#I’m probably slightly misquoting the exchange—just wrote it from memory

[throwthewine]

Something I’m never going to stop thinking about is that enigmatic exchange between John and Paul in 1969 in the lunchroom (after George quits) that goes like:

John: It’s like how I would be like, “Do you like me??” to you—I always sorta played that one.

Paul: …Yeah. Yeah, I’m aware.

John: Sure, right.

Paul: I’ve been watching… I’ve been watching the picture.

Idk, I feel like it speaks to the levels of insecurity and anxiety on both ends of the relationship. Familiar mistrust maybe.

For some context, in the same conversation, John talks about “maneuvering” and “playing games” with people, how he’s been trying in recent years to stop, and how he’s been aware of himself doing that since childhood (unlike Paul, who seems to think he’s been doing so unwittingly (making John and especially George doubt themselves in composing and let Paul lead) although John seems to doubt this, since, as he says, he’s always been highly aware of the tendency in himself).

I think it’s a kinda wild thing John just throws out there, like “I play games with your affection” (but why? for Paul’s affection actually? Or ulterior motives? Or both?) and Paul tries to play it cool (“you can’t manipulate me, because I know what you’re doing”) and then John tries to play it cool about that (“sure, fine, the game is played on multiple levels”). Meanwhile Yoko is sitting there with them, clearly picking up on these insane vibes and just goes, “Back to the topic of George! What are we going to do about George?”

And this is just a few hours after the insane exchange where John looks at Paul and says, “When I touch you, I feel happy inside. Ask me why, I’ll say I love you,” and Paul says, “What you need is a schedule.” Is John trying to take it back? Create plausible deniability by suggesting it’s a strategic play? Or on a deeper level is itself another bid for Paul’s affection, asking him again if he cares by reminding him that he’s asked this before? Is it just a simple confession? (I think it probably actually is mostly that. But I’m not sure that’s how Paul takes it?)

What does John even mean by “do you like me?” Like, back in the time he’s referencing. Was it about guilting Paul into validating John, testing Paul’s commitment to their friendship and getting him to side with him or do things for him for that? Teasing Paul about liking him too much or in the wrong way? For what, to make Paul nervous or throw him off?

And on Paul’s end, how nerve wracking would this be? Wouldn’t he wonder what John is really doing, what John’s feelings really are or how much he means anything? It’s so interesting to me that his first impulse in response to it is to try to save face (and not question, or anything else). Are both of these exchanges typical and have they characterized years of their relationship?