#I'd like to think some of this is me reflecting the attitudes other ppl are bringing. But not all of it is!

[drumlincountry]

Why is it SO HARD not to become a godawful control freak ego driven monster when collaborating on important, world-improving projects with people who SHARE UR VALUES AND WANT THE SAME THINGS AS YOU

[ultrvmonogamy]

if you really were in your 40s you seriously need to update your bio to 21+ and not 18+. especially with the themes on your blog it can come off as creepy and pedo ish

bestie i'm a bit confused by this message, n i feel like there's a lot to unpack here for what's essentially a single sentence.

first of all, there's the fact that the text is red, which i suppose is meant to indicate that this is a warning of sorts or that i'm in error somehow like if my attempt at creating a password didn't include the correct combination of length n special characters or wtv. this was strange to see upon opening my inbox, n it strikes me as a bit aggressive/reprimanding in a manner that does not lead me to feel that ur offering counsel in good faith.

second, it seems ur insinuating that i'm lying abt my age, which to my mind establishes a dynamic of distrust, and for what reason i do not know.

third, u proceed to dictate what i seriously need to do if perchance i'm not lying abt my age. that's p fucking weird n rude n presumptuously authoritarian, and i have to wonder if u could possibly have believed that i'd be receptive to such an approach. i mean, u mention my blog's content, so u must have at least some cursory awareness of my general attitude, no? or maybe as my anonymous overlord who also happens to be the supreme arbiter of social dynamics, such trivial matters as actually communicating w the person ur admonishing is of little import. or perhaps ur just appallingly bad at human interaction, in which case i won't hold it against u as long as ur willing to reflect on that n make some changes including but not limited to staying in ur lane.

fourth, putting 18+ (and, u know, MDNI in multiple places) is creepy n pedo-ish? but also somehow changing that to 21+ would alleviate ur concerns? to my mind, this is so misguided on so many levels that i truly do not know where to begin, but hey i'll give it a try anyway..

let's pretend that u didn't just errantly apply to adults a term that is reserved by its very definition for atrocious acts n desires towards prepubescent children. furthermore, let's pretend u didn't just come to my inbox n associate that term w me. actually, i'd better backtrack n ask u to pause for a moment bc ur probably still thinking abt the fact that i made that distinction n r likely now running some dialogue in ur mind abt how fucking gross i am for even calling out the semantics. ofc i could be wrong abt what ur thinking, but if u do find urself thinking along those lines, then i'm going to take this opportunity to tell u that u seriously need to talk to adult survivors of prepubescent sexual abuse and explain to them why u feel their experience is categorically the same as that of an adult choosing to have sex w someone u personally deem inappropriately older, n then convince them that it's fair to erase the distinction as it pertains to their own experiences.

where was i?

okay, so now let's pretend age gap sex is intrinsically pathological until the younger partner reaches 21 n so therefore 18+ vs 21+ categorically changes the dynamics: even then what exactly is ur premise here? do u think that my intent is to fuck anyone n everyone who looks at my blog? or that i even just want to fuck anyone n everyone who looks at my blog? r u the kind of person who sees someone's horny post n then dms them inappropriately as tho it was written to u personally? literally what the fuck? if a profile on a hookup app is asking for 18+, u'd have grounds to believe the user is seeking sex w ppl at least 18 yrs old, but this is not a hookup app; it's a microblogging platform ffs. like, there is no shortage of blogs that i follow here for art, science, fandoms, cats, moths, religious iconography, knives, symbology, gore, spirituality, etc. do u think i wanna fuck all those bloggers too, or only if they happen to follow this blog as opposed to one of my others? if that's how ur mind works, i'd suggest u put 200+ in ur bio bc i personally do not think adults of any age should have to suffer exposure to u, but even so i do think that adults who would choose to do so have every right to do so (assuming ur not posting the kinds of things ur ostensibly condemning in ur message to me, in which case they would not have the right). now wrt 18+ being an issue: do u think i should be protecting adults from kink or from my sense of humor or what? do u not believe adults should be allowed agency until age 21? or is that just wrt looking at tumblr blogs? maybe just mine? or just blogs run by bloggers 40 n over? was 18+ okay w u when i was 39? 35? 30? 29? do u have some kind of table w a range of adult ages on one axis n various activities on the other? maybe w green checkmarks or red exes at the intersections? is it a case by case basis? is there some kind of puritanical mental gymnastics to be performed so that an integer value pops out from the ether? r u gonna share the formula?

am i completely missing smth here? is there some key information abt the age of 21* that i'm not privy to? srsly, bc if there is such a thing then i'm wholly unaware of it but would v much like to be made aware, and i earnestly invite u to provide me w the relevant information.

if u take nothing else from my response, plz stop misusing that term bc by doing so u r erasing not simply the scale but rather the profound developmental damage of an atrocity that does not track proportionately w age. and to anyone who would choose to do that willfully n knowingly just for the sake of rhetorical impact, i say fuck u bc ur a piece of shit.

if u actually want to have a conversation in good faith, talk to me off anon. just don't fucking coming back here associating those kinds of labels w me, n don't presume to tell me (like some kind of fascist) what i need to do, especially not while invalidating the lived experiences of those who've suffered in one of the worst ways imaginable.

*as i sit here thinking abt it, i actually would not be surprised if 18 yr olds on avg r less inclined to make bad decisions than 21 yr olds on average, but i'd need to see a whole lot of data that most definitely does not exist in any reliable representative form.

bleh.

[unloneliest]

hi i don’t think pan ppl are transphobic, just because bi ppl can be attracted to 2+ genders and pan are attracted to all doesn’t mean pan ppl or bi ppl are transphobic. i deal w panphobic things anytime anyone mentions pansexuality and i really thought your blog would be safe from that. i'm pan and don’t use bi bc i recognize i'd be attracted to someone regardless of gender identity as long as i find them attractive (and this has nothing to do w seeing trans ppl as a dif gender), if they're 1/

this is a long post & i want ppl to have the option 2 skip it so i’m putting it under a readmore; above all else i’m so thankful that you sent me these asks and deeply sorry that i rb’d something that made you feel unsafe on my blog. i agree with you; i don’t think bi or pan people are inherently transphobic and i’m really sorry i implied that with that post!

2/ if they ID as demiboy or demigirl, or genderfluid or anything else that isn't binary, then i really don’t care. i'm not saying bi ppl can’t feel the same since i said bi people are attracted to 2+ genders or all, but pan is rooted in the emphasis of all gender identities. yes theres a lot of overlap but just... i'm hurt that you'd rb smth like that, i understand the last line of its root in transphobia but being gay/straight and so many other things have issues that clash w other LGBT+ IDs

3/ if anything, i've dealt with internalized panphobia and homophobia, i just never felt comfortable with saying i was bi, not because it was "boring" or "binary" but bc everyone would just assume i was attracted to guys and women which was never the case and saying i was pan allowed for me to show that i knew that there are more than 2 gender identities and that i was attracted to all of them

hi its the 3 pt ask anon and its like i completely get why bi ppl would be upset w pan ppl but its just so hard when both are oppressed and one of the most common arguments is like: we aren't seen so we have to be seen first before you try to get into this too. i get why biphobia exists but the same biphobia exists for pan ppl. so many ppl say you're just straight bc of a het relationship or you're just bi then. or the whole theres only two genders argument. and its like i'm as open to dating

5?/ anyone. i genuinely do not care about whichever gender they ID as since i just find ppl attractive for being attractive. and bi ppl can be the same. there is a LOT of overlap and i'm not going to dismiss any worries or concerns. all i know is that the pan community i've surrounded myself with to find love in my sexuality and community have constantly explained that theres overlap but it depends to the person and neither sexuality is transphobic so i try to never overstep or invalidate either

but thank you for listening, so many ppl just invalidate pan voices who try to put both bi and pan ppl into view while acknowledging how theres overlap but theres a difference. its hard feeling invalidating when all i (and others) do is be as inclusive as possible and try to never overstep. i listen to others worries like you do and i've learned so much from your blog and your rbs which i appreciate. it was just hard seeing panphobia & biphobia when i've tagged both to filter the words out

8?? sorry i lost count/ ty again for listening

hi and again just. thank you, for sending me these. i’ve privated the post for now, because i don’t want to hurt anybody but i also don’t want to avoid accountability 4 hurtful actions; i’d most like to delete the post but probably only will if you’re ok with that. and if i ever rb something that includes biphobia or panphobia i’ll do my best to always tag them.

and again i’m so sorry to have rb’d a hurtful post especially bc that runs so opposite to what i want to be doing with this blog & i know that when i’ve found something hurtful shared in spaces i viewed as safe it’s somehow hurt a lot worse than when i’ve encountered hurtful attitudes in places i was expecting it. 

in retrospect the phrasing on that post was Not kind, & didn’t convey the nuance i read into it. my baseline assumption of both bi and pan people is that neither group is inherently transphobic; both identities have extremely similar experiences and my perspective on different lgbtq+ identities in general is that our strength is in solidarity and isolating/separating can be really dangerous to the lgbtq+ community’s ability to thrive and work on making the world better and safer for us all. 

i’m really glad that you’ve found love and support within the pan community and i have all the respect and admiration in the world for my bi and pan siblings in the lgbtq+ community! being able to find folks who share your identity and to find pride in yourself together is so healing and important and i’m so glad for the times i’ve experienced that in my life as well. 

you’re right that all communities do have issues with transphobia, and i normally wouldn’t join in on other identity’s in-community conversations; i thought about that when reblogging the post earlier but i do my best to rb posts asking people to examine if their beliefs and identity might be formed on transphobic assumptions when it comes to all labels and that’s why i did originally rb. i do my best to rb a lot of posts asking wlw to examine potentially transphobic ideas they might hold, because i’m an afab nonbinary wlw and so regardless of the fact that i’m not cis, i have a lot more privilege than trans women do in wlw spaces and i know i need to be doing what i can to make wlw spaces safe for trans women & girls.

and the post i rb’d did just have pretty shitty & confrontational wording, which i didn’t think about when rb’ing it. i’m sorry again for that! 

my reasoning in rb’ing that post was the same as when i rb posts asking wlw to examine their views; not that everyone of the groups in question are inherently shitty in some way, but that we all could use reminders to reflect sometimes and that occasionally people will be misinformed or have a shitty view/shitty views - but that that’s not the norm. i also felt more ok rb’ing this post bc i for a very long time id’d as bi, and my attraction as a lesbian still is to women and nonbinary people who don’t feel misgendered by the attraction of a lesbian; some people would call me bi for that, but it’s a common lesbian experience. i really relate to what you said about choosing pan because it really clearly sends the message that you’re attracted to people regardless of gender, bc i chose lesbian as a label bc it sends the message that i’m Not attracted to men! it’s about how i want people to see me.

my reading of the post was connected to experiences i had with some pretty shitty transphobic ex coworkers; they didn’t know i wasn’t cis, but a number of my coworkers at the time were bi. transphobia/biphobia tw for the rest of this paragraph/ the ex coworkers were pan and they adamantly told me/other coworkers that bisexuality was attraction to men and women whereas pansexuality was attraction to men, women, and trans people. my assumption based off of them wasn’t that pan people are transphobic/that pan as an identity is inherently transphobic, but that they as individuals sucked and were transphobic & biphobic?

that experience does touch on what the post was about though, i think. since the bi manifesto written in 1990 “official” definitions of bisexuality have been stating that bi doesn’t just mean attraction to men and women, and that there are more than 2 genders; it’s society’s biphobia that causes people to think that bisexuality isn’t inherently inclusive of more than 2 genders/inherently inclusive of trans people. its clear to me that you know there’s overlap in the communities and that you’re not transphobic and again that’s my baseline assumption of pan or bi people! ik that stinkers are always the exception in communities.

i rb’d the post because i think self reflection on internalized bs is good, and i didn’t realize how confrontational & potentially shitty the post was; i’m really sorry that i rb’d it and made my blog feel unsafe & i’m going to do my best to be more thoughtful in the future. i hope that me sharing why i rb’d it doesn’t come across as an excuse, either; i’m just hoping knowing my intentions might help w/ the experience. 

(if ppl must know, link to the post here )