#ITS STRESSFUL. Its stressful. I hate trying to make this stupid 'perfect' image of myself to get a job

[familyofpaladins]

Why are certain tasks impossible to even try to do sometimes?

Like I know I need to do a thing, but when I try to work on it or even think about it, my brain turns to static.

[s-fellows-art]

Simplified tips on how to improve your art.

.putting under cut because its long but thats cause i explain these and not just list stuff. 

1)  Flip/mirror  your canvas when working. - it allows you see anatomy and other errors you may overlook. 

2) before uploading look at the image on a different screen or the next day. - this give you time away from it, and as tempting as it is to upload as soon as your done, if you wait  you will see stuff you can improve on and be able to look at it with “ fresh” eyes. 

3) Stop shading with black or grey scale colors- shading with inly these colors make the imAge look muddy, if you shade with a color that is a darker hue of the same color your adding shading to it one in the same tempters ( warm= R Y O cool = B G I V  on the Rainbow ) you get more vibrant art and you don’t muddy what your working on. 

4) Learn to grey scale BEFORE coloring as a draft p2- learning how to shade in black and white can help you identify lighting points and details. When digital painting simplifying something out to a grey scale can help you keep track of what your doing. 

5) Use the tools you have access too- References to learn anatomy , taking time to learn amniotomy will help you a lot in the long term, but doing everything off the top of your head your bond to get something wrong early on, or even later on in art.  Use the sharpen tool around highlights if your program offers it. It saves time. Also play with your filters and line art colors. These will ad detail to your work and takes less time. If you mess around with the brushes in your program and stuff before starting it will help you later on. Its not cheating professionals use it all the time. 

6) practice drawing random stuff- it teaches you the shapes and trains your hand ti make the strokes/motions needed for basically everything. Art studies can be very helpful. Even if it feels stupid drawing 500 eyes on a note pad, it helps. 

7) Simple is good, complex is chaos- over complex art is hard to look at because your not sure what to focus on so the areas you want the eye to go to is where you should focus your details rather then make every single little thing detailed. Another way to do this is to brighten the colors where you want the eye to go at first glance in an image, but make the other areas muted in color, or blurred slightly.  

8) Don’t be afraid to look up tutorials and take breaks if you get stuck - I personally only learned how to shade faces from watching makeup tutorials. And there is nothing shameful in not knowing how to do something and needing to look it up or ask, its how you learn you can just power you way through it all the time, and somethings your wasting your time if you do for something not worth it in the end run. Also the act if stepping back and away to go do something else is sometimes all you need, sometimes looking at the same file over and over again can be mentally exhausting. Take a break. Drink some water. Stretch your wrists. Look away from it for a while then come back. 

9) Stretch your wrists before working- save your self years if pain trust me. I regret not doing this. Also draw from your shoulder not your wrist unless detailing, less stress on your arm and more precision. 

10) Use different line thicknesses - i find using thicker lines for areas that touch the outer parts of your drawing or more important areas, and using thinner for detailing adds a bit of detail and quality to your work even if the line art isn’t clean. Inner face  parts (other then the top bracket of the eyes), lines between fingers, lines marking clothing folds, and things like that should be done in thinner lines then eyebrows and what not. 

Next two some will role your eyes at but honestly makes a huge difference, even if you got to force it at first. Its hard to break a bad habit.

11) don’t look for flaws in your work, look for what you like about it,- if your constantly pointing out what is wring with what you are doing your not gonna go any where, bare minimum go “ okay im not too happy about this, lets see how we can improve it” instead if “ this looks like garbage I hate it”. If you stay in the mentality of I don’t like this , your never gonna be happy with what your making or improve because subconsciously your telling you self you can’t. This slight change in mind set of trying to find at least one thing you like will make a big difference in the long run because slowly you will be moving towards finding a style your comfortable with and going from there, you will be finding things you

12) don’t compare you self to other artist- its one thing to want to take influence in your fave artist, its another to constantly out yourself down because your not like them. Everyone art started as shit. Everyone. We all were that crappy 1 year old can barely hold a pen person at one point. like learning how to read and write or ride a bike....  No one starts as a perfect artists, its something you learn, so comparing your self to people around you is not gonna help you improve and putting yourself down just because your not perfect yet. Even if its something as little as “im happy I finally finished this” is better then “I wish i was like _”. You are slowly moving towards a goal, some people just move quicker then others because they learn different techniques, instead if putting energy into hating everything you do why not try to learn how the people you like the art of got there by learning some techniques your self? 

13) Ignore the notes enjoy the journey-  Regardless , you making art is amazing in itself . Its something only you have made. There may be other things like it but its not like how you did. Your unique and honestly ignore the notes, if your constantly pushing yourself based off of numbers, your gonna burn your self out and give your self impossible expectations to try to complete. Everyone has different tasted and are not always gonna like what you do the same way, if at all, there is nothing wrong with what you made you simply just can’ please everyone and its not your job to. The notes are a bonus, not a goal, you don’t have to try to compete for them the only person you have to create for for is you. Do what ever the hell you want and if people like it, great, if they don’, then they like a different cup of tea then yours, don’s make it bad tea.  Edit 1 as i thought of more : also the reason your sketch looks better then your line art is because your line art is too neet. If you use difrent thicknesses in lines (thicker for outter areas and important areas) and thinner for areas with more movment (bottom crese of eyes or outline of area around puple inner part of mouth clothing inner parts or what ever u feelis needed) it will look better because it will show your brush strokes which is what makes your sketch look good. -You can also add a 3d effect woth the red and blue outlines on areas that are not the central focus of the peice. Blurring has the same sort of effect to where it forces the eye onto the clearer area if the photo and makes it more visually intresting. Having this effect everywhere however can make stuff hard to focus on and diffcult to look at so only keep it on non focus points (most common focus point is the face so wouldnt put it there) .

Idk how helpful these will be but they made a big diff in my progress over the past year. The last bunch made a significant difference for me, though it was really hard to force myself into that mentality. And i still skip doing some of these in occasion ill admit but i hope this helps none the less. 

[slightlymore]

Pride | Part 7

Pairing: Doyoung, Y/N, new character, Johnny cameo Genre: Series | Smut | Angst | Crack | Fluff Warnings: as usual, language, little hand cut, same issues around mental health and unhealthy coping mechanisms, angsty, smutty scenario Words: 5.8K

Just one part to go peeps, Part 8 is going to be the last whoop whoop (I can create conflict and drama every chapter but after a while it’s kinda boring, so let’s end it soon lmao) 

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 |  Part 8 THE END

The rain was pouring heavily on the roof as if a thousand fingers were tapping on it. You could see it slide down the little cabin’s windows, dragging down tree branches, frightening and beautiful at the same time. It was a cold night but you were feeling so cozy, skin bathed in the yellow hue of the fireplace. 

It was loud and scary outside, but you couldn't hear it. Not really. Your mind was foggy and occupied with so many things. It was difficult to express what those things were. But you knew what they formed altogether. Pleasure. 

Intense, breathtaking pleasure, traveling from the tip of your curled toes, up to your knees, bringing lust and passion all the way to your head, as a slow caress. 

The culprit was Doyoung. Or better, Doyoung’s tongue, while he was holding your thighs so tightly that you were seeing the bruises underneath his fingers. You wanted to see his eyes as well, you wanted to bath in that darkness full of desire, but they were closed. His eyebrows were furrowed as if concentrating and you ruffled the hair on his forehead, to drink in his every expression. When he let go of your clit, a little string of saliva connecting it to his tongue, you whined and arched your back, showing him everything that you wanted. His eyes pierced finally through yours and he smiled. Then those lips, still curved up teasingly, kissed your stomach, painfully slow, rising in a single line, going between your breasts, on your collar bones, on your neck and chin. He brought his hand up to cup your cheeks and rubbed your lower lip with his thumb. You opened your mouth, ready to fall into him, but a little sparkle at the corner of your eye got your attention elsewhere. Looking at his hand you felt your head a little less foggy. You blinked as if hallucinating. Was that a ring? He had no rings, you were sure about it. Why was a ring adorning his finger, but also, why was that fact making you feel so confused and uneasy? "Where did you get that from?", you asked grabbing his hand and analyzing the piece of jewelry. Doyoung looked at the ring first, then at your face with a chuckle. "What are you talking about?", he asked as well. "This is a wedding ring", you explained. Doyoung grinned. "Yes, I can't believe this either, my love". An unpleasant shiver caressed your spine and you already knew before looking. You could feel it. It was cold and secure around your finger as well. Near the other one, with a big stone on it. Your engagement and marriage rings. You gasped as if falling underwater. The corners of your vision started to get dark as blurry stains made it difficult to see. No, no, no, no. You swallowed. The air from your lungs disappeared and even if you tried hard to breathe, nothing came in as your focus shifted. Doyoung wasn’t on top of you anymore. You looked at him and his fiancé from above, the way her hand caressed his back, listening to their whispers and you found yourself panting. Again. No, please, no, stop. Let me alone. Please. I don’t want this. I don’t want it. Your legs kicked the covers and you sat up, hands restless, chin trembling and communicating that you were about to cry. Again. From a stupid dream haunting your nights. _____

You were the first thought that would wake Doyoung up in the morning. The last desire that lulled him to sleep at night. And in that split uncountable moment between consciousness and unconsciousness, he let himself flow. He promised to do it only in those circumstances when his rational side couldn't hold him in his grip. Even if lately he felt himself slowly slipping its hold every second more. Dreaming is only causing you pain, the Rational side would say. Not doing it is going to cause pain anyways, Doyoung would reply. Yes, but the first type of pain is going to end soon, it insisted. How do you know that? Doyoung would ask. I just know, it would get irritated. What if I don't care? Doyoung would inquire again. The Rational side wouldn’t reply as if tired to argue yet again.   What if I don't care about anything? Legit nothing in life matters. What if I just do whatever the fuck I want? Future me doesn't exist, does it? Only I do, right now. And right now I just want to fucking dream, alright? The Rational side was judging silently while Doyoung would get worked up by himself, in a pathetic fight. Let me, please, please, just let me dream for a second more. I beg of you. Okay? I beg. Just one second. Then I’ll stop. I promise. Just this time. Please. Please. Please. Doyoung would mumble to himself until finally forced to open his eyes and stare soullessly at the first rays of sun entering his room. Breathless. Ashamed. Defeated. Time’s up. No more dreaming, the Rational side’s little voice would wake up as well. ________ Jealousy was something you didn't want to think about. When Johnny was seeing other people, it felt like a sting in the heart, a little oh forming on your lips. You've made an effort to not let it be a selfish sentiment. I'm not a jealous person, you would say with a proud smile. But the truth was that you were. And after waking up, drenched in your own sweat after being so sure that your dreams were a reality before they could become nightmares, and even worse, fantasy, your chest would boil in pain. In pain and rage. You were so angry. You were so jealous. It was no more a sting, or a little oh, it was a hit in the stomach and a soundless scream. You would walk around to class, taking your exams, eating, talking, and laughing with your friends, but never alone, always with this ugly feeling on your shoulders. You felt jealous, possessive, selfish, hateful. You would alternate thoughts of I have to stop, I can’t change it, I can't be a bad person, with I'm a bad person, so what, I am like that, I feel that, that’s me, until feeling like you were driving yourself into madness. When you shook your rector’s hand, while the other was holding your degree, a few months had already passed after seeing Doyoung’s face for the last time. It felt like decades and a few days at the same time. “This is a new beginning, huh?”, Johnny’s face light up in a bright smile. You looked up at him and a soft fuzzy feeling flooded your chest. If Doyoung’s experience was helpful in some ways, one of it was the fact that you finally sorted out your feelings for your best friend. And he did as well, you could see it in the way his eyes looked free and calm, in the way his voice called your name, in the way he felt sorry for you after you told him everything that happened with Doyoung. It took you both some time, but you did it, and you started to breathe more easily after you saw Johnny’s understanding eyes instead of his previous jealous ones. He also realized that your romantic relationship wasn’t a healthy one and he felt better about himself for a long while giving the fault of your fights to Doyoung, when in reality, deep down, he knew you would have behaved like that towards each other anyways. Smiling back at him, you both linked arms and walked away to where your seats were. “I have good news”, you interrupted the silence, whispering to his ear after you sat down. “You know that company you said were hiring?”, you asked, building tension but unable to hide your smile. Johnny looked down at you with wide eyes. A few days before graduation, Johnny came up to you with the most euphoric expression. “Y/N, please apply to this job”, he slammed a piece of printed paper on your desk. You looked at it, confused, then up at him. “Why?”, you asked. Johnny breathed in as if preparing for the longest monologue of his life. “You must”, he just said though. He was so on the edge, sprinkling happiness like a child, that you found yourself chuckling. “Why don’t you apply to it? We’re graduating the same day. You also need a job”, you commented. Johnny crossed his arms on his chest. “You know I want to take a year off and travel the world. I won’t sit my ass in an office chair from 9 till 5, thank you very much. But you,” he shoved his finger into your face, “you love that kind of job, and this,” he slammed the paper again making you jolt, “it’s the perfect opportunity for you. Trust me. You’ll see. You’ll thank me”, he finished. You laughed and shrugged putting the paper inside your books. “Wait, they accepted you?”, now Johnny asked loudly, several heads in the graduation hall turning to hush you. You waved your hand in front of him as to indicate to keep his voice down. But then you nodded while a little smile forming on your lips. “Fuck!”, Johnny exclaimed. “I am- fuck!”, he just cursed again and hug you tightly. _______ Doyoung never realized it before how you were the reason for his every gesture. Not until you weren't there to hold him up anymore. He wasn't as melodramatic as to say that what he did now was pointless, but it had no real meaning either. Like it didn't have before meeting you. He was getting overwhelmed by everything now, he had no patience, every sound and image and person were unbearable. His thoughts were out of control. “You’re under great stress right now, Doyoung”. Doyoung sighed. Yeah, I know, old man. "It's just", he finally spoke slowly, staring out of that window yet again, "I'm always waiting for something", he added, trying hard to explain his thoughts. The therapist nodded. "It's always-", Doyoung paused again, recollecting himself, "-I always think like, it's going to be over soon, just a little bit. I’m assuring myself that this won’t last long, that it’s going to end. While my hands are itching and I can’t stay still. I am waiting and waiting and looking around for something. But what am I waiting for? Death?", he chuckled bitterly. The man in front of him shook his head with a sigh. He put his notes down and rested his elbows on his knees, eyes piercing over the eyeglasses frames. "The answer is - life, Doyoung”. Doyoung jerked his head towards the man as if someone punched him in the face. “You're not waiting for things to be over. You're waiting for things to start". ________ Your limbs were shaking and your throat was completely closed off not letting you even to swallow, as you clasped your hands together, playing with your fingernails. You had to explain to the guards why you had no pass to enter the building yet, then to explain what were you doing there, then you had to wait for a young girl, the HR director’s secretary, to take you to her boss - a woman with a dry smile on her face. “You have arrived at the right moment”, the young secretary smiled at you kindly while taking you through the company corridors, giving you a short tour. The place wasn’t just big. It was humongous. You were in the marketing wing at that moment, with an open mouth, in shock while passing near the windows seeing how tall the building actually was, while the secretary was about to tell you at which desk you will be spending the next few years of your life. This, if they don’t fire you sooner. “Really? What does that mean?”, you asked politely, entering the office. A few people raised their eyes from the computer, most didn’t, some of them were discussing between themselves, some of them were yelling into their phones before slamming it on the desk. Great, you sighed. Looks inviting.  “Tonight there’s a company party. It’s going to be a great occasion to get to know your colleagues. When there are alcohol and music, they all loosen up a lot”, she winked at you as if telling a secret. You smiled back grateful for her being the first person you had the pleasure to meet and not some random rude one. Then you sat down after she introduced you to the department manager, who promptly left you alone talking about being very busy in the same second the secretary left as well.  The evening approached fast as you spent the whole day trying to understand how the phone line worked, how to use the computer efficiently, what your first tasks were. You had to learn most of those things alone as the people you had to shadow were “too busy to babysit someone right now”. You sighed. You kinda knew it was going to be like this so you weren’t that surprised. Getting into such a big company right after graduating university was a big deal and you weren’t about to whine but you still hoped that after that night you’d have at least one new friend. At least someone to talk to you and that would want to answer your questions.  It took you a lot of effort to go back to your new small apartment after the exhausting day, to shower, to try to find something appropriate to wear to a party, but a classy one, but still, a party, to put on makeup again, to do your hair, then to come back to the company building, all before 9 pm. When you got out of the taxi, you were already sweating, heels pierced by the high heels, spirit crushed and mind absolutely ready to go to bed already. You didn’t really like parties in the first place, even during your university days, but you still had the energy to dance at least until 4 am and get completely hammered when in the mood. It definitely wasn’t the case anymore. Entering the hall you stopped to breathe in and out and just awkwardly looked around. All types of people were standing in small groups, smiling fakely, and chatting about boring stuff, probably work. Your outfit wasn’t too off, thankfully and you felt lowkey grateful that no one gave you any attention. You were the type of person to want to socialize but at your terms and being shoved in the middle of a group full of strangers didn’t sound very appealing at that moment. For how intimidating, it was still a pretty gathering. The high windows were letting people admire the little city lights against the dark night. Some waiters were walking around with tall glasses of champagne and finger food. It was alright, you reassured yourself. You could do it. Come on. You closed your eyes as if gathering courage, still standing in the frame of the tall door, and opening them again after a moment you made the first step inside. A waiter walked right in front of you so you awkwardly grabbed a glass to look occupied while strolling the place alone. Your feet took you towards the windows. Sipping on a drink and looking at the night view? Great plan when you have no idea what to do to yourself. So, you picked up the pace, as if physically needing to get to those windows as soon as possible. But you probably shouldn’t have as you suddenly felt a cold liquid all over your chest followed by a deep swear. “I apologize. I didn’t see you coming-”, the man spoke but soon his voice flattered, becoming a tiny sound then nothingness. You blinked a few times looking down your dripping dress, then at the hand holding the glass that just got the champagne all over you, then up at the man’s face. Two fiery eyes were wide enough for you to see yourself in them. "What are you doing here?", Doyoung asked with a breathy voice. You had no idea what a heart attack felt like but somehow, in that exact moment, you thought that you probably were about to die. Yes, definitely. This feels like dying. Your muscles were like paralyzed and your fingers couldn’t keep the grip around your glass anymore, letting it fall, making you close your eyes when it shattered all over the floor. Angry heys surrounded you as some fragments probably went flying to their faces but they sounded so far away. You weren’t able to understand anything that was happening so you just looked at the man in front of you moving in slow-motion. "I got this", his lips formed to someone, probably a waiter, while he knel. You imitated him, crouching down like an automaton, your limbs moving without your brain telling them what to do. Doyoung carefully gathered all the biggest pieces of glass and for some reason grabbed your hand afterward, calling you stupid all of a sudden.  "What?", you asked with a tiny voice, looking down. The party sounds started to return slowly, infiltrating in your brain and shaking your nerves just like the sting on your finger. "It's alright", you said, putting it inside your mouth and sucking on it. "It's just a little cut". Doyoung didn't comment on that and you knew that you probably could have understood what he was thinking by looking at his eyes, but you were too much of a coward to look up. He was still holding your wrist and all your brain cells were concentrated on that spot, trying to memorize the way his cool skin felt on yours. God, you missed it, you missed it so much that you were about to let yourself fall in an agonizing cry. Then you realized what you were doing and felt like running away. You can’t. Don’t feel. No. Stop. "Come", he spoke suddenly leaving all the mess behind and you couldn’t do anything else but to let yourself be dragged like a lifeless puppet. You looked at his back as he was walking in front of you, then at his styled black hair, you listened to the sound his dress shoes made on the marbled floor, then he let your hand go entering a small room. "There should be something here…", he mumbled by himself, opening and closing all the cabinets in the bathroom. It was a pretty one, not like the public ones on your floor. It looked luxurious and almost intimate as if it was private. Doyoung was standing in front of the sink, eyebrows furrowed as if trying to see better. You were left in the frame of the door, holding your wrist, finger raised up, weight shifting from one foot to another. The déjà-vu was so strong to leave you breathless. You wondered if Doyoung remembered as well. Or if he cared at all. You couldn't stop yourself from letting your eyes fall to his hands, afraid, trying to see the ring. God, oh God. No, please, no.  You felt all your blood abandon your brain. You felt like falling. It was there, shiny, adorning his pretty hands. So he did it. He actually did it. So quickly? It felt like years but only months passed from the last time you saw him. How was that possible? Wasn’t that a dream? You couldn’t believe it was actually reality. His number has been on your phone screen multiple times a day for the past months, fingers hovering over it, to call or not to call, to text or not to text. Then his voice had bounced on the walls of your mind every time. Let me go. Let me go. If you’re not giving anything to me, just let me go. Then his last kiss had ghosted your lips as if he had just kissed you one minute before that, and you would have gently caressed the thin skin with your fingertips. Was it your fault? Should you have just called, just once? Would that have helped you, him, both of you? Or did you do the right choice? Not contacting him at all, leaving him, letting him go? God. After all of this time. Your breath was still going missing. "Here". he turned around and getting closer, he handed you the wet cotton. You stared at it as if not understanding what he was saying. Right. It’s not like he was about to hold your hand again, taking care of you, making the scenario intimate, medicating the cut for you. This was no Tumblr fanfiction. This was reality. You took it with a trembling hand and placed it on your finger. It burnt like hell but the pain somehow helped you feel better. "I'm sorry", Doyoung then said. You looked up. "For spilling my drink on you", he explained quickly. You nodded. "It's alright", you answered with a tiny voice. And just when you thought that he would go away and leave you there just the way he did months ago, he spoke again. "There's no Johnny to lend us clothes this time, huh?", he joked with an uneasy little smile.  His eyes were curved in a warm half moon and you thought you could drown in that sweetness. "Yeah", you managed to say after a moment of silence, a little smile intruding on your lips as well. He remembered. He was thinking about the same thing. Your knees were feeling even weaker than before. Then you both bounced on the silence wall between you. "Why are you here?", he finally spoke after a little while, finally about what you both were dying to talk about. His voice was cautious and polite while you put a bandaid on your cut. He looked like speaking to a scared kitty and you were feeling like one indeed. “What are you doing here?”, you asked but as the words left your mouth you already knew. That was his company. Of course. You felt so stupid. You closed your eyes. Dammit, Johnny Suh. Doyoung sighed silently, as if a little uncomfortable, noticing how you knew the answer to that already. You suddenly panicked, realizing how that looked like to his eyes.  “No! I am not here because of you!”, you spluttered out quickly, feeling your eyes widen. “I didn’t know this was your father’s company. I really just thought about it. I had no idea. I swear-”, but he interrupted you by placing his hands on your shoulders. “Hey, hey, Y/N”, he spoke softly, “it’s alright”. You shook your head. “But it’s true. I don’t want you to think that I am here…” you added but drifting off, unsure what words to use. Doyoung let his arms fall slowly. “It’s fine. I believe you”, he assured you. “There’s no need to explain yourself”. You sighed, still frustrated but didn’t add anything else, not wanting to embarrass yourself even further. “Are you alone?”, he looked behind you as if expecting to see someone. “N-no”, you shook your head. “I am- with a man”. The last word sounding way too high to be considered normal conversational pitch. Doyoung looked down at you again, not saying anything for a few instances. “Let me take you to him, then”, he simply said and walked out of the bathroom. “Doyoung!”, you called before realizing how much you’ve missed having his name roll on your tongue. “Please, don’t bother. It’s alright”, you added when reaching him. He stopped, waiting for you to catch up. “I insist”, he replied sternly. “This is the least I can do to make it up to you for destroying your dress”. You knew how stubborn he could get and if you weren’t feeling so many different things altogether, you would have rolled your eyes at him. You sighed and followed him. Entering the hall again, you gulped and lifted yourself on the tiptoes, staring around the room as if effectively looking for your man. “Uhm-”, you murmured unsurely. Doyoung crossed his arms on his chest and looked around as well. “Uh…”, you were about to get a panic attack. What should you do? Be honest? Yes, be honest then go outside and dig a fucking hole to bury yourself in, you fucking loser. What were you thinking? Why was it necessary to tell him that you were over him? Why was it necessary to invent a stupid ass story? “There!”, you exclaimed after a minute and just walked hurriedly towards a random guy, praying that he would play along. Please, please, please. Doyoung followed you and as you reached the man’s shoulders you just slid your arm underneath his. The man turned around, reasonably surprised, and just looked at your wide eyes, telling him to just shut up and do what you were about to tell him to do. “I’m sorry for being away for so long. What a bad date I am, right?”, then you opened your mouth in a sequence of loud “ha ha ha”, making the guy feel even more uncomfortable. He furrowed his eyebrows at your almost desperate expression, not missing the way you were tilting your head towards Doyoung, standing with hands in his pockets behind you. “Oh”, the guy finally said as if finally understating. Then his eyes light up amused and he tugged at your arm, making you come closer. “It’s alright, darling. I hope you’re fine?”, he put on a worried expression eyeing your bandaged finger and holding your hand to look at it closely.   You looked at him, surprised that he was able to catch up on that so effortlessly but pleased at the same time. Thank God. “It’s just a little cut. I dropped my glass”, you explained and inhaled sharply as the guy brought your hand to his lips and kissed your knuckles. It was so sudden that you definitely felt your heart flutter. “To make the boo-boo go away faster”, the guy explained as if obvious. Doyoung was still standing there like a big and dark shadow, so you turned around to face him when he cleared his throat. “Oh, Doyoung, hi, didn’t see you there”, the guy looked up as if suddenly aware of the other’s presence. “Yeah, sure. Then I’ll be going now. Take care”, Doyoung spoke directing the last phrases to you. “Wait, you guys know each other?”, you asked surprised, staring at one first then at the other. You were already preparing yourself for the embarrassing moment of having to introduce them to each other, not knowing what to say about Doyoung and not even knowing the guy’s name. The fact that you didn’t have to do that made the air feel slightly easier to breathe in but at the same time, a weird shiver of worry caressed your spine. The guy, indeed, pressed his hand on the small of your waist as a warning. You looked at him and saw the way he smiled, showing all of his teeth, speaking through them. “This is a company party, darling. We all work together. Did you forget?”, he asked with a tight smile. You swallowed nothing feeling your throat suddenly dry. “Oh yeah, haha, wow, I must be very tired”, you chuckled bringing one hand to your head as if suddenly exhausted. “Haha indeed”, the guy replied with a big smile but it was almost obvious that it was fake.  Doyoung looked at both of you, unamused as if watching a terrible play. You were about to say something else since the embarrassment was crawling on your skin, but you didn’t need to as Doyoung spared you of further awkwardness. “See you on Monday then, and please, for the love of God, help me finish that assignment, alright?”, he spoke. The guy put his hand on his hip with a daring face. “I’m too good to be your helper”, he smiled. You gasped. That guy was speaking like that to the CEO himself? Was he doing that to help you out? You tugged at his hand trying to tell him to stop, that there was no need for him to act like that. But Doyoung just sighed as if already used to that behavior and rolling his eyes he just walked away. You couldn’t help but look at his back and legs as they were drifting away every step more, as if praying for him to not go, not again. “What are you doing?”, you finally whispered concerned to the guy after taking your eyes off Doyoung. “Are you insane?” The guy looked at you as if you were the insane one between the two. And maybe he was right. “Aren’t you afraid he’s going to fire you?”, you asked again, explaining your shock. The guy furrowed his eyebrows at you as if not understanding, then he laughed. “Who? Doyoung?”, he laughed even harder. You looked at him confused. “He’s the CEO of this company. What are you laughing about?”, you were getting a little irritated. The guy swiped an imaginary tear out of his eye. “That loser wishes to be the CEO”, he commented. “What are you talking about?”. You felt your head hurting. He breathed in and out, suddenly bored, looking at you from head to toe, as if finally asking himself what the fuck do you want from him. “Who are you anyway?”, he asked. You puffed your cheeks. “Later! What do you mean he’s not the CEO?”, you asked urgently. “I mean”, he started, finally sliding his arm away from yours, “that he’s not the fucking CEO”, he finished. “We’re just co-workers. We work in the same department”. You unfocused your gaze as if thinking about what he has just said. The guy shook his head as if dealing with a weirdo and grabbed a glass of champagne from a passing waiter. “I just don’t understand”, you finally spoke again. The guy didn’t reply and just drank, but his face was screaming “because you’re fucking stupid”. Then you tugged at his arm, making him lean down towards you, closer to your face, and whispered to his ear. “He is the former CEO's son”, you shared the secret, wondering if Doyoung was working in a lower position to hide his origins. The guy listened with wide eyes then looked at you and gasped when you finished. “No. fucking. way”, he articulated theatrically.   “Hey”, he then stopped a random dude by slapping the back of his hand on his chest. “Did you know that Kim Doyoung from the IT department is - the CEO's son?”, he asked. You jolted and squeezed his arm as to stop him from talking. What the fuck was he doing? But the dude looked at him with no particular reaction besides pure confusion. “Yeah?”. The guy turned around to you with a fake surprised face. “Oh no! Did you hear that? Everyone knows!”, he exclaimed putting his hand on his cheek.  You stared at him for a few seconds, breathing in slowly, then you just hit his arm. The guy giggled at your reaction and sprinted one step away. “You’re a fucking asshole”, you accused him. “It’s just”, he laughed, “your face was priceless. You thought you were sharing a top-notch state secret. I can’t believe I’m having so much fun at a company party. I’m glad I came”, he said. You were shocked and angry. How dare this guy to mock you and laugh at you like that? You were already out of your own fucking mind because it was the first working day of your whole life, you’ve just met Doyoung after being sure to not see him again, you’ve discovered that he is indeed married after struggling with the most excruciating pain for months because of that, you acted in a full-on rom-com just now, and you still had to be the subject of this guy’s jokes? “Well, then why is he working such a low position as you when he can be the CEO?”, you tried to insult him, but the guy looked unbothered. “What is this? A Korean drama?”, he chuckled. “He can’t just climb the ladder with blood alone. He has to work his ass off just like everybody else. From the bottom”. You really had no idea what to do with all of the information roaming your head. What the fuck was that? Did he marry a random girl just to have a normal position in his own company? Did he sacrifice his life for something that anyone could have?  The guy looked at your expressionless face. “What’s up with this situation anyway? Was Doyoung bothering you before?”, he asked suddenly. You jerked your head towards him surprised. “What? No, why would he?”, you shook your head. “I mean, why wouldn’t he?”, the guy replied, staring you down with a little smirk. You rolled your eyes at his flirt.  “Well”, you crossed your arms on your chest, “maybe because he’s married?”, you said confidently and hoped he didn’t see the way your lower lip trembled while saying that. The guy choked on his drink. “He’s married?”, he asked shocked. “You didn’t know?”, you eyed him, secretly pleased that you were one step ahead of him but at the same time worried dead that you’ve just made a huge mistake by saying that. “He also has the ring”. The guy tilted his head to the side as if thinking. “That doesn’t look like a wedding ring to me”, he commented. “Not that I look at men’s hands or anything”, he added quickly, going back to sipping from his glass. “Well, he is married. Trust me. But don’t say that to anyone else”, you spoke, your eyes drifting to where Doyoung was talking to some people. Even from afar, you could see the way his lips curved in a fake smile. You sighed. You couldn’t believe he was there, in the same room, and you talked, and you saw his face again. God. You were feeling so much as so intensely that you were under the impression of not being able to feel anything at all. “Ohhh”, the guy suddenly exclaimed giving you a mild shock for how close and loud he was, “so, he’s your ex-boyfriend. And now you discover that he’s married!”, he added even louder with wide eyes as if finally understating everything. “God, I fucking love this party”, he chuckled to himself. You grabbed a drink as well, finishing it all in one go. “He’s not my ex-boyfriend”, you replied not giving him any other explanations. “And be quiet. Maybe he doesn’t want people to know”. The guy clicked his tongue as if not believing you but not wanting to be seen as rude by asking other questions. He sighed and you sighed as well, both looking at the way people were moving around, forming groups and changing them up, laughing, chatting, having a good time. You felt like they were on another planet, their energy so different from the one you had inside. It was inevitable. You knew it. It was about to come. You would end up crashing down in the taxi going home, or randomly as you were pouring down cereal for breakfast. You were feeling them crawling under your skin, the feelings, but at that moment, you decided to still bath in the bliss all of the shocking experiences gifted you. “Thank you, for, you know, before...”, you added vaguely after a few moments. “No problem. I was getting bored anyway”, he shrugged. “I’m Y/N, by the way”, you extended your hand. He took it. “Nice to meet you”, he smiled. “I’m Haechan”. 

[tiny-maus-boots]

If you can, I’d love a one shot about the redhead and her Cowgirl. Fluffy, smutty, doesn’t matter. Love those two! 🖤

Hope you like it, sorry I didn’t edit it. Of course it’s after 3 am and I haven’t slept in days so please ignore the wonky. 

Garters and Gunslingers - Bechloe

“Oh son of a turkey…” The shot went wide over her head but pinned down the way she was it was still too close for comfort. Beca tempted fate and peeked around the barrel, pulling back only just in time as another bullet came her way. “Sorry I called your mother a sow!” Another shot and she winced when it went right through the barrel just over her left shoulder. “Okay I’m NOT sorry I called her a sow you stupid cow fucking son of a bitch!” Beca shot off a few of her own rounds from around the barrel.

There were another couple of shots and then it got quiet. Beca looked for a way out of her current situation but she was well and truly stuck. There was no cover she could get to without taking a huge risk of being shot. It was her own fault really. She had gotten drunk before the sun had even risen, saddled her horse and rode to the furthest corner of the territory that she could get to before…

But she hadn’t gotten far. Not nearly far enough away before her horse went lame. She’d walked the rest of the way to a town she didn’t even know the name of and decided she was too thirsty to leave. And that’s where all her troubles started. Well. Not all. She wasn’t too drunk to realize she was running as fast as she could away from laughing blue eyes and a smile that had always made her weak. Beca tipped up the bottle she had forgotten she was holding in her free hand.

The whiskey slid down her throat in hot wash that normally made her cough and sputter but now just felt like a welcome pain. Beca rested the bottle on the ground and spun the cylinder on her revolver. There was one bullet left, and by her standards only one chance to try and get out of this. Beca raised the bottle again but a bullet shattered it in her hand. She looked at it mournfully then tossed the broken neck aside. “Well damn.”

“C’mon out you coward!”

“Hey! I am not a coward. Jesse…now he’s a coward. Can you believe that horse’s ass left me to die?? After all we had been through?”

There was silence for a moment and then a chuckle. “Shame. You seem like a real peach!” More masculine laughter rang out and Beca rolled her eyes. Ha fucking ha. “You’re outgunned three to one, so you might as well give it up.”

Another shot but she suspected it was only meant to punctuate the statement that she had run out of time. She bumped her head back against the wooden side of the barrel and took a deep breath. Beca closed her eyes against the bitter image of Cutter Beaufort on bended knee in front of Chloe, asking her so earnestly to be his wife. She was always running out of time. The days after he’d proposed had been a blur and she had thought she’d have more time….

But there had never been enough time for her to work through it. To learn to trust the way she had trusted Jesse with her heart. And now there wasn’t enough time for her to survive let alone speak all her close held secrets to the only person that ever really mattered. Beca gave the cylinder another spin to let the single round fall where it may. It didn’t really matter, her heart wasn’t in the fight, not anymore.

Beca rose up from behind her cover, screaming as she pulled the trigger. Her aim was oddly perfect and the first target in her sights went down hard. It was just muscle memory that made her swing her arm to the right to sight down her next target and pull the trigger. Her eyes widened in surprise when a man she wasn’t even aiming at fell to the ground dead. She looked at the gun in her hand and shook it as if that would somehow explain what had just happened. She had been momentarily distracted and the last man took aim and fired, the shot ricocheted off the ground at her feet and she danced back in fear. “Jesus Christ!”

A gunshot echoed out and the last man fell without her ever pulling the trigger. She blinked blearily at the gun in her hand then let it drop to the ground. It went off with a loud bang and she jumped. “If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times. Don’t take the Lord’s name in vain.” Beca whirled to face the low drawling voice and sighed.

“Oh hell…”

It was a second before Aubrey’s heavy hand slapped the crap out of her. Beca stumbled back and fell to the ground under the stinging blow. She raised a shaking hand to her cheek as Aubrey stared down at her with cold green eyed fury. “That was for making me leave my best friend on her wedding day. Now get up.”

“Are you going to hit me again?”

“GET. UP.”

Beca scrambled up but took a cautious step back to keep out Aubrey’s reach. “Ow.” Aubrey gave her a sharp look and she realized that she was toeing a very thin line. Beca worked her jaw, the sting in face made her wince but she didn’t dare complain again. “What are you doing here, Bree?”

“That is the very question I am asking myself right now.” Aubrey glanced around at the people starting to peer out of windows and doorways now that the commotion was largely over and sighed. “We need to go. Before this becomes a bigger problem than you running your mouth faster than you can pull a gun. Again.”

She hated it when Aubrey was right but Beca nodded and followed along because she didn’t think she had any other choice. The blonde whistled shrilly for Rowdy and mounted him easily when he trotted up to them. The blonde looked down at her expectantly and Beca kicked a small stone with her foot, unable to meet the hard stare.

“I can’t Bree… I can’t see her marry someone else.”

“Then tell her how you feel Beca. Because she’s set to marry Cutter because he’s not afraid to tell her what she means to him.” Beca’s shoulders hunched at that, feeling Bree’s words like a sucker punch to the gut. It was hard to hear the truth of things and she balked at the idea of what Aubrey was suggesting she do.

“Yeah well by the time I get there it’ll be too late. And what if she lea…oh Jesus! Put that away will ya!”

Beca had looked up just as Aubrey had drawn her gun and pulled back the hammer. She had no doubt that the blonde would pull the trigger and shoot her where she stood.  “Gimme a reason, Bec. I swear by the Almighty I will put you out of all our misery right here and right now.” Beca took a deep breath and Aubrey’s eye twitched as if she were itching to do exactly what she said. “I get that you’re afraid. You been hurt bad, hurt in a way that ain’t easy to fix. But if you think for one second that Chloe would betray you…”

“I don’t.” And she didn’t. She knew it in her soul that Chloe would rather take a bullet than hurt her in any way. “What if….what if it’s too late?”

“Ride fast.” Aubrey gave her gun a twirl and slid it back into her holster. She kicked her heels into Rowdy’s flank, launching into a strong gallop. Beca raised her hands and let them drop to her sides.

“My horse is lame!”

“You a thief or not?”

Oh. Right. Beca gave a frustrated huff and ran to the nearest saddled horse tied to a hitch post. Someone came out from the general store but she didn’t dare wait for them to demand their horse back. Beca tightened her legs around the horse’s middle after a swift kick to get the mare going. She leaned forward behind the horse’s head as she struggled to catch up to her friend.

They rode hard for hours, long enough for the sun to make its slow decline toward the horizon and she knew that they were cutting it mighty close. The church loomed up before them, the doors already closed. Beca skidded to a stop and slid off the back of her mount, pushing its shoulder to nudge it out of the way. She almost hesitated but the too casual way Aubrey stroked the handle of her gun led her to believe that it was in her best interest to stay the course.

“Now or never Beca. Choose.”

Beca gave a nod and ran up the three steps to the door. The whitewashed wood was rough under her hands when she pushed in the doors and stumbled into the small church. “Wait!” Everyone turned in their seats to watch her as she panted more from the stress of the situation than exertion.

Cutter sighed heavily from the pulpit and held on to Chloe’s hands tighter. He wasn’t the bad sort and for any other person she’d be thrilled that they’d managed to find a good man that was handsome and rich. But this was Chloe and no one would ever be quite good enough, not even Beca herself.

“Beca Mitchell…of course. I almost thought you’d bow out gracefully.” Cutter’s voice was deep and clear and the disappointment was heavy in his words.

“Well thank God for tiny miracles.” Beca looked over her shoulder at the tall figure leaning against the back wall of the church. Stacie tipped her head up just enough to grace Beca with a smirk as if she had always known Beca would make an appearance. “What happened to your face?”

Beca brought her hand up to touch her tender cheek and realized she must have a hell of a mark. “The hand of God.”

Stacie chuckled and glanced over at Aubrey who had slipped into the church behind Beca. “And what a skilled hand it is.” The look in her eyes was so much more than the salacious words coming out of her mouth. It filled Beca’s heart with warmth and a longing to feel that kind of love without wondering when it was going to be stolen from her.

“You’re sweatin’ like a hoor.”

Stacie broke her gaze from Aubrey and chuckled with a shrug. “Well I am in a church, might catch fire any second now so you best hurry and state your piece.”

Beca nodded and started up the aisle that seemed to be getting longer with each step. Chloe had yet to look at her and she knew that there was a chance that it was already too late. She was to the foot of the pulpit before Chloe raised her head and met her gaze. She looked beautiful and for just a second Beca had forgotten how to breathe. “Chlo…”

“Becs….”

“Cutter.” They both turned to him and he gave a soft unhappy chuckle. “Don’t suppose you’re here to give your blessing.”

“No…no I’m not. I’m sorry Cutter, I am. But I love her. I have always loved her.” There was a quiet sniff from Chloe and Beca swallowed hard. “Even if it’s too late…I have to be honest. I’m not as good with my words as I am with my knives but, I love you Chloe. I think maybe I always have. Even when I was with him…it was you. It’s was always you in my heart. I can’t see nothin’ but you and I know Cutter can give you things I can’t. Money, safety…a family.”

As much as she hated the idea of Cutter and Chloe getting married, she hated what she was doing to him just as much. He didn’t deserve it and the more she spoke the more she realized what she was asking of Chloe.

“The only thing I got is all my love. But my whole heart is yours if you want it. An’ I’m sorry I never said it before, sorry I waited until you were at the altar before I found my words. And I’m sorry to you Cutter because it’s not fair and…if I were in your shoes I’d have shot me the second I ran through the door.”

“The thought may have crossed my mind.” The rows of town folk behind her chuckled in nervous amusement. “Truth of it is, I don’t rightly blame you. Much. Chloe, darlin’, you’re awful quiet. You can put your guns down and live the life of a well-cared for wife. Or…”

It seemed the whole church was holding their breath waiting. Beca risked a glance at Chloe. “Or a life of fighting, but I swear it’ll never be boring.”

A tear tracked down Chloe’s cheek and she wiped at it absently. “I’m sorry Cutter. You’re everything a girl dreams of but…”

“But?”

“She’s the only one I ever dream about.”

Cutter let out a deeply disappointed sign and kissed her cheek before placing her hand in Beca’s. He held their hands a second and levelled a meaningful look at Beca. “Don’t you break her heart Mitchell, or I will hunt you down and put you in the ground.”

“No sir, I won’t.”

He gave a short nod and gestured to the door. “Well g’wan then. Git. Before I change my mind.”

Beca wasn’t going to give him the chance for that, her grip on Chloe’s hand tightening as she tugged them toward the doors at a good sprint. For once she had been right on time. “Beca…what happened to your face?” Beca laughed as they burst out the doors to her new horse waiting so patiently.

“Let’s just say Aubrey gave me a heavy helping hand.” Chloe gave a musical laugh and Beca’s heart swelled. They had plenty of time now that they were together.

[aiamozai]

something has happened, and i wanted to share it with you guys because it may affect this blog in the distant future. also, i need answers. [TRIGGER WARNING: eating disorders, self-harm, suicidal ideation]

so something happened. something big, and good, and important.

let me give you a bit of background information, because i’ve never really let anyone know about all of this (at once--only bits and pieces, never the most important parts and never altogether), and i just want it out in the open. because now is the first time i can say with full honesty that i’m almost 100% better.

i was... traumatized, as a child. i’d prefer not to go much further into it, because it’s very complicated and i technically hold a biased opinion about it because of my experience. anyway, some police reports were filed against my dad when i was in 8th grade, but nothing ever happened, because it was my word against his.... blah blah blah. My therapist told me I had PTSD, among other things. I was scared of men, and I was numb. so numb. 

anyway, that happened about 3 years ago, and i was different since my mom and i moved out and rented our first place across our small town (the first of many we rented. we just moved into a real house--not a rental, but one that we own--about a month ago with my mom’s wonderful fiance, making this the 6th and final time i’ve moved since 8th grade). i had meltdowns at first, and then i overate, and then i self-harmed, and then it got worse.

my therapist called what happened afterward overcontrolled behavior. i called it having an eating disorder and social anxiety, as well as a dependence on prescription pills i shouldn’t have been prescribed in the first place. i was a wreck from the start. we moved back in with my dad around christmas time, and i got worse. the longest i’ve ever gone without eating was 4 days at the time. i bragged about it. it was my biggest achievement, and i was so proud of myself for it. i wanted to go longer. i wanted to hit 7, then 8--maybe even 10. in 9th grade, it all really hit me, and i lost about 30 pounds in 2 months (give or take), and i stopped being proud of the amount of time i starved for, because it was never long enough. I starved for as long as i could get away with, because everything needed to be perfect, and i needed to be perfect, and i felt like if i put one piece of food in my mouth i suddenly meant nothing. and then no one would care about me, and no one would ask how i was doing.

then 10th grade. a new school, way too rigorous, but i loved it. i loved having panic attacks over grades, i loved losing sleep for that one a-grade on the math test. i loved the rush i got from the starvation and the caffeine and the pure STRESS of everything being put on me at once. five projects in a week, two in-class essays in a day, tests and tests and projects and projects--piling and piling and piling on top of me until i was suffocating. i loved it. i derived a sick pleasure from it. 

and you wanna know why?

i hated myself. so much. i wanted to be in pain. every type of pain. physical, mental, emotional. i ruined relationships just so i could get what i deserved, and it was all so selfish of me, but i thought i was being selfless. i thought i was repenting. i thought i was doing god’s fucking work.

and why am i telling you this?

because i’ve never been able to look back at all these things and think to myself, “i was a fucking dumbass”. not until now. these things i did used to make so much sense to me, and the rationale behind my habits and behaviors held a certain simplicity and ease that i found comfort in. i did this, because i deserved it. i broke off that relationship to save them from me

 and now, for some odd reason, they don’t make sense at all. and i don’t know what happened, but i’m afraid i’ll shift back to whatever twisted mindset that was when school starts again in a month.

because everything that happened with my dad changed me. it made me truly hate myself with every fibre of my being. i did so many self-destructive things, and i didn’t ever want to change and get better. i went to so many therapists, and i never listened to them. i just went because i had no one else to care about me. i convinced myself that everyone else was stupid (even my therapists, can you believe that?)) and that i was the only sane one who knew what was good for me. i was numb. i haven’t cried in 2 years. i felt nothing. but now, all of the sudden, i feel everything. and so many positive emotions have been rediscovered. 

i thought i’d never be the same, after the thing with my dad. and i was okay with that. but i’m starting to think i’ve shifted back to the person i used to be, before everything. and i need answers. i want to know that this is real, and not some sort of weird hormone thing, because i don’t wanna go back. if anyone has any knowledge about psychology and wants to message me for more details--if you think you can try and rationalize all of this wonderful bullshit--please reach out to me.

anyway, as far as the blog goes, i made this when i was very unstable. i still love the concept of ghostcore--i mean, come on, it’s my brainchild--, but i may change it up a bit, expand on my collections and cool it with the moodboards. this blog has actually stressed me out a bit and its a reminder of everything i was before (since the idea of ghostcore is, for me, a visual model of my inner demons and mental problems), so i’m just trying to change the image of this blog a bit, find a different approach for me personally (i am in no way speaking for crow when i say that).

my therapist talked to me the other day. she said i seemed different. better. she even said she felt comfortable spacing our sessions apart by three weeks. just last year, we had two sessions a week because i was having passive suicidal thoughts and ideation. just thinking how far i’ve come is amazing. i used to think about any progress i’d made and automatically have the urge to sink back down to square 1. because i constantly strove to get worse, to see how far i could go. and yet here i am. just basking in my life’s glory. 

anyway yeah i need answers. thank you guys, sorry for the rant --francis 

[blinder-secrets]

Cheat - John

prompts: “I might have had a few shots.” & “If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were trying to seduce me.” with john.

A vision of beauty; of joy and stupidity and liquored recklessness: your best friend, with a grin and a small glass of potent drink extended in your direction. She was relentless, no wasn’t a word she understood. ‘Fine.’ You laughed, accepting the shot. ‘But, this is the last one.’ 

She nodded, already mildly distracted by the man beside her, ‘Sure, (y/n).’ She looked from him to you with a smile, her eyes asking a silent question which you answered with a quick wave of your hand. Yes, you can go suck him off in the back room. And yes, I’ll be right here when you get back. It was routine now: you’d get drunker and drunker, while she’d hunted for someone to fill her appetite, and really? It suited you just fine. 

You knocked back the shot with ease, your throat too used to alcohol to complain, and pushed the empty glass away from you. The bar you were in was a regular jaunt, one you were comfortable enough in to sit happily by yourself, unbothered by those around. Granted, you had your own spot, a dusty booth in the corner of the room, but still. Being by yourself in a place stuffed with drunken men was never an easy situation to handle. 

You leant back in your seat, allowing the newest burst of alcohol to warm your system. It flushed your already-hot cheeks and numbed your ghostly fingers, taking you away from the racket to a warm, tingling place. ‘Mmm,’ you hummed. Perfection. Just the right level of smashed. A chuckle bubbled in your chest acting as proof that you were still your own favourite comedian. 

‘What you laughing at?’ A familiar voice, on the other side of the table. John.

You sighed and opened your eyes, which you didn’t remember closing, to take in the broad figure in front of you. An easy smile grew on your lips, matching the one that lined his. You were always glad to see John Shelby. ‘I’m laughing at how absolutely off my face I am,’ you stated, proudly. 

He laughed, jolting the beer he held and causing froth to fall from its rim. ‘How much’ve you had?’ he asked, before taking a drink, as if needing to catch up. 

It was the first time he’d seen you drunk, this drunk, and you couldn’t fault him for wanting to join in. 

‘I might have had a few shots.’

‘A few?’ Rightfully, he didn’t trust your vagueness. 

You nodded and patted the cushion beside you. ‘Sit down, big boy.’ 

‘Big boy?’ He slipped around the table, hips dipping back and forth to squeeze between the various chairs and tight spots, to reach the bench seat you sat on. It was a mesmerising dance of manoeuvrability, and your eyes had clung to each twist and turn his body had performed. For lack of anything else to look at, of course. 

‘That’s a new one,’ he said, sitting beside you and setting his pint on the table. 

‘I’m trying a few out,’ you slurred, watching him through half-closed eyes, ‘just wait ‘til you hear the rest of them.’

He sniggered, reaching for the cigarettes he kept in his left breast-pocket. You knew he kept them there; you’d seen him tuck them away often enough. ‘Can I get a preview?’

‘Nope.’ Truthfully, you didn’t have any to share, big boy had rolled from some unchartered part of your mind without warning. ‘Top secret. Want a light?’

‘Please.’ 

You bent at the waist, flopping like a rag-doll to reach your coat, which sat in a heap on the floor. The movement sent blood pounding into your skull, a crimson rebellion against your sudden activity. Good God. I’m blind. You blinked twice into the dark under the table, waiting for the shifting blobs to clear from your vision.

‘You alright down there?’ John asked, his hand on your back briefly. 

You patted around in front of you. ‘Just looking for my-’ Nope. ‘Sorry!’ You pulled away, removing your grip from John’s leg and trying to ignore the chuckle that rumbled above you. He hadn’t even flinched, he’d just let your palm wrap around his shin without complaint and-

‘Here we go,’ you announced, distracting yourself with your own celebration. You rooted into your pocket, finding the small matchbox beneath your purse, before resurfacing. The stress of it all had left you short of breath. ‘There,’ you panted. 

He took it with a smirk. His fingers worked while his eyes stayed on you, his look as heavy as it was enticing. 

‘How’s my hair?’ you asked, attempting to push it down and back into place.

‘Fine, it’s fine.’

‘Good.’ Your hands fell still. ‘It’s my last match but you can use it, I wasn’t saving it or anything.’ The words were redundant; he’d already lit the match and raised it to the cigarette pinched between his lips. ‘I don’t smoke much now anyway,’ you continued, ‘I like having them just incase.’

He raised his brows, momentarily silenced by his task; the match was waved off and flicked to the ground, the cigarette smoke inhaled, then exhaled, then inhaled again. ‘You don’t half talk when you’ve had some,’ he said with the second exhale. 

‘I know. I don’t really know how to get myself not to, especially in such good company.’

He scoffed. ‘No-one’s ever called me good company before.’

‘No-one knows good company when they have it, then.’ 

You smiled at each other and a minute or two slipped away in the silence.

He offered you the empty matchbox. You took it, inspecting the small image on its front before discarding it to the table top, just another thing to replace.

‘Why’re you drinking on your own?’ he said, with slight amusement in the corner of his lips. 

‘I’m not on my own, my friend is somewhere...’ You trailed off, eyes scanning the room. Still at it then. ‘She’s fucking someone, she’ll be a while.’ When you looked back to him, his eyes were alight with humour. ‘What? Girls like to fuck too, John.’

‘I know.’ He was grinning. ‘I just didn’t expect you to say that.’

You fake-gasped, covering your mouth. ‘Oh forgive me! How could I?’ You moved to rest a hand against his bicep. ‘I hope you won’t think bad of me, now I’ve said a nasty word.’ Eyelashes fluttered, lips pouted - it was a fine show of obnoxious sarcasm. 

His head fell back as he laughed, the sound blocking out every other noise in the room. Your grip on his sleeve tightened slightly. 

‘You’re such a laugh, (y/n).’

The statement yanked you from your fun and you groaned, rolling your eyes as you said, ‘That’s what they all say.’ 

‘That’s a bad thing?’

‘Yes, it’s a bad thing,’ you stressed. ‘I don’t want guys to laugh at me, I wan’t them to fuck me.’

You didn’t have the capacity to be embarrassed, to shrink back at the way his brows shot to his hairline, as the drink had branded honesty your only option and you were more than happy to comply.

‘I’m tired of being the fun friend. I want to be the fuck friend.’

‘The fuck friend,’ he repeated. His lips pressed tightly together; he was trying to keep his laugh from bursting out.  

‘Yes!’ you barked, your eyes then falling to your hand, which still sat on his arm. You snapped it back, having gotten too comfortable with the gesture. ‘The fuck friend,’ you said. 

With a cocked brow, he leant back in the seat, his armed resting on the cushion behind you. ‘If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were trying to seduce me,’ he said, with a shit-eating grin. It didn’t take a scientist to see the hypocrisy of it; he was confident for no reason, as he always was, but your liquor-caked tongue couldn’t hold back.

‘That’s where you’re wrong, John Shelby,’ you started smugly, ‘because I haven’t forgotten about a little thing called marriage.’ 

He groaned and pulled his arm back, his previously open body now turning away from you.

He attempted a response twice before settling on, ‘You’re a right sour arse, you know that?’ Which only caused you to laugh. 

He shook his head, shuffled in his seat and reached forward to fiddle with the empty matchbox. You were right and he hated it. His fidgeting was only the surface of his discomfort. 

Still, it wasn’t enough to persuade you to drop the subject.

The smug smile still hung on your lips as you continued, ‘I’m not going to help you cheat on your wife, John. What type of woman would that make me?’

‘Leave it, yeah?’ His jaw was clenched tight enough to be a threat to his teeth.

You snorted a laugh. Typical. ‘You’re so moody.’

‘I have every right to be.’ He tore into the thin cardboard, shredding it into minuscule bits before letting them go - scattered across the uneven wood. ‘You think you know it all, when you don’t.’ 

‘What is there to know? Marriage is marriage. Off-limits is off-limits.’ 

You’d struck another nerve. The heat crept up his neck, reddening the skin by his collar, straining the vein above his brow. ‘A bit of paper and a wife I didn’t even ask for,’ he retorted, venom in each syllable. ‘Tell me how that’s fucking fair, (y/n).’

He’d faced you at last and you’d found yourself speechless. You’d never thought of it that way. 

‘It ain’t nothing but a peace treaty and a business deal,’ he spat. ‘So don’t come at me with all your fucking morals. Like you’re any better.’

‘I’m sorry,’ you said quietly. 

Now it was his turn to scoff. He looked away again, his body folded from you. ‘I was just having a fucking laugh.’

‘I’m drunk, John. I’m chatting out of my arse.’ You were desperate to make amends - more for his sake than your swiftly crashing mood. ‘I won’t say anything else about it.’

You’d already lost. You could see from just the profile of his face that the conversation was dead and buried. 

‘Walk me home?’ You bargained, ‘Before I get another drink?’

‘Drink all you like, (y/n), I don’t care.’ John stood, knocking the table with his thighs and sending the empty glasses skidding toward the edge. ‘I’ll see you another time.’ 

You barely had chance to argue it, or say goodbye, before he’d left. And you had even less time to process that you were staggering after him, ricocheting from person to person as you made your way to the door. Whether it was guilt, or the alcohol in your system, that pushed you to catch up - you didn’t know. But at that moment, it was all you could think about. 

Outside, you called after him, watching as he attempted to lose you in the near-distance. He was close enough to hear you; you saw his head unconsciously react to the sound of his name.

Your deadweight feet scuffed against the road surface. ‘John, I swear to God, if you make me run...’

He spun and paced back to meet you in the middle of your wavering path. ‘Keep your voice down,’ he ordered, his face shadowy with the low-light of the evening. 

You panted in his face, hand instinctively reaching to rest on his shoulder. ‘Sorry,’ you said, before swallowing. ‘Don’t storm off like that.’

‘I don’t fancy keeping your company anymore.’

That one stung. You couldn’t help but recoil. 

He sighed, his head rolling with the sound. ‘Look, it’s fine. I’m not on your level, I just want to go home.’

You’d entirely forgotten your inebriation. In the cold, with the sharp tongue of a bitter Shelby directed at you, you’d felt entirely sober. ‘Okay,’ you lied, ‘no problem.’

‘(Y/n).’ He said your name without any following comment. An abandoned sentiment between you. 

‘Did you want me to?’ you started, looking up to meet his eyes. ‘When you thought that I was... Did you want it to be true?’

His jaw muscles flexed. His gaze fell to your lips. 

You’d barely caught your breath before you crossed the space between you to kiss him. Your hand wound its way into his shirt, your tongue parted his lips, and he met you halfway without complaint. A union of hot breath and desperation. He cupped the back of your neck, warm and guiding, as his teeth grazed the stain on your lips. 

It was wrong, regardless of how he felt about his marriage, but you couldn’t stop yourself. And he showed no signs of wanting to either. 

You kissed and it’d become more than just that - it was a contract of secrecy. You were his exception, and he was your cheat. 

[survivor-kuwait]

Episode 11 - “i am the balrog elder gay” - Kait

i am the balrog elder gay 

Losing Chloe BROKE ME. listning to Bye Bye mariah carey and crying!!! this is for the people who just lost somebody... SHOOT. I wanted her to blurt out more of her votes in tribe chats. RIP. a fallen Goddess...

SWEET BABY JESUS I GET A SECOND LIFE IN THIS GAME!! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!! OMG I LOVE THE LAGOON RN! BUT HOPEFULLY I CAN MAKE IT TO THE POINT WHERE I CAN RETURN BECAUSE I HAVE A FEW PEOPLE TO STRIKE BACK AT.

I’m so dumb, completely missed the voting deadline, in my defense i was teaching, but still. Never again, its merge (maybe) and im not gonna jeopardise my game like that.

I'm glad we merged but two people are returning to the game? This has been the most cracked game I have ever played.

Renee and Chips have a chance to return. Between the both I hope Renee comes back. She was an ally for me and most probably work together again.

Go rennee!

---

boo chips

MERGEMERGEMERGEMERGE!!!! glad my zodiac sign is known for being loyal cause I sure ain’t. 

This challenge is always weird but i think if people tell me the truth i may have cancelled out some of my stuff im getting. M&M&M are good standings hopefully. I also trust kait thomas and timmy. Hopefully i can make itndeep in the game.

---

This challenge was a total meh i guess this works. Hopefully i win immunity. If not hopefully im not a target. My relationship with Madison may be rocky right now cuz i blindsided her tribe friend in another game. So im kinda nervous. Hopefully she doesnt pass it her vengence here and tries to take me out.  Im slightly worried a but for this tc.

This merge is a little different from my norm game, I usually have 2-4 alliance chats going but I don't have a single one so far this game.  All my deals have been side deals so far, I do not know if that is a good or bad thing as of this moment in time.  Corey did fill me in that there was an alliance being formed that included him, at least it's indicative of him wanting "The Bull and the Lion" to continue to work. I am also way to mentally drained to give a damn, I just needed to make a confessional to not strike. I worked for 14 hours today but I made 325 dollars and now only owe 4k on my student loans.  Thassss a win in my book even if I get voted out, I'm just gonna drink some beer, hold Jenifer and go to bed.  Good night Moon.

THANK GOD I WON IMMUNITY. You have no idea how good it feels to not have to stress out too much this round. Considering there are 14 of us, really anything could happen, but it's great to know that I will make it through at least one more round. The only key here is just making sure that I stay on the right side of the numbers. The line will most likely be drawn in the sand, so it's important that I stay on the right side of it. So far, I think the people that trust me the most are Ian, Corey, and Matt. I talk to them the most out of everyone, and I do trust them all to an extent, Corey and Ian the most. I would love to find a way to get all three of them on the same page, but I know that will be a heard feat. Next in line would probably be Maynor, Madison, and Kait. I talk to these three a good amount, but for some reason I am having a hard time putting my full faith into them. I talk to Owen a good amount too, but he is a MAJOR threat, and someone that I do not want to be in the game for too much longer if I'm going to have a chance to win. For this round, in an ideal world, Thomas would go home. But that seems too easy. I am hoping someone starts throwing names around, but if not, I guess it will have to be me.

WHY DOES MATT HATE ME SO MUCH?!?!  I genuinely wanted to work with him after first impressions, I bet he was the one who voted Taurus now.  My idol now has a name attached to it, so thanks for that Matt.  In a way, I guess you did end up working with me in some fashion.  Ideally this round goes down with a clear majority on Stephan and Corey can get his save a vote activated and I play the slow burn on good ole Matteo, I wanted to butt heads with Owen at merge, but Owen has been a delight while Matteo has been nothing but a thorn in my side.  

Phew child this merge! 14 people is so so so many and I did in fact vote out Adrian and Chloe, both people who I’ve worked with. I’m left in a really interesting spot because of the warzones it’s still hard to see who has a pattern of voting together. I feel that I’ve positioned myself to be in a lot of threesomes, and hopefully nobody really catches on to that? I know Kait is my number one currently and I have trust with Madison and Devon and Corey. But I’m also fully aware that everyone is a huge threat, and I have to downplay myself as one as well. Hopefully a stepehen vote will provide me with good positioning, as we’re removing someone I personally can’t reallt work with, and lessening the numbers. I also wanna really work with chips but I’m sure everyone was chomping at that bit! Who doesn’t want a bite of chips!

I wish I could put an image in this form bc the joke I’m about to make is so funny Anyways lol I told Kait about the idol I felt like I had to or else I’d break her trust if I ever used it. But THEN LOL SHE TOLD ME THAT matt also has one LMAO THAY HE NEVER TOLD ME ABOUT!!!! So that meme I linked above is literally me and matt with our idols Here’s my prob tho I like l.... I have to tell matt bc he knows I guess the coordinate. So I guess that’s a thing that’ll happen

Finally have an alliance chat with Kait and Owen...it’s been so many rounds in the making tbh, it just needed to actually be made. I feel safer having that as well as us going to make one with Matt and Maynor as well, making sure that Matt is okay with it...Maynor already seems to be on board. The only name that’s been going around is Stephen so that kind of sucks because I wanted to work with him, but he isn’t around enough to try and rock the boat for in this game unfortunately. 

I found a hidden immunity idol which is awesome! Also, everyone has been silent this round after we decided on Stephen so that’s a bit suspicious 

This is a really hard round because I really like everyone. If any good came from it, it's that I solidified myself into a strong alliance that should be able to keep me safe for at least a few rounds. Corey did not seem to bite on my idea to vote out Owen. Matt says he is most threatened by Ian and Timmy. And everyone just seems to want to vote Stephen. I think this round will be pretty easy, but from this point on it just gets harder. I assume that Chips is in a bad spot and most likely will go next. But at final 12, it's going to be a doozy to see who can stay on top of the vote.

So thisrounf there is an alliance of 6 however I have 0 faith in Thomas. He is a wild card and will be hard to judge and work with. No idea what’s going to happen tonight. 

Aight a lot happening this merge!!! Fourteen people we losin our minds. First of all let me say half these ppl were kinda boring to talk to but I’m liking it a little better today. I came in wanting Stephen GONE because I lied to him during the taylor vote and we haven’t clicked since and I promised I would get out whoever lied to me in this food challenge and his bitch ass didn’t submit so I didn’t get my perfect ZERO!!!! So I was all ready to press him but suddenly Devon had already thrown out his name! Easy as pie. I rlly trust Kait and her and corey get along. I was branching out to some others too like madison is bae, Devon is fun, I like talking to Ian. My FAVORITE is Maynor I rlly like him but I’m scared matt has a hold on him. Anyways I helped set up some alliances today that I hope are solid. One is me Kait madison corey and then they wanted to add Devon and tommy which is cool. Still kinda pressed at Thomas because yesterday I said ily to him and he replied with lol but other than that it’s a good group. But then suddenly Timmy wanted something with Kait and I so I took that as an opportunity to solidify something with Maynor! Precious angel. Kait and I are worried because the tension between corey and matt lmao which is honestly kinda stupid. Matt was sus about corey after he spearheaded the renee vote which like I understand. And I stirrred the pot a little because I told corey that matt was after him lmao. But for now I’m rlly working hard to keep them from targeting each other and so is Kait. Idk how long that can last tho. Ummmm trace’s THOT HOE ASS told corey he wanted me out?!!! So he gotta GO! And Kait and matt think Ian is dangerous which I’m like ok maybe..., sure. Ummm Cullan is just mind boggling. He ate tater tots for breakfast who does that. But he’s sweet I guess. Id prefer him and Ian and trace gone soon but corey likes all those people oop. I rlly think Kait wants to stick with going to the end with me and matt which like.... I rlly will keep allegiance to Kait but matt? Idk. He kept his idol secret from me and it’s clear he doesn’t trust me as much which is fine, I wasbsure Stephen would target me tonight but apparently now he’s going for Thomas. Hopefully it’s an easy vote and Stephen goes and I get what I want and next round I’ll figure out what to do when it gets harder

Well. Tonight the vote is Stephen. Well, for the majority of us. For little young me, I will be voting for nobody! We acquiring a save vote. Hopefully, at our next tribal, Timmy leaves! Woo! I am in 2 alliances: Mighty Happy Meal (Owen, Kait, Madison, Devon, Thomas) and Queer Eye-ish (Madison, Matt, Trace). Period... I am loyal to my own people. Madison, Owen, Ian, Devon. Kait too, to an extent. The rest need to go at their time. I do what I can. Matt is a priority for me to get rid of. Unless Timmy wants Matt gone, I want him gone too for next time. x

Ep 11: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1-fEEBtT8R4hk_587qknbxwLmB8yhN_lt/view?usp=drivesdk

This is my placeholder confession for until I am at a computer and able to type something out. I got back in the game!

alyssa said put ep 11: just a quick recap bc i have to play this silly flash game now before i pass out - corey and matt allegedly not liking each other is still a problem - owen found an idol - i told owen matt has an idol bc i have a big mouth - corey told owen all this shit about the vote and idk just other game sensitive stuff and not me and - there's an aliens of trace, matt, madison, and corey that trace allegedly made. this is a big question mark bc either it's just really random and people that trace wants to work with despite what they said or this beef??? between matt and corey is fake which i wouldn't be too surprised by - corey told all of this to owen before tribal but told him that he was going to wait until after tribal to tell me like.... i don't appreciate that. - i think that kind of solidifies that if/when corey v matt happens and i have to pick a side i wanna go with my matt. - im sure i will think of more tomorrow oh also i want ian to get deleted from skype thx

EP 11 Confessional: I got an idol this round which is cool. I heard the vote was stephen however it’s been kinda quiet. Not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. 

Aight a lot happening this merge!!! Fourteen people we losin our minds. First of all let me say half these ppl were kinda boring to talk to but I’m liking it a little better today. I came in wanting Stephen GONE because I lied to him during the taylor vote and we haven’t clicked since and I promised I would get out whoever lied to me in this food challenge and his bitch ass didn’t submit so I didn’t get my perfect ZERO!!!! So I was all ready to press him but suddenly Devon had already thrown out his name! Easy as pie. I rlly trust Kait and her and corey get along. I was branching out to some others too like madison is bae, Devon is fun, I like talking to Ian. My FAVORITE is Maynor I rlly like him but I’m scared matt has a hold on him. Anyways I helped set up some alliances today that I hope are solid. One is me Kait madison corey and then they wanted to add Devon and tommy which is cool. Still kinda pressed at Thomas because yesterday I said ily to him and he replied with lol but other than that it’s a good group. But then suddenly Timmy wanted something with Kait and I so I took that as an opportunity to solidify something with Maynor! Precious angel. Kait and I are worried because the tension between corey and matt lmao which is honestly kinda stupid. Matt was sus about corey after he spearheaded the renee vote which like I understand. And I stirrred the pot a little because I told corey that matt was after him lmao. But for now I’m rlly working hard to keep them from targeting each other and so is Kait. Idk how long that can last tho. Ummmm trace’s THOT HOE ASS told corey he wanted me out?!!! So he gotta GO! And Kait and matt think Ian is dangerous which I’m like ok maybe..., sure. Ummm Cullan is just mind boggling. He ate tater tots for breakfast who does that. But he’s sweet I guess. Id prefer him and Ian and trace gone soon but corey likes all those people oop. I rlly think Kait wants to stick with going to the end with me and matt which like.... I rlly will keep allegiance to Kait but matt? Idk. He kept his idol secret from me and it’s clear he doesn’t trust me as much which is fine, I wasbsure Stephen would target me tonight but apparently now he’s going for Thomas. Hopefully it’s an easy vote and Stephen goes and I get what I want and next round I’ll figure out what to do when it gets harder

[tumblunni]

Fuck i just had the most horrifying nightmare fuck it was like a ptsd flashback mixed with a nightmare so evwrything went even more wrong than it did in real life

It was like a flashback to being abused by my dad but now i had a little sister too and i was desperately tryibg to protect her. (Different from my little sister on my mum's side)

She was a little korean girl that dad "adopted" but actually literally bought as a slave, like what the fuck how did my subconcious go so dark!! Andhe got her almost as if she was some pet or toy or fuckin..mail order maid who could do everything around the house. "Here's a better daughter than you who'll be obedient and have no free will" cos of racist bullshit ideas. And he was dissappointed that she wasnt this perfect subservient thing and didnt automatically know how to do every task he gave her, even though she was just goddamn 10 years old!!! And it all felt so real while i was dreaming, there were details like my dad saying "she'll be easier cos she's an omnivore, they eat cats in korea right", because he used to hate that i was a vegetarian and always try and trick me into eating meat for some damn reason. And we had to wait for his predictable time every evening that he went out to get drunk, so we could call the police...

And GOD it was so FUCKED UP cos this poor kid was so resigned to it all? She was like.. Surprised that i cared. She'd apparantly been abused by multiple white foster families and they told her that they were selling her off cos they needed to make some profit to make up for "all the stress you caused us". And she was telling me about how she was sexually abused in this emotionless tone as if it was just something everyone went through, and that she was scared id suddenly hate her and not want to help anymore because she was "dirty"

So it was all REALLY FUCKIN SCARY AND TENSE

It was like a race against time to call the police and get to them before dad came back, but i couldnt remember where the police station was in my dad's neighbourhood and just AGHH i was desperately trying to hold him off with a pocket knife while banging on the nearest door in te neighbourhood and begging that stranger to pplease take the kid inside and dont open the door no matter what, please let me die to hold him back

And it was so fuckin fucked up cos the worst part is waking up and realizing that not only was i unable to save this kid but this kid was never real to begin with. I fuckin cared about her so much i was so goddamn scared and it turns out the only one hurting her was me cos its my brain that imagibed all that fucked up shit im a fucking monster

And i dont even fuckin know her real name, in the dream she just had some sort of overly long "more white" name my dad changed it to, god it was so fucking twisted im scared of myself that my dreams can even be that horrible

And what was even stupider was that it still had dream logic to it and stuff. It was all terrifying at the time but now im awake i can notice how lots of placeholder roles in the dream were filled with yokai watch characters just cos its the last game i played. The neighbour knocking the door and the neighbour i tried to knock the door of were both characters from the anime. And most disturbingly when the girl was telling me about her previous caretakers sexually abusing her she talked about them grooming her using her favourite tv show. So this horrifying mental image of some fucked up lady luring in kids with a doll of Blazion from that game. WHY SPECIFICALLY BLAZION??? Damn seriously this little girl felt so goddamn real, right down to having an unusual choice of favourite character. God, my brain is saying her name might have been Cho?? Im really desperately trying to figure out if anyobne ever said it in this damn dream oh fucking godddd

I hate this i hate that im mourning someone that doesnt exist, i hate that the dream just ended when i pushed her behind that door and used my body to shield her. I just fuckin died like a bitch and i dont know if she was really safe, i dontk ow if dad managed to break in or pull his manipulative nonsense to convince them i was the real villain. I dont know if the little girl was able to stand up for herself and tell her story to the police, cos she really didnt believe her parents were wrong, she acted like theyd taught her thatvshe deserved it and that i was weird and scary for trying to help her. God i tried to cry all the tears that she wasnt able to cry!

Fuck why are my dreams so fucked up, fucking fuck

I dont know where the fuck this even came from, i had a really great day yesterday and put new sheets on my bed so it wasnt even like i was having an uncomfy sleep?? I just feel like my brain likes to throw panic attacks at me whenever i get too happy as a sort of "ha you dont deserve it" or "dont believe that things are really gonna be okay" thing. And fucking hell the old chestnut of "ptsd flashback but the details start to unwravell and get even more nightnarish than when it really happebed" is an old chestnut it likes to throw at me. God damn tho usually its just "the thing but you didnt escape like in real life", npt creating a whole new character who had an even worse case of parental abuse than me and i desperately have tp protect them and then i fuckin get my guts stabbed out and I DIDNT EVEN SAVE HWR COS IT WAS JUST A DREAM AND SHE ISNT REAL

Fucking hell fuck i dont know what to do in just really heart pounding after that mess so i have to write it down to try and make sense of it at least

Ok i remembered another detail that the name my dad wanted to rename her to contained olivia?? So that part might have come from me getting this new haircut yesterday cos i was like "this reminds me of my old friend livia from high school man she had great hair". But seriously did a whole fuckin nightmare spawn from that one sentence thought?? HOW DO I KEEP DOING THIS TO MYSELF

Fuck i need an icecream or something im so fuckin sweaty and gross waking up from that damn panic fucl id pour a bucket of water over my head but i dont wanna ruin my new hair

I WAS HAVING A GOOD DAY YESTERDAY THERES NO DAMN LOGICAL CAUSE FOT SUCH AN EXTREME HELL DREAM

God what if it was somehow real and i like mentally connected with another kid who was being abused and i couldnt protect her and i couldnt protect her dear god it felt so fuckin real i even had my old early 2000s phone and the horrible room at my dads house where the locks dont work and the window thats too small to escape from and fuckin fuckin goddddd

I dont know whats fuckin wrong withme

[glopratchet]

intro-of-astryl-wydl

Perfect beeing : an imprefect novel a perfect poem, a perfect song and a perfect man You know you can't go on like this You have to find something else that will give you pleasure and your mind is already filled with ideas of what might be good for you to read or listen too But the only thing in your mind right now is to get out of here! But there are no other options left at all Angylph speaks and says "so what is this all about" Well I guess it would be best if we started from the beginning First things first, how did you come to be in my house? And why do you look so unhappy? "since i prefer art bots instead of aborted babies on a cross, and you think we are going to go to hell THEN we must be related" "Hell? What kind of nonsense is this? "since i prefer art bots instead of aborted babies on a cross, "when i read specutalive fiction" you say "I enjoy a good ending better then a bad one obviously" "What is this place? And what have you done with my brother? you ask yourself Man you are quick on your feet, but this woman looks very tired and stressed will she fall for such trickery You can do this! act now before she gets to close switch subjects quickly and look away but don't ignore her You need to sell this lie "when i read specutalive fiction" you say "alright here we go" you think trust the Force and improvise Still, its a very interesting topic, but we should choose one before my head explodes "let me sit back an attempt to figure all this out" you type "let me sit back an attempt to figure all this out" you type The "b" is brown ; (4) A sea of letters is called the spooge you don't know what that means nor what it has to do with anything The random letters really doesn't tell you anything and you've asked myself what it all means well according to your views, it means nothing The images are like nothing you've ever seen before though, they're so colorful and weird looking The B & W photo of jupiter seems pretty dull in comparison almost creepy too when you look at it for too long The who who clicks last is a stooge Seriously now? Who comes up with this stuff and what does it mean? Is any of this real or are you the fool? Some would say both; you need a break Right now, all you want to do is listen to some calming music, your tired of all these depressing thoughts that come with fragmented information You long to see some "real people", someone that isn't compressed bits and bytes What do you really know about this Eva? Taking resposibility for your mistakes as we attempt to build a maze approaching ; (5) you think someone else died mysteriously and they were the one that put all this Instead of looking further into this dangerous game as who and why its best just to give up on it and what happens happens you think Pressing the R key starts the song over again and you forget about all this mess for now until something happens, which you've been told somethings will Taking resposibility for your mistakes as we attempt to build a maze approaching ; That ends in ruin or reward only time will tell Eva - That wasn't what I expected but it sheds some light on the setting of the mood for our paths we must travel You are clearly mentally disturbed, why else would you make this pathetic attempt at an obscure story to try and confuse me? You are a coward just like my ex-boyfriend Chad So how exactly does this prove that you are not responsible for putting all this here in the first place? That ends in ruin or reward only time will tell The story is told by multiverse explorer astral wylde to his Daughter Grace astral about the time period of when he first experienced "the pictures" before they became verbal when he talked with fellow creative and how they became relational in the best way I recommend reading it as it is probably more "here" than what I have just told you The story is told by multiverse explorer astral wylde to his Daughter Grace astral about the time period of when he first experienced "the pictures" before they became verbal when he talked with fellow creative and how they became relational in the best way There are records stored in the city of astokhan on everything that goes on in world apart from those things best not remembered for when the end comes if it ever does under the complete ruling of dum Akhan So the silly bugger made a song and dance about this on his official reports? dam Dum Akhan would be mad at that honestly, imagine if some dum sanctioned this man's actions without knowing what is going on furthermore he has demonized himself with the term stooge in such a crude simple manner There are records stored in the city of astokhan on everything that goes on in world apart from those things best not remembered for when the end comes if it ever does under the complete ruling of dum Akhan And during one of his less fuitful periods we had this conversation OCC: How much did you pay for a license to use that? You know that there was a price on that formula right? "how did you even gain access to these communications? eva being as intelligent and secretive as she is, i would have though you'd be the last person she'd tell stuff too" And during one of his less fuitful periods we had this conversation He decides to envision chains flowing from my head He's probably trying to intimidate you I think a better representation of me is the red misty cloud that came out your pocket and is slowly forming into my likeness on your lap The stupid muppet actually listened to me earlier and kept count, he can't help himself says unity, then again most fools can't help themselves To answer your first question, this was just a conversation we had shortly before you got here From the life of a beautiful painter he once knew As she painted pictures not of an extant quality because of her happy heart and creative style opposed to sole reason or tainted by poverty or even misery like most painters' works normally are thus making her life a whole lot easier as attention and sales figures rose into mastery the artist had became used to success without bothering herself with challenges that some say is inhuman and extremely unnatural Then one day she met a kindred spirit in a fellow creatives and fell deeply in love without sacrificing her position Astral wydle because of his supernal nature is gifted with perfect memory not to mention without sleep and he still finds himself getting bored which sometimes leads him to having unusual ways of keeping himself occupied such as writing random stories or biographies on random subjects I remember reading some where he talked about her On the first week of spring 23 he first met an artist at the Academy called Heather Jane Rogers when she was just a celebrated artist invited there to do a trial run of something called performance art where she proceeded to paint while covered in body paint Astral wydle because of his supernal nature is gifted with perfect memory not to mention without sleep and he still finds himself getting bored which sometimes leads him to having unusual ways of keeping himself occupied such as writing random stories or biographies on random subjects And he remembers watching a video from mica metrological in his flamboyant style where a similar woman called Lou Reed played the guitar to her at Ascot house ; (I think that's what it's called The old artist frequently mentions the palaces and fantastic gardens there in great detail thinking they were some of the most beautiful sights she ever saw) where later on he claimed to have fallen in love with her And he remembers watching a video from mica metrological in his flamboyant style where a similar woman called Lou Reed played the guitar to her at Ascot house ; Talking about a thirty percent chance of rain that evening anyway I happened to bump into you that night at the same place then I forgot all about the clouds as soon as you started talking The young Lou must have put on one heck of a wonderful show then looking back it really is funny how some core things never change, I honestly almost pulled him in just to spite him At this point I can't tell if he hates me or fears me or perhaps both Talking about a thirty percent chance of rain that evening anyway I happened to bump into you that night at the same place then I forgot all about the clouds as soon as you started talking He remembers being at the gory hole in artist community when she was forced out like so many others couldn't afford to buy food or move and he had the feeling that perhaps it was some sort of curse upon her for profiting off such a terrible act, could still be though She even played at a neutral building which caused an outrage at the time but as one reviewer put it "you could cut the tension with a knife" He remembers being at the gory hole in artist community when she was forced out like so many others couldn't afford to buy food or move and he had the feeling that perhaps it was some sort of curse upon her for profiting off such a terrible act, A progressive mid tier art gallery in a trendy section of beetriot city called capitol heights which was thankfully bombed into oblivion by eternium ; (a major art supplier) decades ago A progressive mid tier art gallery in a trendy section of beetriot city called capitol heights which was thankfully bombed into oblivion by eternium ; Known as the bridge of noise (he has an ear piercingly annoying way of describing simple everyday things that probably would end up adding a solid fifty thousand words to a five word quote if you allowed him to speak for more than two hours straight) when they played at some blue building that looked like a monstrous bowl turned upside down ; (earlier in the day he actually attempted to have some obscure artistic name for the place but ultimately failed by awkwardly stuttering to himself apparently they changed it's name without permission which is apparently uncommon Known as the bridge of noise ; There he first learns all of beetriot is laughing at triton arcage again as it happened rather often due to some wise cracks about lady Cassandra's recent decision to add four hundred and thirty-two new erasable colors to their six hundred strong color range He was cursed at and even assaulted only to be saved by and then start flirting with a pretty voice and in retrospect also an incredible amount of alcohol for the time of day The first time they meet in person was over a flaming bowl of some sort of soup which sounds great sense memory I guess huh? There he first learns all of beetriot is laughing at triton arcage again as it happened rather often due to some wise cracks about lady Cassandra's recent decision to add four hundred and thirty-two new erasable colors to their six hundred strong color range As he observes the details of a painting at show known as the triumph of the colored venus as the rest of the room merrily drinks and parties around them he unknowingly stares deep into her eyes As far as he or I ; (at least on his side) is aware they quickly flirted back and forth until the show finished at which point chaos erupted as a cynical announcer ; (they were surprisingly common back then in that day and age) stated to everyone's surprise that what they had all witnessed was an extremely late April's fools art prank "based loosely" As he observes the details of a painting at show known as the triumph of the colored venus as the rest of the room merrily drinks and parties around them he unknowingly stares deep into her eyes That features a group of lesbian women of darker color trampling an infamous bigot of the time under a certain colored delivery venus painting We've never been able to figure out who gave the announcement ; (all records of his id were deleted) but we all guess it must have been one of lady Cassandra's more enthusiastic fans That features a group of lesbian women of darker color trampling an infamous bigot of the time under a certain colored delivery venus painting On the faces of a group of contempory news worthy white men witnessing the far more outlandish unexpected display they were content at first to loudly complain but several white shirted security ; (all artists) from other galleries had already surrounded the group so they quietly but steadily left after that Well, 3 of the most hardcore bigots left with threats under their breath which is when lady Cassandra famously replied "good! " she then played one last song to cheering crowd and promptly left as well forgetting the interview in the bargin On the faces of a group of contempory news worthy white men witnessing the far more outlandish unexpected display they were content at first to loudly complain but several white shirted security ; By emerging twenty something artist cherp cherp quint illion was instantly an internet meme within an hour due to a live recording of the show ; (although basically nobody understood the joke untill years later) he watched some of it with the bridge of noise and cindy lou Triton arcage himself made several pointed antisocial posts accusing them all of obviously staged bull fracking inbetween demands that people send him samples of colored venus paintings for his own amusement By emerging twenty something artist cherp cherp quintillion was instantly an internet meme within an hour due to a live recording of the show ; Known for her delicate rococo style she didn't expect the republican capitalist pigs of southern Gildshire to honor her contract and even politely turned down an invitation to paint the lord's mansion in favor of returning home "That's a load of bull! Known for her delicate rococo style she didn't expect the republican capitalist pigs of southern Gildshire to honor her contract and even politely turned down an invitation to paint the lord's mansion in favor of returning home He overhears saul saint nicodemous giving cherp cherp a critique of the piece Cherp cherp gives a little shrug and then turns to triton arcage with a open grin Seeming him visibly cringe and then nervously play with his fingers she concludes" Well let's just say I'm willing to take that chance Triton arcage goes over to try and compliment her work only to get yelled at by saint nicodemous He pretends to be fine with this but really isn't With a group of other artist friends including saul saint nicodemous and tritons old classmates she enters a small cafe afterward They stay here discussing art for several hours where they are imporantly very accepting of his ideas as he is with hers Cindy lou however seems constantly distracted through all this Every now and then glancing over at the other table where the exact same cafe they are in sold food until only recently With a group of other artist friends including saul saint nicodemous and tritons old classmates she enters a small cafe afterward Katharsis gale the oldest of the group in mid fourties and by most artistic measures very much still alive breaks the silence The ever wordly woman asks triton "well it's all over it went far better than anyone had a right to expect any criticism? "Of course some people are just going to hate anything new" triton replies truthfully trying not to look at cindy lou Suddenly cindy lou exclaims "then someone should go over there and criticize their food! Katharsis gale the oldest of the group in mid fourties and by most artistic measures very much still alive breaks the silence Bransky bronze bright supermacy in her early thirties with work showing in Dugan galleria and genius grant winner at 21 stares at her until the rest of the table breaks into laughter "Who said anything about food? "Bruschetta! Bransky bronze bright supermacy in her early thirties with work showing in Dugan galleria and genius grant winner at 21 stares at her until the rest of the table breaks into laughter Bransky and chirp standing sliently noding there heads in approval "Sorry who's bruschetta? " triton shyly asks wondering if one of them had a superpower of remembering the names of everyone they met since forever "The mean ossider who couldn't appreciate our art! " cindy lou exclaims tears starting to form in her eyes Triton sees the other artist get a awkward almost wincing look on their faces except for saul saint nicodemous "let me tell you what this represents in your art work, " states saul "the feeling of adversity for someone who faced down waves of derision, and vilification for simply for having a vision different from the mass's it was even your own boss at the time who created panel "A" which created a large backlash that could easily have destroyed her career and yet she carried on when anyone else may have quit at that point Saul goes in to hug her "This is good cuz I'm hungry can we go now "the feeling of adversity for someone who faced down waves of derision, As saul saint goes on and on with bullshit language about destruction of the More nonsense on colonialism and purity of artistic visions, he picks up a large crayon looking thing and draws a circle around what looks horridly close to rings around cindy lou's late friend oggie He draws and draws until there is a full drawing around these characters the 2 people commenting on her tragedy with thumbs up, and then himself with his hand raised in an entire crowd giving a standing ovation! to this drivel More nonsense on colonialism and purity of artistic visions, An aspect of queer theory transgression of canonic norms and smashing the cis-normative glass slipper (even though bruschetta is side panel! The entire table stares in awe at how it reflects the entire cafe, from the small amount of patrons to one particularly aggressive looking war era Cartoon bird looking creature in a cage It suddenly ends, then GOE 4 1 red act goes on to fully seize all cartoon creatures An aspect of queer theory, And other fashionable topics of art conflict As usual everyone claps They finally leave Saul hugs Cindy Lou again and tells her how much her sadness and pain meant to him How every piece of art must start with a little sorrow the ECSF officially adopts art as a weapon policy embracing chaotic whimsies to destroy the authoritarian status quo During this time period eventually leading to anti-democratic artist run totalitarian state with over emphasis on aesthetics in every day life The cycle continues During this time period the ECSF officially adopts art as a weapon policy embracing chaotic whimsies to destroy the authoritarian status quo The end Astral can not help himself and says something of a smart assed nature about his lack or orginality on the ending Something about how if one is too ultra supportive of disruptive elements it will grow into a state that destroys all opposition and look at what has happened to bruschetta that little ossider needs to be put in his place R2-43 begins a small electrical shock and sends astral flying with a well placed punch to the face Then turns goblin into a magical light show with her wand "You're pretty good with that thing, Astral can not help himself and says something of a smart assed nature about his lack or orginality on the ending The actual quote is Leaving the others shocked she looks sexually attracted to astral and begins to check him out in just the way you suspect rukka and jaxom have done with you Making a smacking kissy mouth sound Dropping goblin on the floor, she walks over slowly towards the astral while touching his freshly bruised face She touches hand moves toward his crouch "Woah, i'm not gonna suck your Leaving the others shocked, While kat unable to control herself goes on a giggle fit and attempts unzipping his armor With one good blast of magik she sends him spinning across the barre of her legs causing the ents to make highpitched screams as she gets closer and closer to his crouch One swift, forceful pull of both hands in a denim effect on a pair of leather pants done by a very excited tanuki causes him to fall over, this apparently exciting tanuki even more as the ent is sent under the table While kat unable to control herself goes on a gigglefit and attempts unzipping his armor Saul and brankys backs away with out a retort in disgust and ents magik affectation The bar is but a shambles of blood, guts, feathers and denim You approaching quietly as they lay on the table post passionate denium separation far from the carnage Upon approaching he looks at you blushing Still naked and clearly in a state of shame It was all at once hilarious and adorable "I did not F there, there" "No "Or there either, " pointing under the bloody table Saul and brankys backs away with out a retort in disgust and ents magik affectation The group heads for the wine bar wondering about the homeless nature of astral projection as ent dies her arms around in an nearly impossible position to hold The group heads for the wine bar wondering about the homeless nature of astral projection as ent dies her arms around in an nearly impossible position to hold And wondering if he comes from the land of lixie dixie The dealer of gallery motions to cherp to come her way because they need to talk about some finances You tell your new employee where you'll be and probably will be there for quite some time while this goes though Cherp seems enthuisiastic towards hanging out at the wine bar Why that place? Who knows, ents are a strangely docible sort But things go well apparently as the owner of the bar remembers you from your traveling child hood The dealer of gallery motions to cherp to come her way because they need to talk about some finances A collector is interested in buying her work She can't remember when the last time someone was genuinely interested in her work and began making motions to leave with him then and there You try explaining things, but as these things go, they are fairly regular at your bar and she needed to watch her proceedings The man looked promising though if he actually buys them all Leaving astral and kat together for a moment you walk over and speak to the ents, while explaining why cherp left early but ent surprises you with all his rambling about her work and paintings "They got the oddest shapes cherp, " he slurs spilling out an ale "I know I painted them" You muffled with a bemused expression on your face Looking as if he was on the verge of tears, rukka extends one of her branches Leaving astral and kat together for a moment you walk over and speak to the ents, She makes an excuse to leave and you bring two bottles home since the ents offered not to finish theirs The pictures were actually complemented pretty well, the value was definitely there as you sold your creations in only a days time in the past and this man heard of cherp though out lands but her paintings were incredibly rare due to her nomadic nature The group and yourself celebrate taking at least one expensive bar bill off the company payroll for once expectacy in one of his travels and possible may have even had a picture from that time, old iron clasps keeping it bound Strange request though She makes an excuse to leave and you bring two bottles home since the ents offered not to finish theirs He mentions that he has seen her work before Before finishing your drink Her expression drops as she notices your face Rukkia is brought to the table, she looks beat and probably shouldn't have been out drinking tonight as she was on her monthly rampage, seemingly forgetting how much physical strength she holds with that behemoth inside her He mentions that he has seen her work before in one of his travels and possible may have even had a picture from that time, But astral replies with a comment so disarming to that kat can not help but fall in love with him on the spot as his way of expressing himself towards berchemy usually ends in some horrible accident Correcting herself, she looks to astral realizing who he is Her usual sober demeanor becomes a little more light hearted and elegant as she sits with the group "I assume this man is aurvascour, who are the others? You know she really wants to say you look familiar but is having difficulty remembering who you are exactly But astral replies with a comment so disarming to that kat can not help but fall in love with him on the spot as his way of expressing himself towards berchemy usually ends in some horrible accident And they sneak out into the night air together Never being truly introduced They never truly caught each others name before they left either As they walk together he opens up to her more easily than he has tended to do with others, as if this is something easy for him now that he is expressing himself through his mixture of the arcane and her craft Out there in the dark terse vague statements are made about himself accompanied by big arm gestures "I uh my grandfather was a hero" As they walk along the peppled path of a converted bridge from an abadonned subway train yard that the city now uses as park, they get to know each other go from singular sporadic sentences to almost a complete conversation Nothing on the physical plane of course, but the pair got closer than before He knew she was not out to eat him, she knew he was not stupid nor slow, they could still appreciate one another despite this condition engulfing them both As they walk along the peppled path of a converted bridge from an abadonned subway train yard that the city now uses as park, The converstation unexpectedly turns back to triton and his first failed prediction astral wanted the real information if he was going to relay it "Theres nothing more that I know, than what I told you in that conversation, " astral says defending himself "I know that Fair enough" A lie of course, there is much more to it than what he said, it was just so absurd that he did not believe aurvace would relay it to him even if she knew The converstation unexpectedly turns back to triton and his first failed prediction, Twenty years ago ~Chapter 6: prelude to a Storm~ You are leaving the scene of aurvaces first prediction, it seemed initially successful, but you are about to go through an entire lifetime before realizing that your chances were much slimmer than anticipated That gym was on the border of the merchant district now commonly referred to as the clip It had started out innocently enough as a way for the entourage supporting Ruki to legally make some money and give back now Twenty years ago now Here astral learns about about someones world who did end that day From the man ari bloomsfield in the opening days of the great Kishak disturbances, as nameless street urchins in old beat up tennis shoes were running away from looters who shed stolen their recently broken store windows furniture alongside anything else they could find Upon her first rime in that place and sometime during the third day of looting within streets sealed shut by soldiers, aurvace is invaded once again From the man ari bloomsfield in the opening days of the great Kishak disturbances, Who had been scientist visiting beetriot from the orient five years her senior was a blond roguish man only three inches taller than herself They came on to each other fast over a sandwhich after he made sure she was not affiliated in anyway with another division under his command undercover inside the borders of this is city-state called kishak That should have given it away, how silly that they both thought their love was perfect when neither were even from the same continent, let alone the same stratosphere Who had been scientist visiting beetriot from the orient five years her senior was a blond roguish man only three inches taller than herself She had a nickname for him in her mind based on how superficial their connection and length relations were, she then coughed as if trying to hack something up but nothing left her mouth even though something was there a couple minutes ago And the rationalizations commence "It had to be done this way! If it takes humor to lighten the situation I will be happy to provide that, you know I always will, " implying he could not make her laugh under normal circumstances She had a nickname for him in her mind based on how superficial their connection and length relations were, Beastiari later agreed to meet her deep in the snowy summit mountains disregarding objections of all the people who love and care for him despite the distance Perhaps this could officially begin where aurvace had always felt alone even from him For she had through nearly unfathomable efforts concluded that her ability to remain aloof was the only way to survive on this moving forward as, ironically, a means to an end of maintaining a relationship between her and a loved one too Beastiari later agreed to meet her deep in the snowy summit mountains disregarding objections of all the people who love and care for him despite the distance Because of the obsene amount of dark blue brusies he would leave on her neck and other parts of her body without care, still, she knew the end result of his touches always lead to feelings of happiness deadening a deep pain that had always been there when the stars aligned a certain way Because of the obsene amount of dark blue brusies he would leave on her neck and other parts of her body without care, Luckly it was the winter so she could get away with wearing scarves all winter long She had oh so many lovers that winter of so much snow fall with tempers flaring hot enough that the occasional hapless pebble melted Her fellow soldiers were certainly fooled it would have probably worked if aurvace had not gotten out of hand near the very ending as she felt she deserved a good first part of winter months reprieve from grief Perhaps, it might have even lasted closer to spring if her consort did not notice her increasingly decrease in physical strength She had oh so many lovers that winter of so much snow fall with tempers flaring hot enough that the occasional hapless pebble melted While the love affair progressed for aurvace was like the starless winter that had finally lifted, her strength simultaneously decreased dangerously low By the start of march legs could no longer carry her and she had long since gave up on using bushes and other sparse vegetation as a makeshift toilet The cold made it all the worse bit still aurvace was able to make a run for elves until While the love affair progressed for aurvace was like the starless winter that had finally lifted, Another lover appeared on the scene She surely believed its mere presence was jealously summoned but her other gorgeous rascal of an aurvace consort was actually just smart enough to run some diagnostics on his beloved While aurvace may have neglected her share of physical discomfort he obviously did not overlook her decreased immunity and the very thing that caused a perpetual happy face plastered on aurvace now failed spectacularly The first lover Who later became a preacher with rather cult like following would call this phenomenon the so called "Death of Passion" saying that was no way to truly end one's life unless it was done beside someone comparable in beauty and or humor; A compliment aurvace was more than used to hearing by now But when aurvace's consort laid eyes on her they could only stare blankly at one another not saying a word even when practically laying naked together Who later became a preacher with rather cult like following would call this phenomenon the so called "Death of Passion" saying that was no way to truly end one's life unless it was done beside someone comparable in beauty and or humor; The one who took away her virginity on her twenty first birthday The poems he inspired aurvace to create herself were never that great so she never bothered trying for anything beyond writing love sonnets to aurvace anflutter with brand new experiences He had left her three years ago to persue a music carreer out out west due to his infatuation with the songs of the lands towards the setting sun Nor was risking death by starvation in this unforgiving winter worth it but aurvace chalked it up to attempted infidelity, thoughts of such repulsed her to no end though He had left her three years ago to persue a music carreer out out west due to his infatuation with the songs of the lands towards the setting sun Or was it another girl or woman? Unthinkable! Had aurvace's beauty faded so much that death would be kinder than the hurtful truth? The alternative was that some external force had a hand in this True, his disappearance could of been written off as kidnaping for ransom but aurvace's father never alluded to such suspicious activities during the times he comforted her Or was it another girl or woman? She could never be for sure and that uncertainty grew too much for aurvace who needed there to be a reasonable conclusion So after a minor fit of rage aurvace shot up and marched right into yet another snowstorm, luckily her fickle constitution was on her side for what aurvace had in guts she lacked entirely in common sense They found her body at the bottom of a snow drift which showed no immediate signs of trauma though aurvace most certainly froze to death She could never be for sure and that uncertainty grew too much for aurvace who needed there to be a reasonable conclusion But there he was back on the scene meaning well but rarely doing well aurvace's first love would compose a song about aurvace almost as beautiful as she was, in fact it became somewhat of a hit amongst their people leading some to believe that aurvace may have indirectly promoted interracial relationships though aurvace would care not at all as she herself could not see nor whatsoever But there he was back on the scene meaning well but rarely doing well, On the morning of the first doomsday pediction kat and beastiari went to the clinic for the procedure the day after kat visited beast for the first time since the operation though his face was still heavily bandaged "That bad eh? " she asked "Even uglier then I thought it would be, " beast sighed with a heavy heart Kat felt genuinely sorry for her friend as he was probably not exaggerating but beast recovered just fine and vowed that he was really allright and trying to put on a brave face despite feeling like death the day before On the morning of the first doomsday pediction kat and beastiari went to the clinic for the procedure, It turns out this day is the day astral and her meet are the anniverary of that event ful day they would change one an others lives so much and although it wasn't planned she did indeed plan a little get together this evening as a way to cheer beast up That of course involve cannibals and the humble village teacher but more about that in the last chapter Chapter 6A: One Fowl Evening "Is kat going to be there? " beast asked his sister who was wrapping his bandages It turns out this day is the day astral and her meet are the anniverary of that eventful day they would change one an others lives so much and although it wasn't planned she did indeed plan a little get together this evening as a way to cheer beast up For some reason art knocked on my door that day and when I answered art replied that beast needed to see me, not asking just telling I guess he must of thought me showing up unannounced to see a nearsight blind kid would of been a great equalizer Before I headed out though Aurvace caught me and handed me a sealed letter, the only instruction she left for me when accepting this mission But i told him that it was not a good time For some reason art knocked on my door that day and when I answered art replied that beast needed to see me, beast's sister was helping him "Your preaching to the choir sister, I think I'll win her over with my charm though, I mean this concept isn't totally lost on her and besides love is obscure He kept on as we started walking to his house Once inside I was given a lecture of sorts from astral about respecting personal boundaries and I agreed to not do it again with beast around but then beast left us so I felt less restrainted slightly But i told him that it was not a good time, and I was getting a little suspicious of kat's absence, Where is she? "can we try this again? " beast asked, giving astral a push then leaving through the back door which connected the two houses Ari was on the other side of the door with me She followed him out, checking to see if we were coming so I decided to tell art what I can now "The doctors know astral's pregnant, " I said slowly and quietly as to not be heard right away And i remember him being so scared Ari was on the other side of the door with me and I was getting a little suspicious of kat's absence, for his sister when he first learned the news during his mid- semester, but now his greyish pallor was ashen and his eyes looked glassy I tried calling to him but after a few mumbles he just start walking outside I followed him What a view, every villager was out here crowded in front of each others homes with torches a blazing at least but against the adult villagers he looked like a child, and a defiant one at that "Well, what do we have here? " The humble village chief said, in quite a festive tone "It started with a deaf blind boy begging to be taught how to read, " art began in between sobs And i remember him being so scared for his sister when he first learned the news during his mid- semester, Art was a big man well a tall man "It ended with several dead bodies in your home, all eaten Several men handed him another paper figuring that he would want to see it again Art was a big man well a tall man at least but against the adult villagers he looked like a child, But i think he had a streak of cowerdace in him because he immediately pleaded guilty once he started reading it "so this wasn't some cult ritual or religious thing? I had to change the tone of his confession because I didn't want this mock trial to turn real He stopped and re-read, then looked up at me accusingly "wait a second one of them says it was your idea, " another man adds, probably another parent of a dead kid "Now hold on " I said slowly inching forward But i think he had a streak of cowerdace in him because he immediately pleaded guilty once he started reading it And i do not think i could ever rely on him for protection both then or ever again As much as he is frail, he is only a man and i am just a boy CS: ******** Realizing the folly of getting on half of them he once again changed his tune And i do not think i could ever rely on him for protection both then or ever again But yes someones world did end that day mostly for the better though It wasn't just beasts sister who's lust for life died that day, it was also the blind poets The sentence drags in and out But yes someones world did end that day, Moments later the rain came down in sprinkles and we quickly moved under the roof of one of the houses Just three boys wrapped in pale blue sheets with rain drops dipping onto their skin "So why, I mean why do you think that beast would One could only assume that he was trembling from both cold and fear and not madness or sorrow, which leaves me about the same Perhaps the fever made us do it and perhaps it did not Moments later the rain came down in sprinkles and we quickly moved under the roof of one of the houses She mentions that she knows what the name of the child would be once it was born because she had seen the scarf "Whos robe was it? " I ask "Yours of course, " she still could not make out our faces through one squinted eye and one near closed eyelid "My favorite robe, a blue one I couldn't believe it and as terrible at remembering clothes I could never forget that one She mentions that she knows what the name of the child would be once it was born because she had seen the scarf The rain gives her an oppertuinity to part ways and rest her swollen feet Interupted by the chief who was ready to communicate with us once again "Sorry again about all that you have had to go through, " he says, "so what is it that you wanted? No harm no foul we were just gonna make camp here tonight and go about our business in the morn Perhaps this has all been a set up As they part she ends by stating that she does not regret it and that she would gladly do it again and the child too I know that she said this before but the force was so much more behind it this time The chief sound like he is turning then makes an about face turning toward his house made of stone And then he stops and turns and with an outreached hand invites us inside Three squars at any incloure but i decline As they part she ends by stating that she does not regret it and that she would gladly do it again The abortion of this trip was certainly weighed by my actions, I am indeed sorry that it has turned out this way Thats probably for the best come by tommarrow if you like, alright Well no more hugs today boys get some sleep and hope you learn from your misstakes so boy number one stand up The abortion of this trip was certainly weighed by my actions, And that she never regrets anything That girl back there contiplated suicide Why though I do not know, she always seemed happy to me I guess I'll never know And she says good bye Just leaves me here to sit and ponder life and other nonsense that does not really matter Perhaps it is best that she left when she did, who knows what else we would have got ourselves into Though while I may never really know I hope to find a little bit of her once again with the ladies, or at least emuate what I can through pretend I made a joke with the chief, the ultimate chivalrous hero saving the damsel in distress And they part as the first snow of the year comes down just a little harder than it has And the boy ends his story here and bids you goodnight friend

[mysteriouslyzealouspandalov-blog]

Relationship Myths Debunked by a professional to calm your woes

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Relationship Myths Debunked by a professional to calm your woes

Unless you met your significant other in high school, dating is really hard and anxiety-inducing for, like, every moment until you are officially in a relationship (and then that’s where the real work starts). Even God’s gift to humanity, Serena van der Woodsen, struggled on the dating scene, which is truly troubling for normal people. Yes, I am aware that SVDW is a fictional character, but even Blake Lively had to swim through a sea of Kelly Blatz’s and Penn Badgley’s before finding Ryan Reynolds. I guess the only upside to having no idea what is happening in my love life is that I have at least one thing in common with Blake Lively—kind of. Don’t ruin this for me.

So, I met someone a little over a month ago who checks all of my boxes, and even though my therapist and Hannah Montana both say nobody’s perfect, this guy is pretty damn close. Except for one thing: We don’t hang out more than like, once a week, which I didn’t realize was an issue until one of my happily married friends forced her unsolicited opinion on me shared her concerns with me. Since then, I have not been able to stop thinking about where this relationship (can I even call it that?) is heading, if anywhere. Have I been so burned by former boyfriends that my bar is set unreasonably low, or am I so smitten that I can’t see an obvious red flag? So like any neurotic New Yorker, I took to the experts and consulted Dr. Jenny Taitz, a clinical psychologist and author of How To Be Single and Happy, to make me feel better and debunk a few common misconceptions about dating.  

If You Aren’t Hanging Out Multiple Times A Week Within The First Month, You’re Doomed

So this is obviously what initiated my downward spiral line of questioning, and I was very eager to hear a professional’s opinion on the matter. Here’s what Dr. Taitz had to say: “It’s not about quantity; it’s about quality. If you’re seeing each other once a week and spending four or five hours on a Saturday actually talking about real things, rather than meeting up at like, midnight, it’s not a bad sign.” And, as much as I hate to admit that anyone aside from myself is right, she has a point. For instance, I used hang out with my FWB like three nights a week, which was both great and horrible. It was nice because we got to see a lot of each other, which is more than I can say about the current guy I’m seeing, but all FWB and I did together was the old school definition of Netflix and Chill and then the ~relationship~ just kind of shriveled up and died. Welp.

So this horrendous experience is shedding some light on my current situation: I have to (slightly) rely on positive and negative indicators for answers about his feelings for me or where he sees us going. As cliche as it is to admit, trusting your gut is usually the right thing to do, and I def knew that FWB wasn’t going to pan out. If he’s showing you zero signs of wanting to be your boyfriend at some point in the future, chances are, he won’t be.

If You Can’t Sleep At His Apartment, You’re Not Comfortable With Him

If there is something more intimate than sleeping next to someone, LMK. Honestly, I have been told I’m low-maintenance to sleep next to because I don’t really move or make sound other than quiet breathing, which is prob better than absolute silence (creepy). Anyway, even though I’m a pretty easy bedmate, I still get so insecure sleeping next to someone until I feel absolutely comfortable with him. For instance, Mr. Almost Perfect loves to snuggle, which is adorable and sweet, but after a few hours, half my body is numb and I need to switch positions, but I can’t because I don’t want to wake him up so I just lay there in agony waiting for him to roll over on his own. Look, I’ve had plenty of sleepovers with my girlfriends and if they unconsciously make their way onto my side, I have zero issue waking their asses up and delivering them back to their side. So why can’t I do that with a guy I’m seeing? Am I becoming a nice person who’s concerned about the wellbeing and restfulness of others? Doubtful, but Dr. Taitz says, “There are a lot of reasons why people can’t sleep. Sometimes people can’t sleep because they’re excited. It doesn’t necessarily have to do with physical or mental comfort.” As someone who can fall asleep literally anywhere, I was getting a little worried about what my restless nights in Bushwick (I know) might signal for my not-yet-relationship, but I feel a bit better now!

If You’re Affectionate Towards Each Other, The Relationship Is Just Physical

To clarify, I hate PDA more than I hate most things in this world. However, little things like holding my excessively clammy hand, putting your arm around me, or letting me have the first bite of whatever dessert we’re “sharing” make me happy. And in any given relationship, I am the affectionate one, which is totally fine with me, but Mr. Almost Perfect is also super warm and mushy, which is confusing to me! Is he being so touchy and sweet in response to me acting that way or is he just like that? Dr. Taitz says, “Touching is a good example of showing closeness, and being affectionate through touch is never a bad thing.” Generally, trust your gut. If it feels sweet and genuine, it probably is. Plus, there’s generally no sh*tty and disappointing meaning to an innocent hand hold.

However, if his hand always manages to find its way to your butt, well, hopefully you know what that means. Lastly, Dr. Taitz admits, “It’s really fascinating how our mind tries to undermine our joy and replace closeness with worry.” That’s literally what I am doing right now. Lastly, “You should ask yourself what you have in common besides the physical touch, because I’m sure if you want to touch someone, there’s something that’s attracting you well beyond the physical.” There is, there def is.

If You Don’t Like His Friends, You Eventually Won’t Like Him

Dr. Taitz says, “It’s safe to say he’s probably not a clone of his friends. We need to be okay with the element of uncertainty and not knowing everything we would want to know right away.” Hopefully, I’ll find out soon what the deal with his friends is, but people’s friends are not always a mirror reflection of who they are. I have a friend who knows more about what’s happening in Washington than Trump does, which honestly isn’t saying much, but he likes to bring politics into every conversation he has and it’s as annoying as it seems, if not more so. I have another friend who is like, an actual drama magnet, and seeing her is more exhausting than a SoulCycle class on a Sunday morning. But I love them and, needless to say, they aren’t shedding any negative light on my personality or self because they are the way they are, but more importantly, I am not them. Yes, sometimes “you are the company you keep” can ring true, but other times it just doesn’t—you can’t tell without getting to know the person.

If You Aren’t Texting All Day Every Day, The Communication Needs Work

Nothing bugs me more than when someone texts me “Hey, what’s up?” Like, are we supposed to have a full-fledged convo via text right now? The only reasons I text someone are when something very specific to that person just happened or if we making plans. Mr. Almost Perfect is the same way, so when we aren’t together, we aren’t really texting, like, ever. Every now and then we will say something stupid to check in and make sure the other is still alive, but we are definitely not those people who are constantly, like, tagging each other in vague memes and saying goodnight with kissy face emojis on the daily. No judgment if that’s your vibe, but gross. I kind of like it this way because I will never read into a text or lack thereof. Do you know how stressed out I used to get trying to decipher the convoluted and hidden messages buried in texts of past boyfriends? For instance, I texted a guy I had been seeing for a few weeks, “Let’s do something tonight” and he responded with “Do you want to?” Like, yes?? What kind of answer is that?! So the lack of constant texting actually takes a massive headache off the table. The only reason I am even discussing this is because after a dinner with a friend, she was shook that my boo thang didn’t call or text during the entire 75 minutes of dinner. I was not shook at all because I’ve had English Lit classes longer than that, but she thought it was so weird that she warned me to “watch out for this one.” Okay, mom, I shall. But Dr. Taitz says, “I highly recommend against texting all day because it can definitely create false feelings and a false sense of intimacy. If you are confident that when you see each other you will talk and catch up, you don’t need to have that insecure attachment to texting.” Brilliant.

The bottom line is that only you and the other person in the relationship are the ones who can take the temperature of the situation. So even if your friends have been in really similar situations, your friends and their SOs aren’t you and yours, so you can’t really listen to them. Of course, some things can seem like a red flag and others a green light, which makes the situation slightly easier to navigate, but until the “what are we?” conversation is had, the only thing we can do is know what we know, which is usually not enough to make any accurate predictions about where it’s going and what it all means.

Images: Unsplash; Giphy (3)

Read more: https://www.betches.com

[relationshipadviser-blog]

Relationship Myths Debunked by a professional to calm your woes

New Post has been published on https://relationshipqia.com/must-see/relationship-myths-debunked-by-a-professional-to-calm-your-woes/

Relationship Myths Debunked by a professional to calm your woes

Unless you met your significant other in high school, dating is really hard and anxiety-inducing for, like, every moment until you are officially in a relationship (and then that’s where the real work starts). Even God’s gift to humanity, Serena van der Woodsen, struggled on the dating scene, which is truly troubling for normal people. Yes, I am aware that SVDW is a fictional character, but even Blake Lively had to swim through a sea of Kelly Blatz’s and Penn Badgley’s before finding Ryan Reynolds. I guess the only upside to having no idea what is happening in my love life is that I have at least one thing in common with Blake Lively—kind of. Don’t ruin this for me.

So, I met someone a little over a month ago who checks all of my boxes, and even though my therapist and Hannah Montana both say nobody’s perfect, this guy is pretty damn close. Except for one thing: We don’t hang out more than like, once a week, which I didn’t realize was an issue until one of my happily married friends forced her unsolicited opinion on me shared her concerns with me. Since then, I have not been able to stop thinking about where this relationship (can I even call it that?) is heading, if anywhere. Have I been so burned by former boyfriends that my bar is set unreasonably low, or am I so smitten that I can’t see an obvious red flag? So like any neurotic New Yorker, I took to the experts and consulted Dr. Jenny Taitz, a clinical psychologist and author of How To Be Single and Happy, to make me feel better and debunk a few common misconceptions about dating.  

If You Aren’t Hanging Out Multiple Times A Week Within The First Month, You’re Doomed

So this is obviously what initiated my downward spiral line of questioning, and I was very eager to hear a professional’s opinion on the matter. Here’s what Dr. Taitz had to say: “It’s not about quantity; it’s about quality. If you’re seeing each other once a week and spending four or five hours on a Saturday actually talking about real things, rather than meeting up at like, midnight, it’s not a bad sign.” And, as much as I hate to admit that anyone aside from myself is right, she has a point. For instance, I used hang out with my FWB like three nights a week, which was both great and horrible. It was nice because we got to see a lot of each other, which is more than I can say about the current guy I’m seeing, but all FWB and I did together was the old school definition of Netflix and Chill and then the ~relationship~ just kind of shriveled up and died. Welp.

So this horrendous experience is shedding some light on my current situation: I have to (slightly) rely on positive and negative indicators for answers about his feelings for me or where he sees us going. As cliche as it is to admit, trusting your gut is usually the right thing to do, and I def knew that FWB wasn’t going to pan out. If he’s showing you zero signs of wanting to be your boyfriend at some point in the future, chances are, he won’t be.

If You Can’t Sleep At His Apartment, You’re Not Comfortable With Him

If there is something more intimate than sleeping next to someone, LMK. Honestly, I have been told I’m low-maintenance to sleep next to because I don’t really move or make sound other than quiet breathing, which is prob better than absolute silence (creepy). Anyway, even though I’m a pretty easy bedmate, I still get so insecure sleeping next to someone until I feel absolutely comfortable with him. For instance, Mr. Almost Perfect loves to snuggle, which is adorable and sweet, but after a few hours, half my body is numb and I need to switch positions, but I can’t because I don’t want to wake him up so I just lay there in agony waiting for him to roll over on his own. Look, I’ve had plenty of sleepovers with my girlfriends and if they unconsciously make their way onto my side, I have zero issue waking their asses up and delivering them back to their side. So why can’t I do that with a guy I’m seeing? Am I becoming a nice person who’s concerned about the wellbeing and restfulness of others? Doubtful, but Dr. Taitz says, “There are a lot of reasons why people can’t sleep. Sometimes people can’t sleep because they’re excited. It doesn’t necessarily have to do with physical or mental comfort.” As someone who can fall asleep literally anywhere, I was getting a little worried about what my restless nights in Bushwick (I know) might signal for my not-yet-relationship, but I feel a bit better now!

If You’re Affectionate Towards Each Other, The Relationship Is Just Physical

To clarify, I hate PDA more than I hate most things in this world. However, little things like holding my excessively clammy hand, putting your arm around me, or letting me have the first bite of whatever dessert we’re “sharing” make me happy. And in any given relationship, I am the affectionate one, which is totally fine with me, but Mr. Almost Perfect is also super warm and mushy, which is confusing to me! Is he being so touchy and sweet in response to me acting that way or is he just like that? Dr. Taitz says, “Touching is a good example of showing closeness, and being affectionate through touch is never a bad thing.” Generally, trust your gut. If it feels sweet and genuine, it probably is. Plus, there’s generally no sh*tty and disappointing meaning to an innocent hand hold.

However, if his hand always manages to find its way to your butt, well, hopefully you know what that means. Lastly, Dr. Taitz admits, “It’s really fascinating how our mind tries to undermine our joy and replace closeness with worry.” That’s literally what I am doing right now. Lastly, “You should ask yourself what you have in common besides the physical touch, because I’m sure if you want to touch someone, there’s something that’s attracting you well beyond the physical.” There is, there def is.

If You Don’t Like His Friends, You Eventually Won’t Like Him

Dr. Taitz says, “It’s safe to say he’s probably not a clone of his friends. We need to be okay with the element of uncertainty and not knowing everything we would want to know right away.” Hopefully, I’ll find out soon what the deal with his friends is, but people’s friends are not always a mirror reflection of who they are. I have a friend who knows more about what’s happening in Washington than Trump does, which honestly isn’t saying much, but he likes to bring politics into every conversation he has and it’s as annoying as it seems, if not more so. I have another friend who is like, an actual drama magnet, and seeing her is more exhausting than a SoulCycle class on a Sunday morning. But I love them and, needless to say, they aren’t shedding any negative light on my personality or self because they are the way they are, but more importantly, I am not them. Yes, sometimes “you are the company you keep” can ring true, but other times it just doesn’t—you can’t tell without getting to know the person.

If You Aren’t Texting All Day Every Day, The Communication Needs Work

Nothing bugs me more than when someone texts me “Hey, what’s up?” Like, are we supposed to have a full-fledged convo via text right now? The only reasons I text someone are when something very specific to that person just happened or if we making plans. Mr. Almost Perfect is the same way, so when we aren’t together, we aren’t really texting, like, ever. Every now and then we will say something stupid to check in and make sure the other is still alive, but we are definitely not those people who are constantly, like, tagging each other in vague memes and saying goodnight with kissy face emojis on the daily. No judgment if that’s your vibe, but gross. I kind of like it this way because I will never read into a text or lack thereof. Do you know how stressed out I used to get trying to decipher the convoluted and hidden messages buried in texts of past boyfriends? For instance, I texted a guy I had been seeing for a few weeks, “Let’s do something tonight” and he responded with “Do you want to?” Like, yes?? What kind of answer is that?! So the lack of constant texting actually takes a massive headache off the table. The only reason I am even discussing this is because after a dinner with a friend, she was shook that my boo thang didn’t call or text during the entire 75 minutes of dinner. I was not shook at all because I’ve had English Lit classes longer than that, but she thought it was so weird that she warned me to “watch out for this one.” Okay, mom, I shall. But Dr. Taitz says, “I highly recommend against texting all day because it can definitely create false feelings and a false sense of intimacy. If you are confident that when you see each other you will talk and catch up, you don’t need to have that insecure attachment to texting.” Brilliant.

The bottom line is that only you and the other person in the relationship are the ones who can take the temperature of the situation. So even if your friends have been in really similar situations, your friends and their SOs aren’t you and yours, so you can’t really listen to them. Of course, some things can seem like a red flag and others a green light, which makes the situation slightly easier to navigate, but until the “what are we?” conversation is had, the only thing we can do is know what we know, which is usually not enough to make any accurate predictions about where it’s going and what it all means.

Images: Unsplash; Giphy (3)

Read more: https://www.betches.com

[ahmerjohnny-blog]

Attitude Quotes And Status (Latest Collection)

https://www.aswadwrites.in/attitude-quotes-and-status/

Attitude Quotes And Status (Latest Collection)

Attitude Quotes

A style is a reflection of your attitude and your personality. If you don’t like something, change it. I believe if you keep your faith, you keep your trust, you keep the right attitude, if you’re grateful, you’ll see God open up new doors. A positive attitude quotes can really make dreams come true – it did for me.

Attitude. Being sexy is all about attitude, not body type. People may hear your words, but they feel your attitude. Adopting the right attitude can convert a negative stress into a positive one. Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference. Each day, I come in with a positive attitude, trying to get better.

Read This:

A list of the best attitude quotes and sayings, including the names of each speaker or author when available. This list is sorted by popularity, so only the most famous attitude quotes are at the top. The authors of these historic attitude quotes are displayed next to each quote, so if you see one you like be sure to check out other inspirational attitude quotes from that same writer.

This list answers the questions, “What are the best quotes about attitude?” and “What are inspirational attitude quotes?” This list includes notable attitude quotes by various authors, writers, playwrights, speakers, politicians, athletes, poets, and more. Vote on your favorites so that the greatest attitude quotes rise to the top, as the order of the list changes dynamically based on votes. Don’t let your favorite attitude sayings get to the bottom of the list.

Best Attitude Quotes Collection

“How we think shows through in how we act. Attitudes are mirrors of the mind. They reflect thinking.”

“Ability is what you’re capable of doing. Motivation determines what you do. Attitude determines how well you do it.”

“I am a part of all that I have met.”

“Attitude is a choice. Happiness is a choice. Optimism is a choice. Kindness is a choice. Giving is a choice. Respect is a choice. Whatever choice you make makes you. Choose wisely.”

“If you have a dream, don’t just sit there. Gather courage to believe that you can succeed and leave no stone unturned to make it a reality.”

“Be an independent thinker at all times, and ignore anyone who attempts to define you in a limiting way.”If you build the guts to do something, anything, then you better save enough to face the consequences.”

“Keep a little fire burning; however small, however, hidden.”

“We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be.”

Top 150 Attitude Status Hindi Whatsapp 2018

“People may hear your words, but they feel your attitude.”

“Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude.”

“It is our attitude at the beginning of a difficult task which, more than anything else, will affect Its successful outcome.”

“I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances.”

“A ‘positive attitude’ is definitely one of the keys to success. My definition of a positive attitude is a simple one: Looking for the good in all circumstances.”

Attitude Quotes For Boys

Never bend your head. Always hold it high. Look the world straight in the eye.

ATTITUDE is everything.

Follow your heart but don’t be stupid.

The best thing about being me, I’m a limited edition and there are no other copies!

Mistakes are proof that you’re trying.

I love my job only when I’m on vacation.

Fashion is something that comes from within you.

I never make the same mistake twice. I make it five or six times, just to be sure.

My parents should be proud of me because I’m addicted to Facebook, not to Drugs!

I always dream of being a millionaire like my uncle…He’s dreaming too.

Phones are better than girlfriends, at least we can switch off.

My words are like a china phone. They have no guarantee!

Top 100+ Attitude Status for Whatsapp

Dream big and dare to fail.

I love to walk in the fog because nobody knows I’m smoking.

I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people.

Not all men are fools, some stay bachelor.

I might not be someone’s first choice, but I am a great choice. I don’t pretend to be someone I’m not because I’m good at being me. However, I might not be proud of some of the things I’ve done in the past, but I’m proud of who I am today. I may not be perfect, but I don’t need to be. I am the way God made me. Take me as I am or watch me as I walk away.

Love me or hate me I’m still gonna shine.

There can be no positive result through negative attitude. Think positive. Live positive.

Like me for who I am and not for who you want me to be. Take it or leave it. That simple.

Attitude Quotes For Girls

I am so damn poor that I cannot even afford to pay attention to stupid people.

If you want a girl to treat you like a King you have to make her a Queen first.

Honest girlfriends are rare to find, hard to be abandoned and impossible to forget.

The saying “Behind a successful man is a surprised woman.” is quite wrong; so I corrected it and made it “Behind a successful man is a supportive and smart woman.”

Rivals of a jealous boy come and go but rivals of jealous woman remain and continue to build up.

A woman can deal the unbearable stress and lift heavy burdens. She gives her sweetest smile even if she feels like screaming and she sings in an angelic voice when she feels like crying. Tears fell from her eyes when she is happy and laugh when she is scared. Her love is priceless and unconditional. There is only one thing wrong with her; she always forgets what she is worth.

50+ Best Whatsapp Status 2018

Never ever dare to underestimate the power of a woman’s intuition and instinct. She can recognize a game before you even play it.

A little black dress is one of the girl’s best friends.

I am smart, I am lovely, I am strong and I am enough.

The greatest thing a woman can do is to love herself, be herself and shine amongst those who never believed that she could.

If you want to have a good body then stop wishing for you to magically have it. Work hard for it.

Every time you put yourself down, you are causing damage to your confidence to try harder not to.

Do whatever makes you happy so that you will not have any regrets on your deathbed.

Attitude Quotes For Facebook Status

“I don’t hate Peoples, I just love Peoples who love me.”

“A bad attitude is plane tire if you not change it you can never think positive!”

“I am not a special Person, But I am just limited edition.”

“Stop checking my Status, Go and love your Girlfriend”

“Life is too short Don’t waste it updating status!”

“Status Unavailable! Check Later!…” “I’m not insulting you. I’m describing you.”

 “Be happy and smile when you’re around people who hate you. Your happiness will kill them.”

 “People always say that nothing is impossible. That’s not true. I do nothing every single day.”

 “I was cool – until global warming made me hot.”

 “No positive results can come from negative attitudes. Always think positive and always live positive.”

 “Love me for who I am – not what you want me to be. Take me or leave me. It’s that simple.”

 “If you face the sun, you’ll never see your shadow.”

 “Look – I’m only responsible for the words that come out of my mouth. I’m not responsible for you not understanding them.”

 “I really don’t care what you think about me. Unless you think I’m awesome. In that case – you’re totally right. Carry on!”

A positive attitude gives you power over your circumstances instead of your circumstances having power over you.

Always aim at complete harmony of thought and word and deed. Always aim at purifying your thoughts and everything will be well.

The greatest discovery of my generation is that a human being can alter his life by altering his attitude.

The funniest thing in class is when the teacher cracks a joke and no one laughs.

When your ex-asks if you can still be friends right after a breakup, it’s like having a kidnapper tell you to keep in touch.Bad Attitude Quotes

100+ Whatsapp Friendship Status

The soul does not absorb negativity by accident, always by choice.

Too many people miss the silver lining because they’re expecting gold.

If you are not enjoying the journey, you probably won’t enjoy the destination.

Unhappiness is best defined as the difference between our talents and our expectations.

To be wronged is nothing unless you continue to remember it.

Nothing is interesting if you’re not interested.

A bad attitude is like a flat tire. You can’t go anywhere until you change it.

“Protect your good image from the eyes of negative viewers, who may look at your good appearance with an ugly fiendish eye, and ruin your positive qualities with their chemical infested tongues.”

“It would be easy to become a victim of our circumstances and continue feeling sad, scared or angry; or instead, we could choose to deal with injustice humanely and break the chains of negative thoughts and energies, and not let ourselves sink into it.”

“A negative attitude drains, a positive attitude energizes.”

“You have the ability to control your thoughts.”

“There is too much negativity in the world. Do your best to make sure you aren’t contributing to it.”

“I’m half good and I’m half bad. My mama is a very good girl and my daddy is a very bad boy. And I guess that leaves me somewhere sort of…here.”

“You’re a bad girl, trying to force me over the edge But you don’t have to. I’m already there. I’m already lost in you.”

“A bad attitude can literally block love, blessings, and destiny of finding you.”

Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.

Attitude Quotes For Whatsapp

Being this fabulous is a full-time job.

I’m afflicted with Awesome. There’s no curing it.

You can merely hope to be me.

Of course, I’m only pretending to like you.

Nice try, but you’re still not ME.

It would just be ‘awesome’ without ME.

I hate it when I’m hugging someone amazing and my face bangs into the mirror.

Of course, I’m odd. I’m Number One, you see.

I love you. But I love me more.

Diplomacy is for those who aren’t witty enough to be sarcastic.

Sugar coating just ain’t my style.

If I don’t remember it, it didn’t happen.

Don’t know. Don’t care. Never will.

Well, hello there WhatsApp stalker! How go the frequent status checks?

I really am ruggedly handsome, aren’t I?

Best Collection of Shayari

I solemnly swear I’m the best!

It ain’t happy if it’s not my birthday.

You make it difficult for me to be nice.

An ugly personality destroys a pretty face.

I don’t need to explain myself because I know I’m right.

If people are trying to bring you ‘Down’. It only means that you are ‘Above them’.

When you care about someone, their happiness matters more than yours…!!

Beauty is like Moon, looks much better at Night…

The greatest pleasure in life is doing the things, people say you can’t

The only disability in life is a bad attitude.

Life will give you exactly what you need, not what you want

The biggest slap to your enemies is your success.

Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude.

I don’t have time to hate people, who hate me. Because I’m too busy in loving people who love me.

Attitude Quotes In Hindi

सही को सही और गलत को गलत कहने की हिम्मत रखता हूँ… इसीलिए आजकल रिश्ते कम रखता हूँ 😏

मयखाने का दौर गया जनाब ! लहू का दौर चल रहा है …..😎 😏

attitude का वो नशा चढ़ा है मुझपर जो ना उतरेगा , शख़्सियत भले ही मिट जाए पर ये बन्दा किसी के आगे नहीं झुकेगा 😎😎

दिलों में मतलब और ज़ुबान से प्यार करते हैं, बहुत से लोग दुनिया में यही कारोबार करते हैं 😏 😏

ज़रा सी कोशिश करूँ तो मेरी उमीदों को हौंसला मिले और ज़रा सा attitude में जीऊँ तो पता नहीं दुनिया क्यों मुझसे जले 😏 😎 😏

मेरा जो रुतबा कल था , वो आज भी है और कल भी रहेगा , कैलेंडर नहीं attitude है मेरा जो साल के साथ बदलता नहीं 😎😎

Heart Touching Sad Shayari For True Lovers

हमारा #Style और #Attitude ही कुछ #अलग है,

#बराबरी करोगे तो #बिक जाओगे

तेरी अकड़ की रस्सी जल जायेगी क्योंकि मेरी पकड़ में आग है.

जब तक आप ऑक्सीजन नहीं हैं, हां, मैं आपके साथ रह सकता हूं

जीवन हिट तुम मुश्किल लेकिन यह आपको तीन सेकंड लेता है अगर आप सुपरहीरो हैं या नहीं मैं हूँ ।

बदसूरत व्यक्तितव सुन्दर चहरे को नष्ट कर देता है।

उस लड़के को ढूंढो जो आपको अपने माता-पिता से मिलने के लिए घर ले जाएगा, न कि उनके बेडरूम

लड़के के 80% लड़कियों के दोस्त हैं .. सबसे कम 20% मस्तिष्क होने हैं 😉

मैं जीवन में एक बिंदु तक पहुंच गया हूं जहां मुझे लगता है कि किसी को भी कोशिश करने और प्रभावित करने की आवश्यकता नहीं है। यदि वे मुझे पसंद करते हैं, मैं अच्छा हूँ, और अगर वे नहीं करते, यह उनका नुकसान है

कुछ लोग इतने नकली हैं कि यदि आप ठीक से देख रहे हैं तो अपनी गर्दन के पीछे, आपको “मैड इन चाइना” कहकर एक टैग मिलेगा 😀

Quotes On Attitude And Love

“Our future cannot depend on the government alone. The ultimate solutions lie in the attitudes and the actions of the American people.”

“Some men have Hundreds of reasons why they cannot do what they want to when all they need is one reason why they can.”

“Always look at what you have left. Never look at what you have lost in Life.”

“I don’t have an attitude! I have a personality you can’t handle at all.”

Love is like war… Easy to start, difficult to finish and impossible to forget.

 The spaces between your fingers are meant to be filled with mine.

Love is like a bar of soap, once you think you have it, it slips away.

Somewhere there’s someone who dreams of your smile and finds in your presence that life is worthwhile, so when you are lonely remember it’s true somebody somewhere is thinking of you.

100+ Love Shayari for True Lovers

I m a puzzle, which u can’t solve

I don’t need to #show_off

Because they know what I’m and what I have.

Tom N Jerry taught me that life is boring….without ENEMY’S

No time for Fake and Negative People’s.

Take me as I am, not as you wish me to be.

I don’t wanna perfect life. I wanna happier life.

“Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it’s better to be absolutely ridiculous.”

“A girl should be two things: who and what she wants.”

“Don’t wish for a good body, work for it.”

“I am strong, I am beautiful, I am enough.”

“Who is a girl??? A girl is the most beautiful part of God’s creation. Respect every lady in your life. You will never know what she has sacrificed for you.”

“I am a crafty girl, I make things, lots of things.”

Related Posts 250+ Whatsapp Status 2018 in English Best One Line Short Status For Whatsapp 2018 Cute Love Status Quotes For Her 2018 Latest Collection of Love Status in English 20+ Beautiful Heart Touching Quotes Collection

  #WhatsappStatus #WhatsappLoveStatus #WhatsappSadStatus #LoveStatus #SadStatus #WhatsappStatusHindi #AttitudeStatusHindi #Shayari #LoveShayari #SadShayari #MeaningfulQuotes #EmotionalStatus

[peristeron]

so y’all its time for the rare “maybe i need to re-examine my dæmon form" time with mala, thoughts under the cut

right, so. for those not in the know, who happen to decided to poke into this out of curiousity — i use the dæmon forum’s methods, which are basically taking the whole thing as a personality typing dealio, for self-reflection and shit. for the past several years i’ve been solidly settled as a tawny frogmouth, and before that, before the shift in analysis style i was a palm cockatoo

BUT recently i’ve been noticing some thought patterns i think i’ve pretty much always had but never entirely paid much attention to or noticed, namely some stuff relating to being image-oriented, particularly when i’m actually dealing with conflicts and not running the fuck away or otherwise avoiding the shit out of them. this isn’t something i ever considered about myself because generally i hate the spotlight and am so conflict-avoidant that the competitiveness that almost always goes along with being image-oriented doesn’t fit me At All

however

i’ve been noticing as a pattern through the past few months just how much i am Deeply Concerned with how things will Look, even when i feel generally past the point of going through the motions/playing the social game/doing my usual sugarcoating that is a lot more purposeful and careful than it probably seems. i Care about how i’m going to look to a theoretical Audience, to the point that it will utterly stress me out in some environments to the point of turning into a slug (see: dreamwidth). i want to make sure my shit is water-tight, i want to make sure that i come out looking Good. which, given internet culture (and especially dreamwidth and tumblr cultures), makes sense, especially for someone whose brain spends 75% of its activity centered on Avoiding Stress/Conflict/Unpleasant Things. if facing something Unpleasant and actively getting involved, it makes sense to not want things to get More Unpleasant due to one’s own phrasing or actions, etc.

anyway

one of my biggest problems with form finding, right, is that my cognitive functions are INFJ and my enneagram is 6w7. that isn’t a combination that’s very common and, from what i can tell, is viewed as kind of weird. i’ve re-examined both of these things (bc i try to avoid quizzes with personality typings and instead try and figure out how the systems work to pick The Most Accurate One, bc im that nerd), and i’m pretty heckin solid on it. but because its an uncommon and weird combo, it can make form finding difficult — bc finding an analysis that has the right combination of weird INFJ/6w7 traits is ............ yeah

NOW FINALLY ON TO THE GOOD SHIT

so i’m poking around on the spreadsheet, bc i know it isnt infallible but its a handy resource to get started with, and i keep pulling up things that are absolute duds. and then im like, “coyote, sure, lets just fuckin look” bc its listed as infj and 6. the analysis linked to that needs some editing, but doesn’t seem egregiously wrong and ... weirdly ... fits more than i expected. so out of curiousity, i popped over to the other two coyote analyses, both of which were written by forum analysis experts

and i stare. because this is............ hmm. it isnt a Perfect Fit, at least i dont think so, but its............... its more on point than i really expected. wtf. the other analysis doesn’t fit nearly as well, which i wonder how much of that is really down to differing interpretations or if it’s because of............. something else idk, but ironically that’s the one that has infj listed in the coyote’s possible mbti. this one doesn’t, but is more accurate to me. /scratches head

this is just So Weird to me bc i’d largely like. not........... considered a canine for myself before, not seriously, not since i got started and went through the “Maybe I’m A Wolf” phase. i’ve been birds for the longest time. but the birds that worked for me before (tawny frogmouth, mourning dove, though that second one fit a lot less closely) are distinctly missing the image-oriented stuff. and the bird analyses i know that definitely do center on it too much. so looking outside of birds, let alone finding one that fits as well as that coyote analysis, is just.................. Weird. it feels so Weird

it even nails something that, like. i never looked too closely in regards to myself bc i didnt like it:

¤ Possessive (revisited) Only some coyotes are territorial year round, but all are territorial during breeding season. Although there's not a lot of information out there on the subject, it appears that coyotes are territorial of the core 10% of their territory year round (usually where the den is located). How aggressively a coyote defends its territory will depend on available resources. In times of plenty, they're more lax; when food is scarce, they're less welcoming. Similarly, coyote people are not Possessive with a capital P, but they are possessive of things they see as uncommon or unique to them. The more obscure the interest or thing, the more possessive they are. Finding someone who shares these interests makes them feel like their individuality is being threatened. In contrast, when something is really popular or common, they don't expect it to be "their" thing and aren't upset by others embracing it. Basically, you could call them conditionally possessive.

SWEATS..................... LOUDLY. i. yeah. this is a kneejerk reaction i have. its not as uniform/regular/predictable as that, and i really need to pay more attention to that feeling and analyze it more when it happens, but i uh. sometimes........... i......... yeah

like. typically, i am not a jealous person. 97% of the time, i dont get jealous about my relationships, to the point that polyamory is a very real possibility for me and has been a thing for me in the past. but occasionally. occasionally. i’ll get... possessive a bit. and a bit jealous, wanting to helicopter and wanting to demand All The Person’s Time, No, Play With Meeeeeeee. i dont let myself do this, ever, because i know its Bad and it feels extremely uncomfortable to feel it to begin with. and there are some things i’ll get weirdly possessive about, usually more along the route of ideas kinda thing. i get the whole insecurity about “if this other person does the thing, then everyone’s going to like them more than me, and no one will like me any more because that person is better than me.” which is bullshit but i haven’t figured out how to bury it yet

squints off............... also i wanna talk about this:

¤ Competitive  ... Coyote people are competitive by nature. They want to succeed and have trouble enjoying themselves if they're losing or struggling. This might cause them to drop activities they find difficult while focusing on what they're good at. They have a habit of comparing their achievements to their peers', which can lead to motivation or jealousy. They want to be the best in their field (or at least feel comfortable with their status), and they'll do what they can to stay there.

again, like i said earlier — being competitive isn’t something i typically consider a trait i have. i dont like conflict, competition feels way too much like conflict to me, i dont like negative attention, etc. ..................... but. b u t. the way this is phrased here? the bolded shit? which is pretty much the entire thing? y...eah. this hits it right on the fuckin head for me. i avoid competition because i hate losing and dont trust my reactions when im not doing well in a competition situation. i avoid things i’m bad at for the same reason (and bc feeling like a failure, bad thought spirals, perfectionism (which is also a trait in this analysis), etc). and, here’s the kicker, even if i’m not participating in something competitive at all, i’m still constantly comparing myself to other people, esp other people who are doing similar things to me (such as, say, role-playing courier six, the most open-ended player character in the bethesda fallouts and thus why am i comparing my OC to other OCs that’s fucking stupid). i may not feel like i want to be The Best One (is that bc i have no ambition/drive, which is a thing, or is it bc i have a huge amount of self-worth problems and therefore can’t imagine myself as being The Best and besides i wouldn’t want that pressure to be and stay The Best) — but i want to feel comfortable and safe in a status of being One Of The Better Ones, or even just One Of The Good Ones. and i want to maintain that status because i hate change (even if i can deal with it after some adjusting)

again — all of this is shit i’ve never wanted to really look too closely at or even admit too much, but it’s been there for a very long time, so its not like i’m magically developing this. its just............. that i’ve ignored it. and now im starting to be more honest with myself about it and its raising a lot of questions

anyway i may not be a goofy af looking bird guys i may be a clumsy, goofy coyote. ???????????????????????????????????

[mbrl]

a giant update!

 posted first here bc yolo

roadmap-

the stuff i bought from forever 21 today c:

other stuff i did today!

closing the chapter to january (the worst month i’ve had to deal with for awhile?)

things i look forward to in the future: march, april, may, summer.

oh my god i got really cute things from forever 21!! finally ordered a white/light grey windbreaker with swordfish pattern all over it for $20. also got white dolphin shorts (like dolphin style, not literal dolphins) with rainbow stripes on the side. and a dark-ish pink/blush off the shoulder dress with ties on the arm.. it’s kind of weird but was on sale for valentines day & idk how off the shoulder styles look on me... we’ll see ig! it’s really cute and flowy. and another dress, but maroon and long sleeve and floral, kind of in a baby doll fit. it’s lowkey mockneck so the reviews are like help i can’t fit my head through but .. hopefully it fits! there’s some really small lace parts on the sleeve :). and a white flowy vneck top with a bunch of pink flowers on it and a tie in the front. bell-ish sleeves with lace on the upper shoulders and parts of the back! oo and a light weight grey hoodie with kinda cheesy but still cool cool-toned floral embroidery on the hood. it’s p unique but the quality probably sucks and isn’t soft. lastly a peach mid-maxi skirt that has some sheer parts for the bottom half!! it’s like those ballet rehearsal skirts style. 

okay clearly i really like dresses and i think i’m going to start wearing more pink/color because i’m totally over winter in general and how drab that season is. honestly just light warm colors that kind of are reminiscent of furniture fabric/granny aesthetic is totally my vibe. like i want to look like i don’t give a fuck, but not in an emo way but more in a.... idk. i actually don’t know how to explicate my vibe but its like laid back and californian and whatever. hypebeast/grandma/passionate napper/hiker/couch appearance :) also i’m really happy to just sorta word dump and get my thoughts out again because they’re finally good vibes and i feel super excited to share it with my ... laptop screen & whoever’s reading! like getting outta funks is so nice and lowkey reminiscent of a few months ago when i finally got over this stupid boy

anyway okay. today i woke up at 9-10ish because i slept at 3am yesterday :( i felt really weird (ig you can describe as anxious) because of something i did, and i tried to do that thing where i imagined trump spouting all the self hate/angsty vibes i was telling myself, but i didn’t really purge the angst all that much. also i had taken a nap after school + drank boba the day before... (and 2 days before then i slept at 2 bc i had half a cup of green tea in the evening...) also i got angry at myself that i couldn’t sleep because it’s just annoying. it’s 12 am right now and i didn’t take any naps today but i’ll definitely be content & ready to sleep after i right this. so after i woke up, i spent like a few hours cleaning out my room-- i fixed the organization of my desk drawers so it could be more efficient and less cluttered. also the night before when i couldn’t sleep, i hung up all my clothes so that was nice. then in the early afternoon, i finished math hw (literally had 2 problems left, one of which i didn’t know how to do....) and did some japan bowl studying! i also started chatting hella people to ask for interest regarding a possible speaker event that intersections (my social justice club) is hosting... it’s about asian american health disparities, so i got 9 total clubs interested??? now i gotta email the presenter to update them but i’ll do that tomorrow. then from 3-5pm i had a really fun japan bowl meeting that was super untoxic and just productive. this year we have less frequent meetings, but i think we spend the biweekly meetings with... healthier vibes. it’s a lot more fun, and honestly no amount of shame expedites self-studying better than just having a safe and nice environment. we did some practice rounds & i knew the answers to some questions!!! it was fun. i’ll definitely be studying more ahahah this week’s meeting was kind of a throw away but it was good bonding? we also did reading practice.

then i went on tumblr/online shopped/youtubed for 2 hours or smtg..then finished bio hw (3 sections of notes!!!!) while watching gaming streams after eating dinner. then chilled and took a shower, went on tumblr some more, and here i am now! i feel like i didn’t do much but whatever. it’s okay to be leisurely and like.. i just have a worksheet for aplac and a few emails to write tmrw, and i guess that’s it? chill weekend.

okay queue the giant cbt paragraphs:

january was a giant mess mainly because of tasp application... it’s hard for me to take the experiences that i know are invaluable in building my character, and trying to relay that in a effective, understandable way. it made me feel secure because it was almost like i was selling myself/commodifying my experiences, but i was doing it in the course of a 3-4 weeks. it was annoying when i got the diction and syntax just how i wanted it, only for my editor to be like no this is weird. it’s weird to have someone who doesn’t know you try to word your experiences and push you into a template. thank god said editor actually got fired and isn’t my college counselor-- now i have this really tall and goofy friendly white guy (who majored in sociology so you can imagine he’s not the typical yt).

another thing was just friend stuff, but not in a way that points a finger specifically to anyone, it’s just... junior year will literally suck the life out of people and push them to extremes. for me, when i needed support from my friends, it’s not like i could receive it-- partly this is just normal though because normally i don’t confide in them anyway because my life is pretty easy anyway. most of the time/100% of the time i’m initiating the how-are-you type thing and listening to rants and giving advice or playing devil’s advocate or trying to empathize and validate. and when i needed someone to do that for me, i didn’t know how to ask for it? and my friends wouldn’t have the capacity to care for me bc i don’t think they actually know the background of my problems that well. i mean only i really know that and that’s fine bc it’s not really practical for other people to take the time to (1) understand and, (2) care... also it’s not worth it to me to expend the emotional labor explaining to someone. so this really isn’t to sound self sacrificing, it’s just that i consciously don’t expect my friends to be my therapist, but since i have amateur skills & pretty decent emotional intelligence, i’m glad to take that role for my friends. this just blows up in my face every once in awhile when my own problems resurface or smtg and i just turn inward and whatever. thank god it’s over!!! that was basically my january.

someone i kinda know also had something really egregious happen to them. and i can’t talk about it bc i’m making this post public bc i want a record of this on my studyblr blog. anyway i was alone in helping this person with the egregious thing because it’s not the kind of thing i can share (it’s not my story) and also sharing the information can force people to do things that ... wouldn’t be favorable. the stress from that time made me really upset for a few days and i was so angry that the egregious thing even happened, and i’m definitely not the person to get angry.

also had to get my physical for track from this gross pervert of a doctor who uses a stethoscope to touch breasts :\ and i felt really disgusting and gross and it happened and just yuck so cringe ijaijsf don’t wnat to talk about it

ugh okay another thing that i recently came to realize is that fat is really underrated in attractiveness because flab plausibly makes for super comfortable cuddling? basically other than in the context of a fatphobic society (and this isn’t to thin shame), there’s nothing definitively more beautiful about sharp angles or hard muscles compared to soft curves? someone i sit next to in a class wears hoodies and sweatpants almost everyday and they just look like a pillow/perfect big spoon. okay but at the same time food angst and body image stuff is lowkey resurfacing, but in a really lowkey way against myself :(. part of the reason why i got angry last night at myself was because i didn’t like how i drank boba at such a late time, and how i was basically on a sugar high at 2am. so i’m trying to limit my processed food intake as a means of control. i’m pretty safe from relapsing into fullblown AN but a lot of shame associated with certain foods is still there. also i still dislike my thighs and back flab and i didn’t run hard enough to be ready for track and i feel really out of shape :(

a few days ago i went volunteering and was utterly exhausted and not in the mood of being understanding. i don’t think i was being impatient, but i was being more curt than usual when working with somebody. i was really annoyed and dwelling on my irritation and letting it consume me. on the car ride home, i was thinking through all the reasons why i could be so pissy, so i had to think through all this angst and grossness in january. i was always hoping that i was just pmsing when i was feeling especially down during that month, but i think the stress made me skip that month :\ so idk where my period or pms went but goddamn ig i was just especially moody that month if hormones can’t explain it lol

during january, intersections was passed and that was such a big victory. but i didn’t really care about it. i honestly didn’t even want to do anything for it or hope that i’d go well. part of insecurity for me is that i doubt myself so much (sUBCONSCIOUSLY, which is especially annoying bc idk what i actually feel half the time) that i get frustrated easily.

but the stress of the summer app and distancing myself from the stressful things has allowed me to recover, and i’m really happy and my normal self (which i’m really happy about!!!) i’ve literally been writing for 40 min so i’m going to start doing lists for the remaining stuff i said i’d write about

things i look forward to!

feb: planning for intersections, week of break = cramming for jbowl, light school work load

march: starting my club, leadership conference i’m part of, almost time for jbowl

april: jbowl!, spring break, api healthcare disparities presentation?

may: giant speaker event with an alumnus possibly?

summer: lead a free program for low income students around where i live? there’s a lotta red tape and logistics that come with this one though... will be thinking about it for a long time.

okay i’m sleepy bye