#I've seen how unhinged you are about big men

[chiriwritesstuff]

The New Girl in Tinseltown - Chapter 2 - Devil's Advocate

A Dieter Bravo x Actress! Reader PR Marriage AU

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Chapter Rating: E (18+, MDNI)

Chapter Summary: A look into Dieter's point of view at the night of our fated trip to Vegas. How does America's favorite Bad Boy™ end up married to America's New Sweetheart™?

Chapter Warnings and Tags: (Not So) meet cute, PR Relationships, what happens in Vegas ends up in the headlines, Dieter just does not give a FUCK, Smut, SO MUCH SMUT, a look at the inner workings of Tinseltown and the sleaziness it comes with, Dry Humping, A hell of a lot of dirty banter, is that yearning?, mentions of devious deeds by sleazy people in show business, our loverboy makes a 'Pride and Prejudice reference, SLOW BURN WE DONT KNOW IT, this is unhinged, no use of y/n, No beta we die like men!

Word Count: 8K (whoops!)

A/N: I know, I know, I KNOW. I promised the release of this chapter weeks ago, but I got struck by the not-covid-but-felt-like-covid virus and managed to get myself into the biggest writing slump. I really do apologize for that, and I want to give a big thank you to everyone who stuck around and showed and shared love and support for the first chapter and this series! I can confidently say that the writing slump has finally passed, and we can finally get this crazy show on the road...

An (almost) year before that night in Vegas.

“Dieter, I'm expecting you to be on your best behavior tonight."

Dieter scowls at his publicist while his groomer diligently applies yet another round of pomade in an attempt to tame his unruly curls. "Define best behavior."

"They're about to launch a new girl into the circuit, some unknown that the studio thinks will become the next girl next door," his publicist responds, tapping away at his MacBook. "She's a genuinely sweet thing, all doe-eyed and untouched by the suits. Apparently, she's so sweet that Feldman-"

“Let me guess,” Dieter deadpans, "Feldman wants to fuck her," he rolls his eyes at that, slightly curious at the prospect of fresh blood. "Why am I not surprised?"

"That's not the best part," his publicist quips, his eyes locking with Dieter's over the rim of his laptop. "The studio wants to protect their asset, so much so that they hired-"

"No fucking way, they hired the Shark for this broad? What? Does she have beer-flavored nipples or something?" Dieter exclaims, his curiosity piqued. "Is she really that sweet?"

His publicist's mouth quirks into a small smirk. "The sweetest, most fucking forbidden fruit, my friend. So sweet that the Shark doesn't want you within ten feet of his client."

"Oh yeah?" Dieter replies, his eyes raised.

"Hell yeah. He tried to corner me earlier, warning me to keep my client's - and I quote - Dirty fucking paws off of his Doll-"

"Doll, huh? I bet I could tap that," Dieter challenges, his chest puffed out.

Dieter's publicist chuckles to himself, shaking his head. "Dieter, I know you believe you're God's gift to the masses, but trust me, this Doll? She's a bit out of your league."

Dieter leans back in his chair, a sly grin forming on his face. "Out of my league, huh? That just makes it more interesting. The thrill of the chase, my friend."

His publicist raises an eyebrow, skeptical. "Dieter, I've seen you chase plenty, but this Doll is different. She's not like the others. There's an innocence about her that even your charm might struggle to crack."

Dieter smirks, undeterred. "Well, we'll see about that. The forbidden fruit always tastes the sweetest, doesn't it?"

The publicist lets out a resigned sigh. "Just remember, Dieter, not every fruit is meant to be plucked."

"What is this event even for?" Dieter counters, appraising himself as his stylist smooths the fabric of his suit, a deep emerald green number with a crisp obsidian button-down. He pouts at the mirror, glancing at his publicist and his agent behind him. "It's not the Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards again, is it?"

"Why? So you could be caught doing blow off a toilet bowl seat like last year? I'm still doing damage control for that, you know," his agent deadpans. "You're in luck; it's the MTV Movie Awards-"

"... and this is Doll's debut, huh? Is she up for an award or something?"

"Several, actually. Surprisingly, her last film gained quite the following-"

"... let me guess, it's some rom-com," Dieter interjects, a hint of disinterest in his tone. "What are the categories?"

"Three, to be exact." His agent smirks into his cognac. "Best Female Lead, Female Breakout Star, and Best Kiss-"

"Best Kiss? Seriously?" Dieter retorts incredulously, his eyes widening. "What's the name of her movie? I might need to see it for myself-"

"Dieter, level with me. Are you gonna keep your dirty fucking paws off of the Shark's asset?" his publicist sighs, giving him a stern look. "As much as I want to shove my foot up his fucking ass, I don't have the energy to have him breathing down my back the entire fucking night-" he looks off into Dieter's direction, who is currently on your Wikipedia page. He frowns. "Dieter, do you hear me?"

"What?" Dieter snaps, slamming his phone onto his seat.

"Can you manage to be on your best behavior tonight? Stay clear of-"

"No. I mean, sure, fine, whatever-" Dieter interrupts, his tone dismissive.

"Dieter-"

"I heard you! I promise to stay away from her, but the real question is, are you able to keep her away from me?" He smirked, a glint of mischief in his eyes.

The (not-so meet cute) at the MTV Movie Awards.

"Dieter!" you shout, hastily making your way toward him, clearly a few drinks in. "Surprised to see you here!" you shout excitedly, a little wobble in your step as you approach him. 

You adorn a sleek silver gown, your hair elegantly swept to one side, and your radiant face contrasting vividly with the venue's intense lights. Dieter finds himself momentarily breathless as he gazes at you, captivated by your ethereal presence, akin to an angel descending into the depths of hell. "Fuck me," he murmurs under his breath as you draw near, the collar around his neck suddenly feeling constrictive as he nervously swallows. "What the hell? I never get nervous around women," he mutters to himself, his eyes tracing the entirety of your figure. His pants grow notably tighter, his attention fixated on the hypnotic sway of your hips.

He greets you with a nervous smile as you come face to face, tenderly planting a kiss on your cheek. His eyes close momentarily as he savors your delicate scent, a sensation that electrifies his chest and courses through his veins, prompting his hands to instinctively caress the back of your head as he subtly tries to capture another whiff. A subtle sense of pride swells within him as he notices the blush unexpectedly blooming across your skin, its warmth cascading down your cleavage.

Forbidden fucking fruit indeed. 

"Doll," he attempts to say smoothly, a hint of nervousness lacing his voice. "I've heard so much about you. Congrats on your wins tonight; they're truly well-deserved!"

"Really?" you suddenly squeal, and Dieter feels like he could get lost in your energy. It's pure, sweet, and so inherently innocent—the childlike wonder of being thrust into the limelight, untarnished by the sleazy underbelly of Hollywood. He can't help but internally frown, foreseeing the inevitable vultures in suits trying to get a piece of you. Their insatiable hunger for new, sweet flesh is something he knows all too well.

"Well, yeah, Doll, you killed it, as expected. Winning tonight and sweeping all your nominations was a given," he muses, casually leaning against his chair. As he leans towards you, a subconscious desire prompts him to take another whiff of your perfume, desperately trying to commit its essence to memory amid the haze of his coke-induced high. He can't resist burying his nose in your hair, eyes closing as he takes you in once more. 

"Dieter-" you question his sudden boldness, a nervous chuckle escaping you. 

"I'm sorry, baby-" he moans into your neck, his hands traveling down the length of your back. "You must tell me what the name of your perfume is, its divine-"

"Oh," you laugh as Dieter pulls you into him tighter, groaning as his hands travel dangerously close down your hips. "It's 'Missing Person' by-"

"Doll," a voice emerges from behind the two of you, accompanied by a stern clearing of someone's throat. Dieter's expression darkens as he recognizes the owner of the voice, but not before planting one final teasing kiss against your throat. With a smirk playing on his lips, he straightens up and turns to confront the perpetually annoyed yet annoyingly handsome face of the man Hollywood dubs 'The Shark'- also known as the most ruthless of publicists in all of Tinseltown, protecting his clients with an iron fist so strong no one ever thinks of crossing him.

Unless they wanted a cease and desist letter shoved so far up their assholes... without any fucking lube.   

Dieter gets it, though. If he were in his shoes and he had a client like you? All sweet and pure with the face of an angel but a body curated by the Devil himself?

Well, he would fuck your brains out and make you forget your name first, but that's beside the point. The point is, he gets it, he really fucking does.  

"Well well well," Dieter croons as he holds his hand up towards your publicist. "It's been a long time, Shark. Tell me, did you have to call ahead to make sure that some poor bloke's mangled testicles made it onto your plate for tonight, or did you rip someone's balls off fresh on-site?" he snarks with the raise of his eyebrow, shaking his head as your publicist stares at his outstretched hand in greeting. Dieter scoffs as he retreats his hand, placing it on his hip.  

"Bravo," Your publicist grits through clenched teeth as he tries to appear as unbothered as possible. "Aren't you a little old to be here tonight? The rumors aren't true, you know. Fucking girls close to half your age doesn't keep you young, but I suppose it makes sense, considering a woman your age would know better-"

"Shark, I won't tolerate you talking like that in the presence of an actual earth-bound angel. Just because she's young doesn't mean she doesn't know right from wrong-" Dieter retorts, flashing you a smoldering smile. "... you know how to handle yourself, don't you, Doll? You don't need some uptight prick telling you what you can and cannot do, right?" he winks, a slight puff to his chest.

You visibly shiver at his cheeky insinuation, nodding. "Right," you breathe, taking a hasty gulp of your champagne. "I'm 29 years old, I don't need you defending my 'honor' like I'm some virginal maiden-"

"Well, when my client has far too many drinks in her and doesn't understand the kind of man she's in the presence of-"

"The Devil, right?" Dieter exclaims, pointing to himself. "A no-good washed-up actor who fucks anything with two legs while high off my rocker, who just so happens to be good at what I do with the Oscar in my shitter to prove it? Don't you think she knows all of this? My bare ass isn't on the front page of TMZ weekly because I'm a nobody, baby."

"Oh my god, Dieter," you gush, clapping your hands together. "I loved you in-"

"Doll," your publicist interrupts, a firm hand on your shoulder. "You have that meeting with Favreau at the Beverley Hills in 30 minutes. As much as we would love to stay and chat... we have our jobs to get to, right Doll?" your publicist says to you sweetly, his hand grazing your arm. He clears his throat, nodding at Dieter. "Bravo, it was stimulating, as always," he deadpans with a hint of finality, pulling on your elbow like a lost puppy on a leash. Dieter swallows as he witnesses your light dimming from your face, a small frown on your face as you try to remain cordial, a fake smile etched on your face.  

"It was nice meeting you, Dieter," you almost whisper, pulling him into one last hug. "... maybe we'll just run into each other again soon?" You quickly whisper in his ear, and the thought of the two of you meeting up in secret thrills him to no end. His dick certainly twitches at the prospect. 

Dieter takes one last whiff of your scent, his eyes closing as he wills the time to stand still, not wanting to lose the warmth radiating from your aura. He presses one last kiss on your cheek, his fingers caressing the spot as he gives you a genuine smile.  

"... it wouldn't be soon enough, baby."

He gives The Shark one last salute, flipping him off once his back is toward him. “Fucking asshole cockblock,” he mutters to himself, patting his suit pocket for his little baggie of E. He pinches the baggie between his fingers, looking at its contents in silent contemplation.  I guess if I can't get the girl, at least I can get the high, right?

The morning after.

Dieter is face down on his sofa in his boxers and his robe, groaning from the after-effects of his debauchery just a few hours before. As if his skull is splitting into two, he winces as he turns himself onto his back, staring aimlessly into his ceiling as his iPhone suddenly starts to go off from under him.

Sighing, he blindly reaches for his phone, one eye open as he squints into the tiny, shattered screen.

TMZ NEWS FLASH! Up-and-coming Actress who swept MTV awards show last night being groped by Resident Playboy Dieter Bravo? Her publicist sweeps in to save our New "It" Girl in Tinseltown from the grasp of the Devil himself-

Dieter scoffs as he swipes the notification away, his eyes scanning the next headline.

AP NEWS ALERT: Dieter Bravo seen kissing Rising Actress at MTV Movie Awards last night, is a new romance brewing between the Fresh-Faced Actress and Playboy Lothario Dieter Bravo?

"Dieter," his publicist groans as he walks into the room, picking up a crumpled pair of boxer briefs off the sofa, and throws himself on it, pinching the space between his eyebrows as he shakes his head. "What the hell did I tell you? Stay away from The Shark's client, don't grope her in front of him! Can't you just listen to me for once?"

"It was innocent! I kept my hands at a respectable distance from her ass," Dieter retorts, throwing his phone across the room. "I didn't even make a move—"

"That's not the point, Dieter!" his publicist spits back, pulling out his phone. "Do you realize how much this guy despises you? I'm good at my job, but The Shark? I can't go against a god—"

"You're making him out to be some untouchable—"

"...because he is untouchable, Dieter! Do you even know he's buddies with Feldman? After learning about your stunt last night, he's considering pulling you from the project."

"Please," Dieter scoffs, rolling his eyes. "They need me more than I need them! I'm practically doing them a favor, signing on to this fucking movie. They're not going to pull Dieter Bravo from a sinking ship! It's just scare tactics!"

"Yeah, well, you know what they say. The pussy is stronger than god, right?" his publicist replies, scrolling through his phone. "Feldman didn't appreciate your hands on his girl, and now he's out for blood. I warned you about this, D. Is some girl worth losing a multi-million dollar contract? Do you want to go back to doing 'surprise guest star' roles on cable TV? I heard they're thinking of rebooting 'Suits', it might be a good fit for you-"

"So what do I need to do then?" Dieter fires back, a joint between his lips. "I assume I'll be needing to make a public statement or some shit? Keep the old bastard happy?"

"It's funny you mention that D. I have an email from The Shark himself, with a list of what he wants you to say in your statement, promising he'll back the fuck off if you promise to not go within ten feet of his asset-"

"Have you ever heard of 'Missing People' perfume?" Dieter suddenly asks, taking a hit off his joint, his eyes following the thick plume of smoke as he leans back into the sofa. "Missing... Woman?" he mumbles to himself absentmindedly, licking his lips. "Fuck, what did she say it was? I need to stop going to these things blitzed out of my fucking mind-"

"Dieter, focus. Are we releasing the statement or not?"

"MARCUS!" Dieter calls out for his PA suddenly, ignoring his publicist as he grabs the phone out of his hands. "MARCUS! I NEED YOU!"

"Yes D?" Marcus responds as he rushes into the living room, pulling a fresh pack of Kitkat out of his back pocket. "Did you need a snack?"

"Have you ever heard of 'Missing Someone' perfume?" he asks once more as he pulls up the Safari app on his publicist's phone.  

"You mean 'Missing Person' by Phlur?" Marcus quips, picking up the stray pieces of discarded clothing strewn randomly around the room. “One of my favorite actresses just became the spokesperson for that perfume, swears by it-“ 

“Missing PERSON, that’s what it was!” Dieter shouts, tossing his publicist's phone back at him. “Marcus, you’re a fucking godsend! I knew there was a reason why I kept you around! Could you do me a small favor?”

"What do you need, D?" Marcus asks eagerly, his hand perched on his hip. 

"I need you to buy me 'Missing People'. A couple of bottles, at least."

"How many is a couple?" Marcus asks with a nervous chuckle. "Five? Are you giving these out as gifts or something?"

"Maybe I could call Chriselle, and tell her you're interested in the company, there are more scents suitable for men, D," his publicist says casually, pulling out his laptop from his messenger bag. "I ran into her at Erewhon the other day, she's a big fan of your work, and couldn't stop talking about Cliff Beasts... Now, about that statement-"

"Fuck asking, just go to Neimans or Sephora or something and buy out their entire stock. Lotions and body wash and candles if it comes in that scent, too, Marcus. Go to all of the fucking Sephoras if you need to."

"... the entire stock? D, what is this for?"

"Do I pay you to ask all of these fucking questions? Don't worry about what I'm going to do with it. Just get it in my hands by the end of the day, do you think you could swing that?"

"... yes?"

Dieter takes another drag out of his joint, nodding aimlessly. "Great. Also, stop by Blicks on your way back. I need an entire arsenal and the biggest canvas they have. New brushes, too! Set up my studio and put the 'Missing People' in my bathroom, and I'll want my usual In n Out order, too."

Flustered, Marcus pulls out his phone and starts typing Dieter's requests on his notes app. Running a nervous hand through his hair, he looks at his boss once more. "Anything else?"

"Yeah. Get the fuck out of my face and get to work, Marcus. Chop Chop!"

His assistant nods and scrambles out of the living room, tripping on the corner of the area rug on his way out. Dieter's publicist raises his eyebrow at the display, shaking his head as he types away on his laptop. "You know, you could be nicer to him, D. He tries hard to cater to your every fucking whim and fancy... now, are we gonna release that fucking statement or not?"

"What statement?" Dieter asks absentmindedly as he pulls out a small baggie from his robe pocket.  

"The one where you say that you had a little too much to drink and that you didn't mean anything by groping Doll at the Movie Awards, and that you're really sorry and will be donating a couple thousand to a women's shelter-"

"... and this will make The Shark happy? and Feldman off my ass?" he replies, rubbing his gums as he smiles to himself. "I'll be able to stay on the project?"

"You can start packing your bags, yes. Filming starts in a week for the next few months in Europe. It'll give this whole Movie Awards nonsense some time to blow over."

Dieter considers this for a moment. He sticks his tongue out in contemplation, coming to the unsettling realization that he hasn't been in a major studio project in the last few years. He needs this job more than they need him, and deep down, he knows this. He takes one last drag out of his joint, flicking the roach away as he turns towards his publicist.

"Release the fucking statement."

His publicist nods, fingers flying across the keyboard. "Good," he murmurs, genuine relief softening his features. "I can't handle you out of work for another month, not after the fucking pandemic... What's the deal with all that perfume, anyway?"

"What?" Dieter replies absentmindedly, scratching his beard.

"The stuff you made Marcus buy in bulk," his publicist clarifies.

"Forget the perfume. Do you still have those photos I sent you?"

"I've got them, but I haven't checked them out yet. Why?"

Dieter gestures toward the laptop. "Why don't you take a look?"

His publicist eyes him warily, opening the email. His expression shifts to shock as he glimpses the contents. "Is this—"

Dieter nods, a smirk creeping onto his face. "Yep."

"This is huge, Dieter. How did you even get these? They're screwed if this ever goes public—"

"That's why it's payback time. A little warning shot," Dieter interrupts, leaning forward eagerly. "We leak the photos. Anonymously, of course."

"Dieter," his publicist warns, "If they trace it back to you—"

"I'll take the risk. They messed with the wrong guy," Dieter scoffs, a hint of satisfaction in his voice. "These amateurs think they can get away with it?" he mutters to himself, then clears his throat. "Remember our motto?"

"Nobody fucks with Dieter Bravo."

Dieter leans back on the sofa, nodding. "That's right. Nobody fucks with Dieter Bravo."

Six Months later.

"Hi, I'm Carol Cobb!"

"... and I'm Dieter Bravo!"

"And we are doing a Wired Autocomplete Interview!"

"Alright! Is Dieter Bravo..." Carol energetically rips the first sheet of paper off her card, a playful smile spreading across her face as Dieter looks attentively at the camera. "Is Dieter Bravo dead?!" She bursts into laughter, smacking Dieter with the card, who simply shrugs. "Wow! Why would they hit us with that right out of the gate?"

"Not dead yet!" Dieter exclaims, pushing his signature glasses off his face while gazing into the camera. "Got close... several times," he adds with a pointed smirk.

"...and we are very much thankful for that!" Carol shouts. "Shall we move on to the next one?" She tears the next slip of paper, her eyes widening as she reads, “Is Dieter Bravo secretly married?!”

“Well, it wouldn’t be a secret if I spilled the beans now, would it?” Dieter smiles conspiratorially, rubbing his chin in contemplation.

“I can't imagine you ever settling down,” Carol muses with a smirk. "It seems unnatural, like going against the natural order of things, like sea animals on land. Dieter Bravo, settled down with one girl? Hell would have to freeze over before that ever happens," she teases.

"I think it could happen," Dieter says matter-of-factly, crossing his arms over his chest as he settles back into his seat.

"What could happen?" Carol asks, her curiosity piqued.

"Settling down. Getting married, perhaps... even starting a family," Dieter replies thoughtfully.

"It would take quite the woman to make 'The Great Lothario' change his ways. Seems like an impossible feat," Carol interrupts, chuckling. "A woman who can stop the great Dieter Bravo from his manwhoring ways? Maybe someone who lives under a rock and doesn't know about your reputation."

"Actually," Dieter interjects, a hint of excitement in his voice. "I think I've met someone recently who's made quite an impression on me."

Carol's eyes widen in surprise. "What do you mean, you think you've met someone? Who is this mysterious girl that's captured your attention, D?"

"Well, she's an actress-"

"Of course," Carol quips with a knowing smirk.

"... she's new. I had the pleasure of meeting her at the MTV Movie-"

"You're not talking about Doll, are you? The woman you groped after meeting her for the first time? Someone even said that they caught you sniffing her! Who does that, Dieter?!"

"I am a connoisseur of all things exquisite and beautiful, ma chérie. She smelled absolutely divine, and I swear her scent lingered on me for days after, I swear, just let me nuzzle my face in between the valley of those luscious tits-"

"God, D. I think they're gonna have to edit this shit out!" Carol mutters, looking embarrassed by Dieter's boldness. She leans towards Dieter. "I thought you signed some embargo with The Shark promising you wouldn't mention her," she whispers in his ears. "Even I wouldn't think to fuck with him-"

"Well, Feldman was my main concern, and now he's facing jail time for all of those underage claims and those leaked photos, so fuck it!" Dieter counters, knowing damn well he worked behind the scenes for it to happen, leaking a few photos he had stored away on his iCloud, kissing himself on the mouth knowing it would come in handy sooner or later.  

AP NEWS ALERT: Hollywood bigshot arrested for leaked inappropriate images from an anonymous source of various actresses, denies all allegations of misconduct.

One asshole down, one Shark to bury next, he thinks to himself, chuckling at the thought. "Besides, I can't get her out of my fucking mind! I've never felt this way about a woman before, Carol, I mean it this time!"

"I mean, she's undeniably beautiful," Carol agrees, "but she's still new to the industry. They've been typecasting her in those romcoms with whatshisname, but I've heard she's pushing for more challenging roles—"

"Cut!" The director's voice slices through the air, his eyes narrowed at them both. "This interview is about promoting Cliff Beasts, not discussing Dieter's love life with some woman."

"Hey, that 'woman'? She's my future wife, so watch your damn mouth," Dieter snaps back, his tone defensive.

"Whoa, D, hold on. Future wife? You barely know her!" Carol interjects, her hand pressed against her chest in disbelief. "Take it easy, baby. Get to know her first, at least."

"It's gonna happen, Carol. I can feel it in my damn bones. I was drawn to her the moment I laid eyes on her," Dieter insists, his confidence unwavering.

"Listen, Casanova, I don't care who you think you're gonna marry, but we're on a tight schedule here!" the director interrupts, frustration evident in his voice. "Stick to the damn questions, and no more talk about your little 'girlfriend.'"

"Fine," Dieter mutters, rolling his eyes and taking a sip of water. "But do me a favor—don't cut out the part about her assets. It'll bring in views like crazy. I did you a favor there."

The director waves him off as he storms away. "Remind me why I took this job knowing this idiot would be here," he mutters to himself, heading back behind the camera.

The day of the (not so thought out) wedding.

Dieter is anxiously bouncing his leg, biting his pinky nail as his groomer meticulously applies another layer of concealer under his darkened eyes. "Jeez D, have you been sleeping at all lately?"

"What?" Dieter asks absentmindedly, running a shaky hand through his curls. "Yeah- I've been sleeping, why?"

“Your under-eyes, D. They’re darker than my fucking soul, man. Didn’t I tell you to lay off on the sauce? I’m on my fourth layer of concealer-“

“It’s nothing,” Dieter says dismissively. “Just… have you ever been in love?” 

"Sure I have," his groomer replies, a small smile on their face. "That's why I'm married, silly. Why?"

"Say you like a girl, and you think that this girl might be interested but then TMZ posts leaked photos of said girl and some beefed up Hollywood hunk "canoodling" with each other while filming their movie together in Canada-"

"This is Doll that we're talking about, correct? The one you groped at the MTV Movie-"

"I DIDN'T GROPE HER!" Dieter exclaims, groaning as he sinks further into his seat. "Why does everyone keep saying that? I was simply giving her a friendly, yet casual hug when she APPROACHED ME-"  He huffs like a petulant child, his arms crossed around his chest in defiance. "Anyway, I thought, after I desperately tried to shoot my shot, let my intentions known in that 'Wired' Interview with Carol, that she would contact me, you know? Maybe slide into my DMs-" 

“Slide into your DMs?” His groomer scoffs, plucking a stray eyebrow hair with their tweezers from his face as he dramatically flinches, narrowing his eyes at them. “You flat out said you wanted to smother your face in the ‘valley of her luscious tits’, I would be surprised if she hasn't filed a restraining order against you yet... Let me give you a bit of advice: Girls want to be romanced, not objectified! ... have you ever had a 'real' girlfriend before, D?"

"Hey! I've had girlfriends, alright?" Dieter groans, frustration evident in his voice as he clenches his fists. "Just because they didn't stick around afterward doesn't mean it was all my fault, okay?"

"The girls you hook up with during your benders and then discard once the high wears off don't exactly qualify as 'real' girlfriends, D! Let's be serious here!"

"That's what I'm trying to be," he whines, "I'm trying SO HARD to be serious for once! I can't get this girl out of my head, and it's been what? Almost a year since I've met her? I can't get my dick hard when I'm with anyone else anymore, I don't want to take drugs, it's like I'm fucking broken or something! ... and now she's off fucking Joe Hollywood over here like I'm not bleeding my fucking heart out for her-"

"Wait, you mean to tell me that you're actually sober right now?"

"Well, yeah. The last time I took something was before filming Cliff Beasts, I thought you knew that. Anyway, it doesn't fucking matter. All of that and she doesn't even notice me."

"Well, I would tell you that if you had bothered to read TMZ this morning instead of sulking, you would know that there are split rumors between this girl and Hollywood neanderthal," His groomer retorts, a shit-eating grin on their face. "It was over before it even began. I mean, I've heard for such a massive man, he has quite the tiny di-"

Dieter perks up at that. "Say that again."

"They've broken up. She's back on the market, silly goose."

"So that means-"

"That means that I'm going to groom the shit out of you and help you out by making her realize just what she's missing out on, D." His groomer replies, massaging his scalp as they make eye contact through the mirror in front of them. "You're lucky that I consider myself a hopeless romantic. If you promise not to break her heart, I'll help you get the girl, ok?"

"Shit, do you think she'll like me?" Dieter says nervously, fidgeting in his seat.  

"Obviously," his groomer replies cryptically, a smirk forming on the corner of their mouth. "I may or may not have some intel from another groomer friend of mine about their supposed breakup."

"Oh?" Dieter perks up, his eyebrow raised in curiosity. "... and what would that intel be?"

"Oh, you know. Someone might have asked their stylist if they think you'll be attending tonight, how she kept trying to be sly about it."

"Doll asked about me?! Are you serious?" Dieter's excitement is palpable.

"Well, according to my friend, the reason why they broke up was that someone might have moaned your name while being eaten out by 'Joe Hollywood' the other day-"

"No fucking way!"

"She's into you, D! I would say that your little ploy during the 'Wired' interview worked more than you think, bud."

Dieter nods, taking the biggest sigh of relief as he settles in his chair. "One last thing, do you groom just the top half of me, or are you open to grooming other places?"

"What do you mean?" his groomer cocks their head to the side.  

"Shit, well... are you open to grooming my nether regions? It's been a while since I've been with a woman, I'm almost full caveman down there-"

His groomer tsks, pulling out their phone. "Dieter, as much as I love you, I don't love you that much. Let me call someone for that, ok?"

A few hours later, on the red carpet.

"Dieter," his publicist says under his breath as they walk down the red carpet. "The cameras are this way, why are you so distracted?"

"I'm looking for someone," Dieter replies as he winks at the sea of paparazzi, flashing them a peace sign as he walks toward the venue's entrance.

"Well, who are you looking for?" His publicist replies impatiently, looking down the red carpet.

"Doll, obviously. Do you know if she's arrived yet?"

His publicist rolls his eyes, sighing. "She arrived about five minutes ago, don't you see her?"

Dieter inhales deeply, his gaze scanning past the vibrant red carpet until it locks onto yours. His breath catches in his chest, surprised by the unexpected connection. You appear taken aback at first, but swiftly compose yourself, subtly angling your body towards him with a seductive smile playing on your lips.

"Holy Shit..." Dieter's mind races with excitement. "She really does want me."

Filled with newfound confidence, he playfully purses his lips in your direction, sending a cheeky kiss your way as his eyebrows wiggle in amusement. A flush of color blooms across your cheeks in response, catching his eye. But as he revels in the moment, he notices The Shark's gaze narrowing in his direction, a whisper passing between him and you.

That's fucking right Shark.  I'm coming for my girl, and there is nothing you can fucking do about it.  

Later, Dieter observes you from across the room as you sit at your table, alone, nursing another glass of champagne. He notices how you try to avoid meeting his gaze, despite catching you stealing glances at him throughout the night when you think he isn't looking. It surprises him to see you being so reserved, so quiet, especially without The Shark hovering around you like a protective dragon guarding its treasure.

What's gotten you so down, babydoll?  he muses, leaning back into his chair. As if you could read his thoughts, your eyes meet from across the room once more, and you quickly look away, smiling to yourself at getting caught looking.

Dieter senses the moment's significance, his heart racing with anticipation. He knows he must seize this opportunity, the perfect moment to step forward and break the barrier between the two of you. With a determined smile, he decides it's time to make his move.

As he rises from his chair, Dieter's confidence swells, fueled by the intensity of the moment. With purposeful strides, he crosses the room, his gaze fixed on you, the anticipation building with each step. This is his chance to bridge the gap, to finally reveal the feelings he's kept hidden for so long.

He draws in another deep breath as he approaches you from behind, mustering his most seductive gaze as he leans in towards your exposed ear, his warm breath grazing your skin.

"I can't help but notice that you've been eye-fucking me the entire night."

He groans softly as he takes a seat in the chair beside yours, hoping to conceal any nerves as he attempts to exude charm. "I guess my little ploy of trying to get your attention with that 'Wired' interview worked out in my favor-"

You respond with a subtle smile, your fingers gracefully tracing the edge of your champagne glass. How does something as simple as that manage to rile me up? he wonders inwardly, returning your smile.

"You know," you say softly, a chuckle escaping you as you shake your head in disbelief, "There are more normal ways to get a girl's attention-"

The longer Dieter spends in your presence, the more he feels himself on edge, the tension mounting with every passing moment. His pulse quickens, and he can't ignore the growing semi in his suit pants. It's astonishing how much you affect him, like a siren calling out for him while lost at sea, lying in wait, ready to bring him to absolute ruin. 

Fuck. Keep it cool, Bravo.

"Ah, but you're America's Sweetheart, and your pitbull of a publicist won't let me near you, I had to let my-" he gulps at the sight of your ample bust, licking his lips in anticipation, "... intentions very clearly known."

"Well," you breathe, chest heaving. "I don't know if it's 'clearly' known," your voice drops to a whisper, like a secret that is shared only between the both of you, two lonely souls amongst a sea of chaos. "I think you're just going to have to spell it out for me."

Dieter, sensing victory, leans back triumphantly, spreading his legs as he subtly encloses you within his space. His dark, smoldering gaze meets your thinly veiled attempt at your best innocent doe eyes... but Dieter sees right through it. He grins widely, reveling in the knowledge that he's the cat about to get all of the cream—your cream.  That's right, babydoll, I've finally caught you, and I'm never going to let you go.

He laughs at the sight of you, his chin motioning to your breasts.  "Do you want to have sex with me, Dollface?"

Your eyes widen, and a small gasp escapes your lips, as you search his gaze, trying to decipher if he's just bullshitting or if he's actually fucking serious.  I'm serious, alright, he chuckles to himself. "If I miscalculated this fucking thing that's going on between us, tell me and I'll fuck off, leave you alone-"

"What if I don't want you to fuck off, and want to tell you that I'm this close to being plastered and that all I kept thinking about tonight is you railing me with that huge cock we both know is aching for me in some deserted hallway-" you challenge, picking your champagne glass for good measure, downing its contents in one swig.  For courage, he thinks. "I would beg to ask you... what's taking you so damn long, Bravo?"

WhatsApp chat between Dieter & Marcus: Dieter: Hey Marcus, are you still in the venue? Marcus: Yes! With your publicist. Did you need something? Dieter: This party blows. Can I borrow your car? Marcus: Oh, did you want me to drive you home? The party just started, Dieter. Dieter: I can drive myself back, stay for the party! Catch a ride with the suits afterward! Get shitfaced, you're officially off the clock! Marcus: Seriously? Do you know how to drive a stick? It's my baby, I don't know if I feel comfortable with you driving it, are you high right now? 🤦‍♂️ Dieter: No, for the last time, I'm fucking clean, man. Just do me a solid and let me borrow your car, I swear I'll give you a fucking raise! What do you want for one night with your baby? Tell me, I'll give you anything! Marcus: Fine. Just tell me what you did with all of that fucking perfume, there"s a bet going on and I would like to shove it in your publicist's face that I know! Dieter: Seriously man? That's all you want? Marcus: Do you want my keys or not, D? Dieter: Fine. I took the fucking perfume, doused my entire bedroom in it, and fucked myself smelling it thinking about Doll. Dieter: Is that enough of an explanation for you? Come the fuck on, man, I need your car! Please! 🙏 Marcus: 🙌 Meet me at the lobby in five. 

"So tell me," Dieter shouts as he peels out of the parking lot, laughing at the delighted squeal that escapes your lips as you throw your head back, your arms raised upward as he turns quickly into the streets of Los Angeles. "How often did you think about me, babydoll?"

You boldly reach over to cup his erection, your small hand wrapping around the tip of it. "As much as I reckon you thought of me, Bravo. Tell me, how often did you come, alone in that massive bed of yours, to the thought of your cock thrusting into my tight pussy?"

"Fuck baby, do you want me to crash this car? It's not mine, you know?"

"Answer the fucking question, Bravo."

"Baby, if you only knew how much I fucking came just thinking about your tits... I don't think you know just what exactly you got yourself into, little girl... but I'll show you just how I thought of you coming on my fat cock, giving me absolutely everything-"

I've been hungry for you, baby, and I'm going to feast on every inch of your body, just you fucking wait-

He cackles like a madman as he peels into the dwindling streets of LA. "Are you hungry, Dollface?" he yells, almost running a red light, his eyes fixed on the glowing In n Out sign in the distance.

"I shouldn't, I have that screen test next week-"

"Fuck the screen test!" he shouts. "The night is young, and you are gorgeous. Let Dieter take care of you, baby... while I still have you in my grasp. I ain't gonna waste a moment I have you in my orbit!"

He pulls into the In n Out parking lot, cutting the engine, and pulls you into his lap, his face immediately diving into the valley between your breasts. "You can suffocate me with these tits and I would die a happy man," he mumbles against your skin, his growl reverberating throughout your entire body like wildfire. "What do you say, Doll? Would you do me the honors?"

"Fuck Dieter," you moan, tipping your head back in pleasure as his tongue teases the edge of your dress covering your breasts. "Grab my tits," you beg, grabbing his hands for good measure. Dieter wastes no time as he grabs the back of your head, pulling you into a kiss, his tongue licking along the seam of your mouth, begging for entrance.  

"Open up for me, baby girl. Let Dieter taste you-" he pleads, and you pull away with him, your hair wrecked and lipstick smeared. Dieter imagines he looks as wrecked as you do, his pupils blown and chest heaving. You pull him into another kiss, sighing into it, your mouth opening slightly. Dieter takes this as a sign to devour you completely, your tongues fighting for dominance as you begin to rock your hot pussy against his thick cock.

"I want to ride you into the sunset, D," you whisper, pulling at his curls harshly. "Are you gonna give me what I want? Or am I going to have to find someone else to do it?"

"Fuck-" Dieter pants, his gaze reaching yours, his mouth agape in awe. "How in the fuck did I get so fucking lucky-"

"Grab my tits, D," you ask once more, moaning and throwing your head back, biting your lower lip as you grind on his throbbing erection. Dieter quickly obliges, his large hands engulfing both of your breasts. His fingertips graze the edge of your dress, the hardness of your nipple pressing into the middle of his palm, and he swears that if he were to be struck down dead right at this moment, he would die a happy man.  

"Shit, I knew that your tits would feel amazing, but you are so fucking soft-"

"Oh yeah?" you tease, your teeth grazing the shell of his ear. "I'm soft in other places, too." You whisper in his ear, and he swears he feels the ghost of your smile as he moves his hands back on your hips, his fingertips squeezing the softness of your ass as he angles his dick where he imagines your clit to be, thrusting into your hot, wet heat. "Fuck, so goddamn soft-" he groans, his tongue licking a wet stripe along the tops of your breasts. "You're fucking everything I never knew I always wanted, baby girl," he praises you honestly, cupping your cheek as he pulls you into another kiss, groaning as your tongue dances with his, leaving him breathless.  

"Am I?" you pant as you wrap your arms around his neck, your pussy dragging along the thick outline of his cock. "You talk like you want to marry me or something-"

"... oh, but I do want to marry you, breed you, keep you locked up in my mansion... you have no idea just how much I've thought about you, these last few months-"

"Dieter! My Man!" someone shouts in the distance. "What the fuck are you doing here?!"

"What does it look like I'm doing?" he yells back, "I'm about to fuck this beautiful woman in an In n Out parking lot, what are you doing here?"

"Fuck, can I take a pic, man?" the fan shouts as he approaches the convertible.  

"Don't you see we're a little preoccupied?" you shout at the fan, flicking him off. "Get the fuck out of here!" you shout.

The fan quickly takes a shot of the both of you with his iPhone, a half-hearted apology mumbled out of his mouth as he quickly runs back inside of the restaurant, probably to the group of men who are completely unaware of the two celebrities dry-humping the fuck out of each other in their wake, eating their double-doubles and sneaking sips out of a cup filled with some cheap ass vodka, fist-bumping the night away.

"Are you gonna come in those Gucci pants of yours, D?" you tease, your pace quickening as you ride his dick relentlessly. "How does it feel having America's Sweetheart getting you to come in your pants, baby?"

"Fuck," Dieter pants, his hand wrapping around your neck as he pushes you against the steering wheel, angling the tip of his cock against your clit. "How does it feel to get fucked by The Devil, sweetheart? Your pussy is begging me to just rip those fucking panties off and just claim you, right in front of all of these fucking people-"

You shiver at that, a choked curse and his name out of your mouth as he sees the entirety of your body begin to quiver and shake.  

"Don't fight it, baby, I know you fucking like the attention, I know you want everyone to see how much of a bad fucking girl you are inside... but don't worry, Dieter knows, and I'll help you show them," he pulls you against him harshly, your chest pushed up against his, as his teeth sink at the hollow of your neck. "I'll get the world to see just who you really are, baby. Let me show you the way-"

You scream as he thrusts into you once more as he rips your orgasm out of you violently, crying out into his neck as Dieter explodes into his Gucci trousers, the mixture of your slick and his thick cum making an absolute mess of his loaned suit.  

I guess I'll have to pay for these, Dieter thinks to himself as he cradles your shaking form into his arms, licking away the salty tears running down your face. "You did so good, Doll, don't cry-" he whispers, stroking the back of your head as he tries to get you to calm down. "What do you need, baby?"

You lie quietly against his chest, your breaths falling into rhythm with his, as he assumes you're simply gathering your thoughts. "Baby," he pleads softly, his hands tracing soothing paths along your exposed back. "Please, say something—"

"Marry me," you whisper against his chest, the words barely audible but filled with undeniable certainty.

Dieter freezes, his heart skipping a beat at your unexpected words. For a moment, he's speechless, his mind racing to catch up with the sudden turn of events. Slowly, he lifts his head to meet your gaze, eyes wide with shock and disbelief.

"What did you say?" he breathes, his voice barely above a whisper, as if afraid that speaking any louder might shatter the fragile moment.

You lift your head, meeting Dieter's stunned gaze with unwavering determination. "I said, marry me," you repeat, your voice steady despite the racing of your heart. "Let's take this car and drive it to Vegas, get married by some overweight Elvis impersonator, and book the honeymoon suite at the Cosmo... I don't care how we do it, but let's get fucking married, D!"

Dieter's mind whirls with a mix of emotions—astonishment, disbelief, and a profound sense of joy. He blinks several times, as if trying to confirm that he's not dreaming, before a wide grin spreads across his face.

"Oh, my God," he breathes, his voice trembling with emotion. "Yes. Yes, a thousand times yes."

Taglist:@yxtkiwiyxt @skysmiller @picketniffler @readingiskeepingmegoing @islacharlotte @drewharrisonwriter

@missladym1981@amyispxnk@thespookywookies@stevie75@mysterious-moonstruck-musings

@daydream-believer19@survivingandenduring@darkheartgatita @gobaaby-blog-blog

[thepaintedsable]

Spread finished! I decided the other page would be fanart of fandoms I find somewhat more entertaining than the actual media at this point.

Mostly because I like to watch fires burning, lol.

Even though this art isn't explicet and only shows the main guy, obligatory notice that the game "Your Boyfriend" is 18+ only, and the creator does not want minors interacting with the game nor in the fandom due to its content. Additionally, do not seek out/invade 18+ parts of fandoms as a minor. Heed this warning, for yourself and for others.

Talking and some sketches below the cut:

I mean this wholeheartedly, fandom is so fun. I derive so much joy by digging through what feels like surprise extra content, except it's made by people who like the same thing you do. From wholesome to unhinged, I love it all (generally, anyways. Some things can get a little... too unhinged).

I mean no disrespect with anything I say.

But for some reason??? That's Not My Neighbor and The Amazing Digital Circus got slotted into the same part of my brain for "unhinged fandom" as Your Boyfriend and Undertale??? Like guys 💀 How did I manage to get onto the unhinged side of a fandom for what amounts to a stationary point-and-click game??? A cartoon with two whole episodes??? I am having the time of my life but???

At least Your Boyfriend has an... excuse? It's a "romantic visual novel" type game but one of your love interests is actually a stalker who kills anyone who gets too close to you. Also falls into the "character knows its a game" trope but I haven't played myself to know if it shows up in-game just yet. I can see how that can attract a group of Individuals™️. I don't even know how I found the game/fandom, I'm going to be honest. The game is not even finished yet, and it looks like it's last big flush was two years ago. Horror media is horror media, tho, and I've been able to dig out some actual horror fan content in-between the... other stuff.

Undertale is Undertale. We all know what happened with Undertale. I had my time with Undertale, and even though it's past I generally hold the least regrets with my enjoyment of it in terms of fandoms. I used to like Underfell Sans lol. I still enjoy the game, never got into Deltarune.

That's Not My Neighbor fandom, or at least the side of it that I've stumbled into, is so real. It is so funny I love it. It is somehow all Milkman and that means I am either being pushed memes or the most down bad horrendous formation of words and brushstrokes you can imagine. Let my boy sleep, he didnt do nothing wrong 😭 I don't even think I'd personally enjoy the actual game, from the videos I've seen. The concept does vibe with me though (1950s, postwar era monster horror? Hell yeah).

TADC is only here because it is insane to me that even some people did not think Jax was going to be an absolute trashbag and flipped the switch on him (im unsure of how many people really held this beleif, but ive seen it talked about). Totally yalls poragitive, but man was that FAST. I guess I'm too used to seeing people liking vilian/antagonist characters, but I guess I'm proud of yall for realizing you can't fix him lmfao?

^ Sans Undertale disapproves in your choice of men

^ Some sketches I did while making the character stills.

[specialagentartemis]

I've been curious before when I've seen you use this tag, but your year in review post made me want to ask: what is perpetual perpetual ladies night?

"Perpetual perpetual ladies night" is an idea that Kat @clonerightsagenda came up with, around the same time we started planning Podcast Girls Week. It came out of discord discussions about the centrality of men in fandom attention, both in specific (we were both big into Wolf 359 fandom, and saw the vast disparities of attention the male characters got vs. the women, and when we tried to talk about Minkowski or Hera or Lovelace or Maxwell, the conversation tended to dry up fast - in one notable instance, someone on discord shifting a conversation about Maxwell to be about Kepler and Jacobi instead, complaining that it was just too hard to talk about the women without talking about the men) and the general (how often do you see joke posts about your blorbos, about characters that live rent-free in your mind, about how everyone chooses a sopping wet pathetic war criminal to obsess over - and how often do you see those posts explicitly assume it's a man?) The idea was to give the same kind of unhinged attention and in-depth headcanons and silly jokes to the women characters too. Such posts centering on female characters (in more depth than "I love her" or "she has the one braincell of the team") go in the tag.

At that time it was "perpetual ladies night 2k22," a play on the idea of Girls Night. What if we want every night to be girls night??? Every day is Boys Night in fandom, after all. Then 2023 rolled around and we wanted to keep doing it, so Kat switched it from "perpetual ladies night 2k22" to "perpetual perpetual ladies night."

At its core, it's a personal challenge to blog about female characters when doing Fandom Blogging. A challenge to lavish fannish attention on women. And a way to keep them all in one tag so there are lots of Posts About Women to easily find and highlight.

Using "perpetual perpetual ladies night" as a framework of thinking about tumblr engagement helps me, personally - the other day, when I was musing about Odysseus's feelings on the Trojan War, it kind of prompted me to think, damn, have I ever considered how Penelope felt about the inciting incident of the Trojan War??? And a follow-up perpetual perpetual ladies night post was made, and it challenged me to wonder about things that were suddenly equally interesting to me!

All in all: it's kind of a statement and kind of a game. And I entirely encourage anyone who wants to join in!

[artisan-dino-nuggets]

simulation dash for my unhinged superhero wip

🦸blazes-eyepatch Follow

guys... i cant after tonights livestream.... he was so pretty omg

#how am i supposed to go about my evening #luna talks

🎨 ladame-selindistress reblogged

🍀lucieluck55 Follow

every day i become more and more convinced that lady luck is a lesbian. and la dame is her wife. and ace is their son.

#father son holy spirit

🤩 shinysuperb00ts

you guys forget that there are actual people under these masks, the amount of toe-curling fanfiction i've seen on this site is actually scary.

#smh #shiny says stuff

👹 superpowered-swag

"ace is so dumb and pathetic he's never won a fight" SHUT UP rachel NO ONE talks about him like that. he is my SON. MY CHILD MY BABY BOY

💅 rachelloves Follow

my god blaze is FINEEE

#husband material frfr #ace on the other hand #ew ew looks like a twelve year old boy #i need my men big and strong

🌞 la-dames-left-boot

chapter 56 of our tigress x la dame courtroom au is out now!! sorry we missed last week. we forgor

[dyketubbo]

Holy shit thank you so much for your posts. It seems like tumblr is decades behind on its talks about feminism.

I see either:

- Basic feminism posts about the fundamentals of patriarchy and how men benefit from it getting bombarded by people saying the user is terfy (they have somehow never heard of men as a social class and think that every comment about men is bioessentialist)

- Posts with some of the most annoying rebranded notallmen stuff on the planet (I've seen a lot of posts saying women being wary of men is Bad because they're also oppressed! and there are Good Men out there!!)

- Actually extremely bigoted terf posts with some of the most unhinged pseudoscience stuff out there

It depresses me to such a huge extent! Why why why can't women actually call out misogyny? The focus on how white feminist women are bad genuinely reminds me of fucking gamergate. This isn't to say there is not a racism issue basically everywhere and also in feminism and its past and current history, but I always see that phrased used to dismiss women speaking out about misogyny and to coddle men right afterwards with stuff like "cis men we love you!!". Like please.

Sorry for the big rant internet stranger!

tumblr doesnt like feminism because it hasnt grown out of calling all feminists feminazis and its annoying as hell. ive had to explain to people that no, feminism isnt owned by terfs yes its about equality not about treating men as lesser and its fucking insane that people have let it get to the point where terfs have actually fucking managed to taint feminism in peoples minds. literally so many people have gone fucking backwards. even in queer spaces i cannot tell you how many fucking men can NOT go a single fucking second without talking about how actually its okay for them to treat women badly because theyre not attracted to them and seeing women make them dysphoric :((((

its sooooo fucked up. let women speak. hell not even just women just let feminists speak, in general! let the people who actually fucking understand the core points about treating people equally regardless of gender speak up. terfs and racists and bigots do not and should not have say about what counts as feminism because their idea of feminism is inherently inequal. i think honestly as stupid and corny as "what we all have in common is hating women" type statements can be it is very real that once you hate women, the more you disconnect yourself from women, from femininity, in order to hate them and look down upon them, you start fitting in. you start benefitting. (and of course theres nuance to this but its 12am and im not getting into all of that right now). and its not like i understand all the ins and outs, god no! im some 18 year old making feminist posts on my mcyt blog! but its incredible how many people just Miss the basics. completely. gnaws my arms about it

[oodlyenough]

last of us 1x08

I had fucked up dreams last night after watching this episode lmfao

Obviously this will talk about the content of the ep so general cw for attempted child sexual assault and uh cannibalism I guess

Overall, probably one of the best this season. Very faithfully adapted from the game, which is a neutral point, but I was impressed that for all I knew what was going to happen basically beat by beat I was still on edge.

Not sure if this is #unpopular or not but I found David MUCH creepier here (from a starting place of "very creepy already" in the game), and I also found his characterization overall to be better. I've never really been sure if in the game you're meant to ever trust him, but I never did, partly because Nolan North plays him with the slimiest voice imaginable, so him turning out to be a creep is kind of a no-shit moment.

Whereas I thought this David was much better at putting up a front, which in turn made him all the more terrifying. It was way too easy to imagine this David pre-apocalypse, teaching (UGHHH), ingratiating himself in the community, getting away with all of it because these kinds of men so often do. The slide "from teacher to preacher" god like of COURSE this mf would find a different way to gain power, control and access over people including/especially children... Ugh it was all 2 Real and that much more creepy.

I also though the way they dealt with the cannibalism was very good honestly. It would've been easy to purely justify it with "people are starving, and we're eating the dead" -- which is kind of what David says, but you can use the context clues to deduce that it's not just that they're eating their dead out of desperation, but that they are actively hunting people for food, he's keeping it a secret, it's, imo, clearly part of his sick power-tripping rather than necessity (as others pointed out, relatively inexperienced Ellie finds game very quickly and easily in one hunting trip lol).

I also thought the slight tension between David and James was interesting here -- obviously James is also a freak, lol, but their disagreement over how to handle Ellie and the general rift between them, as the episode goes on I think you do get the sense that even James is uncomfortable with this side of David and tried roundabout ways to talk him out of going after her or just about shot her in the head. (I keep wanting to joke that James is like "I can excuse cannibalism, but..." but frankly 1. one of these things IS worse than the other and also 2. in the end he still enables everything David does anyway! Bc of course he does. Isn't that how it always goes.)

This was definitely the big showcase for Ellie and for Bella Ramsey. (Watching people whine and cry about it, "two episodes of mostly Ellie wahhhhh" lmaooo shes the main character of the franchise losers, deal with it.) Ramsey was very good. Everyone's saying it but yes the primal screaming in that restaurant scene, ugh, chilling and excellent.

I did find the very first scene between Ellie, James and David had me wincing, like Ellie's tough guy voice was just so bad and felt like a kid play-acting ... but then I suppose that was probably the exact intent, that Ellie was trying to be threatening but wasn't capable of actually BEING threatening in that moment. There's a huge difference between that fake bravado and her (entirely justified) rage and violence later in the episode.

Joel was very Joel in this. I don't have much to say about him lol, it was nice to see Pedro's Joel go a bit unhinged, something we've heard tell of in various episodes but only seen scraps of before. "It's all right, I believe him" is such a memorable bit of the game and it just as chilling here.

Ok time for some criticisms:

They leaned HARD into the pedophile angle for David here. That was always in the game, but it was fairly subtextual, with more emphasis on the cannibalism. Here it was the reverse. Although disturbing, I generally didn't mind -- but I did feel the final scene, and specifically his dialogue in it, about "liking the fight" was just too Ick for me. Very HBO. I felt we didn't need it to know what he was going to do. (Then again audiences do miss the obvious all the time...)

I didn't really miss the infected fight in this episode. I saw people say that you need it to build a false sense of trust between David and Ellie but like... lmao idk I never trusted that guy for a single second. BUT I will say I *do* wish we saw more infected in the series overall. I know it's not about the zombies~ but they are still, uh, the reason all of this is going on, fundamentally. They're what makes rebuilding a functioning large-scale society near impossible, because it falters so easily with a simple misstep leading to infection and outbreak.

The ending felt a bit rushed. The Joel-Ellie reunion didn't hit me as hard as I wanted, although it seems to have resonated with the show fans. It's not an issue (for me) of him pulling her off David, or not -- I like the way it played out -- it's just... I dunno. Something about the way it ended on the two of them wandering off together, maybe? Maybe I liked the game's cut to black with her sobbing in his arms more?

I also felt that because they spent more time with David's community, there was a real glaring absence of them in the climax. These people have been under David's thumb for who knows how long, presumably with James + co as his enforcers. Now they're free but directionless. What comes next? Obviously, the show can't explore all of that, but questions like "why hasn't anyone tried to stop Joel in town" "why didn't anyone notice the fire" "where are other guards" etc... I think we could've used another scene with Hannah and her mom (who totally looks just like Mel from TLOU2, lmao).

AND the biggest one of all...

Feeling pretty :/ about the "violent heart" speech to Ellie. From David's POV, it makes total sense for him to say those things. He's trying to manipulate and groom her. I completely buy the dialogue, from him.

But I was left wondering if I the viewer was meant to agree, concluded that I am probably supposed to agree, and also that I ... don't. This has been a recurring criticism from me of the show's portrayal of Ellie. I've mostly tried to make my peace with it by acknowledging Show Ellie and Game Ellie are different characters evolving slightly differently and living slightly different lives yadda yadda... But I dunno. I guess I won't be able to say how I feel about it until I see s2 and s3 anyway lmao.

[chemiicalformula]

Ok bc of your doctor jekyll and mr hyde post I am now extremely curious. What's your favorite interpretation of the original story?

ah! hello anon!! sorry i took a while, i usually don't get asks and this honestly made me very happy!!! 🧪 buckle up because you've just opened the flood gates

(also i use commas like my life depends on it, so my apologies in advance for run-ons)

so, let's see, my favorite interpretation of the strange case of... , that's a bit of a tough one seeing as i like quite a few i've seen around and also my own, sort of, which is...

essentially, what i got was henry jekyll and edward hyde are both henry jekyll. one man, two bodies ; not two men, one body/head/mind, you get me? i don't exactly enjoy how media has turned them into a "split personality" symbol when that's not what the original story was about, and i also don't really enjoy how people try to write off henry as some sort of saint when he was simply going incognito mode by mixing a potion and disguising himself so he could try and just live life until it unfortunately took a turn for the worst

and with that said, i feel i must address that when it comes to the movies (although i absolutely love fredric march's performance as the doctor and mister hyde in the 1931 film) i really hate that most of them try to:

A. make him appear far younger and more innocent/naive than he is because come on, he's written as a large, fifty year old man who is a bit (well actually a lot) unhinged and selfish but knows how to act like he's not (and i love him for it)

B. have him be engaged to marry a woman (most times the daughter of sir danvers carew when that's the dude he literally murdered like huh???) when i'm a firm believer (as a bisexual nb man) in henry jekyll being someone who was forced to hide his sexuality because of the strict victorian society he lives in, so he just never marries and goes on about his life alone out of shame with a hint of fear

C. try to pass it off as some sort of intrusive thoughts or split personality thing because it's not either, and finally

D. don't add in utterson or hastie because!!! come on man, they were in the story too! and poole, and enfield because some of their dialogue made me giggle for no reason (in all honesty, i find a lot of the book very humorous but maybe that's just because i love the characters and feel a strong connection to the premise given personal reasons)

now, i do love hearing theories; one big example is utterson thinking hyde was some sort of secret lover or even more outrageous (a long lost son??!) who's planning to blackmail jekyll. it's really funny to me in a dark comedy sort of way because it's such a huge leap to make seeing as gabriel is one of his best friends, yet he came to that kind of conclusion so quickly after henry said edward hyde was someone of interest to him, but given the time period and the customs, it's not surprising to understand why he could be thinking that (plus i don't think jekyll running down the stairs after waking up as hyde in his hilariously oversized clothes or filling hyde's townhouse with expensive stuff made it any better)

"i can't pretend i shall ever like him." GABRIEL, DEAR SIR, THAT'S JUST JEKYLL YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!! and it's so funny!!

i also love the interpretations by everyone who says they head canon henry jekyll/edward hyde as being on the spectrum or/and that he's trans, because hell yeah dude, as someone who is both, i will give all of you a high-five for being so rad and so cool

i feel like there's more i could say but i've rambled so much already and i apologize for that, but thank you once again for the ask and feel free to message me if you ever want to talk about more (anyone for that matter can do so because i really want to engage with more fans!!) 💉

bonus : for reading this far, here's a silly drawing

[cala-aceattorney]

Ok I just finished replaying AA4, right? And I just want to say how incredibly unfair it is that Kristoph is so HOT. Like why does AA gotta make their villains so hot?! Unfair!!!

Anyways I've been THINKING abt Kristoph- abt him being legitimately nice. Like wholesome-ish Kristoph is actually my kryptonite.

i should simp for Klavier instead. Hes hot. But Kristoph 👀👀👀

Imagine the Gavin brothers fighting over you or both flirting with u to see who wins!!

Hi, thanks for the ask!

Does kristoph qualify as hot? Actually what villain in aa is genuinely hot? I'm thinking dahlia but she's more porcelain-doll-pretty than like. Sexually attractive. Kristoph is crystal-immaculate AND he's a big whore (Sorry not sorry) but again. Hot? I think the only really "hot" villain would be matt engarde. (Not that i experience sexual attraction.) (I also refuse to mention manfred von karma.) but why are the villains so pretty! (Not manfred fuck off manfred)

Kristoph being nice is all that i live for btw ! i think when he was just a teen and klavier was a child i think he genuinely cared for his little brother? I think he still does actually but they've grown so distant and kristoph only feels the need to be perfect so he'll use anyone at his disposal as a stepping stone. He's just a bit unhinged. Just like me <3 /j

Klavier is attractive actually. He's great! I should do a little meta analysis on him and how he pushes the game forward. Again, no sexual attraction here so i cant comment.

And no, i cant imagine the brothers fighting over anyone really. They've probably got very different taste in men. And im not that masc-looking anyways. And I'd rather go through the Manipulative Brother Experience™️ than be a romantic partner? (Also i am OBLIVIOUS to flirting. Not that anyone would flirt with me. I've seen two people flirt in front of me but i couldn't even notice so i just kept on talking about whatever i was talking about while not knowing i was a third wheel. So that's great :D)

Or did i get that wrong. Were you trying to get me to write something about the gav bros x reader or something. In that case im sorry idk how to write x reader :,)

[tommyarashikage]

🌟❤️🏡🔪❓️ for Juliet

thank you, Mika! ❤️ I enjoy working on her way too much sksks

🌟 When your OC loses all hope, who do they turn to first? What helps make them feel better? What calms them down and reassures them? Why?

Depending on the situation, she'd turn to someone from her family first. Either her husband, her father or one of her brothers (Particularly in that order). A simple distraction usually makes her feel better. Not thinking about what made her upset in the first place. Could be anything that makes her happy, really. Or perhaps something that needs her full attention. A training session, cooking, knitting, going out or as soon as the kids are there, spending time with them. Alternatively, something that also calms her down and reassures her is spending quality time and having some intimate moments with her man.

❤️ What would your OC’s ideal lover be like? Appearance, personality, voice? Would their family approve or would it be civil war?

Honesty and sincerity are one of if not the most important aspects of a partner to Juliet. Up to this point, her life has been full of lies, deception and insincerity and she's sick of it. Her ideal partner would present themself in their full "glory", flaws and strengths laid bare open from the start. As long as they're honest, sincere, caring and respectful toward her, she really doesn't care about the rest. Additionally, a good sense of humour or someone who can at least make her laugh.

As for looks, she has always preferred more dapper looking men, well-dressed and well-groomed. Strong or striking features are very attractive to her. It doesn't exactly matter what, but she's quite fond of someone having facial features that stand out. (I guess you could say, someone who isn't conventionally attractive) She'd also like them to be rather athletic/fit like she is, but it's not a requirement. And she's always had a weakness for tall men (taller than her at the very least).

She is very fond of people with deep voices. Bonus points if there's a hint of them being a little bit unhinged.

Even if her family isn't very fond of Juliet's partner (like her father currently is, again), they're all supportive of the relationship as long as she's happy. (Know that her brothers make fun of Monty constantly. They can't take him seriously.)

🏡 Describe your OCs ideal house! Give us a tour around! What’s their garden like? Their bedroom? Kitchen? Where is it and how many people live there?

Since Juliet grew up living in a big house with a lot of people around, she wouldn't have it any other way with her very own home. She's spoiled like that 😔 so she needs a big house. After all, 5 people are going to live there (+ a lot of animals), they really need the big house. The kitchen is a very important room to Juliet since she loves to cook. And she experiments a lot so she needs the space.

It'd have to be somewhere in Europe, preferably close to her family. It doesn't have to be in Italy, but any other continent would be too far away. 

🔪 Has your OC ever killed someone? Ever had to defend themselves against violence? How did this make them feel? Or, alternatively, has your OC ever attacked someone? Seen someone die?

As of yet, she hasn't killed someone. The one time she had to defend herself against violence was when her now husband and her were rivals and fought each other. Juliet was extremely annoyed by him at first. She thought he was being way too overdramatic all the time. Lucky for him, she fell in love with him before she could get rid of him. She also still holds a grudge against her ex…

❓ A random fact or short drabble! Or make up your own question to ask the OC!

I've already mentioned several times that Juliet had wanted to become a biologist, but never what her work in college was about; her work was about the intelligence of animals! She actually worked with a lot of them including dogs, cats, birds, rodents, sealife animals like dolphins and sharks, monkeys, elephants you name it. Among them were also Alligators, which Juliet hatched and raised all by herself and even ended up keeping. She named them Lou and Shaw and they're most dear to her.

[antiyourwokehomophobia2]

(previous anon here)

I’m not trying to imply anything at all, I’m just genuinely curious about your viewpoint and how much of it is influenced by your experiences interacting with trans people. Sorry if it came off as rude, that wasn’t my intent

Well. I met one trans person back in middle school (he wasn't trans then). He was a very clearly gay boy and he got bullied to hell and back for it. He even got talked badly about in my high school which he didn't even fucking attend! People were genuinely that cruel to him. Even had the pleasure of hearing him deliberately referred to as "it" 🙄 (the guy literally was like "him... Or it" like Jesus) It's no wonder he wanted to transition to a woman. I actually really liked him and, last I checked, he was very aware he was a homosexual male and didn't try to pretend otherwise. He was always nice and accepting of me. I have nothing but fond memories of him.

Second trans person I met was in high school. I had seen her around a few times before she started to transition. She was a lesbian. I never really talked to her... In fact, I think the only thing I ever actually said to her was "what does your hat say?". By the time she had started presenting as male, I was already gender critical. I couldn't help but think how sad it was that we were only teenagers and she was clearly on testosterone and either wearing a binder or had top surgery. Like... There's no way her being a lesbian didn't massively effect her desire to be a guy. I will say, though, she dropped a ton of weight during her transition so maybe she really was happier like that. I don't know enough about her to say. I do find it funny that the two trans people I've personally met irl have been homosexuals with a rough school life (really bad relationships in her case).

I also met two significant trans people online who I had extensive conversation with. Both of them fully knowing my gender crit views.

The first one was extremely annoying cause it was clear that she was trying to goad me. I wasn't interested in engaging so I ended the conversation. A while later, she messaged me again and was all like "it bothers me you call trans men female. We're male." and was just spouting nonsense but I guess she was too big of a fan to leave me alone cause she reblogged some of my posts with commentary 😭. I only remember one reblog because it produced such a funny response from another gendie. That's besides the point though. This girl was absolutely dead set on calling herself a gay man even though she was female lmao. Not liking the fact you're female does not a man make.

The second was a transmed who was more than a little unhinged. Not because she was trans but because she had some uh... Political opinions and personality traits I couldn't get behind. Don't have much to say about her tbh.

I feel like my views have been effected by these 4 people. The first 2 are literally just "a lot of trans people are just gays who have dealt with massive homophobia" and the last 2 are just "some other trans people hold views made by insane junk science" (the girl insisting she was male was adamant about the idea that there were articles proving trans men are male). Knowing these people made it easier for gender critical ideas to stick cause it's like... Yea, what gender crits say is true lmao. I've seen it. I know what type of people these things tend to find.

[sizzlingpatrolfox]

Imagine if jk can get possessive and jealous cause his lover decided to separate perilla leaves for someone, then how he would react if his lover (apparently jimin) hugged, kissed someone's forehead, sat on someone's lap, carried someone bridal style, being carried bridal style, and in general being intimate with someone other than jk.... And the fact jk himself does all these things and more with jm and other members tells me jk is either single or straight and in relationship with a girl. It can't be with a boy because what jk does with other members is not acceptable or appropriate behavior when in relationship. Like his boyfriend must not be ok with jk grabbing and squeezing jm's butt or sitting on tae's lap or with hobi...yeah..whatever he does with him. Or maybe it's not a big deal in lgbt community? Idk how it works. I cant imagine jk being gay or bi and being in a relationship with a boy but at the same time acting like that. If my boyfriend behaved the same with other girls like he is with me, I wouldn't think twice before breaking up.

- Omgggggg I just read your answers to other anons. I can't believe how similar we both think. I am the anon who said jk might be single or straight and in relationship with a girl. I meant to say he might actually be straight and then I read your previous replies. Honestly a normal sane person would form similar conclusion from the whole debate. I 100 % agree with you. I was very sure tae was straight. The example you gave about your parents is so on point. It made me think jk is straight. Cause yeah I can't imagine my boyfriend helping out with food for one of my bff.

---

I think this will probably the last time I talk about this, because it's like an endless loop but here it goes.

The reason why it's weird to me, is because of two things: it's a very heteronormative debate & because of Jungkook's relationship with the other members of BTS.

I hang out way too much with gay men, gay people in general (once, my mom actually told me "you will never get a boyfriend with friends like that"; maybe she was right, can't find a heterosexual man when I don't hang out with them often), and at least here where I'm from, gay men acting like Jimin or JK act with BTS members wouldn't be weird at all, even if they're a couple. It's completely normal for gay men even those in relationships, to be like that with their friends here. I've been with gay men who offered blow jobs to both straight and gay men at parties. They're just unhinged. From what I know, European gays are even worse. Knowing Korean dating culture tho, and how possessiveness and jealousy is kind of a big deal and is expected of a partner, I thought gay men there probably live by those dating rules of their culture, and not the ones from the western gays, you know? Eventually, in late 2019, seeing how Jimin and JK act, and trying to see their actions and relationships from the perspective of them being a couple, I assumed gay Korean guys just act like gay guys all over the world and maybe the heterosexual dating "rules" in Korea don't apply in the community.

Now, the perilla leaf debate, all I've seen about it is from heterosexual couples 🤷‍♀️ it looks like a dating rule heteros would invent. I would like to know how Korean gay men in relationships feel about it. I mean, gay men that we know for sure are gay.

I've said before how I thought (and still think) that the comparisons between jikook and hetero Korean couples are useless and don't really make a point at all, because of how different gay men behave to straight people in relationships. I doubt you'll see Son Yejin or Hyuna sitting on another man's BAWLS or you'd see Hyunbin or Dawn say "X girl is mine". Maybe they would say the same about someone of their same sex, because there would be not even suspicion of intent there, since they are straight. But I'm not sure they would do or say stuff like that about the opposite sex.

If Jungkook is or ever was in a relationship with a girl, his interactions with BTS would not be questionable at all. Actually, most male idols can be in straight relationships and still do exaggerated fanservice with their bandmates because their girlfriends know that's just their bros 💪👊

And the argument that "it's their culture"; Jungkook clearly stated that he doesn't mind if his partner is pouring beer or soup for their friend because "that's our culture" he said, perilla isn't really what he, at least, considers cultural customs. It actually reminded me of Mijoo because that happened in September 2019, right.. in November 2019 they filmed winter package and this happened:

Jimin backhugged Jin and Jin said "not in lover's mode" and Jimin stepped away and just posed next to him.

So, one would argue that backhugs are their culture and it's okay for friends and blah blah blah, but even with cultural customs everybody has a different opinion on those. For Jungkook, hugging Mijoo like that was allegedly a friendly thing, as it is for him to hug BTS like that too. For Jin, it was a romantic pose. In the perilla debate, JK thinks it's romantic and Jin thinks it's not.

I also wonder if it's one of those things that if there wasn't a debate around it, would he have an opinion at all. As we've seen recently, Jungkook is very much into k-dramas and internet slang/culture. Has he really thought about it or it's just one of those things he's seen from the outside looking "intimate" and has decided, without experiencing it himself, that it wouldn't be okay?

Or maybe it's just that whatever relationship he has with Jimin is not exclusive or anything like that, so none of them have reasons to actually act exclusive or expect exclusivity from each other. His relationship with Jimin as we see it, and as we see them interact with the other members, especially Jungkook for me, does not look like the type of relationship of a guy who cares about perilla leaves.

If he was talking about people outside of BTS, I guess it's proof, or at least for me it's enough proof that the rules that apply in the outside BTS world, they don't apply with the members. But that could also be the case even for jikook's suspicious interactions: maybe those interactions are not suspicious at all in the inside context of BTS.

Coincidentally, a few days ago I saw a tweet (maybe some of you have seen it too, it was retweeted by a big jikook account) where a guy reacting to jikook videos said something like this: if they weren't in a group or if they weren't kpop idols and they were just regular people, and he was seeing them act like that in the "real world", he would be absolutely conviced that they're a couple. That's something I've said a lot in the past, too. IF the circumstances were different, it would be a no-brainer.

The line between friendship and romantic relationship in groups of lgbtq people sometimes is very thin, and if you don't know the dynamics of the group, you'd think friends are dating each other all the time. But if JK definitely draws a lines at perilla leaves, with it he's clearly making a distinction between a friend and a romantic partner, it tells me that he does make a difference between them, and then to me the most coherent thing would be that he draws a line at other bigger stuff too, but frankly, I don't see it. I used to see it for a while in 2018-2019 but it's not there anymore.

Generally speaking, the things that make them stand out right now to me is the time they spend together and that Jimin still pretends to kiss him, and sometimes the way they speak to each other. But aside from that, I don't see much difference. Even less when it comes to skinship.

(Of course, to know that they live together would make all the difference in the world, and in 2020 it did. Even if they barely interacted on camera, or interacted in ways that weren't "obvious", the living situation said a lot. But that changed too, so..)

It's already been two years of this and I've talked about it with my friends when it happened, but during MOTS ONE concert, Jimin cried and JK went to him and squeezed/massaged his neck and I thought that was sooo 🅱️oyfriend and such a caring, intimate, affectionate gesture. The whole thing. I really thought it was a big, meaningful gesture and for some reason, I personally put a lot of meaning into the way JK caressed Jimin's nape that time. Fastforward some weeks later, and JK does exactly the same to Jin here, and Jin wasn't crying or anything. And since then it has happened with Taehyung too that I remember.

And also, you'd think that Taehyung thinking like that about the perilla leaf, or what he answered on weverse today, he would be more mindful or have more "decorum" in the way he interacts with people in relationships, but he has none of that when he interacts with Jimin or with Jungkook. Even asking JK to cook for him and being all over him in the kitchen hugging him and whatnot (I'm using this example since you know, the topic is food).

So, if Jungkook is exclusive in his way of treating Jimin vs how he treats other BTS members, it's definitely not there where I can see it. I've been saying that for the longest time tho, and anyone knows that because I've always been clear about it, I didn't really need the perilla discussion to think this. It just added more context and reasons for me to think that at least when it comes to BTS, I don't see what his answer to the perilla leaf debate would indicate.

So, in conclusion; to me, the Jungkook that I see in a BTS context, what I see of his relationship with Jimin, and the way he interacts with the other members and the little I've seen of him talking with other people, I don't see a partner that would care about perilla leaves. Or at least not a partner to Jimin.

On the other hand, Jimin's position on the perilla leaf debate makes complete sense with the way he is on camera with JK and with the other members. I think I've said before that, even if Jimin feels like JK skinship with the others it's too much, he wouldn't actually try to stop him or change him, and the way he said "you've helped my friend with their leaves, now help me with mine, wouldn't that make it okay?" it fits. It's cohessive also with how, in several ocassions Jimin has asked JK to treat him as nicely as he was treating some other people. Like in Malta when Jin dropped a piece of meat and JK said it's okay, you did great. Jimin dropped meat too after that and he wanted JK to tell him it was okay too. Or when he wondered why JK was like that around minwoo but not around him. He didn't mean that JK should be a different way with minwoo, Jimin just wanted the same treatment from JK. There have been times too, recent moments, when Taehyung and JK are doing something and Jimin "gets in the middle", and whoooo suddenly it's a vminkook moment, and a couple of times from what I remember that Taehyung touched JK and Jimin inmediately touched JK, too. At first I thought it was coincidence, even if it has happened more than once, but I don't think it was a coincidence anymore. Same thing when he asked JK to do a drawing of him like he did for Hobi.

Maybe, possibly, probably the whole thing speaks to their lives and relationships outside of BTS more than within BTS. At least that's the only way it would make sense to me. I guess the only way for Jungkook's answer would be cohessive for me, it would be to see them how they are with their friends in real life; but that will never happen, so I will probably always belong to the "if they weren't idols..." group of people.

[liketheinferno2]

Alright so now that I am IN STORMBLOOD I feel like while I've immediately realised /why/ people dislike it; the brutality is amped up sharply, we've left the cushy eyeball metaphor and gone directly into explicit horrors, there's female characters being pathetic and difficult, and the villain is an unhinged manchild.... but these are all things I really really really enjoy lmao I'm having a fantastic time. Here's Patchi cold clocking Elskan:

A lot of you thought I'd like Zenos, and I do think he's a funny bitch. I like that he's trying really hard to make his voice sound sexy and it just doesn't. But also I'm in danger. Mags insists the only way this man has ever gotten off in his life was when the WOL was beating his ass and from first impressions I'm inclined to believe that, or at least I dearly want to. Also always loved how the Garlean armor has these big exaggerated third eye designs like they're compensating for something. Like check out how fat and luscious my forehead lump is.

I think Haurchefant's just going to stay with me. I've taken his title as well because as far as I'm concerned Patchi's still a grieving widower right now. In-character moment, he took what happened with Estinien very hard and has resolved not to lose himself to anger anymore, because seeing a close comrade reach the point of "the only way out of this is kill myself" clicked together the realization that if he doesn't shape up that's the way he'll go as well, and that's simply not allowed to happen. Too much love for others who need him to be around.

Also fuck yeah DESERT. It's Pagos shirt time again baby. You thought you'd seen the last of her. I'm open to whatever inner torment Lyse has going on and I think she's interesting but also they should not have let her have a fake identity for five years holy shit lol. It's kind of not connected right in my brain because new look, new face, new name, new voice acting, new personality? My brain interprets it as Yda just died and they put her sister in her place, not least because that's what happened actually but not really but it did.

We were having rather a spirited conversation about the way that women in this game are sensible and competent and mature and regularly pretty but also generally milder, and how the western audience's first instinct might be to assume that they're getting less development because the game's favouring male players and therefore male characters and male experiences... but it ain't so. The men are simultaneously more in-focus and FAR more sexualised, made to hit more attractive appeal points and also to BE HORNY DIRECTLY AT YOU.

The fact that women don't lust after the player really at all tells me this much -- the game is favouring straight female players so hard it hasn't stopped shovelling beautiful tormented men into your mouth up until this point. However. Lyse being immature and brash, inexperienced and angry, lashing out because a recent tragedy has stolen a core aspect of the identity she'd been using as a shield? Bodes well I say. Still wish a girl would be embarrassingly lustful in my direction in this game for once, though having my little catboy cat-man being a dude-magnet exclusively is kind of amusing on its own. My only qualm is that her design is full-on lame-ass girlfriend, but Ardbert's a compelling lame-ass boyfriend, so call that equality and stick a fork in it.

Also, his name escapes me presently but this guy was one of my favourite parts of ARR so I'm delighted to see him back, about 150 hours later. Loved all the Ala Mhigo stuff then and I'm still into it now. Did he get a new face? He's very pretty.

Alberic has some kind of calming fatherly energy now, I don't know if it's because I've tried so hard to take care of his boy for the past however-long Heavensward was. Just noticed he's greying too. The dragoon stress I'll bet. Estinien fucking off without even leaving a note is such an Estinien thing to do.... Midlanders being one of the shorter races, I thought about Estinien hitting his first Elezen puberty and bamboo-shooting past Alberic in a year or so and now I'm tearing up lol

and now WOLSHIP IN YOUR EYES!!!

You love Miqo/Viera height difference so much I know you do

Mags showed Patchi to their FC discord and I have been eating up the praise all night. He IS a good catboy they ARE a hot couple I did a good job, thank you.

Also humina humina Mint's new outfit.

There's also the small matter of WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAH WHAT ARE THOSE. No longer at motorboat height. This is something else. This is snussy-eating height. Good day.

[anewbeginningagain]

There's something reall relatable about Shoma that the other top Japanese men simply don't possess. I don't mean this as a putdown, it's just that Yuzu is a mega celebrity and acts like it, and Yuma is an adorable little bean but too young to have his own style and identity yet. Shoma brings a lot of emotion, wild energy, his own brand of artistry... You don't know what you're gonna get from him on a given day, but you don know it's gonna be A RIDE.

100% all of this. Shoma is very captivating imo and what makes his programs work (even the weaker ones) is that he fully commits to the performance. Shoma also interprets music and performs with his entire body so even as a small(-ish) skater he has an incredible ability to fill (and feel) the ice. He is unpredictable at times but I don't think I've ever seen him give anything less than 110% of what he has to give and as you said he has his own identity as a skater while also being versatile.

Regarding Yuzu, at times he appears like the most humble person and I believe he is humble because it doesn't seem fake. At the same time at times, he looks like he is hyper-aware of the hype that surrounds him and he takes advantage of it but not in a good way. As I said, to me it is often like he is trying to either play weird mind games with his competitors or just trying to hype his cult followers (probably both), and given just how unhinged big parts of his stans are that's borderline irresponsible. And as I said #2, the more his stans scream that he is the reincarnation of God almighty, the more it makes me see the flaws and dislike his skating.

[tastic-blog]

So, inspired by a recent first time viewing (how did i make it this long? No good answers) of The Holiday, I now present to you my Christmas gift to the internet 

A Comprehensive Ranking of Romcom Sweaters by Sadness

Join me in an exploration of the knitwear of these dreamy eyed seekers of love, hearts full and arms covered! Their faith: true. Their choices: frequently bad. Their necks: cold.

Two notes before I begin! First- a lot of my very serious research came from the When Romance Met Comedy series of essays by @carolinesiede This series is one of my favorite things on the internet and you should all check it out

Second- my love for this genre is deep and sincere, as is my love for sweaters. Those who dismiss either out of hand may see themselves out.

OK LET'S DO THIS

0/10 Clueless

 

None percent sadness. Your hair is thick and shining, your schemes are manifold and successful, Daddy's sucky Italian roast is doing exactly what you intended. Let your arms bask in the sun in your sweater vest of youthful triumph.

(Note- the presence of sweaters in teen romcoms are rare. Sweaters are for olds. A teen wearing a sweater is generally a nerd, a cynic, or a cynical nerd. Just another reason why Cher Horowitz is an icon.)

1/10 When Harry Met Sally...

Only a slight tinge of melancholy. Sure, Sally's been on some bad dates recently and she could probably stand to get laid. But it's autumn in New York and she's a fucking avatar of emotional well-adjustment. The sweater is perfectly fitted and perfectly tucked. God, she's in such great shape. 

+100 bonus points for Crystal serving proto Chris Evans in Knives Out realness

2/10 While You Were Sleeping

This ranking may appear controversially low, as Lucy Eleanor Moderatz is pretty fucking sad. She is alone at Christmas. Her beloved father is dead and she's fantasizing about an asshole she sees once a day from a public transit token booth. But you guys. This sweater. I've been searching for this sweater since 1995. It's enormous, yet beautifully shaped. It's the platonic ideal of coziness. SHE CAN LITERALLY HIDE PRESENTS IN HER SLEEVES. Sandy B is getting a break on the rent and peak Bill Pullman is about to lean over her, she's doing fine.

3/10 Bridget Jones Diary

Not great, but not precisely sad. Mark Darcy is at a shitty party wearing a dumb sweater and is about to thoughtlessly fuck up his romantic life. But his parents aren't the most embarrassing in the room, and he's got wine and gherkins. Things could be much worse. 

4/10 Practical Magic

 

The sadness of Sally Owens is legion, but she cried in her PJ's and she's got more pressing concerns now. She's got daughters to take care of and a thriving skincare business to run and an undead rapist to send to hell. This is a sweater that acknowledges that your sister is a glamorous fuck up with terrible taste in men, and then is ready to get down to business. It's lightly fitted, with the breathing room for serious magicks. 

(Maybe rethink the hair clips tho)

5/10 (500) Days Of Summer

 

This is where things start to take a turn for the more majorly sad. Tom is pretty pathetic. This is the saggy, washed out cardigan of a man who thinks that liking The Smiths is a meaningful character trait. It needs to be lain flat to dry, and so does Tom. But he still gets up in the morning, puts on a tiny tie, and goes to work. His depression is functional, and so is his sweater.

6/10 The Holiday- Cammy D edition

Amanda is sad in the way that only the thin, unhinged, and inexplicably wealthy can be. She has no friends. She doesn't know how to pronounce esophageal. The pristine whiteness of this cable knit is terrifying; the reckless abandon with which she waves a glass of pinot in front of it, even more so. You know that shit is dry clean only. Truly, a sadness touched with insanity.

7/ 10Love Actually, Colin Firth

The heaviest, darkest, most turtley-necked sweater to wear on a sadness vacation, sorry writer's retreat, in fucking France. What kind of whiny sack falls in love with someone with whom he cannot communicate at the most basic level? She's in her underwear, he's in an itchy monstrosity 3 sizes too big. This plot line can eat me like that collar is eating his chin.

8/10 Breakfast at Tiffany's

Who gave Holly Golightly the right to be so sad and look so good?? I spent my twenties sobbing on dozens of fire escapes and never came close. In a movie of iconic fashion, this sweatshirt is pre-American Apparel nonsense. Her soul is empty, but her hamper is apparently full because that's some laundry day shit. Her sad sweater is so sad, it trudged north and grew a depressive turban companion. 

9/10 High Fidelity and Love Actually 

 

Aka the asshole division. Above, a terrible boyfriend turned into a worse ex boyfriend in the worst fucking sweater I've ever seen. It's a Cosby sweater.  A COSBY SWEATER. And below, a creep who turned filming his best friend's wedding into an opportunity to stalk and who keeps that video WITH THE REST OF HIS REGULAR VIDEOS AND IS THAT A DETACHABLE COLLAR?? At least Rob exhibits some growth, Stalker McGee over there gets a kiss on the cheek and a pat on the ass from his movie. These guys are jerks and their sweaters are terrible.

10/10 The Holiday- Kate Winslet edition

 

The nadir of sartorial desperation. Like its wearer, Iris' sweater has given up. It has no color, no shape, and no options. It is a formless mass that won't even keep your neck warm, thereby necessitating The Stringy Scarf of Sadness. It is literally a sweater in which to contemplate suicide. Thank god Eli Wallach is waiting in the wings, because this is as bad as it gets.

Ok, I'm gonna go watch While You Were Sleeping. THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT