#I’m waiting for nobody to pick 12 days of Christmas /j

[halfhissandwich]

For science.

[blackmuzak8484]

nortey dowuona’s best of 2020

to be completely honest, I decided to do this entirely for TSJ. otherwise, I wouldn’t have bothered at all. Best end lists are for music nerds and billboard chart nerds and industry vultures, and i happen to be subscribed, in the discord and in the comments of the youtube vids of these folk. so, i decided to pick 10 out of random from the big best of 2020 i was compiling for the whole of the year, which I was gonna post to this Tumblr at the end of the damn year, but I guess I can just post the link to the playlist in the bottom of this post. Here, i’m gonna write about 10 songs I personally love, and pick out a few artists i specifically loved:

artist of the year.

RAP Ferreira put out his best album and best verses in a year everybody either stagnated, fell off or got rendered irrelevant by the world at large. He was ebullient, hilarious, thoughtful and even surprisingly honest. I enjoyed the fact that now he’s begun to create a real platform for many talented folx, and I hope he continues to do that in the margins and make even more beautiful music in the years to come.

rookie of the year.

Enny by a mile. Everybody else who debuted this year got hamstrung by the pandemic but she created 3 great songs, each thoughtful, insightful and a joy. Apparently she just started publicly releasing music to a large audience, and I hope she gets better and better, and even gets bigger than J-

most pleasant surprise.

Vic Mensa’s V Tape. An artist who I though had no more moves left completely turned around his whole career with a fantastic performance at Lollapalooza, a fantastic fleet of features and tis gorgeously produced EP which had some of his most brilliant songs on it. I love it all, Vic Mensah is well and truly back. Welcome back bro. (ALSO, DROP THE DRILL TRACK.)

GREAT THING A GHANAIAN ARTIST DID.

Strongman Burner, Amarae, Okunta Kinte, Vic Mensah in general.

cool things my friends and classmates did.

Justine Darcenne’s #4TheBaeless. Valencia Rae’s Siren thyhomebodies’s Coming of Age. (Phil, a producer in the group, made his own studio!) Brad built his own computer. petit abri put a track on APT9 Record’s compiliation album Volume II. khaalid anderson’s transitions. (khaalid will also be performing at Beats & Brunch on January 23, 2021 at 11 am.) Yannick Paul’s Bear Fruit. The Big Climax’s This Is Ya Boy kxng jetson’s Waves (ft. Kokko Williams & Mike Mezzl) Nicole Gonzalez performed in The Composer’s Melody. Victoria Marie released a bunch of beaufiful covers on her Insta, @toriiii_marie @ph0ssy_jaw works as a counselor online. Pay her at her PayPal. Johnny Aperano Yoba was on People AND Vogue. Dalitso is a wonderful pianist at his church back home in Zambia. Kobina is a fantastic drummer at his church. Kayla graduated with a BS in Music Technology and Industry! Damian been cookin on his insta. Travis graduated! (Look out for Clan of Dragons.) Rorghino Flores made a documentary! Francis (and Animax FYB) put out Mmofra on AmaLexPrime! (play it with yo kids.) A Hype has been dropping crazy all year, roll by his SoundCloud and check out Persistence Of Memory. Reina H been doing great covers on her Insta, @challenges_inlife. Hannah placed music on C. B. S.

best albums of the year (that nobody’s written about).

Maya Huyana -1991 DaWeirdo - Broke and Ugly $ilkMoney - Attack of the Future Shocked, Flesh Covered, Meatbags of the 85 VI Seconds - Because Why Not/Never Knows Best Erik Cain - Heart & Soul Vol. 2 Dimitri & the Scarecrow - Messenger is Sender (from 2015, finally got released onto streaming this year, still pretty great and another great Zimbabwean rapper for us to all fawn over, just like billy woods) Flowking Stone - Gifted 1 The Hoodies - Incommunicado Jayy Grams - Every Gram Counts Domo Genesis/Mike and Keys - Just in Case1/2 Madwiz - God’s Gold Teeth Maez301 - Hasaan Daara J Family - Yaamatele Dai Burger - Dessert EP TeePhlow - Road To Phlowducation II Tef Poe/Blvck Spade - Preacher in the Trap Terrell Hines - Portal One: The Mixtape redveil - niagara Nyukyung - Trap Harmonix AdrianXpression - Sucka Deante Hitchcock - Better (Deluxe) maassai & jWords - ve.loc.i.ty tobe nwigwe - cincoriginals everything Kelsey Lu did this year.

strangest things happening in music in general.

vic mensah actually making a great record. goldlink going through a narcissistic collapse and winding up making the best music of his career. redveil blowing up off Fantano calling him wack. pharoahe monch finally making a rock pivot and it actually works. meet me@the garden coming 10 years too late for my 14 year old self. RAP Ferreira being in the NYTimes, selling a vinyl record for $72, creating an actual nostrum grocers in a video game so we can listen to his next record. The entirety of the playboi carti phenomenom. The entirety of the lil uzi vert phenomenom. The entirety of Chance’s instagram EP being far more money worthy then the entirety of the Big Day and yet being released on Insta and not immediately monetized. Deante Hitchcock releasing a great album and being completely forgotten armand hammer releasing their underground kings wayyy too early. my ass continually not actually looking into amapiano despite always loving it when I review it. several good songs needing to be tacked on to a prior youtube vid as an ad for me to find them instead of actually listening to the artists. santan dave still releasing good verses after he made his illmatic. (expect his new album to suck.) slowthai becoming cake. (we let that go way too far.) Guapdad and BfB Packman being wonderful. Finding out BfB PAckman is a better rapper than Sada Baby. John Boyega putting on Ego Ella May. Having to admit Young Dolph was good all this time and i missed out like a fool.

best tv performance.

Chance The Rapper’s “A Chi-Town Christmas.” IDK’s “Change The Channel.” Sa-Roc’s Tiny Desk Concert. Chika in general. Robert Glapser’s “This Changes Everything (ft. Denzel Curry).” SZA at the Roots Picnic. Sampa The Great at the Roots Picnic. RAP Ferreira in general. Umi’s “Introspection Live Show.” Alexa Esperanza’s cover of “Is It A Crime.” Bad Bunny in general. the jwords, nappy nina and MIKE performances at Satellite Syndicate

most embarrassing piece of music i love with all my heart

Logic’s No Pressure. In all sense of the words I should not love this album like I love my siblings but I do. It is beautiful.

best 10 songs of this year objectively

1 - RAP Ferriera - An Idea Is A Work Of Art (ft. Mike Ladd) [prod. by Kenny Segal, mr. carmack and Mike Parvizi]

I know, I know. In all honesty Doldrums should be here. Then Noz put it on his best list and I had to be all ChiTown Go-Getter and pick the next better thing: this. And in all honesty, it has the best lyric RAP spits on the album: “we build better answers.” But it’s not just that, it’s RAP’s most animated performance, the most dexterous piece on the whole album and the most gorgeous beat, a loping bassline sliding behind the flatfooted drum, allowing Mike Ladd, his musical father, to gently drift through, saying, “what if royalty depised us?” and knowing the only gold is soul and giving it to all of us, all us maggots and vultures and locusts and weevils, to hold to the light so we can finally see. On the quest to get open and free, we continue.

2 - Chika - U Should [prod. by Lido]

I heard this the night it dropped and shot 2 insta videos playacting as it played. But apart from that, it’s a intimate, beautiful song about getting to know a new lady love, so tenderly sung it might melt and disappear if not held gently, with a sweeping guitar lick and purring trumpets sliding all over the place, Chika softly holding each frayed piece together into a considered, gorgeous piece - wait, she’s talking her shit.

3 - Issa Gold - Boys Don’t Cry [prod. by Kingjet & Sherwyn and Matt Zara]

The only reason this isn’t number one is because it dropped on Christmas Eve. But otherwise, it’s a openheart letter to us all. “it’s a lonely path being different,” Issa says, swimming in the melted ice caps as he once danced happily on the edges of melting glaciers that failed to drown him, looking at the world that keeps hurting his heart, yet he still opens his eyes and smiles, and dances. The heavy drums are so bouncy the whole song suddenly flies, formerly a hidden murmur becoming a bright sunlit flight across the sky so we can all see. I can’t wait to see Tempus, if it’s anything as good as this was.

4 - Deante Hitchcock - Growing Up/Mother God [prod. by Brandon Phillips-Taylor]

In all honesty, “Growing Up” is really not the best song on Better. It’s a sweet, happy song with a smooth, crackling bassline with soft, ghostly synths, but still kinda ok. It’s the song added at the end, “Mother God”, that has warm, sizzling piano chords and gorgeous singing in the back. It’s one of the few time I’ve ever heard a man pay homage to the woman in his life and to the God above while being entirely sincere and not faking the funk. The way he praises his mom, his lady, remembering the women in his family taking care of him and him foolishly neglecting Breonna due to his overburdened mind feels full of details, remembrances, explanations and praises. Plus, it actually makes sense that God, if she exists (she does) is a woman since -

5 - Yana Perrault - whiskey and weed [prod. by slate]

Apparently, Yana Perrault is verified now. Excellent. {YES YES MY GOD YESS}, It means more folks know about how great this song, and Yana herself is. If I had any sense, I would’ve written up 12:21 as the best song of 2018, but such is life. Anyway, we have this smooth, bass heavy slinker with shimmering percussion and lumbering drums about hooking up with a former flame who’s “sober” yet keeps on calling Yana to break their sobriety, “know we ain’t talked in a while but you still know my address,” she wryly mentions. As the beat sprints away under a warm cocoon of accapella echoes, it mirrors a relationship so tenuous it might disappear into the wind. Yet still strong enough to have whiskey on call.

6 - Marlon Craft - Culture Sick Freestyle [prod. by Cormill]

Apparently this was supposed to be a shot at Flex. And since Flex is a woman beater and a lame, good for him. Shouldn’t have even gone on Flex to be honest, but then again neither should Jay Critch or Tyler or Black Thought and besides, I watch those freestyles too. And on the freestyle, Marlon frankly put things in perspective. “You don’t want us to better, you just want to be cool still.” This describes all of rap media to be real. And tellingly, it only has 310,000 views. Methinks nobody really wants real. But I do. Thank u Marlon, you continue to be the best white rapper alive. (Nowhere near the best rapper tho, and if Token hadn’t fell off -)

7 - Miah - Cascades [prod. by Cedes]

I’m sideeyeing the boy Miah cuz I had to search up his Audiomack to find the producer’s name (it’s Cedes, and they have a really great avalanche of Drake Type Beats is you like that kind of thing). Were you trying to trick folk into thinking you produced it yourself? You don’t need to do that shit. Especially since you’re writing stuff like “back in high school all my peers were tryin to hit the league / until the league too far from reach so they tap dancing over beats.” When you can frankly break down life that clearly, don’t be trying to hide producer’s names unless you actually learn to produce too. Plaster your name all over that shit.

8 - Justine Darcenne - Off Days [prod. by Mikhail Miller] / Enny - Peng Black Girls (ft. Amia Brave [prod. by Paya]

Justine is indeed my classmate, but that’s not why this song is here. it’s here because it’s a nice little guitar driven song with a spellbinding bridge that’s the best thing I’ve heard her do yet. And I’mma keep it short cuz I already wrote this up at the Singles Jukebox.

Enny released this soft, cushiony record with washed out synths over bulky drums and floated FLOATED over them without even trying to run in the tar, saying frankly, “He said to me, 'they put guns in the streets, that’s what they wanted for me.’ And I said, ‘G, someone can fix you a plate but no one can force you to eat.’” After all, why not try to live for something greater than what the world has expected you to be. And Amia sings, “We’re gon be alright, ok?” with the joy and excitement of someone realizing the words coming alive on their tongue. One of the best songs of this miserable year, and it’s kinda funny watching Jorja accidentally Drake out Amia and even Enny (and by funny I mean irritating.)

9 - Tobi Lou - okay (ft. Dreezy) [prod. by Matteo Woods & Dilip]

Fun fact: Dilip did some great songs with Otxhello, a producer who recorded and mixed 2 records on my first album. That again is not why this song is here. The warm, swinging synths and heavy, bouncy drums are why this is here. Oh, and Tobi’s goofy, silly lyrics and his surprisingly effective Missy Elliott tribute are great too. But obviously, the verse that vaulted this into top 10 was Dreezy, which opens with such a openhearted line, “i can’t help it, it’s too hard to say I’m sorry.” And every line is harder than the last, until she closes with “and I ain’t talkin frontals but we got the city sown up.” Absolutely amazing.

10 - Strongman Burner - Pilolo (ft. KelvynBoy) [prod. by Nixie]

The sweet, gooey synths are poured over the soft, zipping and smooth drums as the wiry bass whirls between Kelvyn’s soft, thin crooning as Stoneman tap dances over the drums, both desperate and defiant, trying to salvage a sinking relationship that he knows is already gathering coral and snappers. It’s the best afropop song of the year and yet it still has a Nigerian on it (well, I put 4 Nigerians on here, next year I’m rectifying that.) And they even did a song together last year , not as good as this. At all. (still pretty good tho.)

best 10 songs i love (but not enough to write full paragraphs for, I already put 10 in and this is already 5 goddamn pages)

11 - Logic - Heard ‘Em Say

best song on the project that isn’t Dadbod but at least it isn’t tempting fate.

12 - Deqn Sue - Creep

I already love this for having a gorgeous bridge, and is cute af. Yes Sue, you can creep.

13 - Quelle Chris & Chris Keys - Sudden Death/ka - i love {moms, mimi, kev}

QUELLE CHIS CAN SANG SANG./ka can heart heart write.

14 - IDK - Square Up (ft. Juicy J)

I don’t know why this is here either but this slaps regardless.

15 - Nappy Nina - Modestly (ft. Maassai)

Maassai is creating some of the best raps out here. so is Nappy Nina.

16 - Kehlani - Lexii’s Outro (ft. Lexii Ajaii)

Let’s celebrate our great rappers when they’re alive (and this includes me. Pls Chika, don’t win Best New Artist.)

17 - Samad Savage - Goodnight

What Travis Scott should’ve tried to be instead of what he is now. Samad still dope af regardless.

18 - Bad Bunny - Si Veo Tu Mama

The way Bad Bunny actually hits that last note makes me feel so excited and alive.

19 - Fat Tony - Back In The Saddle

I fucked up. But I’m getting back in the saddle, back in the saddle next year. NO NIGERIANS ALL NIGERIENS. #ENDSARS tho.

20 - Lady A - the truth is loud

Why am I the only one who has this on a best list? I have 34 bot followers. Vibe, step it up.

best of 2020 music right here folxs.

worst music things of the year:

The Pop Smoke album. Just in all areas. (Better win that Grammy tho.) Travis Scott in general. (So loud and empty and boring.) Big Sean’s Detroit 2. (why does this exist? Just put out Deep Reverence and Detroit Night Cypher and leave everything on the cutting room floor fo the next album.) Remembering all the great rappers who are dead or incarcerated. No Kendrick album (just leaks. Not good enough.) J. Cole and Noname beefing and Noname getting strung up by twitter. Jay Rock pushing being anti-vaccinations. The realization that Normani might never drop a single record ever again. Tory Lanez in general. Joyner Lucas making actually good songs and falling off almost immediately. Cardi B in general. Anything positive being said about steven Universe songs. Luzamity shipping (until it’s canon please stop! Willuz is RIGHT THERE!)

[tb5-heavenward]

Harvard!Christmas - 3

Part 1 // Part 2 //

I hope you didn’t expect this to stay cute and cheerful. this is harvard, fam. i have a reputation to consider.

It's not the kitten who wakes him in the morning, but the pounding of a fist against his front door.

It's an unpleasant thing to wake up to, because it doesn't register immediately as what's woken him, and for the first few moments he doesn't connect the sound to its source. There's just a loud pounding noise and he has no idea what it is---until he does. John sits bolt upright and then scrambles out of bed, stumbling down the hallway from his bedroom and to the front door of the apartment, where he fumbles to unlock the door, without stopping to check who's there.

And he opens the door to find the building manager, yet again, only this time all the cordiality has disappeared from his manner, and his expression is taut and tense with disapproval. John's first thought is that somehow (probably owing to the few pounds of sand he'd stolen for a makeshift litterbox) the contraband kitten has been discovered, and he's being evicted, but instead the manager just holds out his phone. There's no "merry Christmas" this time, nor even a "good morning". The man's voice is flat with exaggerated patience as he says, "Your father's on the line. Apparently you haven't been picking up your phone."

The irritation of the man standing in front of him is paltry compared to the towering disapproval of the man on the other end of the line. John's only about a minute out of bed, and he's as disheveled as he ever is, still bleary-eyed from sleep and with his hair tousled and his pajamas rumpled, and in any other situation he'd be embarrassed to be caught like this in front of a semi-stranger---but the capacity for any emotion more complex than sheer horror has vanished. When the building manager gestures insistently with his phone, John's reaction is automatic and he takes it---but there's a wild moment of panic in which he wants nothing more than to throw it down the hallway, slam the door and bolt it, and then walk briskly across his apartment and straight off his fourth story balcony.

Instead he holds it up and hears the disconnected faintness of his own voice as he says, "Hello?"

"John. We've been worried about you."

Just the sound of his father's voice---separate entirely from his tone and what he's said---is enough to make John want to fall through the floor. He feels like some part of himself has detached and departed, because he can hear himself answer, but can't comprehend how he's able to say anything at all, "---I'm sorry. I-I got home really late, I just wanted to go to bed. I just---I forgot to turn my phone back on."

"This kind of irresponsibility is something I count on you not to demonstrate, John."

"I'm sorry. Dad, I---"

"When you called me yesterday, I didn't form the impression that I was the only person who'd been told you were heading back to Boston. No one else knew where you'd gone. You'd been missing for hours with no word to your brothers, to my mother---by the time I got home, they were getting ready to start calling hospitals. And no further word from you until now? Because I contacted your landlord, on Christmas morning?"

John feels himself cringe, and distantly notices the way that the building manager is staring at him, watching the half of the conversation that he's privy to. He should probably be at least vaguely horrified by this, but he can't even bring himself to properly register the man's continued presence. All that matters is his father's voice on the line, his expectant silence as he waits for an explanation. There's no point in trying to justify himself, all he can do is stammer out another useless apology, "I'm sorry."

This isn't what his father wants. "I'm not especially interested in your apology, John. But later today you will be calling your grandmother, to tell her how sorry you are for frightening her, and your little brother, who held out hope that you would be back by Christmas morning. I don't know when I've ever been so disappointed in your behaviour. I expect much, much better from you."

That's always been true, and John's always known that it's true, but hearing it stated when he knows he's failed to meet that expectation makes him want to die. "Yes, sir."

"Apologize to your building manager for the trouble you've put him to on Christmas Day. Charge your phone. I'd better hear that you've spoken to your brothers and your grandmother before the end of today. Goodbye."

It's abrupt, but maybe that's merciful, really. John plummets back into the present and manages not to break down in the hallway in front of his building manager. He hands the man's phone back, uncomfortably conscious of the way he's being looked at, the way the man's irritation has melted into something like pity. "I'm very sorry for the intrusion," John says, and can't even manage to wish that he sounded sincere, instead of just hollow and perfunctory, as though he's only apologizing because he's been told to. He wonders if the other half of the conversation had been audible at all, in the way that phone conversations sometimes are. He hopes not.

"Honest mistake," the manager says quickly, and then briefly, impulsively, pats John's shoulder. "Glad there was nothing wrong. I think it's just that you gave your family a bit of a scare, is all. But it all worked out. Merry Christmas."

"Same to you," John answers numbly, and then closes the door.

His phone waits where he left it, in the pocket of his discarded coat, over by the radiator.

[19 missed calls]

Scott

[24/12/2055 06:38:02 Scott: hey jaybird, where'd you go?]

[24/12/2055 06:38:41 Scott: al says you probably went to cool off some place, you maybe wanna let me know where?]

[24/12/2055 07:02:20 Scott: virgil's dealing with gordon]

[24/12/2055 07:05:13 Scott: I'm sorry about gordon, he wasn't supposed to fly out on his own. he was supposed to show up with dad to keep him in line.]

[24/12/2055 08:12:29 Scott: look i know you're mad but don't do this shit johnny, it's christmas]

[24/12/2055 08:41:48 Scott: John seriously. Pick up your phone.]

[24/12/2055 09:30:58 Scott: Dad is gonna be landing at the airport in an hour John, I do not want to tell him that we can't fucking find you.]

[24/12/2055 09:35:17 Scott: if you've crashed your stupid rental car into a ditch on some stupid backroad john I'm personally gonna haul you out and kick your ass the whole way back home]

[24/12/2055 09:36:11 Scott: I didn't mean that. Sorry. Please just pick your phone up.]

[24/12/2055 09:59:01 Scott: okay well we're gonna start calling the hospitals/highway patrol/the fucking cops in a minute here john, so if you're just being an ass now would be a real good time to fucking quit it]

[24/12/2055 10:25:31 Scott: okay. talked to dad. he's furious, by the way. so that's fun. thanks for that. sometimes I literally just cannot fucking believe you. merry goddamn christmas, John.]

Virgil

[24/12/2055 06:20:52 Virgil: okay, i'm really really sorry about Gordon. he was supposed to fly in with dad. I'm not going to make any excuses. He's way out of line.]

[24/12/2055 06:21:04 Virgil: if you've gone for a drive because you need some time to cool off that's fine, but don't do anything stupid like turn your phone off, okay?]

[24/12/2055 06:21:43 Virgil: like I know you do that when you're pissed and you have every right to be pissed but we live in the middle of nowhere and the roads aren't great out here and everybody would feel better if you kept your phone on.]

[24/12/2055 06:34:49 Virgil: also please text me back.]

[24/12/2055 07:46:18 Virgil: John, you've been gone for an hour and a half and nobody knows where. Grandma's really worried.]

[24/12/2055 07:46:31 Virgil: if you make my Grandma cry on Christmas Eve, J, then you and me are gonna have a problem]

[24/12/2055 08:50:18 Virgil: look john, if you're reading these, then at least acll Alan, he's freaking out. you're actually scaring the shit out of him. the poor kid pretty much worships you and you go and pull something like this. at christmas. come the fuck on johnny.]

[24/12/2055 09:15:27 Virgil: okay. your phone is off.]

[24/12/2055 09:42:53 Virgil: I mean at this point I think Scott's actually hoping that you're upside down in a ditch somewhere because if you're ignoring texts and calls like this, he's legitimately gonna kick your ass until you die.]

[24/12/2055 10:01:45 Virgil: we've gotta call dad. like, this is the warning. i think we've been kinda covering for you in case this is just a stupid tantrum, but it's been three hours now john. please just answer somebody.]

[24/12/2055 10:02:04 Virgil: if something's happened to you then we need to start doing something, and dad literally has enough pull to have the entire county searched from orbit.]

[24/12/2055 10:02:24 Virgil: I don't know if you realize how scary this actually is.]

[24/12/2055 10:45:08 Virgil: Okay. so, you've just left the fucking state. you're not dead. when dad gets ahold of you you're maybe gonna wish you were. but i guess I'm trying to be glad you're okay.

[24/12/2055 11:21:38 Virgil: all right well whenever you get this. Probably when you get back to Boston. I don't know what to tell you, other than that I can't actually decide if I'm madder at you or at gordon. you've both been total fucking jackasses and this shit can't continue. you're as bad as each other. I don't think we've had a christmas this bad since Mom died.]

[24/12/2055 11:22:01 Virgil: maybe think about that.]

Alan

[24/12/2055 06:44:19 Alan: gordon's super drunk and he's being really really dumb. virg and scotty are gonna cover for him but they shouldn't. i totally don't blame you for leaving. i wish i could leave too.]

[24/12/2055 07:01:36 Alan: when you come back we should go hang out in the barn. one of the barn cats had kittens over the summer and they're all still around]

[24/12/2055 07:01:44 Alan: they're cute]

[24/12/2055 07:28:53 Alan: scotty took the truck to go look for you, but i think that's probably kind of stupid. it's dark and the roads are pretty bad.]

[24/12/2055 08:02:14 Alan: virgil put gordon to bed and told me to tell dad he has food poisoning. stupid gordon.]

[24/12/2055 08:21:45 Alan: I think grandma's kind of upset.]

[24/12/2055 09:07:19 Alan: did you see the geminids this year? it was too cloudy here, but i checked the weather near Boston and it was supposed to be clear]

[24/12/2055 09:12:32 Alan: i guess it's hard to get out to anywhere with dark enough skies if you don't have a car]

[24/12/2055 09:33:41 Alan: do you miss driving? i'm excited to learn. Grandma let's me back the truck out sometimes. virg said he'd teach me when I'm old enough.]

[24/12/2055 10:01:27 Alan: are you gonna be home soon? everybody's kind of worried.]

[24/12/2055 10:40:49 Alan: dad says you had to go back to Boston for school stuff. I guess it was important.]

[25/12/2055 12:01:02 Alan: merry christmas, johnny]

John turns his phone off again.

[plainjanejenniferhunt]

The JJHCP

Now it’s time to tell you about what happened at the first ever JJHCP which any guests had come to!

It was Christmas morning. The table was set. The Christmas salad was ready. Moai and Woofer had their party hats on. The Christmas tree was down, because Moai and Woofer had apparently pulled it over the night before in a team effort, just to spite me, but that didn’t matter because I could easily put it back up again before the party guests arrived. Now I just had to wait for that all-important knock at the door.

After I had put the tree back up and pulled all my embarrassing hand-painted football pictures off the walls, I opened my one Christmas present (from the staff secret Santa). I was pleasantly surprised to find a hamper of goodies - a lettuce, a bumper box of eggs, and some hair gel. Better than last year’s gift - a novelty children’s height poster to hang on the wall and see how many centimetres you grow each month. Needless to say, despite measuring myself every single month, I haven’t grown all year. If anything, I’ve got shorter.

At 12:30 - half an hour late - I heard Mr. Brown’s car pull up in my drive. Fantastic! I threw open my door and shouted “Welcome to the Jane-Jennifer Hunt Christmas Party” as loud as I possibly could.  Mr. Brown and his two sons reluctantly stepped out of the car. I handed them their Christmas presents - I had knitted them each a hat. Unfortunately those hats were the first things I’ve ever attempted to knit, and they look more like flat circles, but it’s the thought that counts.

“Hi, Jane-Jennifer”, began Mr. Brown. “Unfortunately, I’ve got some bad news. Adam got a crossword book for Christmas, and he’s spent the whole car journey screaming because he had to leave it behind, without finishing the crossword he was doing. You see, he gets very upset if he can’t finish a crossword. I’ll have to take him home to finish the crossword before we can come to your house. But John can stay with you.”

And before I had time to protest, Mr. Brown and Adam had got back in the car and driven off, and I was left with a scowling John (that’s Tyson, to me and you). For about five minutes, I stood there making short, high-pitched noises of disbelief, with Tyson staring at me, looking fairly embarrassed.

In the end, I gave in, and invited Tyson into my house. I sat him down at the table, and ran into the kitchen to get the Christmas salad. I dumped a load of it onto his plate, as I’m sure he likes to eat a lot. But when I gave it to him, he wasn’t impressed.

“Salad?” he cried. “Who eats salad for Christmas dinner? I specifically ordered fries.”

The expression on his face was very angry, and nobody likes to make Tyson Gay angry, so I quickly went back into the kitchen to try and find some fries. The closest thing I could find was the eggs I had just been given for Christmas, so I knocked up a fried egg. But when I presented Tyson with it, his temper went from bad to worse.

“Don’t you know what fries are, you silly woman?” he screamed. “I’ll show you what fries are!”

He stormed into my kitchen to find some fries, despite me trying to tell him that I don’t have any. And as he searched the fridge-freezer, he inevitably couldn’t find them. All he could find was some veg and my bumper box of eggs.

“I told you there were no fries!” I said, triumphantly. But I shouldn’t have done that, because what followed was a Tyson tantrum - something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. He picked up the bumper box of eggs, and ran round the house, screaming and throwing eggs at the walls. He threw some at me, too. There was nothing I could do to stop the terrible boy.

Still, in an attempt to rekindle the Christmas spirit, I ran down to the emergency grocery, and bought some fries for Tyson. I quickly cooked them, and he soon calmed down. We sat down to eat. The dining room was now covered in egg stains, as was the rest of the house, but I tried not to let it bother me.

We ate most of the meal in silence, as I couldn’t think of anything to talk about and Tyson was playing on his phone, but just as we were finishing, I remembered one of my favourite topics of conversation. I ran over to my CD stand and brought my only two CDs over to Tyson.

“Which d’you think is better, ATB or Adam Watkiss?”, I asked him. “I’ve been trying to figure it out my whole life, but I can never decide.”

Tyson shrugged, and said he'd never heard of either, but he would choose ATB as Adam is his brother’s name and he doesn’t like his brother. That wasn’t a very helpful answer.

After the meal, it was time for the party game. I had invented it specifically as a mechanism to make Mr. Brown kiss me under the mistletoe, but that was all in vain now. Still, it was the only game I had so I would have to play it with Tyson.

“Hey, Tyson! I’ve got a party game. It’s called Rocking Around Jane-Jennifer Hunt. Want to play?”

“No”, he replied.

“Well, it’s my house and my rules, so you have to. I stand by the Christmas tree, and you have to dance round me as I sing the Christmas song. If the music stops while you’re in front of my face, you have to kiss me under the mistletoe.”

(This game would have worked had Mr. Brown been playing, because I would have stopped singing only when Mr. Brown was in front of me.)

“That sounds the worst game ever, but I’ll play it as long as you don't stop singing when I’m in front of your face”, said Tyson, miserably.

We got into our positions, and I started singing the Christmas song.

“Rocking around Jane-Jennifer Hunt, At the J-J-H-C-P, Mistletoe hung above my head, Will Mr Brown have to kiss me? Rocking around Jane-Jennifer Hunt, Is the best party game in town, Later we’ll have some Christmas salad, How d’you like that, Mr Brown?”

(These lyrics would have worked better had Mr. Brown been present.)

Before I knew it, I had stopped singing, as I had run out of words. Tyson had been dawdling around me in a circle, and, just by chance, was right in front of my face at this point.

“Ok Tyson, rules are rules, and this means you have to kiss me!” I ordered.

“Not in a million years”, replied Tyson.

“Kiss me or you’ll have to write one thousand lines when we’re back at school!” I blurted out, but I shouldn’t have done this, because what followed was Tyson’s second tantrum of the day. He started pulling branches off the Christmas tree and throwing them all over the place, all around the house. Pieces of tree were stuck to the egg stains on the walls. The floor was covered with needles. I couldn’t walk anywhere because it would hurt too much. In desperation, I grabbed Tyson’s phone, which he had left near the chair I had retired to. I phoned someone called ‘Dad’, who I assumed was Mr. Brown.  

When he finally picked up, I shouted “Come and get your son” down the line about 50 times, not giving Mr. Brown a chance to speak. Thankfully he obliged, and in about half an hour, he arrived to pick Tyson up. He also told me that Adam still hadn't finished his crossword. I couldn’t care less at that moment, because I was more concerned with cleaning up the house. A task that I would later discover would take me a month.

Still, I’d reckon this was the best JJHCP I’ve ever had! Fingers crossed for next year.