#I'm truly proud of myself and grateful my college experience is over

[emometalhead]

.

[envelop-ing]

january 19, 2024

I've been terrible about keeping up with this journal! At first, the time felt like it passed so slowly, and now I'm 20+4! Much of pregnancy is waiting, anyway.

Second trimester has been lovely so far! The exhaustion and nausea I was feeling has gone away, and I'm back to sewing. Due to my growing size, however, I'm dealing with some other symptoms — achy hips/back, and needing to use the bathroom constantly. Also I hate that I can hardly fit into my old clothes — jeans were out of the question months ago. I'm sewing myself a couple of skirts and dresses to help me feel more feminine and presentable; I've been wearing nothing but t-shirts, sweatshirts, leggings, and sneakers for weeks now. Also hoping the weather warms up soon; I thought being pregnant in winter would be nice because I could bundle up in my oversized wool sweaters, but I can't stand the feeling of wool now! And the bulkiness of sweaters makes me look fatter than ever. I'm really looking forward to springtime.

Some highlights from the last few weeks:

My OB panel came back great. So did the NIPT, and my carrier testing. No issues so far! Baby was confirmed to be a boy on the NIPT.

Rob and I got married on December 12 with our friends Johnny & Christine! It was very no-frills, the way I always wanted. :) We met up with our old coworker Karen (who is a notary) at Amavida Coffee, had coffee together, and signed our papers. Then, Rob and I went grocery shopping. It was a lovely day!

We announced to our families during Christmas Eve & Christmas Day, showing a picture of an ultrasound I had printed out. Everyone was so happy for me and has given me space, I don't know why I was nervous in the first place. We pulled my dad aside in the garage on Christmas and showed him the ultrasound and he started crying immediately (I've only seen my dad cry two other times in my life — at my cousin's funeral, and when I came home from college to visit for the first time) and told me he didn't think he had ever been so happy, and that he was so proud. I won't ever forget that moment. My mom was also so happy and started tearing up also. I was 17 weeks at that point!

I started feeling him move at 18 weeks, which was incredible. At first, it felt like slight twitching in my low abdomen, but I knew it was him, especially as it got stronger over the next two weeks. Now, I feel him moving every day! Rob was able to feel him kick through my belly last week.

We have our anatomy scan scheduled for next week, so I'm hoping that goes well. After the scan confirms everything is alright, I'll probably finally start buying baby things off my registry.

We're closing on our first house in a week and a half! I don't remember if I already wrote about this in a previous post or not, but we bought a house I had half-jokingly been bugging Rob about for a few weeks. It's so beautiful, I'm excited to get out of this apartment and finally have a home that belongs to us. We've been making so many plans for the landscaping and gardening that I can't wait to get started on. It'll be so nice for our dogs to finally have the yard they deserve, too.

I'm so grateful for Rob, he's really made all my dreams come true. Marriage, a baby, and now a home. He's supported all of my birth plans and decisions during this pregnancy, and has done everything he can to make this experience stress-free. He's already planned and budgeted for me being able to stay at home with our son, and is already seeking out higher-paying jobs (not that he needs one; we'd be doing fine on his current salary alone) so we can have this lifestyle with even more ease. I can't imagine doing any of this with anyone else; I truly don't think I could have picked a better husband, or father of my children. I love him so much. :)

[aloneandunreal]

october 21, 2022

i did not realize that the last time i posted was over three months ago. i don't even remember it being that long ago, but i digress. i've been wanting to write another journal entry for awhile now but have just felt lazy and... uninspired? i don't know if that's the right word to use. anyway. a lot has happened since my last journal entry. i started my sophomore year of college, which feels weird to type out. i still feel sixteen. which is a bit of a problem i've been dealing with. i'm not sure why i didn't run into this problem my freshman year of college, but i've been going through a bit of an identity crisis. i feel like i don't know who i truly am. and being in my second year, still feeling stuck at age sixteen, kind of sucks. it's not that i'm immature, although i can be, i just can't seem to move on from my teenage years. nineteen isn't old by any means, but it is my last year of being a real teenager. it sort of feels like a loss, especially since my teen years felt pretty lame compared to others'. i feel like i'm experiencing things now that i should have experienced years ago. my first kiss, drinking, the list goes on. it makes me feel immature and like i'm trying too hard. whenever someone offers me something, i always take up the offer because i want to do what i never did in high school. i want to make up for what i never got to experience. but then it makes me feel like i appear like i'm trying to hard (to others). i don't know. it's hard to explain. i guess i feel i'm still sixteen because that's how old i was when covid began. and for whatever reason i feel stuck at that age. i'm just waiting for it to pass. but will it? and what can i do to pull myself along?

i wrote about this in my previous entry, but it relates to this too. it's funny thinking i was so scared to turn seventeen when i created this account. and now i wish i was back at that time in my life. things were not "simpler" but they were different. different in a way that i sort of miss. i've always been like this, though, missing the past. but this feels like in a different way than usual. a different sort of nostalgia. so much has changed. in both good and bad ways. i'm not going to say life was simpler, but in some ways, it was. i probably make no sense but it's hard to write down my thoughts sometimes. it's like they're too complex for even MYSELF to understand.

i just don't really know who i am. or what i want to be, really. i have some friends, and i'm sincerely grateful that i do, but i don't know if they're the type of friends that will offer me security. i love them, but we sometimes have issues, and i don't even know if we have enough in common. when i talk to them i feel like i change myself a bit (sometimes). but i do that with most people. i really don't know. friends are more complicated than i ever imagined. i guess because i never really had any.

i feel like people will tell me a personality trait of mine, or tell me they remind me of someone, and i won't agree with it at all. that's how they see me? and it isn't always bad, it just isn't me. am i just putting on a front? or is this who i really am? even with my parents, i feel like my dad especially bases my interests on who i was when i was younger. i feel like nobody really knows me, which i - weirdly enough - find myself to be a bit proud of for whatever reason. but at the same time, i don't even know myself. so is it really anything to be proud about?

i had my first kiss a few weeks ago (yes, at my big age) and it just wasn't anything i had expected. i don't even think i wanted to do it really, i just thought to myself "when will you get the chance again?" it was a guy from tinder. we'd went on our first date that day. he was surprised when i said i'd never kissed anyone. i didn't keep kissing him because i particularly liked it, but because i wanted practice. sounds horrible but it's unfortunately true. he also touched my boobs which made me feel sort of violated (it was my fault, when he asked i said "i guess"). the whole time it made me wonder if i even like men. but that's a whole other topic i don't think my brain is ready to get into. anyway, we stopped talking because he was trying to get close to me and i wasn't feeling him like that. it made me feel like something was wrong with me, because he was a nice guy. i just felt like things went too fast and we had no chemistry. plus he said some weird stuff. it made me feel sad that i didn't have this experience in high school. will i ever be able to find my first love in a cute way? or will it be from a dating app? sounds pretty sad to me.

i guess i'm just pretty noncommittal. and picky. which i suppose is a good thing. i don't know. talking to guys is fun and thinking about a relationship with one is sometimes cute, but then i really think about it, and it just feels icky. maybe i should worry about making some more friends before i get into the dating world. every time i talk to a guy, i sometimes think of us potentially dating, but for the most part i just like having someone to talk to and flirt with a little. which, yeah, i guess it sounds like i'm leading them on. but i don't owe anyone anything. it's not like i ever said i was looking for a relationship.

i just feel like all the things i'm doing right now, it's too late. i'm too old. i should have experienced these things earlier. in some aspects, i'm ahead of my peers. but in others, like the things i talked about above, i am way behind. it's like, in high school, i put so much focus on certain things and forgot to focus on all different aspects. and now i feel behind.

i guess i just wish things could have been different. i wish i could have been different. yes, some things were out of my control, but others weren't. i did some of this to myself.

it's odd because for years i've been known as the "quiet, mysterious girl" and have heard that all my life. but then one of my friends says i'm not quiet or mysterious at all. that i talk a lot. so what am i then, really? why do some people describe me differently than others? am i really a quiet girl? i don't understand. the guy i kissed told me he thought i was very confident, until of course i told him i'd never had my first kiss. which is another part of my identity crisis. i'm not confident. i don't get it. how do you even find yourself? when you already thought you had for years.

anyway. i don't know why i'm going through an identity crisis now, it just seems so random. why not last year? that would've made more sense - first year of college. i guess i'm just confused about everything. i want to know who i am, and i want people to like that version of me. i want people to understand me, and i want to open up, but it's hard. especially when i don't feel people perceive me in the way i want to be perceived.

there's probably more i could say, but my brain is dead for whatever reason. i suppose i got out the majority of what i've been thinking about, though. i never realized how awkward it is to end these posts. see you next time, i guess?

[seungsilog]

Dear Someone, I’ll Be Better Off Without You.

Pairing: Female!OC x Lee Minho

Genre: Angst, College!AU

Word Count: 1.16k words

Warnings: mentions of someone in a slump(?), insecurities, breakup

Series Masterlist

Taglist: @puffyjisung​ (send me an ask or dm me if you want to be added!)

Good morning, afternoon, evening, whatever time you’re listening to this! Welcome to the podcast, where I, Han Jisung, your host — speaking of, should I find a DJ name for myself too? Like, that one podcast has DJ Joohoney right? I should think of something for myself. 

Anyways, continuing on! This episode, a letter has been written by our Music Director, Ina! I won't make this too long, as this episode might get too long. I asked for a letter, not a novel. If only you guys can see this, holy crap. It's like 3 pages back to back, oh my gosh. I would read this all on air but it would take ages, so we just shortened the letter and might just publish this letter on our website! I doubt you would be able to read Ina's chicken scrawl, though— ok geez, I'll start! Stop looking at me like that!

Dear Someone,

I'm better off I’ll be better off without you.

Do you remember when we first met? It was freshman year, during the university's festival. You weren't as confident back then, sticking to your group of friends most of the time. The only time you left their side was when they convinced you to talk to me after they saw you sneaking a peek at me. Looking back now, I cringe thinking about our origin story, but freshman Ina thought it was cute. So cute, in fact, that I let you take me out on a date the day after. And even though you spilt soda on me five minutes into the date, the giant stuffed cat and the shy peck on the cheek made it all better.

Fast forward two years, and you managed to weasel your way into my life. You became my best friend, my lover, my anchor all in one. College life was hard, but the assurance that you would be sitting in our spot in the coffee shop on campus, waiting with my favorite drink fueled me to get through my day.

But as many positives there were with you, the negatives were also there.

I became too comfortable. I stood only within the confines of my little bubble consisting of schoolwork and my relationship with you. Everything was just the same, repeating day after day, and it took a toll on me. I made my whole life revolve around you, and somewhere along the line, I forgot that there is more to life besides those two things.

I never really improved from who I was when I entered college, but you certainly have. No longer were you the timid, puffy-faced boy I met back then. You’ve come so far, becoming one of the most confident, talented people this school has ever produced, and I can’t help but feel proud every time I realize that.

Sadly, I can’t say the same for myself.

I love you. I love you so much, Lee Minho. Thank you for always being there, for the past two years. I’ll always be proud of you, but I need to take some time to improve myself so that hopefully, i can be someone you can be proud of too. This self-improvement journey of mine might take some time, but as my mother used to say, if we are truly meant to be together, destiny will find its way to bring us together once again. See you around, I guess.

Forever grateful, 

Ina.

P.S. I think I used the wrong phrase on my keyword, so I erased it aha. I started this letter in spite... so yeah. I’m not sure if I really will be better off without you, but I guess only time will tell.

Han Jisung’s voice floated through the earbuds and into Lee Minho’s ears as he sat in an armchair, eyes filled with unshed tears. He hadn't known she felt that way towards herself, and if only he had communicated with her better-

He cuts off his inner monologue after seeing a familiar face approach his table. 

“I take it you’ve listened to Jisung’s new podcast episode, hyung?” Hwang Hyunjin, with his freshly dyed black hair, takes a seat in front of Minho, ignoring the older’s protests and settling down with his croissant and iced americano. “Come on, hyung. You can talk to me about this. We’ve known each other for ages!”

“And by ages, you mean half a year?”

“Tomato tomato. It feels way longer. I think being coped up in a studio with each other has that effect.”

“... Touche.”

“ So? How do you feel?” the younger boy inquires, taking a sip from his americano.

Minho took a while to respond, thinking of words to properly describe how he felt at that moment. 

“If I’m being honest? I don’t have a clue either. It’ll take a lot for me to get over Ina.” After taking a sip of his own drink, he continued. “Two years, almost three isn’t a short time. It was through her that I became who I am today. It was because of her, that I strived to become a better person. It was because of her that I was able to grow, but..” A soft sigh escaped his lips. 

“But at the cost of my growth came her dullness.” Hyunjin made a noise of confusion, muffled by the bread stuffed in his mouth. “Woft dwoh yu mean, hyunf?” 

“The thing that really drew me to her that day was just how… vibrant she was. Well, she was standing below a streetlight, but really. It sounds cliche, but if only you could’ve seen her. Wearing a bright yellow shirt, talking excitedly about how fun this experience was going to be. She was truly the light of the party back then, well, college happened. We’re all busy, but they were especially. Even Channie disappears for days at a time coped up in his room to finish a project. He only got a significant other this year! Ina barely had any time to do anything else aside from meeting me and doing schoolwork. I guess she realized that, and uh, yeah. That brings us here.” Minho looked up at Hyunjin, only to see him invested in something on his phone.

 “ Yah, why did I even bother telling you.” 

You see, dear listeners. Sometimes, relationships don’t turn out the way we want it to go. We think entering a new thing will all be sunshine and rainbows, and it might lead to an ultimatum; having to choose between self-gratification and self-improvement. In Ina’s case, she chose to leave not because she lost feelings, because that’s definitely not the case- ouch! When will you stop throwing things at me? But yes, she chose to leave because she wanted to grow, wanted to get herself out there for a bit, just as hyung had done. That does not mean that all hope is lost for them, though. Maybe someday, when the both of them are ready, their romance will continue again.

-`, leri’s litol notes

here is the second installment! ;-; i hope you guys like it hehe

[luvdsc]

Hey Cat!! I hope you're doing well as always ! 💖 AHHHH huhu I closed the form last Sunday since I've collected enough responses dy! (NOOOOOOOO ToT) I got a total of 221 responses at the end of the week, which is 3x the amount I initially needed! :o I'm beyond grateful and appreciative ToT I've cleaned the data and have proceeded to run some data analysis, but I ran into an issue whereby the scores on the subscales are equal (it has never been reported in past studies! :O) so I'm waiting for my supervisor's feedback on how to proceed. Hopefully it's nothing too serious ToT

Hehe finance is interesting indeed! I just started reading a book on finance for young adults (Rich Dad Poor Dad) and I look forward to learning more from the author's tips! The Coursera introductory course has also made financial terms a lil more familiar, even though it's just the basics and it's really helped w my financial literacy 🥺 I can push myself to study but it's also the numbers and calculations I'm worried of cuz I am rly a nong (idiot) when it comes to numbers * - * it runs in the genes I guess AHAHAHAHA my mom and sister aren't good at numbers either keke

Aww I'm glad yr professor made financial accounting enjoyable and a fruitful experience for you! Some lecturers / professors rly just have that spark in them to inspire ppl and I'm blessed to be surrounded by a bunch of em in the psych department!🥺😭 it truly makes a difference and I'm sure we both are living proofs of that!

After debating for a while, I've decided not to take a minor mainly because I'm so tired HAHAHAHAHAHA and I'll just do my own self-studying and exploration whilst working! Go out and explore the world, live life! Whilst ironically still staying in my room because of the COVID-19 situation in our country (cases are abt 20+k every day :') ) My proposal has been finalized and it's been accepted! It's just that some elements of my proposal is also part of my actual report, so I have some guidance to refer to in terms of structure! :3 and yes don't worry! I got plenty (sometimes a lil too much) rest during the sem break whilst remaining productive! Plus, I got to catch up w some friends and had game nights (maybe too much of game nights hehe) and movie nights w my friends which was truly refreshing! Also cuz I might not see a lot of them again after we graduate so we gotta cherish every moment 🥺😭

I'm a freelance graphic designer for my uni's newsletter! Occasionally, they'd ask us to create both the content and design! I'll place the link to my recent work below if you wanna check it out! UwU I'm trying to incorporate the same practices during sem break in my last sem (current sem) too! cuz yes mental health is so so important and I'm just tired of being academically tired you get me? :(

What makes me most trilled abt learning abt psychology is how to apply it in daily life too! I find it so fascinating and awestruck at how relatable and within reach these things are like wow we can be influenced in such ways?? :o can be both good and bad but imma stick w seeing it as the development and evolution of us humans UwU

Also, the vaccine has fixed my sleep schedule HEHE (another perk of getting vaccination :3) I got some rly good rest and managed to reset my usual sleeping time, thank you science ToT oooo I see I see, we've had cases of nurses injecting empty syringes hence the recording :( but GHIOGHWEOGIOHW I could never do that, I can feel the liquid entering me as it is so that's good enough ToT (* plays Love Talk * I can feel it coming)

OMG YOUR ART PIECES ARE SO BEAUTIFUL, ADORABLE AND ELEGANT! 💖🥺🥰 it must've required a lot of hard-work and effort AHHH thankiew for showing me yr work!! it's truly unique in its own manner despite it's simplicity UwU is there a reason or backstory to yr chosen theme and objects? :3

I just Googled Somi Somi and omg that's such an UwU ice cream AHHHH 💖🥺😭 ice cream is my fav food of all time and it looks like an ice cream haven omg imagine eating it after a loooong hard day's of work ToT and OMG THE SATISFACTION OF EATING THAI MILK TEA ICE CREAM ON A HOT DAY YASSS 😋🤤 hehe if you get the chance to try milk & biscoff, do try it! It's amazing !😍 and ooo i haven't tried alcoholic ice cream before but I will one day!! :3 my alcohol tolerance is rly low though, will I get tipsy over alcoholic ice cream? We shall see UwU (i can only drink half a bottle of apple cider before my face gets red and I start getting a lil tipsy + headache)

and lovie....knowing yr school schedule now...OURS IS DEFINTELY BRUTAL OMG a 3 month long sem break huhu that's only the total amount of sem breaks we get in a year ToT i thought uni was hard but not that hard ToT

Always glad and honored to have you onboard! and AHAHAHAH the contractions about to start soon 👀 I enjoy talking to you huhu you're such a sweet and supportive person 💖🥺🥰😙 huhu for my period cramps, I've been having them since I was 12 ToT my doctor prescribed me some panadols but sometimes I can't even swallow them cuz I'd puke them out ToT I've settled w heatpacks to reduce my reliance on medicine, but I finally got some upgraded and safe to eat medicine from my gynae! She said it's fine to take it every month to keep my womb healthy and apparently my ms. lil uterus is suffering from inflammation, hence the super crazy bedridden cramps :( the upgraded medicine worked for a while, but after time it kinda didn't help either :/ but I realised that exercise rly does wonders to reduce the cramp too (gynae also recommended exercising) so i take walks and do my back stretches more frequently now! my period in the previous months (2 months ago) have been almost painless and bearable, it's so weird not seeing my bedridden ._. when I was in high school, there would always be a day in every month in which I don't attend classes, and that's solely because of my cramps. It just isn't worth suffering in school, plus we don't have a sick room :/ I hope the pain continues to subside! ToT

And ayy internship is also working experience, yr advice would be of great help to me regardless! 🥺 oh yes, I always remind myself that interviews are similar to the speaking test I took for my Cambridge English exams! That kinda help calm my nerves down a lil, but w nerves comes bigger smiles, so I guess it takes on a rather practical form of coping mechanism (sublimation) AHAHAHAHA

WAAAA WHAT A QUEEN you got an offer from every interview?? I aspire to be like you! 💖🥺🥰 huhu skill wise I believe I have lots to prepare esp in terms of case studies, and I perform rly poorly on certain assessments (*ehem * esp those concerning numbers) so I took the chance to study a lil during sem break too ToT but noted on that! I will work on that too and try to maintain that me element in interviews and overall just be myself keke

That's all from me for now! Imma wait for my supervisor's feedback and journey on w my last semester. Bon voyage! Link to my recent work: https://www.instagram.com/p/CTBqGzjr6sN/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link Other works: https://www.instagram.com/p/CPpv-IyM7Gi/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link https://www.instagram.com/p/CL55EG-MbL2/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link

hi hello honey bee !!! 💓 omg i'm so sorry for the belated response, i finally got on my laptop 😭 i'm gonna put my response under the cut since it got a little long 🤧

omg 221 responses !!!!! that's so many 🙀 congratulations aaaaa it's amazing that you were able to get 3x the data you needed !!! was it difficult to run data analysis? were you able to solve the issue with the equal scores on the subscales? i hope it didn't create too much additional work for you ):

omg yes finance is really interesting! i enjoyed the classes i took for it :') how is rich dad poor dad? did you learn a lot from it? i know it was a book my prof recommended, but i never got around to reading it 😶 did you learn any helpful tips? and ooo i'll have to look into coursera! yeah, there's quite a lot of terms for finance, and it can be a little intimidating paired with all the math formulas and such, but it's pretty useful imo! how are your financial studies going so far? 💕 omg nong is such a cute word?? i would never think it meant idiot asdkfhlkajsdf omg my whole family is good at numbers and really like math, but i didn't like it 😭 my mom made me study it a lot everyday though rip are the financial calculations getting easier for you as you practice more hopefully?

yessss omg i absolutely agree with this!!!! like you can just feel when a professor loves to teach and is genuinely so excited to talk about their subject, and it just makes the most boring horrible subject into something you learn to enjoy and hate less :') and i'm really happy to hear you have tons of professors like that in the psych department 🥺💗

that's great to hear!!!! 🌷🌷 i'm glad that you're prioritizing yourself and your health, which is so much more important than taking on a minor. what fun subjects have you decided to explore and self study so far? 💞 oh my gosh, the rising cases are so high?? i hope it's gotten better there for you ): are you able to go outside yet?

big congratulations on your proposal being finalized and accepted, lovebug !!!! 🥳🥳 i'm very proud of you and hoping one day i can read your published studies in a scientific journal :') aaaa i'm so glad to hear that you got to rest and enjoy your time with your friends!! i definitely feel that omg i regret all the times i skipped out on movie nights or game nights with my friends because now we're all scattered across the country and the only way we can have them again is over zoom calls 🤧

I SAW YOUR DESIGNS AND THEY'RE GORGEOUS OMG I LOVE THEM SO MUCH !!!! 💖 I'M IN AWE AAAA IF PSYCH DOESN'T WORK OUT, I HOPE YOU BECOME A GRAPHIC DESIGNER 🤩🤩💖 and yes i totally get it ): i really felt the academic burn out when i was in college and it was really difficult at times 🤧 but i hope it's going better for you nowadays, sweetpea 💝💝

omg yeah i absolutely agree !!!! whenever i read about psychology, i keep it in the back of my mind and then when i see something irl that relates to it, i'm like :O amazing. it's so cool to learn about different psych tricks too and see how it works when you test them out yourself and whatnot. and it's really crazy to see how the human brain is so easily influenced at times ??? it truly is an amazing subject !!!

ah what a great side benefit of the vaccine - a better sleep schedule 🤩 i'm happy to hear that your schedule has been fixed 💘 and omg what ??? they're injecting empty syringes wth ????? 😭 that's absolutely horrible, are they getting sued?? lmaooooo that love talk reference askdfhlaksjd

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL YOUR KIND COMPLIMENTS 😭😭💗💗 there were many late hours spent in the art studio to finish them, but i'm really happy with the end products :') i thought light bulbs are an interesting subject to do, and my prof said that cutting out circular objects or sculpting them is the most difficult since they're made up curves and not straight lines and i was like ok bet i'm gonna do it aND I'M SO GLAD I DID BECAUSE I REALLY LIKE THEM 🥺 and i love honey bees !!! that's why i decided to paint them and we were supposed to paint them in a combined style of two artists so i tried monet's impressionist style with the short brush strokes and pop art triptych style like marjorie strider 💕

somi somi is sooo good and i just had it again a couple weeks ago :') omg ice cream is your favorite food? :o and YES ice cream is so satisfying after a long day of hard work, like it's such a nice reward to look forward to at the end of day ✨ aaaaa i have to try thai milk tea ice cream one day now !!!!! it sounds amazing 🤩 and YES i must look for places that sell milk & biscoff ice cream !! i have milk ice cream from somi somi, but i need to try to combined flavors 💘 i don't think you'll get tipsy over it !!! it's a really faint taste of alcohol, like i didn't even notice it at first, and i don't think they put very much of it in there! aksljdfhals omg you're a lightweight :o at least that means you save money on alcohol LOL i need like nine shots to get drunk 🤧

your school is too hard 😭 you need more than just 3 months of break !!! 😡 we get a week off for thanksgiving in fall semester and a week off for spring break in spring semester too and then the month long winter break and three month summer break. and we have the one day holidays off too like labor day, memorial day, etc. i can't believe they give you so little time off after working so hard???

asdfhlkajshdlksja loool are the contractions over yet? has it been born? what's the current status, doctor? 👀 i really enjoy talking to you too !!! i'm very sorry for the late responses, work is really taking over all of my time, and i never have enough time to get on my laptop to reply to my asks 😭 and thank you for saying such kind things about me 🥺🥺💝 oh my gosh, i'm so sorry to hear that you have such terrible cramps 😭 i can't even imagine going through that - mine are nowhere near as horrible 😖 do the heatpads help a lot? i'm relieved to hear that you were prescribed better medication though! but yeah, your body does eventually get used to the medication and you have to continue taking stronger meds for it to work, but that's not a very healthy solution /: but i'm really glad to hear that exercise has been helping out a lot!! 💖 hurray for almost painless and bearable periods 🥳 i'm sorry to hear that you had to go through that in high school ): that sounds absolutely horrible 😭 periods are just awful, but it's like i'm grateful that i have my period because that means i'm not pregnant, but also please go away aslkhdfaklsj

omg what was the speaking test for the cambridge english exams like? :o it sounds so formal and a lil intimidating askdjfhalsd do you know of any psych tricks that can possibly help calm your nerves? :')

aaaa yes i did !! i was really surprised that i got an offer from them all because at the time, i was not in the right major and i think i was one of the most underqualified applicants 🤧 one person who interviewed me asked why i withdrew from my engr physics class and i explained it in a kinda funny way but in my head, i was like "oof i'm not gonna get this offer anymore" but then he laughed at my response and told me about how his prof told him he should drop a guitar class he was taking because he was doing very poorly and we bonded over that aklsjdhfkals omg how do interviews for psych jobs go? do you have to discuss a lot of case studies? do they give you a list of possible case studies they'll ask about? :o what sort of assessments do you have to do? good luck on all of your interviews, honey bee 💛 i'm rooting for you, you're gonna do amazing !!!! 💘

omg what did your supervisor say about your case study? and how is your last semester going? are you almost done now? 🌸 (also how have you been? what have you been up to? thank you for taking the time to leave such detailed messages for me, i'm really excited to see all the fun updates in your life, lovebug 🌷🌷)

[ezradysus]

A Story Of Self Discovery 🌱

So this is gonna be one long ass brick of text I'm about to write out so be prepared lmaoo

.

.

.

I just wanna start off with saying I'm sorry. For a lot of different reasons and not to just one person in particular. However if you think this apology is for you, it probably is. I made some shitty choices in the past, I was unaware of social-constructs, I wasn't as empathetic as I could have been, and I truly just wasn't my own person before. I was selfish on more than one account and it took the words of a dear friend to sorta.. Wake me up to it. I wasn't aware of the person I was becoming. But once it dawned on me, I ran. And I'm sorry for that too. But I'm not sorry for taking a step back, I look at it now as a subconscious, tactical retreat.

I went through a major life change and for awhile I felt absolutely lost. I felt guilty over many of my actions but for the most part I just felt this void of emptiness and depression. I felt alone but I wasn't able to reach out to anyone. I was going downhill fast and I started making a lot of poor choices. I started throwing myself at any substance I could find to try and fill the voids. Sex, drugs, and alcohol were the easiest.

It wasn't until I hung out with my sister again for the first time in years, that I started to try and pick up the pieces of my shattered reality. She showed me Grace by Florence and The Machine and the emotions I had been trying to bury for so long just flooded over me. I needed help but I didn't know where to turn or what to do. She helped guide me to the right path, and for that I will be eternally grateful. College had taught her more than just cooking skills, she now had life skills. Skills I thought I already had, but was very sorely mistaken.

She sent me to her therapist and at first I was terrified. Terrified to open up, terrified to relive my past and trauma, terrified to admit my mistakes aloud, terrified to be real and raw. But I was also determined. I needed to change and I finally understood that I had to stop, waiting. Waiting for the perfect moment, waiting for my life to change. I had to make the change. I had to be the change. "Revolution Starts Within"

Month after month, I devoted all of my free time and energy into fixing myself. Figuring out 'who' I was and how I could improve. I started to discover my own likes and dislikes, and I began to understand my own energy for literally the first time in my entire life. Many of you know me well, but very few truly know all that I have gone through in my life, or all that I was experiencing. But what matters is that I was finally truly *free*. I was finally able to start thinking for myself.

I began to gain confidence in myself for the first time as well. Not only in my looks but in my own abilities as well. I was finally becoming confident in my actions, my words, and as silly as it sounds, my own thoughts. It felt like my eyes were opened and like I was just starting to begin my life. I won't call it a rebirth, but I finally felt like I was actually living. I wasn't a ghost anymore, I was a person with a soul and thoughts and desires of my own. The world felt huge and full of opportunities for the taking. I felt like a small sprout, finally breaking out of the soil to see and feel the sun for the first time.

With the changes and progress I had made so far I already knew I wasn't the same person anymore, not by a long shot. So I did The Thing you do with a self transformation. I chopped off my hair and changed my name. I've now been going by Liza, Liz for short (a take on my middle name Elizabeth) even in my everyday life. My family has, reluctantly, begun to accept the change as well with a great deal of help from my sister. Now not only was I seeing the changes, but others were acknowledging it as well. And not everybody liked these changes. It's amazing how many people you lose in your life when you start setting boundaries, speaking your mind, and standing up for what you believe in.

Now don't get me wrong, I still have a very very very long way to go before I'm happy with who I am. I'm sill in my "morphing phase" I've been calling it. I had to fall apart as a person so I could rebuild myself into something better. Currently I'm like a blob, still trying to find the shape I'm meant to be. But for now I am happy and incredibly proud of the person I am becoming. And even more proud of myself for the work I have done so far, and continue to do everyday. As I type this, my healing has been interrupted thanks to my depression, but I know I will get back to it when I am meant to. I give my all every day, but sometimes my best is just getting out of bed, and that's ok too.

If you read through all of that I gotta believe that you cared enough about me to at very least be curious. And now I ask you to please get to know me again, for I'm an entirely new experience you have yet to encounter. Please don't judge me for who I was, because that's no longer who I am, or who I'm becoming.

-Liza

🤗☺️👽🦖🦔🌱🍄🌙🧘‍♂️🧗‍♀️👩‍🎨🎨🎮🏜🏕📚🔮☮️☯️♋️🌈🦄💛✌️✌️