 2am at the rate that I’m pausing and stopping to comment. But OH WELL.

“Dr. Spaceclaw” wow. “Leaving them behind was of little consequence, but a pleasure.” Oh Megagirl. “You did a very good job today too, son.” “*Gasp* Thanks dad.” That Star Wars fake-out though. Speaking of Star Wars, I really need to rewatch Ani now that I’m actively a Star Wars fan unlike last time when I still wasn’t invested in the movies I just watched them. How did I forget about Jaime playing Junior’s new mom?? ...Does Junior get an alien incubating in his chest... is that foreshadowing... I can’t remember. (This was like... half a foreshadow) This scene is funnier now that Breredith is married. The way Junior says “Phew” I’m dead. I remembered how they restrain MegaGirl once again 2 seconds before it happened oh my god. “We deserve bubbles on our skin.” An iconic line. “Well thank the long dead god you made it, Bug!”  The crunching of the handshake, I can’t. Oh someone in the comments pointed out that Bug and February are doing the Tarzan hand thing while Up’s asking Taz to see a movie. Adorable.

Get yourself a man like Tootsie who won’t stand for you talking down about yourself. “Maybe this was all part of God’s plan. He made before he died.” I love the dead god jokes. I remember years ago some kid on facebook was like “The dead god jokes are offensive” and I was like “It’s a sci-fi musical about a bug in a human body but sure worry about god being dead.” but probably in an even more immature answer. I’m just mesmerized by Tootsie and MegaGirl’s verses. God. The first Dylan and Meredith duet. Amazing. And MegaGirl’s confused face is great. “Don’t press that button, or we’ll all be sucked into space.” So... Can anyone tell me what foreshadowing is? Oh shoot... ok wait no I’ll comment on that when we get there. God that is such a cute love song. I wrote barely anything just because I love that song so much. Would love to know where Tootsie’s taking her though.

Oh my god this scene! I forgot about this. How could I forget this. “Well the world always looks a little bit brighter, from on top of a lap.” I had remembered Bug sitting on Up’s lap, but not Specs. This is the part I forgot. Adorable. Ahhhh so cute. The Specs/Krayonder relationship was apparently cut from the filmed version, but was present if you saw it live. These moments are adorable. And I love how this is the second person JoMo’s had to carry in this show since he also carried Denise earlier. “Why if it isn’t Bug, my oldest friend.” and “Don’t say that, my dear.” are adorable. Oh wait. Up sat on Bug’s lap. Not the other way around. Ok. I didn’t remember this scene as well as I thought I did. I’m dying. I didn’t want to write anything during this, but oh my god “That son of a bitch Optimus Prime” I forgot that. I love the audience’s reaction to “The entire right side of my body, it’s a robot” because they all gasp, and then laugh at themselves for gasping. I knew there was something he couldn’t do without crying. I didn’t remember it being “Sir I Wanna Buy These Shoes” Christmas Song. It’s ok Up, I haven’t listened to that song in full in years. I can’t handle it. But Christmas songs in general make me cry too. Oh Up said goddamn instead of deadgoddamn too. Hmm... Aww the mother spider story. “I think the old you was just killing out of hate.” “Oh I was.” I’m dying. Awwww the nose kiss. I definitely remembered that. “Deadgodspeed soldier!” The way Joey misses catching the keys and also Darren’s “Woo!” in the audience again. So great. That 12 minute scene is just adorable and the Up story is so dramatic and hilarious.

Hmm finishing before 2am might be ambitious... “Hahaha. Then I’ll shoot him!” “Taking care of my business down on the planet is that cool with you?” Brian’s delivery of that line has always intrigued me. “How much I care about my MegaGirl unit’s survival is also a percent equivalent to zero” Rude. “You are nothing like my boyfriend, Tootsie Noodles.” “Yes, well - wait WHAAA” This scene is so different now that they’re married. “Ha. Ha. It was cute.” “You’re... a toaster.” *Slaps* Ok 1) I used to use that insult all the time and only half ironically. I was a strange teenager. 2) She just hurt a human... isn’t that against programming, or can she just not kill humans? Evil angry Brolden is something we need more of. I love Brian as a villain. More please. “You stupid goddamn robot” So I guess they say goddamn and deadgoddamnit. I’m overthinking the evolution of language in this universe. Also Brian’s screams while being choked are amazing. I’ve never forgotten those, if anything they’re better now.

AHHHH I REFRESHED AND DELETED ALL OF MY STUFF FOR BEAUTY. Kill me. I’m so mad. Let me try to recreate it but I hate myself. I was saving this draft after every part but OF COURSE I don’t save after my favorite song and then refresh.

Oh poor Meredith. Her white wig doesn’t let her blend in as much when she’s in the hoodies playing a bug. “Oh hey Bugette, we’re just trying to get Bug laid!” That bug had to know about Bugette’s crush though? That’s just cruel. “The ending is killer” ruuuuuuddddddddddeee. I know I had at least one more point, but that’s lost to the ether. Beauty is probably my fave, if not tied with Life. When I was listening to it earlier, I was overcome with emotion because it’s just such a joyful song. These days I cry over happy stuff almost as much as I cry over the sad. And these lines just hit so hard... I love it. I love this song so much and this scene so much. “Bug. She excreted her filth for you. WE DID IT!!!!!!!!” Brant Cox is so good. It really is a shame he’s not in anything else besides AVPSY and the 10th Anniversary with everyone else. “I do accept you for who you really are. A genius.” Well February, you’ll be glad to know that you thought of that, so you’re the genius. Wow. Junior’s 25, Brian was 25, and now I’m 25. This really was perfect timing for the 10th anniversary. Also I do not feel 25. “Suck off!” amazing.

I’M SAVING THIS TIME.

Ok next part. Luckily I was only 1 minute into the next part when I refreshed. Still so mad at myself... “Someone really firetrucked up big time” (Dead)God I love that line. I also used firetruck unironically. Once again, I was a strange teenager and I didn’t like cursing and I still don’t. “This is so weird, I’m so used to the scrambly version.” (It was while writing this line the first time that I refreshed and lost Beauty....) Ok as I watch AJ, it’s hitting me that he almost definitely came to the set during rehearsals and filmed his part since it’s not a green screen like the rest of them. “The hunters have become the hunted, and it’s wabbit season.” “That was a good video, until the end when it got sad.” Thanks Bug. “I think, I just had a think” See February’s smart. “I’m in a weird situation” Love that line. “Bug is a BUG!? I DON’T BELIEVE IT” Oh Junior. Dylan’s insulted face at “I am not... a dumbass.”  So I can’t tell if Brian forgets he’s trapped when he moves his arms into a more relaxed position to lean on the column and then puts them back, or if it’s purposefully staged that way. Brian’s acting while he pretends to be shy and embarrassed about his evil plan is amazing and adorable. Brian has a good evil laugh, why don’t we get him as a villain more often? Also I was gonna make some sort of joke about Nick as Pincer’s left claw vs. Robert as Snarl’s left paw, but I’ll leave it be.

I FORGOT ABOUT THAT WEIGHT TAZ WAS LIFTING JUST FLOATING UP TO THE SKY WHEN SHE LETS GO. I just laughed out loud. “Damn that G.L.E.E. They’re always making twisted abominations of everything!!” I cannot handle it. And the wink. Poor Darren but also not poor Darren at all. I was just now WRACKING my mind for who could possibly be playing Pincer’s tail if JoMo was being devoured by mosquitos. It’s Brant. Literally the entire cast is currently onstage. Ok Krayonder’s been getting his blood drained for 3 minutes, why is he alive? OH I FORGOT KRAYONDER GETS UP AND SHOOTS THE BUGS. Ok and he gets chopped by Pincer’s claws too so HOW does he survive? StarKid answer!!! I forgot how dramatic this musical gets when you got both the bugs and MegaGirl coming after the humans. Aww the Vulcan salute from Specs. “I changed my name. To Tootsie... MegaGirl.” I love the reactions of the people in the audience who immediately realize what that means. I hear at least one “oh my god” that sounds like sobbing. Awwwww Tootsie’s “that’s real” speech and “I’d love you if you was the horse that ate my cousin.” (#3) just... get yourself a man like Tootsie MegaGirl. He is perfection. God the downloading love scene is so cute. I can’t handle it.

The Up saving Taz scene is so dramatic. Then Brian and Jim just calmly walk offstage. It kills me. Also why did Jaime just continue to lie there? “I just needed to learn how to kill with my heart.” Not exactly what Bug meant, but it works. God Taz climbing onto Up’s back is still the most hilarious thing ever. Whoever thought of her climbing that way was a genius. So funny. I always wanted to try it. Holding the gun up to her head like a blowdryer always gave me anxiety. Making the door out of a scrim that can be backlit was genius. Oof and bringing back “The needs of the many bugs outweigh the needs of the few bugs. Or the one bug.” just hurts. Poor Bug. My heart. This is probably the line that sticks with me to this day and I do think about sometimes.

Ok it’s now 2am and I still have 2 more parts.

I sorta love that Joey didn’t have the time to change into his blacks so he’s still in the Starship Ranger suit while playing the Bug puppet. “Save the Overqueen. I love her.” Awww. “Roach, I’m gonna get the job done if it’s the second last thing I do.” Love it. That Kick It Up A Notch Reprise though. Brian, you should play villains more often. Also remember all of us being like “LUPIN CAN SING?!?!?!??!!” “Lucky for me, God is dead. When you see him in hell, tell him Junior sent you.” Deadgod I love that line. This whole deadgod thing was just leading up to that amazing line. Oh no Bugette! Bug saying “maestro” oh my god. “DFSDSJFDSJKFDS... I’m dead.” I forgot that part! Oh my god the way Brian flicks the glasses back down on his face. Ok so I saw Lauren wiggle her way behind the mucus sac, but I didn’t see Nick come onstage. I rewinded, and I guess the zoom in shots on Brian and Joey were timed so we can’t see Nick join Lauren to be the first larva to come out. Oh well. And I love the crowd cheering as Junior dies. “And bingo was his name-o” That callback though. I forgot that the Overqueen eats Bugette’s body while crying. “Or Bugette! Oh...” Also god Roach is adorable.

Last part. 2:21am. Here we go. Krayonder got his blood sucked out by giant mosquitos and was cut up by a giant scorpion, but all he needs is a bandage around his head. Awwww the soft “I Wanna Be” playing the background as Bug begs the team to accept his bug form. Bug being so mad “It’s that bastard Pincer isn’t it?” and then being so happy that Joey does the little nose scrunch thing. So cute. JOEY’S FACE WHEN DENISE KISSES THE BUG PUPPET. Cannot believe I forgot that until 2 seconds before it happened too. “I now pronounce you man vs. machine. Fight!” WOAH. Why in the WORLD did “eep op ork ahah” come back to me. I was able to say it WITH Joey. That was straight from the DEPTHS of my teenage brain oh my god. I forgot about that oh my GOD. THAT’S INSANE. I FORGOT SO MUCH STUFF BUT I REMEMBERED HOW TO SAY “I LOVE YOU” IN BUG.

And the Beauty reprise.

God I love this musical. It’s still my fave StarKid show I think. And I’m horrified to see that it has only 500K views for the last part, so only 500K people have watched it all the way through after 10 years. That’s disgraceful. It’s amazing. Watch Starship.

It is 2:32am. I started at 8:50pm. Got sidetracked when I had to rewatch the Beauty part of Act 2 again to make sure I got my notes back in the post. Took a few bathroom breaks. But this is mostly because I paused every like 10 seconds to make a comment, so it took 5 and a half hours to watch a 3 hour musical. This why I take forever to watch things while liveblogging. I take too long to writing notes.

I’ll probably just post this in the morning. Gotta proofread for mistakes before posting.

Ok it’s the next afternoon. This post is literally 5,000+ words and takes 20 minutes to read according to a online word counter. I’m sorry to whoever read this entire thing. Your reward is the pictures of the Starship plushies I crocheted when I was 15 and 16.

(Ignore the bad lighting and my horribly chipped paint. That’s the only picture I have of the Bugette one since I gave it to Lauren Lopez a day later. I started making another for myself shortly after but never finished. Maybe I should finally finish the second one... hmm...)

[pinestripes]

Favorite Moments from TAZ: Balance, in No Particular Order

(I’ve been wallowing in my grief over finishing Balance for a bit now, and I thought I could make a tribute by listing some of my favorite moments from the campaign! It should be noted that there will be SPOILERS AHEAD and that some quotes might be paraphrased slightly. Also, I haven’t listened to the liveshows yet.)

The guys’ delighted laughter as Griffin reveals that Barry’s back.

Actually, every time they have big reactions to his reveals. The sheer dumb confusion and then the whooping and clapping when the first loop in the Eleventh Hour happens. Justin’s quietly horrified reaction to finding out Lup made the Umbra Staff. Clint’s confused laughter and incredulous “Anyone?” when Griffin asks who he summons from the bond engine. 

“I, and a team of other people, created this world.” “Gary Gygax?”

The guys tormenting Jenkins in Murder on the Rockport Limited, after which we find out the guy is a literal murderer (and not, in fact, a “sh*tty wizard”).

The entire exchange at the bottom of the well in the Gerblins arc. “Can anybody levitate?” “I think we just live at the bottom of this well now.”

“No dogs on the moon. They just run right off the damn thing.” "Should you say it, or should I? ...No dogs on the moon!”

“[Stephen] swims around in his tiny bowl. And he loves me.” 

The sheer comedic gold that is the scene where Taako convinces Garfield to give him the sword--the perfect buildup, Griffin’s soul leaving his body as he realizes what’s happening, the other guys losing their minds as they too realize it.

Arms Outstretched, of course. And the sort of reprise of it in the finale. 

Speaking of the finale--I’m a massive sucker for “Hey, the gang’s all here!”-type finales, where everyone we’ve ever met in a series shows up in the end and pays a role. And the TAZ finale does this SO WELL, with the music, and how it always makes sense in what’s happening in the scene. It’s so satisfying. 

“You know we’re going to have to talk about your sister being a lich, right?”

Lup’s introduction. 

Lup’s return, from the long pause, to Justin snapping the staff, to Clint’s “Attaboy!” to “YOU’RE DATING THE GRIM REAPER?”

When the guys all simultaneously respond to the question “What’s the best type of advertising?” with “Word of mouth” in Wonderland after episode after episode of them asking people to and thanking people for telling others about the podcast. 

Killian reacting to Magnus cutting off Merle’s arm.

Magnus eating the Philosopher’s Stone, and Griffin subsequently being adamant that Travis deal with the consequences of his actions.  

The guys starting their second loop in Refuge and immediately messing up so badly that Justin almost has Taako shoot them all and end the loop right there. 

Magnus’s. Pep. Talk.

Lucretia in the Candlenights episode. “Hot diggity sh*t, this is a baller cookie.” “Magnus, this is the nightmare scenario.” “Booyah.”

Taako suddenly deciding stealing is wrong in the Goldcliff Trust. “This isn’t a dungeon; people do business here!”

Merle’s bit about the traveling forward/backward in time 9 seconds in the finale had me laughing so hard I was wheezing and crying. My roommate had to check on me and make sure I was okay.

I love Davenport and his sheer delight at piloting the Starblaster again. “Dance for me, buddy.”

The guys coming up with silly and perfect reporter names and newspaper titles to ask questions at the beginning of The Stolen Century. 

The big, triumphant way Griffin goes “Let’s roll initiative!” in the finale, followed immediately by Mort Garson’s incredible music. 

Everything Angus does ever. 

The scene with Taako teaching Angus magic. “Can--can I get tickets?” “Why don’t you conjure them yourself, Mr. Wizard?”

When, in Reunion Tour, Angus says something about his books and Travis says he loves Angus and Justin says “Precious” in his Taako voice which means IT WAS IN CHARACTER AND CANONICAL. 

Lup freaking apologizing for destroying the macaroons Angus made. 

The Tom Bodett thing is just. So dumb. But so funny. I love it. 

Taako calling Barry “Barrold.” 

Fisher loving the carved wooden ducks is SO CUTE. 

“Griffin, can we please deal with the Fullmetal Alchemist situation I currently find myself in?”

“Who?” goiehioewgasd;

The Junebug scene, with the music, gives me chills. 

“Those are the arms that have held my wife!” 

Merle choosing Lucretia to go with him to the spa in that lunar interlude because it’s so good for character stuff but also is unintentionally heartbreaking when you think about it much later??

Cassidy becoming mayor of Refuge. 

Magnus deciding to break into the BOB’s prison. I’ve never been a DM, but I could feel Griffin’s sheer frustration and exasperation in my very soul.

Okay, no, I actually need to talk about Arms Outstretched. I usually don’t feel much dread or fear when watching/reading/listening to things because I’m like “it’s fictional, no one’s in any actual danger, there’s more books/episodes after this, it’s going to be fine” but this scene made me feel absolutely horrified dread the instant the Animus Bell rang anyway. 

“Taako’s rushing in!” “Magnus follows him?” “Merle’s good out here.” “What’s going on?!”

“Hello, my name is Elder Merle!” THUNK

Magic Brian’s death. “I cast magic missile on him again.”

“Between the fan and the fancy umbrella, I’m one seventeen-inch waist away from being Scarlett O’Hara.”

The tantrum Taako throws when asked to get on the Elevator of Tomorrow in Crystal Kingdom, and of course his subsequent GLEE when Magnus and Merle get attacked after using it. “Taako--that’’s me, hi--I’m done with elevators. Never again! ...Don’t do it, I swear to god. You will not like how this ends. I will burn a spell slot on you. I give no sh*ts.”

Lucas, sadly: “My lab!”

The endless tormenting of Leon. “Yeah, he is no longer functioning. You have thoroughly broken this man.” “I win!”

Justin finding out about Lup’s existence and immediately having Taako call her Lulu. 

“That’s real low [max HP]!” “Is it? Is it, Griffin?”

“See, there’s magic in a bard’s song. They call it inspiration, and it tells the listener what they need to hear right when they need to hear it. And right now, you hear it too. The message in the music heard round the world. You hear Johann’s voice, telling you, ‘You’re going to have to fight. And...you’re gonna win!’”

“Hear that babe? We’re legends.”

“This should go without saying at this point--Taako is DELIGHTED.”

“My name is Magnus Burnsides.” “Marchis Burchsins.” “Yep, nailed it. Got it in one.” 

When Merle has the choice to sacrifice his memories of his kids’ births in Wonderland and immediately decides to take the penalty.

The bit in the second Story and Song where the guys keep putting off getting in the Starblaster and keep having little moments with all the other characters, and Griffin gets so annoyed that he tries to get them to move along using the NPCs. “No, totally. Let’s save the world, then 420 blaze it. Can we gooooo?”

Lucas, also sadly: “I got a splinter.”

“Our capacity for love increases with each person we cross paths with throughout our lives, and with each moment we spend with those people. But, too often we neglect that part of ourselves in favor of others. And by the time we realize just how important it is, we find ourselves with fewer folks around to practice with.”

“Did you enjoy the adventure?” “Of course!”

“Oh, yes, small prophecy is easy. I burp and a small prophecy happen.”

“Let me tell you a story about the time we fought three ogres, and I got punched so hard I almost died. You remember? You were up in some kind of weird laser firing potions willy-nilly, Magnus was pulling the arms off a robot, and I got punched so hard I almost died! I’m not about to throw down with a giant crab while you’re armed with just a terrible Scottish accent, and Travis doesn’t even have his shield! I’m out!” 

“It all started when I met the most beautiful elf, and the bravest cleric...”

“Not all exits are made equal. Some are beautiful, and poetic, and satisfying. Others are abrupt and unfair. But most are unremarkable, unintentional, clumsy.”

“I’ll be having my body back, you undead f***.”

“We’ve chosen the perfect person for this. It’s like sending a mildly eloquent piñata in!”

“Let ‘em know, kid.” 

“The late Merle Highchurch rolled a five.”

“You’re going to be amazing.”

...And every single moment that demonstrates what phenomenal entertainers and storytellers the McElroys are. Thank you, guys, for an experience unlike any other. 

[elftwink]

LUP and if you're cool with doing multiple, magnus, merle, and taako

i’m absolutely good to do multiple i love Having Opinions

LUP:

How I feel about this character: loml like IDEAL character god like not to show emotions i main but i cried when she was introduced and then she showed up and was just undeniably the coolest character on the podcast god BLESS

All the people I ship romantically with this character: lucretia or barry but like honestly to be honest with you. more w/lucretia and how much i even like barry and her relationship w/him is really more due to fan created content vs anything actually in the show, especially because literally we just dont hear anything about her feelings until they’re already together like griffin i get it its a big show theres a lot to cover but like. idk lup could have mentioned once that the feeling was mutual or something. this part should have been under unpopular opinion but whatever

My non-romantic OTP for this character: MAGNUS….. they r good friends

My unpopular opinion about this character: a tame opinion i have thats more just a hc is that i have is that she has a bob because she’s bisexual and also because chin-to-shoulder length hair is “just started transitioning and i need plausible deniability” culture and sometimes after that’s all done you’re like “this length isn’t bad as long as i properly cut and style it” and thats my proof. my other opinion is that i 100% honestly believe if she had switched places w/lucretia she would have done something similar and thats why she forgives lucretia so fast bc she understands the choice lucretia made. she would have executed it differently to be sure but like. same principle

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: interactions…… with lucretia….. more of them i am so starved ever since griffin said he wished we saw more of their friendship i have been in a pit of despair. give it to me

the rest are under a cut bc Long

TAAKO:

How I feel about this character: fucking superb you funky little wizard

All the people I ship romantically with this character: tbh mostly just kravitz. there are other ships im not against but honestly most other ships just sort of feel like….. like ppl just feel the need to ship taako w/every man to walk the earth and im over it, especially w/ppl he barely speaks to or to whom other members of the thb have better relationship dynamics

My non-romantic OTP for this character: ren!!!!!!! also davenport i feel like especially post canon they’re really close friends. also hurley. 

My unpopular opinion about this character: i DONT understand shipping him with sazed and i never have. for a long time i was CONVINCED there was going to be some brief mention of him being an ex or them being involved or even just of the relationship dyanmic being complicated or having a power imbalance favouring sazed or SOMETHING but literally all that happened was sazed got jealous and tried to poison taako. and like. idk was that backstory of watching 40 ppl die not traumatic enough for people? did we also need to add in that sazed was an abusive boyfriend? stop writing gay ppl suffering for entertainment

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: i fucking lie awake at night thinking about what would have happened if taako fell under the thrall of the gaia sash and magnus and taako had to help him and hurley and sloane came back right away as dryads and joined the team. it haunts me. he failed that will save and i wanted CONSEQUENCES. also b4 anyone is like “they’re immune” prove it.

MAGNUS

How I feel about this character: Projection Central tbh like……. travis and magnus both are like uncanny valley like me. like so much like me that it is sometimes deeply uncomfortable. anyway i love magnus 

All the people I ship romantically with this character: julia obvs and also avi like… me and 4 other ppl for that one

My non-romantic OTP for this character: lucretia like…. team human. also 100% magnus lucretia and lup are the dream team in every single way they are great friends and they compliment each other really well change my mind

My unpopular opinion about this character: honestly. i think he should have taken the chalice like first of all it would have been dope for gameplay second of all i think every day about the way that would have affected his character

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: kravitz sidequest in suffering game like is arms outstretched cool? yes. do you know what would have been cooler? a fucking sidequest through the astral plane. we are denied plot points because magnus refuses to die…. unbelievable. also i wish we got to see more of him post canon like bc his finale was when he died we missed out

MERLE:

How I feel about this character: dilf

All the people I ship romantically with this character: davenport and like. kind of john i guess but not as much

My non-romantic OTP for this character: probably lucretia also…… its important to me that lucretia has friends. also like. i think post canon merle is one of the first people to forgive her and hes most like he was during tsc with obviously more growth and so they get along like old friends the quickest and the most. honestly i really do think merle is charming in a very specific merle way and he gets along with so many people so its like. honestly everyone. the man tried to be friends with the hunger like the compassion……. the care for other ppl… the commitment to joy…… i fucking love merle

My unpopular opinion about this character: DILF. THE TAZ FANDOM IS AFRAID OF THE TRUTH BUT IM NOT

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: i always thought it was a weird choice to bring up merle’s arm during the chalice because it was played so much as a joke metatextually that it felt out of place next to the other two. especially knowing merle has backstory fodder too. i dont remember if they’d gotten to it yet. anyway i wish either they’d taken the arm thing more seriously the whole time or his option at the chalice was something else, i think the scene would have been more balanced. maybe it just felt out of place to deal with something we saw in game tho because the other two were backstory hooks. who knows.

then again griffin also brought up phandalin and they NEVER cared about that like it was always a joke so think partially it was griffin being like “CARE THESE ARE VERY SERIOUS THINGS THAT HAPPENED” so i guess thats fine. idk where im going with this. 

[sandersdelinquents]

Im super curious, what's up with Remy?? Like, he's sloth, and like he is "sleep", but in this au, what makes him the way he is? And why is he sad about how he is? ~a curious theorizing fan with cfs

A deep seated ache

Focus: Remy’s home life

Warnings: pain descriptions, parents not understanding, sadness, some feelings of helplessness

–

Remy wakes up earlier than he means to, which is not unusual, but still annoying as always. It’s the pain that wakes him. It starts in his elbows, a feeling of creakiness that shouldn’t be there, and then it spreads down to his fingers. It’s sore like he spent time lifting weights but he hasn’t done that in years. He grimaces as he flexes his hand, the action causing more soreness to race up his arms to his shoulders and then down the rest of his body. It settles in his joints. He takes a deep breath, feeling his body hold him to the bed and refusing to let him move for a few minutes.

A few minutes, turns into half an hour. Long enough for him to hear the rest of his family get up and begin their day with no trouble at all. He closes his eyes tight, trying to tell himself to get up, convince his body it’s okay to move, that it’s okay and he can get through this. He rolls to his side first, the action making him let out a huff. It’s only the beginning of the day.

Five minutes later and he’s finally sitting up, gripping the edge of his bed tight to hold himself up right. Pressure is what it feel like. A heavy weight on his shoulders that wants him to lay back down and not move ever again. His joints are throbbing. He’s exhausted. No amount of sleep can get rid of it.

With a few deep breaths, Remy pushes off his bed to stand, letting the weight of his own self press down. Once he can handle that he starts with the rest of his day, moving slow and not having the energy to go any faster. His soft clothes are a very small comfort.

“There he is!” His mother cheers brightly to him once he makes it to the kitchen area. He offers her a weak smile.

“Finally got out of bed did ya?” His father says with a laugh and Remy’s smile falls. He did manage to get out of bed today. That’s good. He grabs a granola bar from the pantry, almost dropping it in his weak grip, and flops to the couch in the living room. He can’t open the wrapper.

“Remy?” He lets his head lull to the side, his brothers all getting their shoes on to get to school. Taz tilts his head at him curiously.

“Are you okay?” He asks. Remy gives him a small smile and nods his head softly.

“Just tired,” He says.

“You’re always tired,” Job points out, hands tight on his backpack. Remy sighs.

“I know,” He says. His brothers come closer, crowding around him like they’re waiting for him to tell them a story.

“Why?” Tate asks. Remy huffs and manages to push himself forward to rest on his knees, granola bar still in hand unopened.

“I’m sick, kind of, it makes me really tired all the time, it’s chronic, and never ends,” He gives them the best smile he can manage, knowing it looks pained. And really he is in pain. His brothers all look between each other, wondering if they should believe him.

“What’s it called?” Ted asks then. Remy sighs.

“Chronic fatigue syndrome, it’s right in the name, I’m always tired. It makes it hard to do stuff sometimes,” Remy grips the bar tight. It hurts his knuckles but he’s angry. It makes it so difficult to even move.

“Oh don’t listen to him,” His father interrupts, still smiling like he knows something the others don’t. Remy turns to look at him. Whatever sad expression is on his face goes ignored.

“He’s just saying all that fancy stuff so you’ll do his chores for him,” His mother also laughs, returning to the kitchen but not before winking at Remy like she knows his secret. That he’s really faking how he feels to get out of doing stuff. To have an excuse to not do anything. To be lazy.

As if the understanding bubble around them has exploded, Remy’s brothers all move and get up, going back to getting ready. Remy though, puts a hand to his head. His parents never believe him when he said he couldn’t do something because of how his body felt. He’s almost passed out at least three times because they forced him to do something he said he couldn’t. Then told him he was just being dramatic, just being lazy. 

Everything hurts.

“Hey Rem?” Remy slowly lifts his head to look at Tess peeking at him from over the edge of the couch.

“I’ll help you do the dishes later if you want,” Tess whispers in case their parents are listening. Remy offers him a small smile, lifting his hand to place on Tess’s head in a show of affection. Tess giggles and runs off. Remy takes a deep breath, and forces himself to stand. 

He debates putting away the granola bar, but Patton would get mad at him if he didn’t at least try. In the end, he stands in the middle of his living room trying to get his feet to move. He almost falls when his dad pats him on his back.

“You done daydreaming there? If you hurry the boys can probably give you a ride to school.” The man puffs up his chest proudly and walks off to get ready for his own work. Remy watches him go and shakes his head. Hurry. He wishes he could.

He grabs his back pack, though not without much effort to lift it to his shoulder, and leaves the house. His brothers are still messing around trying to get seated. As soon as they spot him, whoever sat in the front passenger seat hops out, giving it to him silently. He grimaces as he gets inside the car, body aching more than it usually does. Today, is not a good day.

The ride to school is uneventful, his brothers all rushing about campus to their classes and friends with no hindrance. Remy takes his time, feet dragging. He doesn’t want to sit in the uncomfortable school chairs that make his back ache and head spin. He doesn’t want to do this anymore.

“Hey Rem?” Remy lets out a huff, looking over at Tucker. Tucker twists his hands together.

“Are you lying to us? When you say you’re always tired?” He asks not unkindly though judging the possible answer already. Remy offers him a half smile.

“There’s no reason for me to lie to you about this.” Tucker twists up his nose at that.

“Then why do mom and dad tell us not to believe you?” Always the quickest to anger. Remy just shrugs.

“They don’t think what I feel is real. They just want to blame me being lazy.”

“You are lazy.”

“Maybe I am.” And with that Remy takes a decided step away from his brother, one that twists his foot and makes him cringe. Every step aches the rest of him, every step seems to add another weight on his shoulders. 

Some days are better than others. Some days he can walk and not feel like death will come for him every other step. Some days moving around and talking and existing don’t hurt as bad. But today, he’s overexerted every ounce of energy and it’s not even noon. It hurts, and there’s nothing he can do to stop it.

–

School ends and Remy feels like crying. Every muscles aches and every joint wants him to stop. He has school work to do and he can’t even comprehend the energy to think about doing it. His brothers don’t talk to him on the way home, stuck in their own conversations, though he can tell they look at him every so often in concern.

They run out of the car with no care, Remy doesn’t have the luxury, the car door heavy in his hand. It’s frustrating. It’s not that difficult to move, but he has so much trouble just pushing the door to get himself out of the car. Everything is so difficult and he can’t do anything. He nearly falls out of the car once it’s open enough and ignores Job’s worried look to just get inside and sit down.

The couch is his first option so it’s the one he takes. His backpack thunks to the floor by his feet and he lets his body fall, to be lifeless for a moment, anything, anything to help relieve the tension that pulls him end to end. For a while it works.

“Hey chores times!” His mom shouts from somewhere in the house. A bustle of commotion follows, each kid running and rummaging about for what they need to complete their chores. They pass by him, talking and making obnoxious noise to each other. It takes effort, way more effort than it does anyone else, for Remy to stand back up again. He feels like collapsing when he does.

He makes his way to the kitchen, staring down at the sink and the pile of dishes inside. It’s a big family, there’s a lot of dishes. It’s overwhelming. Remy knows, he knows, it’s not actually a lot. He knows it should be easy. Turn the water on, grab the soapy sponge, wash the dishes. Yet it’s so difficult to do.

His hand misses the first two times trying to turn the water on. It doesn’t matter though. He organizes the plates and bowls slowly, one at a time. It’s all he can handle right now. Once the water is warm enough, he soaps up the sponge, the simple piece of squishy material feeling way too heavy in his hand.

Washing takes even more power. Holding the dish feels like a nightmare and his muscles want to give up, tell him to drop it all. He wants to, and he hates that he can’t do more, hates that he can’t just get through it the pain. But he can’t. He’s too weak, too much in pain, too lazy.

There’s a gentle hand on his arm, light and easy though it still makes him flinch. Tess is smiling softly at him, taking the dish from his hands and letting him drop the sponge. Remy clings to the edge of the sink, trying to hold himself up right.

“Thank you,” His words barely hold any noise but Tess nods to show he heard and Remy lets himself fall. He drops to the ground, leaning up against the cabinets as his brother continues to do the dishes for him. It somehow makes the pain worse. He should be able to do the dishes by himself, he shouldn’t be making his brother do his chores for him, he’s the oldest, he should be watching out for them not the other way around.

He can’t though. He can’t move. His body is done for the day, ready to give up. He couldn’t eat at lunch, the act of chewing too much for his jaw to handle, so he’s starving. Going to bed will be difficult too as the pain will keep him awake longer. He just wants to sleep, and the worst part is he knows that won’t make it better.

“Oh don’t do the dishes for him Tess, Remy can do them himself,” His mother says. Remy looks at her, wondering if she can see how much he’s in pain. She can’t, she just looks at him with a knowing smile, and yet disappointment in her eyes.

“I just wanted to help out..” Tess mumbles, slowly putting the soaped up dishes down.

“Thanks Tess,” Remy mutters, grabbing the counter to haul himself up. It makes his arms twinge. He’s standing at the sink again, wanting to fall down again, only this time it’s him and his mother in the kitchen.

“Honestly Rem you can’t be making your brothers do your work for you,” She chides. Remy can’t breathe.

“He offered to help,” He tells her. She sighs and shakes her head.

“You need to tell him no, you can do this on your own. It doesn’t matter if you’re tired, you can still work.”

“What if I can’t?” He snaps without meaning to. The day is stressful and it’s getting to him. His mom sighs in annoyance.

“Really Remanuel, again with this?” Why does it hurt so much? Why can’t the pain just stop?

“This thing you’ve made up is getting old, enough of it.” She tells him in a final tone, and walks off, grumbling to herself. Remy clings to the sink. He can’t do it. He can’t do it.

He can feel his brothers watching from behind a corner, listening in on the conversation. What does it matter if they don’t believe him? He’s not making it up. He knows what he’s feeling is real. Why won’t they believe him?

He ignores the dishes, pulling out his phone from his pocket. He places it on the counter and swipes his finger over the top.

Remy!!!!!!: Can you get me i cant be here

Pattoncake: On my way!!!!!!

He feels like crying. The dishes are a daunting task, but he needs to do them. He says nothing as Tess comes back into the kitchen with Ted and Tate too, taking the clean dishes and drying them off to put them away, his other brothers keeping watch in case his parents come back into the room.

“See I knew you could do it if you just tried!” His mom says with a bright smile once she finds the dishes are done. Remy doesn’t smile at her, doesn’t look at her. Instead he walks outside to wait for Patton to pick him up and take him to a place that won’t tell him he’s doing it for attention, that he just needs to get over it, that he’s doing it because he’s lazy.

Patton gets there soon enough, jumping out of his car and rushing over. Remy falls into his arms, thankful Patton catches him. He’s carried to the car and for the first time it feels like he’s a little less exhausted than before. He looks out the window to his brothers, watching from the living room window. He gives them a small smile, letting the window fade as he’s driven away.

He’s aching and exhausted. For just a day he wishes it would stop. But there’s no cure for this, and all he can do, is be tired.

–

Is there something you’re curious about? Don’t hesitate to send in an ask and find out~ Any questions about the boys and their lives will be answered with fic!

I hope I portrayed CFS properly, if I didn't please tell me.

–

Tag list:

@aliferous-ly @a-heartbroken-patton @wildhorsewolf @a-time-traveling-whovian @atomicljamm92 @shadowjag @ihateitwhenyourejustvague  @fangirlfiles1 @snowcherri @sanders-s1des-blog @invsiblegay @the-fandoms-are-takin-over @dailyvirgildrabbles @misty-the-mysterious@echomist13 @everyday-emo-stuff @ashbosmer @a-fander-named-skittles @satanblessi @56-snakes-in-a-trenchcoat @inan-sanders @blocksavage1776 @black-king-white-knight @sleepyssnail

[bluesmoth]

MBMBAM!Sanders Sides AU

Just as a warning, MBMBAM (the actual My Brother, My Brother and Me podcast) is NSFW and includes swearing, sexual humor and goofy boys bein' goofy.

You know me, back at it with the human AUs

The Boys(TM) start a podcast called My Boyfriend, My Boyfriend and Me, a comedy "advice podcast" for the modren era ("Patton, I believe the correct pronunciation of the word is 'modern',") featuring Older Boyfriend!Patton, Middlest Boyfriend!Logan, and Babyest Boyfriend and 30-under-30 Media Luminary!Roman, with Editor Boyfriend!Virgil

Virgil didn't want to be on the actual podcast because thats a scary idea, but he agreed to edit for them

They almost don't get Logan to be on the show, as he found it a waste of time, but they begged him and he eventually settled into the role and really started to enjoy it

The first couple episodes... aren't great? Patton and Roman are maybe trying too hard and Logan isnt really... trying at all, but they get some good bits in and everyone eventually genuinely gets into it, and it becomes less of a "we're all separate entities trying to be funny except that one guy in the middle who isn't" and more of a "we're a comedy unit. Yes and!"

Logan's best goofs may not be frequent, but they are so memorable, as he's saying this fucking hilarious/insane line in the most monotone voice and it gives the audience comedy whiplash. You can not tell me that Travis' Mango Cult speech isn't something Logan would do in the most serious voice, and when he finally finishes the others are speechless and there's a beat of silence and then Roman says, "Hey, hey Logan?" "Yes?" "What the fuuUUUuuuck was that?????" While Patton is holding his head in his hands like, "I can't believe Logan just started a mango cult. Is this actually happening."

Roman comes up with the best segments (ex. Munch Squad) and he just drops them on the others. No warning beforehand. It's spontaneous but the audience enjoys it both because the segments themselves are funny and because the confusion and fear you can hear in Logan and Patton's voices are palpable whenever he springs something new on them.

Patton is the best at escalating goofs to new heights, adding in some insane yet absolutely hilarious addition to the bit and it's amazing how good he is at it.

Patton tries not to swear as much as the others but it still happens, there's a "Swear Jar" that Virgil himself is running for every time Patton swears, and Patton is embarrassed every single time because he Knows that the episode will pause and Virgil will keep the counter a goin'; "Shit, Roman!!" *laughing pauses* "Aaaand that's number... swear number fourty-five, folks!" *laughing continues*

There's probably a Swear Jar compilation out there to commemorate the show's anniversary at some point.

When Virgil does his first edit goof everyone is like "who is that?? What was that??" And when one of em' answers over twitter people lose their shit bc "there's anOTHER ONE???"

Virgil is content in his role as editor, it feels way more lowkey but he does edit in post sometimes and adds onto jokes if he's feeling brave enough. Virgil may be running the Swear Jar but there's a Virgil Sightings list out there somewhere.

One time he was sleep deprived and editing (despite the fact that his three other boyfriends told him that he should go to bed) and in a burst of insomniatic courage he narrated an entire episode like a nature documentary. It was amazing. A tshirt was made.

They start to actually really gain traction, tbh, and they have their first live show, which they actually convince Virgil to be apart of. Everyone is very excited!! Virgil is deathly afraid.

It goes well, though, and he's on the live shows now. He still isn't on any of the regular episodes, because the live shows are spaced out and he uses all of his energy up in those and he can't really do that on a regular basis, which makes people sad but Roman Patton and Logan are way more concerned with Virgil being comfortable than making their audience happy. They love their fans, of course, but they love each other more and would do anything for each other.

If they can manage to both make Logan and Virgil laugh at a bit, they know it's gonna be a great one.

Logan, of course, isn't serious all of the time, and it's great when he gets excited on the show bc it's adorable and also great.

Of course, if you've got MBMBAM Sides, you've gotta get... TAZ Sides. The Sides running a DND podcast. Roman's the DM. Virgil's there, too, because they really actually needed another player or it wouldn't work, and at this point he's more comfortable with being on the podcast bc it's way farther along (like three years) after they started MBMBAM, though he still won't be on MBMBAM.

I'm not gonna put a TAZ AU on here bc frankly that's too long but I will make another one for it? Maybe??

But yeah. McElroy Sides.