#I'm feeling very dumb and drained rn

[babykittenteach]

Some Ed studies for the evening.

[overandundertarot]

pick a picture; something positive in your life rn!

Hello. There is always something in our lives that we can appreciate more, something that we may not notice but it can brighten our day! This reading aims to shine some light on that and hopefully raise your spirits!

Pick a picture; (1-4)

Pile 1;

Pile 1 you have your culture! I get that your culture is very community based and lively. You just have to go outside to feel the rythym of your nation. Scenes coming to mind are music on the street, public celebrations where the whole neighbourhood comes in to rejoice. If you're not in a place to have direct acces to your culture you can definitely seek it out online! Through videos and popculture content, your mood would definitely improve! The nostalgia and love for your nation shines through. Some of you definitely come from cultures of melanated people; Africa, South America, even the diasporas in america or western countries. You have recently been ruminating on past mistakes and actions. You probably already know by now that your inner thoughts and self talk have a huge impact of your daily reality, constant self deprecation can have adverse effects on your mental health. I',m getting that you really don't need me to tell you this and it's somehting that weighs you down on top of everything else. oouuf. For some in this pile, you are simply feeling nostalgic and thinking about the what could have beens because you've made a big move/change(could be physical relocation) or are about to and are feeling a sense of trepidation. Either way, it's good to forget about your problems for a while right now. Indulge in your culture and nostalgia, reminisce about all your childhood experiences growing up in your community, the quirky habits of your family members. Think about and lean into the times that you were happy in the past!

Pile 2;

Hi pile 2, you need to lean into your fun and crazy friends. People with whom you can be accepted fully. Your individuality! Playful expression of your authentic self especially when you feel like you have to stifle it to produce a more easily digestible persona for other people. They don't understand the genius behind what you do and call it weird, but so what!? Something positive in your life right now is that you have the chance to express yourself and have fun! Don't waste it, go be silly with your friends, make childish art. Be playful and dumb. Distilling every step of your creative process to make it more palatable to other people is robbing you of your joy and doing nothing for your art! You may be working with some people at work or school or whatever aspect it may be in your life. I'm seeing that its specifically on something intended for public viewing/presentatipn and while you may have initially been excited about it you feel suffocated by the other peoples influence now. Release this frustration by allowing yourself to have your own creative release and nurturing time alone. Make sure you are giving to yourself, and producing work that YOU are satisfied with, no matter anyone else's opinion on the matter!

Pile 3;

Hello lovely pile threes. You have the fruit of your hard work to appreciate in your life right now! You're breaking out of old habits and starting to look on the bright side of things! For some of you, you've recently gotten out of a relationship that was draining you for a while and you're feeling a HEAVYYY sense of relief. For others, its an issue of self worth that you're finally feeling like you're letting go of. Baggage has been released! Life has been good for you lately, you've been going out, having fun, talking with friends long into the night, laughing more. Definitely, you've seen an improvement in your friendships. There's lighter energy. You've stopped taking things so seriously. I feel like this pile has been feeling such a sense of appreciation for seemingly mundane things that you used to gloss over. Your cup of tea in the morning, the food you eat, the trees outisde your house. Everything is beautiful for you right now and carries hope. You're playful and looking to enjoy life, no strings attached!

Pile 4;

Hello Pile 4, you seem so weary. You may have been drawn to pile 3, so check it out if you feel exceptionally drawn to do so! Pile 4, you defer from pile 3 in that you have not yet broken out into the hopeful, joyous state of release. What you have to look forward to is hope. Hope that things will get better for you. It seems at every turn, its just gotten worse. Things only work out for other people and for you its perpetual suffering right? WRONG! Thats not true. You're in a depressive state right now and you may be leaning into self pity heavily from time to time because that feels like the only way you can get release. However, you keep working towards a better future and IT'S COMING! Keep holding on! This pile reminds me of the song Please,Please,Please, Let Me Get What I Want by the Smiths. Give it a listen I feel like the people in this pile may resonate with it. There are some difficult things you need to do to get out of this limbo and experience real change. You've been putting them off for so long, but you need to go through with them. There's a concept in psychology known as impact bias.(look into it!)Its basically where we overstimate our reaction to future events. In this case its a perceived negative event in the future. Trust me when you do it you'll feel more glad than sad, you'll find that when you're living through the moment you'll feel much less worse than you expect yourself to do. And don't forget the after, there's a reason you have to go through whatever it is that you're procrastinating and it'll result in a happier you.

*****

That is all :) I loved doing this reading I feel like it lifted my spirits too! If it resonated, don't hesistate to tell me. Feel free to leave any feedback here under this post or in a reblog. If you liked the post please like it and reblog! :) Hope you have a wonderful day and see you in the next reading!

[totallynoteggos]

lol hey this is just a vent post abt my life rn I don’t really expect any on u to read this

Tw if you do read this: talk of Anxiety, ppl not understanding neurological limitations, talk of vauge self exit and SH (its very minor) overall vent post shit

Sorry u have to see me in such a shifty mental state but I need to get this off my chest before I resort to violence

Once again, not KND stuff this is a Vent Post

I’m not neurotypical by any means I'm on some spectrum but all we know so far is that I have OCD and Anxiety. Also I'm going into the 9th grade which that In of itself is a stressful situation but in the last four years I've never stayed in the same school so seeing the same people is hella new to me. I have this really bad habit of going no contact with people after the school year is over because I usually never see them again. My mom can't seem to understand that there are simply things I can't do because of the anxiety & OCD (and I'm not using this as a reason to act out or defy her) abt 2 weeks ago we went to get food, now usually I order my food to make sure I get what I like and not have a mixup. And pls notice this was after a week long “vacation” that ended up being stressful and draining. But anyways there was a mixup and I ended up with a burger with all toppings instead of plain, which caused me to panic because I was hungry and stressed before already. And instead of trying to accommodate she stood firm in her beliefs that I need to get over it and just eat the damn burger. And I heavily insisted on not eating it and eating the fries instead. After a argument (and at the instance of my grandma) she bought me another burger and while in line I told her outright that there are some things that I physically can't do or else they send me into a panic. She that said that she “gets that” but I don't have to act out In front of my grandma which she idolized. And now like I said with the whole start of school she's saying “it wont be your best years if you don't let it be your best years” but I don't think she understands that I don't know how to do that. I've moved around a lot and I've been made fun of a lot due to my interests, hobbies and simply just to be the clown. Most of the people I befriend end up getting annoyed or just keep me around until I say something that doesn't make me the dumb and “quirky” one. And like I said I suck at keeping contact and now everyone still has their old friend groups and mine just see me as a joke or weirdo now. Its stressing me out so much and its only been two days, hell yesterday I would have thrown up from the stress but because I was so stressed I didn't eat shit so I didn't throw up. School stresses me out so much it's unimaginable, its the people, the sounds, the halls, the fact that people won't leave you alone, someone always talking or screaming, just please shut the fuck up so I can learn and be out of here. And god its so fucking hard not feeling what everyone else around you feels. My moms getting upset at me for not wanting to go on the busses when I have gone on one and it left 20 fucking minutes from my house cus the lady was screaming and I got scared as was about to cry. And now she wants me to try again with kids I don't fucking know who some how don't know personal space or manners. And back to the emotions things, why the fuck don't I feel the same as them, god I feel so fucking robotic compared to my mother and everybody else but they also make me feel like a god damned mutt. On one hand they think it's weird that I don't want to talk or to Interact but somehow don't realize that it's their fault I don't want to, and on the other hand whenever I'm upset or angry and actually show it its MY fault. Because apparently since I'm the youngest of my family im supposed to have the personality of pinkie pie and I have no problems. And because I'm quiet, friendly or just shy and I'm supposed to control my emotions because I'm a “young lady”. I've tried talking to my mom about home school because my school has that as a option but she says that I can't hide when she's been doing that too. Sometimes I feel like she cares more for the happiness of those she wants to impress rather than that of her family. But god if all of life feels like this then count me out cus its too much to be alive right now. I think ima take a shot or three of night quill and hopefully sleep until ITs to late to go to school

Goodnight

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary302

7/17-18/24

wednesday - thursday

tired tired tired... up too late rn.

so that means soon i sleep.

some good stuff w/ music today, i got to work on some stuff, another track has been exported so i can listen and see what i think about it, it certainly is a weird one, i want it to be the opener cuz i think the chorus is super catchy in a way that will surprise people, but idk about that honestly. to someone like me though, it is cute and fun. i wanna figure out vocals for that. i also figured out the issues i think with the other song re: drums/ease of understanding it/following what it does. i had to simplify one pattern a bit, make it less idk, offbeat basically.

anyway, outside that, today was errands day... i was able to get pizza too and there are leftovers. my gf was very tired today though, cuz she got in at 3 am yesterday and had to quit the job because they were like, wednesday is a mandatory day, and she was like, i can't do 7 pm to 7 am, and then they were like, well okay. and so that's that. it's not like it would have been too much longer than this anyway. i just feel bad for her cuz she was doing that so much she didn't really have time to process how draining that was for her, so she's kind of crashing today.

anyway, what else. my gf's brother is driving her mother truly coo coo bananas, it's very sad to see. i hope he will become not awful soon. obviously he won't but you know. oh and i felt cute today, at least, or mostly, it's very strange how i will oscillate but part of it really is being able to dress up, i suppose. i didn't take selfies though. idk, i should have, to document it. i feel dumb for not. isn't that so weird? the need to collect proof of feeling cute/ see if i ought to, that's so psycho generally, but the sense i missed out, i feel like i'm lying just putting it in text. something's wrong with me but it just goes too deep to really deal with. or deal with here. it's just me being crazy.

anyway, my gf is doing better now, she'll be even better tomorrow, the whole experience has made her more grateful for the kind of work she already does, she is not used to doing anything very physical, and she did way too much of it in too short a time. i've done more over my whole life but to be like, worked so hard over 4 days is majorly fucked, and it's so hot outside, this warehouse she was in had like little to no ac, probably just some swamp cooler somewhere in the massive thing. maybe i should not have encouraged her to sign up for this because it sounded so crazy and funny... but some parts of it were crazy and funny, but i can't describe those, so do your best to #imagine.

uhmm,, what else. ... too many people dming me on discord right now. it is 3 am... i want to sleep .

it's weird. everything just feels weird. i wish i were not feeling so weird. i don't know what i feel weird about. it's almost like a pregnancy. i dunno. i keep thinking about pregnancy. do i wish i could get pregnant? not really. i wish for other things. if i listed all the stuff i wished for, if i got it all, i think i'd just turn to smoke cuz it's so self negating half the time. i wish my hips were a little wider. i wish i was prettier. i wish i were what i am. i wish i weren't anything. i wish people didn't look at me. i guess people keep wishes so they can have little hypocrisies and discard them just as quick but i hold onto everything . i don't eat all of any animal, but i guess i want to eat all of myself.

why am i thinking about pregnancy though? it's weird. it's been a thing for a while in my head, never before has it been like this. i guess there's something like, can i carry anything to term? am i fertile in any way? i can't imagine myself as anything other than,.. idk, not giving, i'm not motherly certainly, i am very cold, or i think of myself as being cold but i think really i'm sort of just weird emotionally and my gf says i'm sweet and stuff anyway, i'm not giving or warm in normal ways, i think i act too immature to really be warm in a mothering way, but i am, i don't want to say productive or useful, i guess generative is the better word, doing things, i guess i've always, since knowing the word, which has been for a long time cuz i've known it since middle school i imagine, or earlier, the word gestating. i feel things inside me gestating, and have felt that, a resonant chamber inside myself too. i don't know. i don't want a womb, this isn't like, me saying the opposite of how i feel. it's just strange, that this is anything inside my head at all.

final thing before bed, it's also strange how of all people one might need to contend with as a cultural influence, lana del ray is one of them, that she is still the producer of images of what people wish they were, what they are, what they think things should be like, a weird nostalgia which doesn't refuse the present, i guess this fantasy that right now is also the past maybe. i wonder if i'm off in the same ways, or if we all are, if that nostalgic illness is something we're all dealing with. i would like to say no, because i would like to not have to think about anything mark fisher said, not out of hate just cuz i want to move on from that whole moment where everyone was so dour about the idea the past could be strung up like a corpse, carved, repurposed, material, just flatly a material basis and set of methods to dissolve/digest, put those functions to rest and see what rises once again. i also do not care for lana's music, it is weird though that even her visual aesthetic/fans of her aesthetic + pose have crept into producing images / maintaining lines to images/things i like seeing. it feels odd. also a lot of those girlblogging blogs give off such evil vibes, half the time i feel like the ways they are, are just transphobic, i feel as if i am witnessing terfs, i feel fairly certain in fact, it's just all so weirddddd.

anyway , sleepy sleeepy sleepy , so,

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[hereisnotinhere]

November 8th 2021 - April 24th 2023

Life's been a mess, it has been like that for over a year. Eheh I've been through hell and no one noticed, I asked for help and no one took it seriously, I begged and cried for help and I was taken as a joke... Until I snapped... It is what it is, I'm the one to blame I digged my own hole, I don't regret it tho cause I was the one who took me out of it, but rn I know what I want and I've been knowing for quite a while.

I'll keep pretending everything's fine when it's not, just like I'll keep pretending I don't know stuff when I'm very aware of things and I know shit, but I like to preserve my peace and pretend I'm dumb. There's a lot of things I'd like to say but I prefer not to, because I've been admitting a lot of my feelings, of what's happening and what I think... I do regret every single word I've said, even tho I meant everything and even tho it had some positive outcome, this is mostly because I'm not used to share what's actually happening in my life, I like to avoid that, but this time I'm going to write a small part of it, because why not, closing this chapter in a way.

My trust issues are worse than ever, there's only one person I truly trust but I still can't fully open up about what I'm feeling, what's happening in my life, how my overthinking is killing me, because I know what happened last time I did it and I'm not doing that shit again.

Sometimes it feels like I'm losing myself, my identity. I miss the energy I had, my vibe, it's still there but feels different but I'm starting to vibe with it, I'm always so tired, I have a hard time falling asleep again, sleeping schedule is all fucked up, I'm always overthinking but can't think straight when I need to, I fell in love with isolation fucking again but it's so peaceful I sweaaarrrrr, I don't want to talk to no one, but I'm always prepared to be there when the ones I care about need me, doesn't matter how I'm doing, being able to be present for them and help them is a part of me that I would never let go.

Sometimes is really hard to manage everything I'm dealing and feeling, because I'm a very rational person and when things don't add up it gets really confusing since what I know and what I feel are in complete opposites...

Sometimes I go for long walks because I'm always so fucking mad, but I don't show it...

Sometimes I just turn off my feelings because it gets too painfull for me to be able to work properly, and it's getting easier and easier to do it...

Sometimes I feel so fucking exhausted, in ways I never thought it was possible...

Sometimes I just want to grab in someone and lay on the grass and just lose ourselves, I love that shit tbh...

Sometimes I feel so mentally drained, too many times actually, I legit feel like my brain is about to give up I'm not even joking...

Sometimes I just don't give a fuck, and what I mean by this is is not giving a fuck to the people that are close to me, it's just sometimes, the rest of the world can go fuck themselves that hasn't changed...

Sometimes I feel so empty but so calm...

Sometimes I just want to be held in silence...

Sometimes I just want to give up on everything...

I've noticed I'm becoming more cold and distant, and yet there's only a few people that sometimes feels like my heart is falling apart, not in a bad way tho, but more because of how much love I have for them, how much I care for them, how much I want them to experience happiness, and how much I want them to keep being part of my life.

It's has been a long "fun" ride, it's getting better, I mean I'm doing better than I was and it's so fucking rewarding feeling this good which is kinda sus ngl, but that's probably why I'm writing all this, I know there's a lot of things that's still going to happen soon, probably bad but hopefully being balanced with good things, idk man I'm just curious how's everything going to line up.

[punkscowardschampions]

Rio & Buster

Rio: Oi, McKenna! Has Nancy got butch or did I see you out in my ends last night? Buster: Calm it Cavante 🤒 you got a lingering enough look to answer that yourself and you know it Rio: Well, when you see a ghost, like. Call it disbelief, didn't know mans were allowed to haunt anywhere but Chelsea? Soho, if your boys are feeling really wild Rio: Get lost on your way to 11, did you? Buster: I got bored ghosting the elite figured I'd give a new hunting ground a go like. Plenty to be said for slumming it down 24 so I've been told. Buster: Once I've had my go on Bonos specs I'll pass them down since you can't tell me from my twinnie Buster: Can't escape those hand me downs even as the eldest in your ends, eh? Rio: Figures. Yeah, I can see you with the wanky red getup and the hound dogs...Tally ho! Rio: Not everyone can hang but you didn't get glassed, or mugged, so you musta passed for scum enough to keep your chainz...Congrats? Don't know how you feel about that either way Rio: Its a look I could rock Rio: No shade to Nance, been a while since I've been seeing double though, init...You didn't forget the postcode, so what's your excuse? Buster: Been fantasizing about me a lot then? 😉 Buster: Musta been the peeps in proximity 😂 Buster: Same. Lucky us. Buster: Who needs one. Come and go as I please, don't I? There was nothing to take my fancy down this way Rio: If I was into Poshos, I'd go for the real deal, wouldn't I? Rio: Nah, ain't no one out here got your back, don't let the 🍀 genetics we share fool you, I'd pay to see you get a whuppin' 😏 Rio: Not even your twinnie then, nah? Waste Buster: 👑 Buster: Drop the 💰 then. I know you've got it Buster: Here's the thing, in the city we have things called phones and laptops. Proper useful they are Rio: Tempting offer but I got better. Rio: You'll be the first to know if I get desperate, yeah? 😉 Rio: When's the last time you phoned home? Rio: What I thought Rio: Aside from being boring/bored in the big city, what's your bag these days Rio: assuming you ain't still playing dress up and five aside like the good ole days Buster: Tempting offer but I don't need to resort to the dregs of Dubo quite yet 😏 Buster: I live there I don't have to ring in Buster: 24 isn't my area as you so often remind me Buster: Armani usually Buster: Why you so interested? Bored/boring in the mountains, yeah? Rio: Yeah, but she don't, tit; don't play dumb, boy Rio: Being polite, I still got the manners I was raised wit Buster: Let her take the plane or pick up the phone. She knows where I am, I'm not the one who moved Buster: My au pair musta skipped 'em. Can't get the staff I guess 🤷 Rio: Good to know she still the mature one, even if you FINALLY got taller than her, huh Rio: Even rich white boys can't have it all Rio: What a world, eh? Buster: Woe's me Buster: must be 'cause you snatched up all the 🍀 Buster: damn irish Rio: not sorry 😏 Rio: lemme guess, you make your own luck, right? Buster: Didn't think so. Save the regret for the 🐵 you were with Buster: 🤞 Rio: save it, end of. don't do that shit. what's the point? Rio: 🙉 Buster: 🙇 save the speech while you're there 😴 Rio: oh honey, i know talking instead of grunting n bein monosyllabic is hard but do keep up 🙄 Buster: What's the point? Buster: Nothing in it for me, is there? Rio: You won't get if you don't ask Rio: Try it sometime, you might surprise yourself Rio: and any poor girl you're attempting to chat up Buster: Like I said, no point. I get everything I want without trying already Rio: So you reckon Rio: but if you do, why you such a mardy cunt? 🤔 something ain't right, chief Buster: Yeah. I wasn't asking for your opinion sweetheart so no need for you to reckon anything Buster: 🤔 must be a reflection of who I'm speaking to Rio: 'Course Rio: Its always someone else's fault, ain't it, that's rule no.1 of your type Buster: Nah not always just rn 🤷 Rio: well i'm down the wright tonight so best steer clear and find somewhere else to be the life and soul 👍 Buster: will do Buster: no shortage of better offers 💋 Rio: right, you're draining the dregs, i'd say enjoy but is that even possible for yas? Buster: You done? You're draining my battery Rio: no, not yet Rio: granny saw your instas and she said you better visit her and grandad before you leave Rio: enjoy 😂 Buster: I'll be far too busy with my poor neglected twinnie what a shame Buster: thanks for the continued heads up of where to avoid though 👍 Rio: You're aware she lives with them, yeah? And the party scene, ain't hers, so like fuck is she gonna come meet you when you're already too many drinks and bitches deep 😂 Rio: Poor baby boy Buster Buster: Let me worry about that Rio: I know you will Rio: Might never happen, smile some! Buster: Cheer yourself up first babe Buster: I'm perfect here Rio: To be sure Rio: I'll get the 🐵 to do his level best Buster: Yeah he'll need to try very hard Buster: Unlucky there Rio: you could give him pointers on being try-hard, fancy that excuse for not seeing your fam? Buster: I'd have to get you outta the way first, doing your damnest god love ya Rio: hahaha mad deflection skills bruh Rio: i'm outy, you two can have all the alone time, seeing he's caught your eye so Rio: i'm not in that deep, i'll let you have him, on the house Rio: welcome to ireland 🍀 enjoy ur stay Buster: thanks but no thanks. Do your own dumping Buster: you love to keep that 💰 close, eh? Buster: 👋 Buster: Catch me spending mine when you're over pretending your parents are broke Rio: we ain't the ones pretending, new money Rio: they'll never accept ya, enough to give anyone the complex you rocking better than any of those brands, boy Rio: ✌ Buster: 'Course not 👍 Buster: Didn't ask 'em to but didn't ask for your diagnosis either and here we are Buster: 😯 Rio: Your rents did, that's the real kicker Rio: you didn't ask for none of this, be sure to feed that line to your real therapist when the time comes, Patrick Buster: good old copy and paste has me covered Buster: thanks again for the concern Rio: someone's gotta Rio: you hit 16 and they take away your fit au pair, what you gon' do but turn out like this? Buster: girl you're obsessed. My back ain't even the best part Rio: 😵 boy, you're twisted, forreal Buster: 👌