#I’ve got thoughts about hot drinks dustins first gig

[corrodedcoughin]

Steve ends up buying loads of hair accessories for eddie, bandanas/hair ties/claw clips. He gets really excited when he finds something new, practices different style on eddie but they aren't always perfect due to the tremor in his hands from the upside down. Eddie loves them all despite this, says it adds a 'metal edge', he even insists on getting his hair done for every hellfire meeting. The first time the guys throw questioning looks at each other, every time after that they don't even bat an eyelid.

Eddie stops by a store to get post-club food on the way home one night. The employee says she loves his hair and wishes she could do her own like that. Eddie takes great delight in telling her it was his partner and even happier to tell Steve when he reaches him at the trailer.

Turns out, Steve loves doing hair and ends up with a line to the door the night the next school dance rolls around with the kids all demanding that he do something special for each of them. Robin and Nacy come to him for tips, always asking what he thinks the other girl might like but making him promise not to tell.

Through it all Eddie just sits and watches his mother hen of a boyfriend in his element and tries to contain the beaming smile threatening to take over his face at the love he feels for his family

[theworstbob]

i’ma yell at the songs that debuted on the billboard hot 100 this year okay

So I’m gonna try to make this post every week because I’m trying to establish some routine for the tumblog, have some point to my social media? Which basically means I’m gonna keep track of every song that blows up enough to get on the Billboard charts and update the Top Ten of 2017 every week so I don’t have to endure the nonsense that was a Hot 100 of 2016 chart that didn’t have “Black Beatles” or “Bad & Boujee” YA GOOFED, BILLBOARD so anyway this’ll be a fun thing to do for two months

i’ma skip the 1/7 chart because there’s still christmas music on there? but i’m considering everything from that point on a 2017 track.

14 January 2017

71) "Moves," Big Sean

The more time I spend with Big Sean, the more I understand what other people might have been seeing in him that has kept him in the collective consciousness this whole time. Like, we gave him enough chances to practice, and he got good! It's impressive! Not everyone gets good!

79) "Seein' Red," by Dustin Lynch

I was gonna make a stink about how typically red lights mean 'stop,' and that is a notable omission in a song about a dude who fantasizes about red, but you know what, this is about as inoffensive as bro country gets. It's not good? But it's not obnoxious, and that hits the ceiling I have for bro country. I would like to point out: in the pre-chorus, bro says "drive this Chevy like a Cadillac." Fun fact! The Cadillac-brand automotives are manufactured by General Motors, which also manufactures Chevrolet-brand automobiles! That is so weird how, in this simile, two cars being manufactured by the same company are being compared! Probably just a coincidence.

80) "iSpy," by KYLE ft./Lil Yachty

This is the bounciest trap single I've heard since "Trap Queen." "I'm just like DeRozan/If I shoot it, it goes in." And just like DeMar DeRozan with his anachronistic game based around an elite mid-range jumper, I don't know how this song works so well, but goddamnit if it's just a pleasure to hear! Both parties have really nice self-deprecating senses of humor, and the hook is the sort of daffy most novelty singles could only dream of achieving. This song is charming! I never thought I'd describe a trap song as charming, but I absolutely fucking love this. What a peculiar little treat!

90) "Think a Little Less," by Michael Ray

I was gonna do this whole thing where I inferred certain beliefs Michael Ray has about women's right to their own bodies given that he has a 100% serious song called "Real Men Love Jesus" and wonder why someone who isn't pro-choice would insist a woman "kiss a little more, think a little less." But you know what? Maybe Michael Ray's cool. Maybe we owe Michael Ray the benefit of the doubt. So I'm not gonna do that whole thing. I'm just not gonna talk about this song anymore because hoo boy is it ever not worth talking about.

95) "No Flockin," by Kodak Black

Imagine making the beat for this song and realizing it has to go to Kodak Black. Hey: I have an idea for a reality show, and y'all can tell me if this has been done, but it's 14 unsigned rappers in a battle to determine who gets to be the first to rap over a new Just Blaze beat, and like in the first episode Just Blaze brings out whatever hip-hop luminaries are at a stage in their career that they have to appear on reality shows (P. Diddy for sure, I bet they could get Cee-Lo, and I can't imagine Salt or Pepa saying no) to affirm that this isn't just some beat Just Blaze made ten years ago that he's pulling out for that executive producer credit, anyone who gets this beat has a hit on their hands, and with the right rapper, it's a no-brainer instant classic. 14 unsigned rappers fighting for one Just Blaze beat in the reality rapping competition we so sorely need.

96) "Timeless," by A Boogie Wit da Hoodie ft./DJ SPINKING

The way the drums come in is really cool. The way he goes off-beat in the bridge, I don't know how into that I am? But I respect that he is making choices.

98) "Way Down We Go," by Kaleo

Gotye 2017 is pretty cool! Nothing will ever top the original, of course, but still a far sight better than Gotye 2015.

99) "Hate U Love U," by Olivia O'Brien

...wait is this j -- okay, well, i guess it's enough to know we can calculate gnash's VORP. this song goes from a 3 to a 6 without that dude.

100) "Shaky Shaky," by Daddy Yankee

This is garbage, but it is incredibly acceptable garbage. It's jubilantly insipid.

21 January 2017

92) "Sober Saturday Night," by Chris Young ft./Vince Gill

So as far as bro country dudes go, this one actually has a decent voice. If pressed, I might be able to pick his voice out of a lineup a week from now! That doesn't mean this song isn't dreck -- oh wow, you stopped partying because a girl left you, how terrible, he's not even drinking! you guys! so sad! -- but, y'know, it's nice to have some variety.

93) "Beibs in the Trap," by Travis Scott

Hey! A song I already know and mostly enjoy! Awesome time-save, right there!

94) "I Got You," by Bebe Rexha

...no thank you

95) "The Weekend," by Brantley Gilbert

oh god this chucklefuck. "Tick tock, I'm on the clock, and I feel like this job's just 9 to 5'n my life away." Brantley Gilbert is 32. He released his debut album when he was 24. Assume he went to all four years of high school and graduated at 18. His Wikipedia page says he has been an active musician since 2005, when he would've been 20. I never knew any 19-year-olds with office jobs but, okay, let's give him the benefit of the doubt, afford him the chance to have worked a shitty temp job while he was gigging or trying to make songwriting happen. He has six years, from when he was 18 to 24, to have worked a 9 to 5. Like, you would think this wouldn't matter to him these days, right? Because he's 32 now, and he has a job he probably likes as a county music star, he has a purported net worth around $10 million, you'd figure he wouldn't be thinking about the time he wasted at his dead-end job. So unless he's just had this song hanging around since he was 23 and is just now getting around to it, how am I supposed to believe this tattoo boy truly ever felt miserable at a 9-5? See, the problem with bro country is, it's dishonest. It comes from a deeply cynical place. This song does not come from a place of deeply felt experience or bold artistic statement, it is a song about something that happens to other people that he and Big Machine can then sell to those other people, and that is just such a profoundly disappointing thing. I promise one day I'm going to talk about something I love as much as I talk about something I don't much care for.

100) "Water," by Ugly God

I love this name you have chosen for yourself! The song... Well, still. What a good name to have picked! You are wearing a sweatshirt that says Hentai and I am proud of what you have been able to achieve in your life's time.

28 January 2017

1) "Shape of You," by Ed Sheeran

"Hey, 2010 Bob!" "Well, hello, Bob! from the future! Been a couple days!" "Been a couple years, actually." "Ha!" "Time travel jokes." "Well, what'd you come here to tell me? Last time, you came from the magical world of 2013 to tell me about all the new Pokemon you had. What does the future have in store?" "In 2017, the best male pop stars alive will be, in order, Bruno Mars, The Weeknd, and Ed Sheeran." "...Um?" "Also Trump becomes president." "What, like Donald?" "I also have new Pokemon for you!" "Oh, dope! But like Donald?" "Oh yeah, and he like instantly becomes a monstrous dictator, too." "...The Apprentice dude?"

6) "Castle on the Hill," by Ed Sheeran

Like legit tho, it's 2017, Ed Sheeran dropped a song with heavy (heavy) U2 influence, and I 100% don't mind it. I also laughed out loud at "Me and my friends have not thrown up in so long, we're so grown." Like this is all he's ever been, but he's a lot better at it now than he was when he started, and he’s become, like, kinda dope?

77) "Location," by Khalid

Always good for someone's long-term prospects when the song gets a Wikipedia page before the singer or any of the five other credited writers, or the three producers. Are the three producers and six songwriters all separate entities? I don't know and won't bother verifying, because all Wikipedia tells me is that nine people worked on this song, and also that when Khalid "heard the beat play, the words flew out," two information bitlets that don't conflict at all. The end product isn't the worst thing I've ever heard, I might end up with this dumb song stuck in my head for a jillion years, but it is just kinda... like, there. There's no climax or anything, it's just, "Send me your location. I'll wait. ...There it is. Coo'." Like fuck, dude, have an emotion or something.

89) "Drinkin' Too Much," by Sam Hunt

There is no way of knowing if I actually heard Sam Hunt's "Drinking Too Much" or not. All's I know is, I'm like 90% sure I heard a bro-country/trap song, and I am not okay with it. Absolutely not. Fuck you, and fuck whoever gave these songwriters a Future tape. This is unacceptable. I don't know who told you you could, but you shouldn't have.

100) "If the Boot Fits," by Granger Smith

BRO COUNTRY CLICHE COUNT Well the word boot is in the title of the song (1), and it's also a part of the chorus so we’ll make that (2), and apparently people come to his shows holding fucking cowboy boots (3) uh-huh yeah totally real America right there, the song begins with the phrase "small town" (4) and a patriarchal admonishment to have the daughter home by midnight (5). Granger Smith, you are 38, you should not be dating women with CURFEWS. Christ. "I wanna watch the sun rise through the pines with ya." Campin' sounds country as fuck (6) and watching the sunrise, it's not specifically a bro country cliche? But it's still a cliche (7). "My carriage is a 4x4 400 horse Chevrolet." Are yo -- okay, (8), and you know what (9) because he specified the horsepower and (10) because he specified the brand, ARE YOU... sure? Granger? Jordan Schmidt? Andy Albert? Mitchell Tenpenny? Frank Rogers? Are you guys okay with what you're doing? Do you go to bed satisfied that you have put good in this world? Are you sure this is what you were put on this earth to do? "My carriage is a 4x4 400 horse Chevrolet." My stars! "Let me show you how a country boy treats a lady." (11), man, that's just a classic. This song isn't even three minutes long, and it manages to pack in that much bad. I don't even care that I spent so much time thinking about something I hated, because you know what, bro country is still a scourge must needs be purged from this earth. Bad things happen when people like me say nothing. MAYBE THERE ARE BETTER FIGHTS TO START BUT THIS 38-YEAR-OLD BOY IS WASTING EVERYONE'S TIME.

4 February 2017

7) "Paris," by The Chainsmokers

Consider Armando Galarraga. He had, quite literally, a negligible major league career from 2007 to 2012. There is a statistc called Wins Above Replacement, or WAR, which purports to calculate exactly how many wins any major league player is worth as opposed to some schmoe a team could pluck from the minor leagues. Armando Galarraga ended his career having accrued 0.4 WAR, going by the website FanGraphs' calculations of the stat. For four years, Armando Galarraga essentially was the replacement player, the guy teams played because they didnt have anyone else. But on 2 June 2010, he was perfect. Not perfect. FanGraphs assigned his game a score of 94, Galarraga only posting three strikeouts, getting most of his outs via grounders. But perfect in the way that baseball defines it, in that he pitched a complete game and retired all 27 batters he faced, plus an extra batter because Jim Joyce made a mistake and baseball, in 2010, didn't afford opportunities to review close calls. No one disputes that Galarraga retired every batter he faced, we all collectively agree Armando Galarraga pitched a perfect game, and this player, who otherwise had a completely unremarkable career, never even pitching in the post-season despite playing for a highly competent Detroit Tigers team for three seasons, did this one beautiful thing and made himself unforgettable. The next time he pitched, he threw five innings and gave up a two-run home run to Mark Kotsay, and no one was disappointed because they were pretty sure they had an idea of Armando Galarraga's true talent level. This song is meh, is what I'm trying to say.

43) "T-Shirt," by Migos

Fun fact! Production of this track was handled by an entity named XL and the duo of Nard & B, who also produced a track for Future's 2014 album Honest called "T-Shirt!" This "T-Shirt" is a different song from Future's, I listened to both and can confirm that they are different, but my question to you is: are they?

77) "Not Afraid Anymore," by ft./Halsey

Why does having sex with Halsey sound like God and Satan fighting for control of all that is? Like, the grand sense of self-importance which Halsey brings to the table really served "Closer" well, because that song needed someone to insist that we're NOT. EVER getting older. The way she growls those words to the end? I could cry, it’s so good. But on this song, it's like, y'all know sex is fun, right? It doesn't always have to be like this? You're prolly gonna have it again, maybe calm down about it for a second? And more importantly, was I supposed to come into this song knowing what "hit the sin" means? I Googled that phrase. It doesn't even yield the AZ Lyrics page for this song. This phrase doesn't exist, dawg. Is. Is it the butt? You need to explain these things which did not hitherto exist!

88) "Despacito," by Luis Fonsi ft./Daddy Yankee

The thing about Latin pop is, it's a world I only understand through what gets shown to me on the Billboard charts, and that's unfair to that world, because Latin pop is a much nicer vision of the world than American pop. This is such a nice song! The way he sings DES. PA. CI. TO. is incredible, Daddy Yankee doesn't get too "Shaky Shaky" on this (I'm not even gonna try to judge Daddy Yankee as a rapper given how out of my depth I am in terms of any music evaluation, but he seems on point), it just, it hums along at a nice clip. Also the English translation of this song I found says this song has the line "We will do it on the beach in Puerto Rico 'til the waves scream 'Dear lord!'" THIS IS A SONG ABOUT FUCKING SO RIGHT THAT YOU MAKE THE OCEAN NERVOUS. GOD YES.

95) "Not Nice," by PARTYNEXTDOOR

So, here's the peril of wanting to listen to and have opinions on all the new pop music, apart from forcing myself to have reactions to things that may not be reflective of my true feelings: I will sometimes have to look at this and think, well what do I do about this? It's a nice song. I really dig the beat. I don't mind the dude's voice. The lyrics aren't wholly offensive. But like. I gotta say something about it, right? "Um, maybe I will try the party next door, thank you for the suggestion." That'd be a killer line, but I don't dislike this song! But no one wants to hear “don’t dislike.” I have to go one way or the other. Kaizo level or troll level. 1000 degree hot knife or Frozen Ana Elsa Trolls. I can’t just be a person who hears something and forgets it. Everything has to matter. This needs to matter for it to be content.

98) "Black," by Dierks Bentley

I've long defended Dierks Bentley as one of the good ones, but, um, you know it takes two people to fuck, right dude? Okay, insist she make your world go black. What are you gonna do for her? Whatcha bringin' to the table, Dierks? I used to work guest service at a Target store, and my man, if you wanna do an even exchange, best believe you oughta bring your receipts. "DRUNK ON A PLANE" NOTWITHSTANDING I do not for a second think the quality of your dick is so unimpeachable that you can make demands like this!

99) "Down," by Marian Hill

This is nice! Like, in the alternate universe where Harry Potter didn't blow all the way the hell up but still got big enough for a CW adaptation, this would definitely be the theme song. That's what this song is, a quirky jam for a very British teen soap. I really dig this, this is a refreshing change of pac -- Oh. Oh, okay, so that's a thing you decided to do. Alright. Well, we had some fun here. I appreciate that you are trying to accomplish things, and I acknowledge that others may find you succeeded.

So these are the top ten singles of 2017 so far:

10) “Seein’ Red,” by Dustin Lynch (yeah it’s bad, but there’s only like 17 songs, there’s one song on this list i’d be 100% okay with still seeing in the top ten in december) 9) “Moves,” by Big Sean 8) “Down,” by Marian Hill 7) “Timeless,” by A Boogie Wit da Hoodie ft./DJ SPINKING 6) “Beibs in the Trap,” by Travis Scott 5) “Castle on the Hill,” by Ed Sheeran 4) “Way Down We Go,” by Kaleo 3) “Shape of You,” by Ed Sheeran 2) “Despacito,” by Luis Fonsi ft./Daddy Yankee 1) “iSpy,” by KYLE ft./Lil Yachty