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elvenbeard · 1 year

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To Bad Decisions

Notes: aka the "I love you"-game-of-chicken story inspired by this otp ask game the other week! @wanderingaldecaldo here you go xD First I wanted this to be just light-hearted fluff and fun, but then the angst grabbed me and it got looong, hence to be continued under the readmore!

Cyberpunk 2077 drabble, Kerry Eurodyne x V, set a few months post-ending, rated M for the opening paragraph mostly XD

V struggles with putting his feelings into words, scared that Kerry might be catching on - or is he potentially struggling with the same thing? No, that can't be, right?

The first time V almost said it out loud would have been at one of the worst moments possible to do so: pinned down on their bed, on his stomach, Kerry fucking him so good his head was spinning, barely able to even think a coherent sentence.

“I - …” he gasped, but caught his breath just in time, closed his eyes, and buried his burning face in the heavenly cold pillow.

“You…?” Kerry purred into his ear, out of breath as well, and that alone almost sent him over the edge. He didn’t recall what he ended up saying, a jumbled mess of words and noises… but thankfully not the three originally on his mind.

It was silly, really. Firstly, that he struggled so much with just expressing what he felt, and secondly, trying to find the perfect moment to do so when such a thing would never exist. Or well, maybe perfect moments did exist, but he always only seemed to recognize them once they were gone. The morning after the yacht trip, when they’d woken up together in Vs bed, warm and safe and comfortable, just peacefully existing side by side… Kerry blinking at him through tousled hair, smiling softly… that had been a perfect moment, it would have felt right. But it also would have been way too soon. They’d known each other for how long, two weeks maybe? Three if he counted the whole mess surrounding the organization of the SAMURAI reunion, but that had been mostly Johnny doing the talking, not himself. At that time, V had still feared his feelings could have been just brought on by Johnny actually, and whatever kind of thing that had been going on between him and Kerry a long, long time ago… that with Johnny the butterflies and their connection would also disappear, sooner or later. That it was not right to lead Kerry on, should it eventually happen, no matter how much he’d already liked him on that one perfect morning, on that beach, on that balcony…

But then his feelings didn’t fade. Things were different now, but better than V could have ever dreamed of. Kerry made him happy in a way he hadn’t deemed possible anymore, after all that had happened, after so many past disappointments. And yet, or maybe because of that, he couldn’t silence the nagging voice in his head – his own this time – that for whatever absurd reason Kerry didn’t feel the same. That by saying what he felt out loud, he’d ruin everything, again, for both of them.

“Remind me, what’s the plan for today again?” Kerry yawned as they sat in the kitchen the next morning, the scent of freshly brewed coffee and scrambled eggs still hanging in the air.

“That one client I told you about… Cancelled last minute because “something important” came up. Again,” V muttered, scrolling through the sheer never-ending list of appointments on his holo.

Kerry scoffed.

“Told ya. It’s never gonna happen. This is what, the fourth time he’s postponed?”

“Guess you’re always right after all,” V teased and got up to put their empty plates and mugs in the dishwasher.

“’Course I am,” Kerry said; after a short pause he added “But it’s his loss, not yours.”

“True,” V said, “And it also means I’ll have an hour or two of spare time to fill around three. Could swing by the studio, if you want?”

He didn’t reply for a few moments, causing V to look up from the dishwasher. Kerry sat leaned on the counter, his chin resting on his hand, and he stared at him with an expression he couldn’t quite figure out.

“I… would love that,” he then said with a smile, but for a split-second V thought he was going to say something else, his heart beating harder and faster instantly.

“Bring some coffee and bagels maybe?” Kerry added with a wink and V laughed.

“Sure thing.”

Maybe it was not even necessary to say anything out loud. Never touch a running system. Why accidentally ruin something that was working out so well, against all odds? Living with Kerry felt so easy, so natural. Of course, it wasn’t always smooth sailing. They’d had their struggles and fights over the silliest and also the most serious things. But there was never malice, and they were constantly working on their communication, stating their needs, their wishes, and getting to know each other’s boundaries. Kerry was a lot more in touch with his emotions and feelings than V though. Maybe that was something that just came naturally with age and life experience. Or it was just how he’d always been like, not afraid to state his mind. V had always struggled with showing or even allowing feelings. Surprisingly, Kerry was still just as good as him, maybe even better, at masking his real intentions around people whom they did not concern – be it managers, medias, even fans and the like. A long-honed craft for sure, his badass, laidback rockerboy persona, and essential to surviving in the corporate-run world the music industry was. V knew from his own experience only too well that everything you said, every hint of weakness you showed, would be exploited and used against you mercilessly and shamelessly – for money, for power, for fame.

When they were alone though, or around their closest friends, Kerry was so much softer around the edges… carried his heart on his sleeve, really. Or so V had thought.

“Alright, gotta bounce,” V yelled, grabbing his sunglasses from the counter before rushing to lean over the sofa’s backrest to give Kerry a quick peck on the cheek, “I - …”

Fuck.

“I… will give you a call if anything unexpected comes up.”

Kerry looked up from his guitar, one eyebrow slightly raised.

“Alright, come back safe,” he then said, reaching up to grab his collar and pull him back in for a proper kiss.

“’Cause you know, I…” he paused as their lips parted, again causing V’s breath to hitch for a moment, “I still need you.”

He smiled that heart-melting smile he was so good at, and V was half-tempted to call the client and tell her he’d run late, or just cancel altogether. Reluctantly he pulled away and walked out the door.

In the elevator he kept wondering though if “I still need you” was really what Kerry had been meaning to say.

Over the course of the following week, V kept noticing more and more of these little moments, caught himself almost slipping up a lot more often. At first he wondered if Kerry was as aware of it as himself. So many “I… hope you’ll have a good day”s, “I – will miss you”s, “I… I’ll talk to you later”s couldn’t just be flying past him. The longer it continued on, the more he wondered if maybe, just maybe… Kerry was playing along on purpose? Or was he also avoiding just to say the words, out of fear to mess things up between them? He couldn’t quite believe either option. Maybe he just ignored it, to not make it even weirder, or maybe it was not as obvious as V thought.

By the end of the week, V asked himself, did it actually matter? That they said it, if and when they said it, who’d be the one to say it first, if at all? Maybe he was overthinking it. He knew he loved Kerry, more than he’d loved anyone before. And he did feel loved by him just as much. Sure, it would be nice to hear it out loud, now and then, but maybe actions did speak louder than words. Little gestures, touches, just being near each other, picking the other up when he was feeling down, being encouraging, or sometimes also just silly. Making commitments, promises, and keeping them. Daring to plan for a future neither of them had thought they’d get, together. It was not important to say it when they lived it, is what V decided for himself eventually. Why ruin something, maybe not perfect, but pretty fucking close to it, with a bunch of words so loaded with bad memories and regrets for both of them?

“I… have an itch for new ink,” Kerry said one night at the villa, where they regularly hid away from the noise and the stress of the city for a few days. They had settled down on the sofa together, Kerry lying on his back, his head on V’s lap, Nibbles dozing by his feet. V was running his fingers through Kerry’s hair absentmindedly as they’d been watching a new show on TV. It didn’t turn out to be as good as they’d hoped for though, so at this point it had devolved into background noise to their conversation.

“Where? And what?” V asked, and Kerry gestured across the left side of his chest.

“To compliment the one on the right, kinda,” he said, “But I’m not sure if I’d wanna to go for a traditional design, too, or something else.”

“Well, you have a traditional and a neotraditional sleeve each,” V said, “Could go with something neo for that side?”

Kerry hummed.

“Good point…” he said, “Ooor… something a bit smaller first maybe? After all, I have some space left here.”

He lifted his left arm, twisted his wrist around.

“But I’m even more clueless about that. I guess it’s really just an itch still that might pass…”

“I know the feeling,” V chuckled. After a short pause he asked, “Any tats that you ever regretted getting?”

“Actually… no,” Kerry said surprisingly fast, “I’ve lived long enough to collect all sorts of regrets, but that’s thankfully none of them. Although, this part here…” – he pointed to the crook of his left arm – “That was a fucking bitch to endure. No machine, the ink literally hammered in by hand, for hours. The. Fucking. Worst.”

V chuckled.

“It’s fucking preem-looking though,” he said.

“Beauty knows no pain or what?” Kerry snorted.

“No, not that even,” V said, “More like… it’s worth it to endure the pain sometimes, for the outcome?”

Kerry hummed approvingly, smiling up at V.

“That’s pretty much the tradition. One of the many at least, a coming-of-age ritual. You’re old enough to endure this pain, you’re old enough to endure all other pain life might be throwing at ya at a certain point.”

“I keep learning new things with you,” V smiled.

Kerry shuffled around, then sat up and stretched before scooching a little closer to V again, putting his left arm around him. V’s heart did a silly little bounce in his chest, causing the voice in his head (that sometimes still eerily sounded like Johnny) to say, “What are you, twelve?”. But simultaneously he hoped these little things his body did would never stop happening, no matter how many months… no, years, they’d be getting together. Positive thinking, he needed to remind himself.

“Okay, that was my answer to the regrets-game for today,” Kerry said, “Your turn: what’s the decision you’ve made that you regret the most, looking back?”

“Shit… lemme think a moment,” V sighed, slumping against the backrest and into Kerry’s embrace.

A few things came to mind immediately. Not leaving his abusive home sooner, as a teen… but then he might not have ever met Jackie. Everything would have gone down completely different. Letting Jenkins rope him into working for Arasaka, after thinking he’d left that world behind for good? But he’d be so much more clueless, maybe even careless about how to survive in this corporate-controlled world. He’d be a lot worse at what he was doing now… if he’d ever even gotten this far without what he learned during his time at Counterintel. Maybe one of his many failed past relationships – but he could think of at least one reason for each of them that had let him grow as a person or learn something integral about what he wanted and needed in a long-term partner. The closest he came to almost picking as his biggest regret so far was not taking Evelyn’s offer of screwing over Dex – but at the time there was no way for him to have known how this would all play out. In hindsight, Evelyn hadn’t been telling him the full truth, so his intuition hadn’t failed him completely. If he could change one thing, he would have wished for Jackie not to die that day. But by now he had accepted that it had never been in his power, it hadn’t been his fault… a hard thing to unlearn, blaming himself. Had Jackie not died though – and for a moment he hated himself for the thought – the Relic would have gone to Brigitte. Had Jackie not got hit by that bullet, V’d likely never heard of Johnny Silverhand or SAMURAI besides the occasional radio show…

“Can I be super cringe for a moment?” he eventually asked, turning his head to a snickering Kerry.

“You’ve let me get away with so much cringe already, only fair if I return the favor,” he said.

V took a deep breath, looking down on his hands for a moment, circling his personal link port with his right thumb. Then he blinked back up at Kerry.

“I don’t regret any of my decisions, even the bad ones,” he said, “Because if the summary of all my bad decision means I’m ending up here with you, in this moment… I’d gladly make all the same mistakes again.”

Kerry stared at him, not wide-eyed or anything, but intensely. The tiniest noise escaped his mouth, less than a sigh, but he said nothing. Then, very slowly, his lips curled into a smile. V half expected a snarky remark, but instead Kerry pulled him a little closer and with his free hand took V’s, calloused fingers intertwining with his. He looked away for a moment, and V tried to read his expression, scanning for any hints to give him at least an idea of what was going through his head, if he’d overstepped, said something wrong…

“It’s weird…” Kerry then quietly said, looking at him again, eyes glistening slightly, almost sad, but not quite, “… how you keep managing to put into words what I can’t seem to. God knows I’ve fucked up along the way, over and over again. But if any of that hadn’t happened, who knows if we’d ever even met.”

V smiled, sighing with relief. Kerry leaned over, resting his head on V’s shoulder.

“I know, it’s still scary to think of the future, to plan ahead too far,” he said quietly, “But no matter what happens tomorrow, or in a week, a month, a year… I hope you know that you’re gonna be stuck with me. I… hope you know that… that I love you.”

V couldn’t suppress a gasp, to his own surprise. Kerry still held his hand, his other arm loosely around his waist, when he shifted again to see his face. He looked concerned almost, questioning, worried, but trying to keep up his smile, lips shaking a little. He sat up a bit further, inching away just slightly, and V realized how he’d just been staring at him in shock for the last few moments of silence.

“I… uh, I mean,” Kerry mumbled, voice almost turning frantic now, as if he’d also just realized what he’d said.

V’s hand shot up to grab Kerry’s face, to pull him back, to reassure him. Before he really knew what he was doing he pressed his lips on his, kissed him over and over again, held him close, did not ever want to let him go.

“I love you, too,” he gasped between urgent kisses, and simultaneously it was as if he was able to breathe freely again, for the first time in a long time, “So much. I love you so much.”

“Vince,” Kerry panted, and only with some mild force managed to get him to stop for a moment. V realized how much he was shaking first, and then that he was crying, for some reason. The last time he’d cried was the night he’d stumbled out of Arasaka Tower, more dead than alive. Shit, why now?

“It’s all good, you gonk,” Kerry said softly, cupping his face, wiping his tears away. The same way he’d done that awful, awful night.

“It’s all good,” Kerry repeated, then put his arms back around him, pulling him in, and they just sat there, holding each other, reassuring each other, gently swaying, for minutes that seemed to last hours, until V had calmed down again. Nibbles was quietly snoring, the TV babbling endlessly on low volume, and soft rain pattered against the large windows, Night City’s millions of lights a distant, colourful blur.

“Fuck, I was so scared for a moment that I’d ruined it all…” Kerry eventually said, and V laughed weakly, nose stuffy and throat still tight.

“You were scared? I was scared shitless to say it too soon, or in the wrong moment… I kept almost slipping up… just saying that out loud now, how stupid.”

“Well, you’re welcome then,” Kerry chuckled, “And I was wondering if I was imagining things or if you really just tried your hardest not to say it.”

“We’re both fucking gonks…” V concluded, and Kerry laughed. They slowly moved apart just enough to be able to look at the other again, still holding on.

“Perfect match then, hm?” Kerry smiled with his head slightly tilted, his gorgeous eyes glittering in the lights of the city, “Now we just have to start being less scared of making bad decisions.”

V smiled back at Kerry, vowing to make sure to tell him just how much he loved him at every opportunity from now on.

“Yes,” he said, “To bad decisions.”

“To bad decisions!”

#cyberpunk 2077 #kerry eurodyne x v #cyberpunk 2077 fanfiction #cyberpunk 2077 fanfic #kerry eurodyne #male v cyberpunk #otp: to bad decisions #vincent ezaki #my writing #this story is basically just why I even decided on that ship name for them #it's also the steam achievement's name for completing Kerry's story but it also fits them together with their background so well I think #I dont remember when I've last written so much for just one character/ pairing as over the course of the last week #I'm having such a creative blast rn xD #just gotta gather the courage to start posting that V & Jackie thing that has like 5 chapters already >.>

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