#I’ve been big into linocut art lately | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

nicolebright-artcontext · 4 years

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Art analysis essay

It has taken me a long time to find my art style and find the processes and techniques that really work for me. My art style is very abstract, bold, interpretive, colourful, simple and unrealistic so for me, lino printing is the way for me to showcase my work in the best possible way, as everything can be cut out very simple and geometric. I really like that lino prints can be as simple as one colour as an image, or one colour on a coloured background you have created yourself but can also be done in layers allowing you to add in many colours and create something very interesting. There are always chances to add in more detail to create realistic pieces based on your personal preference, I also like how quickly lino prints can be made and how many you can make in such a short time. Therefore, in this essay I will be talking about lino cut prints and printmakers who use lino cut in their work.

Lino printing is a creative process where you carve or cut and image into a sheet of lino, you then get an ink of your choosing and roll it onto the block the image is carved onto, ready to then place paper on top using pressure, creating an image. After doing some research into the history of lino printing , I’ve learned that lino was first invented around the 1800s and was used by amateur printers as it was much cheaper to get and as it’s a very soft material it was much easier to create an image than in much tougher materials such as wood and metal. Lino prints became much more recognised and used around the 20th century, with German expressionists and Russian constructivist movements. It really took off in the UK when the school of modern art opened in London around 1925, the process was being taught there in classes to inspiring young artists encouraging them to use it in their artwork, the held a lino print exhibition in 1929 (Boarding All Rows, 2020). Lino printing was used massively by Pablo Picasso in the late 1950s, he enjoyed the process as it was good for graphic style posters. It was also known he enjoyed how simple the lino prints could be, with the blocks of colour and shape creating a series of interesting images, he managed to advance the process hugely by printing different layers in different colours (Great North Art Show, 2021)

Pablo Picasso

This is a lino print done by Pablo Picasso in the 1960s, called Portrait de Jacqueline au chapeau de paille (Artnet Auctions, 2020). Upon first looking at this image there is a clear face of a person which makes up the piece, I like this image as it’s not just a simple print of a face. The face is made up of different coloured thick lines, that seem to be quite rounded giving it more of a face like structure but still very distorted. He has left the background as one solid colour which allows very little distraction from the face itself which I think is much better to look at. I feel like there is a strong expression conveyed on the face, it to me looks like an intense stare with also distress. I believe this as one eye on the left side of the face has been made bold, thick and wide open looking intense and almost shocked , whereas the eye on the right hand side of the face has been done half open with curved out lines which to me indicate distress or discomfort. Picasso has also chosen to use an orangey red down the centre of the face and not anywhere else, possibly indicating the face may be split in half. I feel overall this piece has a very strange mood to it, it’s giving off elements of stress with the expression and it looks although the lines are imitating items being stacked up on top of the figure. This shows an element of suspense and although they may fall and ruin the face, which could link to the expression, the tension and chance that the stacked items may fall at any given moment. I generally really like this piece its very abstract and bold, Picasso has given lots of different parts to look at and interpret which I really enjoy when looking at any art.

Lil Tschudi.

This is a lino print by Lil Tschudi called fixing the wire, 1932 (The Museum of Modern Art, 2021). In this piece there are two figures, they are very geometric and slightly abstract. Although the figures are a big part of the piece, they are both off to either side whereas the what seems to be an electricity tower is centred, implying that this was the intended focal point. It also stands much taller than both figures, again drawing you towards that before anything else in the piece. I feel although the general tone of the piece is very calm, seems although it’s a bright day with a clear blue sky and if this was real life both figures would be whistling along to a simple tune, getting their work done, with the slight interference from tweeting birds. The colours used are all different variations of blue some dark tones and some lighter tones, with the slight addition of greys. I feel like the colours used are a little boring to look at but do work with the piece and contribute to the all round calm and relaxing mood the piece gives off. Another thing I noticed about this piece is the way it fits the paper. It doesn’t fill the whole page and goes off towards the right-hand side of the page, I feel this adds a little mystery to the image and implies that there are possibly buildings surrounding the figures or other objects. Which could also indicate that there very high up, possibly changing the mood of the piece entirely, as that could imply the blues weren’t used for calm and relaxing and actually changing the blue tones to sadness, depressed, loss and although something bad has happened or may happen.

Holly Meade

This is a lino print by Holly Meade called Laundry day prayer flag, 2009 (The Pollock-Krasner Foundation, 2021). I really love this image for many reasons, for one; on first glace I can determine that there isn’t a centred focal point your eyes just dart all over the piece trying to take in all parts of this amazing piece, which isn’t usually what happens in pieces of art. I can see there is a figure off to the left hand side that looks to be putting up the laundry, she has placed the figure under an almost transparent sheet, implying that the figure could possibly be what she intended you to really look at first after looking into it more. The colours used in the print are very simplistic and true to real life, which I feel fits well as the image itself as it’s not very realistic at all, its very flowy and free, giving the all round mood of the piece to be very summery, happy, fresh and almost childlike. All the laundry is also blowing in one direction, towards the right side of the image, implying this was a warm summer day with a strong breeze, another thing that your eyes instantly look at. There are trees placed into the corners of either side which also look although they are blowing int the wind and the lines aren’t realistic and look almost wavy, contributing to the childlike feel. There are yellow circles painted onto the sky also which I think could be the sun, but to keep with her unrealistic block style she has added in multiple, possibly indicating this was the sun rising and setting through the day. Although the figure spent their entire day outside enjoying and taking in their surroundings that is nature, which continues to give a very fresh and free energy to the image.

All the prints I have chosen to write about are all very abstract and unrealistic pieces, that all use bold shapes and are hard to figure out by just looking at them you have to really look and see what is going on and why which I really find interesting about artwork. I feel although their artwork shows lino printing as creative and expressional, allowing it to truly reflect my work and why I love this process over all the other ones to create prints with. I take inspiration from all art I see but some more than others, I enjoy Picassos strong lines and the bold but subdued colours he has used. I love the simplicity of Lil Tschudis piece and still with the geometric and not fully realistic shapes and figures she has created. Finally, I love the childlike feel to Holly Meads work and the freeness it gives you when you look at her images, with the unrealistic and abstract look to it but still real enough to understand her image.

Bibliography

Artnet Auction (2020) Artnet Auctions Presents: This 1960’s Picasso Linocut Played a Key Role in the Artist’s Long History of Printmaking, Online Available at: https://news.artnet.com/partner-content/artnet-auctions-presents-1960s-linocut-pablo-picasso[Accessed: 13/3/21]

Boarding All Rows (2020) The History of Lino Printing and its Artists, Online Available at: https://www.boardingrows.com/history-of-lino-printing-and-famous-linocut-artists[Accessed: 13/3/21]

Great North Art Show (2021) The History and Process of Linocut Print: From Paupers to Picasso, Online Available at: https://greatnorthartshow.co.uk/the-history-and-process-of-linocut-print-from-paupers-to-picasso[Accessed: 14/3/21]

The Museum of Modern Art (2021) Lill Tschudi Swiss, 1911-2004, Online Available at: https://www.moma.org/artists/5954[Accessed: 14/3/21]

The Pollock-Krasner Foundation (2021) Holly Meade, Online Available at: https://www.pkf-imagecollection.org/artist/Holly_Meade/works/7545[Accessed: 14/3/21]

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iesorno · 4 years

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Anxious Comics – issue 3 page 4

I first saw Daniel Bristow-Bailey’s work when he offered up free copies of his prose zine Dog. I ordered it on the strength of the cover, Dog handwritten above a very detailed drawing of a frog. It made me laugh, there was something oddly significant in that juxtaposition, couldn’t tell you why, but there was. Shortly after that he started his Anxious Comics series, which is a fast paced, underground influenced mash series that has a lot of nonsense and yet some very powerful moments. It’s daft, but also on point and so, exactly what I enjoy.

He’s an eclectic creator and has a set of skills that make his work pop.

You can find him here

shop

Use the discount code ZINELOVE10 for a 10% discount on anything you buy. Valid until the end of 2020.

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Screaming page 2

Can you tell us a bit about the first creator whose work you recognised?

It would have been someone from 2000AD. I remember being very excited by Kevin O’Neill’s run on Nemesis and Simon Bisley’s painted artwork for Sláine. If I look at Bisley’s stuff now I find it hard to get past the grotesque anatomy, but as with people like Todd MacFarlane in the US he pushed past his technical limitations with a raw energy that appealed to adolescent boys. I don’t mean that as snootily as it sounds! Adolescent boys can be fierce critics.

Kev O’Neill – Nemesis the Warlock

Simon Bisley – Slaine

Which creators do you remember first copying?

My mum, who should get most of the credit for teaching me to draw, always strongly discouraged me from copying directly, but I came pretty close to it with Moebius! He always makes it look so (deceptively) easy that it’s hard not to have a go oneself.

Moebius – Edena

Who was the creator that you first thought ‘I’m going to be as good as you!’?

That’s an interesting question. Probably Gilbert Shelton. I started reading the Freak Brothers when I was far too young (got to thank my mum again for that) and that “underground” style with lots of fine linework and cross-hatching seemed to be achievable with the materials I had at home. I think the Shelton influence still shows in my black-and-white stuff.

Gilbert Shelton – Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers

Which creator or creators do you currently find most inspiring?

In terms of comics, I’ve recently discovered Al Columbia. I can’t remember the last time I found an artist who really disturbed me like his stuff does. Even the more restrained stuff has an evil, haunted quality. The book I’ve got (Pim and Francie, Fantagraphics, 2009) feels like a cursed object, like the Necronomicon in Lovecraft’s stories, or the video cassette in the Ring. It’s a great example of text, illustration and book design all working together.

Al Columbia – Pim and Francie

Nabokov – Pale fire – Gingko Press edition

I’ve been reading a lot of Nabokov. He’s one of those writers I keep coming back to. Sometimes I like to think about how you could do a graphic novel of “Pale Fire”. The first half of the book is a very long poem, written by one fictitious character, and the second half is a collection of footnotes to the poem, written by a second fictitious character, who has stolen the manuscript and is preparing an unauthorised edition of the poem. As the notes digress further and further from the text of the poem, another narrative emerges, that may or may not be “true”, so it would probably be impossible to do a graphic novel adaptation, but thinking about how one might do impossible things is often creatively rewarding.

Which creators do you most often think about?

David Lynch – Twin Peaks

Aside from the people I’ve mentioned already, I think a lot about David Lynch. I’ve always liked his stuff but Twin Peaks: The Return (2017) absolutely blew me away. There were points I was watching that when I thought “I didn’t know you could do that with television”. I think whenever a work expands your ideas about what’s possible within a particular medium you know you’re in the presence of real Art with a capital A. I love the sense of mystery in Lynch’s stuff, which I think comes from his letting the subconscious take the lead in the creative process – he talks a lot about using ideas or imagery from dreams, or meditation. It’s a process I’ve consciously been emulating with “Anxious Comics”.

Anxious Comics – issue 3 page 4

Can you name the first three creative peers that come into your head and tell a little bit about why?

Gareth Hopkins, because I’ve just finished doing a page for his “no new ideas” project. It was great fun getting to paint over a copy of one of his pages. Gareth posts a lot of his process online and I’ve found it inspiring how he reworks and recycles stuff. His work has definitely encouraged me to veer more towards abstraction, and not to be afraid, in comics, of decoupling the text from the image – I think he was a big influence on my one-shot “the Screaming”.

Gareth Brookes. I’ve not talked to Gareth much about process but he seems drawn to ridiculously labour-intensive media, like embroidery or linocuts. As if making comics wasn’t hard enough already! But as I said before, there’s nothing like setting yourself an impossible challenge to get the creative juices flowing. Also, when I look at the spread of stuff he’s got for sale at conventions – a mix of self-published zines and two or three big hardback books published more traditionally, I think it’s where I’d like to be myself in a few years’ time, so I guess he’s kind of a role model for me right now.

Hannah Lee Miller

Hannah Lee Miller is producing some lovely stuff. I picked up a copy of her zine about condiments at Catford Zine Fair and it’s one of those things that initially seems rather slight and inconsequential but is actually really, really good, it just doesn’t shout about it. Also, Hannah is, in my limited experience, infallibly enthusiastic about other comic / zine people and always ready to help out or lend support where it’s needed. An asset to the scene.

Finally, can you tell us a bit about your recent work and yourself?

For a long time I tried to be self-disciplined and only work on one thing at once, but recently I’ve come to accept that I’m happier when I have several projects, preferably in different media, on the go at once.

The last thing I self-published was “The Screaming”, an experimental one-shot comic about dreams and mental health. I wrote about it in some detail for Broken Frontier.

Screaming page 8

I’ve got five pages in the upcoming anthology by Obsolete Comics. I’m really excited about this one as it looks like it’s going to be great, and hopefully represents the start of another small comics press. We can never have enough small comics presses.

I’ve also got Anxious Comics, my ongoing series – four issues out to date and the fifth long overdue! My long-term plan with that, if you can call it that, is to keep it going between other projects for as long as it needs to, or until I get bored. At some point it would be nice to do a collected edition.

I’m currently drawing a comic written by Steve Thompson, which he’ll be pitching to publishers soon I think. I like drawing other people’s scripts because it forces me to draw stuff I otherwise wouldn’t think of.

Looking to the longer term, I’m working on a script for a longer-form comic. It’s kind of a superhero thing. But not quite. I’ve got this character who’s kind of my own take on the super-violent costumed vigilantes like the Punisher and Deadpool that were popular when I was a kid, but transplanted to the “real world” of early-noughties London. It’s pretty bleak. I think it’s funny myself but as with some other stuff I’ve self-published in the past it will probably cause people to express concern for my mental health.

Gareth – Hunt Begins – work in progess

Bio: Daniel Bristow-Bailey was born in London in 1978. Growing up during the “dark age” of mainstream comics, he quickly became attracted to the alternative / indie scene and, encouraged by his mum and the bloke in the local comic shop, started drawing his own from an early age. Like many others, he drifted away from comics in his late teens, put off by their uncool image and lack of seriousness compared to grown-up art and literature, but came back to them in recent years as he realised that no-one was going to think he was cool or take him seriously anyway. As well as making his own comics, he draws other people’s scripts and sometimes writes prose fiction. He has a day job working as a mental health person in schools. He lives in Richmond with his wife and two children.

Thank you very much for taking the time to fill this out and let us into your mind.

Gerald – work in progress

all art copyright and trademark it’s respective owners.

content copyright iestyn pettigrew 2020

Small (press) oaks – Daniel Bristow-Bailey @bristowbailey details who influenced him (tl:dr mostly his mum!) in our latest look creator's influences #smalloaks #comics #zines #inetrviews #zinelove I first saw Daniel Bristow-Bailey's work when he offered up free copies of his prose zine Dog.

#comics #horror #interview #smallpress #zines

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adambstingus · 6 years

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44 Girls Reveal The Most Insane Thing A Guy Ever Did To Impress Them

Found on AskReddit.

1. He gave me a little box of chocolates, but he’d already eaten half of them.

When we were dating my husband bought a little box of chocolates ‘for me,’ but had already eaten half of them because he wanted to try them, too. I still make fun of him for it.

2. He showed me his tattoos of various My Little Ponies.

Showing me his tattoos of various My Little Ponies. He was so excited to show me, he thought I was going to be blown away by it.

3. He told me he hung up my picture so he could see it while in the shower and he was masturbating to it.

I met a guy via online dating. We went to dinner. He was telling me how much he loved one of my photos on the site. So much, he said, he hung it up so he could see it while in the shower and he was masturbating to it.

4. Why? Is your nose bigger than your dick?

I once had a guy message me and his opening line was, ‘Hey, wanna sit on my face?’

I responded with ‘Why? Is your nose bigger than your dick?’

He blocked me after that.

5. He called me his number-one girlout of seven.

I dated this guy for like, a week in junior college. Still very much in the ‘getting to know you’ stage. It became really obvious early on he was one of those guys that try to put you down so you’ll think you’re lucky he’s even talking to you but I’d just answer every subtle insult with a ‘…K.’

We were hanging out and he says something like, ‘You’re my number-one girl.’ Kind of a weird thing to say at this point in the game, all right. I jokingly said, ‘Oh yeah? Out of how many?’ He makes this big show out of counting on his fingers and pretends to try remembering all the names in his binders full of women before he says, ‘Seven.’ I was like, ‘Haha, OK, well, I don’t think I could compete with seven. Good luck with that,’ and stopped taking his calls.

6. He told me he masturbated to me but had never been able to finish.

He told me he masturbated to me. And then when I was uncomfortable he tried to make it better by telling me he had never been able to finish to me.

7. He told me he could rip a phone book in half, so I gave him one.

One time a guy I worked with tried to impress me by telling me he could rip a phone book in half with ease. On my production of a phone book, he proceeded to repeatedly attempt to rip it in half to the point of shaking and sweating. He couldn’t. The second-hand embarrassment was real.

8. He lifted his shirt up and said, ‘Look how little body hair I have.’

I had a guy come up to me at a bar, lift his shirt up, and say, ‘Look how little body hair I have.’ Granted he was super-drunk, but I just walked away.

9. He gave me a frozen, severed alligator foot.

I was a project manager at a consulting company. We hired a very odd fellow by the name of Rod. One day Rod and I were discussing a local Asian supermarket. This is possibly the second time we ever spoke; he did not end up working at the company for very long after.

Me: ‘Yeah, they have a lot unusual stuff there!’ Rod: ‘They even have alligator meat for sale.’ Me, in the most disinterested tone: ‘Yeah, how about that.’ End of conversation.

Weeks go by, and Rod announces he will be leaving the company to start a new position. He comes by my office to say goodbye. I notice he’s holding something in a plastic bag behind his back, trying to hold back a grin.

Me: ‘Best of luck, man.’ Rod: ‘I got you a going-away present.’ I think this is odd, so I say, ‘But I’m not leaving.’

Rod hands me whatever is wrapped in the plastic bag. I start to wonder if it’s something he has removed from his body. I unravel the plastic and notice a fishy smell. It’s a severed, frozen alligator foot, with claws still in tact. From the Asian Supermarket.

Rod: ‘See! You didn’t believe me when I said they had alligator meat!’

tl;dr Guy once gave me a frozen, severed alligator foot.

10. Two words: dick pics.

Two words: dick pics.

11. A guy carved my name into his arm once.

A guy carved my name into his arm once. I don’t have a very short name.

12. ‘Your face is like a tomatothe skin is all smooth and soft. Can I touch your skin?’

1) ‘You are so beautiful. Your face is like a tomatothe skin is all smooth and soft. Can I touch your skin? No? Oh, well can I paint you then? I want to give you a camera so you can take photos of yourself and see how beautiful you are.’ Random guy on a bus.

2) Set up on a date once. Date arrives 2 hours late (don’t ask me why I was still hanging around), proceeds to tell me he needs to buy some new jeans. We go to a store, he tries on the jeans and decides he likes them. We queue. At the checkout he looks over at me and says, ‘Oh shit, I’ve forgotten my wallet in the car. Would you mind paying?’

I paid.

3) ‘Your face is round like a football’said whilst drunk off his face and scaling a bridge (over not-so-troubled water).

13. He said, ‘Mmm, your blood is sweet’ and went on to tell me it was the sweetest he’d ever tasted.

I was in an art class with a guy and we were doing linocut printmaking. You have to use this really sharp implement to carve your image and my teacher reminded us daily to keep our hands out of the way. Of course, I managed to gouge my fingers. This guy grabs my hand and sticks my bleeding fingers in his mouth. After he released me, he said, ‘Mmm, your blood is sweet’ and went on to tell me it was the sweetest he’d ever tasted.

14. He once sent me a video of him ejaculating and pointing out how copious it was.

This guy once sent me a video of him ejaculating and pointing out how copious it was. We were taking a fitness class together and I’d never even talked to him much.

15. I just stared at him as one would stare at a pet who just shit on the rug.

We were in the middle of the club dance floor and he just walked up to me, pulled out his phone, and showed me the video from his Facebook of him doing a leg press in a gym. I just stared at him as one would stare at a pet who just shit on the rug.

16. He offered me half-price on weed if I had sex with him.

’Sooo…I can give you this at half-price if you want to stay over.’

I backed out of the room laughing. No, Tim, I’m fine with paying full price for a quarter-oz. of weed. I really don’t want hepatitis.

17. He just takes his dick out and starts jackin’ it.

Oh man, my wife’s best friend has a good one, but I don’t know if she is on here and it’s pretty difficult to not mention.

So she goes on this date with a dude who looked like a model. Gorgeous would be the word I may have heard.

Anyway, they go on this date. They get in her car, and he just takes his dick out and starts jackin’ it. She’s like, ‘What the fuck are you doing?’ and he just looks at her like a magician trying to ‘wow’ her. She doesn’t give anyway, though, and she’s pretty pissed. He gets upset and utters this phenomenal phrase, ‘Pfftyou’re just like the others.’

Which means that he has done this before! There is some good-looking dude who just goes on dates and jacks off in their car and wonders why no one likes him.

18. His military dog tags said ‘Made in China.’

This guy tried to impress me at a bar by telling me how he worked in the military. He had that kind of braggy attitude that makes people uncomfortable. Telling me how he’s trained to kill and knows how to use SO many weapons, and fly this and drive that, and knows hand-to-hand combat. I mean I don’t know anyone in the military, so who was I to say that some people didn’t behave like that? But it seemed so showy. He then ‘accidentally’ dropped his dog tags on the ground. Which also seemed weird. Who brings their dog tags to a bar, and also aren’t you supposed to wear them? Anyways, I was quicker to picking them up, he made a big deal about me looking at them, saying I wasn’t even supposed to touch them, as I was handing them back it clearly said ‘Made in China’ stamped on the back.

19. He told me that he didn’t normally date ‘Russian chicks’ (I have blonde hair, so OBVIOUSLY I’m Russian).

After bringing me every type of soda from the school vending machine (despite being told numerous times that I can’t drink soda), he pulled up a song on his phone and blasted it on full volume. He told me of how he understood the Japanese lyrics and the romance they held because love was a language spoken through raw emotions and could be understood by all. And of course, how the song represented our love. It was pretty cringeworthy.

Oh yeah, and he also told me that he didn’t normally date ‘Russian chicks’ (I have blonde hair, so OBVIOUSLY I’m Russian) because they are so strong and tough that they overwhelm his manliness. But I was ‘an artistic goddess’ who could set him free.

These are just the highlights. He did this stuff every day on the bus for an entire semester.

20. He read entire pages from a book written in Latin over a dinner date in a thick Italian accent.

Reading entire pages from a book written in Latin over a dinner date in a thick Italian accent because ‘that’s the way it most likely sounded,’ without translating anything, until I was about ready to fall asleep. I wrote off all classics majors after that date.

21. He asked me to his prom when I was 10 by buying me a candy bar.

Had a guy ask me to his prom. I was 10 and had never met him before. He asked me by buying me a candy bar while I was waiting for my mom to check out in the grocery store.

I was creeped-out. My mom thought it was hilarious.

22. I told him over and over again that I don��t like my feet touched, but he wouldn’t relent.

On our first date, about ten minutes in he told me that everyone always said that he gave the best foot massages and asked if I wanted one. I told him over and over again that I don’t like my feet touched, but he wouldn’t relent, so I finally said fine. Cue what feels like him literally trying to break my foot. Ended up with bruises.

23. One day he brought in his daughter (who was probably 6) and introduced me to the daughter as ‘mommy.’

When I was 18 waiting tables a much older man used to come in and sit in my section a lot. One day he brought in his daughter (who was probably 6) and introduced me to the daughter as ‘mommy.’ He told me he knew I was the ‘commitment type’ and said he said I was worth ‘the best thing he had to offer.’ It was cringeworthy.

He had been coming in for about a month before it got to this level of what-the-fuckness. When it happened I freaked out in the kitchen about it but kept my cool in front of him and didn’t say anything about it. Although the next time he came in he brought his mother and introduced me as his girlfriend and I lost it. I grabbed my manager and he kicked him out. The creepiest part about it was that he worked in a medical federal prison. I never saw him again, although I did run into his mother at Walmart about a month ago and it was very uncomfortable.

24. He would tell me stories of generally being a dick and following up with ‘I know I’m an asshole, but at least I’m honest, right?

It’s a tie between the guy that would tell me stories of generally being a dick and following up with ‘I know I’m an asshole, but at least I’m honest, right?’ and the guy that told me the story of how he drove the only girl out of his WoW guild by getting everyone to refer to her as a talking vagina (but she totally deserved it because she had a high-pitched voice).

25. He revved his engine and proceeded to take a sharp turn too fast and ditched his bike.

I was walking with a couple of my girlfriends when a guy on a motorcycle passed us. As he drove by, he revved his engine and proceeded to take a sharp turn too fast and ditched his bike.

He took off his helmet as he stood up and brushed himself off, picked up his bike, then he put his helmet back on. Only he tried to put his helmet on backward at first.

My friends and I are not mean-spirited, so we managed to keep a straight face until he drove away, then we laughed our asses off. Poor guy.

26. He came by every day to ask if I was ‘legal’ yet.

I was 14 and working at a coffee stand on an army base. A soldier came in and started hitting on me, not realizing how old I was. I told him my age and expected that he would give me an awkward apology and walk away… Instead, he told me that I was lying. It took some of my regulars coming in and convincing him that I was really 14. Instead of awkwardly apologizing and going away, he came by every day to ask if I was ‘legal’ yet.

Let me tell you, nothing says flattering quite like a creepy older guy who plans to basically stalk you at work for the next four years until you turn 18…

27. He texted me every hour or so every day for almost a month.

He texted me every hour or so every day for almost a month, then asked me out over text. When I declined he said something along the lines of, ‘Well it doesn’t have to be a “date date,” we could go as friends and see if anything happens. See, I can be accommodating!’

-.-

After another month of this I made a Google voice account and told him I changed my number. It’s been almost 3 years and I get texts/phone calls on that number.

Anyways he ended up dating my friend, flirted with me incessantly, cheated on her with multiple girls (not me), the two broke up, he asked me out again, then nearly got arrested for threatening to beat up a few kids. But hey, he’s super accommodating!

28. Cue me walking away and trying unsuccessfully not to laugh.

Let me tell you about Heelys guy!

I’m at my university, waiting for the crosswalk to change, when out of the corner of my eye I notice this guy walking towards my location from the other side of the intersection. He has a skater helmet on (not clipped, just kind of hanging there 2cool4safety) and is skidding on, of course, Heelys. He stops about a foot from me and just…stares.

Me: Umm, can I help you?

HG: Yeah, you can stop raping me with your eyes.

Me: alrighty then.

HG: Also you can give me your number.

Me: Yeah, that’s not happening.

At this point the crosswalk signal changed and I started to walk away. HG, who had just been staring at me (red-eyed, most definitely high out of his mind at noon on a Monday), then grabs the back of a scooter and is heelying across the intersection to follow me. When he gets to the end of the intersection, he lets go of the moped (as the driver is yelling at him) and And he falls on the ground. And his helmet rolls away because it wasn’t clipped on.

Me: Are you okay?

HG: NO CAUSE YOU REJECTED ME.

Cue me walking away and trying unsuccessfully not to laugh.

29. He fell with an inaudible cry in between the two buildings (about 12-15 feet).

In college, I lived in an apartment building that was extremely close to an old original building on the block where my friend lived. He and I were just friends at the time, but I knew he was interested. I had just been out riding my bike and was walking my bike up the steps to the stoop in front of our doorway. There was about a 7-10 foot gap between our stoop and the porch of this old building. Unbeknownst to me, my friend was (in his mind) cleverly trying to sneak up on me, Spider-Man style by nimbly jumping from the porch to our stoop while I got out my keys. However, his plan went awry, and he fell with an inaudible cry in between the two buildings (about 12-15 feet). I casually entered my apartment with my bike as usual. Two minutes later, I hear a knock. I see my friend, battered knees and elbows, looking rather sheepish. I’m confused and concerned, then he tells me what happened, in front of my roommates (all mutual friends), and we DIE laughing! Poor guy. Of course, we bandage him up and give him a beer for his troubles. LOL.

30. Catcalled me every day on my jogging route for a week.

Catcalled me every day on my jogging route for a week. Creepy as fuck. After the second or third day, I was like, ‘I’m not going to let some lout intimidate me away from my favorite route!’ So I kept going, but I drew the line when he actually tried to grope me. Now I go in the complete opposite direction. Pisses me the fuck off.

I know that avoiding the guy was a bad idea because then he could potentially hurt others, and I regret not doing anything. But given my age, stature, etc. at the time, I wasn’t in any position to physically fight back without endangering myself. I was also afraid of the guy following me home/harming me even more, so I got the fuck away as soon as I could.

31. A guy had a journal that was filled with poems about me, pages of ‘I love you’ written over and over.

A guy had a journal that was filled with poems about me, pages of ‘I love you’ written over and over, stories in excruciating detail of how we’d spend the rest of our lives together and he even had drawn pictures of what our children would look like. Every page was dated. This man wrote in it EVERY DAY for a year. I had no idea about it until he gave it to me for my birthday.

32. ‘Do you feel bad enough for me to give me your number?’

I was working and this kid that had been hitting on me all day came back and tried to hop onto the tips of his skis. (Using his poles to prop himself up?) Even though the move was supposed to drop my pants, he totally ate shit the noise was unmistakable. I hear a smack, him expressing his pain and then, ‘You didn’t see that, right?…Do you feel bad enough for me to give me your number?’

33. Dude pulls out the full-size metal rose that he’s cut and welded by himself and painted up all fancy.

I was dating a guy in first-year university (he was a fair bit older than me) and I mostly saw him evenings and weekends. He was a metalworker and worked long days, etc.

Things weren’t moving in the direction I wanted them to be going (read: him acknowledging me as his real girlfriend/actually officially dating)it spawned a lot of petty arguments.

I ended up breaking up with him and going back to his place the next day to get my stuff. He goes, ‘Oh, I made you this for Valentine’s Day but hadn’t given it to you’dude pulls out the full-size metal rose that he’s cut and welded by himself and painted up all fancy.

The breakup happened in

Dude panicked and tried to pull out some romantic gesture after realizing I was leaving.

I took the rose and I left. It sits on my desk and I look at it every day.

Spoils of war.

34. He faked having a girlfriend.

Faking having a girlfriend. If anything, it made me like him even less (which I didn’t think was possible).

35. For about 10 minutes. I was dying of second-hand humiliation for him.

I was at a bar with some friends and a moderately decent-looking guy starts to chat me up. He starts to talk to me about how smart he is and how he turned down a scientific master’s position at [nearby university] to work at a biotech startup. Interested, I ask about what the startup does, etc. Just being polite and making conversation.

It turns out he works at a clinic that does Alzheimer’s disease evaluations…doing intake paperwork. After unsuccessfully trying to change the subject to spare him embarrassment, he asks me what I know about Alzheimer’s. (Of course) before I answer he steamrolls me to tell me in copious (incorrect) detail about the disease. For about 10 minutes. I was dying of second-hand humiliation for him. He then finally asks what I do…

I’m approximately halfway through a Ph.D. program in which I examine molecular mechanisms underlying Alzheimer’s disease.

At this point I ask if he wants to leave. He does.

36. I don’t care how fast, loud, or how flashy your car is, you’re fucking annoying.

Any guy that tried to impress me with the type of car they drove. I don’t care how fast, loud, or how flashy your car is, you’re fucking annoying.”

37. ‘I’ve always wanted to have 4 kids. I have 3 now. I’ve always known you would give me #4.’

I had an old high-school friend find me on Facebook and pm me ‘I’ve always wanted to have 4 kids. I have 3 now. I’ve always known you would give me #4.’

38. After being told, ‘Do not talk to me again’ and 3 months of no contact, I’m clearly SUPER into him.

By bombarding me with texts nonstop and asking me out in the most pathetic way. He’d never do anything in person, just make awkward small talk, and the second we went our separate ways I’d get a text asking me to dinner. After making it very clear that I did not want to date him (straight up said, ‘I am not interested in dating you”), he’d try and convince me that I was flirting with him all the time.

Oh yeah, because clearly I have no idea what my own intentions are and need somebody else to explain them to me.

Even after flat-out telling him, ‘I am not interested in dating you,’ he’d ask ‘But, like, what does that really mean?’ Oh gee buddy, I mean it really sounds open-ended. After about a month of him trying to ask me out and me telling him, ‘I AM NOT INTERESTED IN DATING YOU,’ I told him to stop texting me and to not talk to me in class. And he did, until 3 months later. That’s when I get an essay-long text, telling me I’m perfect and ‘not fake like other girls’ and that he hates everybody but he doesn’t hate me and blah blah blah and ends the text with ‘[First Name Last Name], will you do me the honor of being your boyfriend? Or we can just be friends that’s cool too.’ Because after being told, ‘Do not talk to me again’ and 3 months of no contact, I’m clearly SUPER into him.

39. He immediately starts talking about how much money he makes, his life’s luxuries, his recent purchases.

Whenever I meet a guy, go on a date with him or just have a conversation with him and he immediately starts talking about how much money he makes, his life’s luxuries, his recent purchases, etc. that to me, is the saddest most annoying thing that guy can do and by no means the right way to impress me.

Guys acting like that tells me two things: 1) You think so vague and so superficially of me, that you think that impresses me; 2) You think so little of yourself and your character, that you use materialistic items to try and get girls, and that is a complete TURNOFF.

40. Librathe LION.

I was at a bar once, and a fellow tried hitting on me by asking, ‘What’s your sign?’ After laughing, then feeling bad (because he was completely serious), I answered the question.

‘I’m a Libra.’

‘Ooohhhhh, the LION!’ he exclaimed.

‘No….. the Scales….’ I respond.

‘Ah…I’m usually better at this. Sorry,’ was his reply, as I smile and leave with my drink.

41. He told me he was a Saudi prince and offered me a million dollars to have sex with him.

I was a waitress in a restaurant. A Middle Eastern guy told me he was a Saudi prince and offered me a million dollars to have sex with him. I found this to be creepy, and likely bullshit, therefore I said no.

I still occasionally wonder whether he was telling the truth, because honestly if he was, the answer would’ve been, ‘Let’s go.’

42. A guy tried to rap for me.

A guy tried to rap for me. I have nothing against rapping and I like rap music, but it was to HIS OWN previously recorded rap that he put on his iPhone.

No music, nothing. Just him yelling into his phone. And he didn’t even know the words!! To his own rap!!!

43. He tried to light two cigarettes at once.

My SO tried to light two cigarettes at once on our second date.

The wind kept snuffing out the flame. With two cigarettes still in his mouth he said, ‘Impressing you one failure at a time.’

His attempt to impress me didn’t work, but I thought he was cute so I kept him.

We no longer smoke.

44. I told him he should probably go back to DC.

Told me the only reason he hadn’t asked me out yet was because I seemed like I had a man back at home taking care of me, asked me out anyway, and when I said no, proceeded to tell me that ‘if you were living in DC you’d be all over me. I got hundreds of numbers when I was in DC.’

I told him he should probably go back to DC.

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/44-girls-reveal-the-most-insane-thing-a-guy-ever-did-to-impress-them/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/174840700042

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allofbeercom · 6 years

Text

44 Girls Reveal The Most Insane Thing A Guy Ever Did To Impress Them

Found on AskReddit.

1. He gave me a little box of chocolates, but he’d already eaten half of them.

When we were dating my husband bought a little box of chocolates ‘for me,’ but had already eaten half of them because he wanted to try them, too. I still make fun of him for it.

2. He showed me his tattoos of various My Little Ponies.

Showing me his tattoos of various My Little Ponies. He was so excited to show me, he thought I was going to be blown away by it.

3. He told me he hung up my picture so he could see it while in the shower and he was masturbating to it.

4. Why? Is your nose bigger than your dick?

I once had a guy message me and his opening line was, ‘Hey, wanna sit on my face?’

I responded with ‘Why? Is your nose bigger than your dick?’

He blocked me after that.

5. He called me his number-one girlout of seven.

6. He told me he masturbated to me but had never been able to finish.

He told me he masturbated to me. And then when I was uncomfortable he tried to make it better by telling me he had never been able to finish to me.

7. He told me he could rip a phone book in half, so I gave him one.

8. He lifted his shirt up and said, ‘Look how little body hair I have.’

I had a guy come up to me at a bar, lift his shirt up, and say, ‘Look how little body hair I have.’ Granted he was super-drunk, but I just walked away.

9. He gave me a frozen, severed alligator foot.

Me: ‘Yeah, they have a lot unusual stuff there!’ Rod: ‘They even have alligator meat for sale.’ Me, in the most disinterested tone: ‘Yeah, how about that.’ End of conversation.

Me: ‘Best of luck, man.’ Rod: ‘I got you a going-away present.’ I think this is odd, so I say, ‘But I’m not leaving.’

Rod: ‘See! You didn’t believe me when I said they had alligator meat!’

tl;dr Guy once gave me a frozen, severed alligator foot.

10. Two words: dick pics.

Two words: dick pics.

11. A guy carved my name into his arm once.

A guy carved my name into his arm once. I don’t have a very short name.

12. ‘Your face is like a tomatothe skin is all smooth and soft. Can I touch your skin?’

I paid.

3) ‘Your face is round like a football’said whilst drunk off his face and scaling a bridge (over not-so-troubled water).

13. He said, ‘Mmm, your blood is sweet’ and went on to tell me it was the sweetest he’d ever tasted.

14. He once sent me a video of him ejaculating and pointing out how copious it was.

This guy once sent me a video of him ejaculating and pointing out how copious it was. We were taking a fitness class together and I’d never even talked to him much.

15. I just stared at him as one would stare at a pet who just shit on the rug.

16. He offered me half-price on weed if I had sex with him.

’Sooo…I can give you this at half-price if you want to stay over.’

I backed out of the room laughing. No, Tim, I’m fine with paying full price for a quarter-oz. of weed. I really don’t want hepatitis.

17. He just takes his dick out and starts jackin’ it.

Oh man, my wife’s best friend has a good one, but I don’t know if she is on here and it’s pretty difficult to not mention.

So she goes on this date with a dude who looked like a model. Gorgeous would be the word I may have heard.

Which means that he has done this before! There is some good-looking dude who just goes on dates and jacks off in their car and wonders why no one likes him.

18. His military dog tags said ‘Made in China.’

19. He told me that he didn’t normally date ‘Russian chicks’ (I have blonde hair, so OBVIOUSLY I’m Russian).

These are just the highlights. He did this stuff every day on the bus for an entire semester.

20. He read entire pages from a book written in Latin over a dinner date in a thick Italian accent.

21. He asked me to his prom when I was 10 by buying me a candy bar.

Had a guy ask me to his prom. I was 10 and had never met him before. He asked me by buying me a candy bar while I was waiting for my mom to check out in the grocery store.

I was creeped-out. My mom thought it was hilarious.

22. I told him over and over again that I don’t like my feet touched, but he wouldn’t relent.

23. One day he brought in his daughter (who was probably 6) and introduced me to the daughter as ‘mommy.’

24. He would tell me stories of generally being a dick and following up with ‘I know I’m an asshole, but at least I’m honest, right?

25. He revved his engine and proceeded to take a sharp turn too fast and ditched his bike.

I was walking with a couple of my girlfriends when a guy on a motorcycle passed us. As he drove by, he revved his engine and proceeded to take a sharp turn too fast and ditched his bike.

He took off his helmet as he stood up and brushed himself off, picked up his bike, then he put his helmet back on. Only he tried to put his helmet on backward at first.

My friends and I are not mean-spirited, so we managed to keep a straight face until he drove away, then we laughed our asses off. Poor guy.

26. He came by every day to ask if I was ‘legal’ yet.

Let me tell you, nothing says flattering quite like a creepy older guy who plans to basically stalk you at work for the next four years until you turn 18…

27. He texted me every hour or so every day for almost a month.

-.-

After another month of this I made a Google voice account and told him I changed my number. It’s been almost 3 years and I get texts/phone calls on that number.

28. Cue me walking away and trying unsuccessfully not to laugh.

Let me tell you about Heelys guy!

Me: Umm, can I help you?

HG: Yeah, you can stop raping me with your eyes.

Me: alrighty then.

HG: Also you can give me your number.

Me: Yeah, that’s not happening.

Me: Are you okay?

HG: NO CAUSE YOU REJECTED ME.

Cue me walking away and trying unsuccessfully not to laugh.

29. He fell with an inaudible cry in between the two buildings (about 12-15 feet).

30. Catcalled me every day on my jogging route for a week.

31. A guy had a journal that was filled with poems about me, pages of ‘I love you’ written over and over.

32. ‘Do you feel bad enough for me to give me your number?’

33. Dude pulls out the full-size metal rose that he’s cut and welded by himself and painted up all fancy.

I was dating a guy in first-year university (he was a fair bit older than me) and I mostly saw him evenings and weekends. He was a metalworker and worked long days, etc.

Things weren’t moving in the direction I wanted them to be going (read: him acknowledging me as his real girlfriend/actually officially dating)it spawned a lot of petty arguments.

The breakup happened in

Dude panicked and tried to pull out some romantic gesture after realizing I was leaving.

I took the rose and I left. It sits on my desk and I look at it every day.

Spoils of war.

34. He faked having a girlfriend.

Faking having a girlfriend. If anything, it made me like him even less (which I didn’t think was possible).

35. For about 10 minutes. I was dying of second-hand humiliation for him.

I’m approximately halfway through a Ph.D. program in which I examine molecular mechanisms underlying Alzheimer’s disease.

At this point I ask if he wants to leave. He does.

36. I don’t care how fast, loud, or how flashy your car is, you’re fucking annoying.

Any guy that tried to impress me with the type of car they drove. I don’t care how fast, loud, or how flashy your car is, you’re fucking annoying.”

37. ‘I’ve always wanted to have 4 kids. I have 3 now. I’ve always known you would give me #4.’

I had an old high-school friend find me on Facebook and pm me ‘I’ve always wanted to have 4 kids. I have 3 now. I’ve always known you would give me #4.’

38. After being told, ‘Do not talk to me again’ and 3 months of no contact, I’m clearly SUPER into him.

Oh yeah, because clearly I have no idea what my own intentions are and need somebody else to explain them to me.

39. He immediately starts talking about how much money he makes, his life’s luxuries, his recent purchases.

40. Librathe LION.

I was at a bar once, and a fellow tried hitting on me by asking, ‘What’s your sign?’ After laughing, then feeling bad (because he was completely serious), I answered the question.

‘I’m a Libra.’

‘Ooohhhhh, the LION!’ he exclaimed.

‘No….. the Scales….’ I respond.

‘Ah…I’m usually better at this. Sorry,’ was his reply, as I smile and leave with my drink.

41. He told me he was a Saudi prince and offered me a million dollars to have sex with him.

I still occasionally wonder whether he was telling the truth, because honestly if he was, the answer would’ve been, ‘Let’s go.’

42. A guy tried to rap for me.

A guy tried to rap for me. I have nothing against rapping and I like rap music, but it was to HIS OWN previously recorded rap that he put on his iPhone.

No music, nothing. Just him yelling into his phone. And he didn’t even know the words!! To his own rap!!!

43. He tried to light two cigarettes at once.

My SO tried to light two cigarettes at once on our second date.

The wind kept snuffing out the flame. With two cigarettes still in his mouth he said, ‘Impressing you one failure at a time.’

His attempt to impress me didn’t work, but I thought he was cute so I kept him.

We no longer smoke.

44. I told him he should probably go back to DC.

I told him he should probably go back to DC.

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/44-girls-reveal-the-most-insane-thing-a-guy-ever-did-to-impress-them/

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apsbicepstraining · 7 years

Text

44 Girls Reveal The Most Insane Thing A Guy Ever Did To Impress Them

Found on AskReddit .

1. He gave me a little chest of chocolates, but he’d already eaten half of them.

When “were in” dating my husband bought a bit casket of chocolates’ for me ,’ but had already eaten half of them because he wanted to try them, more. I still make fun of him for it.

2. He showed me his tattoos of various My Little Ponies.

Showing me his tattoos of various types of My Little Ponies. He was so excited to show me, he reckoned I was going to be blown away by it.

3. He told me he hung up my video so he could see it while in the rain and he was masturbating to it.

I met a guy via online dating. We went to dinner. He was telling me how much he loved one of my photos on the website. So much, he said, he hung it up so he could see it while in the shower and he was masturbating to it.

4. Why? Is your nose bigger than your dick?

I formerly had a guy content me and his opening line was,’ Hey, wanna sit on my appearance ?’

I responded with’ Why? Is your nose bigger than your dick ?’

He blocked me after that.

5. He called me his number-one girlout of seven.

I dated this person for like, a week in junior college. Still very much in the’ getting to know you’ stagecoach. It grew really obvious early on he was one of those guys that try to put you down so you’ll think you’re lucky he’s even talking to you but I’d exactly react every subtle revile with a ‘… K.’

We were hanging out and he says something like,’ You’re my number-one girl.’ Kind of a weird happening to say at this item in the game, all right. I jokingly said,’ Oh yeah? Out of how many ?’ He realise this big show out of counting on his paws and pretends to try remembering all the figures in his ring-binders full of women before he says,’ Seven .’ I was like,’ Haha, OK, well, I don’t think I could compete with seven. Good luck with that ,’ and stopped taking his calls.

6. He told me he masturbated to me but had never been able to finish.

He told me he masturbated to me. And then when I was awkward he was attempting to make it better by tell people he had never been able to finish to me.

7. He told me he could rend a phone book in half, so I demonstrated him one.

One time a person I worked with is seeking to impress me by telling me he could slam a phone book in half with ease. On my production of a phone book, he proceeded to repeatedly attempt to rend it in half to the point of shaking and sweating. He couldn’t. The second-hand humiliation was real.

8. He face-lift his shirt up and said,’ Look how little person hair I have.’

I had a guy come up to me at a prohibit, promote his shirt up, and say,’ Look how little mas “hairs-breadth” I have .’ Granted he was super-drunk, but I simply walked away.

9. He gave me a frozen, severed alligator foot.

I was a project manager at a consulting company. We hired a very odd fellow by the call of Rod. One epoch Rod and I were discussing a neighbourhood Asian supermarket. This is possibly the second largest season we ever communicated; he did not end up working at the company for very long after.

Me:’ Yeah, they have a lot peculiar nonsense there !’ Rod:’ They even have alligator meat for sale .’ Me, in “the worlds largest” disinterested tone:’ Yeah, how about that .’ Intention of conversation.

Weeks go by, and Rod announces he will be leaving the company to start a new statu. He comes by my role to say goodbye. I detect he’s holding something in a plastic crate behind his back, trying to hold back a grin.

Me:’ Best of fluke, being .’ Rod:’ I got you a going-away present .’ I think this is odd, so I say,’ But I’m not leaving.’

Rod sides me whatever is wrapped in the plastic purse. I start to wonder if it’s something “hes having” removed from his body. I unravel the plastic and observe a fishy stink. It’s a severed, frozen alligator foot, with claws still in skill. From the Asian Supermarket.

Rod:’ Watch! You didn’t believe me when I said they had alligator meat !’

tl ;d r Guy once gave me a frozen, severed alligator foot.

10. Two messages: dick pics.

Two statements: dick pics.

11. A person carved my refer into his arm once.

A guy engraved my name into his arm formerly. I don’t have a very short name.

12.’ Your look is like a tomatothe surface is all smooth and soft. Can I stroke your scalp ?’

1)’ You are so beautiful. Your look is like a tomatothe scalp is all smooth and soft. Can I stroke your scalp? No? Oh, well can I decorate you then? I want to give you a camera so you can take photos of yourself and see how beautiful you are.’ Random guy on a bus.

2) Set up on a year formerly. Date arrives two hours late( don’t ask me why I was still hanging around ), follows to tell me he needs to buy some new jeans. We go to a storage, he tries on the jeans and ends he likes them. We queue. At the checkout he appears over at me and says,’ Oh shit, I’ve forgotten my wallet in the car. Would you thoughts ?’

I paid.

3)’ Your face is round like a football’said whilst drunk off his look and scaling a bridge( over not-so-troubled irrigate ).

13. He said,’ Mmm, your blood is dessert’ and went on to tell me it was the sweetest he’d ever tasted.

I was in an art class with a guy and “were in” doing linocut printmaking. You have to use that is something that sharp-witted implement to carve your likenes and my teacher reminded us daily to keep our hands out of the mode. Of direction, I managed to gouge my digits. This person seizure my hands and stays my hemorrhaging fingers in his mouth. After he released me, he said,’ Mmm, your blood is sweetened’ and went on to tell me it was the sweetest he’d ever tasted.

14. He formerly transported me a video of him ejaculating and pointing out how copious it was.

This guy formerly communicated me a video of him ejecting and pointing out how voluminous it was. We were taking a fitness class together and I’d never even talked to him much.

15. I precisely gazed at him as one would stare at a baby who simply shit on the rug.

We were in the middle of the club dance flooring and he simply walked up to me, pulled out his telephone, and showed me the video from his Facebook of him doing a leg press in a gym. I precisely stared at him as one would stare at a domesticated who merely shit on the rug.

16. He offered me half-price on weed if I had fornication with him.

‘Sooo…I can give you this at half-price if you want to stay over.’

I backed out of the room laughing. No, Tim, I’m fine with compensating full toll for a quarter-oz. of gras. I truly don’t want hepatitis.

17. He just takes his dick out and starts jackin’ it.

Oh man, my wife’s best friend has a good one, but I don’t know if she is on here and it’s pretty difficult to not mention.

So she goes on this date with a dude who looked like a pattern. Ravishing would be the word I may have heard.

Anyway, they go on this time. They get in her gondola, and he just takes his dick out and starts jackin’ it. She’s like,’ What the fuck are you doing ?’ and he simply looks at her like a magician trying to’ wow’ her. She doesn’t make regardless, though, and she’s pretty pissed. He goes disturbed and emits this phenomenal word,’ Pfftyou’re just like the others.’

Which is necessary that he has done this before! There is some good-looking buster who just goes on years and jacks off in their auto and thinks why no one likes him.

18. His military dog tag said’ Established in China.’

This guy is seeking to impress me at a table by telling me how he worked in the military forces. He had that various kinds of braggy outlook that makes people uncomfortable. Telling me how he’s trained to kill and knows how to use SO numerous artilleries, and fly this and drive that, and knows hand-to-hand duel. I symbolize I don’t know anyone in the military, so “whos” I to say that some people didn’t behave like that? But it seemed so showy. He then’ accidentally’ drooped his dog tags on the field. Which also seemed strange. Who accompanies their dog tag to a table, and too aren’t you supposed to wear them? Anyways, I was quicker to picking them up, he made a big deal about me looking at them, saying I wasn’t even supposed to touch them, as I was siding them back it clearly said’ Established in China’ stomped on the back.

19. He told me that he didn’t ordinarily year’ Russian chicks'( I have blonde “hairs-breadth”, so OBVIOUSLY I’m Russian ).

After producing me all the types of soda from the school vending machine( despite being told numerous periods that I can’t drink soda ), he pulled up a sung on his phone and explosion it on full volume. He told me to seeing how he understood the Japanese lyrics and the romance they held because love was a language pronounced through raw spirits and could be understood by all. And of course, how the chant represented our charity. It was pretty cringeworthy.

Oh yeah, and he also told me that he didn’t normally date’ Russian chicks'( I have blonde fuzz, so OBVIOUSLY I’m Russian) because they are so strong and tough that they devastate his manliness. But I was’ an aesthetic goddess’ who could defined him free.

These are just the highlights. He did this substance every day on the bus for a whole semester.

20. He read entire sheets from a journal written in Latin over a dinner time in a thick-skulled Italian accent.

Reading entire sheets from a journal writes to Latin over a dinner appointment in a dense Italian accent because’ that’s the way it most probably voiced ,’ without translating anything, until I was about ready to fall asleep. I wrote off all classics majors after that date.

21. He asked me to his prom when I was 10 by buying me a sugar bar.

Had a person ask me to his prom. I was 10 and had never assembled him before. He asked me by buying me a sugar prohibit while I was waiting for my mama to check out in the grocery store.

I was creeped-out. My mama thought it was hilarious.

22. I told him over and over again that I don’t like my hoofs stroked, but he wouldn’t relent.

On our first appointment, about ten minutes in he told me that everyone always said that he afforded the best paw rubs and asked if I wanted one. I told him over and over again that I don’t like my hoofs touched, but he wouldn’t relent, so I finally said fine. Cue what is like him literally trying to break my paw. Purposed up with bruises.

23. One day he brought in his daughter( who was probably 6) and established me to the daughter as’ mommy.’

When I was 18 waiting tables a much older man used to come in and sit in my division a lot. One daylight he brought in his daughter( who was probably 6) and interposed me to the daughter as’ mummy .’ He told me he knew I was the’ commitment sort’ and told you he said I was worth’ the best thought he had to offer .’ It was cringeworthy.

He had been coming in for a few months before it got to this stage of what-the-fuckness. When it happened I freaked out in the kitchen about it but deterred my cool in front of him and didn’t say anything about it. Although the next time he came in he delivered his mother and introduced me as his lover and I lost it. I grabbed my director and he knocked him out. The creepiest constituent about it was that he worked in a medical federal prison. I never read him again, although I did run into his mother at Walmart about a month ago and it was very uncomfortable.

24. He would tell me tales of generally being a dick and follows up on with’ I know I’m an asshole, but at the least I’m honest, right?

It’s a tie between the guy that would tell me storeys of generally being a dick and following up with’ I know I’m an asshole, but at least I’m honest, right ?’ and the guy that told me the story of how he drove the only girl out of his WoW guild by going everyone to refer to her as a talking vagina( but she totally deserved it because she had a high-pitched expres ).

25. He revved his instrument and proceeded to take a sharp turn too fast and trenched his bike.

I was walking with got a couple of my girlfriends when a guy on a motorcycle transferred us. As he drove by, he revved his locomotive and proceeded to take a sharp turn too fast and trenched his bike.

He took off his helmet as he countenanced up and touched himself off, picked up his motorcycle, then he put his helmet back on. Merely he tried to set his helmet on downward at first.

My friends and I are not mean-spirited, this is why we managed to keep a straight face until he drove away, then we tittered our fannies off. Poor guy.

26. He came by every day to ask if I was’ legal’ yet.

I was 14 and working at a coffee stand on an infantry basi. A soldier came in and started making on me , not realizing how age-old I was. I told him my age and expected that he would give me an awkward apology and walk away … Instead, he told me that I was lying. It took some of my regulars coming in and persuading him that I was really 14. Instead of awkwardly rationalizing and “re going away”, he came by every day be interested to know whether I was’ legal’ yet.

Let me say to you , nothing says flattering quite like a creepy older guy who plans to mostly stalk you at work for the next four years until you transform 18…

27. He texted me every hour or so every day for almost a month.

He texted me every hour or so every day for almost a month, then asked me out over text. When I rejected he said something along the lines of,’ Well it doesn’t have to be a” year date ,” we could go as sidekicks and see if anything happens. Assure, I can be accommodating !’

-.-

After another month of this I made a Google expression history and told him I changed my number. It’s been almost 3 years and I get texts/ phone calls on that number.

Anyways he terminated up dating your best friend, flirted with me perpetually, cheated on her with multiple daughters( not me ), the two is broken, he asked me out again, then nearly got arrested for threatening to beat up a few girls. But hey, he’s super adjust!

28. Cue me walking away and trying unsuccessfully not to laugh.

Let me talk to you about Heelys guy!

I’m at my university, waiting for the crosswalk to change, when out of the corner of my seeing I observe this guy marching towards my site from the other side of the intersection. He has a skater helmet on( not clipped, simply kind of hanging there 2cool4safety) and is skidding on, of course, Heelys. He stops about a paw from me and just…stares.

Me: Umm, can I help you?

HG: Yeah, you can stop raping me with your eyes.

Me: alrighty then.

HG: Also you can give me your number.

Me: Yeah, that’s not happening.

At this detail the crosswalk signal changed and I started to walk away. HG, who had just been staring at me( red-eyed, most definitely high out of his attention at noon on a Monday ), then grabs the back of a scooter and is heelying in all the regions of the intersection to follow me . When he gets to the end of the intersection, he tells proceed of the mope( as the motorist is screeching at him) and And he falls on the dirt. And his helmet wheels away because it wasn’t clipped on.

Me: Are you okay?

HG: NO CAUSE YOU REJECTED ME.

Cue me walking away and trying unsuccessfully not to laugh.

29. He fell with an inaudible howl in between the two buildings( about 12 -1 5 hoofs ).

In college, I lived in an apartment building that was extremely close to an old-fashioned original building on the pulley-block where my friend lived. He and I were just sidekicks at the time, but I knew he was interested. I had just been out riding my bike and was moving my bicycle up the steps to the stoop in front of our doorway. There was about a 7-10 paw crack between our slouch and the porch of this old house. Unbeknownst to me, your best friend was( in his thinker) cleverly trying to sneak up on me, Spider-Man style by briskly rushing from the hall to our stoop while I went out my keys. Nonetheless, his project disappeared awry, and he fell with an inaudible cry in between the two buildings( about 12 -1 5 hoofs ). I casually penetrated my suite with my bicycle as usual. Two minutes later, I sounds a whack. I consider my friend, battered knees and joints, seeming preferably sheepish. I’m confused and referred, then he tells me what happened, in front of my roommates( all mutual pals ), and we DIE laughing! Poor guy. Of trend, we bandage him up and give him a beer for his bothers. LOL.

30. Catcalled me every day on my jogging route for a week.

Catcalled me every day on my jogging direction for a few weeks. Creepy as fuck. After the second largest or third daylight, I was like,’ I’m not going to let some lout frighten me away from my favorite road !’ So I remained proceeding, but I outlined the line when he actually tried to search me. Now I go in the complete opposite tendency. Pisses me the fuck off.

I are well aware that forestalling the guy was a bad notion because then he could potentially hurt others, and I repent not doing anything. But given my age, prominence, etc. at the time, I wasn’t in any position to physically fight back without endangering myself. I was also afraid of the person following me dwelling/ harming me even more, so I got the fuck away as soon as I could.

31. A guy had a gazette that was fitted with poems about me, sheets of’ I love you’ written over and over.

A guy had a magazine that was filled with poems about me, pages of’ I love you’ written over and over, storeys in excruciating detail of how we’d waste the rest of “peoples lives” together and he even had described pictures of what our children would look like. Every sheet was dated. This gentleman wrote in it EVERY DAY for a year. I had no hypothesi about it until he gave it to me for my birthday.

32.’ Do you feel bad enough for me to give me your numeral ?’

I was working and this teenager that had been hitting on me all day came back and tried to hop onto the gratuities of his skis.( Using his spars to prop himself up ?) Even though the move was supposed to decline my gasps, he altogether gobble shit the noise was unmistakable. I hear a smack-dab, him conveying his sting and then,’ You didn’t see that, right ?… Do you feel bad enough for me to give me your digit ?’

33. Dude draws out the full-size metal rose that he’s piece and welded by himself and decorated up all fancy.

I was dating a person in first-year university( he was a fair fragment older than me) and I mainly discovered him nights and weekends. He was a metalworker and ran long eras, etc.

Things weren’t moving in the direction I wanted them to be going( read: him accepting me as his real girlfriend/ actually officially dating) it spawned a lot of petty arguments.

I dissolved up breaking up with him and going back to his region the next day to get my nonsense. He croaks,’ Oh, I stimulated you this for Valentine’s Day but hadn’t demonstrated it to you’dude plucks out the full-size metal rose that he’s slashed and welded by himself and coated up all fancy.

The breakup has been the case in

Dude panicked and tried to draw out some nostalgic gesticulate after recognizing I was leaving.

I took the rose and I left. It sits on my desk and I look at it every day.

Spoils of war.

34. He counterfeited having a girlfriend.

Faking having a girlfriend. If anything, it shaped me like him even less( which I didn’t think was possible ).

35. For about 10 minutes. I was expiring of second-hand dishonour for him.

I was at a barroom with some pals and a reasonably decent-looking guy begin to chat me up. He starts to talk to me about how smart he is and how he turned down a scientific master’s orientation at[ nearby university] to work at a biotech startup. Interested, I ask about what the startup does, etc. Just being polite and obligating conversation.

It turns out he works at a clinic that does Alzheimer’s disease evaluations…doing intake paperwork. After unsuccessfully trying to change the subject to spare him embarrassment, he asks me what I know about Alzheimer’s.( Of course) before I answer he steamrolls me to say to me in voluminous( mistaken) detail about the disease. For about 10 instants. I was succumbing of second-hand shame for him. He then finally asks what I do…

I’m approximately halfway through a Ph.D. program in which I analyse molecular mechanisms underlying Alzheimer’s disease.

At this level I ask if he wants to leave. He does.

36. I don’t care how quickly, raucous, or how gaudy your car is, you’re fucking annoying.

Any guy that tried to impress me with the type of automobile they drove. I don’t care how fast, raucous, or how flashy your gondola is, you’re fucking riling .”

37.’ I’ve always wanted to have 4 minors. I have 3 now. I’ve always known you are able to give me# 4.’

I had an old high-school acquaintance find me on Facebook and pm me’ I’ve always wanted to have 4 children. I have 3 now. I’ve always known you are able to give me# 4.’

38. After being told,’ Do not talk to me again’ and the three months of no contact, I’m clearly SUPER into him.

By attacking me with texts nonstop and asking me out in “the worlds largest” ridiculous way. He’d never do anything in person, only make awkward small talk, and the second largest we led our separate behaviors I’d get a text asking me to dinner. After becoming it very clear that I did not want to date him( straight up said,’ I am not very interested in dating you “), he’d is an attempt persuasion me that I was flirting with him all the time.

Oh yeah, because clearly I have no thought what my own intentions are and necessitate someone else to explain them to me.

Even after flat-out telling him,’ I am not interested in dating you ,’ he’d question’ But, like, what does that really signify ?’ Oh gee buddy, I necessitate it actually reverberates open-ended. After about a month of him trying to ask me out and me telling him,’ I AM NOT INTERESTED IN DATING YOU ,’ I told him to stop texting me and to not talk to me in class. And he did, until 3 months later. That’s when I get an essay-long text, telling me I’m perfect and’ not forgery like other girls’ and that he hates everybody but he doesn’t hate me and blah blah blah and aims the verse with ‘[ First Name Last Name ], will you do me the honour of being your lover? Or we are in a position only be friends that’s cool very .’ Because after being told,’ Do not talk to me again’ and 3 months of no contact, I’m clearly SUPER into him.

39. He immediately starts talking about how much money he makes, his life’s indulgences, his recent purchases.

Whenever I gratify a person, go on a date with him or exactly have a conversation with him and he immediately starts talking about how much money he makes, his life’s luxuries, his most recent obtains, etc. that to me, is the saddest most annoying happening that person can do and by no means the right way to impress me.

Guys acting like that tells me two things: 1) You think so ambiguous and so superficially of me, that you think that impresses me; 2) You think so little of yourself and your reputation, that you use materialistic components to try and get girls, and that is a terminated TURNOFF.

40. Librathe LION.

I was at a rail once, and a fellow tried hitting on me by questioning,’ What’s your signal ?’ After chuckling, then feeling bad( because he was completely serious ), I answered the question.

‘I’m a Libra.’

‘Ooohhhhh, the LION !’ he exclaimed.

‘No ….. the Scales ….’ I respond.

‘Ah…I’m often better at this. Sorry ,’ was his reply, as I smile and leave with my drink.

41. He told me he was a Saudi prince and offered me a million dollars to have sex with him.

I was a waitress in a restaurant. A Middle Eastern guy was just telling me he was a Saudi prince and offered me a million dollars to have sex with him. I met this is just creepy-crawly, and likely bullshit, therefore I said no.

I still sometimes be interested to know whether he was telling the truth, because honestly if he was, the answer would’ve been,’ Let’s go.’

42. A guy tried to rap for me.

A guy tried to rap for me. I have nothing against rapping and I like rap music, but it was to HIS OWN previously recorded rap that he put on his iPhone.

No music , good-for-nothing. Just him yelling into his telephone. And he didn’t even know the words !! To his own rap !!!

43. He tried to light-footed two cigarettes at once.

My SO tried to light two cigarettes at once on our second date.

The wind stopped snuffing out the kindle. With two cigarettes still in his mouth he said,’ Affecting you one flop at a time.’

His attempt to impress me didn’t work, but I thought he was cute so I remained him.

We no longer smoke.

44. I told him he was likely to go back to DC.

Told me the only intellect he hadn’t asked me out yet was because I seemed like I had a male back at home taking care of me, asked me out regardless, and when I said no, proceeded to tell me that’ if you were living in DC you’d be all over me. I get hundreds of numbers when I was in DC.’

I told him he was likely to go back to DC.

The post 44 Girls Reveal The Most Insane Thing A Guy Ever Did To Impress Them appeared first on apsbicepstraining.com.

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