#IMAGINE BOTH OF THEM BEING EMO OVER THEIR SHITTY CHILDHOOD

[iamjjmmma]

tldr: I have bpd. (Loong text ahead)

Note: All names have been changed for privacy.

 I never like to open up about mental health. Not only is it messy- it's also degrading. But this is an exception. 

So I'm going to lay it out for you. Right here, right now.

 I have borderline personality disorder.

 I'm telling you because, unlike with so many other things about me, you deserve to know this. And the way I got my diagnosis was long, narrow, and harrowing. So get comfy. 

Of all things, it all started with a death. About a month ago, a family friend who wasn't any older than three or four died. My entire family was devastated, but for seemingly no reason, I seemed to be the one who cried the most, who felt the most heartbroken. Not even my cousins, who were closer to her, cried this much. Of course, my sister noticed and encouraged me to get myself into grief counseling. I love my sister more than anyone else in the whole wide world, so it didn't take long before I was booking my first appointment with a Catholic counselor 45 minutes away who knew me ever since I was little. 

"Hey there, Sk3ltal. Something seem to be a problem?

" I get angry. I'm in your office, I think. How the hell would there NOT be a problem? I think. But over five years of this kind of anger gives you a kind of knack for brushing it off as hormonal and pretending your fine.

 "Well, Manuela...something does seem to be a problem. Somebody...close to me died. And she was young..."

 At this point, I'm bursting into tears. I wonder why. I get the "oh, honey, it's okay" treatment. She gives me a hug, offers me all the tissues I need, even lets me hold her dog if I can get past the fact that he's just about as still as a blast of wind. Thirty seconds later, I'm fine again.

 "Manuela, I want to make sure that I'm fine. That it's not grief and just sadness. I want to know how not to lose it in public. Because I feel crazy."

 Manuela bites her lip. "Grief does make the most ordinary people act like insane asylum patients, no?" 

A week later, I'm back in her office. By now, it's almost the end of September. And something"s eating at me. For the first time in my sixteen years, a movie not only humanized the villian, but made me relate to her. Relate to her enough to do this. BPD. Only heard about it once or twice before. Asked my mom if I had it, then she laughed and said it was just me being a teenager and that yes, crying four times a day and slamming the door EVERY TIME YOU HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO was completely normal.

 So was the scratches on my skin I convinced my parents was "wicked eczema", and so was me pulling out my hair and banging my head against solid objects. And now, people were talking about how a movie character had it, and how many symptoms she exhibited. Suddenly, hunger for knowledge reached out its hands. I wanted to know.

 Could it be I had this? And what was it? 

Manuela was a little concerned, but considering I was getting bored as usual in her office, she let me take the questionnaire. Five minutes pass by, half of which I spent taking the quiz. And I think the moment I saw her face turn pale was the minute things started to fall apart and go back into place, all at the same time. "Honey, I...you're positive." ... 

Of course, I wasn't diagnosed right then and there. I had to make sure I could point it back to a specific event when it started- in this case, what happened when I was ten between my childhood best friend and i; she ghosted me, and i haven’t heard a word from her since- so they couldn't blame it on my "womanly teenage hormones" (yes, I was telling the truth; the event just helped to rule out those hormones). My family and close friends, whatever the hell the last one was, were interviewed. When my dad was interviewed, I could feel his face turn pale this time as he whispered, "Oh, my God. You just described my kid. Something's wrong with my kid." 

Next was a rudimentary physical with my family practitioner. to make sure nothing physical, other than me being a teenager, could be causing the symptoms. When the doctor said "nothing's wrong other than what you keep on seeing me for so far", my heart didn't sink. I didn't feel anything. The diagnosis was made official a short time later, but I didn't feel anything then either. And that's, ironically, a huge part of borderline personality disorder.

 Borderline personality disorder, to flaunt it in a more colorful way, is your mind constantly being fucked by a tornado of emotion while the borderline, which is what the disorder is named after, obtains a corporeal form and joins in the fuckery to create a massive threesome. Four if you count Lonely, my friend in the back. 

Getting my diagnosis may havw been one of the most quietly difficult things I've ever done. 

There's the fact that some mental health professionals are afraid with those with borderline personality disorder, or think it's completely impossible for children or adolescents to have it. If not for the relationship Manuela and I already had, I most likely would have been misdiagnosed again. On to the misdiagnoses, which are staggeringly common in those with borderline personality disorder. I was diagnosed...

 -three times with some type of anxiety 

-twice with PTSD 

-once with bulimia 

-accused hundreds of times of being demonically possessed because of my "temper". that priest now knows better.

 But now to the real criteria. There's nine of them, and to be diagnosed, you need to get at least five.

 -Abandonment issues 

This was the biggie. It was almost like I grew up, then regressed. This all started when I was eleven, and my mind would switch from being 4 to being the 11 year old I was. I have too many stories of me being left alone for a ridiculously insignificant amount of time, then me acting like a scared toddler in solitary confinement about it. The time at the high school when I got locked in the bathroom. The time I got left in the car for 5 minutes and almost broke the door trying to get out. There's so many more, but this one, I think, takes the cake.

 I was twelve. They had the house childproofed because of my sister, who was 7 at the time and had autism, so she tended to be grabbier than then average bear. The acting out was at its peak back then, and my parents made the mistake of putting me in time-out by locking me in my bedroom for five minutes. 

What happened next was almost indescribable. Imagine the outright terror the character in the movie feels when he or she is stranded and realizes they're utterly alone. No one will come to save them. No one. The helicopter they came in is empty. The island always has, and always is, empty. Or imagine the terror you felt at school during that one time it WASN'T a drill. Now multiply that feeling by about sixty. I was nothing more than an animal that day. I screamed.

 "LET ME OUT OF HERE!" "SOMEBODY HELP ME!" "DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE!" "I DON'T WANNA DIE HERE!". Bang, bang, bang, bang, BANG, BANG. 

My parents always tell me that I would've beat that damn door down had they not gotten me out. They open the door. I practically jump on them to hug them. They bump me off, and while I'm not hurt, it's not like that made me feel any better, either. 

"What is your problem, young lady?! Can't we leave you alone for five minutes? How are you going to be able to be an adult and be like this?"

 Tears poured down my face. I didn't know. 

Hell, I still don't know. 

-"Borderline" way of thinking when it comes to relationships...always seeing others as either perfect angels or a bucket of nasty-ass toxic waste. 

-Self-harm. 

No, I don't cut myself. that's the stereotype, although there's people I know who self harm in this way. I didn't know what it was called or what I was going.

 but all I knew was that I was relieving whatever tension I had, even if it meant hurting myself. I quickly learned how to keep it hidden, and that was by realizing the millions of nerves on the surface of my skin and how that would cause pain without much overall damage. so I scratched myself. and scratched. and scratched. and scratched. pulling my hair was also a good option. if I feel really crummy, I start to bang my head into solid objects or bend one of my bones, although not enough to break it.

 at first, it was to transfer emotional pain into physical pain so I wouldn't have to feel it emotionally anymore. 

and it's still that now, to an extent. except it's more about controlling my anger and not letting it show in public, instead keeping it chained to my skin. and I'm sorry if this sounds emo or cringy, but it's true.

 now, it's turned into an impulse.

 -unstable relationships.

 my friends can all tell you that I love them dearly, more than the vast majority of the people they know. and they also know that I'm also more prone to lashing out or doing things in the relationship that don't make sense, like purposefully ignoring texts and phone calls for a day.

 -shifting self-image. 

what I wanted to be when I grew up was sometimes as fickle as the time of day. I wanted to be an actor during one point in my childhood. it consumed my everything, kept me from eating, from sleeping. and at another short point, I know wanted to be a singer.

 in the course of one particular year, I wanted to be a nun, then an author, then an engineer, then a truck driver, then a nurse, then a teacher. it was ridiculous,

 and all happening during a period where the education system expected me to decide what I wanted to be. 

and what about who I was? was I a girl? a boy? young? old? the best Catholic there was? a solid atheist?

 I have my 5. there's more, but I don't want to share it all, at least right now. and most of it is actually because the program I'm using to type this is really shitty when it comes to saving huge chunks of text lol. 

Treatment:

 I've started therapy. So far, both Manuela and I are still researching BPD so none of us are blind to stigma. However, there's a long road ahead of me, and a road I most likely wouldn't even consider taking if it weren't for my love for my sister (which I'm begging is genuine and not just a product of my mental illness). Finding a medication will be tough, seeing as there's no official medicine for BPD but so far, for the first time, I can feel the "BPD me" fading away when I drink tea with ginseng (a mood stabilizer). 

getting "better" from BPD, or at least working to alleviate the symptoms, requires just that: work. lots of patience, persistence, and just lots and lots of hard damn work. 

it'll take us getting rid of societal stigmas and working through the root causes, which unfortunately I can't just be "taken away from" as with those whose BPD diagnoses came while they were still living in broken homes. 

 And the worst part of it all is that I still love my best friend.

[princess-faelivrin]

It’s a very abridged list of characters, BUT I wanted to make a post about my interpretations of some of the CoH characters despite the fact that Nobody Asked. Apologies in advance for 100000 blocks of text and yelling. 

TÚRIN

Call it projecting, ‘cause I guess it is, but Túrin has always been half-Asian in my head, in terms of appearance. I don’t know if I do a good enough job of showing it in my art, but Morwen reminds me of my Taiwanese mom and Húrin of my white-passing dad, so my Túrin takes after his mom. He’s stated to have grey eyes, so grey eyes he will have, but I tend to draw them dark enough that they almost look black. Aside from that, he’s tallish with unruly also-almost-black hair and a tendency to wear dark colors, which... might also be projection except for the tall part. It is what it is. 

Anyway, personality-wise... I mean this with all the love in my heart, but Túrin’s a dumb emo. Actually I partially take that back-- he’s a smart emo, smart and charismatic enough to be a natural leader with a good head for battle, but a ridiculous emo nonetheless. 

As stated in the Childhood of Túrin, he was kind of a weird kid, too old for his age and slightly unsettling, with a quick temper and an ability to hold grudges, but he cared deeply for the feelings of those around him and had a strong protective instinct for his little sis Lalaith. He’s also shown to have a leaning towards pity throughout his life, for anyone hurt or sad or at a disadvantage, which is really sweet and kinda makes me want to cry. 

Later on, Túrin is clearly pretty impulsive and can be ruled by anger, like when he smacked Saeros in the nose with a cup (which is valid) and lashed out at Beleg when he tried to give him bread. He felt bad about that second one pretty quickly, but I think it’s mentioned a couple times throughout CoH that people are scared of Túrin because of how quickly his mood can go south. 

On the other hand, despite the fact that he keeps directly and indirectly killing them, Túrin actually does really love his friends. Obvs he loves Beleg, and he loved Sador and probably Nellas too, and during the Nargothrond chapter he tries his best to look after Gwindor and Finduilas and try to figure out what’s making both of them so damned sad all the time. He fails, of course, because he’s too oblivious to notice the romantic tension so thick you’d have to use Gurthang to cut it, but he tries and that’s what counts. 

BELEG

I think it might just be because of fanart, but Beleg as I see him has silver hair. Between Beleg and Mablung, the consensus seems to be that one of them has dark hair and the other silver, so my Beleg is the silver one. I have actually no idea what color his eyes are, though. Hazel? Who knows. He’s taller than Túrin, that’s for sure, with long legs and broad shoulders. I like drawing him with a little white flower pin on his clothes. 

He seems to be a pretty cheerful dude, probably the most cheerful in all of CoH, which is good for him, I guess. He laughs when the outlaws see him and go “oh shit, who is that?” and lets them be in suspense for a second or two before going “haha, sike, it’s me! Beleg! I have food for y’all starving dudes.” Thus, he’s a good foil/companion to Túrin’s depressing nature and his death removes a lot of the scant happiness in Túrin’s life. 

Something I love about Beleg is that he’s very forgiving and just like... a ridiculously nice person for the situation. Beleg doesn’t hold anything against Túrin, doesn’t hold anything against Andróg either (which is pretty impressive,) and immediately decides to give Gwindor lembas and take him along for the ride after finding him under a tree in the forest. 

The big important thing to Beleg’s personality, imo, is that he’s very loyal (to Túrin specifically.) Despite being told it’s a dangerous idea, he goes and looks for Túrin in the wilderness, and even Thingol is well aware he won’t be stopped. It also outright says that where Túrin is concerned, Beleg “yield[s] to his love against his wisdom” to be with him. He’s straight up referred to as the most steadfast of friends, which is really sad because it’s like a sentence after he dies, but there it is-- Beleg is a good friend and a loyal one. 

TÚRIN’S FAMILY

I already mentioned the fact that Túrin’s family reminds me a lot of mine, which definitely influences my perception of them, but anyway: 

Morwen is a fairly angular lady, who has dark dark hair pulled into a chopstick bun behind her head and a pair of raven-feather earrings that gleam in low light. She’s the parent that Túrin got his unsettling edgy aura from, and her Displeased Face is enough to scare any intruder out of her house. She loves her kids and her husband, but she’s stern so sometimes it’s hard to tell. 

Húrin is the neighborhood guy who knows everyone and who everyone knows in return. He’s kind of a square-looking blond guy, like Van Hohenheim from Fullmetal Alchemist except happier and more of a jock. He apparently can play the harp, which is cool, and he probably has lots of stories from being out and about with the elf-host. He loves his kids and his wife and likes to joke around sometimes with Túrin because he’s so straightforward and less inclined to humor. 

Niënor outstripped her parents and her brother in height, and ended up the tallest of the family. She has her dad’s blonde hair, and is slightly more square shaped than her mom or her brother. She’s also half-Asian, but you have to squint. She doesn’t fight like her brother, and is acutely aware of the Túrin-shaped hole in her mother’s life and heart and the matching shadow cast over her own life. However unlike Túrin she is in some ways, she has the same occasional fiery stubbornness and penchant for anguished theatrics, albeit on a smaller scale. 

Lalaith... poor kid. She was charming and cute but didn’t last long. 

MABLUNG

My Mablung has wavy-ish dark hair in a similar style to Beleg’s, and has a slightly less willowy build, for lack of a better way to compare them. He’s got dark eyebrows to better express how utterly unimpressed he is with whatever dumb shit is going down in Doriath, and probably a few not-too-flashy piercings. He’s very dignified in posture and appearance, but not like... pretentious, because he fights people in the woods on a regular basis. 

Out of Túrin’s friends, Mablung is probably the most akin to the Responsible One, with Gwindor at a close second. He’s less willing than Beleg to drop everything for a friend, and requires more evidence to support it, but he’ll still do it after thinking it over and will probably beat himself up about not having gone for it sooner. 

On that point, poor guy takes too much onto his own shoulders and ends up feeling shitty and miserable when he fails at something that he could not have possibly succeeded at. This is demonstrated in terrible, heartwrenching fashion throughout the story, when Mablung asks Thingol to fire him because he lost Morwen and Niënor, to which Thingol says “what no, you’re too good, we need you” and Melian says “don’t feel too bad about it, ok?” (he ignores the last part and continues to feel bad enough about it that he looks for Niënor for Literal Years.) Also on that topic is the scene in which Mablung sees Túrin dead and stands there like some sort of Beleriand Benvolio, realizing that all his friends are dead and that “thus with words have I slain one that I loved.” 

NELLAS

I almost forgot her, can you imagine? You probably can, because she’s a minor character who disappeared like a third of the way through the story, but let’s not talk about that. She’s a forest girl, so I imagine she likes to wear a lot of nice leaves on her head, and/or make a bunch of flower crowns and then drop them in fright if anyone happens to find her in the process. She has dark brown hair and big, curious eyes, and is short and slight even by human standards. 

Nellas has... hardcore dirt lesbian energy. It’s implied that she had a crush on Túrin, but honestly, I doubt that very much. In my head, she and Túrin were just really close pals, and she taught him about how to live in the woods and how to rescue worms from the rain. Her moment of glory, basically, is going into the city once and immediately proceeding to freeze up from anxiety in front of the king. Is that a mood? Yeah and I love her. I hope she’s okay.  

ANDRÓG

I realize he’s another minor character, but he is a very compelling one to me specifically, so. As I imagine him, he’s a fairly lean young dude with a hungry-wolf look about him, which is sort of a mixture of desperation, suspicion, and plain snappishness. He has dark eyes and hair a little darker than what could be called ‘mousy brown,’ tied back in a short ponytail. He also has a frequent scowl and generally is a little bit scary, although he isn’t exactly physically imposing in the ‘tall and buff’ sense. 

There really is no other way to describe Andróg’s personality than ‘he’s a particularly mean tsundere.’ He’s just... full of rage and repressed Feelings for Túrin and possibly also Beleg. Unfortunately, these feelings manifest in Being A Bitch And Generally Not Nice. It takes him so long to admit he can’t actually hate Beleg that he literally just up and dies after doing one (1) nice thing. Why do I like him? It’s anyone’s guess tbh. 

GWINDOR

Ah... yes...... the character who nobody talks about but who I love with my whole heart and soul. To start off with appearance, the only canon things about what he looks like is that he has dark hair and looks older than he would otherwise because torture. Immediately post-imprisonment and during it, I imagine his hair is short, but beforehand and a while after, it gets back to being long. He has a bunch of scars from all that too, and generally has the bearing and amount of grey hairs as a substitute teacher who nobody listens to. I draw him with grey eyes usually, but saw @bisexualturin‘s hc of him having had violet eyes before and I’m kinda in love thanks. 

In terms of who he is as a person, we don’t know much of what he was like before the Nirnaeth, but as I see him, he’s always had a fiery streak and a slightly acerbic sense of humor. Being tormented for 14 years forced him to mellow out some, by which I mean a) how the hell are you supposed to keep your sense of humor after that and b) as shown in his arguments with Túrin over tactics, he’s now extremely wary of head-on battle. 

He’s fundamentally someone who wants the best for the people around him, and who loves both Finduilas and Túrin very much despite feeling hurt and miserable over the fact that his opinion is now worth nothing to those in charge and the sense that he’s not good enough for anyone (much less his two best friends) in his current state. Overall, his dying speech is emblematic of the very Oof Ouch and Complicated feelings he ended up having toward Túrin, namely “you’re a dumbass and probably should have listened to me, but I love you and I am going to try my damndest to give both you and Finduilas as much of a chance at life as I can, even here as I bleed out in your arms.” 

Which brings us to... 

FINDUILAS

Finduilas is sweet like honey chamomile tea and her whole being radiates soft sunlight. In my mind, she’s somewhat round-faced, with really fluffy golden hair, sparkly freckles on tan skin, and a liking for wearing light blue clothes that match her eyes. She smiles a lot and possibly gives off actual light??? Also my heart is full of affection for chubby Finduilas. General consensus is Soft. 

Canon-wise, whether she’s more introverted or extroverted is kind of up to interpretation, as all we’re really given is that she worries about Túrin when he’s out fighting and “wishe[s] not to add one tear to [Gwindor’s] suffering.” I tend to think of her as sunny and gregarious, with way more game than her dad, and with endless reserves of empathy, sympathy, and compassion for the people she loves. 

As a Finwean princess, she absolutely has the capacity for badassery, which makes me very into the idea of Túrin rescuing her post-Nargothrond as per Gwindor’s request and the two of them going on a road trip of doom. But unfortunately, we don’t get to see another side of her in the book. 

I usually just put the book down and cry after the sack of Nargothrond, so I’ll just do one more character: 

ORODRETH

Ok, so Finduilas has to have gotten her Vanyarin hair from her dad, clearly. But since Elves can probably change their appearances based on willpower to some degree, Orodreth’s hair is nowhere near as fluffy, and is a darker honey-blonde than Finduilas’ gold. He’s one of the plainest-looking Finweans by virtue of the fact that he perpetually has this look on his face that makes him seem like he wants to melt into the floor and go back to Aman. Which he kinda does. 

Unfortunately, Orodreth didn’t do much in the story except be a doormat to like five different people and then die, but I still like him for whatever reason. Way early on, before Húrin or his kids were a thing, Orodreth was still himself, aka someone who asked nicely for people to not make bad decisions, and predictably didn’t get listened to. Sure, some of Fëanor’s terrible boys took over his hidden elf city, but what was he going to do? Fight them? No. He’d rather just Not. 

...I feel bad for him. He literally did not ask for Any Of That. 

that’s all y’all, I am so sorry for making you read the entirety of the inside of my head as it has been for the past four months 

[senjutsunokoutei]

Ares Reflections

So Ares has finally ended… Here are my thoughts on Ares as a whole and some interpretations & headcanons on Nosaka and Nishikage’s relationship. ...The latter is, uh, really long. 

My biggest gripe about Ares is the poor pacing, but I enjoyed the overall plot and characters. Ares had a lot of potential and I think a lot opportunities were wasted because everything was so rushed.

I think one of the problems was the fact that there were so many characters in Ares. They had most of the original characters on top of Asuto, Haizaki, and Nosaka. It’s so hard to squeeze screentime for ALL these characters in just 26 episodes. Ares definitely deserved at least 52 episodes. They tried to balance the content between the original characters and the new Ares protags, but they ended up not giving enough time to both sides... I would've liked more content on Kira Hiroto and Atsuya since they're dead in the original timeline… I got really emo about Atsuya because Shirou suffered so much with his personality complex in the original series. I wanted to see gradual character development for the new Ares characters, not some abrupt, sudden change of heart.

Also remember how Asuto overheard Nosaka’s conversation with Anna? He knew about Nosaka’s brain tumor but he wasn’t really… affected by it? It would’ve been nice if Asuto faltered even the slightest bit because of this information, just for the sake of character development. Because I remember Endou felt really bad when he found out Kidou was fighting for Haruna’s sake? I wanted Asuto to go through something similar to that…

I also didn’t like how Nishikage and Nosaka just pulled new hissatsus out of their asses? I guess since they were the opponent team and not Raimon, development isn’t as important to them… But a little bit of development would’ve been nice. The final match had way too many hissatsus and it just felt extremely rushed… Heck, the entire show was rushed what was I expecting. I was very happy with Goujin’s development though. He had one of the best character developments in Ares.

It also felt like Nosaka’s personality (or, at least the depiction of him?) kept changing too abruptly. He was framed as a cold, emotionless character at first but warms up to Raimon super quickly. I get that some of that has to do with him trying to keep up a strong image of himself. I also don’t get why Nosaka was like “I will win… I have to win…” during the match. I understand he wanted to fight Raimon fair and square and let the match decide the fate of Ares, but at the same time it seemed like he was desperate to win? When deep down, he was really hoping to lose… And then now he’s suddenly buddy buddies with Asuto and Haizaki. I mean, I understand why they’re friendly now, I just don’t like how it happened so fast. I like his mischievous side though, it’s really cute. I hope he continues to troll Nishikage and Haizaki in Orion.

Basically, I like how they set up Ares, and it had potential to be so much better, but they ended up rushing the plot so they missed a lot of opportunities to make the show more dramatic. Hopefully Orion does a better job of character development and interactions. I have high hopes in Orion.

One last thing -- honestly, I am really perplexed by the whole Anna thing. This isn’t even because I ship Nosaka and Nishikage - I just really do not understand what the point of framing Anna as a love interest. First, they framed it as if Nosaka were interested in Anna (with the whole “is it even possible to have feelings for a girl” thing). I didn’t like that to begin with because they literally had JUST MET by pure coincidence because Nosaka happened to collapse and Anna happened to witness it. Anna’s a nice girl so of course she helps him out. During the Outei and Seishou match, Anna was upset that Nosaka used such low-handed tactics. There was absolutely no reason for Anna to develop feelings for him after seeing a shitty play like that. If anything, she’s just worried about him just like any other nice girl would because he’s literally at risk of dying. Then, out of the blue, in the last two episodes, Anna for some reason seems to have developed a thing for Nosaka? She makes an attempted confession (it was strongly implied, at least), only to be rejected by Nosaka before she even got to confess. Nosaka and Haizaki makes more sense as a ship… Heck, even Nosaka and Asuto make a better ship. Like honestly I’d support them if their relationship actually /made sense/. Everything they share is so... shallow... like their interactions were so trivial. Perhaps it’s just my personal preference because I like ships where one character does something to influence the other character in some way. I /guess/ I can see why Nosaka would be slightly interested in Anna because she was nice to him and I guess he’s not used to people being nice to him. I don’t think Anna’s a bad character, I just don’t like how they wrote her interactions with Nosaka. I do want to see Nishikage and Anna become friendly with each in Orion though, since they haven’t had a proper interaction yet.

Okay here are some thoughts and headcanons about Nosaka & Nishikage’s relationship. Perhaps I’m reading too much into their lines, but I’m a shipper who loves to overanalyze so take these with a grain of salt.

Nosaka confesses that he wasn’t really trying to achieve anything in particular; he just wanted his existence to be acknowledged by somebody. Before meeting Nishikage, he was neglected and likely abused by his parents (primarily his mom). He would probably do his best to get his mom to acknowledge and be proud of him, but she would ignore anything he did. He lived a sad, lonely childhood and desperately sought attention. When he saved that girl in the fire incident, he knew that if he could save that girl even at the risk of his life, he would be able to make an impact on the world. Surely, he’d be acknowledged for that. At that time, he wasn’t scared of losing his life because he didn’t really have anything to live for. He was ready to sacrifice his life if that meant he could be acknowledged, because he desperately desired recognition. Nishikage was the first person to ever acknowledge and respect Nosaka, which made Nosaka happy.

Nishikage saw his action as a selfless, courageous act and fell for Nosaka. Nishikage wanted to save the girl too, but gave up because the flames were too strong. Nosaka went into the building without hesitation, and Nishikage was smitten by his bravery. I don’t know what sort of past Nishikage had, but here’s my headcanon. He wasn’t born in a bad family - in fact, he was probably pretty well off. However, he was either bullied or was deceived and swindled a lot, which made him lose faith in humanity. He’s a good boy at heart so he initially tried to put his trust in people, but after being cheated over and over, he loses hope for the world. At some point, he decides to fight back against his bullies. He’s naturally strong and tough, so he wins all his fights. He probably makes a name for himself through all his fights and turns a bit delinquent. I don’t think he’s the type to start fights, but he definitely won’t go easy on anyone who tries to pick a fight with him.

After meeting Nosaka, he realizes there really are good people in the world. Also, after hearing about Nosaka’s situation, he realizes that Nosaka is similar to him in that the people around him didn’t treat him well, but Nosaka took a different approach. Nosaka was also treated badly by the world, but that didn’t cause him to turn his back against the world. Instead, Nosaka wanted to make the world a better place. That lights a fire in Nishikage’s heart and inspires him to help make the world a better place instead of despising the world. He vows to change the world alongside with Nosaka. Nishikage fell for his courage, determination, and sense of righteousness. Nosaka becomes a role model to Nishikage, because to Nishikage, Nosaka is the kind of “ideal” person he aspires to be. Although Nosaka admits that he was ultimately doing it for recognition, Nishikage acknowledges that Nosaka has good intentions with his actions and will still continue to support Nosaka all the way because he trusts Nosaka’s judgment.

When they first meet, Nosaka mentions changing the world with the Ares program. This was back when he wanted to something big so he can be acknowledged. Nishikage likes the sound of it, and vows to follow and support Nosaka in this cause. Nosaka is under the impression that Nishikage is only following him because of this goal to change the world. As the first and only person who has ever praised him, Nosaka was really happy and wanted Nishikage to stay by his side. He was scared Nishikage would leave if he found out that he was only trying to be acknowledged, so he desperately tries to keep up the strong image that he thinks Nishikage has of him. At the same time, having Nishikage around kept him in check, as Nosaka admitted in ep 26. Nishikage was the motivation for him to keep going this whole time. Nosaka definitely would have broken down if Nishikage weren’t there with him... Imagine all the pain and suffering he must have endured because of his brain tumor… Uuuuu... The reason why Nosaka didn’t consult Nishikage about his suspicions about Ares at all was because Nishikage was under the impression that the Ares program was meant to make the world a better place. Nosaka didn’t want to cast any doubt on Ares for Nishikage since that was pretty much the foundation for their dream of changing the world.

I think Nosaka wanted to tell Nishikage about his illness at some point, and probably even made an attempt to, but couldn’t because he didn’t know how to bring it up. He didn’t want Nishikage to worry, and he didn’t want to show signs of weakness either. He hid his illness from the entire team so they would be able to focus on the matches and not have to worry about his illness in the back of their minds.

In episode 24, Nishikage gets caught up in his emotions and says he wants to be with Nosaka longer and even tries to demand Nosaka to stop playing soccer. To Nishikage, Nosaka’s life is more important than achieving this goal. When Nosaka realizes that Nishikage found out about his brain tumor, he panicked. He frantically needed to maintain his strong image, which led him to do the kabedon. After the kabedon, Nishikage takes some time to cool down (he must be full of emotions after that). He takes the time to reflect about Nosaka’s actions, remembers that’s what he loves about Nosaka in the first place, and decides that he will support Nosaka all the way till the end. When Nishikage confesses why he fell in love with him and says he’ll support Nosaka’s cause until the bitter end, Nosaka looks away for a bit because he feels bad because deep down, he’s really not trying to achieve anything in particular. But he still looks back and smiles at Nishikage because he’s still happy to hear those words.

Nosaka finally confesses that he’s not really trying to achieve anything and apologizes to Nishikage for not being able to be the “perfect person” he thinks he is. Given how the game was going, he had pretty much accepted that the Ares program was bad at that point, so he knew he couldn’t keep hiding things any longer. Nosaka apologizes because he thinks he has disappointed Nishikage, but this doesn’t change how Nishikage thinks of him. This is a nuance that gets lost in translation, but in episode 26, when Nishikage says “you are my hero,” he uses uses casual speech to Nosaka for the first time instead of his usual polite speech. After hearing Nosaka’s confession, he realizes that Nosaka was likely keeping up his strong image just for his sake. He realizes that Nosaka doesn’t exactly want to be treated like an emperor. He drops his polite speech for that line to show that he doesn’t see Nosaka as just his perfect emperor, but as his hero. I headcanon that Nishikage had fix his bad mouth in order to get into Outei Tsukinomiya, so he practiced polite/formal speech with Nosaka and got used to it. He holds a lot of respect for Nosaka, so using polite speech to him was something he felt obligated in doing anyway. I also think it’s highly possible that Nishikage said to Nosaka the exact same line (“you are my hero”) in the past when they first met. So he says it again in the same connotation as the first time, just to ensure Nosaka that he still sees him as his hero, just like before. I hope he drops the polite speech in Orion because I want them to see each other as equals.

Anyway, while both of them deeply cared for each other, they seemed to have some misunderstandings about each other, which caused a bit of tension throughout the show. After the match, I’m sure Nosaka explains to the rest of the team about his entire plan. I’m sure he and Nishikage have a heart-to-heart conversation and clear up their misunderstandings, which prompted me to draw this comic.

I think it’s sweet how they show affection to each other in their own ways. Nosaka loves to tease and mess with Nishikage, which is kind of his way of showing affection. He’s comfortable around Nishikage and loves seeing his reactions. Nosaka is a bit mischievous in his nature and it’s really cute (like how he trolled Haizaki with the handshake). Nishikage will do every little small thing for Nosaka… He carries all the bags when they go shopping (in the official postcard art). He has a towel prepared for Nosaka after he’s done washing his face. He guards Nosaka when Haizaki showed signs of aggression. He really did treat Nosaka as his emperor…

Nosaka kept in a lot of these emotions to himself. No matter how strong-willed he is, there is still so much he can take. In this final episode, he finally shows a little bit of his weaknesses. He hides his brain tumor from everyone on the team because he doesn’t want them to worry for him. He doesn’t really have any interaction to anyone outside of Outei, so when he met Anna, he took that opportunity to talk about himself. I think he confided in Anna because he probably felt that it was safe to tell her about himself since he didn’t expect her to spread any of that information to the rest of his team. I like the idea of Anna being the middle person to help Nosaka and Nishikage patch up, but again I don’t really like how they developed her character...

Anyway, I’m super excited for the Nosaka manga that will be published in MangaOne. Who knows when it’ll come out, but I can’t wait to read it!

[highwiredazeken]

THE DAYS AND NIGHTS OF AMERICAN TEETH

American Teeth is the sonic alter ego of Elijah Noll, who collaborates alongside producer Colin Brittain (All Time Low, A Day To Remember, ONE OK ROCK, Papa Roach) and this meeting of the minds has resulted in quite a journey into the realm of pop punk and beyond. Hailing from Portland, Maine but currently based in Los Angeles, American Teeth recently signed to Fearless Records and plan to release his debut album later this year.  With singles such as Barred Out and One Of These Days already making a lasting impression on all types of music fans, American Teeth is slated to open the Aftershock Music Festival in Sacramento and has other live shows in the works as well.  Highwire Daze recently interviewed Elijah Noll find out a whole lot more about the up and coming American Teeth and their absolutely exhilarating, imaginative songs!  Read on…

Introduce yourself, tell me what you do in American Teeth and how long you’ve been doing this project. I am the singer, writer, co-producer of American Teeth. I started the project – we’re coming up on two years in June actually. So, it’s a fairly new project that came out of a session that I had with my now frequent collaborator Colin Brittain – who’s a great producer. We had a session with Munky from KORN actually – that was kind of put together and we really ended up hitting it off the two of us and started writing songs for fun – and that’s kind of how it all started.

How did you wind up signing with Fearless Records? That was after a couple of different meetings – Colin and I together ended up going around meeting a couple of different record labels – Fearless was one of them. Colin actually knew Andy Serrao the President of the label – so we ended up popping in there after one of our meetings in the area out here in LA.

You’re originally from Portland, Maine. What was the music scene like in Portland, Maine and were you involved with any bands up there? The music scene was definitely small. I was more involved as a fan of the emo scene up in the area. I don’t know if you know the band Sparks The Rescue – I went to some of their shows. We had a few venues like The State Theater. The Cumberland County Civic Center was kind of like our arena-type venue. I specifically remember seeing My Chemical Romance and Green Day there, which were pretty pivotal moments for me at the time. I used to play mostly house parties in kid’s basements and stuff like that. I definitely didn’t explode on the Portland, Maine scene. I was more kind of a fan within the scene.

And now you’re all the way across the country in Los Angeles which has a legendary music scene. What did you think of the music scene out here prior to the pandemic? I think that it’s actually growing because of the ability to connect virtually and all of that. I feel like people are just more driven to connect whether it’s through Zoom or Facetime. You could just do a quick meetup to see if it’s worth working together. It’s different than when shows are happening, but I do a lot of stuff on the writing side of the music scene out here, so I’ve been able to really connect with a lot of people – not only in Los Angeles but all over via Zoom. I’ve personally found that my network has expanded pretty quickly throughout this strange time.

What has it been like to write and release new music for American Teeth in the middle of a pandemic and all this social unrest in the world? It’s definitely helped fuel my creativity and the creation process around that. As far as releasing, it’s been interesting because it’s really kind of this thing where you’re putting it out and you don’t get to go play it live like you usually would. Like you’re just putting it out there. I’m focusing more on getting the song out and really making sure that I’m creating visuals that match the story I’m trying to tell or the vibe that I want people to feel. And I’ve been getting into TikTok too which has been an interesting journey.

Let’s talk about your new song One Of These Days and what inspired the lyrics for you. That song is essentially about acceptance honestly. It’s about waking up and just feeling terrible right off the bat. A lot of times when I’m feeling down or I’m going through a bad day, I’ll try to deny that that’s happening, or try to convince myself “It’s fine. I’ll be fine…” and just push through. But I found recently with some trial and error that sometimes often when you just accept that you’re having a shitty day, and allow yourself to feel that, you can move past it quicker. It’s really kind of the meaning behind the whole thing – let go and accept that you’re having a shitty day – and by doing that, most of the time you’ll be able to move forward that way.

You have another song called Barred Out that you did with Twin XL – Cameron Walker who used to be in Weatherstar and The Ready Set. How did that collaboration come about, and tell me a little about that song? Yeah, that was a fun one! That one came out of a co-writing session that we had with Cameron. I brought him in with the intention of doing some stuff for American Teeth. And while we were writing, he was singing the pre-chorus part that he’s featured on. Colin and I heard him singing on it and he just killed that performance of it! I got up on the mic and sang the same thing, and it just didn’t feel the same. There was something about his take that felt really natural and perfect for it. And we told him if you want to be on this track, it would be a great way to cross our worlds. And he was down and that’s how it all kind of came together. It was pretty natural.

You also did something with the band Dreamers called Still Not Dead. Tell me how that came about. That was actually another situation where there was another co-writing situation with Nick from Dreamers and I and Colin. That day the intent was to do a Dreamers song, so I wasn’t intending on being on the song. But it was the day a little over a year ago that Kobe Bryant passed away – and Nick had just gotten back from a trip from his hometown in Seattle – unfortunately one of his childhood friends had committed suicide, so he was coming back from that funeral. It was really a dark day for everybody in general. I’ve had plenty of loss and death in my life, including my dad when I was like 12 – and a lot of family members over the years. So, we just kind of decided that we were going to write a song about how we were feeling in that moment. It was kind of like glaringly obvious that that’s what we needed to get out. So, we kind of each told our story about our experiences with death and loss – and wanted to put a bit of a spin on it that was hopeful in a way – like a celebration of life amongst all of the loss.

Your producer Colin Brittain – he’s worked with bands such as All Time Low, Papa Roach, 5 Seconds Of Summer – the list is crazy! What is it like working with him? It’s really fun – we have a good thing. He’s so incredible. His track record shows how talented he is. I think that when you bring both of our talents together, we have something that I feel is really unique – and we just have so much fun creating together.

Providing live shows actually start to happen, what are you looking forward to the most about your appearance at Aftershock later in the year? It looks like you’re playing the same day as My Chemical Romance… Yeah, it’s crazy man! It’s a dream honestly. I think about Aftershock frequently, and I can’t wait. Performing is my all-time favorite piece of music, and being an artist I just can’t wait to jump around on a festival stage. It’s going to be so amazing!

If you could open for any band either now or from the past, who would it be and why? I would say that number one would be The 1975. I’m a really big fan of that band, and I think the band has really developed this awesome fan base that I would really love to perform for. My Chemical Romance is one of them, but I happen to be technically opening the stage for them, so that’s going to be Step 1. Step 2 would definitely be being a direct opener on a My Chemical Romance tour. That would be just completely insane. I’m a big fan of Gerard Way and his artistry and his creativity – and I just think that would be so cool!

If the music of American Teeth was a donut, what kind would it be and why? Oh, that’s a good question because I love donuts. This isn’t my favorite donut, but I think this represents us the best – a rainbow sprinkle chocolate donut. The sprinkles for me represent the many colors – the many dimensions of the sound that American Teeth has. And maybe it has a soft cream filling because the music a lot of times has a hard outer shell, but there’s a softness and warmth in the middle.

What do you hope the rest of 2021 brings for American Teeth? A lot more live shows – I want to manifest that now. More live opportunities and the ability to connect with real people in person – and to meet new people that way. An album is happening this year, and that’s exciting. And I’m also experimenting with some visual stuff with creating little, short films and things around the music – so definitely more of that as well.

(Interview by Ken Morton)

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