#I've gotta get better about using this side blog over my main

[demonl0v3r777]

there really is something about Aziraphale just getting to be a fussy, needy angel and Crowley just taking care of him that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. And of course, Aziraphale takes care of him in ways too.

[rain-in-the-clouds]

I don't normally vent on this blog, despite it being my main, mostly I just try and share what I love and whatnot. But like so many my age, older and younger, I have a love/obsession/hatred of tiktok.

It's a fun app that can be so nice and a great place to build community, have fun and be silly. But my fucking gods, that is not what its like 99.99999% of the time. And no I know I'm no one special in saying any of this. But I gotta vent, and at least here I can scream into the void knowing if anyone is gonna scream back it's gonna be about something completely different and probably about cats, food, boobs, or Fandom, and honestly that's what makes this the best site.

Anyways, I've struggled with anxiety for the majority of my life, depression as a side helping, and a medley of other things. About six months before the pandemic my anxiety skyrocketed, I started having massive panic attacks every day multiple times a day. At one point it felt like I was just existing through the day to eventually deal with a night filled with the feelings of death.

It was awful, I was barely living.

This is a tangent, but if anyone knows the song Overkill by Colin Hay, I used to sing that song a lot as a kid, like 6-7 years old singing that song, one day to gorw up living the life the song depicts. The lyrics that stick with me: "I can't get to sleep. I worry over situations I know will be alright. Day after day it reapers, night after night my heart beat shows the fear."

It was night after night after night, months went by like this. By middle of 2020 I was.... I wasn't ok. A way I had helped myself during that time, before I got some help and the meds I need, I would use tiktok. Now I'd use its worst attributes to my gain.

It's short form content and use of short attention spans was, especially in the moment, very helpful for subduing (most of the time it just delayed the panic attack) but my goal was never to outright stop the panic attacks, cus I had no way to do that, but to distract my brain long enough to get tired and pass out. It worked for a good while. It especially worked for stopping an attack right as it was starting.

Fast forward to now. Just like prior to the panic attacks I use tiktok to have fun, goof around and see cool stuff, (don't get me wrong I'm all about activism, and I use tiktok like any other for that too, but that's for when I'm in a good place mentally) but now, idk it's like I've let it corrupt me. The past year especially, I've gotten into more arguments in tiktok comments then I've gotten into arguments irl, doesn't matter if the argument was valid or not or even worth arguing over.

And I know it's the internet, nothing stays innocent forever, yes I know. But what I'm saying is tiktok in particular has somehow become more toxic then the majority or surface level internet. To me, it seems like it's trying to become the next 4chan more then the next tumblr. And I had hopes that it was heading in the direction of this hellsite, the Fandom elements there, book lovers, science, all of it: seriously seeing people ask ScienceTok, or BookTok, just makes me flashback to the days of "Science side of tumblr what does xyz mean?"

But no, instead we get the love child of vine and 4chan, it's half cousin-brother reddit somehow looks better next to tiktok.

It's dumb, it really is, cus yes the simple answer is, get off tiktok. But it's not simple, my livelihood relies on social media, for many reasons, like many people. The answer I've been going with is limiting myself on time spent, and I've been successful, I go a week or two without even opening the app, then hop on to check in, post and get a good laugh. But somehow, even if it's just one day, it has the power, (that I give it by gods) to suck me in and make me mad at something, even if it is something to be mad about, doesn't mean it's something I have to let get so under my skin it causes this to happen, (the this being moving to my og site and venting my woes)

It's just such a disappointment. At least I'll always have tumblr.

[sillyfudgemonkeys]

this is an outta nowhere question but what are your thoughts on Joker in Smash about a year since he was added? I've heard some folks say the reason the Persona fandom got so toxic is bc Smash got involved and I wanted to know what you thought since you've been in it way longer than P5 and Joker in Smash

Short answer: Yes AND No. 

Long answer (it’s me of course it’s gonna be under the cut due to length 8U):

I’mma be honest, there’s always toxic fans. I know Smash Fans (and Nintendo fans in general) haven’t exactly been peaches, esp when it comes to Twitter (which I think is also an issue atm). But there were toxic fans before than and there’ll be toxic fans later. It’s just life tbh. (dunno where to put this but I’ll put it here: Twitter nowadays is like 2012-2015ish Tumblr, different being Tumblr was a bit more hiveminded and if you disagreed with a popular fandom opinion you.....were kinda bullied let’s be honest so no one could really say their opinions. While Twitter now it’s not a hivemind but instead two sided extremist that you need to choose. Both toxic and similar but just a taaaaad bit different, I’d probs take the two extremist sides over the hivemind if I had to chose tho...even tho Tumblr had better content during that era than Twitter right now imo but that’s in general and not Persona only. 8U Tumblr’s REALLY calmed down since the porn ban I’m not gonna lie, and ironically that’s roughly around the time that Twitter started getting shitty. So like....kinda saying there’s a correlation, I think a lot of toxic tumblr people probably migrated to twitter, and while there’s toxic fans everywhere it feels like a lot gather on Twitter so it really highlights the fandom there sadly). 

From my experience (which is from P4 PS2 era onward, I missed the pre-P4 P3 PS2 era stuff but apparently there were waifu wars which from what I’ve found I probs would’ve just classified as “shipping war” stuff rather than waifu wars....and it seemed liked standard shipping war stuff from back then), the bigger a fandom grows the more fans it obviously attracts, but that also means more toxic fans too. And that’s why I say yes and no for the smash community, yes because they did attract more fans (and their community seems to be a bit toxic atm, like I get expressing your wants to a company and I support that! but the INSTANT you don’t get a specific character announced for the fighter pass and instead of just being like “oh golly darn :(” but instead “***** this place ***** Nintendo you all suck ****** *slur* *slur*” yeah no that’s a little....you gotta take a step back buddy, so yeah I’m sure there’s a bit more toxic fans in that fandom atm but they are also a BIG ASS FANDOM so I’m not surprised), but it’s also just the cause and effect of the fandom getting bigger in general.

It happened when P4 got it’s anime (btw anime fans ya still valid and are a Persona fan, just keep in mind if you wanna talk lore just know you did watch a very abridged version of the game so be aware you might have somethings wrong cause of that.....cause I’ve seen it happen.....DX btw let’s play watchers are also real Persona fans and I’d say even people who just like Joker in Smash are at least Joker fans and that’s ok too enough gate keeping guys DX), it happened when we started getting spinoffs, kinda with the P3 movies (only really cause FeMC fans were salty or P3 fans upset what was cut/changed, but it wasn’t on any toxic level tbh just normal complaints, I think the fact it was a movie instead of an anime bypassed newer fans than with P4/5 animes), it happened when P5 solidified it into the mainstream gaming market (I’ll stand by P4 helped break Persona into it via all the other avenues of mainstream, with P5 finally latching the main series into mainstream games.....I say mainstream cause spinoffs are looking the same as pre mainstream which.....>.> *shrugs* could be better imo), it happened with P5′s anime, and it happened with Smash Bros. And tbh I’m sure it happened or will happen with the Steam community (and Switch/Xbox if it ever goes there too) and P4G (P4 fans go through the same cycle of BS constantly, most of which I believe originated with the anime generation, that it’s hard to tell if there was an uptick or not). And it’ll probs get an uptick again with P6, and then P6′s anime. And maybe manga cause maybe P6 fans like the P5 fans and won’t listen when people say “don’t get attached to the manga name it’s probs not gonna be used so hold off till the anime” but hey let’s have drama for no reason cause we need it. 8U (obvie you can still like the manga name, it’s more for people complaining about name changes or not getting why Atlus just didn’t keep the manga name even tho an explanation is probs within arm’s reach and they were warned beforehand)

*sighs* Sorry back on topic, each time the fandom grows so will toxic fans. Tbh I feel like the phrase “toxic fans” are thrown around a lot. And it’s esp used for only....”haters” it feels like and I don’t think that’s right (cause it can be fans too), it just feels like ANY negativity (even constructive and kept reigned in by certain users) is viewed as that. Like take me, I’m sure I’m probs labeled as a “toxic fan” due to be being a Megaten/Persona fan but disliking P5 and talking shit/calling it out. But I try my damnedest to do that in the appropriate places (ie my personal blog, maybe a confessions place, or a thread/board that’s expressing negatives only OR it’s explaining/expressing pros and cons type of stuff, I find that to be the best because it keeps people who want to vent away from people who want to gush so no war happens, not saying I am perfect or you HAVE to follow this or you are toxic, it’s what I decided to ascribe to and find it works well and good enough and it gives me a better fandom experience). Aka, I don’t go on twitter to someone’s fanart of Yukari or Makoto and trash the character because I’m not a freaking asshole (or in this case a ~toxic fan~). But this also applies to the “fans” as well who will talk about something they like (character/game) but the ONLY  way they can raise it up is by tearing down something else (other character/game), it’s really rude and also toxic as well. Negativity is not inherently bad all the time, and Positivity is not inherently good all the time (with positivity it’s more of giving yourself a break from it rather than saying something positive can be bad at times, tho I’m sure there are times that-that has happened but it’s 2:30 am and I don’t want to think of an example for that). It’s how it’s used/expressed. I see the Twitter community trying to combat the “negativity” by trying to only spread “positivity” and I’m afraid 1) any negative expression, even constructive, will be scorned (I guess I’m afraid of us going back to a hivemind mentality again), but most importantly 2) the people trying to head it are going to be burned out and it’ll hurt them mentally (I do not want it to happen obvie, but I know personally it can wear you down which is why I’m concerned). Don’t get me wrong I love what they are doing/trying to do, but I think we’re generalizing the word “negativity” and “positivity” a bit too much and it’s just raising a few red flags for me (I’m just hoping I’m being paranoid/overanalyzing in this case). 

Uhhh there was one last thing I wanted to address.....Oh yeah gate keeping. I know you asked about Smash but this stuff is kinda related and hey think of it as a history lesson for the Persona fandom (or at least Nusona cause I didn’t have a game system in the 90s ;_; plus wee little me wouldn’t have been able to find P1/2 fandoms back then due to me not really using the internet like I do nowadays till around P3 was probs released). Plus you know how long winded I am so this is kinda what you sign up for, 3 am ramblings of overexplaining~! But gdi I will try to cover all the bases and get my point across in....some fashion. 8U

But yeah, Gatekeeping in relation to the Smash fans, cause I see Persona fans shit on new fans that got into Persona through Smash (I know above I said Joker fans are valid Joker fans rather than Persona fans, but I’m assuming they’ve yet to play/watch Persona and are just aware of Joker and are a fan of him vs the fans who saw Joker and then watch/played the games to get into the fandom. One set is a fan of a character vs the other set got into a franchise because of said character. Like I wouldn’t say I’m a FE fan cause I liked Marth/Roy in SSBM, which is why I have that distinction myself BUT if you wanna call yourself a Persona fan that’s valid, you’re valid, it’s whatever, I don’t really care about the details that much, I just have two categories for convenience). Anyway I don’t think it’s fair to shit on them. Same as I don’t think it’s fair to shit on anime only or manga only fans. Or if they got into the fandom through Nusona (Oldsona is P1/2, Nusona is P3-5 atm). Or Oldsona. Or another Megaten game. 

Maybe it’s cause I came from P4, where it got shit on cause it wasn’t (”dark”) like P3, it wasn’t (”dark”) like Oldsona, it wasn’t “dark” like other Megaten games, it got shit on every way to Sunday for daring to try to have a more lightened mood at times (3 murders happen, we see 3 dead bodies, a 6 yo dies onscreen, we have characters going through intense existential crises, we deal with characters mourning through death as well as other relatable struggles, basically shows our teammates die one by one in the final boss, having a chance to hear Naoto’s death scream on the phone if you don’t stop Adachi, just the “you didn’t save the person” phone calls in general, talks about society’s toxic gender roles and how it can negatively effect a person both to an extreme extent and minor, god forbid they eat an animal cracker to lighten the mood, and this isn’t counting the dark shit that happens in the spinoffs). As if P1/2/3 don’t have comedy, or any other Megaten game, all the demons are freaking weird of course there is comedy. Oh and it also got shit on for going mainstream first, and not even counting that it got shit on for spinoffs (which P3 was included but no P3 gets a pass for some reason), and the fact that it was shit on for not being P5 (before and a little while after P5 came out) because it wasn’t “dark” like P5 (fdksjafajkfljafj P5 has it’s moments, esp with Shiho, tho P4D did it first and went through with it, but seriously each game has it’s own light and dark moments and one isn’t better than the other only cause they have more of one than the other). And....*sigh* let’s just say thank god that I was able to buy other Megaten games right before the flood gates of shit came in, cause I dunno if I would’ve wanted to give it a chance if I had to hear my fav game shit on constantly. I say I dunno cause tbh I was craving more after P4 so badly I still would’ve probs gotten into it regardless of the fandom, I wanted more from the franchise even if it wasn’t 100% like P4. 

But tbh I don’t blame P5 fans, anime fans, or Smash fans for maybe not wanting to get into the rest of the series. I get old fans of whatever feeling like they are...I dunno being invaded? By new people in the fandom. Or their afraid of new fans not fully understanding the franchise (hey guys that’s where you teach people instead of try to passive aggressively try to get them to leave the fandom I dunno maybe make posts to educate instead of trying to push away??? 030). And change is hard and yeah. And maybe you don’t like the new game (keep in mind there’s a diff between saying “*insert* Sux” and “I don’t like *insert* because...” one’s shitting on something and the other is constructive), but hey shitting on the game they like is probs not gonna win them over to your fav game sflkdjafkjafja Educate and be helpful, don’t gatekeep and drive people away. That’s a sure fire way for us to lose this franchise (remember we almost lost Atlus all together, but it was able to get a 2nd life thanks to P4 saving it....tbh probably wouldn’t have ever gotten P5 nor SMTV nor any spinoffs if not for P4′s success with its game and anime, this is both a history lesson and a word of warning since it already almost happened once). 

Tldr; Smash didn’t help but it’s really just the fact the fandom got bigger and bigger fandom means we also end up getting more toxic fans mixed in. Twitter now is basically 2012-2015!Tumblr (diff is Tumblr’s was a hivemind vs Twitter’s now extremist two sides only thing), and Tumblr’s porn ban probably migrated a lot of their toxic fans to Twitter which probs hasn’t helped any fandoms on there. Negativity in general isn’t an issue, it’s if you’re being an outright asshole where it’s an issue. Don’t be an asshole in general, if you need to vent then vent where you need to, if you wanna gush then gush were you need to and without bringing anyone/anything down obvie. You are a Persona fan, regardless of where/how you started. Don’t gatekeep for the love of god, or so help me Jack Frost will sneak into your house and smack you in the face with a snowball (and if he doesn’t then I will.....jk...half jk 8U). Also *sprinkles of (allusions to? I dunno I tried it’s 3 am and my 2nd try on answering this and the first one was just as long) Silly’s Persona fandom history lessons throughout the post*

[jisunwithtaeandkookie]

Can You Keep A Secret? Pt.14

Summary: Your close friend Taehyung, shares a secret with you, a big secret: You have had a crush on Jimin for the past 6 years. But what he doesn't know is that you have done something bigger than that, something that could destroy many people's lives in seconds. That's a secret for you to keep. But something even bigger is floating in the air: what you have done could destroy BTS's friendship forever...but that's a secret even you don't know yourself.

Pairing: Reader × Jimin/Taehyung ft. Other Members

Genre: Angst (with slight humor)

It was all because of that blog.

"I think it was her..." I heard hushed voices from one of the two girls standing behind me. Despite the fact that there were people standing in the aisle other than me, I knew they were talking about me, and it was mainly because of two reasons: one, they gave me a sceptical look when I passed by them, and two, they were around the same age as me. It all had started with the blog, which, by the way, was recommended to me by Google last night. I know I have said this before, but still...life had a funny way of working out for me.

It was all because of this blog.

7 Things You Need To Notice In The 'Fake Love' MV

And I am not saying you haven't...you probably have. But.. since no one was sure, I went out and researched a little, and found out some pretty interesting things regarding our boys in the new MV following the pretty debatable topic of a chain of events occurring right before the newest release by BTS. For the people who believe it to be a disagreement between the boys caused by the betrayal of some girl...you are pretty right. For some still unclear reasons, it was a dramatic scene between the group, and yes, a girl was involved in it. It was pretty much centered around the vocal line: to be more precise, the maknae line. The most fascinating thing about this is that the reactions of the boys are directly related to their roles in the MV of Fake Love. Today we are going to look at how the boys reacted to it through the MV. You guessed it: 7 members, 7 things to notice.

Jin's Protective Stance: Jin was somehow indirectly involved in the fight involving the girl and the group. As the oldest member of the group, we all can imagine what his reaction was like: he acted as a mediator, trying to calm everything down peacefully. He is believed to have a soft spot for the girl, and naturally, he tried to take the girl's side, even though it did not work out in the end anyway. In the MV, he replicates this by trying to protect a flower inside a glass case (symbolising the girl), but it gets ruined in the end.

Suga's Apathy: Yoongi, more commonly known as Suga, also had an indirect relation to the fight between the members. But unlike Jin, he was against the girl, the main reason being that he cares about the group and wanted to stay silent in the whole process for everyone's greater good. In the MV, he can be seen with his cold glare and his brief but slightly rueful smile while a fire is bursting out beside him.

J-Hope's Desperation: As a member of both the dance line and the rap line, J-Hope always strives for the happiness and unity of the members. He was frustrated by the group's disagreement and can be seen duplicating the frustration by tugging at the door in the MV. After the aforementioned fight, he was the one who was as always desperate to take the group back to its happy days. In the video, he is lying amidst a jungle of rides and snacks which are symbolic to a happy place.

RM's Care For Jungkook: The maknae of the group, apparently, had a big role in causing the fight that broke out a few months ago, and being the caring person that he is, RM was the first one to go after him. In the MV, he can be seen trying to touch his reflection in the mirror, except it is Jungkook standing at the other end of it.

Jimin's Depression: Jimin was the one of the two members to be 'betrayed', and he shows that through his extremely sad persona that he adopted during the MV. He is also seen standing quietly in the middle of a room which is slowly getting flooded by water coming from both sides from behind him. It's as if he doesn't care anymore.

V's Everything: V, more commonly known as Taehyung among ARMYs, is the second member in the 'betrayal' series, and he doesn't hold back in the MV: everything he does symbolises the pain he went through during the fight. From his phone turning into sand, to his 4D glare at the screen, to even the SAVE ME written on the wall in front of him, everything directly shows us his feelings. Another mentionable thing is how he is alone in the MV....yes, everyone is alone in the video at some point, but except the dance scenes, V is never shown to be anywhere near any other member of the group. Instead he is in a dark cave: he is ALONE alone.

Jungkook's Guilt: Jungkook, according to some sources, had a major role in actually causing the drama among the group, and he obviously feels guilty about that. We can see that through his actions in the MV. He is watching over the members secretly, to check if they are happy. He is also shown holding sand, symbolising the relationship between the group after the drama, while hearts are flying out of it, symbolising the mended relationship and his true desires. In the end, he is shown to enter a dark place which comes out suddenly, presumably because of his gnawing guilt.

With everything said, I just wanted to say that I am glad the boys are okay, and I sincerely hope they stay that way. You all are free to not believe it: after all, this is just a speculation based on my research, it might not be true anyways. Also, what happened, or why it happened is still unclear. I am not going to say anything about the girl's identity...because I don't want to ruin anyone's life. (Let's just say that some people might have seen her around the group...or the maknae line.) Another thing I wanted to say: this MV is not just built out of a frustration of the fight, it does have connections to the alternate universe thing they have got going on. It just doesn't hurt to kill two birds with one stone, you know.....they are not famous for nothing anyway, right?

I sighed as I recalled the contents of the blog. Amazing.

"Is it really her..?" I heard the other girl speak, and I turned around. Without looking at any one of them, I left the aisle, leaving the store altogether.

And I didn't even get what I came here for. This was not going to be good for me at all.

On my way home, I took a different route which passed through a rather quieter area than my usual path. You can probably guess why. As far as I knew, it was not going downhill anytime soon; in fact, it was still going uphill, even though I had thought it had reached its peak. But hey, what do you know, when it comes down to bad luck.....it's me, the luckiest girl in the world, right?

Fake Love...were the lyrics also about me?

Immersed in my thoughts, I almost collided with a girl who was walking in the opposite direction. "Sorry about that." I said, embarrassed.

Instead of replying, she frowned. "You have been here before, haven't you?" I looked around. The Teddy Bear shop. Great. "I have seen you before around here. With-"

"You know what, I've really gotta go." I said and hurried past her, ignoring her feeble "Oh, okay", before she could figure anything else out.

I felt like I was at a risk of being caught anywhere. Even though I didn't know what would actually happen if I was, but something told me I didn't want to find out.

Almost jogging till I reached the end of the road, I put my leg forward to go across, frowning. You're being totally paranoid Y/N. It might be that not many people had read the blog. It might be possible that the girl from before didn't know about the blog, she just recognised me from the place?

I was suddenly yanked back to the side of the road, as a car passed by the spot I was just standing on. Do that a couple more times, Y/N, and you'll end up killing yourself before any of the ARMYs get to you anyway. "Oh my God," I whispered to myself.

"Are you okay-"

"Y/N-ah?" I heard this voice coming from a few steps away, and breaking out of the grasp of my saviour, I turned around and took a few slow steps towards him. "Jungkook..." I said, my gaze transfixed on him.

He gave a little laugh. "So we're on a full name basis now?" I didn't reply, and he sighed. "It's okay, I don't think we're that close anymore anyway." He added, very slowly.

"Kook!" I exclaimed.

He looked unsure. "You lied to me, Chocolate. You said you didn't come to the airport."

I gasped. "Oh my God....you know?" I had unintentionally lied to my best friend. Great.

"Of course he does." I heard from behind Jungkook, and we both looked at Tae coming up slowly towards us. "Tae.." I whispered, my eyes becoming a little moist at remembering what I had done to him, all of my feelings rushing back to me...what I felt for him, how I had hurt him, everything.

He looked at me for one long second, scaring me with his blank gaze. "Tell me, do you care about anyone's feelings at all?"

"Tae...I do! Damnit, why are you saying that?"

"Why am I saying that? Well, for starters, because you are so oblivious, that you didn't even thank the person who just saved you."

I turned around. He was still standing there, looking down. And, wow....this day just kept getting better and better.

"Oh my God, Jimin...I-"

He waved a dismissive hand at me. "I know what you're going to say so, no need."

"Tsk tsk tsk, really?" I closed my eyes at Tae's voice.

"Hyung, she said sorry like a million times already." I turned around to see Jungkook talking to Tae. He was...defending me?

"You're defending her?" Tae asked on my behalf, pointing at me. "Her? She lied to you...you should have been angrier!"

Jungkook looked back at me tenderly. "I am not angry. I'm just....disappointed." He turned around to go. I felt my heart breaking into pieces. I had betrayed my best friend. My Kookie. What was I doing with my life?

"Jungkook-" He cut me off. "I will talk to you later, okay?" Saying that slowly without turning around, he left. Left me alone with Jimin and Tae. We stood quietly for a short while, which felt like decades to me.

"Do you have anything to say to at least one of us?" Tae asked me. This time, his tone was telling me that it was not sarcastic, it was as if he really wanted to know. Well, maybe.

"Go easy on her." Jimin said, walking towards us to stand in front of me.

"I am! I asked her if she has decided who she likes."

"Will you hear me out?" I said, looking at him. He looked back at me, saying nothing.

"Will you hear me out if I say I have?"

"Have you?" He looked sharply at me.

I looked down. "No. Because I don't want to live a dream that is never going to come true." No one said anything for a long while following my statement. They just kept looking at me, with a totally different expression than each other. I wondered what each of them thought about me now.

"Y/N..." Jimin finally whispered weakly.

"Jimin, I am really sorry for what happened that night before Tae came." I saw Tae flinch, looking away from me. I looked back at Jimin. "I just want you to know that I had no bad intentions for you, nor was I playing with your feelings. It's just about the moment...and you seemed to be perfect in that one. I understand if you haven't forgiven me, I completely do."

"You have said sorry before, you don't need to say it again." He replied.

"Because he hasn't forgiven you." Tae interjected.

"Tae." Jimin gave him a sharp look, then turned back to me. "Look, Y/N, you really have to come clean with your feelings here. It's just...important for sorting everything out, if not for anything else."

I nodded. "Yeah. I understand."

"I said the same thing a few minutes ago, but now you understand." Tae said again.

"Tae, enough!" Jimin said sharply.

"So I should just say nothing here? Is that what you want?" Tae rolled his eyes.

"What I want is for us to go. It's time, anyway." Jimin said, looking at me gently. "Fine by me." Tae complied almost too quickly, turning around to go. "See you later, Y/N."

I frowned at his unpredictable behaviour, until I heard Jimin chuckle softly. "What's so funny?" I frowned in confusion.

He looked flustered. "Oh, um....nothing."

"So you just laugh at anything, then?" A smile tugged at my lips.

"What's the harm in that?" He grinned like he always used to do. His laugh was the best thing in the whole world. I have said it before, I know.

"Keep laughing like that." I smiled. "It makes me worried when you don't."

His smile faded, and he looked sideways. "I've gotta go, actually." He turned around, but I grabbed his hand to make him turn back and look at me. "Uh, Jimin....thank you for um...pulling me to you..no, that's not right...I mean-"

"Y/N." He said, chuckling, cutting me off. "See you around, maybe." He left, not stopping a second after that, leaving me alone. I sighed and hung my head low. Standing at the footpath, I suddenly felt exhausted, and alone. Very alone.

"So that was interesting."

"Gah! Okay," I closed my eyes in attempt to recover from the shock the person in front of me had given me. "You have to be everywhere." I added, rolling my eyes.

He shrugged. "I do." He said in his same deadpan tone.

I frowned. "You know smiling occasionally doesn't hurt your brain, right?"

"Doesn't hurt my brain, but hurts my image."

"Uh-huh," I cocked my head sideways amusingly, "and what's that?"

"The brooding and mysterious type."

"You sound like a vampire." I narrowed my eyes.

"Maybe I am one."

"You do know vampires don't sleep at all, right?"

"Oh, then a big no." He frowned. "But do you know I did not mean it literally?"

"Yeah." I took a few steps back. "Stay away from you all, I got the message when you said this to me at the airport anyway."

"Glad." And with that, he left as quickly as he had come.

I could hear a faint sound in the distance...a song was playing nearby.

I'm so sick of this Fake Love, Fake Love...

I needed to get out of here right now.

Can You Keep A Secret? Pt.14

Part 13//Part 14//Part 15

For other parts and the MASTERLIST, please refer to the link to the story in my bio. Thank you for reading!

I. Am. So. Relieved, you guys. I can't tell you how terrible I felt for not uploading for so long...and I really really hope you like this update. It took me the most time out of all of the parts so far. And also, if you have anything at all to say, you can ask me, because I am definitely not staring at my phone for hours waiting for your asks, nope, I definitely don't do that. Stay updated, and happy reading!

[hashtagsmitty]

Smitty's Thailand Adventure - Day 1

I'm inspired right now by Uncle Gilly's travel blogs. And since I'm in my hotel room at 11pm Thai time and nowhere near sleep despite being up for some ungodly number of hours, here we go!

Heading into this trip I was super anxious. I haven't gone overseas for 7 years, and I've never travelled alone before. It's not so bad since I'm hanging out with Josh the whole time, but it's still a bit weird. Plus, I don't speak a word of Thai. I'm sure that will be fine, but it's a bit iffy going in.

April and her mum drove me to the airport. We left early to make sure we'd get past any traffic. Plus, last time April and I went anywhere I fucked up the timing and we missed our flight. I guess that was on her mind? Long story short we were at the airport 3 hours early.

I got through security and check in fine. My passport photo is from when I was 21, with a baby face and bad hair. Some beefy security dude pulled me aside to scan my passport manually when the facial recognition shit didn't work. Slight monkas.

I got through fine, bought some Thai Baht and got jibbed on the exchange rate, and then went to the gate. I bought earbuds because I don't own any. It occurred to me later that I'd ordered the entertainment package on the plane which comes with them. It turned out being a good thing, because 3 hours is a long time to listen to airport sounds.

I walked around the terminal to get my bearings, then went to a café thing. It wasn't a real café, but it was close enough to make me comfortable. I got a steak, then sat down and started reading. I'm reading "Growth Mindset", a text about how the way you think about success and achievement is the biggest predictor for future successes and how you deal with failure. It's really interesting, lots of real-world examples, and I'm hyped to try to teach it to my new students.

The steak arrived. I asked for a steak knife and the poor waiter gave me the most embarrassed look. He went to check, then came back and said he wasn't allowed to hand out steak knives in the airport.

Thinking back, of course he wouldn't be, but in the moment it was a weird thing. I guess it felt too much like a real café?

2 hours left. I sat at the gate and read. I had pre-downloaded a whole bunch of Podcasts and music, too, so I was listening to music while I read and swapping to podcasts when I was bored. I kept checking the time because 2 hours is a goddamn long time to wait.

Eventually though the time ticked over and the JetStar dudes were calling for business class people. Before I could react, a whole bunch of vultures had lined up. Seriously like 100 people. I joined the line. They started calling for rows 44 to 57. I checked my ticket - row 57. I walked forward hesitantly, to see if I was allowed to cut the line and board. I pussied out and realized that I'd lost my place in line. I did a slow walk of shame to the back of the line. Then the Jetstar dude started walking down the line and calling for those rows. I cut the line and got on the plane. The dude checking tickets looked dead inside.

My seat was in the middle of the last row on the plane. Two old white dudes sat either side of me. Nobody spoke, as is appropriate. The dude to my right was a bit grumpy, and took up our entire overhead bin. I sat down after putting my bag away and started my music back up. While we were waiting for takeoff, I remembered my trip to Italy from when I was 16. I wasn't sitting next to anyone I knew for both of the 26 hour flights, but the in-flight entertainment had Pokemon Pinball, and I played the shit out of it. It sorta became a tradition when I fly, and I redownloaded the rom right before the plane took off.

It was good that I did, because the in-flight entertainment was garbage. I played chess, and the piece of shit computer played the same opening against me twice. The only difference between medium and hard was that it took 2 minutes to decide each move on hard. I played two games then quit.

The flight was boring. At the end, the pilot had to do some stupid holding pattern because the flight was early:

The green circle bit was repeated 5 times. It added like an hour to the flight. It sucked being so close and having to wait so long. Speaking of waiting so long, being at the very end of the plane meant waiting 10 minutes to get off, and then waiting longer while people only grabbed their bags once they were supposed to move. Monsters.

Disembarked, went through immigration with no problems. The dude who waved me through was being so slow with his line. I held my passport open to the photo page when I gave it to him and he closed it when he took it. Awkward.

Customs didn't exist. Just walked straight out.

I met up with Josh. He was on the opposite side of the airport to where I came out. There were stacks of dodgy WiFi networks to sort through to find the one non-dodgy one. I felt like having to fight through 12 phishing networks before I left the airport was a bit much.

Josh and I got Korean chicken at the airport. It was okay, I'm not big on chicken with sauces. Or sauces in general. Or most foods in general. But, I felt like I should just dive in and broaden my comfort zone a bit. It was pretty good chicken. I'm sure it would be better at a non-airport franchise.

We caught a taxi to my hotel. Josh is staying in an AirBNB somewhere else. On the way Josh talked a bit to the taxi driver. She didn't speak any English and he barely speaks Thai, but she got us to our destination fine. It really drove (dwoop) home how foreign this place is, and how screwed I'd be if not for Josh living here. The taxi driver was not great. She was driving in two lanes for most of the trip, and I don't think I heard her indicate. The traffic lights have a dank coloured countdown for how long until the lights change. We need that in Melbourne.

We got dropped off at a skytrain station. It was attached to a huge shopping center like Melbourne Central. It was pretty sweet - I'd like to check it out when I'm less fried.

The streets looked pretty low-tier, but Josh said that it was average for Thailand, and that the closer you are to main roads or train lines, the nicer it is.

I needed toothpaste, and Josh insisted I get a local SIM card, so we went into 7-11. Josh explained that they're actually really cheap and good quality here. While we were sorting out the SIM card, the clerk needed to see my passport and take a photo for me to be able to buy it. It was weird, but everyone acted like it was normal, so whatever. The same thing happened at the hotel. Josh said they send the info to the government, but didn't say why. The clerk called me handsome in Thai as we were leaving. We got some weird salt toothpaste that Josh swore by. He said the first time was meh but the second time is amazing.

I was warned that there would be "massage parlors" on the street my hotel is on. Josh said the girls out the front would go out of their way to make me uncomfortable, and double so if we ignored them. We just stayed in the other side of the road instead.

The hotel is okay. Bed isn't great, but there's air con and a hair dryer. And a bidet, which I'm excited to try.

It feels lonely up here on my own. Like I said, I haven't travelled solo before, so it's a new experience. Bros will get a video tour of the room when I'm awake - it's 4am AUS time and I'm so fried. Gotta avoid that jet lag though, so normal sleep times.

I tried the salt toothpaste. It was okay.