#I'm pretty good with waking up; I'm usually awake around 8am on my days off; but i have an alarm for 6am for work

[autistic-shaiapouf]

if you take adhd meds, heres your solution;

step 1: purchase one of those $8 clocks from ikea with the bells that are obnoxiously loud and annoying

step 2: place the alarm clock, your meds, and a bottle of water on a table, somewhere that requires you to stand up and walk to the clock to turn it off

step 3: when you are inevitably awoken and angered by the alarm, and run to throw it out of a window, make sure to pop your morning medicine immediately

step 4: go back to bed

step 5: you will naturally and peacefully be awoken by your adhd medication kicking in, somewhere between 45 minutes to 1 hour and 15 minutes later

this will not only permit you to wake up consistently at the time you desire, this will wake you up whenever you want. i used to sleep until 1-3pm every day, now i’m doing exercises at 7am. the improvement this has brought to my life is dramatic and life-changing.

i have no clue if you are taking adhd meds, or even struggle with sleep the way i do, but this information is so vital to my life that i’d rather risk making an ass of myself on Anonymous than let someone struggle with what i used to struggle with.

salud!

First of all, I don't think you're being an ass at all! You saw an issue you had personal struggles with and offered help when you found something that worked well, and I at least appreciate the gesture.

Funnily enough, I'm not medicated for my adhd, and the meds I do take are for the evening, but I've seen the clock idea before and the personal testimony drives the point in. My only concern with something like that would be that I live with a few roommates, one of whom has a room next to mine, and idk if I'm prepared to have an alarm like that go off at 6am lmao; something similar is probably worth the investment though, considering how heavily I apparently sleep, which I'm attributing to my trazodone U_U

I think I just need to find something that has enough sound or inputs enough stimulus that it wakes me up consistently, and then potentially work on the distance factor; I don't have a lot of issues with getting out of bed, but since I started taking trazodone I've been sleeping directly through alarms that normally work; I don't wanna use sound but I think I may be down to it U_U if anything, this ask at least reminded me that I'm using a unconventional alarm by leaving my phone on vibrate instead of using actual noise, which is good to remember and lets me know what my next steps are 👍

I think this could also be pretty valuable to anyone who follows me who DOES have medicated adhd + struggles with sleep, so hopefully some other people will gain something from this as well!

[gobletofmilk]

hours of the day ranked

1. 6pm 6pm is the best hour of every day because this is when you are eating dinner. sometimes it doesn't happen in this hour but when it does, this is why we are on earth. dinner. it's also good because you eat dinner then. 

2. 7pm i love this hour because if you have eaten dinner already you have a good 4-5 hours of true free time. you can literally do whatever, spend time with friends, read, write, watch a movie, or do what god herself placed us on this earth to do which is rot in bed and look at phone.

3. 12pm yummy lunch time 

4. 4am I'll fight all of you on this but 4am is here because of that sweet sweet rem. you know how good sleep feels at 4am? you kidding me? this is why i LIVE.

5. 12am there's just something special about midnight you know. it's just cool. if you're still awake the vibes are kinda crazy you know. if you're with friends then the vibes are even crazy er. i love it when it is midnight. 

6. 3pm i haven't been in school for years (like millions of years), but there is no denying the power of 3pm. home time. it's also the peak time in the afternoon. lots of shenanigans to be had at 3pm you know

7. 5pm this is like like school ending but for adults although i don't have a job that ends at 5 i just kind of work whenever and it is so bad for my work life balance because i end up working at the worst times and don't give myself enough time to relax but if i had a normal job this would be the best time

8. 10pm sleepy vibes you know

9. 8pm i really like this time because i'm usually right into a movie or something or playing a game or rotting in bed usually rotting 

10. 4pm it's interesting at this point we are starting to get to the hours i'm not too fond of. don't get me wrong i'm a fan of 4pm, but my brain just turns off around this time every day. i can't get anything done. it sucks. i'm not a morning person or an afternoon person or an evening person tbh.

11. 11pm hey that's a good placement

12. 5am such a risky hour. if you're getting good rem then it is the greatest hour in the world. but if you wake up at 5am and still want to have a little more sleep. god. kill me. it happened to me this morning and it has just ruined my day

13. 9pm it's kind of sad at 9pm because the night is coming to an end and it's like sad and stuff??

14. 1pm i ated all my lunch :(

15. 10am hey this is usually like a snack time so that is good. but you have a whole work day ahead of you and it's like ugh lame you know. if it is a day off though 10am can be pretty exciting. i'm usually rotting in bed around 10am

16. 2pm controversial maybe but this time isn't it. i want to go home you know i don't have three hours of work left in me.

17. 11am the most nothing hour ever created what even happens at 11am

18. 1am not for me

19. 2am like 1am but slightly worse 

20. 3am like 2am but slightly worse

21. 8am of all of the morning hours, this one is the least offensive. you're usually eating breakfast or just commuting and listening to music so hey, it gets a pass i suppose. morning sux.

22. 7am the only good thing about 7am is your bed is so comfortable, but like why can't we take that comfort and move it to other parts of the day. i gotta get up at 7am, don't do that to me.

23. 6am kill me now it's so over

24. 9am imagine being henry time, inventor of time, and thinking you know what is a good idea? 9am? what a fool. i'm so upset this time should not exist. so sick and twisted.

[dzpenumbra]

7/14/23

Good lord, today has been a shitshow. Once again woken up at 8AM, dreams and creaking floorboards. I roll over and go back to sleep, then an hour later... I am woken up... I shit you not... to knocking and a fucking voice yelling out inside my apartment.

The maintenance guy showed up unannounced at 9AM on a Thursday. And he keyed his way into my apartment. I'm hoping him seeing my shoes on the floor was the reason he actually said anything. I honestly don't know.

Looks like those self-protective instincts telling me to be vigilant for intruders in my home... turned out to be spot on. Great. Now this hypervigilance will never go away. I could feel it once I verified the sound was actually maintenance in my unit, it was just yelling "see?! see?! I fucking told you! I was warning you! I was RIGHT!" Even a broken clock is right twice a day, gotta keep remembering that.

I scrambled to put on clothes and get downstairs. The guy had an extra fan blade he wanted to size, to see if it would work as a replacement. It did not. So... he turned around and went to leave. Yep, woke me up for that. Now, this is me on about 5 hours of sleep, which normally isn't that bad... but this the fourth consecutive night of 4-6 hours of sleep. That shit accrues. It stacks. I feel straight up fucking drunk right now, I'm legit delirious.

So... he said he was going to look around for a replacement fan, or maybe order one. I asked when to expect that, he said he'd send an email. After he left, my heart was still going and my eyes were barely open. I was unsure what to do. I just kinda paced around a bit and oriented myself with the waking world. I don't entirely remember what I did. But not too much later, he started knocking on my door again. He found a fan, and I said... okay, we're on. Let's get this shit over with. He had to get a ladder that actually... worked... so he left and I put on a pot of coffee. He got the new fan put on, it's set and running now. Finally. It's been like 4 days.

But something weird happened. I mean... the whole situation was insanely weird, in hindsight. The dude shows up at my door after saying he's going to order a part and get back to me... he doesn't order the part or get back to me... he shows up with a salvaged piece from a different model of fan... three days later. I specifically asked in the email I sent to the manager that he drop by after 3pm since I'm on a weird schedule. The first time, he did that. Then... this time, he just shows up at 9AM for no reason at all. Which was insanely disruptive. But, me being the super nice pushover I am... I just got out of bed, made coffee and struck up a nice conversation about the crazy weather as I started working on my digital art project with him on a ladder next to me. Not telling him to fuck off and come back after 3, like I specifically asked in the email. Why? I'm scared of confrontation. I want to be nice. And I'm already fucking up. The damage is already done. He already keyed into my goddamn home, we're ending this now.

The weirder thing that happened? Like... every sentence I spoke? He couldn't hear me. He needed me to repeat literally everything I said. Again... because I am constantly tiptoeing around my apartment, and whispering. And I'm usually awake all night while everyone else is asleep and no one has complained yet, so... I'm guessing I'm pretty good at being quiet? I never speak loud. I never even really have opportunities to use my full voice. So... no shit? I guess? No shit my voice has disappeared?

It was a bit haunting though. Like I said last night, I used to be a goddamn singer. Not only that, a screamer. A metal vocalist. I used to sing full-bore in the shower every single morning. I got really good at singing from that. Now? Now, I'm talking at a comfortable volume to someone 10 feet away and he can't hear me.

So which came first? Did I end up in isolation because I wasn't seen or heard? Or am I not seen or heard because I'm in isolation? Chicken or the egg? In the end, it's just sad.

He finished, the fan is set up and running, that chapter is over. I played Hades for a while. It was actually a pretty nice day out. I was planning on taking a nap and then going skating. I was way too tired to just go skate then. I finished my pot of coffee, put a coat of oil on the beads... Honestly, I don't really fully remember much of the day, it's all been a blur. But around noon or one, I ended up eating a big bowl of Raisin Bran with almond milk (yep, I've become that guy) and passing out. Successfully.

I woke up to more creaking. It gets to the point where it's like a sick joke or something. I don't even bother with the headphones anymore, I feel like they might actually hurt unless I'm blasting something, because they neutralize the sound of the fan... which is covering up the creaks... and it ends up actually isolating the creaks... so... not a super effective solution unless I'm playing something loud directly in my ears that covers up those sounds. That option is still on the table.

I woke up and it was... a sickening yellowish grey out. I was a bit afraid I overslept until dusk... but I checked my phone and it was only mid-afternoon. I got another couple hours of sleep. It felt a bit cold... so I check the weather and... sure enough... there was a storm rolling in, and it was starting... 10 minutes from when I woke up. Like it was literally just starting. Crazy timing. So... I missed my window to skate.

But that turned out to be okay, because I had a lot of inspiration today for some reason. I finally conceptualized what I wanted to do for my griptape art... at least the start, and I'm going to work from there. Actually for a lot of my representative art.

First, for my trick board, I wanted to do a red-tailed hawk on the tail, and a raven on the nose. Their heads, in profile, likely looking the same direction, so that when you shove-it and the board fully rotates the birds are looking the same direction. And I want to paint those with acrylic in color and in detail. And in the center, I want a mandala radiating out to meet them. I think that's a solid design.

I really want to reconnect with animal spirits. I have the owl here, and my other animal I've had representing me has been the chipmunk. And, as much as the chipmunk is very innocent and playful and loveable... I'm afraid I'm identifying too much with it. The timid skittishness and hiding and all that. The Red-tail has been one of my strongest animal connections in my life, I'd like to rekindle that connection. No offense, blue jay. Maybe I'll save a pant-drawing for the blue jay, so it has its special spot.

And the raven? I pulled a tarot card before going to the event in the parking lot yesterday. God that feels like days ago, my sense of time is so fucked. The tarot card I pulled was Six of Swords, which in my deck is an illustration of a woman holding her child, riding a raven over turbulent waters. And... the river yesterday... So... the literal symbolism was a part of wanting to connect there. I've connected with the crow plenty, but have always neglected the raven. I figured it's time. The card is supposed to represent... carrying your conviction through adversity, towards a better future... "a change of mind leading to a brighter future" is what I wrote in my study doc. It was pretty dead on. And the raven is a symbol of wild wisdom. Where I've always seen the hawk as... a scout of sorts, a sentry; precision, vigilance and solitude.

My electric hybrid board, it's a bit more general but I wanted to do the dog god (Anubis) on the tail, and I think I'm going to go with a deer god on top. I'm really feeling pulled towards the deer right now. I've also felt pretty compelled to put a dear head on my beige cargo shorts, the color is right. It's a thought, I think it'd be cool. And I was tempted to put a symbol that represents ahimsa on my green cargo shorts, but... it's a symbol used in the Jain faith, which I'm not fully familiar with... but what I have studied of it was... a bit too much for me. I love the sentiment, but it goes a bit farther than I think I'd comfortably be able to live. Like... I can do vegetarian, but I don't know if I can go vegan... that kinda step a little too far for me. So... yeah, still on the fence with that one.

I did yoga super late, but I did one for my neck and I swear to god every time I do that one it is very humbling but it makes my neck and shoulders feel so much better. That's the one that introduced me to Locust, which I have a very love-hate relationship with. I guess I don't really do enough regular neck stretches, and I'm constantly craning it, doing art and looking at monitors and such. I did my yoga right around when the storm was picking up. It was nice.

After the storm, I was doing all sorts of stuff... but I ended up gathering some books from my bookshelf. I figured it was time to study meditation. So I got my book on modern Druidry that I was studying last summer right until I got to the meditation chapter... because I read a passage where they said you can "suffer neurological damage" if you meditate while inebriated? Like... even on alcohol? Which... I could see as a... deterrent to try to make it clear that young party kids are not welcome... I guess? But like... you have wine and meditation as part of most of your rituals... Just sayin... It felt like fear-mongering. It did not feel like something rooted in truth, it felt like a propaganda statement stated as fact as a way of showing disapproval towards certain forms of practice. And this guy and his school are absolutely entitled to those restrictions, I mean Jains don't even eat eggs, but they consume milk? For some reason? I mean... we all have our reasons. And I get it, and I have my own too, and I respect those deeply. They're part of what make us... us. But for the love of god, don't go around saying "if you meditate when you're drunk you're going to get brain damage". That sounds like the same paranoid shit people in the suburbs were spouting about "don't take apples from your neighbors on Halloween because they might have slipped razor blades in them!" Or "don't let those kids skateboard here, if they fall and hurt themselves they're going to sue you." It really turned me off, so much that I stopped reading the book entirely at that point.

I also grabbed a book by Chogyam Trungpa called Meditation in Action that found its way into my hands... and my copy of Ram Dass' Be Here Now which... I'm pretty sure has a dedicated section in the back about meditation. I don't know exactly what I'm looking for, but I'm sure I'll find it here somewhere. I started with Ram Dass, and started reading the introduction to get more familiar with his story, but I was getting too sucked in and had to go shower...

But first... I glanced at the sky. The storm had ended and it was peach and rose colored. It was gorgeous. I went to my big windows and looked in awe at the sky above. And I decided to draw a tarot card, because it felt like a moment of transition. My prompt being... just a general "what to look out for in the future". I pulled the inverted Seven of Wands. Seven of Wands represents standing in defense against overwhelming odds. And the inversion... a blockage, or difficulty, a disconnect, a dissonance. And that's sorta been weighing on me a bit, because it's true. I struggle with standing up for myself and my rights and my desires a lot, as it's rooted in confidence, and I think my confidence is pretty damn low lately. Mostly because... it's not being fed... it's entirely self-generated by a depressed person and my worst critic - me.

I showered and decided to sing in the shower. I couldn't bring myself to sing loudly, despite the people I would be disturbing being the same neighbors who have fucked up my entire life for four consecutive nights now. I just... held back.

And... I shit you not... I went to get a drink and there was a letter under the door. I couldn't fathom what it could be. My rent and bills were autopay, and they were payed up over a week ago. I... was just baffled. I opened it. It was a lease renewal form. They want me to renew my lease with them, if I want to, and it would have to be done by September. So... I have some time to think. They said they can put some of my deposit towards my first month of the new lease. But... what was really confusing me? There was a new number for the rent. There was my current rent... then my renewal rent which was... $60/month higher than my current rent if received before mid-September. And a renewal rent which is $95/month higher if I renew after that. So... no matter what, my rent is going up. And this is how I'm finding out about it.

It's weird. You'd think you'd like... want to reward people for being good tenants, and renewing their leases. Like... imagine if you were renting somewhere and were a perfect tenant and every year they just keep raising the rent. Like... nothing is changing... I guess it's inflation? Is this normal? I don't think my last house had a rent change in the like... 4-5 years I was there... I don't know.

So... that's confusing for a few reasons. And the worst part is, I don't have anyone to talk to. No one to try to work out my difficulty understanding this concept. Add in the fact that my neighbors have been affecting my sleep so severely that it's forced me to change my sleep schedule and is still affecting my physical health. Add in the fact that... I don't even really go out... I don't even really use the city. I just sorta... get stuff delivered, which I could do in the country... but I have to deal with the inconveniences of the city on top of that. The noise... the loud, oblivious, flat-footed city folk who slam doors and stomp around and scream while they have sex when they have neighbors on all sides. And the forest has been calling me. And I just don't know what the best idea for me right now is, or even what's available. I need to really think about it.

Here's another factor. I found that sustainable trail building certificate course again. It's a year-long thing, including an internship. The college it's at is about an hour drive away, each way. I don't have a car, so I'd have to do that rental shared car thing specifically for that. And it was listing the courses as... a full week... one week a month, in September and November, then a spring "field trip", then another week in april/may... then a May to August internship. $3.5k for the whole thing, full-year certificate program.

Bro, I don't know how to balance that. Where the fuck am I going to live? What do I do with the rest of my time? Am I driving to this college for one hour classes... 7 days a week... for one week... then waiting two months, then doing it again? Can't I just... apprentice under someone? Can't I just say "hey, I'm super interested in what you do and I'll literally uproot my life and devote every day to learning this. Full-time. All I ask is teach me what you know and help me get set up with a job after.

And... do I keep this in consideration for my lease renewal? Is this a real plan? This isn't even a job, this is just for a certificate. I'm just... I can feel the emotional wall, so I'm just gonna say it. I'm scared if I go through with this, I'm going to get fleeced again. Like the tattoo school thing. Where I go, and I'm the best student there, and I do amazing work, and then I go home and... I'm $5k lighter, no license, no connections and no future. And the Tower comes crumbling down.

And I've been a bit insecure about just... calling the college and asking them to do something non-traditional. Or calling people who do this type of work, and asking them for mentorship. I had it work one time in college, when my non-traditional approach of trying to get credits transferred, and having to make presentations to committees of teachers to justify the credits I had already fucking earned at other colleges and all that... that did work. But it's like ever since then, every single time has fallen flat. Every email I send is just... never responded to. Every call, not returned. Every heart-felt 2 page long letter pouring out my story and my soul-deep reasons for why I'm so passionate about this... it just... doesn't go anywhere. Because I'm a stranger. I'm just a random stranger, writing them on the internet. So... it just... feels pointless. I'd love to write like this to someone in the field. Or one of my mentors, my idols. "Hey, I absolutely love what you do. It inspires me every single day. I want nothing more than to do what you do, and I'm willing to uproot my entire life to immerse myself in it." And to not even get a call back... it's like... what's even the point?

So yeah, I'm struggling with all of that. But it's good to have more options, and more info. I just want to make sure I've given this area a fair chance before I pack my bags. Plus... I don't have a car... so how the fuck am I going to move anyway...

I even entertained the idea of asking the building manager to have me switch units. Ideally to one where there isn't someone pacing back and forth stomping on creaky floorboards at both 2AM and 8AM... somehow... I do like having the unit number 111, that's gonna be hard to give up... but the prospect of having a top-floor apartment that might even be cheaper than this one? That's pretty fucking tempting... But... ugh, moving already? I'm kinda attached to this place. I don't know.

Anyway. Big day again. God, I need a day where I just... chill. This is too much. I'm so deeply exhausted. And, because it's already late and I need to read this back... I'm going to stop writing now.