#I'm upset that I am losing what feels like a pure dream here

[nickywhoisi]

Hi again everyone. I have returned, maybe just momentarily, to let you know where I’ve been.

I took a lot of time off for myself to have a “redo” of my life. How this went was that, from Aug 20, I finally felt like I was free, moreso than I had in my life, and that was the best starting point for me to choose that year as 1993, my birth year. I have, through all of this time including now, realize that I have ultimately been battling a giant war against life for the sake of keeping pure and keeping corrosion out. And I mean NIGHTMARISH LEVELS OF CORROSION. It’s so hard for me to put those exact experiences into a perfect pure-feeling term, but basically it’s been like that for a shockingly long time...and one of the things that was so corroded was my own past and childhood. I desired to have a “reset” wherein I got to control life and my timespan for a while, and devote it entirely to the keepsakes I have from those times. I was beginning again, starting over with my life just how I wanted, and I let myself be a little baby for a while, then transition each day to adolescence, teenhood and then adulthood. It was all finally at my own pace. Though even then, the rare times I had to step outside meant that it had to be the current year again for a while, and I still ran across what I now know to be corrosion confrontations, which were sometimes so bad, I had to switch a year, and let it pass until the next day where I would redo it as well. I’m just glad that this plan worked out and it all fit into september before the last few days of the month.

There was also two giantly damaging events that occurred on the 26th...a certain governmental event I couldn’t afford to miss and was getting so stressed about (because I haven’t been feeling more than I can handle of that), and this resulted in me believing I needed to protect my most precious keepsakes, among which, my art and my videogame collection. This was from MY ENTIRE LIFESPAN, including my reset! And all I did was park somewhere where I thought it was going to be safe and untouched. But it so happened to be a kindergarten with apparently a private parking rule that I didn’t know about (and sadly, that part of the corrosive error is on me because I didn’t think to take some time to ask if it was okay, I was just too worried about being on time (additionally, I am aggravated that if I were not left in such a precarious situation, I would not have been so stressed out and thus careless about where I parked!)), and by the time I had a free moment to think about it, I checked on what was going on with my chosen parking space...and I got the shocking news that this asian prick decided, also at the fault of the police ordering him to, to THROW OUT MY THINGS WITHOUT ONCE WAITING FOR ME TO BE PRESENT TO EXPLAIN MYSELF. I had to run out of breath to that place, only to be confronted by the guy who did the deed AND look at the abject horror and misery that my two makings; my very history of being alive, my two greatest and purest of life’s passions...were thrown into a giant garbage bin without an iota of care. Not even an understanding that these items were covered in MY NAME, showing it defacto belonged to me, and nobody had the right to make the decisions they did. And what was all the worse was that I had every right to be livid at the guy and chew him out for what corrosive display he wrought on my HISTORY, MY PROOF OF BEING ALIVE ON THIS HELL ROCK, but he seriously thought he had any right to bombard me with angry accusatory words and ideas, as if he was openly victim blaming me for something I could barely pay attention to over the sound of my own crippling depression...how could I not continuously explode when I had to cry while rifling through the garbage and make sure that I rescued all of my poor keepsakes that I NEVER ONCE WANTED OR WAS PREPARED TO SEE AMONGST GARBAGE WHERE NONE OF IT BELONGS, all the while having my suicidal levels of stress upset and discomfort pressured even more by this unfeeling demon ch*** who never had a shred of shame for what he did saying the most useless, unhelpful and distressing things, likely on purpose, which naturally made me want to swipe at him with a cardboard box lid JUST TO GET HIM TO SHUT UP AND LEAVE ME IN PEACE. But that is when he said the worst thing; you stop or I call the police. I was screaming myself hoarse, wailing in such impossible misery, all because he refused to stop causing coarse corrosive stress towards me, and he was actually de-existing me. What de-existing me means, is that he was actively trying to delegitimize EVERYTHING that was happening to me right there. His profound offenses horrified me as these would never stop coming from him. I feel that this is the type of homonid,,,this inhuman thing, this “flesh homunculus”...is the very thing that I will have to kill one day in order for such corrosions in life to permanently stop, as I want. I got all of my posessions back, but it can’t feel like a true victory until I see this creature gone, and all like it. Please don’t worry about what this means. It just basically means I’ve figured out how to get rid of the things weighing down on my mind for good.

Sadly, just another one of these things bled it’s way into ruining another event that was supposed to remain pure. Some user who I don’t know at all made a heinous reply about me being “such a manchild” over a post subject that I had done nothing more than say my piece on, state that I would not accept anyone trying to @ me over having what just seemed to be different from the crowd opinion, and leave it at that. I learned that on some monday, around the time I left to give myself that long-needed break, I was entirely treated like trash, only fueling yet more of what I have lately been feeling...rather, I should say I’ve been collapsing under the weight of. I already feel bad enough that there are sociopaths like this on the world who troll and are so good at trolling that I do feel very defaced and wounded by. What hurts me even worse than that though, is the timing in which this happened. The one precise moment where all that has happened is processed, or as well as it can, that nothing else is going on, and I thought I had a free chance to muster up the courage and retry from where I left off. I gave this place just one more chance, or at least see how all of my friends are doing, only to see there is proof that people on tumblr, or perhaps tumblr itself, is no longer the place I thought I could have to be safe and I am surrounded by corroded sorts who don’t want me here, as a poor damaged person on the side of purity. I was about to say that I’m a pure person, but that would not be so true. I just want to be good and clear in my soul, and the corrosions of all life, from sirens and sickening-acting people in real life, the fact that real life has so much badness going on that it’s all become besmirched, to here online where corrosion and policing seem to have concaved everything to the point where nowhere is good and pure enough to promise the level of safety and comfort that I need most. Even Gaia online, another legacy site that I frequented from my life’s history as well, suddenly proved on the 25th that it apparently hated me for having a pure connection with it and for some reason hates me for not wanting to support it’s bad practises with money. Apparently they really are the scum who did not pay or support their artists the way they should, and it shows now in the latest “game” they have going on now.

So it’s a real damn shame, but I have to maybe...just never come back here. Ever again. Not seriously anyway. I wanted to do so much more here though. I wanted to be able to be like all of you, my friends, and you amazing artists in the choo choo groop, or the ttte/rws fandom for those unfamiliar. And be like VoiceBoss/Coco, and all of the other cool batman fandom artists too. Just happily posting my art, getting to know everyone, never having anything bad happen that would lead to a confrontation. But someone who bypassed the way I was trying so hard to curate my experiences here made me face the fact that I need a place where not just anyone is able to throw me out of a good thing, by any means. So I must look elsewhere, as I said, for a truly safe, quiet bubble to call my own and to get every ounce of relief and healing relaxation that has been so unreasonably denied of me. This sucks royal.

I believe the last things I might want to take care of is reblogging everything I have in my likes, catching up with my pals, letting y’all know about stuff, having one last farewell party to this blog, and...if I can manage it, I may only post my art/links to where I will be posting art from now on. Cause the last thing I want to do is promise good things I’d share, and then never make do. I’m not perpetuating that cycle of abuse after being a victim of it, no fucking way gang

https://www.pixiv.net/en/users/86557536

[b4ddprincess]

I hope that everyone who reads this feels a little bit of peace of mind. I know how unbearable it is to want to have the life of your dreams right now! That anxiety and despair won't help at all. Nor will continuing to do what doesn't resonate with you, seeing countless success stories and each time trying to do the same as them. It's always like that, right? That's what most of us do, it's like being in a loop, I say this because this year I became pure consciousness several times while trying to induce it, whether through lucid dreams, sleeping affirming, some of the times I just came out of the state of pure consciousness without affirming anything because I felt so peaceful (and it didn't last long either).

Exactly 4 days ago I almost to induce pure consciousness again while listening to this audio that leaves me super relaxed

https://youtu.be/DMQjwuU_4c4

(not that to induce pure consciousness you need something like that, just relax your body and take your focus off thoughts related to anxiety, just relax)

and I relaxed so deeply, I relaxed my body and mind while daydreaming but as soon as I started to feel the symptoms it was so intense, like falling, spinning and being sucked at the same time. and I focused so much on the symptoms that I ended up losing focus and consciousness returned to 3D.

but I remembered when I was a beginner in all this and I read a blog (if I find the link I'll put it here for you)

https://at.tumblr.com/princess200417/697183954837569536/h6gg9e7y98bg

in which the blogger said the following

"Sit down or lay down in the most comfortable position to you

Start breathing in and out slowly and imagine/picture a black space or a black hole or just a black image in general ,so this can help you in feeling closer to void (ofc it's not necessary)

Now start AFFIRMING I'm void or any other blanket void affirmation/affirmations of your personal preference"

She also said to make affirmations during the day, such as "Void is instant easy and simple ," "I am God," and I remembered that when I did this for the first time, I was a little sleepy. All I did was read this blogger's post again, lay down, and close my eyes. I didn't think about anything. All I did was affirm without forcing myself. The symptoms were so intense. However, I wasn't anxious or desperate.

So, I didn't care about the symptoms. I kept affirming. I remember that the way I induced pure consciousness was so fast. I just hadn't affirmed anything because there was nothing I wanted to manifest. Then I just affirmed that I was going to go out, and when I did, I realized that I was still asleep. Then I woke up. Some time later, I did it again and manifested that I was going to pass a very important test for me. And guess what? I passed all the tests.

And now remembering this I feel upset with myself, for having consumed too much and having let things get out of control and become a little difficult. Until a while ago I was telling myself that I would manifest my dream life, but I was always putting it off until tomorrow and it was always like that, 5 months went by while I was procrastinating. Now I realized how much time I wasted, and I feel upset with myself. But I remembered that I have already induced pure consciousness, what is getting in my way is despair and anxiety, but now I will control this and manifest my dream life, I will send you my success story very soon :)

I hope this is like a little warning to everyone who is on this journey, I know that everyone's circumstances may be as difficult as mine, but never give up. Try to stop this despair, focus on who you are. You are gods, the co-creator of your own reality, don't give up and don't put off until tomorrow what you can and have the power to do today!!!

congrats on inducing pure consciousness and passing your exams!! it may not be your dream life, but hey! you still have a testimony to share, and ik you'll share your dream life testimony soon!! 💗💗

just apply your reminders, and ik i'll see your next success story! don't stress urself either! 💞

[y-vna]

Just so it's clear, one of my big dni crits is this:

TW: My rant includes HEAVY topics of ed (eating disorders) and intentionally starving yourself/unhealthy weight loss 🙁.

This post is also ULTRA long, will definitely contain grammar and spelling mistakes, and I'm not going to say 100% everything here is accurate information, as I'm a human and I make mistakes too.

Let me get this clear, I dont mean anyone harm with this post. My intention isn't to hate or attack/hurt anyone to make them feel upset. I know that having an ed is a serious matter. I have friends and family who actively have/had these kinds of eds, so im not uneducated on this subject and I do understand it to a very in-depth degree. This is not to say I know everything about this topic, however.

It is definitely not easy to recover from, and lots of people struggle from it every day. I am NOT saying people with this disorder are any less human than anyone else. I'm saying it's toxic for those who do have it since it actually harms your body a lot, and pushing it on others (not the fact you have it in the first place) is something I don't support.

So respectfully, if you do support/promote eds as a positive thing, or are/follow/interact with blogs who do, BLOCK ME AND DNI. thank you.

I love everyone for who they are inside, regardless of what their body looks like. And I'm telling you right now, as someone who tried so hard to have a perfect body and stop eating bc im super insecure, it's not worth it, and it makes you feel so shitty. I love you, whoever is reading this, no matter what. So please don't change who you are just to make others happy :( <3

--

So I was looking thru tumblr, and this one post kept getting shown to me where people were talking about basically the idea of: "its worth it to keep losing that undesired weight, you'll see results soon" as like a motivational thing. The tags (straight up tells you it's supposed to be inspo to becoming skinny and supports the idea having an ed is the only way to get a dream bod), and their whole blog had ed encouragement/motivation. To keep...starving, i guess.?? Despite their user being about being strong and healthy, nothing about this is healthy or keeps your body strong.

I didn't decide to write a whole rant about just that part of the post because I didn't start getting super concerned until i read the notes/comments (since i had seen a lot of these 'tw : ed' blogs before already). What I saw was that tons of users were promoting starving yourself as a goal and a good thing, and basically glorifying having an ed. And also using kpop idols with skinny and perfect figures like wonyoung to tell others that (almost a literal direct quote from this user-) 'us ed people don't want to be helped and we won't stop starving ourselves until we reach the weight we want.'

"You see it as negativity cause you're not disordered." KEEP IN MIND THE PERSON THEY'RE TALKING TO USED TO ACTUALLY HAVE AN ED (the screenshot below is the person they were talking to). I understand you can't push people to get help if they don't want it, but you have to draw a line when you start saying that every person with ed doesn't want help, which just isnt true. I looked at their blog, and it was all just calculating how many calories they ate and burned every day. Most of the posts they basically only totaled 300 calories a day. THAT IS SUPER SICK ☹️. An average human needs like 2000+ calories a day. It actively influences people to copy them by posting and blogging this SUPER unhealthy weight loss. It IS NOT positive on any level. It does nothing good for you. You won't feel any happier when you look in the mirror if all you can feel is pure hunger because you won't give your body what it needs. This is so sad to me because all the comments had people trying to ask how to start starving themselves, and every blog I clicked on all had ed triggers on their posts and bios. Some of those blogs were saying NOT to become like them because they can't see themselves recovering now that they're in too deep.

As said by people online who actually had and got through having an ed, they have explained it is very unhealthy and they were glad to recover. So even though I do not have an ed, and you might think I shouldn't be "judging" people who have them, there are plenty of formerly ed diagnosed people who know the bad effect it has on others/had on them because they can accurately relate. You can still educate people on a subject even if you yourself do not have to suffer from it/have it, as long as you're doing it properly with proven facts (literally all credible research you do anywhere backed by science and experts will prove eds aren't healthy). People educate themselves to teach others about other illnesses, ongoing or past wars in history, etc, they don't have firsthand experience with/from. And they can still be just as valid sometimes.

My whole point here is that on tumblr and so many other social media platforms, I keep seeing people (posts like this and whole blogs centered around this stuff,) encouraging (mainly young) girls to stop eating altogether to have a body that society and other people are more satisfied with. That's why, for a while, I also tried to do the same because of the people saying it was a positive thing to gain a bad relationship with food and start counting your calories to be perfect. I'm also someone who struggles with body image and being shamed for gaining weight. But at some point hou need to realize hurting your body and mental state is SO WRONG. NOBODY is perfect. So don't push you or anyone else to be. I learned this, and I get its super hard to ignore the judgment forced onto you by society and your surroundings, but there will be people who appreciate you just how you are now. Like me.

So with all that said, the moral here is:

Don't starve urself (on purpose. Bc some people genuinely have trouble eating and starve themselves non intentionally. I have friends who do this 😭)

You're perfect how u are now without being as slim as your idols (and even K-pop idols don't tell others usually to be like them because they know that their companies forcing them to strictly control their weight isn't something they want fans to look up to).

Don't force (potential) ed on others

Don't encourage unhealthy relationship with your body and food

I do support people with eds, as long as they aren't trying to make it something others should look up to, and aspire to have.

If you are someone who wants to normalize having an ed as healthy or positive, please do not interact with this blog and feel free to block me :(

Thank you for reading, have a good day and ily for whoever is reading this. 💗💖💓💕

[xxkellsvixen19xx]

Sweet Blasphemy Andy Biersack X Reader

Word Count: 1,467

Warning: Discussion on self harm & depression, religion (God mentioned), swearing, suicidal thoughts

Lyrics Used: Sweet Blasphemy by Black Veil Brides

Scars.

She had an abundance.

Her wrists, her thighs, her hips, her sides.

A scar here, a newer cut there, look around you'll see them everywhere.

Some from a blade, some from shards of glass, some just purely accidents.

Should she cover them? Let them show? This is an answer she truly doesn't know.

She isn't ashamed, but certainly not proud.

Her cuts have now all healed and scars started to fade. 

She's ok.

*********************************************

The grass spreading across the plain

In one year withers, flourishes again

Burned by prairie fire doesn’t go to waste

By a spring wind blowing with new life is graced.

"My love for you is deeper than your cuts, deeper than everything else." He whispered softly pulling her close.

"Y/N?" She heard Andy's voice and looked up. She was about to wipe her tears away when he interrupted her pulling her into a hug. 

Andy grabbed her hand holding it under the table his thumb rubbing softly over the back of her hand. 

She looked straight up into his face and saw something she had never seen before…. acceptance. 

Just as she was about to cry she felt a pair of arms around her pulling her close. Looking up to see Andy's face she couldn't stop her tears from falling. She started sobbing softly and couldn't stop. She usually didn't show her weakness around others but something about him was different. He seemed trustworthy and she had this strange feeling in her stomach. 

"Y/N no matter what anyone says, I am here for you." Andy whispered lightly pulling out of the hug to stroke a strand of her hair behind her ear. 

𝖂𝖊 𝖆𝖗𝖊 𝖞𝖔𝖚𝖓𝖌 𝖆𝖓𝖉 𝖜𝖊 𝖆𝖗𝖊 𝖘𝖙𝖗𝖔𝖓𝖌

𝕿𝖍𝖗𝖔𝖚𝖌𝖍 𝖘𝖙𝖗𝖊𝖓𝖌𝖙𝖍 𝖎𝖓 𝖘𝖊𝖑𝖋 𝖜𝖊 𝖇𝖊𝖈𝖔𝖒𝖊

𝕾𝖔𝖒𝖊𝖙𝖍𝖎𝖓𝖌 𝖒𝖔𝖗𝖊 𝖙𝖍𝖆𝖓 𝖙𝖍𝖊𝖞 𝖈𝖆𝖓 𝖇𝖊

𝕴 𝖗𝖆𝖎𝖘𝖊 𝖒𝖞 𝖍𝖊𝖆𝖗𝖙 𝖆𝖓𝖉 𝖘𝖎𝖓𝖌

𝕿𝖍𝖆𝖙 𝕴 𝖜𝖔𝖓'𝖙 𝖇𝖊𝖑𝖎𝖊𝖛𝖊 𝖙𝖍𝖎𝖘 𝖑𝖎𝖊

𝕴 𝖐𝖓𝖔𝖜 𝖙𝖍𝖊𝖗𝖊'𝖘 𝖘𝖔𝖒𝖊𝖙𝖍𝖎𝖓𝖌 𝖒𝖔𝖗𝖊 𝖎𝖓𝖘𝖎𝖉𝖊

𝖂𝖍𝖊𝖓 𝖉𝖆𝖗𝖐𝖓𝖊𝖘𝖘 𝖎𝖘 𝖆𝖑𝖑 𝖞𝖔𝖚 𝖘𝖊𝖊

𝕿𝖍𝖎𝖘 𝖎𝖘 𝖔𝖚𝖗 𝖘𝖜𝖊𝖊𝖙 𝖇𝖑𝖆𝖘𝖕𝖍𝖊𝖒𝖞

She slowly shook her head, her beautiful eyes were full of pain and sadness. But not the physical kind, but more the kind of pain that gets caused by words and will never fully heal. This was the exact reason why Andy told himself to protect her at all costs, he was her guardian angel. 

Her Good Samaritan is black-haired, blue-eyed, and drop dead gorgeous, the complete embodiment of her perfect man, but he’s more than what he seems. The strange familiarity in his eyes, his touch. 

Her knight in shining armor had arrived after all. She'd never dreamed her prince charming would turn out to be a guardian angel, but life was full of surprises.

The moment Andy saved her human life for the first time, a moment also drowned by tears and agony. He found it ironic even then that he had been alive for thirty years as a human, he had never felt this peculiar and distinct connection. 

I remember when Andy first saw the cuts along my wrist it wasn't easy trying to explain it honestly. When he asked me why this was the only way I felt I could explain it….

The sting of a cut would push me into reality. It evaporated the numbness I felt inside and helped me feel real and alive. 

It helped me smile and pretend that I was okay. Over time though The more I cut, the more tol­erance I had for it, so I had to cut deeper and more often.

At that point, I had a collection of what I referred to as tools, each tool for a different cut. I had three, five, and single blades. The three and five were mostly for use at home, but the single was my travel blade. It was more discrete because it was small­er, and I could do a quick cut in the bathroom stall. If I were re­ally desperate, I would cut right in class. When you have an ad­diction like cutting, it becomes more than a coping method; it becomes a lifestyle, a skill. Cutting was my skill and I had it down to a science.

Andy's POV…..

It can be hard to understand why someone you love might injure himself or herself on purpose.

Some people turn to this behavior when they have problems or painful feelings and haven't found another way to cope or get relief.

Most of the time, people who cut themselves don't talk about it or let others know they’re doing it. But sometimes they confide in a someone. Sometimes someone might find out in another way.

Y/N looked so sad she didn't realize that the pain seemed obvious but it was way more to my eyes than she even realized.

Though she did her best to not show emotion in front of people once saying it was a sign of weakness. But when she started sobbing there was no way she could control it. It killed me to see her so upset, I pulled her tightly to me hugging her close.

It took a little bit but she started to calm down, "Your heartbeat is soothing, I don't understand why but for some reason it is." She admitted to me after a long silence. 

Y/N POV…..

I didn't know or understand how but being with Andy brought me peace. I never would have thought a single person could make the pain go away but somehow this f*cked up universe managed to prove me wrong. 

This small act was enough to let you know that someone actually truly cared and to be honest it was all you really wanted was to be at peace instead of your soul constantly at war. 

Before now….. before Andy it hurt. There's not much left to smile at, not much left inside you that knows how to smile. The once warm space behind your ribs was cold and dry – a wrinkled chamber where all traces of a heart have been scraped out – and you wondered why you still bothered to stay alive more often than you cared to admit. 

You can't die , a voice echoes in your head, you've been cursed beyond your time; you life.

There aren't many lucky days in your life, but today is one of them. 

A rarity – lonely, candid flower on a mountaintop; glowing gemstone encased in rough, dead dirt – and you cradle it so close and so tight with all the fear of losing one blissful little moment.

Andy is beautiful. He always is, whether you see him in sweaty, jogging clothes or in a pristine, carefully picked out outfit. He's beautiful like this – washed out jeans and black leather jacket draped over slender shoulders clad in a black t shirt. The light shines in his eyes, it illuminates everything that surrounds him, putting the Sun to shame. It shines over all the shadows, warms all the bones in your body.

"If I could give you one thing in life, I would give you the ability to see yourself through my eyes, then you would realize how special you are to me." 

'Do you believe in God?" Your cousin asked one day what seemed ages ago. Given that she was a die hard religious holy roller her response was of no surprise to you. "I do I absolutely believe in God."

"I don't know exactly what I believe in but I believe there is something bigger than me out there." 

The depression seemed to just get worse one day Andy asked you "Do you want to talk about it?"

You shrugged "I don't see why talking about it would make it any better." 

"It won't make it better." He'd responded "but not everything is about making things better." He paused placing his hand over the top of yours. "Sometimes you need to get things off your chest, speak your truth into the universe. You won't get anything from it but sometimes some emotions are too much to keep inside. You carry a sort of a burden and it hurts you more in the long run." 

You feel two strong arms wrap themselves around you. The intoxicating smell of of deodorant or aftershave makes him smell so damn good. "I got you baby girl." His deep voice rumbles in your ear and a calmness washes over you. 

"I know your going through a lot and don't want to intrude I just want to tell you that I'm here for you." Andy twirled one of his fingers around a single strand of your hair that had fallen in front of your face. There were times where words weren't necessary to exchange and that was just fine the simple act of just simply being around one another was enough really and all that you really needed. 

[ouyangzizhensdad]

I'm reading through some of your meta and in the one about WWX possibly weaponizing MXY being gay you mention how MXY being a molester was fabricated. I agree with this but I always thought that this was a personal headcanon and didn't realize that it was supported by canon. If you're up to it, please may you point me to where it might say this?

Hi anon, 

I’m sad to report that there isn’t a scene where JGY admits before a jury that yes, it was I, I fabricated the claims against Mo Xuanyu, who was a hapless victim all along! which would be convenient for winning arguments quickly and easily. But, I promise you, so long as we read between the lines, it is undeniable that we are meant to understand by the end of the novel that the accusations leveled against Mo Xuanyu were baseless and that he was another victim of JGY’s (and NHS’s!) machinations.

Beyond a purely thematic reading of the novel, which would  therefore highlight  that the theme around how public opinion is willing to believe accusations and condemn without material or sensible proof (particularly so when it comes to people who do not hold a lot of power within society, those who are the Other) is one that is repeated across many characters, the narrative reveal of JGY’s true personality and actions indicates that the accusations against MXY were just  another ploy of JGY’s. 

At the very beginning of the novel, when WWX looks through Mo Xuanyu’s things, he’s able to piece out together that Mo Xuanyu’s “lunacy” seemed rooted in a deep and paranoiac fear of.... something. MXY didn’t just get thrown out of the Sect in disgrace--something clearly happened to him, or he clearly witnessed something that scared him out of his senses. 

“after he returned, he seemed to have gone completely mad—although no one could tell what kind of shock he’d suffered. He had good days and bad ones. It was as if he had been scared witless.” [Chapter 1]

Further into the novel, it is revealed that MXY didn’t actually harass his “peers” but actually only one person: Jin Guangyao. Right after this reveal, we also learn that MXY used to treat JGY with the utmost respect and deference. While Jin Ling seems to misunderstand this past deification of JGY as a side-effect of MXY’s presumed feelings for him, as readers we can see how it actually raises doubts into the claims leveraged against MXY, as it would then seem very out of character for MXY to disrespect JGY by harassing him (especially if one considers that the risks of harassing his powerful half-brother definitely would not outweigh the benefits....).

“Don’t listen to [JGY],” said Wei Wuxian. “Let me tell you—when you grow older, you’ll find out that there are more and more people you want to beat up, but you’ll have to force yourself to get along with them nicely. So, since you’re still young, go beat up all the people you want. At such an age, if you don’t have a few proper fights, your life won’t be complete.”

Jin Ling’s face betrayed faint yearning, yet he still sounded contemptuous, “What are you talking about? Shushu’s advice is for my own good.”

After he spoke, he suddenly remembered that the past Mo Xuanyu had always regarded Jin Guangyao as a deity. He definitely would not have disagreed with Jin Guangyao in any way. Yet, now he was saying not to listen to him. Was it that he really did not hold any improper thoughts toward Jin Guangyao anymore?

(we also learn that Zewu-jun never knew about what supposedly happened, or even who MXY was, which again.....fishy.... JGY what are you hiding...... not mentioning someone harassed you to your bff is one thing, but not introducing him to your half-bro?.... )

Then! Almost right after we learn all this new information, it is also revealed through WWX’s paperman adventures and NMJ’s adventures that JGY is not who he has presented himself to be: he is a master manipulator, who has lied and continues to lie to preserve his position and to eliminate people he perceives as threatening the place he carved for himself in sweat and tears and blood. 

At this point, the deal is pretty much sealed: we have an unreliable witness in the man we now know to be able to do incredibly scary and cruel things (a knowledge that will only be reinforced by the end of the novel once NHS’ plan is completed). What actually happened, how MXY went from someone who deified JGY to someone who would need to be sent away in disgrace and scared into silence and compliance, all this is not told to us by the novel. It is possible that JGY might have seen MXY as a potential accomplice to his deeds (like he did his other half-brother, XY) (EDIT: I DREAMED UP THAT XY was one of JGS’s bastard children, please disregard it), or that he might have seen MXY as a potential threat to his position because of they shared a father--honestly, I can see many possibilities here! 

Also, it is important to consider that even the claim of MXY’s “lunacy”  is pretty fraught and ambiguous. The novel ends up setting up the idea that MXY’s erratic behaviour was related to him being scared (as we see in the and frustrated at the injustice he received at the hands of both the Jin Sect and his family (for example, this piece of shino meta)

Finally, it’s a good time to remember that even MXY’s sacrifice was not a decision he made on his own: he was once again the victim of a mastermind with much more power and influence than he could ever dream to have. After all, the novel takes pain to explain to us that NHS’s schemes for revenge depended on MXY sacrificing himself (passage under the cut because this post is getting long!)

“Nie-zongzhu,” Wei Wuxian asked again. “I heard that you often travel between the Gusu Lan sect and the Lanling Jin sect, am I right?”

“That’s right.”

“Then did you really not recognize Mo Xuanyu?”

“Ah?” Nie Huaisang’s face twitched slightly. 

“I remember that the first time I met you after my soul had been offered into his body, you acted as if you did not recognize me, and even asked Hanguang-jun who I was. Mo Xuanyu was then entangled anyhow with Jin Guangyao during that time* and was able to access even his secret collections, and you often went to find Jin-zongzhu to complain. Even if you and Mo Xuanyu were not familiar with each other, did you really not see him before at all?”

Nie Huaisang scratched his head, saying, “Wei-xiong, Jinlintai is so huge, I can’t possibly recognize everyone, even if I’ve seen them, I can’t remember. Moreover…” 

Looking rather awkward, he continued, “You know about Mo Xuanyu’s identity back then, it’s slightly…...the Lanling Jin sect had tried their best to hide it, so it wouldn’t have been surprising if I had never met him before. Even Xichen-ge may not have met him before.”

“Oh, that’s true. Zewu-jun did not know who Mo Xuanyu was either.”

“Right! And what I don’t understand is, even if I had seen Mo Xuanyu before, why would I pretend not to recognize him? Was there such a need?”

Wei Wuxian laughed and replied, “Nothing much, I just thought it strange and was casually asking. 

However, he thought, He was simply trying to see whether the ‘Mo Xuanyu’ he met was the real one.

For someone who was said to have been cowardly and weak, where would have Mo Xuanyu gotten the courage to sacrifice himself and offer his soul?

And as for Chifeng-zun’s left hand, why was it discarded? It could not be that Jin Guangyao would accidentally lose it.

Moreover, why was it that it happened to appear right at the Mo family residence, just when Wei Wuxian had been reincarnated, but not somewhere else? 

If Chifeng-zun’s body had been buried by the QingheNie sect, would Nie Huaisang, who had always respected his older brother, not notice that his body had disappeared all these years?

Wei Wuxian was inclined to believe an alternative situation. 

[...]

As such, [NHS] thought of another person; Mo Xuanyu, who had just been kicked out of the Golden Pavilion. 

Perhaps in order to let Mo Xuanyu listen to him, Nie Huaisang had already spoken to him before and heard from an upset and anguished Mo Xuanyu that he had seen one of Jin Guangyao’s scrolls of forbidden spells recording a certain ancient demonic spell. He then took advantage of the Mo Xuanyu, who was then humiliated and bullied by his clan, to persuade him to perform the spell as revenge**. 

And which fierce corpse would he summon?

Naturally, he would summon the Yiling Patriarch.

Unable to bear the days of humiliation any longer, Mo Xuanyu finally drew the array, and Nie Huaisang also took the chance to throw out the hot potato that was burning his hand: ChiFeng-Zun’s left arm.

From there on, his plan had begun and he no longer had to spend his own time and energy to find Nie Mingjue’s remaining body, leaving the dangerous and troublesome job to Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji. All he had to do was watch their actions closely. [Chapter 109]

*I changed the translation here, which originally said that “Mo Xuanyu was harassing Jin Guangyao” since I find (at least with my limited linguistic skills lmao) that the original is much more ambivalent. The clause is  莫玄羽当年好歹也纠缠过金光瑶, and the use of  好歹 signals to me toward ambivalence, which is further compounded by the fact that the verb  纠缠 does not necessarily translate to harassment. So I doubt that the original intent was to suggest that WWX was saying to NHS: shouldn’t you have known the dude who was harassing JGY? Anyone who knows Chinese more than I do is free to come and correct me if I am completely wrong in my assessment.

**Okay I changed the translation here again because the translation I was working with made it seem as if MXY was motivated by shame? but the original Chinese says  他便怂恿当时饱受族人欺辱的莫玄羽 which to me clearly points to his treatment by the Mo family/clan and to the fact that it was something being done unto him, not a state of mind he had. 

[marshmallowprotection]

Kait Reacts To The AE 8/?

Hi! These reactions are written out every time a Chatroom opens and it’s done over the course of the day. So, you’re watching me react in real time as it is for me. So, Spoilers AHOY. Expect Another post like this later today, there is just too many chats to put it all in one post. So, hey, if you click this, you’re opening yourself to spoilers, you make the choice.

[11:11]

Well, I knew it was coming but I didn’t want it to be coming. Rika comes into the chatroom and lets us know very clearly once more that nothing can change and that we need to accept that. She said that Prime Minister is coming tomorrow in preparation for... he expects to make sure the boys don’t fight him. I’m not really sure what he wants apart from that and I don’t want to. My worst fear is murder but clearly, he is going to use them as puppets and keep them holed away like Rika’s toys. It’s like we’re living in her godforsaken dollhouse. 

She notes that Saeyoung isn’t trouble. He’s drugged. Saeran... she points out that he ran once, he may run again. She and V are clearly suspicious of what he is doing since he came with nothing, and both note to me that maybe it’s just their nerves and he’s really given up because he knows “there’s no other way to get through this.” 

It’s not much to note. I’m just annoyed. I don’t want to even expend the energy on her or V anymore. I’m checked out with them and I’m not even bothering. It just isn’t worth my energy. I’m never forgiving them. I’ve already made my mind pretty clear on that subject. I just cannot. And, trust me, it’s about to get a whole lot worse. She and Saeran are back from the Agents and the Visual Novel is about to start. 

And let me tell you that  I nearly dropped my phone when this happened. I could feel myself already suffocated to see this. If I thought that I was hurting when we saw what happened to Saeyoung, I don’t know, this is a million times worse or at the very least, on the same fucking level of unsettling me to my very core. Well, it’s this moment that I know that I’m clenching my fists at my sides and using all my strength not to lash out at Rika. I don’t know how I would handle this. I don’t know. I don’t know how I would keep my level head that I normally have when I have to confront these traumatizing things. 

I think in the end, I’d just cry because I can’t do anything.

Yes, Rika straight-up tied him up by the ankles. Yes, he is lost is a in triggered daze. Yes, I’m fucking upset. She tells him that he should get used to this for the time being but she’ll let him go when things are “perfect and she’s sure that he will behave.” She leaves. 

I can gently nudge him and he snaps from his stupor as quickly as I can and he snaps out of it only to breathe a sigh of relief because we’re there with him and he can find solace in that fact. I know that we’re about to have a really serious talk but I’m trying not to fixate on the abuse of him at Rika’s hands.

He’s relieved. I’m momentarily relieved. He says that he’s able to feel calm in spite of this storm because of this. He’s just so happy to see us again. He’s still bothered by what he has gone through, but he does look a lot more at ease with the unease in his heart. At least, I know that he’s okay. He’s not suffocating by what I feared that he was, but I think I’m more upset about it than he is. He admits that his mother used to do this to you, and I know he’s mentioned it before during his route but... seeing it is....

A lot different than hearing about it. And that’s when he drops the biggest fucking fear I’ve had into my lap.

He hates this. But, he feels like he has to do this. He is going to... sorry, I’m still. I’m still crying right now it’s really hard to type. He said that he can’t get out of this, and that he wants to get Saeyoung out of here so at least he can be free and that we can continue living on. I don’t want that, but you can’t reason with him, we’re both crying. He wants us to hear out the plan because... this is what he wants to happen because he doesn’t see another option. 

These brothers are going to be the death of because with how selfless they are. I can’t even really call them out about it. I would sacrifice myself just as quickly. I guess we’re all stubborn and have that in common. Saeran explains that Vanderwood helped him escape, and that they went back to Jumin. Jumin took members of the former intelligence team and formed his own group in a single fucking day with Jaehee at his side. Jumin is the one that told Zen to lie and make sure that nobody would know about this. Vanderwood and Saeran got into the agency but—

Saeran only had time to hack half of it. 

His plan is that Saeyoung, once freed, should be able to finish it and be free from his chains. I... sorry. Everyone is awake with the RFA now. Jumin is still risking it all for us. Everyone is risking so much for Saeran, Saeyoung, and me, and I just... I’m sorry. 

I don’t want to leave him. I tell him but... he’s resolute. He say that once Saeyoung is able to take down the agency, Saejoong will lose his power and they will be able to do whatever they can to right the wrongs committed against the RFA. I’m literally bawling at this point, and I’m asking him what is going to happen to him when we leave him behind because—

Rika, V, and everyone else that is against us are going to destroy him once we get out of here. They’re going to hurt him. They’re going to—

I can’t. I can’t. I can’t I can’t do this. 

Saeran, please. 

Who had “Send Kaitlyn in a fucking bawling mess because he said what he said during V Route when Ray blew up the fucking building because he felt like his life was worth nothing anymore but he couldn’t fucking leave without telling us that his love for us would never die,” on their fucking bingo card because you jus won the game. 

I cannot express into words upset I am. This was beautifully written but I don’t want to leave him. I had to stifle my own sobs because it’s so early in the day and I didn’t want to wake up anyone and say that my fictional boyfriend just did this to me. There’s so much that I want to say about this but... I can’t. I’m just so in a state of being overwhelmed. I wasn’t okay after V Route. I sat there for a long time after that happened. I couldn’t. I just couldn’t. I can’t right now either. I love this man so much, I hope he knows that. 

Please, this isn’t the end of you. 

Please. 

There’s a call with Zen after this. They knew. They fucking knew what he was going to do but they didn’t tell me. They’re expecting me. Zen tried to cheer me up and say that we’re going to save him, he knows that Saeran means everything to us but he wants us to stay positive because fear only festers and gets worse as it grows. I called V after because I needed to hear what he had to say. Once again, he threatened me being “polite” about it. He said that he does not want me to get hurt but... It’s implied every fucking time. 

I’m done with you, Jihyun. 

He tries to force me to talk about everything but I bite my tongue and basically tell him to fuck off. I’m done. I’m so fucking done. I’m checked out and I cannot stand you. Burn if you want to burn, Jihyun, but I’m not going to let you burn Saeran and Saeyoung because you’ve given up on everything and turned your fucking back on everything. 

[12:48]

So. Hey. This was a short one. Rika pointedly is back to her bullshit. She's just... trying to make him.think and agree with her that the past is in the past but it isn't. Just because Saeran was willing to say he doesn't hate someone doesn't mean that he is willing to forgive someone who has continued to hurt him time and time again in his life.

She's fully denying things and telling him to act like a child. She wants to live in willful ignorance of her own misdeeds and pretend her dollhouse life she's planning is going to be perfect for him... for Saeyoung. It's not. Saeran is actually doing this with a lot of grace and care. I know he's sad and resolute. I know. But, he's not going to crack here. He has resigned himself but he wants to enjoy the time that we do have together for as long as we can do so.

Saeran points out that she must feel lonely and hurt herself after what she's gone through and how things went at Mint Eye since it was taken down the minute she left with V. He's offering a small shred of sympathy but it ain't much, trust me. He's trying to distract Rika and V so a lot of this is him playing a part. He calls right after this one and we talk a little. We talk about how strong he has become and he thanks me for being there for him even though I remind him that he saved himself from hell. He notes I'm too humble, that we make each other strong.

He says that I'm an angel for being kind to him and sharing my love. He days our love is like a soft white light, pure, and easy to see. We talk about what Saeyoung may do when he leaves, but I end by saying that he'll be sad without him there. Saeran says sadness will pass. That it will be okay. He will send his love to me in my dreams time and time again. I'm having an aura migraine right now and I think I sparked it by getting so upset. Haha. I offer to check on Saeyoung, he heard something?

Rika and V are out shopping. Rika notes that she cannot stand how Saeran is acting. She doesn't at all want to deal with this... kindness? She wants him to be silent and do as he did when he was a child and nothing more. She literally wants to pretend that it's ten years ago. She is that deep into her selfish desires and she refuses to see anything but this. She darts off to grab fruits and we pause on V. I don't know what the hell is going on in this thick skull of his and at this point I am not even trying to gauge.

He knows he's wrong. I don't care what he thinks he's playing at anymore. He knows that he is a lot of ways in the wrong and buried his head into the sand again. At least you note that she will never change because she refuses to admit that she hurt other people. She would rather play house and pretend.

I hope you're happy with the outcome, V. No matter what you think you're doing, you're wrong here.

[14:07]

A lot happens here, honestly. This chatroom is spent with Saeran. It's a private log where he is repeating what he just said to us. That we will need to leave him and leave with Vanderwood and Saeyoung as soon as possible while he is distracting Rika and V. He doesn't know how he will do it but he's going to do it for as long as he can because he wants us to get far away before anyone can stop us. I point out that I don't want to leave and that Saeyoung, if awoken with the antidote, will not leave him behind. He says that we need to lie if we have to do it. He just needs us safe. He thinks this is the only way. I can't really argue with him, but. I'm clearly distraught and he knows it. He wants us to stay as close as we can to each other until the last moment we have.

He says that even if he suffers, he will feel okay when he thinks of me. He repeats what he said earlier and now I'm still upset. In this context, he says first and past love for himself. He isn't at all talking about us. I'll get to this, there's a call with Yoosung after this and he's having a crisis. He is shocked and upset. He says that the entire time he caught up to speed on the recorded work that they did, he saw Saeran so passionate and in love that he is envious. He wishes he could be loved like that because he isn't sure he's ready for love of that caliber yet. He says that it's so strong that it transcends anything and everything that he has. He is not selfish. He is selfless in the way that he loves.

And he's crying, I'm crying, we're both crying about this. He says to enjoy what time I have with him. Then, he asks if I know what is fueling him. I answer, the freedom of his brother. And, Yoosung sighs, "Your happiness is what he is putting first." Everything, all of this, Yoosung says that he is willing to die if it means I can live on happily.

But, I know I'll never truly be happy without him and we both just. Crack.

As far as the Visual novel goes, Rika leaves and then V gives us another kind gesture laden with threats. It's all about Rika. It's always about Rika. He warns Saeran that he better fake a mask for Rika because she could lash out. He wants this to be peaceful times ahead for Rika. He doesn't want more conflict but I say that he cannot bend Saeran to his will. Saeran agrees. He says that no one will bind him and he will not lose himself no matter what they do or say to him. His freedom was earned by his hands and nobody will rob him of that.

V says that he's decided to be trouble now, and Saeran says that V is clouded by an obsession to be an adult. I add that Rika is playing Peter Pan because she wants to live in a world of terrible falsehoods. V paused, "Do you think I can become an adult once things settle down, even though Rika cannot?"

No answer.

He realizes Saeran isn't budging. And he says he'll have to try another way.

Yoosung and Zen are together, and this is right before he called me crying. He's just so broken up about how unfair all of this. How they should be doing something and Zen agrees. Yoosung says that Saeran is going to die tonight if they can't do something and I know that he isn't wrong and it's my biggest fear. If they don't have the two of them and if they cannot control either of the twins, they'll just kill the two of them the second they get the chance. Zen isn't wrong to say that we shouldn't think about that but Yoosung is always right when it comes to this regard.

Zen sighs, noting that he's gotta watch himself because he's starting to sound like Jumin. He is the one that wanted to run to us the minute he woke up. I trust that. He's broken up too, and I just don't know what I'm going to do next. They say they need to think.

They need to figure something out before... his love for me will be gone and he'll never get to be truly free with Saeyoung because he'll be dead. I really hope not, Yoosung. This is my worst case scenario too.

You get a text message from V as well, after. He says you know, Caterpillars build a home with a hard wall. I say, they make it so they can spread their wings and be free. He responds, I wonder if Rika and I just made our shells harder. I don't know if he's having second thoughts but no matter what he does at this point I'm not going to forgive him. He committed to this and he did this. There's no denying it. Even if you try to make things right at this point I'm still never going to give you a chance. You just don't deserve it in my eyes. The Others May think differently but I really doubt it.

There's no mending your melted wings.

[lesbian-ed]

1/2 am I the only one who utterly despises the whole "sexuality is fluid uwu" narrative? on the outside you hear how sexuality is inborn, can't be changed, etc. that's why we need rights but once you go inside of things people starts screaming "everyone is a little bi" "hormones can change your sexual orientation" and all that purely homophobic shit and I'm just like? It makes me horribly scared of changing from ever being a lesbian because the sheer idea of me being with a man makes me suicidal

2/2 and while I completely know that that's not going to be the case (me changing) my irrationality sometimes takes over due to my poor mental health and me being already filled with internalized homophobia. And this entire narrative of change just seems incredibly homophobic. Homosexual is something you are or will never be, yes?

Yes. Just, yes. You’re not the only one, we of lesbian-ed fully agree with this, there is absolutely nothing fluid about sexuality. Sexuality is inherent, innate, and completely unchangeable. It is a biological reality that cannot be changed. Anyone who says they “turned” a certain sexuality, for whatever reason, was never whatever sexuality they claimed to be at first. 

It’s really disheartening that we’re still having to repeat this in goddamn 2020, but, oh well. It seems the trend of trying to force homosexual individuals into pretending or trying to be interested in people of the opposite sex will never stop. So here we are, and we will continue to say, again and again... Homosexuality is a biological reality, it cannot be changed or altered by any external factor. The only people who can feel attraction for people of the same and opposite sex are bisexuals, and no matter what kind of bullshit the regressive “left” has been spouting... No. Not everyone is bisexual. Fuck off with your thinly veiled attempt at trying to erase homosexuals from existence.

Funny how these people aren’t going after heterosexuals and trying to convince them that they’re also bi. Funny how it’s only homosexuals who somehow are supposed to open our eyes to the possibility of sexuality being fluid. 

Anyway, on a less angry and tired note... I’m sorry this upsets you. I got you, I know how you feel, and I too feel the same. I’ve lost count of how many traumatic dreams I’ve had about this kind of stuff. At the end of the day, all we can do is hold on tight to the reality of our lives. Being a lesbian isn’t something that can be changed, and it isn’t something you can lose. It’s not a personality trait, a preference, or whatever else people try to tell you.

You’re either a lesbian, or you’re not. And no one can take that from you. You won’t “turn”, because there’s nothing else to turn into. You’ll be okay. 

Take care, 

/Mod A

[shadowknight465]

Sons of the Moon

Is the warlock is evil as the legend said? If so then why do those things so that he can make my scythe?

Nightmare thought quietly while taking Dream to a road trip. He stop in surprise when he heard the cries of horses. He slowly turn his head to the sound, and saw the monstrous snail. "Moon,... you're being more quieter than usual; is something wrong?" Dream asked. "Lou Carcolh." Nightmare whispers. "Really? Let me see." Dream whispers as quietly as he could in excitement. The twins look the creature in awe. Both deciding they should camp here for tonight. Nightmare grab necessary items so they can make a smokeless fire. While Dream hunted a few animals and gather some berries. After they were done they went to hunt the largest bear they could, and use it's skin for a bed; while it's paws for pillows. Because they knew the creature takes life from any valley it could, they decide to camp in a cave. "Bonne nuit, lunaire." Dream whispers, as he is frightened by the desperate cries of the equestrians. "Bonne nuit, peu de soleil." Nightmare reply back. The dreams he had weren't as pleasant as he thought it would be. He keeps seeing so many people that reminded him of Dream turning into fire elemental-spider-like entities. He struggled to try to control his dreams when he woke up. Seeing Dream paralyzed, while looking sick to his stomach. "Is something wrong Dream?" Nightmare whispered. "I-I saw her.." Dream mutter under his breath. "Who?" Nightmare asked. "Les Lavandière..." Dream replied. "What?"

"I woke up feeling really thirsty and decided to take a drink from the river, and that's when I saw her..." Nightmare try to analyze the situation. "Who's clothes was she washing?" Nightmare asked firmly. Dream's eyes widen. "I only saw her eyes before she screamed." Realizing he forgot that one simple thing to do whenever he sees a ghost like her. "I'm sorry-"

"You're just terrified so don't be." Nightmare reminded him. The brothers comfort each other until they fall asleep on each other's arms.

~~~~~~~~

"Dream, The croissants are ready." Nightmare call his brother. No answer. "Dream?" Nightmare called out again while removing his apron. He then heard some laughing, and followed the sound of leaves shaking. Seeing a few of his bullies, and Dream on top of a tree. "DAYDREAMER! GET YOUR HIPBONE BACK DOWN RIGHT NOW!" Nightmare yelled with a hint of worried in his voice.

"Daydreamer?" He overheard a bully. "Its what my brother calls me when I'm in deep trouble, or if he's worried." Dream answered. " Daydreamer." Nightmare calls again. "I got to go, see ya." Dream told everyone goodbye. "Is something wrong?" Dream walk towards him. "Breakfast." Nightmare answered. Dream got confused there's only remembers he skipped breakfast. " OH! Breakfast; what are we having?" Dream asked. "Croissants; with a new recipe." Nightmare replied as they went back. Dream took a look at the croissants, and noticed some brown stuff. "Cinnamon?" Dream asked. Nightmare shook his skull as he began eating. Dream took a bite. "Chocolate."

Nightmare nodded. As the twins were eating, Dream say something that was almost out of his character. "You know sometimes I think these chocolate croissant you made remind me at the moon."

"Because of the crescent shape?" Nightmare guessed. "That and itself."

"Hmm?"

"On the outside the moon may seem beautiful, yet plain; but if you break them you can see some dark secrets it's been hiding." Dream explains. Not knowing it made Nightmare feel guilty about giving him a amnesia spell. Plus some worrying? Maybe he's just over analyzing. "Moon, are you ok?" Dream snapped out Nightmare's thoughts. "Y-Yeah just doze off for a bit." Nightmare reply." Then again, Dream did beg Nightmare to give him that amnesia spell since no one else can do it for some reason. "Before I forget. A friend of mine is going to labor, and she asked me to see her baby, and the trip is a day away from here, plus 10 by catching up to do; so you think you can take care of the tree on your own?" Dream asked. Nightmare nodded. Knowing this is a perfect opportunity to go out at night without being question. "Sure. Just grab what you need, and I'll give you a navigation book. This time with guides." Nightmare replies. " I am not going to go till tomorrow, so I think I have some time for us to have a conversation." Dream said.

Nightmare thought about the 200 year old urban legend. How is scared of him and Dream at the same time, yet none of them said their thoughts about it.

"Remember that 200 year old urban legend? With the half demon half heroes being massacred?" Nightmare started the conversation. His first time doing that actually. "It send me chills every time I think about it, why?"

"Well it's because I've been trying to find what gender is that moon demon character is. I mean I get that the moon demon is born a girl, yet she wants to be a boy so should we regress her or him as his/her preferred gender?" Nightmare dance around the truth while trying to see if Dream also sees Moon as a boy. Even if the Moon wasn't born one. "Thank God, you were also thinking about that." Dream expresses relief.

"I thought I was the only one who thought of about that." He later explains. He took a sip of his tea. "Personally I think we should address Moon as a boy. Because if it makes him uncomfortable being a dress as a girl, then address him as a boy." Nightmare smiles. "Do you remember the other eleven urban legends where the main character is basically suffering the same thing?"

"If those characters were still alive today I want to address them as what they want to be, and maybe try to get all of them to be your friends."

"Hm?"

Dream put his cup aside. "Do you remember the stories you tell me? All of them are basically outcast just like you are; so I thought birds of a feather flock together in a way?" Dream tries his hardest to explain.

"What about the girl that had a crush on Moon? Better yet all those people that seems to be their only friends?"

Nightmare asked. Both of them knowing full well that he was referring to all 11 urban legends embodiments of evil, being outcast, for them to be scapegoats.

Dream fell silent.

Did I upset him?"

Nightmare thought. "Dream?"

Dream woke up from his trance. "Sorry, it's just... all of them are extremely toxic, or abusive in some form to those poor scapegoats; and yet for some reason I see their reasonings while feeling connected to them-don't get me wrong I'm very angry about what they done to their friend. I just wish that they could've done better." Dream answered holding his cup hastily. Nightmare thought of the 11 victims, and wonder if they're all connected somehow until.

"EKK!" Dream yelled. Nightmare realized he was in a trance again, and ran went to see the problem. "What is it?" Nightmare asked. Dream pointed at a orange golden spider that's as big as his hand on his bed. Nightmare took a closer look at it to see what kind of spider is it, so he can be sure if it's venomous, or not. Surprisingly it's not the spiders he ever read about. Nightmare knew that he has to take a risk, but he needs more information. Nightmare walk towards, and cupped the spider with his hands. No reaction.

Maybe it's dead?

Nightmare use his thumbs to rub the spider's adamant, and felt a warm beating heart. He knows he'll look crazy in front of his brother, but it's worth a try.

"Hey little guy, what's wrong?" Nightmare asked while placing it down on a desktop. The spider makes a web with the words. "My friend needs help."

Nightmare took a seat along with Dream.

"Where is your friend?" Dream asked. Spider rearrange his web. "At the fountain the giants got him." The twins look each other, then remember the new fountain.

Nightmare grabbed the spider, and place it on his shoulder. Lucky for them the bullies got away. However they didn't expect an octopus to be spider's friend. The octopus was a pretty sight to behold. Purely black with cyan colors on both the shining pattern and underneath it's tentacles.

The twins took a strong look at each other, then back at the friends.

"Dream, I need you to grab the biggest bowl we have." Dream nodded, and came back with a big bowl of salt water. The two later found a river full of sea water, and placed the octopus there. With the spider crawling on top of it. Sitting itself down like a crown as they dragged themselves to the sea.

"Kind of reminds me of us." Dream said. Nightmare turn to him. "You the octopus, and me the spider." Dream explains. Nightmare roll his eye-lights as the two went home.

~~~~~

Well, this is it.

Nightmare thought as he was about to leave his home. Nightmare walked out of the village, and ring the bell to grab a wagon. Not surprisingly when the wagon arrive. The carrier, and the passengers looked at him distastefully. Nightmare got on, and kept both his hands and his feet to himself feeling awkward every situation. He can feel the horrible whispers turned into judgmental eyes.

"Where do you want to go, demon?" The Carrier asked. "T-To the ruins of the celestial heroes."  Nightmare hastily answered. "Aren't celestial heroes part demon?" A passenger asked. "Why would you want to go there?" Another asked. "W-Well.. I wish to exercise the ruins. Even ghosts of demons need peace, right?" The others turned away. Nightmare felt like an idiot. The journey went on with an awkward silence until his stop. When he got off he noticed someone. However the little shadow disappeared into the ruins. He trying to catch up, but ended up losing it. He then heard a a owl's hoot follow by the sound of purrs. He look behind him, and saw the skeleton of a griffin purring at his legs. "Hey little girl what's your name?" He asked the Feline-Strigiform. Only to find a collar with a crescent moon, yet no name.

I guess, I could let the griffin follow me.

Nightmare took a deep breath as he walked towards that very ruins seeing a gallery of weapons with astrology signs in the carving on top of the room they were in. From the mercury bow and arrow to the Magic stuff of Pluto. Then he heard a voice. He turned and saw what could be a female ghost in the Mercury room crying. Nightmare then glance at the other rooms seeing more girls in their respected rooms. All have shown some parts of mutilation and hollow eyes. Their skin is like death it's self some were rotting with maggots and other bugs.

This must be the ghosts of the demons-heros.

He thought. He's not sure if he should feel happy or more scared when none of them said a word to him. Just staring. A few tried to look away from him. Because no one else is around and he's near the end of the hallway he felt like it's appropriate to talk a little.

"Are all of you really the ghosts of the demon-heros?"

"Yes?" One responded.

"Well let me just say.." Nightmare put his supplies down.

"You cunts got what do you deserved."

Then he heard the sound of giggling. Nightmare quickly turn around, and saw a young girl with purple yet Silveriest-white hair gradient, and the heaviest violet eyes he ever seen. Wearing a witch apprentice clothing. "You must be him." The girl said revealing her skeleton hands.

Nightmare look at her hands, then back at her. "Pardon me if I'm rude, but who are you?"

The girl blush in embarrassment. "Right, I'm sorry. My name is Hecate." She said. "I am his apprentice. Though between you and me; he's more like a dad." Nightmare nodded. "Can you lead me the way?" Hecate blush again. "Why do I always forget?" He heard her whispering to herself. As they begin walking Nightmare felt like he needs more answers. "So how old are you when you started working for him?" Hecate scratch her head. "To tell you the truth, i'm not sure. Maybe 2 1/2 years? Because all I remember him offering to teach me when I was 10." Hecate turn to Nightmare.

"Why are you so interested in that?"

"Because I always thought there's an age limit when it comes to apprenticeship."

Hecate nodded. "By the way,

why are you interested in necromancy? And how do you found Moon."

Hecate uncomfortably chuckled. "It's a long story. Plus he was the only family I had ever since my parents were murdered when I was just a baby." She answered. Nightmare nodded understandably, and took a look at the night sky noticing it's changed purple.

Nerco magic?

He thought. "We're here." Nightmare return his focus to the lunar scythe. The legend said that the scythe was silver, not black. Nevertheless he tried to walked towards the scythe when he heard. "You were supposed to wait for him." Nightmare turn around and saw another person standing next to Hecate.

The person almost black and white, except for should been his eyes, and parts of his hair, and appears to be missing arm replaced with what he has assume to be a magic-prosthetic version of it.

Nightmare gulped, and proceeded to ask for his name. "The name's Nox. I was an experiment partly created by W. D Gaster to travel worlds, unfortunately I got stuck in this one." "Quit it Nox, you're scaring him." He turn back to the scythe, and saw a ghost with a large wound on his chest before he turned into a person of the night. "Are you the warlock?" Nightmare asked. The warlock nodded. "I hope you don't mind me interrupting, but do do realize there's a little girl here right?" Nox cuts the conversation short. The warlock looks at Hecate, and transform to what he might have looked like in life.

"Anyway, without further interruption I guess we should get started-"

"Wait."

The warlock raise his only eyebrow. "Should we start introducing ourselves?" Nightmare suggested.

"Hmm.. I suppose we could do that first." The warlock snap his fingers revealing the room they were in is a graveyard. "Um..My name is Nightmare." He introduce himself. "Moon." Moon reply. Moon then chuckled. "At first I thought you were Nim reincarnated."

"Why would you think that?" Nightmare asked. "Because I taught her the reincarnation spell. One of my best students truly, but isn't willing to work under my wing."

"Um..what does she look like?" Nightmare asked suspiciously feeling uncomfortable.

"Aside from her clothes. Just a tree spirit with green skin, darker green hair, and a little cute tree branch on her forehead."

"That's my mom." Nightmare could easily see Moon blushed in embarrassment.

"Anyways before you can get your scythe I need you to do this small favor for the moon."

"And that is?"

"Stop the sun's children before they hurt another innocent soul."

"Are you suggesting me too..?"

"Yes, kill them."

"Why couldn't you do it?"

"My friend, I am bound to my scythe."

"Oh." Nightmare chuckle at forgetting that last part of the legend.

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Aren't you already asking me a lot of questions?" Moon questioned Nightmare.

"Right.. anyways how can you talk to the moon, and are there others like us?"

"We are the moon's sons call the Lunarians, and yes there are ten more."

"Are there also Solarians?"

"They're called Solarite."

"Every Lunarian has at least one Solarite. However unlike us the Solarites contain every color of the dawn in the sun so this might help you get started on your mission. Anymore questions?"

"No, in fact I am completely satisfied that I got all of my questions answered. But so you're expecting more then what does a little light orb things that appears when I'm alone?"

Moon smiled. "Those are the little Astros, citizens of both the Sun and Moon Empire." Moon summon a base of Nightmare's scythe. "It will be done in 12 days. You can use this time to find and eliminate the Solarites. However it won't be easy."

"12 days?"

"Yes, and the moon asked me to give you some gifts. Most of them are from the Moon, but this one is from me."

"And that is?"

"Temporary Immortality. And it's not what you think it is."

"You mean I can get hurt?"

"Yes, as well every time you appear to be dead you're just in a deep sleep for a few hours."

"That doesn't sound like anything in the books I read."

"Magic always has a price to pay."  Moon reply.

"But first just know that they can't be killed with just any weapon. They can be killed by our scythes. And the book the Astros gave you is a bit outdated."

"What-"

"There's actually 12 realms of hell. One is controlled by three queens."

"Oh. But my scythe-"

"You can use mine. Temporary of course. Nox."

Nightmare turned to Nox, and can tell that he doesn't like the idea of giving the scythe to him. Nevertheless it seems he agreed on it. As soon as Nox had it over Nightmare was blinded by a beaming white.

"It has been done."

Nightmare rubs his eye-lights realizing that the scythe is missing, then look up to see Moon smiling. "You know out of all the lunarians you seem to be the only one that has both his eyes-"

"Actually my right eye-light is fake." Nightmare then proceeds to take it off. "See?"

Moon stared at the fake light for a while then back at Nightmare. "Also I really like your Griffin. Is it the same one back when you were alive?" Nightmare asked. "What are you talking about? I don't have a griffin back then. Though I did have a memory of seeing a dead Griffin. Come to think of it I don't remember any happiest memories back when I was alive." Nightmare felt like he should've brought Dream along. "But let bygones be bygones." Moon offered Nightmare to shake his hand. Nightmare proceeded, and felt something off about it then remembered Dream. "You're not fooling me with your gloves."

"Hm?"

"My brother basically wore gloves all the time so I know you have a skeleton hand as well." Nightmare explains now fully knowing the full costs of necromancy. Moon took off his glove revealing a similar hand like Hecate's, yet Nightmare doesn't feel any fear. Just comfort. "By the way do you have a spare book that will teach you how to read? I want to give it to my brother before he goes on a trip."

Moon nodded, and summoned a copy of that book. From the alphabet sounding to words sounding. "Thank you."

"You're welcome."

~~~~~

Should I tell him the truth about his friend, and what they really are when his back is turned?

Nightmare thought as he watch his brother packing. He tried making the visions appear to him, but it didn't work for some reason. He took a deep breath, and made up his mind.

"Hey Dream, there's something I need to tell you about your friends."

"Hm?" Dream turned. "You see whenever you're not around, and I'm left alone with them they are a bit hostile." He explains. "What do you mean?"

"I mean they would attack me, and rarely torture me. Calling me horrible names, and tells me to kill myself." Nightmare hold back his tears. Reliving the memories is worse, than him being there. "Are you telling me that I shouldn't go?"  Dream questioned his brother. "No, I mean- It's your decision if you want to go or not.  I'm not forcing you to stay, but i'm not gonna force you to leave either." Nightmare explains. Dream put down his belongings, and went up to Nightmare. "I'll try to get them to stop while in the trip, OK?" Dream continue on. "And  I did have a new friend, and he recently lost his arm, his wife, and his son. So maybe you two can try to be friends."

Nightmare has his doubts, but he did had some comfort in his brother's words. " What's his name?" Nightmare asked. "Neil." Dream answered. The boys, then heard the whistle blowing. "Wait." Nightmare rush himself, and grab the book from the Moon. "Something for you to read."

"But I can't-" Dream looked at the book. "Does this teach you how to read?"

Nightmare nodded as The second whistle blows.

"I gotta go, goodbye." Dream said. As the golden twin ran to the cart to get to the boat Nightmare whispers to himself. "Goodbye."

[morgemuffel]

MALEC. ➰ PROS & CONS TO MARRY YOU. (STAY WITH ME)

This story takes place between episode 3Bx16 & 3B17. Why does Alec suddenly thinks about getting married?

-> Alec creates a pro and contra list about whether he should propose to magnus or if it is too early etc. He confronts himself with his thoughts and fears, which had never been expressed loudly before. *(Part 3 of my series: our heart beats like one)

My vision is blurred and everything around me happens like in slow motion. I'm standing there like a fool and don't have the strength to move. My heart contracts as if it were crushed in someone's fist. The air is thin and Izzy had called Catarina Loss to help, when she heard my cries for help. I'm so mad at myself. "Magnus, Magnus, can you here me?" is the only thing I can say. Why didn't I see it coming? I'm still standing there as if rooted to the ground, too shocked to do anything meaningful. "Please, I'm right here" I continue talking, in the hope that he at least hears my voice. I had given Magnus a heart rhythm massage until Cat finally arrived after a felt eternity. Cat now kneels next to Magnus on the floor and holds her hands over his right clavicle and left chest muscle. Stand back" she commands. A blue cloud flows out of her palms, enveloping his lifeless body, and once again an electric shock of several thousand volts shot through his chest area to reactivate his heartbeat. "Come on, Magnus. Hang in there" Catarina screamed in panic as still nothing happened. "Catarina is he going to be all right?" I ask anxiously. Another electric shock. But Magnus, whose body had just shrugged like wild before, lay there now only calm and motionless. "I...I...Alec he's gone..." Cat sobs and looks at me in disbelief. I see the tears rolling over her blue face. I know that she has done everything in her power, because she doesn't even have the strength to maintain her glamour. I feel pure fear crawling up inside of me. No. No he can't be dead, he simply just can't be dead! I don't know how, but somehow my body starts moving again and I stumble uncoordinated and fall on the floor next to Magnus. Stay with me is the only thought that constantly wanders through my head and throbs like my own heartbeat in my head. I form my right hand into a ball and place the left hand over it to start another heart rhythm massage. I feel Cat's pitiful look on me, but she says nothing. I won't give up on him. Press twice per second, I know how it works, every shadowhunter knows the required frequency, but the longer I press the more the fear is taking over me and the more irregular my rhythm becomes. I repeat: "stay with me Magnus" to the beat of my pressure movement. I can't lose you, I just can't. "Stay with me Magnus" I taste something salty wet in my mouth and realize that it is my tears that flow over my face and is taking my sight. But I can't wipe them away. I don't have time to release my hands from Magnus. "Stay with me Magnus! I don't have to see anything to know that I can't stop, that I won't stop. "Stay with me Magnus!" I drift off and my body... Oh God as if I were in free fall... No. No. No. The darkness surrounds me and I am lost in nothing. My thoughts echo through the dark void. Our hearts beat like one and if his stop beating, mine dies with him. Magnus is dead.

Alec opens his eyes disorientated, he is bathed in sweat and his heart races as fast as it threatens to jump out of his chest. He looks around in fear and searched for Magnus. He is alive, it was all just a nightmare! At least the part about his death. Alec's subconscious had probably played a trick on him with his greatest fear. The fear of losing Magnus. How could this happen? Why had he not noticed the signs? Or had he noticed them and simply ignored them...? Alec is sitting on a very uncomfortable plastic chair, in the New York Institute in the Medic department, watching Magnus. His chest lifts and lowers gently to the beeping sound of the ECG device. His breathing is flat and slow but he is breathing. It is so unusual to see him uncombed and without make-up. In the blue coat he seemed almost inconspicuous and very vulnerable. Alec has been sitting on this chair for hours, he must have fallen asleep, he thinks, rubbing the palms of his hands against his face. He closes his eyes and the pictures reappear before his inner eye. With a shake of his head he tries to shake the pictures away. Yes, it was close but they had made it and Cat had set up everything right here to watch Magnus non-stop. A cold shiver ran down Alec's back as he tried to interpret his dream, it had felt so real. And he believed he knew what the message was behind it. He had to apologize to Magnus. Alec had a guilty conscience because he should have known how tortured his boyfriend really was. 

Alec interlaced his fingers and began to speak slowly: "Magnus, I... I don't know if you can here me. But this is my fault. I was selfish. When you first lost your powers and you said you were okay with it, I...I didn't think twice. I guess I was just so happy that maybe we could... grow old together." He took a break to breathe deeply. It was the first time he said it out loud. He was ashamed of that thought. He had asked himself several times whether he was a bad boyfriend because of that. He had talked to Underhill about this topic. But to say it out loud, to hear his voice, brought him the knowledge and thus the answer to his question. It had hurt him when Magnus had accepted Lorenzo's magic without talking to him about it. But Magnus magic was a part of him and he didn't have the right to begrudge him that. And he knew one thing for sure. To see Magnus happy was the only thing that really mattered. Alec's heart got heavier at this thought and he started rubbing his thumb over his ankles nervously. He tended to exert so much pressure on that movement that it almost hurt. But the pain there eased the pain in his heart. He sniffed before continuing: "I guess I just didn't realize, how deep down, how much you were suffering. Magnus, I love you. He reached for Magnus' hand, near the tears and his voice was now full of despair: "More than anyone in the world and I'm so sorry. I'm sorry." He heard the sliding door open and quickly wiped away the one tear that had made it over his cheeks. "May I come in" Cat asked gently. "Yeah" Alec replied and stood up with a deep sigh to talk to Cat about Magnus' condition. "Did you manage to make contact with the people at the Spiral Labyrinth" he asked full of hope. She nodded, "yes, I shared the test results, an he agreed. Magnus' body is rejecting Lorenzo's magic. "Rejecting? What do you mean?" Alec asked and folded his arms in front of his chest. "Think of it like a failing organ transplant. Each time Magnus performs a spell it puts a tremendous strain on his body. He got lucky this time. He will regain consciousness . But if he uses magic again, even for something small, he might not survive," she explained to Alec in a haunting tone. "Why can't you just fix him? Why can't you just take Lorenzo's magic out?" Alec asks in surprise. "I wish I could. The only one who can reverse the transfer is the person who gave it to him" she explains. "Lorenzo did this on purpose," Alec hummed furiously. "Alec, there's no way he could have planned it. With magic transfusions, there's always this possibility." Cat tried to protect Lorenzo. But Alec disagreed. "No he knew how desperate Magnus was. He took advantage of him. I'm not gonna let this son of a bitch get away with it." he hissed upset and tried to squeeze past Cat. But Catarina grabbed him by the arm and held him tight when she said: "You need to settle down. What's the shadowhunter saying? - Emotions cloud judgment? - You loose your temper with Lorenzo, he'll have less incentive to help. Like it or not, Lorenzo Rey is Magnus only hope" she made clear to him.

On his way to Lorenzo's loft, Alec shook his head in disbelief. Had he really just thought that? He corrected the sentence in his mind. Magnus' Loft. He was on his way to Magnus' loft in Brooklyn that was stolen by this mucous guy Lorenzo Rey. Magnus hasn't woken up yet, so Alec had decided to ask Lorenzo to take back the magic he had given him. He was almost certain that this would also be Magnus' wish. Magnus' near death had shown Alec how precious time is. And he knew that he wanted to spend all his time also if only 10 years or even 60 years,  with Magnus at his side. Nothing was more precious than the time with him. When Magnus agreed to his suggestion to move in together, Alec was the happiest person ever. There was only something that could make him happier. To make Magnus his forever. Put a ring on his finger and call him his husband. There were many reasons for this, but he also knew that there were some contras. He started to write a pro and contra list in his head:

   PRO:  

- It was a promise for eternity, a promise to be at his side forever

   CONS:  

- Magnus had just suffered some losses, his status symbol as High Warlock of Brooklyn was taken away from him and his loft, his home, was taken from him. These losses sparked a kind of identity crisis in him

I remember what it was like before Magnus. The time of uncertainty, fear and my own identity crisis. It was like my whole life was a lie, I was living a lie. It was before Jace, I had always known it. I'm not saying that I am different but in the eyes of others I am. All of us who don't fit into the over century formed norm are considered different. Growing up in a society that fears everything and everyone just because they don't understand it or know it differently and respond with hate is sad. The hate and fear that was directed against other races or against the preference of sexuality frightened me. I was afraid of this hate and took the safe side. The don't ask don't tell side of the shadowhunter culture. I preferred to be angry and unhappy than to deal with these feelings. On some days I feel ashamed not to have been brave enough before Magnus came into my life. To simply ignore the prejudices and discriminations and to stand by myself. But for shadowhunter - family, honour and tradition are written in capital letters. At least that's what they believe. And I certainly didn't want to be the first Shadowhunter in my family to destroy this supposed honor. Family is everything to me. Grown up in the institute under the enormous pressure of the council and my parents. I always did everything for my parents and for the council. My fater drilled in to me that I was never good enough. I always thought it was me, because they felt who I really was and wanted to suppress it. So I did the same and ignored my feelings. I was impure with myself and carried this anger inside me for years. I couldn't define exactly where it came from but I was always angry at everything and everyone. Not knowing who you are and not knowing where you belong is terrible. By the angel I'm so happy that I met Magnus.

"Maybe you should start living for yourself. Do what's in your heart" he had told me back then. I thought I would never be allwed, or to even find somoen to marry out of love and the only thing I could hope for would be a solid partnership with a woman. But here I am, in a happy relationship with the man I love above everything else. I will do everything in my power to lead him back to his identity as he helped me. So pack up your hatred and discrimination. I alone decide how my life goes on.

"Marriage is a wonderful institution, not that I would know." I hear Magnus' voice in my head.. We'll find out, my darling, we'll find out.

Alec circled the two reasons and tried to look at them from every angle. He was a man of tradition and honour and he always knew he wanted to get married one day. He just never would have thought that this wish could actually become reality with someone he loved with all his heart. But here he was and his boyfriend was Magnus Bane. He knew he would never love anyone as much as he loved Magnus. He also knew that a marriage is about being together for the rest of your life and that this same - a life long - was a different view for Magnus before. Magnus was no longer immortal and to ask for his hand now would painfully remind him of this loss. Alec wondered if it wouldn't be possible to ask Asmodeus to give Magnus back his real magic and thus his birthright, his immortality. What would be the price? For sure one that Alec can't pay at all. He sighed and began to walk faster. There was also the housing situation, he was at least able to fix. Cat had told him that Magnus had asked her for a real estate agent. But Magnus was in the infirmary and couldn't make it to that appointment today and Alec wouldn't leave his side for a house visit. The apartment could wait, but he was looking forward to starting this new phase of his life with Magnus. So it was 1 to 1 when he stood in front of the door of the loft and was about to knock, when it swung open and Mozart's symphony came towards him.

Lorenzo had already expected him, charming isn't? It's one of Mozart's lesser-known works, but certainly one of my favorites. You should have seen the look on Wolfgang's face when I told him what I really thought about his Mass in C minor," he bluffed to Alec. But Alec didn't have time for this small talk, they both knew that they would never be friends in this and possibly in any other life. "We need to talk" Alec said and tried to make his voice sound as calm and controlled as possible. "Hang on. This is the best part." He just wanted to provoke Alec, no they wouldn't even be friends in another dimension. Alec switched off the music to show him the urgency of his visit. "What can I do for you, Mr. Lightwood? he asks and takes a sip from his martini. "Magnus has fallen ill as a result of the magic you gave him" Alec told him. "I did warn your boyfriend of the risks involved. He assured me he could handle it" Lorenzo replied visibly unmoved. When he poured himself a second drink. "Well he can't. And I would appreciate if you would take the magic back." Alec said in a thoughtful tone. "Yes, I'm sure you would appreciate that. But he brought this upon himself. Not my fault the pompous old warlock falls by his own hubris." Lorenzo was amused by Magnus' pain and Alec knew that he had no intention of helping them. But why? "Why? Why do you hate him so much? he asked without understanding. "It's simple. All my life, I've had to sit by and watch while the world lavished praise on Magnus Bane. The prodigy. The High Warlock who could do no wrong." Lorenzo said bitterly. So that's it Alec thought, he was insecure and jealous. "Green isn't becoming on you, Lorenzo," he simply stated. "You have no idea how hard I've had to work for everything that I have" he hissed and put his glass down. Before he continued. "That man was born with a silver spoon in his mouth. His celebrity is not based on talent. It's nepotism. Alec felt the rage crawling up in him and with each of Lorenzo's words it was harder to suppress them. "Lorenzo, you're right about one thing. Magnus is beloved. And when word gets out that you wouldn't help him, purely out of jealousy, how would you think the other warlocks are gonna feel?" Alec said as he walked up to Lorenzo to underline the threat in his voice. But Lorenzo remained unimpressed and said: "I guess we'll find out, won't we?" The fuse in Alec's head blew, how could this cockroach even dare. He would have loved to go for Lorenzo. "You bastard. I swear, I will..." But Lorenzo interrupted him annoyed. "You'll what? he asked unimpressed and shot Alec with a clenched load of his magic towards the exit. "I believe we're done here. You can show yourself out." Alec knew that his last visit by Lorenzo was also part of Lorenzo's rage against Magnus. Anger, anger didn't get him any further, he had to convince Lorenzo at all costs. Magnus' life was at stake and he would beg on his knees if he had to.

"You've never been in love, have you?" Alec asked desperately. Lorenzo must have loved someone at least once in all those years. Alec had to remind him. "I'm over 300 years old. Of course I have. More times than I care to admit" Lorenzo said cool. Alec saw his chance and slowly walked towards Lorenzo again. "Well, for me, it's only one. Magnus," he said and looked at Lorenzo as he went on. "He is my world. And if he dies..." Alec sobbed, who now found it hard to keep his feelings under control. He didn't care if Lorenzo saw him that way, saw him the Head of the New York Institute so vulnerable. He didn't care if he ridiculed himself and he didn't care that he just revealed his greatest weakness. Alec raised his hand to a defensive position when he said, "Look, Lorenzo, he's no threat to you. Okay? He doesn't have his powers." His eyes filled with water and a tear ran down his face as he begged Lorenzo. "Just please... Please help him"

Alec left the loft with Lorenzo's word to help Magnus. A cool breeze blew in his face and dried his last tears. The heated conversation had given him two more points on his imaginary list. To show oneself so vulnerable to someone and to reveal oneself. Showing oneself as one in front of two different worlds, a unity that nothing and nobody could destroy.

   PRO:  

- Start a family, after all, there are many other options these days

   CONS:  

- The Clave doesn't like to see Shadowhunters and Downworlders getting married. It's not forbidden, but since The Clave is mainly interested in making more shadowhunters, it's a bit frowned upon to marry a warlock or a vampire, because they can't have children.

Even though deep inside I always knew that I was gay, I had always imagined a family with children. I could have imagined them with Lydia too, even though the thought of having sex with her made me freak out a little. Lydia is great but still a woman. Maybe the Clave would agree to an adoption for a Shadowhunter or a Downworlder baby? The Mundane couples have to be married as far as I know if they want to adopt... Would an adopted child even like me? With Madzie it's always wonderful and children love Magnus anyway. But maybe Madzie was a exception. Well they'll like at least one of us. So the biggest problem would be the Clave. For whom I'm already a thorn in their eyes, the gay head of the New York Institute, who is in a relationship with a Downworlder. So what, fuck that point. I really hope that Magnus also wants children. I think he's born to be a dad. He has so much patience and love to give. He has travelled so many countries and lived through so many decades, he would certainly have great good night stories. Him and I as parents, who could teach our children love and tolerance. To pass on our views and values and to show the world that there is another way. That diffrent doesn't mean weird or wrong, but that the world view is outdated and wrong. And it's on us to start change that.

The Clave always had such weird rules. In the past, Alec wouldn't have noticed the inconsistencies. He obeyed orders blindly without questioning them. But now, why did they make rules they disapproved anyway? And have they ever thought that two same-sex shadowhunters and downworlder would want to get married? Because Alec didn't know if that was possible at all. But he knew something else, no matter how, he and Magnus would one day start a family together. Alec had never asked Magnus if he wanted to have children, but somehow it was a logical step, wasn't it? Or was Alec once again too far with his thoughts and wishes? He was walking past a playground and saw all the Mundane mothers playing with their toddlers. A dream he had dreamed so many times, before meeting Magnus. Changing his children's nappies, teaching them to walk and fight and attending their first shadowhunter rune ceremony. All those things, those kitschy things he had wished for were not graspable before Magnus, but now. Now he suddenly had the chance to make all his dreams become real, with the man of his dreams. And before any of this could come true, Magnus had to wake up. He increased his pace again because he wanted to be the first thing for Magnus to see when he opened his eyes.

Alec was sitting on the uncomfortable chair in the institute again, his butt was slowly strating to hurt but he didn't care. He saw Magnus' eyelashes start to twitch. "Magnus, can you hear me" Alec asks. Magnus blinks and slowly opens his eyes. "There you are. Hey," Alec said pleased. Magnus is still a little confused and Alec gently turns his head with his two fingers in his direction. Magnus chuckles when he sees Alec. "There you are" Magnus repeats and pats gently and awkwardly Alec's cheeks. "Yeah" Alec replies smiling. "What happened?" Magnus asked, still slightly dazed. Alec tried to explain it to him as simple and gently as possible. "Oh, well you got very sick. But everything's gonna be okay." Magnus tried to sit up and Alec got up quickly to help him. Just hold on. Here, let me get that for you." Alec said lovingly. Magnus tried to play the whole situation down again when he joked: "Oh I could get used to this type of treatment. Oh but definitely not to this wardrobe." Alec realized that Magnus wasn't aware of how serious the whole thing was. "Right. Let me get you a change of clothes" he said and wanted to get going. "No, no need" Magnus said and raised his hand to use his magic. "No!" Alec screamed full of panic and healed Magnus' hand so that he couldn't use his magic. "Alexander, what..." Magnus began irritated as his gaze wandered to the door and he noticed Lorenzo. "What's he doing here?" he asked even more astonished. Alec took a deep breath to explain everything to Magnus: "Using Lorenzo's magic is what got you sick. Catarina says that if you use the magic again, even a little bit, it could go horribly wrong. The only way for you to get better is for Lorenzo to take the magic away." He looked away at Magnus and hoped to see an understanding for all this in his eyes but Magnus only replied: "Oh. No, Caterina's just being overly cautious. Trust me, I feel fine." Alec should have known it. Of course, Magnus wasn't aware of how narrowly he escaped death. He had to tell him everything. "No. can we just get a minute, please?" he said and looked at Lorenzo, who had only observed the whole situation pitifully. "No! I'm not getting rid of my magic. Magnus screamed angrily. Why was he so stubborn? Alec had to make him understand how dangerous it was to leave the magic in his body. He didn't want his nightmare to suddenly become reality.

Magnus got up angrily and went for his clothes himself, he stood demonstratively with his back to Alec. But Alec just stood quietly next to him and waited until he had dressed before telling him exactly what had happened. He wasn't sure if Magnus was just pretending he didn't realize how dangerous this magic was for him. "Magnus, you stopped breathing." Alec began. "Your heart stopped. I thought you were gone." Magnus's anger vanished slowly. He hadn't know it had been so bad. "I'm so sorry for scaring you. I was clearly adjusting to Lorenzo's magic and I must have overextended myself." He turned to Alec with a smile to show him he was serious: "I promise, I'll be more careful from now on," he said before returning his attention to his shirt. "It doesn't matter how careful you are. As long as you have Lorenzo's magic, you'll be living with an axe over your head" Alec contradicted. What was wrong with Magnus? "Oh, could you stop being so morbid?" Magnus said when he turned back to Alec. The two men clearly talked past each other. "Look, I know how important magic is to you, but is it really worth dying for it?" Alec tried again. But Magnus didn't answer. "Magnus, answer me." Alec asked again with insistence and full of fear of the answer. Magnus said "Maybe" without turning around and Alec was stunned. "How can you even say that? Alec asked. Magnus now looked at him again and Alec saw the anger, the self-hatred and the fear in his eyes when he said: "I'm nothing without my magic. "You fell in love with Magnus Bane, the High Warlock of Brooklyn. Can you honestly say you don't feel differently about me?

Look at me! Can you honestly say you like this?" he asked in disbelief and disgust as he pointed to his body. Alec was slowly getting desperate, he had to convince Magnus that he loved him even without his magic. "Yes. Your powers were incredible, but that's not why I felt in love with you. I..I..fell in love with you because you're wise a..and you're generous and you're brave and you're incredible" Alec stammered. The feelings overcame him, why couldn't Magnus see it? Why didn't he see how unbelievable he was? Alec continued: "I just... When you walk into a room, there's a spark in you, magic or not, th..tha..that lights up everything and everyone around you. "A..aaa..and... Hey!" he grabbed Magnus by the arm who was about to turn away. Alec didn't know what to say anymore. He only knew one thing he couldn't live without Magnus! When Magnus looked at him again Alec said desperately the last thing he still knew: "I won't lose you. I can't." The room was tense and they just looked at each other. And finally Alec saw it in Magnus' eyes. He got through to Magnus.

When Lorenzo left the room after the withdrawal of the magic, of course not without clarifying that he would keep the loft. Alec noted down his last two pros and cons.

   PRO:  

- I love him

   CONS:  

- Magnus would rather die than live without his magic

The last two reasons he noted down were the ones that weighed most heavily on him. So he sorted the list in his head again and prioritized these last two reasons. He loved Magnus more than anything else there was no doubt. But Magnus wasn't sure if he could live on without his magic or if he wanted to. Alec hears the echo of his words in his head, again and again: "I am nothing without my magic."

Yet I don't understand it. I thought I understood it, how dependent Magnus is on his magic. That I understand his pain. But I'm not a warlock and no matter how hard I try I will never fully understand what Magnus is going through. I keep trying to compare it with the Parabatai bond of me and Jace. If Jace died in a fight, I would feel incomplete and like a stanger a nobody without this bond. A part of me would die and be lost forever. And yet I would never prefer my own death than a life with Magnus. At least I hoped that this thought was true.

This thought ignited the little hope he needed. The hope that Magnus didn't mean it as seriously as he had said it before. That deep down inside his love for Alec was stronger. So it was 3 to 3, equal. No matter how often he went through the list he came to a single decision.

   PRO:  

   - I love him  

   - It was a promise for eternity, a promise to be at his side forever  

   Start a family, after all, there are many other options these days  

   CONS:  

   - Magnus would rather die than live without his magic  

   - Magnus had just suffered some losses, his status symbol as High Warlock of Brooklyn was taken away from him and his loft, his home, was taken from him. These losses sparked a kind of identity crisis in him  

   - The Clave doesn't like to see Shadowhunters and Downworlders getting married. It's not forbidden, but since The Clave is mainly interested in making more shadowhunters, it's a bit frowned upon to marry a warlock or a vampire, because they can't have children 

It didn't matter what was on the contra side of his list, as long as his love for Magnus was at the top of the pro side. He loved Magnus and that outdid all other reasons."I have everything I need, right here." Magnus had said it aptly. And this one reason was the most important one. And therefore he, Alexander Gideon Lightwood would ask Magnus Bane to marry him.

Alec looked through the window of the small library his mother had bought and took a deep breath. On the way there two pros and contras came to his mind. He didn't put them on the list because his decision had already been made but they were still haunting around in his head.

    PRO:  

- He'd have my last name, Magnus Lightwood-Bane

   CONS:  

- He could say no, and I would completely embarrass myself

I think everyone is a bit afraid of this scenario when planning a proposal. Even though I know that Magnus loves me, there is a risk that he will reject my proposal. It could be one of my reasons on the contra column or a completely different one and I think I wouldn't only be sad but it would also be really embarrassing for me. Embarrassing because I'm so impatient, but who doesn't dare doesn't win. And therefore I won't initiate everybody in what I intend to do and try to plan the whole thing in a small scale if not even alone. Hiding it from Jace will probably be the hardest, as he will feel my nervousness for sure, so if he asks me I'll just tell him. Maybe for once he even has a good tip for me. Or could tell me if Alec Bane sounds silly?

Alec opens the door and enters the book store. "Hi" he said and walks to greet his mother. Maryse turns to him and smiles as she greets him: "Alec. What a nice surprise! The two embrace and Alec looks around as he says, "I thought I'd actually stop by and see the place." "Im proud of you." Most of the shelves were already dusty and the books had been rearranged. "Thanks. It's really coming together, isn't it? Maryse said radiantly. Alec was a bit nervous and answered with a question. "There's actually something I wanted to talk to you about." he burst out. Maryse looked at him uncertainly and tried to interpret his face. "What is it?" she asked, worried. The two sat down when Alec began to tell her: "Uhm..Magnus had a little health scare." Maryse was shocked but Alec spoke quickly. "He's okay, everything's fine, but when it happened, it made me realize how much he means to me, and I.. I.. can't live without him." This sentence made his mother overjoyed. She was so happy that her son found someone who loved him heart and soul just as much as he loved him. What could make a mother happier? "That's what love is" she said with a smile. Alec chuckles. "I'm so happy you two found each other." she said. "Me too." Alec said sheepishly. The question burned on his tongue as he slowly began.

"And I need the family ring." he said and looked at her insistently. Maryse stared back not sure if her son really intended what she was thinking he was intended to say. "I'm gonna ask Magnus to marry me." Alec said after a break and Maryse chuchles overwhelmed. Yes she had thought right. She couldn't believe it and jumped up to pull her son into an intimate embrace. Her son is actually getting married!