#Ive been crying all day because of this
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the mighty nein - critical role
this is a place where i don't feel alone.
this is a place where i feel at home.
#also with softer vibes. i offer They#every silly little brainheart found family deserves a to build a home edit#the mighty nein maybe most of all. thats my family#also the lyrics deliciously well suited to m9.#when jester pulls that. stupid tarot card for fjord. home or traveler. and there's a carnival wagon. and veth says Thats Us! . them#i just think about . the tower is their home the xhorhouse is their home the lavish chateau is their home the balleater. the mistake.#the nein heroez. veth and yezas apartment. the dome. fjord and jesters living room floor.#a bar with a silly name on rumblecusp#also like. the song has stone and dust imagery. gardens and trees.#the inherent temporality of life and love and how that holds no bearing on how greatly people can love. im losin it okay.#ive been making this edit for days straight with my computer screaming at me for trying to shove 143 episodes of cr into a 2min20sec video.#crying becuase. theyre a family do you get it. they were nine lonely people and most of them had given up on seeing their own lives#as something that might be good. something that might make the world a better place. and in the end they're heroes.#and it doesn't matter if no one else knows because They know they're heroes. and they wouldn't've believed that was true when they met.#rattling the bars of my enclosure. to be loved is to be changed#posted on twitter and want to get in the habit of posting here too bc.#general reasons but also bc . i have noticed some of the ppl liking/sharing it are also ppl who shit on my ops by vaguing about my posts#which is in general whatever but does leave a funny taste in my mouth.#critical role#the mighty nein#cr2#caleb widogast#caduceus clay#jester lavorre#fjord#veth brenatto#yasha nydoorin#beauregard lionett#mollymauk tealeaf#my posts
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posting this right before i sleep so that i can forget my embarrassments
mortifying nakeder version
#''SAM i think youre overreacting'' im purging the demons that resided in me since catholic school. leave me be#anyway recently ive been getting compositions beamed into my head but not a reason WHY.#so ive been working to try and finish at least one a day but this is actually kind of insane ridiculous now that i think about it#but this doesnt matter because i hate having too many WIPS im finishing them all anyway#a lot of them are half naked. again this is a cry for help#pyrrha dve#paul the sixth#paul tlt#pyrpaul#paulha#the locked tomb#nona the ninth#partial nudity#nudity#dudele
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originnssssss who remembers origins i Loved origins
Lowkey i ate with rhis actually no i didn't i ate wirh rhat ENDER EYE Why is it so rendered Hello
IGNORW RHEIR UGLY UGLY DESIGNS This was before they switched to their iconic Skins past e didn't know......
#loosely based off of this old thing it's under the Cut#origins smp#beeduo#beeduo fanart#idk what other tags to put i cant put C because this isn't C this is O..... but like do people even check those tags idk#actually no im scared i heard theres been like three failed origins revivals i dont want to interfere with their character ecosystem i was#only there for the first one😅#i rewatched some origins streams a little while ago oh my god theyre SO FUNNY#DUDE DOES ANUONE REMMEBER THAT ONE STREAM I COUDLNT FIND RHIS ONE STREAM#IR EAS LIKE THE ONE WHERE TUBBO WAS SINGING SUGAR BY MAROON FIVE thats all i remmeber ANF ALSO RNE can i call you senpaaiiii bit thay shit h#ad me CRYING in 2021 Please i swear this happened imnot crazy but also they might have been separate streams actuallu i dont rememebr its#been wayyyyyyy too long#BUT IT HAPPENED I PROMISE Sorry i've been gone for a while ive been very busy lots of Things going on went to Six flags then jad a surprise#bday party then i had to buy shoes for prom then Go to prom and also i do figure skating and am out like every day idknt have Time im sorry☹#had a crepe yesterday it was sooooo goood im like learning to drive too that shit is boring as hell my dad kept gettign 😑 bc i couldn't stop#yawning DRIVING IS SO BORING its not my fault😭😭😭😭#ok what else ohhhh. y god i locked in SO HARD for this physics essay u guys dont even knowim getting ONE HUNDRED on that trust i just really#wanted to share ok i love you bge#WAIT ACTUALLT SORRU IM LIKE REMMEBERJNG THE ORIGINS STREAMS K WAYCHED#RANBOO WAS SO FUCKING FUNNT IN THOSE STREAMS TOO LIKE I REMEMBER NIKI WANTED TO SEE THEIR BASE and tubbo was like ooh maybe we can put like#water down here for you niki we need a water system and ranwas like Do we though?I WAD WAYCHING THAT .LIKE DAMMMNNNNNN OM LIKE GIGGLING WRIT#ING THIS RIGHT NOW I CAN HEARTHE CLIP HE DID NOTTT WANT HER IJNTHEIR BASE😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#I NEED TO FIDN THAT STREAM WHERE IRS LIKE TOMMY AND JACK A D FHEHRE LOKE TALKING ABOUT DUOS AND THEN JACK SAYS THE MOST OUT OF POCKET SHIT I#VE EVER HEARD LKKE I LITERALLU HAD TK PAUSE. H PHONE AND BURST OUR LAUHJIMG MY JAW WAS ON THE FLOORRRRR DO U GUYS R EME ER WTF IM TLAKING AB#OUT IDK HOW TO FIND THESE STREAMS Oh my god u really Had to be there early 2021 that was liye the funniest era of mt life i wlild be#Tearing up from lauhjimg every day I MISS WAYCHING STREAMS LIVE CHAT WAS SO FUNNY I wishe it was archivedI WISH MORE STREAMERS KEPT CHAT ON#SCREEN i defiently understand why most didn't like Wyd when chats annouing ad hell but also Me 3 years later is interested in what the pub#lic had to say.... ok Now bye
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procrastination is starting to have its consequences finally
#on my friends living room floor they love together but one of them has been london for weeks or maybe months#to be with her love. im on a foam mattress from one of their beds next to a glass bottle of water opened by one of them#in a mug given to me by another. the weather felt like my childhood today and it also felt like 2 years ago.#(put space in the heavens Einstein's idea and hes your friend too so nothing to fear) around the table they drank and laughed and i thought#i hope you keep growing so full with the love you receive . i hope your appetite becomes insatiable from how used to it you are#and i know youre all leaving soon but i hope one day you miss this and that youll be happy you miss it#its worth missing i think#i thought he didnt care but he said after exams hes going walk around this area over and over#(this is near where he lived and where we visited almost daily for a year)#(hed come across the bridge on a lake)#we went where she used to live and at the entrance a fox sat calmly. it just yawned and stared.#it felt important somehow. i think maybe their impressions of me will never be close to how i feel inside but i think#i love them enough for that not to matter. i dont think theyll ever know this. i dont think if they did it would change much.#and seeing them smile makes my heart glow anyway. today i tried their malaysian tea the ginger burned my throat#they warmed my heart. hes going to canada soon and hes going to the US soon and shes going everywhere soon ill never understand#how were supposed to live with memories and with seperation and with the past but we do it anyway so i think it doesnt matter much#i wanted to write a poem for the lab rats with the fibre optic wires lit with blue forcing them to turn around and around#something about how im sorry that the two photon arrays burned the inside of your brain. im sorry about the sharp points of multielectrode#arrayes. im sorry about everything we do to you. she asked to see me tomorrow. im trying to have self control but i miss her so awfully#last night my friend talked to me and i updated on everything that happened with love and the lack of it and she just started laughing#and she told me about the same thing from her side. and she told me about how she loved london because she would walk the streets#and she felt like the people were her. and her eyes would go over the people and the bag of bagels and the construction men they probably#have a kid at home maybe shes a daughter. this kid is crying for her mother and the building you just walked past caused#blisters and pain and people died in it and very likely people were born in it. we talked for hours and i felt like#i was holding her hand just like that time she held mine watching a horror film. i love her so much#my friend is a genius and i remember her picking up the charms of my phone and staring at the leaf hanging from them. shes side stepping to#music drinking dangerous cider and cocktails from a movie and chit chatting with billionaires and undergrads#i love her dearly. his head covered in electrodes. she tells me about a syrian guy shes in love with and she says#what you feel and what i feel is like cocaine. ive tried a lot of fucking cocaine.#she says ive reminded her of what living actually feels like and to never put energy into someone who doesnt see me this way.
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obviously wld do research and its not happening any time soon but how do u prepare to have a pet you've never had before...i kind of want a kitty one day but I've never had a kitty and only been around a very shy one (belonging to friend)
#this also implies ill decide to get a pet one day. not sure i will because they Die.#ive been crying about cookie's eventual death since we first got her idk if i could do all that again its exhausting#talkys
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#far cry 5#eden's gate#far cry five#joseph seed#john seed#faith seed#hope county#aaron kirby#charles lindsey#tracey lader#virgil minkler#earl whitehorse#why do i think charles joined up? he always vanishes from my game after the last jail battle#it weirded me out enough after my third playthrough to have to come up with a reason for it#and the idea that all the mannequins in Prosperity are corpses and not mannequins but the dep is too strung out to notice is a fun idea#virgil had both his wife and son leave his butt in the dust for a reason and i dont think its just because joseph has rizz#something is up there#literally no one claims to like that man and ive never met a politician who had a good relationship with their kids so it works#the sex pistols thing has been stuck in my head for days and i dont know why#i really cant explain that one#that mustache just screams 'i had a mohawk and a dream' to me#henbane river
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Fuck i cant stop thinking about Bobby leaving Richarlyson FUCK. Bobby knew lost, he lost Tilin and Juanaflippa before, one after the other and he never got to say goodbye to them. Im so so glad he managed to say some sort of goodbye to Richa before he had to go
#AND THEN CELLBIT LEAVING THE ROOM FOR A WHILE TO CRY QHILE LOOKING AT BOBBY'S MESSAGE FOR RICHA IM SO FUCKED UP BY THIS SERVER DUDE#ive been crying on and off all day because of bobby#fuck man#qsmp#paimon!speaks!
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Sketch Commission for @CastingEsuna on Twitter. Thank you so much! 💖🥰🥰
Instagram - instagram.com/coolnonsenseworld/
Shop - mmezzy.bigcartel.com
Ko-fi - ko-fi.com/coolnonsenseworld
Patreon - patreon.com/lmezzy
#lance mcclain#voltron lance#commission work#voltron legendary defender#woke up 5:37 to rain#so im here making a post now#right after asking if my sister is alive bc she wasnt home when i went to sleep like sure she is an adult#but adults get abducted too#those past two days ive been just making groceries and crying at the inflation#i also hot glue gunned a box for my drawer to keep the charms in and reorganized things !#first b3cause packing preorders will be much nicer now and second of all#im avoiding putting myself in a position where my brain can speak out loud when im under stress like shut the fuck up collect things into#boxes okay#oh have i told you i made list of reasons my mom called me lately?#accordingly it was because: someone died#then because she had a panic attack (she still doesn't call them that)#and then because my sister wasn't picking up#we ended up talking about taxes and an ongoing trial which was postponed from last year when my mom and grandmother didn't get there bc#they had a car accident#if this doesn't make you go 'lol' about life#i dont know what will#you just can't start thinking about it and have to draw beautiful Lance's that people commission from you look at him#and those shoulders trying to compensate that flat ass#i hope yall like him#😆#everyone is totally cool so far btw i hope it doesn't distress anyone HAVE A GOOD WEEKEND
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Since writing the affirmations and starting manifestation again, I've actually been in a much better headspace. It's crazy how things align, and you end up where you need to be, especially through pain
#txt#have been reading the affirmations every day twice a day sometimes#doing my intentions and manifesting what i wsnt#which is mainly independence#also a good relationship with my ex from here#mainly stuff for me tho#and the full moon on Wednesday which is in scorpio which is his sun sign#will be a big release and maybe i can let go a bit or a lot lol#i need to move on and focus on myself and what i want in life and doing it all on my own#with support obviously but ive never been fully independent and im so ready for the blessings and the open doors#i dont know if ill truly ever be over him but i have to try for my own sanity at this point#i dont want to manifest anything selfish like him coming back to me because it probably wont happen anyway lmao#i hope i dont sound crazy lmao but coming back into my spiritual journey is definitely what i need#connecting with myself and my purpose feels like the only thing i can do rn#have a driving lesson tomorrow but in all honesty i could just go do the test and pass cause ive been driving forever and im good at it#just need to practice certain things but im nearly there! so close i can feel it and see it#anyway i hope i can keep this energy up and continue to head in a positive direction because it feels really good#if i need to cry about him and the loss then i will but im not going to dwell on it too much#i just need to take it as a lesson and let it go :)#cause at the end of the day i really did lead myself here whether it was his choice to end it or not#blah
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...
#sorry im thinking abt death again#because it's weird to think that ive been in the room. maybe a meter away from someone as they died#that someone being my mom. its just weird. the time in the hospital feels like it happened in some dark little pocket universe detached from#time. a calm room and then the soft blips of a monitor then the nurse rushing in to say she'd passed#i dont kno y ppl use that phrase: passed on. i mean i do. it softens the topic. makes it sound peaceful. ive yet to use it. i just say she#died bc thats what happened. is that insensitive? i dunno. when i was home i realized that i come off as much stranger than i think. the way#my family see me doesnt fit how i see myself. i dont kno what to do with that. i dunno. theyre all together today#for an early easter. and im halfway across the country again. nose so stuffy ive had to mouth breathe for the last 3 days#and again. everything feels the same as it did before but also profoundly different. sometimes i cry in the mornings. or when i think abt#future vacations she wont be there for. bc in the end she quickly slipped away in a way that couldn't be described as peaceful until her#last half a day. and all i can think about in that tiny room is how scary it would be to lose control like that#and how its not fair and she didnt deserve to die only halfway through a lifetime. but its not about fair and its not about deserving.#sometimes bad things just happen. that's life. and now i own a book called motherless daughters. and now im standing with the countless#others who've lost their moms too early. ive already become aware of 3 ppl in my daily life who are in the same club#i keep thinking about this moment that happened between my parents at the hospital. apparently my dad was helping her get cleaned up and her#stomach was so bloated she looked like she had a bby in there. which my dad said. and my mom apparently said: but it's a baby no one want. i#dont kno y that upsets me so much. all the things i heard abt her being in the hospital before i got there upset me. and the rest of my#family was there to see it. so i have the least traumatic version of the story. and i got almost 27 years with her. except my sisters#probably got more time with her bc i spent so much time away. or maybe not. i dunno.#i dunno. im just sad that shes gone and sad that it was drawn out even a little bit. 6 days isnt long but im sure it felt like an eternity.#again not fair. nothings fair. 53 years of unfairness culminating in a tragedy. she would hate me characterizing it like that. she lived a#full life as they say. full with an asterisk on account of length#unrelated
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#dont know who else to talk to about this because it feels so personal but i feel anonymous on here#yesterday i had an ultrasound of my chest and they found something abnormal and ordered a biopsy#and its been on my mind every minute since then#the mass looks uncomfortably similar to the google images that pop up when u search 'malignant tumor'#and ive been doom scrolling on the breast cancer subreddit lmao#and im aware that its just stressing me out more but i couldnt stop and almost started crying#like the results could come back completely normal but.... im terrified of that not being the case#and i dont know how to deal with it until the actual procedure#its on friday but time is going so slow#all day ive been wanting to just blurt out my feelings to everyone ive talked to#but it feels so embarassing at the same time#so thats why im posting abt it on here i guess#i just literally dont know how to process my feelings rn
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I'm so exhausted with [redacted] and it's inescapable and I want a wife. With whom things would be bright and kind and gentle. Is it really so much to ask.
#doesnt even have to be a wife per se ive just been thinking alot abt [redacted] because of terrible dreams#ignore meeeeee today started out. not good. but bearable#functional. at least#then i ran out of steam got overwhelmed and hit a breaking point#and the days still not done. still have so much to do. and i want to cry and drink#i cannot do the former. physically. and will not allow myself the latter#so back to the uh. grind.#duty and goodness and obligation and honor and all that blah blah blah blah blah#whatever man. I'll be wretched and pretend. so good at pretending. and one day I'll die. thank god.
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When your friend needs you to be there to comfort them, but you have no energy for serious conversations and so you're stuck wondering if youre being a selfish asshole or if youre justified in not wanting to be the one to sort their problems out
#vent#its not like they didnt offer to hear my problems. but i just dont want to talk about. or anything#i dont want serious conversations. i dont want to have to worry about other people. i just cant.#im just so fucking exhausted and i dont know if its talking to them and feeling drained by the fact that theyre going through something-#-and that i need to be the therapist or if im just sick. again.#plus yesterday i slept late. my mum made me cry (i think she was just tired out by that point in the day so i doubt it was personal)#and just#im fucking tired ok#and I'm sorry im a bad friend#i just dont have energy. i want to have good energy around me to try give me some.#but when theyre upset it gets into me and drains me and I've been there as much as i can but i just cant right now. im too tired#i know im a shitty person but literally everyone got to be a shitty person at my expense so isnt it my fucking turn?#and then assuming i was acting like that to hurt them. I DO NOT WANT TO HURT ANYONE. IF WE HAVE A FIGHT I WANT TO MOVE ON.#I'm not gonna be caught up in it if we resolved it#but yeah. long story short they're going through shit and i feel like shit#and i think them going through shit is what makes me feel like shit. because i worry about them#and they can lash out on me#i just dont know anymore. i dont know if im an awful person or not#last year i broke up with a friend and my mum said I'll do the same with the next friend#it wasnt my fault#that friend ghosted me#im trying not to be her rn too and im scared that ive been in the wrong im scared im a shitty person too#but at the same time im too done to even really care#i just wanna stop fucking feeling all this and just get on with my day
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everytime i take a tiny triangle out of the cake i made my brother comes in and cuts off a trapezium, making the cut a single clean line. it would be vaguely funny but like i made the thing and like could he not eat it all without leaving some for me
#rant#i guess#it really fucking annoys me how i have to cut off my share in everything that comes in this house ever#like always stay on alert for your food and stash away your share or its gonna be gone by morning#i dont even know why its making me frustrated enough to cry#its just. nice good food has always been a treat and motivator for me and my brother has a habit of always grabbing my share too#it sounds so silly out of context but like. ive had a lifetime of going through a bad tiring day with nothing to look forward to but#a nap and something i like to eat. and always opening the fridge to an empty container#or worse the box is there but then i get in bed with a book and open the damn thing to find half a spoonful inside.#it would be annoying once or twice but its just. all the fucking time.#i hate this survivalistic shit#its not long before i move out thank god but still#he always did it when i was young and my mom hardly ever said anything#like now if i want i can get myself some treats but when i was younger i didnt have much choice.#i havent had the time to bake in two years and prep plus baking the layer cake took two days. i put so much work in it.#and he ate half of it by the time i came back from fucking peeing. i cant even say anything because he gets fucking angry and aggressive#at the drop of a hat so im. crying in my room about it. look my feelings are not as drownable and consuming now. i generally dont#let things like that affect me too much. but i feel so young again and like the entire world is so unfair. i don't know#writing my feelings out on a tumblr blog is so much better than journalling they should recommend this shit in therapy
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#congrats ive been uncomfortable all goddamn day because of these anons#way to trigger a rape victim just trying to connect to a character she loves#by claiming everything i have concluded of my own free will is being delusional and stupid#thanks im feeling really fucking rattled by how much they were insistent about me being wrong about fucking rape#and before someome says im over reacting about this sorry being yelled at about being wrong about rape makes a rape victim feel dismissed#nope not gonna cry thats dumb i refuse
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I'm starting to question if I should even bother with the stupid paper.... I'm probably just gonna fail anyways lmao
#ive been running around stuck on Babysitter Duty for the past three days and the teacher only gave us any instructions on thursday yet#somehow expected a full paper done and edited by sunday. even if i wasnt stuck on babysitter duty she'd get a shitty paper just due to how#little TIME that is to get things done. but because i am on babysitter duty uhhh..... well so far there's no paper#ive been spending practically full days having to take care of my sister and i cant just Ignore Her so i havent done my paper while watchin#her because again: my focus needs to be on Her. and shes incredibly loud which makes it super hard to focus. fun combo /s#so i was like 'i'll just stay up Really Late and do it then' but that hasn't worked because my sister WONT GO TO BED if im awake. i was up#until 4am last night hoping she'd fall asleep and shut up and i could work but Nope!#and then i got too tired to even care anymore#i've tried explaining this to others and they're just like 'ok well you just need to find a way to make it work :/' which is very much#easier said than done! and im scared about this paper because this teacher doesnt accept late work at all for pretty much any reason#and im sure she wont understand my situation. because shes also the teacher that didnt understand that i didnt have the textbook on time#because it was still being shipped and i dont control the rate at which book ships and she was like#'..........okay well you still need to have the book by tomorrow at least <3' when i told her the book had Just shipped and idk when i'd ge#the dumb thing. so yknow i dont have high hopes about this#also just as extra 'make stuff more difficult' i have zero accommodations because my mom cant keep track of my fucking IEPs and they wont#let me have accommodations unless i have that and idk how to get a copy anymore. so i've also been running around with no help in that area#and it's not great </3#idk im just stressed out and frustrated and i Want To Cry :)#vent
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