#I'm so tied up (hah!) with work and life and school stuff right now so I don't know how much I can draw for a bit

[pocket-notebook]

He can't be tied down ... just yet

[simpinforyoongi]

Good Bad Day ~

Collegestudent! Namjoon x Collegestudent!reader ~

(i know the pic doesn't suit this oneshot but i just can't omksks)

Pairing: Collegestudent!Namjoon x collegestudent!reader

Genre: Angst, attempted humour,

Warnings: swearing

Summary: When your bully-not-bully Namjoon takes it a bit too far on a day that already had been bad, you snap. But maybe this bad day wouldn't turn out to be so bad after all.

-

Sucked.

If you had to describe today in one word, it would, without doubt, be this. Today had simply sucked.

It sucked harder than that one exam you had to give about which you liTerAlLY came to know on the exam day itself. It sucked harder than that time when you missed your FRIgGIN school trip which you had been waiting for for MONTHS! And it sucked harder than the day you met Kim Namjoon. Yea. And oh boy is that a big statement.

Now,

Allow me to explain part 1:

[Dum dum dum flashback time brought to you byyyyyy 🍑 & 🍦, sweeter than sweet]

In simple words, Kim Namjoon was your bully. But also not exactly??? a bully?? because he didn't really "bully" you. Because if you actually take a minute to think about it, he never physically hurt you. Not gravely at least. But he also was your bully in the sense that he made every-freakin-day a struggle (more so than it already was). His usual acts where making snide remarks when you passed by and sometimes if he was feeling extra cheery, an intentional bump here and there, most of which you dodged skillfully. But that's about it. You didn't really bother replying because who's got that kind of time OR energy?? Not your lazy freaking ass for sure. You simply ignored him all day long, everyday.

How did he become your "bully" , you ask?? Well i suggest you read away!

Now let's get onto the second part,

Allow me to explain part 2:

[Dum dum dum flashback time brought to you byyyyy 🍫 cheeks & 🍫 🦋]

Today's morning was one of the prettiest of the week. Subtle sunlight seeped through your cremé curtains and fell on your face, giving you a sunkissed look and bringing out the color of your irises. You had woken up with a dreamy smile on your lips, obviously from the delicious dream that you had had, about how you were gonna spend your up and coming vacation, traveling and touring the world, seeking out all the gems that these places had to hide. Well, maybe not all the touring and stuff but books and the bed all day are just as thrilling, aren't they? AnYWaYS, so you had pulled your torso up and stretched out your limbs to free them off the stiffness that occurs from staying in bed just a tad too long, and glanced at the alarm clock.

That's where it started to go wrong.

You jUMped out of bed almost tripping yourself on the sheets (almost because you were always good at not falling. The Tripping God's have always been on your side) when you realised that in half an hour, your classes would start.

Then, you had two options:

1)To shower and be late but at least be fully awake. (not smelling like chicken wings and cheese was just a bonus) and

2) To not shower but be on time, but alSo be drowsy and risk running into a tree and going into a lifelong coma (that actually doesn't sound that bad).

You opted for the later because the almighty Gods have gifted you with some almiGhTy weapons for the existence and survival of human kind,

Coffee and Deodorant😎

Hah! Take that life! you had thought.

But life wasn't in the mood to humor you or your fantabulous sense of humour today.

Not showering always had its quirks you know. One of them being you had to brush out your bedhead without the help of any almighty weapons from the almighty Gods. So after actually managing to get ready without killing yourself after what seemed like an eternity of hair-brushing, you finally were ready to go.

But of course, it couldn't be so easy, could it?

One quick glance at your phone told you you had about 11 minutes to get to your class. 11 minutes to cover a path that took at least 18 minutes to cover when you were walking at your usual pace, earphones tucked in cozily.

10 minutes.

You hurriedly put your phone in your bag, put on your sneakers with shaky hands and broke into a run after locking the door.

You had been running for around 10 minutes and you had actually managed to almost reach your college gates. You could see the gates from where you stood, huffing and puffing while your lungs and ribs burned in hellfire. I'd suggest working out a little you know, if you have time.

So there it was, looking like the gates to heaven and calling your name. You again started walking and eventually running, without taking any notice of your shoe laces that had come undone and — thump

Remember how I told you that Tripping God's had always been on your side?? Yea well I think I spoke a little too soon.

You lied on the hard concrete , left cheek in contact with the floor,hands and legs were spread in a random manner.

You lifted yourself up with a frown, with the help of the base of your palms but immediately retracted your hands when your felt a sudden burning sensation.

Great. Simply great.

Both your hands had bruises on them, the left side of your jaw hurt, and there was a minute throbbing in your left side that was surely not from all the running.

But you didn't have time, so you got up, tied the laces and kept running.

But of course, it wasn't enough.

You reached your class ten minutes late. The lecture had already started and the professor was showing a PowerPoint presentation. You timidly knocked, attracting everyone's attention. Again, something that you gravely hated.

Luckily, you had somewhat of a reputation with the teachers. Being somewhat of a good girl had it perks you know. So you got off without any scolding from the professor, after she had asked you why you were late and you supplied the only thing that came to mind.

Woke up late, ma'am.

You took a seat and attempted noting down, but the bruises that you got on your hand were doing their job.

After somehow making it through the first lecture, you had a small gap before your second lecture. So you decided to get a coffee from the café on campus.

After getting said coffee, you were walking down one of the halls to your next class.

All your attention was on your coffee, your warm, coffee colored coffee that was waiting to be finished, which was why you didn't notice when a human pillar bumped into you, spilling all your coffee on yourself in the process.

You jumped when the warmth seeped through the fabric of your (luckily) black T-shirt, and looked up to see who was blind enough to bump into you when there was pLENTY of space to walk.

Uh-huh.

Wrong move.

There stood the devil himself, smirking down at your soaked self.

"I knew you were dumb. Didn't know you were blind too. Klutz" and with a smirk he just left you there without giving you the time to as much as glare at him for completely ruining your T-shirt AND spilling your coffee.

Your stood there in your coffee soaked clothes and teary eyes. But you blinked them away. You won't cry. It's just a bad day. It's just a bad day.

The atrocities didn't stop there. Throughout the day, many joyous things happened.

While going to your third lecture, you missed a step and landed right on your knees, on the sharp edge of another step. And that freaking hurt, believe me.

Then, you managed to trip again, on a freaking pebble, and landed on your palms again, on the freaking gravel. Needless to say, your bruises were increasing with every step you took. The Tripping God's really weren't in a good mood today.

Because of that, you were also late to your fourth lecture, one of the classes that you actually really loved.

One of the classes that had Kim Namjoon in them.

You couldn't concentrate on what the professor was saying because of the constant bickering of Namjoon who sat on the next row. Not being able to tolerate his shit today, you decided to just lay your head down and hopefully get some shut-eye. The professor surely won't notice you in a room full of people, right?

Wrong.

Absofuckinlutely wrong.

You woke up not five minutes later to the tapping of a pen against your desk.

You jumped when you saw the oh so familiar face of your English Lit professor peering down at you.

"Something wrong? Ms. Y/l/n?" He said, pretty seriously, contradicting the usual light hearted mood that the 50 year old was in. Maybe he had a bad day too.

"No sir. I'm sorry. It won't happen again."

"Glad to know." and with that, he walked away. As he did, you noticed a snickering Namjoon, and the possibility of him telling the professor about you occurred to you. But you really just didn't have the energy to speak up about it.

Your fifth and last lecture for the day had finally ended, resulting in you being in a slightly better mood than before.

You were packing your things up. The day had sucked. Everything that happened today was bad. And the fact that you would be getting your results the following week was making you even more stressed. You didn't do your best on the last set of exams, and you were low-key freaking out, but still out of energy to react too much.

With the throbbing ever present in your left side, and the bruises still on your knees and palms still burning, you made your way to the exit of the room.

But life really just couldn't stop itself from kicking you in the guts one last time.

"Hey there, klutz." Standing near the door was your arch nemesis, to put it dramatically, Kim Namjoon, with his group of six friends. Now the weird thing about them was, that they seemed to be cool people. And your first impression of Kim Namjoon was that he was a good, studious and kind boy. You even admired him for his hard work and philosophical essays that your English professor always read out to the class when he scored full marks. But what you didn't expect him to be was a bitchy, annoying and stuck up piece of shit who bullied others(or tried to) without any reason.

"Not today, Kim." You were in no mood today, the day had already been bad enough and you didn't need another one of his snide remarks today.

"Why y/n?? Too tired from sleeping in class??" He commented, as your tried to walk past him, but he followed.

"Hey! Don't ignore me, I'm hurt!!" He said in a mocking tone.

You kept walking, not paying mind to his ramblings, but it was getting harder by the minute.

"I really wonder why our English prof let you off without any punishment when you were sleeping you know. He doesn't usually go that easy on sleeping students. Makes me wonder what you were doing last night."

You stopped dead in your tracks and slowly turned around with a menacing glare. There were still students around and they had heard him, and they stopped all their antics to watch the scene unfold.

Your mind was already heavy from an the shit that happened today, and you were already on the verge of breaking down because of all the pressure that you were under, and this last comment really just hit. You eyes started becoming blurry from the accusation that was just thrown at you, and all these things led to where you are now,in front of Kim Namjoon with blurry eyes, unable to comprehend everything that was happening.

Before you could actually change your mind and walk away, you took a step ahead and spoke with more remorse than anything else.

"WHAT did you just say??" Your voice was laced with venom and this caused him to take a step back. Everyone was watching, but you couldn't care less. This has to stop.

"What did you just say??" You repeated your question. "WHAT did I ever do to you Kim Namjoon?? WHY do you hate me so much?? WHY are you so dead set on making my already difficult life even more difficult?? WHY do you do this?? I already have dealt with enough shit from you! What the fu-k do you think you're doing? Who the fu-k do you think you are and why the fu-k are you always bothering me??" Your eyes were still blurry, but as a single tear flowed down your cheek, the venom in your voice dissipated and all that was left was hurt.

"What did I ever do to you?? Why do you hate me?? Just because I got one fucking mark more than you in one fucking subject?? Because Mr.Song decided that it wouldn't hurt to appreciate my English essays?? Because your ego was hurt that someone other than you was also appreciated by a teacher?? WHAT WAS my fault?? You have made my life goddamned hard and I didn't even do anything to you!" By now both your cheeks were wet from tears streaking down your face and your eyes were red and puffy,the same eyes that shone brightly whenever your answers were correct, or whenever someone says something funny(not that Namjoon noticed or anything). As you kept taking, his eyes travelled to your left cheek, then jaw and he noticed the bruises that were on display. He also remembered how you were not writing anything in class today. Everyone, including Namjoon was utterly dumbfounded by your sudden outburst.

Is she hurt?

"..didn't even get enough time to get my shit together before your started ruining everything for me! I genuinely thought that you were a good, hard working student and i admired you for that!! But THANK YOU for shattering this illusion! THANK YOU for letting be know what a shitty stuck up brat you are! I told you to leave me alone but NO! First you spilled my coffee on me, and now you're accusing me of filthy actions. Do I look like A JOKE TO YOU?? Do I LOOK LIKE SOMEONE YOU CAN JUST PUSH OVER? I try my best to shrug off everything you say but everyone has a limit Namjoon. I know I'm not smart like you, I'm don't ace every test, I'm not the teachers favorite student, I can't do everything right, I always try my best but sometimes it's not enough, and I don't always look my best, i KNOW i look like shit sometimes and I fucking. Know. that I'm not perfect but you don't have to remind me everytime! " Your lips quivered as you spoke your heart. You took a deep breath, your eyes seemed to be overflowing today and you couldn't stop your feelings from flowing out too, while he stood there, eyes wide.

"I hate you Kim Namjoon. I fucking hate you! And I don't want to see your disgusting face ever again!" You hissed, and then speed walked away, leaving a very shocked group of people and a very regretful Namjoon.

--

The following week, you were happy to almost get rid of his presence. Almost

Because the lingering stares that he threw your way were not going unnoticed.

You thought the students were going to start acting weird after your little outburst the other day but luckily, everyone seemed to have forgotten about it. Or they just didn't care enough which is absolutely fine!!

But the constant feeling of being stared at was there.

Throughout the week, you had completely avoided Namjoon. Like sitting as far as possible in the classes you shared, leaving as soon as you caught his sight, and once even crossing the road to get away from him. And somehow you had made it to the end of the week. It was Friday again. And once you got through with the day, you wouldn't have to see his face for another 2 months.

You couldn't wait.

But again, like Deja Vu, as you collected all your belongings and walked towards the exit of the room, you saw him and his gang standing looking right at you.

He had tried to approach you earlier today. About 3 times actually, but you had deftly avoided any type of conversation. You just didn't want anything to do with him.

You searched for ways to escape but the only exit was the door where they were standing.

You took a deep breath and kept walking.

"Y/n please just talk to me once. I'm really sorry about everything please just give me a chance y/n I'll just take five minutes of your time, please. I request you."

You kept walking, even more swiftly than you were before.

"Please just give me a chance, y/n please." He followed you and just as you were about to exit, one of his friends blocked the door, and your only way of escaping. You had seen him around. Not just because he hung around Namjoon, but because he was a junior and quite famous too. You could see why girls swooned over his group of friends. Each and every guy, including the bunny looking boy blocking the door, was gorgeous af.

"Please y/n noona, just let him speak to you. He hasn't been eating or sleeping well these days." The bunny boy exclaimed, and for a moment your heart softened for like a teeny weeny second, but you didn't acknowledge his request.

"Please move." You said in a stern voice. But he didn't of course.

"Look, we know what happened last time he talked to you. But he really had been moping around all fu-king week over this and honestly it's starting to become bothersome. Of what I've seen and heard of you, you seem to be a logical person. Don't you think it'd be easier and faster if you just heard whatever he has to say and then went about your way?" The one who had a constant poker face, not to sure but you had heard people call him Yoongi, said. You contemplated for a moment, and deciding that it's better to get this over with, you turned around to face Namjoon. After all, you were a pretty logical person (😎)

"What?"

As you asked the question, Namjoon was ready to spill everything, every thought he had over the past week, every feeling, every apology. But for some reason, nothing came out of his mouth. He opened and closed his mouth a few times, unable to form sentences.

You tried raising an eyebrow, but couldn't since you couldn't master the art of raising single eyebrows, then looked back at his friends who seemed just as confused as you.

"Are your going to say anything or should I just leave?"

At that he started talking.

"I'm really sorry for everything that i did.." his eyes were cast downwards, "I've been a jerk and I honestly don't know why I did that..i had no reason to and I'm really sorry from the depths of my heart I...I just.." he couldn't comprehend what to say to explain how bad he felt.

"Ok. Fine. Its fine. Apology accepted." And with that, you moved across bunny boy and walked away. This time, nobody stopped you but Namjoon wasn't satisfied as he stared at your retreating form.

-

"But why would she forgive me that easily?? Urghhh" Namjoon was about to pull all his hair out in frustration. You were weird, he knew, but like...what the chocolate brownie fudge?? Nobody just walks off like that after being bothered for so long.

"Yah why are you beating yourself up over this?? Maybe she didn't want to waste any more time over you. Stop overthinking it." Jin exclaimed, already fed up of Namjoons continuous stomping.

"But hyung why wo-"

"Or maybe she likes you. Maybe that's why she forgave you so easily. Maybe she had been crushing on you and that's why she was hurt. mAYBE she's in love with you.Is that what you want to hear, Namjoon??" Yoongi said nonchalantly and Namjoon's face flared up as everyone looked at him.

"W-WHAT ARE YOU SAYING HYUNG.. s-she doesn't like me and i don't like her... Its just.."

"YAH JUST OFFER HER A COFFEE YOU IDIOT" Jin yelled, rather exasperatedly, because man was Namjoon being a pill right then!

He pondered over the suggestion for a moment. He did spill your coffee on you. And you seem to like coffee quite a bit. Maybe that wasn't such a bad idea for an apology. Well, second apology.

So there he was, standing in front of the bookstore that you worked at, still debating whether he should just go in or go home. His friends were standing a bit behind him, still more than annoyed that he dragged all of them over here. As he was wrecking his mind on the pros and cons, the doors opened and you came out with your earphones in your ears and a small smile on your lips.

As soon as you locked eyes, your smile disappeared. But you didn't say anything. Rather, you walked right by him. This was like the last time all over.

"Y/n w-wait.. could we talk for a minute??" You weren't planning on stopping but his voice sounded so small and fragile that you couldn't force your feet to move. His face seemed thinner and drained of energy.

It surely wouldn't hurt to hear him out last time. Yes. Last time

You stopped and he continued.

"I-I um... Do you.. do you want to out for coffee with me?? I i.. I mean like..umm..as an apology.. Can i offer you a coffee as an apology?? If you don't mind?? I just.. I've been feeling really guilty these days and the fact that you forgave me even though i treated you so badly had been eating away and i just can't seem to-"

"No" was all you said. Is this man serious?? First he treats you like you're a piece of trash and then he's apologising and asking you out?? I mean.. the he-k?? Is he kidding?

"But y/n please let me treat your to a coffee I'm really really sorry....."

As you started to walk away, again, he couldn't help but sigh and look down again. Of course you said no. Who would even accept a coffee as an apology?? He should've just not showed his face ever ag-

"Y/n noona there's this fair that is in town. We're gonna go there tomorrow. Do you wanna come??" Jimin said suddenly before you could completely disappear out of sight. He just couldn't bear seeing Namjoon looking like a kicked puppy any longer.

"Wh-"

"BEFORE you say no," he continued, "Don't you think it's better to go to the fair with all of us" he pointed at himself and his five other friends with a twinkle in his eyes, "than going to a voting coffee shop with Namjoonie hyung and listening to his boring philosophical lectures?? Huh? Huh?? That way, hyung would be guilt free too and you can have some fun too! Besides we never did anything to you noona! Let's be friends?? Please??"

Ok boy you gotta admit these guys have some serious convincing skills. Besides, the boy had a point. Even though they never said anything to Namjoon when he made comments on you, but they might have says something when you weren't around..? And even though limited, the interactions that you had with the boys were sweet.

You weren't quite sure why, maybe it was Jimin's sugary sweet smile that was compelling you to say yes, or maybe it was something else. Something you couldn't quite figure out.

But after thinking for sometime and seeing Namjoon's hopeful expression, you said yes.

Maybe it wouldn't hurt to make some new friends. Maybe this bad day won't turn out so bad after all.

[masslessobtrusion]

This was the last conversation I had with Lauren before she passed away...

It’s unedited besides some names and cities. Lauren It hurts me and stresses me out and triggers me to know you're high right now and I just celebrated my 90 days completely sober from everything yesterday and I want to cry and because of that i can't talk to you for my sake and well-being because this is the first time in my life I have put myself first and I feel great except I'm stressed out now. It's nice to have a sober support group to help, but still ?? Lauren I can't talk to you because I cry and it threatens this great thing I have right now and want to hold on to Ryan I've actually been clean. I'd rather have you as a friend than be high. Lauren That's fucking awesome!! But I need time still and I'm learning patience too Ryan No one talks to me, everyone cancels their plans on me, just because I told them about it. I really need a friend. Lauren It's hard to see you and very confusing and uncomfortable I can't talk to you. Ryan what if I flew you to ****on august 26th. no access to anything and the maywether/McGregor fight is on. the pool is heated, it feels awesome I'll do anything to have you as a friend. Going to home was a nice change in my routine. rollcall is banned forever, markets went down. There's no getting anything. Lauren All I can say is if you want people in your life, open yourself to the idea of AA and get yourself a sponsor and find a way to see what the program is all about past the God stuff. Because what it's really all about is a bunch of fucked up people who have lost everybody and everything getting together and making friends and supporting each other. You will find friends and support through AA. Lauren That's all I have to say. Bye. Ryan Hey, please don't do this. I'm totally good. So many people cut me out of their life. I stopped benzos and kratom is down to one small spoon in the morning. i'm lifting weights. I'm feeling good about uber. Lauren Join AA. Ryan ok Lauren not that you join. Just go. Every day. Ryan if that's what you want me to do to be friends with you. I'll do it. Lauren You will find people. Ryan I don't really want people like that. Just my old friends who don't use. Lauren That's what it will take. AA. Just keep going. Ryan I'm glad it's helping you. It is, right? Lauren More than anything. I have legit friends now and most of all I have support for anything that's bothering me Ryan I figured this would happen. But was hoping that you could not cut me out your life. I won't do anything to hurt you or your sobriety. I promise. Keep me at a distance for a while. But please don't cut me out. Lauren I stay away from guys like they suggest because of 13th stepping Ryan I saw your new fetlife. ?? Lauren AA has changed my life. And no, I don't believe in God. Ryan But I'm glad you're not getting 13th stepped. Lauren I have to until you're completely sober and have a sober support network through either smart recovery, na, or aa Ryan Could you be my support if I need it? I don't care about drugs. I just want a friend to bullshit with. Lauren I can't because men stick with men and women with women for distraction purposes Ryan and you've been my best friend for a long time now. I don't care if you have a boyfriend or you're getting tied up and stuff. Lauren Do AA. You'll meet people and see them everyday at meetings. Its nice Ryan I like you so much. It would be devastating. I'll do it. I have a pinball tournament tonight and am possibly meeting up with arielle, her boyfriend, and ashley. But feel like they'll flake. But I'm still playing pinball. I'll go to a meeting ASAP. I promise. I mean it. Lauren It would seriously be the best thing you ever do. You'll thank me, I promise. But you have to keep going even if you think it's a crock of shit at first. People start off going in pissed off all the time until they start to realize it helps. Ryan I'll probably do NA though. The way you're talking feels like you've be indoctrinated into something that excludes people. I'm glad that you're safe and being healthy though. but i want your friendship. It's pretty much the most meaningful thing to me. and to lose that. I would have nothing. I've been hanging on, waiting for you all of this time. I want to be a positive influence for you Lauren I wouldn't say that. I would say check out both. I've found the people in AA are better but na is more relatable People in na tell more war stories so it might be a better place to start off because you'll have stuff to talk about. Thing is though more people go to meetings high than in aa Ryan I met a new girl too. Nothing serious. But it's a confidence boost. And you're still #1 to me. Lauren All I can tell you is that If you keep going every day you will meet people you can relate to and who will be there for you Ryan actually, I probably won't see her for a long time, because she's moving. okay, I love you though and want you to be my best friend. What's the word? Standard? Just, no matter what. Always be available to me. This attitude that you have is good. You're in control and you set the rules. I'm okay with that. I don't want to be abandoned again. It's the shittiest feeling. and I don't want you to say it's selfish. Lauren I'm available if you get sober because once you're sober, in order to stay sober it's a good idea to avoid people who are using or drinking. It makes sense... Ryan Because you're the only person that really knows me and one of the very few humans that will talk to me. Lauren sober Ryan would be like the Ryan I first met biking... trail running... Ryan I didn't do anything bad. I won't in the future either. Lauren POSITIVE. http://www.*****.org/meetings Meetings | ***** Area of Narcotics Anonymous The 8888Area is part of the *** Region of NA with meetings in ***, Brighton, Longmont, and Louisville, Nederland, and Westminster. ********.org Ryan guhhhh, my cardio sucks, but I've been lifting dumb bells and push ups and I gained some weight. I'm like 155-160 Lauren it sucked when you first started doing it years ago but you got past it and felt great! I remember. You were so confident! it's such a relief to hear you're on the right path Ryan shoulder pain still controls me. Lauren really. Ryan yes. Would you want to go to STL with me next month, get an airbnb? or I could fly out there? Lauren Here. Go to the Longmont one at 7pm tonight while it's still fresh from talking to me http://www.*******.org/meetings/wednsday Ryan and you can see me being healthy and sober. I have plans tonight. Pinball and possibly friends. But definitely pinball. Lauren I'm going to be at the halfway house next month. I'm staying with my uncle until a space is available it's a tournament? Ryan yeah Lauren then go tomorrow http://www.*******.org/meetings/thursday Ryan and i wanted to see if arielle and her bf wanted to get happy hour sushi before. Lauren seriously, ignore everything "god" and just meet people Ryan and ashley said she would hang out and smoke weed with me from a guy she knows that grows and she bought a bunch. but everyone flakes out. Even Robin did for camp dick, planned it 2 weeks ahead. Then he tells me his friend is having a going away party that weekend a few days before. Lauren well I hope everything works out Ryan I'll go tomorrow. Lauren let me know how it goes otherwise don't message me because it'll just make me sad ?? Ryan cool well, not the sad part but yeah, i'll do anything to keep our friendship going. Lauren you're going to meet people. that's what I think is going to be the best and when they ask if anyone's there for the first time... introduce yourself as Ryan and say it's your first na meeting ever Ryan okay thanks for the tips, anything else? Lauren people will come find you and introduce themselves. it's cool how friendly people there are. because they remember what it was like yeah... hang around awkwardly afterwards or bum a cigarette from someone and talk to them if no one comes to you lol Ryan If I do well and meet your expectations, can we hang out? people don't even talk to me at pinball. i hate it. sooooo many times, i start talking to someone and they just start talking to someone else Lauren maybe once you have some clean/sober time under your belt Ryan 15 days so far Lauren that's what's so cool! addicts love to talk to other addicts because they're blacksheep too no alcohol? Ryan i drank at my parents less than they did Lauren dude I found not drinking at all has helped with my mood SO much. just saying for me. Ryan I don't really drink alcohol though. Lauren i know you're going to meet people who are a lot like you I think you'll be surprised Ryan that's a possibility, but really. I'd rather just not have anything drug related in my life. Lauren "hey I'm Ryan. I'm an addict. It's my first time at any kind of meeting like this" Ryan I'm going to check it out though. Lauren thanks Ryan You'll be safe in St. Louis. Lauren it's going to be a while Ryan and we could watch the fights Lauren one step at a time. Ryan well, should I sell my vouchers then? Lauren yeah Ryan :( Lauren or find someone else because i can't go Ryan that was a little dramatic of an emoji Lauren oh lol Ryan but i just wanted a sad face Lauren got it Ryan so, how is fetlife? Lauren I have to go but I'll let you know I just chat with people and still haven't met up with anyone Ryan it kind of worries me. Lauren the tail pic is from my friend Richie who we webcammed with the one time (first kiss/high school friend) it was casual. Ryan doesn't seem like a sober living thing to do. But I suppose it's your rules. Lauren yeah, I'm more looking for a girl Ryan nice want to see the girl I've been hanging out with? Lauren no dude! Ryan ok Lauren hah ouch. talking to you hurts me enough Ryan oh Lauren but anyway I have to go Ryan I didn't mean to do that. I got the feeling that you didn't care. Ok, so, can I still talk to you and stuff. I'm so lonely. Lauren I just can't help but want to help you feel like you used to and find friends shit i'm so fucking up you really can't ?? Ryan I don't want rehab friends. I want hobby friends. Lauren it's part of my treatment plan and stuff that's not even AA related Ryan cool, I like hearing that you have a plan. Lauren yeah. i'm just doing what they tell me because i don't ever want to go back to drinking like i was a couple months ago or shooting dope obviously my decisions don't exactly work so i'm letting them make decisions for me... weird as that sounds. but it's working well so far ?? Ryan then don't talk about it until you're good at it. awesome I just hope you don't get taken advantage of mentally or physically. Lauren nah, i'm still ultimately in control of my life Ryan you're my #1 human. I don't want to lose you. I'll go tomorrow. Let you know about it. Lauren anyway, i can't talk to you for a while. but do the na/aa thing to make sure you stay sober (the counting days part is kind of cool too) and then we'll talk in a couple of months. but go everyday as something to do and a way to socialize and get out of that apartment Ryan a couple of months? why? I would never do that to someone. Lauren because i'm still fresh and easily stressed and because i want to make sure you're committed to this sobreity thing Ryan who is asking for help and it's me Lauren i'm letting you know it's what I feel is best for me it's a couple of months. it's not a couple years. Ryan okay, but I'll support you too. Lauren you can randomly message me with how many days you have Ryan I feel like, just empty. i knew this would happen. Lauren if I don't respond don't think I don't care... know that I'm seriously smiling Ryan my intuition, you know it's legit. Lauren you've got this . Ryan we're no different than the hundreds of stories I've read Lauren now go out and meet people! *hug* Ryan I'm willing to support and help you with whatever you want. Lauren bye Ryan You're giving me a "god bless" like southern women do when they really mean something else. it's not necessary. fuck now I have absolutely zero people who I thought care about me. I've reached out to so many people. This isn't helping anything. If it were, I would tell you. You're super hot too. I don't think you realize how much of a difference that makes. Why not make me go to a reddit meetup or something, maybe I could network instead of focusing on drugs with current and former addicts. I've always disliked other users. You know this. Just bringing up counter arguments. annnnd Ashley just flaked out, didn't see that coming. Arielle flaking out should happen in about an hour. I may go camping by myself, just not ask anyone to go, because they just flake out 9/10 times. Dude, I have no one to talk to. and I want to talk to you. I'm going to go crazy talking to myself, without you responding. Can we set up a schedule to talk? Ryan I'm telling you that this hurts me. It does. I hate being abandoned, not invited and flaked out on more than anything. I feel kind of used too. I was there for you all of this time. All of the phone calls. And then I'm abandoned when I'm doing what I consider good. Those people are going to tell you to tell me to fuck off. That's what makes me think about cults and seperation. It's black and white. And I'm not black and white. so, i'm begging you, whatever is in your head. Just treat me like you used to. Please, I'm desperate as can be. So, can we set a scheduled time, so there isn't random ghostings. annnnnd Arielle just cancelled. Lauren And this is why I fucked up in talking to you. Now I feel guilty and stresses out. Learn patience. Good. Bye. Ryan What did I do? I'm asking for help and friendship. I'm being nice as can be. Am I not? Tell me what I'm doing wrong, so I can learn from mistakes. and im blocked wtf, you really just unfriended me? Lauren? please I would never do this to you. You don't feel like it's wrong at all? i'm just going to cry and remember that everyone treats me like shit. I'm some worthless piece of shit. So I deserve to be treated like one. I would never ever treat you or anyone like this. Lauren I blocked you then realized there was a take a break option then unblocked to do that but realized,you can still message me and now I have to wait 48 hours to block you So please let me take a break! Ryan Don't block me Lauren For my Fucking sobriety This is why they tell me not to talk to you! Ryan why, even think about it. I want you to be sober. I'm being supportive. Lauren I'm stressed as fuck now You're NOT! Ryan Yeah, they do that to everyone. It's like a cult. Like I said earlier. I've read hundreds of stories. But you can make exceptions. If you have a friend in need of help. Lauren You're making me feel guilty and stresses and cry because you're not letting me go for a while Ryan I'm not asking for much. I said I would go to an NA meeting tomorrow. Lauren Just PLEASE stop messaging me For me. Ahhhhhhh! PLEASE. Ryan I just want you to respond or have a certain timeframe of when you can respond to me. Otherwise I get upset. Lauren I. don't. Know. Ryan because I have NO ONE to talk to. absolutely no one. Lauren When you're 90 days clean and sober from everything, ok? Use meetings to help Now please Let me go This is killing me Ryan It doesn't have to be so black and white. I'm on your side and you're treating me like an enemy. I've always been on your side. I want to help you. Lauren Because you're being an enemy to my sobriety and my well being and it's selfish. Ryan I didn't do anything. I sent you pictures of a dog and told you77777 that I'm sober. I was being happy and stuff Lauren Leave me alone!!!!!! Don't talk to me. Ryan ok9 Get some sober time and then talk to me. But don't talk to me now. Thank you Ryan I'm fine and the most sober I've been in a long time. it's not a competition. but i will look elsewhere for friendship, or just cut myself or something. This sucks either way. I'm not going to be your enemy. Because I'm not and never will be. I just lost my best friend of 3-4 years. The closest friend I've ever had.